New Feature Time!!

You know, people generally love this blog. Can't get enough of it! I know, I can hardly believe it myself. But it's not universally loved. Even the prettiest of diamonds have flaws. You know the complaint I hear all the time? People always tell me, but The Movie Hooligan! There's just no rhyme and reason to these reviews of yours! A horror movie one minute, a light-hearted musical the next! Even your box office reports and auteur watches don't appear on time all the time! Well, we've finally heard the clarion call in this new year of 2011, and after doing the principal component analysis on all the feedback we receive here, we're working to rectify the many, many complaints.
But let's get back to that main complaint. In an effort to finally compete with Yahoo and Facebook by providing regular features appearing at dependable intervals, we're providing regular features that appear at more dependable intervals. Maybe check in on Saturday nights just to be safe. First new regular feature: The Three Stooges... hey, I didn't say I had the best ideas in the world here!
Yes, The Three Stooges. Why, did you know that there's a country in which they have to be known as The Three Hooges? It's true! To 'stooge' means to womanize there... something like that. Qualities our boys aren't exactly successful at... on screen, anyway. But you ask, why The Movie Mooligan! Why the Stooges? Why now? That's the comedy of the past. The comedy of the now is just fine. Tina Fey! Kevin James! Zach Galifianakis! Well, all I can say is I've always seemed to have one foot in the past myself, and you might recall that old saw about being doomed to repeat the comedy of the past if we don't remember it. Not to mention the fact that the Stooges borrowed rather heavily from BOTH the Marx brothers and Laurel and Hardy! Don't THEY owe somebody some royalties for a change?
Besides, these days, nothing's funny anymore anyway, past or present. The spectre of low-key reactions to things is rampant in our culture. To make matters worse, passive Steven Wright has given way to proactive Demetri Martin. The abyss is staring back at us, and it's hungry, licking its chops in anticipation. No, comedy is dead, my friends. Let's face it. And what could be less funny than the same old black-and-white NON-HDTV doings of The Three Haircuts? That's really what they should be called, you know. The Three Haircuts! Moe represents the ideal young man with a full, lush head of hair. Larry represents middle age when the hair starts to go; the Mad Scientist as a young man, if you will. And of course, Curly tries to cheat the system by beating God to the punch: I'll take my own hair before you can!
Also, I don't think anyone wants to admit it, but I will. I'm as monkey-see-monkey-do as the best of 'em, and in my youth I lashed out at the kids who teased me. I actually did the eye-poke on one of them. Man, I got away with murder as a kid! But I turned out all right. I got this blog! How could I NOT turn out all right? So let that be a lesson to all you parents out there. These are the babysitters you're letting loose upon your children. Moe's a sociopath always working some ill-informed hustle, lavishing physical violence on his two pathetic hangers-on for no reason at all! Their only 'crime' is talking out of turn! For this they get slapped, hit on the head, poked in the eyes... and that's just the beginning! Larry is of course the pathetic best friend, with nowhere else to go, desperately hanging on Moe's every word who's just trying to siphon off Moe's awesomeness and usurp Moe's throne, taking out his frustrations on Curly. Curly never should have been let out of the insane asylum he escaped from... I guess I better put 'surely' escaped from just to be safe, but why else would his head be shaved? Surely his lobotomy scars are visible!
As for Shemp, I've run into a few people who don't like Shemp. This I never could understand. For one thing, he's one of the Howard brothers, for God's sake! Isn't it fitting that a Howard brother take Curly's place in his untimely absence? I guess the transition was too abrupt or something, like when Leno took over for Carson. As for Joe Besser, well, I just can't do it. Apparently his philosophy was to play Curly as a ten year old boy. Seems more like a three year old boy to me. Too bad, too, because the Stooges cinematography began to mature with Joe's arrival. Figures... oh, I hope that's the cat! The cat pushes the door open this time of night.
And with that, we're about to embark on a great journey, my fellow blog readers! One Stooge film a week for the next 190 weeks or so. Let us revel in the glory that is the Stooges, this comedy franchise from the roaring '30s that you can buy on DVD at your local Safeway. How things have changed!... or have they?