Auteur Watch - Stuart Gordon

Oh, poor Don Calfa. Why must you always wait for Peter Hyams to cast you as Spota?
Oops, I made a mistake. Hyams actually isn't on my docket this year. No, up next is ... Stuart Gordon? Oh, please. Well, I will give him props. He is respectable now since he did Edmond for David Mamet. How he got that gig I'll never know. As for Gordon's favorite decade, I'd be tempted to say it was the 80s when he played both sides of the Hollywood fence, from writing and directing things like Re-Animator to writing Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. I'm sure even The Onion would agree that no two movies could be more opposite than that. You remember Re-Animator, right? That's the movie Lester Burnham talked about in American Beauty. Speaking of which, Gordon worked with Mena Suvari in something called Stuck! Small world! I know, I know, but I'll leave it to the real experts to figure out where Kevin Bacon fits into all of this.
Anyway, one might think his favorite decade was the 80s, but I'm betting on the 90s. Ah, the 1990s, a time when a guy like Gordon was king of cable! Fortress showing every Friday night at 10 on Cinemax! The '90s, man, if you weren't there, you'll never know. That's when movies got made. That's when all a director needed was a warehouse in Budapest, one camera, and 3 days, and he could get a damn movie MADE! Some of his catchiest titles were 90s efforts: Robot Jox. Castle Freak. Joseph and the Technicolor Ice Cream Coat. Space Truckers. Buddy Hackett was in that, right? No, it was Space Rangers. Never mind.
Anyway, what does the future hold for Stuart Gordon? Looks like he's heading back into H.P. Lovecraft territory that put him on the map in the first place: House of Re-Animator 2010, baby! Looks like the 2010s will be Gordon's favorite decade after all! And with William H. Macy and George Wendt on board, this just might end up in post production! Try to get Selma Blair if you can, huh?

Is Movie Monsters Still Scary 2009

That's right. It's a recurring feature now.
Well, at the box office this week, movie monsters ARE definitely bringing the funny to the asses in the seats. But on the other hand, it didn't make so much that the 2nd highest grosser made something piddly and small, like 9 million dollars! Where's the teeth?... okay, it was 11 million, but still. Hard to say if PDI's latest will spawn as many sequels as Shrek. That kind of thing is for greater minds than mine to figure out. But look at those script credits! We got a Larry Sanders alum and a Simpsons alum! Not too shabby. The others I don't know off the top, and I don't have time to look up... oh, they're married. Kewl! I've heard that actors should never marry another actor or an actress, but writers? I bet they insert veiled references to each other in their respective scripts. How cold-blooded is that?
At #2, it's Josh Hartnett's latest, called A Haunting in Connecticut. The Haunting in Connecticut. Well, it kinda looked like him, except younger and hotter. Even with the floating guts coming out of his mouth. And with this turkey at #2, it's starring role time now! Meanwhile, Virginia Madsen's still enjoying her career's Second Act, so to speak. She'll get that Oscar yet, but not for stuff like Firewall.
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From here it's all the old stuff: Knowing, I Love You Man, Duplicity, The Rock, Watchmen and Duplicity... I dunno, Julia. You're lookin' a little bit like Madonna at the Oscars... not good. Even Joan Rivers knows that. Please! Don't let the Madonna adoption go through, I beg you! Meanwhile, Taken slips to #9 but still surpasses all American expectations. The caviar has stopped flowing at Luc's house. And Craven's latest remake drops to #10. But we do have one other newbie in the bottom 5 this week: 12 Rounds. Is it a sequel to 8 Seconds? The 39 Steps? ...RENNY HARLIN? Ugh. Is it Renny Harlin's 16 Blocks? Could be! Well, Renny is the sequel king after all: Nightmare on Elm Street 4, Die Hard 2, Pirates of the Caribbean 0. Isn't he allowed to revisit Die Hard territory like Paul Blart? Sure, okay, I'll give him that, but John Cena? Is he the Great White Rock the WWE's banking on, and subsequently bankrolling? Must be, but he's clearly not as prolific as The Rock. Say what you will about The Rock, but at least he's riding that Movie Star Wagon Train! One movie a year - BAM! One BIG movie, and one little movie some years! C'mon, Cena, how hard could it be? We need more of you! And I need some rest...

The Superhero-ification of Everything: Hannibal Rising, Mercury Falling...

Hoh boy. Where to begin with Hannibal Rising? For starters, I know I shoulda thought of a better headline than that, so I'm already down for the count. But let me just say this: sometimes your brain needs a vacation. And if nothing else, you go in to a Hannibal Movie with certain expectations. And not to give too much away, it's tamer than Ridley Scott's Hannibal, and I'm sure everyone will agree it's way WAY better than Brett Ratner's little entry in the series. But it delivers the goods, plot holes aside.
On the other hand, I'm afraid this may give World War II movies a bad name. Or was that The Reader's job? Seriously, though, Hannibal and Magneto: two things that should've died in that war, no? And so we're treated to Hannibal Lecter's Origin Story, and his rather abrupt maturation from mild-mannered Eastern Bloc castle dweller to full-fledged "pure psycopath." I was reminded of when Conan O'Brien would talk to celebrity infants on his Clutch Cargo satellite uplink: did he ever do Baby Hannibal Lecter? Is that Hannibal 6's plot outline? I knew it!
So the plot machinations might be a little too routine for some. It almost was for me, but nevertheless I found the proceedings entertaining. Maybe I'm just getting old and lazy. Or maybe I'm just a sucker for that Gong Li. She plays Lady Murasaki, not your typical damsel in distress. I just want to make sure I get the name right so I don't get Hannibal upset at me. For me, it was interesting until it turned into the standard Death Wish / Lethal Weapon revenge formula. What's the typical standard of these kinds of pics? I don't exactly know. But having Hannibal go after these guys makes it a little different. Other reviewers complain that there's no vested interest in these characters, which was kind of REALLY the problem with Ridley Scott's Hannibal. Here, the line's a little more sharply drawn. Or were the bad guys here just so over-the-top evil as to be unbelievable? Rhys Ifans continues to fill in as the new David Warner, and I want to give a brief shout-out to the heart and soul of the bad guys: Richard Brake, or the Welsh Michael Biehn. He's the spark that lights the fuse on this cabal of war criminals, when they realize that Steven Seagal's out for justice.. I mean, Hannibal. But Hannibal does have his own charm as that Bronson-esque figure out for revenge: he knows never to use a gun. Too many fingerprints, or maybe it's just too easy. Why use a gun when you can use a sword? As for the young Hannibal actor himself, well, obviously he's the new Crispin Glover, only less interesting. And he kinda makes Hannibal sound like Dracula. And he's got that smirk etched into his left cheek. I forget already. Is that a Hannibal trademark?
Oh, but I ramble on and on. If you've got nothing else to see, and it just happens to be on cable at the time, which described my predicament perfectly, you just might want to check this out. I mean, the CGI gets a little clunky, especially with the WWII planes, and the camera shaking is a little blatant with the war explosions, but for two hours of your life you could do much worse.

***
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

V-I-G means to use your eyes, so Vig, Vig, Vig, you crazy guys...

Nervous Norvus? Anyone? ...ah, forget it.
I think that's a nevertheless important obscure reference, because that's actually about all the mirthmaking you're going to find in the movie. If you're expecting the joie de vivre of GoodFellas, turn away now. It's ALL business here. All bleak, joyless business. Even more so than Donnie Brasco.
Personally, I knew we were in trouble with the opening credits. Papyrus font? I'm sorry. That's not for a gangster / numbers movie. That's more of an outdoors adventure movie font. That's more of a Smoke Signals font... okay, opening credits sequence. But they do have two GoodFellas alumni in the opening scene: Billy Batts and Tony Stacks. (Not Stacks Edwards. Different guy.) Also, Freddie Prinze Jr. plays Tony Cicero, and Frank DiLeo plays Tuddy Cicero in GoodFellas. Just so's ya know. Just so's you're up to speed.
Anyway, the plot. It's nothing short of a tale of generational shift. Learn these lessons well, my friend, for they will be repeated in oh so many ways throughout the course of yon viewing experience. Peter Falk plays Vinnie, a bar owner and bookie. He runs a nice clean book, and he's a respected member of the neighborhood, wherever it's supposed to take place. Probably Toronto. His house looked like the neighbor's house in Malice, which I have also seen recently, so it was a bit fresh in the old noggin, but we'll save that for the advanced class. Anyway, so Vinnie's set to retire in a year, a bit of a departure from the usual retirement in two weeks we so often see in the movies. At the same time, on the gangster side, the bosses want to train Tony to take over the numbers racket, or at least, a numbers internship, which is kinda what he ends up turning it into. We see Freddie Prinze Jr. as a hotshot partyboy who likes to live in the fast lane, and his character is as well. Sorry, had to go for it. Also, he's told to treat this Vinnie situation carefully. No "cowboy stuff." Another recurring theme you're in for should you sign up for this journey.
A seemingly disconnected story thread is the story of Marybeth and Frankie. Marybeth works at the factory with Vinnie's wife, Ellen, played by Tyne Daly, the secret heart of the pic. You might think it's Freddie Prinze Jr., but believe me, Daly will change your mind about that. She's a good sport here, taking some ribbing about her weight, and putting the Dreyer's ice cream away. Lauren Holly plays Marybeth, and Timothy Hutton plays Frankie. One of my viewing companions noted that Hutton seemed miscast as the drunken lowlife Frankie, but we know better, don't we, folks? Just kidding. But they're so picky. They obviously haven't seen The Dark Half... come to think of it, he does kinda phone it in.
I guess my only complaint with the movie is that it's kind of a TV movie. And looking at its IMDb entry, it does have that dreaded "(TV)" next to the title! So all we don't know is what channel this premiered on. Director Graham Theakston does seem to be a TV-exclusive director. I mean, isn't life hard enough, folks? Who needs the pressure of a theatrical release? It did look pretty good in HD, I guess.. As for Vig scripter Hapenny, well, it appears he got disillusioned with the biz after this. It couldn't provide him any traction. I mean, he did everything he was told to do! He went to screenwriter college. He did EVERYTHING the teachers and the books told him to. Plot, characters, conflicts, scenes, climaxes... what more do us greedy bastards want? No, no. Don't answer that. Let him find out the hard way. Like Leslie Dixon.
As for the acting, Falk and Daly do fine. The GoodFellas guys do fine, although I did call the part where the guy says "Hey! Who invited you to sit down?" I have a witness, I swear. I got confused at one point and thought Hutton's character was supposed to be mentally challenged, but no, just a drunk. Lauren Holly was perhaps too convincing as the harried wife and mother working two jobs. Is she still in the biz? Life's just damn unfair, girlfriend! You should be out there shaking a leg! You should be dressed up like in Ford Fairlane! Oooh, baby! You shoulda landed a role in Lord of the Rings as Galadriel's hot sister! Guess you never shoulda married Jim Carrey. Oh well. It all worked out. As for Freddie Prinze Jr., well, he should stick to the Scooby Doo roles. I was reminded of Jon Bon Jovi in Pay it Forward. He was supposed to be playing a real jerk, but I could tell he didn't want to play it as a real son of a bitch. He wasn't committed like Dwight Yoakam in Sling Blade was committed. Actually, that comparison doesn't really apply, because Prinze had a far greater burden on his shoulders. And really, I've gone on for far too long, because we gave up on the movie after Prinze decides to take out Timothy Hutton's exorbitant payment in "trade" from Lauren Holly. Sorry, but it was one against two to quit the movie. I really wanted to finish! I really did!... No, wait. I remembered that wrong. I also voted against watching further. Reminds me of the Monty Python Piranha Brothers sketch, wherein the gangsters eventually figure out to charge people money for not beating them up. They go through the other three possibilities first.

*1/2
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Yeah, but who will RE-watch the Watchmen?

Boy, was that not what I expected. Who gave this a rave review? I want their thumbs! Well, enough blood's been shed already. Fortunately I'm able to stand by my earlier assessment in my February Short Reviews segment. I'm too tired to look it up right now. And now I know why the box office returns are dropping off so sharply, and why it's not sticking around in the IMDb Top 250 anymore. But I for one am taking a stand against all these people, all these comic book fans who protest that the movie's not getting it right. Not doing the graphic novel justice. All the great comic books have already been adapted and butchered anyway. If Watchmen is all we have left, we're in big trouble.
Judging the film on its own merits, I was left with a bad taste in my mouth. I knew we were in trouble when one of the main characters is shown participating in the assassination of JFK. I was reminded of Fatherland, except in this case it's Nixon instead of Hitler. Close enough. And I was further reminded of Back to the Future 2 which ALSO features an alternate 1985, in which Biff is married to Marty's mother and lords over a new economically vanquished Hill Valley that has drive-by shootings and tanks roaming through the streets. In Watchmen, however, it seems to be some kind of Right-Wing fantasy where we're winning the Vietnam War. Kinda like We Were Soldiers.
I went with my close friend whose opinion I trust to see this in IMAX. Kinduva mistake, but it was neat to see the giant screen. Awfully loud, though. I am wondering if I should buy the soundtrack album? We got Dylan, Hendrix, Simon and Garfunkel... I assume they didn't get the artists' permission. Thank God for corporate conglomeration! Anyway, I guess I better get into the plot a little bit, like all respectable film reviewers do at some point. It's an alternate 1985, and the McLaughlin Group has an audience. We see The Comedian, a former member of the Watchmen / Minutemen... something. They had a different name in their 1940s heyday. The Comedian's living a life in retirement, similar to the one Charlton Heston lived in The Omega Man, but with Hustler magazine prominently placed on his coffee table. And then, someone breaks in and tosses him through the superhero-strength plate glass! Somehow I just knew the director of 300 wasn't a good choice for this movie, and alas, my feelings were reinforced as the afternoon wore on.
We find out later in flashback that The Comedian is a real son-of-a-bitch, but the ladies love him anyway. Except maybe for the Vietnamese woman he shoots because he knocked her up. Oh, sorry, forgot to say SPOILERS. To be fair, she did verbally remind him of that fact, so I guess that means she had it coming. We see some of the Watchmen breaking up anti-war protesters using a space age vehicle that looks like it was designed in the 1950s, with the rust to prove it. My friend was wondering if some of these superheroes were the next generation. I already knew about Silk Spectre II, but didn't realize there was a Nite Owl 1 and 2. That's what I get for not doing my homework. Silk Spectre II looked like Lucy Lawless to me. Oh, but Xena's already past her prime, huh? She's far too old to be in something like this.
As for Rorschach, well, it looks like the Benjamin Button people are already getting more work. His moving mask looked pretty expensive. I haven't seen all of Sin City yet, but he's got that Sin City attitude. Likes to blame liberals for all the ills of the world. He kinda reminded me of Travis Bickle, but with surprisingly cleaner language. And he never did anything cool like hold his fist over a stove flame. Cold blooded, baby. I will say the part did make me smile on the inside where he's taking the eponymously named test in prison and giving, uh, slightly different answers than what was flashing through his head. But thanks to No Country for Old Men and the new Batman, everyone's going to talk in a deep voice from now on, aren't they? Good grief!
What else? Oh yeah. I tell ya, if Maxim magazine doesn't think this is the coolest movie ever, then they should resign their jobs right here and now. How could they not like the way superheroes spice up their love life? And when Silk Spectre 2 pushes the flame-thrower button at that one precise moment... priceless. Good place for a MasterCard commercial.
As for Dr. Manhattan, well, I hear Peter Greenaway wants to put him in a movie. I wanted to like him, I really did. The way I liked Pai Mei in Kill Bill part 2... was that his name? Alas, he was far too alienated from this world. Ends up going to Mars, much like Superman, to build either a Fortress of Solitude, or a giant crystal watch of Solitude. It's big and impressive, but kinda fragile. Manhattan wasn't enough like that big turtle thingie in the first Never Ending Story movie. Now THAT was a creature bored with life! Now, I don't think I'm giving away any of the plot with the following question, but here goes anyway: there were witnesses to Dr. Manhattan's origins. Couldn't someone else do the same thing and become another Dr. Manhattan? Or is that the sequel? Does that happen in Spider Man eventually? Doesn't someone else get bitten by that same radioactive spider? Or did I just ruin the quartet? (fingers crossed...)
I didn't even get to the whole 'Mankind is too sick to survive' stuff! Oh well. Save that for the sequel.
In summation, I probably wasn't in the mood for Watchmen. Maybe when it's on cable for free I can look back wistfully and say maybe I was wrong. I didn't even get to the over-the-top violence. It's violent and dark and a lot of blood gets sprayed, spilled, what have you. As my friend wryly observed, it makes The Dark Knight look like a comedy. As for the continually raging battle of the sexes, you're going to have to up the ante, ladies. No still means yes, but a swift kick in the nuts will send the proper message.

**
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Antoine Fuqua

I'm assuming this is the same Antoine Fuqua of "Untitled Antoine Fuqua Project" fame. And not the Blair Witch Project, either! And he had to do it the hard way: without the help of Spike Lee OR John Singleton. Can a brother get a 2nd Assistant Directorship up in here or what?
Welp, Fuqua's body of work barely qualifies him for the Decade theory, but I'll try it anyway. I'm going to say the 90s were his favorite decade. He got to take more chances because he was an unknown, getting to work with his two idols: Usher and John Woo. But the 2000s were by far much more fruitful, and he was perhaps at his busiest during Dubya's first term. Almost as busy as Soderbergh! His gestation period was about one film a year for a while, and then he crossed paths with every director's enemy: Jerry Bruckheimer. Hot off the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie, King Arthur looked like a surefire hit. And how did it do? ...how did it do, anyway? HORRIBLY!!! But some careers would be salvaged in the process. Clive Owen would work again, as would ultra-thin Keira Knightley. Good lord, she's so thin. Eat something, for God's sake! Be like Jessica Simpson! Just try it!
Anyway, back to Fuqua. Boy! First Michael Bay leaves Bruckheimer, then Fuqua! Betrayal aside, Fuqua would work again. Something called Murder Book in 2005. Just before Brolin's kid hit it big. Then, in 2006, he took some time off to indulge his passion for obscurity with The Call. Damn! The Onion should be all over this. John Malkovich and Naomi Campbell in a throwing contest? Who wouldn't pay to see that? Then, in 2007, he made Shooter, teaming up with that destroyer of directors, Mark Wahlberg. I'm assuming that's his nickname. Just ask Herek and Singleton. They'll tell ya! As for 2009, he's got Brooklyn's Finest which could refer to just about anything if Adam Sandler was in it. But look who IS in it: Wesley Snipes! Give the IRS hell on my behalf, Wes!
As you can clearly see, a busy decade for Antoine. Here's hoping he can afford to take some time off like Spielberg, maybe to form his own studio!

Knowing, Coraline

Sorry. Call me a sentimental old fluff if you must, but I just wanted to honor visually side-by-side, the #1 movie this week, with the #10 movie this week as it slips off the charts for what very well may be the last time. At least, I don't think Push is shoving back any time soon. Or Street Fighter 2009! What the hell just happened to SF09? I think Neal McDonough might have been miscast, but that's just me.
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But let's get back to the instant case. No big surprise, Knowing is #1 this week. But I'm sure Nicolas Cage is happy about it. Man, that dude's got six movies on his plate. Take a break, dude! I'm sorry, I believe I mis-spelled it. It should be spelled Kn0w1ng, right? That's gotta be some hip person's Facebook password, I know it. I think they should let people have whatever username they want, but it's the password they have to pick over and over again. Can't we live in that crazy upsidedown world for at least one day?
Meanwhile, Sarah Marshall 2 is at #2. I guess people just don't have a sense of humor anymore. Why couldn't this be #1? And speaking of sense of humor, The International 2 is at #3. Well, it's doing better than The International did, anyway.
At #4, The Rock's Witch Mountain movie drops sharply from #1 last week. Well, that's what happens when you body slam the Top 10: there's a sharp push-back. Newton's Third Law, baby. At #5, Watchmen continues to NOT POST Dark Knight-esque numbers. Is it the film's length? Is it the R rating? Hey, Dark Knight should've been rated R, IMHO. Guess Watchmen should've ventured into NC-17 territory to make some real money. Speaking of which, that new Wolverine movie's coming out soon, and they say it's not yet been rated. Shyeah, like they're going to release it with an NC-17. Why do they tease us in this manner?
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As for the rest of you dregs, #6 is The Last House on the Left. Don't care. At #7 is Taken, and the champagne has stopped flowing at Luc Besson's house. Slumdog Millionaire is still India's Titanic, even at #8; with $137 million in the bank, maybe the crew can get paid now too! At #9 is Tyler Perry's Latest. An IMDb reviewer asked, "Why rated so low?" It currently enjoys a 2.8 out of 10 rating. Not quite IMDb Bottom 100 bad, but still bad. And if you can't figure out why, you'll never know.
And finally, C0ral1ne at #10. And so I bid you farewell, even though I'm still smarting from a bad case of Monkeybone, Selick! Coraline has since dropped out of the IMDb top 250, but hey. Can't win 'em all. At least Nightmare before Xmas is still up there, right? And re-released in Imax, no less! As for you, Gaiman, well, don't worry, you're still the hottest Hollywood screenwriter since T.C. Boyle or Roddy Doyle or Nick Hornby. And just wait 'til your career gets some traction!

2008: The Year of the Malkovich - The Great Fu... Buck Howard

Sorry about that. Totally tasteless, I know, but I'm in a bit of a mood. Boy, I just don't get this at all. Look at that list of reviews! No Onion? No The Stranger? No Village Voice? How will I know how to properly mock this movie? Guess I have to do all the thinking myself on this one. On the other hand, 'tis indeed a rare movie that's PG these days, especially with Malkovich in it. Why, I think the last PG-movie he did was The Killing Fields! I mean, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and Johnny English. Quite a few this decade. We must nurture and cherish any and all PG movies that Hollywood churns out. The indies usually stick with R pics, no? Or was that just during the 90s?
Anyway, this film in retrospect reminds me of that old story about the guy in the circus who spends his days shoveling the elephant dung. When asked why he doesn't quit, he responds "What? And let all that methane escape into the atmosphere unsequestered? No sir! I've got to do my part to save Mother Earth. Do you realize that elephant dung releases more methane per square foot than..." I'm sorry, this damn schooling. No, he actually says "What, and give up show business?" And what better vessel to bring this story of the lighter side of show business grunt work than Tom Hanks' son Colin? True, he's not Josh Hartnett-handsome, and he doesn't sound as much like Tom as, say, brother Jim, and certainly doesn't sound as much like James Taylor as HIS son does, but in a pinch he'll do. He's got kind of a young-and-thin Jeb Bush quality about him, but likable.
In a sequence that kinda reminded me of the opening sequence of The Hudsucker Proxy with that big Nidus job board, we are introduced to Troy Gabel, a law student who wants to do something else with his life. And you gotta hand it to Tom Hanks for not taking the easy way out as Troy's stern father... I'm assuming his character's name is also Tom. And so Troy, much like the feather in Forrest Gump, lands himself at a table with Buck Howard, a Kreskin-esque celebrity who appeared on Carson a bunch of times... I think it was 61. And I only know he's Kreskin-esque because... well, I might as well let you find out the hard way just like me, no?
And so, Troy's life changes forever. And life chugs along for Troy as he helps Buck Howard along to his various small town gigs. Who knew? Even B-list celebrities can be high maintenance. Another twist of fate, similar to the one that got Troy the job in the first place, brings the lovely Valerie Brennan into Troy's and Buck's life. And much like Rebecca Hall in that other Play-Tone production Starter for 10, she's not exactly Adriana Lima, but she'll make a fine love interest, even though she says she has a boyfriend. Does the boyfriend show up at the end to kick Troy's ass? I might as well leave that to you to find out as well. Anything could happen in Hollyweird.
There's not much more to say about it. The cinematography is straightforward. Well, they can't all be like Raising Arizona, you know. The music's a little too wacky at times. Inside joke aside, Ricky Jay seems out of his element. Griffin Dunne's looking so old! We want the After Hours Griffin Dunne! The Lip Service Griffin Dunne! That's not asking too much, is it? And Steve Zahn, I'm assuming he didn't have to audition for his part as that starstruck Cincinnati guy who follows Buck Howard and entourage around everywhere. You know, for old times' sake. Malkovich does his usual good work here as a type of character I don't think he's ever tackled before. Sure, he's a cheesy washed-up celebrity on the outside, but he's still got a little of the old fire on the inside, and lets it loose at the right moments. A little more likable than the guy at the center of that maelstrom known as Colo(u)r Me Kubrick.
The two morals of this story that they seem to be imparting here are: 1) For gophers, showbiz isn't all bad, as long as you know the ropes and 2) respect for your elders. Right, Tom? You're getting up there yourself, you know. As for writer-director Sean McGinly, well, I'm no expert, but it is a little easier to get out of Exploitation Row these days than it used to be. Reg Powell sorta did it. Gregory Dark sorta did. Wally Pfister definitely did it. Who else? Simon Rex may have had to go back! ...damn. Guess not. Oh yeah, just remembered! Sean must've been a friend of Leslie Harter back in the day, that was it!

Good double bill with: Starter for 10
Bad double bill with: Swimming with Sharks

***
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - David Fincher

Now, who's this guy standing next to that giant Oscar statuette? Is it Dennis Hopper with his new toup? Maybe it's Scott Caan prepping for his next role as an undercover cop O-D'ing on all the illegal drugs he confiscates. ...who else might it be? William Atherton's kid? The latest American Idol winner? Wrong, wrong, wrong and WRONG! It's Academy Award nominated American film director David Fincher!!! He's that odd Hollywood bird: the special effects wiz that can also handle telling stories. Those that do it well are so rare: Zemeckis and... well, Spielberg, of course. Then you got the people like Stefen Fangmeier, who make up the bulk of special-effects-wizzes-turned-directors. Works fine with computers and special effects; not so good with actor people. Or like that bastard Kerry Conran! When's HIS next picture?
Anyway, back to Finch. I would have to think the 90s are his favorite decade, directorially speaking. Oh sure, it started off a bit rocky with Alien 3 getting panned by critics and moviegoers alike, and he had one of those moments when he thought he'd never direct again. Much like the Farrellys after Kingpin, or Soderbergh after Ocean's Thirteen... I mean, Schizopolis. Or Underneath. One of those two. But then, the Finchmeister struck gold with Seven. And it turned everyone involved into an instant star. Especially scribe Andrew Kevin Walker, who depressed audiences even more with 8MM and that grisly adaptation of Sleepy Hollow.
So how to follow up on this monster hit? Well, I just saw that documentary about PolyGram films, so I know that his followup was 1997's The Game. It's the one that tends to get skipped over in the short lists of Fincher's work. It also features a fine script by the Terminator 3 & 4 screenwriters. But I enjoyed it nevertheless, and it does continue his neon / blacklight paint tradition, but let us move right along to 1999's Fight Club. Currently at #21 in the IMDb Top 250 with no signs of leaving, it's nothing if not a marvel of editing. The shortest 2 1/4 hr. film you'll ever see.
He took a break from what was becoming his usual 2-year gestation period to make 2002's Panic Room. We can assume a 3-year gestation period if we move 2007's Zodiac to 2005 retroactively, which leaves 2008's Benjamin Button, currently at #147 on the IMDb Top 250. The Unbearable Lightness of Being it's not. Forrest Gump it's not. Well, it is a lot like Forrest Gump, but it's not in the same league. Sure, the special effects make your eyes blur... It makes the digitally "younger" Patrick Stewart in X-Men 3 look like a pile of 0's and 1's, and it makes the young Henry Winkler and Julie Kavner in Click look like bad Photoshop smearing. But at least B.B. swept most of the technical awards. Click never should've been nominated. That's why Sid Ganis had to resign.
Anyway, how do the 2010s look for Fincher? Wide open. Just like Peter Jackson, looks like he's headed right back into obscurity with his Heavy Metal reboot. But he's at least taking a couple other directors with him. So what's Tarsem? Chopped liver? I gotta go to bed.

Portraits in sibling rivalry: Sidney Lumet's "Fargo"

Well, I hate to do it, but I have to agree with Roger Ebert on this. Seriously, if you haven't seen the movie, don't read about it. Just watch it. As for the rest of you, I offer a few of my humble observations while still trying to preserve the plot's secrets.
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First of all, acting. Top-notch, of course. I guess you could say it's an actor's movie. Ethan Hawke and Philip Seymour Hoffman play brothers, and even though that may seem implausible they do manage to pull it off. I'm not well-versed in the Ethan Hawke catalog, but this is probably his best performance to date. Way better than Mystery Date, anyway. Philip Seymour is excellent as always; he seems to be revisiting Owning Mahowny territory, except that at least Mahowny had some likability. At one point, Hoffman's wife tells him she's been having an affair, but it's good news in comparison to everything else at that moment... And like a Coen brothers pic, it starts with the perfect crime that goes wrong, the aftershocks of which end up destroying everything and everyone in its path, everything short of turning our solar system into a black hole. As with Novocaine, appearances can be deceiving. In this case, the brother that you might think is better off might not actually be.
The story's told in semi-linear fashion, like The Limey or Jackie Brown. But I guess even Slaughterhouse-Five has a certain sense of structure to it. Maybe there's a happiness gene that the Hanson parents didn't pass on to their kids, I don't know. And I swear I thought to myself where the relationship with the drug dealer was going to end up; maybe seeing the other client in there seemed like infidelity to the one character. Well, that's the way movies are these days: you can't help but speculate. My friend whose opinion I trust had his own idea about how the dialogue between Albert Finney and the diamond fence should go; maybe if Paddy Chayefsky wrote the script. Oh well. As for you other critics who think there's too much overacting going on here (oh, they're out there; they just tend to post to other critic's websites), I think it's just that these are real people dealing with a 'real' situation. There's hardly anything Hollywood about it. That it becomes a family tragedy adds a whole other layer of stress. I did like the scenes with Michael Shannon. Compare this with Grand Theft Parsons, and you might not think it's the same guy. I guess that's about all I had. Again, don't listen to the reviewers; just see the damn movie first. Now, how many films can you say THAT about? Good on ya, Sidney. Guess this means this is your Match Point, but I will confess that I did get sucked in to Find Me Guilty, even though I didn't finish it...

****
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Escape to which mountain? HAHAHAHAHAH...

Sorry, I just couldn't resist. Yes, Disney's severed head must be smiling in its icebox now, because Disney's Race to Witch Mountain is #1, baby! It was at 25 million, but after the recount it slightly slipped, but it's still undisputed. Number one. And you know what that means: every George Lucas Jr. in the suburbs with a camcorder and about ten thousand dollars worth of software and hardware's gonna be gunnin' for you. You came out the best, now deal with the rest. Incidentally, who won that Spielberg show on Fox? Maybe it was Fickman! Just kidding, Fickman, I know you're kind of a big deal.
And we go from Fickman to Watchmen, slipping slightly at #2. Well, we can't all be The Dark Knight, now, can we? But at least Watchmen's got one thing that The Dark Knight didn't have: a nuclear explosion! On the other hand, so did the last Indiana Jones, and we know how THAT turned out... I mean, besides making a ton of money. Where's MY complementary ticket, damn it?
At #3 is the latest horror flick. They're not as numerous as they once were during the last administration, but they haven't totally disappeared, either. And this one's called... ah, who cares.
At #4, the insanity continues. People will be writing books about this. And according to my own crackerjack research, Taken has enjoyed a whopping 7 weeks on my beloved American Top 10 at the box office!! Now the caviar is flowing like champagne at Luc Besson's house! Meanwhile, Robert Mark Kamen's going for his Ringo walk with Gatchaman. I guess he's not the only one who could use a break from Luc. Now, how can this movie be doing so much better than Madea Goes to Jail? I mean, seriously? But don't worry, folks, because apparently Tyler's going to write a fresh Madea screenplay just for you. That dude's a workhorse. He's like the black David E. Kelley or Stephen J. Cannell, only more Jesus-y. And where's his Michelle Pfeiffer? When's Madea going to have her own A-Team?
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As for the rest of you mugs, well... it's just not worth pondering about. Just too unbearable. Is it just me, or does anyone else think that that Jillian Michaels is a little too mannish? I mean, I'm glad she's in shape and all, and I'm sure she can kick my ass, and she probably would if she reads this, too, but... Anyway, SM's finally just about run its course. According to my own crackerjack research... it has enjoyed a total of 12 weeks in the Top 10. It dipped off the Top 10 twice in its run, but it came back big time. It once got up to #3 the week after the Oscars, but that was it. Still, pretty damn impressive. Time to make Trainspotting 2, Danny. Or is Robert Carlyle as hated in the biz as I think he is?
Paul Blart and HJNTIY and Coraline continue their graceful transition to the video shelves, and finally at #10 we got Miss March. Apparently, Americans aren't as tasteless as I once thought. Oh sure, they like tasteless humor, but only if it's done well. Or at least written smartly. Sometimes it's not enough just to be original, and coma-related humor usually works, but why take Kramer's word for it? Okay, so you say, well, it's The Whitest Kids U Know! They're like, the new The State or the new Broken Lizard or the new Mr. Show... frankly, I'm not terribly hip to all these new-fangled comedy 'troupes.' If they're not part of a PBS pledge drive, they're not for me.

Puppetry, Penis or: It's not your father's R rating: Forgetting Sarah Marshall

For lack of a better phrase, the satirical sex scene is very hard to pull off. I know, I'm sorry. Now, I'm no expert, and there's probably way more than I thought there was. I don't count the 'hair gel' scene of There's Something About Mary, as good as it was. I'm talking scenes more like American Psycho where Bale's busy enjoying himself in the mirror while at work. There's also Susan's Plan when Lara Flynn Boyle says, post-coitus, "See? I told you we'd be good at this!"
But now that the R rating doesn't mean what it used to, and our culture's obsession with sex seems to have no ceiling, this movie seems tame in comparison and, like most of the other critics agree, kinda sweet. The teen sex comedies of the '80s seem Neanderthal in comparison. But there is satire to be found in the sex scenes of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and not just your average garden variety exploitative fare. The scene with the dueling couples in adjoining rooms comes to mind. And Peter's succession of one night stands in the first act as well. As for the Christian couple discovering the joy of sex, well, not so much. Even with the whole Jesus factor. The film does seem to have its own spin on the scene in Animal House where the one girl is wearing gloves and... never mind.
At points the film veers into Adam Sandler territory, mostly because of the presence of Apatow and Sandler regular Jonah Hill. I think we've found the new Chris Penn! Otherwise, star and screenwriter Jason Segel has written a film of surprising insight and depth of characters. One of my favorite scenes is when Brian tries to get Peter out of his funk at the beginning of the movie, and Peter tells Brian that his wife's not in the same league as Sarah. That's right, ladies, men do that kind of thing. At the same time, I also liked the scene where Sarah's trying to figure out if there's something going on between Peter and Rachel. She finds out later on, of course. Could this film be the new BCTA??
As for William Baldwin, well... has Stephen channeled Alec in a performance yet? I guess he'd be the last one! A little more difficult for him, being a natural blond. No, Apatow and Sandler usually beat you over the head with the gross-out stuff, and it's here as well, but it's a lot more tempered here than Sandler could do, and there's a bit more character development than Sandler would usually go for.

I must say I disagree with The Onion's assessment, at least just one part: I don't know which third-act scene they're referring to that changes the whole tone of the movie. And the women probably are underserved, but Sarah Marshall herself has that nice line about why her career's in neutral. Perhaps the movie treats the introduction of herpes into the mix a little too lightly or too Hollywood, but that's just me.
As the World Socialist Web Site would surely note, this is a Holly-weird tale, but we see the various Hollywood strata interacting. Peter lives on a level beneath Sarah, doing the grunt work of providing the music on her hit CSI-esque show. And Aldous Snow is on a level above or equal to Sarah. Probably above, right? But they all can afford the nice Hawaii resort. But Hollywood's not all backstabbing, as we see when Peter puts on the big puppet show at the end. Sorry, I guess that was a spoiler. We'll probably not see the death of the demo CD any time soon, though. Sorry, guys, but at least you tried.
As for those brief snippets of full frontal male nudity... They didn't seem as long as Graham Chapman's big unveiling party in Life of Brian. I've seen it quite a few times now, thank you very much. I did miss Harvey Keitel in The Piano, but I think Jason is joining a long proud tradition, as are many other of Apatow's films, I'm told. As I watched this with the person whose opinion I trust, they wondered why there had to be the nude scene at the end. I told them, well, you had the one at the beginning, you have to have a scene at the end! Bookends! It's the only way.
It's a very likable movie. Even that Christian reviewer liked it! The hipsters over at The Village Voice liked it, and damn it, I like it too. I like that Jason Segel guy... is it just me, or does he look like a cousin of James Franco? I guess they're not, but still. Segel's star is on the rise: he's got I Love You, Man coming out next week with fellow co-star Paul Rudd, and apparently Aldous Snow has got a second movie. Don't let it go to your head, buddy.

***1/2
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Roland Emmerich

Him? Oh, for God's sake. Make it Hollywood Auteur. The poor man's Wolfgang Petersen. Oh, snap! Oh, no he di-int... Did I spell di-int right?
Anyway, there he is standing next to Tiger Woods. Kinda looks like Cesar Millan in that photo. But Emmerich is the guy you go to when you want the big gaudy expensive remake. Hard to say what his favorite decade is: probably the 90s. That's when he first came onto my radar with the relatively inauspicious Universal Soldier. Of course, I never saw it, but it surely doesn't have the scope and budget of something like Stargate and Independence Day, which came next and next next. If I had to guess, I'd say the 80s were his favorite decade. Well, he was still a young guy, in the best shape of his life and he didn't have the career pressures he clearly does now.
Speaking of which, I don't know how these directors do it, but Roland's increasing his productivity now. Practically banished from the biz with his previously 4-year gestation period, he's bounding back in 2009 with a Stargate-style rehash called 2012. I mean, ponder on it a bit! Both have an academic researcher trying to advance unpopular theories, both have big expensive scenes of ACTION... I guess that's it. I know, 2012's more like The Day After The Day After Tomorrow. What I wanna know is, why can't we get some American directors to make these big crappy American action pics? And THIS doesn't count. I'm sorry. Recession or no recession.
I notice that John Cusack stars in 2012 as Jackson Curtis. Well, it's PRACTICALLY Jack! Where's my disquisition on that? But I just hope he starts 2012 the way he started The Sure Thing with the following line: "Consider the universe..."

Box Office Review from The Massie Twins

Finally! Some free time to and for myself. A very rare commodity these days... Either that, or I'm forgetting something. MY TAXES!!!
...okay, got that done. Whew. Anyhow, if there's a better way to squander my free time than review that permanent floating dog and pony show known as This Week's Top 10 at the Box Office, I don't wanna know about it. Now I heard some nasty rumours that Tyler Perry was going to go out and buy $50 million worth of tickets just to compete with Watchmen so he could demand a recount, but so far it hasn't come to pass. Maybe next weekend. Of course, he's already hard at work on his next movie. And filming House of Payne concurrently. Oh, I hope he sprang for the hi-def. Maybe he could just redo all the pre-hi-def episodes in hi-def.
Oh, but enough about him. It's Watchmen's turn to celebrate. For my birthday I'm going to get to see it, even! All the prestigious critics love it. The jealous ones don't. Me, I'm a little skeptical about the 300 director, but that's just me. But it does seem to be easier for an almost 3 hour movie these days to kick total ass at the box office. Lord of the Rings paved the way for that. And now the R-rated ones are able to do it too! What an exciting time to be alive.
Moving on to #2... boy, I tell ya, this Watchmen thing just threw off the curve. There are NO other films that made more than 10 million this week! But everyone still loves Madea and most of her fans don't want her to die, and they went in droves to see how she handled jail this week, to the tune of 8.53 million dollars. Not too shabby! It's definitely out of my league, I'll give you that.
At #3, it's Taken. Man, I'm getting sick of that movie. I dare say it just might reach 200 million! It did in France! But you don't hear the stars complaining they didn't get paid enough!
Meanwhile at #4, and in no way a segue, it's Slumdog Millionaire... okay, a bit of a segue. But that's one of the levels of success a film reaches: when the stars sue for more paycheck. No Country for Old Men went through it. Randy Quaid in Brokeback Mountain went through it. Well, he's an old timer now and not as shy as he used to be. In some sad news, S.M. has slipped to just #42 in the IMDb's Top 250. What else can be said? Shawshank's got some rabid fans!
And rounding out the top 5 is Paul Blart, the only movie that's made more than Taken. Sequels are in the air.
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As for the rest of the dregs, Not that Into You, Coraline and Shopaholic have formed a suicide pact, but are holding strong together. They're holding strong, but I think Shopaholic is feeling a little inadequate with only 38.3 mill in the bank. The lowest of the three. But it's still better than the Jonas Bros. concert movie at #9, having raked in a piddly $2.83 mill this week, for a piddly total of $16.8 million. On the plus side, it has since risen from the #1 bad movie in the IMDb Bottom 100 to #2. What else can be said? Night Train to Mundo Fine's got some rabid anti-fans!
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And finally, holding strong at #10, Fired Up!'s long sad saga hasn't been finished yet. But it was always an overachiever, even in post production. And that AnnaLynne McCord's looking better and better with each passing day. Maybe not as good as Mila Kunis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but good. Oh, men are such picky slobs, right, girls? A bad combination that all-too exists... something like that. Something must be making me delirious. A gas leak, perhaps. Speaking of which, congratulations, Fired Up! You've lasted 3 weeks, which is 2 weeks longer than I thought you would. If this keeps up, and you're on the charts again next week, I'll have to buy you a birthday cake! I hope you don't mind if I eat it all myself.

Auteur Watch - Clint Eastwood

Next on our alphabetical Auteur 2009 list, Clint Eastwood. Aside from that whole mayoral flap in the 80s, he's done his damned-est to keep up with Woody Allen, but Woody's a tough one to beat. Woody's directorial gestation is still damn consistent: he lays one egg of a movie each year. Cassandra's Dream? Fuh-getaboutit. Clint's come close. Maybe if we move a couple movies around: move 1971's The Beguiled: The Storyteller to 1972, Breezy from 1973 to 1974, White Hunter Black Heart from 1990 to 1989... See, we can't quite cover all the gaps. Oh well. Up next is The Human Factor. There's kind of a big disparity between its title and subject matter. Maybe it's just me. It almost sounds like another Outbreak-style film about a deadly virus that needs containing, or another battle between men and machines, or another battle between men and their need to push the nuculear button. No, it's actually about Nelson Mandela, and I can only assume Matt Damon plays the REAL hero of the story, the guy who got Mandela out of jail. On one level, isn't it just a Cry Freedom reboot? As long as it's less blatant Oscar bait than Benjamin Button. All I know is, if I were Clint, I wouldn't be able to put out one film a year at his age. And I use the year-swap method here: let's count Changeling as his 2007 film, and Letters from Iwo Jima as his 2005 film. Or should it be the other one?

Now it's Madea's turn! ... again.

Yeah, I think I understand the phenomenon. Kelly Clarkson still would've been famous without American Idol. Jerry Seinfeld doesn't wanna be known as that "What's the Deal with..." comedian. No, he wants to be Lenny Bruce now, or the angry George Carlin. And yet, Vicki Lawrence doesn't mind being remembered for Mama's Family. How sad is that?
I didn't even bother to read the whole headline: "Tyler Perry wishes Madea were dead." I think that was the gist of it. I tried looking for it after the fact but couldn't find it. But I think it makes sense. No, he'd rather be known for one of the other innocuous characters in his plays who can't act. That'd be better. No, he can do bad all by himself. Actually, Madea's Dead: The Final Nightmare might make a pretty good movie! It practically writes itself! And besides, he's got a part in the new Star Trek movie, right? Is Madea in that one? Fingers crossed!
Anywho, it's been six months, and once again Tyler Perry hijacks the box office, as the fuse keeps burning the wick of his back catalog. I think we're almost through all of 'em by this point. And he's got extra cause to celebrate: Madea Goes to Jail busts out at #1 for the second week in a row. I can't even remember the last time one of his films did that, and neither does he. Well, he doesn't have to remember now. He's got people working for him to do that. But now I know why the Academy didn't give the Oscar to Viola Davis...
At #2, and I better put the hyperlink in, because I tried to find that Miley Cyrus 3D concert film, and it got lost in the detritus! This time, it's those damn Jonas Brothers. I KNEW Disney was behind 'em! Just didn't bother to do my research. Oh, I'm just so ashamed with myself, I won't be able to look in my own eyes when I stare at myself in the mirror. And look! Their concert film is already buried in the Bottom 100 at #5. Oh, but that's just another form of flattery / publicity. I'm sure it's bad, but it's DEFINITELY not Troll 2 bad. Hard to believe Troll 2 was ever actually shown on TV. Your little concert film will probably look great on HD, so take that, non-believers! Meanwhile, Hanson's at the car wash. I just don't know if that's justice anymore.
At the other end of the spectrum, Slumdog Millionaire is on a rocket ride to the moon! And while it's still raking in all that nice green moon money, it's risen to #41 in IMDB's Top 250. Oh, I'm sure it's good, just not Shawshank good. And congrats on that Best Picture win. Reminds me: I still gotta do my Oscar recap. So depressing...
Incidentally, maybe it's just me, but if I were Loveleen Tandan I'd be pissed.
At #4 and #5, it's Taken and He's Just Not That Into You. Sorry, no new jokes on these. Frankly, Taken's stuck around too long. Darkman must be pretty damn good in it, that's all I know.
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As for the rest, it's Paul Fart, Caroline, and Shopaholic. And one last newbie: a Street Fighter reboot. Or rather, a sequel? No one knows what it is! That's why it did so poorly. But cinematographer-turned-director Andrezj Bartkowiak's been through worse. He's done TWO movies with Tom Arnold! Not even James Cameron can boast that! Unless Tom was in Aliens of the Deep.
And I don't know why, but I'm proud of you, Fired Up. You've done poorly at the box office, but well enough that I won't get to honor you at the end of the year. That's how much you've meant to me lo these many weeks. And I have a strange feeling that this Freedom Jones is going to be the next Diablo Cody. Unless Diablo's using a pseudonym like Stephen King?