Goodbye Spartans, Hello Oscars!

Yeah, I know. Everyone's waiting for my Oscar picks, aren't you? Well, considering the drubbing I took last year in the office pool, I'm going to bide my time a little bit before I make my predictions. Meantime, back to the messy bizness of looking at the real movie gold, AKA the Top 10 at the Box Office.

And let's just start right at the top. #1 is the latest from the hottest comedy duo since Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio, and these boys are Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg. Good news: it's made $18.5 million at the box office. Bad news: it's already made the IMDb Bottom 100!!!! Well, this wasn't meant for the critics, was it, guys?
At #2, it's Mother Truckin' RAMBO!!! Yeah, that's right, I was trying to keep this blog kid-friendly. Just remember, parents, they're the ones that do all the swearing! What do you think they're doing on the school bus all day? It ain't all Napoleon Dynamite time, I can tell you that!
All I know is, thank God Sly got to direct it himself this time. Too bad he didn't release it on Christmas Day so it could qualify for the Oscars. Oh well. Missed opportunities on the grass, alas.
At #3 it's 27 Dresses. Don't care. Eat that, New York chapter of NOW! heh heh...
#4 brings us Cloverfield. Oh, what a drop. But, on the other hand, it did make back its catering budget!
At #5 it's Untraceable. Diane Lane continues her streak as a god damn Movie Star! And she didn't even win an Oscar, did she? She's making out a little better than Oscar Winner Kim Basinger, for example. ...oh yeah, she was nominated for Unfaithful. And who won that year? Nicole Kidman in The Hours? Who saw that? Nobody, that's who!
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As for 6 to 10, well, it's just too depressing to even contemplate. Mad Money's almost gone, though, so that's good. I think this is the first time There Will Be Blood got onto the top 10. Someone else look that up, huh? But it's different now, because it and NCFOM BOTH have 8 Oscar noms! Personally, I hope NCFOM kicks ass all over that stage on Feb. 24th. I'm sure TWBB's a good movie and all, but it ain't gonna stay at #15 forever. Because, that's what NCFOM did! And now it's at #31, currently. At least, Daniel-Day Lewis is up for Best Lead Actor, while Chigurh is up for Best Supporting Actor, and I'm pretty sure that's a lock. Someone take me to Vegas, will ya? TWBB's got a nom for Art Direction, while NCFOM's got one for Best Sound. Otherwise, in the other five they're going head-to-head. It'll be interesting to see how it all turns out. All I know is, don't go up against Big Oil. It doesn't pay come Oscar time.

All right, let's get outta here. Peace out. :O) (Dagwood?)

Is Movie Monsters Still Scary?

Well, Time Magazine, Newsweek, or whichever inane publication drew the short straw and was forced to print that one, I think the box office clearly shows that, not only ARE they still scary, but quite profitable at that! Yes, something called Cloverfield is the hot new D-Wars on the block, apparently kinduva Godzilla remake, but with hot young Gen-Y types to bring some gravitas to the otherwise inane proceedings. Oh, but why do I have to be so negative? The real story of course is behind the scenes, with "Lost" scripter Drew Goddard, still a relatively young fella, and the rather old old-timer Matt Reeves, but he's a friend of J.J. Abrams so we can't badmouth him too much. Good job, guys, but don't quit your day job just yet. Maybe you can direct a couple episodes of Lost, Matt!
...oh crap. Lost track of time. This one might take a couple days. 27 Dresses? Never heard of it. Must've advertised it on the Lifetime Network or something. Ah, yes. The old Hollywood Humility trick, so Katherine Heigl's name is somewhere in the middle amongst the nobodies. ..something like that. The only other new one is Mad Money, debuting at #8. For some reason, probably because I'm a chauvinistic pig, but Diane Keaton is not a reason I go to the movies. Neither is Queen Latifah. On the guy side, Jason Schwartzman. For some reason, if Jason Schwartzman is in a movie, I probably have little to no interest in it. Especially if he's the star. If he's the only thing in the movie, why would I want to go and pay a $9 cover charge to go see that? Jack Nicholson, too. I ain't seeing The Bucket List. Even Rob Reiner didn't see it!
Sorry folks, I'm a little cranky tonight. I think it's the incense. For some reason, incense is a little too powerful for me. I was burning two sticks because they were stuck together; hopefully my whole apartment doesn't smell like switchgrass now. A brief Shout Out to Alvin and the Chipmunks and National Treasure 2, for though they may be on the decline, they both racked up 200 million at the Box Office. Good show, guys! Finally, Jason Lee has a hit! Will Earl ever really be the same? Then of course, there's I Am Legend. You sure are, Will. See you next year, whatever your next project is. Wild Wild West 2? Hah! Just kidding...

Everybody grab a bucket, indeed!

Well, don't have time to get into it completely, but man! You gotta be shi... kidding me! Bucket List, The? Can Rob Reiner afford to buy all those tickets himself? I guess Alan Zweibel didn't do the script on this one. ...see, he did North and The Story of Us. Need I say more?
The other big story of course is the second VeggieTales movie. Good God, has it really been six years? The sequel's already made so much money, they'll finally be able to start that class action lawsuit against those bastards, the Madagascar penguins. Score one for the 1-2-3 Penguins!
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what else? Ah, made the mistake of starting this too early in one fell burst. As you can see, I only riffed on two movies so far. And 2B honest, it's gonna be kinduva biz-ee week 4 me. Plus, +, the dang blog interface is getting a little less intuitive. Must be based on the blog's performance or somehting. Anyway, they were showing the original One Missed Call on cable; Sundance or some damn thing. And well, what can you say? Between The Bucket List, Friday part 4, I Am Legend, and Atonement, it's FUBU Cinema Central this week!
...okay, I've just been informed that, while Atonement is a good movie, and a great movie... why, ddin't it just win a Golden Globe?
Where was I? Oh yeah, time for bed. 'night, mother!!!

All right, back to work ...

Ah, the brand spankin' new year. But the box office still must bring us some of the stale old movies of last year. Why, I can't even remember my impressive local fireworks display! Must've slept through it. Anyway, let's all hope there's a little less spanking in the New Year, as it's only been a couple weeks, and kids in real life couldn't be that bad already, could they?

But before we get to that, alas, NCFOM's already slipping from its all time high of #15 in the IMDb Top 250, down to 23. Still, that's pretty good. Most films don't do that. On the other hand, it's probably not going to bode well for Burn After Reading. Why, I can see the headlines now: Coens slip and falter again with another shrill, over-produced dud that lies there like a turd on the screen... people can be so fickle.

All right, back to the current crop! Guess we'll just start with the triumph of NT2. It's like Titanic all over again; may it be #1 for another 14 weeks. Well, it's not all a rosy picture. Sure, Nat'l Trez raked in another 20 mill of loot, but it looks like Alvin & the Chipmunks has made 5 million more total? I'm not feeling the magic, people!
Meantime, in a hotly contested debate Juno kicked its way to #2! Hysterical pregnancy, indeed! Well, it's still trying to figure out what kind of blockbuster it wants to be... Ah yes! This Flash ad says it's the #1 Comedy in America. Well, NT2's the funniest #1 action pic! Man, what's a blockbusta gotta do to get some respekt?
#3: see above. I mean, it's I Am Legend! Ah yes, based on a previous screenplay. A screenplay by Team Corrington! Ooh, they were good. The 70s seem to be their best decade. ...Hey, check out the rack on that 'bot chick from the Terminator series on Fox!
#4: Chipmunks and the Alvin: see #1.
#5: Ah, finally! A newbie! And it's called One Missed Call. Yawn. Don't care. Another Japanese import, or is it another Saw spin-off in disquise? Oh, Burns, tell me you got to inject some of your unique take on modern relationships into the mix. As for you, Ms. Sossamon, well, even Jessica Alba went through a spell like this. Let's hope your career turns out more like hers and less like Tia Carrere. Oh, snap!
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As for the rest, well... at #6 it's Charlie Wilson's War, Charlie Brown! Still hanging in there, Oh, good, it got a gaggle of Golden Globe noms. Sadly, even this stalwart cinematic sensation might not be able to keep the GG's on the air. That's the rumour, anyway. Why not run with it?
At #7 it's P.S. I Love You. Well, it's just not a LaGravenese pic if Holly Hunter's not in it. Sorry, but I feel strongly about this.
#8 brings us the latest revival of the Loch Ness monster... or does it just pick up where Harry and the Hendersons left off? It's The Water Horse! And Brian Cox plays the old hand who helps us along by explaining the story as the kids get to have fun with ol' Loch-y, or whatever the Greenpeace types are calling it these days. I'd take this time to mention the career of Jay Russell, but a) it's too depressing a tale to tell, but b) at least he came back in a strong way. Took kind of a break after his 1987 entry, but is now on track with a film every 2 years, and well on his way to building a lasting legacy in the ledgers of cinema.
Sweeney Todd at 9, Atonement at 10... and with that, isn't it time for us all to atone for ... something? Man, movie musicals have just been sputtering and flip-flopping around the bottom of the boat since Chicago left us in the lurch. Why, even Alien v. Predator 2 didn't make it! Sorry, Busby, you'll have to wait for the next generation to re-discover you. Zei gezunt.