WDYWFU Cinema: Valkyrie

Now, I'll admit it. I'm not the most knowledgable guy in the world, and I don't know all my history when it comes to Adolf Hitler. I'm usually content with my share of his part in our national consciousness. Every once in a while someone like Marge Schott will attempt to disrupt the gyroscope but it always tends to find its way back to the stable center. No, it seems that Hitler and the swastika will always be a part of our lives. Sure, Mao Zedong killed more of his own people, and sure, Darfur and Kosovo were also sites of unspeakable horror, but Hitler is still the gold standard. You don't see too many neo-Stalinist groups as the focus of the Southern Poverty Law Center. So Valkyrie was a bit of an education for me. I didn't realize there were 15 attempts to assassinate Hitler. And people forget! The guy really hit his stride in his fifties. Born in 1889, he was the M.C. of the 1936 Olympics, which would have made him 46 or 47. Something to think about in our youth-obsessed culture.
Anyway, as I usually do, I'll take a contrary position, if only to try and get some publicity. Because I'm not exactly on the We Hate Tom Cruise bandwagon, for some reason. I'll spare you all my thoughts on Cruise, but MGM? Dude, what were you thinking? Seriously, I think it's time to sell that studio for scrap. Warner Brothers already's got some of their back catalogue. This isn't RKO or Hal Roach we're talking about here! This is one of the seven major studios! And they're just selling off their own catalog. They used to be the buyers. They bought up all of PolyGram's films once upon a time! Now Fox Atomic is even bigger than MGM today. What, is Dino De Laurentiis still that powerful? He must be the only one hanging on to those last few strands of cinema's golden years (about 1939-1962). He and Ted Turner.
But I digress. I'm pretty sure you still want that Oscar, Tom, but you've still got time to work on that. You may have to settle for an On Golden Pond-type scenario later in life, but if I had to give you one, I'd personally give it to you for Minority Report. Or Born on the Fourth of July, whichever you'd prefer. (footnote: I could've really been cruel and gotten a still from this one scene were Tom's got Marty Feldman eyes... but I couldn't get my digital camera in time. Damn!)
---
Personally, I'm still numb from this perfect storm of the post-CGI era and the rise and rise of the superhero ethic, so something semi-historical with some traditional camera moves would hit the spot right about now. And I guess Bryan Singer was the right man for the job. Hot off of Superman 5, this Will Ferrell-looking wunderkind-esque director was just about ready for anything... Not quite ready for Superman 6 just yet, but anything. His producorial duties on "Dirty Sexy Money" and "House M.D." apparently were on autopilot, so his energies could go to this tale of treason and patriotism and pricey, pricey set decoration full-bore. He has dealt tangentially with World War II in the past with the likes of Apt Pupil and Magneto of X-Men fame, so Singer was all too ready. And it does look pretty great in HD, I must say. Those German medals that Stauffenberg was handing out, oh you could reach out and touch 'em, you could.
And he does his best to keep this from being a superhero movie... unless you count the opening sequence as an Origin Scene. Damn it! We open with Claus von Stauffenberg losing his eye and much more in the desert... Africa? I've already forgotten.
One of the things people were complaining about is that no one speaks German, and there are no German actors. Well, the second one I'll get to later, but c'mon! This is for the American market! Just think of it as one of those bio-pics from the 50s with white people playing Indians by putting stuff on their faces. Besides, Cruise gives you about a minute of narration in German. And there are plenty of German words on buildings 'n sh... stuff! How many of you could read any of THAT?
The casting, I'll give you that. The one guy I really liked, however, is a German: Christian Berkel. He's about to undo all of it though by appearing in the upcoming Inglorious Basterds. Oh, get a room, guys. No, it's mostly Brits otherwise here, with cast members cribbed from the Pirates of the Caribbean series and from this thing on HBO... I'll find the name of it in a second... Conspiracy! That's it. (And also Zwartboek, as I just found out) And I guess that really was Theoden in the desert after all. I thought maybe it was that guy... you know him best as the guy on the plane on Seinfeld who Jerry dog-sits for. I prefer to remember him as the crusty but benign bishop from Sister Act. And of course as the mad doctor in a little piece of crap called The Evil That Men Do. No, he died eleven years ago, so it definitely wasn't him.
---
Guess I'd better move on to the script. Apparently not based on Pierre Galante's or any other book, Valkyrie is part of a growing trend of movies that have successfully quashed the source material. Lord of War comes to mind. Written AND directed by Niccol, my ass! He gives credit to the book later on, during the end credits. The WGA will surely hear about this!... they approved? Well, surely the Novelist Guild will... ah, screw it. But I will concede that perhaps it should've been a longer movie. It's a lot of story to cover in two hours with a lot of characters to develop along the way, and Valkyrie does about as good a job as a two-hour theatrical release will do.
Incidentally, has there ever been a movie based on a true story that isn't still gripping and exciting up until the very end? If there has, I don't want to know about it. All the President's Men, Good Night and Good Luck... they generally still make compelling watching because we get ... an inside perspective, to say the least. So perhaps I'm the wrong person to review this. And the 'Goofs' page is pretty long. But I was nevertheless sucked in as events proceeded after the device was detonated. As with most films of the last years of Dubya's presidency, can't you just taste the modern-day parallels?

***1/2
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Clio Watch - Summer '09

Yeah, the more I think about it, the older I get, the more I agree with that old, slimy bald bastard Norman Dello Joio that... oh, wait, not him. I think his name was Dello Joio. Anyway, he said two things. One, he let down the slick slimy Hollywood veneer long enough to remind us that the Germans "brought us World War II," and that commercials on TV are like little short films! We get this cool, little quirky kinduva short film festival every time we try to watch our favourite programs on TV. Thank God for TiVo. Because I mean, let's face it, short films can be good, but short films are like potato chips. You eat enough of 'em, and you feel like you're gonna throw up.
I may have said that already, but I'm trying to keep typing to keep the cat asleep. It seems to work. ¶ But let's get back to the task at hand here. As any good film director will tell you, the third time that old lady says "Where's the beef" is clearly the best one, the second one not so good. And even though we can whiz past virtually all the commercials in this day and age, sometimes something will catch your eye. Something that rises about two or three standard deviations above the mean, for all you statistics sickos out there who might be reading this. Also, if you frequent a gym like I've been lately... shocking, yes, I know. A film critic going to a gym? But unlike the comfort of your own home, at the gym no one can hear you scream ... the fiftieth time you see that same ad for the Slam Wow or the Shap Chop or Christie Brinkley's latest crazy-eyed adventure. So I just thought I'd take a little time here at the end of the month to reflect on some recent commercials that I'd like to recommend for the Clios... whenever they are.
But first of all, let's all bow our heads briefly for that fallen spokesyeller of late, Billy Mays... okay, that's long enough. Besides! He's like Anthony Quinn; he was brimming to the brim full of life. And he wouldn't have wanted us to be sad. He would want us to LIVE, LIVE, LIVE! EMBRACE LIFE TO THE FULLEST! LIVE EVERY DAY AS THOUGH IT WERE YOUR LAST! WHY WHISPER WHEN YOU CAN SHOUT? Also, in his honor I've broken all my drinking glasses and pasted them all back together with Mighty Putty. Why, I'm enjoying some nice delicious water right now! It tastes a little funny.... pgthtggaagaliswejhew9ur84 (head hits keyboard, falls asleep)

...where was I? Oh, right. Seriously, though, fast food and beer will often have the best commercials. Beer's been letting me down lately, though. That most interesting man crap? I did manage to catch that one line: "He speaks French... in Russian." Hel-lo? That's a joke the Simpsons might come up with. The most interesting man in the world... hasn't he sold himself out? Keeping his extravagant lifestyle going by living off the misery and the alcoholism of the masses? Stay thirsty and drunk, my friends. ¶ Meanwhile, Jack of Jack in the Box fame goes to a Costco-esque supermarket in his latest commercial. I love it. I can't help but smile at that last line. He sees someone buying a 200-pack of toilet paper and goes "Whoa! Someone's getting their fiber." Call it a guilty pleasure.
Oh, there's one commercial I'm definitely tired of. These Acura ads on the IMDb that I keep having to click to deactivate. At least I finally figured out that they need to be deactivated like that. But seriously, guys! I'm not buying an Acura! Leave me alone!
D'oh! This is what I get for not writing my thoughts down. I guess that's about it for the commercials. I did see recently that Naomi Watts got on the Directv bandwagon, doing a special pitch for them from her hit movie King Kong (2005). See, it's all part of this series: the hallmark of any successful commercial series. You gotta get sequels out of good commercials! That's (normally) the rule. But I would like to end with the following observation. Now, I hate to seem like I'm using this bully pulpit to further my stand-up comedy career, but there's this product called ExtenZe. It's one of those stupid male enhancement pills, and they've got this terrific commercial currently in rotation. It features a great example of what I think directors refer to as "framing." The spokesperson's at a gym. In the close-up, he's in the left half of the frame, and in the right half of the frame, a hawt young woman on a treadmill with her back to us, just stair-stepping away. She didn't appear to have a tramp stamp, but you get the idea. Genius, right? Why, you probably feel like going out and buying some ExtenZe right now, don't you? Just from my semi-lurid description of the proceedings? The more I think about it, the older and greyer I get, I'm beginning to realize: if you need some kind of pill or warming lubricant... okay, just a pill. I'll just focus on these male enhancement tablets. If you need something like that to have sex, or to just put you 'in the mood,' maybe it's time to hang it up, fella. Maybe it's Mother Nature's way of saying, time to move on to other, more constructive, hobbies, 'cuz sexual intercourse ain't one of 'em anymore. It's a young man's game!
Of course, I could be wrong. And it's probably just the jealousy talking, right, boys and girls? I gotta go. Damn, it's hot outside. And it's midnight!!! I'm not adjusted to this yet!

Short Reviews - July 2009

There was one movie that actually looked good, that I might want to see, but now I can't remember. Something other than Brüno. DEFINITELY NOT The Goods. (Sorry, Brennan, it's true. To be fair, I felt the same way about Let's Go To Prison.) Frankly, there's been a glut of movie trailers crowding out valuable TV ad space lately! I haven't seen anything like it in quite a while. The economy must be doing well again, especially with all this 'Stupidly' merchandise... hey, sometimes you just gotta make that lemonade to keep the economy going. It's the economy, Stupidly. (Hmm! Maybe I can use that over at Huffington Post and be hailed as a god for 30 seconds!... nah, too late. Besides, it attracts all the wrong people.)
Well, what a depressing end to a lousy month. On the other hand, nothing ever happens in August. I've seen too many of these A&E Biographies in a row, I'm afraid. De Niro, Pacino, Sean Penn, David Letterman. So many popular, famous, beloved celebrities entering their emeritus years with their charities. When is it Tom Green's turn? Anyway, drink plenty of water and other fluids. A couple more days of this heat wave, and some of us will be in the clear.

Michael & Michael Have Issues - So what?

Arthur - I'm trying to come up with the next "If you like Gina Kolata and getting caught in the rain..." Oh, I got a million of 'em, I tells ya. "He's the one they call Johnny Gielgud, he's the one whose acting is all right..."
...okay, I lied. That's the only one I got. Oh my God! He did the SEQUEL! What a faithful butler.

Funny People - I'm a little more intrigued,... but I still don't see 'Blockbuster' written ALL over it.

Danny Deckchair - What, you think you're better than Up?

"Parks and Recreation" - Has it been cancelled yet?

The Great Outdoors - The million dollar question: How does Annette Bening go from this to, say, Valmont? Or even The Grifters? Or as the new Columbia logo? I think we all know the answer to that one... TALENT, baby!

Swept Away(2002) - Castaway with Madonna.

Love and Death - Woody Allen's Barry Lyndon.

My Sister's Keeper - Jane Q?

Gooby - A combination of Goofy and Gumby?

Taking a Chance on Love: The Note II - Saw this while I was waiting in line at the store... oh, Ted McGinley. How far you've fallen. You used to be cool once, right? You were Stan Gable, for God's sake! You were Jefferson D'Arcy even! Oh, there are some who still remember...

Simon Says (2005-6) - For Crispin Glover, it's Friday the 13th Part IV - Part II. But this time, HE gets to be the Jason Voorhees! ...right? Ah, who cares. Close enough.

The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning (2007) - Direct-to-video sequel... how depressing. Willie Nelson was the only one to come back for it!

City Heat - What, not good enough for Blake to direct himself?

"Bite Me with Dr. Mike" - Aw, that's nothin'. This guy doesn't even let himself get bit by a bucketful of piranhas. Why, Steve-O got bitten by a shark and let it hang on for, like, a minute!... okay, a baby shark, but still.

Lassie(2005) - Really? Peter O'Toole in Lassie?

A Perfect Getaway - Another reality show on the big screen.

The Believer - It's either Henry Bean's The Klansman, or Henry Bean's Shock Corridor.

Michael & Michael Have Issues - Nope. Still don't care. If even David Wain doesn't want anything to do with this, how good could it be? Incidentally, how come so many shows on Comedy Central just aren't that funny?

Tosh.0 - Oh, this Tosh.0 kid's got fire in the belly. If he's smart, he'll find a little better vehicle and soon. Even Root of All Evil came to a premature end. On the other hand, how does Jeff Dunham make 30 million dollars in one year? It's just not right.

Funny People - It better be funny!

Julia - Second Oscar for Swilda?

The Turning Point - This got 11 Oscar nominations?

F.I.S.T. - S.U.C.K.S.

Mr. Brooks - The best thing to happen to Portland since The Temp.

(The) Orphan - Coolest kid ever.

"30 Rock" - Your story has become tiresome.

Cycle Psycho - I don't get it! No one from The Onion's reviewed this yet?

Copycat - Not much of a movie, but MAN, does it look great in HD!

Peter Ibbetson - Great title. I THOUGHT I remembered this one! Never saw it, mind you...

MacGruber: The Motion Picture? What, is it going to be 15 seconds just like the skits?

I Love You, Beth Cooper - I'm conflicted. Everyone reviewing this hates it, but Larry Doyle's an ex-Simpsons writer. And you gotta like Paul Rudd! He's... he's not in it? Oh, I'm sorry. His name is Paul Rust... who's Paul Rust? Well, to be fair, there were a lot of 27-year olds where I went to high school, too. As for Chris Columbus, well, why bother pretending you know what normal high schoolers are going through? Go back to your Bicentennial Men and your Harry Potters where you originally painted yourself into a corner.

Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief - That's more like it! :)

It Was a Dark and Silly Night - I don't know why, but I don't like Neil Gaiman. And I know I should, and I haven't read anything of his, so really, I shouldn't feel that way at all. Still...

Hot Tub Time Machine - See, this is exactly why, of the seven major studios, MGM is the omega studio. There's Paramount, Universal, Warner Bros., Disney, 20th Century Fox, Columbia, and MGM. I don't know who places sixth lately. But if MGM didn't have the Bond franchise, it'd have nothing. And even with Bond it teams up with Columbia and others. Why, Warners bought up Strange Brew, Gymkata, and a whole slew of its 80s catalogue. I'm tellin' ya, they're on their last legs! They're FINISHED!

Leprechaun - Some of Jennifer Aniston's best work.

Noise - Henry Bean's Saps at Sea.

The Room(2003) - Everyone's a critic...

The Stoning of Soraya M. - Wow! That was fast. Someone's done a documentary on that nice Hispanic lady who's going to be Obama's first Supreme Court Justice... oh, wait. Not her. That's Sonia S. I mean, ...

The Stoning of Soraya M. - From the genius who brought you the partisan Path to 9/11, comes The Passion of the Persian. But at least it's based on a true book. And who knows? He might never be welcome in Iran ever again, but it's a small price to pay to bring them into the 21st Century.

Amos & Andrew - Suddenly this is relevant again. I can't remember why...

Julie & Julia - Let me take a wild guess... Julie Powell's a pseudonym for ... Rachael Ray?

Year One and Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist - Boy! Talk about two mules from Michael Cera!

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly - I hate to cast aspersions. I know it's critically acclaimed and all, and I know Schnabel's a multi-faceted genius but ... the editor of Elle? Puh-leeze. What next? The editor of Cat Fancy magazine is bedridden with a terminal hairball? The publisher of Motocross magazine was in a freak dune buggy accident and has to have a muffler removed from his rectum? Mel Gibson makes The Passion of the Paparazzi, where a reporter for a movie version of OK! Magazine gets a Gypsy curse placed on them and they start losing weight and the only way they can lift it is by giving someone a cursed slice of Black Forest Cherry cake? Oh wait... hasn't that been done already?

What the heck, let's end on that one. 'night, Mother.

Auteur Watch - Conal O'Brien

Ah, close enough. Doesn't she look like she could be Conan O'Brien's sister?
Anyway, back to the auteur at hand. Nice try, Conal, but we ain't buyin' it. There's riding coattails, and then there's riding coattails. Conal first popped onto my radar screen when I was watching my stories at the gym. I didn't know Conan was directing soaps on the side to pay the bills! So I had to investigate right away. Turns out it's a different guy, and this dude's resumé is so small that the Decade Theory just can't be applied using the information we got! But the main thing is, he and we got All My Children. I'm just glad Erica Kane finally got that award she wanted so we could all stop caring about it. I'd like to think Conal had something to do with that.
As it turns out, Mr. O'Brien hasn't been completely loyal. With two stints directing for As The World Turns, he's obviously a turncoat who can't be trusted with show secrets. And he did have a stab at the silver screen with 1993's The Secret, not based on the best-selling book with the same name.
Why, even Jack Canfield thinks O'Brien's film is a piece of crap! Oh, it's too sad to contemplate. So let's all raise a glass to Dr. Conal O'Brien, our Auteur of the Week. And may you get to Heaven well before any of the soap opera stars you've directed... that might not be technically feasible. Just don't use them as references with the Almighty, that's all I'm saying.

Conal O'Brien at Wikipedia

It keeps my airways clear to help me breathe better all day long. And it's not a steroid.

It keeps my airways clear to help me breathe better all day long. And it's not a steroid. It keeps my airways clear to help me breathe better all day long and it's not a steroid. It keeps my airways clear to help me breathe better all day long and it's not a steroid. It keeps my airways clear to help me breathe better all day long and it's not a steroid...
Damn! I hate when that happens. Happens every time I watch CNN with the Mute on during the commercials. But let us leave behind the world of news, as we turn to the only news worth reading about: what happened at the U.S. Box Office this weekend. Or should I say... squeek-end? Never mind. And good ol' Disney, once again they prove that with about 40 million in TV advertising, they can still sell a PG movie to America's youth, as their latest, G-Force, hits the... G-spot? Sorry, I just wanted to try and beat the hipsters over at The Onion or The Village Voice to the proverbial punch. Go, Team Wibberley! And Team Elliot/Rossio and Firth/Yeatman. Dang! That's a lot of screenwriters to split the spoils of war, guys. Well, the Wibberleys are still on probation, I suppose. I'll try to check it out for you, Davy Jones. No, really, they wanted you for the part. Besides, Bruce Greenwood was unavailable, busy working on Racing Stripes 2.
Meanwhile, Harry Parter Pot 6 keeps chugging along at #2... I mean, casting its spell over an enthralled audience... worldwide in addition to the U.S., I would imagine! Let me try to stir up some arbitrage here... why, I think it's doing even better than Transformers! Making money wand over fist just about as quickly, but with more critical acclaim and less headache-inducing editing. Not that Transformers won't sweep the Oscars for editing and sound effects, of course. No one's questioning that. But all the mathematical modeling seems to suggest that Potter's going to last longer and claim more money than Tr2. I'm just saying... I'm just throwing that out there.
On the other hand, they don't have Megan Fox. Or Katherine Heigl at #3 with the latest shot fired in the Battle of the Sexes. And The Ugly Truth is finally released amidst thunderous applause. I thought July 24th would never come! Some are already saying this is the best homage to When Harry Met Sally of the season yet. Well, I hope you're happy, all of you out there drawing that comparison. You've made Gloria Steinem cry! Happy now? Can't you differentiate between two movies anymore? Clearly we've gone from the smart, erudite woman interrupting proceedings at a diner because she CHOSE to, to prove an intellectual point... to what is clearly a scene of date rape. And GANG date rape at that. And you all stood by and let it happen, throwing each other puzzled looks out of shame. Oh, what sad, barbaric, unenlightened times we live in. It makes me sad to be a blogger in this day and age.
--
Damn it, man. Pull yourself together, Movie Hooligan. Think... Next on the list at #4 is Orphan, or the latest horror flick from what SHOULD have been The Big Five. What happened, guys? I thought you were a team! Well, Donner's been busy with the X-Men series, and just generally enjoying his emeritus years before Mel Gibson ruins them completely. And Zemeckis, well, he's still descending into (the mouth of) Mo-Cap Madness; it's a bottomless pit, I tells ya! Come back to us, Bob! Walter Hill seems to be in a neck-and-neck race with John Milius to see whose career can end the soonest. HBO, you gotta stop coddling these guys with all these so-called TV shows! Stop the insanity. And finally, David Giler, well, the Alien gravy train pulled into the station a long, long time ago. Could it be time for a Myra Breckinridge reboot? Ask Vidal. And try to get a good director this time, maybe an Antoine Fuqua or a Quentin Tarantino. Get Rosario Dawson to play the lead this time! See? It writes itself!
--
No, the only one of the Big Five still remaining is Mr. Matrix himself, Joel Silver. A little older, a little wiser, a little less cocky, clinging to that dream with the last of fingernails. I see that Leonardo DiCaprio is a producer on this as well... oh, I get it now. The orphan girl's supposed to be Gisele Bundchen, right? tee hee hee...
And finally, rounding out the Top 5 is the latest installment of Ice Age. Oh, please. We truly are living in that era when every fifteen year old kid with a laptop can create the next Lawrence of Arabia. Or so we wish. Meantime, we're stuck with things like Ice Age 3. And poor Denis Leary, forced to tone down his act because of all the underage fans of Ice Age. Take a page from Patton Oswalt: make it an opportunity for fake maturation like he did with Ratatouille.
---
As for the rest, well, it's just too damn depressing to contemplate. Bruno's bombing far too quickly for my taste. Borat was clearly more beloved by audience member and studio exec alike. Public Enemies has just about paid off the cost of the digital video tape used to store it, and The Hangover's just getting greedy now. And director Todd Phillips may be biting off more than even Steven Soderbergh could chew. ELEVEN in-development credits? You know, some of them may be fighting against each other at the box office soon enough. It's only a few tall trees that get all the sunshine in that forest, if I may use an awkward metaphor from my new-fangled education! ¶ Is it just me, or does Sandra Bullock look like an action figure? She's got Michael Jackson's last good nose, for one. And her business suit in The Proposal is certainly Barbie-worthy. I only mention it because all the toys you grew up with are getting their cinematic due. Transformers now, and the upcoming G.I. Joe a little later. What next? Lincoln Logs: The Motion Picture? Michael Bay's Hot Wheels? (2013) Maybe Disney could make a movie out of Hungry Hungry Hippos. That'd be good. Or Jenga. Personally, I'd like to see a revival of Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw. But that's just me. I better go...

Auteur Watch - Chris Noonan

Lucky bastid. Well, at least this shouldn't take long. No, this is not the What Happened Was... guy. This is that super guy who directed Babe, the gallant pig movie! Remember Babe? That improvised part where Babe sings? The "I want my mom" line? (sniffles, wipes away tear) Like Homer said when he watched Barney Gumble's movie, the Award winning but unfortunately titled 'Puke-a-hontas,' "Wow. I'll never have another beer again." "Beer here!" "I'll take twelve." ...Damn! I knew I'd get that wrong. Ten, not twelve.
---
So! Let's use the old reliable Decade Theory here. What's Chris Noonan's favourite decade of his career? Is it the go-go 70s? Disco balls, multi-colored afro wigs and platform shoes everywhere? Some of the best and worst music ever produced in a recording studio came out of that decade. Chris was a relatively young guy, doing the occasional odd job, not really caring if his career went anywhere. But then the 80s rolled on in, and it's all yuppie this and Me Decade that. The greatest period of his life. Look at all those credits! The Cowra Breakout, Stepping Out, and a miniseries about Vietnam. Why, he was working hard and losing hair the full decade.
--
But of course, his favorite decade of all must be the nineties. Babe became an international sensation, and best of all, it really ground that Gordy into the rug like so many cigarette butts. But that's about it for the whole nineties! WTF? Who does this guy think he is? Terrence Malick? Stanley Kubrick? Guercio?

But just when he thought he was out of that awful Hollywood machine that leaves many an artist wiping the grease off of themselves for years and years... THEY PULL HIM BACK IN. And crank out another film he does: Miss Potter. Nice try, wise guy. What's that? Harry Potter? I'm so there. But then, the rug gets pulled out from under us and we've gotta be held hostage by Zellweger again for 92 minutes. Why, I bet she didn't even use a British accent! (whew... got that right. Those five years of Comp. Lit. class keep paying off in spades!) Shame on the casting agents. Beatrix Potter... judging from her portrait on Wikipedia she should be portrayed by more of a Courteney Cox, or maybe Clea DuVall. Or the female equivalent of a brunette Ryan Gosling. YKWIM?

But all is not lost, and Noonan's back on the treadmill. He's urping out another film in 2009 called The Third Witch... Nice try, wise guy. Cashing in on the whole wizard and witch trend started by Harry Potter, eh? ...oops! It's actually not a Harry Potter-esque thingie, but rather a retelling of MacBeth... close enough for me. Gotta go.

What if they gave a Harry Potter film and nobody came?

...er, close enough. Couldn't find my copy of Order of the Phoenix. Well, I guess the answer is that it's not going to happen, so no need to ponder on it. We're already past the midpoint of the series where it looked like that very thing WAS going to happen, but now that we're near the end and all... But first, a brief word about Steve Kloves. He's either got the most plum, coveted screenwriting assignment of all Hollywood, or the most boring one in all Hollywood. J.K.'s doing all the work, not him! But since history is written by the winners, I think we're overdue for a Fabulous Baker Boys remake. Now I hate to play Casting Agent here, but we've either got to go with the Broken Lizard guys or The Whitest Kids U Know to star as the new Baker Boys, and get Megan Fox to play the Michelle Pfeiffer role, and get Michelle to play the character's mother. Have her say "Don't make the same mistakes I did." Oscar time. Or if not Megan Fox, maybe someone from American Idol. See? It writes itself!
Anyway, at #1, it's the latest chapter in the HArry Potter saga, and clearly there's no need for a recount this time, because it's one even Transformers clearly wouldn't win. Maybe Bay can buy 4 million tickets and switch places with Ice Age... nah, not in this economy. Maybe two years ago, but not today. But back to Harry Potter. Yes, H.P. reigns supreme once again with the latest, the greatest, most mature and dramatic entry in the long running series. Hmm! Makes those first two look like a coupla piles of puke! And speaking of piles of puke, I Love You Beth Cooper just barely hangs in there at #10, thereby avoiding my year-end wrap-up of films that only managed to hang on for one week on the Top 10. Oh, thank God! I know how humiliating that can be for some. But that's how it works. At least they're paying attention this time, Chris! I probably mentioned this already, but Chris Columbus puts his ass on the line and directs the big-screen adaptation of Rent... really? There's a movie version of it? YES, THERE IS! I've heard it's good; I meant to see it, but I've been really busy lately. And what good were the critics then? They thought it was great, and it does nothing at the box office. Same with Beth Cooper, but hey! At least you got peoples' attention this time! And, as near as I can tell from the trailers, it's the best advertisement for the Hummer yet. C'mon, all you drunk drivers! Commandeer your friend's Hummer today! Let's get something started here!
--
Well, that's it for debuts this week. Ice Age 3 at #2, boring. Oh, let's see what creature gets thawed out this time and just BARELY eats John Leguizamo. I keep hoping they make it. Transformers 2 at #3... Hmm! I like the numerics of that! Unfortunately, even so close to 400 million in the bank, it's STILL not going to make a profit until 2027. Bruno slips from #1 to #4. Ouch! Clearly Borat was more palatable to the American audience; #1 for the first two weeks. Also there were more shows to go on at that time: SNL and The Daily Show being the two main ones.
And FINALLY, The Hangover overtakes The Proposal for once! Hangover at 5, Proposal falls to 6. But Sandra should still be happy nonetheless. Can you say green light for Miss Congeniality 3?
--
Public Enemies at #7: more symmetry. It made $7.59 million for a total of 79.5 million in the bank. Next time, Mann, spring for regular film! That digital video's a little streaky for my taste. Did I mention that already? It's still apt. Why not get the kind George Lucas used? That looks pretty good. Of course, with global eyestrain kicking in, who'll be able to tell the difference anyway in the next couple years or so?
Up slips to #8, but finally! They've revealed the budget info. It cost 5 million less than Wall-E, clocking in at 175 million. Dayang is all I can say. But remember, all you Pixar hipsters. Someday you're going to be the old man riding down the stairway tram, forcing to comedically hit it when it comedically stops at that middle step. Oh sure, you won't need to collect Social Security checks (they're all millionaires, you know.) but you'll still be a bunch of old fogies hunched over Mac computers, just typing away. Writing your Pixar blogs.

And since we've already analyzed Beth Cooper at #10, let's end with My Sister's Keeper at #9. Funniest episode of 30 Rock yet. Better stick to the poker, Nick. And bite the big one, Emily Deschanel! Zooey's the Alpha Sister now! But I think you already know that. Yes, while you're stuck playing supporting roles way WAY down in the middle of the credits, Zooey's on to only the biggest and the best of the assignments. At one point in her career she was on her way to bigger and better things, but without a doubt she's way past that point. And lucky girl, I think even the pervs over at Maxim magazine put her on their influential lists! I hear she's going to be the new voice of Garfield in the next Garfield movie. Plot details, you ask? Who cares? The rest of the world's on board. I mean, SOMEBODY'S got to be watching these things!

Somewhere, Todd Solondz is not smiling...

Why not? Let's do a review for once. It's been a while, and I've got a few half hours to spare, so better put it to good use before I forget how. I can feel it happening. We've got quite a backlog on the ol' docket, so why not purge a couple here. I've got quite a few with that ol' angry busybody, Christian Bale. Okay, so he's not exactly turning the other cheek, especially in that American Psycho... wow! What a performance. Another American job lost to a foreigner. Anyway, I've got The Dark Knight, Harsh Times, and this yet to get to. Man! To boost his public image, I think it's time for Bale to do a nice innocuous comedy once again. Something with a nice title like The Happiest Man in the World or It Feels So Great To Be Alive. You know what I'm sayin?
Anyway, back to the movie at hand. I mention Todd Solondz because apparently his Palindromes had a similar conceit. But I guess that's just too damn bad, because he didn't get something practical that he could've really used: the blessing of someone like, say, Steven Soderbergh. Sorry, Spike and David, but you know it's true. Yes, in case you have no sense of metaphor, I'm Not There is about the life of Bob Dylan, and his many public and private incarnations. Part Beatle, part Rolling Stone, part Marjoe Gortner, many MANY parts Woody Guthrie, part Traveling Wilbury, they're all pretty much here except for the Traveling Wilbury part. A living legend this ranging and diverse surely can't be portrayed by just one actor. Literally! And so it goes... there's just the six of 'em, I think. The man could write one hell of a lyric, I do give him that.
So at least one film in a long while bucks the ever-stronger superhero trend. But can it start the feature-length music video trend? Who knows. Now, my viewing companions openly complained about the film's long running time. And at two and a quarter hours, it is indeed Forrest Gump length and feels it. But I think I understand the filmmaking artistes of today. See, this is something the average viewer doesn't understand. All the hot hours, slaving over a hot Avid, cutting and pasting... does anybody besides Michael Kahn do it the old fashioned way any more? Some complained that the Richard Gere segment was superfluous... well, IS it? Is this what it's come to? Would we just snip years off a man's life, just because we found them distasteful or incongruous? Besides, how else is Bruce Greenwood supposed to not come off like a total prick? Actually, I guess Garrett was worse. And the reporter has his conversion on the Road to Damascus, so to speak. But I confess I did like that smirk he gave when revealing Bob's real name, heh heh. Yeah, Bruce Greenwood's all right. I liked him ever since Thick as Thieves and Thirteen Days. I know Double Jeopardy wasn't your fault, buddy; incidentally, that is a very informative movie. Be sure to watch it the next time you've got to get your car off a ferry in a big hurry. ¶ Incidentally, that part with the young black kid riding on the train... does O Brother Where Art Thou? ring a bell? Hel-looo? ...was I the only one? Okay, skip it.
I don't know what else to say. Cate Blanchett was good, of course. I guess she was Oscar good, I don't know. I'm certainly no expert on these things. Maybe people thought she did her own singing. I sure did! I just hope her blood feud with Tilda Swinton comes to a close at some point. Ultimately, it's not my cup of tea, but I'm not sorry I saw I'm Not There. It makes a fine addition to Bob Dylan's legacy. Now, that Victoria's Secret ad ... WTF, dude? As for director Todd Haynes, well, I'm assuming at this point he can write his own ticket. I know it's tempting, but Todd, PLEASE try not to do a feature-length version of Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story... unless you can bring it in under budget, of course.

***

-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Desmond Nakano

Oh, I hoped beyond hope that this one might be easy. Not quite. Well, we might as well get the Decade Theory part of it over with. Clearly, looking at Mr. Nakano's resumé, it is the 80s that must be his favourite decade. Okay, so he wasn't directing then, but he had his screenplay career ahead of him. He was hip, he was now, he was translating the beat of the street onto the silver screen of the campy 80s. Breakdancing! A pre-Die Hard Die Hard clone! And an Indie Title fave: Last Exit to Brooklyn. Well, you know how it is. The Accused is critically acclaimed, too, but I ain't goin' back to watch it!
But it was exactly these kind of '80s credentials that led to his big break... when Comet Quentin streaked through Hollywood and gave it to him. That would be 1995's White Man's Burden. Yes, before M. Night Shyamalan came to town and started doing feature-length Twilight Zone episodes in his own right, we had White Man's Burden: the only film before or since, for some reason, that dared to ask the question in its own inimitable fashion: what if it was the white people who were treated like blacks? Travolta was riding high and feeling invincible. Why, the cleft in his chin seemed bigger back then. And he took on the role of Louis Pinnock. The role that would win him the Academy Award once and for all... or am I thinking of Mad City? I already lost track. And so did Nakano's career, for that matter. Why, work would be harder to come by for him than for even Whit Stillman. But 2007 would be the Year of the... Nakano, and he'd get back to his American roots with ... American Pastime. Yes, with Tony Kayden acting as his screenplay parole officer, he would fall back on that old surefire title trick of having the word American in the title. Yes, just like American Pie, American Beauty, American Splendor, Proud American, American Movie, American Graffiti, More American Graffiti, American Quiet, American Psycho, American Pop, American Perfekt and American Me before him, he would add his own chapter to the American story, and get back on that treadmill known as the Directorial Fast-Track... okay, maybe in 2010, who knows. The economy's a little tight right now.

The Stoning of Sonia S.

Awright! I'm up to 2% of my 1 gigabyte image limit. About time! So, Sonia Sotomayor's big test begins, but I'm sure she can handle those snot-nosed PUNKS on the Legislative Committee. 'Specially that Jeff Sessions... what is this, HuffPo? What's happening to me? It's B.O. time, baby! And what a stinker at #1! Anybody who's anybody is going to give our man in Amsterdam Brüno a good rating! The Onion gives him a qualified B-... something like that. And even though the IMDb's only given it 5 votes, it's already got a 9.4 out of 10! Why, that'd be like a 94% over at Rotten Tomatoes! And Red Mountain, well, the only thing he ever hated was the 2002 reboot of Rollerball... which I think he reversed opinion on after seeing things the producers' collective way. I may be wrong about that. But Alistair Graham's done it again. Another foreigner takes the greatest prize of all: #1 at the American box office. It's all downhill from here, frankly. Will he do it for a second week like Borat? Not without SNL's help he's not. And they're on hiatus! It's not too late to do the Daily Show / Colbert Report complex. They're back this week, and if you get Colbert to tell his people to make it #1 for a second week... well, if THEY can't pull it off, no one can. Not even Tyler Perry.
I must be missing a snarky comment or two... nope, can't think of anything. And I guess the Ali G movie's already been made. Unless you want to make... the American version? No? Think about it. I gotta keep it short this week, so I'll save my snarky comments for the other debut this week: I Love You, Alice B. Toking on a Brownie. No, that's not it. I love you, J.R.R. Tolkien and the Silmarillion... Damn it! My typing's been falling to pieces exponentially. Gotta write things on paper again, like in the olden days. No, it's the latest from 1492 Pictures' own Chris Columbus. And it's called, I Love You, Beth Cooper! (applause) Fox Atomic? Oh, please. How many subdivisions can Fox really nurture? Besides, I thought they did horror pics. Well, in a way... oh, no he di'int!
And with that in mind, let me turn my wrath NOT to the Home Alone director's latest, but rather... to all those HATERS out there who be raggin' on this movie! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, Ebert and The Onion and the Two Bens, and all the other hipsters just jumping on the We Hate You, Beth Cooper bandwagon. Oh, the movie's too this. Oh, the movie's too that. The characters are too stereotypical. The actions are too... dumb. That may be true. But you just don't understand! This is about Chris Columbus reclaiming his lost childhood! While you and I were covering up the barf in our sandboxes, Chris was at his typewriter. Furiously typing out what would later become Gremlins! And Goonies! All those Great movies starting with 'G'. It's about a simpler time when bullies were bullies, and nerds were nerds, and never the twain shall meet. It's about Stephen King-level clarity. You know who's bad and who's good, and you can still get a good story out of it. Anyone remember Stand by Me? Well, what's that all of a sudden? Chopped liver? Can't all you jaded sophisticates out there suspend your disbelief for just one second? Didn't you ever pine for the girl in high school? Didn't you ever lust in your heart for something you just couldn't have? Or even, for something that even if you ever did get a hold of it, you still wouldn't know what to do with? Was not your high school experience as awkward and full of bumps as this? Was not everyone's? At the very least, DOES THIS FILM NOT TELL A STORY?
On the other hand, where does this fit in Columbus' legacy, as he put it in the The Directors special about him? Does this fall somewhere between Rent and Christmas at the Kranks... wait a second. He had something, ANYTHING AT ALL to do with CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS? As they so often say over at Mad Magazine, YEEEEECCCCCHHHHHHH!!!!!! I owe you an apology, Ebert, the Onion and the two Bens. You were all right. And correct, too.

Auteur Watch - George Miller(s)

When you get right down to it, it seems like there's a George Miller in every profession, really. There's one in politics. There was one in stand-up comedy. In the world of big time movie directors, though, there's two big ones. There's a third small one which we'll just skip completely. There's the first one who won an Oscar for a film about penguins, and there's the other one with titles under his belt such as The Man from Snowy River, Zeus and Roxanne, and Les Patterson Saves the World. And the Snowy River George Miller's worked twice as hard as the penguin George Miller lo these many years, and done television, too! For God's sake! So how unfair is that? One George Miller's been working his ass off longer and harder than just about anyone in this biz, and yet, some young punk kid ALSO named George Miller, he has one film called Mad Max, and suddenly HE'S the one to remember? What, doesn't the DGA have any cojones like the SAG? Couldn't they force one to change their name, or at least adopt a pretentious initial? Life's just unfair.
But that's how it works in the big leagues, folks. Sometimes it's better to be a little picky and choosy with your projects. For example, the Snowy River George Miller, he did a film with Steve Guttenberg. Bad career move. Seems to be the final straw that broke the silver screen's back. So, Snowy River George Miller: what's his favorite career decade? Is it the more innocent 1970s, when he was just starting out, lean and hungry, doing TV exclusively? Or was it the 80s when his star was on the rise, and in addition to all the TV work, there was some theatrical releases as well? Maybe it's the 90s, where the American theatrical releases were at their peak, and things looked like they would go on forever until... well, until the theatrical stuff started losing traction, and then it was back to TV exclusively. Why, he couldn't even sell Robinson Crusoe, for God's sake! How hard is that?
Ironically enough, both George Millers took a break in the 2000s to reflect on their career, and where to go from their respective stopping points. Now, the Mad Max George Miller... what could be his favorite decade? Surely it's the 70s. He was lean and hungry, and working with Mel Gibson before he went crazy. Work was slow, but hey. Some people start slow but end up taking the whole planet by storm. Or maybe it was the decadent 80s? They were surely decadent for him. It took him a while to escape the allure of Mad Max sequels, but the Spielbergian lessons clearly rubbed off by the more kid-friendly third installment. After the success of Witches of Eastwick, things began to slow down, and he took it easy during the 90s. He turned to producing, producing the megahit Babe. Confident from the success, he took it upon himself to do the sequel. Not received as well, unfortunately! Mainly because they switched voices. Rule number one: never switch pig voices in midstream. Dexter's Laboratory did a fine job, give her the bigger paycheck, you shmuck! Alas, it was too late, and he would never direct again...
...until 2006, that is! The surprise Oscar winner for best animated feature, Happy Feet! Beating out those bastards over at Pixar, the story of animated penguins couldn't have come at a better time. Apparently, he even directed the HBO special about it, he was feeling so good! He caught the Penguin wave just in time; Surf's Up just crashed and burned, dude.
--
So, what are the respective George Millers up to right now? Well, the lame one's doing something called Fiji. Hmm. Must be a James Michener thing. I'm too cheap to subscribe to IMDbPro, but trust me: it'll probably suck. And it'll probably be hard to find, too. As for the alpha one, it's sequels, sequels, sequels! Mad Max 4 is back on track... maybe they find a discarded jumbo jet this time and Rockatansky uses it as a decoy. Wouldn't that be something? Being chased down a lone backroad through the outback by a ragtag bunch of gas hooligans driving souped-up junk heaps? Now that's what I call hybrids! They blow out the tires of this jumbo jet with little tiny crossbows, find the tank's full of sand, drive off in disgust... He's also got Happy Feet 2 where the Dubya-esque penguin gets impeached. Miller's also entering Wolfgang Peterson-territory with Homer's The Odyssey with Brad Pitt. And who knows? Maybe Matt Damon and George Clooney will have show-stopping cameos as Scylla and Charibdes? I gotta go...

The mouths have it...

This is how bad my typing/spelling has gotten since I've been web exclusive for so long... could it be 'mouthes'? According to Google/Yahoo, 'mouthes' gets 284,000 hits. 'Mouths' gets 45 million, 500 thousand... so numberically, it must be right. Anyway, this is what I get for procrastinating, so let's get this week's Box Office report over with.
Well, no surprise to me: Transformers 2 wins the second recount. The first recount had it just barely beat out for first place by Ice Age 3, one of this week's debuts. Now, Michael Bay might let this slide if it was one of his crappy horror movie productions like Texas Chainsaw Massacre 20 or Friday the 13th part 12... but not one of his babies. Not Transformers 2. He didn't spend two years of his life on this turkey to have it just barely beat out by Ice Age 3 the second week of release. No, sir. Not on his watch.
Meanwhile, the other debut this week, Michael Mann's latest direct-to-digital-video theatrical release, Public Enemies, debuts at #3. And so far, it looks like it's trying to avoid the soundtrack selections of O Brother Where Are Thou... for once.
Not much else to report. Proposal's almost at 100 million, Hangover over 200 million. Looks like My Sister's Keeper's going on life support. And I gotta go, too. But before I do, check out all the chiseled hunks of beef at its premiere! Looks like Jason Patric and Chris Kattan are charter members of the Chin of the Month Club! Too much...

Short Reviews - June 2009

Man! I got nothin' this month! Shame on me.

Whatever Works - Tamest episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm ever.

The Hangover - They should've called it "Ed Helms's Missing Tooth: The Motion Picture."

Up - If you don't like this movie, you're not human.

Eddie Murphy in 'Imagine That' - First of all, there's only ONE Imagine That with Hank Azaria.. all TWO episodes of it! Second, this better not be directed by Brian Robbins...
nope, but... oh, Ed Solomon. Is work really that sparse these days?

Bubble Boy and Donnie Darko - Two movies from 2001, both with Jake Gyllenhaal. Both cult classics. What else can me say? He's got the magic touch!

Away We Go - My God! Mendes pumps out a new film prematurely! He didn't wait three years after Revolutionary Road, in other words. It just can't be good.

Land of the Lost - This is just Jurassic Park with Will Ferrell in it, right?

Donnie Darko - Let me just say this about Donnie Darko, and this is addressed to those of you negative types out there who can't say anything nice about a movie. Sure, it's like a Twilight Zone on acid, sure the cinematography's damn moody and stand-offish, and sure, we're all not ready for an 80s flashback just yet, but this is how I know Richard Kelly is a damn DIRECTOR. And, an actor's director to boot. Did you see the look on Maggie Gyllenhaal's face at the end? I don't know what the director did, but that's how I know he's a damn DIRECTOR.

Southland Tales - Still haven't seen it yet.

Purple Violets - Who knew? Edward Burns has finally slipped into almost complete obscurity. Maybe Redford finally got tired of losing money on Burns' films. Maybe he could hook up with Jean Doumanian instead.

G-Force - The Caddyshack gopher's kids finally get a picture...

Punchline - From the writer of The Omen comes a movie about stand-up comedy... makes perfect sense.

The Clearing - Sequel to Spy Game, with Redford reprising his role, and with Willem Dafoe as William H. Macy.

Ice Age 3: Dinosaurs - Dinosaurs? I thought they lived before the Ice Age... oh, skip it. Why question it. The series will be much better now, that's the main thing.

Alex & Emma - So, is Rob Reiner's name in this supposed to be a German anagram of "wishcrafter"?

Mad Dog Time - Oh, Rob Reiner. Didja really need to do this cameo?

Cheri - Oh, Michelle Pfeiffer. Don't tease me like that!

The Hurt Locker - From the director of Point Break and Strange Days comes a serious war movie. I miss Bodhi.

My Sister's Keeper - Another film from Nick Cassavetes, but somehow I feel like Donald Petrie could've handled this one.

Auteur Watch - Les Mayfield

You know, there are many paths to becoming a great film director. You could start out as a great editor like Stuart Baird. Or you could start out as a great cinematographer like Andrezj Bartkowiak. Or start out as a great choreographer like Jeffrey Hornaday. Or a great hairdresser like Paul Abascal. There's many, many more examples, I'm sure. The only other one I can think of right now is Bo Welch, who started out as a great production designer. Those are the big ones that get studied in film school. But for those of you whom fate has not yet smiled down upon, you might want to hedge your bets and be a jack-of-all-trades. That's sort of what Les Mayfield did, our auteur of the week. But not no more! Why, just look at that handsome guy, all confident and smiling. He's thinking to himself, "Sorry, guys! I'd love to stay and answer your questions, but I've got a premiere to get to!"

I've seen the name before, but after watching 1984's Making Of documentary about the film 2010, I'll be damned if I can't get it out of my head! The director of a Making Of documentary about a real film? Well, you gotta start somewhere. And frankly, that's the kind of wise-ass comment a non-believing naysayer would make, but we'll change your mind. Okay, so it's not quite directing actors in a potentially Oscar-worthy performance, but you do get to ask actors questions... or maybe that's someone else's job, too. But Les Mayfield is a uniquely talented man and, with a little bit of luck, he was able to spin those credentials into his first directing gig, 1992's Encino Man. With his producing partner George Zaloom, another name from the aforementioned 2010 documentary, they crafted the script that would launch Brendan Fraser and Pauly Shore into the stratosphere. But unfortunately or fortunately for Les, Pauly's not one of these one-director-only primadonnas. If you read the credits carefully on that Costco 5-DVD Pauly Shore Fun Pack you bought your kids for their birthday, you'll notice that Pauly's five biggest films each had different directors. And so, Les had to move on to riskier projects, but the gambit paid off. In 1994 he ended up under the wing of mega-titan John Hughes and he became the new Chris Columbus with 1994's remake of Miracle on 34th Street. And while it didn't make enough to warrant a sequel, he did team up with Hughes for 1997's Flubber. But alas, if there's one thing Mayfield knows about this business, he knows when it's time to move on. And move on from the downward trending John Hughes he did to the upward trending Martin Lawrence for 1999's Blue Streak. A bittersweet end to that apocalyptic decade known as the 90s, which surely is his favorite decade of his directorial career, when he was just starting out (as a director), lean and hungry and eager for work.

And then, on to the decadent 2000s. Not quite as busy, and he was able to be a little pickier and choosier with his projects, such as 2001's American Outlaws. I haven't seen it, but I imagine it has hilarious outtakes at the end, just like 2007's Code Name: The Cleaner. You see, Les knows how to play the game, and he's not afraid to destroy that delicate illusion a film can leave behind after it's over. Sometimes you just gotta bring the viewing public back down to earth with hilarious outtakes during the ending credits. You know, for legal reasons. But every once in a while an opportunity comes along where you can help a guy out. In 2005, he tried to resurrect Eugene Levy's leading man status with The Man. Sure, Levy's gotten plenty of juicy supporting roles over the years, such as the long suffering dad of the American Pie series, but once upon a time in 1986 he was bitten by the leading man bug with that year's Armed and Dangerous. I think it's fallout from the success of Splash. And once you've had that chance to be the next Tom Hanks, you can't help but wonder for the rest of your life afterwards... could it ever happen again? Sometimes you just gotta roll the dice, for cryin' out loud.

Now, for those of you who aren't devotees of the IMDb, there's a new feature where they try to lure you into the pay version of the site by showing you what they call "In Development Credits," where you get the inside scoop on all that stuff that only Variety seems to know about. So what does the future hold for Les Mayfield? Well, they don't say. But that's the kind of guy Les is. He's playing it cool. He's thinkin' legacy, he's thinkin' Lifetime Achievement Oscar, but he's playing it cool. He doesn't need to put what he's up to out there for everyone to see, like Steven Spielberg or (one of the 300 producers of Code Name: The Cleaner) Brett Ratner, no. He could be up to just about anything, like a remake of Matewan, or maybe a documentary about the upcoming Tintin films. You know, just getting back to his roots. Not because he has to, but because he WANTS to. Perhaps find the next Les Mayfield out there, mentor him or her, and try to help him or her not to make the same mistakes along the way, which as we all know completes the circle of success in Hollywood, as in life. Keep on keepin' on, Les Mayfield. We'll be keepin' an eye out for ya, big guy.