Short Reviews - Mar. '08

A short Short Reviews... oh, but that ain't right, is it?


Stop-Loss - Dang! Even MTV is against this war!

Prince of Tides, The - How Bubba-Jo Got His Groove Back. Please! Change the subject!!

Prom Night - Hey! She started it...

The Ruins - oh, the ruins, the descent, open water... Overloaded! I think it's time for one of those ... well, ANOTHER one of those spoof movies,,,

21 (the motion picture) - The house still always wins...

Meet The Browns - Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job!

Harrison's Flowers - worst movie ever!!! Damn the subject matter...

Harold & Kumar 2 - at least it's timely!

White Coats - yeah, I liked it the first time ... when it was called "Scrubs"!...

Street Kings - Keanu's Training Day....

The Forbidden Kingdom - jet li and jackie chan! Finally in the same movie.

Run Fatboy Run - shouldn't that be Nick Frost?

Forgetting Sarah Marshall - that SNL guy has way too much time on his hands

Marie Antoinette - Best 80s adolescence comedy ever!

The Dresser - Great movie. Gotta re-watch this one. ...or maybe not. Seems to be one of those movies that takes place over one night.

Somebody bitch-slap Dr. Suess, will ya?

And somebody bitch-slap this damn blogger software, while you're at it. They don't even ask me anymore if I'm sure I want to navigate away from this page and lose everything I've been typing. I don't know! Maybe I don't!
But I ramble on. This shouldn't be too hard to stitch back together. Just another B.O. analysis, only this time I'm starting at the bottom, all the better to savor the victors at the top my dear!

At #10 it's something called La Misma Luna (Depressed Moon?). I don't see an A-list name in the cast or crew, except for Ligiah Villalobos, who I can only assume is Reynaldo's kid. Look for this one at next year's Oscar under Best Foreign Film.

Vantage Point clings on at #9. I don't know, the trailer gave away too much for me. President Spider Woman sees his own awesome assassination, something like that. Evil twin? Clone? Evil clone? Flashback? Evil flashback? Who cares, am I right?

Locking and loading at #8 is The Bank Job. But did it make enough to justify Saffron Burrows' Triumphant Return to the screen? Only time will tell. And her next pic, of course.

At #7 it's CRT: the Rodent's College Road Trip, and that damn YouTube-inspired flipping pig. I think they call it Flippy! Or Bacon, right at the end during the big barbecue scene, heh heh...

At #6 it's Never Back Down, with Djimon Hounsou as the wizened old coach who's going to take that crazy kid to the top of whatever sport this film is supposed to be about? Box-kicking? Dance-boxing? Capoeiria-ikido? Meanwhile, Cuba Gooding Jr., not to be outdone, is working on Snow Dogs 2, and I just hope and pray Michael Vick doesn't make a guest appearance in this direct-to-video release...
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And now the top 5! And bringing up the rear is 10,000 BC with the second highest cume this week... 76 million clams? That's all? Man! We're not in a Recession, this is a damn Depression!

And speaking of depression, it's Drillbit Taylor at #4. Oh dear, has the market finally bottomed out on quirky characters with funny names and noses? Sorry, Rogen & Co, you should of gone with the R-rated version, like with Superbad and the 40 Year Old Virgin. That would've put it at #1. Meantime, more movie bullies, please! I can't get enough! Hey nerd, I'm talking to you! That kind of thing. Yeah, that never gets old.

Meanwhile, with a slim 100,000 dollar margin, Shutter reigns supreme at #3. Yes, it's another one of those Japanese haute-couture horror imports, with a Naomi Watts-esque blonde getting scared at every turn by only the coolest of special CGI F/X of spooky ghosts with bad teeth. Yawn and double yawn.

At #2 it's Tyler Perry's latest play-turned-hit movie, Meet the Browns. Only three more to go, right? Let's see, there's Madea's CLASS Reunion, Madea goes to Jail, and I Can Do Bad All By Myself. But if it's all just Madea, why not wait, Tyler, until you actually are 68 years old and 320 pounds? Why not? Just to keep it interesting. Why do I get the feeling that Frankie Faison and Angela Bassett feel like they were shanghai'd into this?

And finally another triumph for Dr. Seuss, the only guy in Hollywood making more money than, well, Tyler Perry, for one! And the SOB's dead, for God's sake! I must say I didn't think the make-up could get any stranger than the Grinch flick, but it does here in Horton Hears a Who. I tried to find a suitable Seuss-related image for this week's image, but my local video store doesn't have the Hooberbloob Hwy. on video, so instead I'm going to use this Hollywood vanity logo which belongs to this shmuck who produces that Charlie Sheen show, 2 1/2 men. All for you out there who wanted to be able to read the whole thing, but for some reason still don't have any kind of pausing capability. Worth it just for that, I must say!

And in the naked light I saw 10,000 BC, maybe more...

Nothin'? All right, folks, the pernt is...
Where was I? Oh yeah. Too much damage has gone on for too long, so it's back to the blogging. Meanwhile, the tabloids are putting Swayze in a corner. C'mon, Dubya! Stem cells could save the Swayze!
But I digress once again to pursue a bitter partisan agenda. Let's get back to the news proper like. No surprise here, 10,000 BC kicked some major ass at the box office this week! I'd say it stomped some mammoth ass, but it was indeed the mammoths that did the ass-stomping instead! Clearly there hath been naught like it since 2003's Best Picture winner, LOTR:ROTK as the kids lovingly blog about it. A $75 million budget for this one, mostly for the CGI it seems; clearly Emmerich's taken a hit for his last inconvenient blockbuster, The Day After Tomorrow. Not a name in the cast, apart from Cliff Curtis, and Omar Sharif! As narrator no less! What, caveman poker tricks?
At #2, or rather the #1 (family) comedy this week it's Disney(TM)'s College Road Trip. And its killer app of course is that cute somersaulting pig. Way to offend the Pork Lobby, Disney! I hope you're happy.
At #3, or rather, the #1 Presidential Assassination comedy this week, is Vantage Point. Steep drop-off in the numbers, folks; we're under 10 million. Let's get that economy rolling again, people! On the plus side, we're still knee-deep in Dennis Quaid's second career, and Matthew Fox is not only happy that he's getting work since... what was that prissy Fox soap opera that he was in? Table for One? ...Party of Five, that was it. So, Fox is not only happy that he's gotten work since Party of Five, but that no one else from that show is! Owwch....
At #4 it's the #1 heist serio-comedy pic of the week, The Bank Job. What? No Jet Li? When are he and Statham gonna get together again? Oh, that's right, I forgot, Fearless was Jet Li's last epic. Broad farce for him for now on. Sorry, ladies, The Brazilian Job is the Handsome Rob sequel we're waiting for. One more year, I guess.
At #5 it's the #1 Will Ferrell sports comedy, Semi-Pro. Is he still the 20 million dollar man, Hollywood? Guess we'll have to wait for Step Brothers to find out. BYKW? (But, you know what?) It's all good, because Costco's going to sell this with Ricky Bobby and Kicking & Screaming in a Multi-Pak. Though, it would sell better with a fourth sports movie. Maybe just have a documentary disk on the three movies. There's your fourth disc, there's your 4-Pak.

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And now for the rest. At #6 it's the #1 children's fantasy adaptation pic, and it's Spiderwick. I can't keep up on all these. My kids are waiting for that Captain Underpants movie. Or a Reid Fleming Milkman movie. Either one will do.
At #7 it's the #1 Victorian Era drama, Boleyn Girl. All I know is, it's no Girl with the Pearl Earring. Nuff said.
At #8 it's the #1 non-Star Trek-related teleportation pic, Jumper. I just hope Liman didn't go for points on this one.
At #9 it's the #1 MTV dance drama of the week, Step Up 2. Is that the proper genre? Along with Stomp the Yard, Save the Last Dance, Honey, She's All That. Maybe Costco will shrink-wrap all of those together too.
And finally at #10 it's the #1 ... Indiana Jones clone, Fool's Gold. Is that the proper genre? Probably not. But it is for the entire family. The kids will enjoy the action, and the parents will enjoy how the two leads try to repair their broken relationship. And the grandparents can reminisce about all the other Donald Sutherland movies they've ever seen in their life. As for me, I'm going to wait for my girlfriend to check this one out, and find a nice fluffy pillow to rest me head for when I fall asleep within the first 3 reels. And on that note, nighty night to the rest of you!

Short Reviews - Feb. '08

Dang! Slow month! And I still haven't seen an ad for that Miley Cyrus debacle.


How she Move - Dayamn! Paramount Vantage's ramping up...

Feel the Noise - j.lo producer?

Witless Protection - Oh crap! Was that Eric Roberts?

charlie Bartlett - I said it before and I'll say it again: editors shouldn't direct. Also, if only Topher Grace was a little younger... Or maybe Minghella's kid. He must of auditioned for the part...

Semi-pro / jackie moon - looks like the budget went to film stock this time, right, Will? And finally, the rating is out. Hmm! Sticks with an R rating, instead of a watered down PG-13. Pretty balls-y move for Will Ferrell. Wonder what he's up to...

step up 2 - how did this keep from going directly to video?

The Other Boleyn Girl - Cat fight of the century ... whatever century it takes place in.

Never back down - Oscar for best lead actor: djimon hounsou? I think so!

(Meet) Bill - I still say Jessica Alba's doing way too many movies.

the love guru - oh crap...

10,000 BC - I know I should be excited about this, and yet...

Comanche Moon - Too late, it's already on dvd.

Darjeeling Ltd. - Boy! Between those three, still can't decide who wins the gold in the Schnozz-Olympics! But no matter who wins, this film should win this year's Nose-bel Prize.

Stop-loss - Brought to you by MTV Films... and I think I know which studio's going to clean up at next year's Oscars!...

Conversations With Other Women - Tim Burton's least favorite movie.

What? No Lightfoot?

All right, let's crank out a damn movie review here. Well, now I can see why they only submitted the Death Proof half of Grindhouse to the Cannes Film Festival, because unlike Rodriguez, Tarantino seems to have more of an old-fashioned appreciation for the framing of shots. And the added length here makes it a tome of anticipation on a par with Kill Bill Vol. 2, as we wait to see when Stuntman Mike's gonna strike.
It's kinda like one of those Stephen King short stories that gets expanded to feature length. Not to give too much away, this is simply the story of a ... oh, I hate to use the word psychopathic killer, but I guess that's the term. It's just tossed around so much these days it's lost all meaning! He's decided that he's past his prime and he can no longer have the women he lusts after, the way he used to as a young man, and so he must kill them instead. I guess Kurt had fun with the part. Hard to say, but as with Used Cars so long ago, here he does get a chance to look straight into the camera at one point. QT's still got a knack for dialogue, but careful, ladies! It's not all happy movie references. And I think they went a little overboard on the first car crash. For one, the repetition of it. If nothing else, the violence of it was certainly much more hi-tech than the films they purport to pay homage to. Good Lord!
I'm the wrong guy to review this, really. This is probably too much of a chick flick for me. Lots of female bonding going on here, and in a slight variation on Maureen Dowd's observation, the girls here get in touch with their inner lap dancer. Do the chicks out there identify with this?
All in all, a decent flick, probably the most minimalist thing QT's done, and effective in that sense. However, for me it shoots itself in the foot in the third act and breaks its thriller spell, and gets a little bit stupid, if I may be so bold. **SPOILER** I mean, why wait to use the gun if you're really in danger? They do reference the film Vanishing Point explicitly and implicitly, and try to keep it on the pedestal that some put it up upon, but unfortunately like that film it doesn't completely stave off the boredom of the open road. And maybe it's just me, but I think I've slaked my thirst on the sassy black women saying M.F. all the time. I'll get my groove back though, I promise.

***
so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Will Ferrell at #... STOP THE PRESSES!

Oh, it's backwards time this time. Def., Maybe at #10, Witherspoon's Winter 2008 project debuts at #9... not good. But at #8!!! Number Eight. It's been a while since I've seen anything like it. Well, maybe Little Miss Sunshine, but I don't care about that one. Number eight is the one I care about. It rises once again like a phoenix, and it's only eight days away from being released on video! (normally, a weird coincidence, but it just got bumped up from #9) Surely its (box office) numbers will drop off then! Well, except for all those people who don't buy movies on video, and who only need to see something this violent only once. And I'm talkin' about No Country for Old Men, my friends. And I hate to be one of these people beating the same drum over and over again, but it's back again, baby! It's making more money than it did upon its initial release! Just for that, I say they should keep it in theaters all year. At least until Burn After Reading gets released. And I and a lot of other people will know there's a conspiracy afoot if Emmanuel Lubezki gets the Oscar for this one. Well, he'll get it for not getting blood on the camera. So, here's my question: when is Spielberg gonna help these guys out? Cape Fear ring a bell? How about giving Woody Allen a lifetime pass at DreamWorks? No more help to go around? I don't think so! Maybe you could just put B.A.R. in 8000 theaters on its opening day? And maybe publicize it a little more than usual? Hell, it's got half the Ocean's 13 Rat Pack in it! That's gotta be worth something, no?

What else? Boleyn Girl debuts at #4. Which normally would seem like the country's literacy is slowly turning around. Or maybe it's just the Eye Candy factor. Does Natalie Portman still count as eye candy, too? I don't have my ear to the ground.

Close Enough

Oh, I'll just never get it done at this rate. But let's give it up for this week's triumph, Vantage Point. And let's hear it for the continuation of Dennis Quaid's second coming. NOW will you forgive John Lee Hancock? He's got the perfect vehicle for you... probably. Personally, I think the trailer gave away too much, but who cares. Gotta love that cast. I coulda sworn Amanda Peet was in it! That's it, she's out of the Soderbergh Rat Pack.
As for the rest of the box office this week, yawn. Spiderwick at #2, Jumper jumps down to 3, Step up 4 the streets, heh heh... and Fool's Gold will not go quietly into the night at #5.
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And now, the rest of you dregs. Let's face it, the local news is right to report only the top 5. You want the Top 50, go to Variety.com. I think they're getting a little less stingy about what they give away at their web site. D,M is assuredly at #6, r jENK at #7 but soon to be superseded by College Road Trip, Juno gets the SNL bump at #8; so close to 200 mill, guys! Eat that, Dewey Cox.
But folks! Every once in a while the little movie that could (TLMTC) breaks through, and I'm talkin' about Be Kind Rewind. Yes, as the curtain closes on the VCR age, it's a movie slightly behind the times, but a Kaufman-esque premise that's long overdue. Long live the 80s. What else ya got, Gondry? Human Nature part 2? Red Hot Chili Peppers music video retrospective? Gimme what ya got!

Oh, this just ain't right. It's already 2pm and the new tallies aren't out yet. ...There we go. Damn you, Ferrell!