BONUS Auteur Watch - Coen Bros.

I think this is how I came up with my auteur decade theory in the first place! Hard to say with the Coens, and they'd probably never admit it, but it seems like each decade was fraught with equal parts glory and shame. The nineties didn't merit as many Oscars as did the 2000s, but surely they're pining for their ill-spent youth. As you can see from the handy chart, they're totally throwing off my theory with A Serious Man. Hail Caesar is supposed to go in that spot, but Clooney was too busy doing Leatherheads at the time... guess that's close enough. Perhaps if I re-title the 40s noir category as the "Doomed Protagonist" category instead. I'll rest up on it. Meanwhile, just saw a little bit of Army of Darkness and, just like in Crimewave, before the bad guys attack they cry out "Ramming speed!" No good line goes un-recycled. I better go now.

Short Reviews - October 2009

AKA The Year of the Wiig - I was going to say The Year of the Bateman. They've both had a good year. Jason Bateman's got 5 movies under his belt for 2009. Justine's so jealous! But Kristen's no slouch herself. She's got three live-action, one voice work, not to mention SNL and SNL Thursdays. And! And as a bonus, BOTH were in Extract playing husband and wife!
Personally, I think Wiig's playing too many deliberately strange characters on SNL, but maybe I'm being unfair. I finally stopped caring who was hosting the show. I used to pretty religiously check for that, but if Alec Baldwin were to do it again or Tom Hanks or Christopher Walken or... nah, I'm at the point where I'll let someone else tell me about how great it was. Besides! The last time Hanks hosted, he actually SAID that he came back because the show was respectable again! They're going through a similar phase of UN-respectability now. Oh, but there I go again on my own, going down the only road...

Law Abiding Citizen - Or is it The Year of the Butler? This is his third big movie this year, but is it the one we should care about? I think it's Gamer, personally...

Twilight: New Moon - Oh, the Dagoba chocolate company's missing out on a great opportunity. They already have bars named 'Eclipse' and 'New Moon'. Now they just need one called 'twilight' and 'breaking dawn' and they got the whole series covered! I suggest they change 'conacado' to twilight and xocolatl to breaking dawn. Piece of cake.

Saw VI - Somehow I don't think this will generate the same excitement that Zombieland has.

Whip It - When are Ellen Page and Haley Joel Osment going to do a movie together?

Edge of Darkness - I liked it the first time... when it was called Taken... Death Wish... what else?
It's about a Boston cop, which is why William Monahan is on board. Second Oscar coming up! It's directed by Martin Campbell, known mainly for James Bond movies and James Bond-esque movies, and movies with Stuart Wilson in it... oh, sorry, I guess there's just the three: No Escape, The Mask of Zorro and Vertical Limit.

Sh*t Year - But... you can't call a film that!

Inglorious Bastards - Oh, who cares. Standards are slipping everywhere.

Bastard Out of Carolina - Oh, please. Bastards are everywhere these days.

The Men Who Stare At Goats - Brought to you by LaLoo's Ice Cream

Bandidas - Penelope Cruz AND Salma Hayek as bank robbers? You mean, they already MADE the movie of my dreams and didn't TELL ME?!!!!! Of course, Rodriguez didn't make it, so it probably sucks.

The Fourth Kind - Comma Close Encounters Of?

Pirate Radio - From the geniuses that brought you Love Actually? I'm SO there!

Holy Matrimony (1943) - It's Cregar-ific!

Holy Matrimony (1994) - It's Gordon-Levitt-tastic!

Sorry, folks, I've been preoccupied this month. Hmm! All the hyperlinks are food related! I must be hongry or something...

Auteur Watch: Ron Underwood

Kinda looks like a younger, handsome-r Jonathan Demme, huh? Well, let's jump right into the decade question here. Which decade do you think is Ron's favorite? Was it the go-go 80s when America was coming out of its disco coma and embracing the punk mohawk, and spandex was high fashion? Seems like we traded one set of bad clothes for another with the 70s and 80s. But ol' Ron here, with future Tremors writing partners Brent Maddock and S. S. Wilson, they were stranded in Short Film Land, where filmmaking's experimental and fun!
Or was it the go-go 90s, which made the 60s look like the 50s? With 1990's Tremors, Ron's auteur days were in full swing... sort of. The film work wasn't steady, but City Slickers helped out a tiny bit, I think. It made more than When Harry Met Sally, right? Oh, snap! Then came Heart and Souls, and people started to have their doubts. Then came Speechless, and the doubts came a little harder. It was time for a break for four years, but then came Mighty Joe Young. Another four years, and it was Pluto Nash, and people started to realize that a $100 million film wasn't necessarily a sure-fire bet anymore. I think that was the first. I mean, Wild Wild West was a spectacular failure, but it at least made #1 the opening weekend.
Which means we've already started a new decade, and I guess if Ron were here, he'd probably say that the 2000s are his favorite decade: the Bush years. No great strides in fashion or pop culture worth remembering; it's pretty much a top-down structure. Comedy became beholden to the executive branch, taking its cues from the White House. Fashion became about the people, not the clothes, and someone like Paris Hilton could pass for a Horatio Alger type. For Ron, TV was the new silver screen, and he hit it big. Not just anyone can make it directing episodes of shows like Boston Legal, Eli Stone and Ugly Betty! 2009 in particular finds him directing the sequel to Santa Baby, called Santa Baby 2 for simplicity. Good luck with that. I guess I better get Santa Baby 1 on Netflix or something!
So here's to you, Ron Underwood, and may the 2010s be your favorite decade as well. Jesus loves you more than you will know, whoa whoa whoa...

Risin' Like a Phoenix!

Oh, the hipsters over at Rotten Tomatoes may relegate and say this is just a stealth campaign of a major studio to market a low-budge fake indie phenom; but hey! Whatever saves on film stock, right? Use the more eco-conscious choice... something like that. Well, I haven't seen anything like it in terms of box office power, but Paranormal Activity rises to #1 after floundering a bit. I doubt that The Room's going to do this well, but it does have that cult following. Yer breakin' my heart!!!
I gotta focus on the debuts this week. The big shocker is that something beat the latest chapter in the Saw franchise. What I can't figure out is who are these people who end up being in all the sequels? They must be Jigsaw's assistants or something. I'm trying to avoid actually seeing the movies, personally. Also new this week: Astro Boy and the latest greatest vampire movie ever, Cirque du Freak. Don't care, don't care. Gotta go. ...but before I do, how did A Serious Man do this weekend? I did my part, guys! (10/29/09 emergency update: I was going to post a pic of someone in the green-tinted darkness with glowing eyes, but I knew I was missing a bet when these annoying ads with the Jack Black-esque Billy Mays wannabe in them started popping up everywhere. You go, sistah-mann!)

Auteur Watch - David Twohy

Pay attention, wannabes, because David Twohy's career is one you're gonna want to study, and carefully. First of all, because screenwriting is a surefure way to get in the biz, especially through the horror genre. Helgeland did it. Darabont did it. And, apparently, Twohy did it. Oh, and it helps to have an interesting name. Either a really interesting name, or a really bland one, like Jack Sholder.
Anyway, as wacked out as Twohy is, even HE would have to admit that things really started picking up after his screenplay for the big time Hollywood flick, 1993's The Fugitive. Not directed by him, which is probably for the best; and besides, he had prior commitments and/or scheduling conflicts.
And so, after clawing his way to the top over the bodies of fallen WGA comrades, he decides to blow his political capital on Charlie Sheen, of all people, first with Terminal Velocity, and then The Arrival. Well, he only directed the one, so he gets half the blame.
And then, what surely is his favorite decade, the rolling 2000s, began in full. This time, he was to hitch his wagon to rising star Mark Vincent... I mean, Robert L. Riddick, aka VIN DIESEL, b'atches!! But this high-octane star only puts out enough CO-cool for one director at a time, and right after Pitch Black, Vin decides to let Rob Cohen ruin his career for a while. But sequel time came, and Pitch Black 2 aka The Chronicles of Riddick, was born via painful C-section. And with TCoR in theaters at #1, the Times New Roman font was popular once again, but only after it was dolled up with a sci-fi twist. After THAT rollicking success, Twohy took a much-deserved 5-year vacation, which must've prompted him to write and direct 2009's A Perfect Getaway which, unfortunately, will be part of my year-end wrap-up of films that managed to stay on the Top 10 for EXACTLY one week!
But disaster has never held back David Twohy for long. What's up next on his plate? A coupla sequels: Brazilian Job, The and Untitled Riddick Sequel; sorry, peons! Only the fortunate subscribers to IMDb Pro can find out about THAT one!

Why, right here!

And the Hankster brings another beloved kids' book to life. Well, this one's doing better than The Ant Bully, anyway. I gotta keep it brief this week, folks, but let me just say that every time I go to the gym they play this annoying Lady Gaga song, "Poker Face." Which proves what I've always said: BOAT HORNS ARE NOT MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS!!!! Okay, back to the movies.
Law Abiding Citizen is vaguely like other movies at #2. Perhaps F. Gary Gray's moving up in the world after all! Call it his sequel to The Negotiator.
In some unusual news, Paranormal Activity leaps from #5 last week up to #3! There's rarely such movement in the Top 10, and given the film's budget of $11,000 (2007 dollars), all concerned are already on easy street! The cast of the film will file a class action lawsuit in no time. And finally, the last debut this week, is The Stepfather. I saw the original some 22 odd years ago... where was I? Oh yeah. The MAIN thing is, I briefly saw actor Dylan Walsh on some talk show, acting like he's Laurence Olivier or something. Oh, this is his moment to shine, baby! I keep confusing him with Dylan Baker. Different beast. I'm still waiting for him to do a road picture with Steve Buscemi and Willem Dafoe, playing brothers that have to drive a 57 Chevy across the country as part of their father's dying wish. Too bad Vincent Price is unavailable for that role! I'm still waiting for Baker to play Stan Laurel in a new reincarnation of Laurel & Hardy. Ethan Suplee's too thin now to play Babe. Oh well. I consider it a lost opportunity. Speaking of which, back to the homework...

Can't argue with that!

I believe it was William Goldman who once observed that movie stars are "totally worthless and absolutely essential." And so it goes with Wanted, and if the frat boy wannabes over at Maxim magazine don't think this is the coolest movie ever, well, I guess they're not so easily stereotyped after all.
I wanted to out-and-out like the movie, but it doesn't make it easy. There are some intractabilities, inherent and otherwise. First of all, the protagonist is described as a "milquetoast office worker," not so dissimilar from the reaper who works for Mrs. Herbig in Dead Like Me. He may be milquetoast on the outside, but he's a raging ball of disgruntlement on the inside. By fortunate coincidence, assassination is in his family lineage and fate jolts him out of his rut so that he may follow his true destiny. His name is Wesley Gibson, and he spends his day at the office Googling his name. Oh, how the internet has ruined everything. First head-scratcher: everyone's name should by now, at least in 2008, bring up one innocuous document or another, especially a movie name like Wesley Gibson. (As of this writing, 286,000 hits, 35,500 without 'Wanted') Even a moniker and a half like director Timur Bekmembatov gets 199!
Not to give too much away, but yes, it's one of those multi-layered movies that you have to watch at least one more time because of the intricate plot. Thanks a lot, The Sixth Sense! Second head-scratcher: when Wesley joins "The Fraternity," he gets a large sum of money into his account, money that his newly deceased dad that he never knew left him: okay, it's about $3.5 million. Unfortuantely for Wesley, it's not in Euros. Not enough to buy an NFL team, but nothing to sneeze at, either.
Now, you're probably asking yourself, hey, Movie Hooligan! This is the post-Matrix era. Can this ragtag band of killers defy the normal laws of gravity that you and I labor under? Why, YES! Apparently, if you shoot a gun, holding it like you're slapping someone upside the head with it, the bullets can curve around objects! So that high school calculus class you took comes in handy after all. And, like Kung Fu Hustle and Starship Troopers before it, Wanted features a Special Movie Healing gimmick: a bath that looks like white donut glaze that cures all. My friend who I always watch movies with complained when they stab Wesley in the hand with a rather large knife, which in real life could do serious damage. It would probably kill you, or at least paralyze your hand. I tried to explain to them that it's a movie, and that they have the Wile E. Coyote Health Insurance Plan, but they wouldn't have any of it. Also noting that the amount of times Wesley gets punched in the face by a big guy could wreak havoc on the ol' cheek bones, rendering him worse than Movie Ugly, going right to just plain un-filmable. A focus puller's worst nightmare. I bring up Starship Troopers because it's the only movie I know of where Jake Busey gets half-crucified in one hand with a knife, but is perfectly A-OK in the very next scene. Maybe Contact or The Frighteners, I forget.
Welp, I can see that I'm rambling on a lot longer than I cared to on this topic, but I will say that that train crash in the mountains was pretty spectacular if I do say so myself. Made up for the one in Spider Man 2, big time. But for me, the letdown half of the movie felt like I was being indoctrinated into the Russian mafia. But hey! At least they use artisan bullets! The main thing being: their Carpe Diem sentiments should be taken with a larger than normal grain of salt: I may have wasted my life, but this movie doesn't exactly make me regret that! They further threaten to make the anti-wuss memes boring. Oh, and Morgan Freeman gets to have a Samuel L. Jackson moment, so that must've been gratifying. But I will say that when he takes his bullet... bad acting, man. You won't have to give the Oscar back, but still. IMHO.

***
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Lee Tamahori

Welp, kinda like John Singleton before him, he may have started out as a serious filmmaker, but he found his true calling as a brainless action man! But he is my hero for getting started so late in the game... no, wait, he was a prodigy. Damn! He was a crackerjack boom operator at 28! I feel so old. Well, we still got Andrew Niccol and William Broyles Jr. to look up to, right, guys?
Let's focus on the career highlights. Graduating from the sound department to directing, he hit international paydirt with Once Were Warriors. Great title. I'm going to add it to my list. Well, it's not quite in the big league of title names, but close. I'm talking titles like: Future Shock. Castle Freak. Joey Breaker. A Rage in Harlem. If ... Dog ... Rabbit. Things We Lost in the Fire. You might not have seen the movie, but man! How about that title? It's a name you can really sink your teeth into when you go up and ask for that ticket.
Anyway, he had some caché and sashay after OWW and Mulholland Falls, and so what does he do with his career capital? He blows it all on The Edge. The stories about the making of which are, of course, more interesting than the film itself. But he does what he can, cribbing Spielberg's patented move of dollying up on an intensely-staring face. I'm guessing the 90s were his favorite decade.
Unless you're talking sheer budget costs, which means the 2000s were SURELY his favorite. One expensive bomb after another, except for Along Came a Spider... did that even get released theatrically? That was $28 million. Then the last Pierce Brosnan Bond pic Die Another Day. Budget? 142 million. Phew! Great gadgets in that one. Then came XXX Part 2: The Next Level. I'll find my DVD copy and prove that's the title, damn it! Budget? 87 million. Man! Can't a brother get a little respect here?
Then came Next, clocking in at $70 million. Oh, there's a clear trend here. Next thing you know, he'll be getting a script like Paranormal Activity on his desk. Can you keep it under $11,000?
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But, I think we've all learned that the current or next decade is always a director's favourite, and ol' Lee's getting into Oscar territory this time! Something called The Devil's Double, about "The real story of the man who was forced to become the double of Saddam Hussein's sadistic son". I confess, I cut and pasted that. Okay, maybe Saddam's kid was the Devil, but he did have a lot to live up to. I just hope this film isn't trying to do for the Iraq Occupation what We Were Soldiers tried to do for Vietnam. A toast to Lee Tamahori, ladies and gents! Have a Foster's for this guy, will ya?

The Vaughn-ie, Vincent Invasion

Dude, what happened to you, man? Surely the guy on the right is your less successful car salesman cousin? Well, all our facial angles can't be winners, I guess. We'll let this one go. We'll let it slide. Yes, once again Vince Vaughn proves he was the right choice for Dodgeball as his Couples Retreat is #1 at the box office this week. The only other debut is Paranormal Activity at #5, and with a budget of $11,000, the actors will surely sue for part of those profits!
As for the rest, well, I've got to keep it short this week, so I guess I'll shut up instead of making my usual preparations to 'nut up.' Zombieland at #2, but the cast and crew of the film AND of Jimmy Kimmel Live are skyrocketing it to the top of the IMDb Top 250. Good job, guys! CCM is #3, beating TS at #4. Feel sorry for Pixar, folks. They've had a tough year. Their costs keep skyrocketing like this, they'll have to just keep re-releasing everything of theirs!
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People are still sending their friends to go see Surrogates for them at #6, and... SURELY The Invention of Lying's budget was greater than $4 million? I have to believe that. How persuasive is this Ricky Gervais guy? He can't get the entire cast and crew to work pro bono for him, can he? Whip It continues to get its ass handed to it at #8, Capitalism: A Love Story continues to persuade Michael Moore to go back to TV shows at #9, and Fame at #10 just might put the final nail in MGM's coffin. No, wait, Hot Tub Time Machine will do that.

Hey! Get a room, guys!

Awright, let's try to get another review out of my dreams and into my car. Which brings us to 1984's The Killing Fields. Now, if you're anything like me, you've pretty much forgotten anything before Windows 95. For some it may be HDTV or your cellphone, but it's always sort of refreshing to watch one of these old movies... okay, fairly recent movies about events within ten to twenty years of its making. Okay? And 1984 was a good year for John Malkovich, appearing in True West and two Best Picture nominees! Isn't that wild?
The Killing Fields was nominated for seven Oscars and won three: cinematography, editing and Haing S. Ngor. I could have sworn the production design would've been nominated. That's two thirds of the budget right there! Oh well. Can't win 'em all. The music not getting nominated, not a surprise. But it must've been a profound experience overall, even for the supporting players. And given director Roland Joffe's resumé, this is clearly his master work. Goodbye Lover, not so much.
But if you're like me, and you see the world in terms of buddy pictures, like The Big Lebowski and Planes, Tranes and Automobiles, this is a buddy drama about Sydney Schanberg and Dith Pran in Vietnam-era Cambodia. Now I'm sure all the hipsters over at The Village Voice and The Onion would tell these two to get a room, but isn't that beside the point? Okay, maybe not. Oh, I wouldn't be doing my job as a film critic if I didn't say that Sam Waterston plays Schanberg as a man on the move, moving at the same fast New York City pace, whether he's walking around Cambodia trying to get a story, or walking up to accept his 1976 AIFPC Award.
There's not really much more to say than that. This is as real as it gets. You'll probably see it in Middle School history class, but it's a four star movie you should watch. Not too often, though, otherwise you lose the impact.

good double bill with: Cry Freedom

****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Spielberg

Is it time to do Spielberg again? This photo's going to be my ticket into ILM. Make me lead animator, please! Anyway, if I had to guess, I'd say from 1981 to 1984 would have to be Steven's favorite decade. I mean, let's face it! Normal time just doesn't apply to this guy! As always, he's got many irons in the fire. Looks like he's put his Lincoln film on hold again. Doesn't seem to be a serious R-rated Oscar contender on the horizon in his directorial cap. No, he seems to be headed back to his old popcorn movie days, producing such stuff as ... Transformers 3? How can anyone make money off that? Spider Man 3 was enough of a financial nightmare as it was; then again, most of the cost went to renting the expensive New York locales. Also, he's coddling Diablo Cody. You're barking up the wrong tree, man. He seems to be snubbing George Lucas for Peter Jackson and his WETA radio station... I mean, special effects house. He's producing PJ's The Lovely Bones, and these two Tintin movies have Gollum in it. But he'll go crawling back to Lucas anyway for... Indiana Jones 5. Yecch. Now that BETTER not suck. They just might end up making the new Star Wars trilogy seem... not so bad! Or are people that jaded from all the special effects? Personally, I think it's the unrealistic lighting that got to me, but I'll have to analyze that later, as soon as they send me some free DVDs... (cough!)

The Zombs Have It...

And the #1 sign you're having sex with your boss... it's David Letterman. I mean, we got FIVE debuts this week! And sadly, Pandorum has already departed this galaxy to make room for the newbies, so let's get started. But let me just give a brief shout out to Love Happens director Brandon Camp. Oh, Brandon. Make your daddy proud! Do that Hawmps! remake and soon!
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Anyway, coming in at #7 is Michael Moore's latest: Capitalism: A Love Story. Oh, it ain't like 2004, is it, buddy? At #6 is Drew Barrymore's directorial debut, Whip It. Okay, sophomore feature after Choose or Lose Presents: The Best Place to Start. It was a different time back then. Hmm! Just like Michael Moore could attest to, for example. But now, it's cutthroat business time, and these two just might switch places, depending on who wins the financial recount. Both tied at 4.85 million dollars? Surely there's some wiggle room!
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At #4 is Ricky Gervais' 2009 American cinematic project, The Invention of Lying. I bet he's hoping it at least does better than his 2008 American cinematic project, Ghost Town. So far, so good. If it stays on the charts next week, a little better. America loves you, Ricky, but I guess we just don't want to pony up for the pleasure. Sometimes it works out that way.
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Coming in at #3 is 1995's Toy Story, which just goes to show that sometimes the classic movies are the best. Who needs these new movies that are basically Toy Story remakes, anyway? But Pixar's no dummies, and they know people aren't ready yet for a revival of A Bug's Life.
Dang! My DVD-Rom drive is just chewing up this DVD, which brings us to #1's Zombieland. I haven't seen the light yet myself, but judging from the invisible hand of the free market, there is indeed room for another Shaun of the Dead. After all, that was British! We're Americans, damn it! Personally, I blame the ever-increasing muscle of Jimmy Kimmel and his Jimmy Kimmel Live. Zombieland director Ruben Fleischer graduated from the JKL school of directing, just like Bobcat Goldthwait and his WGD. And I'm sure the cast of Zombieland were on Jimmy Kimmel Live all last week, in between Adam Carolla and Sarah Silverman. Still, not bad for an R-rated comedy! Kevin Smith's still scratching his head over that one. Why, he's been doing R-rated comedies for years, but how come they don't hit #1?

Auteur Watch - Michael Schultz

Oh, damn, am I falling behind! Not good. On to the next auteur, immediatement!
Oh, T.D. Jakes. I hope you know what you're doing. But I guess even the director of Car Wash deserves redemption, dontcha think? So, which decade is this guy's favourite? I'm thinkin' either the go-go 70s or the go-go 80s, but I can't tell which has more theatrical releases. Or which has the higher quality. Probably the 70s with their kitsch value. Why, even Robert Greenwald, the new darling of the Left, had his Xanadu! During that critical transition period between the two decades. Yes, after 1991's Livin' Large! it was back to TV work full time and full bore. But big things are on the horizon: 2010's Pool Boy, which is either based on a forgotten Adam Sandler SNL character, or it's perhaps an ironic comment on our increasingly porno-centric culture. Either way, it probably means the 2010s are going to end up being Mr. Schultz' favourite decade. You're not older, you're better!

Food + Cinema = Family Fun!

Can ya believe it? Despite everything, I'm still at only 2% image storage capacity! ¶ Well, the homework's piling up again, so we'll just focus on the victor and the debuts at this week's box office.
And once again, it's Cloudy with a chance of... you know. It's like the Be-Sharps: funny the first time you hear it, then just annoying. You don't usually see a non-Pixar or non-PDI Pixar clone do this well... and as tempted as I am to check the archives to see if that's true, I just don't think I care that much. I'm pretty sure Hoodwinked was a #1 one-weeker, and Doogal, well... too depressing to contemplate. No, the hot young player on the scene, the kid in his dad's garage with a Cray supercomputer and a dream is Sony Imageworks. Or Sony Pictures Animation, whatever. Their Surf's Up didn't win the Best Animated Feature Oscar. Will Cloudy bring home the gold for them? I kinda hope not, but if this bad boy's #1 again, that just might change!
Okay, on to the debuts. We got three this week: Surrogates, Fame and Pandorum. No box. First of all, there's too many damn snarky lists these days, and you could probably find this one again better than I could, but I did agree with the list of action stars that are too old. I kinda thought Harrison Ford was too old way back when with Clear and Present Danger, but that's just me. Far be it from me to claim to be ahead of the curve, but this list had Surrogates at #1. Is Bruce Willis too old to be an action star? Personally, I think it was the hair. That awful blond wig he sports, or his surrogate sports. Terrible. Just terrible. Demi still doesn't want you back, pal. As for the writers/director of the film, well, what do you expect from the team that ruined Terminator 3? Success? Exactly.
And my faith in the theory about payola on these lists is stronger than ever. Any publicity is good publicity. They PAID to be #1 on the list of oldest action stars! Meanwhile, I haven't yet seen the list of the Top 25 Most Unnecessary Film Remakes, but I'm sure this week's Fame is up there, between #2 and #5. Well, while the critics be hatin' on it, almost as much as the movie-going public, I will say that the director certainly fits the material. Someone named Kevin Tancharoen. Hmm! Too late to put him in my alphabetical auteur list? ...yeah, too late. The names are already locked in. But his resumé seems to have prepared him for a watered-down remake of Fame. Shoulda made it more like the Pussycat Dolls special, pal. This all of course reaffirms my faith in the theory that MGM is sinking fast, and will have to auction off the Bond franchise to the highest bidder. How about Carolco?
And finally, Pandorum. Now, my good friend says he'll never see another movie with Dennis Quaid, but to be fair, I don't think that includes anything pre-2000. It might exclude stuff between 1987 and 1990, but other than that... where was I? Oh, right, Pandorum. Well, it's a bad time for R-rated sci-fi right now, so I say it's a victim of bad timing. Why, I bet even ol' what's his name couldn't of salvaged this! Also, I hate to nitpick, but the font they used in the TV commercials for the words "This Friday...". It's a cliché font, guys. Use another.

Short Reviews - September 2009

Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry present... Oscar bait!
Well, we lost Patrick Swayze this month. In related news, Indiana Jones 5 secrets are being leaked already! Apparently, Harrison Ford wants everyone to know that he'll only do it if the script is right. Hey, tell us something we don't know! Unless 'script' is code for 'paycheck.' Oh, snap!


Sam Kinison - I hate to say it, but he started off as a minister from the Midwest, and you can still see some of that sweet young boy who rebelled against the church in him. There are pretenders to his throne, mere pretenders. I dare say Greg Behrendt is the polar opposite, for example. And for some reason, Denis Leary also comes to mind. Oh, sure, Denis is funny, but Kinison was just naturally, effortlessly funny. Those are the kinds I tend to prefer. Also, there are these fake George Carlin jokes, the most egregious of which are about Hurricane Katrina, and one where Carlin supposedly says he wants his tax dollars back. All the comedians I've ever liked never complained in such a way about their tax dollars. They just know that taxes are like youth; they just ain't coming back.

Big Fan - As David Spade would say, I liked it the first time... when it was called Celtic Pride! Anyway, here's the plot: crazed sports fan Patton Oswalt follows his favourite team member to a local strip club. Now, I hate to do it, but I'm going to have to side with Maxim magazine on this one: if there's one thing you never do, you NEVER bother celebrities at a strip club. Whatever transpires, you get exactly what you deserve... even if it means death.

Flash Forward - Oh, Harold. You used to be hip.

Mission Impossible 2 - I'm sorry, that's M:I-2... is this still everyone's favorite? I'm starting to wonder. That motorcycle jousting is too much for me now.

Wild Wild West - After ten years, and Kevin Kline and Will Smith still seem like two magnets at the same poles forced to stay together and... was that Smith's willie? Good Lord! I dare say it's the whole package!! Avert your eyes, children, all who see it on HBO Family.

Whiteout - Rehash of Carpenter's The Thing... but they probably watched that film, studied it, and figured out how to remake it totally different. I'll give 'em that. And besides! Kate Beckinsale!

Blue Thunder - I know what's wrong with this movie... they violate a sacrosanct movie name law! The main guy, Roy Scheider, should be named Jack, not Frank.

Little Odessa - Hey! There's only ONE Little Odessa(1994)...

The White Countess - Racist

Tales from the Crapper - Also known as Lloyd Kaufman's body of work... oh, snap!

Jennifer's Body - Just remember: if you didn't like it, that wasn't Diablo Cody's fault!

Surrogates - Other than that blonde wig, Brucey ol' boy?!! Oh, double snap!

Jennifer's Body - Roger Ebert writes: "Diablo Cody's next screenplay after “Juno” is a 180-degree reversal, with the heroine now transformed into a fiend who eats the flesh of teenage boys." Oh, I suppose it's a reversal... or is it?

Zombieland - Shaun of the Dead for rednecks?

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Undead - Somehow I had the feeling Tom Stoppard didn't have a hand in this...

The Marc Pease Experience - Oh, you mean like I.P. Freely?

Up In The Air - Oh, Clooney! I KNOW you did this one for the check.

Enemies: A Love Story - The original?

Wristcutters: A Love Story - Ah, how Gen X, or Gen Y.

A Pyromaniac's Love Story - I haven't even seen it, and I want my seven dollars back!

Death: A Love Story - Ah, how Gen Z.

Brainsmasher: A Love Story - Oh, I've heard that's actually pretty good!

Barbecue: A Texas Love Story - Sounds about right.

Malcolm and Barbara: A Love Story

Hostage: A Love Story - The opposite of Kansas City, that's for sure.

Grapes: A Love Story - Sounds nutty.

Lunatics: A Love Story - THAT'S the one I was looking for! The one with Ted Raimi!

Now, I KNOW I'm forgetting one...