Do you WAAAAANT... to come back to my place, Beyoncé Beyoncé!

If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me; I am no longer infected... Nuthin'? Awright, folks, the point is...
The point is I lost some valuable useless data! Sure, it was useless, but it was MINE, damn it! I think what happened was, I assumed I had already saved it, and that I was just doing touch-up work. I had the opposite problem before: I would work on an old file thinking it was the new file, and overwriting data THAT way. So I made a copy of the old file, gave it the new name, and didn't save the changes. Did any of that make sense? Good! Now, let's get down and dirty with this week's box office. And it certainly is down and dirty this week. Look at all these angry, paranoid titles! Obsessed! Fighting! The Soloist! WFT is going on here? I misspelled WTF, didn't I? Man, I'm still losin' it.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Well, I hated to do it, but I've officially marked Dragonball Evolution as a one-week wonder, to be remembered at the end of the year. I thought maybe it'd make a comeback, but the movie market these days is on the march. And Justin Chatwin's doomed to become one of these guys that everyone hates, like Hayden Christensen and ... Pauly Shore? Paul Walker too, I guess. Pauly Shore's too obscure now. But remember, guys, it's just the jealousy talking.
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Which reminds me. I wanted to share with you this dream I had the other day. I dreamed I was in the mall and I see Kathleen Quinlan and Anne Archer, and they walk up to each other. And they just stand there, staring at each other for, like, fifteen minutes! Just staring, looking depressed, or concerned, or whatever their milieu is. I couldn't believe it. Quinlan was in American Graffiti, of all things! This must be before she hit her stride as a serious actress, looking serious and forlorn forever after in everything she's ever done. So the two of them keep staring at each other, and a small crowd starts to gather, and no one can figure out if they're trying to stare each other down, or if they're about to make out. Then Maura Tierney shows up and all hell breaks loose.
--
And I wake up. But I keep avoiding the subject. Partly because I don't understand the main source of the advertising. Web ads alone can't do it. Well, I did see a few during The Daily Show, but somehow it doesn't seem like that audience's type of film. And I'm talking of course about Obsessed, and I guess it's been a while since we've seen a good old fashioned romantic thriller like Fatal Attraction or Basic Instinct or ... something without Michael Douglas. But the American movie-going public, oh they are a fickle bunch. Why do they go to see Beyoncé in this, yet avoid Cadillac Records in droves? I thought she was a good singer! She gets a lot of work on the Oscars, that's for sure. Also, a big turnout for fans of Heroes' Tracy Strauss. Which leaves that new black dude from The Office in the middle. Crikey! What's a rudeboy gotta do to get some bleedin' respect around 'ere? Sorry, but that's all the slang I know. So congrats to you, Obsessed, and I look forward to flipping past you on Cinemax one of these days.
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Incidentally, as long as I'm on the subject, here's something you'll never read on this blog: "Opening at #1 it's the big anticipated summer hit starring Jason Schwartzman!" Even if it's Batman 3 and he's the new Batman. It just ain't happening. You can bank on it. At #2, it's 17 Again. Don't care. But I will give a Shout Out to its director: Flock of Seagulls. At #3 it's Fighting. It's either the sequel to Waiting..., or the all-dude version of Girlfight. One or the other. And it is a triumph for its star, Channing Tatum. And he's late to the party, but he is indeed part of that ever-growing clique of name-centric nepotistic movie stars, like Keri Russell and Kate Bosworth. I guess they're the only ones. See, you might think Keri Russell is Kurt Russell's daughter from a previous message, but no. She's doing it without a net, all on talent. And you might think Kate Bosworth is a cute cousin of Brian Bosworth, but no. She's rising through the ranks without a net, all on talent. And, with more than a little help from Kevin Spacey, I might offer! As for Channing Tatum, same deal. You might think he was the progeny of either Stockard Channing or Tatum O'Neal, but no. Straight from the bowels of Middle America, smack dab onto our silver screens he goes. It won't be long before he's doing Chill Factor 2 direct-to-video with ... Cuba Gooding Jr.? Oh no. Say it isn't so, Cuba. This is the kind of job for the likes of Bill Bellamy or Charlie Murphy.
Moving quickly on to #4, it's The Soloist, and congratulations, Jamie Foxx! You beat Hannah Montana after all! Still, this is just blatant Oscar bait, I hope you know that.
That's all I got on that so far. And finally, rounding out the top 5, it's Earth. And Disney owns it now. Rather, Disney's losing money on it now. Which just goes to show you, the earth is too expensive to save. Sorry, environmentalists, but you know it's true. Let's just let the corporations do whatever the hell they want to until Jesus comes back with his magic mop. And gives us all loaves and fishes and a new Mercedes.
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Not much to report upon for the rest of the Top 10. Monsters v. Aliens clearly has the most money in the bank, Crank 2 has the least. Fast & Furious is furiously leaving the top 10, State of Play's just kidding around, and Hannah Montana? Well, what can be said? She's apparently a rock star, but soon she'll be singing the blues. Something like, "The I Shouldn't have taken Points Blues" or "I've got the Billy Ray's Sleeping on my Couch Blues." She wanted Viggo Mortensen to play her father, but he's too liberal, I guess. Plus, he's busy. Speaking of which, Vig, I'm worried about Cronenberg. When's his next pic coming out? You're going to be in it, right?

Auteur Watch - George Huang

There's a lesson here somewhere. I guess if you make a movie about a lowly Hollywood underling who exacts revenge on his superiors, your career's not going to advance as far as you'd think. But Swimming with Sharks director George Huang's been busy! Maybe not Steven Soderbergh busy or Steven Spielberg busy, but busy! Did you know he filmed Frodo's audition tape for Lord of the Rings? I just found that out! God bless you, IMDb! Also, like Clint Eastwood and Haskell Wexler, he's made that pledge to work only with free-range Hollywood P.A.s, so projects take a little bit longer.
Much like Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer's director John McNaughton, Huang swam quickly into much more tepid thematic waters after his stunning debut. His next pic was 1997's Trojan War, but if you're a purist like me, you probably remember it best as a pic called Rescue Me. But, the die is recast, that kind of thing's not up to me, it's a free country and that's their right, and God bless 'em for that. Then he went back to doing TV work, which wasn't a popular move at the time, but lots of directors work just in TV. Rod Daniel, for example, and Peter Bonerz. Yup, a guy can do great things in TV work these days, and with the (eventual) arrival of HD, it's almost the cooler of the two mediums!
Now, I don't want to be like 'Weird Al' Yankovic taking credit for discovering Kramer... and I'll bet he's backpedaling from that now. Nor do I want to be like Henry Jaglom swooning over David Duchovny in the commentary track, but I think Hollywood heard I was going to profile Huang on Auteur Watch, and LOOK! He's back, baby! Something called Locker 13. Oooh! Good title. Could you change it to Assault on Locker 13, by any chance? Would Carpenter allow that?... Oh, screw it. It's one of those multi-director B.S. projects. Well, it's still better than a poke in the eye. You're on the True Path once again, Grasshopper, back onto that Silver Screen where all great directors go to live forever. Keep on truckin', George Huang!

Close enough...

And happy Earth Day to everyone around the Earth! Yeah, but not everyone's happy... right, Russ Steele? Oh, he's out there, folks. And he's pissed. Oh, but enough about him. Let's quickly dissect this whole box office week. I gotta do the dishes tonight.
As expected, Zac Efron is once again king of the box office with his latest cinematic installment called 17 Again. But there's enough success to go around for all: how does The Whole Eleven Yards sound, Bing? You know, kids are so full of angst these days, it'll probably be hard to tell when the two have actually switched bodies. I want to see the adult really get into it when he's a young kid again, and organize some kind of revolt amongst our youth... damn! Just blew my screenwriting career. In close second, boy of play Russell Crowe's latest, State of Play, makes about nine million short of first place. I'll bet he's kicking himself now for passing on 17 Again. In third, Hannibal... I mean, Hannah Montana rocks the box office casbah, while old mandarins of the box office MvA and FF4 round out fourth and fifth place.
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A couple debuts in the lower half this week. Let me check my spreadsheet... Oh, right. Observe and Report just SEEMS like a debut. No, there was only one film more manly than that this week, and it's Crank 2: Electric Boogaloo. One more and you've got the perfect Costco gift pak: Transporter 1, 2 & 3 and the Crank series! You gotta hand it to Handsome Rob, cuz he's a martial arts expert now and if you dis him, he'll hand it to you! Apparently, The Expendables will round out the Statham / Jet Li trilogy. Don't screw it up, Stallone!

Grey Homes & Gardens, or Down and Out in the Hamptons

Damn! Which is which here?
Awright, let's crank out a damn review here. Sorry, folks, but my level of pun headlines is down. Partly because it's late, but mostly because it's hard to think of one in this case. I was busy trying to think of other shut-ins: The Aviator? True West? Helpmates? You know, I just saw a list today of the top 7 body switching movies; no doubt prompted by the impending release of the latest Zac Efron delivery device, 17 Again. How sad, now Matthew Perry, in attempting to siphon off some of that Efron magic, has become like Tom Selleck siphoning off some of that Friends magic. Oh yeah, I was also reminded of that similar spell that Schmidt went through in About Schmidt.
In case you didn't already know, Grey Gardens (2009) is the story behind the story of the Maysles' documentary Grey Gardens (1975). And as you can tell from the image I so hastily slapped together, it's a damn faithful recreation. And even though that, as one of my viewing companions pointed out, these two women aren't terribly sympathetic people, I couldn't help but feel their plight as they slowly shake loose all their earthly companions and end up like an old married couple. And they're mother and daughter, for crying out loud! That Gould guy was awfully quick to run off; that could've probably been made a little more explicit why. Was it really just the bills? And the novelty wearing off? Not to ruin it for you or anything, but Jackie-O shows up late in the third act, and a little conveniently after they first get attention in the press, I might add. Humph! As the elder Beale might say.
I've not much to report other than that. I'd say it was a worthwhile show. I guess it's the kind of thing that couldn't get a theatrical release, which is a shame because Lange and Barrymore ought to get SOME kinda nomination. At least a Golden Globe; a little more prestigious than an Emmy. No big names in the director's chair or the DP's chair, but I guess they're not as relevant anymore. Oh, I just hate the idea of Jessica Lange getting old, but on the bright side, she's still got it. One of my viewing companions wondered aloud why the daughter couldn't just run away, but they just don't understand: when you're damn near American royalty, there's just nowhere to run to. And besides! They don't run: they walk. Running's just not dignified.

***1/2
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Ron Howard

Yeah, it's about time we got around to Opie. And the timing is almost perfect: his latest, Angels & Demons, aka Da Vinci Code 2, is about to open! On May 15th, and from looking at all the countries it's going to open in, looks like it's set for worldwide domination. We'll be blogging about it soon enough, I'm sure, but for now, let us take a look back at the career that is Ron Howard...

Born in Duncan, Oklahoma on March 1, 1954, he started off early as a young thespian in 1959's The Journey. And with his Norman Rockwell good looks he rode that child star gravy train to big-time success, dragging his whole family with him. Father Rance got into the biz soon after, playing Prewitt in 1956's Frontier Woman. Arguably, not quite as prestigious a gig as The Journey, but hey! Work's work. From there, the rest, needless to say, is history. (back to Ron) Andy Griffith, The Shootist, American Graffiti, one high-profile gig after another. He tried hard to throw it all away on shlock like Grand Theft Auto, but to no avail. Success was all but assured for big Ronny Howard: it was damn near in the cards. He was an actor and a director now! Is there anyone that ol' coot Don Siegel HASN'T mentored directorial-wise? Besides him, I mean...
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But before we move on to the go-go 80s, where the acting thing kinda petered off for the sake of the directing gig, leave us take a moment to try and apply the Favorite Decade Theory to Ron. Man, I feel like eating some beef jerky. 'scuse me a second... Okay, I'm back now. So many decades to choose from for Ron. What could be his favorite decade? The go-go 60s when the world was in turmoil around him, but it was another day another dollar for him on the set of Andy Griffith? Or was it the 70s when all the people burned out from all the 60s action took the decade off to contemplate their place in the universe... the perfect time for a guy like Ron to strike and nag Roger Corman to death for that hard-to-come-by directing gig. Perhaps the 80s, when his directing gigs were on the rise. More money, more prestige projects, almost a carbon copy of Spielberg's career, except Steve never made a mermaid pic or a pic about aliens... I mean, aliens messing with old people, or socially relevant pics about the Japanese takeover... we'll just skip that one, actually. All the documentaries do.
---Or maybe it's the go-go 90s! He's able to slow down a little now and take the really REALLY high-profile gigs, but the critics are grumbling and not taking him seriously as a director... kinda like Spielberg in the 80s. But the effects are getting better, and with pics like Apollo 13, it's not just about the movie anymore! It's about HOW the movie gets made! Long weeks spent in the Vomit Comet, getting all that zero gravity stuff just right. Or maybe it's the 2000s: the pics are getting ever more prestigious now, Grazer's got all the money in the world for the really kick-ass A-list projects, but most of all... Best Director Oscar, baby! True, what's 'is face got robbed and was pouting about it, or is that... eating Crow(e)? Oh, I'm so bad. But never mind all that, you got the Gold, baby, and you kicked Altman's ass all over that stage.
Which decade is his most favorite? Knowing Ron, he'd probably give the typical middle America answer and say, wait for it ... ALL of them! Yes, Sir Ron Howard is in the directorial cat bird seat, and I think he survived his spat with Mike Myers that I just read about. At this point in history I tend to take Ron's side of it as well. But Mike's always got Shrek 4, 5 and on and on into eternity. As for Ron, well, on a recent rare appearance on Bill Maher's HBO show, he spilled the beans about a project he's trying to develop. Something about that interesting span of history from 1982 to 2007. I think it's called... his autobiography. Think about it! Get Damian Lewis to play you. Peace, I'm outta here.

Guhl-Powah!

Brought to you by KatieFun789. Oh, she's out there, guys, believe me. I'm surprised she hasn't been spoken for yet! Oh, but she's not gonna date just any lump of protoplasm with a Y chromosome. No, you gotta have a Yahoo! Mail account to win this gal's heart... oops, wrong photo. No, the photo this week is of Emmy Rossum in something called Dragonball Evolution. Why does that make me think of Dakota Fanning in Push? Must be the similar box office performance.
Sad to think that someone like Emmy's already become passé; guess she doesn't show off her Golden Globes enough. Ohhh, snap! Sorry, folks, but it's late and I had to go for it. But you know who hasn't become passé yet? Miley Cyrus! But you probably already knew that. The Hannah Montana movie performs as expected at this week's box office... but could it have done better? I mean, it didn't leave its competition in the dust like Spielberg's pics usually do. Look at those numbers! Vin Diesel's juggernaut comes in at #2 with a boffo 27.2 million, just 5 less than Miley. The way Vin's going, I think it's time to start a new movie franchise called The Bald and the Beautiful. Ohhh, double-snap! Sorry, Vin, I know everyone else picks on you, but that's what happens when you were once king of the box office. In third place, something even more life-like than, well, than Miley Cyrus, it's Monsters & Aliens... something like that. Also hauling in a fine box office catch this week. Seth Rogen does a voice in that one, and he stars in this week's #4 entry, Observe and Report. I'm telling you, Jody Hill and company will never let us forget. And to show you the level of disrespect this turkey's getting, the clip they showed on The Daily Show featured an ex-Daily Show correspondent Dan Bakkedahl. AND NO ONE CARED! No one said peep! Seth didn't say peep, Jon didn't say peep. Which reminds me, damn, Seth lost the poundage! I gotta learn from you, buddy. You're just gonna have to get re-typecast all over again. You won't get the roles you once got now that you're thin is all I'm sayin.
And at #5, Knowing hasn't quite cleared 100 mill yet, but maybe it's close enough, who knows. It won't slow Nic Cage down any; looks like he's booked til 2015 at least. Maybe til the next solar eclipse over the USA.
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As for the rest, well, there's not much to joke about here. Frankly, I hate to talk about the rest for fear I'll catch some Second-Hand Suck. But I Love You, Man, the hot bro-mance pic of the season is still going strong at #6. And it's a ... well, I was going to say it's a comeback for the bro-mantic comedy king, John Hamburg, but even the most upbeat and hopeful among us know that he was doing much better riding Ben Stiller's coat-tails. And it looks like there's another three-quel along the way in that same vein! Shame they don't trust Hamburg to direct it, but that's how cutthroat the biz is. You get the right kind of A-list blood in the water, and the faster DGA sharks get the prize.
We already tore Dragonball Evolution a new one, and we've got The Haunting in Connecticut... don't worry, Madsen! You'll get that Sideways 2 someday, I know it. And Duplicity's last stand, preceded by Adventureland, but for those of you who can't get enough Van Wilder, he's got another comic book movie coming up: Wolverine. It's just barely going to make that May 1 deadline, but they're trimming it down at the MPAA's request. Apparently, the violence was a little too X-rated, even compared to that recent Punisher 'sequel'. And there's also that extended Gitmo-esque sequence that the director insisted on... yes, we all remember how important Rendition was. Well, that's what I heard, anyway. Gotta run! Please direct all serious inquiries to my webmaster. But dumb it down a bit. He's still in high school.

Post-Oscar wrap-up, free-style...

This is a tragic day for all Americans. I'm referring, of course, to my pathetic score in this year's Oscar pix. The fact that I didn't comment on it til now only compounds the tragedy. But I'm occasionally man enough to admit when I'm wrong. Final tally: 63 points out of a possible 111. Man, I couldn't even get THAT right! I assumed it was 120. There's 24 categories times 5 nominees. Normally it would be 120 in that perfect world, but there's a couple categories in which 3 were nominated, (mostly special effects and editing stuff) and this year there were 4 nominees for Best Short Subject Documentary. WTF, Oscars? No one wanted to cover the Holocaust some more? See because, it seems like... ah, skip it. Maybe four is normal, I don't know.

Bottom line, I was blindsided by the snowballing effect of Slumdog Millionaire's critical and audience appeal. It was indeed the underdog this year, and the people wanted the feelgood story to win, as opposed to the quizzically depressing, blatantly Oscar-worthy material. What's that old saying about a lotus flower springing from the least sanitary public toilet in the world? It was a tough call, but in the end, we're all winners. Sean Penn came as a shock to me. I thought it would be too soon for him to win again. Now he's just an Oscar glutton! And people forget. He used to be a tough guy, beating up paparazzi and what not. No, I was really out of it this year. Next year I vow to pay attention to the Golden Globes. I didn't think Penelope Cruz would get it, but I guess this is Oscar's way of giving a big F.U. to Almodovar. Or is that F.Y.? Kinda like giving Spielberg the Best Director Oscar for Saving Private Ryan, but the Best Picture Oscar to ... whatever else won that year. I've never seen such nose-thumbing like this!
As for Costume Design, well, I just shoulda made The Duchess my first pick. I was assuming a Benjamin Button sweep. Boy, was that way off. For editing, I thought I picked the most headache-inducing film. Way off again. No, with all the running around those guys in Slumdog end up doing... I just shoulda known. That's what I get for not doing my homework. Man on Wire was easy. Rarely does a documentary generate buzz outside of whatever tight circle these films are normally kept in. And even though the guy was French, and even though it once again revived the memory of the Trade Towers, it had buzz and acceleration, or whatever other qualities the Oscar community craves. I doubt if they liked it so much when Frenchy jumped up on stage for his own little aggrandizement. Show a little dignity, will ya? Just because a documentary is about you doesn't mean you get to run up onto the Oscar stage. Look at that Breathing Lessons guy! They made an Oscar-winning documentary about him, and he attended the ceremony, but you didn't see HIM running up on stage, did you? Damn right!... oh, wait. Bad example. As for you, Kuras, good job on the Oscar nom, but I'm afraid it's back to the day job: as one of the lone chicks of the ASC. Your numbers are growing, slowly and surely. Keep on a clappin' and a loadin', gals!
As for Animated Film of the Year, well, I'm just glad it wasn't Brad Bird again. Isn't two enough for you, you pig? But Pixar once again takes the gold home, beating out Dreamworks PDI and... Disney? Oh, this just will not do. This Oscar aggression will not stand, man! Okay, back to my homework. Enough fun.

Auteur Watch - Kevin Greutert

Greutert, isn't it?
Did'ja get it? See because, in all those Tex Avery cartoons... ah, skip it. But it's true after all: Hollywood dreams really do come true! I mean, we're about to be bought by the Chinese, the hole in the ozone is making a comeback, and there's a pile of trash floating in the ocean that's twice the size of Texas, but on the bright side, Saw 6 has a director! And it's the grandson of sculptor Henry Greutert, and his name is Kevin. Not the usual case of nepotism at work here, as this poor bastid's had to claw his way up the Hollywood corporate ladder as, not an editor, like Stuart Baird or Saul Bass or whoever else has made that switch, but as ASSISTANT editor. Everyone loves a unique story. Yes, assistant editing such masterpieces as Donnie Darko and Inspector Gadget, he's run the emotion gamut. Everything from Titanic to Frank McKlusky C.I., everything from Red Corner to Ernest Scared Stupid, he's done it all, baby. Naturally, like all great artists, at some point, slaving over a hot Avid, getting high off that film glue, he thought to himself, hell! I could direct one of these turkeys myself. Then I'll be the man and the editor will be my bitch! First bitten by the directing bug in 2003 with the deliciously ironically titled Pilgrim's Regress, it's been uphill ever since. Not quite able to do the directing thing full time, he's been with the Saw franchise ever since it first started, and with A-list actors no less! Danny Glover and Cary Elwes? I mean, Shawnee Smith rocked the 80s and all, but you think the Saw franchise would get someone! Michelle Pfeiffer in a guest star role? Or how about Quentin Tarantino? He likes this kind of junk. But even though Greutert is only directing Saw 6 and not editing it, I know he's going to get the best in the biz, maybe an Anne Coates or a Neil Travis. How about Michael Kahn or Deborah Nadoolman? I mean, Thelma Schoonmaker. I always get those two mixed up.

The decade begins again...

How so, you may ask? Well, in 2001, a little movie called The Fast and The Furious appeared, and it raced into people's hearts and minds. And Vin Diesel was the top box office draw for a while, as people went to gas up their cinema-charged hearts on things like XXX and Knockaround Guys.
Oh, I've got more!... actually, that's all I got. But for my image this week, instead of finding a new one of the perenially bald Vin... how Jim Carrey got that new gig as Curly is beyond me... I happened upon something far more interesting, even though it features neither Vin nor hunky co-star Paul Walker. No, it's a make-out chart of Hollywood. Well, what can I say? I'm easily surprised. And just when I thought I've seen everything, here's a Vin diagram.. sorry, a Venn diagram of... or, what would you call it? A bubble chart? With some type of link, connecting people who have ever locked lips in Hollywood. If they had Fred Armisen on the chart, it would get quite thrown off indeed, because he'd be connected to Will Forte, Bill Hader and Andy Samberg, and we can't have that, can we? Which reminds me: I don't remember exactly where I got this chart, and if I were making it up I probably would've done everyone a favor and just omitted Tom Green altogether. I don't think even the free-spirited Drew would mind that.
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Anyway, a winning franchise carries on: (The) Fast and (the) Furious (part 4) vacuums up way WAY too much money at the box office this weekend. Guess some things ARE worth waiting for! And as for director Justin Lin, well, it's a long way from Better Luck Tomorrow, but those kinds of things tend not to pay the bills, as you've no doubt found out. You and John Singleton. In 2nd place, MvA; no surprise there, but alas, it ain't breaking any speed records of note yet. I guess The Dark Knight is still fastest to 200 million... for now. Wait a couple years until inflation goes up a little more. The Haunting in Connecticut is at #3, surpassing EVERYONE's expectations, and I bet Hartnett's kicking himself now! Knowing and I Love You, Man round out the top 5, and I bet ILYM hates being in Knowing's shadow all this time, just like Bob hates being the Omega Weinstein to Harvey's Alpha all the time.
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At #6, it's Adventureland, and I gotta say a big OUCH! for Greg Mottola. Sorry, pal, but they can't all be Superbad. Maybe you needed a flashier ad campaign. Superbad had the old Columbia logo. Why didn't you do something like that again? Too predictable? Too soon? I guess people saw the poster, looked for Judd Apatow's name and said to themselves, well, if Apatow's name ain't in the producer list, it must be kinda G.A.Y., so who needs that? Well, you know how fickle and sexist American audiences are, right?
As for the rest, Duplicity, Witch Mountain... 12 Rounds, oh please. Another triumph for WWE Films. Maybe they can collaborate with Big Idea while they're at it. And finally, from the producers of Little Miss Sunshine comes Sunshine Cleaning, but somehow I'm thinking this isn't going to be the darling of the lower half of the box office like Little Miss Sunshine was for lo those many weeks in 2006. But, maybe they're advertising on Nickelodeon or some other high profile place I'm not aware of. They haven't cornered the Gmail Flash ad market, that much I know. Not like Katiefun789; she must've hooked up with some lucky bastid by now! Better get back to my homework...

Short Reviews - March 2009

But before we get started, didn't I just see Troy Beyer in a Fidelity commercial? Anybody know how to get a hold of her about this? And on top of that, I saw the most shocking thing a couple days ago: A Martinez in a soap opera. Yes, THE A Martinez. And not L.A. Law, even! No, apparently, it's One Life to Live. I missed the title at the gym. Well, it's a long way from Powwow Highway, but it's work. Apparently he's done quite a few. Shows you what I know. On to the reviews.

You're Welcome, America - Well, as the Onion said about W., somehow it doesn't skewer Dubya enough. I mean, it was nice and all that they showed a big photo of a penis that is supposed to be Dubya's. I guess that's still edgy. But you know you're in trouble when you're thinking of better jokes that they could have had, and should have had. Hence this month's graphic. In case it needs explaining, there was a recent list ranking Presidential greatness, and Dubya's moving up fast from last place to 36th. Right ahead of William Henry Harrison and James Garfield, as he probably should be. But what will this list look like in 5 years? 20? 100? A thousand, dare I ask? Well, if it were up to Karl Rove and like-minded folks, it might look like the instant case. Okay, fair enough, but what about FDR and JFK and even Bill Clinton? As the Rove type would explain, they're in the middle of the list because NO ONE looks at the middle of the Presidential Greats list! Just the top and the bottom. No, the great Democratic presidents deserve the middle of the list where they will hopefully be forgotten FOREVER! HAHAHAHAHAHA... Okay, enough fun.

Bart Got a Room - I dare say it's worth it just for William H. Macy's hairdo.

Be Kind, Please Rewind - That movie doesn't sound well. I think it should have some chicken soup.

Be Kind Rewind - Was I the only one who didn't like this movie? ...just checked. Good. My faith in humanity has been restored.

Human Nature - Too weird. Even for a hardcore Patricia Arquette fan like myself.

Weekend at Bernie's 2 - They skewered it on Seinfeld. On the other hand, it was written and directed by Robert Klane, who wrote the script for Where's Poppa directed by Carl Reiner, whose son Meathead produced Seinfeld! But where's Kevin Bacon while all of this incestuousness is going on?

Troll 2 - Didn't I do this one already? Oh, what the hell. Every bad film is unique in its own way. I don't know who a film like this is a bigger nightmare for: an assistant director, or a steadicam operator. From what little I could stand to watch, it looks like what happens when you end up having to film a 90 minute film in one house in ONE DAY. Running from room to room is about it if you're supposed to do an action film. And maybe it's just me, but the ending seemed like an afterthought...

Fanboys - I like the way this film thinks! In fact, let's ALL break into the Skywalker Ranch...

"Five Days" - Best new British comedy on HBO.

Two Lovers - After seeing Joaquin on Letterman, it's a MUST SEE!

Yonkers Joe - Title alone, it just can't be good...

Get Him to the Greek - A half of a sequel to Sarah Marshall? Can they do that?

The Three Stooges - Johnny Depp Benicio Del Toro as Moe and Sean Penn as Larry! I love it! Don't let that casting go to your heads, Farrellys. In other words, just cuz they're in this one doesn't mean they're going to do voices for Osmosis Jones 2.

The Sweetest Thing - A while ago, it was reported that Cameron Diaz was trying to buy back some naughty photos she did before her career took off. You know, what with all the work she does for Nickelodeon and the kids, and the popularity of Princess Fiona and all. Me myself, I'd be a little more worried about The Sweetest Thing.

Miss March - Oh, Hef. You've produced better garbage than this!

Ax Men - Can't you guys find some form of work a little more intellectually stimulating than cutting down trees?

Scream 4 - Oh yeah! And you thought it was over. No, it just took a decade off to find itself.

Knowing - Actually, some of those special effects look pretty good. They look different, anyway. A lot of these special FX pictures are getting a little too homogenized these days.

Rich in Love - Wayne Frobiness? Great name!

Thick as Thieves (2009) - Mimi's back, baby!

Quantum of Solace - Dang! They're promoting the DVD / Blu-Ray release (March 24) as though it's just coming out in theaters! So THAT's where the budget went!

The Haunting in Connecticut - Best anti-smoking ad I've seen yet.

Observe and Report - Say what you will about Paul Blart: Mall Cop. At least it was slightly ahead of the curve.

The Foot Fist Way - Makes Balls of Fury look like a comedy

Observe and Report - Boy, has Legendary Pictures fallen on hard times. They did Superman 5 and The Dark Knight. I hope they didn't spend 100 million on this!

"I Can't Believe I'm Still Single" - Have you SEEN Wirey Spindell?