Movie review: Premium Rush

Wait a second... another actual movie!  Something's wrong here.  Something's gone terribly, terribly wrong.
Anyway, better hurry up and squeeze this one out.  Unfortunately, the latest effort from highly successful writer David Koepp died a quick death at the box office if memory serves, but he can at least get a good night's sleep knowing that it was all part of a banner year in general for Tommy Solomon of Third Rock from the Sun (the half-ass normal one), Joseph Gordon-Levitt... I'm sorry, I mean JoGoLev.  In addition to Premium Rush, the last Batman, a Spielberg movie, and a decent Bruce Willis movie for a change, Gordon-Levitt had four big-ass movies in 2012.
Now, for those of you out there who are Quicksilver loyalists, I understand your frustration, and I won't even go into the differences betwixt the two, of which there are probably a few.  But don't worry, because even though Premium Rush is mostly non-stop action, they do take some time to stop and smell the roses, or revel in being a young adrenaline junkie, which is still legal as far as I know.  He'll put on the suit someday and work in an office, Gordon-Levitt's character tells us in narration at one point.  But for now, quite the opposite.
It's your standard screenplay formula: we get an introductory episode to introduce the main characters and the basic setup... and then we get the episode that will consume the rest of the movie, like a Florida python on Grandma's cat.  We get a peek into the seamy underbelly of Chinese corruption in New York City... I think it's Chinese, anyhow.  Why they didn't get James Hong to play the big boss I'll never know.  I guess he couldn't get insurance or something.  They certainly got someone who kinda looked like him, but I... oh, dear, I better quit while I'm ahead.
Oh, and JoGoLev's character is named Wilee... yes, like Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius.  But really, he's more like the Road Runner in this particular show.  Dirty but bumbling cop Michael Shannon ends up being the Wile E. Coyote.  Some called his performance comical, but I found him to be menacing enough.  Nice to see he's a little bit animated, anyway, and not totally acting like Steven Wright as so many of his generation seem to.
As with Ghost Town, The Daily Show's Aasif Mandvi has a meaty role, this time as the dispatcher that Wilee works for.  Oh, this kid's secured his place in the industry, methinks.  His character's named Raj... wow!  What a colorful name!  I guess just calling him Aasif would've smacked of effort.  And, as with Spider Man 2, the whole movie kind of reminded me of Spider Man 2's opening scene.  The thrill of racing through city traffic, the mad attempts to make the deadline.  Wilee's main squeeze is Vanessa, played by Dania Ramirez.  Oh, she's the new J. Lo, no question.
What else?  Nothing sticks in memory's craw... okay, the part where Wilee has to calculate the best course of action in a split second... which way does he swerve and do the least damage?  That, and the zooming map of the city.  Take that, Google Earth!  Movies still kick a little ass that way.  As for what happens to the bad guy, well... I'll try not to give too much away, but as much as I booed and hissed at him, I couldn't help but think to myself... this is America, damn it.  Bad guys don't deserve to go out that way.  The slow wheels of justice!  That's the gears he should get crushed in!
Anyway, to sum up, I think this David Koepp's going to survive... why, look!  He's already hard at work on his next project: Snow White and the Huntsman Part Two!  I guess Bella Swan didn't like working with Bill Condon that much after all.  Three stars.

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Madeline Anderson

Ah, to be somebody during the 60s and 70s.  I wonder how come we don't hear about those decades so much today?  Oh well.

This is the End, Beautiful Friend

Oh, Firefox, how you toy with my emotions... okay, it's responding now.  Anyway, all of Hollywood was holding its breath, wondering if Christopher Nolan is indeed the new Steven Spielberg: is he as good of a producer as he is a director?  Will he put the asses in the seats?  Well, wonder no more, because Man of Steel is indeed #1, and there's no looking back.  We'll all be forced to re-evaluate Sucker Punch and Watchmen, probably.  What little of Sucker Punch that I saw, I couldn't help but think of the review that called it kinda boring, and Watchmen was some kind of right-wing fantasy run feverishly amok.  I knew there was trouble ahead when the character they call "The Comedian" is the guy who shot JFK.  And he's a rapist, on top of it all; then again, there was that episode of Seinfeld where that cute gymnast said that Seinfeld is "no comedian."  Trust me, you don't want to be that kind of comedian.
Where was I?  Oh, right.  Man of Steel.  Oh, I was also going to make a crack about how Russell Crowe is finally like Marlon Brando, playing the role that Brando played some 35 odd years ago.  Crowe could probably afford several Caribbean islands himself at this stage in his career, but I don't think he's gone there yet.  Yes, despite its somber mood, Superman is still box office gold.  Long live the slow and steady march of comic books and video games.  May they rule pop culture forever and ever and ever......
The other big debut this week is Seth Rogen's latest effort called This is the End, a comedy about the end of the world.  Finally!  Someone's aiming for Strangelove-ish territory in these apocalyptic-themed movies.  I understand they have an anatomically correct Devil in the movie, played by a man.  Good double bill with Watchmen, of course.  Nice to see that there's some roles left that men still get to play... oh, damn it.

Men In Black - Skyfall

Welp, it was bound to happen sooner or later, but the spectre of old age and Death has finally hit the Men in Black franchise.  Even though Rip Torn's still alive, they killed off Zed and give him a funeral at the beginning of the movie... SPOILER ALERT.  And frankly, K's looking a bit like he's about ready to stare at the stars a bit, try as he might to keep looking hip.  And, in one of several nods to the Coen brothers, Tommy Lee Jones seems to be acting a bit like he did in No Country for Old Men.
I will say up front that Men in Black 3 was more like the first installment than the second... and I couldn't help but notice that they all but skipped over Men in Black 2 in the making-of documentaries.  Surely, they could've at least showed the part with Putty?  The point being, as long as I don't think about it too much, I got good vibes off MIB3, no question.  And I should probably just end the review now.
That being said, I didn't hate it as much as the Village Voice guy did!  SHEESH!  But back to the plot.  Will Smith, aka Agent J, is having a tougher time than usual in this installment.  He finds out that, even though he's been working at MIB for quite some time now, there's still that glass ceiling that a brutha has a hard time getting through, and he usually hits it when he has to clean up one of K's old messes.  The mess is Boris the Animal, a Hannibal-esque inmate of Lunar-Max prison on the moon.  Spoiler alert: he escapes when his girlfriend pays him a visit with a cake more jiggly than she is.  Maybe I'm getting old and cynical, but as I watched Nicole Scherzinger in the making-of documentaries, Don Rickles came into my mind, and he was saying "Aw, isn't that cute?  She thinks she's the star of the picture!"  Nice to see that Sonnenfeld is not as deep into Russ Meyer territory as he used to be.  Boris escapes, kills Terry from Miller's Crossing in the process, makes his way to Earth somehow, gets a hold of a time travel device, and travels back in time to initiate a proper invasion of Earth.  And as in Timecop, J finds that MIB headquarters is a little bit different when he goes into work the next day.  And as in Back to the Future Part II, J has to travel back in time to the day before Boris does in order to foil his evil schemes.  In the film's most visually impressive sequence, New York is beset upon by several giant squid-like spaceships as Will Smith makes his jump back in time.  Almost as impressive is the process of travelling back in time.  Maybe not 2002's The Time Machine impressive, but close.  All the eras are represented: the Jurassic, 1929... but really, what more do you need than that?
As we find out, 1969 is not all fun and games.  Agent J steals a nice car and gets pulled over by 1969 cops, who are suspicious of a black man in a nice suit.  Fortunately, the neuralyzer pacifies them enough so that J can make his escape.  J eventually finds a younger K, and he does a terrible job of following the advice of the wicked fat dude that gave him the time travel device: J is not to interact with K... for fear of altering the future, or the past, or the space-time continuum as we once knew it, something like that.  Young K gets this suspicious black man back to MIB headquarters and puts him into an old giant neuralyzer... but stops at the last second.
Oh!  I know what's wrong with this one.  Nobody poked anything and said "What's this?"  The first two had that.  Also, no final visual setpiece: no giant bank of alien lockers, no view of the universe as a marble in some big-ass alien's game.  But J does run afoul of some trash cans again, so there you go.  At least one consistency between the whole trilogy.
J and young K finally team up to get Boris.  They stop at a Big Lebowski-esque bowling alley and bowl an alien's head until he agrees to talk.  They eventually locate Boris's target: an alien named Griffin played by A Serious Man's Michael Stuhlbarg.  I don't remember his eyes being that blue!  Strange.  He plays a neurotic alien that holds the key to Earth's extra-terrestrial defences: ArcNet.  The deployment of ArcNet is something that K is lovingly credited with at MIB.  Griffin is able to see into several possible futures at once... just not quickly enough to get grabbed by Boris.
As with the Batmobile in The Dark Knight, the Men in Black's car gets totaled.  But just like the Batmobile in The Dark Knight, the car is able to transform itself into a smaller transport: a monocycle just like in the second generation of Star Wars movies.  The chase is on.
When the chase ends, it's not over, of course.  We need a big finish.  MIB has a lot of exotic tools, but apparently nothing that can leave the Earth's atmosphere.  Not good for a secret organization that monitors alien activity on earth.  So how to get that damn ArcNet into space and have it deployed?  Simple.  Get it on board the iconic Apollo 11 mission to the moon... but that's in six hours!  Fortunately, the ArcNet device is very, very small, and all they have to do is practically stick it on to the rocket like a Post-It Note.
Okay, here's the one nitpick I'll share with you.  SPOILER ALERT: At a crucial moment in the big fight sequence, J uses his time travel device like the Omega 13 device.  Am I right, nerds?  Dirty pool!  Other than that, I laughed (a little girl confuses J with the president), I cried... and I couldn't help but notice that there seems to be an awful lot of extra footage that didn't make it into the actual movie itself.  Fer instance, there was a scene where Emma Thompson is speechless and confused, at least in the trailer... but I didn't see the same sequence in the movie!  Oh, and Griffin looks into the camera at the end and addresses the audience directly... just like the Stranger in The Big Lebowski.  And finally, the Geneva Conventions don't apply to certain races of aliens, like the Troglodytes... I mean, Boglodytes.  But again, to reiterate, they got the vibes right.  It's a return to movie form for Sonnenfeld and company.

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

The Case of the Missing Popcorn

Oh, this one's gonna be fun.  This is one of my childhood favourites... or maybe it was a teenage favorite.  Hard to say if it'll hold up in this, my perpetual middle-age immature state.  If I remember correctly, the Stooges play a bunch of dopey dicks again, this time investigating a string of gas station robberies.  I have a feeling that the Onion Oil Company's eventually going to find that a few robberies is a small price to pay compared to the price of the Stooges pretending to be gas station employees.

ACT ONE

Scene: the offices of Fuller Grime, General Manager of the Onion Oil Company.  He's played by Gene Roth who you might remember from... you know, that one with the watermelon papers.  Looks like ol' Pat Hingle, doesn't he?  Gene lays out the scenario for... someone or more, we don't know who yet.  He actually says "I need three brainy but stupid-looking private detectives... that is why I sent for you."  Cut to the Stooges.  You see, they've got eyes drawn on their eyelids, you see.  I'll bet that cost more and took more time and heartbreak than it should of!  Gene Roth says "GENTLEMEN!" with just a hint of that old Borscht magic in his voice.  The Stooges open their eyes proper and say good morning.  Larry just has to be different, and he says "Good morning, boss!"
Fuller Grime stands up, walks over to the Stooges and says to them, "Well, you fellas are certainly stupid-looking enough, but about being brainy detectives, well, that's open to conjecture!"  The Stooges don't understand that he's putting them down, of course, but they soldier on ahead anyway, desperate for work.  Grime interviews the Stooges separately.  Larry's up first, and he does terribly.  Moe pinches Larry's cheek and says "(That's) my partner!  Very funny!", then slaps said cheek.  I didn't even have to watch it to know that!  That's just how beloved Slaphappy Sleuths is in my household.  Now it's Moe's turn.  He makes a terrible, corny joke.  Grime rolls his eyes, it's just that bad.  Larry tries to do to Moe what Moe just did to him, but Moe's too fast and beats Larry to the punch... so to speak.  Larry stews about it a bit.
Now, some of you out there might not be aware of this, but Moe, Curly and Shemp were brothers.  For me, the only reason necessary for Shemp to take over for Curly, but I suppose some disagree with that.  I only bring that fact up because sibling rivalry is going to play a part in this next section.  It's time for Shemp to tell a joke of his own.  Of the three that the Stooges tell, Shemp's is probably the funniest, but Moe's older now and he gets exhausted much easier than when he was younger.  He doesn't let Shemp enjoy his moment in the sun for very long.  Doesn't even refer to him as a partner!  Moe just goes right ahead and stamps on Shemp's foot, the loser.  Shemp stews about it a bit.
Okay, so the Stooges have all gotten hurt at this point.  Why, Moe's hand must be throbbing from all the asses he's had to kick!  Now, you might be asking yourself... but The Movie Hooligan!  What about Fuller Grime?  When is it his turn to get the Stooge treatment?  Fortunately, the filmmakers have a plan.  But for the kind of thing they have in store for Fuller Grime, well, you can't just rush into something like that.  You gotta build up to it.  And screenwriters past, present and future, it's time once again for y'all to pay attention to how the experts do it.  First, Fuller Grime gives the Stooges a list of their latest gas station robberies.  He then looks for another report.  Notice he doesn't sit down in his chair.  It'll come up later.  And so, Moe and Larry study the list that Grime gave them, freeing up Shemp to pursue his own deviltries.  In this case, the poor bastid's got something stuck in his teeth.  Must've been eating at Canter's for lunch again.  The street-wise Shemp reaches for a switchblade knife in his pocket.  He has a rare moment of clarity, as they call it, because he realizes he's trying to pick something out of his teeth with A KNIFE.  Time for Plan B.  He needs a toothpick and fast... but where?  Well, he's got the knife.  That can turn just about anything into a toothpick!  Looking down at the table before him, Shemp is struck by the muse of mischief.  He begins to cut a piece of the table off, and whittle it down to a point worthy of a toothpick.  Oh, that's a one-take kinda deal right there...
Meanwhile, while all this is going on, Moe's studying the list of gas station robberies with a surprised look on his face.  The look doesn't change, but he does become aware of what Shemp's up to.  Lol.  Shemp whittles the hunk of wood down to a point, and Moe and Larry watch as small bits of wood fly off as Shemp whittles.  Well, Moe, anyway.  Shemp begins to pick his teeth, notices he's being rather intensely scrutinized by his co-horts, then tries in vain to look like he's doing something else.  LOL.
Moe carefully picks up the piece of wood that Shemp's been whittling.  Now, this is the real deal, so it's not like he's going to hit Shemp with a foam rubber power tool or something.  Ever the professional, Moe jabs Shemp in the face with his fist, with the pointed end of the stick safely in Moe's fist.  A couple inches the wrong way, and Shemp would have a hole in his cheek!  Shemp starts to fold up his knife to put it away, but it's too late.  Moe scolds Shemp for fooling around with a knife, then Moe casually tosses the knife into the air.  Where it lands, he obviously doesn't care.  At this point... BOOM!!!!  Yup, Grime's got Shemp's knife in his ass.  Usually others are spared the Stooges' collateral damage, at least in the First Act of these things... but not this time.  The game's irrevocably changed, and the Stooges have to try and nurse Grime back to normal glute health.  No dice, however.  The damage is done.  Larry tells Grime "Go sit down... uh, stand up."  Grime limps off camera.
Moe's got Shemp's knife now, and it's time for a glute for a glute... but something's wrong.  The knife's not going in!  Shemp's smiling... and we soon find out why.  Why, Shemp's got a plate in his ass!  A dinner plate, to be exact, not a metal plate like some guys get in their heads.  Shemp hands the plate to Moe as though Moe's been hypnotized.  I read someplace that this sequence is based on an old Vaudeville routine.  Look!  Shemp thinks he's Harpo!  He takes a sandwich and some potato chips out of his pockets... this could go on for years!
Remember what I said about Moe being hypnotized?  Well, he comes out of it here.  This is why Moe would make a lousy butler.  Moe breaks the plate over Shemp's face, and Shemp's be-ketchuped lunch lies in ruins.  Larry takes Shemp's side for once on this one.  For that mild insurrection, Moe wipes off some of the stuff on Shemp's face... then slaps Larry with it.  Larry's not at all happy about that.  They wait a little too long for the laugh (lol), and then Moe grabs some noses and drags his fellow Stooges into the next scene.  Not quite like Thicker Than Water, but it's more of a metaphorical drag, really.
Next scene: it feels a little too early for Act Two, but it probably starts here.  We're now at an Onion Oil Company gas station, and the inmates are running the asylum... I mean, the Stooges are posing as attendants.  And if you notice, the director does a real fancy shot here.  We dolly back, and the camera was in-between two of the pumps!  That's the whole budget right there.  No escaping the camera's shadow in tight quarters like that.  And yes, note the low, low prices.  Well, America's financial cholesterol was much lower back then, and thirty cents a gallon was about $4.00 in 1950s America.  Time to kill some time as we focus on each of the three pumps, and each of the Stooges, who have comedy slogans on their backs.
And now... time for their first victim... I mean, customer.  They get in private investigator mode, thinking the guy's a crook.  Of course, after what the Stooges do to this guy, you'll wonder who's the real criminals.

ACT TWO

Oh, I almost can't bear to call the play-by-play on this one.  Customer #1: it's Emil Sitka!  If he's a criminal, he must've just robbed a bank, because he's not taking very good care of his car.  The Stooges go up to Sitka and start grooming him.  Shemp does Sitka's shoes, Larry's on fingernail duty, and Moe starts combing Sitka's unruly head of hair.
At this point, Moe starts applying the shaving cream.  The squeamish among you might want to skip this part entirely... okay, I think it's safe now.  After a delightful play on the names of the gasolines, the boys get to work on the car for a change.  How can they screw this one up, you ask?  Oh, just you wait.  While Shemp goes to work on the radiator, Moe starts to clean the windshield... or rather, the space where there should be one.  It ends up like this scene from Corny Casanovas.
And now... back to Shemp.  As you might already know, one of the staples of Stooge comedy is putting two things together that are not at all alike, but are in similar containers.  Most famously, gasoline in a ketchup bottle.  Here they have... well, I hate to spoil it.  Okay... SPOILER ALERT.  They have popcorn next to the stop leak.  Shemp doesn't even have Moe as the impetus this time to make the mistake!  And so, as though it's out of the Bible... in goes the popcorn into Sitka's radiator.  Also part of God's plan, Shemp gets a water hose to fill up the radiator, but no water flows from it!  If the popcorn got all wet, why, that wouldn't be funny at all.  Shemp's face gets wet instead, though.  And the Devil seems to have hardened Shemp's grip on the hose, because Shemp gets his face a little bit wetter than it should be.
Now you think, after all Sitka's been through, and given all that's yet to come, you'd think he'd be a little bit pissed off and call his lawyer at the very least.  But God has apparently softened Sitka's heart, and strangely enough, when the popped corn starts erupting from the car... he doesn't mind!  He puts down his cigarette and fills his hat to the brim with the stuff until it runneth over, for Christ's sake!  Look at that foolish grin on his face!  Shemp gets a popcorn beard, lol.  Somehow it looks like the prop department had to rig it a little bit.  Shemp gets a handful of popcorn and puts motor oil on it, of course.
Of course, even as childish as Shemp is, this popcorn thing has gone far enough.  He's got some professional pride, and he covers up the radiator to stem the flow of popcorn.  But alas, the force of the popcorn is too great.  It will not be denied, and though Shemp has closed one door on it, there's another window of opportunity.  And so, with Larry by the tailpipe, it's his turn to feast on the car's unanticipated harvest.  But the Fun Police are always on the watch, making sure no one has too much fun in this life.  In this instance, Moe notices what's going on, runs up and gives Lawrence a good swift kick in his posterior.  Lawrence leaves, then Moe notices the popcorn... seriously?  Moe leans down to get a mouthful of his own, but alas, he was too late, and the once bountiful corn has now dried up.  "How do you like that?" cries Moe to the heavens above.  He taps the tailpipe seven times, then gets two facefuls of soot.  Larry makes his usual racist joke about it, then gets back to overinflating Sitka's rear driver-side tire.  Time to eat up some time!  It's like a train wreck, isn't it, folks? ...ah!  There it goes.
And so, with Sitka's car all but completely ruined, Larry tells Sitka to "take it away."  But, surely there's one more thing the Stooges can do to totally f... mess up Sitka's car?  Only time will tell.  Meantime, Sitka asks Shemp to crank the car.  That's right, it's that old of a car.  Shemp obliges, but there's a problem... Shemp tries again, giving it a really hard yank, and then BOOM!  The engine explodes, and the car's hood goes flying into the air.  Oh, nice going, Sitka!  You almost KILLED Shemp in that explosion!  Good thing he was hunched down behind the hood!  The Stooges could've sued your ass over that, Sitka!  Geez.  Oh well.  But I'll tell you one thing about these Stooge films: the karma wheel turns fast in them.  Remember that hood flying up in the air?  Well, it comes back down... and right smack dab on Sitka's head.  Take that, Sitka, you jerk!  The nerve of that guy.  In his dazed state, Sitka violently pushes the hood in the back seat, honks the horn and just drives right off, nearly killing Shemp a second time.  Get that guy's number!  Larry runs to Shemp's aid, and cross-fade to next scene.
Next scene: the Stooges spent some time cleaning up all the excess popcorn.  And once again, their feeble attempts at pomp and circumstance end up ruining everything.  Larry does a right face and ends up hitting Moe in the head with his shovel.  Moe hits them both with his broom, and Shemp and Larry trip over their containers of popcorn, and the popcorn ends up on the dirty, dirty pavement once again.
Cross-fade to next scene: customer #2 pulls up, and as you can see, there was no time to clean up the popcorn a second time.  LOL.  The Stooges start to give these guys the full treatment, but the guy's an alpha male and isn't having any of that crap.  "I need an oil change and I'm in a terrible hurry," he says.  The man is played by Stanley Blystone, and he did a total of 16 films with the Stooges... well, with Moe Howard, anyway, according to this fancy IMDb feature.  God bless the IMDb!  After this one, he's got two others yet to do: A Missed Fortune and Of Cash and Hash.  The moll seems to be that delectable French-Canadian gal Nanette Bordeaux.  If I remember correctly, she says she'll distract the boys, but she doesn't seem to get a chance to do that too much.
Next part: now, Larry's under the car at this point, and he says a bunch of technical car stuff.  All I know is... the dude's gonna so get soaked in oil.  I mean, let's face it!  Incidentally, that's where he gets the lion's share of the stuff... on his face!  He quickly crawls out from under the car and gets some on his uniform.  You know, just for good measure.  Well!  Who's singing Mammy now, b'atch?
Next scene: Blystone's got the loot and quickly gets back in the car.  The crooks take off... now, screenwriters, time to take note again.  Moe makes a sweeping gesture with his arm, and boom!  He ends up looking at an empty cash register.  Now that's writing.  Simple, efficient, keep the story moving.
Time for the boys to change into their snazzy detective duds.  Larry strips down to his p.j.s and washes his face with gasoline.  You know, to get the chocolate sauce off... I mean, motor oil.  And just as Homer followed the "yellow drip road" to the Stone Cutter's secret compound, so too will the Stooges follow a trail of leaking fluid to the criminals' hideout.  That is, if they can even get out the frickin' door...

ACT THREE

"Okay, bloodhound!  Follow the trail!" Moe tells Shemp.  Shemp's down on all fours, following the oil trail as though he's a dog.  Yeah.  Great... whoa!  Just turned into Denis Leary there for a second!  And look!  The popcorn on the ground serves a purpose after all!
Cross-fade to next scene: the trail of oil is now indoors in yet another hallway.  Thank goodness this is a case that's easy enough for the Stooges to solve.  The Stooges get to the door.  They double-check the trail of oil, look at the door, and do a massive double take.  You know, in case there's some really slow people in the audience.  "How'd they get the car in there?" asks Moe.  That mystery will just have to wait for now.  There's bad guys to be apprehended!  Moe looks through the keyhole.  Next scene: the view through the "keyhole."  Blystone's busy counting the Benjamins, and the rolls of coins... still a small timer.  Sad.  Blystone sneezes, but it sounds like an old sneeze that somebody recorded a long time ago.  Actually, it kinda sounds like the sneeze from It's A Gift!  You know, the one where W. C. Fields spits a grape in Baby LeRoy's eye... oh, it was just that bad.  The things that awful, awful man got away with.  What will our grandchildren say?  Shemp says "Gezundheit!", of course.  Blystone says "Thank you"... then does a massive double take of his own.  The other, non-Shemp Stooges try to cover Shemp's word hole in vain, but it's too late.  The damage is done.  Moe goes back to the keyhole and sees that Blystone has stopped counting his ill-gotten gains, and has now reached for his gun and is headed for the door.
"Give him the door treatment!" says Moe.  This "door treatment" consists of Moe and Larry saying "Nyaah nyaah!" to the guy.  But where's Shemp in the midst of all this childishness?  Well, he lifts up Blystone's pant leg and bites him on said leg, that's where!  Well, you can't argue with results!  Blystone yelps with pain and throws his gun high into the air.  The gun rising and falling gets its own shot, for Christ's sake!  With Blystone subdued, the Stooges drag his sorry ass back inside.
Next scene: inside, where we see the car in the room.  Lol.  They sit Blystone in a chair, and Moe gives him a fresh dose of, er, "anesthetic."  They then look around the room, and the camera dollies after them.  We dwell briefly on the wall of "burglar tools."  Okay, those keys in the center look kind of suspicious, but the rest of the tools look relatively normal to me.  I mean, they ain't got no Slim Jim, for one!  They seem mostly like woodworking tools.  Just shows to go ya!  Their production designer's kinduva square.  Anyway, back to the action.  The Stooges turn away from the tools, when suddenly... the other door in the room opens.  In comes Nanette Bordeaux and two thugs.  "Get them, boys!" she tells them.  And, once again, you'll have to suspend your disbelief and presume that the Stooges, as old as they were when this was made, could beat up anybody besides themselves.  Larry goes to work pounding the crap out of one guy all by himself, lol.  The bad guy tries to punch Larry, but Larry ducks out of the way at the last possible second and decks Nanette Bordeaux instead.  She falls into a chair behind her... that's about as chivalrous as this flick is going to get.  And then, the next scene... Larry stumbles over to the tool table and uses psychological tactics to defeat his guy.  It's the saddest thing I've ever seen.  I think I'll just skip over it entirely.  Needles to say, it's too early in the film for a Stooge victory just yet.  Screenwriters take note: do a better job than this when padding out the running time of your films.
Next scene: it's one bad guy taking on two Stooges at the same time.  It's brutality incarnate.  And DOWN GOES SHEMP!  Now it's all Moe can do to use his jaw to wear down the bad guy's fists.  The bad guy slugs Moe in the gut, and Moe slumps over.  The bad guy then punches Moe in the jaw, and Moe's head rises up and hits the bad guy in the jaw with his cranium... thereby knocking out the bad guy.  It could happen!  The two then slump down together, back to back, just like Forrest Gump and Ben Blue on that one rainy night in the jungles of North Carolina... I mean, Vietnam.
In the midst of all this unconsciousness, Shemp comes to.  "I gotta find that dough," he says, shaking his head to full awakedness.  Just then, the guy that was working Moe over real good comes to soon after, and begins quietly stalking Shemp.  The guy goes over and grabs a pitcher of water.  He throws it at Shemp... apparently, the Stooges' tactics rub off on others just that easily.  "NOOO!!" cries Shemp as he ducks out of the pitcher's path.  The pitcher ends up hanging over Blystone's head and dumping water on him... thereby causing him to wake up.
Let's just stop a minute and dwell on this unique moment in Stooge short history.  See, usually what happens is a Stooge is thrown against the wall and knocked unconscious by a vase or something else held aloft.  This may be the only time when something's thrown against the wall that ends up knocking someone back into consciousness.  I'm just saying.  Screenwriters, take note.  Especially you, J. J. Abrams.  This is how you pay homage to a series' rich history!
Okay, back to the action.  So, that's two guys that are now conscious, and just one Stooge.  Which leads to... no.  They wouldn't.  They're not that desperate.  Oh, I'm afraid they are.  It's time for the two-guys-in-one-coat fight sequence again.  You seen it in Crash Goes the Hash and... something else.  Calling All Curs, maybe... okay, maybe they haven't done it in a while, but that gag's still got whiskers on it.  Time to kill some time!  It's at this point when Nanette Bordeaux wakes up... only to get punched again by one of her own.  We get a better close-up of her passed out in the chair.  As you can tell, this film was made by a bunch of guys.  But you never know!  Jane Campion or Catherine Breillat might do the same thing.  Shemp finishes off Blystone with a few slow-motion punches... oh, wait!  They were in real time!  It's like watching a zombie fist fight, I tells ya.  Shemp ends up kicking Blystone over to the tool table.
Now, despite what the millions of critics of the Bush Administration will tell you (and I'm one of them!!), torture usually works in a Stooge film.  Especially when they got your head in a vice!  Moe loads Blystone's head into the vice proper, and Larry does the tightening.  Shemp subdues the other bad guy that he was working on and goes over to join the fun... I guess Larry killed the guy he was fighting with!  Blystone eventually spills the beans, saying "It's in the basket under the table."  See, the Stooges might have found the loot if they just looked around the room a little bit, but what's the point of that?  This isn't an actual mystery!  Moe thanks Blystone by pulling his head out of the vice with a crowbar under his nose.  Moe keeps the crowbar under Blystone's nose until Shemp hits Blystone on the head with the bag of coins.  Why, there must be about thirty dollars' worth of quarters in there!  All worth the effort.

EPILOGUE

Signed, sealed and delivered.  Well, two out of three anyway.  Moe places a call to... to Fuller Grime, I guess.  He says "We got the robbers signed and sealed, and we'll deliver 'em to the cops in a little while!  G'bye!"  Note that the telephone is on the "burglar tools" table.  That's how the real burglars get you these days: over the phone... or through email, more like it.  Reminds me of the time I went for one of those Facebook scams; I thought I was getting chips for Zynga Poker... well, anyway, back to the Stooges.  Moe finishes his phone call.  We cut over to the couch, where the four bad guys are passed out... or are they?  Blystone starts to come to, but Shemp's on "anesthetic" duty, and he gives Blystone another meeting with Dr. Bag of Coins to the head.  Oh, it's like a Whack-a-Mole game, but with crooks instead of... does Nanette Bordeaux have a black eye?  Kinda looks like it!  Oh, that's not nice.  Moe runs over to Blystone.  In his confusion and excitement, Shemp revs up, hitting Larry with the coins, then hits Moe on the head.
And so, the score is Unconscious: 6, Conscious: 1.  Giving in to peer pressure, Shemp smites himself on the head with the coins.  I suppose it's a bit late for me to be complaining about such things, but is THIS the kind of lesson we want to teach our kids?  If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?  What is this b.s.?  Oh well.  Slaphappy Sleuths was a childhood favourite, maybe an adolescent one as well.  I'm curious now to see if Joe Besser is put in a similar situation.  He'd probably wuss out.

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Rollercoaster Rascals

Sigh.  Changing of the guard.  According to Wikipedia, Jack Mercer officially takes over here as the voice of Popeye with King of the Mardi Gras.  It's undisputed, but we'll get to the disputed ones soon enough, and I will decide who does the voice.  Yeah, you heard me...........

ACT ONE

Dayamn!  An exact replica, practically!  For those of you old timers who remember the Roger Rabbit cartoon from 1990 called Rollercoaster Rabbit.. poor Steven Spielberg, he has to peddle it for free on the YouTubes.  Anyway, these two have similar opening scenes, but I think the Fleischer version kicks more ass, don't you folks?  Check out that 3D rollercoaster, for God's sake!  ...oh, and try to ignore the racist caricature of a black guy with a balloon-like face holding a balloon with a face on it.  It might be hard to do, I know.  But isn't that a silly gag?  Guys with weird heads holding balloons that look like normal human heads in comparison... oh, never mind... oh, for God's sake!  They repeat him!  Otherwise, an epic opening scene, and I don't use the word lightly.  Let's see Disney do something that good!
Anyway, as we scroll through this festive 3D stereoscopic background, we get to the Bluto part of the fair.  Apparently, this all takes place in Louisiana... or maybe it's Coney Island, I honestly don't know.  We focus on Bluto's banner.  It says "Bluto the Great," of course.  His shtick this time is that he walks a wire, swallows twenty knives... and dives 100 feet into a thimbleful of water while shaving at the same time!  Lol.  At some point, these acts of showmanship went too far and were called off entirely.  But for now, it's the cartoons and anything's possible.
We scroll to the right over to Bluto proper.  In addition to all the other stuff, he's a song and dance man as well!  Time for a rousing rendition of "King of the Mardi Gras" courtesy of the great Gus Wickie.  I swear he's done work for the Fleischers before in other capacities.  I'm thinking of Bimbo's Initiation in particular... ah, skip it.  Anyway, back to the action.  After Bluto sings a few bars, we scroll over to the right some more, where we see Popeye's part of the fair.  Clearly, Bluto has the hearts and minds, including Olive Oyl.  Popeye sings his same old boring theme song, then wonders why nobody cares.  Poor Popeye.  You'll bring 'em back around, I'm sure.  Popeye's got Wimpy for an assistant... at least, as long as Popeye can bring home the bacon to add to Wimpy's hamburgers.  Wimpy would change loyalties in a New York heartbeat, of course.
Back to Bluto, ever the consummate showman.  He takes an egg out of his pocket, bounces it around on his biceps (take that, Michael Moschen!), and eventually cracks the damn egg over his own head!  Raw egg runs down Bluto's face and everything!  However, he does eventually wipe it away, and then he shows the audience his bitchin' chest tattoo.  It starts off as a mouse, but he's able to turn it into an elephant.  There's an irony there someplace.  Maybe the tattoo will eventually get an identity crisis and get scared of itself.
Popeye's had enough.  Time for HIM to sing "King of the Mardi Gras."  Clearly he's spoiling for a fight, and I think Bluto's probably going to give him one.  Notice that Popeye's stage seems to be an old door propped up on barrels.  Lol.  Popeye shows off the tattoo on his back of a battleship.  Back to Bluto who looks at Popeye with anger.  "Trying to steal my show, eh?" Bluto mumbles... I think.  Why, Popeye's worse than Milton Berle!  Bluto picks up a dumbbell and heaves it at Popeye's back.  Now a move like that might kill you and me, and Popeye does seem a little taken aback, but ultimately he's okay... but his tattoo unfortunately doesn't survive the impact.  Bluto has a nice laugh over it, anyway.  And if THAT ain't an Act break, why, I don't know what is.

ACT TWO

"Look closely, folks!" says Bluto, drawing the crowd's attention back to himself and away from Popeye.  Now that's showmanship... I guess.  Bluto says "Hocus pocus!" and makes a goldfish bowl appear from thin air.  He then makes a stick appear, and he balances the goldfish bowl with the stick on the end of his nose.  Then, he juggles two sets of three balls with both hands.  The crowd erupts with applause.  Yeah, yeah, very impressive... when does he swallow the knives?
"What a man!  What a man!" says Olive.  Oh, it's time for Popeye to retaliate, no doubt about it... you know what?  What Popeye does is so lame and petty in comparison, I'm not even going to bother to describe it.  Needles to say, he sabotages Bluto's act, and the crowd starts laughing at Bluto rather than riding Popeye out of town on a rail.  That's loyalty for ya!  Sheesh!!!
The crowd goes over to Popeye.  Now it's Popeye's turn to be the entertainer.  "Uh, would you mind stepping up here, young man?" Popeye mumbles to Wimpy.  Jack Mercer seems to be saying it as though he's doing a bad ventriloquism act!  Lol.  Yeah, yeah, Popeye's great and all.  He lifts Wimpy and the chair he's sitting in with one hand, and with one corn cob pipe.  Somehow, Popeye just doesn't have the same sense of showmanship that Bluto has, but the crowd is now in Popeye's corner and they applaud, of course.
For Popeye's next trick, he requires the services of a young lady from the audience.  At this crucial juncture, Bluto tries to fight back on a level playing field.  He takes a snake out of its basket and ties a snake tie around his neck.  The snake starts strangling him, but no one cares!  Man, but Coney Island audiences are tough.  Back to Popeye, already phoning it in with Olive "floating" in the air.  He even does the same lame hoop move!  Lol.  And yet, the Fleischers aren't notorious for giving away the magician's trade secrets.  We pan slightly down to see that Olive's resting atop a platform.  First of all... ah, skip it.  Back to Bluto who uses the same snake as a lasso to steal Olive back for himself.  Time to saw a woman in half.
Back to Popeye... hmm!  His stage looks a little different... he's going to smash it, isn't he?  He IS!  I knew it.  Time to save Olive from that crazed, desperate impresario called Bluto.  Spoiler alert: Olive isn't a consummate professional like Bluto, and she ruins the illusion.  And at the crucial moment, too!  Oh well.  Bluto has a good laugh anyway.  The audience... well, this audience is a lost cause at this point, IMHO.
Popeye takes Bluto's stage and says "Gimme me goil!"  Oh, men and their turf.  Bluto punches Popeye, and Olive hits Bluto over the head with the other half of the box that was still on her.  Olive takes off running without her shoes.  Bluto gives chase, as does Popeye.  We see Olive running desperately away with no shoes like a chicken.  She eventually comes to the rollercoaster, and climbs aboard the nearest empty car in order to get away from Bluto.  Oh, it's indeed time for Act Three.

ACT THREE

All three of the principals are now riding on the "Scenic Railway."  "Nobody's gonna take my girl for a ride!" says Popeye as he also illegally climbs aboard, right after Bluto.  Next scene: the three principals each fly past the "camera" in their coaster cars.  Next scene: we follow Olive alone for a while as she goes down a giant rollercoaster hill in agony, and with no shoes to boot.
Next scene: we see a rather rickety section of track that shimmies as each of the three principal cars passes.  Lol.  Next scene: a section of track that's arranged in such a way that Bluto's able to get in one punch at Popeye.  Lol.  He'll pay for it later, of course.  Popeye catches his pipe in midair.  Next scene: an ode to M.C. Escher's mobius strip, perhaps?  Next scene: Bluto punches Popeye AGAIN!  Oh, that's just mean.  Next scene: an homage to A Dream Walking... oh, I think you know the part I mean... but here's the link anyway.  Boy, what is it with the Fleischers and the Star of David?
Next scene: Bluto decides to play dirty.  He gets out of his car at the top of a crest and punches Popeye in his car as he approaches.  Popeye goes flying, presumably to his death, but lands in a car far below.  He might be in traction for a while at least.  Olive comes up behind Bluto and gives Bluto a good kick that sends him flying rather far!  Who knew she was so strong?  "Get lost!" she says.  But as in Axe Me Another, it's all a ruse to get Bluto and Popeye close together.  They end up in the same car, and a mild Fist Tornado breaks out as they speed downhill.  Alas, Popeye hasn't eaten his spinach yet, and Bluto gets the better of him with a solid punch.  Popeye goes flying.  Next scene: it's a little hard to describe simply, but I'll do my best.  Popeye falls, and gets lodged in a section of track with just his head sticking up.  Bluto's car rolls over him, but Popeye's able to duck his head down just in time.  Then another car swooshes past, but Popeye ducks his head down.  Hmm!  This might make it tough for him to eat some spinach!  Fortunately for Popeye, there's a space where no cars are threatening to run over his head, so out comes the spinach.  Popeye doesn't make any radical chewing noises or anything, unfortunately, but the transformation begins in proper.
Now that he's all jacked up on spinach, it's time for some red hot revenge.  But how?  Using his creativity and light fingers, Popeye takes the wheels of the chain that were once next to his head.  Hey, if the management of the place has a problem with that, where were they when Popeye could've used their help?  Screw those guys.  And so, with a mere two wheels to aid him, Popeye sticks the wheels into his shoes, turning himself into his own rollercoaster car.  Off he goes to kick Bluto's ass and save Olive's sorry ass.
Next scene: All right, enough of that "3-D" stuff; time for a long shot.  Even when all jacked-up on spinach, there's some things Popeye still can't quite do.  But he eventually gets over the one hill, then completely jumps a gap between two using all that potential energy saved up.  And then... now that's a Mobius strip!  After blowing our minds, time to catch up to Bluto and kick his ass.  And now Popeye's within range.  And it figures; he's closing in on Bluto while on an especially wavy part of the rollercoaster's track.  You know, just to make it more difficult.  And as with Wimpy in the chair, Popeye holds aloft the car with Bluto in it.  Popeye has to maintain his center of gravity during this part... here's the similar sequence from Roller Coaster Rabbit.
And then... Popeye throws Bluto's cart, and it goes falling through the atmosphere!  It lands on a track and keeps going, but still... unbecoming of a movie hero, I'm afraid.  Next scene: Popeye's at ground level now.  Bluto's approaching, so Popeye takes the piece of track that Bluto's on, rips it from its place, and flicks it like a piece of carpet.  Bluto goes flying all the way back up to the top of the crest, riding the wave that Popeye made.  Bluto loses his car and goes flying all the way back down to Popeye.  At just the right moment, Popeye punches Bluto and Bluto goes flying.  Revenge officially achieved.  Bluto lands head first on one of those damn Test Your Strength games that always seems to be in these shorts.  The dial hits the bell three times, so the vendor puts three cigars in Bluto's mouth.  I don't know if it's a testament to Popeye's strength or Bluto's bulk.  Maybe both.

EPILOGUE

So, where's Olive in the midst of all this madness, you might ask?  Well, here she comes!  She's approaching the spot where Popeye first dismounted, and Popeye has to catch her car as it goes flying off the track.  Oh, that's a violation.  A clear violation of federal and Coney Island statutes and limitations.  They gotta shut that damn place down right now and fix that.  Totally fix that... sorry, forgot to take my anti-histrionics.  But I just hate things like that that can get non-cartoon people killed.  And so, with Olive saved, Popeye sings his same old tired theme song, but this time he declares himself King of the Mardi Gras instead.
Final verdict?  Oh, I don't know.  Not bad, but not four stars.  Maybe I'm just not in the right mood or something.  Let's call it three and a half.

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - George Amponsah

Well, he's done three documentaries so far, according to his IMDb page.  They all seem to have a common locale... but he's not afraid to stretch himself a little, doubling as a cinematographer occasionally for his fellow filmmakers.  If he can't be more prolific, let's all hope he's at least happy and not stuck in his own private Bukom.

E for Ethan Hawke

Oh, right.  Shirking my duties again.  Well, the only new debuts this week are a horror film called The Purge, and a horror film about getting older called The Internship.  I guess Larry Page and Sergey Brin aren't that rich after all; I thought for sure they'd spend a billion apiece on tickets!  Wouldn't that be something?  To hear that on the news?  "The Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson comedy The Internship made two billion and change this weekend..."  Nope, no dice.
Meanwhile, it's ennui, ennui, ennui at the box office.  After Earth is after the #10 spot, and should reach that in a couple weeks.  Star Trek Into Darkness crossed the $200 million mark, ho hum.  No wonder there's all these news stories about the new Star Wars movie!  If Star Trek  were doing better, they'd be talking about it.  But I think this J. J. Abrams youngster's going to make out all right, and in the end, isn't that what really matters?

Spinach Can Wait

We start with a slow-tempo version of Popeye's theme, and then... into a different song!  They like doing that kind of thing.  Time for the next short called You Gotta Be a Football Hero.

ACT ONE

Zoom in on an oddly-shaped football stadium.  It's almost shaped like a football cut in half, I dare say!  Cut to the audience cheering.  Popeye and Olive have great seats, right in front.  At least, it'll make it easy for Popeye when he starts playing.  For now, Popeye is unimpressed, while Olive is cheering away.
And now, here comes the "home team," led onto the field by Bluto, of course.  And he's followed by 14 beefy guys as big as he is!  Good Lord.  Where do they come from?  Probably the Midwest.  Olive calls to Bluto, and Bluto takes a little time out to flirt with Olive.  Popeye finally has a reason to pay attention, and he tries to push Bluto away.  Bluto throws the football at Popeye's head.  It bounces off Popeye's head and back into Bluto's hand.  Oh, the humiliation.  Olive's wearing a collegiate fur coat; must be cold out!  Bluto gives Popeye a good shove and helps Olive out of the stands and onto the field proper.  Meanwhile, Popeye has to struggle to get a chair off his head.  He eventually does.  Popeye stands up, notices that Olive's gone, and his pipe promptly empties its putrid contents right there in the stands.  I think Olive made the right choice, what do you think?
It gets worse.  Now Popeye can't find Olive, so he calls to her.  Where did Olive go?  Cut to the home team huddling on the field.  The huddle opens up to reveal Olive in the middle of it.  She's now dressed in a cheerleader's outfit, and she tries to lead the crowd in a rousing rendition of the song "You Gotta Be a Football Hero."  Sadly, she seems to be the only one singing.  Popeye plays staccato notes on his pipe and, as is usually the case, it signifies a deep dissatisfaction with what things have become.  After Olive finishes her song, Popeye's pipe twirls and he says ... I think he says "I takes that from no woman!"  Popeye's feeling a little underappreciated right now.
Time for the visiting team to make their debut.  They're a sad collection of scrawny guys, led by J. Wellington Wimpy, eating a burger as usual.  Note the concession stand on the field, lol.  So not only is the visiting team outnumbered 14 to 11, they're outnumbered in sheer size by at least three to one!  Inspired, Popeye jumps onto the field and runs past Olive to register to be in the game.  Well, it was a simpler time in the '30s, and these registrations were processed a lot more quickly back then.

ACT TWO

Next scene: cross-fade to the visiting team's huddle, where Popeye is revealed at the center of it.  They've at least got their game faces on, and Popeye has become the proverbial 11th man... I hate to jump right to the moral of the story, but it seems to be that it's not always the right thing to do to support your home team, especially if they're a bunch of homewrecking, overweight tubs of... anyway, Olive leads a pro-Bluto cheer, which begat Chris Van Allsburg's The Z was Zapped.  Popeye looks on with disgust, blows his pipe twice, then says "Let's go!" like Nelson Muntz.  Olive finally realizes that Popeye's on the opposing team and gets worried.  "Who let that guy in here?" says Bluto... something like that.  And as YouTube's srw6666 points out, Bluto's mouth says "It's Popeye!" even though it's Olive's voice.  But, to be fair, Olive's head is turned away from the "camera" so maybe they're both saying the line together.  Actors do that sometimes.  For example, you know that clip of the Gap Girls that they always show where Chris Farley grabs David Spade's throat and bellows "LAY OFF MAN, I'M STARVING!" ?  Spade mouths the "I'm starving" part as well.  An even more obscure example: I think it was on the delightful Mad About You show.  There's a part where Carroll O'Connor and Carol Burnett are sitting at a table.  And then, all of a sudden, Carol screams "This is a NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  If you watch Carroll's... I mean, O'Connor's mouth, he mouths the word "nightmare" at the same time Burnett screams.  That's what you get when everyone knows the same script.  But back to the Popeye cartoon, for once.
Bluto's troops head for the field, trampling Olive in the process.  Olive hasn't had enough yet, obviously.  And so, the teams line up on the field.  The referee blows the whistle, but takes the same big inhale before doing so that Popeye often does.
Bluto's team kicks the ball to Popeye's team.  Well, there's one thing in Popeye's favor at this point: he may be outnumbered and know nothing about football, but Bluto's team's got terrible shoes.  And, as earlier in the stands, Popeye catches the football with his face, but this time with his hands.  Popeye takes off.  Next scene: Popeye's shuffling down the field.  Lol.  But because he's running in a straight line, it makes him an easy target, and he's quickly tackled by several members of Bluto's team... maybe all of them, actually!  It should be noted here that the animation isn't actually a Fleischer 3D stereoscopic background, but a simple effect of lines drawn to look 3D... I say simple, but who knows how many animators slaved away on it.  Here's an example of more slave work from the Looney Tunes cartoon they call Fox Pop.  Why, I bet even PETA might like that one!
Anyway, back to the game.  Bluto's team disperses... but where's Popeye?  As it turns out, he was so flattened by the home team that the ground left no trace of him whatsoever.  It's all Popeye can do to dig himself out and return to the earth's surface in an unconscious state.  Wimpy seems to run to Popeye's aid, lol.  Sorry... SPOILER ALERT.
Slow wipe to next scene.  Now Bluto's team has the ball.  At the huddle, Bluto's players are revving themselves up with their fists.  Bluto, the quarterback, gets the ball and charges forward.  Bluto's players all punch the visiting team's players, who all fall unconscious to the ground.  There's still some players left on the visiting team to be slugged, however, and Bluto promptly takes care of them... is the quarterback allowed to do that?  Hey, the same 2.5D animation in reverse!  Kewl.  Popeye's revving himself up at the other end of the field, preparing to take on Bluto... actually, he looks like he's getting ready to wrestle Bluto in the ring.  Bluto quickly sends Popeye flying and... well, this one I'm not going to spoil.  Needles to say, it doesn't end well for Popeye who ends up getting repeatedly punched in the face by Bluto.  Olive cheers, the turncoat... just checked the instant replay, and apparently Bluto was using his elbows.  So, that's okay!  Olive cheers, and then we see a mountain of wriggling humanity in the middle of the field... but wait!  What's this?  Popeye emerges from the wreckage and heads down the field with something under his arm!  You could be cynical and guess that it's probably not exactly the football... and then, Popeye gets tackled again.  I don't know how much more of this abuse he can take.
And then... Popeye's on the move again!  He's a quick learner, anyhow, and he's able to not get tackled so easily this time as he heads down the field again, doing that same stupid run of his.  And then... POW!  Oh yeah.  He gets tackled again.  Bluto steps on Popeye's head as he gets up, of course.  Wimpy makes a second appearance much like he did earlier, only faster.  Dayamn!  Did you see that fat boy run?
Popeye picks himself up off the field again.  He's almost at the breaking point, you see.  Next scene: no cross-fade to the next down.  Popeye's made a full recovery and is getting ready to hike.  Bluto's thugs are revving up their fists again and... WHAM!  Oh, that was dirty pool.  But the audience nor the referees seem to care.  Oh, it's spinach time.

ACT THREE

Hmmm!!... I'm sorry, I mean Hmm!  No red wavy lines under 'hmm,' you see.  Anyway, you know what I just realized?  No scoreboard!  There's that other Popeye short where he and Bluto are playing football as kids, and at this point in that game the score was, like, 42 to 0, something like that, but Popeye was of course single-handedly able to cover the spread once he ate his performance-enhancing spinach.  No such drama in this one!  I'll bet they got complaints.
Anyway, Bluto's players have beaten Popeye's players with hunks of pipe, and piled on top of them for good measure.  And even though Popeye seemed to be away from the carnage on the front line, safe in his position as quarterback, he ends up under the pile of bodies.  He reaches for his spinach and the magic begins in proper.  "Gimme that thing," he mumbles to himself.
And so, having eaten the spinach, what kind of transformation will happen?  Unfortunately for Popeye's team, he's unable to share the wealth that spinach brings to him, and Popeye ends up surrounded by a team of about eleven "ghost Popeyes," in uniform, ready to kick some ass.  Popeye doesn't even wait for the whistle.  The ass-kicking just begins.  Popeye runs straight into a group of about eight of Bluto's men.  And as big as they are, they don't stand the snowball's chance.  Popeye ends up trailing four of Bluto's men behind him like turlet paper stuck to his shoe!  He however does eventually grow weary of carrying them, and flicks them away to continue his march toward the goal.
And now, post-spinach, Popeye's finally doing some more serious running, and not just skipping merrily along towards the goalposts.  But Popeye is a multi-tasker and, not only does he continue running, but he's also able to swing his ass around and push aside Bluto's men who would otherwise tackle him.  Now he's finally behaving like a truly elastic cartoon character should!  And he's got a song in his heart as he does it.  Back to Olive, who's finally ready to change her loyalties.  Sure, it'll be a little bit harder to spell out Popeye's name, but doesn't that mean that it's all the more worth it?  I think so.  I know that's a controversial stance, but hey, that's what blogs are all about.
Back to Popeye, who's still running, but is now switching the football from his right hand to his left, then back again.  Is that a legal move?  The refs don't seem to care.

EPILOGUE

And now, for some blatant tension in the plot.  Popeye stops at the five yard line and gracefully sets the ball down.  That's yer old fashioned showboating right there for ya.  Someone in the audience yells, "HEY! YOU'RE NOT OVER THE GOAL LINE!"  Sorry about shouting.  Realizing his misstep, Popeye bends over to pick up the ball and... yup, he gets piled upon.  Is this the end of the game as we know it?  Did Popeye eat that spinach for nothing?  Should he have actually known how to play the game before volunteering?  So many questions...
...but then, just like the island of kryptonite rising in 2006's Superman Returns, ... am I the only one who remembers?  Probably. ... the massive pile of beefy humanity on top of Popeye slowly rises, and Popeye walks the lot of them over to the goal.  He sets the ball down and lowers the pile of bodies back down upon himself.  Done like a true movie hero, with class and brains/brawn.  And no guns!  Only the bad guys use guns.
Final scene: the crowd is holding Popeye aloft... sorry, wrong link.  Popeye's being carried by the crowd.  Olive writes a message on a football next to her and kicks it over to Popeye.  And, once again, it bounces off Popeye's head into his arms.  It says "I love U.... Olive."  Aww, how sweet.  Popeye sings Betty Boop's theme song and blows his pipe... whuh?  A fitting tribute, seeing as how this is one of William Costello's last Popeye shorts.
Final score: Popeye 6, Bluto 0?

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Ruthless Stooges

ACT ONE

Setting: B.O. Pictures, or what Hollywood thinks of Columbia, especially because Adam Sandler calls it home.  We hear Larry's voice first.  Oh, he's dealt with his share of Hollywood phonies.  Larry says "It's colossal!  It's stupendious!"... stupendious?  Gee, what are the odds he's not playing the head of a studio?  ...GENIUS!!!  Time for Moe to knock some heads again.
Moe lays out the scene for us: they have to spray the entire building for termites before... check this out... before the Publicity Department gets back from location.  Two things: 1) I've never known a Publicity Department to go on location... okay, maybe that's all they do.  I dunno.  I'm so not a showbiz insider, and 2) ... does the average Stooge watcher even know what the hell Moe's talking about?  Have the Stooges finally given up trying to show the plight of the little guy?  Non-Hollywood, that is?  Could be!  And to help drive that point home that they've finally stopped trying... it's time for the three watches bit again... I'm sorry, here's the right link.  Well, three watches for three Stooges, I always say!  They at least tweak the dialogue a bit, like a middle school student plagiarizing a book by switching the sentences, and adding "...and others as well" at the end.  Moe lightly taps Shemp on the head with the industrial-strength sprayer.  That's not exactly made of foam, now, is it?  Can a foam sprayer spray like that?
Fade to the factory whistle.  The factory whistle blows.  This was in the old days of 9 to 5, even in Hollywood!  Go figure.  Stronger unions back then.  Next scene after that: the Stooges are all dressed up and finishing up their work.  Damn, but they look dapper.  Shemp's in a suit but still hard at work with the sprayer.  They must really have respect for the exterminator's trade, or they think the work is really really boring, and unworthy of more of their attention.  Besides, there's plot to get to!  Enter Peter Bart and some floozy... I mean, a bigwig with the luscious Christine McIntyre.  Now, this marks a departure for McIntyre and the Stooges.  See, normally they immediately fall head over heels in love with McIntyre, and it's all they can do to keep from slobbering all over her.  This time, however, Larry looks over at her, stares briefly, then turns away.  He knows his place in the food chain this time.  And then... ah, the ambiguity of language.  Why, I just re-watched Fox Pop recently.  Same "comedy" foundation!  Okay, I'll stop referring to that now... BTW, wrong DVD box, IMDb!
But back to the mucky-muck guy that comes in with McIntyre.  He's apparently J.B. Fletcher, head of B.O. Pictures this week.  Why, the IMDb doesn't even give the guy a credit!  I swear I'm looking at him right now!!  No respect.  Worse than Jacob Cohen.  And so, the ambiguity is set into motion: even though Fletcher runs B.O. Pictures, he doesn't realize that the Stooges are actually exterminators, and not working for the B.O. Publicity Department.  But Moe at least is never one to pass up an opportunity to better his sorry-ass station in life.  And so, time for crisis, as the Chinese say about opportunity.  True to their extermination roots, the Stooges whip up an idea for a publicity campaign that's sure to make Christine McIntyre... I mean, Dolly Devore an overnight sensation.  Oh no, it's real sound!  It's all worked out!  ...They want their own movie star kidnapped... yah, you heard me right.  Studio Head Fletcher and Devore balk at the idea at first.  I guess it's too late to discover Devore on a stool at Schwab's.
But Larry's a born pitch man and he helps close the deal.  Shemp and Moe pitch in as well.  McIntyre's sold on the idea when she hears she'll get to stay at the Clinton Arms Hotel.  DAMN YOU BILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  ...oh, right.  That was about 15 years ago.  Anyway, the plot thickens, like a cup of Kozy Shack tapioca pudding... sorry, I must be hungry.  Next scene: right outside the door of B.O. Pictures' Publicity Department is Kenneth MacDonald avec cigarette with a flunkie.  A couple bad dudes who overhear the Stooges' scheme, and apparently think they can make a fast buck off it.  "Where we goin?" asks the flunkie.  That's why he's a flunkie and MacDonald's the brain of the organization.  "Clinton Arms Hotel, ya dummy!" says MacDonald, and rightfully so.
Next scene: the Special Publicity Department, where the Stooges are hard at work at their three desks with their three typewriters.  Ah, the symmetry of it all.  Hooray for Hollywood!  Where any exterminator or car mechanic can start a panic.  The Stooges even have new clothes for their part: tweed jackets and kerchiefs!  Lol.  They must be French!  Moe orders Shemp to take a letter, and Shemp delightfully misunderstands, completely comfortable in his gender identity.  Moe isn't, and orders Shemp back to his typewriter post haste.  Moe starts dictating, and Shemp starts typing after Moe finishes, but only about seven letters' worth.  Moe says "And..." and Shemp starts typing a whole bunch.
"Read that back!" says Moe with a certain fierce determination.  Shemp tries to, but it sounds like something else.  Hmm.  Now where have I heard that before?............. BUSTED!!!!!  Oh well.  At least Shemp got the "June 22nd" part right!  Meanwhile, Larry's diligently typing away... ah, I remember this part.  Apparently they never reused this footage, as it was far too specific.  I don't seem to remember much else about Studio Stoops, but we had to rewind the VCR tape a couple times on this part... and it's as good as I remember it.  Good sound.  Take heed, Ben Burtt!... oh, I guess he probably doesn't need to.  Larry eventually notices that his typewriter's missing a few vital parts, then makes the mistake of asking Moe for help in locating the missing typewriter pieces.
Next scene: enter the wet blankets.  This is probably a good time to start Act Two, but we've still got a minute to go.  Otherwise, I would.  It's Vernon Dent as Police Captain Casey, and Brown from the Sun.  Neither one of these characters is taking any of the Stooges' crap.  Especially this Brown guy!  Who does he think he is?  Dent puts his groceries on the table.  Apparently, Dent and Brown are a tad skeptical about the "disappearance" of Miss Devore, to say the least.  They're skeptical at best and ready to throw the Stooges in jail at worst.  Dent finds middle ground with Shemp, so to speak, and shows Shemp what he'll do if they bother him any more with this Devore stuff.  From what I've heard, Shemp and Dent were actually good friends in real life.  And, indeed, 'tis a rare honor to slap a Stooge around, held by a select few like Dent.
Dent and Brown leave, and Shemp gets a phone call.  It's Devore on the phone.  "Sorry, kid, they won't believe it," says Shemp.  Then Shemp says "...WHAT?!!!"  Oscar, please!

ACT TWO

The kidnapping in proper begins in earnest.  MacDonald and his assistant are so into it, they're putting McIntyre into a sack.  Lol.  Sorry, I can't help it.  A woman that fine you don't put into a bag all at once, am I right?... something like that.  Shemp hangs up the phone and lays out the scenario quickly for the other two.  Moe tells Shemp to call a cab, leaving Shemp all by himself temporarily.  Dent comes back in, and he actually says "I forgot my groceries!"  And so, we come to that dramatic structure as old as time itself.  Shemp tries to ask Dent for help in this new time of crisis, and Dent shows Shemp his fist... so Shemp demurs.  Besides, it's still only Act Two!  We got a long way to go, folks.  Shemp lightly runs into the door for good measure.
Next scene: the Clinton Arms proper.  They got the fancy sign and everything.  Classy joint.  Five stars, maybe six!  The Stooges appear around the corner in that trademark way that they do... you know, if I was better at this, I'd know when they started doing that.  Sorry to let you down, folks.  They also do it in Loose Loot!  That much I know.  ...damn, I'm fast.  It's also in O Brother, Where Art Thou?  However, it's the four guys.  Anyway, time for a little exposition.  The quick thinker he is, Larry got some prop guns and prop money, so they're ready to take a stab at an exchange.  I thought for sure Moe was going to slap Shemp, but Moe just says "Well, finders keepers!"  Shemp then asks "If you ain't got a gun for me, what'd you bring me along for?"  Let's just stop here for a second.  Now, if you're at all like me... scary thought, I know... you'd probably be thinking to yourself, "But, Movie Hooligan!  Didn't Shemp just violate the unspoken Stooge Code?"  Were I a younger man, I would of course wholeheartedly agree.  But I'm not, and I don't.  Besides, the Stooges are a lot like art.  They have no rules, but they break them at their own peril.  And this may be the only time you'll ever hear a Stooge ask another Stooge "What did you bring me along for?"  Of course, we haven't gotten to the Joe Besser shorts yet.  Those must be loaded with moments where Larry points his thumb at Joe and says to Moe, "What'd we hire him for?  Sheesh!!!"  Of course, Moe doesn't miss a beat, saying to Shemp "For BAIT!" and slapping him.  And off they go... but wait!  Why are we still dwelling on this hallway corner here?  ...oh.  Right.
Next scene: room 1717 proper.  Moe's using his deep voice now.  He's channeling the spirit of Humphrey Bogart as Sam Spade.  Moe and Larry are going in.  "If we're not out in five minutes, come in and get us!" Moe tells Shemp.  "Better make it thirty seconds," Larry adds.  Wotta wuss.  Moe and Larry establish contact by knocking on the door.  Shemp hides, but about a foot and a half away from the door.  Good choice!  Next scene: the bad guys put McIntyre in the closet and open the door to let Moe and Lawrence in.  The bad guys grab Moe and Larry.  Things are getting tense now.
Moe's got the money in a very small cylindrical bag.  MacDonald examines the money, but isn't buying it.  He probes around in the bag some more and... finds the rat trap within.  Ironic.  At this point, Moe and Larry pull their guns.  MacDonald's fury causes Larry to shoot.  Moe's got a water gun and unloads it on MacDonald and assistant.  Larry has to tell Moe to start running, and off they all go.  Meanwhile, the guy waiting around the corner very quickly closes in on Shemp.  Lol.  Dude, what's your hurry?  Shemp doesn't appreciate the intrusion, and quickly fills the guy's face with ashtray sand.  How degrading.  The guy hits the wall, slumps down, and gets hit on the head with the anesthetic that is a vase.  Ah, vases.  Has there been any more loyal Stooge companion over the years?  Shemp gasps and runs back into the accursed room... you know, I hate to guess ahead, but is it going to turn out that the guy who just got hit with the vase is actually a cop?  Either way, he deserved it for scaring Shemp like that.  This is a STOOGE film, not a film about that guy!
And so, Shemp's in the kidnapping room.  There's two doors on the far wall... gee, what is it with rooms in Stooge films?  They always seem to have multiple doors!  It's like the Stooges are trapped in a Kafka-esque maze or something.  Anyway, Shemp runs to the door on the right, but he hears a fight going on on the other side of it, so rather than help out his best friends in the whole world, he decides to take the other door.  Why, it's the closet with a bagged McIntyre in it!  Next scene: inside the closet proper.  Shemp's guarding the door, and McIntyre gently runs into him.  Now, if it were Moe or Larry inside the bag, then sure, the bag would start getting pummeled all to hell.  But there's a classy lady in there, damn it!  Just a light touch of the physical comedy, then the cry for help.  "Get me out of here!  I'm suffocating!" she says.  Shemp obliges.  Ah, women: so frail, so helpless.  McIntyre's not so hoidy-toidy now, is she?  Also, if Jules White were directing this, he'd force McIntyre to jump through hoop after degrading hoop, but this is an Edward Bernds pic.  None of that crap.
And so, once again, McIntyre and Shemp share a nice scene together.  I think she took a shine to him somehow!  Meanwhile, next scene... dayamn.  It's Pulp Fiction all over again.  I've seen Stooges tied up before, but this is ridicu... re-donk-u-lous!  I believe that's how the kids misspell it these days.  "Wise guys, huh?" sneers MacDonald, as he tightens Larry's ropes just a little bit more.  We hear the sound of cracking walnuts as this happens.  For once, MacDonald's goon is using a bit of brain.  "Aw, let me plug 'em, boss!" he says.  "No, it'll make too much noise.  Wait til we get 'em outside," says MacDonald.  Get 'em outside?  You go to all that trouble to tie somebody up, THEN you're going to take them outside?  What a doof.  What a twerb.  Wait a second... okay, apparently it's slang for 'weed.'  Better just stick with dweeb.  Meanwhile, McIntyre's out and running around.  She goes to the front door, but the vase-to-the-head guy's just coming in.  It's really some fancy footwork!  I hate to spoil it like this.  She ends up sneaking out of the room... arguably, amid circumstances that are dubious at best, and downright criminal at worst... and we find out that vase-to-the-head guy is indeed one of the trio of bad guys that always seems to be pitted against the Stooges in these things.  Simpler that way.  Vase-to-the-head guy... sheesh.  Better just stick with Louie.  Louie informs MacDonald and goon that the third one got away.  This sends MacDonald into a panic, and he starts talking about crack whores and getting raped in prison... oops, sorry.  Wrong MacDonald.  Being the "brains" of this nefarious corporation, MacDonald runs over to the closet.  Relief.  Yup, there's still a living body in a bag in there.  Future film editors and directors, take note: there's a brief glimpse inside the closet after MacDonald shuts the door, in case you didn't see it on the wide angle shot.  Nice work!  I know it was a bit of a rush job, as were all these Stooge shorts.
Next scene: McIntyre gets to work untying Moe and Larry.  I don't envy her her work one bit.  They do the old "What'd he say?" gag, but it's unsettling!  Someone's supposed to get slapped for that, but Moe's hands are tied!  LITERALLY!!!!
YouTube should really do a better job of linking these things... sheesh.  What a waste of valuable time.  Okay, here we go.  Next scene: Shemp emerges into the world in his new threads.  So frail, so helpless.  Like a newborn babe with sunglasses, Shemp's going to explore the world anew in plastic darkness... and it's going to be hilarious!!!  Oh, that's so not him...
...now, if you recall, they're on the seventeenth floor.  Shemp can barely find his way around the room, but he does manage to find the door that leads to outside the building.  There's no balcony in this hotel; you can just walk right out on the building's ledge.  This would be very convenient for anyone contemplating suicide, of course.  Why, you could sprint to your death!  Not Shemp, though.  Fate's got uglier plans for him.  "My troubles are over!" says Shemp, as he heads out onto the building's ledge in his body bag... should we tell him?  The coroner should probably get a fresh body bag just on G.P. if he really does fall.
The gallows puns keep on coming.  "Where's the elevator?  I gotta get down fast!" says Shemp.  Shemp's voice seems to be dubbed in here.  Next scene: we turn away from this train wreck for a brief second to see Moe, Larry and McIntyre come back into the room for Shemp.  Boy, the bad guys must be really really far away by now.  Anyway, no one can find Shemp.  Where the hell is he?  A new mystery to solve.  And then... McIntyre finds him!  Still on the ledge.  Reminds me of that middle sequence in Stephen King's Cat's Eye... am I the only one?  Probably.  After running afoul of the giant Venetian blinds, Moe opens the window and calls to Shemp.  We get brief glimpses of cars far below.  You know, just to keep the tension levels high.
Still unable to sense that he's not in the hallway, Shemp's about to step off the ledge and plunge downward.  Moe intervenes at the last possible minute, safely inside the building, of course.  He's no dummy!  Moe tells Shemp to not move, then to take his knife and cut the damn bag off of him.  Good thing he didn't think of that right away!  This would've been a really short Stooge short!
And so, street-wise Shemp cuts his way out of the body bag with his knife... sheesh.  What next?  Comb his greasy hair and drive hot rods?  He sees the other three and tells them that everything's all right now... boy!  That turned ironic in record time!  Epic fail, as the kids all say.

ACT THREE

Wowee-wow.  What a way to begin the Third Act.  Moe, Larry and McIntyre immediately believe the worst.  "And he had his good suit on, too!" laments Larry.  It's too sad.  They turn away from the window slowly, but for the last time.  Next scene: Shemp was about 55 years old when this was made, and he's hanging by his hands from a window ledge.  I guess they've done flagpoles to death already.  Maybe the wind pushed him back against the building or something.  Anyway, Shemp's hanging in there, and making some noise about it.  As much as he's able.  Reminds me of that old Shelley Berman bit.  Dang, YouTube's got everything except a bag of chips.  Despite Shemp's age and lack of muscles, he's able to hoist himself up a little bit higher.  Must be the sudden surge of adrenaline.  He's not to safety yet, and he manages to grab onto a phone connected to an extender.  He soon goes from bad to worse as he's now hanging outside the building by the extended phone.  Not even the ledge to cling to anymore!  Desperate, Shemp calls the operator on the phone.  Oh, the similarities to the Shelley Berman bit deepen!  Shemp tries to get the phone number of the hotel he's hanging outside of.  Boy, first Shemp has trouble explaining his urgent circumstances to Vernon Dent, now this!  This is not Shemp's day at all.
Back to the other three, currently still safer than Shemp from gravity's eternal, gaping maw, still grieving the loss of their dear old friend.  What is it with comedians and wanting to do the drama?  Making people laugh isn't reward enough?  Moe says "I'll never forgive myself for pushing him around."  Larry blows his nose, and it makes two noises, for all you audiophiles out there.  Lol.  Suddenly... the phone rings.  Moe answers, and doesn't realize at first that he's talking to Shemp.  Moe quickly puts two and two together, and says to Shemp, "You chowder head!"  ...well, that was quick, wasn't it?  I guess Moe forgave himself, and is now ready to push Shemp around some more.  But first, how to save him?  Shemp offers a suggestion, saying "I think I'm on the tenth floor.  Would it be too much trouble to send down some rope?"  A true gentleman.  The non-Shemp Stooges and McIntyre spring into action.  To the Idiot-mobile!
However, Larry proves himself to be not as much of an idiot as people think.  He uses the word "adversaries."  Moe can hardly believe it.  Time to kill some time!  ...okay, not that much.  But Larry doubles down and tells Moe he'll give him the password when he gets back.  "Brilliant.  What'll it be?" asks Moe.  "Swordfish!" says Larry... no, wait, that was Horse Feathers.  No, Larry actually says that the password is "...Open the door!"  Priceless.  For everything else, there's MasterCard.  And you can't get out of Costco with anything but American Express.
And so, Larry ventures out into the world anew, starting with the hallway of the Clinton Arms Hotel... what was his mission again?  Oh right.  Larry's supposed to find a long-ass rope so they can pull Shemp up from the 10th floor to the 17th.  I guess they couldn't afford to maybe... oh, I don't know... go to the tenth floor themselves and try to drag Shemp in from there.  They'd have to rent another room, for God's sake!  What do you think they are?  Movie stars?
Sorry.  I just get so mad sometimes.  Anyway, Larry goes to the elevator to get in.  Coming out of the elevator at the same time is Kenneth MacDonald.  MacDonald springs into action, grabbing Larry and pulling him into the elevator.  How nice of him!  Wait a second... a fist fight seems to be breaking out!  You can tell, because the camera's moving around.  Time to suspend our disbelief once again.  Boy, the Stooges demand that of their fans an awful lot.  Let's just assume that Larry, the shorter, weaker man, wins the scuffle against Kenneth MacDonald.  Let's just assume that, because that's what happens.  And we can see the shadow of a boom microphone against the elevator wall, ha ha.  Busted!  Larry runs out of the elevator and finds Policeman Vernon Dent, of all people!  How convenient!  Dent's not in a good mood, however.  Few are that lay eyes on Larry, arguably.  Dent tells Larry to back off, as he's still steaming about stopping by their office earlier.  Dent's going into room 1709, as it says on the door, and Larry follows him inside.  Oh, this is going to be good.  Dent's about to sit down and play poker with some of his buddies.  Dent starts taking his coat off, and Larry helps him out with that.  Genius.  Well, Dent's not mad enough at Larry to tell him to leave the room.  Not yet, anyway.  Dent's not as mad as those guys in the park were at Tom Green... on second thought, I'm not even going to look for that one.  Tom Green can't be on YouTube enough, probably.  Why, the director's cut of Freddy Got Fingered is probably on there!  For little children to watch, for God's sake!
Back to Shemp, who calls the operator a wiseguy.  He hasn't lost his sense of humor, at least, despite dangling right there in front of Death and all.  Meanwhile, back to gravity.  The phone's starting to break from its moorings, and Moe runs afoul of those damn Venetian blinds again.  Damn Italians!!  Meanwhile, the phone rings.  Moe runs over to the door and looks out.  No one.  The phone rings again.  Moe realizes it's the phone.  What a doof!!!  He's just stalling for time now.  It's Shemp on the phone again.  The phone creaks a little bit more, breaking from the wall a little bit more.  "Could you hurry it up a little?" asks Shemp.  It's one of the saddest things I've ever seen.  Meanwhile, an angel!  Even in Hell an angel sometimes appears.  In this case, it's McIntyre with a big handful of makeshift rope.  Boy, she really does cotton to that Shemp fella!  They toss the rope out, and Shemp's phone breaks off just as he's grabbing on to the rope.  Maybe this rope was a good idea after all!  Makes what Larry about to do seem a bit pointless...
And so, Moe and McIntyre start pulling in Shemp, and Shemp hangs on to the rope now instead of the phone.  So, recall what McIntyre said about the rope.  She said "If only the knots would hold!"  Kinda makes me glad I'm at ground level right now.  And now... a snag.  Literally!  Shemp keeps hitting his head against the narrowest of ledges.  Figures.  He couldn't be more helpless at this moment.  It gets worse, because now the bad guys have regrouped, and are back on the 17th floor... right in front of 1717, no less!  Too bad the Stooges didn't try a little harder to get right to the 10th floor.  Oh well.
The bad guys start to open the door, but find it locked.  Once again, it's up to McIntyre.  She hurls her weight against the door while MacDonald's wrist is in it... dayamn!  Hope she was miming it!  Then, she rubs a little more salt into the wound by hitting his hand with an ashtray.  Cold-blooded, girlfriend!  Too much excitement.  Time to cut back to Larry.  Dent shoves him a second time, but towards the crafts services table instead of towards the door.  Lol.  A veritable Stooge arsenal of food!  Larry gets that look of sweet, sweet inspiration upon his face.  Now he's thinking like a god damn publicist!  And so, it's a raw egg for Vernon Dent's head, and pastries and fruit for the other cops.  Not only do they have food, they've got the raw ingredients for making food!  Very interesting.  And so, with Larry having upped his game, or changed it if you please, the chase is officially on.  Boy, between this and using the word "adversary," Larry's practically Machiavelli himself!  And we haven't even gotten to He Cooked His Goose yet!
And so, as the cops all try to leave their hotel room at the same time, the bad guys break in the door of Room 1717.  "Drop that rope!" MacDonald tells Moe and McIntyre.  Wow!  He doesn't even have a gun on them!  That's obedience for ya.  And then, we get a shot of MacDonald's feet.  Could it be?  It is!  The rope happens to be tied in a loop at its other end, and MacDonald's foot happens to be standing in said loop.  Over to the window he goes, hopping away, as Shemp plummets to Earth outside.  Ah, physics.  I look forward to studying you as all good computer scientists do these days.
MacDonald's two goons rush over to his side and try to console him.  Oh, you didn't look foolish at all, boss!  You gave that wall a pounding it'll never forget!  Ah, bad guys.  Your loyalty to each other will be your end... Ah, vases.  Is there nothing you can't do?
Back to Larry, who is still a person of interest to the food-faced policemen.  However, Larry's too fast for 'em, and he has to whistle to them.  The chase's almost over, boys!  Boy, a cop couldn't find his butt if he had a bell on it.  And so, the cops eventually get to Room 1717 where all the action is.  Moe tells the cops, "Bake 'em away, toys!"  Seriously, though, Dent's finally happy, as he's just caught "Dandy" Dawson.  "Nice work, boys!" says Dent.  That's about all the gratitude they'll get out of him for now, probably.  But wait!  Dawson's got this rope around his foot.  Larry takes it upon himself to get that rope off.  He's old and has trouble with it, but he's eager.  Should we tell him what's on the other end of that rope?

EPILOGUE

And so, having rescued Larry from plummeting out the window his own damn self, the hard work of pulling Shemp up to safety continues.  Fortune smiles down on Shemp, however, and he decides to let himself off at the balcony of a comely lass instead.  Love is stronger than justice after all!  McIntyre's makeshift ropes were sturdy enough in the final analysis... after all!  Damn.  Didn't mean to repeat that phrase.
Time for another physics lesson.  With Shemp's weight off of the rope, Moe and Larry fly backwards, and right into a full bathtub.  They spend the last thirty seconds of the flick taking a bath.  You know, so it's not a total loss.  Why, I can't think of a better ending to this one, can you?... don't answer that!

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan