You'll have a Jolie old time!

Another contentious week at the Box Office this week, and there's a triumphant new B.O. Wolf that ate the lion's share of ... all those meaty box office dollars to be had from patrons eager for entertainment this Thanksgiving season. Something like that. And the big dog at #1 this week is indeed Beowulf. The movie, not the video game, available on all platforms. If you're in China, both are already on the same Blu-Ray disc. And now for some serious Movie Nerd SATs, because apparently, what Gozer was to Ghostbusters, so Angelina Jolie is to Beowulf. (My God! Did you see what she was wearing?) Incidentally, is it Ghost Busters or Ghostbusters? Because apparently, it's Ghostbusters 2 and not Ghost Busters 2. English is such a strange language. For example, as long as we're on SATs, there's the example of: aerobic is to anaerobic what atomic is to anatomic. Wait, that can't be right.

Where were we? Oh yeah, #2 is Bee Movie. Yawn. Almost at 100 million, already got space reserved for it in the Kids Section at your local video store. I ain't seen anything like it since Seinfeld alums Mandel, Berg and Schaffer were let loose on Dr. Seuss! Oh, snap!

Side by side is the other big cumulative dog, and this one actually jumped over the 100 million barrier, and it's Ridley Scott's Willie Dynamite. Follow that bird, my niggas!

At #4 it's Fred Claus. Not doing too shabby, but somehow the word on the street is keeping all the soccer moms and all the big families away who might have gone to see Home Alone so long ago. Has it been that long? Dayamn! What I want to know is, how did Kevin Spacey get roped into this? Did he lose playing poker with Bryan Singer?

Rounding out the top 5 it's Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. No wait, it's The Splendiforous Zeppelin Escapades of Filliam H. Muffman. No wait, it's Joseph and the (amazing) Technicolor Dreamcoat. No wait, it's W.W. and the Dixie Dancekings. No wait, it's Chu Chu and the Philly Flash. No wait, it's Those Daring Young Men in Their Jaunty Jalopies. Okay, that's the only one I didn't have off the top of my head. Okay, so Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium is standing on the shoulders of giants. But this time (SPOILERS), it's like if Willy Wonka was dying in the movie and had to get around to the dirty business of bypassing the Death Tax and handing down the business to either the slick, moneygrubbing assistant who plans on selling the store to the Death Gel Factory, or passing the deed on to the wholesome assistant with stars in their eyes, ready to fill the shoes of Mr. Magorium himself and carry the burning torch onward to hell or high water, whichever brings about the end of the world first. Let's face it, folks. We're so burned out with all these expensive movies with the fabulous expensive CGI special effects, so numb from all the fresh new wonderment in the world, even ten year olds are already thinking about death. Think of it as a mental inoculation. Better to get it out of the way sooner.

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And now the dregs. Well, not all of 'em. Normally I think that, especially about something like Dan in Real Life. Okay, got that one out of the way. Why, it hasn't even earned the catering budget of Evan Almighty yet! But now we get to my bread and butter. For any of you who might have read this blog earlier just might remember I said the only movie I was waiting for this year was in fact No Country for Old Men (NCFOM). Every once in a while the people's movie makes it onto the top 10. The rest of 'em? Corporate-funded Krappenfests, funded by people who just want to have a nice career in the movies, and not offend anybody by making any kind of waves. The Simpsons Movie rocketed up the IMDb Top 250 when it first came out, only to sink like a stone later. Perhaps NCFOM won't suffer the second half of that fate. It's already higher than Fargo and The Big Lebowski. Well, you can't have everything. Miller's Crossing, O Brother and The Man Who Wasn't There all had their own separate stints on the Top 250 at one time or another. They're just not there now. Oh, flunf.

All right, enough about that. You'll hear more from me on the subject once I finally get to see the damn movie. You know how it is - so many social engagements, so little time. At #8 it's Lions for Lambs (L4L). Not LOL. You won't get into a chat room and see those two in the same sentence fragment. Let's say it's the best movie since... I don't know, The Last Supper. Something like that. Speaking of lambs, Saw 4 may have finally led all the lambs to slaughter it'll lead in the theaters. Oh well. Wait a couple months, and you can buy the Quartet on video at WalMart or Costco. I'm sorry, the correct word is Quadrilogy, right? At least, for the likes of a movie franchise like Saw. How unfair the fates are when a movie like Saw spawns three more behind it, yet no one remembers Switchback.

And finally, in a contentious last-minute shuffling of numbers, Love in the time of Cholera (LTC) makes it onto the top 10. Check your Variety folks. The top 50 always has an interesting story to tell. Just shows to go you, never underestimate the pweor of a good title. Like Love in the Time of Money (LTM) or Woman on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown (WVNB), or Chu Chu and the Philly Flash. This is Javier Bardem's other film on our top 10 this week, incidentally. It's not fair. It's just not fair.

Okay, so I missed a week...

Hmm! Guess the batteries in my keyboard will hold out for a little bit longer. Better change 'em just in case. What a scam. Not all computers are made the same. Otherwise who's going to buy the one without the Blu-Ray DVD/CD burner, but with the 750GB Seagate drive?

So where was I? Felt like an eternity away from the blog, but strangely cleansing. Just discovered the song they call "I want to see the bright lights tonight." I just can't BELIEVE Wes Anderson hasn't used that one yet! Of course, he'll probably want the version recorded by Phantom Planet, am I right?

What a week to miss, too. American Gangster was at #1, with Bee Movie a close second. Apparently, America was more entertained by blood and guts than family-friendly bees. But not this week! Finally, Spielberg triumphed over Brian Grazer, and not a moment too soon. Does this mean Larry David's going to respond in kind with his own Pixar-esque fare? Maybe Sour Grapes done by PDI DreamWorks?

In a fairly distant third is Fred Claus. I'd watch out, Darren Aronofsky, if I were you. That VV is an animal! He's going to steal your Weisz away from you. Did you not see the beginning of The Break-Up? The thrill of the chase, my friend! There's no going back.

At #4, it's Lions for Lambs. Well, it made more than Rendition, anyway. Apparently, it's a shrill liberal dose of whining about the Iraq war, and that's what the Democrats think! Tom Cruise reprises his turn as a senator in ... was it the first Mission Impossible? Incidentally, doesn't Tom Cruise sound like a porn star's name? I'm just saying. I mean, if he wasn't Tom Cruise, you know. Don't let Dianetics hold you hostage, man! You're bigger than that! The American public will embrace you further! The truth shall set you free.

OTOH, you are the closest to Crossing the Bridge, or whatever they call it. Being a Full Re-Born Thetan?

Rounding out our Top 5 this week, it's Dan In Real Life (DIRL). Oh please, Mr. Carell, how many times can a man go back on The Daily Show and thank them for all the good luck he's had in his life? Unfortunately, the answer's no longer blowin' in the wind. It's time to change the act! Pick a charity or something. I suggest solar power. We gotta catch up with the rest of the world sometime.

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Oh, six to ten, how it depresses me so. But I need something to keep me up til 3 a.m. when Bananas starts on cable. At #6 is Saw 4. And while I'm waiting for 2009 when I'll be writing about how Saw 6 is at #6, I'm somewhat comforted by the fact that thanks to this, more movies will feature audio tapes in peoples' stomachs with instructions that will fuel the rest of the film. Or reality show. The sky's the limit, really! Long live the new CGI-fueled horror film revolution.

Lucky #7 gives us The Game Plan. I'm all out of quips, but I gotta admit this turkey's got legs, and maybe a little giblet gravy left to boot. Now, The Rock's not the womanizer that VV is, as far as I know. I don't watch E! as much as some, but I'd still guard your property, Kevin Bacon, nonetheless. Why it must be five degrees of separation with all of the suitors trying to make it with The Closer. I'm just saying.

At #8 it's P2. Now, what is this? It's not called P8! It's P2, dammit! Doesn't anything work like it's supposed to anymore? And Wes Bentley, apparently it can't be stressed enough. You've come a long way, Ricky Fitts. Or have you? Couldn't you have landed a supporting role in something prestigious like Jarhead? Well, never underestimate the power of denial, like a wise man once said.

30 Days of Night is lookin' fine at #9. ...you know what I just realized? He's got his own Wikipedia entry even! What an age we live in. That photo of Danny Huston looks just like Bat Boy! Wow, I must be up too late.

And finally at #10 it's some new meat to the Top 10, and it is Martian Child, baby! And sure, to you it may look like just another Hollywood paean to parenthood, but to me it's the second collaboration between Indiana Jones screenwriter Menno Meyjes and John Cusack! Magic happens every time they get together. Or should I say... Majic? The other one is Max, about Hitler and his art teacher, something kooky like that. Why, they're practically next to each other on the video shelf! Unless your local video store finally gives Meyjes his own space in the special Director section of the store! And while we're at it, why aren't there more brothers on the wall? Peace out. :)

Short Reviews - October 2007

Not too late, is it? All right, let's just dive right in to it.

In the Valley of Elah - Is that still out?

Gone Baby Gone - or as Kevin Smith calls it, "the gayest movie ever!"

Testament - Okay, so it's an audio book. Still, quite a cinematical cast! Maybe they filmed it when they recorded it, sell the doc about it. Gee, isn't it great now that we have Sunday School 7 days a week now? The 30 pieces of silver never sounded so Oscar-worthy! Oh wait, yes they have...

"Tin Man" - Speaking of Dreyfuss, didn't he make this already?

30 days of night - Whatever. Somehow not as fun without Frank Langella and Larry Olivier.

The Story of Us - Alan Zweibel's second chance. With Monk, you're well on your way to Strike Three. Maybe for starters you can proof The Bucket List!

The Comebacks - Dodgeball's relevant after all! And it's nice to see that Fox Atomic has a sense of humor, and it isn't all just blood and guts horror.

Bee Movie - Well, should be better than Beloved, anyway. Or Bee Season. Or Akeelah and the Bee. Or will people just feel Bee-trayed?

P2 - Another inevitable movie... Oh, where have you gone, Ricky Fitts?

K2 - Never saw it... Great trailer, though!

Transformers - Oh, Optimus Prime sounds a little older...

Best of the Best - Pop it! (out of the DVD player...)

Lions for Lambs - Well, makes about as much sense as any of our other trade policies.

Snakes on a Plane - Guess Shaft's not getting too old for this shit.

The Hoax - Iraq, Howard Hughes, same thing...

Elizabethtown - Okay, Cameron Crowe. We get it. So, Dubya's a fiasco, eh? That's it... burn down his house!

The Original Kings of Comedy - So, what's Rupert Pupkin, chopped liver?

Fatal Attraction - Annoying at first, then it turns fatal...

Hitman - november 21? I can't wait that long!

Boyhood - Oh, there's an actual reason for its 2013 release. Damn! They stole my idea!... Sounds like something Lars von Trier might do, except it'd have to be 3 hours long with 40 minute takes, and it all takes place in one warehouse with chalk lines on the floor... something like that.

Fast Food Nation - Well, if you still feel like eating a hamburger after this...

Go For Broke - Somehow I don't think it'd play today.

It's A Big Country - Oh, they don't make 'em like they used to.

The Weather Man - Gore Verbinski's American Beauty.

Across the Wide Missouri - Ricardo Montalban as an Indian! I love it! Mas Macho Apache

Chairman of the Board - Let's see if YouTube links work...

Bob the Butler - I think I already said this, but Tom Green, what happened to you, man? You used to be cool. Now you've finally become the very thing you once seemed to rally against: just another part of the establishment. You can find this at Wal*Mart, stacked somewhere after Mary-Kate and Ashley, and just before the VeggieTales. Why not run for Sonny Bono's old seat while you're at it?

Box Office Torte!

Must be hungry. Well we got some heavy hitters coming up in about 12 hours, folks. My prediction? Bee Movie at #1, American Gangster at #2 - with the caveat that A.G. will drop off even further next week, because of all the disappointed people who thought it was about Finch becoming a gangstah! Whatta Ripoff!

But let's get to this week's dregs. As you can see, Saw 4 is #1 with a scalpel! Over 20 million more than Steve Carell's 2nd 2007 project, Dan in Real Life. So much for all that Oscar talk in the commercials! Maybe I'm old fashioned, but if you've had a #1 movie already in the year, you're doing pretty good. But poor ol' Carell, he's the lunchmeat in a scare sandwich, and it ain't open faced, because 30 Days of Night is the #3 slice of bread!

At #4 it's the most profitable movie this week, The Game Plan with a whopping 77 million total. Rounding out the top 5 is Why Did I Get Married, the second most profitable.

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As for 6 to 10, well, it's Michael Clayton, Gone Baby Gone, The Nightmare Before Christmas IMAX, We Own the Night, and The Comebacks, which has apparently fallen victim to this insiduous trend of comedies getting spanked by the IMDb Bottom 100. Oh sure, not as hard as Who's Your Caddy? but still, I didn't think it'd happen to my man in Amsterdam, David Koechner. I think it's time he made that movie with Mark McKinney about those two Aristocrats. (damn! Can't find an image...)

Speaking of Gone Baby Gone, where did The Darjeeling Limited go?

Mighty Acorns / When Cult Movies Attack: The XYZ Murders / Relentless --> Crimewave

SPOILERS

It's all part of my feeble attempt to go over the Coen film library before No Country for Old Men comes out for us poor American schlubs to finally see. The French probably got DVDs of it already, huh? So I'm going over all their films. Got 'em all on DVD, so I plan on re-watching 'em all... except for their twentieth of Paris, Je T'Aime; that was a little too je ne sais quoi for my taste.

Well, what can be said about 1985's Crimewave that hasn't already been said? The Maltin guide dismisses this as a mere exercise in style, and it's a statement I may have agreed with in the past. The two cartoonish crooks are kinda irritating at first, but it all goes back to that old Reverse Law of Diminishing Movie Returns: generally, the more you see a movie, the more your misconceptions of it get worn down, the more you feel like the film's editor and so on, until the more it becomes the best damn movie you've ever seen in your entire life. It's not quite at that point yet for me, but it's not without reward. There's a couple nice setpieces in it. For instance, some of those crashes on the freeway were pretty cool! Even if they were done at 3 in the morning on a Sunday. Why does everything explode twice? I still can't wrap my head around that. Also, Tango & Cash is still a cut-rate White Trash version of Lethal Weapon 2, even though I've seen it a couple times since its original 1989 release but I'll do that one later.

The film (Crimewave) was disowned by director Sam Raimi, and for the most part it fits comfortably into the Troma / Cannon vibe of most of the inexpensive, independent American films made in the 1980s. If only Gilbert Gottfried were still hosting USA Up All Night they'd maybe show it on TV. Stylistically, it's almost a touchstone of Coen visual tricks, especially their early work. There are many parallels to be found here, for instance with the use of names (Hudsucker, Odegard), but I don't have the kind of time necessary to catalogue all that crap anymore. Besides, the Coens apparently are already inundated with ravenous, bookish fans who've done more homework than even I. Personally, I thought a little bit of Crimewave when I watched The Man Who Wasn't There. Was I the only one?



The film may have been butchered by the unconfident producers but they managed to stay true to the Three Stooges theme of the picture, specifically in terms of sound effects. They got to use a lot of the Stooges' original sound effects, and some of the Warner Brothers cartoons ones, too! Emil Sitka has a small role, for Christ sake! This also seemed to be a boon in terms of dubbing lines in post, like the Fleischer cartoons where the actors were allowed to improvise lines. You sometimes get the feeling here that all opportunities for asides were used. There's a big sequence where Louise Lasser fights with Paul Smith, (that's not really his voice, is it?) who I remember most fondly as Bluto in the big screen version of Popeye, with his role as Mo in The In-Laws (1979) a close second. There is creativity in the way he handles the flying dishware, which probably influenced The War of the Roses to an extent, for one. He gets three bowling balls dropped on his head, and ends up destroying the carpet in a positively Spielbergian sequence. If this were made today, the black dude would probably get treated a lot differently, but I digress. And furthermore, it wasn't exactly a picnic for the producers. Why, Ed Pressman never acted again! (But then again, who did in Street Fighter? Oh, snap!)



Speaking of Van Damme, there's a rule in movie fight sequences which I'll claim as my own: the Rule of Constant Punches (name pending). Let's say that each fight scene in a movie has a certain number of punches thrown (z), x is the number of bad guys in one fight, and y is the number of punches it takes to subdue a bad guy. The formula is x*y=z. So, the fewer bad guys there are, the more punches it takes to knock them out. This rule seems to apply mostly to Jean Claude Van Damme, even though he's got some badass moves. A great example of this rule in action is Nowhere to Run: he's fighting five guys in one scene and can't seem to kick them hard enough! Crimewave pushes this rule to an incredulous extreme: since there are only two bad guys, they take several punches and rather uncomical baseball bat hits to finally get rid of them. And that's not what even gets rid of them!

Apparently, Bruce Campbell was supposed to play the main guy, Vic Ajax, but ultimately he seemed more suited to the Heel part he eventually got. And in Hudsucker, wasn't he perfect as the womanizing reporter? Besides, doesn't it feel good to help out others sometimes? Even if their careers don't end up as well? Even if it is against your will, Bubba Ho-Tep? Guess they couldn't get William Atherton to play the romantic lead, but that part was wrong for him too. It is worth noting that Vic's philosophy on life and love which he slowly pieces together over the course of the film echoes the innocence of Norville Barnes, that man was not meant to live alone. Not that it necessarily excludes gay marriage, but that's for other films to explore.

What else? This is nothing to be ashamed of, boys. Ultimately, I can't imagine how this picture could've been salvaged without major reshoots to make it a little less cartoonish, but never mind. The only crime here is there's no digitally remastered print on DVD! With commentary from someone. Probably not the producers, they'd spend too much time talking about what they had to change. Also, it's the only acting the Coens have done together on screen. Worth it just for that. I think Raimi stamps the box with the Uruguay stamp, but I have no way to confirm that. Frances McDormand has a small part as a nun. Don't let it go to your head, guys. Three stars from me. :)

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-so sayeth the Movie Review Hooligan (MRH)

Box Office Confidential: I was a Teenage Vampire President.

Close enough. Yes, it's time once again for the vampires to swoop down and help themselves to their rightful piece of the box office pie. And it's a big one this time! The #1 piece! 16 million pints of money in vials around Billy Bob's neck. In this latest incarnation it's called 30 Days of Night, and apparently Josh Hartnett's along for the ride! We've come a long way from the days of Wicker Park. Normally he'd be on the marquee, but the vampires are the star this time. Especially Danny Huston, with those black eyes and all. Pretty neat stuff. And once again, behind the bloodthirsty magic is that Spielberg in his own right, Sam Raimi. Oh is he able to pick those winning horses like The Grudge et al. All those B-List things while he gets to direct the A-List things. I'm still waiting for my Crimewave New Ajax Edition DVD, buddy!


At #2 it's Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married?, and it is still cleaning up, baby. It's going to be a good day at the next stockholders' meeting of the Tyler Perry Company. It's at this point where the Auteur has to decide when to take a vacation. Oh sure, you're booked till 2009, but c'mon now, even Spielberg took some time off once or twice! Of course, he started his own studio while on vacation, but I digress. In glancing over the Madea video collection, one title caught my eye: Madea Goes to Jail. You know who else went to jail? Ernest! Something to think about. Fortunately you've got a head start on the whole multiple character thing.

With the stench of the WWE far behind him, the Rock is still cooking with The Game Plan, or as it's known on the IMDb, The Rock's 2007 project. Would another Scorpion King entry be too untimely at this point? Anyway, Gridiron Gang 2 has the most money of the ten this week, with 69.2 million in the bank. Saw 4 is gonna make that its opening weekend! At this level of success, The Rock's gotta be thinking, Hell! I can direct one of these turds my own damn self. Go Fickman yourself, Rocky! Incidentally, title's too long, Fickman. Tell me something I don't know about J.Lo Hew. I mean, she's Liz, for Christ sake!

At #4 it's Michael Clayton. Now I happen to think that 2005 was a great year for Sir George Clooney with GN&GL and Syriana on the docket. But 2007's shaping up pretty good, too. Ocean's 13 did well, right? And this thing's doing gangbusters for a non-Ocean project. Plus we got Leatherheads coming up, but lamentably we have to wait til '08. So it's a great school year for Clooney, let's put it that way.

Rouning out the top 5 it's The Comebacks, the latest ZAZesque / Mad Magazine - esque movie to open poorly. Not your fault, Koechner. You da man! But you know how it is. Now you gotta become a director and a producer. Evolve or die. Can't play these goofy guys forever, right? Hey, if you can dodge a wrench...
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And now, the rest that don't deserve my attention. Hey, these entries take longer than you think, folks. Damn! How long have I been working on this? About two hours!!! At #6 it's Gone Baby Gone. Mixing the blues with kidnapping? The thrill is gone, baby. Well, that's how it works, folks. Casey Affleck of the new Rat Pack is the Out Front Contender for Best Actor Oscar 2007, and yet both of his films are tanking. And BAD! I'm still just wondering which Affleck parent he looks more like. Probably the mom.

At #7 it's We Own the Night. And a handful of pink slips, fool!

At #8 it's Blockbuster Entertainment's Best New Film of 2007, 1993's Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas. Must be a kick in IMAX, but that animation's a little too slick for me somehow. I know it's a classic and all, but give me a Simpsons Halloween any day of the week. Even the one about dolphins.

At #9 it's Rendition. Boy, Fox News must have told people to boycott this liberal garbage, and please watch more Bill O'Reilly, he's gotta be #1 again at some point, right? Makes me want to watch Larry King instead. Well, sort of.

And finally we get to #10, The Farrelly's new dress on the old gal, The Heartbreak Kid. Looks like the distributors aren't going to give you a Get Out of Jail Free card on this one, boys! More bodily fluids in the Stooges movie! Peace out.

Brought to you by Galeainip Alteiem MacDunelmor

Seriously! Google 'im. The H.L. Mencken of his day.

Well, it's that time of year once again for Madea to take over the Box Office and DOMINATE! Absolutely dominate. Well, not last year and not with Daddy's Little Girls. Let us never speak of it again. Let us instead focus on the brightly illuminated present, and the almost instantaneous arrival of The Tyler Perry Company's latest production called Why Did I Get Married? It beat what The Rock had cooking this week by almost 2 to 1. So when is the establishment gonna give this brutha some respect and let him make that $100 million Madea movie? He's got it in him somewhere, I'm sure!

Meanwhile, Spawn's thinking to himself: how did I get roped into this? From the commercials, he doesn't look happy to be there! In fact, Pointy Williams is going to make his own movie about his experiences working on Why Did I Get Married? It's going to be called How Did I Get Roped Into This? T(yler P)erry's gonna sue. Meanwhile, Chris Rock's shaking his head...

In other news, just yesterday there was a three-way tie for 2nd place! But there was a recount demanded, and now we have new numbers. The Game Plan slips to #2, and two newbies The Departed 2 and Intolerable Cruelty 2 come in at 3 and 4, while There's Something About Mary part 2 sinks like a stone to fifth place. Oh! An actual sequel at #6! It's Elizabeth: The Golden Age. ...and now, IMDb is acting up on me. The web page is turning into Jell-O but without tables, something like that, so every line gets its own line, see what I'm saying? So what was formerly on five pages takes up 20 pages.

And so we come to the 7-10 split: The Kingdom, Across the Universe, Resident Evil 3 and, finally, The Seeker. Which reminds me: speaking of video game adaptations, which Final Fantasy are we up to now? Twenty? And yet, only one 100 million dollar movie adaptation. So unfair.

Well, that's about all the damage I can do this week in this regard. Please let me know if I forgot anything. Over 'n out!

Auteur Watch: Farrelly Bros.

How could this have happened? After all the money pumped into advertising, the resurrecting of ELO's 'Don't Bring Me Down' just for the TV spots? Everything old is new again? The gross-out comedy of the year beaten by a FOOTBALL comedy? An old one, too! I mean, what is this world coming to? My own theory is there's another shift in demographics in America, perhaps the kind in the 80s who went to see all of Spielberg's PG-rated blockbusters, only this time it feels like not all of the magic is there anymore. Not that Fickman's not a good director or anything. Hmm! Maybe we should profile him next here at Auteur Watch. After all, good things happen to directors whose films are #1 at the box office twice in a row! Even twice non-consecutive weeks in a row, but that's kind of a rarity these days.

Yes, sadly at #2 it's the Farrelly's The Heartbreak Kid. Looks like America's just not willing to laugh anymore. Well, they can still call it the #1 R-rated comedy in America, or run the ads that taunt "If you're easily offended, don't see this movie." Still, it's #2 only by about 2 million dollars, just enough to overturn a Presidential veto. Perhaps a recount is in order, but who cares as long as The Three Stooges is still green-lit, right? Better find a way to put more bodily fluids into this other new adaptation, otherwise no one's going to see it at all.

As for the rest, there seems to be two new entries this week: The Seeker, or as it's more formally known, The Seeker: The Dark is Rising. Seriously, I couldn't find it on the IMDb without the full title before, but being on the top 10 makes it much easier to ind. It's the best film in the world since, oh, Stardust or Eragon.

The other newbie is Feel the Noise. Sadly, it's not that Quiet Riot biopic that... no one's waiting for. Or that celluloid contest entry from, say, Bring in 'Da Noise Bring in 'Da Funk, that a few more people might be waiting for. Or even Stomp for that matter. Sad to think that those groups still have to go to day jobs after the cultural impact they once made. So, 3:10 to Yuma has the most overall this week with 48.7 million. It's going to be a long Thanksgiving, dontcha think?

More Damn Clios

Clio-es? Anyway, it's time to examine more of that great short film festival in between the TV shows. Not that I've given it so much thought. Even though they don't get much air time, I still think those new Fruit of the Loom commercials are noteworthy. The latest one seems to be filmed backwards. How often are the old fashioned methods used in commercials these days? Then of course there's the axe wielding maniac with the six-pac of Bud Light that I and my close confidant like. ...can't think of any others right now. Oh yeah. I think the 'No Stank You' commercials are some of the best anti-smoking ads out there. Now they're taking on chewing tobacco! Keep up the good work, guys. Think about it, teenagers. I know smoking's cool and all, but you don't like going over to the house of your smoker friends, right? I mean, what's the point of wearing expensive perfume there? Cigarette smoke is the only perfume you'll ever need!

But my hands down winner for the Most Annoying Commercial Lately (MACL) is the Domino's Oreo dessert pizza commercial. I guess Rob Schneider was too busy, because somehow I picture the Alpha Dog in this one to be right up Deuce Bigalow's alley, so to speak. There's also the second version of the commercial where the Alpha Dog there says "Right on, Kevin. Right on." Someday there'll be a Blu-Ray Disc of commercials. Maybe the "Now That's what I call Music" people will tap into that market of people who want the inside scoop on all those annoying commercials that stick to the brain like proverbial bits of glass, but are tired of watching the tiny grainy version of it on YouTube. Are they long enough for a director commentary? For some, maybe. But mine is not the only craw that this commercial got stuck in: I think it was Bill Maher who talked about the billionaire who owns the Domino's Pizza franchise; apparently they're a Right-wing wingnut. See? Believing in Jesus really does work! Finally a practical religioun. My only question is, before I develop Type-O(reo) diabetes: How good can that dessert pizza be if half of it ends up on your face?

Okay, Plan B... Plan B

Okay, this is it. 10:14am. I've got less than an hour to get this done. We'll see what comes first: my deadline, or the proverbial Changing of the Data. As it is, there aren't many new debuts here. At #1 it's the latest that the Rock's got cooking, and it would be Conan and the Football Player, indeed! Oh, that O'Brien has such good rapport with certain guests. Jim Carrey, for example; well, at least when the cameras are rolling. So what does the Rock have cooking this time? Orphan? Dame? It's an orphan, and this time he's not the coach in this new football scenario.* Guess he's finally shaken off the last remaining fragments of the WWE, just as Ice Cube finally shed all his street cred with XXX2: The Next Level... I mean, the Are We There Yet SERIES! I'm still waiting for the trilogy. I want someone to give me the 3-DVD pak for Xmas, dammit! Along with the anniversary version of the Friday trilogy.

At #2 it's The Kingdom. I don't know, I think Michael Mann's dumbing himself down slightly with this and the new Miami Vice movie. I mean, I'm sure it's still urbane and sophisticated and all that, but Colin Farrell's no Don Johnson. I never thought I'd hear myself type that! That's what I'm talking about! Anyway, I further contend that this is a slippery slope to more movies about Saudi Arabia, and the next thing you know they pull the plug on the American dollar along with China, and our economy's REALLY in the crapper. Death to solar power!

As for 3 to 10, it's just too depressing to contemplate. Speaking of which, 3:10 to Yuma has the largest take this week at 44 million total. See what I mean? No more Bourne 3. No more Superbad. Oh, tell me Rogen's got a Christmas movie coming out! (research) ...nah, guess we gotta wait til 2008. Pineapple Express? Sounds like a riff on The Polar Express, with a dash of Midnight Express thrown in; kinduva Defiant Ones, but with user and dealer chained together this time, both fighting against the real enemy. Just a thought!

Anywho, I want to give one last shout out to #10 this week, the not-abstract-enough Across The Universe, another tribute to the Beatles that has to do it without the benefit of their original music. Now I'm no expert on the biz, but I think it may be time for director Julie Taymor to take that sure-fire box office project next, and I know just the one. It's an obscure Joe Eszterhas script about Britney Spears. I know it's been floating around Hollywood a long time, but it's time to stand up and act like a director, dammit! Your career's on the line. Hire big! Get Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber, maybe Stephen Sondheim to musical-ify it. Maybe get Bill Condon to dust off the script a bit, get some of that Chicago magic. Ooh! You should of course expand the story to include the side-sagas of Christine Aguilera and Jessica Simpson. You could get Aguilera to play Jessica Simpson, and vice versa. You know, a new spin on the new cliché.

Okay, here's another idea...

* Hmm! Something vaguely sexual in that sentence, dontcha think?

Short Reviews - September 2007

Walk Like a Man - Well, my job is done!

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves - Well, I finally figured out where the theme music for the Morgan Creek vanity logo comes from!

Fred Claus - Didn't they make that already?

The Seeker - The other Golden Compass. But why is the hero wearing Freddy Krueger's sweater? Ooh ooh, does Ian McShane still get to swear up a storm? Or is it like Hot Rod? Did anyone else see Hot Rod?

The Darjeeling Limited - The magic is gone. The magic is so gone...

The NEW FARRELLY Heartbreak Kid - Welp, I guess Ben Stiller will sell the concept better than Charles Grodin did. Who knows? Anyway, it's a little more interesting than the more recent trend of the groom's best friend always pointing out "This is the last woman you'll ever sleep with for the rest of your life. Hope you know what you're getting into!..."

David Spade in the world's dirtiest film - Ah! All my dreams come true, thanks to Axe body spray... Or have they? I don't see it on the IMDb yet!

Rendition - Jarhead 2? The one explosion looked a little fake... The only real question is: when will the Right wing start attacking it?

And now, on to Roger Deakins ASC BSC...

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford - Too long. Movie and title! Next...

In the Valley of Elah - I'm afraid this is going to get confused with No Country for Old Men, primarily because of Tommy Lee Jones and Josh Brolin. Guess we're just lucky Chigurh wasn't in both! Rog himself hasn't been this confused since 1994, what with Shawshank and Hudsucker... Hmm. There's a movie SAT question there someplace...

No Country For Old Men - NOW can the Coens have a #1 hit?

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Gone Baby Gone - Gotta like the title, anyway. We've come a long way from Missing. It's from the same writer of Mystic River, and is also about a missing girl. Yeah, I wanna go through THAT again!

I Am A Sex Addict - Every once in a while you get introduced to a new filmmaker that you've never heard of before, never had recommended to you before, or never even stumbled upon accidentally while perusing the giant IMDb family tree, swinging from branch to branch and studying the people and movies you respect the most, like Caveh Zahedi. Oh, he's good, but he makes Henry Jaglom look accomplished in comparison. Guess his whole life was building up to this one, though. That's gotta count for something, right?

Flock of Dodos - Nice to see the other side pushing back a little. The crucial scene for me was when the one councilman was using the Mt. Rushmore argument like a blunt instrument. Designer, human designer, designer, human designer... I've never seen such back and forth! Science doesn't work that way, all you right wingers. Unlike the existence of God, science relies on reproducible results, etc. Not hyperbole.

Across the Universe - WTF?!

The Jane Austen Book Club - I'll see it for you, Bello, but you gotta look at me that way too!

Weirdsville - It had better live up to its title, that's all I gotta say, you hosers!

We Own the Night - Like Shooter, but Marky Mark'll get the Oscar for this one. Meanwhile, across town, Donnie's planning on seeing Saw 4!

Speaking of which, Saw 4... Well, it's about time for me to wrap up this blog entry, and I hope the makers of the whole Saw series do the same...

Holy Turducken!

Well, once again, just when you thought you heard of everything, something like turducken comes along and just totally blows your mind all over again, and the world seems new and you have to re-learn how to ride a bicycle. Or is that after you contract Mad Cow disease? Speaking of which, the latest epic featuring thousands of CGI monsters duking it out on hi-res battlefields is indeed Resident Evil 3, and it is indeed at #1. I don't know how, there's just no more predictability in these box office races anymore. Except for maybe the week that Indiana Jones 4 opens. I'd call Vegas on that one. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Really? Oh well. If you build it, they will come... I guess. Sounds like a Temple of Doom sequel, just as the third one was a Raiders sequel, but moron that later. Back to the matter at hand. Time for a shout out to RE3 director Russell Mulcahy, no stranger to sequels himself. And not exactly a spring chicken, nor the hottest Cal-Arts grad with a two minute CGI short he's about to turn into the latest Pixar epic. Best known for the feature-length music video Highlander 1, he's got quite a few things in the pipeline! Including what looks to be his cinematic autobiography. So congratulations to you, Russell Mulcahy, our Australian Auteur of the week.

At #2, what is surely being advertised as the #1 romantic comedy in America, it's Good Luck Chuck. Not only does that rhyme, but it has double meaning too! Some split infinitive thing. Spoiler Alert! It's about a guy who turns out to be a magic marriage catalyst for women. And yet, it's not a high concept pic like Indecent Proposal, and they're not marketing it to women with a question like "Would you date this man if you knew that the next man you date would be your true love?" That's how I would've done it, but they must be doing something right! #2! Not 2 shabby!!!! Hah. Now I know everyone's beating up on Dane Cook, saying they're tired of the fratboy suburbia humour, but I won't add to all that. Just report it.

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Now normally I say #6 to #10 are the dregs, but I think we're in the dregs already. #3 brings us The Brave One. And yet, why am I reminded of The Lonely Lady?

At #4 it's 9:11 to Rudy. I'm sorry, I mean 3:10 to Yuma. That's what I get for watching too much news. Rounding out the top 5, it's David Cronenberg's latest art house masterpiece, Eastern Promises. Teaming up once again with Aragorn; why, I haven't seen anything like it since Peter Weller teamed up to do Naked Lunch. And to think, he could be doing RoboCop 6 right about now!

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As for the rest, Superbad still lags about halfway behind Bourne 3 in terms of total box office take. But both have staked out a claim on the IMDb Top 250; how cool is that? Watch out, Fight Club and The Matrix, and all you oldies from 1999 who will soon fall if this keeps up. But just as 2007 was up til now The Year of the Rogen, with the arrival of Michael Clayton this could very well be The Year of the Gilroy instead. But I think the year's big enough; perhaps there's room for both after all.

Mr. Woodcock hasn't gotten in the top 250 yet, nor made that much money, but... there's gotta be an upside. Anyway, speaking of Michael Clayton, there's another character worthy of their own title, and that's Sydney White. What it's a riff on, I'll let you find that out for yourself, as it's way too priceless to spoil. But what to be done with Amanda Bynes? Where does she fit in the galaxy of young starlets? Not old enough to be Julia Stiles, not Lohan enough to be Lindsay. Not knee deep in her second career like Anna Paquin. Or is she? ...nope, made a study of it, looks like she's working pretty steady despite losing The Amanda Show. I think I'll wait til my girlfriend wants to introduce me to the films of Amanda Bynes, personally.

Which brings us to D-War, or Dragon War, or whatever the hell it is. It's the #1 movie this week about dragons attaking downtown Hokkaido... something like that. Personally, I think the commercials they're running this week set a dangerous precedent. All it says is "Now Playing." No cast or crew names in the commercial at all! I don't think they even showed a Studio logo! Look, all I'm saying is if this becomes a catchy trend, the affected unions might have to take action. And speaking of action, I think it's past my bedtime. So many movies to TiVo, so little time. :)

Sequels, Remakes & Dragons - Oh My!

Boy! Seems like westerns are taking over lately. The Brave One (1957), 3:10 to Yuma, and Mr. Woodcock... well, sounds like someone in the Old West who ran a furniture shop, kinda? You know, and every wood cutter from Portland, Maine to Neah Bay, WA comes down and tries to beat ol' Mr. Woodcock at underwater basket weaving. Something like that. It practically writes itself, people! I still can't help but think Billy Bob's phoning it in on this one. That and the new Bad News Bears. What would Epperson say? Or Brent Briscoe?
Meanwhile, Superbad's still kicking ass, even if it is only at #4. It's got the third biggest total behind Rush Hour 3 at #9 and Bourne 3 at #7. It's a third if you think of it as The 40 Year Old Virgin, part 3, and Knocked Up as 40 year old Virgin part Two. Or maybe the latest incarnation of Animal House or... Road Trip? One of the two.
So far the only original thing on this Box Office is D-War at #5, unless you think of it as the latest Godzilla rehash. If there was only some way to stack it next to Robot Jox at the video store...
At #6 it's Halloween, still about a month short of the holiday it's based upon. I don't think it'll make it all the way til then. Oh well, at least it'll clear the path for Saw IV. Now that's got the hearts and minds: figuratively AND literally!
Bourne 3 - see earlier quip... Balls of Fury's hanging pretty tough at #8. It earned every penny of that almost 30 million box office take. Still, better keep the Reno! 911 day job, guys.
Mr. Bean 2 is at #10, almost having made as much as Balls of Fury, for one! Guess it'll drop off completely by next week, though. Does this mean the Mr. Bean animated movie is coming to America next?

Welp, better get going. Blogging while you're on the phone is hard! (:

More Movie Loaf

Boy! Turning out to be a big news week. OJ's back in the news: he apparently committed a robbery in Las Vegas. His excuse this time? He thought he was in Ocean's Thirteen. But at least he's stopped killing people. He may still be doomed to walk the earth like a pariah for the rest of his life, right into the SAG Retirement Home; makes Lillo Brancato wonder, man! Why can't I have a dream team?

Anyway, this one guy Robert Draper has been flogging his new book about President Bush called "Dead Certain". Hmm! Who does this guy look like? The big revelation is that Dubya is going to stretch out the Iraq War so the next President can take it over. Yeah, well, Dubya couldn't take over the fight against bin Laden in 2000, could he? And you know why? Watch this again. It's the Clinton Universal Corollary; now if you found out that Clinton was going to stretch out something, let alone a war, until the next election, what would've happened to him?

Oh but enough of my prostheticizing. Prosletyzing? This thing doesn't have a Spell Check yet. Anyway, guess that's it for the news. Oh yeah, Britney Spears is already turning into Anna Nicole Smith, at least in all the wrong places, right? She is awful, I wholeheartedly agree, but overweight? By how many pounds? Aren't our Beauty Standards for Women in this country stringent enough already?

Anyway, now to the real news, #6 to #10 of this week's Top 10 at the box office. The dregs. Yecch. At #6 it's the unfortunately named "Balls of Fury". But, on the other hand, what the hell else are they gonna call it? "The Happy Funny Ping Pong Movie"? Well, maybe it's called that in China. Where it's already out on DVD. Oh yeah, that's some more news I read, that China's going to go lighter on criminals now, especially the white collar ones. From now on, they'll run 'em over with tanks when ABOSLUTELY no one's watching or getting it on camera. But I digress. I'm going to wait til Balls of Fury comes out on DVD, and I'll call up my local video store and ask for it, and the guy on the phone will ask "Is that an adult film?"

At #7 it's RusHour 3, as all the cool people are spelling it these days. It's made the 2nd most money just behind Bourne 3, about 100 million behind, but close enough. It's just a weak box office all around this week. And sorry, Brett, you're still gonna have to earn that respect you seek the hard way, like Spielberg did.

#8 brings us Mr. Bean 2, which takes us quickly right away to #9, The Nanny Diaries. Did I already mention it's the latest from the American Splendor team? Not quite enjoying the same critical heralding with this one, or even the same amount of buzz. Look out, S. Jo, you're hanging around Woody too much! He's going to make a move on you at some point...

And finally at #10 it's Stardust, or Michelle Pfeiffer Enjoying Her Naked Ass in the Mirror: The Motion Picture, or Into the Night 2 for all you guys. Which finally brings me to my saddest bit of non-movie news yet: Stuff Magazine is going out of print! Is that the proper term for a magazine that's folding, so to speak, not going to be published anymore? That's exactly how monumental, how infamous a bit of news this is! A sad day indeed for guys everywhere who couldn't afford the steep price of Maxim, FHM, or Details magazines, or any of those other, much snootier publications. A very sad day. Somewhere in hell Jerry Falwell must be smiling. Oh well, guess that Tower of Babel will just have to be built up elsewhere with better buttresses. God speed to you, Stuff Magazine. We'll always have the public library. Here's looking at you, kid.

Auteur Watch: Rob Zombie

Damn! They got to the numbers early today. Usually I have to wait til 2pm or so. Well, that's what I get for procrastinating, dontcha think? :) Anyway, as you all know, Labor Day weekend belonged to Halloween, directed by Rob Zombie, and I just wonder if he was thinking to himself about the American movie-going public: You frigging ingrates! (he censors himself better now...) I give you two gifts of originality, House of 1000 Corpses, and The Devil's Rejects, and what do you make #1 at the box office? A remake! A bloody remake! I just wonder if he was thinking that. Coming up next from Rob Zombie: A NEW Nightmare on Elm Street.

So that was at #2 this week. At #1 it's 3:10 to Yuma. Maybe I should do an Auteur Watch episode on James Mangold! He's back and bettah than evah, my friends; check out that tidbit about Girard Swan! He finally got the Mel Gibson Stink off... As for the rest of the cast, well, I guess we're overdue for another 2nd coming of Russell Crowe. This year will be a much better good year than last year was. Let's hope this time he gets an Oscar he can live with. As for the new Batman, how many damn movies can that bastard make in between sequels? Even more than the whole cast of the Matrix combined. And yet, he STILL won't return Mr. Bean's phone calls! (#8 this week...)

At #3 it's Superbad. I've got nothing left to say in praise of this one, so let me give another shout out to its director Greg Mottola. Don't forget, buddy: you're still just a hired gun. Okay, so you've gone from Soderbergh to Apatow. If I had online polls, I'd ask: is that a Step Up, Step Down, or a Lateral Move? If you're from Hollywood, you'd have to answer: Lateral Move, of course.

At #4 it's Balls of Fury. Yawn. So much for that Wednesday bump they were hoping for. Well, at least it's making more money than the Reno 911 movie did! Besides, how good can BOF be if Cedric "the OTHER entertainer" Yarbrough isn't in it?

At #5 it's The Bourne Ultimatum. More importantly, it's made 210 million, the most of any movie in the top 10 this week. And even more importantly, it's still in the IMDb top 250. I haven't seen it yet, but I hear they leave the door open for a fourth installment. Well, sooner that than Pirates 4, anyway. (Spoiler alert: my inside Hollywood source says that the tentative Pirates 4 script is as follows: the pirates find a time portal, and find themselves in modern day Manhattan, where they hold the employees of F.A.O. Schwarz hostage for several days. And of course, Johnny Depp spends about half the movie pulling the string on a talking Captain Jack Sparrow doll.) Where was I? Oh yeah, let me give a brief shout out to Tony Gilroy, yet another bastard I'm going to have to profile in my ongoing series Auteur Watch. Watch out, Michael Clayton!

Okay, I've got to bail out early for this week's b.o. report. Still trying to clean up from my big Labor Day party. And incidentally, if I hear another comedian point out the irony that we celebrate Labor Day by not working, I really will puke. Seriously, projectile vomit and everything, just like Bobcat talked about in that one Larry Sanders episode. Unlike your jobs, jokesters, WORK SUCKS!!!!!

A week of lulls, or Gone-Zo

I am reminded this week of that casserole on Malcolm in the Middle, made of all the left-overs the family didn't finish over the course of the week, and
for the first time ever LAST WEEK'S casserole ends up in the casserole! Oh sure there are some new entries this week, but you wouldn't know it from
looking at the top 3. Besides, the hot story this week is High School Musical 2 anyway. A lot of nostalgia for high school out there amongst the
giants who are happy that they're not going to school today. Zac Efron doing double duty in that and Hairspray; I love it! And could Ashley Tisdale be
the new Haylie Duff? Everyone else but Haylie'd like to think so! She's got an interesting smile; kind of a Rod Stewart vibe, with some Paris Hilton
thrown in to the mix, but with some wits about her. Yes, kind of a smug self-satisfaction but still not afraid to be a sex object and make some money
for the man. What do I gotta do to get with you, honey?
Anyway, let's tiptoe through the Box Office tulips in terms of cumulative total again

1 Superbad (2007) $18M $68.6M 52 The Bourne Ultimatum (2007) $12.4M $185M 13 Rush Hour 3 (2007) $12.2M $109M 34 Mr. Bean's Holiday (2007) $10.1M $10.1M 85 War (2007) $10M $10M 96 The Nanny Diaries (2007) $7.81M $7.81M 107 The Simpsons Movie (2007) $4.4M $173M 28 Stardust (2007) $3.95M $26.5M 69 Hairspray (2007) $3.45M $107M 410 The Invasion (2007) $3.14M $11.5M 7

The Simpsons Movie - If I read one more review comparing this to the South Park movie I'm going to puke. Seriously.
Mr. Bean's Holiday. Well, it's been 10 years so I guess we were overdue. I do like the idea of a G movie, though. Expect Johnny English 2 in 2013!
War. Yawn. The One part 2. Or Transporter 3, either one. I already had this one's number a long time ago. Still, makes all those ads for Jet Li's
Fearless seem a little anti-climactic. That was Li's last epic, so now he can only make crappy movies like this one? Is that how it works?
At seventh on our countdown to infamy, Nicole Kidman the Remake Queen is at it again. I mean, the Stepford Wives, Bewitched, and now this. Up next: I
-Spy 2, to help Owen Wilson get out of his funk.
And finally, diaries are incredibly hot-ular... popular? Hot? Spawning their own genre? You've got Bridget Jones, the Motorcycle Diaries, the Princess
Diaries, the Basketball diaries, Diary of a Mad Black Woman, and now the Nanny Diaries. From the powerhouse filmmaking team that brought you American
Splendor, and they managed to re-snag Giamatti for a role. Fancy that! What smashing good luck! And like Zwigoff when he made that bold leap from
Crumb to feature films, the filmmakers here employ the services of one delectable S. Jo. Why, that's almost like getting Ashley Tisdale. I guess
Brittany Murphy got tired of making pictures like this.
And finally, I pronounce you Craig & Larry has finally fallen out of the top 10. And it couldn't have come at a worse time....

Did someone say McLovin? or 2007: The Year of the Rogen

I was going to use the typical Animal House framegrab, but then I thought, yeah, that conniving little Sandlot bastard is more like it. Look, Ma! The surge worked! The saturation ad campaign paid off, retro-Columbia logo and all. Superbad rakes in 33 million big ones to make it at #1. Not bad for an R comedy, like Wedding Crashers (now playing on HBO: a Dobkin joint...) And! On top of that, all these #1 movies lately seem to surge up the IMDb top 250. Why is that? I think the crews of these movies get payola to cast some votes.

Not Rush Hour 3, though, at #2. They're old school. Give 'em hell, Roman! Best role since Robert Blake in Money Train.

Bourne 3 at #3 is there to stay, on the other hand. #65! Give em hell, Greengrass.

Well, it took a month but The Simpsons Movie finally slid off the top 250! It's almost at the 200 million mark, though. Sequel time? I still say it's time for the Simpsons Halloween Movie! C'mon, guys, what with all the other crappy horror movies out there, a good one might make a difference.

Rounding out the top 5 it's the latest incarnation of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Hey, Nicole, with this and The Golden Compass, I think the new Bond's making a move on you! Watch your ass, Urban! Real bonzer!

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As for the rest, Stardust, Hairspary, Underdog, Potter, the only one I have time to talk about is Chuck & Larry. Lemme just give a shout out to director Dennis Dugan. I can't believe I haven't already! This is the third Sandler film he's helmed. And with this, and the one couple in Big Daddy, my gay-dar went up. Oh yeah, and the whole Norman... Is That You? thing. And by that I mean one of the first films made from a video transfer. Guess he's not actually gay, though. He's made some pretty fabulous movies, I must admit. His next is another Sandler pic called Zohan. I assume, it's going to have Lindsay Lohan playing an alien from outer space, or from the Eastern Bloc, one or the other.

Okay, time to go. That rat bastard Stephen Hayes was benevolent enough on the Daily Show this week, but on Bill Maher's latest return to HBO? I don't think so. One of the tenets of the Bush Administration seems to be: debate everything forever. The Vietnam War was now fought all wrong. There's a connection between Iraq and 9/11. Darwin was wrong. Bush now says he admits there's no connection between 9/11 and Iraq. Some say that there's a new biography about Dick Cheney, but you know what? I don't believe it really exists. More debate on this later. :)

Yumpin' Yiminy!

Ladies and gentlemen, guest reviewer Jiminy Glick.

(Transcript) Ho, ho, it's wonderful! I'm Jiminy Glick and I'm... in Gitmo, or someplace! Just in this bare room with white walls and computer equipment everywhere, a proverbial Nerditorium from the Book of Dorks chapter 5:12, it says here. Oh, wonderful! Bruce Vilanch will be seeing a big payday for that one. All I know is I didn't work hard my whole life to be a famous celebrity and end up in a room like this. So let's see! Movies, movies, movies. I haven't really seen anything lately that I really liked. I stopped going to movies because Doris Day hasn't made a movie in years. What happened to her anyway? But I did hear of The Good German. Oooh, wonderful title. The Good German! Sort of a Casablanca remake but with the F-word. Oh it's just two hours of F-this, F-that, F, F, F, F, F! I'm just still confused by that title! The Good German, as if there were ever any bad Germans! It must be another Mel Brooks picture. Oh, it's just time for Mel to beat up the Nazis again. Get over it, already!

Speaking of getting over it already, the wonderful Jim Carrey is back again with The Number 23. Well, persistence must be his middle name. Someone should've taken him aside and said "It's okay. You'll get an honorary Oscar in about 40 years." Or, Tom Shadyac will just give you one of his. But God bless him, he keeps trying! I just still can't believe how Blockbuster poo'd the screwch on this one. Seriously! I mean, I saw this wonderful poster that said "The Number 23 coming to video on 7/24." Am I the only one to see the irony there? Hello?!

And speaking of Jim Carrey, I noticed his ex is keeping busy. The wonderful Renee Schwarzenegger is in Harry Potter... Stacy! What the dickens is wrong with these notes? Forgive me, it's called Miss Potter, and it's just now finally Muggle free and ready for the public library market. Oh, it's wonderful. It's like you go to the public library to check out a movie, and you have to tell your kids "Oh, Harry Potter's checked out. But they've got Miss Potter! That's just as good!" Yes, for a change a couple breaks up BEFORE one of them gets the Oscar, and now Carrey did the brave thing. He went on eHarmony and found out that Jenny McCarthy is out of rehab, available, and as it turns out is actually his exact opposite. Oh, it's a match made in Heaven, or as it's known in the biz, James Dobson's backyard. So in summation, another classic movie.

And speaking of another classic movie, there's Captivity, which I'm told is Calista Flockhart's greatest role ever, but why can't she be more like the girl next door? I know the director well, Sir Roland Joffe, and it's kind of brave and new how things change, or go in a circle, one of the two. Why it seems like only yesterday, about 25 years ago, when he did The Killing Fields. And now we have Captivity, and he's obviously come around to see that a little torture can be a good thing! Makes you think. Do I smell another Oscar?

You know, sometimes I reflect on how certain people don't get recognized for the geniuses they are. In this case, however, it's how people who live in the shadow of famous people. I mean, Summer Phoenix has played two title characters, Esther Kahn and Susie Gold. She has TWO movies named after her! What more do people want? Oh, people would just rather see Casey Affleck in Drowning Mona. I don't think so!

Well, it's been wonderful. Oh, I love technology. Technology and computers. They may not make you live longer, but after hanging ten on the web all night and you see the sun coming up the next morning, you begin to wonder if it's such a good idea, and hopefully you won't have to meet any of these web kook-pots when you do get to Heaven. You'll at the very least have more eyestrain than you did! That's a good thing, right? Oh wait! I almost forgot. Now normally I don't watch documentaries, I just think they're really all made up, and probably ghost written by some blacklisted screen writer like the wonderful Dalton Trumbo or Elia Kazan. Just pay the money and get taken off the list like a good Capitalist! What is the big deal? But I did see this movie called Jiminy Glick in La La Wood! Oh, I just love it when the movie's about me! Well, I saw it on video. My wonderful wife Dixie gave it to me as a Christmas present. And we all sat down and watched it, me and Dixie and our four strapping boys, Morgan, Mason, Matthew and Modine. I mean, I fell asleep about halfway through it, but what I remember seeing I loved. It was wonderful. I didn't like the guy who played me, though. I would've done it differently, and tried to be more professional, but you know, these actor guilds are very powerful and secretive. The director must've been weak-willed and let people just walk off with Kliegl lights and sell them on eBay, and forget to turn them off and just singe their hands! Oh hoh, what fun. I cracked myself up on that one! But you know what? I think I'll watch this Jiminy movie again at some point, maybe let it sit for a couple months and then see it again fresh. I just wonder what David Lynch was doing there? They must've left the bar open, or maybe he was friends with the director, who knows. Anyway, this is Jiminy Glick signing off, to all our ships at sea, and to all our fighting contractors out there. Let's really try to get Saddam this time! America hates a wimp. Over and out! ....okay is that it? Dixie! I need you, Dixie! Let's go to Spago's and get some spaghetti. Ha ha hah!!!

You sunk my Scrabble-ship!

All right, time to tear into another Box Office lobster. Gotta do it now or I'll never get it done, but where's the lemon juice and melted butter? But wait, before we get into that, let's take an ever so bittersweet look back at the films that totally dropped off the list from last week...

Transformers... Transformers! That's it, Shia's out of Indiana Jones 4... Is TF still even playing? Haven't seen it yet. Of course, who's got 2 1/2 hours to spare these days...

Hot Rod... Say hello to Finesse for me, Samberg. There's only room for one Adam in the top 10.

Bratz: The movie... You know what, guys, totally talk to the hand.

Who's Your Caddy? You're my caddy now, b'atch!

I Know who Killed Me, I'm going to miss you most of all. Now technically this dropped off the list the week before last, but I still can't believe how badly it did. Guess your fan base isn't ready for the drama yet, Lohan. Better just stick with a safe bet this next go round like Love Bug 2 or Mean Girls 2 or whatever the hell your people think will be a surefire hit. Why not just make a Paris Hilton-esque internet video while you're at it? That'll sell, right? Just ask Screech!

Okay, enough of the stench of the miserable past, and on to the glorious present, starting with Daddy Day Camp at #10, aka Daddy Day Care 2. But the real story here is child actor turned director Fred Savage! That's right, the Wonder Years kid. Hmm, I just may have to profile him in Auteur Watch, but since he's done so much TV work it'll have to be Hollywood Auteur Watch. Beware, Fred, don't hang out at the table that Rod Dainel's sitting at when the DGA convenes... wherever they convene. Somewhere far away from the makeup trailers, I suppose.

No Reservations at #9. I'd go to see it, but I'm on a diet.

Number 8 brings us Harry Potter 5. I've heard it's the best one yet. Probably because that little bastard Dobby didn't get to ruin it. Now, it's made about 100 million more than Adam Sandler's movie, but it's still one position behind it in the top 10! How cruel is that?
#7 gives us Chuck and Larry. What about that one dude that looks like Tom DeLay? Wait, that was really him? Wow!
#6 is Underdog, directed by Fredrik DuChau, an underdog in his own right. How sad when an animator, computer or non, gets left behind in this neo-gilded age of hollywood. Oh, why can't I be the next Don Bluth or David Silverman or Brett Leonard... no, wait... scratch that last one. And of course, a brief shout-out to Adam Rifkin, still getting work despite the fact it's not the late 90s and he's no longer the king of DreamWorks screenwriters.

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And now the better half. At #5 it's Hairspray, still making more money than the 1988 original. I hope John Waters got a piece of this, or did he get more screwed than Emo Philips and Greg Glienna?

At #4 it's the better half of Michelle Pfeiffer's comeback, making only a tenth of Hairspray's current haul, and it's Stardust. Oh, Ian McKellen only narrates it? How good can it be then? I'll tell you how good. Michelle Pfeiffer admiring her naked ass in a mirror good! Like Into the Night, but with heart. Li'l bit, right, De Niro?

At #3 it's The Simpsons Movie, currently a distant second behind Harry Potter in terms of cumulative box-office take with that giant money rake. And now there seems to be a concerted effort to keep this out of the IMDb Top 250. How does that work? I don't know, but the software geniuses at IMDb should make it so that when you click that link, it'll take you right to that point in the list where the movie is. Instead, I gotta do a text search with my hands like some kind of chump! Yep, there it is, right between Bonnie and Clyde and Before Sunset, but I guess it won't even be there for long. Damn you, Before Sunset! Wait for the threequel: Just After Mid-Day, or maybe they'll go to Alaska and call it Six-Month Sunset, you know.... never mind.

At #2 it's Bourne part 3, yeah yeah yeah. But at #1 it's another third! Rush Hour the Third! Maybe now Brett Ratner will get a little respect! ...maybe not. Sorry, Brett, you gotta take a page from the book of Spielberg if you want respect. It's time to take that book you've had optioned and been waiting to do and adapt it into Oscar bait, blatant or not. And as for you, Chris Tucker, maybe it's time to become a director your own damn self! Me myself, I wouldn't want to wait around six years for work while my best director friend ruins the Hannibal franchise and probably the X-Men franchise. I just can't keep track on all these superhero movies.

Well, that's it for this week's Report. Back to diagnosing my latest computer problem. There's some kind of file, I'll call it a 'balloon file', because my hard drive memory keeps slowly shrinking, at varying speeds, about 1MB every 5 minutes or so. I got it all back once, but not so lucky this time. Hmm. Guess certain DVDs don't want to be copied. I hope someone made a pretty penny off that one. Damn you, China!