The War on Christmas

I gotta keep this short as it is dangerously close to my bedtime. Folks, let's face it: there's a war on Christmas out there. It's a novel approach to Christmas, anyway. The novelty will wear off soon enough even on the most susceptible likes of me. Even I thought in the back of my movie-clogged noggin: Happy Holidays? What, is Christmas chopped liver? Of course, I should point out that it's been a while since I've celebrated Christmas, and I haven't bought a Christmas present for anyone in years, and I believe that Christmas trees are really bad for the environment. But the way I see it, there's some new blood in charge of the media now, even if it is just Faux News. Most of the nut cases out there blame the Jews for controlling the media, but this is indeed the Era of Questioning Everything. Only now it's coming from the Right, and not the Left. Where's all the wackos who say that the Jews control the World Bank when you need them? Since Wolfowitz was appointed by Bush, now there really is a Jew in the World Bank! But, the way I see it, it's okay because a Republican's doing it. Right? Isn't that the way these things work?
Anyway, for those of you who think I'm being anti-Semitic, let me just say that I'm a Sobchak Jew myself these days. It's like all those Righties who criticize Bush; when you get right down to it, it's just terms of endearment. All those "It's my party, too" types, don't worry. They're not going to stop voting Republican just because they don't like Rove being in charge.
Anyway, so now we have some fresh Warmonger voices in the media. So here's what to look forward to: the War on New Year's, the War on St. Patrick's Day (probably waged by the old culprits, of course, the Gays!!), the war on Valentine's Day, the War on the President's Day Sale, the War on Outlet Malls. Probably won't hear anything on the War on Peace, but possibly the War on War.
But with movies like Wolf Creek, Hostel and BloodRayne on the Christmas movie horizon, maybe there really is a war on Christmas! I half expect a fresh run of Saw II to commemorate Hollywood's Bloody Christmas.
Okay, bedtime for me. Good night, and have a merry Winter Solstice. Them days is getting longer again, and all them Sunbirds will come back from Australia now!

Holiday Movie Report

Dang! Has it been 10 days already? I was just about to say I was feeling lonely since there haven't even been any automatic posts lately. Then I saw I got one! However, it didn't even say I had a nice blog, so I won't hold it against them.
Anyway, with this image in mind (6 degrees of Peter Jackson) let's get right to the Holiday Movie Report, with a little help from our good friends over at Moviefone. Yes, AOL may have been dropped by TimeWarner but they still got Moviefone, dammit!
Now, there's a lot of movies to get to so we'll devote one sentence to each one. I should probably point out that I haven't seen any of them yet. Ne'theless let's dive right in those murky waters! Okay, first up: Master of the ... what? Universe? Where's this one's 25th Anniversary DVD, anyway? * It's not even on the IMDb for Pete's sake! Next we have Rent: Sorry, I'm already renting. Should've stuck with Harry Potter, Chris, and speaking of which .. HP4: HPGOF, actually looks good! I'd see it if I had time or money. Moving on: Family Stone, The: Not Sly enough. What to pick next? Memoirs of a Geisha: Spielberg himself was once attached to direct, but he found the right director for the project; it still ain't going anywhere, though, even if you show Crouching Tiger for free before-hand. Waddaya expect? We're a country of rubes! Okay, pride & Prejudice, same thing, although to appeal to the rubes they're showing sneak previews of POTC 2 & 3 at the ... beginning, not the end; there's some things even POTC fans won't sit through. Not even The Jacket! Meanwhile, in the middle of this tornado is The Producers. Well, it took a while for the first one to become a classic, too. Or am I thinking of the 12 Chairs? Hmmm. Chicken little: is that still out? Check out the wartime Disney short of the same name! Oh, you naughty Disney!! Chronicles of Narnia: yeah, more like Chronicles of Suck Nard-Nia! If that doesn't get me banned from Blogger for life, nothing will. King Kong: yeah, more like King LONG! Syriana: bet the Powers That Be are glad that King Kong is out. The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada: Los Knuckleheads! YM&O, make way for Cheaper 2!! Walk the Line; lemme just give a brief shout-out to James Mangold. Good on ya, buddy, you just might make it into the Auteur Club yet. Okay, moving on. Finding Home: if it's not the sequel to Finding Nemo, then Jimmy Crack Corn. ** Aeon Flux: It puts the 'L' in Flux, baby! Bad sign when even Just Friends is kicking your ass at the Box Office, cumulatively or not! Speaking of which, that brings us to Just Friends: I don't know, I think we should see other movies. Although I should point out that I'm as firm a believer in Van Wilder as an entity as anybody. And last but not least, Brokeback Mountain: it's the It Movie of the season, but no one's going to see it! Everyone and their uncle's got a joke about it, which is why I'm starting an Enter your own Punchline Contest, and First Prize goes to whomever tracks me down to collect.
Well, that's about it for me. I hope you're not as tuckered out as I am.

* We're close to the 20th Anniversary, not the 25th.
** I would've gone with Finding Nemo in Slumberland myself, but never mind. I'm not in charge of Titles.

Gumby on the Moon

Yes, that's right! Even Gumby can screw up every once in a while.
They're having an SNL-fest on the E! Channel, this 5-part thing chronicling the 101 Most Unforgettable moments of the show. Why I can't remember the last time I thought about Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute! Nice to see the grand tradition of Payola isn't dead yet. Buh-bye; with my luck that's probably #1.
All right, it's time to take a brief look at the Christmas movies, although from what I've heard, we've got to call it the Holiday movie season. Sounds better, anyway. Well, Rob Reiner's got a Christmas release called Rumor Has It... Nah, it's going to need better word of mouth than that. And incidentally, why does Jennifer Aniston go up against herself like this? And what about that movie that she and Vince Vaughn did? What is that, chopped liver?
Meanwhile, Spielberg's got another Xmas offering, this season's Catch me if you can, if you will, and it's called Munich. Even the man himself says he's not expecting to make money off it, but he'd at least like to make more than The Terminal, heh heh...
What else? Narnia, The Family Stone, and of course King Kong. So many films competing for so few holiday dollars. Who will win? Not me, that's for sure. Gotta go, I'm sleepy.

Blog #NaN Reporting for Duty

Well, the Daily Show puts another notch in its belt with special guest President Jimmy Carter tonight. Damn! They're getting more ex-presidents than Leno and Letterman combined!* They probably get very well acquainted with specific Secret Service agents at this point, sending them Christmas gifts and what not. Speaking of Christmas, it's apparently under siege again. See, people just don't understand that every holiday goes through this phase where its relevance is questioned. Look, all the corporations are saying is, what's wrong with working on Christmas? Everybody does it! Jesus himself was probably very busy on Christmas day! If only we had better historical records of the time. Maybe some video. Anything. So what? We're all just supposed to put down our laptops on Christmas day? Does it have to be a law now?
What else? Oh yeah, Stephen Colbert and Maureen Dowd finally buried the hatchet tonight on a very special edition of C.R. She's a hottie! Gotta find a good picture of her to post. And I'll think about buying her book. So many books, so little time. Why, I still haven't even read 'No Country for Old Men' yet. Quite popular at the library, apparently. Might have to circumvent the library system and just go to a bookstore.
Anyway, that's about it for me, but before we say goodbye, tonight's picture is in honor of what I don't like about Hanna Barbera cartoons. Or rather, here's a specific example that transcends the usual cheap production values. You got the eloquent Snagglepuss, whom I'm growing rather fond of, by the way, but give me the Pink Panther any time. Anyway, S.P. is caught between a rock, being the Frankenstein monster Baby creature with Barney Rubble circle eyes, and the hard place being a giant mouse, not from WB's The Great Piggy Bank Robbery. Now, the nails-on-the-blackboard detail here is that all the Frankenbaby says is "Wuh, wuh" and all the giant mouse says is "Snarf. Snarf-Snarf." I only caught part of the cartoon, but I don't want to make a mistake about this now. It's not just Snarf, but it's one Snarf, followed by two Snarfs in hyphenated succession. I believe this is a statement, similar to the one made in Barton Fink, that in general brawn-ism trumps intellectualism, for even though Snagglepuss may be smart and witty, (he does say in this one that he's going to write his congressman, not something you usually hear cartoon characters say, even back then in the 60s or whatever year this cartoon is from) he's still stuck between these two sorry souls. But then again, isn't that the Grand Dilemma that befalls all cartoon characters at one time or another, that they find they can never transcend the media or the situations they're trapped in, and must constantly contend with Neanderthals of one flavor or another?


*Probably wrong about that...

Box Office Retort - 1st week December 2005

Still goblet-ing up the box office booty, Harry Potter might actually turn a profit in the U.S.! Meanwhile, spend as they might, Paramount just can't get a #1 hit. Like Team America before it, Aeon Flux came close but just didn't have that populist touch. John Sayles, you should be ashamed of yourself!! And I think you know why. They've been showing old Aeon Flux episodes on MTV lately, gee I wonder why (GIWY?) Aeon's outfits on the animated show are much skimpier than the movie, quelle frommage. Must be a Woman's Lib thing.
In other news, we got Walk the Line followed by YM&O. Ah, they've been on the list forever. Coming in at #5, it's the season's unexpected breakout semi-hit Just Friends. Ryan Reynolds is the latest to don the new Rick Baker(TM) Fat Suit in the name of comedy. And I had my money on Waiting... Oh well, like Alanis Morrissette sez, you live, you learn. She originated that phrase, right?
What else? Ah, let's skip right to #10, In the Mix. Well, at least director Ron Underwood won't have as big and as expensive a bomb as Pluto Nash.

In other news, there's a couple hours left to catch the Showtime Freeview this weekend. Saw some of Edge of America. So far everyone's saying it's Indigenous Hoosiers, it's like Hoosiers but for Native Americans, and Hootka-siers, that kinda stuff. Probably irks Smoke Signals director Chris Eyre a little bit. Me myself, I'm not a big James McDaniel fan, his teeth are big and scary! Guess they couldn't get Joe Morton.

Stephen Colbert's Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown

In Crocodile Tears news, California Representative Randy "Duke-Stir" (sic) Cunningham (R) was caught taking bribes, at least $2.4 million worth! It does beg the question, when is enough enough? Is it enough to get into the Guinness Book of World Records? Did he save enough for the children's college fund? Why wasn't he more careful? Why didn't he just take gratuities from fitness magazines like everybody else? And Ah-nold?
Well, looks like ol' Jessica and ol' Nick finally split up. Too bad, they toughed it out pretty good through some turbulent waters. Perhaps this is all part of Ashlee's master plan. Maybe after a suitable period of alone time, Nick and Ashlee will hook up! In the meantime, Jessica will still appear on the covers of God knows how many Star magazine knock-offs, cataloguing her Tectonic cellulite with the finest university instruments available. Maybe we can learn something from our White Trash First Lady, and add to the Body Science just as she has added her body to ... ah, skip it. Too tired to complete the metaphor. Incidentally, I think I know why Jessica and Nick split up. I mean, who's that girl in this here photograph here? Oh, Nick, you dog!

Rest in peace, Pat

Man, how time flies! This was the best picture I could find of Miyagi. You may still be able to check out Slapstick of another Kind from your local video store, but we'll always have The Karate Kid.
Not much happening on this end. Daily Show/ Colbert Report's back from joint hiatus. They covered the Macy's Day parade. The balloon that exploded this time was an M&M balloon. I guess it was too tasteless to say that next year they should just have a NASCAR balloon and crash that into a light pole. We've got a nation to heal, people!
What else... oh yeah, Box Office report. Potter's still Boffo, gobbling it up at the Box Office, while Walk the Line is walkin' the Bottom Line, baby! Riding Harry Potter's shadow's coattails for all it's worth!!!! YM&O going strong; let's face it, no one expected it to do anything, not even the cast & crew. Chicken Little is Box-Office Big! Still kinda paltry for a Pixar-esque production, not counting Valiant. And we won't count it. Meanwhile, skipping right to the bottom half, Derailed is pulling out of the station, and the Ice Harvest? Yeah, more like Suck-Ass Harvest!
Oh dear, this blog is no longer for the kids...

Let The Transformation Continue!

Life imitates art: I think I smell that sequel to Single White Female after all! Oh wait, there is one. Who decides when these things get made, anyway? 2005 will go down in the annals of movie ledger history as a banner year for direct-to-video sequels, now filmed on digital video.

Anyway, yes, I think Ashlee Simpson finally gets it. Tired of being the reigning Queen of Mall Goth, she is now halfway on the path to becoming a clone of Jessica who, with all respect to Nick, will still always be my Ozark Goddess, as will all the current and future readers of Star and Us, with the occasional appearance on the likes of Maxim. Meanwhile, what about Aguilera? She just couldn't get any naked-er on the cover of Rolling Stone and gave up, and gone completely into hiding apparently! Come back to us.

So there Ashlee was on Letterman flogging her new CD, "I Am Me". Well, not as inspiring as, say, "Pieces of April" or "I do not want what I haven't got", and she's probably smarter than "I Am Sam". All she needs now is that pesky nose job and Jessica's got an identical twin! Clooney was on pushing Syriana. Wasn't he just on last month? Anyway, he was a little less Life Is Good this time as he was about Good Night & Good Luck, but as far as I'm concerned, he's still the current Gold Standard of what a movie star should be. Note the hair, for example, as compared to the old clip Dave trotted out. It's probably bad luck to say it, but the Oscar campaign is on, and honestly I can't think of anyone more deserving in any category he nabs. But if GN&GL and Syriana go head-to-head for Best Picture, then like Soderbergh before him, either way he loses. Okay, Mr. Clooney, rest on your laurels a little, but let's get cracking on Hail Caesar, huh?

Okay, some actual movie news. Yours, Mine & Ours is the latest from Dennis Quaid et alia as Quaid's Second Coming continues unabated. Rather than going on to Scooby Doo 3 editor-turned-director Raja Gosnell helms this one, and couldn't've picked a worse time. Not only does he have to compete with Harry Potter that his old boss Chris Columbus started, but he has to compete with Rent as well! Man, even I can't deal with that kind of stress...

Dayton Peace Accord 10th Anniversary

Just a brief shout out to the Dayton Peace accord signed in Dayton, Ohio ten years ago today! Let's hope all those guys get their act together... the Serbs, etc. Another country with three states trying to find stability. Hmm! What does that remind you of? ...IRAQ! Anyway...
There was some movie news, but I forgot already. But how about that box office? Harry Potter 4 at least opened stronger than the third one did, maybe because they opened HP3 in summer, hardly a time one thinks about ghouls and goblins and the Cato Institute. HP4 crossed the 100 million barrier faster than Chicken Little, who knew.
Oh yeah! Saw the cover of Premiere magazine with Naomi Watts and the new Peter Jackson! Oh, Pete, we hardly knew ye. What's Fran gonna say? Gone Hollywood after all, my friend, even though he insists on staying in New Zealand. If King Kong doesn't make a profit, you can at least sell us on your amazing diet plan. Make a book of it. Chapter 1: Spending day and night at WETA without eating...

SNL: Quickie review - Jason Lee 11/12/05

Opening bit: A different tact with the Democrats on Darrell Hammond's Hardball. Apparently, now it's: no matter what the Dems do, they're hated. Funny! And all this time I thought that was the Republicans.
As for the rest of the show, it was an unfortunate example of what happens when the host constricts the writing staff with narrow talent limitations. It's all about the moustache and the skating! And the promoting of My Name is Earl. There's a little more on the line when you're producing the show as well. Alas, Jim Carrey wasn't on hand to interrupt the Foo Fighters this time.

John Sayles in 'Mathnet' on Square One Television

He used this appearance to help fund Eight Men Out, which featured John Cusack, who today is starring in The Ice Harvest, which I fear may end up falling through the cracks harder than the Bedazzled remake. The audiences are so fickle these days. Is it just me, or are Robert Benton and Richard Russo the same person these days? One last razz: the last time Cusack and Billy Bob were in a picture together, we got Billy Bob-gelina. Maybe this time Billy Bob and Connie Nielsen will tie the knot, who knows. It could happen!
What else? Mouth-breather Keira Knightley was recently on the Daily Show plugging her latest flick Pride and/& Prejudice, wisely side-stepping the recent Domino. Sorry, Tony, but it's a fact; besides, Donnie Darko wasn't a box-office smash initially either. In the end, it's all just projects in-between Pirates sequels. Same thing happened with the Matrix movies. Whaddayagonna do?
What other movie news... Oh yeah. Derailed! Humph! Someone declared that this is Aniston's first strike in a new campaign to be a big movie star, post-Brangelina, I guess. (back to her again, oy! Well, she is pretty hot. And lippy.) From the ads, it's Death Wish-style antics of the Attractive People vs. the Butt-Ugly people, some with the One Bad Eye. Oh, why can't the Danny Trejo-types ever be the good guys? Or is it too late for his life story to be put on film? Get on it, Spy Kids man!
Man, I exhaust myself! Over and out, good buddies.

Mike War, Not Love

So Mike Love has finally announced his political leanings and appeared on Fox News, your one stop shop for evil. In particular, the ol' Bill O'Lielly show. Bill and Mike talked about Mike's pending lawsuit against Brian Wilson in regards to the release of Brian's "Smile" album. In short, Mike needs some more money to make his monthly alimony payments. Notice how they didn't talk at all about any of Mike's new projects. I think he's got a new album out that I'm never going to hear, and he certainly isn't going to make the kind of money off that than he will off any future lawsuits against Brian. I hope he loses them all.
Oh but there's so many others to beat up on. Schwarzenegger's suffering another defeat. The graft he's taking just isn't enough these days. So there you go. If a guy as rich as Schwarzenegger takes graft even though he says he won't, what hope is there for any of us? I do have an idea for 'Terminator 4' if Jonathan Mostow's interested. This time we focus on CyberDyne Industries itself, which is now under new management. The new management tries to find a way to make their Terminators cheaper with more plastic parts instead of metal. They try to ship jobs overseas to India and China, but the unions start getting up in arms. A Terminator is sent back in time to frame the heads of the unions, but as it turns out, Terminators aren't made for espionage, just blowing stuff up really good. That's all I got so far, I figure the third act will write itself, just like it did in T3. Maybe it's time to let James Cameron do his cinematic explanation of time travel as he wanted to do in T2. Or was it The Abyss? I just don't know.
Over and out.

Simpsons 17.4: Treehouse of Horror XVI

Well, they still got it as far as I'm concerned. Starting with an homage to the beginning of 'Contact' and the end of Men in Black, the Simpsons stay on the cutting edge of sit-com writing. We'll just have to wait til 2008 to see what the movie offers.
B.I.: Bartificial Intelligence - Spielberg must've got a chuckle out of that. It follows the arc of the movie pretty faithfully up to a point, and then it becomes Robocop 2!! Now I can't get that damn Eagles song out of my head.
...can't remember the name of that second one. SURVIVAL OF THE FATTEST (had to look it up) Some good jokes: a reincarnated Apu screaming "Help me, Jesus!" and of course the bit with Moe, impaled on a cruel weather vane saying "Ah, well, might as well check my lottery ticket.... a million! Wow! I've won! Now if I can just get off this weather vane......"
I've Grown A Costume to your face... I bet Pixar wishes they thought of that. Does sound a little like a variation on the conceit of Monsters, Inc. Another good use of the massive Simpsons ensemble.

p.s. Isn't it episode 17.3? I think there were only two Simpsons last month. I hope, since that's all I taped.

Alzo Spracht Zathura

Oh, what a paltry box office weekend! The highest total grosser is Flightplan coming in at number 10, with just a shade under 100 million. Figures that family entertainment would trump Jarhead for the #1 spot, but still pretty damn good considering. No, the #1 spot goes to Chicken Little, Disney's F.U. to the departing Pixar. They may have the animation without Pixar, but word on the street is that the writing's not up to Pixar's par. Or did everyone else already forget about Valiant?

Not much else to report. Looks like Good Night and Good Luck might make a profit yet. Oscar buzz so far: Jarhead, Capote, Clooney? Will 2005 be for Clooney what 1994 was for Zemeckis, or 1997 was for Cameron? I'll get that ball rolling. Never mind, just did.

Meantime, what about Shopgirl? Maybe it's making money overseas. Steve Martin must not need the money.

Comparative Cinema 101: Fargo vs. North Country

In other news, we've gone from PG to PG-13 in the Harry Potters. Will we get to R by the seventh one? Goblet of Fire due in November. Why, I haven't even seen all of the third one! From what I saw, there's a hostage-style scene with Gary Oldman and David Thewlis, and for a second I thought I was watching Prick Up Your Ears.
Just saw a TV trailer for Syriana, or as they say on the Simpsons, Saudi Israelia. Glad to see Stephen Gaghan sobered up long enough to direct this Traffic-style saga. First drugs, now oil. Next thing you know they'll be attacking our American dependence on bananas, or chocolate.
So, Joe Wilson was on the Larry King show tonight. I'm telling you! If this was a Tom Clancy novel, Jack Ryan or Op Center- take your pick, everyone involved in leaking Plame's name would be taken care of in a Godfather-style, or Godfather 2-style, ending in which everyone gets whacked. Or maybe, whisked away to The Prisoner... I mean, the Island.
Meantime, Jeff Daniels' new movie was pointed out on The Colbert Report: The Squid and the Whale. Jeff must've thought he was making You Can Count on Me. And Noah Baumbach must've thought: this'll be just like Zissou except I'll get the profits this time!

More politico-cinema

Huge! I relented and taped 'NeverEnding Story'. I saw it when I was young, kinda doesn't hold up so well but you do gotta like those special effects.

The more I hear about this Jarhead thing, the more I'm rooting for it. Three Kings is now superseded, which Clooney might be happy about. And hopeful news for Roger Deakins: he may get that Oscar yet, as both of Sam Mendes' previous pictures won Director of Photography Oscars!

In other news, Fred Thompson finally fulfilled his lifelong dream: being President of the United States, if only in some claptrap on HBO called Last Chance Agreement. I mean, Last Best Chance, that's it. He gets to say Fred Thompson-esque things like "The world's coming to an end, and here we are arguing about budgets and oversight!" Oh, it's surely a dream come true, for someone. Good double bill with: Celsius 41.11, NOT playing on HBO.

Say It Ain't So, Scooter!

Just got the early Box Office returns. Boy, was I way off! I coulda sworn people would be flocking to Niccy Cage's The Weather Man after that pummeling of an ad campaign. "They were out of tartar sauce ... I'm calling them!" C'mon, folks! Everyone was saying that around the water cooler! ...weren't they? As it stands, it looks like Lord of War made more money. Probably 'cause of Schwartzman. ...correction. I was thinking of Simone. Or Shopgirl, I just can't keep track anymore. Well, Mr. Gore V won't be hurt by this minor setback, as he's still got two POTC sequels to make. Oh, to be that easy! But this does break his streak of having movies at #1 for two weeks in a row. Back to MouseHunt - style success.

Oh but there are other box office stories out there, aren't there? Saw 2, well, what can you say? If that doesn't speak volumes about current demographics, nothing will! Guess they needed something a little stronger than that Fog remake; I mean Selma Blair's no Adrienne Barbeau, unless you count that John Waters movie she did. Then there's that other sequel Zorro 2 which sounds like it has a cadre of bad guys like the ones in Batman 5. What, no cameo for Michael Douglas? The only other one that interests me is Doom which looks like it's not going to be as profitable as the original video game. And whatever you do, don't ask screenwriter Wesley Strick: "Would you say this is the best thing you've ever done?"

"The Colbert Report" Rapport

Get it? See because that's how... never mind. Well, the first week has drawn to a close. I appreciate it as a satire of the likes of Bill O'Reilly and the other demons to escape from the "Doom" video game only to get their own cable squawk box shows. Otherwise, I don't know.... I want to like it. Maybe it's just too much of a good thing. Maybe that much Stephen Colbert is too much. Don't get me wrong, I hope his show kicks ass but if he does have to go crawling back to the Daily Show, no shame in it whatsoever. Too bad Carell's fortunes have turned so ... fortunate. In the meantime I know what I'm going to be doing from 8 to 9 for the rest of my life: Daily Show & Colbert Report all the way, baby!!!

And Pink Panther at 7:30 on Boomerang, of course. Just til I collect em all.

Oh yeah, and someone told me that Spike TV shows old Three Stooges shorts: NO JOE!!!! See, Joe Besser kinda sucked. Although I do like that time he said "Raw egg! I hate raw egg."

Auteur Watch

Let's take a look at Sidney Lumet. Still reeling from a Network weekend. Not to use too broad of a brushstroke, but the 90s were kind of hard on Sid. Maybe this latest with Vin Diesel will turn his fortunes around. Or is that an oxymoron: who could be more fortunate than someone directing Vin Diesel? David Twohy, for example, but he'll be on the next issue of Auteur Watch.

In the meantime, it's about 1 1/2 hours until The Daily Show / Colbert Report superchunk. Gotta run!!

God hates Pakistan

Or at least has it in for her. I can't even keep track any more, is this the second quake in so many months? Where's a discussion of Tectonic plates when you need it?
Anyway, back to the business at hand. Note: not all trilogies get publicity. I just saw an ad on a bus for 'The Work and the Glory: American Zion'. It's the second one! I was going to say that that's the sad part, but the closest thing to a name in the cast is R.D. Call! And I don't even know who he is!! Apparently, he's good friends with Sean Penn. Maybe I was thinking of B'zar Getty, I don't know. Anywho, lightning can strike sometimes, like with Darkness Falls, although success still seems to have eluded most of that cast (except for Lemony Snicket, of course). Maybe the third installment due 2006 will generate some actual publicity, although they might have to show the first two for free to do it.
In tragic news, Fox cancels 'The Simple Life'. Even more shocking, it was on for THREE seasons!!!! Apparently, the producers ... rather, the reporters say that 20th Century Fox Television itself hopes that someone else will pick up the show; maybe CBS or ABC, that kind of thing. Trust me, guys. Paris and Nicole are old school in this regard: if they hate each other, they hate each other. They've got real money. Probably more than Fox Television! They have actual lives to get back to. It's like saying there was one babysitting job in your life that changed your destiny irrevocably, but .. nah, bad example. Think of all those people ruined by Bart Simpson! More like if you were at the store and picked an apple from the bin that would unclog all your arteries and make you buy a winning lottery ticket. That's what the show means to Paris and Nicole.

The latest doings and goings

Where's my dinner? Anyway, it's been a while since my last post, forgive me father. Man, I've never been sicker than I have been the last couple days. So congested I could barely talk. As good a time as any to catch up on all the TV I missed.
Still waiting for that new show, 'The Colbert Report' after 'The Daily Show'. A couple days of freedom left! Won't be long now before they start showing clips of it in the promos.
Still haven't seen that clip of that dude getting beat up by the cops in New Orleans, and that may be for the best. It's taken a while, but there's now a parallel between Bush 41 and Bush 43. Bush 41 had the L.A. riots, and Bush 43 may yet have the La. riots.
On a lighter note, in the new tradition of watered-down PG-13 rated horror flicks, I had to satiate my curiosity about this Fog remake. The fog face looks like someone slipped it a can of alum like in all those Sylvester and Tweety cartoons. Based on the John Carpenter screenplay and directed by that chum with just a great name! Rupert Wainwright. Sounds like a damn director, doesn't he? At least, if it weren't for Stigmata. One thing for sure: when Patricia Arquette wants her life back, get the hell out of her way.
Sigh. No new Al Franken, sans Katharine Lanpher.

The New Shmoo: Ted Turner strikes again

Man, that New Shmoo freaks me out. Who comes up with this sh...oe leather? It's the same structure as Scooby-Doo, without the 'cooby-D'. The main characters produce a comic book at their ... headquarters. Self-employed, apparently, and when the muse strikes them they venture out into the world for inspiration. The master, Frank Welker does the voice of this Shmoo creature, sort of a lone version of those twin blobs from that other Hanna-Barbera show which I can't recall the name of right now, but with an awkward teenage mustache. (Wasn't sure where to place the mustache part in the sentence,,,...) When you get right down to it, I'm surprised the Religious Right hasn't brought a hammer down harder on some of these Hanna Barbera shows. Some of 'em are downright satanic!

Re: Comments

Just looking at some of the comments I've received. I gotta say, it sure is an ego boost to see that so many people like my blog! TOO BAD THEY'RE ALL ADS!!!!!!!!

SNL - Steve Carell

I guess the highlight would have to be the .. re-unition? The reuniting of Kanye West and Mike Myers. I guess that means everything's okay now! Anyway, they blew a real opportunity. Steve Carell did a song about how he's better than Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Will ferrell and Ben Stiller. If they all came out in the middle of the song that would've been ... too cliché? Anyway, I just hate it when my appetite's whetted like that!
They're still attacking Bush which is good, but it's still not having any visible effect. He's still here! Pretty soon he's going to pass an Executive Order that will force The Simpsons to do a caricature of him. I wonder if Jim Morris has an impression worked up yet.

Not much in the way of films. Saw a trailer for Thumbsucker. For a second I thought it was directed by ......... what's his name? Alexander Payne! Yeah, that's the guy. It looks an awful lot like Sideways, I must say. No, just a puppet director. Ah! He's got an arrondissement in Paris, je t'aime. Wicked! Will it ever come out? I heard Julien Temple and Nicolas Roeg wanted a piece of it ... is that too inside? Here's the link...

Oh yeah, and these new kids to SNL, Bill Hader and Andy Samberg. They look a tiny little bit like Jim Breuer and ... Adam Sandler, oddly enough. Or maybe if Jimmy Fallon and Adam Sandler had a baby.

Damn! Didn't get to bed on time. Finally, Debbie Downer has met her match! Steve Carell is BOB BUMMER!!!!! Finally! There's some writing on the show again. Must've hired Robert Smigel back full-time now.

2 long films about Bob Dylan

Dylan. Scorsese. Together again, for the first time? Oh yeah, The Last Waltz, which I saw a clip of once. Maybe PBS can show that too. Anyway, this new film is downright absorbing, kinda like how Year of the Horse was. The Departed must be on auto-pilot or something. Where does Scorsese find the time?
...it just wrapped up. Everything after 1966 is kind of a blur, apparently. See Mickey Jones also in Nadine, or Masked and Anonymous for more Old Dylan...

TGIF

Oh wait, still gotta work tomorrow too. Anyway, just saw this ad while checking my email. I assume this is a father and daughter driving to a wedding ceremony! But then again, the ad said "Invest better, live better" so maybe the implied third line was "Marry a younger model."

Anyway, they're promoting the hell out of "Good Night and Good Luck" but it's not opening this weekend! What were they thinking??

My Name is Earl

For once, all the critics were right! Low-brow finds a purpose. Also, the line between film and TV continues to blur. Anyway, the plot is, this character Earl Hickey is a crook who decides it's time to turn his life around, heeding the advice of Carson Daly who spoke of karma. Hopefully this season won't bring about that in-person guest appearance of Daly right away, or maybe he'll do it this next Tuesday and get it out of the way. And man! Was that Ethan Suplee? The Suplee of Blow and Evolution and that First 20 million debacle? I don't think so; he's entering his second career phase with a bang. I just hope Scientology can't take credit for his dramatic weight loss. One of my closest confidants pointed out that it looks a bit like 'Raising Arizona', and I whole-heartedly concur with that. What can you say? That film's still got legs!

Enjoyable enough show, and did you catch that little Guarantor of Longevity at the end? If he crosses off one thing off his to-do list per episode, we've got 257 episodes left already!! That's smart writing.

What else tonight? Saw a little of that future cable classic "Freaked", with Bobcat Goldthwait and Keanu Reeves in a guest shot. Only Keanu acts that way. As for Bobcat's character's untimely demise which seeming crushes that film's gentle spirit underneath the obnoxious exterior, I guess it was all worth it for the sock puppet man's last dying gasp; some stand-up comedian's idea has finally come to fruition. Also, it's about time to tear 'Death Wish' a new one, but we'll save that for later.

Simpsons vs. Family Guy

Speaking of Fox shows, now that Family Guy's back from its hiatus - they made their deal with the Devil and he said Okay, you can come back to Fox on one condition: your show must skew to the right. One liberal animated show is quite enough, thank you! Anyway, there was some review in some magazine... Blender magazine, if I remember correctly, and they said how great Family Guy is if you just want to sit back and laugh, as opposed to the Simpsons, where they deal with all those icky moral issues. Well, enjoy it now, because someday the worm will turn and the show's creators will long for something more than just the cheap laughs. There was one joke where the Homer clone meets the Ramsey family (of JonBenet fame, yes) and he says to them "I will not rest until your daughter's killers are brought to justice!" And they say "Oh, no, that's okay!" I couldn't help but reflect that the Simpsons are a little more careful than that. I mean, some may say the Simpsons are tasteless, but they're my flavor of tasteless, damn it.

The Battle of the Sexes: Are We Equal Yet?

The next new show after the Simpsons, "The War At Home" - well, if it's not Rupert Murdoch's worst nightmare, nothing is! Needless to say, the Battle of the Sexes got ratcheted up for me, no pun intended, when the wife says "Actually, I don't mind the porn. It's one less thing for me to worry about!" God bless you, Fox. Although, similar ground was blazed by "Married with Children" long ago, when Fox was a little more liberal. (let's see if anyone notices I left out those dot things!!)

Simpsons 17.1 - Bonfire of the Manatees

But first, a shout out to Jessica Alba who's got three big movies this year alone! See, honey, this is the nature of the biz. One typically starts out getting their career screwed by James Cameron, but after a couple years you bounce back in a big way. If Into the Blue is a #1 hit, your agent can take the credit! But the Maxim crowd will always love you, that's the main thing.

Anyway, a new Simpsons season is upon us, helping to dull the pain of September 11th. It's been a while since the season didn't start with the Halloween episode. I'm not used to it! The Simpsons movie is apparently still a couple years away, so we're stuck enjoying the show in the meantime. Alec Baldwin returns here, sans Basinger, as a manatee-loving biologist. The sultry teaser from the ads (snuggle films!!) is fortunately only in the first act, the repercussions of which were felt in the second and third acts.

How long can the Simpsons universe keep expanding indefinitely? It's still the most action-packed, joke-packed half hour on TV, one of the few things worth watching. I already forgot about the checkers-hustling chicken, but the football hobo was a hoot. "Thank you for your time."

New characters: Homer's country cousins, manatees, Alec Baldwin's character

The world of politics

Wow. Too good not to reprint. From the latest Bill Maher episode:

George of the Bungle
And finally, New Rule! America must recall the president. That's what this country needs - a good old fashioned California-style recall election, complete with Gary Coleman, porno actresses and action film stars, and just like Schwarzenegger's predecessor here in California, George Bush is now so unpopular he must defend his job against ... Russell Crowe, because at this point I want a leader who will throw a phone at somebody. In fact, let's have ONLY have phone-throwers. Naomi Campbell can be the vice president!
Now I kid but, seriously, Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you anymore. There's no more money to spend, you used all of that. You can't start another war, because you've also used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people. Listen to your Mom, the cupboard's bare, the credit card's maxed out and no one's speaking to you. Mission accomplished!
Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away, like you did with your military service and the oil company and the baseball team. It's time, time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy or spaceman? Now I know what you're saying that there's so many other things that you, as President, could involve yourself in. Please don't. I know, I know, there's a lot left over to do. There's a war with Venezuela, and eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning over the space program over to the church and Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote, but sir, none of that is going to happen. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I've surprised you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a sh---y president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes. On your watch we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the city of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky! (rousing applause) I'm not saying you don't love this country, I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So yes, God does speak to you and what he's saying is take a hint.

Hurricane Katrina

Man, long time since posts! Well, the media's getting their spine back in regards to dealing with our high ranking government officials. For a second there I thought I wasn't living in America. And I still have my doubts. After all, they were just trying to save money; actually, this government takes things a step further and not only tries not to spend any money, but not do any work, either. Oh, but enough about that. I have your new Desktop Image, from an old SNL bit with the Muppets, a little bawdier than Sesame Street.

but the other big news...

Ah yes, after checking the Coens' separate IMDb entry every once in a while with no payoff, finally! Some new news. Apparently Charlie Rose was right after all, who knew? Hail Caesar is the boys' next prestige directorial project. What could it be? An homage to Hail the Conquering Hero? A Gladiator-type deal? A remake of that other Hail Caesar? After Wild Wild West and The Ladykillers, will Burger King sign on for this one, too? Will Paris, je t'aime ever get out of the editing phase? So many questions.

Oh yeah, the following seems to be the boys' official home page. Careful, the text reads like one of Ethan's cleaner short stories.

Busy night

Wow! What a night. It all started with the Holy Schnike 10th anniversary edition of 'Tommy Boy'. The movie, not the record label. Then we switched it up to that other Robert K. Weiss SNL production, The Blues Brothers. I was informed that Belushi apparently did a lot of blow during that movie, so we went to Blow after that, with a brief stop over at the Coen brothers' Blues Brothers, The Ladykillers.

Boy, big weekend! Constant Gardener, and I didn't even know A Sound of Thunder was coming out. Anyone seen ads for it on TV?

box office battle this week...

Well, it's the times we live in. Virginity trumps fantasy at the box office, albeit not by much. These days, virgins are more interested in ending their virginity than in their Dungeons and Dragons.
Or is that too broad a generalization?

Musings - Brothers Grimm

Well, I hope the Brothers Grimm does well. Coudln't be any worse than the Brothers Grunt. But the critics will probably have a field day with it: "Very 'Grimm' Brothers...", you know, that kind of thing.
It made me think of Time Bandits, which made me reminisce about the 80s a little. For example, we need a new VH1 where they show only videos, like Madonna's 'Material Girl' where at the end she makes out with that Jerry Bruckheimer-looking dude. What was up with that??

When the critics make news

Poor Ebert. Well, this is nothing compared to 'The Brown Bunny', I suppose. In regards to this new film 'Chaos' that's out, every once in a while you can look at the filmmakers' resumé and see if they're consistent. In the case of David DeFalco, he's consistent all right, just not used to getting publicity. Do not confuse the Whatever it Takes (1999) that he worked on with Whatever It Takes (2000) with the hunky James Franco. See Franco in the new release The Great Raid. Don't spoil it for me, though! I haven't seen it yet.

Axe Effect Ad

side view

Axe Effect Ad

Anyway, so there's this Axe / Tag Body Spray ad I'm obsessed with now, but now that I've made this image file I think I can move past it. Besides, there's already new ones to ingest and develop an immunity to. They've had some colorful ad campaigns along the way, the Axe/Tag people. The DVD collection of them may make a ripping Boxing Day gift. (Wow! The complete First Season with commentary!) I kinda like the one where we see the Tag Body Spray molecules working their way through the food chain until they get down to maggot level, and the maggots form a heart shape. They've since stopped the creativity and the subtlety of those ads and have now focused on the fundamentals, and so I finally get it now: they're selling the world's first Date Rape perfume. A perfume that gets women to just leap on you. Wow! Foregoing all that touchy feely crap in between. That can only be a positive thing, right?
As for this particular ad, what can I say? Why can't I live in a building with plumbing like that? Ladies discount: "Okay, this is the main living area. There's this shower pipe right in the middle of it, but on the plus side, you can use it as a stripper pole! Turn this place into a nightclub, hire a bouncer, cover charge, serve drinks, help pay the rent." Shyeah, right.

Re: Top fifty films for children up to the age of 14

Just found out about this when waiting in line at my local, unfranchised video rental store. Actually, it's called 'The British Film Institute's Top 50 films every child should see before the age of 14'. Although, some of the things like the fiery ending of 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'... what would be the appropriate age for that? Who knows. It's still pretty cool. Of the big Silent Era 3, it figures Chaplin would make the list. Keaton and Harold Lloyd did not. 'The General's no good? Of course, kids shouldn't be spending too much time watching movies these days, should they? As for 'Edward Scissorhands', kids just shouldn't be exposed to Anthony Michael Hall until at least age 16. Beetlejuice on the Disney Channel might be good.
Anyway, the point is, good idea for a list! It's out there on the web. Me myself, I've seen 18 of the things on the list, but it's less if you're only counting things seen within the last 5 years.
Man, that video store was something else. So much crap to watch. Why didn't I get a job there?

The political times we live in

Well, if THIS doesn't get some comments, nothing will. Adam Carolla on his new show got a couple of boos when he said the President doesn't like black people. He had to say "Hey, it's not just me. Check the record!" For example, he's never gone to speak before the NAACP. I think at this point in his career, or as some might call it, his presidency, people want to see him do things he doesn't want to do, like meet with Cindy Sheehan. Or say something like "Therefore, I shall resign the Presidency effective at noon tomorrow." Get a head start on that Baseball Commissioner career he's always wanted.

That ad!!

I still say it's Jasmine Guy.

The Roast of Pamela Anderson

Well, at least I don't have to buy it on DVD now. Although, it'll probably have cool commentaries and extra ... goodies like that. As one of my co-workers pointed out, it was a parade of a bunch of comedians I don't like. Most of Jackhole Industries was there. I could tell Roastmaster Jimmy Kimmel was thinking, this world then the Oscars! Adam Carolla, well, what can you say? Hardest working man in show biz. His new show after The Daily Show, there hardly seemed to be any joy of a premiere to it. Just more of the same. As for Pam, well, a recent Playboy poll still ranked Marilyn Monroe #1, and this was an all-time poll. How binding is that? On the other hand, we need someone living, damn it!