No lump of coal for Hollywood!

Oh, another big holiday weekend. Pretty damn big. I got into the wrong biz. Avatar outdoes itself by a tiny percentile from last week, and we've got four debuts: Sherlock Holmes, It's Complicated and Nine. But the biggest story of them all has got to be that Chipmunks sequel, or... squeak-quel, rather. (clutches stomach, turns white) Once again, another blockbuster slips in underneath my radar. That's what I get for not watching Nickelodeon or having a twitter account. No, everybody gets what they want: Guy Ritchie gets to keep his street cred even though he's totally gone Hollywood, James Cameron's king of the world again: this time, of his own new world. Then again, big screen comedy's been taking a hit lately. Even though all the critics hate Old Dogs, SOMEONE's going to see it! And that Morgans film too. Did You hear about the Morgans? I heard that Matthew Broderick bowed out and Hugh Grant stepped in. Probably just an ugly rumour, though.

Auteur Watch - Robert Zemeckis

Well! As the pop-up window informs me, this will be the fourth Robert I've profiled this year on Auteur Watch: Robert B. Weide, Robert Rodriguez and Robert Young being the previous ones. And rather than use my decade theory on poor ol' Bob Zemeckis, I'm going to ask the question: does he prefer the pre-Spielberg phase of his career, or the post-Spielberg phase? Sure, the post-Spielberg phase got off to a rocky start with Death Becomes Her, but Bob's a quick study, and Forrest Gump was his next offering. It's too politically charged to talk about, so I'll move on to Contact, and move even more quickly on to What Lies Beneath and Cast Away. Yeah, 2000 was quite the busy year for ol' Bo-Zem, and probably the time building up to it as well! Yes, he apparently was serious when he vowed never to do that again, and he's since shaken off this mortal coil, alienated himself from the ASC forever, plunging headlong into the wild weird world of MoCap. I meant to point out that A Christmas Carol is currently in its seventh week in the Top 10, giving it the longest staying power of the ten on the list. Now, some of you naysayers out there might question the wisdom of having Scrooge shrink smaller and smaller as he goes sliding along through the snow. Well, let me just ask you this: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH GODDAMN FILM SNOBS? Sorry to yell like that, but what is it with you people? Isn't it enough to get out of the house for a couple hours, stuff your face with greasy, greasy popcorn and get some damn entertainment out of that giant silver screen? What more do you WANT?
Where was I? Oh yeah. Well, the IMDb's being coy, and we don't know what picture ol' BoZem's going to direct next, but he's got quite the full producorial plate full... is that the right spelling? Apparently, Who Framed Roger Rabbit 2 is in the mix. It certainly hasn't been improved upon in the twenty-something years since its release, but so far I seem to be the only one I know who likes that movie, outside of my inner circle of friends. But I'm sure some Hollywood marketing genius will make it a must-see event when the time comes. I mean, it's no Saw 7, but ...

Blue Movie Blue

Why does this color scheme not surprise me? He was clearly ahead of his time, before the Coens made the yellow 'filter' popular with O Brother Where Art Thou?, Cameron was stuck on the blue color scheme. Must be something about dealing with water so much. In case you had to guess, it's True Lies on the left, Terminator 2 on the right, and Avatar in the middle. He's also moved on from titles beginning with 'T', which can never hurt. Anyway, the feel good movie of the year has arrived, and Avatar is #1 at the box office this week as well. Just busting your chops, Cameron. You did good, buddy. And I see you got your crew to vote for it on the IMDb as well! #25 already! Not bad, not bad. But no one messes with the Shawshank. Not even The Godfather. Shawshank is #1, always has been, always will be.
Meanwhile, the other two debuts this week are Did You Hear about the Morgans?... and Up In The Air. Not to be confused with The Air Up There, but that may be the closest link in the Kevin Bacon game to link Clooney to him... I'll give you a hint! Brad Pitt... Think I'll leave it at that.

Auteur Watch - Robert Young (III)

So, which decade is Mr. Young's favourite? Surely the go-go 70s, an era of big hair and bigger drugs, where folk gave way to disco, and a certain Mr. Young started off slow, but made important connections, especially on Romance with a Double Bass where he first linked up with Monty Python. It never hurts, except maybe later on. Or was it the go-go 80s, when it wasn't a shame to do TV work... in Britain? Plenty of TV work to be had, but there was one cinematic release: the multi-director'd The Ninja Squad. Will there be a 2010s remake as with The Monster Squad? You'd think so, but Fred Dekker's not behind the Ninja Squad, so it ain't a-happenin'. Just remember, kids: the Wolfman's got nads.
Or perhaps it was the go-go 90s, when the 70s enjoyed a brief resurgence, as did the 40s with the neo-Swing craze. The Stray Cats were back in vogue, and the silver screen seemed to be arrayed against Mr. Young, but there was always plenty of TV work to be had, like HBO's Doomsday Gun. Not bad; Day of the Jackal it's not, but... oh, plus that right-wing douchebag Chetwynd had something to do with it. Go back to your day job: attacking Stanley Kramer and traveling the country showing The Hanoi Hilton on eager college campuses, whose numbers are ever dwindling.
As for Mr. Young, it was time to cash in those Python chips on Splitting Heirs and the disastrous Fish Called Wanda sequel. Well, at least on one of 'em you were trusted as the sole director, right? Right?
Or perhaps the go-go 2000s were Mr. Young's favorite, despite George W. Bush in the White House? His career was slowing down a bit, but he was able to choose his projects a little more carefully, like the Young Indiana Jones thingie. Always a surefire fun shoot. And co-directing with Mr. Creosote? Nice. I used to walk past all those Young Indiana Jones thingies in my old video store, but I never thought to actually rent one. You'd think the next one with Harrison Ford wouldn't suck, I mean what with Terry Brooks writing all those damn novelizations and everything...
Well, if Albert Pyun taught me anything... and, believe me, he's taught me EVERYTHING I know, the current decade is a director's favorite. And look! 2010's Wide Blue Yonder is looking to sweep the Sundance Awards. Apparently it's a black comedy with Brian Cox and Lauren Bacall... Okay, so they're no Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, but they were movie stars at one point, right? RIGHT???!!!!!!

The Princess and the Frog

Awright! Time to put some damn EFFORT into this mother! I went ahead and went through my boxes of DVDs to find... well, I don't want to give too much away, but I gotta keep it short this week because of the holiday preparations and all. It's almost winter solstice already! So let's just look at the newbies. We've got the new Disney pic The Princess and the Frog. Very cool. And this is definitely a step up for Keith David as compared to, say, DELTA FARCE! WTF, dude? For some reason I keep confusing him with David Keith. Must be the name. And this also represents a return to form for 2-D Disney pics, as opposed to, say, Home on the Range. What a difference five years makes, huh, guys?
The other debut this week is Invictus. Only at #3? Boy, this is really gonna slow Clint down now. Not good. But the people seem to be in the mood for sports biopics, but with a little oomph. I don't know what the oomph of The Blind Side would be. Sandra Bullock? Crazy. Crazy times. The game that gets played occasionally is what other year this is like. So I guess 2009 is now like 1994: Disney's got a #1 animated movie, and Sandra Bullock's a top box office draw. Go figure. The future keeps looking back to the 70s and likes it better, if only for the fashion.
And I should probably mention that we've got a new entry into the one-weeker club! Everybody's Fine! But there's gonna be a few long faces round the DeNiro dining room table for a while, I guarantee ya.

Auteur Watch - David Yates

Many cameras have actually eaten directors, and David Yates is clearly no exception. According to the IMDb, there are about eight David Yates, but there can be only one director of multiple Harry Potter films. Take that, Walk Off the Pounds with Lorraine Kelly guy!
Anyway, now that I think about it, perhaps the decade paradigm is wrong for all directors. In this guy's case, clearly there is the post-Harry Potter phase, with fame and glory and riches, and there's the pre-Harry Potter phase with great titles like Oranges and Lemons and The Tichborne Claimant. Depending on who he talks to, Yates could go either way: the pre-Potter was good, because he was young, dumb and... eager to learn about the industry that would soon propel him to superstardom. And, of course, being associated with a series like Harry Potter has its good points, too... but for the life of me I can't think of one right now. After the final Potter film is in the can, is it on to that personal indie drama about the train wreck in a coal mine in Devonshire? Fingers crossed!

Yeah, that'll happen!

Oh, Yahoo! News. So young, so wide-eyed, so naïve about how things work in the real world. Why, movies that debut at #1 fall to #2 all the time! Yes, even flashes in the pan like Twilight. But The Blind Side rising to #1? That I can't explain. This kinda thing used to happen all the time in the summer, and between movies like True Lies and Forrest Gump. The Lovely Bones doesn't stand a chance, I tells ya.
Anyway, we got some debuts this week. Debuting at #10 (is that a good thing? Is THAT worth reporting, Yahoo! News?) is DeNiro's latest effort, Everybody's Fine. Even the most light-hearted critic at the most local local radio station in the country is wondering why they're calling this film "the feel good hit of the winter." Which in-law of DeNiro's needs a kidney this time? Even so, I don't think The Road's going to make a comeback in a couple days, but we shall see. At #6 is Armored which has gotten panned someplace, and I mean really panned on a personal level. The-actors-don't-look-like-they're-in-the-same-room kind of panned. This is the kind of thing John Singleton now does in his sleep, but at least it hits #1. I'm surprised that Up in the Air didn't appear on the charts this week. Was it being released this week or what? Anyway, the other debut is Brothers, Jim Sheridan's latest. Now you're getting it, Jim! Make films with actors in it that people might actually want to buy tickets to see! Personally, I'm surprised about Natalie Portman, but Tobey and Jake, sure, I guess they still got it.
Anyway, back to Twilight. Oh, you can't buy this kind of publicity. There's talk of the last movies of the series already. The third one's already in the can, apparently, but the ungrateful producers want to bring back Weitz to do the last one... or two! They're going to rip off Harry Potter and split the last book into two movies. It'll play better if they actually beat Potter to the punch. Think of it! Harry Potter started its run duking it out with Lord of the Rings, and it will end its run duking it out with Twilight. Some beloved series just can't catch a break. But yeah. Who would you rather have directing your movie? The guy who did American Pie 1, or THIS guy? Eggs-zactly.

Short Reviews - November 2009

Well, like most of you out there, I'm still in the throes of Tiger Woods fever. Boy, it's much more infective... is that a word? Contagious! TWF is by far more contagious than bird flu, hanta virus and H1N1 combined! But now that I got a little distance on it and I can see some of the forest, here's what I'm thinking. Remember a while ago when Dumbass was still president, and the "statistical value" of a life dropped to 6.9 million? Well, here's what I'm thinking. If Tiger's worth a billion dollars, a billion divided by 6.9 million is 144.92 something. We'll round it up to 145. Therefore, Tiger should be allowed to sleep with 144 other women before all you peons get to pass judgment. I mean, let's not forget! Isn't he, like, the best thing to happen to golf ever? Certainly better than Seve Ballesteros or Bruce Crampton or Gary Player. On to the movies, damn it...

Jessica Simpson: Reality Tour Live - Poor director Bill Fishman. He's gone from making a comedy about Video Aces, to BEING Video Aces!!

The Accidental Husband - Tourist ring a bell?

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans - I don't get it. This should be a direct-to-video sequel, or a new video game. Wonder if Nic got 20 million for this one?

Babylon A.D. - Maybe I'm crazy, but from what little I saw on cable... you know, it wasn't that bad! They got REAL TIGERS, for God's sake!

Pirate Radio - You can buy the 12 CD box set after the show, folks...

Bio-Dome - It is a wacky comedy, and it deserves its place in the permanent rotation of HBO, Cinemax, whatever... still, there's something depressing about a movie where Pauly Shore is the smartest guy in it.

Twilight's Last Gleaming(2005) - Nope. There's two books left.

Planet 51 - Finally! A comedy where people are the aliens. Sorry, (Battle for) Terra.

When In Rome... - Oh, Kristen Bell. You just don't get it, do you? This is the kind of movie that Sarah Marshall was making fun of, damn it! Don't be the next Brittany Murphy!

The Damned United - Well, it's no The Big Green, but I am a sucker for a Nick Hornby soccer comedy

Invictus - Well, it's no The Big Green, but ...

Inception - Damn! I knew I shoulda studied harder during Latin class.

Hereafter - Is Peter Morgan the new... Roland Bass? David E. Kelley? Richard Curtis? No, wait, Curtis is still getting work.

The Day The Earth Stood Still (2008) - Yeah, and the movie did too! You know you're in trouble when Keanu Reeves is the most intersting actor in the damn thing.

BASEketball - I may have said this before, but it bears repeating. Now, you might watch this and think to yourself, boy! For a comedy involving those South Park guys, it was an unfunny piece of crap! Well, to you I say what their agents once told me: that EVERYTHING THE SOUTH PARK BOYS DO IS FUNNY. BASEKETBALL IS FUNNY. CANNIBAL THE MUSICAL IS FUNNY. TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE IS PEE-YOUR-PANTS FUNNY. EVERY EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK IS FUNNY. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, THEN YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR. NO SENSE OF HUMOR AT ALL. YOU ARE A MERE ROBOT WHO NEEDS TO BE TOLD WHAT IS FUNNY AND WHAT ISN'T. IF AN EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK IS NOT FUNNY, IT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT FUNNY, AND YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT FUNNY IS. SOUTH PARK IS FUNNY, ALWAYS WAS FUNNY, ALWAYS WILL BE FUNNY. UNDERSTAND? GOOD.

Run (2010) - McTiernan's directing again! But for me, there's only one Run: 1989's Run with Patrick Dempsey! Get on the bumper! Get on the bumper!!!

Did you hear about the Morgans? - No, but judging from that pedigree, I bet Sandra Bullock feels betrayed that she's not involved!

Brothers - For some reason, it makes me think of the film Kevin Bacon's trying to make in The Big Picture, after the studio changes it so it's all young people.

Braveheart - Watching it now, I put aside my prejudices, but still... boy, does Mel look too old for that part. Too old for Catherine, at the very least.

Clerks 2 - Welp, it took me two years, but I finally finished it. I WANT MY RENTAL MONEY BACK!!

Auteur Watch - Jin Xie

Or is it Xie Jin? I never know which. I'm hoping the former, because I don't know of any other auteurs whose last name begins with X. Francis X. Bushman? There's one cinematographer who worked with Woody Allen named Fei Zhao, but Woody credits him as Zhao Fei. I guess he wanted to work with a cameraman who couldn't question the "comedy."
But anyway, back to Xie. I won't do him as much justice as, say, Wikipedia, but I'll take their word for it. He was an important Chinese filmmaker, best known for something called Hibiscus Highway or something. Oh sure, they probably won't show his films in high school or middle school, but he seemed like a decent enough guy, kinda like Jiri Menzel or... someone else. But he seems to have taken his career full circle of sorts, starting with 1957's Woman Basketball Player No. 5. Hey, remember, buddy! This is film we're talking about, not a photo gallery in a coffee shop! So he started with that, and ended with 2001's Woman Soccer Player #9. Quite a different world between those two, or is that indifferent? We seem to be living in a much more indifferent age now. But at the time he seemed to be a little more long-haired and anti-establishment, but give 'em a big house in the country and a fat bank account and they all calm down... or clam up? Something like that.
And so he passed away at 84 years young, moving on to wait in line at the big DGA office in the sky. But film directors, like some lucky celebrities, are able to cheat death a little bit sometimes, and the impending release of One 2008th will give him one last chance to strut his stuff, and it will probably affect the critics' take on the film, of course. They'll either think his part of the film was the best, or the worst, but certainly worth commenting on. The dead direct! The dead direct!! I better go, man. Getting depressed...

Old Dogs go to Heaven

He's a zit! Get it? I don't care what anyone thinks, I STILL say there's a connection. Of course, Wired's already been made, but it's a magazine now, and it seems that everything's being updated for this generation anyhow, so why not make it again. Of course, will Pattinson do like Harry Potter himself and also play Equus on Broadway? Might get a different crowd, though. Oops! Gone too far that time, which means it's time to dissect this frog known as the Top 10 Box Office - American. Sorry, I don't care about the UK market yet. Though it is also important.
Anyway, in a last minute recount, Goats is knocked off by The Road at #10. I guess this means it has indie cred. Looks okay, but I still would've like to have seen what Cronenberg would've done with it. He's got top-secret irons in the fire, so they'll just have to wait. He's hardly a spring chicken anymore! But maybe Viggo'll get the gold this time. Charlize, don't go through with Atlas Shrugged! Be human!
At #9 it's Fantastic Mr. Fox, Clooney's other animal-related 2009 entry. We got Up in the Air coming up next, which completes his 2009 trilogy. I think I asked this already, but it bears repeating, and maybe USA Today can do more with it than I have: is Clooney's 2009 going to be better than his 2005? Will his feud with Soderbergh end amicably? Is Heslov as dynamic a filmmaker? I think I know the answer to that one: what, Faisil from True Lies? That's a joke, right?
Coming in at #8 it's... let me check the window here... Precious. Right. I guess Push was already taken, huh? They're running the happy commercials now, where Precious takes the runway in a Donna Karan. Why, even Wayne Dyer would like that. At #7, it's Planet 51. I'm curious about this one: what does a bad Pixar movie look like? Is the animation still top notch, or does it look like streaky digital video, like that Over the Hedge thing?
And now I don't care. #6 brings us Ninja Assassin, from the Matrix boys acting as producers. Do interviews, guys!
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And finally, the top 5. A Christmas Carol makes back its catering budget with $105 million in the bank. At #4, Old Dogs, from the director of Wild Hogs. To complete his Disney comedy trilogy, director Walt Becker's 2011 pic will be about drunken lumberjacks. It's either going to be called "The Wacky Drunk Lumberjacks Take On the Pacific Northwest" or something else... two words, 2nd word rhymes with dogs and hogs... hmm. I had it here a second ago.
Walt Becker. Proof that nice guys have been finishing last as directors lately. Number 3 is 2012. Well, is there any other discipline that Roland Emmerich can ruin? He's already tackled the new Egyptology, 1776, global warming and now the Mayan calendar. But even HE doesn't want to touch the wrapping up of the Universal Soldier trilogy. No, Peter Hyams' kid'll do that. It's not that Jean-Claude didn't want to work with Peter again, but... he REALLY didn't want to work with him again. But his kid will! What, no one else in Hollywood will?
As for John Cusack, well, is he still dating Rebecca Romijn(-Stamos)? ... and my computer's slowed down. Better save this before I lose it. Boy! His trivia section needs to be updated. But he's got a thing for his costars. He should work with Heather Graham one of these days... don't tell me SHE got married yet!
One more quip about 2012. Cusack's character is named Jackson Curtis... but I bet you anything it's shortened to Jack. As in The Day After Tomorrow, the alpha male's named Jack (Dennis Quaid) and his best buddy's named Frank... ah, yes. Jay O. Sanders in real life is an alpha-male, but it's only a true alpha male that can play the beta male. I loved him in all those things I saw him in, but was paying attention to someone else. 2012 departs from the rigid formula! There's no Frank character! No wonder it's already at #3.
The Blind Side is at #2. Boy, that's gratitude for you. It's already made 100 million, and yet Precious must crawl through the muck and mud to make 10 million. Where's the gratitude, America? Have you fallen back in love with Sandra Bullock that hard? Hmm! Must be! Well, this one's the Oscar movie, but who knows? Maybe The Proposal will get some noms. Fingers crossed for Betty White. If this isn't her year, it never will be. People must still be pissed about Lake Placid or something.
And finally, at #1, for the second week in a row, it's the movie that even Peter Greenaway has a thing for. Twilight: Naked Hairless Guys with their Shirts Off. Who doesn't like that? Which is why I have another bone to pick with the American public. Johnny Depp the sexiest man alive? Does People magazine even read People Magazine? Depp's next film is Alice in Wonderland. Is he sexy in that? Is he as sexy as, say, Taylor Lautner? Answer me that, girls! Exactly. And better yet, he's already made his mark among scientists! They're going to name a new tree after him: Laurus taylori. Or maybe it's Laurus lautneri, I don't know... WHAT?