Ug

The family-friendly Pixar-esque film in 3D is #1 this week again.  Big surprise.  Meanwhile, the big R-rated president-centric action flick Olympus Has Fallen takes the #2 spot.  Finally!  A pic that liberals and Tea Partiers can watch together: Tea Partiers going to see a black president under siege, and liberals going to... well, frankly, I'm a liberal and I'm not going to see it, so I dare not speak for my people.
My Beverly Hills source tells me that Jennifer Aniston's assistant placed a call to Tina Fey's office, saying "Oh, it's on, bitch.  You're coming into my backyard, taking my roles?  I will CRUSH you!"  Something like that.  The point is, Tina Fey's now dipping her toes into the murky cinema waters and, while Admission didn't debut strong, it could still cross the $100 million mark by the end of the year.  But you'll figure this stuff out.  Probably should've gone with Chris Weitz instead of Paul for director.  Everybody knows he's got more of a populist touch.
And finally, the social media's buzzing about it, the critics love it, the people seem to love it... and Rachel Korine better love it if she knows what's good for her!  She's hanging with Hollywood's best and brightest now, living that Maureen Dowd dream of getting in touch with her inner slut... something like that.  Yes, it's Harmony Korine's triumphant return to the fold with Spring Breakers, the movie that's not what it seems, and in all the right ways.  Is this not like Tarantino's return to form with Kill Bill?  After taking some time off with short films, Korine is back to try the feature length auteur game... oh, right, there was Mister Lonely.  I keep forgetting.  The point is, Korine never really went away, it just felt like it.

The Three Stooges in "The Fortune Cookie"

ACT ONE

If you and I remember correctly, the plot of Billy Wilder's The Fortune Cookie involved health insurance fraud.  Sorry... SPOILER ALERT.  Double Indemnity was life insurance fraud.  Here, the opening shot involves some pretty chick in a wheelchair.  Is this a Joe DeRita or Joe Besser short or what?  No, as it turns out, the Stooges live one floor below in the same apartment building.  The wheelchair chick, SPOILER ALERT, turns out to be faking, and is just biding her time with this elaborate hoax to collect a big payday from the insurance company... and thereby driving up the premiums for everyone else.  Something like that.  Cycle of life game-changing stuff.  Hey, they broke your heart so go get that M.O.N.E.Y., that's what I say!
So, the movie starts off on the day that she's going to collect.  Screenwriters, take note: start your scripts at the most interesting part of the story.  It wouldn't be so interesting if it were a week away from the big day, for example!  Her partner in crime, the surrogate for the audience, shows up, and asks her who she got for witnesses "this time."  Oh, a serial defrauder, eh?  She tells the guy that she got the three saps on the floor below as witnesses.
Cut to the three saps in bed, snoring away.  They end up harmonizing in their sleep.  Lol.  I don't think they've done that before!  After that, they roll over loudly, and reminded me of that awful two-headed purple monster that became all the rage on Sesame Street for a while.  Nobody knows its name, and I guess none of the Sesame Street staff could be bothered to think of one.  Anyway, back to the Stooges.  Mary taps on the radiator pipe, and the Stooges wake up.  "Hey, it's Mary!" exclaims Moe.  They stand up and yawn, punching Lawrence in the head in the process.  Moe gets a hammer and taps back.  Mary then taps out a Morse code message meaning "breakfast."  Larry figures that one out.  Meanwhile, Shemp's got his ear to the pipe... gee, I wonder what's going to happen?  Moe has to send a message back, and Larry tells him how to tap the pipe.  And so, with a mighty swing of the camera, Moe starts hammering on Shemp's metal head.  A variation on the ol' knocking on the door trick; you know, you're knocking on the front door of some guy's house, and you try to act all cool about it by turning and talking to your friend at the same time, when the person comes to the door and you end up knocking on their head!  At that point, you go from cool to fool!  Mwa-ha-ha-ha... where was I?  Oh yeah.  God, but blogs are so annoying.  Comic books this, video games that, and non-sequiturs galore.  Moe starts going to Shemp, "Relax, kid.  All I did was hit you in the head with the hammer like this!"  He does it again, and then Shemp takes the hammer from Moe to demonstrate... well, I dare not spoil it.  Needles to say, they're trying to subvert the audience's expectations. Especially with the next scene involving Larry, when he starts going all Moe on Moe's ass.  Oh, dude!  Talk about game changing!  Moe seems a little shocked himself, and can barely deliver his line!  Or maybe he didn't have enough water and his throat was dry.  Larry does the hand following bit on Moe, but doesn't seem to do it right somehow.  It's more of a hand-waving motion, and Larry does it as a push.  Kinda weird!  I think it's his first time doing it... and probably last.  Moe does the "See that?" routine but ends up hitting himself on the head with his own hammer.  It's all very disorientating, but the enormity of the crime is not lost on Larry and Shemp, and they run off in a sad attempt to look busy.  Larry tells Shemp, "Get busy!  Do your exercises!"  More disorientation.  Shemp starts doing toe touches, and every time he bends over it sounds like a bunch of walnuts getting cracked and shelled.  Well, he bends over one time, then Larry lifts him back up, and Shemp bends over a second time, asking someone to help him up.  Moe kicks him in the ass instead, and Shemp falls completely to the floor.  Moe whisks Lawrence away, and Shemp decides to start practicing his swimming.  And even though he's not in a pool, Shemp starts taking on water.  You'll see in a second... that is water, isn't it?  For this assault, Moe decides to find a fitting punishment, and goes over to get a hook on a pole, which he puts in Shemp's mouth to lift him up.  Sheesh.  Reminds me of something that happened to Steve-O... actually, I don't think I'll look for that one on YouTube.  Anyway, Moe gets his corporation in order, as it's time to shave.  Boy, there must've been an extreme shortage of available sets that week.  The shaving proper begins here.  If only someone had a montage of the Stooges shaving!  I know of at least one person who wouldn't be able to watch it.  Larry shaves off a big hunk of chest hair at this point... that is chest hair, isn't it?  Larry's got a funny expression on his face, and not funny ha-ha.  To put a cap on this shave-a-thon, Shemp gets hot towels out of the fridge... don't think about it.  Shemp doesn't have to get the talcum powder, though.  Moe brings it over and introduces it for everyone.  Apparently, it's called "Shlemeil #8!"  You know, they never did ask me how to spell shlemeil in all those spelling bees.  Let's do this the democratic way: shlameel gets about 6,000 hits on Yahoo!, shlemeil gets about 41,200, shlemiel gets about 38,000 and schlemiel gets exactly 134,000.  Then of course, they keep recommending this.  Time to move on.  Woody Allen must've liked this part, as there's a very, very similar scene in Annie Hall.  A bit different, however, as Shemp somehow gets a big mouthful of the talcum powder.

ACT TWO

Now that they're dressed, they're ready to make breakfast.  This is going to take forever.  Mary taps again and they approach the assignment with a new found sense of urgency.  For some reason, the hot plate is next to the front door on the dresser.  Lol.  Shemp is on egg duty.  "Oh!  Nice fresh cackle fruit!" he says.  Or is it "cackle food?"  Kinda sounds like "cackle food" to me.  Meanwhile, Larry is the picture of domesticity as he goes through cabinets in the kitchen proper.  He finds a bowl of water... that is water, isn't it?  Back to Shemp, who's busy moving two fried eggs around in the skillet.  Supervisor Moe comes over and reminds Shemp that Mary likes 'em scrambled!  To properly correct Shemp, Moe gives him a swift kick in the ass.  (Moe has to dub in his line about a potato at this point)  But every action has an equal and opposite reaction, and... yup.  Another pair of fried egg eyeglasses for Moe.  Moe sends Shemp packing and takes over the scrambled egg duty himself.  If you're either a chef or a non-chef, you might want to just skip over this part.  SHEESH!!!  Moe puts a whole paint can full of lard into the skillet, and starts grinding whole eggs in a coffee grinder.  Yup, shell and all, singing like Curly all the while.
For once, the Stooges don't have enough time, so, like the bad dream it sort of is, we cross-fade right to Mary's apartment, where Larry is clutching at his face as though he's just been slapped.  Sorry, no director's cut of these things, but he surely was just reprimanded for making a bad joke.  Moe orders Shemp to set up the portable table for Mary so she can start eating her plate of lard garnished with egg.  Time to eat up some more time!  You know, Harpo once had a similar adventure with a folding table, but it's just Shemp this time.  Shemp starts to walk away and do it, but suddenly realizes he doesn't like Moe's attitude, so he does something about it, by Gum!  Now THAT's how you do the hand gesture thing!  On overdrive, baby, like you're waving!!!  Pay attention, Lawrence.
The struggle begins.  The table needs an exorcism, apparently.  Actually, I think I'll risk skipping over this part.  Needles to say, Shemp doesn't know whether to laugh or cry, so he does a little of both.  Moe comes over and administers another kick to Shemp's ass, sets up the table himself, and goes away again.  The table punishes Shemp anew for that, but Shemp finds a little movie magic in his fit of frustration.
Shemp brings over the now obedient table and Moe beams with pride as he describes the breakfast to Mary: "Nice cold hotcakes smothered in vinegar!"  If I were Mary, I would not eat any food the Stooges prepared in general, and that breakfast in particular.  But that's just me.
We're about overdue for a new character to enter the fray, and thankfully, one shows up.  Enter Vernon Dent, the new adjuster from the Calamity Insurance Company.  Mary is polite to him, but Shemp's dealt with this type before.  Shemp chews Dent out good... but apparently they were good friends in real life.  Shemp puts a pair of pliers on his shoulder and dares Dent to knock them off.  I think this is the first time that's happened in a Stooge film, probably the last.  Well, Shemp was always the street wise kid.  Curly was never prone to angry fits like that.  Moe comes over, takes the pliers, hits Shemp in the head with them, and grabs Shemp's nose to drag him away from Dent.  Now it's Larry's turn.  Oh, puh-leeeeeeeeeeeeze.  And I know you were thinking it, too.  Dent's all too ready, though, and he up and pokes Lawrence in the eyes.  Just on G.P., you know.  Moe wordlessly moves Larry back over next to Mary.  Interesting moment.  Shemp goes in for a second helping and gets his foot smashed by Dent.  Moe takes charge of his corporation, and angrily tells Mary, "Mary, we got work to do.  We'll see you later!"  Moe then tells Dent to open the door for them, which he does.  Must be nice to have two Stooges you can grab by the hair now.
Next scene: the lobby of a building... hey!  Maybe it's their apartment building!  "Let's hurry this up so we (can) get back and help Mary!" says Larry.  Finally!  A purpose in life.  The Stooges, however, can never do anything in a hurry except run from the cops.  Their task is to put up a new poster.  Shemp turns to talk to Larry and hits Moe with the glue broom.  He turns again and hits Larry.  He turns again and hits Moe again!!!  Moe merely readjusts Shemp instead of outright hitting him about the face and neck.  Shemp starts applying a layer of glue and hits Moe in the stomach with the broom handle.  Moe decides to act like a boss and starts lighting up a small stogie.  Shemp hits Moe in the belly again, and ... yup, you guessed it.  DOWN GOES STOGIE!  Moe starts choking and, to add ironic insult to injury, gets a mouthful of broom handle to smoke in lieu of the cigar of yesterseconds.  Agitated, Moe says "Why you... you nitwit you!  What's the matter with you?"  In his agitated state, Moe grabs the glue brush, tells Shemp "You're absolutely useless!" and proceeds to brush Larry's face with the white glue.  There's irony in there someplace, I just can't place it.  Moe tells Larry that he's sorry, but Larry's still kinda pissed off about the faceful of glue.  Moe reiterates, saying "I said I'm sorry, so SHUT UP!"  This may go on for years!  (oh right... it has)

ACT THREE

They eventually get the poster up, then read it to kill some time and inform the audience, too!  The camera swoops over to see Svengarlic and his agent walking into the lobby.  Business is bad, and they need to pull a David Blaine-style publicity stunt to attract the corneas of that big Public Eye.  Svengarlic agrees, but he says he has to find the right person to hypnotize.  Well, he's probably about to find three.  He overhears Shemp's latest idea: get Svengarlic to hypnotize Mary so she can walk again!  Moe poo-poohs the idea, of course, so Shemp tries to hypnotize Moe.  Time to kill some more time.
For a while, Shemp seems to hypnotize Moe.  Moe repeats everything Shemp tells him to do.  Things start to fall apart when Shemp says "You are now in Sing Sing!"  Moe picks up a chair and holds it in front of his face so it looks like he's behind bars.  Wayne and Garth couldn't do it any better.  "I am now in Sing Sing," chants Moe.  Sorry, I'm skipping ahead a little bit.  Shemp says to Moe, "You are now in Boston!"  Moe says "I am now in Sing Sing."  There's a great joke there someplace.  And you may have noticed that the camera gets in closer on Moe.  Suddenly, it's Moe who seems to be doing the hypnotizing!  I guess I might as well describe the last joke before Moe gets back to his normal self.  "You can't get him out of Sing Sing!" moans Larry.  Shemp replies, "Good, because that's just where he belongs."  Moe hits Shemp with the chair and gets back to his normal grouchy self.
At this point, Svengarlic closes in, approaching the Stooges.  Moe finishes telling the other two that all this hypnotism stuff is the bunk.  "That's where you're wrong, my friend!" says Svengarlic.  "Look me in the eye... the EYE!" says Svengarlic.  Svengarlic shows the Stooges the palms of his hands.  They have eyes drawn on them.  I guess that's where Shemp screwed up.  Svengarlic quickly hypnotizes the three and makes them jump through various hoops, mostly animal hoops.  Larry acts like a cat, and Shemp like a monkey.  Svengarlic just has Moe walk over to the other two.  You know, guys, if you hadn't wasted so much time on Mary and the poster, maybe you'd have time to have Moe act like an animal!  Or maybe that's not in Moe's contract, who knows.  The agent runs over and shakes Svengarlic's hand.  Genius!  Sensational.  All that kinda agent stuff.  Ego inflated.  Fade to black.
Fade in on stock footage of an assembled crowd.  The agent speaks to the crowd through a microphone, and from the same lobby, no less!  He directs the crowd to look up at a flagpole high up on the tall building.  Hmm!  Just like Olive Oyl was just on.  It's all related.  Thank God for government regulations that prevent this kind of public publicity stunt from happening so much these days.  Svengarlic gets the Stooges to walk out onto the flagpole.  There's a brief shot of the sidewalk for our edification.  Svengarlic tells the Stooges to start dancing.  They do.  Just then... a paperboy on a bicycle rides into the lobby.  Just go with it.  He's looking up at the Stooges and doesn't see where he's going, and... BAM!  Right into Svengarlic.  Svengarlic hits the wall, dislodging a potted plant that hits him on the head.  Just go with it.  Svengarlic is now an honorary Stooge.  You become that if you hit a wall and dislodge something that hits you on the head.  The agent goes over and tries to wake up Svengarlic, and reminds the audience that the Stooges are still up on that flagpole!  Cut to the Stooges who start to come out of the trance.  Larry asks "What's that crowd doing down there?"  Cut to stock footage of people walking by on the sidewalk below.  NOT THE CROWD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Back to the Stooges who immediately start losing their balance after that.  This is a medium shot.  Cut to a long shot of the Stooges falling and grabbing onto the flagpole with their hands.  Shemp ends up hanging onto Moe's legs.  They are in a tight spot.  There's only about a minute and a half left, which gives them plenty of time to fall..................... Moe loses his pants at this point.  And Shemp's face ain't doing too good either, frankly!

EPILOGUE

Inexplicably, they all manage to climb back up to the top of the flagpole.  At this point, it starts to crack.  Larry seems to make the same groaning noise twice.  And at this point, it snaps, sending the boys and flagpole fragment sailing into the nearest window.  They all land in a heap on the floor next to Mary and Vernon Dent, the new adjuster from the Calamity Insurance Company.
Mary shrieks and stands up.  Larry David couldn't have written it any better.  Mary's check is torn up by Dent.  "You blithering idiots!" screams Mary.  Now she sounds British!  Let's check the IMDb... the IMDb doesn't know.  Neither does Wikipedia, but it says the U.S.  Anyway, Brit or not, she's pissed and grabs the nearest thing she can find: the ball on the end of the flagpole.  She unscrews it from the pole and throws it at the Stooges.  It hits all three of them, sounding out the NBC logo.  They fall to the floor.  Alas, honesty is not always the best policy... what?  What did I say?  Three and a half stars for the clever plot.

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

"I'll save 'er, ya pop-eyed freak!"

Have you ever seen the Popeye cartoon called A Dream Walking?  Well, I have!... see how I did that?

ACT ONE

I wonder if the Fleischer Orchestra ever got tired re-recording the opening theme music over and over again.  In this case, yes, so they added part of the song A Dream Walking to go along with the title.  You know, like how Paul Shaffer keeps playing "Frankenstein" every time Al Franken goes on the Letterman show, that kinda thing.  Good tie-in.
First scene: night time, and our three principals are fast asleep.  First, Popeye, who snores to the rhythm of his theme song.  Kinda dorky.
Next scene: the "camera" pans out to the outside of the tenement building where Popeye's staying, and we go to the next window: Bluto's bedroom.  I'm laughing already for some reason.  We see Bluto snoring away, so hard that he blows his one bedsheet clean off.  Notice the knife on the floor next to him, the knife buried in the floor, and the axe with the chewed-up blade on the wall.  Must be a momento from the previous pic.  At one point, his bedsheet tears from the sheer force of his halitosis.  Pure Fleischer.
The "camera" pulls back to the outside of the building again, and we go up a floor to the top, to Olive's room.  If you notice, she's got pictures of both Popeye and Bluto next to her bed.  Nasty, girl!  PICK ONE.  Sheesh!  Dames.
And then... the conceit of the pic.  Olive starts sleepwalking in her sleep.  Her first feat: she walks right up to the screen as close as her nose can take her.  Worth the price of admission right there!  Oh, it gets more death-defying after that.  For her next trick, she steps outside and walks the length of the flagpole outside her apartment... seven stories up, if I counted the building's windows correctly.  Oh, I can't look!  And yet... can't turn away, either.  Now, I hate to nitpick, but Olive ends up knocking a box of plants off her balcony, and it wakes up Popeye and Bluto at the same time.  Plot device!  "What's that?" says Bluto.  Good delivery.  Popeye bellows "It's Olive Oyl!" and Bluto says "Ohhhhh!!"  Reminds me of this here thing, and I know I'm not the only one.  2.5 million hits!!... was that Taran Killam?  I'll be damned!  Small world.  Anyway, back to the cartoon.  Olive seems to be doing all right on her own, but you know how those two men are.  They gotta save her.  Bluto grabs Popeye's neck and calls him a pop-eyed freak.  Popeye straightens out his neck and takes off, trying to beat Bluto to the punch.  Alas, they both get dressed and grab their hats at exactly the same time.  They're in such a rush, they don't even bother closing their apartment doors!
Pan down to the ground floor of the building... I think they skipped a few floors along the way... where Popeye and Bluto head out at the same time.  Now all you animation buffs out there should be able to spot the difference between the painted background and the painted cels of the part of the building that's going to break.  Even on YouTube, you can make it out.  If this were the colorized version, the whole thing would look really crappy... okay, not that bad.  Bluto knocks Popeye down and starts chasing after Olive.  Popeye says "Oh, tough guy, huh?  Wise guy!"  Good line reading.

ACT TWO

And so, Popeye and Bluto are on the ground chasing after a sleepwalking Olive, way up on the tops of New York's finest buildings.  Bluto sees that Popeye's following after him, so he has to take action.  Action in the form of a donkey kick to the chin.  Good Lord!  Popeye's only slightly hurt by that, though.  Don't worry, because it's going to happen a second time.  Meanwhile, Olive runs out of balcony, so a power line will just have to do in a pinch.  And then... the conceit of many a picture, no?  What better place for some cartoon-y hi-jinks than a construction site?  Take Baby's Day Out, for example... actually, that's probably the only one.
Meanwhile, back to ground level, where Bluto gives Popeye a second donkey kick.  That's about all Bluto can handle, gymnastics-wise.  Bluto makes it to the construction site's fence proper, and lets himself in, the alpha male that he is.  Why, he doesn't even turn to look at Wimpy, the night watchman!  Popeye follows soon after and tries to do the right thing by alerting Wimpy, but he's far too busy with his open box of a dozen hamburgers, conveniently labeled "LUNCH."  Wimpy looks up and sees Olive, and Olive's emaciated figure is suggestingly illuminated by the moon... hmm!  E.T. ring a bell, anyone?!!!!  Oh, Spielberg'll never cop to it.  Wimpy replies "She'll awaken when she falls" and gets back to his pile of hamburgers.  Popeye kicks the chair out from under Wimpy for good measure and enters the site.  Wimpy has fallen flat on his belly, but he can still reach the endless pile of hamburgers, so he just continues stuffing his swollen face with hamburgers!!!  He was 80 years ahead of his time.
Meanwhile, Olive's made it to the top of the structure of naked steel.  Bluto tries moving the cranes around to catch Olive before she falls.  Now, this is where the percussion section of the Fleischer orchestra gets to have some fun... more or less.  You might notice that one of the gears has six teeth and is shaped just like a star of David!  I just noticed that just now, I swear!  As well as that it's the crane with this gear that takes Olive to the floor below... I hesitate to say that it's the only thing that would've saved her.  Again, a plot device.  Bluto gets in an elevator at this point.  Popeye grabs the next one.  Man!  They don't stop for very long, do they?
Awright, now we're talking.  Something for animation buffs.  Before they started using their 3D backgrounds on a giant turntable, they had little sections like this one.  Olive gets carried up on the top of Bluto's open-faced elevator.  Bluto ends up on the same floor as her, but is looking the other way, so he doesn't see her.  Popeye then arrives in his elevator, and goes to all the trouble to bend one of the steel beams so Olive can walk down.  Does she appreciate it?  Of course not!  Sheesh.  And neither does Bluto, who comes walking up at the same time.  Popeye's just about to grab Olive when Bluto says "I told ya..." and then he says "Sega!" just before decking Popeye.  You know, like those old Sega commercials... or does he?  Maybe he says "Take that!" but he just says it so staccato.  Unsettling!  The stuff catch phrases are made of.  Popeye flies up to the top, sees a large hand-cranked hook with rope... Man, but do I not know the proper names of things.  He rips this hook from its steel moorings on the building, says "That's the thing I want!" and uses it to catch Bluto just before he can save Olive.
Now comes a bravura sequence, and I don't use that word lightly.  Bluto does not take his plight lying down, as he climbs the length of Popeye's steel fishing pole, says "SEGA!" again and punches Popeye while he's still standing on it!!!!  They both fall off the side of the building, presumably to their deaths... if not for the pulley.  The rope gets caught on a girder and the pulley snaps off, crushing Wimpy to death... by implication.  There's a little bit of rope left dangling on this girder, which Bluto and Popeye grab a hold of, of course.  They take a beat to catch their breaths, and a subtle dance begins.  This is the kind of thing that could only happen in a cartoon.  Popeye says "WHAM!" and punches Bluto.  I'm laughing already.  Bluto swings around the axis of the exposed girder, and they both fall to the next exposed girder down, the thin rope stopping their fall to the street.  Now it's Bluto's turn to punch.  Same thing happens to Popeye, and down they go another level.  They don't hit each other, by the way, when they land.  They're not a Newton's cradle, after all!  Popeye says "WHAM!" again, and down they go again!  Death wishes, anyone?  This time, the rope snaps, and they fall.  Fortunately, a lone girder is being hoisted by a rope just under them.  Hmm!  Makes me wonder why we didn't see that rope before.  Oh well.  The point is, they're saved, and ready to beat the snot out of each other some more.  But they wait, as they're clinging to this rising girder for dear life.  Incidentally, good perspective work on the girder.  Must've been rotoscoped to hell.  The crane on autopilot takes the two numbskulls to the top, where we see Olive happily walking towards the audience once again.  God has saved Popeye and Bluto to fight another day, but has a little deus ex machina mischief for them, too.  The girder swings back and hits the two of them in the back of the head and... yup!  You guessed it.  The three of them are now all sleepwalking!  Probably a good time for an Act Break.

ACT THREE

Notice how their hands wave up and down as they walk.  The three of them just narrowly missed each other, but the two men finally bump into each other and instantly wake up.  A Category 2 Fist Tornado breaks out, and they fall off the building for the twentieth time in this damn pic!  They land on another suspended girder and do some fancy moves around on it.  Jackie Chan and what's his face... Jason Statham would be jealous.  Popeye, however, bites off more than he can chew and ends up hanging off the end of the girder by his hands, which Bluto promptly steps on over and over and over and over again... Brutal!  Makes that scene in Mel Gibson's Payback look like child's play... or Child's Play 2, whichever comes first.  It's probably time for some spinach, and Popeye bites off exactly as much of that as he can chew.  Bluto seems to be achieving some lucidity here!  He looks down and sees that Popeye's arm muscles are transforming into Monopoly game pieces, and starts freaking out big time.  It'll take him several more years to figure out that he needs to attack spinach itself to win.  For now, time for an ass-whoopin'.  Bluto takes off running away as fast as he can through this construction site.  Popeye gets his bearings, and... it's time for some more fancy "3-D" action!  I know, not as good as Jurassic Park 1 in 3-D, but at the time even Disney himself must've been slightly impressed.  Popeye brachiates up to the top level of the construction site, with the greatest of ease, I might add.
Bluto's forgotten about Popeye for the moment and is quietly tiptoeing after Olive.  Popeye swings on yet another girder hanging by a rope and kicks Bluto in the butt.  So cruel.  But Bluto's rarin' to go, and grabs the same girder and starts charging at Popeye with it.  Popeye punches the girder into an @ symbol, punches the twisted metal away, and punches Bluto away.  Bluto flies over to an elevator, and Popeye runs over to Bluto.  Popeye punches Bluto and he falls back onto the elevator.  The elevator goes down to ground level, dings, and flies back up.  You know, like that strength game with the bell at the top, but in reverse.  Repeat.  Do we get a third iteration?  Alas, no.  Popeye sends Bluto right down to the ground, which of course would  kill a flesh and blood human being.  For Bluto, he lands next to Wimpy.  Wimpy's okay after all!!!  Hallelujah.  He has no hamburgers left, so he's down to heating a patty on a slab of metal with a portable blowtorch.  "Beg pardon, sir" says Wimpy to Bluto.  Bluto says ".......huh?"  Wimpy asks the dazed Bluto "Do you have any Grey Poupon?"  Sorry, I had to go for it, but Wimpy does ask for mustard.  Bluto gives the proper response to that by passing out.
Oh, right!  Olive.  Almost forgot about her in all the commotion.  She looks like she's really headed off the side of the building this time, but a girder hanging by a rope saves her at the last second... then another!  Then another!  And by the time it got to the sixth or seventh girder leering and smecking... I began to feel really sick, but you didn't hear that from me.  How many of these damn rope girders ARE there?  Popeye sees what's going on and he manages to snag his own Girder Express and starts chasing after Olive.  Now how's that work?!  "I ain't afraid a'nuthin" says Popeye.  We know, Popeye, we know...

EPILOGUE

And so, after all that, Olive ends up putting herself safely back to bed.  You can probably guess how and when she's going to wake up, especially if you've seen the earlier Popeye short they call Sock-a-Bye Baby.  Sorry... SPOILER ALERT.  Olive wakes up, and sees Popeye looking at her.  Olive screams, calls him a Peeping Tom, and throws a bunch of stuff at him... ending with a giant stove!!! And lit, no less!  No wonder they play the spinach theme while this is going on.  Popeye ain't afraid of nothin', but he's a little wary of Olive at this point.
I hate to say that I can't put my finger on it, and I don't like to over-analyze these things,  but somehow this just isn't one of the all-time classics.  Maybe it's that they didn't quite land the ending for me.  Yeah, that's probably it.  I mean, there's all the 3-D in it and everything.  Three and a half for this one.

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Salim Akil

Born in Hollywood's backyard, Salim Akil is so close to getting somewhere.  He achieved infamy with the 2012 remake of something called Sparkle.  2012's answer to Glitter, apparently.  Which is perfect because he seems to be following in Vondie Curtis-Hall's giant footsteps.  His next project is called Diggy Simmons MOW.  Man, I'm so unhip.  I'm looking at the IMDb page, and I don't see a single character named Diggy Simmons.  If you get any ad money, I suggest you go the Atlas Shrugged route and have posters with a black outline of a person, and the words "Who is Diggy Simmons?"  I'm sorry.. "Who dat Diggy?"  But you know what you're doing.  Just remember Bowfinger's prophecy: when you hit 50, it's over.  But don't ask Mary Lambert!  She wouldn't know, that's fer sure!! Ha ha!!

Oz again?

Oz again.  Yes, despite my friend's hatred of James Franco, the Oz movie pulls in another 40 mill this weekend.  Of course, that's just the American market.  It's all the international markets that really count these days.  Take L. Frank Baum's home country, for example... oh, right.  Well, to most of us, New York is a whole other country.  Meanwhile, Halle Berry's latest horror flick pounces on #2, and Steve Carell's latest is banished to #3.  Apparently they didn't advertise it enough.  Wonderstone Almighty!

The No. 170 Stooges' Detective Agency

I think I saw this in For Crimin' Out Loud form, but what the hey.  It'll be a while before we get to that one.

ACT ONE

Old Emil Sitka and his creepy butler are listening to the radio.  Ah, the cheapskate rich and their lack of interest in the Dumont TV network.  Anyway, there's a rare bit of news for the 1949-era 1 percenters: a notorious gang called the Phantom Gang is stalking prominent citizens, and they just claimed another victim!  The clumsy butler, so engrossed in the broadcast, drops the tray and glass he's holding.  Normally, that's a firable offense, but it's just Sitka and the butler and not a high-profile party with many prominent guests, so it passes.  The butler practically declares himself the leader of the Phantom Gang right after Sitka verbally admonishes him for the dropped glass.  "YOU may be next!" says the butler.  Sitka's not worried, though, even though he's trying to light the match in his mouth with a cigar.  Iconic.
"Where are those detectives?" asks Sitka.  At least he didn't say those three detectives.  See?  Even the Stooges get tired of the same old setup.  No sooner does Sitka finish his sentence, when a giant rock crashes through the window.  Sitka has a nice reaction to this, standing up out of his chair.  Hmm, Smithers!  It seems a bird has become petrified and has flown through the window!
Simplicity is sometimes best in these situations.  There's a note tied to the rock.  Sitka grabs the rock and note out of his butler's hands... what a faker.  Now, how are the 1% supposed to watch this and suspend their disbelief at the same time?  Fat, obese chance.
Symmetry is oftentimes best in these situations, as it helps plant seeds in the audiences' brains.  Sitka reads the note aloud, and the note says "YOU will be next!"  He makes a mad dash for the phone, and tells the operator to get him the Alert Detective Agency.  "How should I know the number?"  Suspension of disbelief by the 1% restored.
Next scene: the door of the Alert Detective Agentcy.  Say!  Just like the pic.  Now, from the agency's name, you probably can guess what the next gag's going to be... but you're wrong.  Dead wrong.  Just like I was.  Which is why I'm not going to spoil it for you by describing it; also, I'm a week behind and I'm trying to catch up here.  Needles to say, Dudley Dickerson does some of his best work in the scene, which is a shame in a way.  Anyway, Moe asks Shemp what his watch says.  Shemp replies "It don't say nothin'!  You gotta look at it!"  Slap.  Ah, the ambiguity inherent in language.  We heard the phone ringing at the beginning of the scene, and Larry eventually gets over to the phone, when he's good and ready.  Oh, Moe's not even going to put up with that again.  Larry gets slapped for his phone manner, and I only point it out because of the suddenness of it.  Oh, that's going into the YouTube mashup!  Meanwhile, on Sitka's end of the phone, things are going to get ironic at least, and deadly at worst!  Geez, the guy doesn't know his own house very well.
Sitka is neutralized, and the three bad guys come into the room... hmm!  Reminds me of those Bizarro Jerry episodes of Seinfeld.  The butler's the smart one, saying that Sitka called the detectives just before his demise.  But like Back to the Future, they own their plot holes and prepare for battle with the detectives.  First with wits, then with their weapons of choice.  No D&D dice here, my friends!  This game's for life and death!  For some reason, I don't remember the butler's creepy laugh from the remake.  I must've blocked it out or something.
Next scene: enter the Stooges.  The butler answers the door, and the Stooges enter like minks escaping from the cage.  Moe barks out "The butler's always the suspect!!"  "Suspect?" replies the complicit butler.  They stop and pose for a photo taken by Shemp.  Fortunately, the butler didn't have his knife on him at the time, but Larry finds a watch, which Moe promptly breaks over Lawrence's head.  The butler, the guilty git that he is, is displeased ne'theless.  The Stooges get invited to the next room.
Next scene: the next room.  It appears to be Sitka's study.  Dayamn!  This one had a budget and a great set!  "What a..."  I'm sorry.  I mean, "Wotta creepy lookin' joint!" says Moe.  Shemp helps set the proper mood by saying "Swell place for a murder!"  Moe and Larry coerce Shemp into thinking positive.  Meanwhile, Shemp never knew what almost grabbed him.  Love that gag.
Enter the femme fatale, played by the lovely-to-look-at and lovely-in-spirit Christine McIntyre.  She sizes up this trio of knuckleheads right away, and goes right into her best Mae West.  Shemp's smitten right away.  Moe says "Hold on!  We're here on business!"  Shemp retorts, "I mean business!"  A rejoinder even modern Maxim magazine would surely like.  Sure, it's no "Your dress would look great on my floor," but still pretty good, right?  Moe's about to let Shemp really have it, and I mean really have it, but Shemp's ready.  He puts on a pair of glasses, but Moe doesn't even give him a chance to say the line!  What a bully!  Cue the sound of the biggest pane of glass you've ever heard break.  Obviously, it's up to McIntyre to walk over to them.
McIntyre's now standing next to the Stooges, and she's hard at work establishing an alibi.  She informs the Stooges that her uncle's disappeared!  She says, "He was sitting right over there.  Then suddenly... I heard a SCREAM!"  The Stooges seem to buy it.  Well, they got spooked, anyhow.  Moe tries to calm everyone down.  And by everyone, I mean his fellow Stooges.  Shemp seemed a little pissed off to me, personally.  Fingerprints!  They're going to start looking for fingerprints!  Moe drags Larry over to the desk with his sticky magnifying glass.
Now you're probably asking yourself, man!  It's been a while since there's been some wanton physical violence.  Are you sure this is a Stooge film?  Well, don't worry, because Moe gives Larry a swift kick in the ass, saying "Get busy!"  A few seconds after that, Larry violently opens a drawer and hits Moe right in the coconut.  "What's the matter?" asks Larry, in a vain attempt to sound innocent.  Moe points inside the drawer and tells Larry, "Get that letter!"  Moe then closes the drawer on Larry's hand.  Yup, this is a Stooge mystery, all right.  Meanwhile, Shemp runs afoul of his camera.

ACT TWO

It's about the five minute mark, so time for Act Two.  Shemp is summoned to take some photographs of fingerprints.  I'll let that sink in for all the old-timey camera nerds out there, and give them some time to adjust  the tape on their broken glasses, take a deep, deep breath, and launch into "Dubious at best."  The main thing to remember is, like a teen with a cell phone, Shemp gets distracted from the task at hand.  In this case, by McIntyre sitting on the desk next to him.  Moe eventually tries to snap him out of it.  Personally, I think the scene was edited better in For Crimin' Out Loud.  More emphasis on Shemp, less micromanaging from Moe.  Shemp eventually gets a good laugh out of it, if only him.  McIntyre tries to move the plot along and suggests that the three of them split up.  Just like the Ghostbusters!  They can do more damage that way.  "One of you come with me," she purrs.  Shemp volunteers himself, and Moe objects, of course.  They fight over it, but McIntyre signals to Shemp.  Shemp rules!  And Shemp rubs it in as best he can.  Moe and Larry head out of the office together.  Moe picks up the camera, and this time he hits the musclebound lug with it.  The musclebound lug falters a bit, stunned, then recovers and retreats... phooey.  Time to go to the second job.
Okay, back.  Next scene: Shemp and McIntyre (aka Goodrich's Niece... some part she's got!!  DAMN YOU, BERNDS!!!!) go into a big sittin' room all by themselves.  McIntyre says "Before we start... let's have a little drink."  Needles to say, Shemp's excited by that idea.  McIntyre makes him stand at one end of the room while she pours the drinks about 20 feet away.  Just then... the painting behind Shemp starts to lower like a castle's drawbridge!  If this were a cartoon, there'd be a cannon behind it.  The painting quickly snaps back into place and Shemp turns around... but not long enough for McIntyre to slip the sleeping pill into Shemp's drink.  Shemp just walks right over and sits down next to McIntyre... defying orders!  Oh well.  Gotta improvise sometime.  Shemp gives McIntyre the perfect lead-in by saying "Yeah, I sure injoy good pictures."  McIntyre says "Well, I'm sure you'll enjoy... that one!" and points to her right.  Shemp looks, and plop goes the Alka Seltzer!  Shemp's wise to that, though, as you can see, and plays the game right back to her.  I hate to spoil how this little game of alcohol cat and mouse turns out, but I will anyway: McIntyre's quick thinking prevails.  I think we had to learn that one in the Boy Scouts.  And so... as in most of these private detective stories, the detective either gets slugged, which Moe already did in spades, or gets ye olde Michael Finn.  In Shemp's case, both!  Rather than cut to the exact moment, I'll give Shemp a two second head start.  And then, the fireworks.  Normally, I'd say that this is the part where they have to stretch out time to 16 minutes, but so far this flick's a pretty lean piece of beef, if I do say so myself.  Anyway, Shemp and his stunt double do some flips that make that one Donald O'Connor segment in Singin' in the Rain look like a big steaming pile of... I mean, like the classic that it is.  My favourite micro-edit would have to be at 1:50 where Shemp slaps himself on the back of the neck and has to move like he's going to do the flip... what can I say?  I'm just a negative person, I guess.  Anyway, after Shemp's done doing... whatever the hell you call that, Moe and Larry come barging in and run to Shemp's aid.  Moe says "Take it easy........... kid!"  Well, they couldn't afford to get it right in a second take.  Instead, there it is, immortalized for all eternity, awkward pause and all.
Somewhere in the midst of all this chaos, McIntyre made her escape.  Moe surmises that there's a secret panel in the room.  He tells Shemp, "You take that wall!"  Shemp says "Where to?"  "GO AHEAD!" responds Moe.  Two classics in the same film; I love it.
Okay... NOW comes the part that stretches time.  Moe looks for the secret panel, tapping the wall all over, when suddenly... you know that painting that taunted Shemp earlier?  Well, as it turns out... BOOM!  ALL the paintings are like that.  It's at this point that Moe starts to act very, very much like Curly... especially this part.  Know whut I mean?  For God's sake.  It's just a good thing that they were brothers.  And so, this gets turned into a whole thing where Shemp and Larry think Moe is crazy.  I'm starting to draw a line.  I mean, wasn't Shemp just poisoned?  Is what Moe's saying really that hard to believe?  Moe tries to prove his sanity by standing under another picture while Larry pulls the lever that Moe found... twice.  Moe eventually pulls the painting off the wall, but doesn't like what he finds, and runs away screaming, taking Shemp and Larry with him in yet another case of what I like to call fear transferral.  I guess they couldn't afford to do the air compression trick with Moe's hair at that crucial moment.
Next scene: the hallway, where they start to run, but at the other end is one of the bad guys from the beginning.  Remember?  It was a while ago.  The smooth talking guy.  The Stooges duck into another room before the slowpoke can draw his gun and fire a hail of sparks.

ACT THREE

Time for Act Three, because it just feels right.  Larry, after asking "Who was that guy?", votes for fleeing the house as quickly as possible.  Moe reminds them that they have an obligation, nay, a contract to fulfill... but he ends up convincing himself that Larry's right.  "The window!" says Larry, and off they go.  Shemp sees the phone and says "Let's call the cops!"  Boy, they really are desperate now!  PICK ONE!!!  The phone's dead.  But then....... oh, no.  It's time once again for the old "What're you _____ing at?" gag.  It's got whiskas on it, for Cripes' Pete!  It's the 7 foot tall Duke of York, Hollywood stunt man royalty.  Moe eventually finds out the hard way that Nikko's been playing a mean game of arbitrage.  Not bad for a muscle-bound freak!  Moe turns around to slap somebody for getting hit so much, and hits a high note that I don't think I've heard before, or since... or lately.  Of course, when he does his Curly, he has to use the crack in his voice.
And so, Nikko's got Moe and Larry firmly grabbed by their coats.  Shemp's left with probably the only weapon a man of his age at the time has: slapping the guy on the back with both hands.  Meanwhile, the leader of the Phantom Gang is at the door, listening to the commotion within.  And back to the Stooges.  Is this the end of the Stooges as we know it?  I kinda wish it was.  Alas, Shemp goes for a backup weapon: a flower vase to the head.  This is not the way a movie hero's supposed to comport themselves, especially in this day and age.  Aren't things so much better now?  And so, with Moe and Lawrence free from Nikko's vice-like grip, the knuckleheaded trio head for the door with Ralph Dunn behind it, which is probably why the camera dwells on the door for an extra long period of time.  There seem to be a lot of small time-stretchers in this one like that.  For some reason, we hear a tremendous amount of broken glass.
Next scene: the chaos in the hall has settled.  The Stooges are in a heap in front of Ralph Dunn, who's lying on the floor on his stomach with the door on his back, and only the door is on his back.  That must be one heavy wooden door!  Ralph's trying to reach for his gun, but can't, even though it looks like it's pretty well within his reach.  He pretends like he can't reach it until Moe kicks it away.  The Stooges don't confiscate the bad guy's gun, because a movie hero doesn't do that... but wouldn't they?  I guess not.  The Stooges are known for wanton random acts of violence, but they're not NRA members, for God's sake!
The three split up again, running in different directions.  Isn't that what got 'em into trouble in the first place?  Shemp steps on the door on his way out.  Next scene: we see Moe hobbling down the hall.  He's getting too old for this shi.... this shtick.  Exhibit A: he stops to catch his breath.  Good Lord!  Is he having a heart attack?  As it happens, Larry was a few seconds behind Moe, and they of course meet up at the corner of Hallway and Hallway.  You'll never guess what happens next!..... That's absolutely correct!  They get scared and run away!  But we follow Larry this time, who does have a bit of extra brain lying around after all.  He stops and realizes what he saw, and starts trying to call Moe.  But just then... BOOM!  There's Nikko again!  Larry spies the shadow of Nikko's hand, poised for the clutching.  Larry is hypnotized and can't help but look behind himself.  He tries to run at the last possible second, but it's too late.  Nikko's strong arms have wrapped themselves around Larry's neck, and Larry can barely get an intelligible word out of his constricted throat.  Fortunately, Nikko's strangling takes a long time to kill a man, and Moe has returned, calling for Larry, having made the same realization a little bit later on about what he saw a little while earlier.  Nikko relinquishes Larry, who runs away of course, and doesn't even consider that Moe might be in trouble next.  Every man for himself, indeed.  Nikko heads over to where Moe is... hmm!  Where have I seen that haircut before?  Sorry... SPOILER ALERT.  Where Larry saw the shadow of Nikko's hand, Moe sees the top of Nikko's head.  Usually when Moe grabs Larry's hair, it's in anger, but this time it's with joy of the thing lost and found again.  That is, until he realizes it's not Larry at all, but the evil impostor.  Now it's Moe's turn to get strangled... that is, until he bites Nikko's hand.  Nikko screams.  Nikko's hand sounds just like an apple! Weird!
And so, Moe runs back up the hall, with Nikko hot on his trail.  Dayamn, but that Nikko can run!  Now, this transition to the next scene's a little confusing, because now it's Shemp running away from the camera.  Moe runs towards it, past Shemp, with Nikko in tow.  If you're at all like me (scary thought, I know), you'll have to watch that part a couple of times.  Shemp says to Nikko, "He got away from you, didn't he?" and laughs.  DAMN YOU, MR. NOISY!!!!!  Now it's Shemp's turn to get chased.  Shemp runs past Larry and... now it's Larry's turn to get chased!  I already saw ahead, so I know it's time to set up the old Barricaded Door sketch... another comedy structure that the Stooges overly relied on.  And since I'm pressed for time, I'm not even going to bother with the play by play on this one... okay, I changed my mind.  Nikko gives up trying to fight with Larry over the door and runs off.  Larry keeps piling up furniture.  Then, Moe shows up, and pushes his way in, but Larry's ready to hit him over the head with ... you know, one of those ash shovels for an old-fashioned wood stove.  You know, the kind that Johnny Casper used to beat The Dane half to death with in Miller's Crossing!  Larry smites Moe upon his head, then tries to apologize for it.  I'm assuming this wasn't in the script; Moe says "You've been around me many years.  Don't you know what I look like?!"  That may be worth the price of admission right there.  Does that not belong in a popular YouTube Stooge mashup?  So many priceless moments, all shoved into one video turducken.  That's what I want!  I feel I deserve it... Anyway, Nikko comes in through the other door to torment Moe and Larry some more.  This could go on for years!  Or 1952, which ever comes first.  Nikko gets to work right away, and marches over to Moe and Larry and grabs some heads in his giant hands.
Next scene: Shemp comes running up from down the hall and stops like a talented ballerina when he hears the familiar cries of his bosom chums in pain.  He sees Nikko beating the heads of Moe and Larry together like cymbals.  He brushes past Larry's now defunct barricade, grabs the stove shovel and starts wailing on Nikko's head.  I tell ya darling, it's a veritable Concussion Cornucopia. (c) 1960 Norman Maurer.  Shemp gives the guy a smack in the face just for good measure, and... DOWN GOES NIKKO!  And he takes a chair with him, too.  "I guess that's the end of Handsome Harold!" says Shemp.  Shemp boasting off the port bow!  Moe and Larry look at each other in puzzlement as Shemp goes into full-on Shipping News-style raconteur mode.  Ironic somehow, seeing as how there's a story opening up right behind him.  Why, it's the ghost of Emil Sitka!  I mean, the corpse!  There's life in it yet, though... or at the very least, stored potential energy, as Sitka leans up against Shemp.  No noise, though, so it's a little confusing.  The second time it happens, there's a familiar noise.  I'm probably the only one, but I'm reminded of this here scene.
Wow!  Moe and Larry must've really not been paying attention to Shemp, because Shemp has to tell them that HE JUST TURNED AROUND AND SAW THE DEAD CORPSE OF EMIL SITKA.  Am I wrong?  And then... the body falls.  I'm sorry, this is the right scene.  The Stooges run out into the hall, only to find the guy with the gun again.  They run back into the room.  The guy gets off a shot at the last possible second.  What a goof.
Next scene: they're back in the room, and repair the barricade, when suddenly... Shemp sees that Old Man Sitka... is actually ALIVE!  Hallelujah!  A bit too much zombie makeup on, but alive ne'theless.  Sitka lays out the scenario for the Stooges.  This part was cut out of Crimin' Out Loud: Sitka tells them that, as a lover of fine music, the Phantom Gang tortured him by tying him up and forcing him to listen to singing commercials!  Some things never change.  The Stooges wince collectively at the thought.  And yet... it's the Layer of Retro that our modern society now depends badly upon.  Go figure.
Nikko comes to and opens the floodgates to let the Phantom Gang in.  A big fight immediately breaks out.  Shemp the Shoveler grabs his trusty shovel and hits two of the bad guys on the head.  Nikko the Pounder pounds Moe and Shemp on the head with his giant fists.  The Phantom Gang leader quickly recovers and holds a gun on the good guys.  Sitka outwits the bad guys this time by cutting the lights.  Bolts of lightning from the guns light up the room in brief flashes... dayamn!  I'm a poet and I didn't know it!  The creepy butler lights a match, and gets a faceful of shovel.  Everyone seems to have matches at this point.  Larry's got to be the highlight of this particular part.

EPILOGUE

Sitka turns the light back on.  Apparently, only he knew where the secret switch was.  We never did see McIntyre get hit, but she's passed out on a chair.  Maybe she drank too much.  Say what you will about the Stooges: they didn't believe in violence against women... well, American women, anyway.  Mexican women, that's another story.  The Stooges are on the floor, softly punching each other, in an arrangement that would've made M.C. Escher himself jealous.  Sitka has to help them up now!  Nevertheless, Sitka's impressed with the way the Stooges beat up the bad guys.  He says to Shemp, "Tell me, how did you do it?"  Gee, I wonder what's going to happen.................................................

****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Still axing after all these years

Welp, according to Wikipedia, we're damn close to the 80th anniversary of the release of Axe Me Another.  That's what I get for not timing these things better.  But let's review it now anyway.  I fixated on this one because 1) it's awesome, and 2) it's on the first DVD of Volume One, and I guess I haven't strayed too far from the first DVD out of laziness, unless I need to see the two-reel color spectaculars.  And even though Axe Me Another doesn't feature any of the patented Fleischer 3D backgrounds, it's still got a few labor-intensive 3D effects to it.

ACT ONE

We see Popeye in his.... oh, brother... his workshop on the water.  I'm NOT going to call it a "man-cave," by God!  Anyway, he's hammering away on a rowboat, and he's got a mouthful of nails, about 13 to be exact, and spits them out as he sings his usual opening theme.  When suddenly... we hear Olive Oyl cry for help.  Popeye runs out to the edge of his dock, takes out a flimsy telescope and looks out on the water.  He sees Olive Oyl struggling to maintain her balance on a floating log.  Popeye runs back into his shop on the water to finish the boat.  He lifts it up to find it has no bottom.  When was the last time you saw a subtle gag like this in a cartoon?  Probably not a new one on Cartoon Network.  Do they even show cartoons anymore?  Anyway, Popeye knows he needs to rush, so he quickly paints some gooey-looking glue on the bottom of his boat, and uses the floor of his shop as the boat's bottom, quickly sawing an outline in the floor. I'll let the mask-taped-glasses set debate over that one, but I'll get the debate started... It is highly dubious to use any floor as the bottom of a boat.  And now, there's the small matter of getting to boat out of the shop. Tis pity it's too big for the door.  We see Olive fall into the water off the log.  Back to Popeye who's in head-scratching mode now.  "Wotsa matta with this thing?" he mumbles to himself.  Olive screams for help again, and Popeye decides that that's it.  He grabs a mallet and levels his shop to the ground to liberate the boat, and go save Olive.  That still brings tears to my eyes, for some reason.  Kinda clears my sinuses, too!  I'm going to watch this clip every night from now on.
Popeye takes to the water and, wit one flick of his oars, the rowboat becomes a power boat.   The band plays an instrumental version of Popeye's original theme song from the very first couple of cartoons.  He gets over to Olive who's passed out, but she managed to drape herself over a log.  "It's Olive Oyl!" exclaims Popeye.  Again, the mask-tape-glasses crowd can stew over that one as well.  Popeye pumps Olive Oyl's stomach by using her leg like a derrick or something, and out comes about a half gallon of water.  "What happened?" asks Popeye in time with the background music.  Olive informs Popeye that Pierre Bluto threw her into the water because he didn't want to try her spinach.  That does it.  Popeye's pipe spins, but it doesn't make the noise we're accustomed to; here, for instance.  Popeye declares "Anyone who doesn't like spinach is my EMENY!!!"  The background courses by violently.

ACT TWO

And so, their honor at stake, and frankly because they have nothing better to do, Popeye rows his boat up the side of the hill up to Pierre Bluto's worksite.  Pierre Bluto grabs Olive out of the boat with his whip.  How rude!  (Pierre) Bluto grabs Olive in his big burly arm and bellows out to her "SO YA COME BACK TO PIERRE!  YES?  NO?"  That's how you know he's French.  "NO!" screams Olive.  Popeye says "All right, break it up" and shoves Olive out of the picture by her face.  How rude!  Popeye then plays a subtle hat game with (Pierre) Bluto, which I've never seen done in real life.  Maybe some idiot's got a YouTube video of that on the YouTube, of live action people trying to do that with a hat.  Pierre is insulted, and says so, and Popeye rubs more salt into the wound by giving Pierre a face full of pipe smoke.  Popeye fancily steps over to a sign on a tree that reads "PIERRE BLUTO - CHAMPION LUMBERJACK - CHALLENGES ALL COMERS," but Popeye reads it as "takes on all comers."
Now comes the usual pissing match.  As much as I hate to side with (Pierre) Bluto on this one, Popeye's just the Johnny Come Lately on this one.  Of course Popeye's going to beat Bluto at everything, because Bluto's in this lumber racket for the long haul, and he's learned to parcel out his energy over a 30-year span with a comfortable retirement at the end.  Popeye's only there for one day like some kind of non-union scab!  I'd like to see him punch trees for 30 years.  He wouldn't last two weeks!
But seeing as how this takes up most of the cartoon, let's dive into all the messy details.  Popeye tells (Pierre) Bluto, "I'll do anything that you do!"  Pierre Bluto had his chest puffed up, but it turns to a pot belly, and the music begins.  Love that tuba.  And it's time once again for the competing feats of strength.  First feat: the ax throw.  Bluto throws his ax, and buries it high up in a tree.  But before the ax lands, it seems to be held by some invisible force that makes sure it will land solidly in the tree, and not just glance off and fall to the ground.  Perhaps Bluto could learn to master the Jedi stuff like Popeye seems to have!
For those of you who hate musicals, this is the musical portion of the cartoon.  Popeye takes his ax in his mouth and hurls it at another tree.  Popeye's smaller ax flies past Bluto's ax, lands in a different tree, but splits that tree completely in half!  Pierre Bluto is shocked.  "I'll do anything that you do!" sings Popeye.  You know, this reminds me of that one Seinfeld episode where they were selling computers, and the one guy wasn't actually moving any units; he just liked ringing the bell.  The point being, Popeye's just rubbing it in now.  Popeye's fairly decent at the psychological torture.
Next feat: the climbing of trees, and pruning them from the top down.  I hate to critique the Fleischer's craftsmanship, but it's there for the whole world to see, so I have to point it out.  During the long shot of Popeye's tree climb, look in the lower right hand corner, where a tree stump will suddenly appear out of nowhere.  Sloppy work, guys.  Sloppy work.  Not to mention that the trees that Pierre Bluto and Popeye climb are kinda weird looking.  They look more like octopus tentacles than trees, and when they start the pruning, that comparison will only grow more apt.  Bluto clearly loses this feat, as he has a lot less branches to clear, and he does it at a slower tempo than the song.  Popeye clears all his branches in tempo with the music, and beats Pierre Bluto to the ground.  But again, I defer to my argument from earlier: Popeye's just here one day, while Pierre's in it for the long haul: 30 years, paying into Social Security, what have you.  From afar we hear Popeye sing "I'll do anything that you do!"  Reminds me of the story that Chuck Jones told about one day when he was working with the sound mixer on a Wile E. Coyote cartoon... ah, skip it.
Next feat of strength: Pierre Bluto quickly chops down the tree he just pruned.  He cuts two wedges out of the trunk, then pushes the tree over.  Popeye punches his tree into a series of clean-cut logs of equal length.  Another little something for the masking-taped-glasses set to get all Professor Frink-y about.  But I do like the music just before Popeye gets started.  Well, I'm a sucker for the fun stuff, what can I say?
Did I mention that Popeye hasn't even eaten the spinach yet?
Next feat: like that Scottish log tossing game, Bluto picks up three rather big logs and heaves them over towards the long wooden ramp that will carry them to the river.  Believe it or not, no matter how much the creators of The Simpsons try to deny it, Popeye is an unlikely proponent of working smarter, not harder!  Popeye pulls a tree from the ground by its roots and uses it as a giant baseball bat to knock his group of logs directly onto the wooden ramp, and down to the river they go.  The tears are starting to flow again.
Now, you'd think that Pierre Bluto would be thankful for all the free labor that Popeye's given him, but there's more at stake than a day's work.  It's the love of Olive Oyl now.  She comes over and swoons over Popeye and his moment of triumph.  Realizing that he'll never win against Popeye playing by the rules, Pierre Bluto hits Popeye in the back and sends him skidding down the giant wooden ramp, and for good measure, Pierre Bluto sends a log down after Popeye.  Perfect time for an Act Break, I think.

ACT THREE

You often hear about those emergency situations where a person's able to lift a car to save someone's life.  Scrawny Olive Oyl experiences a similar feeling when she picks up a log and hits Pierre Bluto in the back of the head with it, saying "How do you like that, eh?" in a French accent.  You know, just to rub it in a little more.  But screenwriters take note: it's all part of the larger plot, I'm afraid; the flimsiest of excuses to make sure that Bluto and Popeye get into their usual epic fist fight.  Popeye's happily sliding down the wooden ramp on his ass until a passed out Bluto on a log catches up to him.  Pierre Bluto comes to and starts punching Popeye so hard that Popeye does back flips, but lands on his feet nevertheless.  Pierre Bluto's more used to fighting on logs than Popeye, so he's got the advantage for now.  The music from about 5:22 to about 5:43 takes the proper somber, dramatic turn.
The fighting duo land in the river and on separate logs.  Pierre Bluto knocks Popeye into the water and starts to lose his balance.  Popeye emerges from the water, and climbs onto his log, and Pierre Bluto knocks him back into the water.  This second blow is significant, and sends Popeye to the bottom of this very, very deep river, gargling all the way.  He sounds like Wimpy when he gargles!  It's spinach time, no doubt about that.  Popeye doesn't usually engulf a wad of spinach while underwater, so this will have to be a first.
I can actually review this film in my sleep, and seeing as how finals are coming up, I better.  Let's finish this puppy uppy!  And so, like Superman flying up into the air, Popeye flies up through the water to the surface.  That's a very, very deep river!  Let's just hope Popeye doesn't get a bad case of "the bends" or an underwater "brain freeze."  Okay, this I had to watch again: Popeye leaps out of the water and lands on a log.  He doesn't hit Bluto on the way out of the water; a true celluloid hero would never do that.  But he does give Pierre Bluto a good wallop, sending him to the next log down.  Pierre Bluto tries creeping up on Popeye, but Popeye steps down on the log and hits Pierre Bluto in the chin, sending him flying back to the end of the adjacent log.  I smell an infinite loop coming up!  Bluto only gets hit in the chin three times, though.  Any more than that would just be boring and/or cruel.  Popeye then sends Pierre Bluto flying out of this scene with a punch.
Next scene: some labor-intensive 3D-esque animation.  We're floating down the river and Pierre Bluto comes flying out of the distance, and lands standing up on two logs.  The trees going by look a little better than that infinite suburb from a few Popeye shorts ago.  GET OUTTA ME WAY, YA GREAT BIG PALOOKA!  Ah, good times.  So, Pierre Bluto's got two feet on different logs, and they start to drift farther and farther apart, until he falls into the water.  The force of his falling in is so great that the logs get sucked back towards each other, and Pierre Bluto gets knocked in the head.  He doesn't pass out, though.  Why, he's feeling so good, he climbs right back up and does it a second time!  So, it impaired his judgment slightly.  Fortunately for us, we only go through this animation loop twice.  Bluto learns his lesson, picks up a log right out of the water and starts log leaping right back over to Popeye.  Dayamn, did Pierre Bluto eat some spinach of his own?  Or is he all adrenaline'd up?  A little of both, maybe.  Pierre Bluto makes it over to Popeye and is prepared to mash him with this giant log, but Popeye beats him to the punch, so to speak.  Popeye punches Pierre Bluto's log, then Pierre.  Time for another construction, and look!  Why, there's a handy log raft to hold it, too!  Popeye's punch to the log creates a fancy high chair big enough for Pierre Bluto to sit in.  It's even got four wheels on it.  Ikea couldn't have done any better.  Pierre Bluto lands in the chair and gets locked in by one of those planks that holds the baby's plate in place and, like a baby, Pierre Bluto starts sobbing openly.  As for me, the tears are flowing again.

EPILOGUE

Olive runs up with another giant bowl of spinach, and she and Popeye stuff Pierre Bluto's mouth with the stuff as he cries.  Popeye sings his usual theme.  Another one of the greats as far as I'm concerned.

****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Shirikiana Aina

There's a she-wolf in the closet and... no, wait, wrong one.  Well, they're still more prolific than I am, film wise!  Let's get this plane off the ground, people.

Boy, David Mamet was right... Things Change!

(before Sunday) Well, I don't know who's going to be #1 this week, but I think I know which one Disney's hoping will do well!  Sam Raimi's Oz The Great and Powerful... well, if it doesn't do well, then L. Frank Baum's estate will take the blame, and it will be called L. Frank Baum's Oz The Great and Powerful.  But I know it's not your fault, Sam, because you wanted more terror and Disney wanted less.  Ain't working for Disney a bitch?

(Sunday) I'm reminded of the shift in publicity that Hell's Angels got when it was released to great triumph in The Aviator.  Scorsese's 2004 biopic about Howard Hughes, that is.  I know, I know, The Dictator pooh-poohed it on SNL, but he couldn't pick Gangs of New York because it's so awesomely violent, and he couldn't pick The Departed because if you badmouth that movie, two Boston mafias will come after you.  But Disney picked the right director to helm another potential trilogy.  I mean, did you see the box office totals of the first Spider Man trilogy?  The populist touch!  But Sam Raimi does arguably have trouble by the time we get to the third installment.  He gets too experimental, and in a bad way.  But still, you gotta have respect for a director who can go from the R-rated Evil Dead series to a PG-rated blockbuster.  Don't worry, Kevin Smith will never be able to do that.  And Jersey Girl doesn't count, as it's a hard PG-13.
Oh, right.  The other debut this week: we've gone from Dead Man Walking to Dead Man Down.  For that movie-going demographic stuck in permanent adolescence, this apparently didn't pass the smell test.  Sure, it's got car crashes and guns going off, but it's probably got a bunch of that icky stuff called character and plot development.  I mean, they said in the ads it's from the original Girl with the Dragon Tattoo director, so that can't be good, right?

Sheesh! No wonder we lost the Cold War!

Boy, I must really not want to do my homework.  As one of my living companions recently told me, I need to let Gymkata go.  After all, bashing the movie Gymkata is probably as big of a sport on the internet as gymkata itself isn't.  Doctoral dissertations could be written about its transcendent awfulness.  Still, like the tall trees in the forest, I can't help but wonder if it's not crowding out other, equally bad movies that deserve a crack at the sunlight.  Maybe there's some other '80s MGM offering that is just as bad that's now owned by those swarthy Warner brothers.  Louis B. Mayer must be spinning in his grave.  MGM's the anti-Disney: a movie studio of grandiosity and opulence that, unlike Disney, who's making all the right business moves, at some point MGM began making bad move after disastrously bad move, dying the death of a thousand cuts, yet still firmly believing a good bleeding is just what the doctor ordered.  Yeah, 200 years ago!
So while I have neither the time nor the academic interest or energy to provide a thorough examination of the transcendent awfulness that is Gymkata, I'll just hit a few of the high points, and include a few lessons learned, and then move on.  First of all, Gymkata taught me that there are a lot of movies that have machine guns in them, but the bad ones just show the gun by itself.  Take the scene, for example, where Jonathan Cabot and the girl are running through the labyrinthine back alleys of... let's say, Yugoslavia.  A dude fires his machine gun at the two, but misses, fortunately.  Or unfortunately, depending on your point of view.  John Carpenter's They Live is another example of this.  This framing technique may work in a war pic, but only if used sparingly.  Not to mention the phallic quality of it all, of course.
(I would like to mention that this scene contains one of my favorite parts.  Watch how this guy with a machine gun who looks like Jim Belushi takes off running after dodging the blue cop car!  Nobody ever sets out to make a bad movie, indeed!  So much effort...)
Second, all those years of Windows 95 are paying off in spades.  Imagine!  A desktop computer serving as some sort of novelty toy, making noises with each submenu popping up.  What would the bridge club say?  Fortunately, the world's computer-using population has matured since then, but has scarred me irreparably for life, and I can now pick out the smallest blip of sound with the greatest of ease.  And this thud of a falling body caught my ear one lonely night... as some of you regular readers of my blog know, and there are at most ten of you, I'm currently reviewing Stooge shorts in my own little bid for Julie Powell-esque glory.  And so, here's the sound effect from Dutiful but Dumb.  Here's the sound effect in They Stooge to Conga (it's a little muffled).  Here's the sound effect used in Cactus Makes Perfect.  And here's the sound effect from Higher than a Kite.  I rest my case.  And!! And if that wasn't enough, they use it at least a second time in Gymkata itself!!!
Okay, so it's not the Wilhelm Scream.
As for the game itself and the fictional country of Parmistan, the lynchpin of the real Cold War, let me just stoop to say that even the thirdest of third world countries have some rules to their games.  In Parmistan, known for their exports of Parmistan cheese and their vast population of crazy, toothless people, the object of their game is to run an obstacle course.  And at any point along the way, usually when you're crossing a chasm on a rope... you can be shot with an arrow.  Bad sportsmanship.  The kind of bad sportsmanship that might make a person not want to watch the movie that's depicting it.  But I don't want to give the idea that my level of emotional investment in this is that deep.
I will give the film some kudos, however.  The musical score's rather average, but the dude gets one fight scene right.  And to all the Lee Strasberg-types out there who say that gymnast Kurt Thomas can't act, I submit the following scene.  The dude with the awesome man-cleavage, who looks like he's on the handsome side of the Tom Green bloodline, hurls his two knives at the space to the right of Thomas's head and... wham!  He doesn't even blink!  He doesn't even flinch!!!  Take THAT, Betty White!  I don't care if it was camera trickery.  It's worth something in my book.  And having flirted with the sport of gymnastics for about two weeks in my childhood, I have grown to appreciate physical prowess of most any stripe.  Kurt Thomas may lack comedic chops, but the guy knows how to do some flips.
And of course, the big fight scene at the end.  It seems like it was yesterday when I first saw that part of Gymkata on cable, our hero flailing away at the pommel horse-shaped centerpiece of the town square, baddies bouncing off his swinging feet with resounding "THWACK!" noises.  And for some reason, I still think that the whole scene is filmed at that one angle, even though it clearly is not.  Ah, the days before Troll 2 existed.
In summation, as much as I hate to cut this review short, I have to.  While the omniscient, omnipresent Leonard Maltin guide tries to brush Gymkata aside as a "silly martial-arts potboiler" and "amateurish stuff," giving it a BOMB rating (one star), they sort of miss the point.  The point is, even though it's based on a novel called "The Terrible Game," this so-called "terrible" movie helped win the Cold War!  As the end title card tells us, "In 1985 The First Early Warning Earth Station Was Placed In Parmistan For The U.S. Star Wars   Defense Program."  (The all-caps is not mine, that's the way it is in the movie)  Gymkata is all in one: a love story, an adventure story, and there's even some father-son redemption, even if the son doesn't help the father get that one last arrow out of his back.  Also, Gymkata is not the story of a movie star run amok with his own power; say, like Dan Aykroyd with Nothing but Trouble.  YouTube features many scenes from that sorry sack, but someone may post the whole thing eventually, perhaps a YouTube user named "TheRealDannyAykroyd" or something.
Also, there may come a day when a good dramatic movie about gymnastics is made, but after Gymkata and American Anthem, Hollywood seemed to stop trying.  Really stop trying... okay, I haven't checked this whole list.  Maybe someone else can for me.  One final toast to MGM, the now defunct studio that once brought us Gymkata and Death Wish II!  And a bunch of other stuff that's clearly not as good.

**
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan