Box Office Yee-Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!

Man! Where does the time go? I'm even behind on my Box Office reports, but you already knew that. :) But I'm going to rectify that right now, but quickly because I got to get to bed once again. But first of all let me give a shout out to the people of Miller Beer and their Man Law ad-campaign, which let me say right off the bat is, in my mind, the front runner for the 2006 Clio for Best Series. However, it's not all silver lining. They truncated Undercover Brother's Comedic Dissertation about hiding a beer inside "the crack of a turkey"! For shame, Miller Beer. George Gallo will hear about this!!

So let's examine the box office tally of Sept. 15-22, because the week before that was pretty anemic so we'll just skip it entirely. Not one film cracked the 10 million barrier that week! How weak. Anyway, at #10 it's Crank with Jason Statham. It made 2.68 million worth off of people who thought they were going to see the Crank Yankers movie. It's DOA on crack, or Crank, basically; think I'll wait for Italian Job 2 or The One 2.

At #9 it's Hollywoodland, the little independent movie about Hollywood that could, and it will, to the tune of 2.72 mill this week for a total of 10.5 overall! Man, the Weinsteins are having a bad year so far. Could this be the Oscar buzz that Diane Lane thought Under the Tuscan Sun was going to be?

Coming in at #8 it's LMS as the kids are dubbing it. Hanging on with extra fingernails and sliding down the curtain extra slow, it's this season's little "independent" movie that could. Eat that, Trust the Man!

#7 brings us The Illusionist. Haven't seen it yet, but I'm guessing Jessica Biel is about as good in it as Christina Ricci was in Sleepy Hollow. :)

Invincible lives up to its name at #6, although I'm sure the producers were hoping it'd be posting The Perfect Storm-esque numbers by now. Hell, even Four Brothers numbers would suffice.

Ah yes, the big news here, folks. #5 brings us the latest Zach Braff Top 10-worthy entry, The Last Kiss, but trust me, this isn't the last we'll see of ol' Zach, because he's finally broken the Fletch Won curse! Having languished under development with Kevin Smith and Jason Lee at the helm for years and years, coming on a decade now it seems like, the Scrubs director, ol' whats his name has finally broken the curse and given new life to the prequel of that now 22-year old movie. Part of the deal was that the duo get to make another prequel, Baby Fletch. There isn't a full fledged script yet, but they do have a killer scene: Baby Fletch leaps out of the womb like Alan Cumming onto a stage and, whereas 99% of babies merely cry and flail about, Baby Fletch utters his first joke: "Can I borrow your towel for a sec, Doc? My car just hit an amniocentesis..." The studio is currently trying to fight off Bob Clark who feels strongly about the project.

Speaking of prequels, at #4 it's Renny Harlin, still in his Exorcist prequel funk with The Covenant. Geez, what next? The Sermon on the Mount? The Book of Talents? The Book of Talents 2: Heavenly Dividends? Help me out here, Churchy...

At #3 it's Everyone's Hero, and I still feel the same about it: pretty mundane for a Pixar-ish non-direct-to-video theatrical release. You need a bigger idea like talking cars or a Simpsons-esque family of superheroes. Leave Babe Ruth alone already! I'm in that camp of baseball nuts that says it's just lucky he could hit home runs; I think he'd have trouble sprinting to first on a single. All due respect to Christopher Reeve...

#2 brings us De Palma's latest, The Black Dahlia, or as he calls it, Femme Fatale 2. But he's of course thinking L.A. Confidential 2 for the Oscars. Josh Hartnett was thinking Sin City 1 1/2. S. Jo was just glad to get away from Woody for a while. Fingers crossed: please let there be a split-screen moment! ..oh yeah, and Hilary Swank was all, what am I? Molded whitefish?

Sorry, dePalma, you've been in #1 territory before, but clearly you've been bested by Phil Joanou's triumphant return to the forefront of the DGA with The Rock's latest, Gridiron Gang. Actually, this may be a first for Mr. Joanou. Now, if only he directed Doom, that might've done something!

Okay, gotta wrap this up now, but tune in again soon, and until next time, always remember: you ARE somebody!

Short Reviews - September

Welp, if THIS doesn't get me into trouble, nothing will. Damn the critics, the naysayers who demand fact from their fiction - oh, it's going on the air, baby. (QT in charge of the airwaves?) Besides, we gotta get people interested in TV movies somehow, right? As for me, I'll wait for the special edition DVD with commentary. They should've released them on the same day. Me myself, I've lately fallen back in love with Ghostbusters, but there are other movies out there, aren't there? Let's pound out some quickie reviews...

Suckers - Which is what you are if you see this.

Accepted - AKA Mac Commercial Guy: The Motion Picture. I'm getting tired of asking the one guy about his weiner! Boy, some of my local newspaper brethren skewered this thing right: poor unfortunate middle-class white kids can't study enough to get into regular college, so they have to make one up. Incidentally, the Simpsons already beat them to the SAME funny college acronym punch. But the real sad story behind the scenes here is the saga of Steve Pink. After all that hard work working alongside John Cusack to climb the ladder up to Film Director. The Devil's bargain is of course that it be to direct a film like this. Ouch! What would D.V. DeVincentis say?

The Grave - Boy! Talk about ANWaR drilling!...

Applebee Duo vs. Snickers Guy - Which of the TV Commercial Troubadors will win?

Malcolm X - The best film Malcolm X never saw.

Lavagirl - I don't know. Looks pretty slick, but I think it needs another pass through Renderman.

Silverado - Jeff Goldblum as Travis Bickle.

Into the Night (aka Michelle Pfeiffer Naked: The Motion Picture) - Jeff Goldblum as Chevy Chase.

CrossOver - The phrase "killer app" is used all too often in the software world; if not, it'll be their legacy. Anyway, sometimes to separate yourself from the pack of basketball movies )Love and Basketball), you need a killer app, and a slam dunk while jumping over two motorcycles is definitely a killer app.

Santa Clause 3 - Martin Short as Jack Frost? The role of a lifetime?

Until the End of the World - I know recording dreams is the next frontier and a cool-sounding idea and all that... but I dunno.  I mean, what if my dad were to watch a DVD of one of my dreams?  Something new to critique!  "That's a terrible dream and here are twenty-five reasons why.  First of all, it's in black and white.  Who dreams in black and white?  And second, you seem to have abandonment issues.  Third, why are you always running away in your dreams?  And I mean, ALWAYS?  I'm sure it's not just the one dream that I've seen of course... by the way, I apologize for prying.  And why are you recording these things anyway?  What a waste!  Don't damage the machine!  Don't damage the machine like that!"

Foodfight: The Motion Picture. This is a movie called Foodfight, and it has a 65 million dollar budget. Try and understand, this is why the rest of the world hates America.

Andrew McCarthy religious movie "Heaven Must Wait" (Diggity's treasure, whatever...) - Watch this movie and Andrew McCarthy will make you believe in Jesus. Watch him in Mulholland Drive and you're going straight to Hell. Oh yeah, which reminds me...

Fresh Horses - Ben Stiller, baby! He has it, Sex Majik, Sex Majik... Everybody!.... No one remembers? Okay, skip it,

Hostage - One of the critics said of One Hour Photo - Okay, Robin. We get it. As I watched the opening scene of this, a hostage negotiator (Bruce Willis) is negotiating the release of a mother and her kid being held hostage by the husband. (spoiler alert) The husband shoots himself, the wife ends up dead, and Willis gets to the kid just before he dies. I couldn't help but think to myself: it was bleak, but could it be bleaker? Well, could it? Also, they of course use the old tried and true rule of BDAGIF, except this time it's a black woman cop. Again, her death could've been a little more gruesome. That's all of it I saw...

Happy Feet - Happy Feet. Kermit had 'em. Steve Martin had 'em. And now, Happy Feet has 'em. How Farce of the Penguins wishes it looked.

I hate to say it, but time to play casting director: Christian Hayden as John Mark Karr? Kinduva double bill with Shattered Glass... Just a thought. ;)

This Film Is Not Yet Rated - I don't know. I can't really get excited about this issue. But I would agree there's something wrong with the MPAA if all it takes is the extra-agressive advocate like Neil LaBute or Kevin Smith to circumvent the disastrous NC-17. At least Showgirls took its lumps, or Henry and June. Nothing lately.

The Marine - Happy Propaganda! That'll get those recruitment goals up. Makes Firestorm look like a classic.

School For Scoundrels - I dunno; doesn't look so sweet.

And finally, the pretty boy movie of the moment: Path to 9/11, or the best episode of CSI: Blame the Clinton Administration I've ever seen. Finally! The Right is ponying up some serious money for Propaganda. In your face, Celsius 411 or whatever... If nothing else, these boys have an excellent future in titles and segue shots. Am I right, techie casting agents? Well, while we're waiting for the Daily Show / Colbert Report Comedy Nexus to return and tear this thing a new one nice and proper like, let's face it folks. This is all-out war. War between Management (The Media Conglomerates) and Labor (Everyone else), and the former members of the Clinton Administration who are still alive to defend themselves, still alive to bring about a nice fat Libel suit. To appease the Gods they should show The Reagans; you know, just to balance things out. Meanwhile all our children are standing by on the sidelines thinking, "What a bunch of dorks." Hell, I'm thinking that too.