...close enough

Yep, just going to sneak this one in under the wire. And it's Prince Caspian taking its toll a whole week before Indiana Jones 4 is sure to mop up. A good friend of mine who's opinion I trust mentioned Caspian and said, "I don't get it." I said, yeah, the whole C.S. Lewis thing, series of six books, and they go, "I still don't get it." Apparently they just have previous footage of Tilda Swinton as the White Witch, doing like Boromir in LOTR:ROTK. And didn't Liam Neeson retire again? But they do have Warwick Davis and Peter Dinklage going toe to toe. See all the fun you're missing, Rappaport? Oh, that was just wrong...

At #2, it's Iron Man, surely paving the way for Elf 2, Zathura 2 and Made 2. Meanwhile, in other similar good news, What Happens in Vegas... stays strong at #3. You're still sexy, Cameron, don't worry. But let's have a shout out for scripter Dana Fox. Oh sure, you're not as dynamic or as Oscar-winning as Diablo Cody, but surely your next crappy script will be green-lit now, no problem! But look out, video shelves, we're already ramping up for When in Rome. Now, what's that all about? I don't think anyone's going to touch Do like the French Do, or maybe something about tourists in heat making whoopee on Easter Island. See? It writes itself!

Meanwhile at #4 it's Speed Racer. There's a lesson here, Wachowski brothers. Time to start doing interviews, even if they are unflattering. As for #5, Made of Honor, it's made of pure star charisma, flying high solely on the wings of Patrick Dempsey. Surely it is time for Run 2: 20 years Later or Loverboy 2: 20 years later? Resist the temptation, Demp!

As for the rest of you slugs, who cares. Except for The Visitor which, much like Made of Honor before it, is soaring on the wings of Six Feet Under star Richard Jenkins. Yes, he's flying high on his own now, giving comfort to all the unremarkable pasty white men out there. And speaking of the upcoming Step Brothers, is it not time for Jenkins and James Taylor to star in Two-Lane Blacktop 2: The Next Generation? In which Jenkins and Taylor mentor a couple of young punks, and I'm thinking John Mayer and, what's his name, that dufus married to Ashlee Simpson. Not the guy who was married to Jessica, though. Nick Lachey, that's the bastid. No, he's going to play the son of the bad karate teacher in the upcoming Karate Kid 5: Beyond All Hope.

Iron Man, pt. 2

Oh, something else I'll never get done. But by God I'm seeing this through to the end this time.
At #5 the Apatow Raunch Fest (ARF) continues unabated with Forgetting Sarah Marshall. How many screenplays is this bastard going to unleash on an unsuspecting public? At least as a director he's only got a two year gestation period. We'll just have to wait til 2009 for his next directorial effort, Untitled Judd Apatow/Adam Sandler Project. Sounds like it might surprise you!
At #4 it's Harold and Maude 2... no I'm sorry, it's Harold & Kumar 2. Something about Guantanamo Bay. I forget who likes it more, the ACLU or Amnesty International. And you thought they were a bunch of humorless liberals! Not true!
Moving briskly on to #3, it's Baby Mama. It's doing well, but is it doing well enough for Lorne? Hmmmm. That's a head-scratcher. As for Tina Fey, well, I think she's got too much time on her hands. Between 30 Rock and this and going back on SNL to endorse Hillary Clinton, way too much time.
At #2, from the director of Leonard Part 6 and City Slickers 2, it's Made of Honor (part 1). And it seems to be coasting aloft solely on the charm of the new Patrick Dempsey, but for me, it's breakthrough star Kevin McKidd who steals the show. Why? The awesome name! He's a McMan now!

And finally, at #1... Who knew? The superhero pic reigns triumphant at this week's Box Office. But, for how long? This time, it's another one from the Stan Lee side of things, Iron Lung ... Forgive me, my mind must be elsewhere. It's Iron Man, dummy! Now, the whole industry was skeptical that Jon Favreau could direct a blockbuster, but boy did he prove them wrong! Besides, people forget, his Elf kicked Russell Crowe's sorry historical ass just five years earlier or so. But I do get the feeling that when the DVD rolls around, we're going to have to suffer through footage of that day when Vince Vaughn stopped by the set, and ol' Fred Claus and Favreau just got to riffing, and improvised something better than anything in the movie. But don't worry, they'll make Swingers 2 out of it soon enough.

Iron Man, pt. 1

I hate to keep harping on this, but if there's anyone out there with No Country on Blu-Ray, maybe you could pause it for me and try to make out the inscription on that thing that's on the wall of the convenience store. It's probably not a circa-1980 thing, but I'll let it pass. I just wanna know what it says. Damn! I knew I should have taken a pair of binoculars to the theater with me... Also, note the ravages of bad letterboxing. Why, about a fifth of the bottom of the screen has been hacked off for the sake of prestigious-looking letterboxing. Similar hatchet jobs have been done to O Brother Where Art Thou and Intolerable Cruelty, although I suppose less people care so much about the latter. Am I the only one? Okay, skip it.
So! Let's dive right into the latest news, and I'll do it like I once did many moons ago: focusing on the bottom 5 first. At #10 it's 88 minutes, or ... wait, I know the answer to this one: 15 Minutes, part 5.86666667, something like that. Technically, it's a bomb, right? Oh well, these days certain people can bomb any number of times and it's okay.
At #9 it's 21, or Beyond the Sea 1.5, heh heh. And this thing's doing gangbusters, opening the door for movies to be green-lit about cribbage, abacuses, Old Maid, Go Fish and Bridge. Maybe David Mamet can get together with Ricky Jay and whip up something about Bridge, the Professor Emeritus of card games. Not too many writers can do a good treatment on the subject. Maybe get Eric Roth and Tony Kushner in on it too, for good measure. And Michael Tolkin and Steven Zaillian, they're not busy, right?
Prom Night slashes its way to #8. It's not your father's PG-13, I can tell you that!
At #7 it's Nim's Island. Speaking of games! Isn't Nim the one where you can cross off any number of slashes so that you're not the last sucker in the room, something like that? Neil Gaiman, eat your heart out. Anyway, Nim answers the question: what if Jodie Foster gave a movie and nobody came? Ah, she'll probably brush it off. Besides, she's still got Inside Man 2 to contend with, right? Or will they replace her with Maggie Gyllenhaal too?
And finally for now, from the director of Tummy Trouble and Roller Coaster Rabbit, comes The Forbidden Kingdom. Yes, that's right, in what should have been a perfectly good episode of (Hollywood) Auteur Watch, we ever so briefly examine the rise and rise of Rob Minkoff through the Hollywood ranks. No doubt about it, the bastid's paid his dues and then some. Apparently he was an animator on a little gem called Technological Threat. Careful, Rob! I think Kroyer's got your cell phone number, but he'll wait for the right opportunity to call, so brace yourself.
Okay, peace out.

Short Reviews - April '08

I have just seen the future, people: Wesley Snipes as Rev. Wright in a new Spike Lee joint: Bamboozled 2! Or is it Get on the Bus 2? One of those. Hey, you know what it's time for? Some more Four Word Movie Reviews!


Burn After Reading - just four more months ...

Wall:E - Total Short Circuit ripoff

Drop Zone - John Badham's Point Break

Smart People - Juno 2? Nothing less!

Thirteen Ghosts - F. Murray Abraham sushi

Then She Found Me - Oscar for Best Director?

What Happens in Vegas - ... is now on film!

Last King of Scotland, The - Randy Scotsman's fishhook crucifixion

Click - Adam Sandler's Slaughterhouse Five

Original Sin - Jolie's historically overpowering sexiness

Gia - Jolie's overpowering supermodel sexiness

Life or Something Like It - Seattle can sink anything ...

Taking Lives / Beyond Borders / A Mighty Heart - Jolie's overpowering activism sexiness

Lookin' to Get Out - Jolie's overpowering underage sexiness


Girl 6 - Under the Tarantinan Moon.

The Getaway (1995) - Better than Schepisi, Alec?

Breach - Penultimate CIA mole's Entrapment

What Lies Beneath - Pfeiff in the bathtub?

Thoth - Someone got a lisp?

Leatherheads - Football flix is nix

Indiana Jones 4 - Computer hackers aren't waiting ...

Forgetting Sarah Marshall - Comedy genre wearing thin

The Forbidden Kingdom - Crouching Tiger part 8

88 minutes - Off by 20 ... damn! I knew I couldn't sustain it.