New Rule: Must Attack Historians

Ecch. Still reeling from that little bit of the opening sequence of South Park. They seem to be relying more and more heavily on the spewing of various bodily fluids. That's a lot of cutting and pasting for animation, but back to the matters at hand.

Bill Maher's back, baby! Well, he's been back for about five weeks now. He appeared on Larry King, and more recently on Keith Olbermann, where he once again invoked the sorriest of moments from this presidency, when Dubya sat in that classroom and continued to read My Pet Goat when he learned that the second trade tower fell. Remember that! He went ahead with the photo-op after the first Trade Tower was hit. I think Michael Moore's hypothesis is the answer to the question, What was going through the President's mind when he heard this? He must've been thinking, uh-oh, our Saudi friends are pissed off. Just for that, Bandar gets a slap on the wrist. But on to more recent events. I like to post Maher's 'talking points', because a) he doesn't seem to mind (haven't got my RSS feed up & running yet) and b) it's right on the money. Jokes alone can't hurt this president, we need action, and we need impeachment proceedings. When Clinton was president there was nothing too small for the Republicans to scrutinize, and now there's nothing too big for the Republicans to ignore. I forget who said that, but it could've been Voltaire. Anyway, here's Maher's latest New Rule. I should probably point out that it's from HBO, and there are some profanities in it, so children shouldn't read it, even though the real profanities are in the White House right now...

And finally, New Rule: Traitors don't get to question my patriotism. What could be less patriotic than constantly screwing things up for America? You know, it's literally hard to keep up with the sheer volume of scandals in the Bush Administration, which is why I like to download the latest scandals right onto my iPod. That way I can catch up on this week's Giant Fuck-Up on my drive in to work. In fact, Bush has so many scandals, he could open a chain of Bush Scandal and Fuck-Up theme restaurants. Ooh, should I get the Harriet Miers Meatloaf or the Katrina Krab-cakes?

You know, not to generalize, but the 29& of people who still support President Bush are the ones who love to pronounce themselves more patriotic than the rest of us, but just saying you're patriotic is like saying you have a big cock. If you have to say it, chances are it's not true. (to John Legend: I don't have to tell you...) And indeed, the party that flatters itself that they protect America better is the party that has exhausted the military, left the ports wide open, and purposefully outed a CIA agent, Valerie Plame. That's not treason anymore, outing a spy? Did I mention it was one of OUR spies? And how despicable that Bush's lackies attempted to diminish this crime by belittling her service, like she was just some chick who hung around the CIA. "An intern, really. Groupie, if you want to be mean about it."

No. Big lie. Valerie Plame was the CIA's operational officer in charge of counter-proliferation. Which means, she tracked loose nukes. So when Bush said, as he once did, that his absolute number one priority was preventing terrorists from getting loose nukes ... okay, that's what she worked on. That's what she devoted her life to, staying undercover for twenty years, maintaining two identities every god damn day. This is extraordinary service to your country. Valerie Plame was the kind of real life secret agent George Bush dreams of being when he's not too busy pretending to be a cowboy or a fighter pilot.

CIA agents are troops. This was a military assassination of one of our own, done through the press, ordered by Karl Rove. He said of Valerie Plame, "She's fair game". And then Cheney shot him. George Bush likes to claim that he doesn't question his critics' patriotism, just their judgment. Well, let me be the first of your critics, Mr. President, to question your judgment and your patriotism. Because let's not forget why they did it to her, because Valerie Plame was married to this guy Joe Wilson, who the Bush people hated because he busted them on one of their bullshit reasons for invading Iraq. He was sent to the African country of Niger to see if Niger were selling nucear fuel to Iraq. They weren't, it was bullshit, and he said so. In fact, his report was called, "Niger, please!"

Valerie Plame's husband told the truth about their lies, so they were willing to jeopardize an entire network of spies to ruin her life. Wow! Even the mob doesn't go after your family. Mark Twain said, "Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserve it.", and I say Valerie Plame is a patriot, because she spent her life servnig her country. 'Scooter' Libby is not because he spent his life serving Dick Cheney. Valerie Plame kept her secrets; the Bush administration leaked like the plumbing at Walter Reed. (uneasy reaction from the crowd for some reason... Too soon?) In the year 2008 I really think Hillary Clinton should run for President on a platform of restoring honor and integrity to the Oval Office.

It was one of our spies. That should be a bigger laugh if it wasn't so sad. This country doesn't deserve Mrs. Plame's service. And she is pretty good-looking, I have to admit that.
What else? Like father, like son: one of the big sound-bytes from the Bush-Dukakis days was the two of them saying "I don't question his patriotism, but I do question his judgment." But I for one don't want to go back to the days of Willie Horton tearing down the Berlin wall. Many do pine for the days of the Evil Empire, though. Guess we were just lucky that the Cold War pretty much managed itself, unlike today's... G.S.A.E.? (Global Struggle Against Extremism?) Somebody check the folder on Rummie's desk at the Pentagon. What are we calling it these days?

On the other end of the spectrum, compare that with Dennis Miller's recent appearance on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Jon, seriously, meet ME at camera 3. I know you guys go back and all, but seriously, Miller's just really pathetic now. Sure, he keeps himself fit and all, and I guess he's saved some money, but people like to beat up on Robin Williams too, and Miller's got this pre-digested stuff in the can ready to spew like the riff on Marathon Man: if you hang around long enough, the record starts to skip. Great movie, by the way. And sure, it's easy to pick on the elder statesmen of the Democrats like Robert Byrd and all; in fact, my good friend whose opinion I trust went much further than that, asking if Dennis Miller is in sixth grade. Next thing he'll be saying Senator Byrd has poopy-pants. Meanwhile, Strom Thurmond has just been elected the Mayor of his section of his graveyard, although a recount has been demanded. Maybe Dennis can take over on 'the 1/2 hour News Hour' on Fox News when his latest radio show gets cancelled. Or just stay at the guest house in Kennebunkport at the Bush compound and save us all a lot of trouble.

Peace out :)

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Folks, the penis enlargement emails are encroaching once again in my email. Not content to merely stay in my Bulk Mail folder, which can only mean it's time for another week's worth of Box Office duke-em-outs! Does size really matter, ladies? Isn't an arms race as such fundamentally dangerous? Shouldn't we as a nation be more obsessed with the proverbial motion of the ocean? Maybe someday we'll turn the tide, if only for the sake of the melting polar ice caps, but there I go mexing my mitaphors again, I'm afraid.

Meanwhile a cabal of mathematicians at Palo Alto finally solved the Lie group E8 math puzzle. Kinda makes me wish I visited the Lie group E8 websites before this was done. It'll be hard to find a site now that's not trying to cash in on the craze. But anyway, back to the bizness at hand of the Box Office Business. This week featured a good many new fresh contenders in the ol' Movie Meat Grinder, but the turtles have it! Hurrah for PG movies, they'll make a comeback yet. But let us turn back the clock and start from #10. I was going to go with the cumulative totals, but it works out pretty much the same anyway. Ah, screw it.
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But even before we get to that, let's pay a brief tribute to all those films from last week that are no longer on the box office list.

Music and Lyrics

Norbit

Zodiac

Ghost Rider

Bridge to Terabithia

I Think I Love My Wife

Man! What a regular Box Office Colonic!

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This week, at #10 it's one of last week's survivors, Dead Silence, the latest variation on the ol' Alien theme: in space, no one can hear you scream. Of course, these days, at a movie like Dead Silence, you might just hear the audience laugh at moments the filmmakers probably didn't intend to be unintentionally funny. Audiences are just growing numb to the horror and the romance genres in genral, don'tcha think?

Pride comes in at #9. Oh, I saw an online ad for this! That's all I ever saw for it. Guess I wasn't watching the right channels or something. Even Bernie Mac wants to forget this one. He'd almost rather do a Guess Who sequel at this point, but there's always Ocean's 13 to look forward to, right? And I kinda hope the other guy doesn't turn into another Cuba Gooding Jr. That would be bad, right, Spike?

Ah, and far too soon we arrive at Reign Over Me, at #8? Only #8? This is an outrage! Click made more money its third week! The way they were talking about it in the ads you'd'a thought it'd done a lot better than this. But after all it is an Oscar contender of sorts, so it has to make Oscar money, right? For those who don't know, Oscar money is a lot less than Blockbuster money. Generally the Oscar films don't crack the top 5, and barely make it to between 6 and 10. Except for the occasional anomaly like Lord of the Rings. But back to Reign, the alchemical blend of Sandler and Binder. Me myself, I blame Spielberg for putting Binder in Minority Report. It gave wings to his otherwise flailing career. I mean, for God's sake! He couldn't even sustain a sitcom on HBO! As for the film itself, the premise is that Adam Sandler lost his whole family on 9/11. Not to be too cynical, but what the hell, everyone else is at this point on the big 9/11: did anyone really lose their whole family in 9/11? Were there day care centers for the whole family in those business-oriented Trade Towers? Not only that, but evidently Sandler's character got insurance money for his 9/11 loss, which may very well make him the only 9/11 victim that has gotten insurance company money yet.

Coming at lucky number seven, it's The Last Mimzy, and out of resepct to Michael Phillips, some of the ads were calling it the best film since, you guessed it! CE3K, of course! I think they also lumped E.T. in there, too. The film itself seems a bit more like Zathura, but I don't think we want to go there at all.

And the would be hits just keep on coming. You know, rarely in this bizness do we see the rising of a whole new studio. Traffic gave us USA Films, The Peacemaker introduced us to DreamWorks, I think... anyone remember Savoy? Those running buffalo? Just me? How about Mandalay with the tiger vanity logo? The only film I remember associating with MAndalay was that Dennis Rodman / Van-Damme flic. (Man! Belloq falling on even harder times than usual.) Anyway, we have a new studio now: Fox Atomic, and they bring us The Hills have Eyes 2. And not a moment too soon, I'm afraid. Obviously it's a paean to the Iraq war, or a tribute, I can't tell which. And the bad guys are probably supposed to be the Iraqis, but only those Iraqis who still aren't standing up so that we can sit down in this ever increasingly more dangerous game of Bloody Musical Chairs that is the... what are we calling it this month? The Global Struggle against the Camel Jockeys? Let's face it, folks. With so many threats looming, Saudi Arabia threatening to deflate the dollar, and China and Wal-Mart threatening to make permanent the bottom line, the only thing that can save America is some good old fashioned World War II-era stereotyping. It probably wouldn't play as well in the European Union, but what else can we do to mobilize our own troops? The point being, the rest of the world hates us already, right? Even more so than during Monica-gate?
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And now the better half. Clinging to it at #5 is Premonition. Someone has to post the inevitable review: "Not as bad as you've been led to believe."

Wild Hogs at #4. Still speechless. Although I can imagine where it'll go in the Disney collection: between "The Wild" and ... Xanadu? "Old Yeller"? Guess I don't really care.

And finally! Seems like we've had to wait forever for this one. It's Shooter at #3. One of the TV spots had some subliminal messages in it, but I guess I'm not interested enough to decipher them. Maybe next week if this is still in the top 10. Doesn't Marky Mark look so damn cool in those shades, though?

At #2, it's 300, and it's closing in on the 200 million mark. Almost two thirds of the way there! They had an unfunny bit on SNL last night about the filming of the movie. It used to be, a long time ago, that SNL bits had more dimension than just one, back when Robert Smigel was on the writing staff, and Jon Lovitz fought valiantly against the writers' snobbishness, bringing balance to that force.

And finally, at #1, someone's latest triumph of marketing, it's TMNT, and not in some quasi wussy Muppet form. It's all CGI, baby, and all the better for it. Well, one way they prepped our appetites was by showing some recent TV incarnation of the turtles on TV, on Fox if I remember correctly. Anyway, kudos. And finally! The new Weinstein Company has a hit. Suck on that, Clerks 2. As for the Turtles themselves, they've been in the biz going on about 20 years now. It's been a long road and they're still crawling along it. All I know is that Turtles' co-creator Kevin Eastman is married to Julie Strain, that's all I know for sure about the man. Lucky bastid.

And that's about all the damage I can do this week as far as the Box Office is concerned. And now, back to the taxes, if I don't fall asleep first.

Late night aneurysm

Three o'clock in the morning, it came without warning. Ah, I love cable. In what other medium can you go from Cape Fear to For Your Eyes Only? I mean, seriously? What lunatic is going to make such off-handed selections in a video store or off of Netflix? Anyway, time every once in a while to get up on my high horse, as someone has to on occasion. Me myself, I fear I'm far too susceptible to the opinions of the culture at large, and I just want to say this before I begin to live the rest of my life with the meme rattling around in my head of Gore / power bill. For those of you who've read this blog with any regularity you may have noticed that I am a Democrat, and I lean to the left politically. First of all, I don't even care about the details of this whole Al Gore and his Tennessee power bill thing. There's right wing think tanks all over it anyway. I first heard about it on Air America Radio when they let one of these rightie blowhards get their talking points out about it, and quite expertly at that. Even I thought the guy should get a promotion from the great sales job. There was this other wacko who called in to Air America claiming to be running for president. He said many things like, he loves everybody... well, almost everybody, and he recycles and he doesn't heat his house.

Doesn't heat his house? He went on to explain. Well, he lives in California, which is certainly not Minne-so-cold, am I right? He doesn't have to heat his house, and on that rare occasion when it does get cold in California, he just puts on a jacket! And then it came out... not like that Al Gore. Ah hah!!!!! AH HAHHH!!!! Trapped in his own web. Someone is, I don't know who.

I guess, for me, I need something a little stronger than the following joke: who knew? Someone in Tennessee has electricity. So, here's my question: how about Dick Cheney? How about this deferment-getting draft-dodger getting the Navy to pay HIS power bill? I want a Republican to tell me how this is any different. I want a Republican to tell me that it's totally different because Cheney can't be exposed as a hypocrite, because Cheney has nothing to be hypocritical about. Everyone already knows he's pure evil. Cheney's not trying to be environmentally conscious, because there's a good chance he would be accused by his fellow righties of jamming environmentalism down their throats, which these days is obviously the greater crime, if not the greatest crime of them all. Besides, all the working class Righties who aren't in Cheney's inner circle know better than to speak of the man, or make eye contact with him when in his presence. Also, I'd like to know how many solar panels Cheney has on his house. Or does he just have the diesel generators running 24 hours a day? Just throwing it out there. Oh yeah, didn't I hear something about Cheney's other non-Lesbian daughter working for Halliburton? Well, that's just old fashioned bootstrapping by another unfortunate Republican just trying to make themselves a little more fortunate, right? I mean, it's not Whitewater we're talking about, right?

Wait in line for toilet paper? No thanks.

Sunday, March 18th, 2007

Well, we got past the Ides of March with nary a scratch, but now we must contend with the Ides of April! Far worse, I would offer. Why, I barely cracked the tax booklet yet and we've already got another box office slug-em-out fest to contend with. But enough about 300's sophomore slump. Let's start all the way at the bottom and work our way back to #1, babe, but this time we'll revive that happiness that died.

Dang! Even the creators of Music and Lyrics didn't expect it to last this long, and unlike Hugh's character in About a Boy, he's got no royalties safety net to fall back upon, and in the end, isn't the lack of a safety net what makes things that much more interesting?

Coming in at #9 it's Norbit, which doesn't defy the ancient Movie Title Rule like Music and Lyrics does at #10. Because from now on, when someone says "Norbit", you and I can say "Oh, God! That?" And everybody will know what we're talking about; I mean, everybody here will know exactly what we're talking about; takin' 'bout Norbit stuck on the soles of our shoes.

Sorry, another lyric reference. At #8 it's Zodiac, and there's already Oscar buzz a mere 11 months away. Too bad it's making Oscar-nominated money, too. I think they'd rather have a hit. Speaking of which, Ghost Rider is still riding high at #7, and with 100 million plus in the bank, it has about as good a chance as taking the Republican nomination for 2008 presidential candidate as anyone else. We know better than to try to get Cheney to run, even though it's normally tradition for the VP to run for P. Too bad 41 didn't do like Cheney's going to!

At #6 it's Bridge to Terabithia which is building a bridge to a Bridge to Terabithia sequel. But who will work on Prince Caspian in the meantime?

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Finally! The top 5, and rounding it out is I Think I Love My Wife. Is it (a) just another tale of Monogamy Blues, (b) the latest bomb from Chris Rock, or (c) is this indeed a new day in America? The ultimate triumph of FUBU cinema? A day when black men are allowed to play the same crappy roles that white men traditionally have played? Are We Done Yet? Well, there's another setback along the way, but otherwise I remain hopeful and say the answer to this query is indeed (c).
Moving on to #4 it's Dead Silence, from the lunkheads responsible for the Saw trilogy. Soon to be Saw Quartet, go figure! Things move way too fast for me these days. Anyway, this one is about a puppeteer not too dissimilar from the Saw clown, or whatever it is. Needless to say, if this film doesn't turn a profit, can you even doubt the next one's going to be about a movie producer rising from the grave exacting revenge on a disinterested movie-going public?

At #3 it's everyone's precious Premonition. The only movie in recent memory where they used a Flash ad online to make someone's face out of shrubbery and tree limbs. Well, unless you count Hannibal's face made out of pigeons, but wasn't that long enough ago? Does this mean she doesn't have to make cameo appearances on the G.Lo show anymore?

At #2 brings us Wild Hogs. I'm still speechless.

And finally at #1 it's someone's beloved 300. They're showing that picture of that one ripped dude screaming everywhere. I swear it's Clive Owen! Or at least, they wish they were. I guess that's all to say about it. Apparently it's based on the battle of Thermopylae, only way, WAY less boring. And with that, it's time to close the book on the Box Office this week. We have all tended this garden far too long; I was going to say just me, but frankly we could all use a break. We need to save up our strength for March 23rd, a big day for sequels: Hills have Eyes 2 and the sequel to The Family Man, amongst others. This list is going to look very different indeed! :)

The MRH Review: FAUN'S Labyrinth!

What more to say about Pan's Labyrinth, indeed? Well, I seen it, that much I know. Since he was at the Oscars, Guillermo Del Toro kinda reminds me of the Mexican Bob Zemeckis. There may be someone more qualified in that regard, I don't know, probably Robert Rodriguez, but Del Toro appeals more to adults in my limited experience. The film's still pretty darn high in the IMDb Top 250, which sometimes can be better than any ol' Oscar (3 Oscars: cinematography, makeup, art direction), but we still have to wait for Hellboy 2, don't we?

Anyway, I know it's a good movie and all, but as fantasy it just seems a little threadbare. Personally I need my film fantasies to be more like Terry Gilliam's stuff, or Lord of the Rings. It was different and original, as far as I know, I'll give 'em that. Although I must say that some of the recoil of the bodies getting shot at close range didn't seem realistic; as an action director Guillermo should've paid better attention to that, seeing as how it's a faerie tale for adults and all.

For those who are unfamiliar with the plot, it's about a darling little girl who retreats into her fantasy world at a remote cottage turned temporary army base in post-Franco Spain in World War II. And even though it is a period piece I can't help but draw comparisons to Dubya's White House anyway, as embodied by the cruel stepfather Capitán Vidal. While not an immediate parody of Dubya himself, Vidal seems to me to be an amalgam of Cheney and Rumsfeld, and all the other covert ass-kickers of this administration. The only difference being that Vidal gets his in the end, but before he does he has to do some rather gruesome self-stitchery, which was painful but still didn't look as painful as in Jean de Florette.

The fantasy sequences are few and far in-between, which perhaps makes it one of the best jobs of credibly blending fantasy and reality in recent cinema. Or maybe it's just a sign of the times, I don't know. (notice how both worlds ultimately demand unquestioning loyalty?) And while the online critics will bicker over it, the little girl sure was cute, which makes the ending all the more shocking. Still not dying to see it? Shame on you, then. It's currently out only on Region 3 DVD, so it just may be time to spring for a region-free DVD player.

***1/2

-so sayeth the Movie Review Hooligan

Wild Hogs Can't Be Broken

Oh man! It's well past time to jump back into the game. There's been too much abuse going on for far too long. So let's get into it. It's a real Battle of the Demographics this week. Drop the kids off at Zodiac, while the parents go to 300, something like that. And I'm already behind! They usually update the top 10 at about 2pm on Sunday; at least, that's been my limited experience. Well, let's get right into it this time! We'll be on top of it now.

And I'm glad in a way, because we get a chance to tear Amazing Grace a new one. Clocking in at #10, it's the ancient story behind that great, great Really Old Standard. I guess the religious Right haven't laid claim to it completely yet, because man! Look at those numbers! Only 2.53 million this week, and only 11.4 million total! I guess spendthriftiness must be one of the virtues in the Book of Virtues. C'mon, people! You can't get into heaven without watching Amazing Grace. "Dr." Dobson can't always buy your movie tickets for you!

I know, I'm being far too light on Michael Apted. Maybe the people in Port Angeles, WA were right.... Oh, snap!!!!

At #9 this week it's Breach, just one of four one-word titles this week, that is, if we can count 300 as a one-word title. No? Just the first two trimesters? Okay, skip it.

At #8 it's Music and Lyrics. For the American Idol crowd, it's sort of about how you get the songs you sing. Sort of.

At #7 it's The Number 23. From the director of Batman & Robin. How often do you get to say that? Or how about, from the director of D.C. Cab. Who will get to the Oscar finish line first, Joel or Jim? Maybe The Crowded Room will decide. Or has it been kicking around Hollywood long enough yet? What's it been, about 15 years?

Just shy of the Top 5 it's Norbit, and it's doing so well that they're running the next round of TV spots, showing that there are other people in the film too! A Wayans brother and, Undercover Brother himself! Who knew? Makes me feel sorry for Thandie Newton, sort of.

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And now, the top 5. David Fincher's back, baby! This time, with a real-life Seven, called Zodiac. Now, I'm no Christian or anything, but even I get tired of glorifying serial killers this way. Still, I don't know what's worse, serial killers or the 70s. But you get a little of both here. Don't worry, though: barring any new unforeseen strikes, we'll get Benjamin Button out there yet. Babel 2, they're calling it: Brad, you better work with Angelina again! And soon!

At #4 it's Ghost Rider, the only one to break 100 million this week. This is good news for Nicolas Cage, maybe he can finally get some work now!

At #3 it's (the?) Bridge to Terabithia, and once again, I don't know where the Lion's share of the ad campaign was, Nickelodeon, Noggin, wherever, but the numbers don't lie. Look at those numbers! Able to hold its own against 300, for one. All I know is, this is some kind of vindication for Gabor Csupo. He will no longer be known just for his attachment to the Simpsons and the Rugrats. Onward and upward to the Oscars for Mr. Csupo. Eat it, Al Adamson! Ironically enough, he used to date a girl named Terabithia, but we'll save that for later.

Number 2 brings us Wild Hogs. What can I say? I'm speechless. Some casting agent must've decided that its four stars have made enough bombs on their own, so why not pool their resources and make one big bomb together. Guess they screwed that one up too, huh?

Ah, how the new computer brings new problems. I've just lost the imdB's hyperlinks! Cool! Guess I need to subscribe to it or something. Anyway, at #1 it's 300. Oh, that Frank Miller is hot hot hot! This is a little something he tossed off in between Sin City sequels. Just goes to show that the attrition of Return of the King is still box office gold. But where to go from here? Why not just have one mega-super warrior slaughter a million soldiers? Too implausible? Guess we'll just have to wait for 600 to find out. Oh well.

Just got 'em back, the hyperlinks. Wonder what the hell happened...

And that's all the time I have today. Tune in next week for the next installment of Box Office Hee-Haw. I got about 4 hours before my guests arrive. Can I clean up my pigsty by then? Doubt it. :)