Last-Minute Oscar Pic(k)s

All right, let's get this over with. We've got about 3 hours before the damn thing starts. What new features are they going to have this year to speed up the process? A live blog where the winners get to say everything they wanted to? Some kind of assembly line? Let's face it, folks: America's at the bottom of the list of countries that have the most fun. I say, if it takes 5 hours, let it take 5 hours! We gotta compete with Otro Rollo sometime!

So, what do we have left? Well, before I saw The Departed I was predicting a Scorsese sweep, and I don't think I heard any critic badmouth the movie. And then, I saw it on DVD. Sigh. Well, my close confidant was really down on it, more so than me, lumping it in with other Scorsese disasterpieces like New York, New York and Gangs of New York. Those are the big two. I'm a little more positive, and I say at least Gangs of New York had some production value and got out of that ballroom once in a while. Costco has also responded to a changing marketplace; the latest Scorsese 4-DVD collection features GoodFellas, The Aviator, The Departed and Mean Streets. Well, 3 out of 4 ain't bad. The previous one had New York, New York in it; I can't remember what else.

Time once again for the heading: What makes a bad movie bad? My confidant called The Departed a GoodFellas remake, but with the Joker from Batman, which I find an apt description. You know, reliving the glory days of Witches of Eastwick as the ultra-cool ladies man, 3 ladies at a time. And why not? With a re-locale to the mean streets of Boston this time. A little more parking on the streets out there, I guess. And somehow it's more profane than even GoodFellas was. The difference is that GoodFellas' language was less misogynistic. (not as much domestic violence in The Departed.)

At times the movie seemed like its own trailer, as plot developments were being crammed down our throats. And yes, that's a bad thing. If you had to pick from the Internet or cellphones, to decide which technological development is more likely to destroy movies, after watching The Departed I'd say cellphones. Remember Cellular? At least they didn't spend all kind of time sitting quietly in front of a laptop like in Assassins. What was that all about?

(spoiler alert) Also, I guess I was the only one who remembered this, but the ending reminded me of The World According to Garp, which ends with everyone getting shot. Original at the time, but what price originality, I say? So in summation, there is no Dances with Wolves this time to take away from Scorsese's Oscar gold, nor was he backed by one or more Weinsteins this go-round, so he's a shoe-in for an Oscar this time. But who knows, maybe the Academy will still shy away from rewarding extreme movie violence and give it to Babel instead. Better make The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt the best thing you've ever made, Marty.

** 1/2 stars; so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

---

Now, on to the rest of these damn Oscars. Best picture; I'd like to say Babel, as Jon Kilik once worked with the Coens and he'll finally get some gold, but I'm going to say The Queen, because isn't it time to reward some class?

Best actor, well, Peter O'Toole got that one award at the Oscars a while back and he got to make a speech, so I'm going to give it to Forest Whitaker, but really, the Academy'll be voting for Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Best Lead Actress; well, Taylor, I'll go along with everyone else and say Helen Mirren. Still, is there a slight chance Cruz could pull out a last-minute victory? If so, it's only because the Academy loved her so much in Woman on Top.

Best Supporting Actress: Scandal, indeed! How could Blanchett get nominated for Notes on a Scandal and not Babel? Or The Good German? Well, like Clooney once said, either way she'd lose. I'm going with Abigail Breslin, because I'm not ready to never hear the end of another accolade for American Idol. Look out, Anna Paquin and Keisha Castle Hughes, you've all been bested!

Best Direction; I'll go with another longshot and say Paul Greengrass for United 93. Why not. Wouldn't that be funny if I turned out to be right? :)

Best Cinematography; despite my prediction of a Pan sweep, I'm going against the grain here. It's a contentious field by men with their best work behind them. I'm sure Vilmos is tired of being known for CE3K. I'm going to say the two magic pics will split the vote, and Children of Men will get it, but only because the Academy really wanted to vote for 12 Monkeys.

Art Direction: Lots of set decorators nominated this year! I never noticed or cared about that before. Well, I was going to say Dreamgirls so that Coen co-conspirator Nancy Haigh could get some Oscar gold, but looks like it's going to that former Coen co-conspirator Rick Heinrichs, who's left them far behind and enjoyed greater success with Tim Burton and the pirates. Godspeed, Heinrichs, ya Kraut!

Best Costume: Normally, I'd say the winner's Colleen Atwood but she's surprisingly absent this year. There are, however, five very costume-oriented nominees this year. I was going to predict Dreamgirls, but The Devil wears Prada was number 1 with 27 million dollars. Gotta go with Prada, because Prada does work in mysterious ways.

Editing: Well, Schoonmaker's already got Oscar gold in the bag, so she's out. Gonna have to go with Stephen Mirrione, because Babel is the best Traffic-esque film he's won for since, well, Traffic! Need more be said? I submit that more need not!

Best original song: Melissa Etheridge, snowball in hell's chance. That leaves 3 from Dreamgirls and one from Cars. Now, normally I'd pick a Dreamgirls song due to that whole... what do you call that theory? You throw enough glue against the wall, and some of it is bound to stick. What do you call that theory? Also, Randy Newman already won for Monsters, Inc., but Cars did make more money than Dreamgirls so I'm going with Cars. I mean, seeing as how he put such a great effort into his last Oscar speech, who wouldn't want to hear him get another one? Of course, everyone will really be voting for Randy's song, Political Science, which he performed most recently on The Colbert Report. Lotta Colbert-heads out there in the voting Academy.

Best original score: Well, no John Williams or Danny Elfman this year, that's all I need to know. And I don't think we need another Newman to hog all the awards, thank you very much. Gonna go with Philip Glass for Notes on a Scandal, even though it's really a vote for The Thin Blue Line.

Best short documentary: I'm predicting what always wins: the documentary with a colon in the title, and this year it's Two Hands: The Leon Fleisher Story.

Best foreign language film of the year: It's Pan's Labyrinth, and they're just lucky that Babel wasn't in this category! :)

And then of course, there's the nerd oscars. I couldn't believe it, an award actually goes to a camera this time (Arriflex; look on eBay, you'll find one...) and not just George Lucas's latest software bundle. A clear victory for the neo-Luddites. Host Maggie Gyllenhaal? I thought they usually went with Esquire's Woman of the Year, which would've been Scarlett Johansson. Maybe Esquire should stop robbing the cradle for a while.

While they can't give an oscar to Al Gore, twelve hippie types won for ... "For their contributions to the environmentally responsible industry conversion from silver-based to cyan dye analog soundtracks. " Okay, but, some are going to say it's the Beginning of the End! Not me, of course.

And finally, another Lucas protegé Richard Edlund gets the Army's Medal of Commendation ... wait, that's an Oscar? Hmm! Never heard of that. He's getting it this year because The Judas Project is making a comeback in popularity, and last month it finally broke even! It's all profits from now on, baby. It was all worth it.

Man, these Oscars have worn me out. But sometimes you gotta do these things, and if you're in the biz of reviewing movies there's almost nothing more important than your opinion on who's gonna win. And so there you have it. I think the second most important thing is knowing what movie you'd take with you to a deserted island, because that's still the cartoonists' scenario, isn't it? Picture it: you're trapped on a deserted island with only five feet of sand around you and the one palm tree to lean up against. Now, assuming it's not the back of some large submerged turtle, what one movie would you want to have with you that you would watch til the end of time, which would only be a couple years given the current rate of ice cap meltage; again, assuming it's not a ginat turtle that could float with the rising tide. I've given this a lot of thought, and the movie I would of course want is Cast Away. Duh! I'm outta here, you bastards. :)

hello pvoogttkdedllcrmkaen

And now, another MRH exclusive: it's time for the Maxim Magazine review of Dr. Strangelove:

Yeah, it's a classic and all, but here's my two points: 1) I don't like black and white movies, and 2) I'm still trying to figure out this one plot point. At the beginning of the film, George C. Scott has a choice: leave and go start World War 3, or stay and have hot sex with his hotter secretary, and he chooses World War 3? Is he gay? If that's the way it's going to be, maybe humanity deserves to die in a thermonuclear holocaust.

Okay, on to the box office tallies. I guess Ghost Rider's no surprise; I just wonder what percentage of that 52 million total was spent on advertising... 50 percent? 60? Meanwhile, Bridge to Terabithia is yet another one of those complete surprises coming out of some left field I'm obviously not in touch with.. What is it? Nickelodeon? You Tube? My Space? Someday I shall find out!

Meantime, Norbit still spins strong, this time at #3, and unlike Stomp the Yard it's managed to stay out of the IMDb's Bottom 100, which is more than I can say for... Pluto Nash? Does Murphy have a film in the bottom 100? Well, if Best Defense doesn't qualify, nothing will!

Number 4 brings us Music and Lyrics, and so romance lives on another day. Which brings us to Daddy's Little Girls... uh, excuse me! Shouldn't that be Tyler Perry's Daddy's Little Girls? Must've been a Wednesday release. Don't despair, Tyler, you'll get to #1 again. You may just have to settle for another Madea project to do it, but we can't pick our fate, now, can we?

Meanwhile, Breach debuts at #6. Oh sure, they thought the one-word title movies would reign forever. There will be quite a spate of them throughout the year, but with titles like Ghost Rider and Terabithia, you can't help but think maybe you should've had another word in the title. Oh well. C'est la vie. Maybe we'll remember you for next year's oscars, maybe not...

Hannibal still falling at #7. Does this still mean we'll see Anthony Hopkins at some point in Hannibal 5? Why not? I just found out Shrek 4 is in the works.. Stranger things have happened.

Because I said so's magic must be wearing off, because now it's at #8. I don't think they said for it to do THAT!

Night at the Museum is having that proverbial cigarette in bed at #9 with almost 250 million in the bag. Fockers 3, Madagascar 2, here we come!

And finally, horror is just barely not dead at the box office this week with The Messengers at #10. Apparently, the tag line of the film is as follows: "There is evidence to suggest that children are highly susceptible to paranormal phenomena. They see what adults cannot. They believe what adults deny. And they are trying to warn us. " Uh, ever heard of The Sixth Sense? Duh! Of course, Haley Joel didn't really have much to warn us about, but I swear he spent that whole movie with his feet in a bucket of ice water. I swear it. But he's a true Southern gentlemen, because he's not one to Soak and Tell.

Well, that's it for the box office totals this week. If you need more information, check out the latest issue of Daily Variety, where you can read the Top 50 of the week! Oh sure, it's interesting and educational and all, at least at first, but once you get to about #25 on the list, well, it gets downright depressing by that point. Almost as depressing as, say, the saga of Zyzzyx Road.

Charlie Murphy! ()

Here's a tribute to the real star of this week's Box Office, Charlie Q. Murphy, one of the co-screenwriters of this week's #1 hit, Norbit, and who plays Taxi Driver in Night at the Museum, the #1 cumulative total on this week's box office, hands down. Happy-ness came close to 200 million, but didn't make it. Probably could've used some of that Charlie Murphy magic!

Anyway, I'm back, baby! Got a new computer and everything, but it'll still take a long time to enter in all those hyperlinks. Still gotta roll pizza dough by hand. Also, I don't know if I like wireless keyboards and mouse, but oh well. I've lucked out so far by not having dueling remote controls with my flamboyant neighbors yet.

Oh but enough about me. Let's get into it. At #10 it's The Queen, which they're calling the Best Reviewed Movie of the year, whatever that means. All I know is the Oscar gap broke up Alec and Kim. I hate to see that happen to Helen Mirren and Taylor Hackford.

Dangerously close to 100 million, a first for Bill Condon, it's Dreamgirls at #9. It's sure to win something at this year's Academy Awards, probably one for Song. Nuff said.

And one that probably will win for everything BUT song, it's Pan's Labyrinth at #8. I saw it; not bad. A little more like Hellboy than I'm sure the critics would care to admit. What I want to know is, who's the genius that could've gone with Faun's Labyrinth, but changed the name to Pan's Labyrinth for us American rubes? And are they getting windfall profits from that piece of marketing genius? Preferably in the form of T-Shirt royalties? Just wondering.

Smokin' Aces at #7. Yawn. Does this mean a re-configuration on the show Entourage? I thnk so!!!

Epic Movie at #6. Must be the re-fall of Taj. But I tell you what, at least that Harold and Kumar sequel got green-lit which is more than I can say for Dude, Where's my car 2.

-----

And now, we're closer to the Godly light as we enter the more exclusive hall of the Top 5, rounded out by that unstoppable mammoth, Night at the Museum, which should be gone in time for that Reno 911 movie. No double dipping, guys! Don't be greedy.

The Messengers at #4, or as it's known in the biz, Sam Raimi Tax Write-Off.

Because I Said So is kicking ass and taking names at #3. Why? Because they said so. Boo-yah! And it's also a major victory for that nerdy villain from Brewster's Millions who almost ruined that movie...

Hannibal Rising at #2, but unfortunately it probably won't rise any higher than #2. I just hope there's no corny ending like in Red Dragon where they tie the two movies together..

And finally, proving he's still the king of the Box Office, it's Norbit, the movie that was shot into orbit by a vigorous ad campaign and easily dominated this week, raking in 20 million more than that bastard Hannibal. Who to chalk it up to a greater victory for: Sandler-esque cinema, or the new wave of FUBU cross-dressers, like Big Momma and Tyler Perry, who by the way, his Daddy's Little Girls is coming out soon, and is sure to make hay of Norbit, so watch that hotfoot, Norbit! Me myself, I always kinda liked when Tracy Morgan would do Star Jones on SNL or what's her name, Estelle Parsons? Reminded me of Terry Jones in drag somehow, as in he was one of the best I'd ever seen. Well, second to Dame Edna, but I digress. Congrats, Norbit!

...Della Reese! That's who I was thinking of. Sorry, forgot to take my gingko biloba today. See, if you forget to take it, your memory won't be bolstered, and you'll be totally buggered; kinduva Catch 31. Well, that's about all the damage I can do this week. Stay tuned for more updates, and remember, it's STILL just a flashlight!

Ever have one of those days?

Well, if I don't get to this now I never will. Just made the big Google change-over; that is, they finally made it easy enough. I didn't get that confirmation e-mail last time. But anyway! No word on Colbert yet, either. sigh...

The box office. Not quite Valentine's Day yet, but Mandy Moore's already making an impact. She's kinda cute, but she got a little catty on that one mag cover she's doing this month. Why do you gotta go after Nicole Richie like that?

But at #10 this week, The Queen's still got it. She can do it all, except bring Di and Dodi back. Happyness is at #9, damn close to 200 million domestic. Guess it'll have to do it overseas. C'mon, corporations! Shell up.

Pan's Lab at #8. Only 21 mill total, but hey. Even The Shining didn't do so well when it first come out, but look at it now! It's a classic, and more importantly, they spoofed it on The Simpsons.

Meanwhile, Dreamgirls edges closer and closer to 100 million, which improves Eddie Murphy's Oscar chances. However, two weeks ago we reported that Bill Condon was interested in working again with Murphy on C-I-L-L My Landlord: The Motion Picture, but unfortunately Eddie backed out. He reportedly backed out when Condon showed him some 2nd unit work already done of prison sequences, which apparently made American History X look like Pippi Longstocking. Oh well. C'est la guerre. Onward to Shrek 3!

Stomp the Yard keeps on a'stompin' at #6, followed by Smokin' Aces at 5. Viva Poker!

Night at the Museum crosses the 225 million dollar mark at #4. Damn, this movie is like, it's own mint!

Epic Movie hangs in there at #3, and finally!!! We get to Because I Said So, which once again proves I haven't got my fingers on the Box Office pulse, but I do know that Norbit's going through the roof. I don't know where they advertized, but they did it! Big #2! Diane Keaton's STILL Back, baby! With this, and The Family Stone, she's proven F. Scott Fitzgerald's famous assertion wrong, that there are no 2nd acts in American lives.

I just realizehile Norton AINg! - I mean, I just realized: I HATE doing this while McAfee's running! I gotta go...

Hey, Colbert! Check & Mate!

The cover of the most latest Newsweek has Paris Hilton looking slightly different, with her arm around Britney Spears. While I was trying to figure out who's the more degraded of the two I noticed some of the words on the cover, and their main point was of what they call 'The Girls Gone Wild Effect'. Oh, sure, it's a sign of the internet's lowering our cultural bar, but I still say it's better than the CSI Effect some have talked about, which means making a smarter, more thorough criminal element, which I think is what we don't want.
And speaking of astronaut diapers, I am forced to bring the hammer down on Mr. Colbert once again. First it was for fathering Mary Cheney's baby, but I guess it all worked out because they've made a Letterman-esque marriage arrangement. And besides, like Harry Whittington, it doesn't really affect anyone's lives. But now he's really gone too far. By not recusing himself from attacking Cartoon Network and Aqua Teen Hunger Force, he's crossed too many moral and ethical boundaries to count, not to mention biting the large corporate hand at whose pleasure he serves. Does Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law ring a bell? Guilty by association! Just ask Keith Crofford, a low-level producer of both shows. Guilty further by the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon Law.
Well, there you have it, Colbert lovers. I don't know how much more proof you need. This is your beloved crusader against Big Hollywood. Nothing but a rank-and-file voice over artist! Are you not outraged? And I haven't even gotten into Ace and Gary yet. Now, I'm from the old, old school that says that acting is a form of witchcraft, but there are plenty out there who are suspicious of an actor man who 'pretends' to be a gay character. The South, mostly, but there are some of us in the North as well. So how about it, Stephen? If that's your real name... Isn't it time to face the judge and jury at long last? Care to explain yourself on at least one of my points? The clock is ticking, and the ball is in your court... :(

Time for more Oscar picks, but first ...

The Oscar clock keeps ticking away as my deliberations continue, but every once in a while there's regular news to take a look at, and seeing as how it's an issue that needs urgent addressing I'm going to take it off the back burner here and now. As you all know, there has been much buzz about my old column run years ago under the heading of "Who's Your Daddy?" and at that time I may have been the first blog to speculate about the father of Melissa Etheridge's child as either David Crosby or Pee-Wee Herman. I was at least in the top 3; it was a 3-way tie between Daily Kos and that fat Drudge bastid. Well, here I go making web history again: this time I will be the first blog to speculate as to the father of Mary Cheney's future child, and my inside-the-beltway sources tell me the now famous right-wing demagogue Stephen Colbert is indeed the father. Now, it begs the million dollar question: did she actually purchase Stephen Colbert's Formula 401, or was it a promotional gift? The only way we can find out is to appeal to the source himself, and a man of Colbert's caliber has not one, but two big websites devoted to himself: colbertnation.com, and the Comedy Central official site. Hard to say which site the man pays more attention to, so we're just going to have to make some noise at both of them. The time to act is now, people! And Mr. Colbert, if you're reading this, isn't it time you came clean with the American people on this? At long last, sir, have you the balls? Are you going to do the right thing and marry Ms. Cheney? That baby's not going to raise itself by its teeny, teeny bootstraps, sir!
All right, moving on. We've got a lot of Oscars to predict, so it's time for Round two of my predictions. (page Down for Round One...) I predict that Sherry Lansing WILL be present to receive this year's Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award, because this year she's shown as much courage as Dr. Christian ever did. Ennio Morricone will also be present to receive his honorary award. The Academy will try and try in vain to convince the world that it's for the score to S.N.A.K., but really, we all know it's for the recent digital remastering of The Good, The Bad and the Ugly, thanks again to a robust web-based ballot box stuffing.
For the short films, I'll pick 'em the way the Academy voters do: they go with the most Oscar-sounding title. For Live Action, it's Binta and the Great Idea. Animated, it's down to The Little Matchgirl and No Time for Nuts. It's been a contentious battle, but I think the current wave of anti-Chaplin sentiment in Hollywood will eventually be overlooked and The Little Matchgirl will win out, so that's who gets the statuette.
Sound mixing and editing, the same cabal of PTC2 nerds will plunder this category.
Best Supporting Actor? Well, it's a tough field this year and there are five very deserving nominees, but I'm going with the underdog because everybody loves an underdog story, and there is no bigger underdog than that shrimpy dude from Breaking Away! Why, I can see all the other bicyclists passing him now as it plays on the DVD player in my mind. The gold goes to Jackie Earle Haley.
Adapted screenplay: I don't think the Oscars are ready for a comedy to win, and especially not Borat since it would mean five statuettes, and of course more films like Borat, and even I don't think I'm ready for that. Same goes for Children with Men. In calling it, I'd better lay my cards on the table: here's hoping for that Departed sweep. The Departed takes the gold.
And last but not least tonight, Original Screenplay. Well, off the top I know who I DON'T want to win. Sorry to shout, but I feel strongly about this. Paul Haggis, hasn't he been accoladed to death yet? And that's just for L.A. Law and Due South. I love that show. I remember the time Leslie Nielsen was on there, being his own funny-ass self. Anyway, I also don't want Little Miss Sunshine to win. I don't know why. I think it's just too perfect and it'll set a bad precedent like Borat. I don't want The Queen to win, because we all know Helen Mirren's going to win for acting anyway. Can't have it both ways. That leaves Babel and Pan's Labyrinth in a Battle-Royale of the Buzz. Incidentally, why wasn't Battle Royale nominated for anything? A glaring omission on the Oscar's part, I think, especially given the popularity of poker, and swing music's second comeback since 1998. Oh well. Anyway, I'm also predicting a Labyrinth sweep. Two sweeps in one year! How lucky can one guy get? Labyrinth takes all its noms, including this one. Eat it, Brothers Grimm!
Okay, I gotta go but stay tuned for more Oscar pics. Boy, you should see my computer monitor! All the letters and underlines are slipping. Guess my computer forgot to take its meds. Peace out. :)