Look, Ma! No Nukes!

At my local video store last night I was going to buy Daddy's Dyin', Who's Got The Will? on special... special Price DVD. I looked to see what extras it had, and it only had the theatrical trailer. No thanks! What about that music video they did? Could no one find it, or was it just tied up in ribbon after ribbon of copyright red tape? For shame, MGM! Or whichever studio is responsible. Oh, why did Judge Reinhold have to go and grow up? I was a little freaked out because they show movies on a TV just for their customers, and they were showing something I had just checked out two days previous: the DVD of John Carpenter's They Live! Guess I feel a little flattered about that.
Anyway, speaking of being freaked out, Dubya's once again freaking out the whole world, this time by threatening to use nukes on Iran. You know, just like in the Bible! For Dubya and his ilk, it's not just a question of when, but why not today? Right now? (warning: proselytizing ahead, grandstanding, soapboxing... turn back now!)
See, because it's all about TV moments with these guys. Reagan saying "Tear down this wall", Nixon saying "We just have different ideas about achieving those goals...", McCarthy saying "And if there's one Communist in this government, THAT'S STILL ONE COMMUNIST TOO MANY!" Bush Sr. saying "Read my lips..." Wait, scratch that last one.
It's also all about using the TV to stir public support, scare us shirtless, whatever. If only that darn pesky liberal media didn't slow things down by showing the devastation of Hurricane Katrina, what have you. That's why they're liberal. They didn't call it the Freedom Flood.
Me, myself, I tend to romanticize the U.S. and think of it in terms of a body. You know, freeways are arteries, roads are capillaries, cars being the blood cells. That kind of thing. So, in this analogy, the nerve center through the ages has changed, from telegraphs and a loose affiliation of newspapers. I like to think of the Postal Service as the nation's thoracic duct, if youwill; that's called a Shout Out to my peeps, that's what that is! Anyway, so from telegraphs to newspapers to Newsreels shown in movie theaters, and now TV and the internet being the dominant forces. Furthermore, the idea that ideas can be like viruses and bacterial infections that we need antidotes for. It took us a while to shake off the idea of Schwarzenegger for President, but this whole Iran thing has a more sneaky appeal, and a more urgent need for antidotes. I am kinda curious what Orrin Hatch thinks of all this, but who cares. He seems to like all crazy ideas anyway, no matter how crazy they are. ...Oh, I thought he was in Dave! Nah, just Traffic.
So, for the sake of Dubya's pride, we need to change the old proverb to a new one: if a nuclear bomb falls in the desert and no one on TV hears about it, does it really exist? Just as long as it doesn't hit the oil fields, I guess not. On Air America radio, I think it was Norm Ornstein saying that it's unprecedented for ex-Military brass to speak out in public, as there is this respect that the Military have for civilian leadership. Well, this is indeed now become the era of Questioning Everything, and it seems to me that Dubya is hell bent on taking all those things that were unprecedented, and making them so. Kinda makes you long for the sitting ducks of Yesteryear, huh?

Emergency Auteur Watch: McT - No Tapping!

For those of you in the Red States, and for that matter the Blue ones as well, if you thought Hollywood was some kind of wiretap-free Green Zone, today is the day that that illusion has been shattered. And who better to bring down that curtain than that mega-Action superstar director, the man who made and braided... let me rephrase. The man who single-handedly makes and breaks genres over his knee like so much kindling, the action man's Oliver Stone, it's the Mighty Mighty MacT! The only director in recent memory who had two films open against each other, within two weeks! Eaters of the Dead and that remake thingie with that wicked-ass Nina Simone song featured in the climactic climax. Not even King Midas has pulled that one off! (Except maybe for Always and IJ3...) Currently working on Crash Bandicoot: the Motion Picture... hmm! Sounds a little like they want to call it Crash Raiders. Also sounds like we wanted to revisit the Medicine Man locales li'l bit. Also working on something called Deadly Exchange, which may be about this current news episode! Ronald Shusett? Must be based on a Philip K. Dick short story, too.
Anyway, back to the episode at hand. Damn you, Tony Pellicano! How many more lives must you ruin? Well, I'm not taking the rap for you this time, or any time! And neither is McT, damn it! Okay, so he wanted to try to figure out why Rollerball ate it at the Box Office. I tell ya, it was Red Mountain's fault! Also because it was a soft PG-13, not a hard PG-13. As we all know, a film has to have a $100 million budget to qualify for the hard PG-13. The original was R, which today might be PG-13, but in these instances you have to either match the rating of the original or go it one better. Case in point: The Ladykillers, which at least managed to crack the Top 10. And while we're on the subject: let me give another shout to NCFOM. Javier! Trust me. Do this movie. I suggest taking the part of Chigurh, but you'll have to be in better shape than you were for Collateral. Believe me! Just being associated with this project has already helped your career. But that Pedro el Negro stuff, pure gold. You may get through to those yet who still can't stop quoting Pulp Fiction. You're the new Raul Julia, my man!! Get used to it.
D'oh, got off track again. Anyway, from what I can gather from the story, Mr. McT hired Pelican-O to wiretap Karl Rove. First of all, big mistake. Don't mess with Texas, or this White House. Even if you're one of the Pioneers, there's no tapping the big boys. They do the tapping. Second, ...oh, I'm sorry. It's a producer named Charles Roven. Sounds like he's to McT what Jean Doumanian was to Woody Allen: the scapegoat for diminishing box office returns. As if he doesn't have enough to worry about, he's got Batman Begins 2 irons in the fire! Kewl! Sounds like HE should be doing the wire-tapping!
Man, is it past my bedtime. Anyway, the story I read also said "Allegations against Pellicano include tapping the phone of actor Sylvester Stallone and having police run the names of comedians Garry Shandling and Kevin Nealon through a government database." That's funny, because I was just thinking about that bit today that Kevin did a long time ago, when he was young and hungry... well, young, anyway. Would you rather... for example, would you rather be indicted for wiretapping an associate of John McTiernan (McT) ... or, would you rather someone accidentally read that you dug up dirt for Steven Seagal? Yo, a big time Aikido action star and you need someone to change your diapers for you? I thought you always wanted to be a wiseguy! How is dat gonna help? Incidentally he's slated to play at the Tractor on May 27th in beautiful upstate Seattle! Seagal and his Seagal-ettes. I'm told all his martial arts buddies will fill the audience, ringers, if you will. So if you want to come down and hear some geniune Mississippi Delta blues, you can forget it because his martial arts buddies will be there to maintain order. It's gonna make Altamont look like a day care center! ...A NORMAL day-care center!!

Before They Were Names

Well, the Box Office report is mere hours away, but before we get to that it's time for another installment of Before They Were Names! That's right, where we take a closer look at celebrities who had to be molded ever so slightly to fit into the Celebrity mold. Take Michael J. Douglas, for example. Before he became Michael Keaton he was reading about Diane Keaton and decided, much to his agent's dismay, that Michael Keaton sounds pretty good! After all, there can't be TWO Michael Douglases in the union, right? And how about Piper Perabo? Well, that's a trick one, actually. She was pre-named after Piper Laurie, but thankfully the Right to Life movement haven't gloated too much about that one. And to think, she could've played the lead in Uptown Girls... or was it Little Black Book? I can't remember...
And last, but certainly not least, it's good ol' Vin Diesel, Charlie Brown. To pick a name this outlandish, you've got to go with pure inspiration, and inspiration he did. Named firstly after Vin di Bona, the prolific producer of America's Funniest Home Videos and Entertainment Tonight, and clearly some of that magic has rubbed off. And diesel, well, what can you say? It's the world's perfect fuel, and only the most powerful engines in the world are powered by diesel fuel. I mean, you can't just drop a match in it and set it ablaze! Both Vins know this, and it's what drives them both to this very day.
Well, that's it for this installment of Before They Were Names. Be sure and stay tuned for the next one!

Anchors Away (take 2)

Dang! My computer's wonking out on me again, as the Canadian-ese might say. But I'm going to persevere, nonetheless, because that's how dedicated I am to this g.d. blog. Why, I haven't even finished my taxes yet! And where's the glory in that, I ask you, loyal fan base? Clearly not as brilliantly shining as this is...
Anyway, enough of that. I lost my first draft but I think I can get most of it back, if not the essence of it, but only if I work quickly. I was noting that every once in a blue moon, somehow people's interest in the critical news of the Movie world is eclipsed by another lesser Sphere of Influence, and clearly this week that was the news of ... the News world! For example, Katie Couric is gaining attention by jumping the Today show ship and shanghai-ing the crew of the CBS Evening News, thereby ousting that current steward of Dan Rather's old chair, Bob Schieffer. Sorry, Bob, you're the Dick Gephardt of anchors now! (even I don't know what that means...)
And the aftershocks are being felt farther down the chain as you'd expect. Why, that hunky Rather look-alike John Roberts pulled a Morton Dean and skipped over to CNN! Oh man, TMI. (Too much Information!) Another Canadian import. Don't we have our own homegrown Dan Rather look-alikes? And Muchmusic? Canada's MTV? Well, there'll be plenty people who are more sore about that than I, so I won't hold that against 'im. Why, even Clooney's got things in his past, right? C'mon, fella, let's get cracking on Hail Caesar already! You got better things to do? I think not.
Guess that's about it for the anchors; of course, I don't know when this transaction took place: the hunky Bill Hemmer... maybe he got bumped by Roberts, but he's officially gone over to The Dark Side now. Many will enter, few will return unscathed, someone should've warned him about that. Why, you may ask? Because once you get in the hot tub with Roger Ailes, that's just how it is, let alone the rashes. I guess he was wise enough not to get his own show this time! I mean, how often can you ask people if they're Republican or not, and maintain the good ratings?
And so we wrap up our coverage of the news reporters, because when the news makes news, they cancel each other out.
Not much happening in the world of movies... still waiting on the summer blockbusters. What's Stephen Sommers up to, I wonder? Or Tom Shadyac, for that matter... maybe we'll do him next in Auteur Watch. This Accepted thing grabbed my fancy briefly when Tom described the premise, but these GRQ (Get Rich Quick) schemes only seem to work out for those who do it first, and thoroughly.
Better wrap this up. The computer's making that telltale clicking noise again!!! So long, hard drive! :(

Brrr! Oh, the Frozen Box Office Tundra

Welp, 50 million John Leguizamo fans can't be wrong, as Ice Age 2 once again gleams the cube at the Box Office, being not only #1 of the week, but #1 overall, and according to CNN it's the first flick to reach 100 million this year! Something depressing about that, but I can't put my finger on it, and probably don't want to... or my tongue, lest it get stuck and frozen in the process.
Coming in at #2 it's Benchwarmers, The with 19.7 million, making it 5th overall. Not bad! I guess they decided to leave the Caddyshack-esque Happy Madison vanity logo off of the TV spots, given the disastrous performance of this year's earlier effort, Grandma's Boy. But kudos to all the usual Happy Madison players, like Subway Guy Jon Lovitz and Adam Sandler, and hopefully this won't hurt Molly Sims' career too much.
At #3 it's Take the Lead with 12.1 mill, making it 7th overall. Having Antonio Banderas on SNL the same weekend helped a little bit. I wonder exactly how much it helped? And couldn't Melanie have been on hand for the proceedings? She's done the show! She could've given pointers...
Coming in at #4 it's Inside Man with 9.13 mil, giving it 66 mil total, making it #3 in the cumulative rankings. Why, Spike hasn't had this big a hit since ... since ... Bamboozled?
Rounding out the Top 5, that place where most news outlets grow disinterested with the box office returns, it's that new mindf--- entry into the genre Lucky Number Slevin. More people would've gone to see it, but they didn't know how to say the name!!! Owch...

We'll plow ahead, ne'theless. Five more to go! #6 gives us FTL which is 2nd in overall raking-in-of Big Box-Office Buckaroos. WHAT IS IT ABOUT THAT MOVIE?? While it's not yet posting Wedding Crashers-caliber numbers, maybe that big time TV critic could still do a special about this one, and how it's become this phenomenon that just won't die.
At lucky #7 it's ATL. Guess I still don't care. ...but I will give it up for Antwone Fisher! You go, Script Doctor Man!
At #8 it's V for Vendetta. (4th overall...) What can you say? This turkey's got legs! And apparently making the movie was an enjoyable enough experience that all the cast and crew voted it into the IMDb Top 250. And when you get right down to it, isn't that worth so much more? Not to spoil any surprises, but this has already spawned plans for a sequel, maybe two. The next one will be called MV for More Vendetta. Now, how can you argue with that?
At #9 it's Phat Girlz with only a small appetite for box office dollars, raking in a low-caloric 3.11 million. Making it 10th overall, cumulonimbus! Whazzup w/dat? The way I see it, in my own narrow way, either people are still recovering from Madea, or they should've had Anthony Anderson in the movie for balance of energy.
and finally at #10, 9th overall, it's Thank you for Smoking. I wonder if the filmmakers expected it to do this well. Well, it's doing better than Basic Instinct 2, that's for sure! Maybe BI2's bigger overseas. Maybe not. Maybe in 20 years it'll be seen as a classic, at which point they'll complete the trilogy. The point being: M. C-J, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Well, that's about it for me, and this week at the Box Office. Oh why, oh why does it take so long for next week to arrive?

Auteur Watch: DAVID DENEEN

That's right! You heard me. David Deneen. His credits are a little hard to find, as they are not all at the IMDb. Still trying to get a full blown feature pic deal off the ground, he has managed to find the time to do the occasional acclaimed short as well as the occasional beer commercial just to pay the bills. But he'll always have that Mighty Acorn that grew this mighty oak which stands before you now. Ah'm talkin' bout his entry into The Blue Racer hall of fame, right alongside Sid Marcus, Hawley Pratt, and whoever else worked on those, in an entry apparently farmed out to his native New Zealand/Australia, "Aches and Snakes". Who does he think he is, Steven Paul? Check out the wicked-ass animators names!! The backgrounds are a little funkier than other DFE Productions, but hey! Variety is the spice of life, is it not? After all, freedom isn't free. These aphorisms can't live in a vacuum! But enough about Rocko's Modern Life...
So, while Kraal may be behind him, there is Guests ahead of him; kinduva Desperate Hours in Sydney kind of thing but without the luxury of Kelly Lynch's ample bosom to sell tickets. Well, I may be the only one pulling for ya, Dave, but still.. Give 'em Hell! Stick it to Roger Donaldson and his ilk already in the loving embrace of that great Inner Circle of Auteurs! You'll make it yet, or do you not want it bad enough?

THE SEX ISSUE

Arthur wanted to say something, but kept silent, took the Army Colt
he thought, and he smiled. His race to learn had begun.
Austin isn't a bad guy, he's got the right mix of courage and ...

Oh wait. A little something from my latest spam email. And that brings us right to the SEX ISSUE! And if this doesn't get me kicked off, nothing will. Frist of all, (and what's HE doing on the IMDb, anyway? Even Alan Simpson was in Dave! Oh, things are still going to hell...) there is of course the sleazy guy in Homeland Security who's in handcuffs right now ... don't encourage him! The way I see it, it's all a ploy so Dubya can say "See? Homeland Security just doesn't work! In fact, I think it was all Clinton's idea, originally." I forget the guy's name, but it's not Brian Doyle-Murray. All right, moving on.
Meanwhile, in other news, I managed to peruse some of the latest issue of Teen People magazine. One of the grabber headlines is "What's your sex I.Q.?" I don't think Dubya should read the article. Him and his abstinence-only buddies would be very, very depressed by it. Either that, or ickily turned on by it. Shakira was on the cover. Good for you, girl! You don't need plastic surgery. Heck, if you've gotten this far without it. Don't be like Cher or Jacko.
Oh my Lord, AFV is on. Something evil about that show, that constant unrelenting flow of video. Puts the Riddler's Box in perspective. But you gotta love the animals. And a victory for Tom Bergeron, a very respectable addition to the show, but I think they should never got rid of Daisy Fuentes.
In other news, movie news in particular, Ray Romano is still trying to make himself into the Queen of the Indie circuit with his gonzo comedy entry, 95 miles to go. Hey! What about your twins? It was directed by Tom Caltabiano; he's good, but he's no Michel Gondry, or even Thomas Schlamme.
Meanwhile, I don't watch South Park, but I did catch some of an episode where they go after Family Guy, and I gotta say there was some good writing in there. They didn't do Peter's laugh, though. Too bad, they should've.
Hey! On PBS they're showing Capra's last, Pocketful of Miracles with CPA Peter Falk on acting and narrating duties. Why does that make me think of an Otto Preminger flick?
Oh yeah, and Spiely's gone skankin' into the Reality Show TV game. Does he feel that threatened? C'mon, guy! Get crankin' on IJ4 already! ...Jeff Nathansan out? Ouch! David Koepp in; well, War of the Worlds was pretty bangin'. I liked it, anyhow, Tomkat or not. Note to David: talk to Stephen about going on Papa Bear's Show. A blatant desperate cry for attention. Not good.
Oh yeah, and Thank you, Harry Taylor.

Chris Farley, and 9/11 Goes to the Movies

I think we've found the new Adrian Lyne! And it's Paul Greengrass with his latest Easter turkey, United 93. No, it's not a sequel to Passenger 57, it's about the big one, this generation's December 7th: September 11th, my friends. Oh, but 9/11 movies are so like Lay's potato chips; Hollywood can't produce just one. And that's why Oliver Stone, who hasn't had a scare of concurrency like this since the Alexander Wars... (it's gone now, but Baz Luhrmann briefly had planned on a movie starring Leonardo di Caprio, I assume as Alexander. Apparently, Romeo + Juliet didn't do that well to justify the Casting Callback. Too baz, Bad! heh heh...) where was I? Oh yeah, so Stone's got a 9/11 movie as well. Oh, I hope it's partisan and stilted! With cameos by Anthony Hopkins and Val Kilmer. Lemme guess, the Dutch were really behind 9/11, right? Can Joe Pesci play Dutch? The leap from al-Qaeda to Iraq is nothing if not an enigma wrapped in a riddle...
In other news, Chris Farley does a new billboard that says "It wasn't all his fault." Unfortunately, it's not a Public Service ad for sobriety, but for some kind of ... sobriety pill? I was as big a fan of Farley as you'd find, but I don't think he was into seeking treatment! Besides, do we really need something that gives people the ability to take MORE illegal drugs? I'm talking to you, Chaser Online!
Never mind, I thought they had an official website.
In other movie news, the MTV Dance Show Movie Continuum continues unabated with the latest entry, Take the Lead. Since time immemorial, all them movies like Take the Hint, Honey (Oops! Sorry, Jessica. First Playboy, now this!) and ... what else? I don't know. Too many. Oh yeah, You Got Served! Another one. Another one to watch.
What else? While the saturation bombing campaign for Thank You for Smoking continues, I fear that movies like The Sentinel will fall through the cracks. So, back to the other one: I remembered that Buckley guy was on The Colbert Report flogging his little book! I don't think he even said it was now a major motion picture, which may be to his credit on the one hand, but on the other I don't think he'll be happy with the translation from page to screen: the liberals in the picture do entirely too much talking!
And now SM4 is on the horizon, and it's ready to clean up at the Box Office. But it'd help to have some kind of scene to grab audiences, like Michael Jackson from SM3. Leslie Nielsen shirtless is a start, but listen to the focus groups for other signs!
Why, I haven't even gotten to "Pepper Dennis" yet! But then, who has? :)

(Editor's Note: this blog post has been digitally remastered... in this context, it means that all the old IMDb links have been changed from "us.imdb.com" to "www.imdb.com," because when this was originally posted, that was the way the IMDb was doing things domestically.  Now they're not.  But if you click on a link to "us.imdb.com," you'll get this warning.  A warning about how you're headed to a not-very-secure website and what not.  Hmm!  Must be why this blog post was particularly popular!  That'll probably stop now.)

The Cutting Edge of Spam, and Box Office Report...

...effortlessly, and lifted into the dark night air. The Flock was roused"Can't we talk about the arts instead? Wouldn't the listeners care toArthur shook his head, hurt."Not bad. And you?" He didn't answer. He hugged my neck, pressed me tohands stuffed into the damp pockets of his jumpsuit. It was light.The lock clicked and the voices were quieter. Obviously they had gone


Seem familiar? If not, you haven't been checking your spam email lately! It's the latest tactic, a little bit of a pulp novel at the bottom, just the thing an internet worm might ride on :) This is why it's not as fun to be a telemarketer. Hey, I just blew your mind; now let me do your next mortgage!

Boy, am I disappointed in this week's returns, and you'll find out why at the end. I'm starting at the top this time, which of course is Ice Age 2: Glacier Boogaloo with a whopping 70.5 million dollars. Top that, Pixar! Talking cars? I don't know. But it's not all good news, it's only 3 million behind Failure to Launch's #1 cumulative total of 73.2 million dollars, but give IA2 a couple more hours and it'll surpass even that.
Meanwhile at #2 it's Inside Man. Oh, don't spoil it for me! Haven't seen it yet. Might as well use this opportunity to give a Shout Out to scriptmeister Russell Gewirtz, whose previous credits include two episodes of the short-lived "Blind Justice". Sorry, Wirtzy, there's only enough money in television for J.J. Abrams, David E. Kelley and the Law and Order people.
At #3 it's ATL, which explains the Top 3 in terms even the suburban types can understand: send the kids to Ice Age 2, the teenagers to ATL, and the adults watch Inside Man, or as I would've thought, BI2 but moron that later.
At #4 it's FTL (See #1). Hear that, movie studios? That's your new ad campaign right there!
At #5 it's V4V... nah, it's played already.
Stay Alive stays strong at #6. Good work, Hebrew Hammer! Man, the IMDb voters work fast. This is already in the Bottom 100 along with Larry the Cable Guy's flick. Manos, the Hands of Fate used to be the King! #1 worst movie. At least, until the crews of these other movies started voting...
But I digress. At #7 it's She's the Man. What can I say? Damn you, Fickman!
#8 brings us Slither. Did I see correctly in the trailer? A teenage girl swelled up to pregnant proportions by those creepy crawlies? In a couple years this kind of thing will be PG-13, you'll see.
#9 is Shaggy Dog, The. ALSO on the Bottom 100. Team Wibberley 4Ever! Too bad they can't put that on a vanity license plate. Not to be confused with David Webb Peoples and wife.
Finally, we come to the biggest box office story in a long time. Lord knows how much money was poured into advertising the release of Basic Instinct the second. I think Gloria made more money than this! People just knew the reincarnation of Carolco was a bad idea. I was re-watching Ms. Stone's interview on The Daily Show, a little misty-eyed for some reason. Pining for my long lost teenage years, I suppose. Maybe I was thinking this is what could've happened to Elisabeth Shue. But I'm not worried, there's always "Huff" after all to fall back upon. As for the filmmakers themselves, take a look at what's #1 this week and note it well, because the only way Basic Instinct 3 is going to work is either by (a) waiting another 16 years (Stone goes from MILF to GMILF?) or (b) BI3 is done by Pixar. :)

It's an April Fools kinda Weekend

Don't kid yourself, folks! April Fools Day is under attack from, guess who, the usual suspects! But not here, thank goodness. Think of this blog as your April Fools Day Green Zone, if you will. And all this month, we're featuring a special image theme. See if you can guess it. I'll give you a hint: the eyes have it!
Anyway, big big weekend, folks. The entirety of Hollywood is holding their breath as that juggernaut, if you will, is being unleashed on an unsuspecting Red State kinda public. That's right, Basic Instinct 2 is upon us. But what kind of an impact can it possibly have, in this day and age? They seem to have toned down the lesbian theme, if any, which back then seemed a little more potent. Today the USA is a lot more lesbian friendly... friend-bian? Les-dly? See, this is why I don't get paid the big bucks. Someone more talented than myself could combine those two words more effortlessly. But back to the main thread. These days, in the internet age of today, where Basic Instinct 1-type ilk is all over the internet and cable, will this film have the same, if any, impact? Will Sharon Stone's loyal fan base even bother to show up? Who is David Morrissey and how many turned down that part before him? More depressing than that, if this hits big, how many old dusty scripts are Leora Barish and Henry Bean gonna shop around town? So scampish!
What else? Guess that's about all we can do with that for now. Well, there's only one place to go for new movies, and that's Moviefone! And it says there's a movie on the horizon called Adam & Steve. Sorry, Homer Simpson already did that when he became a man of the cloth. "Let's see, who am I doing next, Adam & Steve or Madam 'n Eve?" There's Something about Marrying, yeah! That's the one... Ah, the IMDb expands its ever widening grasp, yet it can't get my hyperlinks right. Well, gotta keep trying. Anyway, This Is Your Moment, Craig Chester. Your moment to shine. Right there in the national spotlight. All your hard work from the days of Swoon has not only finally paid off, but come full circle, and I can only imagine that the latter is the more satisfying. Either way, it won't be a big payday. Better tout it as the new Brokeback Mountain, only without the humor and the production values.
Nah, all quiet on the box office front! I guess the release date for MI3 got pushed back or something. I coulda sworn it was March 30 at some point, but I guess May the 5th is much better, the ol' Cinco de Mayo, gringo! Better wrap this up, it's a little past my bedtime. But before I forget, let me give a shout out to Tommy Lee Jones, currently in negotiations to do the Coens' new pix, No Country for Old Men. Tommy! Trust me, do this picture, whatever the cost. You just did Man of the House. I rest my case. They can just as easily get Billy Bob to do that part if you don't. They're okay, they know Barry Sonnenfeld. You can always call Barry in a pinch!
Just saw a clip of Phat Girlz. I'm gonna have sweet dreams tonight! Biltmore... I love it! :)
p.s. Ah Hah! David Spade, I owe you again. Just saw the Web Ad for Disney's The Wild. Yeah, I liked it the first time, when it was called Madagascar.

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Well, the battle is on again for the soul of the non-union working class. Who will win? Oh, God, PLEASE let it be the corporations. It's called the Culture of Life, not Better Quality of Life! That's too much work.
Speaking of looking through the bent back tulips, Bruce Willis is going to have a very busy 2006 indeed! With or without Ashton Kutcher, or for that matter, M. Night WhatsHisName. And without Sin City 2 or 3!!! Well, maybe he's in negotiations. But there are sequels in his future, namely Die Hard 4, or as they seem to be calling it: Die Hard 4.0: Die Hardest. Oh, and I thought it was just a far-off dream. They say there's script troubles... well, troubles, if you call Bruce Willis just not wanting to come off looking like a jerk 'troubles''! I mean, is that too much to ask? Anyway, from what I understand, my insider Hollywood source tells me that this time Detective John McClane squares off with the winner of Freddy vs. Jason. It'll be a beautiful thing if it happens. No one has seen the likes of this kind of conflagration of great movie franchises ever! And they say there are no new ideas in Hollywood. Actually, I did see something like it, but it was that ad for Universal Studios movies, where each letter of the word Universal had a different movie in it. Maybe it'll be like that. All flash and no pan.
In the meantime, Bruce has no time to worry about 16 Blocks, and how it's stinking up the box office, because the new one is... Lucky Number Slevin? Is that what it said? It's the New Age alphabet with 7s turned every which way to form other letters... There's probably a website dedicated to letter-turning, somewhere. No time to look for it now! At least it's not based on another one of those damn graphic novels! Oops...
In other news, the Weitzs are at it again. Either that, or they're splitting up to try it on their own, it looks like! This time it's American Dreamz. Well, as David Spade would say, I liked it the first time... when it was called Chasing Liberty! Although the cute Mandy Moore is doing a stretch this time: she's NOT playing the President's daughter this time! WOW! I mean, where can you go from there, role-wise? Geena Davis tried the President thing, look what happened!

In other news, Thank you For Smoking is taking it to the next level. Or, just running the cast trailer. Hey, it's not just Aaron Eckhart, folks. It's Robert Duvall doing Richard Dreyfuss, or reprising his role from A Civil Action. Maria Bello! Wm. H. Macy! It's The Cooler 2! Too much excitement. I gotta go. :)

Global Warning

To save myself some time I found the transcript of last week's final New Rule on Politically Incorrect... I mean, Real Time with Bill Maher. When's that other one coming out on DVD?
Anyway, the transcript was on this web page and people were posting their feeble rebuttals: oh, it's all soluble CO2, Maher's a damn dirty long-haired hippie, what have you. No one willing to concede, willing to think about the message, or willing to see how low this administration is willing to stoop to quash science. But enough about that, here it is in all its unabashed glory. Only one swear in it! See if you can find it...


And finally, 'New Rule,' nobody can use the phrase 'our greatest problem' anymore unless you're talking about global warming [applause]. President Bush has been saying we're in 'a war on terror' and now I get it: He's not saying 'terror,' he's saying 'terra,' as in terra firma, as in the Earth. George Bush is an alien sent here to destroy the Earth [laughter and applause]. I know it sounds crazy, but it made perfect sense when Tom Cruise explained it to me last week. (laughter)
Now last week on 60 Minutes, James Hansen, who is NASA's leading expert on the science of climate, delivered the world's most important message. He said, 'we have to, in the next ten years, begin to decrease the rate of carbon dioxide emissions and then flatten it out.' If that doesn't happen in ten years, we're going to be passing certain tipping points. If the ice sheets begin to disintegrate, what can you do about it? You can't tie a rope around an ice sheet -- although I know a certain cowboy from Crawford who might think you could.
And that cowboy and his corporate goons at the White House tried to censor Mr. Hansen from delivering that message, claiming such warnings were 'speculative.' This from the crowd that rushed into a war based on an article in The Weekly Standard [applause.] This from the guy who thinks Kyoto is that Japanese Emperor dude his dad threw up on [laughter].
Global warming is not speculative. It threatens us enough so it should be considered a national security issue. Failing to warn the citizens of a looming weapon of mass destruction -- and that's what global warming is -- in order to protect oil company profits, well that fits for me the definition of treason and codified treason [applause]. The guy in the White House who made the edits was Phil Cooney, who had been an oil industry lobbyist before given this job as head of the White House Council on Environmental Quality. That's the office that is supposed to be watching out for us. But that's where Phil busied himself crossing stuff out in scientists' reports because apparently in Phil's mind he hadn't switched jobs. He was just doing his old job -- oil industry lobbyist -- from a different office. You know, in the people's house.
Republicans have succeeded in making the environment about some tie-died dude from Seattle who lives is a solar-powered yurt and eats twigs. It's not. This issue should be driven by something conservatives are much more familiar with: utter selfishness. That's my motivation. I don't want to live my golden years having to put on a haz-mat suit just to go down and get the mail. Those are my Viagra years [laughter] when I'll be thinking about having children. [Jason Alexander laughs] But I wouldn't know what to tell a kid about our world in twenty years. 'Dad, tell me about the birds and bees.' 'They're all gone, now eat your soylent green.'
We are letting dying men kill our planet for cash and they're counting on us being too greedy or distracted, or just plain lazy, to stop them. So on this day, the 17th anniversary of the Exxon Valdez oil spill, let us pause to consider how close we are to making ourselves fossils from the fossil fuels we extract. In the next twenty years, almost a billion Chinese people will be trading in their bicycles for the automobile. Folks, we either get our $hi** together on this quickly, or we're going to have to go to Plan B: Inventing a car that runs on Chinese people! [laughter]

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In movie news, there's a new Slither! Looks like Dreamcatcher, li'l bit. (they don't have the shoebox thing there! Dang...) Me, myself, I prefer the old Slither, even though I haven't seen it in a while. In the TV ad, they have a quote from Eli Roth on how great the film is. Who does he think he is, Peter Jackson? TV commercials have come a long way, gore-wise. First, zombie pirates pushing burgers, now this!

Box Office Report 3/26/'06

Ah, time once again for the latest Movie Hooligan Box Office analysis / wrap-up. Only Daily Variety gives more in-depth coverage to such things.
Well, let's get right to work, shall we? At number 10, it's 16 Blocks with 2.21 million dollars, and it's 6th cumulative over-all. Well, I've already said all there is to say about it, 'coz ATL's on the horizon now, b'atch!! But before I do, I did notice there's like 20 producers on this movie. So if, theoretically, this wins Best Picture, do those 20 people get to go up to the podium?
Moving on. At #9, it's Eight Below, STILL the #1 cumulative total of our Top 10 with a paltry 77.2 million!! Well, it ain't summer yet. People are saving up for then, when all their kids are out of school and need a place to spend a couple hours while... See that, Dick? This is Paul's revenge for Timeline!
#8 brings us The Hills Have Eyes with 4.25mil, making it 5th Total Box Office-wise. I don't know how good it really is, but I know one thing: it ain't no Saw 2.
#7 was Larry the Cable Guy's movie!!! Oh, strewth. It's #10 cumulonimbus Box Office-ly, but I guess that's not totally fair because this is its opening week. Still, what's the deal, Red States? C'mon! Let's ante up here! Are you TRYING to win the Culture War or not?
#6 was the Box Office's red-headed stepchild, She's the Man. And of course, it is based on Shakespeare. Doesn't that guy have enough money? He's a busier script doctor than ... help me out here. Bruce Vilanch? Robert McKee? Ross McElwee? Nah, too obscure...
Moving on: #5 was The Shaggy Dog. Man, I coulda swore that marquee said "Shaggy Dog ends Thursday" but Disney got wind of it and they changed it to the more friendly Ice Age 2 starts Friday. Now THAT's gonna clean up!
#4 is that B.O. stalwart, Failure to Launch. It's the Movie's Movie. Home video's Friend. And with the 2nd highest cumulative Box Office total, it's proved that it has staying power, just like How to lose a guy in 10 days. Is this not worth something? Doesn't McC deserve to be in the 20 million club with Jim Carrey, John Travolta and Will Ferrell?
#3 was Stay Alive with 11.2 mil in the can, making it #9 overall, but to be fair this is also its opening week, along with Larry the Cable Guy. Guess fart jokes aren't as popular as deadly video games, who knew.
#2 is V for Vendetta with a stellar 12.3 million dollars. I say stellar because it's exactly 12.3 million dollars more than I'll ever make! (Oh, don't feel sorry for me, folks, it's all wishful thinking. I'm probably one of those people who shouldn't be rich; just wish I could cover the bills a little better.) Don't you see what's happening here, people? 16 Blocks? Eight Below? V for Vendetta? This is all the work of that most secret cabal of all, the Sesame Street Gestapo! They're trying to get us to LEARN! Using letters and numbers at every turn. When does it all end? Why, it's the kind of thing that would make Agent Smith vomit from sheer frustration.
And finally we get to #1. Saving the best for last, savoring every last step to the top. The Big Uno! Satchmo! And it's none other than Spike Lee's remake of The Bone Collector. ..oh dear, just waiting on an ad for The Da Vinci Code... Ah, there we go! Well, what can you say? Spike's still got it! Or is it, Spike's still gotta have it? Courtesy of cameraman Matthew Libatique, Darren's guy from way back, [and forward! (They're still waiting on The Fountain) ] Spike brings us a tale of mystery, intrigue, and basically, white people gone crazy! I mean, whazzup w/dat? Fortunately, Denzel brings his brand of mojo to the proceedings to cool things down. I still wanna see Denzel and Ford do a pic like this together, where they BOTH track down the bad guy, out-acting each other all the way. I'd pay twice to see it twice!
Well, that's it for this week's Box Office Report. What to do while waiting for next week's Box Office Report? Stay tuned for next week's Box Office Report.

WHEN MOVIES ATTACK ...

Well, fell back on that ancient showbiz rule. When in a pinch for a movie-related Jpeg file, go with the toilet scene from Lethal Weapon 2. Everybody wins!
Meanwhile, I forgot one of the most important, Latest and Greatest, films on the movie horizon, and no, it's not the long touted Wild Wild West sequel. It is, in fact, Nacho Libre (aka School of Rock 2) starring Jack Black. It's the sophomore project of the Napoleon Dynamite team; looks like they got nothing else on their plate, so everything's riding on this one! Could be too much pressure for some. Here's hoping they don't go the way of the Farrellys, heh heh... Don't do it, Jeff!!!
In other news, they trotted out that old footage of one of them bridges getting blowed up good in True Lies, and Tom Arnold saying "Bingo!" They blew a grand opportunity to show Ah-nold saying "Put me through to the White House", but maybe that's just me. But that's how it works here: you can blow up the bridges, but can't let Cuban people cross it. You may disagree with what Fidel Castro says, but you gotta admit he's one vivacious old man! He'll out-live us all. Make him President of the AARP as well.
Anyway, this news story caught my attention, about a teenage film crew filming a hostage sequence at a local post office. No downside, right? Right, except for the part where the police take it for real, and surround the post office. Dang! Even after the local postmaster gave the kids permission and everything. Awk-warrrrrrrd! The film is called Rolling Thunder, and Devon Menendez, the film's director says he's not accepting any more offers to direct. Hey, kid, keep your chin up! Your career can get better! At least you're not in Bronwen Hughes territory. Or, worse yet, Matthew Meshekoff-Land. Or, perhaps even worse, Humpty Dumpty-ville. The first rule of the DGA... you DO NOT DIS THE DGA!!!

More Movies on the Horizon

No "The WØRD" tonight on the Colbert Report! I'm in withdrawals! I guess I'm a Conservative kinda fella that way, depending on rigid structures to things. Then again, it was a pretty special episode.
So what's coming up? My attention on the matter isn't very consistent anymore, but there's a couple sticking up and out, beyond the fray. Benchwarmers, for example. This will be Strike Two 2006 for Allen Covert, but maybe there's plenty of room for (his) redemption in the halls of Happy Madison International. Anyway, back to the cast. The usual lot of sports cameos, and maybe the lovely Rachel Hunter will stop by and enlighten the proceedings, but let's face facts: it's Heder's movie to make or break. Give 'em hell, N.D.! You too, Deuce Bigalow (not as much...)
Stay Alive is still having the hell promoted out of it. I think I'll just wait for the video game.
Meanwhile, Find me Guilty didn't even make a dent in the Top 10! Whazzup w/that?
What else we got? We got Brooklyn Lobster, and Thank you for Smoking: I don't know. Normally I'd like an in-your-face ironic title like that. I guess I'm just disappointed that Neil LaBute didn't direct it. This could've been the next Nurse Betty.
Lindsay Lohan and Meryl Streep in the same photo? Moviefone's got all the answers. Meanwhile, Robert Altman's working on a sequel to Aria called 8. Ever since the Oscars, I still think about that scene from All that jazz...

On March 31st.....

Hey! I know how to draw some attention to this blog. Now, Bill O'Reilly... Need I say more? He might've been gratified when, on Keith Olbermann's Countdown, they talked about how he's the Fox News equivalent of Walter Cronkite. More importantly, he's a force, affecting the national dialogue... something like that. All right, moving on.
Well, a timeline has been set, and we're mere HOURS away from the release of BI2, baby! Now Eszterhas-Free (TM). No, instead, who they do have in the script department is a husband/wife team, so it better reflect that on the silver screen, guys! This dynamic duo is Leora Barish and Henry Bean. See that, kids? Dreams really do come true! I think it's probably because of "K Street", or their very tentative tangential connection to Section 8 Productions. The last episode of K Street dealt with Jack Abramoff's white-washing of K Street, making it a Democrat-free Zone, right? Anyway, back to the movie at hand. I don't know who exactly is excited about this sequel coming out, (originally intended as a direct-to-video sequel featuring Steven Seagal and Daryl Hannah in the leads) but I think it's a rare business opportunity. It's been 14 years since the last one. Do we have to wait another 14 years for Basic Instinct 3? In this, what is surely to be known as the Milf Age, I say bring it on! Can't Sharon Stone have a retirement plan too?
The original was directed by Paul Verhoeven, and the new one by Michael Caton-Jones. I'm not exactly sure that's an improvement. ...just kidding, it is, although I don't think The Jackal was an improvement on the original, but I did recognize some of the things they lifted verbatim from it. As for Doc Hollywood, did he do more with it than Jonathan Lynn would've done? I'll leave that for the professional critics to decide. Ooh, how about Herbert Ross? Ah, skip it. OTOH, we'll always have Memphis Belle and This Boy's Life. I would see City by the Sea if only for Franny McD, but I just can't put in the effort like I used'ta could.
Not much else to say about it, I guess. They couldn't give a role to Jeanne Tripplehorn? Guess she's too busy doing that whole Tripple-duty thing over on Big Love right now. Okay, we get it. There's problems with polygamy. Internal strife and external drive-by cross burnings. The triplicate picture here of Katherine Harris doesn't exactly tie in to the whole Basic Instinct thing, and it's too late at night for me to try, but I do attest to the fact that she's a formidable femme fatale in her own right, and I'm afraid I have to concur with the Daily Show's assertion: she's trying to use Mammary Hypnosis to win the vote, if not distract from her face. Good night, America!

Box Office Report, and Scientology vs. South Park

I'm not a big fan of South Park myself, but I'm in favor of anything that takes Scientology to task. Bowfinger did it, The Simpsons sorta did it with the Movementarians, who else? 1984?
Okay, let's take this week's box office to task. Welp, the War of Colors has a victor! Maybe true love does exist in the world after all, as Aquamarine bitch-slapped Resident Evil 2 1/2 off of the top 10. And with only 2.11 million dollars! What an anemic box office.
Coming in at #9, still the Cumulative Total champ, it's The Pink Panther. Remember it next year at Oscar time, folks! Madea 2 holding strong at #8; it's the 3rd biggest Cumulative total. Could Madea 3 be in the works? Is there any doubt?
At #7 it's Eight Below, the second biggest total money maker at 73 million total. How? I'm not up on my demographics, maybe it's the Tiger Beat crowd or something. All I know is, Paul Walker's critical success, Running Scared, ain't doing no biz! And that's a shame. But, that's the Hollywood game for you. Same thing happened to Reese Witherspoon last year. Her big Hollywood blockbuster was Walk the Line, while the small independent critical success was... what was it called? Just Like Heaven? Yeah, that's what it was. Boy, a lotta people are gonna be very disappointed when they find out the truth about the afterlife.
At #6 is 16 Blocks, which is also #6 in terms of most accumulated total overall. Need more be said? I think not. I'll wait for Sam and George, Richard. (And you'll have to wait for Apocalypto and Mad Max 4!!)
At #5 is another horror remake, The Hills Have Eyes. (#7 cumulative total) Well, Wes must be happy about that. I hear they're going to remake Vampire in Brooklyn. Not so happy about that. Still waiting on Paris, je t'aime, guys!!!
#4 is "All That" alumnus Amanda Bynes' latest, She's the Man. Not quite up to Lindsay Lohan's box office snuff, but then again, neither is she lately...
#3 is ... oh yeah, She's the Man is #10 cumulative wise! Weak, weak and double weak! But time will tell. At #3 is The Shaggy Dog. Is it a remake? Ah, who cares...
Hey! Long live The Wibberleys! They go where Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio fear to tread...
#2 brings us Failure to Launch, only 4th cumulative-wise but still going strong. Who's seeing this movie? I already tore it a new one by calling it How to lose a guy in 10 days II. No such plan is in the works, unless it's a direct-to-video release with French Stewart and Ashlee Simpson reprising the roles. Hey, gotta start somewhere!
Nevertheless, let's hear it for Tom Dey who managed to survive the bitter aftermath of Showtime (the movie, not the channel, which oddly enough seems only to be showing on HBO.... the channel, not the movie. ...?)

And finally, it's not V for Victory, although that certainly is appropriate, but rather V for Vendetta! To this victor go the spoils. And what spoils indeed! #1 at the office, albeit only #8 in the cumulative scheme of things. Well, it's not Spielberg we're talking about here. Disturbia? Sounds interesting. Maybe Joe Dante's slated to direct. ..nah, no such luck.

Man, did that take a lot of work! But in the end it's all worth it. :)

Auteur Watch: Darren Aronofsky

Damn! I don't have it. I thought I taped it when the pre-Oscars show was on. Rachel Weisz was being interviewed and Darren was hanging back, waiting for her to finish. They're married! Hopefully, the new Oscar-gap won't hurt their marriage, as with Alec and Kim. Anyway, so tonight's still photo is instead from when P.S. Hoffman was being interviewed, and I saw Joel Coen in the background. I guess Ethan didn't attend, since Tricia Cooke wasn't nominated.
But back to Darren. Pi being his low-budge debut, and Requiem for a Dream being the big Hollywood debut, Darren's been taking it easy for a while. The Fountain seems to be taking a while to complete in post-production; is that a good thing? There's a couple irons in the fire, Flicker, and Lone Wolf and Cub. Sounds New-Age. ..oh dear, just read about it. Another graphic novel adaptation, but this time about a samurai. Samurais must be the new cyborgs or something.
All right! There's movement. Not on Hail Caesar yet, but the cast is being hammered out for No Country for Old Men. Sa-weeeet! Keep up the good work, guys.
In the latest watchings, saw some of Son of the Mask. Ick! Puerile! Hideous! I still have a little respect left for the first one, but man! What a waste on this second one. Might've been better if he never tried on the mask at all. Peter Guber might've liked that; I'm sorry, I meant Jon Peters. I think I'll have to do Lawrence Guterman in the next (brief) installment of Auteur Watch.

Audience Reaction at Carlos Mencia concert

I tell ya, that woman doesn't seem too thrilled about the proceedings, but it was brave of them to show all points of view. It occurred to me that we should get Carlos Mencia (Ned Holness?? Guess that sorta explains the NED LOS vanity logo) and Charles S. Dutton, and Tom Arnold and, who else, let's say Margaret Cho, get them in a ring together, hold a fund-raiser and call it the "Celebrity Deathmatch to End Racism". And if Carlos doesn't like that one, tough luck, because I paid Bruce Vilanch top dollar for it, so screw you!
What else? Anyway, on to movie news. The onslaught of new movies continues relentlessly, unrelenting. If I remember correctly, Jodie Foster once snubbed Cannes because she was working on Panic Room, but mostly because she got on the Freedom Fries bandwagon bigtime, but she's back, baby! Even more back than Flightplan, and the movie's title is ... Contact 2: Interstellar Boogaloo! No, it's the new action flick with Denzel called (The) Inside Man. Oy, Spike Lee's latest, here we go. When was the last time he had a #1 hit? Even he's not keeping track anymore. I'm still waiting for Crooklyn 2: Electric Crook-a-loo. The movie will be one long in-yo-face shouting match in blazing digital video, bitch! The companion piece that we've been waiting for all these years.
Meanwhile, a new ad campaign is on the horizon. Perhaps you saw it on Yahoo, and it's called V for Vendetta. Apparently, according to my sources, Sue Grafton had nothing to do with it. Of course, I'm still steamed about Lolly Madonna XXX. What a ripoff! I can think of at least three things wrong with that title! But back to the film at hand... the Wachowskis? Are you kidding me? I guess they got out of the directing game already. Must be training the next generation of directors. Which one of them's a chick now? Anyway, this is McT's big chance. All those years of grunt work have finally paid off, and now the pressure's totally on you, boi-ee! I notice the tag line of the film is "remember, remember the 5th of November." Unfortunately, the re-tooling of the pic delayed that, so now it's something less threatening. I mean "You just haven't seen the likes of March 17" just doesn't play as well.
One last movie to get to. On the heels of the 50th Anniversary of 12 Angry Men we have Sidney Lumet's latest courtroom saga, Find me Guilty. Well, it may be better than ... what was that 2003 Vin Diesel project again? A Man Apart, something like that. 2005 gave us The Pacifier; I knew there was something for 2005. The point is, the jury system just doesn't work. Movies have proved that for years now. All those involved in this one, however, might have to look past this one and look ahead. Whistle for Lumet, Hannibal for Diesel. Maybe they'll go toe to toe the same week!
Okay, enough of that. Bedtime for me now. 'night, mother!

Simpson, J snubs Dubya?

Maybe she's not so dumb after all!
Man, I can't get into this Morning Multi-tasking thing at all. Gotta keep it short for my boss's sake. That place'd fall apart w/out me.

Let me just kinda, uh, steal the text from the story...

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Concerned about politicising her favourite charity, singer-actress Jessica Simpson on Wednesday turned down a invitation to meet with U.S.

President George W. Bush

President George W. Bush, a snub that left Republicans dismayed.
The apparent final word that Simpson would be a no-show at a major Republican fund-raiser with Bush and congressional leaders on Thursday night came after a day of conflicting reports from her camp and organisers of the event.

--------------------and now, back to me...
Karl Rove was most disappointed of all because he thought he'd get to do the whole Political Groupie Audition racket on Simpson. Who knew, but it's probably for the best. In any event, you go girl. Someone's gotta take a stand somewhere, but be careful. Sales of the Dukes of Hazard DVD must've petered out already. Hope you saved some money, 'coz now you're in league with the Dixie Chicks!

Gittin 'R Done at the Box Office

It's finally arrived. Larry the Cable Guy's big movie. And I can't believe it! John Cherry's NOT directing? What a slap in the face! There's no one more qualified than him. I did hear that Bruce Vilanch ghost-wrote the movie, though. Strange rumours out there.
Anyway, let's take the usual quickie glance at the Box Office. What an anemic week. However, it's the only time that two colors made the top ten in my recent memory: Ultraviolet and Aquamarine. Bitchin'! The Pink Panther has the biggest cumulative total of the top ten, a paltry 74 million in chump change, followed by Eight Below with 66. Boy, am I not up on my movie demographics! Between those two, I just don't know what to think.
Nice to see that Richard Donner can still crack the top 5 at least. Here's a toast to hoping he gets back into the A-List projects like Superman and Lethal Weapon, er... The Omen.
And finally, who can forget the big push for Failure to Launch. Another testament to the power of, well, just a total bombardment of advertising. News shows, newspapers, novelizations available at airport gift shops, exclusive cast interviews on your blackberry, what have you. Well, it was worth every million spent, because it paid off big time. 24 million, baby! An opening for the March record books, no question.
Well, that's it for me. Way way past my bedtime, but I did catch a little of Clueless on Comedy Central. Ah, the good old days when Alicia Silverstone was the star, and Paul Rudd and Brittany Murphy were but Rising Stars to Be. Oh, little BM! You won't be an ugly duckling forever. Who's on top now, baby? Not Stacey Dash, that's for sure. :)

A Post-Oscar America

Well, there you have it. The Red States' description of Hollywood has come to pass: a Godless hell-hole where gays and minorities and all the other usual wrong people run things in defiance of the one true lord... oh, wait. Brokeback Mountain didn't win! It was CRASH. For best picture, a red state favourite, obviously. Personally I think it should've won for Best Ensemble Cast. That should be a new Oscar. In any case, that's my new system for picking the Oscars, the 1 to 5 system. I called a few of them on the nose, didn't think March of the Penguins had the legs to go all the way, but it did! Thankfully, the box office returns do matter to the Oscar electorate. And Rupert Murdoch's opinion on the matter.
What else happening? Madea? Seriously? They had an ad for 16 Blocks anyway calling it the #1 movie. I think Madea should bitch-slap that movie again, maybe sue. If only Johnny Cochran were still alive.
Well, gotta keep this short. But before I go, I leave you with a still from this new series of VW commercials featuring my man Peter Stormare! What can I say, I like 'em. Would I like 'em if I wasn't a Coen brothers fan? I just don't contemplate those kind of situations, which is why I'm just not in charge of things like who wins the Oscars.

Oscars, pt. the Last

Better hurry! only 25 min. til it starts.
Where did I leave off? Let's see...

Now, here's how I should have done it in the first place: from 1 to 5, 1 being most likely to win... Supporting actress: 1) Catherine Keener, 2) Rachel Weisz, 3) Junebug, 4) Franny McD and 5) Brokeback Mtn. I mean, it's all about the guys!

Supporting actor: 1) Gyllenhall, 2) Clooney, 3) Matt Dillon, 4) Giamatti!!! 5) and William Hurt. So far, there's the least publicity for him in Cronenberg Country.

Best Actress: 1) Reese, 2) Filliam H. Muffman, 3) DENCH!! 4) Charlize, and 5) Knightley. Sorry, Keira, Oscar loves Charlize better. But, now that I think about it, Felicity is on ABC's hit show, Desperate Housewives. ...They just had special greetings from her co-stars!! It's fixed! It's fixed!!!

Best Actor: 1) BM 2) Capote, 3) Hustle & Flow, 4) Johnny Cash and 5) David Strathairn in GN 'n GL. I kinda hope he'll win: that'll make two from the Sayles camp, him and Chris Cooper.

AND FINALLY, BEST PICTURE!!! 1) BM, 2) GN 'n GL, 3) Munich, 4) Capote and 5) Crash. I guess it'll be Brokeback Mountain. I'm still just waiting for Paris, je t'aime or Hail Caesar, but that's just me.

Okay, back to the show. I thought we could post gifs here, but now I have an excuse to do a series!

Oscars, pt. 4

I see Bob Wuhl's got a new Arliss on HBO. This time, it sounds and looks more like the Daily Show and/or Colbert Report has finally gone to the college campus. Why, there's nothing about it on the IMDb yet! For shame. Guess we'll just have to wait, huh?

Okay, back to the awards. We're up to Costume Design, and I think it's going to be Mrs. Henderson Presents as the winner, for like The Full Monty before it, it's all about the lack of costume design, or in terms the Red States can understand, a celebration of the penultimate Costume Designer: the big guy in the sky! God bless you, Jesus! Besides, how many awards does Colleen Atwood need? She's still pissed 'cuz she didn't work with Burton.

Art Directon. C'mon, Academy! Sooner or later you're going to have to give it up to Harry Potter. Why wait til the last movie? Do it now! OTOH, if King Kong doesn't win, someone's going to be mad. Makes me wonder if Peter Jackson will attend this year.

On to Cinematography, one of my personal favourites, but I don't know why. I'm going to say Wally Pfister of Batman fame, but only because it's more like a Lifetime Achievement Oscar for all his illustrious work with the likes of Gernert Garroni Hippolyte.

Adapted Writing, it'll probably be Brokeback Mountain, because really, it's the writing that's the thing. And it's payback for the passing over of The Shipping News. For some, anyhow. But my money's on the longshot, and that's A History of Violence. The underdog! Besides, everyone else is BTDT. Give the fresh meat a chance.

Writing for the Screen: This is where the payola is the worst in the Academy voting block. There will be groans from the audience when Match Point wins, and Woody's not even there to pick up his ill-gotten Gold. But he did wow the critics, if nothing else, and more importantly Scarlett Johansson who's going to work with him again on his 2006 project! Score!! Screw you, Mia Farrow; start to worry, Soon-Yi.

Directing: You know, what kind of a critic am I? I haven't seen any of the 5 films nominated this year! But from a preliminary glance at the list, I think they're all an affront to the Bush Administration in some way. It won't go to Crash; Million Dollar Baby was a stroke of luck that won't last. Capote? So they watched In Cold Blood. Most of us have. GN 'n GL, I heard it's a little amateurish, but we're putting that aside for the greater good. Munich, I don't know. See Sword of Gideon. War of the Worlds was pretty good, too. It just ain't 1993, Spiely! I guess that leaves BM. I just can't ignore it any longer... which is why I'm picking GN'nGL. Gotta give Clooney something, damn it!

more later. Dang, all this hyperlinking takes forever and a day.

Oscars, pt. 3

I abbreviated the title of this entry... let's see who notices. So far, no one. Sigh.
Madea's Family Reunion? Are you kidding me? How? Who? Where?? Martin Lawrence, take note. The bell tolls for thee. And it took you six years to do your little sequel...
So where indeed were we? We left off at makeup, which brings us to a couple of nerd awards. Visual Effects, hard to say. It'll be interesting to see if Oscar has a favourite, indeed SO favorite that they're included in the show proper, like a dinosaur head in (or out of) Jurassic Park, or Jamie Lee Curtis dropping from the ceiling to commemorate True Lies. Ah, memories. It's the same old guard in terms of who's nominated, although the WETA crew is still kinda new. (WETA behind'a the ears'a??? never mind..) I think they did some of Narnia, so they got two covered. Since Narnia's the fresh face, so to speak, Oscar may go with ... that.
Sound Editing? I hope War of the Worlds gets something, but sometimes Oscar's love for a two-time winner trumps all, so that means King Kong. Damn you, Van der Ryn! Maybe Tom Cruise will win for Best Extra-Curricular Ad Campaign.
Best Editing, that's a tough call. Typically, it goes to the longest film. I mean, editing is tough enough as it is, but on a long movie? Chile, fo'getabouttit! The Aviator won in 2004 (long movie), LOTR: ROTK in 2003 (long movie, longer title!!) ...hmm! Chicago? Not the longest of the crop! Maybe it just seemed really long. Which of course is worthy of an award for that reason as well. As for this year's crop, well, each has a great case for and against, but again I'm going to have to say Cinderella Man's going to wear that Golden Slipper too! Oscar loves that movie, even if no one else does.
Best Sound: it has to be intrinsic to the plot, which right away rules out the special F/X pics, so we've got Geisha and WTL. While no one's disputing that Geisha should win for Best Poster, what's so hard about doing the sound of hearing a pin drop? Oscar's going to reach across the aisle and knock on the trailer door... that's right, an ACTUAL trailer door that's used 24 hours a day instead of just for the application of makeup, and go with Walk the Line. I mean, a full length music video? Whoever thought of that?
I'm sorry, the speeches are running over so the blog's a little longer than usual, but let me close with a little something from a bonafide Oscar winner, Robert Zemeckis, who's finally achieved that exalted place that all artists hope to get to: so far removed from their audience that they don't know what makes a good movie anymore. I think he might have an appreciation for this still frame, as it doesn't actually appear this way in the movie, but since he doesn't watch the old stuff he'll never know anyway, right? :)

The Oscars, part 2

In Oscar-related news, the Israelis ask the Oscars to drop the Palestinian film "Paradise Now". If that doesn't work, the Mossad will take care of it.
Anyway, a little clip-let from Matrix 2, which everyone knows is really the best one. I'm torn, though: is this good composition, artiste-wise, or just pragmatical? I mean, how many of these Guy Pearces can you fit onto one screen? I mean, Elronds? Looks like he's doing the much anticipated sequel to Big Fish. Neat!
Okay, back to the awards. Best Short Film, Live Action: I'm going with Six Shooter, since everyone's expecting a Brokeback sweep. Besides, who wants to try to pronounce all those Dutch names for a short film, anyway? Too much hassle. Best Short Film, Animated: My money's on The Mysterious Geographic Explorations of Jasper Morello, if only because the electorate will think it has to do with The March of the Penguins. And to kiss up to George Lucas.
Best Music: Pride and Prejudice. Well, Brokeback can't win everything! Besides, it adds tension for the big finale.
Best Song: Tough one to call, but I think it depends on what Dolly Parton's wearing. She may split the vote. I think it'll ultimately go to Hustle & Flow. Besides, it says that Crash was from 2004! What a rip!
Best makeup: Cinderella Man. People just don't like fantasy anymore, especially in this jaded Oscar electorate. People want realism, damn it!

Okay, that's enough for now. Only four days left to place your wagers, Oscar-niks!