Short Reviews - Sep. '08

In some tragic news this week: Amelie and Lola ran into each other on a street in Madrid, Spain and they both instantly exploded. Makeup and feminine wiles were scattered everywhere. However, on the plus side, Tyler Perry, David E. Kelley and Stephen J. Cannell have entered a veritable Screenwriter Thunderdome. Three titans of all screens big and small enter, one prolific jackass leave! I think they'll get greeted by David Mamet of all people. I'm still waiting for his take on Jekyll and Hyde with Judd Law! Time for short reviews.

Oh, oh! Before we get to that, it's time for another Maxim Magazine review. This time, of the 1997 HBO movie, Don King: Only in America with Ving Rhames as Don King.

"This otherwise unremarkable movie contains the single greatest line of dialogue ever uttered on the stage or the silver screen in the history of the world. Scene: Don King (Rhames) is in a bathroom, about to negotiate a deal. He finishes taking a leak and goes to shake the guy's hand. The guy, taken aback, says 'Whoa, whoa! You didn't wash your hands!' The King replies, 'I wash my hands BEFORE I touch my di¢k.' I wept openly for days. That single line makes Shakespeare look like a pussy. Even including Titus Andronicus. Bravo, Mr. King! Bravo."

Okay, on to the short reviews.


Zack and Miri Make a Porno - I know it's too early, but here goes anyway: Oscar committee, stop the search. You have your 2008 Best Picture nominee!

Burn After Reading - Only -11 days to g... oh, right...

A Serious Man - I figure it's about 330 days to go. And Roger's back! Oh, thank God the bitter feud is over.

Hari Puttar: a comedy of terrors - Go, Underdogs!

Eagle Eye - shia gets into another fiery car crash...

The Chronicles of Riddick - David Twohy's Lord of the Rings: Return of the King... only better?

Righteous Kill - Yeah, they list the eight classic movies that DeNiro and Pacino have done. Will this be the ninth? Shyeah, right! And monkeys might fly out of my butt. Although, it would make a good 9 DVD-pack. Or Blu-Ray. Get on it, Costco!

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist - But, Bleeker! Where's Juno? Divorced already? Say it isn't so!

Appaloosa - You know what? Ed Harris as John McCain! Of course, they'll have to make his face asymmetrical somehow. Good luck, Rick Baker!

An American Carol - Chris Farley's brother, you should be ashamed of yourself. But, seeing you on Spike Feresten's show recently, I guess you're not.

A Christmas Carol - More mo-cap madcap madness from Zemeckis? I'm so there! ... maybe. If I'm not busy that weekend.

Surfer, Dude - EDtv part 2: Toke, Caution

The Brothers Bloom - In Bruges, pt. 2?

The International - Run Clive Owen Run!!!!

The Soloist - Blatant Oscar Bait. But why? Hasn't Downey Jr. won already? ...oh, right.

The Secret Life of Bees - Tyler Perry's The Secret Life of Bees?

Death Note 2 - Movie or video game?

Proud American - I'm moving to Canada

Igor - Okay, it's not Pixar, but what a cast!

2012 - Stargate 2? I mean, thematically, of course. Another thinking man's blockbuster from the director of ID4 and The Patriot.

Battle in Seattle - Filmed in Vancouver

Andy Barker, P.I. - Lookwell, pt. 2?

Sex Drive - Seriously, is that Andy Garcia's kid?

Kung Fu Hustle 2 - I should've guessed!

Flash of Genius - Now they've gone from sports movies to car movies!...

How to Make a Movie - From the people who brought you Date Movie and Disaster Movie... oh, wait, I'm sorry, actually they're using this movie as a study guide. My mistake.

Ghost Town (1988) - Clearly not as fun...

The Last Mimzy - Too flimsy, not enough whimsy...

Shoot 'em Up - I only saw a few minutes of it, but it was enough to ask myself: a) is it violent enough? I mean, you see the heart and lungs of the bad guy, but can't we see them explode? And b) is it misogynistic enough? I mean, I like Clive Owen and all, but can he really do that with a straight face? I mean, ripping open a woman's shirt and saying "Give your baby something to drink." In the midst of a bloodbath, okay, but still. I guess the video game is better.

2112 - Nope. Still just an awesome album.

Yes Man - Yeah, Jim, it's 1994 all over again, and you're on top of the world. You've saved some money just in case, right?

Beverly Hills Chihuahua - Oh, B.H.C. You're incorrigible!

Viva Shaf Vegas - The dark side of Paul Shaffer. This seems to be the special he's always wanted to make; and now he's done it, and life goes on. So at the very least, interesting as a curio for anyone who's more than a casual fan of the Letterman show. Those Late Night outtakes, well, you'll either like 'em a lot or hate 'em a lot more. Also, keep an ear open for Dr. Hibbert as a limo driver.


I must be forgetting something... oh well.

Nights in Rodanthe, never reaching the end ...

Four new newbies! Is this a record? ...probably not. And frankly, such instability in the hit movie market doesn't give me consumer confidence, or even normal confidence. Oh, shudder. But as my statistical methods improve over time, I'll be able to say with greater confidence the average number of debut movies that debut to my beloved Top 10 in any given week. Anybody want the job?
Up first, Eagle Eye. No surprise there. Why, I'm sure even Box Office Guru saw that coming. Better watch it, Bruckheimer! First Spielberg steals Michael Bay from you, now people are copying Bay's style! What next? DreamWorks renegs on Verbinski's contract? A good friend of mine said it looked like Enemy of the State, but I didn't see the similarity.
At #2, the terrible wrath of Nicholas Sparks rears its ugly head once again. I mean, he's no Nick Hornby or Roddy Doyle; on the other hand, he's no Dan Brown yet. And I'm talkin' about Unfaithful 2: Nights in Rodanthe. Or is it Three? Don't these people ever get tired of making all these movies together?
At #3, Lakeview Terrace hangs in there with much tenacity. A lot of old hands in front of the camera on this one... Damn you, Eckhart! Were you so unavailable? In his place, it's relatively fresh-faced Patrick Wilson who shines. What, was Cole Hauser so unavailable?

At #4, Fireproof. I tell you what, if this is still in the Top 10 next week, we're doing Auteur Watch: Alex Kendrick! ...unless I forget.
And rounding out the top 5 is my beloved Burn After Reading. You know, actors love working with the Coens. Even Manolo, right? What, was Luis Avalos so busy?
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At 6 to 10 as usual, we come to the dregs. I got no new quips this week, so I'll just give either a brief Shout Out or Oh, Snap! to Mr. Spike Lee and his WWII epic, Miracle at St. Anna. I think I know what happened: you didn't give yourself a good enough part. ...wait a minute! You didn't give yourself a part at all! No grandfather of Mars Blackmon? No Mookie the First? You're not doubting your gift, are you, brother? Say it isn't so! Well, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you anyway come Oscar time next year. But Inside Man 2 is still on, right?

Ridley Scott's Godfather GoodFellas Blow

Academy Award nominee for art decoration and Ruby Dee. Sorry, dear, it was the foreigners' year to win. To start on an intensely personal note, I think I'm getting used to all those hypodermic needles when I go to the doctor. I never thought I would, and I still don't totally like it, or hate looking over and seeing the blood going into it, but that painful puncture of the skin gets easier and easier with each inoculation or blood draw. Except when they miss the damn artery and just jab random muscle. That's not so good. Or when they leave one tiny air bubble in the solution, just to give you a good scare, but I digress. The main thing here is about how we've become a culture of lists. David Letterman paved the way in the beginning of course, with his nightly Top Ten list, but the internet has exploded the need for lists quite ... exponentially? You knew that word was coming, right? Had to.

Not just top 10 lists, of course. Twenty-five is also a popular list number. Cosmopolitan magazine will invariably have the top 25 signs your guy's cheating on you, or the top 100 new positions to try tonight. Why, I remember in the old days when MTV had the Top 300 videos of all time! Really? Only 300? Or the top 1000 places to visit or foods to try before you die, just to add the spice of urgency to your otherwise sedentary, drab, uneventful schedules. Yes, lists ranging in numbers, category and degree of urgency all over the place, because there's a wealth of information out there on the web, but the real money is in collating all this information into easily digested, infotainment form!

Of late, movies have especially fallen victim to this craze of list-ification, for lack of a better (or the proper) word. And in viewing something recently like American Gangster, and being unable to put on the tin foil hat in time to block the giant media conglomerate's auxiliary signal, one can't help but think: where would a movie like American Gangster be in, say, a list of the great gangster pictures of all time? A list to be featured prominently, say, in a magazine such as Film Comment or Details Magazine? Well, of course Godfather would be #1, followed by Godfather 2 at #2. Out of respect, Godfather 3 would have to round out the Top 25, let's call it. That contentious area near the top of the list, of course, is subject to payola. Always has been. It usually depends on what's coming out soon: say, for example, Paramount Pictures is releasing a newly remastered Bugsy Malone on Blu-Ray and Hi-Def. And because it's Bugsy Malone, or something like Mobsters or even, God forbid, Deuces Wild (couldn't even remember the title!) the writer or editor of the list will have to write "What? It's a good movie! Or a childhood favorite, anyway." No, there's no shame or irony, or even science about these things anymore. They're called guilty pleasures now.

But back to the central question here: where does American Gangster belong on this list? Well, short answer, somewhere in the middle. Yes, that obscure middle between Godfather and Bugsy Malone where all good films go to die. But not right away for American Gangster, because it did open at #1, and went on to make more than 100 million dollars at the U.S. box office. Let's see GoodFellas do that today, huh? Was Denzel or Russell Crowe in GoodFellas? I think not. Case closed. These kinds of films are doing better lately, like The Departed, and of course let's not leave out the influence that was HBO's The Sopranos. The movie appetite was primed, the stage was set for an honest-to-God true to life story like American Gangster to come along and, like Donnie Brasco before it, the people in the movie just couldn't believe Brasco was the Blue Magic CEO of ... oh, wait, mixing my movies again.

More importantly, does it eke out a unique place for itself in the gangster genre? Sort of, but doing that is much harder these days. There are nods to Serpico and Blow, and countless others I'm not aware of, I'm sure. Calling it Black Godfather seems unfair somehow. And it's not really like GoodFellas because GoodFellas is more like a documentary in comparison. American Gangster seems to lean more on script conventions. After all, we do start with two seemingly separate plot threads that eventually intertwine: the story of Denzel's rags-to-riches fable of Bumpy Johnson's driver's rise to power, and Russell Crowe's Serpico-esque cop becoming head of a special drug task force. So really, this is Ridley Scott's Amos & Andrew, when you get right down to it!

Now normally I'm still in the throes of '70s fatigue, in the movies and TV shows anyhow. (Hey! Remember that afro you had back in the 70s? Every great TV character goes through this rite of passage now, either as an actual flashback or as a reluctant but well-costumed attendee at a theme party.) Ridley has kidnapped Gus Van Sant's cameraman to provide that washed out 70s look to the film, and you can see where the money went: to meticulous use of period vehicles. CGI or not, it's pretty neat. (Especially in HD!) There are of course the usual discos and bell-bottom fashion here, but we also do get a Vietnam war backdrop, and boldly go where no drug film has gone before: into Apocalypse Now territory! Not to give anything away, but finally, a reason to keep the Vietnam War going! As in The Good Shepherd, a period piece about the CIA's formation in the early 60s, there is a nod to our modern woes in a post 9-11 world, only not as blatant as The Good Shepherd. When Crowe's police work goes so far as to open coffins returning from vietnam, well ... Again, not as obvious as the rendition or waterboarding of The Good Shepherd. That's what I got from it, anyway. Sorry if I ruined the surprise.

The acting is top notch as usual. Kudos to RZA as one of Russell Crowe's Untouchables. However, as my good friend pointed out, Denzel's Frank Lucas seems to have been painted in a better light than the actual man probably was in real life. That's leaving aside the occasional fits of ultra-violence, of course, when he has to kill someone to make a point. And even though Crowe's cop is trying to better himself by becoming a lawyer, it seemed more than a little implausible that they would leave the prosecution of Frank Lucas up to him. But, I'm too tired to read up on that myself. Maybe he really did, I don't know! It just seemed implausible! ...oh yeah. I was expecting something different from Josh Brolin's performance, but I guess he hit the right note. See, this was all before his sudden rise in stardom, so I guess it was just a case of holding his own amongst the Oscar winners. The scene where he pulls over Frank Lucas after his wedding was a good scene. You'll just have to see that one for yourself. Also, there's the dude that plays Russell Crowe's childhood buddy who's now a gangster, and I swear he could be the next earthly reincarnation of Robert De Niro, if that job wasn't already taken.

As I said before, it feels less like a documentary like GoodFellas and more of a Hollywood script, but a good one. Steven Zaillian, who took a critical and audience beating over All the King's Men, is still one of the smartest screenwriters in Hollywood today. One of my favorite lines is given by Russell Crowe's character, that locking up Frank Lucas would be a blow to the law enforcement community, because it would put too many cops out of work! Oh, and Crowe's ex-wife's impassioned 'speech' to him in court: one man's virtue is another man's stubbornness, something to that effect. She did it better.

So where does it go in the list? Well, in the same column as Blow, but above, and the same row as Serpico. Something like that. That's for a more enterprising mind than mine to figure out. ;)

***1/2
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Bob Shaye

Don't worry, Bob. I'll go easier on you than The Village Voice did.
Seriously, though, you'd think a bigshot like the head of New Line Cinema Robert Shaye would take a bigger directorial risk than this. It's like he's Roger Corman, but with more money. Lord of the Rings-style money. His previous directorial effort was the not-too-outstanding coming of age period piece, 1990's Book of Love. I remember the TV spot for that one, 'cuz a dude's shirt gets ripped off by his truck engine. Man, that dude was ripped! But that's how the brain works sometimes, you know. You forget all the foreign language and computer science courses you ever took in your life, but that TV trailer for Book of Love is in there forever.
But, life goes on, and it's been 17 years, and this directorial cicada is feeling the magic. If I remember correctly, this time it's a film from one of the original producers of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, so naturally... another classic, right? ...no. I want to spare you my misery. I can't let you go through with it! Turn back now! Save yourselves!

Seriously, though, I'm really the wrong person to be reviewing this movie. It's really more of a kids movie. I could waste your time going over the holes in the plot, or the routine nature of the script (at about the two thirds mark we kept telling each other, "Just go with it.") At this point in my life though, I tend to focus on the scenery and locations. Ah, Seattle. I love Seattle movies. And having lived in Seattle apartments for the last ten years or so, I look at this middle class couple in their modest Queen Anne rambler and I say to myself, Damn! Am I looking in a mirror?

Oh but there I go again. I must of really hated this movie. I didn't even mention the plot yet! Now, I'm a Democrat, but seriously, this was left-wing claptrap. No wonder we can't get a majority in the House and Senate. Where's the school bully taunting the kid at the golf course? I mean, at the REI putting range? Now, to re-establish my Democrat left-wing bonafides, I did like An Inconvenient Truth, and I'm doing my part to get the CO2 ppm back below 350, but the film is an uneasy mix of politically correct meditation and plot holes. I was reminded of the parents in Little Buddha, who also lived in Seattle, but more importantly who also didn't believe their kids were so special that they were going to convert to Buddhism... close enough. Oh yeah, and there's a Jumanji-esque sci-fi toy package (the MacGuffin) that washed up on the Whidbey Island beachfront property right next door to mine! Damn, if I only did more beachcombing. The kids were cute, but honestly, not as cute as the kids in Click. I wasn't too impressed with the acting; on the other hand, the script didn't give the kids much to work with. But by God, they read their lines as convincingly as they could, and that's the sure hand of a stalwart director at work right there, that's what that is.

I know I'm forgetting something, but let me just mention one more thing, and I better put SPOILER ALERT for all those of you who are running off to rent this right now, but have decided to stick with me nonetheless. I did love the part where the kids take a van from the secret "Seattle Research Facility" where their family is being, uh, detained? The teacher (Rainn Wilson - awright! A local boy!) awakens from a fitful sleep and tells his wife that something in his dream is telling him to go to ... the Crab Shack on Highway 20? Something like that. But he doesn't know why. Now for a jaded sophisticate like me, I'm thinking, okay. In a script as taut as this one, how's the wife going to convince her hubby that they need to drive there right now? I did get a laugh out of the teacher saying he's going back to sleep. Again, we said aloud, "Just go with it." But that's the brilliant work of Alpha script dog and one-time director in his own right, one of them fancy three-name boys, Bruce Joel Rubin. I'll bet he was trying to usurp the director throne all through principal photography, right, Shaye? Email me the story later on.

Now, let's get down to ratings. As for the old, reliable star system that everyone hates, how to rate The Last Mimzy? Surely a letter grade would be more appropriate? Seeing as how school plays an integral part in the story? Maybe, but not from me. Here's how it works: three stars is for a passable studio film like The Client or Just Cause, entertaining enough the first time, but nothing particularly remarkable to warrant a second viewing. (On the other hand... oh, Scarlett. Were you ever that young?) Anything below three stars, and you're venturing into dark territory, where you don't know if you can make it all the way through one viewing. But like a couple other critics before me, I'm gonna go with two and a half stars. You know, not sorry I watched it, and it did look pretty great in HD, but please. Highway 20? No one in Seattle knows where the f.. where that is.

As for you, Bob Shaye, you look like you're getting on in years, so let's crank out another film before the next 17 year mark, huh? Maybe 2001 Maniacs part 3! Why not direct that?

**1/2
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Good double bill with: D.A.R.Y.L.

Samuel L. 22:15

I knew this would happen. I should of seen it coming. But then again, American audiences are being a little more receptive to the auteurs at the box office lately. The ship is slowly turning: with The Departed at #1 two years ago and making over 100 million dollars, Scorsese's finally a hit. Now the Coens, and of course Spike Lee's WWII pic hoping to clean up both at the Oscars and at the box office. In the meantime, the fourteenth incarnation of David Mamet, Neil LaBute, kicks la-butt at the box office yet again, just like he did with The Wicker Man two years ago... didn't he? Oh dear, I lapsed in my accounting. I think it was, though. But he's so successful now, he doesn't even need to do his own screenwriting anymore! What a relief. As for Samuel L., well, he already remade Tin Men, so this must be his remake of ... Unlawful Entry? There Goes The Neighborhood? What gives, SLJ?

Sliding to #2, or I guess I should say, simmering down to #2 it's Burn After Reading. Time to run the ads that say it's the #1 comedy in America. Of course, the way comedy in film's going these days, Lakeview Terrace might claim that one, too.

And just like last week, we got four newbies on the list! Kewl! LT at #1, of course. At #3, it's My Best Friend's Girl with everyone's favorite frat-boy white boy funny man, Dane Cook as Tank. Really? Tank? It's not a nickname anymore? Ethan Suplee five years ago. Maybe he'd be a Tank. You still got it, Deutch!

Another newbie at #4, it's Igor. Oh dear, these Pixar-esque fests just aren't surefire hits anymore. What does everyone else do so wrong, but Pixar do so right? I'm thinkin' the merchandising. Where's the Igor lunchboxes and plush toys, cheapskates?

At #5, Righteous Kill, yeah yeah yeah. #6, Tyler Perry, yeah yeah yeah. #7, The Women, yeah yeah yeah. But DEBUTING at #8, it's Ghost Town! The fourth newbie this week. What gives? I thought America was in love with Ricky Gervais! Guess it's back to HBO for you, buddy! You're so big (in the industry), they'll just build another show around you. Maybe you could play a wacky janitor somewhere, your version of Good Will Hunting, something like that. Work on it. Or maybe you could play a mob informant who says a little too much, doesn't know when to stop talking, many scenes of awkwardness, that kind of thing.

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And at 9 and 10, as we usually do, we've got the tragic end of a life well lived. The Dark Knight didn't quite make it to 600 million in the U.S., but there's always the overseas market. They're a little more solvent over there these days, anyway. At #10, The House Bunny. Put 'em both together, you got Donnie Darko! I gotta go...

The Confession vs. Half Baked: Which Kicks More Ass?

Nope, I won't be able to dig myself out of this hole, but it's almost 1 in the morning, and I think the best thing for all involved is to just get it over with. I think the title should be, rather, "The Double Bill from Hell". No offense to either the filmmakers or the programmers who put the double bill together. In a sense, they are kinda similar: one being an obscure actor's showcase, the other a cult comedy about weed. Both about protagonists on the verge of great career success, but who throw it all away in order to do the right thing. Ain't that the whole story of life right there?
Up first, The Confession, and I will say it looked pretty great in HD, no less! I don't know. It's not particularly remarkable, kind of a hybrid of The Verdict and A Civil Action, not to give too much away. Maybe a little Fracture thrown into the mix, but without Hannibal to make it a kitsch klassic. And no David Mamet screenplay where he gets to throw in (just one of) his trademark line(s), "Things change". It starts with two seemingly separate story threads, one of a lawyer on his way to the top, played by an extra-pouty Alec Baldwin... I was able to suspend my disbelief eventually, but I couldn't help but think of the gazillions of times he was on SNL. Schwety balls!!! The other (plot thread) is about a family about to be visited by an awful family tragedy. Hard to believe this was filmed in the Clinton administration! Anyway, the two seemingly disparate story threads eventually intertwine, taking up the rest of the damn movie, but not before alpha dog Jay O. Sanders struts his rich businessman stuff all over the place. Surely Maxim magazine took note of this guy! Or GQ or Details or any number of the other men's magazines out there. Thoreau's lost essay, my ass! That's another thing one of these movies usually has. In American Beauty it was the Nazi dinnerware, ... there's other examples, I'm sure. Oh yeah, Safe Men had the Stanley cup. Priceless. Anyway, things unfold in a typical way eventually, but they throw enough dust into your eyes to keep it interesting. Incidentally, how does a rising star defense attorney get to be D.A.? Would they let Johnny Cochran be D.A. in Los Angeles? I think not. And how many judges do you know who are dating a defense attorney? Just Janice Rogers Brown, huh? I thought so. And how unlikely is it that said defense attorney would get involved with his client's wife? Well, I guess I gave just about all of it away. The actors are in fine form, of course. Ben Kingsley does his usual solid work, although I just couldn't get into his quest against the modern justice system, or his proselytizing on the subject of God. Time to refresh yourself on the story of Job. Six Feet Under's Richard Jenkins is also on hand, although I hear it's not his best work since The Visitor, or The Witches of Eastwick, for that matter. I don't know who the prosecuting attorney was, but if he worked on it I think he's got a great Tom Brokaw impression in his future!...
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To cleanse a jaded melodrama palate, Half Baked was next on the docket. Don't ask me why. Okay, it was on sale at the pawn shop. And the picture quality was great! Watching it in HD, though, you can tell it was made the old fashioned way, on good ol' 35mm celluloid. Just like Problem Child. Brought to you by the same producer-director team behind Billy Madison, and made one year before The Confession (ANOTHER similarity!), it also follows many standard comedy formulas even though it's about weed. It's purportedly a cult classic. I think someone might have recommended it to me, can't remember. I do know it's got the same John Landis font that Animal House had, also a Universal picture. Apparently Chappelle was disappointed with the end result, calling it a "stoner comedy for kids." Guess Up In Smoke was already made or something. No one goes home happy.
So, not to give too much away, the plot is as follows. Dave Chappelle and his three friends like to smoke weed. Life is good until one day, one of his friends gets thrown in jail. That part is too good to reveal. They need to raise $100,000 bail, even though they set it at a million. But how are they going to raise a hundred thousand dollars? They got it: sell weed. But how? Then, the answer presents itself: the pharmaceutical company has their own source of weed to be tested on behalf of the FDA. Uh huh. Chappelle... I mean, Thurgood Jenkins, fortunately gets involved and the final piece of the puzzle is in place. The Doofer's still locked up, gives the trio on the outside his blessing (another good scene) and the grand scheme of schemes is bourne. Meanwhile, Chappelle... Thurgood meets the love of his life, a gal named Mary Jane who was visiting her father in prison. She's virulently anti-weed, isn't sorry her dad's locked up for selling weed, and scrumptious as hell. Oh, was I ever that young? And of course, the big drug dealer in the area gets wind of all this and puts the screws to Thurgood's operation. I swear, that dude could be D.L. Hughley's father.

Cameos and homages abound. If I remember correctly, there's even one for the shower scene in American History X, or is it just prison movies in general? Love that one blatant shower shot. Oh yeah. Breuer gets fired from his job at the record store, and with briefcase in hand, does the homage to Jerry Maguire. Guillermo Diaz at one point, does the homage to Dead Presidents... am I the only one who remembers? Jon Stewart has a bit as a weed buyer who's constantly amazed at how weed makes normal things interesting. I'm thinking, too late for an Oscar nomination? Why, even Snoop has a cameo and works over a roach like a 7th degree Black Belt... in weed smoking. Okay, YOU phrase that better!...

Well, I don't know what else can be said. An amicable way to spend 82 minutes all around. And a fine springboard for Dave Chappelle's talent: at one point there are two of him in the same shot: Thurgood and Sir Smoke-a-lot. And even though it's not a romantic comedy, for the life of me I can't think of a more romantic line than the film's last... about how, um... ladies trump weed, for lack of better terminology. And was that Jada Pinkett Smith as the talking joint? Let me check... nope, guess not.

*** for both
-so sayeth the Movie (Review) Hooligan.

The "I can die a happy man" Box Office

I don't know why that should be, but anyone who's read this blog will know why I'm happy this weekend. Last weekend. This last weekend. But before we get to that, we still gotta do #3 and #4. Number 4, chick flick, nothing new. Maybe I'm being too judgmental, and I probably am, but it's my theory and I'm sticking to it. It's part of this whole new generation of light, fluffy adaptations... The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, The Object of My Affection, Someone Like You... might as well throw Running With Scissors into the mix, what the hell. At #3 it's Righteous Kill. If this does well, we might have Grumpy Old Men: The Next Generation on our hands. And all of that that followed...
And of course at #2, it's Tyler Perry's latest. As most in Hollywood know, it doesn't really matter what the title is. Just that it's got Tyler's name on it, and six months from now there'll be another one. Tyler's a busy man! But I figure by the time he catches up to, and surpasses Bill Cosby in terms of riches, he'll get tired of working so damn hard and he'll rest on his laurels, living off the dividends of that Costco 20-DVD box set til the end of his days. You're right, it's just the jealousy talking.
-*-*-*-
Finally! This is what it's all about right here. Am I the only one who knows it? With the No Country lawsuit behind them, James Schamus gives the Coens a big boost with viral web-vertising, wall-to-wall TV ads, and I'm assuming some trailer spots. They're back into Lebowski territory with their latest, Burn After Reading, baby! I swore I was going to post the review first, but what the hell. That's always the hard part for me. Especially a movie I like. I will admit I thought to myself, this can't be a hit. Several reasons which I won't go into here, but the star power has trumped all that for now. We've got some big contenders on the horizon, but you did it, boys! Ladykillers came close, Hudsucker not, I. Cru almost, but that's all behind you now. With a #1 under both your belts, J 'n E, maybe some good things will finally start happening in your careers!

Auteur Watch - Fred Jonathan R. Beutel

We'll get back to the other half of the greatest box office story in history, but first... You like scary stories, kids? Well, there's nothing scarier than a film director! They have to be a jack of all trades, a storyteller, a shaman, a technophile, a technophobe, a drill sargent, a mother, a father, and a shoulder to cry on firing a starter's pistol at your crew to make them walk a little faster, all in one little carbon-based human frame, ranging in weight from anywhere to Ida Lupino at 80 lbs., or ... Dom DeLuise directed once, right? Anyway, you get the idea. Now of course, everyone knows your Spielbergs and your Fred Ashmans, even the most isolationist farmers in Montana know all about them. And when your kids want to grow up and be a filmmaker, they sit there with their DV8 cameras uploading your most private memories to YouTube with dreams of Antoine Fuqua and Fred Ashman running through their heads. Ooh, someday I'm going to work for Jerry Bruckheimer! That's the American dream.
But, and this is a big but, American dreams often don't come true, except if you've got a defunkt bank these days. Then you're getting all kinds of government cheese, you rat!
As I was saying, American dreams often don't come true, and not all kids grow up to be Spielbergs or Friedkins or Zemecki or Fred Ashmans, no. Some grow up and start as screenwriters, hoping to get into directing. And inevitably, when a screenwriter's first starting out, they're hungry, and they write the best thing they'll ever write in their entire lives. And it gets made. Maybe even remade a whole generation later, 'cuz the CGI back then was kinda crappy. Which was part of its charm, because even good CGI today looks a little crappy and doesn't even have sufficient kitsch value by most standards, but I digress again. So your first project gets made, and it's a big hit, and you've finally got that brass ring, so you become a bit of a tyrant and you say, it is time. I've paid my dues and I'm ready to move into that big director's chair on the Chapman crane. Unfortunately, it's a hasty followup like My Science Project... Okay, so you wrote it while in High School so it needs a little tweaking, and you were really hoping to get Victor Mature to play the disgruntled teacher, but still, you've got the green light, the pressure's on, and you just gotta make do with what you got.
And so, it doesn't do as well as the studio hoped, but you still want to direct so you decide to do some TV. But you don't have the chops or the cojones of someone like Rod Daniel or Tony Bill or Joel Zwick, so you don't stay in TV forever and you do only two shows, CBS Playhouse and an animated show for kids based on the cute, cuddly antics of Freddy Krueger. But an opportunity comes up to cash in on the Jurassic Park craze, and like some desperate fool you jump at it.

Some like JONATHAN R. "Chet" BEUTEL!
I'm just saying it might work out that way, that's all. We all gots the Hoop Dreams, Coach!

Hello, Madea? You just got SERVED! heh heh...

Now now, bitter grapes. I mean, this is only the best box office weekend in history! And I'm just letting it all slip away, so time to get on the case. But I'm going to savor it this time. Break it into two installments. Now, normally when I do that I'll split the top 10 into 1-5 and 6-10, but since 1 thru 4 is all newbies, why not just do 5 to 10 for starters. At #5 it's Tropic Thunder, and if I were Judd Apatow I'd be furiously taking notes. "Note to self: TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT!" No please, we want to see another Superbad clone or Seth Rogen naked again. The market's insatiable!
See, they worked together on Cable Guy and, ... ah, fu... skip it. At #6 we got... whadda we got? Oh yeah, The House Bunny. Now, normally with a film like this we'd be saying, oh, it's closing in on the 100 million dollar mark. This time, 50 million will just have to do. I guess people just don't want to contemplate their own mortality, in this case it has to do with a Playboy bunny getting kicked out of Hef's little Garden of Eden there in Beverly Hills, or wherever the Playboy mansion is. Say it isn't so, Hef!
Next, The Dark Knight at #7. Looks like it's not going to post Titanic numbers (600 million). Maybe if they make the next one even darker, if I can use that phrase in mixed company. Get Hershey's to sell dark chocolate bars in the shape of the new Batman shape as a tie-in.
At #8, Bangkok Dangerous. Or as they call it in the South, Baghdad Dangerous. Seriously, Nic, what were you thinking? Are you making up for not getting cast as Lee Harvey Oswald in JFK?
Traitor slips to #9 after holding at #5 for two weeks in a row. I don't know what to say except that it's another crushing defeat for the Soderbergh Rat Pack... I know! I'll get on it, I'll get on it, quit asking me what it means.
At #10, the reboot of Death Race. Would it have killed the budget to get the original Frankenstein? ... they DID? I'm getting a wire from the AP. It's as of yet unconfirmed. Oh, they probably Gump'd in some footage of him from the original. Give 'em hell, Kwai Chang!

PATHETIC!!!!!

There's just no other single word for it. I'm just so disgusted. I even heard about it second hand. I guess that a movie with Nicolas Cage opens at 20 million, when in actuality it's 7.78! What, are we counting pennies now? On the bright side, it's the only newbie this week. Sorry, College, you're still expelled.
So we got, what? We got a tight group here. No more Step Brothers in the mix, but Judd Apatow's not totally un-represented with Mango Chutney Express rounding out the top 10 at #10. On the plus side, I think it turned a profit. AND! Rumor has it that Apatow's going to be a part of the up-and-coming Ghostbusters 3. Somehow I always knew all that ectoplasmic residue had sexual undertones to it. Thank God Apatow's finally going to reveal the truth to us.
So I guess we're going backwards, is it? At #9 it's the Sarah Palin story, Mamma Mia! Yes, apparently they're already turning her into a female Dick Cheney and keeping her from the press. Good luck, Elaine!
At #8, Disaster Movie. Living up to its name in terms of box office. I think I said that already, snarkmeister that I am, but at least this time the film's turned a profit. I'm just a-feared they're going to run out of genres! And besides, aren't we a little overdue for Date Movie 2? Or Not Another Teen Movie 2? Oh wait, different filmmakers.
#7? Death Race. Well, no one's recommended it yet, but the way this box office is going, I guess Jason Statham's the new Bruce Willis. Work up a Joisey accent, Jace.
At #6, it's Blade Runner. No, wait, it's Akira. What other movie is famous for its (shots of) tall buildings? Babylon A.D. maybe? Ah! That's it! I'm still waiting for Hannibal, Mark Antony! ...the elephant Hannibal, not the face-eater guy.
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Rounding out the top 5, it's still Traitor. I think it was that last week, too! Well, consistency's not a bad thing at all. Come to think of it, #4 and #3 are also the same from last week! Howzabout that? Man, Babylon A.D. must really be stinking up the place to get unceremoniously shoved past the threesome like that. I'm just saying. I mean, the explosion in front of the chick's face, Matrix-style and all, I mean it's cool, but not sick. Sometimes I wonder what our youth think about all this. See, they don't realize what a golden era of special effects they live in. Well, maybe they do. Kids are awfully hip these days. Are they as stricken with cinema ennui as I am when it comes to these mega-blockbusters?

So that leaves us with Ben Stiller at #2, slipping from three weeks in a row at #1. Well, these things don't last forever, you know. Except Home Alone 1. Twelve weeks at #1! I think that's still a record. Bought John Hughes that nose job, it did! As for #1, well, what can you say? Ol' Nicolas Coppola's still got it. Alas, it seems he won't have time to rest on his laurels. If you take a look at his IMDb entry, as I just did, you see he's got TEN films in the works! Someone should write a book about how a thing like that happens nowadays. I mean, even Michael Curtiz never made that many movies! ...did he?
And so, on that open-ended note, I must blog out. Or, sign out from the blog. Si-og? Man, that's sick. Well, wish me luck, for I have to move a sleeping cat from my bed. I was kinda missing the fleas there for a while. 'night, Mother.

Auteur Watch - Fred Durst Wolf

This is getting ridiculous! Are all of Ben Stiller's dreams finally coming true? Well, they are, unless it's that every year of his life will be like 2004. Now that might be too much for three celebrities to handle. In any event, even though Ben's been on top for three weeks in a row, I'm keeping my promise to my faithful reader and make this one about Fred Wolf, the hot director of The House Bunny. Your stock is rising, Freddy! Now you'll get the good couch at Happy Madison productions!
But we'll get back to him later. Again I dis Stiller because I just happen to have this image of Riddick, who comes in this week at #2 with Babylon A.D., whatever that is. I guess it's time to do Auteur Watch: Vin Diesel... I mean, Auteur Watch: Mathieu Kassovitz. You know him - he's that dude that gets Amelie all hot and bothered. No, not the special guy who takes his time doling out potatoes. I mean, he's great and all, but he's the nice guy that finishes last. Nope, only the best for Amelie. And by the way, when's the sequel to that coming out?
At #3 it's Batman Begins 2: The Dark Knight. Never hurts to say it longform. Some wonder if it's going to beat Titanic, which is #1 at 600 million (1998 dollars). Somehow, I don't think the Dark Knight appeals to the chicks as much. I mean, sure, who wouldn't want to be rescued by Batman if you're thrown out of a window, but this is not a long-term relationship. Look what happened to the couple in Speed! Have we learned nothing, people?
And rounding out the top 5 is Traitor. Wild and crazy screenwriter, indeed! Blatant oscar bait.
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At 6 to 10, well, I'm afraid I may have to cop out yet again, except to point out that, try as they might, spending double the budget on TV ads, College slips to #11. Wait! In a rare reversal, because Lucas made the phone call, Clone Wars beats Woody Allen's latest, dropping Woody to #11, and College to 12 and beyond. Oh, I've never seen anything like it... Wait, that's right. I have. Strange Wilderness and Clerks II. Both spent like crazy on TV spots, but didn't even crack the Top 10. Not viral enough.
Speaking of which! Let's now bounce back to #4, The House Bunny. Now, James Bernardinelli didn't seem to know who Fred Wolf is, but I'll be more than happy to fill in those blanks. And trust me, Mr. Wolf has credentials to spare, and then some! Believe me. Welp, it all started with an obscure comedy troupe called SNL for short, I forget what that stands for. Mr. Wolf was employed as a writer, but he did venture out into the wild wilderness of Weekend Update one night to do a special commentary. You may be able to find it on YouTube. ...no, I said Fred Wolf, not Amy Poehler! Maybe you'll have better luck than I. Anyway, so Fred does his thing on Update, and this is probably an apocryphal story, but it's still the stuff of showbiz legend. As Fred's walking off the stage, Lorne Michaels himself pulls Fred aside and says "Don't ever... don't ever do that again, Fred." But Lorne must not have been totally disappointed with Fred the screenwriter, as he helmed the political satire Black Sheep with Chris Farley and David Spade. Other scripts soon followed: Dirty Work, Joe Dirt, and other titles without the word Dirt in them, oddly enough. And so, it was toil and trouble in the sulphur mines of Happy Madison Enterprises long enough, until ol' Fred, like Rob Schneider, said to himself, "Hey! I can direct one of these crappy things my own damn self!" But Fred lucked out and landed himself two directing jobs simultaneously... That must be the case. I mean, how often does one director get two films the same year? Okay, besides Soderbergh in 2000. Well, we'll just have to wait til next February to see if Fred gets an Oscar nomination. I'm guessing The House Bunny for Best Makeup.

Short Reviews - Aug. '08

Well, it has been announced that, what was once the Siskel & Ebert show is no more. Robert Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times has officially left. Like most people say, I agree that, in his reviews, he kinda gets to the heart of the movie. Except when I disagree with him (O Brother ring a bell?). But they still have the show on something called ReelzChannel with these two other guys, and I finally had the following epiphany: I wonder if they ever get any complaints like "Dear Mr. Film Critic, I took your advice and instead of taking my kids to see the Hannah Montana movie, we drove the 80 miles to the big city where they were showing the film you recommended with the Oscar-winning performance of a lifetime about the Iraq war vet who comes back and becomes a drug mule for a group of albino Danish expatriates who are planning to blow up the Golden Gate bridge, and I gotta say that I should of just gone to the Hannah Montana movie instead. My kids still won't stop crying. And we got a parking ticket. Thanks a lot for nothing." Time for Short Reviews.


Burn After Reading - Only 11 more days to go.......

Ghost Town - Oh, David Koepp... Did you need the money?

Insanitarium - Oh, Peter Stormare... Did you need the money?

Disaster Movie - I wonder if Carmen Electra ever gets tired of doing these sorts of things.

Still Waiting... - I'm sorry, but to me it's just not authentic without Van Wilder. Call me crazy, call me a purist.

I shouldn't be alive HD - Steve Ball, etc. - That's gotta be the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. And I've seen Batman & Robin!

X-Files episode #Milagro - Geez, why didn't they just call it "The Turning"? John Hawkes was good as the heart-stealing creepy novelist; guess Vince Gallo was unavailable.

Sixty Six - Finally! Paul Weiland, director of such classics as Leonard Part 6 and City Slickers 2 directs the film he was meant to make: his autobiography! ...Right? Ah, who cares if I'm right or not.

The Incredible (Edible) Hulk - Thank God his pants stayed on!

Babylon A.D. - Vin Diesel's back! Oh, it's 2001 all over again, and Vin is a man on the go with a fast car and a bad attitude.

Death Race - 2000? Guantanamo? Can't be any worse than that Rollerball remake with Keanu. Right?

Dead Like Me (2009) - Welcome back, Peanut!

White Palace - I didn't know James Spader was Jewish!

VeggieTales - If this is the best Jesus has to offer us, I am not impressed.

College - Wow. Another Animal House clone. Or is that a Van Wilder clone? I know, I know ... it's original because it's about high schoolers who just get a sneak peek at college by being prospective freshmen. That, and there seems to be not one known movie star in it. I forget - does that make it better or worse than Van Wilder? Probably better, right?

College (1927) - A Classic.

2001 Maniacs Part 2: 2008 Maniacs - Oh, why do they make me wait?!!!

Beyond a Reasonable Doubt - Ooooh! Who's gonna play Spota? (David Jensen!!! I KNEW IT!!)

The Art of War II: The IRS Files - Just kidding, Wesley. You know I love you.

A Jazz Man's Blues - For all you nay-sayers out there, this will be the film that proves to you that Tyler Perry's a writer.

Ghost Town - I don't know what it is, but why do I not like Ricky Gervais? What's wrong with me?

The Bridge - Shame on me. Heard about this from 20/20. Give me a break!!! I mean, seriously, it's good, but it would've been better in HD.