Some come to filmmaking from another career. It's usually how it goes. You know, people get tired of installing solar panels on rooftops. I mean, why do something useful for society when you can get involved in the creation of the next great Mass Communication Distraction? It's a hobby!
Take the example of Eugene Ashe, for example. As the name suggests, yes... he is indeed a distant relative of tennis great Arthur Ashe. But even he wanted to move to the director's-type folding chair that the game's referee uses up there in the crow's nest overlooking the playing field, surely? I wonder if the IMDb ever lists anyone's cause of death as breathing smoggy New York City air. Surely, many have succumbed to it time to time?
Wonder if he's at all related to Internet great Danni... never mind. Anyway, Eugene started off as an award-worthy recording artist... I'm sorry, major label recording artist. Now, I'm no music expert... and anyone who's read this blog knows that I am a) a bad writer, and b) I love love LOVE Richard Donner, no matter what Mel Gibson implies about him... but if you really are a major label recording artist, you're probably not going to point to the Free Willy soundtrack as a career highlight. Just saying. The other being 1994's Blankman. Now... like a lot of you, I'm also facebook friends with Mike Binder... I think I am, anyway. But again, all due respect... probably not a soundtrack you'd want to take credit for, let alone the movie. I'll be the first to admit that I don't truly appreciate the historical significance that Blankman will have when the final piece of dust is settled, the box office Rosetta Stone chiseled, the last Mann's Chinese Theatre franchise shuttered, what have you, but when I think movie soundtrack... well, Dirty Dancing is the first one to come to mind. Different era. Ooh! How about Pirate Radio? Because sometimes you just gotta stretch the bounds of historical accuracy when it comes to classic rock.
So, with street cred in the music biz firmly established, it was time to pivot. Because, after all, even the funkiest of poets dream about realizing that screenplay they've got in their head, even if it's just the big, autobiographical one about that time you got kicked out of the public library for exposing yourself... oh, wait, Eugene did some acting first. Well, every little bit helps. You want to see the filmmaking process from all aspects before taking a managerial role in it. Doesn't hurt. And so, after an aborted chance with Spike Lee, it was time for a documentary: 2009's Home Again. Apparently, it's a documentary about Americans who emigrated to Canada to avoid the Vietnam War. No one reviewed it yet, but 50,000 plus people lived it. That's... that's a demographic, right? After all, people were doing that in 1776 as well, or so I've been informed. The best and brightest step up to the nation's call and say "Sorry, I'm going next door. My life's far too important to sacrifice this way."
Sticking with the theme of home, we get 2012's Homecoming. From the plot description, it sounds a bit like The Big Chill, only blacker. And not just the music, mind you. Judging from the poster, however... looks like they couldn't afford a Grade-A movie poster. More like C or D. I mean, that one Madea movie where (s)he pretends to be in The Godfather and other Hollywood classics... that's an A-/B+ movie poster in terms of graphic company production quality. Where's the quality, people? Where's the professional pride and grade?
Anyway, there's one review from the esteemed "Common Sense Media." Surprisingly, they give a positive, ethnic-friendly review. If Mr. Ashe wants to proceed to the next project, hopefully something away from home if only for my sake... I think he's got the green light! As long as it's cheap and under budget. And by under budget, I mean no budget, and shot with a Canon Rebel EOS. Get ready to max your credit card(s), dude. As for me, well... I went to the University of Washington for two years, and you couldn't pay me enough to go to a reunion with the puds that I roomed with that first year. The middle school and high school hadn't rubbed off quite yet, lemme tell ya. Second year was okay, but they probably want nothing to do with me anyway.
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Code breaker, Challenge Taker...
Now, I'm no computer expert, but why does everything not load anymore? Why do I have to go to a website and hit refresh to get something to load? And speaking of computer problems, more Hillary emails have apparently surfaced... oh right, from Anthony Weiner's wife's computer... something like that. They also found a lot of... let's just say stuff belonging to "Carlos Danger." All I know is, when even They Might Be Giants is against you... the band, not the 1971 movie from whence they take their name... see, the tweet says "Applications for Comey's job can be submitted starting Nov. 9". Okay, found the way to copy the link. If the news can do it, damn it, so should I. Also, does anyone remember a little movie called Fair Game (2010) and the incident that it's based upon? Anyone at all? I know, I know... it's just pre-9/11 thinking again. Something like that. And really, wasn't that "Crooked Hillary"'s fault too?
The only other debut this week is something called Ae Dil Hai Mushkil... better post the link to that. Boy, that Aishwarya Rai (Bachchan) can put da butts in da seats!
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Auteur Watch - Alexander Etseyatse
Well, if the short film business doesn't pan out... it is always good to take a break from it... there's always working on the big Hollywood films, even in a smaller, less heroic capacity! Such is the life of one Alexander Etseyatse, caught between two worlds while trying to raise a young boy by themselves, looking for new love in the meantime. And there's always a third fallback position, I'm assuming.
Boo! A Box Office Halloween
...oh, I thought Doctor Strange was coming out this week. That's next week. And if it doesn't make more than $100 million its first weekend, well... the new Marvel Studios will be very disappointed. They might question the wisdom of doing a worldwide junket. You know, really get the word out in Hong Kong and the Philippines.
But once again, Tyler Perry's Madea proves that (s)he can take charge of the box office in a down week. This time, because it's near Halloween and all, (s)he offers us Boo! A Madea Halloween. I guess writing three or four shows for TV just isn't prestigious enough at times. But just like the VeggieTales, Madea knows that taking a break for a song and a prayer helps to pad things out a lot. I checked Boo!'s cast list to see if Perry scored any major casting coups. You know, like Kim Kardashian in 2013's Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor or Kathy Bates and Alfre Woodard in 2008's The Family That Preys. (what better way to close out the Dubya administration, am I right?) And who can forget BOTH Stephanie Ferret and Stephanie Ferrett in Madea Gets a Job?
Anyway, on to the next. While Madea's latest isn't exactly a sequel, seems like everything else is. Tom Cruise is still ashamed of the now dreaded Roman numeral with Jack Reacher: Never Go Back. Um... isn't this guy some kind of a detective? Isn't going back kind of a big part of the detective's JOB?!!!! Taking over directorial duties from The Usual Suspects maven Christopher McQuarrie is Cruise's pal from The Last Samurai director Edward Zwick. I hate to say it, but no wonder this debuted only at #2. People don't want too much sentimentality from their Jack Reacher movies. Sure, Zwick takes on the tough subjects, but with kind of a light touch... to be fair, the brutha's not afraid to get thrown into his own police van! That was him, right?
Our third debut (in third place, no less) is the sequel to 2014's Ouija and it's called Ouija: Origin of Evil. I guess the dreaded Roman numeral is more scary than Ouija boards themselves... damn Gypsies. A brief scanning of the cast and crew reveals that, well... as with Atlas Shrugged Parts 1 and 2, the casts of the two Ouija sequels seem to have no common threads. The first one takes place apparently in photogenic present day, the sequel in 1965, just south of that new golden age of nostalgia that we all seem to be pining collectively for, the 1970s. There's a reason that Itchy used his time machine to go to a '70s disco, you know! No, the only common thread seems to be Michael Bay as producer. So it's true, he really is going through the whole Hasbro product catalog... they own the Ouija board, right? I guess 1965 is when the Ouija board first made contact with the underworld, thereby setting off the controversy that lives to this day... dayamn! Got the Hasbro part right!
And finally, America's stoner uncle Zach Galifianakis makes another bomb, this time with Jon Hamm, who just can't get a non-"Mad Men" break in the biz. It's tough, it's rough, I tell ya! It's called Keeping Up with the Joneses... it's a little bit like Mr. and Mrs. Smith, but the filmmakers promise it won't be spawning a new Brangelina-type thing for the tabloids! No sir. Actually, it might be more like The Whole Nine Yards, but really... who wants to look back that far, am I right?
But once again, Tyler Perry's Madea proves that (s)he can take charge of the box office in a down week. This time, because it's near Halloween and all, (s)he offers us Boo! A Madea Halloween. I guess writing three or four shows for TV just isn't prestigious enough at times. But just like the VeggieTales, Madea knows that taking a break for a song and a prayer helps to pad things out a lot. I checked Boo!'s cast list to see if Perry scored any major casting coups. You know, like Kim Kardashian in 2013's Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor or Kathy Bates and Alfre Woodard in 2008's The Family That Preys. (what better way to close out the Dubya administration, am I right?) And who can forget BOTH Stephanie Ferret and Stephanie Ferrett in Madea Gets a Job?
Anyway, on to the next. While Madea's latest isn't exactly a sequel, seems like everything else is. Tom Cruise is still ashamed of the now dreaded Roman numeral with Jack Reacher: Never Go Back. Um... isn't this guy some kind of a detective? Isn't going back kind of a big part of the detective's JOB?!!!! Taking over directorial duties from The Usual Suspects maven Christopher McQuarrie is Cruise's pal from The Last Samurai director Edward Zwick. I hate to say it, but no wonder this debuted only at #2. People don't want too much sentimentality from their Jack Reacher movies. Sure, Zwick takes on the tough subjects, but with kind of a light touch... to be fair, the brutha's not afraid to get thrown into his own police van! That was him, right?
Our third debut (in third place, no less) is the sequel to 2014's Ouija and it's called Ouija: Origin of Evil. I guess the dreaded Roman numeral is more scary than Ouija boards themselves... damn Gypsies. A brief scanning of the cast and crew reveals that, well... as with Atlas Shrugged Parts 1 and 2, the casts of the two Ouija sequels seem to have no common threads. The first one takes place apparently in photogenic present day, the sequel in 1965, just south of that new golden age of nostalgia that we all seem to be pining collectively for, the 1970s. There's a reason that Itchy used his time machine to go to a '70s disco, you know! No, the only common thread seems to be Michael Bay as producer. So it's true, he really is going through the whole Hasbro product catalog... they own the Ouija board, right? I guess 1965 is when the Ouija board first made contact with the underworld, thereby setting off the controversy that lives to this day... dayamn! Got the Hasbro part right!
And finally, America's stoner uncle Zach Galifianakis makes another bomb, this time with Jon Hamm, who just can't get a non-"Mad Men" break in the biz. It's tough, it's rough, I tell ya! It's called Keeping Up with the Joneses... it's a little bit like Mr. and Mrs. Smith, but the filmmakers promise it won't be spawning a new Brangelina-type thing for the tabloids! No sir. Actually, it might be more like The Whole Nine Yards, but really... who wants to look back that far, am I right?
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Auteur Watch - Est(h)er Anderson
Now here's an interesting career for those of you who are fans of the '70s and late '60s... you know, when people say the Sixties, they actually mean 1966-1969... oops! Even less than even that, apparently. Shows you what I know. Figures.
Okay, so they can't all be Pam Grier. For that matter, even being Thalmus Rasulala and Persis Khambatta is fraught with challenges and fierce competition... let's see if anyone's paying attention. And what about Tamara Dobson? What about f... frickin' Cleopatra Jones? Does she deserve to gather dust in obscurity? Someone described her as "statuesque"! Probably!
But from studying the data in Ester Anderson's acting résumé, it took about ten years for her to build up the courage to take the old proverbial stab at the director's chair. After working with all the hack directors that she did, she couldn't help but think to herself, well, hell! I could do that! Well, it happens in high school, you know. First you get bitten by the acting bug. Then you get bitten by the directing bug, because they get to... hang around after the scene's done? Something like that. But really, who doesn't want to be in charge?
And so, when you're on a successful show like "Amazon Squad"... I mean, "The Rookies," it's time to make your move and walk in to that dusty DGA office and apply for whatever... a permit, a membership card. There's probably paperwork to fill out, like if you want to make a copyright official and all. You'll want that if you ever go to court to collect royalty payments. Also, you need the right property if you want to be a director and stay a director. Spielberg learned that the hard way after The Sugarland Express.
Alas, we may never know what went wrong after Short Ends. It's not even on YouTube or anything! How ... how unfair is that? So many unanswered questions. Was it a hit? Now that she's got one in the can, did she a-hole her way out of the business, as Chris Rock once said? Will Mount Zion Productions ever rise again? Or did they fall into a crevass, and was forced to gnaw their own foot off to survive? Okay, so the main characters were called Frankie and Johnny. The plot summary should make you smile a little bit... even if the punchline's a dramatic one, and strangely prescient.
And so, like most of us, this "Promising New Actor of 1973" either a) got tired of showbiz and vowed to leave it forever, or b) showed Terrence Malick how it's done. You're supposed to take 35 years between projects, not a mere 20!
Okay, sure, it doesn't seem like much of a stretch for her to pick Bob Marley as a documentary subject, but still. When in Rome or Jamaica, right? And so we get Bob Marley: The Making of a Legend. And, of course, when you do a documentary about a legend, you secretly always hope that a little bit of that legend will rub off on you, thereby giving your own career a boost or a nudge. I don't see any evidence of that yet, but whatever. Also... no love for Ziggy Marley? Really? What is he, chopped liver?
Anyway, a toast to Ester Anderson, and may it not take another 35 years for your next project... oh, I totally forgot! I wanted to briefly mention The Touchables from 1968 and... I know, I know, you're thinking 1968, a film called The Touchables and no, it's only half a porno. But for those of you who think 9 to 5 is the greatest, most original film idea ever, well... anyway, there are a lot of obscure names in the cast and crew, I noticed... except one. Ian La Frenais, for once working without... what's his name... Dick Clement, that's the one. I guess what I'm trying to get at is, in this Facebook age of ours, where it's probably more like three degrees of separation instead of six, well... for your next project, Est(h)er, don't be too proud! Make the call to Ian, get something rolling. Make him executive producer if you have to.
Okay, so they can't all be Pam Grier. For that matter, even being Thalmus Rasulala and Persis Khambatta is fraught with challenges and fierce competition... let's see if anyone's paying attention. And what about Tamara Dobson? What about f... frickin' Cleopatra Jones? Does she deserve to gather dust in obscurity? Someone described her as "statuesque"! Probably!
But from studying the data in Ester Anderson's acting résumé, it took about ten years for her to build up the courage to take the old proverbial stab at the director's chair. After working with all the hack directors that she did, she couldn't help but think to herself, well, hell! I could do that! Well, it happens in high school, you know. First you get bitten by the acting bug. Then you get bitten by the directing bug, because they get to... hang around after the scene's done? Something like that. But really, who doesn't want to be in charge?
And so, when you're on a successful show like "Amazon Squad"... I mean, "The Rookies," it's time to make your move and walk in to that dusty DGA office and apply for whatever... a permit, a membership card. There's probably paperwork to fill out, like if you want to make a copyright official and all. You'll want that if you ever go to court to collect royalty payments. Also, you need the right property if you want to be a director and stay a director. Spielberg learned that the hard way after The Sugarland Express.
Alas, we may never know what went wrong after Short Ends. It's not even on YouTube or anything! How ... how unfair is that? So many unanswered questions. Was it a hit? Now that she's got one in the can, did she a-hole her way out of the business, as Chris Rock once said? Will Mount Zion Productions ever rise again? Or did they fall into a crevass, and was forced to gnaw their own foot off to survive? Okay, so the main characters were called Frankie and Johnny. The plot summary should make you smile a little bit... even if the punchline's a dramatic one, and strangely prescient.
And so, like most of us, this "Promising New Actor of 1973" either a) got tired of showbiz and vowed to leave it forever, or b) showed Terrence Malick how it's done. You're supposed to take 35 years between projects, not a mere 20!
Okay, sure, it doesn't seem like much of a stretch for her to pick Bob Marley as a documentary subject, but still. When in Rome or Jamaica, right? And so we get Bob Marley: The Making of a Legend. And, of course, when you do a documentary about a legend, you secretly always hope that a little bit of that legend will rub off on you, thereby giving your own career a boost or a nudge. I don't see any evidence of that yet, but whatever. Also... no love for Ziggy Marley? Really? What is he, chopped liver?
Anyway, a toast to Ester Anderson, and may it not take another 35 years for your next project... oh, I totally forgot! I wanted to briefly mention The Touchables from 1968 and... I know, I know, you're thinking 1968, a film called The Touchables and no, it's only half a porno. But for those of you who think 9 to 5 is the greatest, most original film idea ever, well... anyway, there are a lot of obscure names in the cast and crew, I noticed... except one. Ian La Frenais, for once working without... what's his name... Dick Clement, that's the one. I guess what I'm trying to get at is, in this Facebook age of ours, where it's probably more like three degrees of separation instead of six, well... for your next project, Est(h)er, don't be too proud! Make the call to Ian, get something rolling. Make him executive producer if you have to.
A Cruel Basis of Accounting
...love that joke. Well, as the TV ad campaign predicted, Ben Affleck's latest, The Accountant, opens at #1... didn't Clooney make this movie in 2010? Anyway, Ben's made 24.7 million dollars its first weekend... but it cost 30 million to promote on the TV! I guess the average moviegoer decided to go with either a) H&R Block or b) QuickBooks. You know how it is these days. No one wants to leave the comfort of their cheap gin and the telescreen... HD telescreen, to be fair.
The only other debut this week is the latest Kevin Hart concert film, so let's just take a look back at the week that was. Emily Blunt apparently did so-so on SNL last night... which, in a way, is consistent with her career. Her movie slips from 1 to 3, the new Magnificent Seven is actually at #7, and a movie called Middle School: The Worst Years of my Life is having a terrible time at the box office as well. Besides, wasn't it Bart Simpson who said "This is the worst day of my life," to which Homer replied, "The worst day of your life SO FAR!" And even though The Birth of a Nation (2016) is at #10 and about to leave, and the director slash star has some Trump-type sexual allegations in his past, well... what do you think? An Oscar sweep? Of course, it'll either have to sweep the actor awards like The Piano, or the technical awards like Schindler's List. Can't have both, or so it would seem.
And finally, at #2 is Kevin Hart: What Now? ...what now, he asks? I'll tell you what now. Stay on the path! Don't repeat Eddie Murphy's mistakes! Wake up every day and thank God you're alive! Play the romantic lead for as long as you can, man! Of course, it's different than in Cary Grant's day. Playing the lead at 55 in North by Northwest ain't too shabby. But according to Mel Brooks, he would eat a hard boiled egg for lunch. Maybe that's the fountain of youth after all!
The only other debut this week is the latest Kevin Hart concert film, so let's just take a look back at the week that was. Emily Blunt apparently did so-so on SNL last night... which, in a way, is consistent with her career. Her movie slips from 1 to 3, the new Magnificent Seven is actually at #7, and a movie called Middle School: The Worst Years of my Life is having a terrible time at the box office as well. Besides, wasn't it Bart Simpson who said "This is the worst day of my life," to which Homer replied, "The worst day of your life SO FAR!" And even though The Birth of a Nation (2016) is at #10 and about to leave, and the director slash star has some Trump-type sexual allegations in his past, well... what do you think? An Oscar sweep? Of course, it'll either have to sweep the actor awards like The Piano, or the technical awards like Schindler's List. Can't have both, or so it would seem.
And finally, at #2 is Kevin Hart: What Now? ...what now, he asks? I'll tell you what now. Stay on the path! Don't repeat Eddie Murphy's mistakes! Wake up every day and thank God you're alive! Play the romantic lead for as long as you can, man! Of course, it's different than in Cary Grant's day. Playing the lead at 55 in North by Northwest ain't too shabby. But according to Mel Brooks, he would eat a hard boiled egg for lunch. Maybe that's the fountain of youth after all!
Sunday, October 09, 2016
Auteur Watch - Hawa Essuman
Oh good, another short one. Whelp, I never ask a lady how old she is, and neither does Hollywood... but they have ways of figuring that out. A lot. Also, they do everything they can to try and stave off the inevitable: getting old and out of touch. But that's the way life goes here on planet Earth. One minute, you're cock of the walk, and the next, you're an old kangaroo getting killed in Aussie rush hour traffic... I swear I saw that on telly! I just didn't have the foresight to get its name. That's right... he had a name and everything.
But when you're dealing with a potential talent supernova like Hawa Essuman, you don't ask questions. You just hitch your wagons to the star, and get on your pogo stick and wail. And when you're directed by someone like Riccardo Milani, you can't help but think to yourself, aw, hell, I can do that! Sit in a stupid-looking folding chair and tell people what to do? That's the life for me! You're the past, Milani, and I'm the future, said Hawa. You don't understand us, so don't reprimand us. We're taking the future. We don't need no teacher... something like that. It wasn't said as elegantly, but no one's perfect.
But when you're dealing with a potential talent supernova like Hawa Essuman, you don't ask questions. You just hitch your wagons to the star, and get on your pogo stick and wail. And when you're directed by someone like Riccardo Milani, you can't help but think to yourself, aw, hell, I can do that! Sit in a stupid-looking folding chair and tell people what to do? That's the life for me! You're the past, Milani, and I'm the future, said Hawa. You don't understand us, so don't reprimand us. We're taking the future. We don't need no teacher... something like that. It wasn't said as elegantly, but no one's perfect.
The Guy on the Bus
So! What a crazy 72 hours or so it's been. I'll be glad when this election's over and Hillary's finally won. I know, I know, nothing is certain, but even the most drooling Trump supporter's gotta be a little happy, no? Sure, we won't have our first Orange American president, but the secret Muslim will finally be gone, and Trump will get back to doing what he does best... RAPING 13 YEAR OLDS.
As for SNL, well... Alec Baldwin must be pretty happy right now. I sure am! He proves once again that he's the alpha Baldwin. Meanwhile, when's Stephen going to be on with Fox and Friends again? Or "The Five"? Also, I can't remember an opening sketch with such an elaborate structure: SPOILER ALERT - the Vice Presidential debate is interrupted by the big "Breaking News." ...see, they compressed the timeline a little bit.
Personally, I think Tim Kaine said it best: that Trump's comments should shock him, but they don't. Also, Lawrence O'Donnell and Bill Maher both agree that no celebrities act the way that Drumpf said they do. Not a few, not Charlie Sheen, but none! Well, the ones like Charlie Sheen... it's just plain bad luck even mentioning them, frankly. Makes me wonder what VDs "The Donald" has.
And speaking of VDs... Billy Bush is part of the Bush family? Seriously? Wow. Figures. Boy, it's hard for a peripheral figure in an established political family to get ahead these days.
Sunday, October 02, 2016
Auteur Watch - ... Fring?
And so, while we all eagerly await his inevitable yet triumphant return to "Better Call Saul," this second Giancarlo... Giannini being the other one... tried his hand at directing. Because he took a couple looks at Spike Lee, sitting there in the director's chair, and eventually found himself thinking "...what a shmuck." To his chagrin, sure, but sometimes you just gotta desert a sinking ship, folks! And so, right out of the gate, we get 2008's Gospel Hill. I'm guessing it didn't play in the middle part of the country between the coasts, for one... Now, I hate to lump this into the same genre as Sugar Hill and Federal Hill, but... oh, right, I read it's more like City of Hope. Might as well emulate the best, right? And, why, look! Some of the same cast! Okay, just Angela Bassett... but still. And what's the deal with these stupid Hollywood posters, as the VeggieTales might ask! I mean, look at this! Danny Glover is under Angela Bassett's name, Angela Bassett is under Giancarlo Esposito's name, Julia Stiles is under Danny Glover's name, and Giancarlo Esposito is under Julia Stiles' name! Need I go on?... oh, that's the last one. No wonder the critics savaged this!
And so, time marches on, wounds are licked clean, careers are elevated by such lightning strikes as "Breaking Bad" and what not... and occasionally you get some down time to do your next feature. In Fring's case, something called This is Your Death came across his desk. It's a script about a "disturbing hit game show" has contestants ending their lives for "the public's enjoyment" and, well... I guess it's been a while since The Running Man. Or The Hunger Games and The Maze Runner. Or Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone or... well, you get the idea. Just go to this IMDb list here to get the idea. But who knows? Maybe there's some new spin to put on it, and the title's certainly provocative enough. Ought to entice the well-dressed neo-Swing dancer hipsters out there, and certainly the narcissists; you know, the ones who want to know what they're in for... but don't want to be too surprised. Ohhhhhh yeah.
Comedy as Catharsis
Now, to help boost publicity for his latest, Tim Burton gave a weird answer to someone's question... let's move on. At #2 is something called Deepwater Horizon. On the one hand, it's a gripping dramatization of the worst oil spill in human history which happened in April 2010. On the other, it stars Mark Wahlberg and was directed by Peter Berg, so you can bet that it's going to go pretty easy on the oil companies.
At #6, it's the 1976 Zero Mostel classic Mastermind... I'm sorry, it's the 1997 Patrick Stewart masterpiece, Masterminds... I'm sorry, it's the 2003 TV series "Masterminds"... Forgive me, I must be distracted. It's the 2016 theatrical release, Richard Lowry's Masterminds... Jared Hess's Masterminds and... dayamn! No wonder everyone was upset by the new Ghostbusters. The cast of the new Ghostbusters is all practically in this thing! How committed could they be to the remake of the beloved 1984 classic if they're too busy galavanting about in some other cinematic masterpiece of the same year? I was going to point out that, on top of all that, it's just a remake of the 1949 Bowery Boys classic Master Minds but I'm just too flustered to go on like this. Far far too flustered. What a long week it's been.
And finally, giant megacorporation sucking the last bit of life left from the landscape, Disney, engages in a little cultural diversity, if only for tax purposes. It's called Queen of Katwe starring Madina Nalwanga as the titular queen who learns how to play chess, and I'm assuming becomes a prodigy over the course of the film. You know, it wasn't so long ago that Disney was considering making King of Mancala starring Josh Duhamel in the lead. But time is finite, and there are only so many projects one person can do... wonder if Miles Teller's too busy to do it instead.
Saturday, October 01, 2016
Short Reviews - October 2016
Addicted - Steals the poster of Body Double
Big Fish - NOT BIGLY FISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doctor Strange - ...love? I mean, is Marvel Studios really taking on Inception? Whoa dude... the main character is a neurosurgeon who becomes a superhero. If Ben Carson's not the villain he goes up against, well... I'll be very disappointed... and so might Ben!
Double Jeopardy - I hate to keep bringing things around to Trump, and I promise I'll probably stop in November, but I can't stop thinking about how grotesque that second "debate" was. Specifically, that Trump went to all the trouble to round up that old gang of Clinton accusers. I guess Monica Lewinsky herself didn't want to participate; go figure. She apparently couldn't bring herself to parrot Trump's line about... something about America, and making it into something else. And as usual, Trump gives his brand of apology... incidentally, for all the parents out there, if you have a child who apologizes by blaming their bad behaviour on someone else... correct that behaviour, immediately immediately immediately. "I apologize for taking the last cookies out of the jar, but let's be frank, folks. My older brothers? Much worse when it comes to the jar of cookies, much worse." Anyway, this John Grisham knock-off has an interesting legal principle featured in it, even in the title if memory serves. Something about how a person can't be charged twice for the same crime. Okay, okay, that's just in the courts, but in the public eye, Bill Clinton will apparently be viewed by some as a reprehensible individual forever and ever for his various youthful indiscretions, real and imagined alike. But is this the new normal now? The next time David Vitter goes into a debate, is his opponent going to bring all the brothel workers he's been with up on the debate stage? Will Mark Cuban invite Ivana Trump and Marla Maples to the third debate? Will we just have to go to campaign websites to find out about policy positions at this point? As for the four women that Trump has apparently hired to work on his campaign, well... I shouldn't demean them any more than both Trump and the Clintons already have, but try to get paid in cash when working for Trump, because I hear his checks have a tendency to bounce. A lot.
A Face in the Crowd - I believe we have our current moment!!! (open mic)
Hacksaw Ridge - On the one hand, it's sprawling epic time, gorgeous cinematography, possibly an Oscar sweep; of course, if it wins Best Picture, how many producers would get statues? Ten? 24? On the other hand, it's directed by... Crazy Mel Gibson. Yeesh. I know, I know, he's better now.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1939) - It's not in the quotes section, but ... dayamn! Those are some very very romantic quotes! Heloise and Abelard-type sh... stuff. Anyway, here's some good advice for Donald Trump in case any more of "Trump's women" come forward with serious allegations of sexual assault. I believe it was Frollo who placed the blame for his infatuation on Esmerelda squarely where it belongs... on Esmerelda. Class act all the way. And why not? God didn't have a problem with Frollo's logic!
Inception - The older I get, the more I think to myself... boy, but dreams are stupid. First of all, you can't build anything on the beach. The skyscrapers all crumble, for one thing... what's that all about. Anyway, I remembered a little bit more of my dream today! First, I dreamed I was in the movie Assassins, and Antonio Banderas was going to kill a guy with a knife. Instead, he just threw a knife at the wall behind the guy. The wall fell over and crushed the guy instead. Looks better in court, anyway, I suppose. VERY NEXT SCENE... I'm playing frisbee in a field with a bunch of people... and that's another thing. You can't walk or run in a dream because your legs turn into bubble gum. Same thing with a frisbee... well, actually, I throw a frisbee in dreams about as well as I throw one in real life. Anyway, the guy I'm throwing the frisbee to... I got some sunlight in my eye, and I look, and the guy instantly disappears. I say to the other people in the dream field playing frisbee, "Um... he just instantly disappeared, right?" No response. Boy! I guess it's like Fleetwood Mac once said, players only love you when they're playing. So I shrugged and kept on chucking the frisbee. And yes, I blew the opportunity for a lucid dream. What can me say? Me gullible as hell.
Indecent Proposal - Well, every presidential campaign seems to impart one lesson or another, often about economics. In the current instance, 1993's Indecent Proposal is probably well within the going rate of the ruling aristocracy. One million dollars is probably still the going rate for one night with the wife of a married couple... ten thousand dollars for an afternoon tryst? If I were Jessica Drake, I'd ask to see some blood tests first......................... sorry, I'm just not that good of a writer, I confess
Inferno - Well, Ron Howard could always use a hit. Arguably, it's been a while!
Intolerable Cruelty - I'm apparently the only one I know who likes this movie at all, but see if this example of logic seems familiar to you... specifically when it comes to Donald Trump and or one of his surrogates. Sorry, one more month to go, maybe. Anyway, it's the opening scene, and Donovan Donnelly... Donaly returns home early because the production meeting was cancelled. He discovers his wife's having an affair. She clocks him on the head and stabs him in the ass with one of his more dangerous awards, long story short, and she goes to see Miles Massey, Super Attorney. Another long story short, and Miles outlines her case for her, then reaches a little bit when he says "Wasn't it in fact HE who was sleeping with the pool man?"
"Playboy Video Centerfold: Playmate 2000 Bernaola Twins" - Thank GOD Donald kept his clothes on!
SCTV - Season 2, Episode 4: "Indecent Exposure" - We just saw this one recently... the whole thing, not just the Jackie Rogers Mother Nature special. And I couldn't help but think of Trump's limp, bronze-plated debate performance, because Guy Caballero has a similar moment when he tells the SCTV Board of Directors about his Billy Barty Theory, that merely saying Billy Barty's name always gets a laugh. Unfortunately, his theory doesn't hold up the third time at that particular board meeting, once Caballero's fiduciary inproprieties come more fully into light. But don't worry, folks, because Trump's going to keep bringing up Rosie O'Donnell as often as he has already. More so now, in fact! Just like he refers to Elizabeth Warren as... well, you know. (and if you don't, even better) As for a Republican nominee for president calling on the American people to look at an alleged "sex tape," well... first of all, sure, it's more of a Libertarian move, really, and second, that's what most computer people do at work these days anyway. (And of course, third, he never said that [2nd debate]) But I'd still like to see the whites of Rudy Giuliani's eyes as he's forced to go on TV and defend this rather original political tactic. Who's next on the proverbial Uggo chopping block? Ashley Graham?
Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor - an homage to the Showgirls poster... and this, of course
Think Big - Arguably, Jon Turteltaub's best movie, and IT'S NOT CALLED THINK BIGLY!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Walker, Texas Ranger - Season 1, Episode 1: One Riot, One Ranger" - Wow! They were just showing this on a channel called "Grit." I had no idea it was the first, but I should've guessed from the opening credits, treating it like an actual movie. But I saw what's his face in it... yeah, him! Elya Baskin, that dirty ol' bastard. The one semi-serious role he ever had was as Russian Kevin Costner in Thirteen Days... love that movie.
"Westworld" (2016) - I hate to coin a phrase like "massacre porn," but... man, but we've come a long way from the simple joy of Yul Brynner doing battle with Richard Benjamin. The catering of Hollywood screenplays to the smug brains of computer programmers continues unabated... and I should know! I'm an amateur one! Now, I'm no genius, and I guess I won't try to spoil it, but in the first episode, the hot cougar lady... I mean, Theresa Cullen, played by the loverly Sidse Babett Knudsen, alluded to an "end game" to all of this. Yes, there's something deeper going on here than a giant chunk of what looks like the Grand Canyon now devoted to a theme park that seems to not be making a profit... bigly. Damn it! Apparently, it's an actual word, like "hugely" and "largely." Anyway, let's leave aside the economics of the park for a second, and get back to the "end game." I think I know what it is; I'm just not sure how J. J. Abrams and Jonathan Nolan feel about it. Could go either way at this point. If they got beat up a lot in school, well... we're probably all screwed. Let's leave it at that.
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Before the Devil Knows You're Delicious
ACT ONE
As it happens, the off-handed remark is kind of a staple of Hollywood. For those without the benefit of Jerry Beck's DVD commentary, here's the one that created the (Looney Tunes) Tasmanian devil in the first place. The Looney Tunes screenwriters... yes, they did have screenwriters, and no, they didn't just plagiarize cartoon strips. One of their tasks at hand was to come up with a new villain for Bugs. They've tried everything: pirates, bandits, hunters, what have you... The story man on this one, Sid Marcus, made the off-handed observation that the only thing they hadn't tried was a Tasmanian devil! Bingo. Lights going off, light bulb over heads, etc. The whole kit 'n kaboodle. And so, much like Bugs does in Devil May Hare, the story men (and one chick) went to the old dictionary or encyclopedia to begin the hard work of research. Don't you love stuff like that? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Of course, this is a motion picture for the tiddly-winkies age eight to eighty we're dealing with here, so a cinematic touch is needed. Well, director Robert McKimson will just have to do in a pinch, seeing as how Friz Freleng's unavailable. How Robert Clampett avoided creating this character is beyond me; I suppose because, when you get right down to it, everyone in a Clampett affair had a little touch of Tasmanian devil in them, and elasticity to boot.
To give you an idea of how scary and formidable this Tasmanian devil character is, the first animal we see zipping by is a bird. Think about that for a second... We see Bugs emptying out a vacuum cleaner full of carrot ends, and he brushes the vacuum's contents out of the picture frame... the picture of sustainability. Bugs wonders aloud for the audience what the deuce is going on. And then, the big rumble happens... one still frame alone doesn't do the sequence justice, of course. This is the best I can do for the moment.
Next scene: one of the important establishing scenes retained from a childhood spent watching this one on Saturday morning, Bugs runs through the very, very long list of animals on the omnivorous diet of the Tasmanian devil, many of which just ran past the entrance to Bugs' survivalist-style bunker. Listing lots of things is, of course, a long comedy tradition, dating all the way back to... John Cleese and George Carlin? Ooh! There's James Thurber's "The Story of O" as well; a childhood favourite of mine, incidentally. And so, the Tasmanian devil has a few more surprises up his sleeve. He's quite stealthy, having sneaked in behind Bugs while he was reading, and... spoiler alert... the Tasmanian devil is half-assed literate! In between the spinning and the gorging, he's able to add one more item to Bugs' long yet incomplete list of animals on Taz's diet checklist. I'll bet Taz makes a mean 25-meat pizza. What I'm getting at is this: Taz writes "and rabbits" in Bugs' reference guide, and even kinda daintily dots the 'i'. Taz continues to surprise! Why, I'll bet WB could get a whole show out of this guy... wonder if it's on DVD at all.
Next scene: as is tradition in all Bugs Bunny cartoons that carry the label proudly, there has to be a moment when Bugs gets an eyeful of his adversary that he will spend the rest of the celluloid affair squaring off against, and says to him or her or, in this case, it... "Eh, what's up, Doc?" The whole time, of course, Taz is wheezing and a huffin' and puffin'... you know, sometimes I get the feeling that Mel Blanc liked playing this Taz character fella. Perhaps some of that enthusiasm carried right on over to Speed Buggy and Captain Caveman, for example... wait a second. Captain Caveman and the Teen Angels? Now, I'm no member of Focus on the Family or the Cato Institute, mind you, but that raises a few red flags for me. But when you get right down to it, aren't all couples that way? He's a caveman, she's a teen angel... let's move on.
And to be fair, Taz writes "rabbits" with a capital 'R'. Okay, so he's not big on proper grammar. And so, Taz picks up Bugs as though he were going to carry him across a threshold. Almost touching in a way. But Bugs is always looking about five to twelve steps ahead, and he knows that it's the threshold to the devil's stomach. So what's Bugs' strategy here? Well, it's basically a variation on a theme, but usually Bugs has to gain direct control of the situation. He opens with a good hard hit with the carrot he was eating, saying "Put me DOWN, you baggy eyed devil!" Say what you will, it seems to have worked. Taz looks confused, and he seems downright domesticated for the moment.
ACT II
And so, Bugs makes a deal with this particular devil. Well, Bugs turned into one of the establishment eventually, as is poked fun at in his version of Duck Amuck and it's called... Rabbit Rampage? Whatever. Guess they ran out of titles that week.
And so, the characters have been introduced, the basic conflict set up... what more do you need? Time for a long series of gags, right? Something like that.
That being said, I dare say that Bugs has got a little bit of devil in him! Trying to play that Tasmanian devil like a fiddle and what not. So Bugs' plan is to help prepare a big meal for the Tasmanian devil... I guess eating trees and dirt can get a little old, but even the Tasmanian devil needs variety in the ol' diet, and a little fiber. But Bugs is thinking at least three steps ahead, and... Daily Show time! Gotta run!!!
Where was I? Oh, right. Under the ruse of helping Taz plan a meal of many courses, Bugs tells Taz that they're going to start with groundhogs. Next scene: outdoors, ground level. Bugs and Taz have shovels. "Okay, Doc, this is the spot. We'll start digging for groundhogs," Bugs tells Taz. And so, we're off to the races. Taz puts his back into it, and digs to China with a shovel about a third as fast as he could by just spinning round and round like a murderous top. Bugs starts shoveling in his own right, just not as quickly or as voraciously as Taz does, and yet Bugs is able to quickly cover up Taz with dirt, and adds a flower to the top of the pile for good measure. You know, like a grave and what not... I mean, but dayamn! Seems like Bugs has got some of the actual devil in him! Same thing happened to Elmer in The Wacky Wabbit way out there in the desert, but at least Bugs felt a little bit guilty about that one, breaking the fourth wall and saying to the audience, "Gosh, ain't I a stinker?" Not here. The stakes against Taz are a little higher. Once the flower is placed, Bugs says "And dat's dat!" No remorse; Bugs' only regret is that he didn't use concrete instead.
Next scene: unlike Bugs' earlier pronouncement, that is apparently not that. As often happens in these cartoonies for the tiddly-vinkies, cartoon characters can perform magic tricks with their own bodies. Ever the Southern gentleman, Taz is now tapping Bugs on his turned shoulder. Bugs turns around, and Taz quietly and deeply (deep voice) asks Bugs "What for you bury me in the cold, cold ground?" Reminds me of the time Yosemite Sam asked Bugs "Why did you pour ink on my haid?" Hare Trigger, I believe it was, the Friz classic. Also reminds me of Chris Elliot in Cabin Boy, because in that, he would occasionally say something in as deep a voice as he could muster, but would quickly return to his foppish, Sandler-esque character.
Which brings us back to Taz, now standing on Bugs' chest, snarling and wheezing in that way of his. But Bugs has a few tricks up his own sleeve, and he starts sniffing the air. "I smell chicken!" says Bugs. "CHICKEN?" asks Taz. Taz has calmed down again, and Bugs must follow through on his ruse, having bought himself a little bit of time. Why, Taz is far too respectful, frankly! Bugs is now off to the side, out of Taz's view, and he whips up a thing that looks like a chicken, but as we can see from the ingredients list, it is in fact a chicken sculpted out of liquid bubble gum with a bicarbonate of soda center. The background music at this juncture is a little reminiscent of the music used in Hal Roach comedies (at 3:08 or so). Bugs is able to make a chicken out of this potentially explosive mess within a few seconds... seems like it always takes me a few hours to pull off the same thing, and once it's done, I always end up feeling like it's been a full day and I'm ready for a nap. How's that happen, anyhow? Daniel Goleman? Antonio Damasio? Any thoughts?
Next scene: Bugs says "Luncheon is
Now, for those of you who live and die by Adobe Photoshop and its increasingly numerous counterparts, you'll surely have an appreciation for the special effects involved in creating the illusion of an increasingly transparent bit of bubble gum. The way I see it, this was done in either one of two ways. 1) They found a way to paint cels with a paint that could be done thin enough to see through, or 2) the more likely alternative, which is filming the bubble gum separately, perhaps on a green screen background, or maybe just black, then compositing the gum over the normal image with an optical printer. The artists and camera persons involved were so good that the final effect looks pretty seamless; alas, they don't get credit at the top of the picture.
As for the plot, well... the day a character like Taz has to slow down and chew his food more properly is a day I just don't want to live and see... NO! I AIN'T WATCHING IT!!!!!!!!!!
Next scene: fade-in on a (maybe Acme brand) portable life-raft. Apparently, as the packaging would have us believe, all you have to do is pull the cord and the raft self-inflates! Not enough self-inflating gizmos in my life, lemme tell ya; oh, the minutes I could've saved. Anyway, Bugs takes this raft and dolls it up as though it were a pig. Not one of the pink barnyard variety, mind you; more like one of those brown forest pigs, or maybe a black pot-bellied pig. As always, in the now grand Looney Tunes Merrie Melodies tradition, Bugs makes it look like a pig with two ears and a tail made of green foliage. Bugs uses black paint to paint a face on the front of the raft, and of course one eye is bigger than the other, thereby flying in the face of that Sesame Street song that starts "I've got two eyes: one, two. And they're both the same size: one, two."
And now that Bugs has jerryrigged... I mean, manufactured his latest ruse, he kicks the raft packaging out of the frame at 4:01. I know this, because the trombone adds a nice musical accompaniment to it: the orchestral version of a fart, basically. Oh, Carl Stalling, wherefore art thou? Bugs then hides behind the closest, solitary tree, hangs on to the raft's rip cord, makes very bad "oink" noises, and awaits the Tasmanian devil's damn-near-instant approach. Having liberated himself from his bubble gum hammock in the trees, Taz reappears, his mental Etch-a-Sketch having been cleared... and he takes a long time to come to a complete stop! Lol.
Taz eats the raft pig in one bite, damn near engulfing his own arms in the process. I guess that can indeed be a hazard when you're a creature that's about fifty percent mouth. I recall from my youth when he said "Melph!" while he was eating; must've been memorable. Now, the raft was easier to swallow than the bubble-gum and soda chicken, and when Taz swallows the raft, he stands in this kind of curved way, and I seem to recall a page from Preston Blair's oversized animation book, where animators are well advised to think of their characters as a short line, either straight or curved, that represents the emotional state of the character, or maybe the animator's disturbed emotional state. One of the two. The curve that Taz makes is just one of those moments. Okay, let's move on.
ACT III
Next scene: Bugs finds the tallest tree he can and quickly climbs up it. Taz stops spinning at the base of said tree and starts taking extremely large bites out of it. For those of you chronologists out there, this happens at the rate of one bite every 0.66 seconds, give or take. More like 0.67, argububably. Bugs slowly finds himself heading towards ground level... hmm! For some reason, I'm put in mind of Axe Me Another. Anyway, as Taz power-eats the tree, Bugs tries to calm Taz down. I've heard there's no worse thing to say to an angry person than "Calm down," but that's just me, and Bugs just has Taz. Sparing Bugs the indignity of climbing up into the bit of branches that's left of the tree, Taz stops long enough to see Bugs point in the opposite direction, and to hear Bugs say "A NICE FAT DEER!" Oh, and fans of animation that makes sense will surely appreciate the fact that, as Taz eats the tree, a small pile of bark builds up on the right side of the screen.
Next scene: a long shot of Bugs' ode to Claes Oldenburg that's supposed to be a deer. Next scene: ...welp, can't argue with results! For Taz is off and running like a regular two-legged beast, off to get that deer. But Bugs, in his own way, seems to be trying to tell Taz, for God's sake! HOW PATHETIC ARE YOU??!!!!!!! Bugs actually says, of course, "Not so fast!!! You'll scare him (the deer) away!" Incidentally, you know the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Ah, love that one. Anyway, for this particular ruse, Bugs has thought ahead at least two steps. Oh gimme two steps, gimme two steps babe, said Bugs unto the Lord. And the Lord provided, and Bugs saw that it was good. But let's see how it works out foist.
"Foist knock him out with this slingshot! THEN go get him!" says Bugs. Ah, reminds me of Rabbit Punch. Unfortunately, we don't get the 3D view of the aftermath this time. And so, Taz goes over to the oversized slingshot and pulls back on the giant rock in the sling. Again, Taz proves to be not so dumb, but he is the bad guy here, and as such, he deserveth what he get-eth... something like that. Note the rabbit hole beside the base of the giant slingshot, as it comes up later. Bugs drops into the hole, grabs a saw, and starts sawing away at the base of the slingshot, while Taz pulls back on the boulder. Oh, I doubt that Carl Stalling could've done much better with the music here than Milt Franklyn, but that's just me.
Next scene: now here's an unusual moment in a Looney Tunes film. Well, Taz is an extraordinary character, to be sure. A Bambi-like actual young deer (but different enough to avoid a Disney lawsuit) comes up and starts licking Bugs' hand. I think that's based on something that actually happened, probably to one of the screenwriters. The deer functions as a surrogate for the audience. This isn't the ending of Hare Tonic, after all. After all is said and done. And so, somehow knowing that Taz isn't dead, Bugs starts trying to impress upon the deer that danger is imminent. Taz-based danger, that is.
Bugs tries to explain to the deer, but, you know... I mean, it's like a deer caught in the headlights. They take a while to get out of the way. Bugs flails his arms about as he tries to paint Taz in the worst possible light possible. But then, Bugs' hand touches something and, like Billy Crystal saying "...he's behind me, isn't he?" Bugs realizes that Taz's standing there, and that he heard the whole thing. Bugs turns around and says "Yeesh!"... something like that. Mind you, this was from a simpler time, and people, and the cartoon characters they created, still felt shame. We seem to be living in a post-shame society now... on steroids. And the steroids are on crack.
...guess it's a bit too soon for the epilogue. Besides, there's feats of greatness ahead yet! But before we get to that, Taz has got something to say. To Bugs. Taz says "Flattery will get you nowhere." Again, Taz continues to impress. In between the spinning, he keeps up on the latest catch phrases! But now it's warning time, as he tells Bugs "...and ya CAN'T fool me again!" I'll skip over what Bugs says next, even though it is indeed a fine example of ... oh, what would you call it? A strategic lie? Okay, so Bugs says, "Oh, why uh, yeah yeah, that's right, Doc! This little bitsy animal's made out of straw!" Something like that. "But YOU'RE not!" sneers Taz right back. And THEN, Taz tries to bite Bugs' head off... or maybe it was just for show. But Bugs is indeed taken aback, as only a cartoon character can.
EPILOGUE
Next scene: not quite as legendary as the finale of "Breaking Bad," say, but legendary on a geological scale. While Bugs is seen running over the mountains, like A Walk in the Woods on crack-steroids, Taz is under them, like the ring party in Lord of the Rings, Part One. or something. Eventually, the range drops down after Tropical Storm Taz has passed.
Next scene: now, you'd think that a Tasmanian devil's hunger pangs would slow down a little bit, even after eating a teeny fraction of a mountain range... apparently, not so! Taz's rage levels are still on the high end of the rage spectrum and, a few bowel movements later, the mountain range is but a distant memory. Nothing like volcanic rock to really help the ol' stomach churn up the ol' food, ya know.
Note the large tree with the hole in it. Bugs is darting through the trees in the background, with a spinning Taz close behind. Bugs ducks behind the be-holed tree and Taz zips past, like the two cop cars at the beginning of Two if By Sea... honestly, I can't vouch for the rest of that movie, except that it chronicles the lives of some douchebags. And so, Bugs reaches into the hole of the tree to see what Boo Radley left for him... why, an old timey telephone, of course! Well, this is the end of the film, which means it's time for the plot-meisters to come up with the big paradigm shift, one befitting the end of the film. You can sort of guess what's coming from the ad that Bugs posts in the Tasmania Post-Dispatch over the telephone, but I mean, hey. Why spoil the surprise, right? While he's waiting on the phone, Bugs kvetches a little bit... wow! The spell-checker's got "kvetch"?
And so, the lady devil promised in Bugs' classified ad shows up, holding a teeny ring in its hand and sounding a bit like June Foray. Oh, but those kind of roles are rare for lady voice actors, aren't they? Taz and the lady devil share a kiss, then the bickering begins. Bugs had better act fast, or he'll find himself getting chased by two Tasmanian devils. But Bugs is at least one step ahead and, now wearing a Justice of the Peace outfit, blows a coach's whistle and begins this wedding ceremony. It's the short version and... well, let me just say this. If this little bit of film doesn't exist in Heaven, well... clearly it's Hell in disguise. I don't care who knows it. Why, I might have to spend a separate eternity listening to the audio from this part over and over and over again, my friend. Plenty of worse ways to celebrate the eve of destruction, no? I should probably point out that Mel Blanc does the lady devil's voice when she says "Uh huh." And does Taz have June Foray's voice when he says "Uh huh"? Oh well. Must be all part of the sanctity of Tasmanian devil marriage.
And so, with a stop-over at LAX to refuel, Taz returns to Australia with his new bride. The Milt Franklyn Orchestra plays that post-wedding song awfully damn fast, but doesn't that befit a Tasmanian devil wedding somehow? Bugs has kind of a weak line to end the film on, but after what he's been through in this pic, I guess we can let it slide.
*****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
Auteur Watch - Julius Erving
Our next auteur is... Dr. J? Boy! Everyone really does want to direct! But not everyone's path to the chair is certain. And even though it's kind of a crappy folding chair that doesn't even get used all that much (at least, not by the really good directors, or the ones who used to be DPs and prefer to spend their time sitting on the crane that has the A Camera)... where was I? Oh yeah. Dr. J. Well, his IMDb bio is certainly an eye-opener. I sure didn't know that there used to be an ABA in addition to the NBA. Well, everyone's in favor of competition, as long as they're the ones that eventually win.
Now, you can't just jump right into the director's chair. Even Steven Paul knew that. You gotta bring some kind of skill to pushing movie people around. In Dr. J's case, it was through acting. Lotta temperamental "artists" to deal with in front of the camera. But from the various TV shows, he knew all about that. Probably the highlight of his IMDb résumé would have to be The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh. HAVE to be. Well, it's kind of a short résumé and that was the only one that caught my eye, so to speak. It's got a poster like Mad, Mad World and everything!
And so, after a lifetime of professional basketball and semi-pro acting, it was time to try directing. But what to pick for a project? Well, for someone with discretion like Dr. J, only the prestige of a documentary would have to do. And the subject? Why, himself, of course! A little bit like how Jon Stewart's Rosewater didn't stray too far from "The Daily Show," thematically. But Dr. J's directorial position must've been a little more awkward. I can't even imagine sitting someone down in front of hot lights and a camera, and instructing them "Tell me about me. And... ACTION!" I think it's an unusual situation.
Now, you can't just jump right into the director's chair. Even Steven Paul knew that. You gotta bring some kind of skill to pushing movie people around. In Dr. J's case, it was through acting. Lotta temperamental "artists" to deal with in front of the camera. But from the various TV shows, he knew all about that. Probably the highlight of his IMDb résumé would have to be The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh. HAVE to be. Well, it's kind of a short résumé and that was the only one that caught my eye, so to speak. It's got a poster like Mad, Mad World and everything!
And so, after a lifetime of professional basketball and semi-pro acting, it was time to try directing. But what to pick for a project? Well, for someone with discretion like Dr. J, only the prestige of a documentary would have to do. And the subject? Why, himself, of course! A little bit like how Jon Stewart's Rosewater didn't stray too far from "The Daily Show," thematically. But Dr. J's directorial position must've been a little more awkward. I can't even imagine sitting someone down in front of hot lights and a camera, and instructing them "Tell me about me. And... ACTION!" I think it's an unusual situation.
Pratt, Back to Pratt, Pratt Again...
But this is what Hollywood's all about, right there. Bringing people together. And were it ten years earlier, we might have seen a Magnificent Seven reboot starring Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell, Steve Carell and... a couple others, I guess. But it does appear that Denzel's all-too-brief bromance with fellow alpha dog Marky Mark Wahlburgers is over. You always think when two titans of screen and tabloid get together like that, that they're going to do three pics together. Oh well, can't have it all.
Boy, what a depressing weekend. All the debuts from last week, Bridget Jones's Baby, Snowden and Blair Witch (2016) all have a two week total of about 16 million each! Sure, it's more money than you or I will ever have in our bank accounts, but by Hollywood standards? Bad. Very, very bad. Disappointing for a third installment of a somewhat beloved franchise, a reboot, and a movie about a very controversial figure. I guess Millennials respond to controversy much different than you or I as well.
The only other debut this week is something called Storks. I don't watch "Brooklyn Nine Nine" regularly so I probably missed the majority of the ads for it. It would appear that, much like Seth Rogen is getting into the Pixar game with his little R-rated effort, so too is Apatow peripheral figure Nicholas Stoller. While he's not ready to make an R-rated Pixar movie yet... sorry, I've got no second part for that. No, the production cost of Pixar knock-offs hasn't yet sufficiently dropped yet to risk an R rating or beyond. So the only thing left to wonder about is who's the production company? Is it Blue Sky? Big Idea? That ragtag group of IT people who did all those MoCap pics for Zemeckis in the 2000s? No, apparently it's just Warner Bros. They're a long way from painting on cels, to be sure.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
I Don't Want Nobody Messing with my Chicken Leg
ACT ONE
Scene: Old McDonald's Farm, and alas... all is not well at Old McDonald's Farm. For on this farm he had an old chicken named Prissy. Ay yay yay... with a Prissy here and a Prissy there and what not. Of course, when you have a character like Prissy, you tend not to think of how many Prissy cartoons there were. Now, the Tasmanian Devil? Five or six... I watched ahead. See, once I get through this review, I get to do Devil May Hare next. Another one of the little tragedies of the running tapestry that is my life. Anyway, for more information about Miss Prissy, there is indeed a Wikipedia page devoted to her. However, as of this writing, the page is incorrect, because it says that our current instant case has Henery Hawk in it. Good Heavens, sir! The South shall come again, ah say! It most certainly does not have Henery Hawk in it! It certainly would've benefitted tremendously from his presence... and I actually don't like the little sh... oe leather. Funny how that works.
And so, Prissy is introduced to the audience. Her reputation precedes her in the form of a few other hens gossiping about her before she arrives. You see, Miss Prissy is an underdog, because she doesn't fit in with the other chickens. On the other hand, the older I get, the more I believe that, if you're an underdog in a given social situation, it's usually best to just get the hell out of there. I mean, sure, who wouldn't want to volunteer at the co-op forever and get those discount cards? The only problem is, I needed a job to crawl my way out of debt!!!! Can't do that with food cards alone, guys! Sorry... another tangent. Incidentally, now that I have a job, I'm taking on debt anew! Ain't that always the way, folks?
...where was I? Oh yes. This old blue-eyed white-feathered hen is intent on defying her age and wants to lay just one more egg. Apparently, she's a bit of a broken record about it, as one of the more voluptuous looking hens comes over and says "I bet she's going to give it another try!" Oh, that's so June Foray. Apparently, none of the actresses who played Prissy liked to do it for too long. Too depressing of a part, not to mention the typecasting it would lead to. And so, Prissy endures the taunting of her co-workers, saying "Uh-yeeessssss!!!!" and walking around the corner. Incidentally, that's what the homeless dude who comes up to my vehicle does. He asks for money, and once he gets my handout, he power-walks away and heads for the nearest street intersection, and takes it... well, dime bags wait for no man! And so, we find Prissy, ears burning in her old age, enduring the taunts of her younger, sexier co-workers, and the tears start to drop. Arguably, those three hens aren't exactly the cream of the crop themselves. But whatev'z.
Next scene: enter Foghorn, the lone rooster lording over this garden of "fair barnyard flowers," as he once called them during a previous celluloid outing. Alas, the threat's not coming from without this time. Ever the Southern gentleman, Foghorn takes pity upon the long suffering Miss Prissy and... now, see, again, the boundaries are redrawn. Blanc's performance lacks some of the oomph that it had in The Foghorn Leghorn a mere one or two soiree ago. Anyway, acting as something short of a meddling God, he intervenes on behalf of Miss Prissy. Again, the older you get, the more you tend to err on the side of "no good deed goes un-punished." When you're young, you're just trying to get through the day without pissing your pants.
And so, using his strangely human hand wings, Foghorn takes an egg from one hole in the wall and moves it to the hole in the wall behind where Miss Prissy will be sitting... seriously, it's all not as lurid as my description... perverts. And so, because sittin' space in the hen house is limited, Prissy tries to make her stay in the house of hen as professional as possible. Time is money! Oh, and again, I must part ways with the Miss Prissy Wikipedia page, as it's Foghorn himself who refers to Prissy as "old square britches" and NOT one of the hens. Harumph and double harumph! Also, he didn't used to laugh like that... did he? I don't belong in this world... (wipes away tear)
Next scene: Prissy notices the egg now under her, and is startled. My friend who likes a good reaction would surely like Prissy's reaction. Me myself, I can't help but be the Pessimist (TM) and think, wow. That's how long it's been since she laid an egg. She forgot how it's done! Prissy sees the egg and starts cackling joyously about it. In your face, haters! I yearn for the pre-Instagram days. "Check out the egg, pullets" would be the caption.
Foghorn listens in on Prissy's day in the sun from behind the henhouse. However, his sarcasm-tinged joy is soon to turn to sour grapes because..............
ACT TWO
........to cut to the chase, (I know, I know... the nerve I have to ever claim that again) Foghorn's transplanted egg is hatched! And it's a baby rooster! Which, incidentally, looks nothing like Prissy, but whatev'z. The hens are buying it. Foghorn, however, suddenly feels his own shaky position at Old McDonald's Farm being threatened. If there's one thing he can't abide, it's another rooster. It's kinda like how, for a while there, when Seinfeld returned to stand-up, he mused about how children are here to "replace us." It might be a little less scary proposition to him now, and after all, he did leave the next generation with a whole show filled with great advice, and maybe a few examples of how not to behave.
Anyway, back to ol' Senator Foghorn, whose first thought, in this neo-Rooster Age, is to lay down the law, just shy of spilling the beans on his little prank. Using a command-and-control approach, he angrily storms in on the celebrating hens. The hens' reaction, to say the least, isn't what he was expecting.
And so, Foghorn goes over to see this hatched rooster. Now, we've either skipped ahead, past where a freshly hatched baby chick dries itself out and has matured enough to be able to walk around, or animated baby roosters just grow up that quickly. Whatever the case may be, I'm actually feeling Foghorn's pain, because the young rooster gets one look at Foghorn and says "Oh, hello! You must be the rooster who's job I'll be taking over!" Almost makes me pine for Henery Hawk. Actually, it does make me pine for the days of Henery Hawk, and I'm sure Foghorn would too if they didn't hit the reset button with each new celluloid outing on these here cartoon characters.
And when the baby rooster also crows about as well as an adult rooster? Well, that cinches it. Foghorn has to just walk away right then and there, saying "Hoh boy," and quickly come up with Plan B. Actually, he seems to skip right ahead to Plan M. That's M for murder. Murder with a capital 'M'. A side of Foghorn Leghorn I'm not used to seeing, let alone the possibility that Foghorn himself is the father. I mean, he's the only rooster we've seen at this Old McDonald's Farm so far, right?
Next scene: Prissy and Junior (Rooster) are playing ball with a red and white ball. The ball rolls out of the frame when Foghorn shows up... you know, to make it easier on the camera layout guys. One less detail to worry about. "As senior rooster round here," starts Fog. He explains that one of his duties on Old McDonald's Farm is to pass on all his knowledge of what being a rooster is all about on to the next generation. "Don't worry, that won't take long," said Homer Simpson in a similar situation. Sorry, I guess I'm not having fun right now. The mind wanders. Oh why oh why couldn't I be watching that instead?
Now, it wouldn't be a Foghorn Leghorn joint if he didn't stop and say something along the lines of "The boy doesn't pay attention!" This time he gets a good, long eyeful of Prissy and says "Eh, any of this getting through that little old blue bonnet of yours?" Prissy says "Yes!" and the Milt Franklyn Orchestra provides accompaniment. "Well, woman, BLINK YOUR EYES or somethin'! YEESH!!!!" says Foghorn. Foghorn formally asks for Prissy's permission to "train the lad." Prissy says "Yes!" and the Milt Franklyn Orchestra provides accompaniment... much like the same accompaniment provided earlier-like.
And so, the fun begins. Foghorn picks up Junior Rooster and holds him in his strangely-human hand-wing. In response, the angry-looking Junior bites Foghorn's strangely human pointer finger. "EEEYOWWWW!!!" says Foghorn, then gives a little "Why, I oughta..." before restraining himself. Prissy's got a worried look on her face, but it soon passes when Foghorn compliments Junior. "He's a little doll! (yecch)" says Foghorn. Fade to black.
This is probably where the Third Act should go, but I'm going to save it til 4:15 in the proceedings. And so, the groundwork is laid for Foghorn to try and kill Junior Rooster. But as creepy old Keith Morrison might say, in that smarmy way of his, there was one thing that Foghorn didn't count on! After the detectives finally took the psychic's advice and checked under the victim's fingernails, they found little bits of the killer's skin and did the DNA test... oops, wrong movie. See, Keith Morrison provides a valuable sociological service: he's smarmy on behalf of the victims who no longer have that luxury. And besides, he was getting a little tired of confronting would-be child molesters.
And so, back we go to the cartoon. Scene: the side of a busy road. As Foghorn informs us, one of the most important duties of being a rooster is knowing the answer to that old question, why does a chicken cross the road? After all, some old jokes are kind of like bacteria and viruses that you spend a lifetime building up an immunity to. A chicken crossing the road, and someone literally sitting around the house, are two of the big ones that you get very, very early. Of course, chickens in urban and suburban setting cross the road just to get some new food, and to find nice clean patches of ground that aren't all crapped up by the other chickens. So like people.
However, Foghorn's found a way to try and get rid of this young rooster, and it doesn't even involve explosives! I looked ahead and, spoiler alert, all the other methods seem to. Of course, running out into busy traffic is kind of an explosive situation in its own right, if only metaphorically. Take that scene from Bowfinger, for example! Anyway, Foghorn's got a toy red ball, which he rolls across the busy two-lane highway next to Old McDonald's farm, and asks Junior Rooster to fetch it. Just goes to show what a big city boy like me knows about chickens on the farm. I didn't know it was their job to fetch things! Anyway, you might want to skip this part of the review and watch the DVD yourself. I'll give you a minute...
...okay, welcome back. And so, Junior Rooster uses his super strength and agility, like all teeny cartoon characters before him and since, to run across that suddenly very busy street and retrieve the red ball. He scoops it up right away and runs just as quickly back. And as Keith Morrison would add, there's one other thing that Foghorn didn't count on! Like all roosters, this young Junior's already a master of psychological torture, just as young baby rattlesnakes are already as poisonous as their adult counterparts, even if they only have little tiny poison sacs to fuel their tiny fangs. Junior says to Foghorn "I don't think I did that right." Junior invites Foghorn to demonstrate the ball retrieval exercise for him. Alas, Junior's as prone as anybody to take things a little too far, adding "...unless you're SCARED!" Same thing happened to Marty McFly. Foghorn doesn't realize he's being played, so he takes the bait and does the Crossing of the Road exercise himself. You can probably guess how it turns out... but I will note that it's that second car that really gets you. Personally, I think Tex Avery did it a little bit better in one of those Droopy Westerns... I think it was Wild and Woolfy. And darn it, the YouTube community seems to bear me out. Out of respect to that one, A Broken Leghorn does a variation on the theme. Fade to black... oh, I forgot to mention. One time I was driving around on my route, and I noticed these two rabbits. One rabbit suddenly started chasing the other rabbit, and the other rabbit almost ran out into the road... and I couldn't help but think to myself, dayamn! Was the chaser rabbit really trying to get the other rabbit to run out into traffic, perchance to get flattened by an automobile? Do animals hate each other that much? I've seen the grey squirrels in my front and back yard sometimes chase each other feverishly up trees, then back down, but never out into traffic. Must be rabbit and higher or something.
Next scene: standing next to the rain spout. Is there any more beloved setting in cartoons? How many characters have ever tried crawling through a rain spout? I alas don't have the exact figures in front of me, but I'm sure it's a lot, and it's always a hoot... maybe not so much here. Here, Foghorn explains that it's time for a lesson in patience, a virtue that Foghorn seems to lack quite a lot. And so, Foghorn's diabolical plan is to have Junior wait at the bottom of the rain spout, while Foghorn drops a stick of dynamite into the top of the rain spout. Flawless, right?
Next scene: Foghorn's post at the top of the ladder, up on the roof. We find Foghorn confidently counting down to detonation time. He calls zero "oh" and gets to say that again when he opens his eyes to find that the dynamite stick he once loved but set free had somehow returned to him! Before he can even finish saying the complete "oh" of bewilderment and dread, BOOM! Off it goes. Well, the WB editors gotta have fun once in a while, you know. "One of those days, ah guess," says Foghorn, as he sits there, with his suit of feathers being a little torn and tattered now.
ACT III
And so, we're past the Third Act mark, but we're still in the process of Foghorn finding the right way to kill... er, peaceably remove this upstart young rooster named Junior from Old McDonald's Farm relatively free-range pecking yards once and for all. We've moved on from the cleverness of having a passing motorist try and do the job, and we're on to a more direct method involving firearms. And so, Foghorn has jerry-rigged... that is spelled right, right? Foghorn was watching the DIY channel or something and saw the Bob Vila episode about how to kill someone using a shotgun, and some bait tied to said shotgun with a string. Sure, it would probably only work on someone like Paul Krendler with the top of his head removed, but surely Junior Rooster will fall for it? The bait: corn on the cob, which Foghorn has to point out to the little tyke is the quintessential chicken food... even though I've heard that chickens shouldn't eat too much corn. Maybe they mean the hard kernels usually used for popcorn, I don't know.
And so, Junior runs off to try and get that ear of corn, and Foghorn tries to look away, awaiting the sound of the shotgun going off. Foghorn makes a joke about the difference between "border" and "boarder" that will probably get cut from future viewings on cable, and then he goes over to micromanage Junior, who's still tugging away at that corn cob. Apparently, the cob weighs more than Junior. Foghorn's Southern accent seems to vanish when he's shouting "HARDER!!! HARDER!!!!" Happens to the best of thespians, I guess. But the pint-sized rooster's got a lot of pluck, or gumption, or maybe the word "quit" isn't in his dictionary, because God bless him, he keeps trying. Unfortunately for Foghorn, the young rooster yanks on the cob so hard that the shotgun swings up and is now resting snugly against Foghorn's giant beak. Foghorn says "harder" a little less loudly, and indeed, seems to switch to saying "Har-de-har" instead before the gun goes off.
After the gun goes off, Foghorn ends up picking up his beak off the ground, much like Daffy Duck putting his beak back into place after getting shot by Elmer on more than about twenty occasions across several different short features. However, when Foghorn picks up his beak, he seems to be drowning in water, because he's making these disconcerting gurgling noises! Makes me long for the quiet dignity of Daffy. I'm telling you! They tinkered with the Foghorn formula, and they paid the price. But that's how it is, folks. You gotta take those kind of risks, otherwise you risk outright stagnation. Fade to black.
And so, we see Foghorn taking the top mine out of a giant wooden crate marked "Land Mines." I guess they're old army surplus mines or something. Well, that was the era when the Acme corporation was into more household-type goods... okay, bad example. Wile E. Coyote got his share of explosives and miles of railroad track from Acme. And so, Foghorn buries one mine in the ground, disguised as a gopher mound. He's got a length of thin black string and he decides that it would make a suitable substitute for a worm. And so, the ruse is that he'll pull the string, call it a worm, and tell Junior to go digging after it. Let's see how it plays out.
So far so good. I don't know why Junior would trust Foghorn any more, but Junior runs over to the string, thinking it's a worm. Foghorn pulls the string and it disappears. "He dot away!" says Junior. "Well, DIG for him, son!" says Foghorn, throwing a teeny weeny pickax over to Junior. Look how that pickax glistens in the sunlight and... dude! What if Prissy saw that? Throwing a big-ass pickax to a pint-sized rooster.
And so, Junior starts to dig for that darned old worm... to show you how my mind works, I thought Foghorn said "that sensitive mind." I had to check the Closed Captioning on that one. Why, duh! Mine with an 'e'. Guess I was overthinking it. Anyway, and so, Foghorn once again turns away, holding his ears, fearing yet eagerly awaiting the largeness of the resultant explosion. Um... spoiler alert. Remember all those times one of the Looney Tunes / Merrie Melodies characters plays a piano that has a bomb attached to a very specific piano key? Remember how those usually turn out? Same thing here. Spoiler alert #2: Junior is gently pushed off screen by the resulting explosion.
EPILOGUE
"MAKEUP!!!!" screams Daffy... sorry, I was thinking of A Star is Bored. Gotta wait for Volume Five for that one, alas.
And so, having exhausted his supply of explosives, Foghorn decides to take his case directly to the management of Old McDonald's Farm. "It's either that kid or me! One of us has gotta go!" says Foghorn loudly to himself on his way into the office... sorry, probably should've had that quote in all-caps. Now, for those of you who say that government is too inefficient, well... let's try to leave the current (sorry excuse for an) administration aside for the moment. And sure, business could probably be more efficient for some in the business sector, so they will probably admire the speed at which the management of Old McDonald's Farm processes Foghorn's grievance. As for me, well, I can't help but think of that old line in A Serious Man and in Bridge of Spies... something about that the boss isn't always right, but he's still the boss. And again, departing from the formula. These things are supposed to end with Henery Hawk getting his first chicken after all, even if it's not a chicken. One time it was Sylvester. Another time it was Foghorn, the dog and a horse. In The Foghorn Leghorn it was a loud-mouthed shnook. Here, the Acme Poultry Co. drives slowly away with just Foghorn in its truck with the giant man-sized cage in the back. I'm thinking Foghorn will be a little too gamey, but whatever.
**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
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