Short Reviews - Aug. '09

Too many movies coming out!

'night, Mother - Good double bill with Extremities.

Hawmps! - Blows.

The Brown Bunny - Oh, Chloe Sevigny, my little tunicate...

Savannah Smiles - Am I the only one who remembers this movie?

The Relic (1997) - Am I the only one who remembers that this was #1 its opening weekend?

Gunshy (1998) and Gun Shy (2000) - I can't tell these two apart!!!!

Taps - Nice to see I wasn't the only one who hates the scourge of Seattle condominiums.

The Marc Pease Experience - Oh, pease. Yeah, this'll be box office gold.

"The Bonnie Hunt Show" - Oh, Don Lake. Somehow this seems like a step down for you. But, work is work. If Claire okays it, then why not.

Blow - The GoodFellas of drug importing

Donnie Brasco - The GoodFellas of FBI infiltration.

Empire (2002) - The GoodFellas of drug dealing

Innocent Blood - The GoodFellas of vampires

Boogie Nights - The GoodFellas of porno

A Bronx Tale - The GoodFellas of bus drivers

Mobsters - GoodFellas Jr.

Dances with Wolves - The GoodFellas of Native Americans

The Departed - The GoodFellas of ... Boston? Of 2006?

Cinderfella - Ooh, I heard that's good... I sorta couldn't watch it myself.

Clear Cut - Graham Greene's favorite film. When are the Saw guys gonna remake this turkey?

Pawn Stars - There's a pun there somewhere, but I still can't see it...

Homecoming - For God's sake, people! Mischa Barton went to THERAPY over this movie! And just ahead of the release date, too! ...too late. It's already bombed.

(National Lampoon's) The Legend of Awesomest Maximus - I do like Will Sasso, but I just hope this is an okay vehicle for him. As for National Lampoon, well, this is hardly the late 70s/early 80s anymore. Maybe YOU'RE the one getting lampooned here... or is that harpooned? One of the two.

The Beast - Erick Avari's first and last serious role... I used that one already, didn't I? Thought so. He and Sayed Badreya should do a buddy pic together... probably used that one already, too. Damn! Can I still claim that great minds think alike?

Curb Your Enthusiasm - Okay, LD, but technically you've got to do 100 more episodes to totally eclipse Seinfeld!

Farewell to the King - You know, you often hear about 'token black' characters, but what about token Brits? Forced to play second fiddle to the American alpha dog?

How to Murder Your Wife - SEE?! They're EVERYWHERE! They're VERY everywhere...

Over the Top - Lincoln Hawk? Great, great name. Over the top, indeed!

Lars and the Real Girl - Well, I guess there's only one thing to say: if only more women were like Bianca...

Young People F***ing - You know... Two thoughts, of course. On the one hand, I see what they're trying to do; this could be the description of most 80s teen comedies, arguably. On the other hand, it's a not-so fine line between porno titles and theatrical release titles. Why, I remember a time when that one scene with Jean Simmons in Spartacus sent people in droves to confession booths. How gone that era is. Incidentally, I only stumbled upon this one in my vainglorious attempt to find films with two-word titles, the SECOND word being people. Harder than I thought. Speaking of which...

Cold Souls - I just might end up giving this one the cold soul-der... nothing? Folks, the point is...

The Hurt Locker - The best American movie of the summer? I'd have to see it to believe it, personally. I mean, Point Break and Strange Days were okay, but...

The Onion Movie - Ironically, The Onion panned it... or maybe NOT so ironically, in this post-hip era we live in

Naked Gun 4 - Just found out about this... okay, look. I think things have gone far enough, but that's how it is. Why, in even The Police can resolve their differences and get back together. I mean, let's face it! Leslie Nielsen has many, MANY cinematic sins to atone for ... some even in the midst of the Naked Gun craze in the first place! But it looks like it's going to beat Lethal Weapon 5 by a New York Mile... for what that's worth.

Deadbeat (1976) - One I doubt Chris Mulkey wants to be remembered for... and DON'T ask me who he is!

High School Musical 4: A Hornaday Keeps The Box Office Away - Who do they think they are? Harry Potter? Is this going to turn into the 7 Up series?

The Genesis Code - Okay, guys, this is getting out of hand. What next, are you going to hand out promotional rolls of toilet paper for the big Hollywood premiere of ... Deuteronomy? heh heh...

The Bear That Wasn't - Oh, it's good, but it's no I Lost My Bear... I mean, Munro.

Extract - This better not suck, Beavis!

Fantastic Mr. Fox - Ocean's 14? Somehow I thought the animation would be a little more Pixar-esque...

Mind The Gap - Eric Schaeffer's Jersey Girl (2004) ?

The Simpsons: The Complete Twelfth Season - Still loving it... but I must confess, that montage of Jeff Albertson was maybe a little too much. Ended perfectly, of course. One thing I got stuck in my head right now: the portable credit card reader that says "Deadbeat!" over and over again... oh, crud.

All About Steve - Oh, there's NO WAY this is going to be as big a hit as The Proposal. And it's probably not going to win as many Oscars as All About Eve. But the big question of course is: where did Bradley Cooper hook up with Renée Zellweger? ...oh, of course. Case 39. Strike Three for Jeniston! Owwch. And incidentally, why is Sandy so untouchable? Surely, Brad's hotter than Jesse James? Oh why oh why is there never enough of these hot young starlets to go around... The other question no one is asking: when is Bradley Cooper going to play the lead in the Lindsey Buckingham story?

Sorority Row - At first I couldn't tell if it was a comedy or a horror movie, and then I saw Carrie Fisher and I couldn't help but think, oh, Princess Leia. How could you let yourself go like that? Maybe it's time to rethink Kathleen Turner...

Play the Game - Now Andy Griffith's the Sexy Beast!

Auteur Watch - Folco Quilici

I still gotta keep it short this week, so I'm just going to go ahead and guess that the 1990s were his favourite decade. I mean, finally! Some rest! Only one made in that decade, which is good, because only one survived... I know, but I had to go for it all the same.

Folco's official website

Staying Power

Okay, so it's the final destination of the earth, so to speak. I didn't have time to look up my DVD of Defending Your Life. ¶ Anyway, the horror has it! But for some reason people are craving cheap thrills, as opposed to quasi-indie, quasi-historically-based thrills. I gotta hand it to him: Snakes on a Plane director Ellis has got something! He's doing better than Steve Boyum, anyway, at least on the big screen. Ellis returns to a franchise that has obviously been good to him before, and if the box office is right, surely this won't be the final Final Destination? How can Saw keep going? So many questions.
I gotta keep things short this week, so let's just do the debuts. The other two this week are the new, revamped Halloween 2... get a room, guys! Don't get me started. Well, at least Margot Kidder's getting work once again. I guess that means she's insurable now. The other debut is the heavily advertised Taking Woodstock. A close friend of mine swears that that Demetri Martin is juiced in... you know, a distant relative of Coppola or something. Apparently not. Between Conan O'Brien and The Daily Show, he's come so far on sheer raw charisma, and by being a fave of the Onion set. And his awesome palindrome power. Well, personally, I'm just a jaded old timer, but I still don't see it. This close friend of mine also compared Demetri to Pauly Shore, which to me is a little unfair. At least Pauly Shore had a sense of fun about him. I don't get that kind of vibe from Demetri. More of a "Why am I not more famous yet?" vibe, but without the Orny Adams exterior of desperation.

Auteur Watch - Albert Pyun

You know, there's a reason some directors are maligned the way they are. Rowdy Herrington comes to mind. Oh sure, his 1992 Gladiator has become a cable mainstay, but clearly, Ridley Scott's 2000 Best Picture winner Gladiator is the alpha Gladiator... at least it was until 300 showed up on the scene. Anyway, the point being, Mr. Pyun shows no signs of repentance... but redemption may be in the cards. We'll get to that later.
So let's get right to it! Which decade do you suppose is Pyun's favourite? Is it the go-go 80s, when he first tricked people into thinking he's a director? It was the era of Cannon... I actually remember the ad for this one! If I remember correctly, a car's driving by this chick and they smack her in the ass. I believe with some sort of ass-smacking stick, as though it was a game of mailbox baseball. Ah, the good ol' days. He got Kathy Ireland's film career going back then! Or rather, I suppose it's that he simultaneously started AND ended her career. Probably for the best.
Or perhaps it was the fecund 90s? He was able to hide under the rubric of independent filmmaker for a while... until about the time of Mean Guns, that is. Not to mention Omega Doom which features quite possibly the best malfunctioning cyborg ever committed to film... oh, that's how it was SUPPOSED to act? Forget it. Save your rental credits... HE did Brain Smasher? Oh, surely there's a co-director... nope, just Dice. Wow. Who knew?
I mean, my God! He's got 27 credits logged in for the 90s! And Spielberg, like a fool, took four years off to start his own studio! Get a clue, Steve!
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And now comes the 2000s, or the new aughts as I prefer to think of it. He's slowing down a bit now, but still picking the A projects out of the D bin. Bulletface? Love it! Probably not as good as Pinhead, but you can't have it all, am I right? And what A-list Hollywood director other than Andrew Davis wouldn't want to work with Steven Seagal? I bet Jamie Pressly won't return Pyun's calls anymore... I betcha.
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If I had to guess, I'd say the 80s are Mr. Pyun's favourite decade. This was when a film was a film. Say what you will about Cannon, they never skimped on the Panavision cameras and the big gaudy 70mm-esque film stock. As they probably said, film is king. No, the 80s was quite a time to get started in film, indeed. Now, any Albert Pyun with a cellphone and about 5000 dollars of computer equipment can be the next big YouTube sensation. But Mr. Pyun's got an ace up his sleeve! That's right... something called Tales of an Ancient Empire. Tell me more... They say it follows his directorial debut, 1982's The Sword and The Sorcerer. And while it's a little late to ride Lord of the Rings' coattails, and the film does feature the best lineup of 1994, as The Onion might quip, it's got one thing going for it: it's cheap. If someone's willing to put this turkey into 14,000 theaters some weekend, well, stranger things have happened! Like The Final Destination franchise. I gotta go. I just gotta.

Box Office High Jinks, 8/23/09, part 2

I KNEW there was something fishy about that Limbaugh logo with the phony crazy 8s! ¶ Anyway, back to #6. It's Robert Rodriguez's latest kid-friendly fare, Shorts. Well, honestly, all his stuff is kinda directed at kids, especially the R-rated stuff. You know how kids are, longing to do all the adult stuff. What I want to know is, what gives, Quents? I thought you two were friends! Couldn't you push your release date ahead a coupla months or something? Help a beaner out, man! Otherwise, it's all old stuff. G-Force, Harry Potter, Ugly Truth, yada yada. But in a stunning reversal, The Goods is now at #10 instead of 11 or lower, meaning it pushed something out of the way... what was it? Post Grad! That's right. The demographic not often heard from in these Animal House-esque 'comedies.' Oh, this is going to throw all my data off. So, instead of Post Grad being a one-weeker, now it's a nothing! And The Goods no longer has the distinction of being a one-weeker, either! And Ponyo's got critically-acclaimed creators, so it might be back next week. Things are getting too complicated amongst the underachievers.

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Oh my God! Rush was right! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Speaking of dying, Angela Lansbury and Joan Cusack were hot Yahoo! search terms this weekend, so I think a lot of people thought the same thing: oh my God! They died? Miss Universe was another one just now. See, that's more like it. Plus, Miss Universe will never die. There will always be a new one... unless Obama's evil Stalinist HEALTH CARE PLAN PASSES!!!! OMG...
C'mon, man. Pull yourself together. Yes, it's time to focus on the only news worth reading about: how did that weekly horse race come out that involves the movies? Well, it should come as little to no surprise that ol' Quenty's still got it... sort of. Yes, his latest, Inglorious Bastids is on top at #1 with an unquestionably high amount of money. Not like Pulp Fiction beat out by Sly Stallone's latest... hoh, boy. So many bad memories. Meanwhile, his Grindhouse co-creator, is positively eating it with his latest, Shorts. Waah. It's got that Taco Bell font, so I can't help but wonder if there was a tie-in? Sorry, I haven't been able to make it down there in a while.
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Anyway, as I only so often do, I think this box office needs to be broken down in two parts. We'll do the top half first. Yes, I.B.'s saturation bombing ad campaign, combined with the occasional target market blitz, and it ruled the day. The only blitz I know of is when Eli Roth stopped by those basterds over at Rotten Tomatoes and gave them his favorite Top 5 movies you'd never want to watch with your family. Something like that. Even more obscure titles than Quentin looked at when he was a hot-shot young video store freak. It's all good, and it's all one long constant rosy learning experience... crucifixion. My literary reference of the day.
Whew! I thought I'd never get to #2, and it's District 9. But more interesting than that, both D9 and IB are in an Achilles-worthy foot race to #1 of that most glorious of institutions, The IMDb Top 250. Of course, I still don't see how The Shawshank Redemption is better than The Godfather, but I've always been pretty naive that way. As any Stephen King fan would tell me, WHO'S SOLD MORE BOOKS? STEPHEN KING OR MARIO PUZO? THE ANSWER IS STEPHEN KING. NOT MARIO PUZO, STEPHEN KING. END OF STORY. On the other hand, Mario did have a hand in the screenplay for the 1978 Superman movie! Does this count for nothing?
At #3 is the latest tirade against Michael Bay-style cinematics, G.I. Joe... or rather, proponent of. I always get those two mixed up. Maybe Bay produced this one, too! And at #4, it's The Time Traveler's Wife, which gets the worst of both worlds. Panned by critics and audiences alike, don't the fools understand? It's a Chick Sci-Fi Flick! Why, I'll bet there's some gals out there who'd find it VERY romantic if their husband travelled through time to when they were six!... Not me, though. I'm a dude. We prefer such inter-dimensional conjugal visits around age 14 or so.
And finally, rounding out our Top 5, it's Nora Ephron's latest, Julie & Julia. And Nora does it again! Not quite like Sleepless in Seattle, but DEFINITELY not like Lucky Numbers, that's for sure. Of course, ALL directors like ALL their films, but some tend not to watch them ever again. That's why I feel sorry for Spielberg: who's going to entertain HIM? Eric Schaeffer? I seriously doubt that.

I loved "I Love You, Man"... or did I?

You know, I wanted to be able to say that I really loved I Love You, Man. I really did. It came critically acclaimed, it did fairly well at the box office... not that that usually matters, of course. Then again, the people and movies I tend to like tend not to perform well there, but I'm getting off target again. This does beg the question, though: how do you cross that line between enjoying a movie on your own and enjoying a movie in the comfort of friends and family? For example, I went with the entirety of my family unit to see Rushmore over ten years ago, and after the seemingly third or fourth mention of 'hand jobs' I felt like grabbing one of the filmmakers by the throat, slapping them around a bit and saying, Hey, man! My mom's in the audience. WTF, dude? But that's just me. I'm just overly sensitive that way. Of course, these days, I Love You Man seems pretty tame by comparison. One wishes it were a little hipper, a little edgier. Oh well. Can't have everything!
But this does give me an opportunity to complain some more about the rise of Hollywood's new Nepotism Class. No, it appears that the days of a Spielberg or a Lucas sneaking in to the studio and completely changing the nature of the biz are long gone. Now you've got to be the child of a wealthy showbiz family just to get an entry-level job! Director John Hamburg, for example, is the son of New York radio talk show host Joan Hamburg. Rashida Jones, who plays Zooey in the film, is the daughter of Quincy Jones and Peggy Lipton. And I'm pretty sure that cinematographer Lawrence Sher is related to uber-producer Stacey Sher. Not to mention blatant Resemblatism: is not Jamie Pressly the new Michelle Pfeiffer?
But our family unit did agree that the idea was a novel one: what do you do when you have so few friends, and you need someone to be the Best Man at your wedding? Someone other than your younger, aggressively gay brother, of course? Oh, but there I go again; I guess Andy Samberg is as good a role model as any. Enter Jason Segel into the picture. Yeah, this kid's got legs. Contrast his performance here with his lead role in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and I think you'll find a good length of range. For some reason I thought of Zero Mostel... at least, a Zero in relaxed mode. I stand by that verdict, but I don't know if I want to re-watch the movie to confirm that. Segel's more relaxed here, and seems to be playing a character much older, and a little wiser, than himself. I understand where he's coming from, but dude, sometimes you just gotta man up and bag the dog crap. Spare yourself the aggravation! Try to make it one of your Man Rules: "Try not to aggravate people by leaving your dog's crap behind." Maybe ease into it with attitude.
Which brings me to Paul Rudd and his character. My close friend whose opinion I trust has a rule: a movie or a book's gotta hook me within the first 15 minutes... or the first chapter. I'm not sure what the page limit is on books. And somehow, I couldn't find myself relating to these people at all. Crazy rich white people. Can't do it. Maybe someday, fingers crossed, but not now. Getting married and starting a land development deal. As alien a world to me as the Mars of Total Recall, but at least that had some kitsch value. For me, Rudd seemed to be channeling Ben Stiller in the role he should've taken if he was available. Much like the lead in Hamburg's previous effort, Along Came Polly, a movie about which another friend of mine said that he knew was a bad movie, but damn! That P.S. Hoffman steals every scene he's in! High-enough praise for a comedy in my book. So, Hamburg covers both coasts with these two movies... is it time to venture into Alexander Payne's backyard, thereby covering the whole USA? Think about it!
So what DID I like about I Love You, Man? Oh, I don't know. It certainly was chock full of wall-to-wall little laughs, like the constant use of cutting-edge slang, and Klaven's botching of it. And like Along Came Polly, good comedy names. The kind Jerry Lewis might relish saying. Reuben FEFFER! Peter KLAVEN! Yes, the script is indeed full of a thousand tiny quotable moments, but it's the superstructure that needed some meat on the old bones somehow. And personally, I don't care how naive you are, but if you're a guy about to get married, and you ask your bride to be WHY you're getting married anyway, you deserve what you get. Some might say his bride's reaction was too tepid, or maybe they deserve each other. I mean, let's face it: Zooey's not exactly the alpha female in her group, right? Incidentally, was I the only one, or did the girlfriend group remind you of the girlfriend group in There's Something About Mary? Yeah, I thought it was just me. Well, what can I say? I don't get out that much.
As part of full disclosure, every once in a while a vote is called to abort the viewing of a motion picture or a TV show, and move on to something better or more familiar to us. Perhaps a similar Simpsons episode, or a Daily Show or Colbert Report we may have missed. I think a vote was called three times during the viewing of I Love You, Man. Of course, by the third we were about two thirds of the way through the damn movie, so we decided to keep marching to the end. For what that's worth. Over 'n out.

**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Alex(ander) Payne

Awright! Time for Tyler Perry's House of Alexander Payne! You know, sometimes directors, or writer/directors especially, stake out certain geographical areas of the country. The Coens have Minnesota, sort of. The Farrellys have Rhode Island. John Hughes had Chicago. M. Night Shyamalan has Philadelphia. Barry Levinson has Baltimore. Scorsese and Woody Allen have New York. I know I'm leaving some out, but you get the idea.
Anyway, so what does that leave? Middle America. That's where Alexander Payne comes in. Born in Omaha, Nebraska in 1961, he tries to leave phoney-baloney L.A. behind as often as he can and bring a little dirty movie money to his cash-strapped state, and filming the stories of Nebraska. Like his Nebraska trilogy: Citizen Ruth, Election and About Schmidt.
But, like Cameron Crowe's love affair with Seattle, all good things have to eventually come to an end. And like Jerry Maguire, Payne scored a critical and a modest financial success with Sideways. Yes, combining his love of wine with his experience working on the late-night cable fare, a series called Inside Out, Payne & company were showered with Oscar noms left and right for this Seinfeld-esque bawdy romp through wine country... somewhere in California. But just like Gods and Monsters, the statuette ended up going to directorial management, as opposed to rewarding the labour of the actors and... producers and directors involved.
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So, how about it? What is Payne's favorite decade of his career? Was it the 80s, where the fall of disco gave way to the rise of MTV, hair metal, and Sally Cruikshank-esque stylistics in all forms of art? Or was it the 90s, with its ... whatever the hell the 90s was about? The rise of Michael Kuhn and independent cinema? The uneasy blending of hippie culture and multinational business conglomerates? Or maybe the 2000s, when every film makes some kind of veiled reference to the Iraq War? If I had to guess, I'd say the 2000s, when all that hard work paid off with the screenwriting Oscar for Sideways. Even though Payne doesn't seem like that kind of guy, so obsessed with the now. He'd probably say the 90s, when the critical acclaim first started rolling in, and he could lay claim to 'discovering' Reese Witherspoon.
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So, what does the future hold for Mr. Payne? Well, with an arrondissement of Paris, je t'aime under his belt, these are clearly the emeritus years, when film students will flock to his side, asking about the old days. And he's heading back into TV territory with something called Hung... oh, right. HBO. I guess they wouldn't have something like that on NBC... yet. Maybe Will Arnett's working on such a thing. Plus, there's that successful producing career, no doubt funded by the success of Sideways. And, like P.T. Anderson, he ventured into Adam Sandler territory with that whole Chuck and Larry thing... how soon they forget. Even after that delightful comedy, America STILL hates gay marriage. Oh, but he's far from out of the silver screen game. He's got something coming up called... Fork in the Road. Er, I hate to play second baseman driving in the back seat like an albatross, but... Jim Kouf's already got A Fork in the Road coming up.
And I'm pretty sure he's got the right of way. Oh, with National Treasure 2 on the resumé? Definitely. Not that you're not a treasure as well, Payne... Payne's also got his biopic coming up. David Strathairn is going to play Alexander Payne. And I gotta go...

Summer's winding down...

...but the heat wave's coming back! For some reason the news didn't seem to have much about massive numbers of heat-wave related deaths. See? The new administration's not all bad. Yeah, I know, I'm just trying to get lots of angry mobbers to flock to my site. Nope! This ain't where it's at... but I know a hot trend when I see one, and this Usain Bolt's got legs! Plus, that Michael Johnson guy's kinda plateau'd. I'm going to call it here and now: Stephen Colbert's going to claim Usain Bolt for the USA. I mean, it's right there in his name! USAin!
¶ Anyway, on to less pressing news. I gotta keep it short as my workload's picking up again. Or I'll keep it long but not do a second draft... Oh, it's an exciting new crop to be sure. Four debuts this week, and I've already got a new entry to add to my year-end round-up of one-weekers! A Perfect Getaway! No, I highly doubt it's coming back, as it didn't opt for the indie release strategy like (500) Days of Summer did. No, Twohy just had to hedge his bets and assume dumping it into 3000 theaters immediately would be the smart play. But don't worry. He bounces back better than even Michael Cimino. Having a high profile movie like A Perfect Getaway totally bomb at the box office is not going to slow down Mr. Twohy, no sir. Not this time, anyway.
But let's get back to this week's crop. At #1, kinduva shock to me, it's District 9. I think I played that video game once. And look! Why, it's rising through the IMDb Top 250 ranks faster than Memento! Must be the cast and crew voting for it. Hmmm. GI Joe holds the green zone strong at #2. And The Time Traveler's Wife finds an audience in third place. Well, you gotta hand it to that Jennifer Garner! She puts da butts in da seats.... it's not her? Oh, right. Rachel McAdams. Damn Canucks. Her interview on The Daily Show was kinda awkward. Guess she's not used to the whole talk show racquet.
At #4, it's Julie & Julia. Oh, I tell you, it's falling faster than one of those cakes that The Three Stooges make. Remember? They fill it up with gas like it's a tire and... ah, skip it. Now all the critics are just nitpicking this like crazy, like ants at a picnic. Oh, the Julia Child part of the movie was good, now if they could just cut out that whole Julie Powell part. Oh, Amy Adams is as capable an actress as any and her characters are USUALLY likable but... Where's the loyalty, guys? Where's the sense of civic pride? Can you curb your jealousy for just three seconds? Sure, this Julie Powell's annoying and grating and narcissistic... and she's as American as a ten pound helping of apple pie. I know, Colbert and Maher have used that one. Or they'll say, it's as American as a piece of apple pie inside a gallon drum of vanilla ice cream, on top of a pizza hamburger... YGTI. No, it fits right in to a long tradition of movie quests inspired by someone else, like Donnie Brasco clinging to the mob or the pupil in Apt Pupil or that kid in A Bronx Tale that ended up going to prison... Mentoring! In the computer age. Or maybe it's just that Julie Powell's nothing less than the female Hemingway: "...To catch a fish, to kill a bull, to chop up a big mountain of onions, to drop a chicken on the floor and pout about it, kicking the floor with your heels, to make love to a man... in short, to LIVE." Thank God for the Simpsons! If you take out the websites that don't reference that episode where Martin Prince does a Hemingway impression, you only get four sites that use that line.
And rounding out the top 5, those little rat bastards of the G-Force. Where's that trap?
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As for the rest, oh, I just get so depressed. Contemplating the lower half of the list. Well, we got two debuts: the much advertised The Goods. It's the curse of Dave Chappelle: the director is Neal Brennan, Dave's old whitey writing partner. Apparently they're never going to work again, like, for ever and ever. Guys! If Eddie Murphy and John Landis can patch things up... well, maybe that's a little unfair to Landis. Meanwhile, Paramount Vantage is going to have to shut down for a while... a LONG while. I think they broke the bank on this one. As for Harry Potter... only five weeks on the top 10 so far? And ALREADY at #7? Oh... so depressing. The only thing close to that for me would have to be Saturday Night Live, as in, something I tried to watch as a kid growing up, going to school. I was just getting out of high school when The Simpsons started up. I can't imagine what it would be like to watch The Simpsons in the fourth grade, then watch it through high school. And maybe that's for the best. Same with Harry Potter. But there will be whole legions of kids out there who've grown up with the series, both physically and mentally. Why, they're already saying the first two were strictly for the young-uns. Well, shyeah! And they made the most money, too! Plus, kids have very small attention spans these days... what was I saying? Oh, right. Something called Ponyo debuts at #9. I think I smell a Best Animated Feature Oscar winner! Well, if Disney can't make a non-Pixar winner, they'll buy one, damn it. Over 'n out.

Oh, great... Just what we need: another review of 300

Have you ever thought to yourself, you know, I liked The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, but somehow the big battle sequences just weren't manly enough? Well, has Hollywood got just the movie just for you! That's right, it's 300! And besides, LOTR:ROTK was SO three years ago. (Assume you're reading this the week of 300's release... I'm not too late, am I?) And I would frankly be derelict in my duty if I didn't point out that it's based on the battle of Thermopylae (480 B.C.). If you're able to figure out the 'loosely' part, you're probably not going to enjoy this movie. Fair warning.

And that's pretty much the thick of the plot. Some backstory, basic character development, yada yada. Besides, you know how the real story can ruin things like this!

Now, you're probably going to read a lot of other reviews of this movie, and they're going to talk about EXTREME faithfulness to graphic novels, and emphasis on legend over history or character development, or even great dialogue, and all manner of nitpicky junk like that. Well, I don't know about any of that kind of stuff, but I do know this: for myself, it's more about the ending of an era: the VCR era. Some of you out there may be old enough to remember such an era. Say you're watching something like O Brother Where Art Thou on an old VCR tape and you get to that part where the cow gets hit by the old timey police car? Now, how many of you out there saw that in the theater and thought to yourself, oh, that's the scene I'm jumping to when this comes out on video? Yeah, me too. Or how about that one scene with Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Why, you've never heard tell of the video store legends of the old videotapes snapping apart at that very scene? Then you simply haven't lived, my friend. You just can't BUY that kind of publicity! At least not anymore, not in the digital era. Ever heard of a YouTube video wearing down from overplay? Of course not. Don't be silly.

And yet, I didn't like Be Kind Rewind. What can I say? I'm a mass of contradictions that way.

Oh, but it's not just us in the dark, plopped down in front of TVs. No, Hollywood wants to get right to the good parts and speed things up as well. Take, for example, the practice of cutting out every 30th frame just to add a few more commercials. There's also the speeding up of dolly shots that are just too damn long. That's usually done in cable commercials just to jam in more movies to their montages. And a whooshing sound is thrown in... and usually the same one, too! Why, I remember as though it were yesterday when they did that to Hannibal's big first reveal in Silence of the Lambs: I was just too enthralled to be furious about it. But anyway, now that we're knee-deep in the DVD era, where rewinding a DVD just pales in comparison to rewinding a VCR tape, we get the post-Matrix era stylistics that people like Zack Snyder will now be trafficking in forever and ever, amen. Watch this with Watchmen and you'll see: slow-motion bits of glass flying as windows are punched out, slow-motion drops of blood with each new goring and slicing. A quote on the DVD cover says it's as groundbreaking as the Matrix, yet somehow the camera doesn't move as sweepingly here. And of course, the Onion's got the best quip about how the scenes look like they were filmed on a green-screen sound stage about 5 feet by 5 feet. And it's true! Somehow, LOTR made the canvas seem bigger. Partly because SOME OF THEM WERE. 300 was produced in part by a studio called Virtual Studios. Take my advice, guys: get outside once in a while! Don't stay inside the Virtual Studio all the time! Even Zemeckis can still get a sense of depth! Learn from him or something!

Why, I haven't even gotten to the plot yet! Maybe I'm just not manly enough, or maybe I've just kind of outgrown all this rah-rah Army Corps stuff, which 300 trafficks in in spades! It doesn't last forever, youngsters. And while 300 is as un-immune to the current Presidential politics of the moment as the next movie, it at least tries to make things fair and balanced in the other direction. Either you're a manly Spartan soldier, ready to march off to war to die for your beloved Sparta, or you're an evil, corrupt, moribund, LIBERAL member of some ugly, old council saying no, probably just for the sake of saying no. And there's NO MIDDLE GROUND, of course. Of course, they didn't have middle ground back then. Unless you're part of that other army that tried to help out the Spartans... I can't remember already. Were they Athenians? The thing is, America may be Sparta, but Iraq was no Persia, and Saddam was no Xerxes. Guess I better stop there and let the healing begin. Actually, it seems like most other critics didn't think it worth it to point any of that out, so maybe I'm just crazy after all! ...no, wait. The Guardian bears me out: "...the idea of America having the Spartans' underdog status is not plausible." Thank you! ...I guess they're the only ones, and arguably they're just doing it to stick it to the Iranians. Yes, the USA back then apparently had a plan for seven wars total, but we're lazy and could only handle that whole Iraq thing. And to a much lesser extent, Afghanistan. See? Empire's tough! Really tough. Must be one of those jobs Americans don't wanna do. But now that Obama's in office, well, soldiers' lives have become valuable once again.

And speaking of The Return of the King, the Persian army's got battle elephants, too, but for those who thought the elephants were treated far too humanely in LOTR should find this very satisfying indeed. And then a battle rhino. No sense of wonder, Spartans? I know, I know. There I go again. And of course, they've got larger-than-life humans, and some with crab claws for hands! Well, things were bigger back then. Take dinosaurs, for example... ah, skip it. Point is, for me 300 can't claim more variety than Return of the King, but they sure seem to try!

As for the actors. Well, Faramir makes a fine narrator and an okay part of the cast. And I THOUGHT that dude that looks like Lance Henriksen was in this! You may remember him best as Elaine's controlling psychiatrist on Seinfeld. Zack must like that guy or something. What's up with that beard, dude? Get that guy a tall Lincoln hat! And Gerard Butler does a fine job as King Leonidas... but I confess to my shame that I couldn't help but wonder what Tom Green would've done with the part. And he could've bulked up for it, you know! Oh yeah! He's a skateboarder! I mean, you GOTTA be in shape to do that! The Guardian notes that there's an homage to Gladiator, with a similar walk in a field of wheat. I caught that as well, but just as quickly forgot. And he does have a few moments of well-done levity: first, when he takes his 300 "bodyguards" out for a stroll, and second, when he's eating that apple. As for Lena Headey, ... oy. What HAPPENED to you, girlfriend? You were so good in Ripley's Game! I fear you're going to become the next Catherine Hicks. I also remembered her as the kinda bland love interest / Amazonian warrior in The Brothers Grimm. I know, Heaven forfend. But HERE! As Queen Gorgo, well, I couldn't help but think of that line that Maureen Dowd said about women today getting in touch with their "inner slut." Yeah, that's right. Well, maybe it's just me, but some of the scenes here would fit right in on Cinemax. Or so I'm told. Especially Headey's and Butler's big love scene before heading off to war. Somehow it didn't seem to be terribly historical lovemaking to me, but I guess some things never change. And in a complete non-sequitur, I coulda sworn that was Richard Brake as Quasimodo, but I guess not. No, bigger fish for him to fry, it seems. Oh yeah, and Headey gets to stab a guy here. Cool.

And the music: somehow hard rock seemed inappropriate to me, but I could sorta dig it. Yeah, I could get used to watching the slaughter of ancient soldiers while the Metallica is cranked up, what the hell. However, the usual orchestral fanfare ultimately ends the day, but I think the end credits get back to a'rockin'. My advice: don't watch the end credits on your video iPod. Too small.

This is another picture produced by this fascinating new studio called Legendary Pictures, which also produced the new Superman movie and The Dark Knight. Somehow, 300 is not legendary like THOSE pictures. More like Beerfest and Observe and Report legendary.

**
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Haven't I suffered enough? Mr. Accident

Let's face it. Sometimes movies are like Big Macs: you don't have to see the whole thing to know what you're going to get. If it's an Adam Sandler movie, can you even doubt that a bully's going to beat up on Sandler's character? Or Nick Swardson? Or that Rob Schneider's going to show up at some point? If it's a Zack Snyder picture, can you even doubt that the film will slow down so we can enjoy the stabbings all the more? If it's a Stanley Kubrick pic, can you even doubt there will be dramatic xylophone music? You get the idea.
Or sometimes, you'll just barely miss the opening credits. Why, I can't tell you how many times I came in on the same 15-minutes-into-the-movie mark with Big Trouble (2002). (technically, 2001 - the release date was pushed back because of... you guessed it! 9/11.) Or the time I and my viewing companions came in late on Them Thar Hills and we didn't realize that the... well, I don't want to give it away. The same goes with 2000's Mr. Accident: a Yahoo Serious joint. Arguably, it does sound like a Roberto Benigni vehicle. Actually, it sounds like the working title, but that's just me. I'm a jaded sophisticate that way. Why, that's not even his name! It's Crumpkin! Good comedy name. Like Marty McFly or Lincoln Hawk.
Now, of course, the jaded sophisticates over at The Onion compare this to a Farrelly Brothers vehicle. Oh, please. Maybe a '90s Farrelly vehicle, but now they've got Oscar pretensions: a little too heavy on the sob stuff, not enough of the gross-out stuff anymore. No, this is more like an Adam Sandler vehicle: not quite for the adults, but not quite something you'd want to have babysit your kids, either. A lot of sexual innuendos, a dash of decolletage, and of course there's the matter of the fat bottomed cop. SPOILERS! Normally, you wouldn't think to ask yourself in a film like this if you were eventually going to see that ass naked... or am I just that out of touch with modern cinema? No, of course not. Don't be silly.
Where was I? Oh yeah. The hipsters over at the Onion also said that Yahoo Serious (neé Greg Pead) is a Johnny Rotten look-alike, but I will come to Serious' defense here: Yahoo's more like Rotten's more handsome twin brother. With a 10% Rastafari haircut... Damn! TV time early. I gotta go, but let me just briefly add that the cascading garbage sequence is damn near a classic. Sometimes, a film has a gentleness of spirit that you're willing to cut it some slack. As for the bad guy, well, ya blew it, Yahoo! This was the perfect chance for you to play TWO parts: Yin and Yang. And dare I say his anxiety over turning 40 is YOUR anxiety, Mr. Serious? I mean, Mr. Accident? Boo-yah! Nailed it. I gotta go...

**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Kenny Ortega

Ah, NOW we're talking. Here's a perfect example of how Hollywood does occasionally reward a few people who keep their heads down to the grindstone, keep their damn mouths shut and just do the damn work. And while Kenny Ortega surely longs for the days of Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers and Busby Berkeley, he's nevertheless forced to embrace the new age while carrying on the traditions of old, inserting homages wherever and whenever he can. Why, to all the young people he's working with now, he might as well BE Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers! Both on some days. ¶ Born in the industry's backyard, he started off as a choreographer on such cinematic historical milestones as Xanadu, One from the Heart, and Shag (1989). But somehow, making dancers' lives miserable just wasn't enough, and directing seemed to be the next best step up for him. But he quickly learned to leave his R-rated ways behind and stick with the TV work he was getting. Doing TV work is pretty cool, incidentally: it's like watching dailies, except the whole world can watch 'em too!

But while he toiled in the TV directing sulfur mines, fate was about to intervene, and apparently an opportunity presented itself. And it was a big one, too: why, what self-respecting member of the DGA WOULDN'T want to take on an old fashioned movie musical? ...darn! The IMDb doesn't have any juicy gossip about all the directors that passed on Newsies before Ortega took it. Looks like just studio talking points. Well, it says Mike Finnell was one of the producers, so all I can assume is that Joe Dante must've dropped out. No, they lucked out with Ortega: not only does he direct, but he of course doubles here as ... yep! You guessed it! Choreographer! Boo-yah. He knows how the game is played. That's what killed Hornaday's career: he thought he'd never have to go back to the day job. But our man in Amsterdam knew better than that. And with the smashing success of Newsies under his dance belt, Kenny Ortega knew this was his big chance to write his own ticket. Would he take that Swing Kids gig after all? No, of course not. What are you, crazy? Not wanting to be typecast just yet, Ortega would expand his directorial horzions, if only a little, and go on to do some blatant holiday higgledy-piggledy called Hocus Pocus. And when even THAT didn't fool enough people into the theaters, it was back to TV work for him full time, and double time even. But I will say that Hocus Pocus still has, for my money, one of the best scenes of fingers getting severed by a manhole cover that gets run over by a car, like, maybe ever! Well, that and Old Yeller, of course.

And so, it's back to the TV work full time. Hard to say how those dynamics work in TV director hell. I mean, when you do a hit show, does it help or hurt your career? I mean, he didn't end up on E.R., but he did the next best thing: Chicago Hope. That's good, right? Ally McBeal? Oh, even better! Ortega was going strong in 2000 at the nifty age of 50. Most people are thinking about retirement by then, and their subsequent emeritus years, but ol' Kenny's just getting warmed up. And always ready with a Jack Lemmon-style birthday bash at his house, right? Who knows. And then, something called The XIX Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony came along. Sounds nice. Sounds like one of those Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat knock-offs. And suddenly, he was a veritable TV kingmaker, sticking with the Golden Girls... I mean, Gilmore Girls. And I'm sure a rabid fan of that show will tell you that Mr. Ortega directed some of the series' better episodes: back when the show was hip and fresh, and the cast and crew were lean and hungry and yearning for success, and the storylines weren't getting too weird. Yes, like the Simpsons, I'll concede that point.

From there, the gods at Disney must've been crazy, or maybe they saw something the rest of us didn't, and Ortega's slate was wiped clean once again. All this working with the young people was about to pay off some nice quarterly dividends, and he'd get to KEEP working with young people. Not young people like Larry Clark works with, mind you. Young people like The Cheetah Girls, and the cast of the high school musical High School Musical, eventually culminating in the spectacular box office performance of the theatrical release of High School Musical 3... I remember that! I remember it as though it were yesteryear. Oh, thank God I do these weekly box office reports! But he wasn't about to let success go to his head. No, he found the time in his newly packed schedule to do some pro bono work, in the form of the Michael Jackson Memorial which aired on July 7th of this year, thereby bringing closure to the non-stop news coverage of a grieving nation, and ushering in the non-stop news coverage of MJ conspiracy theories: is he dead? Is he alive? Where's the body? Was it ... MURDER?!!! ... I don't get it! Where's George Schlatter? I thought for sure he'd have a hand in this! ..I mean, the TV memorial, of course.

On the other hand, maybe it wasn't pro bono work at all! Why, look! Look what's apparently getting a theatrical release later this year. This Is It. ...that's the title of it, incidentally. Yes, now it seems like some kind of an awful ruse. The dead are still dead, man! What gives? No one's going to the re-release of The Wiz. What makes you think THIS is going to sell?

But then again, what do I know. It's just the jealousy talking, Ortega. Incidentally, in other exciting Ortega news, he's at last getting his revenge for being excluded from the original Footloose and inscribing his name forever into the book of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon with the 2010 Footloose reboot. Then again, does it still count if Bacon's not in the remake? Maybe Kev could play the crusty old dean this time. He is at that age, after all, even though he still looks quite boyish. Plus, he got screwed by Bernie Madoff so he could use the work. Anyway, we'll all be waiting patiently for that Footloose remake. Ironically, Kenny Loggins wants no part of it this time. Maybe HE could play the crusty old dean!

Box Office Review by the Massie Twins... (again?)

Wow! Between G.I. Joe and G-Force, I'm all gee-whizzed out. I haven't seen G.I. Joe yet, but I think that falling Eiffel Tower could've used a few more passes through Renderman or something. There was something not quite right about it. I didn't know CGI models were also made of toothpicks! Cool!

Anyway, yes. GI Joe is #1, thank God. Some things you can still depend on. But I would expect nothing less from director Stephen Sommers. Maybe not a remake of Deep Rising, but nothing less than #1 for this thingie. I bet he got a little kick out of the fact that The Mummy 3 didn't reach #1, but that's what it gets for opening in the wake of The Dark Knight. Duh! On the other hand, one of the IMDb headlines was "Critics be damned! GI Joe's #1..." I hate to say I was ahead of the curve, but most of us already know that that's the trade-off: some movies get panned by the critics, like Transformers 2, and go on to rake in big bucks at the box office with a really big and awesome rake. Most movies die quick, sometimes deserved deaths... right, Rudin? Some films like Quantum of Solace can sometimes have it all: a blockbuster with a modicum of action, plot AND character development... I know. Bad example. But here's my question: if Brendan Fraser's not in the movie, how come his assistant gets credit?

Clocking in at a close second, little to no surprise, it's Julie and Julia. Oh, Nora Ephron's just lucky the economy's picking up again, and yuppies are a little more willing to spend money on the fun things. But not content to play it safe and trust her product, PBS had old classic reruns of ... you guessed it! Julia Child! Who knew? Sadly, Julia Child looks a little less like Meryl Streep and a little more like Susan Boyle. But at least she doesn't give off that creepy maternal Martha Stewart vibe. No, we've already been through that movie, thank you very much. Incidentally, Nora's next project will be Searching for Fred Rogers. I think it'll be about the Blue's Clues guy. William H. Macy will portray Fred Rogers... not quite a facial match, but you can't have everything, right? Besides! He's an actor's actor! He can do anything... and probably shouldn't.

At #3, it's G-Force. Don't care. At #4 it's Harry Potter and the... don't care. Finally, rounding out the top 5 this week is ... Ordinary People, Crazy People, Smart People, Winter People, Fierce People... Funny People! That's it! I hate to say I told you so, but...
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At #6 is The Ugly Truth. Appropriately titled somehow, seeing as how it's like a cat in a cartoon, sliding down the curtain, clinging with all claws, slowly ripping its way to the floor. Dang, that must be painful for a poor kitty. In reality. At #8, Aliens in the Attic manages to avoid my year-end wrap up. We'll see if A Perfect Getaway at #7 is that lucky.

At #10, 500 Days of Summer breaks through the canopy and gets some light! Now, how come The Hurt Locker's been unable to do that? Personally, I think I'm burned out on all so-called romcoms forever and ever, amen. Indeed, God has hardened my heart and... in a stunning reversal of fortune, Orphan and Summer switch places! Orphan drops to #10, and Summer rises to #9!
Big deal. I'm outta here.

Auteur Watch - Stuart Orme

What the heck, might as well take care of this one too, as long as I'm still up. ¶ As we continue our alphabetical march through film's most infamous auteurs... damn! Already up to the 0's? I mean, oh's? Where has this year gone, long time passing? Such as...
Anyway, this guy came on my radar with a little inexplicable thingie called Robert A. Heinlein's The Puppet Masters. For you it might have been The Wolves of Willoughby Chase, but to each his own. Or her own. THEIR own. Stephanie Beacham? I think she sounds familiar... oh, she tango'd with Brando and survived to tell the tale. Few have, apparently. (WWC's wide open, by the way. Post your review today!!)

Anyhow, some filmmakers were destined to be thrust into the spotlight, like Quentin Tarantino and Fred Ashman. And others, like Stuart Orme, get into that hot light and decide they don't like it, and jump right back out of the fire into the frying pan. Like Orme did with Puppet Masters. And... wow! Goyer? Elliot/Rossio? This must've been your 1941! Trial by screenplay fire, indeed! But he's got as substantial a body of work as anybody at this point (back to Orme, yes...)

...so how about it? Which decade of his career do you think he likes best? Was it the 80s, when he was lean and hungry, and indeed, there was nothing to worry about? Or was it the go-go 90s? The post-AIDS era, where our brief flirtation with the lambada would give way to our more respectable marriage to the macarena? So close to silver screen greatness, but so bounced back to cold hard, TV movie reality. Just like Rod Dainel and Tony Bill. C'est la vie. Quel fromage.

Or maybe Orme's favourite is the Roaring 2000s? Oh, things were picking up for Mr. Orme now. A little older, a little wiser, he'd put on his Borehamwood Studios 15 indeed. His music video work was paying off in spades now. And I saw clips of The Lost World featured prominently in... some HD documentary about this really tall place in the Amazon. And he was finally getting to his horror film roots again, with scary titles like Cold Blood and Ghostboat and Goodbye Mr. Chips and ... Fungus the Bogeyman? Good Lourdes! What next? Moribund the Burgermeister?

Oh, surely the 2000s are his favourite decade. Why, look! He's even running the risk of getting his name back on American TV with two episodes of Merlin! This time, the legend's done right. Slightly better effects than the 1998 Merlin, and it doesn't take itself too seriously. Yeah, it was quite a decade indeed, but the road looks to be leading right back to silver screen greatness with 2011's upcoming London Fog. No insider info as of yet, except that the script's by some dude or dudette named Indy Feige. Oh, they can only be related to one person: damn you, Kevin! I gotta go...

Box Office Overview from the Massie Twins

And speaking of Cash for Clunkers, let's take a look at this week's box office. But not too closely; I've got homework to get back to. Well, it comes as little to no surprise to me that Funny People is #1 this week. Who knew? The saturation bombing ad campaign paid off. But I have a feeling it might not last a second week at #1, that the Maxim crowd et alia were expecting a balls-to-the-wall wall-to-wall laugh fest, but then it takes a left turn and turns into either Sideways or Whose Life Is It Anyway. And 2 1/2 hours? Dude, what were you thinking? Make it 87 minutes, like Rob Schneider's comedies! More showings, more money! Duh! ¶ And, you know, someone out-clevered me. An AP critic noted that Spielberg's cameraman, Janusz Kaminski did the film, and since it's semi-serious, what with the whole terminal disease thing, they called it "Sandler's List." Damn! Beaten to the punch. But I will observe that this is similar to Jerry Maguire, which Kaminski also lensed, and which tends to meander a little past its welcome. Oh, it's more than just a delivery device for the "Show Me The Money" catch phrase, no question. It's a big, long, 138-minute delivery device that's mostly filler. Oh, snap! Oh, no he di'int!

The only other debut this week is a little turd of magic... I'm sorry, I mean an underappreciated cinematic gem called Aliens in the Attic. While it's not getting the exposure of, say, the upcoming Shorts... well, frankly, I just don't know how to end that sentence! Once again, a film slips into the Top 10 under my massive radar. Even if it's at #5. They must've stuck with strictly Nickelodeon and Noggin or something. I didn't see any ads for it! Not that I would've gone anyway, of course. And Ashley Tisdale? Oh, girlfriend. Are you big enough to stick it to Disney like this? You took an oath of fealty, my friend. This is why Miley Cyrus is so much bigger, I'm afraid. ¶ And as long as we're talking cameramen, ... oh, Don Burgess. How far you've fallen. You and Dean Cundey. Don't you miss the big time, boys? You no longer play the game! You're no longer on the ball! Is Zemeckis really that much of a brutal taskmaster? And Dean, you could always go back to John Carpenter, right? RIGHT?...
But one comment about the film's story itself. I'd wait for next week, but this might not stick around that long. But the main family in the pic is called the Pearson family. And that Pearson family seems awfully diverse and expansive for one family. But I guess Carter Jenkins could be Kevin Nealon's kid in the final analysis. No, the way it's SUPPOSED to work (in Hollywood) is Ashley Tisdale's supposed to be the girl that Carter's trying to woo. They're brother and sister here! How are they supposed to woo?
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Well, as long as I got a response from CNN about that closed-captioning thingie, might as well go for 2, but I highly doubt this one will get a response. Now, I love watching my local news in HD as much as the next guy. After all, if we're going to hear about local scams, local fires, local shootings and murders and rapes and molestations, it might as well be in HD. But I coudln't help but notice these slim, white horizontal bars that would fade away with the lettering used to say which part of the state something was from, etc. My viewing companions didn't seem to notice, but it's the kind of thing you couldn't just call Directv to complain about. Haven't they suffered enough?

Well, this is odd! The bottom 4 films have more in the bank than the top 4! I find stuff like that mildly interesting for a second or two. As for films only in their second week, like The Ugly Truth - Oh, you just can't buy publicity like this: there were these two guys leaving the gym as I was entering. One was on a cellphone, of course, asking about the movie they were going to see... "The Ugly Truth? How is it?" The other guy goes, "Hilarious." Nuff said. Of course, that was before they saw it, but isn't that what movies live and die based upon? "Oh, the film was great. I was finally able to clear out my cellphone inbox! Can you believe I had text messages from a year ago? Good Lourdes!"

One last non-sequitur. Open letter to Gwen Stefani: you really should do something about the lyrics to that song "It ain't no heart attack, girl!" Re-record it or something. Olivia Newton John's threatening to sue! You're not the Cocteau Twins here! We want NO ambiguity in our song lyrics, ghurlfriend!