Auteur Watch - Tim Alexander

Tim Alexander... are you serious? 
You're really going to do this? 
Are you telling me that you're really going to go into Madea's back yard and try to steal something like a common thief?  This is actually happening?
Man!  I never use carriage returns like this!  Anyway, if you take a look at this guy's IMDb page, you'll see what I mean.  Well, first of all, he's copycatting all over Tyler Perry's first feature already.  For all intents and purposes, I'm assuming it's 2005's entry, Diary of a Mad Black Woman.  Tim's first feature in 2008 is called Diary of a Tired Black Man.  Okay.  Deep breath.  We'll let the first time go.  After all, accidents will happen.  Besides!  As you can tell from DoaTBM's poster, it says "Now it's Black Men's Turn to Exhale."  I think that should be spelled Black Mens', but never mind.  The point is, it's Tim Alexander's answer to 1995's sleeper hit, Waiting to Exhale, not necessarily a blatant riding of Tyler's coat tails. 
Now, Alexander obviously doesn't have the resources that Mr. Perry has, so it takes him three years to crank out a film instead of six months.  And so, in 2011 we get Tim Alexander's A Mother's Love.  See what I mean?  HOLD THE PHONE RIGHT THERE.... we're REALLY going to do this?  Next thing you know, he'll try calling it "a Tim Alexander joint."  You don't even wanna go there, girlfriend!  And so, the shot has been fired off the port bow.  From now on, every Johnny Come Lately's going to slap his name in front of their movie title, and start peddling Johnny Come Lately's Hanging With My Friends and the 1080 HD Camera We Bought from Costco Last Week to the multiplexes.  Put your foot down, Madea!  Now, while you still can.  And besides!  Did you see A Mother's Love's IMDb page?  It has co-writers!  Carolyn AND Tim Alexander!  So what's Carolyn?  Chopped liver?  Show a little credit, for god's sake!  Carolyn might be a mother someday!  So Tyler Perry's busting his ass to write and direct a movie every six months, and this Tim Alexander joker comes along with one movie every three years, CO-WRITTEN with someone else.  I look forward to your next production called My Big Fat Madea Lawsuit.  And believe you me, it will not be one of Oprah's Favourite Things.  You thought she raked James Frey over the coals?  You ain't seen nuthin' yet.

Prometheus 1.5

Seriously, though, do you have to be friends with everyone you went to high school with forever and ever and ever?  I probably should've acted differently if I knew that this was going to happen.  Anyway, Tom Cruise's latest blows the competition away, as usual... then again, how much did it make?... mmm, not bad!  Beat the second place movie two to one.  Oblivion apparently only cost $120 million to make, so it'll just take all summer to recoup its catering costs.  Anyway, that's all the debuts this week, so on to the next one!

Six months in a leaky boat

Okay, better just get this over with now, as I wait for my Candy Crush Saga life abscess to refill anew.  I was going to title this "We Sold a Zoo," but decided to go with the Split Enz reference instead... oh, right.  SPOILER ALERT.
My viewing companion just said that he thinks that Spielberg really liked this movie.  I should've added that Robert Zemeckis probably really liked it too.  After all, it seems to be a little bit Forrest Gump, and a whole lot of Cast Away.  I'll try not to spoil the reason for the movie's title, Life of Pi, as I want you to suffer as I have suffered, but suffice it to say that this is the story of a man's life.  We get the broad strokes of his life at the beginning: the man's a genius, a college professor, born in India, and he's worthy enough and interesting enough to be tracked down by a white novelist guy.  Another spoiler of a sort: apparently, the protagonist of our story was born in Pondicherry, which is where M. Night Shyamalan is from!  Is this not where the finest Hollywood writing now comes from?  At the very least, are we in for a twist ending?  We just might be!
And so, the white guy walks around with the Indian guy for a while, fading into and out of the picture with alarming frequency.  There will be green screens, my friend.  Reminds me of The Dock Brief.  I can't be the only one, can I?  When suddenly... the Indian guy says "I will tell you how I came to believe in God."  Or meet God, one of the two.  Which is kind of a cop out to me, because the Indian dude said he met Christ when, on a dare, he went into a church to drink the holy water within.  He also tried Islam for a bit, and Hinduism, of course.  So the Indian guy met at least three gods.  Also, his family owned a zoo.
Alas, the economics of the Garden of Eden aren't sustainable, so the family had to sell off the zoo animals to markets in Canada and the United States.  Time to go on a boat trip, where they run afoul of Chef Gerard Depardieu.  It's unclear when all of this took place, but it seems that it's supposed to be present day when the Indian dude's telling the story, and he looks like he's in his mid-40s or so... fifty!  I was being too generous!  He kinda looks like Javier Bardem, don't he?  The point is, even though this seems to have taken place in the 1970s, there's no disco music, or an afro-wig in sight.  I feel strangely cheated.
Then, one fateful night, during a lightning storm, the young Indian dude goes out on deck to watch the storm.  He slips around on deck, doesn't shut the door behind him, and works his way towards the other side of the ship, where he sees a truly horrifying sight.  The waves of the ocean are overwhelming the ship!  The ship starts to sink.  He runs back to warn the rest of his family, but they're already submerged.  Long story short, he ends up in a lifeboat, but here's the twist: there are only animals in the boat.
Anyway, as you know from the commercials, it ends up with just a tiger and the kid in the boat.  I won't spoil it any more than I already have, but I will say that their adventure together is very heartfelt and full of wonderful imagery, despite it being on digital video.  I swear, one of these days I will let the waterworks flow more openly, and not just during the opening credits sequence of Life of Brian.  One of these days.
The kid eventually does make it to land, in a plot development that even David Quammen would like.  The kid finds an island that's inhabited by a bunch of meerkats.  Needles to say, the kid and the tiger could've shown them a little more respect.
The kid eventually ends up in Mexico, and is paid a semi-unpleasant visit while in hospital.  Hospital?  Boy!  This is a period piece!  Two representatives of the Japanese ship company want to know if the kid's story is really true!  Did he really spend all that time at sea with a tiger?  They don't believe it.  SPOILER ALERT: And so, like any good member of Hollywood pitching a story to the cold, unfeeling studio executives, he tells them a second tale.  Basically the same tale, but the animals are now people who survived the ship.  I learned this from my college education that it's either a metaphor or an isomorph.  Probably leaning more towards an isomorph.
So, did this moving experience change my faith?  Well, I'm not that good of an atheist, and I'm not terribly affiliated with any religion at the moment, but I will say that at times, God can be one mean, vicious bastard, and if he puts one of his believers through an ordeal like the one in Life of Pi, well, I can't help but respect that a little bit.

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
p.s. - Has James Schamus himself jumped ship?  Let's hope not!

We could've had it all...............

I can't afford to do a contest, but see if you can guess what I'm going to change the title to anyway.  Hint: it has to do with Adele and her Grammy-award winning song!

ACT ONE

Which is a shame, because if this is the one I think it is, my backup title would be "Still giving that fillum after 63 years."  Anyway, fade in on a radio, where Moe's doing an impression of Walter Winchell, I assume.  Wikipedia doesn't have everything after all!  We see a swarthy-looking type with three watermelons.  The radio tells about missing documents, and the dude turns off the broadcast when it starts turning into Morse code.  The guy takes a handful of notarized documents and burns them in the stove, then goes back over to the watermelons.  Then, for the benefit of the audience, he unrolls a roll of "fillum" for all to see.  He says "With these fillum I have record the secret of those documents for my country!"  Yes, it's time for the Stooges to fight the Cold War and do their variation on the infamous Pumpkin Papers.  What an age that was.  And while the Stooges may not have known everything about the Pumpkin Papers specifically, or the Cold War in general, they did know a few things about making a comedy that would stand the test of time.  Three things: 1) funny haircuts, 2) watermelons are funnier than pumpkins and 3) it is very important to not get too specific when it comes to geography.  Sure, the guy's obviously a Russian spy, but in this "fillum," he's a spy for a fictional country.  Funnier that way, and even Joe McCarthy himself might have gotten a laugh or two out of the setup.
The spy in question, Mr. "Borscht" is played by Gene Roth, and this seems to be his first Stooge film.  I know, I should know that without having to look it up, and yet, here we are.  This is the first, and there's seven more collaborations with the Stooges to go yet.
Anyway, the foreign agent rolls the fillum back up and proceeds to stuff it into the watermelons.  Looks like they blow up the frame at exactly 0:57, or maybe it's just a second take, but with the camera a little bit closer.  Either way, this is important stuff for the audience to absorb.  Cross-fade to the packing of the melons having finished, when suddenly... there's a knock on the door!  The foreign agent reaches for a piece and heads for the door.  "Who's there?" he bellows.  It's just the Stooges, so there's no need to plug them through the door.  Borscht opens the door, and the three idiots just waltz right in, acting like adult chidren... and kinda dressed like adult chidren as well!  What gives?  Why are they dressed like that?  "Well, what are you dressed like this?" asks Borscht.  Larry informs Borscht that they got a new job passing out handbills for ... wait for it... Old Holland cheese.  To the Comedy Name Generator!  This ought to eat up a few seconds.  Not as many as a comedy map, but you can't have it all sometimes, even though you could've.  Anyway, they promise to bring the guy a sample of the cheese they're pedaling.  This leads to the foreign agent commandeering the whole Stooge film out from under them with his life story.  Why do the Stooges do this to themselves?  Borscht informs the Stooges that his visa has expired and he has to leave the country.  Maybe they could help him with his luggage and carry the watermelons to the ship!  How perfect is that?  The Trojan horse just keeps getting smaller and smaller in the Age of Information.
But first, a celebratory drink.  Damn Russians!  The guy lines up four tiny glasses and fills them in a manner similar to a Stooge bartender.  He spills a little bit onto the table proper, and the table starts smoldering, much like the plume of gray smoke in all those high-falutin' CGI Jack Daniels ads currently being shown on hi-def TVs in gyms all across this great land of ours.  Moe and Larry look at the smoke and get concerned.  Not Shemp, though.  Shemp's been through hell and back.  Every step of that journey's been etched onto his Keith Richards-style face, and he'll really be damned if he's not going to drink to that!
On second thought, Shemp might be regretting the decision.  His tie starts spinning round and round, making the sound of the propeller of a giant WWII plane.  I thought of the beginning of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, probably because I've seen it recently.  Shemp releases a plume of smoke and the sound it makes is that of a giant WWII plane starting up.  Lol.  He makes his trademark "eep-eep-eep" noise.  Quick cut to Moe and Larry; all they can do at this point is look on with fear, concern and sympathy.  Next, Shemp's hat starts to leave the bonds of gravity.  Same "eep-eep-eep" sound.  Without saying a word, Moe and Larry agree to throw their drinks nonchalantly behind them on the wall.  The wallpaper gets soaked with Borscht's drink, and soon after the wallpaper curls up like a curtain.  MASSIVE DOUBLE TAKE.  That's comedy, in case you didn't know what it looked like.
Next scene: Borscht's ship proper... or, at least, stock footage of it.  Next scene after that: Pier 7, Berth C.  A bunch of crates are stacked up, no more than four high.  Note the centrally located crate of highly explosive dynamite caps.  Did Michael Bay direct this or what?  The Stooges emerge from Stage Left, each carrying a watermelon.  Shemp has to rest his tired feet, so he sits on the box of dynamite caps, caressing his foot.  Larry follows suit soon after.  Moe, meanwhile, starts to take a nap while simultaneously batting flies away in his half-conscious state.... oh no.  They're not going to... YES THEY ARE.  The sound of clucking chickens starts up... As it happens, Moe once again finds himself sitting underneath some egg-laying chickens.  This time, they're in a crate; well, at least they have more space than most of today's chickens.  Recall, if you will, the similar scene from G.I. Wanna Home.  Time for credit where credit's due: I'm very familiar with this particular one because it's a family favourite, one of our go-to Stooge shorts whenever we crack out the ol' Stooge DVDs, what few we have of those.  How antequated!  How quaint, and any other words containing a 'q'.  This time, however, Moe has no one to blame but himself and, like a fool, he has to reach for his kerchief to get the egg off his face.  FOOL!  FOOL!!!!!!!
Speaking of fools, Shemp asks Larry, "Want a brazil nut?"  Larry accepts, of course.  Now, I think this is the first time one Stooge offered another Stooge a brazil nut, and it may be the last... phooey.  Well, YouTube, as it turns out, doesn't have everything.  I was hoping someone posted a copy of Chuck Jones' iconic, epic, game-changing classic 1953 cartoon, Much Ado About Nutting, in which a squirrel finds himself in nut heaven, and he tries to crack open a coconut.  Oh well.  No nerds talking about it, either?  Gosh!  That's surprising.  Anyway, in case you haven't already figured it out yet, those highly explosive dynamite caps aren't going to blow themselves up, so that's where the brazil nuts come in.  I will take a second to point out that Larry and Shemp have their finest hats on, like they did when they would pose for publicity stills.  Classy stuff.  Anyway, Larry gets to work trying to bite his way through the brazil nut to the sweet, nuggy interior.  Shemp tries it this way as well, but clearly he doesn't have the same showmanship about it as Lawrence does.
The struggle between Stooge and brazil nut continues.  There's a slight frame blow-up at about 3:54 to signal a change in strategy.  Shemp finds a piece of pipe to hit the brazil nut.  When the hammering starts, we go back from the slight frame blow-up to the full picture at about 3:59.  This is so everyone can get a chance to re-read the crate.  Remember: the crate's full of highly unstable, powerful explosives.  There will be a quiz later.  No sooner does Shemp start hammering away, when Lawrence tries to intervene.  Apparently, he's got a better idea.  He certainly thinks he does, anyhow.  "I'll show you how to do it!" he tells Shemp.  Larry takes the pipe from Shemp, and Shemp sets up the brazil nut... he's not going to... oh, so predictable.  Larry smashes the crap out of Shemp's hand instead.  Time to kill some time, apparently.  Shemp hits Larry over the head to spread the wealth of pain around.  Not content with the way the karma has been re-balanced by Shemp, Larry goes for a shot to Shemp's head and throws the pipe at Shemp's head!  This can only escalate so much until one of these two ends up dead.  Larry misses and beans Moe instead, who's just finishing up mopping up all the egg off his face and jacket.  Moe looks like he's going to pass out, then he smiles, then he shakes his head, looks at the pipe, and begins his (latest) search for vengeance.  Concerned, Larry and Shemp run over to Moe, and apologize like hell.  "It was an accident!" they each say in turn... I think.  It's early mumblecore, folks.  Moe's not having any of it, and he hurls the pipe himself for a change, but hits the box of dynamite caps instead.  The force of Moe throwing the pipe ignites the crate, and there's a gigantic explosion.  Fade to white.
This is probably a good place for an act break, but I'm going to continue until the 5:20 mark this time.  Anyway, next scene: we fade from white amidst the rumbling sound of a large explosion, and we look upon the wreckage that Pier 7, Berth C has now become.  Every crate has been destroyed.  The Stooges are on the ground in a heap.  Shemp is lying flat on his stomach, Larry's on his back, and Moe's pants-covered ass is pointing skyward.  There's a fresh hail of debris, mostly fractured pieces of crate, and a couple chickens fall from a great height, hopefully not much higher than the top of the camera's view, for their sake.  This scene is so grisly, that the action quickly fades to Secret Agent Borscht, hard at work with his next bit of deviltry.  Okay, NOW it feels like time for an act break!

ACT TWO

We see Borscht opening the door to the ship.  The Stooges, holding the watermelons, see him, and are so overjoyed that they start yelling about it.  Borscht hushes them and waves them into the ship.  "C'mon!" orders Larry.  No time to slap him for now, there's walking to be done!  The Stooges enter the "ship" and start dusting the white powder off themselves.  Meanwhile, Borscht closes the hull doors of the ship, and locks them with lock and chain... wait a second!  Why's he doing that?  Close-up of Borscht so you can focus in on what he's doing more clearly.  The Stooges aren't paying attention, of course, as they're still caught up in dusting each other off.  That is, until things start getting ugly... the mood, I mean.  "Wait a minute!  WAIT A MINUTE!" yells Moe.  We don't see what happened to piss off Moe, but do we really need to?  Moe raises his watermelon high above his head as he prepares to smite Shemp with it.  Borscht intervenes at the last minute.  "I'll take the melons, boys," says Borscht.  I think we've found the new Moe!  This Borscht guy's got charisma, no question about it.  One Stooge film down, seven more to go.
Borscht scoops up all three of the watermelons and carries them off stage.  Now, you might be asking yourself, but Movie Hooligan!  If he's strong enough to carry three watermelons by himself, then what... Of course, I'd have to stop you right there.  First of all, shame on you for not being a more regular reader of this blog.  Why, you probably spend all day on the likes of Upworthy and Mashable and BuzzFeed!  Too busy playing bridge with the ladies or the gents to take an interest in higher culture!  Pish posh and tish tosh to you... what was I saying?  Oh, right.  As David Mamet might simplify it, if the Stooges don't carry the melons onto the ship, there's no movie!  Besides, Borscht had other luggage to carry, and he probably had someone else do that for him too!  This Borscht is an Eastern bloc alpha male, don't kid yourself, and even though he may believe in Communism and the people and worker's rights, he still would rather be the boss.  As for the Stooges, they're lost in the usual fog of the moment.  Shemp takes a big sniff of the "briny deep" in the comfort of the Columbia back lot, and talks about it.  Larry's caught up in the mood himself, and feels a song coming on, God bless him.  He says "Hey!  Number 4 in the blue book!"  And the two beta Stooges start singing "We're off to see the sea!"  Just like in... let me check Yahoo... like in Back from the Front, and alas, it's not the only reference to that previous short with Curly.  Now, you know me.  I'm always looking for America's Next Old Pun.  Fortunately, the Stooges never let me down.  Moe breaks up the others' fun as usual.  Larry tells him "Why, we're known as the Fishmarket Duet!"  "The Fishmarket Duet?" Moe asks.  Shemp delivers the punchline.  Nyaah, nyaah!
Back to Borscht, who's neatly arranged his watermelons in an open crate, and stares daggers at those inscrutable Stooges.  The ship's whistle blows, much like it does in Back from the Front, only a little bit quieter.  Eerie!  I gotta get outta here... okay, I'm back.  Now, time for a little old-fashioned movie magic.  The camera shakes, and the Stooges move around as though the "ship" is moving.  Borscht is a little more steadfast than that.  Shemp tries to leave but discovers that the door's been locked and chained shut.  Cut to stock footage of a giant ship leaving a dock.  Back to the Stooges.  Ah, the magic of editing.  And this was in the old pre-Avid days!  Film cement and razor blades!  Editors getting dizzy from glue fumes.  Not everything on digital and actually edited in Korea by 8-year olds like today.  To calm the Stooges' frayed nerves, Borscht tells them: "I got a secret for you... I am a stowaway, and you are stowaways!"  Borscht starts laughing, and the Stooges start laughing, only a little bit later... see how I did that?  Moe, the quickest-witted Stooge, eventually stops laughing and says "Hey!  What're we laughing for?"
You know, for four stowaways, they're living pretty well, I must say!  Much like Henry Hill in prison in GoodFellas.  Next scene: our ship in fog.  That's the establishing shot.  And then, we go back to the Stooges, waiting like hyenas while Borscht the Lion starts his lunch... sorry, just watched Life of Pi.  Guess it did something to me!  Borscht's cutting slices off of a giant sausage... easy!  Moe says "Oh, boy!  Now we really get to eat."  Borscht puts out that fire right away, saying "Sorry, boys, but I only have enough for me."  Borscht sets the sausage down, and Larry makes a grab for it.  Borscht raps his machete onto the cutting board.  Larry takes it upon himself to do the dirty work this time, saying to Borscht "Aw c'mon.  Have a heart and give us a piece!"  What happens next, I'm a bit torn about.  See, there's three slices of sausage on the cutting board in front of Borscht.  Angered by Larry's insolence, he starts hitting the cutting board, and the pieces fly up into the Stooges' mouths with each smiting.  Now, on the one hand, this extended sequence is a bit too cute, and it's a blatant attempt to stretch out this bitch to 16 minutes.  On the other hand, Borscht delivers a rant that's worthy of Moe when he seems to be grasping for words in one of his rants at Larry or Curly.  "Now, SHUT UP and I MEAN shut up!!!" Borscht says at one point.  "Don't you understand Engels?  I told you I don't have enough!"  Tis a shame that he and the Stooges will end up being enemies.  This guy's got something, that quality where you just can't stop paying attention to him... but in a good way.  Rare for Stooge supporting players.
As Borscht continues his rant, Shemp gets alarmed by what he's saying.  What if Borscht looks down and sees that three of his summer sausage slices are missing?  Shemp looks down and sees an open crate full of, of all things, old faucets with circular valve handles.  Shemp springs into action and untwists three of the handles from their perches... hmm!  Interesting sound effect.  I think I just heard that in the last one, Vagabond Loafers... that was the last one, wasn't it?  I believe it was the fixture and the clock.  Anyway, Shemp puts the three metal handles into place, and tells Borscht "Now, don't get excited."  Borscht grabs one of the handles and starts chewing away, unfazed.  Well, maybe a little fazed, especially after he rubs his stomach.  Well, you can't get good metal in Mother Russia... I mean, non-specific Eastern European Communist country where Borscht is from.
Time for another tactic.  Moe grabs the pepper when Borscht isn't looking.  Borscht is wondering what became of the garlic.  I LOVE THIS GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Did I mention that already?  Anyway, Moe fills his palm with pepper and blows it into Borch's face... dude!  How rude is that?  That's like the time Homer unscrewed the sugar and Moe dumped the whole thing into his coffee... that was after Lenny or Carl set his tie on fire, and after he got bitten by that cobra.  Homer's prank was last, and felt to be the unkindest cut of all by the rest.  Similar vibe.  Borscht starts sneezing away, even though it sounds like.... oh, never mind.  I'm going to skip that one.  They use that same sneeze sound effect all the time.  And so, the Stooges pilfer Borscht's summer sausage.  The WHOLE THING.  Apparently this is payback for the Stooges getting shanghai'd and not properly taken care of.  But the way I see it, Borscht is providing them with a fresh plot... a semi-fresh plot, so it's the Stooges who should be showing Borscht some f... some gratitude.
Next scene: a re-enactment of the same seasickness scene from Back to the Front.  Shame on me; I'm trying to rush through this, aren't I?  Oh!  But before that, we get stock footage of a model ship in a bathtub.  Okay, a really big bathtub where you can't see the edges of it.  I wonder if the Stooges actually used stock footage of a model ship or if they had a slight budget that week to shoot a little footage of their own for a change?  Anyway, as with Curly, the sickness hits Shemp last.  Shemp stands up against the wall, and soon he has white makeup on his face to signify sea sickness.  Shemp looks at the food in his hand and groans loudly.  Classic moment.  The highlight of the film so far, at least until the espionage kicks in.  Shemp drops the food into a bucket of water, and some of the water spills on Moe's head... Now, let me ask you this.  Is there anything better than implied vomit? ...damn, they don't have Screwball Squirrel.  There's implied vomit in that!  Moe feels the water on his head and he looks up.  He sees Shemp with his hand over his mouth.  Oh, this is a four-star one, I can tell already.  But I'm not even half-way there yet, so I gotta keep going.  Moe stews about this for as long as he can, stretching out time a little bit, but he springs into action.  Moe stands up and says to Shemp, "What's the idea?"  He slaps Shemp and says "Spilling water on me!"  Believe me, Moe's had his share of people vomiting on him, mostly from the Vaudeville days, and he knows the difference.  Also, the word vomit was one of those words back then that the Hays Code absolutely forbade.  Implying it, and dancing around it, of course, perfectly okay.  Moe banishes Shemp from his spot next to Moe, and Shemp wanders over to one of the ship's windows to re-enact the "Wotta day!" gag from... sorry, Back from the Front.  Wonder if I gave that one four stars?  Anyway, Shemp opens the window, takes a deep breath, and gets splashed in the neck by a lapping wave.  See, they're trying not to hit him in the face, on account of the white makeup.  Shemp tries to fool the water with his hand, but the water's not buying it.  Thinking the coast is clear, Shemp goes in for a second breath of air, and gets splashed harder, this time in the face.  Shemp gives up and moves away from the window.  Wotta day!
Cross-fade to next scene: sleep.  Boy, but I could probably use a little myself.  Let me just do a little bit more of this and I'll be off.  Anyway, we see Moe and Larry sound asleep.  They've got blankets and everything!  Cut to Shemp who's trying to blaze his own trail.  He's found himself a hammock of his own.  He calls his two friends suckers and prepares to go to sleep in comfort like a king, or like one of the Masters of the Universe or something.  However, getting into said hammock will prove difficult for this 54-year old man.  Bear in mind: a 54-year old man back then in Shemp's condition would be more like an 80 or a 90 year old man.  First attempt: Shemp's stunt double hits the floor.  It kind of looks like the guy lands on his back, but he seems to land on his side.  A little less hard on the spine.  Hammock: 1, Shemp: 0.  And on top of that, Shemp grunts about a second and a half after the sound effect!  Unsettling.  It has to be about .25 seconds or nothing.  Go hard or go home, I chant mindlessly.  Shemp goes in for a second attempt, but his stunt double... I hope it's his stunt double... the stunt double falls out of the hammock much faster this time!  He's learning in the wrong direction.  Hammock: 2, Shemp: 0. Cut to Moe and Larry, snoring away.
Shemp starts to use a bit of brain at this point... sort of.  He wheels a barrel over to the hammock.  More importantly, the barrel's on a wooden platform.  Using that, Shemp carefully gets into the hammock and settles down for a good night's sleep.  Better late than never, I always say.  A celebratory Shemp lights up a cigarette to relax.  This is one of the filthiest Stooge films I've ever seen!  Shemp, acting all cool 'n stuff, throws his match away nonchalantly.  You'll never guess what happens, not in a million years... that's right, the barrel catches on fire.  But, Movie Hooligan, you say.  It's only next to Shemp!  Not only is Shemp prepared to get a good night's sleep, but he'll be toasty warm, too!  Is this the end of the Stooges as we know it?  Have they given up on making us laugh forever and ever?  Can Smokey the Bear go suck it?  I say, easy, easy, there, dear reader.  This is not Fox News, after all.  We don't have to jump all over everything all the time here!... at least, not as vigorously.  Back to footage of the model ship in choppy waters.  A giant wave hits and the ship starts bobbing up and down more than usual.  The barrel moves away from its position, singing the ropes at Shemp's feet, and starts moving around.  Ah.  The Stooges stay true to their philosophical core.  The barrel moves slightly away from the ropes, there's an edit, and the barrel instantly moves right under the ropes.  Bad direction, boys, bad direction.  You should've worked that extra couple hours to get the barrel to move right under the ropes.  Anyway, the ropes at Shemp's feet catch on fire for real this time.  Phooey.  I was hoping the barrel would move under Shemp's ass... dream coming true!  The filmmakers did spring for the fire bank held right in front of the camera, at the very least, as we get a shot of Shemp swinging in his hammock, with flames seeming to rise directly under him.  Same technique used in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, but they probably don't have that on YouTube, nor should I look for it, and that's out of respect.  The moment of truth arrives, and Shemp's awake, screaming his burning ass off.  There's a cruel lesson here.  Maybe it's that hammocks hate Shemp so much, they're willing to get themselves burned so they don't have to carry him.  Or that they're willing to let Shemp get a little bit of sleep, so that he ends up sitting in a burning barrel, screaming in pain as though the very pitchfork of the Devil were stabbing him in his old, wizened posterior.  Or maybe it's that you shouldn't smoke around a barrel full of the makings for a quick fire.  Especially if that barrel's attached to a wooden frame.  With wheels.  ON A SHIP.  IN THE OCEAN.  In any event, I've made my call, and the final score is: Hammock, 2.5, Shemp: 0.  But at least Shemp got a little bit of sleep.  Fade to black.

ACT THREE

Scene: Moe and Larry are still snoring away.  Where's Shemp, though?  Oh, this is going to be good.  Moe and Larry soon wake up, though.  Screenwriters take note: always start your scene when there's a change coming in a few seconds.  For example, you could start Act Three with five minutes of Moe and Larry snoring, then have them wake up... but you'd lose the audience!  American audiences, anyway.  Sure, maybe they'd dig that sort of thing in Europe, but this is America, and no other country in the world can produce something as uniquely American as the Stooges... I stand corrected.  Anyway, Moe and Larry wake up, stretch, and of course punch each other in the cheek.  They can hear Shemp snoring, but where the hell is he?... I dare not spoil it.  Needles to say, Moe wakes Shemp up with a punch to his stomach.  Jesus!  Shemp wakes up and says "Oh, why'd'ja wake me up for?  Why didn't you let me sleep, so I wouldn't know how hungry I am?"  Moe can't argue with that logic.  Larry, greedy bastard that he's turned out to be in this one, says "Hey!  Why don't we eat the watermelons?"  (Screenwriters take note: GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!)  Moe grabs Shemp by the hair and the ungrateful trio are off to steal more of Borscht's stuff.  He gives them a free ocean voyage, and what thanks does he get?  Sheesh!!!!!!
Next scene: we see Borscht asleep, clutching a watermelon in each arm.  The one in his left arm looks like a giant walnut or something.  Where's the third?  There's the third!  Borscht is using it as a pillow.  Just like Chuck Norris would.  The Stooges, greedy bastards that they are, take all of Borscht's melons.  But how to get the third, pillow melon?  Larry nudges it out from under Borscht's head using his head.  Screenwriters take note: tacky as hell.  This kind of stuff will get you thrown off the lot of whatever studio you're at.  Do not write your script like this.  And so, Moe and Shemp run off to eat their respective watermelons, while Larry ends up with his head stuck under Borscht's large, sleeping head.  Screenwriters take note: tacky.  Tacky as hell.
Next scene: Moe and Shemp make their way over to a re-dressed Pier 7, Berth C set... I mean, to an open space inside the ship, away from Borscht and Larry, to have some damn watermelon for breakfast.  Moe looks around for something to cut his watermelon open.  Finding nothing, he looks at Shemp.  Moe laughs at Shemp, points to the ground, and says "Look!"  He's not... he is.  The plaster of Paris watermelon splits perfectly into two.  Moe reaches inside one of the melon halves and says "Ooh!  Big seeds!"  He takes out a chunk of melon, looks at it and says "Oh, a prize!"  Moe spends some time taking the roll of fillum out of its container, puts two and two together, then says "Get the other melon."  Moe is now in all business mode.  Moe and Shemp get the other melons, and go right for the notches that Borscht made in them to look for more fillum.  Damn, they're good.
Back to Larry, head still stuck in a tight spot.  Could always be worse.  Back to Moe and Shemp, who've already found the second and third fillums.  "No wonder Borscht acted so mysteriously!" intuits Moe.  Shemp's still trying to put two and two together.  Back to Larry, still stuck.  Borscht wakes up, and discovers that the melons that were in his arms are gone.  Wait for it... yup, Borscht feels Larry's forehead and says... wait for it... "That melon's here!"  Borscht continues probing Larry's face with his hand.  That's the long shot.  They then switch to a close-up shot.  As Borscht continues to explore, he slowly comes to the realization that he no longer has a watermelon for a pillow.  He narrows his eyes at 3:54, and turns to look at Larry.  Larry says "Hi."  What a goof.
Now it's Borscht's turn for all-business.  He easily subdues Larry by holding him by the throat, and he reaches for a machete while Moe tells Shemp that they're going to turn Borscht over to the authorities.  If Borscht really is a stowaway on the ship, then the crew might be sympathetic to the Stooges' plight.  Hard to say.  They're probably not budgeted for that, though.  Next scene: back to Moe and Shemp, where Moe tells Shemp that they're going to do away with "that spy."  "That's what you think!" says Borscht.  I'm telling you!  These guys could be friends!  Borscht is born for this kind of work with the Stooges.  Alas, they're on opposite sides of the plot, so fight they must.  Also alas, there's no time for a more complete rendition of the same old, moldy "What're you ___ing at?" gag.  Moe just does a quick "That's what I said," turns and says "Hello" to Borscht, and the chase is on.
And so, it's time to play "GIVE ME THAT FILLUM!"  I think you're supposed to do a shot of vodka for each time that phrase is uttered or something.  I'll try to give as complete an account as possible for your benefit, but you'll have to adjust if you're watching this on DVD, of course.  Shouldn't be too hard.  4:14, 4:19, 5:33, 5:34, 5:55 ("You gimme that fillum!"), ... drat.  I thought there was more than that.  And so, back to the action.  Borscht has Shemp cornered on one side of the "ship," while Moe and Larry are safe on the other side.  Or so they think, until Moe hurls a hook attached to a rope at Borscht.  The hook beans Borscht on the back of the head.  Victory!  But then, the hook swings back towards Moe and Larry.  Moe and Larry are shaking hands.  The hook hits Moe in the head, and Moe's head hits Larry's head.  Defeat.  And there's no chance for the water bucket to wake up Moe, as it is empty.  Only Shemp remains conscious at this point.  Since Shemp is no match for Borscht physically, Shemp must defeat Borscht mentally... no easy feat.
Now, I know what you're probably thinking, and even I have to put some fresh masking tape on my glasses for this one.  In order for a hook to hit both Borscht and Moe, why, it'd have to be hanging from a pulley about 50 to 80 feet in the air!  That's 100 to 160 feet of rope!  Well, it is a big ship, with very few crew and not that much cargo... still, point taken.  But we don't watch Stooge films for plot subtleties like that, now, do we?  Absolutely not.  So let's dive right back into it.  Borscht regains consciousness before Moe and Larry do.  He's one tough bastard, I tells ya.  Seeing that Shemp's gone, Borscht looks around.  Shemp's not playing full-on hide and seek, though.  He taunts Borscht by saying "Nyaah nyaah!"  Shemp has either huffed a whole lot of helium, or they're running both film and sound at about 12 to 16 fps.  If it were 12, he might be a whole octave higher in voice, which is too much.
And as you can see, in the absence of a comedy hallway, the cargo is arranged as though it were.  And the chase is on!  Sorry, that's the wrong link.  And so is this.  Hmm!  Split that one in two!  Here's another good part from Loose Loot.  Oh, I just can't wait for that one!  Anyway, back to Shemp.  At about 4:45, you can barely tell there's an edit!  Maybe there isn't one, who knows?  There must have been one; how could Shemp get over to the opposite side so quickly?  Shemp disappears at the far right corner of the cargo hallway, then reappears in the near left one, says "Nyaah nyaah!" and disappears again.  Borscht moves to where Shemp was.  Check out the edit at about 4:51!  Heh heh.  Shemp reappears at the far end of the hallway and says "Nyaah nyaah!"  Monotonous, isn't it?  Monotonous, but effective.  At 4:58, there's a bad lighting error, if you look at the middle of the floor.  Shemp magically appears in front of one of the crucial lights in the scene, emerges into the hall and says... wait for it... that's right, it's "Nyaah nyaah!" again.  This is turning into Chinese nyaah-nyaah torture!  But at least the pitch is a little different each time.
But even Shemp's getting tired of this strategy.  He does a pass-fake, then starts doing a figure eight motion through the cargo hallway.  Borscht follows him faithfully, perhaps a little too faithfully.  They forgot to film it at 8 fps at this point.  Lol.  Borscht is trying to catch up to Shemp, and sticking to the figure eight path so steadfastly, that Shemp is able to sit back and enjoy his handiwork... sorry, here's the right link... sorry, here's the right link.  Borscht wears himself out from running and stops to take a breather.  That's when Shemp strikes, and gives him a good boot right in the ol' ягодицы. Am I right, or am I right, Babelfish?  God bless the web.  Borscht turns around and Shemp pokes him in the eyes.  Dayamn!  That's the ol' Stooge Fu at work right there!  Shemp gives one last "Nyaah nyaah!" at regular speed, 24 fps, and runs away anew.  As any patriotic American would.
Next scene: this may have inspired the makers of Gymkata in a way, if only subliminally, as Shemp approaches his proverbial town square with a pommel horse in the center of it.  For the sake of the audience, Shemp steps over the cluster of crates in the middle of the ship and steps down.  We hear crunching sounds.  Shemp looks down and finds that he now has two watermelons for shoes.  Wotta fate.  Fortunately, he's still spry enough to outrun Borscht, a much younger, stronger, more nimble man brandishing a giant knife.  The older I get, the more this kind of thing gives me hope.  Shemp waddles off Stage Left, and we return to Moe and Larry, slowly regaining consciousness.  They shake their heads to wake up, as they often do, then they look at each other.  Something just doesn't feel right.  It should be more like this... am I right or am I right?
Back to Shemp, cornered by Borscht.  Casting about in a moment of stress, Shemp hits upon a notion of genius.  "KEEP AWAY FROM ME!" he yells at Borscht, in a rare moment of acting.  He kicks his right foot, and the watermelon goes flying.  Unfortunately, the watermelon hits upon Larry's head.  Larry passes out anew, and Moe has to slap him about the face.  Kinduva shame, as I've never seen Larry so happy.  Back to Shemp, who's planning on aiming tried and true this time.  "I'll brain ya!" he exclaims, and up flies the second melon... oh, that ain't going anywhere... I stand corrected!  Borscht takes a direct hit to the head, and the "watermelon" breaks into several large pieces.  Alas, this only makes the virile and swarthy Borscht madder.  Back to Moe, who's giving the hook and rope a second chance.  Oh, it's almost as sad a finale as the one in Cops and Robbersons... almost.  Moe hurls the hook.. or, pulley, rather.  Concurrently, Shemp takes a pathetic swing at Borscht.  Borscht quickly ducks and... yup.  Shemp gets beaned by the pulley.  Borscht looks at Shemp, then over at the pulley swinging back.  Back to Moe and Larry.  Moe sees the pulley coming and ducks.  Larry saw Shemp get hit by the pulley, and is wincing with embarrassment.  LOL.  Then he winces with pain as he gets hit by the pulley.  Larry doesn't look so happy as he passes out for the third time.  Moe grabs the pulley, calls it a backbiter, then decides to manually use it on Borscht, saying "I'll take you in myself!"  Moe goes in for the kill, or massive concussion.  No killing, this is a classy Stooge short!  No one should die in a Stooge short.
Borscht is rifling through Shemp's pockets for the fillum, and Moe sneaks up on him.  "MR. BORSCHT!" says Moe.  "YES?" says Borscht.  WHAM!!!  DOWN GOES BORSCHT!  Moe gets a rope and starts binding Borscht's feet together.  Shemp comes to; Larry might be dead.


EPILOGUE
So how to end this epic tale of Cold War-type espionage?  Well, there are only about thirty seconds left, so there might not be time nor budget for the Stooges to appear at City Hall and hit someone with the key to the city.  So it'll just have to be a simple affair.  Half-dazed, Shemp goes over to Moe and shakes his head.  He sees that Moe has vanquished the bad guy, and says "You got 'em!  Nice work, Moe!"  God bless the bad guys and the comraderie they create among the good guys.  I mean, you don't usually see one Stooge complement another like this.  Except at the end, of course.  Moe says "We'll turn this bird over to the authorities at the first port.  See if we're near land!"  The callback.  It all comes full circle... did I expend enough words on this one?

****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Poor Olive: Caught between a rogue and a hard face

Welp, even though I don't care for musicals all that much, I do have a fondness for the next Popeye short called Beware of Barnacle Bill.  Must be my need for a rigid structure to things.  The songs drive the plot forward, such as it is.  Usually the first song in a musical conveys a character's joy, only to have it dashed in the next song.  Here, Olive begins with a sad song and... well, let's just dive right in, shall we?

ACT ONE

Growing weary of the same old format, Beware of Barnacle Bill switches tunes from Popeye's theme to Bill's theme when the doors open and the title is displayed.  And furthermore, Popeye doesn't even sing his theme song like he used to!  I dare say they're trying to pack more story in or something.  We see Popeye's fingers walking up to Olive's doorbell at her apartment, real Tom Jones style.  And, of course, I have to study the other names: Mike Smith, Jimmy Jones ... Maggi Stork?  Better get the DVD out at some point instead of just YouTube-ing it.  The front door to Olive's apartment building starts making Morse code noises, and that's Popeye's cue to enter.  When's the last time you saw city life portrayed like this in a Disney cartoon?  Never, that's when!
Next scene: Olive comes out in the hallway and smiles at Popeye... but for a split second, she's got a worried look on her face.  What does that portend?  She says hello to Popeye but he just walks past into her place.  The nerve.  Olive shrugs at the audience in wonderment, until Popeye sticks his head out and wraspily "Hello"s right back.  Olive goes inside.
Next scene: Popeye sheepishly presents Olive with the gift of flowers, and says "I've got some important news to tell you!"  You gotta hand it to Jack Mercer; he really overdid the mispronunciation of words better than Costello.  Anyway, the news is: Popeye wants to marry Olive Oyl!  Oh, those Fleischers; always pushing the plots faster along than the cartoon strips.  More heartbreak for everyone involved.  Is this the end of Popeye and Olive as we once knew them?  Will they cease to be hip?  Will they end up like Betty Boop and wear less provocative clothing and get saddled with cute kids and cute aminals to boost their popularity?
Popeye sheepishly laughs to himself.  Yeesh!  No wonder Olive's got cold feet.  And so... Olive begins her sad song about how they cannot be wed.  We don't see Popeye's face, but the three flowers in his hand convey the flood of emotions perfectly.  Popeye quickly recovers and makes the case against this usurper, this sneak that would ruin Popeye's happiness.  Olive informs Popeye that his name is Barnacle Bill, and she pulls a picture of him out through the neck of her shirt.  Strange that she could hide it on her skinny frame in the first place.  You know, that Barnacle Bill guy looks an awful lot like Bluto!  Well, never mind that for now.  Popeye tries to tell Olive that Bill's a heartless bastard who'd take candy from a baby if he wasn't a diabetic.  Then, Popeye twirls Bill's portrait around and punches it in the eye (giving the portrait a black eye, of course.  Only in a Fleischer cartoon!).  Not exactly the picture of humility, but you know how it is.  Popeye can be a bad boy, too!  Girls dig that in a guy, right?  And this is the point Olive sings next: "But he's strong and handsome too....."  WTF.  Reminds me of the 1980 movie when Shelley Duvall sings "He's Large."  That's according to the IMDb page.

ACT TWO

Popeye vows to mop the floor with this Barnacle Bill character.  Popeye just ends up twisting himself out of shape for the time being.  Ain't that always the way?  You only hurt the ones you love.  (This must be the best part, right?)  And no sooner does Popeye finish his promise, when there's a powerful knock at the door.  And so begins a duet between Olive and Barnacle Bill.  Nothing short of epic, I tells ya.  As Barnacle Bill continues knocking on the door, almost destroying the wall of Olive's apartment in the process, he sings his romantic intentions, but also urges Olive to open the door before he loses his temper.  Ain't that how all these love triangles go?  The one guy threatens to beat the crap out of his competitor, and the competitor threatens to beat the crap out of the girl.  What's a girl to do?  Modern love can be a strain.
Next scene: a perfect comedic setup.  We've got Popeye and Olive, and a carpet between Olive and the front door that doesn't seem to be part of the non-moving background.  As Olive sings "Here I come to let you in" and heads for the door, Popeye keeps pulling the carpet back and pulling Olive towards him... what can I say?  I'm in a good mood today.  The third carpet pull, however, isn't so funny, as it's a little too sudden and Olive hits the door with her head.  Next scene: a close-up of the front door, with Olive's face mashed against it, and Bluto's shoes are visible under the door.  Dazed, Olive stands up.  As promised, Barnacle Bill slams the door open!  And an even-more dazed Olive ends up behind it.  Bill towers over Popeye and doesn't even see him after he walks up to where Popeye's standing.  Must be an alpha-male thing; I wouldn't know.  "Olive Oyl?" calls Bill/Bluto.  The "Where are you?" is merely implied.  Olive says "Here I am!" and pulls herself out of the X-shaped impression in the wall that she made.
Next scene: they're all in the center of the room now... we're not leaving this room at all, are we?  One of those funny cartoons, those one-act play dealyboppers, huh?  The one thing I hate more than musicals.  "WHO IS THIS HALF-PINT?" Bluto asks Olive.  Olive blissfully replies that it's Popeye, and that Popeye wants to marry her.  God bless Olive Oyl.
Alas, Bill's not done ranting and raving.  "WELL, YOU'RE TOO LATE!" screams Bill.  He picks up Olive and stands her up on his right side rather than on his left, and slams her hat on her head. Olive is stunned.  Popeye slams her hat off her head.  Olive's still stunned, but buckles under the pressure and sinks down a few inches.  Repeat once!  Frankly, she should dump both of these guys just on general principles.
Bill now focuses all of his wrath onto Popeye, but in song form.  "No one ever challenged me!" sings Bluto, as he picks up Olive's dresser and throws it at Popeye.  It mashes Popeye against the wall and rolls back over to Bluto.  Popeye pops out of the top drawer and sings "Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor!"  For his next act, Bill punches Popeye in the face and sings "I'm the terror of the sea!"  Popeye flies into the hide-a-bed in the closet, making a giant hole in the closet door.  The bed lowers and Popeye appears from under the sheets, singing "Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor!"  Apparently, Popeye's plan is to annoy Bluto to death.  As Popeye's singing his part of the duet, Bluto comes over, grabs Popeye, and throws him across the room in the other direction.  Popeye ends up hanging from the light fixture in the center of the house.  To better turn him into a human punching bag, the light fixture is an all-too-willing accomplice, as the ring with the light bulbs on it lowers itself down to Popeye's neck.  Next scene: Bluto goes to work on Popeye's head as though it were a punching bag.  For three measures, no less!  Popeye seems no worse for the wear, however, and he catches his pipe on the first bounce, and annoys Bluto some more with another line of "Says Barnacle Bill the Sailor!"
Popeye removes himself from where he's hanging and starts to size up Bill.  Bill flexes his giant, bowling-ball-shaped arm muscles.  Popeye feels them just to make sure... easy!  Now it's Popeye's turn.  Now, his radials of course are consistently huge, but his biceps and triceps are another story.  Popeye flexes and his biceps are the size of a large marble!  But Popeye's got a backup plan: the backup plan.  And just to rub it in Bluto's face a little, Popeye has Bluto hold the can of spinach for him.  And Popeye takes that wad of spinach, digests it, and in less than a second Popeye's biceps go from walnut-sized to bowling-ball sized.  And as you can see, there's a bowling-ball sized version of the Rock of Gibraltar inside his new-found muscles.  Probably time for Act Three.

ACT THREE

Time for Popeye to go to work.  And arguably, this is not one of his more spectacular fights, but it does give you time to think.  The first punch, and Popeye sends Bill over to the foot of Olive's stairs... a two-floor apartment?  Fancy!  Olive must be an heiress or something.  Bluto grabs the nearest thing he can find: an umbrella.  But it's too late.  It was over before it began.  Popeye's right there by his side, and a second punch sends Bluto up the stair's railing.  Bluto starts sliding down the railing, and the umbrella opens and slows his descent.  Lol.  Repeat.  Lol.  For Popeye's third punch, he sends Bill out through the window.  Bill ricochets around outside like a ping-pong ball... and we've left the confines of Olive's apartment!  If only for that brief, glorious moment.  Bluto crashes through the ceiling window, lands on the staircase railing at the top of the stairs and... boom!  The callback.  The umbrella slows his descent once again!!! LOL!!!  Unfortunately, playtime's over.  With the final punch, Bluto loses his grip on the umbrella and he goes sailing out through another window.  We're back outside now, but with a view of what hopefully is Bill's ship.  Bluto bounces along the top of the power lines until he lands on his ship.  The ship takes off for the horizon like a mother.
Back to Olive's apartment, where the song continues, but with slightly different lyrics.  Olive's place has been ruined by Popeye and Bill, but as Olive and Popeye stand at the foot of her stairs, the place looks okay!  Olive starts singing "Popeye dear, I love you best."  Popeye seems skeptical at best, and pissed off at worst.  When it's Popeye's turn to sing, he calls Olive a "cabbage head"!  What is this, a Stooge film?  Popeye ends his portion of the song with unfair generalizations about women, and scolds Olive for turning on Barnacle Bill.  While he's singing, Popeye cleans up everything in the apartment; mostly it's just that stuff's been knocked over.  Popeye says "Goodbye!" and slams the door shut behind him.  And, as so often happens in Laurel and Hardy shorts, ... or, at least when Oliver slams into the table in Our Wife... everything in the room gets trashed anew, and there are many fresh holes in the walls... but that X is still there by the front door!  Lol.  God bless the Fleischers and their attention to detail.

EPILOGUE

Clasping her hands, Olive looks around at the mess that her apartment's become.  "There goes the Navy," she moans.  However, her pessimism quickly gives way to optimism and patriotic music, and she says "But still there's the Army!"  She salutes and, for once, the last bubble closes on her instead of on Popeye.  We'll leave it at that.
p.s. - Maggi O'Tool?  WTF?!!!

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - William D. Alexander

Still dead, unfortunately.  According to Wikipedia, his last film, Jackpot, remains unfinished.  Get on that, Spike!  Charlotte Rampling's still available!! 
Boy!  The dude got to work with Richard Burton a lot.  Gotta like that!

His Wikipedia entry

Movie 42

Finally!  It's been a while since a #1 movie has been running ads in venues that I actually watch!  Usually it's Nickelodeon or God knows what else.  Yes, Brian Helgeland continues to walk the path of Oscar, away from Mel Gibson, with his latest, a biopic about Jackie Robinson... apparently based on his own research.  After all, he's already got a Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar.  Time to get the other kind!
Meanwhile, the PG-13 equivalent of Movie 43 took second, called Scary Movie 5.. I'm sorry, Scary MoVie.  It'll fade quickly after this.  The only other debut in the top 10 this week is The Place Beyond the Pines which has technically been out for three weeks already.  This thing's got more buzz than Spring Breakers!

Amblin' Wingnuts

As long as I'm on a mini-roll, a brief word about the first Tintin movie.  They're already working on two more, but Spielberg's too busy to direct them all.  He's got to try and salvage the Indiana Jones franchise, and he's going to direct something called Robopocalypse.  Personally, I thought the Y2K Simpsons Halloween episode put any robopocalypses to rest, but that's just me.
Anyway, Spielberg's been biding his time before embracing all this MoCap madness that's been going about.  He stood back and let Robert Zemeckis get his feet wet before getting his own feet muddied.  And after BoZem's MoCap trilogy, The Polar Express, Beowulf, and A Christmas Carol, Spielberg finally decided that maybe it was time to try one of his own!
Of course, Zemeckis didn't have the benefit of the new 3D technologies involved, nor probably the benefit of some new seamless rendering technology that seems to have come about only within the last few years or so.  Take the opening sequence of Skyfall, for example.  Pretty damn slick!  That one close-up of Sakharine / Red Rackham's hair blowing in the wind, and Spielberg seems to be saying: I'm finally ready to leave the world of live actors behind.  Even though he swore he would never do that.  Boy, some people don't get to have any fun.  Also, Spielberg knows he has to up the ante on violence with these things, and Tintin almost getting decapitated by a plane's spinning propellor is one example of the proof.  Tintin gets roughed up pretty good in other parts of the flick as well.  The gloves are off against this kid!  Dayamn!
So that's two; how about a third?  Well, in the age of attention-deficit-disorder-based editing, common to the films of Michael Bay, when's the last time someone attempted a long continuous take?  BESIDES Dogville!!!  The only one that comes to my empty mind is the skydiving sequence in Point Break.  There's probably another sequence in Point Break like that, but I'm not the authority to speak to that.  Oh!  I've heard there's a scene in The Mighty Quinn that's a pretty bitchin' one-take take, where they go down the side of a hill, something like that.  Well, it probably doesn't count, especially in this CGI 2.0 age, but there's the one action sequence... I forget what sets it off.  I think it's when the bad guy's eagle gets the other scroll.  He and Tintin take off down the hill, and end up bringing a tank-driven hotel to the beach with them.  It seems to last about five minutes and... sad, isn't it?  I don't even know how long the scene lasts!  DAMN YOU, TIVO!!!  I guess the point is, the Indiana Jones structure's out there now.  It's been used and overused to death, and it seems to be too good not to use.  All that's left is rejuvenating the icons of old and giving them a second chance in the Indiana Jones-CGI cinemascape of the early 21st Century.  And Spielberg himself gets first crack at all the best ones; and rightfully so, of course.  Peter Jackson's supposed to direct the second Tintin film.  Just make sure he doesn't have a bunch of brontosauri pile up against a giant naturally-made staircase, okay?

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Hey Lincoln, I've been thinkin'..........

Oh, right!  I saw that one!  So that makes two Best Picture nominees of 2012 that I've seen, the other being Argo.  So I've seen all the important ones.  I believe this marks the first time an actor in a Spielberg film has won an Oscar, and deservedly so.  Well, Sean Penn and Hilary Swank already have proven that an actor can win a second after a five year hiatus.
Also, just as Spielberg pushed the PG rating in 1984 with Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, so now he pushes the PG-13 rating with the opening sequence of Lincoln, it being reminiscent of the D-Day sequence at the beginning of Saving Private Ryan, but much, much shorter.  And of course the black dude gets it first... oh, dude!  This one black guy gets three bayonets in his ass at one point!  I mean, solar plexus.  The rest of the film is brought down to PG-13 levels after that; however, if I do remember correctly, there is more than one "F-word" in it, so kudos to Spielberg for thumbing his nose at the MPAA.
Now, my loyal viewing companion complained that the film is too much like a documentary, which ought to please Spielberg, of course.  It's a well-made film, carried aloft by the detailed view of history.  Now, some have cynically compared it to Obama's current woes with getting legislation passed, but I prefer to think of it as a combination of Obama's life and Spielberg's own life, particularly the sequence where Lincoln's in the War Room waiting for one particular bit of good news, and he starts telling a story about Ethan Allen.  It's a view of the Civil War far removed from the emotionally-charged battlefields we're more accustomed to seeing.  I wonder if Spielberg himself is getting to the point where he bends the ears of his underlings a little too much these days.  Lord knows he's earned it.
I will complain that the big reveal with Tommy Lee Jones' character was maybe a little too cute, but that's just me.  Jones was great and probably should've won, too.  I guess I just yearn for the Spielberg of my youth: the Amazing Stories Spielberg, the Always Spielberg, the producer of films like *Batteries Not Included Spielberg.  Don't you?  Seriously, though, it's another fine addition to Spielberg's body of work, and I look forward to seeing it again sometime in the future.

****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

A Plumbing We Will Go, Part II

On to the next Stooge flick.  A rather bittersweet one, according to Wikipedia, as it features the last live performance of Stooge regulars Symona Boniface and Dudley Dickerson.  Personally, I think Jules White would've been a better director on this one, but perhaps Bernds will be good too.  Apparently, it's a reworking of the probably far superior A Plumbing We Will Go.

ACT ONE

Well, we have thirty seconds of exposition before the Stooges arrive.  What's the setup this time?  Seems that Emil Sitka and Symona Boniface are New Money attempting to hobnob with the Mellons and Rockefellers.  Boniface swoons over their latest acquistion: a Norman Rockwell painting... I mean, a Van Rocklin... whatever that is.  A painter who died in poverty, not at all like Rockwell.  Sitka complains "From now on, I'll have to live in it!"  Poverty, that is.  Doesn't Sitka look a bit like Tom Smothers?  Sitka wanders off, and the butler approaches Boniface to inform her that the plumbing's on the fritz.  The butler's played by a bloke named Herbert Evans.  Great speaking voice.
Cross-fade to the offices of Day and Nite Plumbers, where we see Moe reading a book titled "How to Be a Plumber."  Suddenly, the phone rings.  Now, here's where things start to break down for me.  First of all, Moe answers the phone, saying "Nite and Day Plumbers!"  ....Anybody else have a problem with this?  I thought it was called Day and Nite Plumbers!  The butler called it that!  THE SIGN SAYS IT!!!  Moe hangs up the phone.  The phone is attached to one of those wooden extension dealies... boy!  What do you call those things?  Anyway, he gets hit by the phone twice, and ducks the third, getting smacked a third time just for good measure.  The first time sounds like the audio was sped up, in addition to the film being sped up.  The third time sounds like Curly was dubbing the sound.
Here's the second problem I have with this setup.  In A Plumbing We Will Go, the Stooges were only pretending to be plumbers as a ruse to escape bicycle cop Bud Jamison.  Therefore, any damage they cause is okay.  That it was the house of the judge who let them go at the beginning of the film was the icing on the cake.  Here, they're apparently legitimately plumbers with their own business, their own plumbing van, and their own offices, made from an old fire house.  If they damage the Norfleet house, they'll have the Better Business Bureau, the local Chamber of Commerce and the Kiwanis on their ass!  They'll lose their licenses!  They'll be thrown in jail!  They'll lose whatever legitimacy got them the plumbing gig in the first place!  I mean, has the whole world gone crazy?
Anyway, Moe drives his plumbing truck away from the wrath of the extend-a-phone, and over to the fire pole to wake up Shemp and Larry.  This ought to eat up some time... okay, not as much as I thought.  Moe pulls a cord next to his left ear, and Larry and Shemp fall out of their bunks far above Moe's head.  Well, you gotta hand it to Lawrence: he did his own stunt on that one!  Then again, he didn't have far to fall.  Also, they had trouble finding a stunt double for Larry whose hair looked like Larry's.  Shemp had farther to fall, but it looks like his stunt double handled that one.  Shemp's stunt double continues to sleep on the floor, and Larry tries to wake him up.  Larry heads for the pole to slide down and drops a bunch of pipes in a bag onto Moe's head far below.  Epic.  On top of that, Larry lands in the vehicle and bumps into Moe, thereby causing him to hit the gas.  Moe and Larry take off, and Shemp soon comes down the pole himself, but is left behind.  Shemp picks himself up and has a great line: "We gotta get a longer Jeep!"
Back to the... what's their name again?  Norfleet, that's it.  Cross-fade back to a big high-falutin' social gathering at the Norfleet residence, where Mrs. Norfleet takes everyone to see the Van Brocklin painting.  We see Kenneth MacDonald and Christine McIntyre in the crowd.  McIntyre goes with the rest of 'em to see the painting, but MacDonald goes to answer the door when the doorbell rings!  Shocking.  The Stooges enter, and rightly confuse MacDonald with the butler.  They're awfully rude to him, so he's awfully rude right back.  "I'm not the butler, he's in there," says MacDonald, weary to his tired, tired bones.  "Lead on, pal!" says Larry.  "Pal," says MacDonald, as he stews about that slight.
Next scene: the room with the painting.  All is right with the world as Mrs. Norfleet's guests bask in the expensive glow of the painting.  Personally, I don't see what's so great about it.  MacDonald complements Mrs. Norfleet on the painting, takes a drink off the butler's tray, and tells the butler that the plumbers are here.  The butler goes at once to reproach them for not using the back entrance, as does Mrs. Norfleet when she hears the clanging of dropped pipes.  Oh, she lays down the law on the Stooges' ass, taking back the drinks they took from the butler's tray.  Mrs. Norfleet thinks Shemp's hiding a drink, and she asks him to give her what's in his hand.  Looks like it's Harpo's blowtorch from Duck Soup.  Moe punishes Shemp for his impertinence.  Mrs. Norfleet excuses herself and leaves the butler to take charge of the Stooges.  Larry and Moe make fun of her.  Shemp's low man again!  The butler takes charge and orders the Stooges to work, and they of course end up dropping pipes on his feet.  The butler ends up catching a vase that almost falls over, but he drops his tray.  It's a transfer of impertinence from the Stooges to the butler.  Moe goes up to the butler to talk to him, and so he can turn and hit the butler in the head with his pipes, of course, but I'm still scratching my head over what Moe says.  Bad script.  As the president of the Stooge corporation, I guess he doesn't count his idiocy as part of the Stooge idiocy.

ACT TWO

This kinda feels like an Act Break to me, even though it's about a minute and 20 seconds early.  The boys are in the basement, working hard to destroy the plumbing.  The similarities to A Plumbing We Will Go are more apparent now.  Moe tightens the pipe and the leak seems to stop.  "It's just a sottering job," he says.  "Gimme the blowtorch!" he tells Larry.  Larry's using a highly unstable blowtorch just like Curly did in A Plumbing We Will Go... seems more like a mini-flame thrower!  Moe's ass gets burned, in a less spectacular fashion than... APWWG?  You get the idea.  A slightly different wrinkle: Moe gets his foot stuck in a bucket, and asks Larry to get it out.  Larry pulls Moe's leg up and gets hit in the chin by Moe's leg.  Moe doesn't look like he meant to do that... or maybe he's just that good.  Moe knocks Shemp off balance and gets hit in the face with Shemp's wrench... Shemp's wrench!  What a strange phrase.
Back to square one, or maybe worse.  Moe gets a handful of water from the pipe and slaps Larry in the face with it.  Larry tries to say "I wonder where they shut the water off" without thinking about... the previous film.  He fails.  (Hmm!  I was going to link to A Plumbing We Will Go, but it seems to be owned exclusively by Crackle and they won't let me.  Their loss!)  Shemp theorizes that you must have to go upstairs to shut off the water, as water always runs downhill.  Moe calls Shemp an intelligent imbecile, then violently orders him upstairs to shut the water off.  This way, they can reuse basement footage from... you know... that has Moe and Larry in it, albeit from eight years ago.  Shemp grabs a bunch of pipes and runs up the stairs... gee!  Is that an actual basement, or just a basement set?
There's a little extra footage of Moe and Larry that would be a shame to waste.  Anyway, Shemp is now upstairs, and he drops a small bit of pipe.  Remember that, as it's going to come up later.  Shemp waddles around the corner, then proceeds to re-enact what Curly did previously: knock on the shower stall, kick a guy out of his shower (thank God he was wearing a towel!) and proceed to destroy a bathroom.
Back to Larry and Moe.  Trying to be helpful, Larry notices that the bucket's filling up, so he does the expedient thing: dump it out on the floor and set it up again to keep catching the drip.  Is Moe grateful?  Of course not!  He hits Larry on the head with the wrench, the big bully.  Since Shemp didn't stop the water, Moe orders Larry to do it.  Moe gives Larry a special T-shaped tool for turning off the water, but Larry... as in the previous one... ends up catching Moe's suspenders.  Larry tugs as hard as he can, but Moe's suspenders are too strong, and Moe ends up getting hit with the tool.  Moe hits the wall, then the floor in spectacular violent fashion!  The only difference here is that Moe took two hits in the previous venture, then Larry hit the wall twice.  That doesn't happen to Larry here.  Instead, Larry runs up the stairs, probably at 8 fps.
Back to Shemp, who comes up with a brilliant idea that even Curly didn't previously.  "I'll let the water out the window!" he says.  He proceeds to hook up a long pipe to the water gushing out of the wall and, at some point, loses focus of the larger goal.  Destroy the objective but still survive, I guess.  Incidentally, why is water gushing out from where Shemp pulled out the valve on the mixer tap?  Oh, I guess it makes sense.  Maybe it's an older version that was designed like that, where the valve is connected directly to the pipe.  Anyway, Shemp builds his pipe structure the same way Curly built his some eight years earlier... eerie!
Back to the part of the house where things are still dry.  McIntyre and MacDonald are whispering next to the expensive-ass painting.  Hmm!  They're not up to no good, are they?  I guess the Stooges will have to end up catching them in the act of stealing the painting, and they can use the ample reward money to offset the cost of all the plumbing damage they're causing.  I can't understand what MacDonald's whispering to McIntyre.  That's what I get for not looking at the closed-captioned DVD of this.  Mrs. Norfleet introduces Mr. Norfleet to this photogenic but criminal couple.
Back to Larry... or rather, footage of Larry from APWWG digging in the yard.  A few seconds of that, then Back to Moe, who's recreating the part where, in APWWG, he says "Who says you need brains to be a plumber?" then gets dripped on some more.  Similar here, but slightly different.  Moe notices a second leak behind him, so he gets a box to stand on so he can fix it.  "All these pipes are full of termites!" he complains.
And so, it's time for... old footage of Dudley Dickerson in the kitchen!  He's busy peeling potatoes when... oh, snap!  The faucet's sho goin' craaaaazy!  Moe has the same trouble with this second pipe as he did in APWWG.
Back to Shemp, who's just finished his abstract sculpture.  Alas, it's already dripping on him, whereas Curly had a few seconds of victory where the water actually did stop, until it started up again.  Even if I hadn't seen APWWG first, this version with Shemp is clearly not as good.  First of all, the one with Curly started with a close-up shot, then switched to a wide shot so we could see the extent of Curly's pipe masterpiece.  Here, we start with the wide shot, and the water hasn't stopped pouring out of the pipe.  Why, Shemp even gives a half-assed performance when expressing concern about being trapped... at least, compared to Curly.  I guess Shemp knew that APWWG would be hard to top.  Shemp starts boring holes into the floor to liberate the flowing water.  At the same time, Moe's fixing the leak in the thinner of the two pipes he's got.  There's still the matter of the leak coming from the thicker of the two pipes, but Moe's too old and tired to give a damn about that right now.  One out of two ain't bad at his age.  He attempts to recreate the line from A Plumbing We Will Go and make it sound fresh.  He fails.  But he does put some oomph into it when Shemp's first stream of water hits him smack on the head.  It's a doozy!  The second stream hits without waiting for the laugh.  Now it just looks like there's three guys with hoses high over Moe's head.  Lol.  The streams of water follow Moe as he tries to step out of the way.  Much less discipline than in APWWG where, if I recall correctly, Moe moved about a foot at a time in that one before the next trickle landed on his head.  And just before you know it... DOWN COMES SHEMP!  Dayamn... I'll bet that stunt double got some overtime on that one!  Ouch.  Having destroyed the thin pipes, Moe orders Shemp to get a new length of pipe.  Shemp immediately runs over to the electrical system to get some more pipe.  Makes me pine for the moment in APWWG when Curly yells "I RESENT THAT!" at Moe.  Great line reading.  And so, Shemp reenacts the part about yanking wires out of the pipe.  I wonder if electrical systems are like that today.  Probably not; too expensive to just use plumbing pipes any old wheres!  That's why kitchen sinks and bathrooms are so close together.  I've never lived in a house that didn't have two bathrooms separated by an adjacent wall.
Cut to the main part of the house, where a lamp starts coming loose from the wall next to Emil Sitka and some babe.  "No, we don't go in for sculpture.  Too bulky," he says.  Lol.  Shemp gives one final big tug and... POW!  Didn't think they'd go that far!  I never should've doubted them.  And now... back to old footage of Dudley Dickerson; looks like Wikipedia got it half right!!!  A bit of Shemp yanking on wires and... back to more old footage of Dudley Dickerson, this time with that damn clock.  Sounds like they added a little bit to the audio there.
Back to Shemp with a big pile of wires at his feet.  He must be near the end!  Meanwhile, cut to Larry digging in the yard.  It's a bit confusing without footage of the butler accosting him, the big jerk.  And back to Shemp who just finished stripping the whole house of all its wires.  In a twist on the original APWWG, Moe brings the pipe over to Shemp, water pouring right out of it, rather than the other way around.  See, if they really were plumbers, they might know not to mix water and electricity.  Just saying.  And, back to Dudley Dickerson, who's about to get soaked by the oven, and possibly the light fixture just over his head.  Will there be any time for this robbery subplot that will balance out the Stooge-iverse?
Meanwhile, a much younger Larry sticks his head up out of the ground at this juncture.  And back to Dudley, who graduated from the "The more you fall on your ass, the funnier the scene is" school of comedy.

ACT THREE

Turns out Wikipedia was right after all.  Dudley Dickerson, dressed in the raincoat from eight years earlier, comes out and says "Sorry, folks!  Dinner's postponed on account of rain!"  Let's see André Braugher do better than that!  Symona Boniface suggests they all go see what's on television.  This was in the old days when the rich and powerful didn't have as much control over what happens on television; of course, the Norfleets aren't at that level yet.  Meanwhile, back to our photogenic, crime-happy couple, having found the perfect opportunity to steal the painting.  Oh why oh why are the pretty ones always so crazy?  Oh, he uses a common knife to cut the painting out of the frame.  So lower class.
Now, for those of you who know and love APWWG like I do, I'll bet you'll never guess in a million years what they're going to watch on television?  That's right!  Niagara Falls!  Of course, they'll have to redo the scene because it was Bess Flowers who was the Margaret Dumont-esque matriarch who got the brunt of the water coming out of the TV in that one.  Symona lives up to the challenge, of course, and probably does better than ol' Bessie did.  The butler runs up and says "Madam!  Shall I get you some water?"  I'm not even going to touch that one.  Soon after, however, Boniface does notice that the painting's gone.  A few seconds earlier and she could've seen MacDonald cutting it out of the damn frame!!!  Personally, I wouldn't buy a painting on the black market from a thief who has no respect for the original frame, but that's just me.  The Macs are about to leave, but Emil Sitka says, as someone often does in these situations when a crime is committed in a nice house like that, "Nobody leave the house!  Just a formality."  Sitka tries to call the police but gets the Water Department instead.  He's confused when he gets sprayed by both ends of the phone.  Lol.  I dare say he steals the movie out from under the Stooges in this one!
Next scene: the Macs try to make their getaway, but they run afoul of Dudley Dickerson brandishing a meat cleaver!  "You folks goin' somewheres?" he asks.  White man's nightmare right there.  "Just looking for a drink of water," purrs McIntyre.  "Turn on anything!  You'll get it," says Dickerson.  This may be his most dignified performance in a Stooge film yet, old footage aside.
The Macs wander back up the hall and... at last!  Closure.  Remember the pipe that Shemp dropped earlier?  It's come in handy once again.  Phooey.  And I was hoping someone would trip over it.  Guess I'll have to wait for that to happen.  MacDonald starts stuffing the painting into the pipe.  Meanwhile, Shemp opens the door behind them, and instantly gets caught up to speed on the plot.  McIntyre decides to rejoin the others to avoid some of the suspicion.  As for MacDonald, it's too late, because Shemp's a good guy now and grabs the pipe from MacDonald.  Unbeknownst to Shemp, Moe positions himself behind Shemp.  Shemp hoists the pipe over his head and accidentally smites Moe upon his head, but he hits MacDonald upon the head tried and true.  Shemp didn't hit MacDonald on the head hard enough, however, and Shemp starts running away, with MacDonald in tow.  Moe's simply in a daze.
Back to McIntyre who's hard at work shoring up her alibi.  "Why, the only strangers in the house are those plumbers!  They must've taken your painting!" she says.  Boniface heartily agrees, and half of the group becomes an upper-class posse, hell bent on revenge.  Three of the group stays behind and talks amongst themselves.  How strange!  Next scene: the hall, where Moe's still recovering from his head injury.  They all chase Moe into the basement... except McIntyre, who's apparently going to lock everybody in!  Tee hee hee.  I love it.
Next scene: the basement proper, where Moe does everything he can to keep Sitka away from him.  All he's got so far is one trash can, so it's going to be tough.  And... damn.  They caught Moe.  Well, you gotta hand it to Moe: he did it with a lot of class.  He could've run to the far corner of the basement, but that would've made the cameraman's job that much tougher.  Moe always had respect for the crew; he wasn't one of these hoidy-toidy comedy stars who didn't mingle with the commoners.
Next scene: Shemp's back in the bathroom he destroyed and, like Curly before him, he's covering the now smoothly shaped hole in the bathroom floor with a damp rug.  Much safer than, say, a well-marked barricade, dontcha think?  God bless the private sector!  In a twist on APWWG, MacDonald enters the bathroom, eager to get his stolen painting back.  Shemp says "Come and get it!" and... MacDonald's stunt double crash lands in the basement.  Moe tries in vain to accuse MacDonald, but merely rips off his cummerbund instead.  Shemp now has to deal with a gun-wielding McIntyre, who says "Drop that painting." Well, as the 2008 Joker told Batman... very poor choice of words!  MacDonald below lays the groundwork for some irony, then gets hit on the head with the pipe with the painting inside of it.  Next scene: a close-up of the pipe with a little bit of the painting sticking out one end of it.  "There it is!" screams Sitka.
Now, you'd think that this would merely make Moe and his Plumbers look more guilty, and that MacDonald will have an easy time painting that picture, so to speak, no pun intended.  Okay, maybe it was, but never mind.  As with the big climactic ending of Toy Story 2, Kelsey Grammer pulls a gun in a fit of desperation to keep his ad hoc family together.  And MacDonald, having quickly recovered from his second traumatic head injury (arguably, it was just a glancing blow from the pipe), he pulls a gun, takes the painting pipe and starts walking out of the basement like a common thief.  He must be new money too!
Now, you might be asking yourself, where's Larry in the midst of all of this?  Well, whoomp!  (Here he is)  Apparently, he got tired of digging around in the front yard, especially since nobody noticed it.  Larry accosts Dickerson, who's upstairs and watching the excitement unfold in the basement.  Dickerson gets scared (dignity re-lost) and throws a bag of flour into the air.  Apparently, he was going to hit MacDonald with it, but that just wouldn't have been as funny.  Larry with flour all over him?  Priceless.  Larry has nothing better to do, so he heads for the basement, unattuned to the bad vibes emanating from down there.
Next scene: MacDonald gives his hostages instructions, while Larry just walks right down the steps, oblivious to the gun-toting madman.  Apparently, being covered in flour has given him the confidence of a ghost!  In a moment of either bad writing or semi-divine intervention, Larry pokes MacDonald in the back, but he leaves his finger there as though it were a gun.  Semi-divine intervention.  MacDonald turns around, gets scared, screams, and falls over backwards.  Bad writing.

EPILOGUE

And so, MacDonald's in a heap on the floor, having tripped over a garbage can.  To make matters worse, he's got a bucket on his head.  Moe doesn't get as scared by flour-covered Larry as MacDonald did.  Soon after, Shemp comes down the stairs with McIntyre.  The Macs have been defeated and the painting is returned.  Moe pulls the painting out of the pipe and hands it to Symona Boniface.  "Name your reward and you shall have it," she says, caught up in the joy of the moment.  Sitka might not have been as generous, being the cost-minded one.  Shemp says "We don't want no reward, lady."  Moe takes a swing at him with the pipe, but hits what's left of the ruined plumbing instead, and the water starts flowing anew.  And thus ended the small business once known as "Day and Nite Plumbers."  The Norfleets didn't sue them for damages, but they nevertheless had to declare bankruptcy.  Maybe they can go into the private detective business instead!

Bad double bill with: A Plumbing We Will Go

Wikipedia entry for Vagabond Loafers: very educational!

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-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan