Tears for Frears: Hey! Remember the 1997s?

This is what I get for waiting too long to review a movie. I gotta learn to do these right away: snap, snap, snap the fingers! Keep the product moving. Anyway, in The Queen's favor, at least it was short. These sprawling epics get me down sometimes, man. Who's got time anymore to see a whole movie, anyway? Not even the filmmakers themselves!
Now, I've seen a lot of superhero and comic book movies lately, but I gotta say that The Queen's got to be the weirdest one yet. I mean, she supposedly has all these powers, and everyone in the movie acts like she does, but where are they? First of all, she's old. What superhero is old? Only her! Second, her sole power seems to be the ability to drive a Jeep... which she gets stuck in a river. Uh, hello? No powers of foresight into the future? And does she fly back to base camp? No! She gets on a cell phone to tell one of the servants that the jeep broke down! I guess that passes for super these days.
Now I know what you're thinking, and you're absolutely wrong. I'm NOT being hard on The Queen because she's a chick. I'd be just as hard on a dude in a similar situation. And this James Cromwell guy, well, he's not exactly Captain America himself. But I will say he looks a little more like the real Prince Charles than the guy they got to portray him. Oh well. Plus, the whole thing's a little too British for my taste. I guess I've gotten too accustomed to the British sidekick shoring up the American hero. That's just one Brit, I can handle that. Not the whole damn country!
What else did I like about the movie? Well, I thought Christopher Hitchens was awfully good as Robin Janvrin. He's always fun when he goes on the Bill Maher show, especially when he gets good and drunk. And pretty-boy Michael Sheen was good as well. I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of him yet, and nor has Peter Morgan, apparently!

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Short Reviews - May 2010

Welp, another long and turbulent month comes to an end. For some reason I keep getting Bokeem Woodbine and Boaz Yakin confused. Maybe I'm a little scatterbrained, maybe I'm just a latent racist, mabye I'm a little scatterbrained... what was I talking about? Oh, right. I'm just so glad they finally got rid of the riffraff on the Rotten Tomatoes show. What a hassle. But my question is: why is Alfonso Duralde still on the show? In other news, I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but in the season finale of Breaking Bad, Hank makes a full recovery and opens a pawn shop in Las Vegas with his father, and his son Big Hoss.

Oceans - Why does this feel like that film they show you at the end of Soylent Green?

Soylent Green - Yup. Reboot time. I'm guessing Sam Worthington will reprise the Charlton Heston role.

A Day in the Life - With Bokeem Woodbine as BamBam

Curb Your Enthusiasm: Funkhauser's Crazy Sister - With Catherine O'Hara as Bam-Bam

The Flintstones - with Hlynur Sigurosson as Bamm-Bamm (Hlynur Sigurðsson)

Bam Bam and Celeste - With Margaret Cho as Celeste

The Back-Up Plan - If J. Lo wants an Oscar for the likes of this, well... she's going to have to do like Mr. Burns and spread some serious fat stacks to each Academy member individual-like.

Dirty Girl (2011) - Forrest Gump meets ... Natty Gann? What's the classic runaway movie?

Trouble Along The Way - Was this originally for Jimmy Stewart?

Wall street 2: Money Never Sleeps - Well, at least it's not going direct to video!

City That Never Sleeps (1953) - More timely than ever!

Rust Never Sleeps - Classic prequel to Year of the Horse

Satan Never Sleeps (1962) - Oh, I'll bet he sleeps more soundly than people might think...

Never sleeps (2007) - too general!

Fish Never Sleep (2002) - must be a mob comedy with no laughs or something

Money Never Sleeps (2000) - We know.

Salt - Needs more pepper.

Salt and Pepper - Needs less ham

Sleepless in Seattle - As timely a message as ever: people with allergies shouldn't breed.

Kites - Brett Ratner presents... crap? Any reason to think otherwise?

Second Best - This movie's a loser.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World - I kinda hope the world wins.

The Hard Times of RJ Berger - Ah, is there any more beloved cliché than a guy in school getting pantsed in front of gawking students and faculty? It sorta happened to the geek in American Graffiti. It definitely happened to the protagonists of Weird Science. A cinematic rite of passage, if you will. Why wasn't my school experience like this? And are there ever repercussions? Do the pants-ers get called into the principal's office? Do any of them come out of the closet? I just hope the fat kid that's Berger's best friend isn't actually just a ghost that only Berger can see. So cliché.

Inception - With a $200 million price tag, the Warner Bros. execs are hoping it doesn't suck.

Two Girls and a Guy - Nice try, Toback, but Jerry Bruckheimer's still not going to give you a job. Turteltaub's got National Treasure 3, Pirates 4's taken... G-Force 2 might be open, though!


Someone else do the hyperlinks, okay?

Auteur Watch - Maggie Greenwald

Okay, I feel better now. So! Who's the next super chick directing the big super flicks? Why, it's someone named Maggie Greenwald! Well, the IMDb knows about as much as I do about her, but from the looks of it she's indeed living the big-time woman director's American dream. Working her way up through the ranks of the sound editing trade, she finally came to realize that hell! Directing's really about sound! I can direct these turkeys better than those tyrants John Hughes and Michael Crichton! And direct she did. Her biggest impacts were The Ballad of Little Jo... what? Can't Cameron show some damn gratitude? Give her a 1st A.D. gig on his next blockbuster or something? And the other being Songcatcher. Apparently it's a must-see, but those tragically hip hipsters over at The Onion probably don't like it for one reason or another. As you can see from the photo, there she is with ... egad! Lindsay Lohan! Well, back then it would've been an asset. Not today by any means. Why, even Tina Fey can't bring Lohan back from career freefall! What? No guest shot on 30 Rock? let me check... NO! Dayamn. Now that's a dis.
LiLo's official website (where's Stitch? tee hee hee...)

Shrek trumps Sex

Before I totally forget, I want to give a Shout Out to my five followers. See, whenever I log in to this thing now, it tells me I have five. Up from two a month ago... why, that's 150%! Oh, the percentages will never be that good again. Anyway, to my five followers, I would just like to say... what are you, nuts? Abandon all hope! All ye who read here. Anyway, on to this week's box office. The demographics of 2010 sure aren't what they were in 2008, when Sex and the City 1 came in at #1. But I suppose it's fitting that Sex and the City 2 come in at #2. I love how they were pushing the movie, saying that it takes place in Abu Dhabi just because it's a fun place to go, that the girls haven't been there before, and that it's a backwards culture that treats women as second class citizens. Oh, wait! Not that third thing. But at least Morocco is a little more advanced, which is where the movie was filmed. But let's face it ladies: all your hard work to break that glass ceiling is for naught. Desert Islam will cover the world with its lack of freedoms and strong work ethic. They hold all the keys to a world built upon plentiful crude oil, and they're keeping them. Your alternative energy sources will not save you! Solar's one percent! Wind's even less! Saudi Arabia wins! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH...
...where was I? Oh, right. Also debuting this week: Prince of Persia. Oh, don't kid yourselves! That Mike Newell is still in the game. Amazing Grace and Chuck? Donnie Brasco? Oh, he's still pushing celluloid, and he himself is pushing 70! G-d dayamn! He's my hero now! Not that Martin Campbell. He used to be, but he's on the outs now for working with Crazy Jesus Man. Phooey! But back to the point I was making earlier. We got septuagenarians making today's big action blockbusters! What a crazy, topsy-turvy world we live in. Who'll be working for Bruckheimer next? Ang Lee? Wayne Wang? Michael Winterbottom? JIM JARMUSCH? ...nah, he's probably got nothing until 2013. And by then it'll be too late for all of us. Damn Mayans. I gotta go. I can't blog anymore, I'm too upset.

Auteur Watch - Jenniphr Goodman

What more do you people want? I thought The Tao of Steve was a beloved classic! Or at the very least, a cult hit! Ingrates.

Have you seen this thing?

Oh! I guess it worked! Different browsers, different actions. Something like that. Well, once again, the big green ogre takes a big bite out of the weekly box office. But apparently, it wasn't meant to last. This is all they can wring out of the story. I haven't seen it yet, but I just hope they don't go into all that crap that gets shoved down our throats now at the movies: it was fun while it lasted, you don't know what you got until it's gone, you must live for today, we don't know what the future holds for us, but we're here now, and that's all that matters; if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with; things have more meaning if they come to an end; now, let's send our Eskimo grandpa out to sea on the iceberg. I'm tired of it! Tired, I say. Why, I'll bet even Transformers 2's got some of that in there.
Anyway, gotta keep it short this week. It's crunch time at school. Meanwhile, MacGruber debuts at #6. I'm shocked! Does this mean SNL's audience is smaller than I thought? Are the American people developing some taste?... nah, that can't be it.

Auteur Watch - Jennifer Fox

Um... close enough. I first heard of Jennifer Fox in this groundbreaking documentary, To Heck with Hollywood? No! The Heck With Hollywood! (oh, I hate it when they swear) I think that documentary cost more than her feature debut, Beirut: The Last Home Movie. Of course, Fox had a little more on the line than Block did with his documentary. A documentary director named Block! How perfect is that?
Oh, but she survived those turbulent times, grappling with the likes of Ben Barenholtz... I thought he was involved. Oh well, who knows. Of the three filmmakers profiled in The Heck with Hollywood, she's clearly come the farthest. Lichtenfeld fell by the wayside, and the Only a Buck boys, well, they make minimum wage at the car wash now. But Jennifer! She's fulfilled the dream that every documentary filmmaker has getting off the bus to Hollywood: going from their original subject to the greatest subject there is that's worth documenting: themselves! Or close enough to it. But if I had to guess, I'd say that her favourite decade is the 80s: the music, the hair, and the hunger. She was hungry back then, clawing her way to the glass ceiling, sledgehammer clenched between her teeth to smash it when she reached the top. But she's not stupid: there's no way she's going to start all over again and try clawing her way to the top today. No way no how!

Ever have one of those weekends?

Well, I'll bet Russell Crowe sure did. First that reporter gets his accent wrong, now this. Favreau trumps Crowe at the box office once again: it's like Elf all over again! Wotta nightmare. But come Oscar time things could work out better for Ridley Scott and company. The Oscars tend to favor the Brits, Aussies... and New Zealanders! Lemme double check... Yup! Wellington. Beats Pukerua Bay, anyway... oh, he looks so thin!
Anyway, speaking of all things regal, the other debuts this week are all the romantic crap the studios can't release in summer lest they REALLY get lost. There's Just Wright at #4 and, yup, you guessed it. Like Justin Time and ... probably something else, it's a play on the character's name. And like J. Lo, Queen Latifah's back from an extended vacation to torture us some more. But I want to end with this Letters to Juliet thing. You know, every once in a while... at least once a year, an actor or actress has, like, three movies a year. And in the case of Amanda Seyfried, this is her third this year! Second, if you don't count Chloe, but I'm counting it, because I'm an uncultured American and we're only getting it now. She's the new 'it' girl, but why am I not devastatingly attracted? Someone send me free DVDs of Big Love, will yuh?

A Movie Called Turkey?

Don't get me wrong. A Man Called Horse has a certain charm to it as a quasi-biographical piece and as a neo-Western. On the other hand, the crying Italian Indian plays a prominent role in it.
Shall I go on? Oh yes I shall. But let's face it. Before a guy settles into a role like Dumbledore he's got to have one last fling. But not just any fling. Someone exotic, ideally. And the Natalie Wood-Native American chick will do just fine... I forget her name already. Now, they go without subtitles on the one hand, which is always a brave choice arguably, in this age of closed captioning up the yin yang. On the other hand they come up with an ingenious device: a Frenchman who also speaks English whose family was killed by the Indians but now lives among them, acting crazy to get out of doing any chores. Plausible at first, but once he starts translating, seems a bit plot-device-y. Again, that's probably just cynical ol' me. He speaks of escape, but if this were made today he would eventually concede that he likes it better where he is in the now. Speaking of Avatar, you might remember that its main character spoke of making a big dumb gesture... something like that. Well, Richard Harris has his own version of that! I wouldn't dream of spoiling it, but it ends up working and ingratiates him with the tribe's warriors; borrowed later by The Man Who Would Be King, maybe.
I guess that's about all the nitpicking I can think of. Kind of a standard Western: there's a big attack at the end, as there should be. Tradition dictates it. The characters are somewhat original. Harris plays a younger, more idealistic version of his Unforgiven character, tee hee hee. Nice to see Dub Taylor; disturbing to see the lack of teeth. And I'm a sucker for just about anything in Panavision with big tracking shots that make the picture look like it's being projected onto a giant ball. There's a disclaimer at the beginning of the film that says the "Vow to the Sun" was outlawed by the U.S. government. But the older I get, the more I squeam at movie violence, and the more I think that it's probably for the best that the Vow to the Sun is outlawed. But who knows? Given this generation's veneration of scars and tattoos, it may make a comeback someday.

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Everything you know is wrong... about California

Well, I saw the damn thing, so I might as well review it! How I happen upon these cinematic treasures, I'll never know. But I guess it's true what William Goldman said about movie stars: that they're totally worthless and absolutely essential. Something cute and contradictory like that. For if anyone other than Presdient Bartlet were in this, who would want to return to it again and again? Not necessarily for the car, even though it is arguably pretty cherry. It just gets a mild workout, as The California Kid himself says, and not a whole lot more than that.
But to elaborate a bit more on plot. Now me myself, I'm like most people nowadays, and I just can't handle an old-fashioned movie with a plot you can get on the first viewing of a movie. Spoiler alert! But it's a basic story: boy comes to small town, boy gets speeding ticket, boy pays speeding ticket, boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy is told to get out of town, boy races with local sheriff in a race to the death. On the plus side, this is a historical drama, chronicling that dark time in American history when towns had to make do without federal assistance by charging way too much for speeding tickets. Got greedy, didn'tcha, all you small city slickers? No, this is far from the fun speed traps of Smokey and the Bandit or A Civil Action. This is serious, life or death kinda stuff. The actors take it all as seriously as they can. Especially that Vic Morrow. A fine performance. There but for the grace of God go all of us, that's for sure. I'll leave this at three stars, although technically it should get less since a vote was called to abandon the viewing prematurely, I must report.

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Jodie Foster

Sigh. Everyone's turning 40! I've noticed... Well, not this week's auteur: Jodie Foster. She's just south of 50 herself, but still going strong, especially given recent roles like The Brave One. Oh, why must she taunt us guys so?
Anyway, on to the patented Decade Theory. Whaddaya think? Is it the 70s, where she found herself stuck between Disney on the one hand, and Scorsese on the other? Or perhaps the 80s when she graduated to less colorful, more respectable roles? Even though she won the Oscar for The Accused, it must've been a bad time on the set because she hasn't worked with director Jonathan Kaplan since. But then again, who has? That's one of the good things about doing TV work: certain stars HAVE to work with you again!
And so, every once in a while, stars like Sean Penn win acting Oscars virtually back to back, and the 90s would start out so promisingly for ol' Jodie, but after working for so many dufusii directors named Jonathan, one can't help but think, "Hell! I can direct this turkey myself!" And direct she did. Well, Little Man Tate was well received by critic and popcorn chewer alike. Home for the Holidays, not so much. Well, this was while Robert Downey Jr. was a little more troubled. Now he gets high on life... and his new-fangled success. But back to J.F.
If Death Becomes Her taught us anything, it's that a) directors always feel the urge to commit career suicide, and b) a movie star's shelf life is 10 years at best... or is it 20, as with Jodie? The 90s surely are her favorite: in addition to being a great chef and movie star, she was probably ahead of the curve on the whole eco-movement stuff. She focused on the acting all through the 2000s as well... until now, which means the 2010s will be her favorite decade. And how will she re-inaugurate her directing career? How else? By piggybacking on Mel Gibson's rejuvenated career with something called The Beaver. Sounds a bit like Lars and the Real Girl meets Dummy. Just what we all need! I look forward to it, especially if it's in IMAX 3D or something. A toast to Jodie Foster, everybody!

Iron Man 2, pt. 1

Let's see if I can get away with this... Niiiiice! As one of my classmates always says. Well, surprise surprise, Iron Man 2 debuts at #1. On the other hand... only $134 million? That won't even begin to cover the cross-promotion costs! For some reason, I get kind of a WWE-Monster Truck rally vibe with that one scene with Mickey Rourke. Must just be me. Welp, here's hoping Iron Man 3 manages to avoid the pitfalls of Spider Man 3.
In other news, when a big blockbuster skews the results for everyone, interesting things happen... sometimes. Why did I get Married Too is still gone, though. Probably for the best. The way is cleared for Tyler Perry's 2010 Fall project, anyway. That's the main thing. Death at a Funeral rises from 9 to 8, and Furry Vengeance hangs tough dropping from 5 to 6! I thought it'd be totally gone by now! How to Train your Dragon hangs in at #3. That must be a helluva movie! But the real story is the other debut this week, Bebes. I'm sorry, let me get the spelling right... Bébé(s). That's more like it. They took that rapping French baby from 10 years ago and turned it into a whole movie! Et d'ur d'ur être bébé? Am I the only one who remembers? Well, me and Beavis and Butthead? I gotta go...

Auteur Watch - Anne Fletcher

Oh, this is bad. The box office opens in a mere matter of hours and here I am, not having profiled our next auteur! Shame on me. But on the bright side I finally figured out the lyrics to that song about the cheater in the call center. It's actually Shakira's "She-Wolf" about letting a she-wolf out of the closet! Go figure. Something about the gym speakers that muffles the words, I suppose. ¶ Anywho, our next auteur babe is someone named... Anne Fletcher. Oh, she's riding sky high now, but she's paid some serious dues, most notably as a choreographer. Hence her directorial debut, Step Up. Well, it was just a matter of time before Channing Tatum's career was launched. From there, Fletcher moved on to more ambitious fare, something more suited for the likes of a costume designer-turned-director, but God bless her, she wanted it more, and so 27 Dresses was next. How she got The Proposal, I'll never know. I guess Sandra Bullock figured she was a pushover or a nobody, or both, but it worked out for all in the end. Who knows what's next for Anne Fletcher? The glass ceiling's the limit, baby. Fight the power!

Care to rake your acquaintance!

Sorry, but I just couldn't resist. Copyright issues be damned. Yes, it's another damn 'reboot,' as the Hollywood hip call it... hmm! I didn't know Hollywood used Windows! Yes, it's a new Nightmare on Elm Street, and the box office this week has resoundingly spoken, 3 to 1. Who needs new movies? Not us! It's only crime? Where's the 3-D? My Bloody Valentine 3-D just wasn't enough, apparently. Or Final Destination 3D. But what IS in 3-D is this damn Train Your Dragon movie! It's practically unstoppable! But I figure in about 5 weeks it'll be gone. Speaking of which, Furry Vengeance is the other debut this week. Hopefully it'll stick around for about two. This is a remake of Over the Hedge, obviously...

Short Reviews - April 2010

Batman, Indiana Jones 3 - I think it's the same guy. But for the life of me, he gets credit in neither. ¶ Welp, this has got to be my worst month yet. But on the bright side, I got a bunch of other stuff done! And you know summer's on its way when the neighbors start burning in their backyards, filling your house with their smoke. Keep up the good work, guys! ¶ Oh, but enough about them. Lately it seems that the swear words, traditionally kept out of the movie's titles, have crept their way in. Now the flood gate's open, probably because of Inglourious Bastards. You got Kick-Ass, Knights of Badassdom... I guess that's it. Bastard Out of Carolina was a groundbreaker for its time. But seeing as how this is happening so close to 2012, isn't it time for a conspiracy theory? I'll leave that to someone else, but I'm a positive guy, and in all matters distressing there's one source of moral and societal comfort I turn to... That's right, The Smurfs. Now, the whiz-kid wise-ass geniuses over at The Onion have the manpower and the sheer resources to develop this further, but as 2012 approaches and America finds itself unprepared, we need to look to the Smurfs for guidance. Why, it seems like only yesterday every Saturday morning I found myself plopped down in front of the telly watching those little damn blue thingies, interacting, laughing, playing, hating, loving... in short, LIVING, damn it! Living. But then, the show slowly got deeper and deeper into the occult, and it seemed like every week there was some new curse they'd have to make a potion for, some new conjunction that occurs every X number of centuries. Why, I dare say they even had a giant chess board like in that one Harry Potter movie! And the Smurfs themselves were the pieces, trapped in some horrible suspended animation state. Alas, it appears the web doesn't have everything after all, and after spending about 5-10 minutes looking for plot synopses of all those old shows (two mini-episodes per 30 minute chunk! Man, that Hanna Barbera can do anything) I could only find their titles. Normally that might be enough to go on to recall a whole show... it seems to work so well for Seinfeld episodes... but alas, it was too long ago, and I'm too broke and disinterested to get whatever multi-DVD collector's edition is out there. That's where the Onion comes in. This could be their next big "Way of the Swayze", God rest his soul. Okay, on to the movies.


Anvil - A triumph for VH1 films... and no one else.

Robin Hood - Finally Costner free!

MacGruber - Rated R? Wow! SNL's going out on a limb on this one! The last time they did that was on... The Ladies Man?

Furry Vengeance - Participant Productions has officially gone Hollywood!

The Road - Some consider it an apocalyptic vision of things to come; I consider it a training manual.