On your mark, get set ... D'Oh!

Well, TV's greatest under-achiever has finally done it... of course, with a little help from Fox and News Corp. Between the Simpsons and Star Wars, Fox must be torn! Why do all the big moneymakers lean to the left like this? Anyway, The Simpsons Movie arrives at #1 outdoing someone's expectations that it would only do 50 million. It's already up to 74 million! It's probably not going to break any of those other obscure records, like fastest film to 100 million, but you never know! Meanwhile, its place in the IMDb Top 250 is far from assured. As of now it's at 90, but it got as high as 45! Eat it, Brad Bird! We'll see how this all plays out over the coming weeks. I don't think there's a big film coming out this next weekend, so it looks like Homer's going to have to dominate for at least another week.

As for the rest, it pretty much boils down the way it did last week. Chuck & Larry, Harry Potter, and Hairspray all did about 60% of what they did last week. But that usually happens when the #1 film kicks so much ass!

But the feel-good story of the year has to be No Reservations, worming its way to #5 in between the older giants. But for director Scott Hicks, it's probably not going to turn out to be the gentle walk through the Oscar garden that 1996's Shine was.

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As for 6 thru 10, it's Transformers, Ratatouille, and Die Hard. And bringing up the rear is two newbies! At #9 it's I Know Who Killed Me. Now, I know what you're thinking, this is another fun-filled romp like I Know What You Did Last Summer. But that was ten years ago, and J. Love Hew isn't gimping for Oscar gold like Lindsay Lohan apparently is. (Ah! Cast credits listed alphabetically... she IS going for the Oscar gold! That's the oldest trick in the book.) But more importantly, Julia Ormond is back. This is her second American coming, but I still get the feeling like she's got more to lose this time than any of us.

And finally at #10 it's Who's Your Caddy? I didn't memorize the trailer very well. Is Carson Daly in this movie? As we speak, this is already worse than Troll 2! That was fast. Even faster than The Simpsons Movie gets to be the #1 best movie! See? Somehow it's all connected. I Heart Huckabees was right after all. And I think I better go.

I'm just wild about Chuck & Larry, and Chuck & Larry's wild about...

You get the idea. Well, I had quite an education this weekend, full of flicks and full of laughs. Now, I don't know much about sports, including baseball, but I seem to have a special place in my brain for the likes of, say, Todd Marinovich and the like. So after getting quite an earful of A-Rod's less-than-sportsmanlike antics, I couldn't help but think that once Dubya becomes Baseball Commish in Summer 2009, I get the feeling that A-Gon's gonig to fall by the wayside, and hard. There's only room for one Beaner in Dubya's entourage, friends. Now, Baseball Commissioner is just a ceremonial position, but I and my friend couldn't help but agree that Dubya'll fuck that up too!

Which brings us to this week's Box Office. Now while (I now pronounce you) Chuck & Larry doesn't boast as many sports cameos as, say, Anger Management, or as many Oscar-winning co-stars, it is this weeks #1 hit, surprising many in the biz as it made Harry Potter its b'atch! Just barely, though. Some are demanding a recount, according to the news. Hah! The news. What a laugh. In the meantime, Sandler, it's time to run those special TV spots: #1 movie in America. Pretty cool! Don't have to use the "#1 Comedy in America" spots this week. Maybe next week when The Simpsons Movie arrives to stomp some ass. (Already in the Top 250! I love it!!!!)

Harry Potter at #2... No. I'm just too offended to comment any further, except to say what's been in the back of my head since #3: What if they gave a new Harry Potter movie and nobody came?

Meantime, Hairspray brings up the rear in #3 with a resounding 27 and a half million Samolians! Zowee! Booger-naut! These are July 4-esque figures!... or are they? I can't remember the last time the top 3 movies shared the top 100 million so equitably, and shame on me for that. See, this isn't such an easy job, don't'cha think? Hey, you keep this up, Hairspray, and Travolta can get a second plane!

Meanwhile, Transformers is at #4, but it's almost caught up with Pirates 3! I saw Jerry Bruckheimer on some movie channel, and I swear he's been hanging around Spielberg too much, 'cuz he's starting to act like ol' Spiel-y! Either that, or Spielberg is channeling Don Simpson; probably not, though.

Rounding out the top 5... You know, the news is so info-tainted, they don't think the people can handle, say, Variety's Top 50! The Hollywood-Insider-ification of all of America is sorely lacking. We'll get a man on Mars before that! Meantime, enjoy these days because someday Pixar will be such an industry they'll have a film come out every 5 weeks, setting the record for a studio having a film in the top 10 all year. Until that day comes, at #5 it's Pixar's latest, Ratatouille, and the only bad thing about this is that it's going to make Patton Oswalt's ego inflate endlessly. Oh well, I always figured he'd go mainstream sooner than, say, Jim Norton, or any of the rest of the Boston comedy crowd.

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As for the rest, well, to be perfectly honest, I am reminded of my favourite star map book of my youth: Donald Menzel's Field Guide to the Stars and Planets, and I believe it was Star Map 88 that said the area around the Southern Pole Star was "devoid of stars". Which brings me to #6 to #10. Not much to comment on. Die Hard 4's probably not going to make it to 200 million, but it's at least making more than Hostage. Oh, snap! L2W, yawn. 1408, yawn. BA2, aka Evan Almighty, is almost at 100 million, but it's made about 9,000,000,000 EU in Vatican City alone! (about $300,000 american dollars) Hurrah, globalization! And The 40 year old Virgin part 2 is almost at 150 million! Guess that means we can expect the completion of the Judd Apatow trilogy in 2009; after that, Judd, better getcha self a brand new bag: look what happened to Hot Fuzz! :)

You've received a B.O. card from Harry Potter!

I should've known. The cutting edge of spam. ...Ah, good! It's still relevant Yahoo! news. The town of Brattleboro, VT is planning on stomping out its ancient traditions of public nudity like a cigarette butt. That's Brattleboro, VT, or as Norm likes to call it, Nazi Germany. The timing couldn't be more unfortunate, seeing as how the town of Springfield, VT has been selected as the official home of the world premiere of the Simpsons movie, featuring a buff Bart Simpson skateboarding downtown. And they say it's only going to make 112 million. Hah! I'll bet they're working on a sequel already: the Simpsons are evicted, move into Otto's school bus, and drive across the country entering in karaoke contests, til they finally get to the World Karaoke Championships in Branson, Missouri. Guest voices will include Wayne Newton... and that's it for the sequel. Wayne insisted that it be in the contract that he's the only guest voice. Hey, Grendel gets what Weldon wants.

Which brings us to this week's big weiner, Harry Potter 5! And while Mr. Equus himself only gets half of Tom Cruise's WOW paycheck, a paltry 50 million, the other stars are up to big things too. Rupert Grint's doing his version of Little Miss Sunshine, and who isn't drooling over Emma Watson, am I right? Next stop, the cover of FHM Magazine! As for J.K. herself, well, the next book will be about a successful novelist, but with a twist: in this novel their initials are K.J.!

Transformers slips to #2, but is still doing quite well. It's almost recouped its catering costs! And more importantly, the latest cover of Psychology Today asks the all-too timely question: "Are you an Autobot or a Decepticon?" And normally I wouldn't say it, but Shia's character name is freaking me out as it's dangerously close to my own name! That, and Colin Farrell from Minority Report. Sorry, but I don't see these things too often.

Boy, I tell ya, the web is a dangerous place. If you don't keep your head, you end up going off on wild tangents like reading about Posh Spice and that new Geico Cavemen TV show. Which is why I'm glad to get back to #3, Ratatouille, the biggest inter-species buddy movie since Clint worked with that orangutan. Only at #52 in the Top 250? Brad must be disappointed.

Die Hard 4 is at ... what else? #4! And, as if you needed further evidence of the re-Christ-ification of America, the tagline of the movie apparently includes the phrase "John 6:27", in honor of its release date. A little less God-y than, say, John 3:16. Incidentally, the text of John 6:27 is "Do not labor for the food which perishes, but for the food which endures to everlasting life, which the Son of Man will give you, because God the Father has set His seal on Him.” " Which was also the rules that the caterers had to follow. Bruce gets a little picky sometimes, but that's how it is when you're a big star. There's gotta be rules!

And rounding out the top 5 as they like to say on the news, it's License to Wed. Maybe I haven't been watching closely enough, but Mandy's been keeping a low profile. She's obviously got a bad agent. If I were her agent, I'd tell her! You gotta go extra-curricular to publicize a movie like this. Publicity stunts! That's what sells pictures. Just ask Don Swayze!

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And now to the dregs. #6 brings us 1408, still going strong for a month. Why the staying power? Well, I attribute it to the geniuses behind the scenes. There's genius on the screen, of course, with Cusack and Jackson finally together on screen after so many movies they were almost in together, but the screenwriting! That's where the magic happened on this one. Those Golden Globe-winning wordsmiths of note, Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski, who went from problem children to rejuvenating the biopic as we now know it (biopics of problem children, if you will) , have stumbled a little in these 2000s here, but they've learned from the mistakes of the past and have been born anew amidst the adversity and the slings and arrows, metaphorical and physical. You know, Lowell and Babaloo, you could take a page from these guys!

At #7 it's Evan Almighty. You know, it's the rare sequel without the Roman numeral. But let's face it, America. Hollywood is looking to the rest of the world for the real money. This is the #1 movie in Antarctica right now. India has embraced E.A. like gangbusters. In fact, it's been re-cut for India so it's more like the end credits. China is gearing up big time, filling our dollar stores with plastic arks and plastic animal playsets. You get the idea. And that's why talks are already underway for the third chapter in this story: God Almighty, about Morgan Freeman climbing Mount Olympus, on his way to the big Karaoke championship. This is for the coveted Mr. Karaoke Universe title, and I think I know who will be the Mrs.!

Well, the honeymoon's just about over for Knocked Up. It's done better than anyone hoped, of course. Still, it's not Wedding Crashers numbers. But it did cost a little less to make. Hmm! Too many variables to juggle. Better re-install Microsoft Excel here. Scuse me a second...

Sicko is still boffo at #9. Of course, it's not on 10,000 screens this time; otherwise it'd probably be doing better. But the main thing is that Congress is now re-thinking its doing nothing on health care. Meantime, I've got my new DGS Health Plan, which stands for: Don't Get Sick!

And finally, O13 rounds out the top 10. Seems like only yesterday it was out. What's it been, six weeks? Hard to say if its success justifies a fourth installment, but of course that's not a factor these days. Hey! Maybe they can somehow combine Pirates 4 and Ocean's 14: make Johnny Depp the 14th member of the Ocean gang. After all, AvP2 is coming out soon. Who doesn't like the latest fresh bandwagon, even the jaded Hollywood jetset?

Well, that's about all the damage I can do this week. Tune in next week! Peace out...

Auteur Watch: Coen Bros.

This just in! Official website! See the trailer, spoil the movie.
So, what're my boys up to? That modern day Powell / Pressburger? The other Ivory Merchants? With just a dash of Jhabvala thrown in for good measure? Currently as us U.S. chumps eagerly await the arrival of No Country for Old Men ... I'm not the only one, am I? Anyway, they're starting their next decade of films with Burn After Reading, starting in August after a short break so they can catch up on their summer blockbusters. Dang! Buscemi's not in Transformers. That's loyalty for ya. But he is in Chuck & Buck ... I mean, Chuck & Larry, aka Sandler's 2007 project. They could probably work that in before principal photography starts! Speaking of which, I can't think of any bigger news than the split of Deakins from Mike Zoss. ...WTF! The Domain Name Nazis have snapped up mikezoss.com! Those bastids. Well, there is good money in it after all, innit? Anyway, Deakins is chillin' for a while, but Emmanuel Lubezki's stepping in in the meantime. Not too shabby, but I would've gone for John Toll myself. At least he's got Oscars already. Oh, snap! Besides, why didn't you use Lubezki on NCFOM when he would've been appropriate? Or is that an appropriate observation? Anyhow, Deakins is working on In The Valley of Elah. That's one of those titles that just SOUNDS like an Oscar winner! Maybe that'll be the one, Rog. 5 Oscar noms! You won't be the Susan Lucci of the ASC forever! Or the BSC, for that matter.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. There was a thing on IFC of the big Cannes press conference, and I've got a beef with that foreign press, and I think Ethan does as well if I'm not mistaken! One of the reporters said to my boys that NCFOM is their best film in a decade. Eth diplomatically answered by saying "That's great, but we don't look at it in those terms." Sorry, guys, they thought they were talking to Dubya and saying he was the best American president in a decade. Well, somebody's gotta take him on, and it ain't gonna be Time Warner UPI, that's for sure. Nevertheless, let's take it film by film. Anyone heard of Lebowskifest.com? This is no fake thing that Steven Seagal might prop up by himself for Under Siege 2, my friends! It's not often a film gets its own Burning Man-esque following. Hmm! Think I better go to one of those within my lifetime. And of course, perhaps the foreign press don't know who made O Brother, Where Art Thou? They must've thought it was Preston Sturges. Guess they weren't crazy about The Man Who Wasn't There, either. Too American, right? Guess I better just skip Intolerable Cruelty and The Ladykillers, except to say that if anyone else made those movies, they would be applauded for filmmaking competence. Incidentally, what does that say? Special Cannes Jury Prize for Irma P. Hall? In your face, Foreign Press! I know, they were really giving it to her for her work in A Rugrats Kwanzaa Special. All right, that's probably more than enough of my raving. Even I grow weary of it! Or maybe it's that I've got 5 hrs. to get to work. The fantasy life'll just have to wait for the time being. 'Night! (J&E, call me!)

Do the Robo-Boogie! (Zero, zero, one one...)

And yes, as expected, the ad campaign paid off. And the word on the street is, this is the best Michael Bay film since the R-rated version of Pearl Harbor! It is Transformers, and it kicked ass with 153 million dollars. See, Die Hard? THAT's how you do a Wednesday release!

Now, in case all the expensive Transformers effects don't lure you to the cinema, how about Megan Fox? Oh, they're pulling out all the stops now! Thank god for Maxim magazine, a William Morris publication. Casting just got a whole lot easier! You know, Spielberg, you could learn a thing or two from Mr. Bay!

After that, it's pretty much the same as last week, except for the entry of License to Wed at #4, and the disappearance of Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Oh, why aren't the Christians happy? We got a serious discussion of the sanctity of marriage at #4, and the story of Noah at #5. What more do you want? A Left Behind TV movie? A Left Behind Channel?? Does the top 10 have to be all VeggieTales? Oh, right, they're still pissed off that Mel Gibson's snuff film didn't sweep the Oscars. Savor the small victories, guys. You got Warner Faith, right?

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Well, that's about it for the Box Office News. Besides, there are bigger fish to fry in the world at large. In Gossip news, Larry David was overheard at Canter's screaming about how Laurie's not getting half of the Seinfeld money. Or the Curb Your Enthusiasm money. Now, I'm no divorce attorney, but don't part on such a sour note! Compromise! Let her have the Sour Grapes money.

And of course the big news that's already blown over is the commuting of Scooter Libby's jail time. That night, after he got the good news, Scooter had a dream that he was at George Clooney's old timey-casino in Vegas hanging out with Haldeman and Ehrlichman. They both agreed that Scooter was a lightweight. Or was that Chuck Colson? Yeah, must've been Colson. Oh well, guess we're not all fortunate to find religion, eh, Chucky?

Despite all of this, our fearless leader, George W. Bush, enjoys a 26% approval rating. Some friends and I were speculating: who is this 26 percent, and what will it take to change their mind? The usual suspects cropped up: trailer parks, lobotomies, three-star generals and higher, Georgia GEDs, but it just hit me now, as it usually does once the conversation happened a couple days ago. It's the genius of Karl Rove! He's taken cemetery lists from all across the country, and rigged it so that all the dead people in America support Dubya! That explains the 26 percent! The Silent Majority strikes again. Good work, Rovey, have another eggy on me, ya ol' chubbychaser, you!

All right, that's about it for this week's B.O. report / Hollywood Insider report. Keep it real and keep it lit... something like that.

I dunno... I kinda liked it

Well, if this doesn't blow my credibility as a film critic, nothing will. Universally trashed by critics, I was ne'theless curious to see it, even more so than Gigli. Or maybe it was a temporary lapse in judgment. Or maybe it was temporary insanity. Incidentally, what is it about boat movies that are so expensive? Titanic, Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3, Speed 2, Hot Pursuit, the list goes on and on. Oh yeah, may contain spoilers, although I think I've ruined it plenty already.


Now I'm far from any Bible expert, and I was thankfully allowed to enjoy many of my Sundays as a youth instead of going to Sunday School, but this is really just a re-telling of the story of Noah, right down to the modern "My God! I'm the new Noah!" that we'd all of course expect. At least John Denver seemed more than sufficiently self-righteous in his spreading of God's message. Besides the Evan window dressing, and a slightly different ending, it's really the Noah story. At least the filmmakers did some homework: Evan, like Noah, has three kids. And apparently the story of Noah is Genesis 6:14. For even more obscure biblical references, try the Coens' The Ladykillers.


It seems to me that it's not so much the film that's getting smashed by the critics here, but the recent triumph of Christian values in American culture in general that's getting smashed, and should be, but God bless 'em, they seem to want it more. Like any one of them will tell you, missionaires can wait forever! Of course, I wouldn't hold my breath for too long: remember all the critics that called that first VeggieTales movie 'neat'? And look how that did!


The Christian critics are strangely silent on any of the issues that Evan Almighty presents, or represents. Maybe it's because they know this isn't the movie they're waiting for. Maybe they're waiting for all us secular critics to rip each other's throats out, and then they can all come out of the woodwork and get some nice discounts on recently distressed properties. Or maybe they're uncomfortable with the thought that a black man might be God, I don't know. Remember! When you get to Heaven, the first thing out of your mouth will be "Oh! Sorry about slavery!" I'm probably the wrong person to review this movie, anyway, since I'm not really a big voice in the secular movement. But as an example of good ol' fashioned American, blockbuster filmmaking, I must say I was entertained. I even liked the animals. It's not a four-star movie, but it's far from the worst movie in the world. I was prepared for the worst, but I found it an enjoyable 90 minutes, what can I say? I give credit to writers Steve Koren and Mark O'Keefe, whose other recent effort, Click, had a little more under the surface than Adam Sandler's usual layer of gross-out gags. Which is also one of the reasons I was relieved that Evan was rated PG. I made it through High Anxiety, I can handle bird poop...

Seriously, though, say what you will, just as there is scientific research behind junk food, there seems to be scientific research behind making blockbusters better. One critic complained that there was too much plot in this movie. I thought there was just the right amount, and I was able to follow it. The social circles I run in, they're not picky movie-goers. If they can dump their kids off to this, their only complaint is that it isn't longer. Another critic complained there wasn't enough character development. I'm going to let all you Christians in on a secret: that's us secular folks' code word for sex scenes. Which reminds me, doesn't Lauren Graham seem a little young to be playing a wife married for 20 years? Is it just me, or am I just pining for her work in Bad Santa? Now, maybe I'm headed for a mid-life crisis here, (I got a smile out of what ARK really stands for) but some of the critics complain that the laughs in this comedy are in the single digits, and that divided into 175 million is ... you get the idea. I guess that's true, but I don't usually bust my gut laughing at these things anyway. And I'm not a huge, disappointed Steve Carell fan either. I don't watch The Office religiously, but I did like him on The Daily Show, and Jon Stewart and Ed Helms have some nice parts in here. Note to Steve: No Nancy Walls? Is there trouble on the homefront?

Oh yeah, the camerawork. It wasn't too fancy, which I thought was one of the problems with Hot Fuzz, but that's another review.

As for the story of Noah itself, it really must be taken with a pillar of salt. It goes completely against Darwin and the body scientific: if you only save two of every animal in the world, that's a very small gene pool to rebuild from. One thing's for sure: they still can't quite get CGI birds right. Although Harry Potter's owl looks pretty good. Harry Potter's got a wing budget. Incidentally, the story of the making of Evan Almighty is probably an interesting story, too, which is slightly hinted at in the end credits.

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so sayeth the Movie Review Hooligan

Boo-hoo Boffo Box Office all the way, baby!

Oh dear, skipped another week again! Well, can't I have a life of my own here? Besides, this is a week that REALLY counts. Last week the way was cleared for Evan Almighty, but now some fresh new titans have come to clean up some more. But let's start at the bottom of the heap and slowly finger our way through this non-alphabetized list of summer blockbusters.

Way at the bottom of the heap at #10 is the latest weepy chick-flick Evening. Can't get into it. Although I did notice that there was this girl, and damned if she wasn't the reincarnation of Meryl Streep, and after doing a little digging, come to find out ... Surprise, surprise! It IS the reincarnation of Meryl Streep! And her name is... Robin Tunney? No wait, that's not right. It's ... Mamie Gummer? Really? I dunno. Doesn't sound very showbiz, but she did change it from Bessie Lou Koslovsky. Seriously, though, Meryl, that's some strong-willed DNA you got there! Not that there's any pressure on young Mamie to succeed, but if you don't win the Oscar for this, you're out of the family!

Well, this probably won't be on the list next week, so let me give a brief shout out to the latest and greatest cameraman-turned-director Lajos Koltai. Congrats, Lajos, you've graduated from being an obscure cameraman to being an obscure director. Eat it, Andrzej! And move down a chair.

Sorry about being so grouchy. I'm still steamed over Home for the Holidays. Which brings us to #9 and it's Sicko. Sorry, Mike, it's not 2004 and you're not opening just ahead of Spider-Man 2. Still it's doing better than Bowling for Columbine, right? Michael Moore may be doomed to a lifetime of reviews including the words "polemic" and "manipulative", but what have YOU done about the nation's broken health care system lately? Huh?!!

At #8 it's ... okay, I'll use the full title: Pirates of the Caribbean 3: The Obligatory Three-quel. Hey, wait a minute! I thought I enjoyed it. What gives? Oh yeah, just remembered. I just saw a trailer for the next VeggieTales movie, something about them being pirates. Oh yeah, it's called The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything. I get it, they're supposed to be liberals, right? It'll make money because it only cost $20,000 to make, believe it or not! Sounds neat, guys. Don't call us, we'll call you.

Speaking of 3quels, at #7 it's Ocean's 13. Well, it crossed the 100 million dollar mark. That's all they really need, right? Right? Hey, where's the budget info?

At #6 it's The 40 Year Old Virgin, part 2. And it's doing even better than Ocean's 13! And Clooney's been crusading so hard for the old school ways, with the suit and a tie, and that big fancy-shmancy Warner Bros.-sponsored casino of his. That'll show you for not letting me in!!! Bastards!

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And now the cream of the crop. #5 brings us Fantastic Four 2, which, if I know my movie math correctly, that makes it the Fantastic Eight? Seriously though, aren't there four new characters as compared with the last one?

At #4 it's Room 237. No, I mean 1408. And it's not the Overlook Hotel, it's the Dolphin Hotel. Man, what is wrong with this thing? Better move on, and quickly.

At #3 it's Evan Almighty, universally trashed by critics, so why's it doing so well? Such confusing, conflicted times we live in. And apparently, the CGI in the photo I posted is already better than anything in the movie! Well, I hope all the filmmakers enjoy spending their 15.1 million pieces of silver. Boy, inflation's really gone up in the past 2000 years, dontcha think?

At #2 it's Die Hard 4: Live Free or Die Hard. Great title. Makes me want to see the fifth one for the title alone. Well, sorry guys, but the ol' Wednesday release trick didn't work for you. Did you let Kevin Smith write his own dialogue? Big mistake. Really big mistake.

And finally, the little movie that could, at #1 it's Pixar 8.0 aka Ratatouille. And even more impressively it's stormtrooping its way through the ranks of the IMDb Top 250! Eat it, Senator Lasseter! Five kids? Damn! This'll re-think computer nerds for somebody. Anyway, congratulations, Brad Bird. Another one-time Spielberg protegé does well. You know what this means? It's time to dust-off the greatest unproduced script in your script cabinet: your own life story with Philip Seymour Hoffman in the lead! But would it be too much to ask if you let him bark like a dog this time? Peace out. :)

Clio - Summer 2007

Happy 4th, everybody! Oh man, I'm up way too late again. But before I go to bed, it's time to ruminate some more about that great short film festival in the sky: the commercials on TV. That Dello Joio bastard was right! I can't find his official website right now, so I'll save that for later.

Anywho, I don't know who nominates commercials for the Clio Awards, but I'd merely like to offer my suggestions for the nominees. Oh, so many great commercials. I'm reminded now of the latest Heineken ad where this dude brings this mini-Heineken keg and a sub sandwich to a party, and this other dude takes credit for the keg! Ah, it's high school all over again. Have we learned nothing from all those years of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm? Or maybe it's time for an American Expulsion? What else? There was a freaky one I saw just a little while ago for Airwick Ultra featuring a mommy giraffe and her two baby boars. Maybe the South is coming out of the Dark Ages yet if they let this one pass. There was also another creepy animated Red Bull commercial, but with dogs. Apparently Red Bull is not just for humans anymore. God bless Capitalism! And I'm growing weary of the dropped call commercials for Cingular/At&t. Maybe it's just the NSA fucking with people. Have you ever considered that? Like those Enron guys saying "Burn baby burn!" Our surveillance people have a sense of humor too!

But really, my two favorite, Clio-worthy entries of late are: #2 - that dude who does the ad for the new Ford F-Series Super Duty, featured in the picture here. Oh sure, he's a far cry from the 'he's lying' guy of the 80s, but I fell in love with the way he tries to lower his voice and sound like David Puddy. (Incidentally, when's he gonna host SNL? I hope he never goes crazy like Kramer or Mel Gibson, he seems like a righteous dude and I dig his work. He was The Tick!) Oh you don't have to play coy with me, Ford F-Series Super Duty guy! I know you're fakin' it with that old voice trick!

But at #1 it's the latest Celebrex ad that places the blame squarely on you. And me. That's right, these pharmaceutical companies have hearts too, and they are broken, my friends. The profits must be plateauing, and how depressing a prospect is that? Where's the exponential profits of the go-go Microsoft 90s? What about all those Social Security-grubbing old people hopping the buses to Canada for the cheap generic meds? Where's the grandmotherly love they lavish so readily on their own families? Doesn't Dow and Glaxo-Smith Kline Beecham Proctolo get a hug too? But really, the best thing about the commercial is that the whole world is made up of disclaimers. Each line a disclaimer line. The bicycle made of pharma text. The dog, the grass, the house! I love it. Pregnant women shouldn't handle broken pieces of their tablets, that kind of thing. Is this commercial not the triumph of someone's lack of imagination?

Well, those are my nominees for now. But the year is long and far from over. Maybe we'll see the next Quizno's Singing Roadkill come along and take our collective breath away before Big Pharma does. 'night!