And speaking of auteurs...

I was going to go to bed, but something on the computer usually catches my eye before I do. Usually an article that asks a provocative question. This time it's an article that asks the provocative question, "Who is the most overrated director?" Something like that. A link to it on the IMDb, anyhow. Well, as most of you know who read this blog, I tend not to deal with such subjects, and the aforementioned article attempts to untangle the intricacies of the paradoxes inherent in the question itself, and probably does the best job of it that one can do, so in answering the question on my own I'll just stick to the directors they list. After all, it's an honor just to be mentioned. And let's face it, the era of the film director is clearly in decline anyway. No, the real star of the silver screen is The Latest Special Effect 1.1a. Whatever it may be. Might not even be visual! Might be a Sound Effect 1.1a! No-names direct Pixar pictures; case closed.

And frankly, I'm shocked. Why isn't Michael Bay on this list? Or Brett Ratner for that matter? Oh man, do people hate that guy. But you know what? They put asses in seats. That's what directors do these days. Keep that popcorn 'n Pepsi babysitter rolling. Keepin' the promise of Federalism alive. People say Brett Ratner ruined X-Men 3, I say how can you tell? What, did he put the camera in all the wrong places? And Michael Bay, complain all you want, he's still making 150 million dollar pictures. Is that an accident? SOMEONE'S going to see these things! And now he's got Spielberg's produce-orial blessing instead of Bruckheimer. Kevin Costner, overrated as a director AND an actor. Not on the list. For shame.

But already I defeat my porpoise here. Let's get back to the(ir) list of Ten Overrated Directors, heavily weighted in terms of Oscar winners. Five bonafide Oscar winners, three nominees... really? Brian De Palma's never been nominated? Weird! Well, neither has Sidney Lumet, but that's just Hollywood politics. Anyway, and the other nominee that's never gotten an Oscar nomination, and he's my #1 most overrated director, Kevin Smith. And shame on you, Academy, for like, totally ignoring Jersey Girl. Did you not see that picture quality? No nomination for DP? Oh, but Vilmos, he's already won. That would just be unfair! But, no, the reason Kev's my #1 is not because of all that, not because everyone I ask about Clerks swears it's f@¢*(n hilarious, but knows nothing about the rest of his vast library of work, no. ...I was going to add another "Not because", but life's too short. No, the reason he's my #1 is because of his upcoming Zack and Miri make a Porno, which was going to be rated NC-17 until Kev and his lawyer friend went before the MPAA and complained. Oh, boo hoo, why can't I have an R, teach? PATHETIC! And you call yourself a director. A real director takes his or her lumps! A real director LIVES with their MPAA rating. Just ask Philip Kaufman!

As for the rest of the list, well, it's just too painful to put together, and I'm not putting as much thought into it as I should, but I think Quentin probably belongs at #2. I mean, he makes a mean film and all, but I think I'm still smarting from his publicity blitz for Pulp Fiction. Or Grindhouse, either one. And Kill Bill's great and all, but somehow I don't think they're showing it at any La Moz classes, however you spell it. Like Dave Letterman said, he's kinda dorky. And Letterman knows about dorky, believe me.

At #3 I've put Oliver Stone, director of Tarantino's script for Natural Born Killers. Although, to be fair, I'd rather have Ollie's entire film collection than any mere volume by David McCulloch or David Halberstam, for that matter. Or even a Doris Kearns Goodwin. Does Ann Coulter do actual history? She seems like the bookish type. Also, he's not just ruining American history anymore. He beat Baz Luhrmann and Leonardo Di Caprio to the punch and did Alexander, so he's not just permanently stuck in the 1970s like Quentin seems to be. And frankly, I don't know what to expect from his upcoming Dubya. It's either going to be Path to 9/11 part 2, or it'll be the perfect sendoff to the worst president in American history. All of American history! No small feat. But that's what a director does. Surprise you like that.

At #4, Brian De Palma. So close to greatness. He's the kind of guy who does the thing where you put your hand down on a wooden table and stab the spaces in between the fingers with a sharp knife, except De Palma, God bless him, just keeps hitting his fingers. Some say Scarface is a classic, I say the original is a classic. And the more I see The Untouchables, the more I think to myself, what the f-- is up with the music? Bonfire of the Vanities, oh don't get me started. I can't even bring myself to read the book about it (The Devil's Candy). I blame Vilmos for that one.

At #5, M. Night. He'd be higher up on the list, but I think The Happening has brought him some (measure of) redemption. See any of the ads? It's his first R-rated feature! Now, THAT's a motherf--'n director! Learn from that, Kevin.
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At #6, I put Opie, Ron Howard. I don't know why, maybe it's because he didn't mention any of the other nominees the year he won. Maybe it's because his films kinda suck. Apollo 13 was good, though. What else? Grand Theft Auto? And don't complain that I'm just ranking these guys in terms of how much money their films have made! I do like what he did in Grinch with that one dog's butt. Subtle, but cute. Something else you can learn from, Kev.

#7 brings us George Lucas. I like what the article said, all he's really directed was Star Wars, so it's not an issue having him on this list. Now, now, let's not leave out American Graffiti. Interesting how that works, though: on the one hand he's got megahits like Star Wars and Indiana Jones that will be seen forever. On the other hand, Howard the Duck and Radioland Murders. How do you produce both of those? Ponder on that one, Lucas! Ah, who am I kidding, he'll never have to work again. Oh yeah, apparently Lucas thought he could have directed Apocalypse Now. I'll leave others to bicker over that one. Needles to say, I think not.

At #8 I'll put Martin Scorsese. He's a director's director, and GoodFellas, well, if any director had a film like GoodFellas on their resumé they'd be set for life. Unfortunately, you also get misfires like The Departed and (The) Gangs of New York. Yeah, that's right, I didn't care for The Departed. Police work just shouldn't be this fraught with levels of complexity, if I've learned anything about movie cops lo these many years.

At #9, Steven Spielberg. Well, why not give the guy who's already got everything he'll ever need one more accolade? Everything he'll ever need and his children and his children's children. Although I heard he needs a new kidney. Cough up, Parkes!

And finally, the Coen Brothers. Are they overrated? Oh, probably, but if they've read my blog at all they should know how I feel about that. I'm still not a millionaire yet so I can't be your movie benefactors for life yet, guys, so this blog will just have to do. Besides, I hear you're tight with Bevan / Fellner again. Easy Street City! Now, the (other) article was mentioning all the movies that the guy was eagerly waiting for, like Clint Eastwood's latest, and no offense to Clint, but I couldn't help but think to myself... what are you, nuts? Million Dollar Baby part 2? No thanks. No, I'm the wrong person to ask what I'm excited to see, 'cuz I'm just not that excited anymore. I'll see the latest from Spielberg, or if George Lucas hits on a new great franchise idea. Maybe Batman Begins 3, or Spider Man 4, or Fahrenheit 9/11 pt. 2, I don't know. But I do know this: I am waiting for Burn After Reading, and that's only about fifteen days away, and it just may represent the last hurdle for the Coens to jump. They've already got the Oscars, the admiration of fans, and cast and crew alike, ... they've got the French critics in their pockets, anyhow. But the one thing that all these other guys got already, and that's a film to open at #1 at the Box Office. Except Kevin Smith. I don't think any of Smith's films have opened at #1, and they really tried with Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. They really, really tried. Ad after ad after ad, and the media even got involved, but not the way ol' KS wanted. The media asked, "Jay and Silent Bob... they're gay, right?" No! No, they're not gay. What's wrong with you media types? Have you SEEN any of their movies? Are you gay? They're dead butch!
Oh, but I digress again. Looks like Obama's going to win, and the Coens will have their #1 hit with Burn After Reading. Although, that IS an awful lot of Oscar winners to have in a comedy, guys. I'm just saying. You forget who you're dealing with here in America. A bunch of rubes. On the other hand, Larry the Cable Guy's films aren't doing all that great, neither. Not a #1 hit yet. Maybe we're finally crawling out of the primordial slime as a nation. Who knows? Maybe it's just me.

Auteur Watch - Fred Durst

Otherwise, it's just another normal week at the box office. Yeah, more like weak! Combined total of the top 10 films? 82.1 million in ticket sales. PATHETIC!!! Let's assess the damage, and for reasons you'll find out about later I'm starting off with lucky number seven, and it's Mirrors. I swear, you take the trailers of all these so-called horror movies of the last five years and they all look the same. Only the titles are different, and some of those are remakes of 70s horror movies. Meanwhile Dubya's in the White House going "Aw, man! Where's The Hitcher 2? They swore it'd be out before I left office... guess I'd better stay!" Maybe the Supreme Court can pull some more strings. Here, I'll help you with the tie-breaking opinion: "While we respect the fact that the people voted for Obama / Biden, it is the opinion of the highest court in the land that a Republican administration will do the best job in office, and when we say Republican administration, we say the current Republican administration. I mean, why change horses in midstream? Especially when they've stopped to take a leak." But I digress. Number 6 is Pineapple Express. Welp, that's the trouble with making movies for stoners. They're never sure if they went to see it or not! Shoulda given 'em some chips or somethin', guys.
At #5 it's Clone Wars. Man, even George Lucas didn't see this one. All the critics are so cynical, saying it's just a primer for a new show on Cartoon Network. What? Do you not admire the effort they're putting into it? How many TV shows do that, huh? So cynical. At #4 it's The Dark Knight (TDK: NASDAQ) and it's almost over the 500 million dollar mark. Don't give up now! No, it's headed for free-fall. I hate to see distributors pull something out of theaters before people really get a chance to see it. I mean, REALLY see it, you know?
And so we go from dark knight to Death Race (2008) at #3. How come no one's calling this a reboot? Could it be that the original's better? Nah, that can't be. Not with all your modern editing techniques. For this one, the latest state-of-the-art technique is to show it to a test audience, and they measure the heart beat of everyone in the theater. Then, you take the average heart beat, and edit the movie accordingly. Oh, it's a snap with Avid!
Maybe next week I'll do Auteur Watch: Fred Wolf. Yeah, it's only fair. Follow a Fred with a Fred. Two two-legged Freds right in a row, right, Imey? It truly is a Cinderella story, only with more flamboyant dresses. So, three cheers to all the stockholders at Happy Madison productions. It's gonna be a great summah!
Meanwhile at #1, Tropic Thunder reigns supreme yet again! Pretty kewl. At least they were brave and posted the budget, not like all the newbies this week. Cowards! Well, with an eye-popping $92 million price tag, it's still less costly than the occupation of Iraq. All hail Blackwater, our new corporate overlords!
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And so, as if we're trapped in some kind of unholy torus, we wrap back around to #10, and it's that Mummy sequel. You got anything to add? Me neither. Let's move on, then. Mamma Mia hangs on with fingernails at #9. Well, we can only hope that some more movie musicals get the green light as a result. Any other Bob Fosse Broadway shows that can be celluloidicized? It'd get Best Picture, easy!

And finally, what it's all about right here, Alfie. Number 8. Oh, it doesn't really matter what the name of this film is, or who's in it, and how it's further eroding their street cred. All we really need to know is that 1) this is probably the only week it'll be in the Top 10, so watch out come Oscar time next year. And 2) it was directed by... drumroll please! Da, da-da daaaa! FRED DURST. Maybe you've heard of him! If not, save yourself the aggravation and stop reading this. Yeah, you know, some people in this life aren't happy enough being the front man for one of the most annoying bands this side of the Insane Clown Posse, spewing so-called pop music on our public airwaves. Look, ma! I'm swearing! Well, what can you say? That's the toxic pop culture sewer we live in, here in the greatest country on Earth. But hey! If it's good enough for Halle Berry, it's good enough for me. And behind every obnoxious white guy with the evil Devil goatee there beats the heart of a proud, card-carrying member of the DGA. Yes, you've crawled out of the primordial slime, developed arms and legs, and your body has cannibalized the salamander tail, and now you've evolved that strange mix of psychological traits that a director must possess: half army general, half stage manager, half editing deck dominatrix. You keep up these PG-rated movies, Durst, and you too will sit at the big table mingling with the likes of Michael Apted, Arthur Hiller, Spike Lee and many others. Or maybe they'll welcome you already, who knows.

Auteur Watch - Hugh Hudson

Not to be confused with Hugh Wilson, director of such hits as Police Academy (1) and Blast from the Past. Although, like Hugh Wilson, I'm sure Hudson would agree, looking back on his award-winning career, that the 80s was his favourite decade. You know, Chariots of Fire was a big hit with critics and audiences alike, and Vangelis still sends him flowers, things were looking up ... but then, Greystoke hit. And then Revolution hit and missed, the cocaine reserves started to dry up, and then Lost Angels hit, and the studio figured, well, Colors was a big hit, why not this? So Hudson's gestation period gradually grew longer and longer. Thank god Lumière et compagnie came along to ease the tension. Now, I know all you naysayers out there are going to just get all negative and try in vain to counterbalance that bit of good luck and say "Oh, please! That was like Director's Jury Duty. Any fresh-faced kid with a DGA card got a job on that. Directors were trying to AVOID it, it was such a mess! But then, the Millennial panic finally paid off for Mr. Hugh, and brought us My Life So Far. Unfortunately, everyone thought it was the highly anticipated My So-Called Life movie, and turned away in disgust, much as they did with I Dreamed of Africa, so needles to say Hugh's been taking another long break, that is until IDoA gets shown enough on HBO and enough people confuse it with Out of Africa and tune in while they're washing dishes and the Nielsen ratings pump it up and finally make it solvent. Just like HBO's still trying to do with Valkenvania. Wikipedia says he's been up to something, but to me, if it's not on IMDb, it might as well not exist at all. So, here's to you, Hugh Hudson, and here's hoping that that Kate Hudson pic that Donald Petrie turned down comes through for you. You know, that one that takes place in one room in long 90-minute take a la Lars Von Trier, the one that would be considered a classic if it weren't for Captivity. Maybe Elisha will exec-produce that one too!

Hugh Hudson's IMDb entry
Hugh Hudson's Wikipedia entry

Finally! Geez, that took long enough.

But wait a minute! What's this? Pineapple Express got cut down to #5? Oh, Apatow's not gonna be happy about this. You betrayed him, Stiller, for the last time... just checking. Nope! Apatow didn't produce it! Guess he's off doing his own thing. He'll have something by Christmas time, I'm sure. Meantime, there's a gloomy sheriff walking down Main Street in Apatown, population Loser.

Anyway, let's assess the fallout. Strangely enough, after the first couple weeks, Batman's had a rather linear drop-off in repeat business. Hmm! People are finally looking past the hype and studying the flaws? Oh, that's not good. That's never good. But I think it's doing all right in the long run, well enough that someone free-lancing for GQ magazine a couple decades from now won't have to write a guilty pleasure article for some Hollywood producer titled "Why I like The Dark Knight" and extolling its virtues as a guilty pleasure. No, it's above and beyond that; Patrick Swayze's not in it, after all. Or Steven Seagal. No, someday someone will have to write a similar article titled "Why I like Who's Your Caddy", or "Why I like From Justin to Kelly." But it (The Dark Knight) had to be bested by someone eventually, and Tropic Thunder, Ben Stiller's latest, was finally able to do it. If my counting's correct, this is his fourth feature film in so many years, and I think we can all attribute its success to a youth bubble that grew up on Night at the Museum and is finally able to appreciate Ben's R-rated side. And of course, I'll do my part to differentiate screenwriter Etan Cohen from Ethan Coen. It won't be easy. I mean, their names are pretty similar. They even have the same number of letters! All you do is move an 'h' around, and the two are the same! They did the Matrix, right?

Moving briskly along to #3, it's an animated Star Wars feature. Of the voices, C3PO and Mace Windu came back. And Count Dooku. Something depressing about that. I'm far too depressed to see if the guy who does Jabba the Hutt's voice is the same as from Return of the Jedi. ...okay, just looked. So, who did the voice in Jedi? James Earl Jones, right? ... Nope, someone else.

What's next? Oh yeah, that horror movie at #4, called Mirrors. Not as setting-centric as 1408, but a little more substantial than that one with ... who's that guy who looks like David Duchovny but he's different? Or that one where some gal's making her bed and you see a pair of legs standing on the bed under the covers? So many provocative images, so little time. But in Mirrors, internationally renowned movie star Amy Smart has the rare distinction of opening her mouth wider than her skull can handle, in order to display the emotion of fear. And it's not even CGI! Oh, if only I still had my DVD burner I could capture an image of that. And I've never heard Kiefer so scared since he was buried alive in ... what was that movie? Da Vanishing, that's it. Let's move on now. Pineapple Express at #5, yada yada yada...
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As for the rest of you mugs, there's the most newbies we've seen in a while, but most of the old-bies are here in the 6 to 9 range. Except of course, for the best movie Woody Allen's made in twenty years, and it's Crimes and Misdemeanors 2! Hah! I bet he gets tired of hearing about that one. But what about Shadows and Fog, he might ask? And Bullets over Broadway, for Christ's sake! Dianne Wiest only won the fucking Oscar for that! And how about Mighty Aphrodite? Didn't Mira Sorvino win for that one? Better look it up again ... She very much did! So, what's that? Chopped liver? Guess so! And how about... nope, guess that's about it. Never mind.

Li'l Bit...

The Destructors a.k.a. The Marseille Contract.
Last seen on: ... TCM? (Turner Classic Movies). Yeah, that was it, because afterward they had ads for upcoming pics with Chaplin and Fatty Arbuckle. Oh, weren't they great together? On the other hand, they're not yet in HD. Get on that, guys! Ted, pay the extra 50 bucks. Make the conversion.
Anyway, let me wrap this up before I lose interest altogether. Michael Caine was in fine form as always, but it takes about a half hour before he even enters the damn picture! Somehow the stuff at the beginning wasn't terribly credible with two-time Oscar winner Anthony Quinn able to outrun and kick the sh... snot out of these younger tough guys with guns. What was he, sixty? Somehow those big barrels on the stairwell weren't an accident either. Oh, his running was more painful to watch than Harrison Ford in Clear and Present Danger, I tells ya. So the whole setup was a bit half baked to me and my viewing companions. It seemed to be an uneasy amalgam of The Day of the Jackal and The French Connection. Guess they thought the title The Marseille Contract was a little too similar. An interesting idea, though. The two leads knowing each other was a nice twist. And as the picture awkwardly attempts to suggest, there were some things worth stealing... I mean, paying homage to, from this picture. In fact, somehow the plot reminded me of The Departed, even though it's clearly less complex, and therefore not as good. And where this gives you only one thrilling car chase, Ronin gives you... six? Seven? I lost count after about seven. There was a car chase in the skating rink with Katarina Witt, right? Someone thought it was like The Bourne Identity, but that's extremely unfair to my man Jason Bourne. Oh yeah, not to mention the car chase used as foreplay, something even the most sterile, asexual reader of Maxim magazine can appreciate. It's the kind of thing you just don't see in movies these days.
Near as I can tell, the only big name worth remembering in the crew was Douglas Slocombe, who most film geeks will know off the top as the cameraman of the three GOOD Indiana Jones pics... Sorry, Stevie, but you know it's true. But I'm sorry. Judd Parrish? Robert Bernard? Never heard of 'em. See? Let's see if anyone cares I got the names wrong. And speaking of names, Steve Ventura? I'm sorry. That violates the #1 rule of movie names. In a movie like this, the main guy, the Alpha Dog is named Jack, and his best friend is named Frank. End of story. I learned that from The Day After Tomorrow, and you can too. Steven Seagal as well: four movies he's named Jack, three John, the more formal Jack. One movie he's named Frank, but it was an Albert Pyun movie. Clearly a charity case.
Guess that's about all that can be said about it. And to all my wealthy readers, I don't know how many times I have to keep telling you this. Never EVER supervise your own drug deals! Just don't do it. Are you really that bored with the good life? Oh, good help is just so hard to find these days.

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so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Deb Hagan

Yeah, it's time for another installment of our regular feature here at The Movie Hooligan, and it's called Auteur Watch, where we profile in detail those film directors of note, look at their illustrious past and make note of what's rumored to be in their future(s). According to the IMDb, basically; that's my only rumour pipeline for now.

Now, normally when I do this segment I either tend to pick the well known auteurs of our time, or I'll pick the ones that I like. I know I did one on the Coen brothers and Steven Spielberg. Why, I even did one about Rob Zombie; well, he's paid some dues at this point in his career, so why not, I say. Welp, gotta keep on the move, so who to select next? I was having some trouble deciding at first, that is until I started seeing ads for this awful-looking movie with no big name actors in it, and it's called "College." Simply "College". You know, people say that the ads always make the movies look good. Now I'd be the first to admit that I'm just a jaded sophisticate, but not only do the ads for College NOT make it look good, it makes me wonder how things like this get put in theaters in the first place, whilst a classic like Bachelor Party 2 starring the Doofer is consigned to the shame of a direct-to-DVD release. Yeah, I know it's no longer a bad thing, but it's still a stigma in my eyes. And we are talking about the Doofer, after all. He wanted to put this in theaters, but he's doing it for the kids. And showing a lot of class by doing that, I might add.

Yeah, I must be out of touch. I was hoping to find more resumés like Andree Moss and Carolyn Moss, but Drake Bell and Andrew Caldwell have fine careers already under their belt, but now it's time for them to shine. In College. And besides, like we learned in Econ class, they're spending a lot of money on advertising, so it MUST be a quality product. It's not just a 90-minute trailer, this will be embraced by public and critic alike. With much repeat business as the cherry on top. So the next question (for me) is: who was given the honor of directing the greatest movie ever made in history? Spike Lee? Wes Anderson? Coppola? Surely there was some sort of bidding war over it, names withdrawn then put back into contention... Well, we may never know the true story of how it went down in that smoke-filled room. At least, not until it comes out on DVD and PSP and Blu-Ray: the ultimate edition, unrated of course. Hard to say where they'll talk about that more, in the commentary or in the making-of documentary on Disc 2. I'm betting the commentary. Anyway, all we really know for now is that someone named Deb Hagan got the job, and did an excellent job, by the way. So what sorts of film credentials and life experience does it take to put something like College together? Well, all we know at this point is it's all based on Deb Hagan's previous and first film, a short film called Pee Shy. Well, we don't know much from the official Pee Shy movie web site, but take note, Jerry Bruckheimer. Even you have to admit the title is appropriate: what you see is what you get. So Deb's got that part of the biz down pretty good. And even though College is just about some high schoolers visiting a college for a couple days, you can't deny that the title gives you an idea of where the film takes place. Why, look! Pee Shy even has the same font as College! That classic College font! And the yellow streaks on the letters are a nice touch, even though I can't figure out what it's supposed to represent. And yet, why do I have the feeling her next project is going to be a scathing satire about the evil inner workings of Hollywood?

Oh but that's just sour grapes on my part, don'tcha think? A toast to you, Deb Hagan. Looks like this is the beginning of a long, beautiful directing career, kid.

College official web site
Pee Shy official web site

p.s. In a recent documentary about Animal House, College was included in a long list of Animal House clones. Between that and the ad campaign, you can't BUY that kind of publicity... can you?

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That kinda sh ... stuff. Gotta keep up on the cutting edge of Spam. And this hour it's phony order confirmations! I actually fell for it. And by 'fell for it' I mean opened the email. Fortunately, it wasn't one of those emails that erases your hard drive just by opening the damn thing. God, I hate those. I mean, I know we have to support the hacker arts and all, but man! When does it all go too far? Is nothing sacred? Anyway, the biz at hand. Welp, as we can see the box office is settling into a nice, easily digestible chunk of pretty much the same movies slowly working their way down the box office esophagus vis-à-vis the peristalsis of attrition. Something like that; my head's been in the class clouds lately, for those of you who know me and or live with me. But the phenom is there; seems like only yesterday I was writing about Mamma Mia and Journey to the Center of the Earth and Hancock and Wall-E. Lately they've been closer to me than my closest relatives. Swing Vote? Is that still there? Ick. You're tracking failure all over my new carpet.

But the really big story this week, and even though I haven't been watching the ReelzChannel as slavishly as I once did I KNOW it was the top story on there... where was I? Oh yeah. It was: Batman or the Stoner movie: which will win? Well, as we can plainly see, they BOTH win! Why fight about it? Why quibble? They're both winners, it's just that Batman's more of a winner. In several ways. For one, TDK, in addition to crossing the 400 million dollar mark, is already entering that sacred territory that only our most cherished films enter into, like Forrest Gump, or Titanic. And that is, the Realm of Complaints. Oh, the woman in Titanic was a liar! Oh, F. Gum is a Republican paean / screed. You know what I mean; Drillbit Taylor is so derivative. Those kinds of things. You tend to hear them all the time. With TDK it's that some quarters think Batman is like Dubya, getting the bad guys by temporarily suspending habeas corpus, but putting it right back again. Only I think Dubya fires the people who question him. They don't just threaten to tender their final resignation. No, that's not enough. The other one is that Batman's voice is too deep. Oh, but these are merely the belated growing pains of satisfied customers. I think Michael Keaton's Batman voice was much deeper. Or maybe Clooney's, I don't know. The point is, it's his thing, and who are you to question the Bat anyway.

Oh dear, it's slipped to #3 in The IMDb Top 250. That's what you get for challenging the hegemony of The Shawshank Proxy. You too, Godfather 1. Happy now? Toking in at a close second, it's Pineapple Express. Couldn't they wait to release it on 4/20? Or get it done and edited faster so it wouldn't be almost 4 months late? Man, I'm so baked. Yeah, that visage of a baked Seth Rogaine is going up there in the Movie Hall of Infamy right next to Cheech 'n Chong and the smiley face of Dazed and Confused fame. It's the greatest movie ever. NORML will have the last laugh one of these days when weed is finally decriminalized. But remember, kids! Joints cause lung cancer too!

So what's left? Nothin' but a bunch of sequels. We got Mummy 3, and STP2, and I'm sorry. The poster for the first one was much sexier. I know that makes me a perv, but it's the truth. And without Kwapis returning to the director's chair for the deuce, it's just not the same. I know his music videos weren't as good, but I don't care. I'm a mule on this one: resolute and unyielding. And Step Brothers, I know. You're saying to yourself, but, Movie Hooligan! You said we got just sequels left! Step Brothers is not a sequel! Well, in my book, it completes the Adam McKay-Will Ferrell trilogy.

Okay, not the Adam McKay-Will Ferrell-John C. Reilly trilogy, but that's coming soon enough. Tie a knot in it. And I think that's about all the damage I can do for now. Over and out. And as always, remember: abstinence is abortion. Parents: have your teenagers spayed AND neutered, just to be safe.

Do I smell? ... potatoes and eggs? God, these hyperlinks are a pain in the a

Auteur Watch - Todd Solondz

Oh look at me! Not entering in the text like I used to. Pre-digesting blog entries, so sad. No good excuse for it.

Anyway, I've been neglecting this feature of mine for a while now, the Auteur Watch, but I'm all ripped and rarin' to go. Now, I was going to tear K. Smith a new one for Zack and Miri make a you-know-what, but to me that's old news. It'll bomb soon enough as it is, and so, like Weird Al moving on from the same old Michael Jackson parodies, it is time to wander into the Auteur forest for a virtual 40 years, because lemme tell ya, it's a big forest, folks. Trust me. Lotta hungry people out there waiting to direct their next film. Take Todd Solondz, for example. Now, in looking back on his career, I think we can all agree that his favourite decade would have to be the go-go 90s, quite a time for films like his. He was at the apex of critical and audience buzz with Welcome to the Dollhouse, and these were in the days when Sundance was the only indie film festival, so you HAD to be good. Yes, no longer a player in bit parts such as the Zany Reporter in Married to the Mob, he was now in the big ol' director's chair on the giant lift that goes up and down WHEN HE SAYS SO. With all this cinematic political capital saved up, his next flick was Happiness (1998), and he took the opposite approach to Baseketball with this one, saying HIMSELF in an interview that well, you can just choose not to see it if you want, instead of saying that if you don't get the joke, you're just a humorless right-wing Christian. I applaud him with one hand clapping for that. But he weathered the storm, and big-time indie producer James Schamus and his company called Good Machine stood by Mr. Solondz until his next feature in 2001, Storytelling. Shorter, wiser, but no less controversial, I guess. Nuff said.

And in keeping with his new-found 3 year gestation period he managed to crank out his 2004 masterpiece, Palindromes. Some of the critics loved it, others not, while more importantly, others like those wise-asses over at the Onion were noticing the trend and slapping on dirty labels like ... oh, I don't know, things like "Oh, here we go again with another Todd Solondz picture, full of his unique brand of awkwardness and awfulness." Those kinds of things that you don't want people to think about. And yet, everyone goes gaga for I'm Not There. What an unfair universe we live in. And so, he missed his next 3 year mark with no film in 2007, and nothing scheduled in the near future! You're not Martin Brest here, fella! Or Terrence Malick. Gotta keep busy now.

And from there it just gets worse. Apparently he used his own money to finance Palindromes, and it's always a bad sign when it says on the internet that your "life savings" was used to do it. Well, we can't all be Jennifer Fox over here. So what does the future hold for provocateur extraordinaire Todd Solondz? Well, he did get a mention in an Onion article about the top 20 director provocateurs, so maybe someone will jump to his financial aid, and he can do a follow-up to Storytelling. I suggest calling it something like "Redemption" or "Back from the Brink". Meantime, guess you'd better have a pint with some of the others trapped in Auteur Purgatory, like Bill Forsyth and Pat O'Connor and Martin Brest and Whit Stillman ... oh, wait, not Whit Stillman. He just jumped on that Christopher Buclkey Gravy Train. Good for you, Yuppie Trilogy Sellout!

Swing Vote, Sweet Chariot...

Welp, I was planning on finding a nice still of... which one? Something from a Rob Cohen flick in honor of his just barely making #1 helming something that isn't his own franchise to be, but I figured, what the hell. Time to put my new fangled statistical knowledge to use. Please note the handy bar charts to the right. As you can see, figure 1 is this week's totals of our ever loving Top 10, and figure 2 is how much they made.
Notice how neck and neck Batman Begins 2 and The Mummy 3 are at #1 and #2 respectively, well into the 40 million dollar range. But then, there's this huge drop off! And we drop down to Step Brothers at #3 with a paltry 16.3 million in the bank this week. But it's all good, because they can still run the "#1 comedy in America" ads on TV. A bit disingenuous for my taste; to me, The Mummy 3 is the #1 comedy this week, but you gotta give it to Will Ferrell. At least Step Brothers isn't biting the big one like Semi-Pro did.
As for the rest of Figure 1, well, it gently slopes downward as we see how the rest of the films in the Top 10 scraped up all the box office crumbs. All those families who already saw Wall-E going to Space Chimps. No, the only really impressive showing is Journey to the Center of the Earth which, by God, is clinging to the center of the Top 10 with all its fingernails and toenails. Eric Brevig, your directing career ain't over, buddy! And I have a feeling Brendan Fraser's going to get top dollar for his next feature, whatever it may be. Maybe a Roger Ramjet movie. We're way overdue for that one.
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Checking out Figure 2 all too briefly, we see that of course The Dark Knight kicks ass in both categories. You know, the Wall Street Journal reports that TimeWarner is expecting to make 800 million dollars off the latest escapades of the Caped Crusader. Well, you're halfway there, guys! And for those of you who're rabid fans of Iron Man, I'm sure Variety will give you the full scoop because it's probably still in the Top 50.
...oh, according to IMDb it's in the 300 range with Indiana Jones, so never mind. Our fledglings at #7 and #8 are just barely leaving the nest just over the 200 million dollar hump. But any way you slice it or dice it, Swing Vote is performing poorly. In fact, you might use the word ... PATHETIC!!!!! But in all seriousness let me just say this about Swing Vote. Frasier is so good in it, I thought he was Fred Thompson for a second there. I'd go see Swing Vote, but Dane Cook doesn't have a role in it. I mean, what gives, Costner? He was in Mr. Brooks with you, right? It's not like Dane was busy or anything! You could of given him the part of the Democratic challenger! Wouldn't have that been fitting somehow, dontcha think?

Short Reviews - July 2008

Okay, Wilonsky! It's go time, you bald bastard.

While we're waiting for the release of Final Fantasy LXXIV on Playstation 3, I'm going through my old papers, you know, and I had this written down on a piece of paper from, geez, about 17 years ago? I'm not going to go so far as to carbon date it, but I think even the average movie goer can figure out what this is a list of.

Fruit cart!
Scare, relaxes, then attack
Dumb Parents
Killer's gotta talk first
Hidden Product Placement
Hero falls before winning
Check the Back Seat!
Disrupted continuity

And the list goes on... Time for short reviews.


Burn After Reading - Only 41 days to go...

Bell Jar, The (2008) - the REAL Devil Wears prada.

The Beast (of War) - Erick Avari's one serious dramatic role. Take heed, Badreya!

Lost Boys: The Tribe - All right! Frog and Emerson are back, baby!

From Ten to Midnight - Sounds like it makes The Evil that Men Do look like a classic.

Atlas Shrugged - Somehow I think Alisa Rosenbaum... I mean, Ayn Rand fans will be disappointed with this subjective, noumenal version.

Christmas with the Kranks - I can't bear to watch the whole thing, but this much I know: when Tim Allen is the lonely, alienated guy looking in the house window at the party going on, something's wrong. Something's definitely very wrong. With all of us.

Fearless Frank - Well, we all gotta start somewhere.

Mamma Mia! the movie - Well, I guess it's better than another one of those post-Animal House so-called National Lampoon films with Paris Hilton, but not by much.

Space Chimps - Well, if you have a movie about chimps these days, they gotta fling some poo. They just gotta. The ever-decreasing national pool of word-association memes dictates it. Even if they only open the freeze-dried pack of chocolate pudding and very tastefully fling poo by proxy, there's still gotta be some flung poo. Even the kids are expecting that.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona - Something like that. Hey, Woody's a busy guy! He doesn't have time to remember all these stupid titles. Incidentally, Woody, you said you'd do a Seattle movie someday. You said! It's in print! You said you would! Work 'Starbucks' into the title, will ya?

Meet Dave - It's been prejudged as hell for me, even more so than Vampire in Brooklyn, but I dunno. It still looks kinda funny, call me crazy. ...Too late, it's already out on DVD. Is Charlie Murphy back out of the biz yet?

Mystery Date - Licence to Drive II

And speaking of the ever fetching Teri Polo...
Passed Away - Every Catholic family's dream. Or nightmare, either way.

Labor Pains - It's post-Disney Lindsay Lohan, so I know I don't want to see it. Unless, of course, Tina Fey's in it. I hear the movie's based on something Lindsay actually tried once! Kewl!

G.I. Joe - Hey Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand... hey, wait a minute! Where's Joe?

Terra - Wait til they get a load of Wall-E!...

Swing Vote - Kevin Costner's Man of the Year.

My Best Friend's Girl - Sounds good, but I'm waiting for the sequel My Best Friend's Girl 2: Here She Comes Again. Sorry, Tank!

Bangkok Dangerous - Oh, Stanley Goodspeed. When did you get to be so bad? Was it the money?

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