Auteur Watch (Hollywood) - Ken Kwapis

So what do you get for the guy who's directed everything? Everything from Sesame Street to Malcolm in the Middle to Larry Sanders? I mean, seriously? A fruit basket? About 5 weeks paid vacation a year? This dude's a dynamo! While never having a really truly breakout cinematic hit, his proudest achievement is probably Beautician and the Beast, even though he had to brave working with Timothy Dalton. Or maybe he's proud of the Panavision cameras of He Said, She Said. But it's all above reproach, really. Especially Vibes, the blatant 80s MTV cash-in attempt that most directors have on their resumé in one way or another.

Give up? I suppose the answer to the question off the top is: yet another stab at box office glory. Sof ar the aughts have provided Mr. Kwapis with all the TV work he can handle and then some. OTOH, he's no Joel Zwick. But he's been able to squeeze in the occasional theatrical release. And so comes License to Wed, the latest entry in Robin Williams' Comeback Tour. So far it ain't the late 80s all over again, when Robin and Levinson were riding high and turning everything to gold, and I mean EVERYTHING, but he's not lean and hungry like he was back then, is he? And this time, it's the hearts and minds of the Christian Right we're trying to win back, and not just the Viet Cong. And I tell you what, if this breaks 100 mill, Mr. Kwapis, it's Travel(l)ing Pants 2 time! And I don't mean direct-to-video, either! Or if you like, you can just produce and Brian Levant'll have to direct! Like a true Hollywood auteur. Heh heh...

p.s.: Not that you'll do it, but with all this new cache you'll have, I happen to have a script that would be perfect for you. It's like All of Me, but it's about a girl who channels the spirit of Ed Sullivan, and I think America Ferrara would be perfect for it... call me!

Short reviews: June 2007

V

About a month ago I stumbled across the coolest Internets thing since Virtual Sliced Bread! It was a Four-Word movie review! I mean, really, what more do you need than that? And no, I'm not being sarcastic. Maybe a little jealous, but I know a good thing when I see one, so I'm jumping on the bandwagon this month with my own feeble stab at cashing in on the hot new trend. And so,...



Ratatouille - Someone order bubonic plague?

Kansas City - Stockholm Syndrome, my ass!

Pink Panther 2 - Say it ain't so! (or 'Is it cost effective?' ... Damn! I knew I couldn't do it...)

American Buffalo - Coulda been better, Teach.

Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend - Eat it, Jurassic Park!

Lonely Hearts - Gandolfini getting type-casted?

Above the Law - Steven Seagal kicks ass!

Mr. Brooks - White Men Behaving Badly

Harry Potter 5 - Potter's mid-life crisis.

Hard to Kill - Seagal's hard to kill.

Superman 5 - Superman's a little pouty.

The Tiger and the Snow - Roberto Benigni's NEXT holocaust.

Silver Surfer - Totally not Terminator 2.

Marked for Death - Seagal kicks Jamaican ass!

'Rescue Me' - Don't hate the uniform.

Out for Justice - Seagal kicks Goombah ass!

Talk Radio - That Durn Liberal Media!

Under Siege - Seagal kicks Oscar ass!

Evan Almighty - Even snakehandlers like it!

On Deady Ground - Seagal kicks Greenpeace ass!

Kung Pow 2 - Four years too late...

Under Siege 2 (aka Steven Seagal 7) - Seagal kicks SEQUEL ass!

Superbad - Long time gone, Mottola!

Bob Roberts - That durn liberal media!

Eraserhead - David Lynch's pediatrics nightmare.

Executive Decision - Seagal gets ass kicked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"The Flight of the Conchords" - They Might Be Giants?

Ticker - Seagal. Pyun. Somehow inevitable.

Evening - Holy chick flick, Batman!

Network - That Durn Liberal Media!

Cabin Boy - Colleen? Assignment in Hell!

Knocked Up - Heigl trumps Alba, finally!

speaking of which...

Zyzzyx Road - Coolest box office ever!


Magic - This better make money...

Dreamscape - Norm's best movie role.

"The Flight of the Conchords" - HBO finds next Borat.

Thank You for Smoking - That Durn Liberal Media!

License to Wed - Kwapis: Ship still out...



Next month: 3 word movie reviews

close enough

And it's official! Die Hard 4 is rated PG-13. Oh, bitter dis-appointment. I haven't felt this let down since Alien v. Predator got the same rating! You'd think between the two of 'em it'd get an NC-17 for violence alone! Guess Verhoeven wasn't directing.

Okay, let's sneak up slowly on this week's Box Office, to make the new arrival's glory that much more glorified. At #10 it's Spider Man 3, and I hate to say it, but what the hell ... PATHETIC! Must be on video in China already... WITH commentary! How sad is that. Of course, the commentary is in Chinese, and the audience that night all chip in their two cents, but at least you didn't have to wait and pay the Costco premium price.

At #9 it's Mr. Brooks. Tig Productions, don't give up your day job!

Hostel 2 clocks in at #8. Well, it's still doing way better than The Condemned. Can't Quentin be friends with both?

At #7 it's Nancy Drew. Oh dear, does this mean that Emma Roberts is doomed to a lifetime of Hollywood outcast-ery just like ol' pappy Weirdo? Or does it mean that the recession's finally hitting the Nickelodeon crowd? Well, Emma, you just might be okay if the Maxim crowd embraces you. It's what saved Rose's career! Personally, I'd blame the director. He's still trying to get back into the Hollywood auteur crowd.

At #6 it's Shrek 3, and it's managed to maintain its lead over Pirates at 297 million, yet still lags 30 million behind Spider Man 3. PATHETIC!!!!!

-----------------------------------------------

And now the bigger half of the pie, starting off with Surf's Up at #5. Yawn, dude.

At #4 it's Pirates 3, and the big news of the week is that Depp's made a big pile of money his own self from this, about 92 million according to Forbes magazine! Man, no pirate loyalty! Still, it should take care of those pesky alimony problems for a while. And yet, he's not looking forward to Pirates 4. Can you believe that?

At #3 it's Knocked Up, still hanging in there. You know why? Well, part of its success is the simplicity of its poster: Seth Rogen's mug. Quite simply, the best movie poster since Paternity.

At #2, it's Ocean's 13. And sure, Bernie Mac's ready to retire from stand-up, but he'd rather do Ocean's 14 than another Inspector Gadget sequel. Supposedly.

And finally, as expected, Silver Surfer kicks a little asteroid this week with the biggest take. And who knows, maybe another surfing movie will come along to get caught up in this hot new surfing trend at the box office. Much bigger than the poker movies these days. And the big news is that a Simpsons alum worked on this turkey, thereby de-turkey-fying it a little bit. I haven't seen anything like it since the baby Bills were leaving the big Microsoft nest in the late 90s, and everywhere they went they would spread economic goodwill. But that was a pre-9/11 world, and America is now a petroleum-based economy, not a software-based economy. And speaking of Presidential politics influencing the cinema, why does every movie have to be based on an environmental disaster? Can't there be a superhero movie about an oil man that fights an impending environmental threat that's making gardens too bountiful and makes trees grow too fast? C'mon, Big Idea! You can do it!

Well, better get going. I gotta re-arrange the dirty dishes stacking up again. This is Stinky, over and out.

Bad trip, man. Bad trip.

I dunno. Li'l Bush was good and all, but where's Li'L Rovey? Maybe Season 2, huh? Just another day for JMM, but good job directing, Mr. Cary. You'll be making Groening money before you know it. Meanwhile, Dennis Miller's still trying to revive his career. If Comedy Central can't help do it, no one can. Maybe Spike TV. If Spike'll do it for Pee Wee, they'll do it for anybody!

All right, on to #5. It's Shrek 3, and so far it's slightly ahead of Pirates 3 in total money amassed. You'd think it'd have an advantage being half as long as Pirates 3... Hmm. Must be something wrong.

#4 brings us Surf's Up, this year's Happy Feet. What is it about CGI penguins? I must say that lately I've been coming out of my trailer funk, and this one looked pretty good, although I think the computer animators took some short cuts and used actual footage of killer waves, instead of going the full Nemo.

Knocked Up is still knocking on wood at #3. Guess it's a little more mainstream than 40 Days and 40 Nights. I tell you what, Seth Rogen, if this is still in the top 10 by the time Superbad comes out, you get to meet Spielberg! How's them apples?

PTC3 @ #2. Need more be said? Is Keith coming back for #4?

And finally, O13 takes the cake at #1. Oh sure, they had a big campaign, but they also had an ace up their sleeve: a guest shot by Oprah? Money in the bank, my friends! And for those of you in Oprah's Movie Club that haven't gone to see it yet, shame and double shame on you. Me myself, I haven't seen it yet - did they leave the door open for a fourth installment? I doubt they'll bring back Ellen, though. Just a hunch. Now, you know I hate to do this, but I've gotta call another critic out on this, because they were pickin' on my man Cheadle, saying that he only took this job to pay the rent. Now, why you gotta be bashin' Basher Tarr like dat? Fact is, they're ALL payin' the rent with this one. Clooney, for example, if it weren't for the Ocean's series, wouldn't have a #1 pic for the last 5 years or so. And the 'Yes I Am' beer guy ain't goin' back to the day job, no how. Check and mate. I gotta go ...

Title Here, vol. 1

And another week is slipping by again. Not good! But there's so much news in the headlines it's hard to keep up. The Senate is trying to revive their immigration bill, and I just found out that Cindy Margolis finally FINALLY posed in Playboy! Hurrah, America. Can Britney Spears and Christine Aguilera be far behind? Also, Martin Scorsese and Ellen DeGeneres have done an American Express commercial together. And we're a mere 2 1/2 hours away from the premiere of Li'l Bush. Red States, I wouldn't watch if I were you, it'd just be aggravating. A Simpsons alumnus is responsible for this.

Meanwhile, are we ready for a Mormon president? Is America ready for 10 First Ladies? Which brings us to this week's Top 10. At #10 it's Disturbia, still disturbing innocent theater-goers to the tune of ... $524K? PATHETIC!!! Besides, ads for Transformers are already running. Bet that costs way more than 524K already. Only the finest for Michael Bay.

At #9 it's Waitress. And yet, Keri Russell's still not returning Julia Stiles' calls. Even though they've already done, like, five movies together! OMG! Well, it seems like it, anyway.

At #8 it's Spider Man 3. Oh, Spidey! How far we've fallen. I didn't think you'd get to #8 for at least a couple more weeks! Better stave off Part 4 til 2010. Just a thought. Sam, put Jake on speed-dial just in case.

#7 brings us Mr. Brooks. Oh, I guess it really is every comedian's dream to do that big dramatical role and all. And Dane Cook was pretty good, too.

At #6 it's Hostel 2. Bad timing, I think. Eli, you didn't wait long enough for the stench of Grindhouse to clear. Why didn't you wait til Halloween to go up against Saw 4?

All right, that's all I can handle right now. Hope I didn't leave you high and dry. Stay tuned to this blog for more quips.

Hello!! What's that?!

Much really need not be said about Galaxy Quest. It's solid family entertainment - fun for the kids, and hip enough for the adults aware of the strife amongst the original Star Trek cast. Director Dean Parisot manages to capture the style of Peter Hyams, only entertaining. Not a lot of fancy swooping VistaGlide 2.0 camera moves like they'd have today. It's one of those films doomed to be stamped with a 3-star rating by the major critics because it's neither a David Lean film nor blatant Oscar bait, but I'll give you a four! My only complaint is the following slight nitpick: they have a clip of the 'Galaxy Quest' show from the early 80s, and the special effects are way too fancy for an 80s show.

****

so sayeth the Movie Review Hooligan

p.s.: Where they were then: Justin Long (Die Hard 4, Mac commecial guy - he's the Mac!), Rainn Wilson (Office guy; looks like SNL's Bill Hader)

Depp-ity Do

I just recalled one of those weird-ass dreams one has in the afternoon in the searing spring heat, where I was keeping my trackball mouse next to my bed and I knocked it over and cracked the trackball. One of those 'It Figures!' moments. But I'm awake and it's not broken so I can't help but feel slightly ahead on the deal. Which brings us to another bitter, contentious Box Office dispute this week. So let's start off at the bottom of the barrel, where the disparity between the rich and the poor couldn't be more clear. It's Disturbia at #10 with an anemic 1.13 million at the box office. PATHETIC! But who knows, maybe it'll stick around long enough for Transformers to blow it out of the water, or keep it afloat at #10. I'm in the middle of a Shia sandwich! I see that Carrie-Anne Moss is in this. Hey, Carrie-Anne, what's your game now can anybody play? Let me guess, is there a scene where you close your eyes and look distraught? You can teach that one to your acting class. Rowwrrr! Speaking of which, I love the IMDb's new feature of having photos of the film's premiere, and there's a photo of Kiely Williams of The Cheetah Girls. She gives it five paws! And she never gives a movie five paws.
28 Weeks Later is clinging at #9 a mere 4 weeks later from its USAian premiere. There's some bad grammer in there somewhere, but hey! Not bad for the web, right? And just to show there's no hard feelings, Danny Boyle's the exec prod on this one! Although, guess it hasn't made enough so he can quit the day job. Oh well, c'est la guerre. She is a fierce mistress, whether it's a fake pandemic or a real quagmire.
Speaking of horror films, Bug is at #8. I'm too rushed this week, can't make the segues any cattier. I don't get it! This is an Ashley Judd picture, isn't it? Where's the feminist pride? Where's the revenge on that sneaky ex-hubby? Where's the Big Unifying Theory on the fact that all men are pigs, yet they seek fresh cows? Hell, where's Morgan Freeman?! Too many unanswered questions. That's why it's tanking.
At #7 it's Gracie. Nice try, Davis Guggenheim. There's some of us who remember the liberal genies you let out of the bottle with the Academy-Award winning PowerPoint presentation, An Inconvenient Truth. I don't care if you make a thousand Gracies, the Cato Institute is gonna be on your ass like a redneck on pork rinds. Boo-yah! You just got served, or punk'd, one of the tween. I just don't care anymore.

-----------------*-----------------
Finally we get to a film that made more than 2 million this weekend! It's Waitress at #6, and I assume director Adrienne Shelley gave herself a meatier role than she had in, say, Factotum. Seriously, it was a small role. No lines or anything! WTF?!
Speaking of bugs run amok, at #5 it's Spider Man 3, having only spun 7.58 million worth of silk around that box office public. If I were Sony I'd be getting a little nervous. I know the Spider Man franchise took a walk on the wild side this go-round, 50s Bill Haley style and all, but still. Hey, at least it's not a total write-off like Superman 5, right?
At #4 it's Mr. Brooks which made exactly 10 million dollars. Go ahead! Check Variety. Not one penny over 10 million. Scary. Much like the film itself, I'm told. I guess it made more than Employee of the Month made total, right? Something like that. Both have a long way to go to catch up to Wedding Crashers, anyhow. Uphill all the way, boys.
At #3 it's Shrek 3. Doing pretty well, but it's probably got the most tie-in promotions of any other film out now, even more than Knocked Up at #2. Looks like we can expect another film from Mr. Apatow in 2008! Looks like you survived Celtic Pride after all; Colin, not so much.
At #1 it's Pirates 3. What's with all these three-parters? It's like some kind of curse on the Smurfs or something! Why, we're already up to Saw 4 this Halloween! IMHO - I'm going to go out on a limb here. So far I've only seen two of the Threequels this spring movie season and I can say unequivocally that Pirates 3 was the most entertaining of all. They've managed to do the best job of staying on that even blockbuster keel. And it's probably got the funniest peanut you'll ever see in a blockbuster. How many films can claim that, seriously?

Garry Shandling: GQ's Man of the Decade

Okay, maybe not, but he should be. Aren't these types of magazines getting tired of honoring George Clooney? Besides, he's going to start doing another Coen brothers movie, so he'll be too weird for the Tiger Beat crowd. But Garry Shandling, he's Da Man! We're dipping back into all those old Larry Sanders shows lately. One kinda takes for granted how good they were. I sure hate to think that Johnny Carson was as awkward backstage as Larry was, if that's the show's implication. And apparently they made all of HBO's other shows possible: Curb Your Enthusiasm comes in a close second on the Awkward-o-meter compared to Sanders. Need I mention that the show provided Rip Torn and Jeffrey Tambor with the roles of their lifetimes? I think not. And yes, I am aware of Dodgeball and Another Midnight Run, thank you very much. (TYVM?)

My close friend and I have been talking about Garry Shandling, and we've come to the concensus that Shandling's kind of a weird dude! What's that boxing thing all about? But he's one of these guys that's just naturally funny. There's not many of them. I guess Steve Martin sort of still is. Colbert seems naturally funny; Jon Stewart seems like he needs a script. You know, that kind of thing. I'd go on, but I still want to work in this business. The point of this post being that, Shandling's slowly coming back into the public eye. He was on The Daily Show to flog the latest installment of the Larry Sanders DVD, and he was on Bill Maher's show recently and held his own with Hurlyburly co-star Sean Penn. He said in one of his stand-up specials that he's middle-of-the-road politically. Not a bad place to be; if only more people on the right did that. That, and the boxing thing (it's how he works out, with a boxing trainer...) , I've been getting the vibe that, with all the talk that all these magazines throw about of the Man of the Year, Man of the Decade, the GQs and Details and Maxims and the Vanity Fairs of the world, you need look no further than Garry Shandling! He is your man of the whatever, year, decade, moment. AARP could have him as the It-Guy, if nothing else, but he probably wouldn't like that. :)