Auteur Watch - Jon(athan) Kasdan

Gotta keep it short this week, what with the homework and all. Sigh. To be doing this on a part-time non-salaried basis. Anyway, I was originally going to profile Lawrence Kasdan, as he comes next in our Alphabetical Auteur Parade, but that would require a long detailed history. So I figured maybe Jake Kasdan would take less time, but look at that resumé! He's practically an old hand at this racket himself. (My God! They look alike!!)
Which brings us to Jon Kasdan. Nice short resumé, but clearly, also born with the talent gene. Writer, actor, director. He's like three people all in one body. He had a bit part in Barry Sonnenfeld's Big Trouble. I still don't understand the connection between the Sonnenfelds and the Kasdans. Barry never shot any of Larry's films. They did both use Owen Roizman at one point. Maybe that's it: they have a nice non-working relationship. Still doesn't explain why a water tower with the name "Kasdan Metalworks" explodes in Wild Wild West, though. Now, what kind of a tribute is that?
But back to the man of the profile. Regarding film actors, I always look at their list of credits, and I can't help but wonder which film they'd prefer not to have on it. As an actor, I wonder what Jon would prefer to scrub from his resume: Slackers or Dreamcatcher. If I were him, I'd remove Dreamcatcher. Oh, snap! I'll have to watch I Love You to Death again. Man, he was just a sprout back then!
I'm looking at that resume of his, and I get worried: no projects in development. At least Jake's got something. Jon's got nothing! But he'll always have In the Land of Women. Nice to know that the son of a famous writer/director can still get a decent cast for his freshman feature debut... if it was 1993! Am I right, Onion and Village Voice? Good grief. But getting Meg Ryan to be in your movie is still a triumph... oh, right.

"Well, you gotta spend money to make money, Lou."

You know, sitting here as I am, broken-hearted, had to... I mean, it's midnight, I've got the window open on this hot summer-esque eve, semi-communing with nature, until it takes a nightmarous turn when I hear the primordial struggle played out on the front yard. Sounded like a raccoon trying to eat a baby rabbit. Anyway, I couldn't help but think, man! This week's box office has probably got a billion dollars worth of budget in it! Night at the Museum 2, Star Trek, and X-Men all cost 150 million apiece, Terminator 4 cost 200 million, and Lord knows how much Angels & Demons cost. (See how I did that?) I'm sure Monsters v. Aliens was no low-budge indie affair. These PDI/Pixar things typically aren't. Doogal, on the other hand, was literally done on an Altair 8800.

On the cheaper side, Obsessed and 17 Again cost 20 million apiece, and Dance Flick clocks in at 25 million. God bless the frugal! Meanwhile, Milan Trenc and Greg Glienna are at the bar, drinking together. Oh yeah, I used to be in the movies. It's a tough racket. This is the highest of high stakes poker, my friend.
So, for all that money spent, let's say about 800 million dollars, they only raked in 211.85 million this week at the box office. Unfortunately, there's only so much of it to go around. Thank God it only goes to the top 1% or so. Wouldn't want to have a strong middle class in this country! People that might actually go to SEE these damn things. From a statistical point of view, more movies are sharing the lion's share than ever before. I try to remember to keep an eye on where the 10 million dollar cutoff is... This week, the top 5 made at least 10 million! ...I don't know how rare that is. Sigh. Back to the old drawing board.

Auteur Watch - Jon Jost

Now THAT'S what I call an Auteur! The kind of guy you're probably not going to be taught about at USC film school. No, no, better things await you, my pets. Or all you Cal-Arts grad with your 3 minute Pixar wannabe under your arm, or on a WD External Hard Drive. It'll take you about seven to ten years to get that PDI/Pixar feature you so desperately crave. Hopefully you won't have to settle for anything less, or for something like Hoodwinked 2.
But I digress as usual. Frankly, I don't know much about Jon Jost, and after reading what little about him I could scrounge up, sounds like he'd rather be left alone anyway. Man, that dude's worse off than Matthew Meshekoff! ...okay, you got me. Not that bad. Still, he would've been better off marrying Catherine Breillat from the sound of his personal life.
But as with most of you, Jon first appeared on my radar with All the Vermeers in New York which, if nothing else, taught me that living with an opera star is not all that it's cracked up to be. It's not Aida all the time, in other words. More like AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDA!!!! Holding your ears because of the annoying exercises they have to do to stay limber. But this film is a sneaky disguise. Apparently he's more of a country boy, filming the bulk of his films in Oregon, Montana, Utah, places like that. The video store I used to go to religiously has most of his back catalog, but on VHS. Sigh. Gotta drag out the DVD burner from deep storage.
As for what his favorite decade might be, well, a complex guy like that is probably not going to favor the 90s, or the decade he finally had his mainstream breakthrough in. No, it's probably the go-go 70s (bell bottom afro wigs, disco music, cocaine flowing like wine, yeah yeah yeah...) when he was just starting out, living in a cabin in Montana for two years with no running water or electricity. And no, his neighbor WASN'T the Unabomber... or was it? Could this be his piêce de rësistancé? My Dinner with Uni? Hell, he's already ripped off Five Easy Pieces with his sequel, 6 Easy Pieces. Why stop there? But he'd better hurry. In 2013 he's going to be SEVENTY! Oh, so depressing. And I thought everyone was turning forty: Jeniston, Yasmine... Carson Daly? No, not Carson Daly. He'll be around forever. How cool is that? ...Don't answer that!

Jon Jost on IMDb
Jon Jost on Wikipedia
...and really, what more do you need?

Photo Not Available

I'm not juiced in like the real movie critics, and am not up to my ears in free studio swag, but I did find this photo on the intranets, which in retrospect is more in line with the philosophy of the first one (Da Vinci Code), but I'm slightly comforted by the fact that the die is now cast, and it's too late to do anything about it.
Now, if my crackerjack research is correct, Angels & Demons: The Da Vinci Code Part 2 is the only debut this week! Well, a director's gotta be a little proud of that, anyway. All those other films gasping for air, trying to claw their way out of that hungry hole in the ground from Return of the Jedi, but in the final analysis, there's one film to rule them all... if only by 5 million dollars. Star Trek in close second. I think the Supreme Court's gonna stay clear of this recount, though.
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Other films that were at #1 are hanging on as best they can: Wolverine at #3, Obsessed at #5, 17 Again at #6, and Monsters vs. Aliens at #7, which is almost across our $200 million barrier. And it's probably making a killing in the rest of the world. It's in its eighth week on the Top 10. Still haven't seen it, though. Looks WAY better than Space Chimps. No offense, Putty.
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As for the rest, ugh. GGP never did reach #1, but I guess the ads could say it was the #1 romantic comedy. But it may be unfair to the rom-com genre: I noticed that Roger Ebert in his review wondered aloud that women in this day and age would view this guy as a carrier of STDs. Man! Talk about a buzzkill. I thought that's what rom-coms were all about! Just wait until ... The Proposal comes out. No, not that one, the other one ... The Ugly Truth, that's it.
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Oh, Next Day Air's almost gone, but surely cult status awaits. Earth's almost gone, as well as that documentary about it. Goodbye, baby ducks! Which leaves The Soloist. It's a little early in the year for blatant Oscar bait, but I think this is surpassing everyone's expectations. Four weeks in the Top 10! Nothing to sneeze at.

Love me Two Titles, Babe!

The Doors? Anyone? Never mind. The point being, even you, Van Sant, you can't have two title cards in one movie. Stay with the small one, it's more prestigious, and it's a slap in the face to all those watching it on older, smaller TVs, in letterbox, making it even smaller. Look at me; I must be dodging the issue here. Well, does it make me a bad person if I didn't absolutely love the movie? Yes it does. I just happen to think it's one of those four star movies that belong in the pantheon of those other four star movies that you saw once in school when you were a kid, but now that you're all growed up, haven't sat down and re-watched it with adult eyes and appreciated it anew. To Kill A Mockingbird comes to mind, as does Lawrence of Arabia, Gone With the Wind, Judgment at Nuremberg, what have you. Of course, film geeks in the future might lump this in with all those Westerns where white actors play Indians with makeup on. They'll say, you know, James Franco and Sean Penn weren't really gay. Guess Van Sant wanted a big name star. He couldn't get it made with, say, Mario Cantone in the lead, or Trent Dawson from As The World Turns. YGTI.
But at least the film bucks the usual trend of 70s movies. Remember, the 70s wasn't all good for everyone. It wasn't all disco and big afro hair and bell bottom trousers. We still had some serious progress to be made. As bad as today looks, at least we have Federal anti-discrimination legislation. The film probably should've pointed that out at the end, in addition to the usual What Happened to Everyone.
As for the acting, it's top drawer as you'd expect. Sean Penn IS Harvey Milk. However, the DVD doesn't have an extra feature with a clip of the actual final Milk audio tape. Must be on the Blu-Ray, but I'm sure it's exact. Franco does okay, but I don't think he'll be able to hang out with Danny McBride anymore. And Josh Brolin, I couldn't help but be reminded of his work in American Gangster, and not just because he's working again with DP Harris Savides. His Dan White is just a regular Joe like most ex-cops turned politicians, trying to cope in a changing world that he's a little too stiff to understand. The uncool Dan Whites of the world, longing to fit in with the cool Harvey Milks. And for once, a film gives voice to that tiny minority who can legislate their own pay raises, because, let's face it. The power's okay, but it's at a lower level on the Totem pole and it still don't pay the bills! Here's hoping that 2007 wasn't to Josh Brolin what 2001 was to Josh Hartnett. No, I have a feeling Brolin's work will be a little steadier than that. Oh, and a shout out to the new Ellen Page, and her name is Alison Pill. Good name. And she's far from a pill in this movie, lemme tell ya. Look out, Anna Paquin, 'cuz she's got your number, too!
And I'm sure I would be remiss as a renowned film scholar if I didn't say that this was the film that Gus Van Sant has been leading up to his whole career, whether he knew it or not. The gay Mississippi Burning, if you will, or close enough to it. Although I bet he had to tone down all the dudes makin' out. I didn't see the deleted scenes, but there was probably more plot stuff there anyway. I'll confess it's not what I usually see, although it is on some of the soaps now, to be fair. I mean, I like making out as much as the next guy, but sometimes in life you gotta run for office instead. And you gotta give people hope, and give people like Anita Bryant hell.

****
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Slumdog Superhero?

Let me just say this about the re-booted Hulk: he's sure got nice teeth!
And let me just say this about Hulk director Louis Leterrier: he knows his stuff! I thought he was just another Luc Besson hired hack, but no. I was thinking of Chris Nahon. I don't know if this is the kind of thing I'd see a second time, but there was something about the plot structure that made it interesting. One probably would be loathe to call this an actor's movie, especially Edward Norton. But he does well as the put-upon Bruce Banner, and after a while it started to bug me that this guy doesn't enjoy his life more. Plenty of lesser beings out there who wouldn't mind being the Hulk, and get more than a big kick out of it. Come to think of it, Tim Roth for me probably had the best part, and he was in danger of tearing the plot down by pointing out that he was put in harm's way not knowing what he was up against. William Hurt plays Gen. Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross. The fact that the movie didn't make this name more apparent, well, I consider it a lost opportunity. He's quite interesting in the part, let's put it that way. When he first appears, you won't recognize him, frankly! How'd they do that? Is it just the hair? And I'm saying this as a fan, but Arwen somehow just didn't work. She seemed fine in the trailers and in the clips they played on the review shows, but somehow she brings the movie to a halt whenever... well, to be fair, whenever she thought she could tame that beast known as the Hulk. Why, the very Battle of the Sexes is right there on the screen, is it not, ladies? The put-upon Beauty, and her giant dumb Beast. Oh, she just can't take him anywhere!
Another thing I was disappointed about. Everyone made it a point to call this a reboot. Oh, it's a reboot. It's the Hulk done right. The way the Hulk should be done. None of that fruity James Schamus Oedipal Complex crap. And yet, where does this start off? Where THAT one left off! South America! Not exactly the clean break I was led to believe this was. Anyway, so the action starts off in Brazil, and let me just say. I'll be the first to admit I'm prejudiced, but I'm glad I don't live in that neighborhood. Nary a plant in sight. A whole mountain of nothing but houses! Somehow, it just can't be good. So Bruce Banner's there in Brazil, working at the local bottling plant. And of course, there's bullies. Always with the bullies. The group of bullies who would take the hot chick away from him. It's a little bit like Spider Man: working class hero, picked on by the bullies, caught in an incestuous, insidiously close love triangle. The hero must temper his superpower for fear of hurting his close circle of friends. Good plotting. And again, a better reviewer than me would know why this is, probably those bastards over at the World Socialist Web Site, but there's something about the simplicity of the plot that worked for me, and for my close friend whose opinion I trust who always complains that today's action movies are too convoluted, and not clearcut enough. This one's pretty clearcut, not too convoluted... and plot holes galore. I'll leave those for you to drive through. Seems to me, though, that the General gets away with a lot of Army actions on native soil that would get HIM thrown in Gitmo, but that's just nitpicking.
Two funny parts worth mentioning. One: I guess this won't be too much of a giveaway, as you saw it in the commercials. Ed Norton is dropped from the helicopter to battle the Abomination. In mid-flight he doesn't turn into the Hulk like he thought he would, and he says "Oh, shi..." The other part: in the big final battle, at one point the Hulk is calm, kind of shrugs, then gets mad again. And of course, when the Hulk finally speaks... well, that's a fanboy moment if there ever was one. That, and Stan Lee's big cameo, as always. I liked him better in Spider Man 2, I think. Oh, snap! And of course, I'm always a sucker for a film that's got that old-timey 1970s Panavision look to it, which this does. Good on ya, Menzies Jr.! Bet that added about 30 million to the budget, ma'am!

***1/2
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Peter Jackson

I know we're not supposed to say it, but I miss the old, fat Peter Jackson. Or rather, the young fat one. He's a little bit older now, probably a little bit wiser. Now that he's finally got that King Kong itch out of his system, time to get back to the career proper. Directorially, The Lovely Bones is still all he's got on the ol' roster. I'm just sayin' four years is a long time to be out of the game, even for a guy like you, buddy. You shoulda had this out by Christmas 2007 at least. But I guess all the computers in the world can't make these movies any faster, just better looking. And with trusty companions Fran Walsh and Philippa Boyens by his side, there's nothing he won't be able to achieve. He took my advice and finally gave Stephen Sinclair the heave ho for good. I told you he was holding you back, man!
And statistically speaking the LOTR trilogy is working out about like I thought. They're all of course still in the IMDb Top 250, with Return of the King at #14 (Mad Magazine: The Rehash of the Thing), Fellowship at #20 (Fellowship of the Blecch?), and The Two Towers at #33. (Mad Magazine: The 2 1/2+ Hours) Shawshank back at #1? Oh, puh-leeze. How many phony aliases can Darabont concoct? There's nothing better than The Dark Knight! Anyway, so Jackson took that four year break to make The Lovely Bones. What, did he start his own DreamWorks or something? Close enough: he's producing Spielberg's latest franchise in the making: Tintin. Looks like Spielberg's finally had it with ILM and Skywalker Ranch and everything. Apparently even HE wasn't crazy about that last Indiana Jones movie, but I didn't think it was THIS severe! Not severe enough to switch effects houses and everything! So Jackson's got a full plate producer-wise... producerially speaking? That doesn't sound right. Anyway, I still believe in you, Jackson. Come back to the director's chair soon. No matter what the naysayers say. Still, even though you have the chance now to make Bad Taste the way it was supposed to be made, with a $100 million budget and all... I'd try to move on to the next thing. But that's just my opinion (IMHO?). You're the Jack Brown Genius, not me, and your Silver will be remembered for years to come.

I ... CAN'T ... Believe It!

Actually, I can. Star Trek at #1, who knew. And next week it'll be Angels & Demons, and the week after that... Angels & Demons again, but Night at the Museum 2 will be in close second. Mark my words. Still, something about them swapping out Jonathan Frakes for J. J. Abrams troubles me. This J.J., he's like a Michael Bay clone somehow. And the new cast seems to be pulled from a GQ photo shoot or something. But Nimoy was asked to come back. And of course Tyler Perry shows us all how it's done... or so I've heard. Haven't actually seen it yet, but no need! There's a SEQUEL in the works already! Hope it's as good as the first one!
Okay, so Star Trek's #1 this week and it's already at #62 in the IMDb Top 250. So, how about it, Trekkies? Is it good enough? That's what I want to know. I want to hear from the disgruntled Trekkies whose input was ignored at the various Coms and gatherings and what-not. Actually, scratch that. I get bugged enough with email requests as it is. You're free to leave me alone. But clearly, the economy's headed to a downturn. Look what was #1 last week! Wolverine with 85 million in the bank. Star Trek this week with only 75! Oh, how could Obama let this happen? But Wolverine does okay in second place with 26.4 mill. Pretty soon it just might overtake Monsters v. Aliens! It could happen, one's gotta hope. At #3, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past does what it can to muscle its way back up to the top, but fails miserably. I guess it's clearly beaten Obsessed at #4, but my man McC must be depressed about this nevertheless. He was much more beloved in the 90s, and no one cared if he smoked the ol' wacky tobacky. Now it's all the people want to see!
--As for the rest, don't care. Same ol' stuff. All that stuff I'm destined to walk by on the video shelves. But I will give a Shout Out to the other debut this week. There were but two: Star Trek and Benny Boom's film Next Day Air. Mos, you're gonna have to take a page from Ice Cube's book and do that PG-rated family copy your agent tried to show to you. Mike Epps, keep up the good work. Benny Boom! Stage name or not, what the heck are you going to direct next? If only this were the 80s, you'd be perfect for the next Rambo pic! Or maybe something with Arnold Schwarzenegger. He always used to be around cool explosions. Ah, nostalgia.

Auteur Watch - James Ivory

Guess this means Merchant is his Ebony! Oh, no he di'int! Sadly, Merchant threw off this mortal coil four years ago, so when Ivory eventually makes his way to the pearly gates, Ismail will be waiting for him, going "You bastard! It wasn't true love!" See, because as we all know, if a married couple is really in love, the second one will die exactly three days after the first one goes... Well, that's what I read on the web, anyway.
Yeah, he's been around forever but the first James Ivory film I ever saw was A Room With A View. And apparently, Daniel-Day Lewis has been trying to avoid being typecast in his role in that film ever since: the bookish nerd. When is he going to own up and play the role he was born to play? Bono! Scorsese could direct.
But I digress once again, and I certainly wouldn't be worth my weight in salt as a film aficionado if I didn't already know that Ivory has traditionally had two major collaborators: producer Ismail Merchant and screenwriter Ruth Prawer Jhabvala. They have 10 Oscar nominations between them, and Ruth won two! Craazy. One for Room with a View, and the other for Howards End, which I never saw. Heard it was good, though... actually, I heard it was a little far-fetched, but that must've been its heart. Little known fact: Jhabvala has written exclusively for Ivory's films! ...Madame Sousatzka? That bitch! I gotta go..................

Oh, What a WEEK I'M HAVING!!!

Splash? Anyone? Never mind. Guess I better throw in a "Bueller?" while I'm at it. Well, the big story at the box office this week is obviously Wolverine, but I'm more interested in that runner-up story, as you can see from this week's picture. But I will say this about Wolverine director Gavin Hood. Some may have questioned him as a choice for director, but I say he was more than perfect. Besides the powerful performance at the box office, consider his last film, Rendition. It's about what the title says it's about: we see a guy getting whisked off to a black site prison, and tortured, stripped naked, sprayed with a firehose, what have you. Wolverine: the title says what it's about: it's about the Wolverine, damn it! What more do you need to know?
Yes, I believe the kids refer to it as a "sausage fest." Lots of jolly jocular jocks in their jaunty box office jalopies this week. McC in 2nd place with his latest: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (GGP). He's up against Jennifer Garner in the instant case, and you'll notice that, unlike Sarah Jessica Parker and Goldie Hawn's kid, SHE's no pushover. She's a co-equal, like J. Lo in that Wedding Planner movie. Incidentally, how come J. Lo had to pose TWICE for that? What, did she get twice as much money as my man McConaughey? ...oh, apparently she did. Well, 1.8 is pretty close. That's still more money than I'll ever see in this life. And everyone's turning 40! So damn depressing. I've still got a couple years left to do it, though. Better enjoy it somehow.
Now you might be saying to yourself, well, Obsessed at #3 is a chick flick, so so much for that sausage fest theory of yours, Movie Hooligan! True, but I'd hardly call Obsessed a chick flick. Obsessed is yet another reboot of Fatal Attraction, and Fatal Attraction and all its ilk is not a chick flick. Steel Magnolias is a chick flick. How to lose an American Quilt in 10 Days is a chick flick. At #4 it's 17 Again. Also not a chick flick. Might as well end the motif here, so let's jump around the list a little bit. Monsters v. Aliens at #5, well, that's for the whole family. Wide appeal, and with the box office in the bank to prove it. And BTW, Donal Logue's not even in the movie, so he shouldn't get to siphon off its popularity by having his photo taken at the premiere... something like that. The Soloist? Another guy flick; two mid-life crises, blah blah blah. Fighting? Blatant sausage fest movie, a soap opera for guy pugilists. Young guys doing young guy things like skateboarding and punching each other with closed fists. State of Play, close enough. Between Russell Crowe and Ben Affleck, there's enough manliness there to fill several stadiums. I notice that Matthew Michael Carnahan did the screenplay, which means that the miniseries had some nuance that brother Joe couldn't handle... Then again, not that much.
That leaves Earth and Hannah Montana. I don't imagine too many manly men going to see Earth, but that's just my biased opinion. As for Hannah Montana, well, somehow its ethic seems to appeal more to guys than to the chicks. I mean, how many chicks out there can really, REALLY relate to Miley's plight in life? Being all beholden to Walt Disney's cryonically frozen head and all like that? Man, I wouldn't wish that upon anybody. Anybody except maybe Walt himself. Damn, I'm tired. Maybe I can fall asleep, though, but I gotta make it quick. If I miss the sleepytime train now, there won't be another one pulling in to my station until about 4 a.m. Why is that, Plavolex?

Well, I saw the damn thing, so I might as well review it! Dept.: Fuel

Why not take a page from Mad magazine for once. Well, while I'm sitting here, slaving over a hot statistics book, not absorbing it, I might as well take an all-too-brief time out to do something fun. Isn't that the motto of today's world? If you do what you love, then everything works out. So, what happens if you're not having fun? And what about all those jobs out there that have to get done and people have to do that, uh, frankly, AREN't fun? A lot of the people in Slumdog Millionaire sure didn't look like they were having fun. Which tangentially brings me to Josh Tickell, enthusiastic spokesman for biodiesel... I mean, dispassionate scientist. Sorry about that. First of all, I ain't never heard of this dude. But, he did manage to bag Larry David and Larry Hagman to be in his little documentary here, so he MUST be big. Yes, this casting director turned Michael Moore wannabe apparently drove across the country in a car run on the used cooking oil from McDonald's and its ilk. I do remember seeing a film just like this about 12 years ago where two women did the same thing. Yes, they were lesbians... or were they? Of course, does that really matter? Is that all you people care about? Sheesh. Now, bear in mind, I'm no eco-doc aficionado, or whatever you'd call it, but I did see An Inconvenient Truth. So far, that's probably the gold standard by which all similar future docs will be judged. So, if Al Gore's one is, say, a 1.0, then I give Fuel a 0.7. Something like that. Somehow there's not enough novelty or showmanship to it, and frankly, there wasn't enough about his so-called drive across the country. And we can't ALL afford to be Josh Tickells, right? We can't all drop out of our 9 to 5 jobs, get green machines, and drive across the country, bringing peace and love and science and driving up to the drive-thru windows of America's fast food joints and say "Can I have your used cooking oil, please?" That would flood the marketplace! No one would take our country seriously anymore! Forgive me if I seem a little... I guess the word 'irritable' would be putting it mildly, but help is apparently on the way. Even though the biodiesel market hit a big snag, a very VERY big snag that seemed to put it completely out of business, change is coming, people. Things are happening. Entrepreneurs are using their big science-soaked brains to come up with the inventions that will invent us out of this mess, and maybe even improve the sorry state of the planet in the process. (fingers crossed) That whole biodiesel from algae business looks pretty cool. Then there's this other dude inventing some sort of plastic-eating enzyme. Between those two, the future almost looks livable. In general I was on board with the film's message, but that whole oil company having accidents on purpose, well, I think I need a little more info on that. I mean, all the trouble people had to go through to prove the evil plans of cigarette companies - that's what Tickell will have to do to back that one up. I guess it's not so hard to believe, but somehow the oil companies don't seem to be in the same league as Halliburton and KBR. But that's just me. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm just naive. And maybe I'm in a lot of trouble. First Amendment, don't fail me now! Oh yeah, nice computer graphics too, but would it have been too much trouble to give them another pass through Renderman? That's all I got. 

*** 

-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Short Reviews - April '09

Oh, Ridge! How could you? Oh wait... this makes him look good. Incidentally, have they outed Henry Coleman on As the World Turns yet? I can't wait forever! That's what I get for going to the gym. Now I know I'm forgetting something... MY TAXES! 'Scuse me a minute or two ...phew, that was close.
Winnie Cooper got married not long ago, and there was a big deal about it. Just on the web, I guess. But will Maxim, FHM and company show her the respect? Or better yet, just leave her alone? Probably not. Who was she again? Oh, right. The girl from The Wonder Years. Boy, some people look the same at any age. She turned out okay; what the ... happened to Lou Dobbs?


American High School - I haven't seen this much fanfare over a direct-to-video release since College (2008) ... close enough.

Obsessed (2009) - Remake of The Temp (1992). Careful, Beyonce, don't let this be for you what Crossroads was for Britney... Really? Christine Lahti? How did Schlamme not direct this? This is going to generate the same hoopla as Helen Hunt did in that one thing, where she was the lusty sexpot and ScarJo was the drab plain one!...

State of Play - Okay... so who got to be in both the movie and the TV show?...

Harsh Times - I know what the opening title credit was an homage to! Ultima III, right, gaming nerds?

Heckler - Son of the Mask is forgiven, Kennedy! Fox Searchlight has got a $200 million project you can screw up now!

Parks and Recreation - Don't care. Does that make me a bad person?

Rocky IV - As in, this series needs an IV! Heh heh heh... about 24 years too late, but what the hell.

Blonde Ambition(2007) - Kinda doesn't make Glitter(2001) look so bad!

Fighting - Sequel to Waiting?

17 Again - Prequel to 18 Again?

Next Day Air - It better be better than Soul Plane.

P-Star Rising - Oh, great. Just what we need: another Miley Cyrus.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past - Can't relate to it. All my girlfriends past are still alive and on facebook. Oh God, I love facebook. If there isn't a facebook in Heaven, it ain't Heaven. As for the film itself, it was written by dudes, of course. Doesn't sound like something that Jenniphr Goodman or Dana Fox or Nora Ephron or Elizabeth Chandler would tackle. But maybe Diablo Cody would!

James Toback's Tyson - For my money, there's only ONE Tyson, and THIS is it!!!!!

D.L. Hughley Breaks the News - PLEASE don't cancel this show, CNN!

Chocolate News - ...probably for the best. DAG doesn't like to be tied down to a successful show, anyway. He's too big for that. But did Damon Wayans show up as Silky Smoove?

Delta Farce - Oh, David... Your black friends will never let you live this down... On the other hand, all your new hick friends hail you as a GOD!

Street Kings - I meant to watch it, and I had it TiVo'd and everything, but it got lost in the shuffle somewhere. I did catch the homage to Point Break, though, with all that damn running. Oh yeah, all you Bodhi devotees know EGGS-actly what I'm talkin' 'bout, too! Shazayamn!

The Ugly Truth - Good double bill with Someone Like You.....

Death at a Funeral (2010) - Remake of Death at a Funeral (2007). This has got to be the quickest remake of a film ever. Know what I mean? I mean, it took 5 years to remake the Hulk, 20 to reboot Tim Burton's Batman, 6 to remake State of Play from a British TV series into a movie... I guess this means that Frank Oz is now an obscure British director! How does it feel, Bert?

Jack the Giant Killer - The way action comedies are going these days, this won't be about a Jack who goes around killing rogue giants, but about an actual giant killer, like another Ted Bundy with a sardonic wit and a glandular issue. Just what we need.

Fighting - The Rise of Channing Tatum... What can I say? I think I'm...

Obsessed - Makes Trois look like a classic. But Obsessed does look like it has camp value.

Krod Mandoon - Let me just say this about Krod Mandoon: I do like the voice of the chief bad guy's second in command. What we were trying to figure out is which flamboyant rich famous producer is behind this? Andy Serkis? Arnon Milchan? Mark Cuban? No!!! Just a buncha hasbeens! Damn, filthy hasbeens!

The Nail Gun Massacre - Sometimes it's fun to just look at the actors in a film to see how far off the beaten path they are in the biz. Yes, every once in a while, you come across a film that's a virtual backwater of talent, a lone swamp in the land of 10,000 lakes and ... Jerry Nelson? Of Muppets fame? No, no. Not Statler. Not Count Von Count. Not Dr. Bunsen. Not Dr. Julius Strangepork. Can't be. Gotta be a different guy.

Willie Dynamite - Then again, .........

And finally,

The Last Word - Indeed...

Auteur Watch - Alejandro González Iñárritu

Whew! Good thing I cut 'n pasted it. I'd never figure out all those accents. Our next in the yearlong Alphabetical Procession of auteurs, and it couldn't have come at a more exciting time. He's teaming up with Chigurh for Biutiful, his 2009 directorial release. Yeah, it's just not fair. Some guys have all the luck. He doesn't quite qualify yet for my Decades Theory, as the 2000s is his only decade so far. Here's hoping the 2010s are more bountiful at the Box Office, and more Gold-worthy at the Oscars.
I believe it was Roger Ebert, or the Oscar "reporters" who lumped him with Alfonso Cuaron and Guillermo del Toro, dubbing them The Big Three. Naturally I have to compare these guys to other directors: del Toro seems to be the Mexican Robert Zemeckis. I haven't placed Cuaron yet. He hasn't had enough hits to be the Mexican Steven Spielberg... He did one of the Harry Potter flicks so that should make him the Mexican Chris Columbus. Which makes Inarritu the Mexican Quentin Tarantino. Only handsome. But from what I can gather, Amores Perres follows the Pulp Fiction non-linear formula, and 21 Grams was even more so - almost to the point of non-entertainment. Again, what I've heard second hand. Haven't seen Babel, either. Man, what's up with me? I'm practically an illiterate for a so-called movie reviewer. But I do expect great things far, far into the future from Iñárritu. Maybe it's the Souter talking, but I think of him like a Supreme Court Justice of the cinema. He's got his whole life ahead of him, one theatrical release every three years for decades into the future, and just like John Roberts and Sam Alito he'll be around for a long, long time. Only in a good way. That's about all I got for this guy.