Short Reviews - October 2011

You often hear about the great unproduced scripts floating around Hollywood. Bill O'Reilly's "Those who Trespass" is SO the opposite... Meanwhile, here's something you'll never see in the short list on Yahoo!: "Peter's Friends remake" or "Peter's Friends sequel." People these days would be like "What is that? A porno?" Maybe it was! Who knows? I never got around to seeing it...


"In Living Color" - Not to be outdone by the return of "Beavis and Butthead", In Living Color's coming back to TV... How many more have to die?

The Three Stooges - Featuring "Snooki," a bunch of homeless guys that the Farrellys stepped past on the first day of principal photography and the cast of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. Larry David has a part in the film. He once asked Martin Scorsese if he knew what he was doing. Sure, it was just on his HBO show. Still, I can't help but wonder: if he says that to Scorsese, what's he going to say to those Farrelly boys?

Get Him to The Greek - KRUGMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cinderella Liberty - PONICSAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We Bought a Zoo - NOT based on Terry Thompson

Anonymous - From the director of 2012, The Day After Tomorrow and Stargate... Similar thematically to Stargate, actually! Remember? James Spader had some new-fangled theory that rocked the Egyptology world. Emmerich should take on the seven plagues next with help from the Naked Archaeologist... oh, right, James Cameron already did. Maybe Cameron will give his blessing.

The Rum Diary - Looks pretty good! But how did Johnny Depp steal Michael Rispoli away from Edward Norton?

J. Edgar - The best Scorsese picture ever made... by Clint Eastwood?!!

Gray Matters - Creepy premise, isn't it? A brother and sister that people assume are a married couple? Just saying... Maybe it's more common than I think, I don't know...

Suspect - You're next, Clarence Thomas!

For Love or Money - Barry Sonnenfeld, call your mother...

Harve Karbo - FINALLY! Some Coen news! Sounds like it's based on that Joe Carmody story from Ethan's Gates of Eden, but what the hell...

Solitary Man - What? No Kathleen Turner? Used to be that a Douglas-Turner-DeVito movie would get some damn PRESS COVERAGE!!! Speaking of which...

The War of the Roses - DTD Overdrive

Johnny English Reborn - With Gillian Anderson in the role that John Malkovich played in the first one: the American actor whom the rest of us ask "What the hell are they doing in THAT?" In Gillian's case, she needs the work.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey - My God! Christopher Lee's approaching 90! Better call Michael Gambon...

Drive - "I threw the hot dog toward Tiger Woods because I was inspired by the movie 'Drive,'" 31-year-old Brandon Kelly told The Press Democrat. "As soon as the movie ended, I thought to myself, 'I have to do something courageous and epic. I have to throw a hot dog on the green in front of Tiger.'" Meanwhile, Sarah Deming of Keego Harbor, Michigan, has just filed a lawsuit against FilmDistrict and the Michigan theater chain Emagine for “promot[ing] the film Drive as very similar to Fast and Furious, or similar, series of movies.” Good luck to both of you nutbags! We're dangerously close to entering Helter Skelter territory...

The Best Man(1964) - Lemme guess... Cliff Robertson's Nixon and Henry Fonda's Kennedy... Lee Tracy as Eisenhower... (http://www.epinions.com/review/Best_Man_Franklin_J_Schaffner/content_79235354244) I'm sorry, Fonda as Adlai Stevenson. That's what I get for not doing my homework.

Die Hard 5 - Sheesh. As long as Kevin Smith's not in it.

"Person of Interest" - With Kevin Chapman as Peter MacNicol

Inside Llewyn Davis - Whoever cloned Steven Soderbergh must've done the same with the Coens

Carl(a) - Seems familiar...

Connie and Carla - Close enough

Victor/Victoria - Finally! Found the month's theme...

Glen or Glenda - Now we've gone too far... Holy crap! I think we watched this because of Ed Wood! You talk about subliminigable!...

The Work and The Glory - Gov. Rick Perry would do well to watch the trilogy and get right with God. Does he want to lose Utah? All of Utah?

Trespass (2011) - First of all, there's only one Trespass (1992). The two Ices, the two Bills. Period. Second, since it's a Joel Schumacher film, I guess that means that the phone conversations will have two clear voices. Usually the person on the other end of the phone sounds a little crackly. Schumacher provides audio equity with his phone calls. Third, doesn't Nicolas Cage kinda look like Gary Cole from Office Space?

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows - Sorry, Bobby, but it's going to take more than your plea to salvage the train wreck that is Mel Gibson. For one, he's still worth more than you, right?

Air America - Mel's petitioning to have the title changed to "Fox News Airline"

Suburban Commando - Well, there you have it. Hulk Hogan doesn't support Obama anymore. Dare we bother to find out why?... oh, Hulk wants to be President himself. Sounds about right. I'm voting for Ventura if he runs. He's actually got some governing experience, and Hannity doesn't like him. Reasons enough.

The Fighter - Mark Wahlberg and David O. Russell are finally calling it quits. My question: why now? Why 11 years after George Clooney?

Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust - Greatest title ever... I guess Gary Busey has standards after all.

Immortals - It figures that Mickey Rourke would want to be a part of this... now if we can just get him another face transplant (Johnny Handsome?)

Sledgehammer O'Possum in Out and About - I hate to dredge it from obscurity, but I did see it on Cartoon Newtork lo those many years ago, but it's still perhaps the most obnoxious, annoying cartoon I've ever seen on TV. And I've been to Sick and Twisted festivals! I watched it again with the sound off, and it still held true to its awful, awful ideals.

A Little Bit of Soul - With Geoffrey Rush as Godfrey Usher

Desperado - With Steve Buscemi as Buscemi

The Book of Mormon (2014) - Never say never, right? And they thought they were done after Team America: World Police... for shame, South Park boys!

Jack and Jill - Ah yes... Adam Sandler finally dips his toes into the Eddie Murphy "Nutty Professor" waters, playing two roles on-screen at the same time. Seems like he did that in Zohan somehow, or maybe he just spent most of the film on a MoCap stage. I'm assuming cinematographer Dean Cundey, cameraman on such classic movies as the Back to the Future trilogy, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and Jurassic Park, got sufficiently drunk on the set.

Rocky Balboa - Oh, Wikipedia... sweet, naive Wikipedia... the sixth and final film in the Rocky franchise? You really believe that, don't you?

And They're Off - Best movie of 1986...

Rapturepalooza - Craig Robinson as the Anti-Christ? All this time I thought it was Anthony Anderson!

Three Sappy People by Dawn's Early Light..........

If I recall correctly, the first Stooges videotape we got back in the day featured Dizzy Pilots, A Bird in the Head, and this one: Three Sappy People. And in it, the Stooges may be up against the greatest challenge they've ever faced: they're up against someone as loony as they are! The sad saga of Lorna Gray / Adrian Booth's career is an interesting one if you've got the time to read it. Not me, I gotta keep moving. How she failed to get a cameo in Crimewave I'll never know. Do your research, Raimi! Incidentally, it's apparently not too late... Here, she's the engine that drives this one forward. Let's have a look-see, shall we?

ACT ONE

Here's the scene, folks: we start with a glimpse into the life of privilege, where this so-called "Great Depression" hasn't inflicted Sherry Rumsford hard enough. She's late to her own party but makes a grand entrance... in her car! We'll leave behind the logistics of that for now and focus on the dilemma of her poor, upper-middle-class husband who's at his wit's end. It's a good thing he loves her, otherwise... And yet, there's a kernel of universal truth there someplace. Boy, I guess it doesn't matter if you're rich or poor: this life's going to be hard for you either way if you're socially inept! A friend suggests these three psychiatrists... The Stooges must've lost the coin flip this time, because they play three guys that get mistaken for the psychiatrists, in lieu of the elegant simplicity of playing the psychiatrists themselves. Scene: the office of Dr. Z. Ziller, Dr. X. Zeller, and Dr. Y. Zoller. I guess they're German. Technical note: as the camera dollies back towards the center of the office, the camera's rolling at 12 frames per second, and the painter and phone operator are working a little more feverishly than normal. Fate sweeps them out of the office. The phone operator exits through one door, the painter through another. Things were more uptight back then. As the painter leaves, the Stooges enter at precisely the same moment. Just go with it. Larry's big moment: he says "Looks like there's nobody here!" Curly easily steals his thunder, though. The man is a comedic genius with a ladder. Apparently they couldn't get a balsa wood prop ladder because Moe ever so gently gets hit in the head with the ladder in a separate shot. The phone operator comes back in and asks "Say! What war is this?" More timely than ever. When it's the Three Stooges, it's obviously World War Three! Duh! Finally, their profession is revealed: they're from the phone company, and they're here to help. The ten scariest words in the English language, especially in this context. The boys, having already begun the hard work of destroying half of the psychiatrists' office, change focus and get down to the hard work of destroying the other half of the office. Moe and Curly engage in a brutal game of tug of war. Curly loses. There's a mid-scene edit so they can carefully set up Curly with paint cans on his hands and a board on his head; Larry, of course, doesn't pull off the illusion as well as Moe.
Fate intervenes again. The Stooges are presented with an economic incentive to pose as the three psychiatrists. I still probably didn't get it right, but apparently in this film Curly's about to be a father, but he could use a little cash, of course... I'm not over-using the word 'apparently,' am I? Boy, I'd hate to see THAT word cloud! Still, the significance of this scene is not to be underestimated: for once, Curly's called to task by his fellow Stooges for "acting slug-nutty all day." Usually their erratic behaviour is a given, is it not?

ACT TWO
There's no fade to black to separate acts one from two, but we gotta trudge on all the same. We're at the Rumsford home, where Sherry's about to leave. Fortunately, or unfortunately, the Stooges arrive on a three-seater tandem. Sherry finds the threesome hilarious, and decides to stay and entertain her party guests after all. The chauffeur looks on in abject horror; hence the picture! Once again, the Stooges show their liberal bias: Sherry invites the boys in by saying "Last one in is a Republican!" The Stooges immediately crash into butler Bud Jamison, who almost as immediately crash-lands into the lap of a party guest. The Stooges only make matters worse with the most obvious jokes. The long-suffering husband says "Now, let me tell you a little bit about Sherry..." ...yup! Can't go wrong with names with two meanings. All this talk about alcohol sends the boys scurrying over to the punch table. What is it with the Stooges and food? Larry gets another chance to strut his acting chops by pointing out that the punch is weak. Ever the experimental chemists, the boys dump more liquor into the punch bowl until it's steaming, as though from dry ice. Man, is my typing getting atrocious of late! I thought I was going to get better at typing as I get older... Oh, right, Moe adds Worcestershire, and Larry adds Tabasco to the mix. More acting for Larry. The husband comes over and says "Gentlemen, would you be good enough to look my wife over, now?" Easy...
Next comes the recurring gag that holds practically the rest of the film hostage: that old reflex test where you tap just below a person's kneecap. The Stooges of course can't even handle that. Fortunately, Curly doesn't totally lose it on Sherry's knee. Curly ends up kicking Moe in the face... or close enough to it. Curly also runs afoul of a comedy statue, quite similar to Harpo in Animal Crackers. How much did THAT cost?

ACT THREE
As often happens when the Stooges visit the job creators, dinner gets served. They're first in the race to the dinner table, of course, but we start Act Three with a level playing field. You know, so everyone has an equal chance. Moe reigns in Larry by his curly hair. Curly's seated next to a classy dame, the Countess played by Ann Doran. She's a cut above the usual Stooge actor. She played James Dean's mom in Rebel Without a Cause! God bless the IMDb. Of course, she looks like she's going to laugh when Curly touches her cheek with an electric razor. Such sloppy work. The Countess is working her face over with a ... you know, one of those makeup pads. Geez, am I devolving or what? Is there any doubt that it's going to get eaten? The Countess has moved on to lipstick, so she doesn't suspect anything, except that Curly's still a nut. Thank God the tamales arrive. Curly's confused by his, while Moe and Larry look downright horrified. Technical note: I should probably point out that the same background audio loop is used, as we hear the same chuckle over and over and over and over and over.... but back to the tamales, the food that leads to the big food fight that all these high-class banquets seem to end with. What is it about the upper-class people during the Great Depression wasting food? Such decadence. These tamales seem to be filled with black ink. Larry squirts Curly in the eye, and Curly throws his tamale at Moe, despite Larry's protestations. I only point this out because the tamale gives Moe the appearance of a Devil's beard which he's unable to shake. The food fight quickly turns to cream puffs, given the lack of pies. Ann Doran gets used as a shield by Curly, which leads to her great line: "The King shall hear of this!" Curly, of course, does his move where he winds up to throw a cream puff, gets hit in the face, winds up again, gets hit again... that's his shtick! That's his shtick that he does! Several times in different films. Poor Bud Jamison gets some cream puff residue on the back of his neck, and raises his shoulders in response. The Stooges receive some pay, and the long-suffering husband finally gets some payback. Assault by chocolate cake, if you will. Am I the only one who thought of Joe Pesci's demise in GoodFellas? Similar setup, anyway. Should serve as a nice prolegomena to any future rich eccentrics.

EPILOGUE

Earlier in the film, Curly said he suffered from T.S. As do we all, Curly... as do we all...

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Penny and Garry Marshall

I cannot believe I forgot this powerhouse sibling pair! I have to temporarily suspend the alphabetical order of things... oh, it's just that important. Sorry, Parlapanides, but you're just a'gonna hafta wait'a. Well, I guess Garry's doing all the powering these days, frankly. He's made a movie called "Valentine's Day". Up next? "New Year's Day" or "New Year's Eve." If he's really bold, he'll do "Pesach" or "The Bestest Yom Kippur Ever."
As with the Scotts, Ridley and Tony, one's got the brains and sensitivity, and one's got the box office savvy. Penny caught on for a while during the 90s when the Cold War ended and we were ready to get in touch with our feelings. Garry had a couple tricks up his sleeve, though! Cheeky bastard. If I had to guess, I'd say the 80s were Penny's favorite decade. Well, she's kinda mid-decades. If I had to guess, I'd say 1985-1995 were her favourite years. After The Preacher's Wife, it was a slow decline into... shudder! Directing TV. According to Jim? Puh-leeeeeze. Jim's not a good director's actor. 1999's Made Men? That's Jim's kind of thing.
As for Garry, well, it appears that, after Pretty Woman, he was pretty much free to bomb as he pleased. Tis a long way between blockbusters after all. But God bless him, Hector Elizondo won't do a film without Garry... motel pictures, huh? A toast to the practically guaranteed success of New Year's Eve. Take a chance on the trilogy, Gar. Make a romantic Boxing Day blockbuster with Don McKellar in the lead. Take a chance!

Shrek 4.5?

Where's Keith Braithwaite when I need him? Why, even Albert Pyun doesn't stop by anymore... even when I flash the Pyun Signal in the sky.......... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... time to eat my cans of frosting some more. Well, this should come as little to no surprise. Of course, it's no Cars 2, but few can be. Larry the Cable Guy might stick out like a sore paw in this one. Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas team up for at least the third time for Puss in Boots. The other debuts this week include In Time, The Rum Diary and... Anonymous? That's this week, right? Oh dear. According to Variety, it's in limited release stateside. Still, I can't help but think that the Bard is smiling down on the film's failure. But let's get back to the other films. No one's raving about The Rum Diary, but I look on the bright side: Ebert gave it more stars than 1998's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Then again, FLLV had a #1 opening weekend. Always a trade-off. Meanwhile, more Coen news keeps pouring in. Apparently Justin Timberlake has signed on to Inside Llewyn Davis, the Coens' next flic. Never underestimate the casting power of the director of photography: longtime Coen collaborator Roger Deakins was the camera guy on In Time. My other favourite example is Thomas Rosales Jr. who had semi-prominent roles in Heat and L.A. Confidential, both filmed by... the same Italian dude. Our guest has returned; I better go...

The Friends of Benny Affleck

I wasn't sure if I should go with that headline (an awful pun based on 'The Friends of Eddie Coyle') or with "Ben Affleck's 'Heat'", but both surely apply, and there are homages to both in Affleck's Boston-based crime caper "The Town." The only thing he forgot is repeated trips to the confession booth, or to a wake, or wherever one goes to get wine and communion wafers. The religion of the characters is left out of it for time's sake.
Welp, seeing as how I am such a movie geek to the point of remembering the freakin' TRAILERS for these things, I might as well make it part of my critique, because the trailer did sell the film pretty well for me. On the other hand, I did have a problem with the whole love story angle... if I remember correctly, they pointed out in the trailer that this was a thriller with a twist: the robber falls in love with the sexy young girl who works at the bank. Victor Garber, not so much. Loved him in Titanic, though! I had problems with that plot device in the trailer, and I had more problems with it in the movie. Aren't I a genius? Love me, cherish me. But Ben does what he can with it. It does become a problem later on, and the plot gets complicated as a result.
But let's get back to the meat and potatoes of the film. We got ourselves a fine heist film here with all the modern conveniences that a modern take on the cops 'n robbers genre needs. Jon Hamm plays the proverbial Al Pacino "Heat" role here as the FBI guy hot on the bad guys' trail. Ben Affleck is the proverbial De Niro "Heat" arch-criminal but with a thick Boston brogue. The meeting of Ben and Hamm clearly isn't as epic, iconic, game-changing, what-have-you, as the Heat counterpart, but not many can be. Besides, with Righteous Kill, De Niro and Pacino are an ocean cruise away from being the new post Buddy Buddy Lemmon/Matthau comedy team! Let's face it! And let's hope that it comes to fruition.
So the robbery that opens films like these pretty much goes off without a hitch, but they decide to take bank employee Rebecca Hall along with them during the getaway. Apparently this wasn't Affleck's idea, but he takes a shine to her all the same. Well, Woody Allen did as well, so can you blame a guy? They drop her off and leave her blindfolded and barefoot, much like what was done in Coyle under similar circumstances. She provides the moral dilemma of the movie: is she just another witness to eliminate? Or do she and Affleck live happily ever after?
The courtship begins, right after Ben has a quickie with future Ellen Barkin-in-training, Blake Lively. Usually the woman wants the man to spend the night, but anything REALLY goes these days, as Cole Porter will attest from his heavenly post as he looks down on the modern world in constant, perpetual disbelief. But you see, Krista and Claire represent two 'paths' that Doug MacRay can take with his life. Krista is the same-old-same-old blue collar life, and Claire is the upgrade to the nice part of town. "Dig Dug" clearly has a lot of brushing up to do if he wants to fit in with Claire. Their first meeting was a bit underwhelming as a psychological gotcha game; Claire should've been a little more suspicious, frankly. The communal garden becomes Dougie and Claire's "home base," so to speak. We'll go back there a couple more times.
But now, it's back to the guy stuff. Next robbery, please! This one gets a little messy, but they manage to escape, Ronin-style. Sorry, Spoiler Alert. More plot developments, then the one final score. Enter that venerable character actor, Pete Postlethwaite. Who does he remind me of... James Finlayson, ever so slightly? Guess we'll have to wait for that biopic a little longer. Oh well. SPOILER ALERT: Something for all bad guys everywhere to remember: if you want to get killed, tell someone about how you killed their parents. You just might get your own self killed soon after. Another biopic casting suggestion: Titus Welliver as the lead in the Anthony Bourdain biopic, directed by Steven Soderbergh.
The plotting in Heat was a little more fluid, not so by-the-numbers as you might notice. The Town, sadly, suffers a bit as the end approaches. And I'm being kind: there are plot holes you could drive an armored car through... but I did appreciate the bit where the cops start shooting at the wrong armored car. How do you signal to the cops in an armored car that you're not the bad guy? The dude in this instance does what he can, probably getting very hurt in the process. The crooks that we're rooting for here aren't as prepared as the crooks in Heat, and very much less prepared as the ones in Bandits in their big final escape. Still, the main ones manage to escape: Coughlin and MacRay. Philosophical discussion time: are they not two sides of the same coin? I'll leave that for others to hash out, except to say, yes. Yes they are. And one side of the coin has to die, or at least get re-smelted. More spoilers: Dougie escapes, but manages to leave enough money behind for Claire to donate ice to the local rink in Dougie's mom's name. There's even a nice plaque and everything. On behalf of my cranky friend who watched the movie with me: wouldn't that get Claire into even more trouble than she was already in with the FBI? Wouldn't they ask where the money came from for her to make such a charitable donation? Wouldn't that happen? Or did Dougie set that up before he left? So many questions. And yet, I was entertained nonetheless. Probably won't watch it again, but who's got time to rewatch everything anyway, right? Unless someone wants to get it for me on Blu-Ray, hint hint..... sigh. That never works!


***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

The state of the American blockbuster: Thar be the cast of "Blow"!

Tis a rare occasion indeed for me when I get to travel to a friend's house to watch a movie. But every once in a while the stars align just right, and that very thing did just happen, as this friend of mine happened to buy the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. An expensive 2-pack, no less! They got the Blu-Ray AND the DVD. Can you believe they're already predicting the obsolescence of the DVD? Apparently the internet's going to conquer our TVs or something, and provide streaming movies to our TVs wherever and whenever, blah blah blah. Personally, I think they might as well try to get DVD commentaries coming into our cable boxes. That's the state of the American cinema at this point: why watch the sick and twisted Death Wish II when you can listen to the even sicker and more twisted minds behind the making of it?
Unfortunately, this friend of mine didn't have a 3D television yet, so I didn't fully appreciate the various gratuitous 3D moments that are apparently going to become commonplace. Personally, I'm not as against them as Roger Ebert is. Most of the great movies have some kind of 3D gimmick in them already. Anyone remember that Buster Keaton film where he's sitting on the front of a train that emerges from the horizon and stops just short of hitting the camera? That would probably be his vanity logo if he were alive and filming today... or maybe the thing where the front of the house falls on top of him. Yeah, probably that one.
This film cost 250 million dollars. Let that sink in for a while. I guess that's small potatoes these days, actually. Quantum of Solace cost around 225 million. Spider Man 3 also sported a 250 million price tag. Lord knows what the next Batman film's going to cost. I'm thinking probably 210: they should stick with the 30 million step increases just to be safe; of course, they're feverishly changing Catwoman's costume digitally, so there's another 20 million or so. But Pirates of the Caribbean 4 cost 250 million, 55 of which went to Johnny Depp. I'm assuming he didn't have points; otherwise, he would've gotten screwed. Disney's the real pirate, am I right? Whatever Geoffrey Rush got, it obviously didn't go towards makeup. He's looking a bit pale these days. Well, some people are a rougher 60 than others, but he's still got that true pirate spirit, and a hearty laugh to boot.
Unfortunately, there isn't a digital marvel here quite like the squid-faced Davy Jones. But make no mistake about it, we're not short on alpha male pirates here, and Ian McShane as Blackbeard will do rather nicely. Unfortunately, he's not allowed to run free at the mouth like his Deadwood character. This is PG-13, for God's sake! Speaking of which, his ... I'm sorry, the demise of one of the characters seemed to push the PG-13 rating pretty good. The 250 million is nothing if not up on the screen, I give 'em that.
As for the plot, well, I think it was sufficiently complicated enough. That's the way plots are these days: they try to insure repeat viewings through complicated plots, but I think I got the gist of it the first go-round. They wisely trimmed the Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom characters from the fat, and broadened the pic's scope a bit. Pintel and Ragetti are gone too; I guess they wanted too much money. I haven't read the novel that this installment's based on. I just hope it's not like the Twilight series at all. I'm probably giving it away, but I'll make the comparison nonetheless: probably the most direct comparison I can make is that this smacks ever so slightly of Indiana Jones 3. This time, however, there's two chalices instead of one... and the retrieval of a mermaid tear to boot. The mermaids this time seem to have arrived more or less out of the FHM/Maxim/Michael Bay casting vortex, with a vampire twist, if I may be so bold. The mermaids are rather bereft of cleavage, which is where Penelope Cruz comes in. Gotta love that hat. Why, is that a tattoo? I don't know much about tattoo etiquette, but a breast tattoo probably shouldn't be much larger than hers. I'm old fashioned that way, what can I say. Barry Sonnenfeld adopted a similar strategy with Wild Wild West and beyond: production values. Well, what do you expect from the director of such hits as Chicago, Memoirs of a Geisha and Nine?... that WAS Judi Dench! Lucky girl... I missed it, but Keith Richards returns as Jack Sparrow's dad, and he's got a classic line: "Does this face look like it's been to the Fountain of Youth?" I guess not, but does he still goes to Switzerland to get his blood changed?
Well, I guess I hate to admit it, but I was entertained. What can I say? The way movies are made today, there seems to be a lot of science poured into their making. Computer graphics, probably computer-enhanced screenwriting. Do they use word clouds to double check everything? Something's going on, I swear. Of course, I couldn't help but think that computer-enhanced screenwriting was at work in Terminator 3 when Ah-nold appears nude in the world once again, but ends up going into a Chippendale's themed strip club. Maybe it's focus group-based screenwriting, who knows. But no matter how fancy things get (in the Pirates movies), there always seems to be a moment when Jack ends up at one solitary island. It happened in the first one, and he was out of rum. No time to stop and smell the rum in this one. Also, he doesn't get decked in the face, only to turn and stick his big mug right in the camera's lens. See? 3D before it was 3D. Why, one might go so far as to say that the entrance to the fountain of youth was a teeny bit of an homage to Depp's big death scene in A Nightmare on Elm Street, both more or less involving fluids defying gravity. They even manage to work in an homage to ships in a bottle. Even better than that, because of Penelope Cruz, they throw in a quick nod to the tempestuous nature of Spanish/Mexican women: they apparently love and hate you in equal measure. So much feminine mystique summed up in one 10 second exchange... A toast to the new science of movies; may they never have to reveal it to us.

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

"Hey, don't look now, but I think we're about to be killed!"

FINALLY! One I don't have to watch... but what the hell, I don't have a whole lot on my plate right now

ACT ONE

We start off with the bad guys this time, a gang of three crooks who don't even use a gun. They're slick slicksters who talk old widows into handing over the deeds to their houses. If I remember correctly, Nixon used to do something similar before he became president. But the high and low tend to cross paths in California, and the three white collar criminals drive past our three blue-collar heroes. Larry jumps out of the way into Moe's arms; Moe promptly throws Larry onto the ground. Well, not too promptly, but you get the idea. The first recurring acorn is planted in the brain when Curly says he craves roast chicken and dumplings. Over the course of the next 16 minutes or so, it will become a mighty oak. A mighty oak indeed. Moe slaps Curly, telling him it was for not dreaming enough for the both of them. A smart sentiment. Doesn't bode well for Larry. Yes, Curly is indeed in full bloom here, chewing up the scenery like nobody's business. But before Moe can really tear into Curly, Larry spots the farm across the street. The boys enter. Curly finds an egg. Some capering ensues. The farmer comes in. Seeing as how this was the Great Depression and all, and the farmer apparently had no Mexicans working for him, the farmer offers to feed the boys after they saw up some wood... hoh boy. Here we go.
Curly ends up getting the back of his head sawed by this giant saw. Cheese and crackers. Ah, I remember the good old days when we would rewind the VCR tape and watch that part a couple of times, wondering how the hell they did that. Even now I can't help but squeam at it. Incidentally, when Curly wrecks a tool like that, there are no follow-ups... until now. Moe and Larry have to keep using this saw, but can't because of the teeth ravaged by Curly's corundum head! Moe loses it and starts chasing Curly round the wood. Moe gets hit in the stomach with the saw... it's too hard to explain. Curly gets hit with the saw next. Now, finer movie critics than I also cut their teeth on this movie, and noticed differences in Curly's line readings. In Movie Maniacs and the instant case, Curly ends up saying "My mother knows my name." I think the general consensus is that his line reading in Movie Maniacs was better than it is in Oily to Bed, Oily to Rise. But I can see the wisdom in both approaches: it's hard to keep things fresh.
It's not quite Act Two yet... The farmer comes back in, sees the mess the boys made, and gives them an easier task to do: loading a wagon. It's either that or jail, and the boys are still eager to impress. Of course, even a task as simple as loading a wagon can get totally f... messed up by the Stooges. This is the stark contrast between Laurel & Hardy and the Three Stooges. The modern world's conveniences never fail to foul up L&H's plans. The Stooges seem a little more deliberate in comparison. Anyway, the final score: Curly - 0, Faulty Wagon Bottom - 4. Curly ends up in close to genuine tears. So painful to watch.

ACT TWOhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif... these blank.gifs are breeding like rabbits!

We see the deednappers at work, but their luck's about to change... or, at least, cross paths with the Stooges. Worse than any voodoo. One of the bad guys steps in mud, almost as bad as the mud that Principal Ed Rooney runs afoul of at the Bueller residence... geez! I must be stuck in 1985. God, I hate that song. Anyway, the muddy foot guy uses the wrong sign to wipe off his foot with, and off he goes to join his buddies. Meanwhile, the Stooges are on foot. How they ended up with the irate farmer is wisely left alone. We'll see him again as an army sergeant that the boys REALLY run afoul of. Good comedic foil. The boys are so tired from walking that Curly can't even bark like a dog at his usual full throttle. And then... let the wishing begin! Fear itself is the only thing after all! The Stooges become proverbial Cinderellas when they stumble across the "free auto." Once again, finer eyes detected that the boys run towards the car early. (Curly 7:13) Sloppy, sloppy editing, but that's Cannery Row for ya!
Is it just me, or would Barry Sonnenfeld make a good Curly? Well, maybe 10 years ago. Alas, Awesomest Maximus will just have to do. He works cheap. Curly's wish streak continues, as the boys stumble upon a house with a nice old lady cooking up a batch of roast chicken, dumplings, and hot apple pie. An early example of dubbing: Curly whispers to Moe, "Gee, I wish she had some roast chicken and dumplings!" Is Hollywood always this magical? Moe does an impression of Shemp at about 9:44. Again, maybe it's just me, but it's indeed rare to see Moe not angry, and not on the verge of a spate of violence. The boys eat their fill, then offer to do some work for this nice lady. Curly's next wish: to meet three beautiful girls. The wish comes true when the nice lady's three daughters come home from a bathing beauty contest. The boys immediately stop what they're doing and introduce themselves. The nice old lady wisely gets them back on track. Back they go to fix the pump. Their penchant for chaos serves all well as they discover a very giving oil reserve on the nice old lady's land. Welp, that's one thing to be said about solar panels! You can't just dig 'em up. The oil well's erupting from the ground, and the boys, ever the idea men, get the idea to stop the gusher with Curly's ass. It works for a while, but Curly eventually isn't enough to hold back the oil stream, and he ends up in the air. At about 4:17, Curly sounds a bit like John Candy when he says "Get me down," I dare say! Maybe I'm up too late. Moe and Larry eventually lasso Curly, and yank him down off the oil stream, and he falls, breaks his neck, and dies instantly. No, not really, but still... damn, you know SOMEBODY got hurt doing all this stuff! The nice old lady... let's call her the widow Jenkins at this point, what the hell. The boys tell the widow Jenkins that she's rich. The widow Jenkins informs the boys that she just handed over her deed. Now who's acting like a Stooge? Anyway, the Stooges change out of their oil-soaked clothes into some dry clothes. They storm off looking like three widow Jenkinses, and act even more butch than usual to compensate for their new duds. They drive around in search of the crooks and fortunately happen upon them rather quickly.

ACT THREE

I just realized! I didn't break for Act 3 yet. Might as well do it here. Anyway, they find the bad guys, defeat the bad guys, sit back and let the car drive itself like three idiots, regain control of the car, and defeat the widow Jenkins' picket fence with the bad guys' car. Curly's last wish for a Justice of the Peace comes true. I didn't recognize him because he didn't have a face full of mashed potatoes. Curly makes a Dionne quintuplets reference, kisses Moe on the face, and it ends. And so ends an unusually action-packed Stooge film. One of the actual classics. Again, maybe I'm just biased because it's a childhood favourite. You could warp your kids with worse these days.

****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Oxide and Danny Pang

How about some real chemical brothers? It's right there in the name, for Gawd's zake! And on top of that, like the Hughes, they're twins. This phenom seems to be more common than not. But at least these twins were born on the same day... same year, anyway. Somewhere on the web it says that Marc and Lori Singer are twins, but check this out... Marc "Beastmaster" Singer, born 1948. Lori Singer, born 1957. Sigh. She's almost at the grandmother stage of her career, for Gawd's zake! I was going to say that you never see Marc Singer and Kevin Bacon together, but these days it's more like Marc Singer and Ellen Degeneres. Could somebody else play the Kevin Bacon game for me? Why don't they have that on IMDb yet? Start with Eagle Eye. That'll save you a lot of heartache trying to connect the dots. But let's try and get back to the Pangs here. For Gawd's sake. They began their cinematic odyssey in 1999 in earnest with a li'l independent feature called Who Is Running? From this plot description, it seems we can tell where their whole career's basically headed, into quasi-Ringu territory. Sorry, but I must confess I'm not a Pang brother expert. Next came Bangkok Dangerous, which they would of course later remake with Nic Cage. Well, they must be making money, because they keep working. Their output is pretty impressive, you must admit! Almost as prolific as Tyler Perry! Well, Tyler's probably the gold standard now: two movies a year. He's the gold standard now. The Pangs tried to keep up during the 2000s. And despite what you might think, Bangkok Haunted's not a sequel to Bangkok Dangerous. Also, they skipped The Eye 3-9 and jumped right to The Eye 10. They did so well in fact that in 2003 they went British Hollywood with The Tesseract starring Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Soon after they went Hollywood with 2007's The Messengers starring Dylan McDermott. On the other hand, they didn't write one. It's a film about the ghosts that haunt Penelope Ann Miller's career. Then came their Bangkok Dangerous reboot with Nicolas Cage. I remember it well because it opened at #1 in its first week, then dropped to #8 its second week, and then completely out of the top 10 the third week... is that a good thing? Well, it doesn't seem to have slowed them down a whole lot. Their latest is Sleepwalker... which is where I have to draw the line. There's only one Sleepwalker, and that's 1992's Sleepwalkers, based on a Richard Bachman story... or Stephen King, one of those two. Check out this photo: this should tell you all you need to know... about something.

Hey! Remember 1988?

What a year. The Talking Heads began their long slide into breaking up after the over-produced "Little Creatures" and "Naked." John Hughes was growing up, so to speak, moving into family territory with "She's Having a Baby." Bruce Hornsby and his soft-rock minions taking MTV away from the children. "Rain Man" sweeping the Oscars. Me, I was just starting high school and trying to keep my head above water. The point being, 1988 is when "Paranormal Activity 3" takes place. I hope they got the production design right! They must be doing something right, as each film in the trilogy's been raking in the dough. Bet the Saw films wish they could do that well. Less is more, guys. Someday, all hit movies will be filmed on cellphones from a web diary point of view. Won't our eyes be thanking us in advance for that?
Meanwhile, the Brits are taking a sacking at the box office. The other two debuts this week clearly aren't faring as well. The Three Musketeers at #4? Did Dick Lester direct this one as well? Are they not trying hard enough? On the other end of the spectrum, there's Johnny English 2: The Sequel No One Wanted. Lemme tell you something: if even Richard Curtis didn't want anything to do with it, you're in trouble. Someone's in trouble. Probably all of us. But he's working for Spielberg! Everything is below his level now. He'll choose his projects a lot more carefully for now on... if he's smart. Just saying. Better run.

The Pink Panther cartoons shine on!

Boy, just when you think YouTube's got everything... I just happened to be watching Scorsese's latest documentary about George Harrison the old fashioned way, TiVo'd off of HBO. George was at some happening, and on a screen in the background they were showing Pink Posies! Awesome. Or maybe it was one of the remakes that spliced old footage into new cartoons with not so much new footage... apparently just Pinkologist. Nah, that can't be right, because that was the late 70s when George was a bit of a train wreck in his Gallagher-esque outfit and his raspy voice. Nah, must've been just after 1967 when A Serious Man came out... I mean, when Pink Posies came out.
...oh, right. The cartoon itself. Well, it's kinda standard stuff, but as timeless as ever. There's a couple of these Pink Panther cartoons that aren't so good... this one where he spends six minutes on out-of-control rollerskates comes to mind, but here we've got a good old fashioned freaking out of The Man. It's a flower-based arms race between the yellow establishment and the pink grassroots. Who will win? I hate to spoil it for you, but I will say that the dude getting shot with the Insta-Grow flower seeds was a little extreme... but that's how things are these days. A normal person has to wince at cartoon violence. Any deviation from the normal reactions and you can't run for President.

****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Going over and over in my mind, I relive it one Stooge film at a time...

All right, let's get this over with now as well. What the hell... Hey, Farrelly brothers! Whaddaya think? Tobey Maguire as Curly...

As Wikipedia points out, usually the Stooges are stuck in blue collar jobs, or start the picture running from the police. Here they are successful veterinarians with three young lady assistants, working on a rich person's dog. Will the operation go without a hitch?

ACT ONE

Curly's hitting his stride as a Stooge. Full-bodied n'yuk-n'yuks, punchlines nailed perfectly, good choreography... seems like only yesterday. But perhaps he gets a little too big for his britches. Fer instance, Curly takes a rare opportunity to play Moe to Larry, asking Larry what he's doing. Typically, Moe will ask Curly what he's doing, just before the fireworks fly. Larry's washing his socks, and Curly takes those socks and slaps Larry across the face! Dude, this is a game changer. A total game changer. Fortunately, equilibrium is soon restored when Curly runs afoul of a comical soap dispenser. Long story short, Curly turns into a frozen soap bubble dispenser.
The operation begins. As always, Moe asks for an "Ana-cana-pana"... something like that. In a rare twist, Curly doesn't hit Moe in the face with his elbow... gosh, this all seems very familiar. Oh, right, for some reason I started to watch this one a couple weeks ago. It's a good thing the old bag didn't figure out she could've performed the "operation" herself and spared herself a lot of heartbreak. But, that's how it is when you're a job creator!

ACT TWO
The Stooges take two members of the liberal media on a tour of the animal hospital. Comedy abounds. Only a Stooge would do the old "I got my eyes closed" routine, only to have their retinas shattered anew. As for me, I tend to learn one new thing a day. Today's thing: G.C.M. stands for "Garbage Can Moocher." May I never use that acronym ever again. As it turns out, the two members of the liberal media aren't actually reporters, but dognappers who intend to hold the rich bag's poodle for ransom. In other words, business as usual for the liberal media. Thank God Rupert Murdoch is out there, fighting back... actually, I guess he doesn't have to fight back! Will he go to bat for his underlings who did all the really dirty work? Let's hope not for the sake of his white gloves. Anyway, plot devices conspire to leave Garcon, the rich poodle, unguarded, and the two thugs go to work. We just saw the one guy in A Ducking They Did Go. He's on a Stooge short rampage, apparently. The dog gets kidnapped, but we must switch to other pressing comedy manners, like Curly plucking out Moe's eyebrow hairs... never mind, it'd take too long to explain. Time to bring on the food! The Stooges and a bunch of dogs have lunch together at a giant table. The Stooges are so into their jobs, they also dine on dog biscuits with the rest of the mutts. It's up to one of the nurses to inform the Stooges that Garcon is missing... I mean, Garçon. Gotta get those characters right. (Alt+0231) The dognappers left a ransom note on the patient clipboard, and as Moe reads the note, the camera dollies in closer. Academy Award nomination, anyone?

ACT THREE
The boys think of a plan to get Garçon back. Unfortunately, none of the boys gets a thought in the back of their head... That's Shemp's bit. Hands off! But then, tragedy strikes... the boys disguise one of their OTHER dogs as Garçon. This was in the old days when mattresses were stuffed with black stuff. Leaded cotton, maybe. They take their bastard creation back to the rich old bag's house, where the wacky black maid answers the door. Can the ASPCA do retroactive actions? The wacky black maid ends up vacuuming two parts of the dog's disguise off, then exiting stage left in a caricatured manner, as was the style at the time. Thank God Herman Cain will take us back to those days. Anyway, the Stooges eagerly help themselves to the rich old bag's liquor, with Moe helping to spill as much of it on the floor as possible. They also end up doing the old... what to call it? Larry gets ice cubes down his back, and starts squirming about in a desperate attempt to dislodge them. Moe and Curly start doing the old Russian Dance. Whatever you call that bit, they got it here. The rich old bag enters the picture. Who is that, anyway? It's not Symona Boniface... it's Beatrice Curtis, on loan from Frank Capra, along with Dick Curtis... related? Apparently not. She sees the dog, realizes she's been hoodwinked, and orders the boys to get Garcon back, or it's back to the hoose gow where they should've stayed. Like the true class acts they are, they don't tell her about the kidnapping plot that Garcon is wrapped up in. Lesser mortals like you and I would've told her, but what's the point of a ruling class if you can't have a little fun with them, right? Curly uses the dog to haul off the liquor cart for later, in some kind of Alcoholics Iditarod. The lady rightly faints a second time... oh, is there any doubt this is going to have a happy ending? They also throw in the "Two men in the same coat" fight strategy. You'll see it in Crash Goes the Hash as well. Never gets old.

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Jonathan and Christopher Nolan

Well, things couldn't be going better for these two, that's for sure. Then again, success comes with its own problems. Whether it's kidnapping threats or failing kidneys, everybody wants a piece of ya. The big flap right now is over the new Catwoman's outfit, and people are being downright catty about it! Will the studio make last minute digital changes? You can do a lot more with digital these days. Maybe they can Gump in Ellen Page instead. Do they still call it Gump? Or is it Photoshop now?
Older by six years, Chris is clearly the alpha brother of the two. Both worked on Chris' short films before striking it big with Memento. They even got to enter next year's Oscars! That's how good it was. Then came Insomnia. How anyone survives working with Robin Williams these days is a mystery to me, but Chris did it, and got to reboot the Batman franchise, and as anyone who owns TimeWarner stock will tell you, it was an epic, iconic game-changer. Especially that second one! But, never one to stand still, Chris is able to pull off the "indie" film in-between blockbusters: The Prestige, and Inception. One of which features Christian Bale. Chris wanted to use Bale in Inception, but I guess the guy was busy doing something... Anyway, Nolan's developing his own little stock company, putting many of the Inception cast in the next Batman pic. It's being called the last Batman pic, but I'm sure he'll find something for his stock company to do next. Meanwhile, Jonathan's got Person of Interest to contend with and, while Robert Downey Jr.'s trying to resurrect Mel Gibson's reputation, Jim Caviezel's reputation just might come first. Or maybe it's already back. Michael Emerson's okay and all, and thank God he got out of the Saw series while the getting was good, but I hope they bring in Alan Cumming at some point. Harold Finch as a younger man? Finch's long lost brother? Writers can do anything these days, and it's not like Alan's so busy these days, is it?
So I'm going out on a limb here, but I dare say these Nolan boys have done quite well in these here 2000s. If the 2000s aren't their favorite decade, none of them will be! The rise of the Nolans, the fall of George W. Bush's America 2.0. By the time the next Batman movie hits, they'll be able to buy America with all the money they'll make. A toast to our future overlords! May they not bring about universal toll roads.

Hey! Remember the 80s?

I'll have to keep asking that for about 10 more years at least... As you may have read on Yahoo! News, Real Steel and Footloose duke it out for the #1 spot. Another great week for corporate-funded underdogs. But personally, I think they blew valuable casting opportunities on the Footloose remake! Why not Kevin Bacon as the new Pastor Moore? Why not Lori Singer as Vi? Why not have it be some kind of allegory? Why not have Ren M(a)cCormack all grown up and turned into a stodgy old man like Pastor Moore was? You can't be footloose forever! The next generation takes over! It's the natural order of things. Which doesn't bode well for me, as I'm getting on in years myself. Also debuting this week is a reboot of The Thing, and I can only assume it's a reboot of John Carpenter's '80s reboot of the original '50s horror flick. May the 80s be rebooted forever. Isn't Tim Burton doing a Frankenweenie remake?... he still is? Good Lord. But that's the bad half of the 80s, probably. I don't know how these decade things work. And last but not least amongst the debuts, it's the latest Steve Martin vehicle, The Big Year. Well, considering that it's bombing, let's call it David Frankel's The Big Year. He's had a good run lately: The Devil Wears Prada, Marley & Me ... good in terms of box office. Let's hope his next one gets him back on track. Hasn't the whole Fly Away Home thing run its course already?

A Fine Time for Earthquakes

You know, you might not know it from reading this damn blog, but I'm a college boy. And at the college we went to, there was sort of an implied emphasis on patriarchy. Especially America, of course. We're the paternalistic frat boy of the planet, and we've been sleeping on the world couch for about 30 years now. Something like that. In this week's Stooge short, Saved by the Belle... and good luck finding it on YouTube, because Tiffani Amber Thiessen's not in it... the three knuckleheads play old-fashioned American salesmen stranded in a fictional tropical paradise. I like to think that the heads of Columbia at the time were SO racist, they didn't want to risk giving a role for a Mexican to an actual Mexican, so what we have are slow-moving, yawning white guys playing native... Valeskans of the magical kingdom of Valeska. Don't worry, it won't be the last fictional country the stooges visit. What makes this fictional kingdom unique is the regular earthquakes that plague it. And what natural destructive phenomenon is more patriarchical than an earthquake. Excepting maybe the average meteor strike, nothing. Anyway, it's been a while since I sat down and watched the whole thing, but I dare say the earthquakes denote act breaks... I'll go with the theory anyway, what the hell. I'm feeling lucky.

EARTHQUAKE ONE
The introductory earthquake... and I thought they put more effort into it. The camera moves, the drums roll, and a couple things fall over. These Stooges shoestring budgets give me a headache. Once again, there's buried treasure and bad guys who buried it. They're all set to go, but the Stooges are in the way, stuck with a hotel bill they can't shake... I'm sorry, ammunition is safely stored in the hills. The one guy, Joe, kinda sounds like this other actor that's always in Stooge films... Eddie Laughton. A Brit! Go fig... Anyway, the boys make their escape and wind up with a bunch of pillows. Curly is the idea man again and he gets the idea to use pillows as earthquake shock absorbers. Here's how it works: there's an earthquake, you fall on your ass, and the pillow absorbs the shock. Curly goes so far as to demonstrate it himself! Ouch. But government bureaucrats... I mean, policemen, sabotage the working man again. Also, it doesn't help matters much that Moe grabs one of the policemen's gun and points it at a wise-ass parrot with intent to kill. The boys get whisked rudely away to see General ... Casino? Good comedy name. This was made before Castro, so it's not a play on his name... I think.

Scene: the General's office. Moe and Curly openly flirt with a sexy senorita dressed in noir business attire. It's a different kind of flirting, admittedly. The boys are accused of being spies. We'll see the General later on a couple times, more famously in An Ache in Every Stake and Micro-Phonies. The boys are free to go. Flirting saves the day! Then, the talking parrot provides a nice plot twist. The boys get searched before they go. The letter they got is a bit misread and, rather instantly, the boys are whisked off to a jail cell and are to be shot at sunrise... has this happened to them before? One thing that hasn't happened before is: this time, they get stuck getting pulled out the door. God bless you, Charley Chase! Curly ad-libs "This is all your fault. Have you got a shoehorn?"

EARTHQUAKE TWO
... hasn't happened yet, but it's coming. I saw this already, and am feverishly blogging to catch up. The boys are in one of the strangest jail cells I've ever seen. Larry's big line: "This is the hardest bread I ever saw." ...something like that. The sexy senorita, Rita, hands them food through the jail window bars, of course. The boys get the idea to give soup to the guard. Moe opens the door to another chamber where the guard is sitting. Very unusual. He offers the guard the soup. The guard says "No, I don't like soap." Moe says, "Not soap... Soup! Soup!" The guard finally gets it and accepts the soup. Moe calls the guard an ignoramus, and goes back into the jail cell proper to continue eating Rita's food. The food contains... you guessed it! Tools for escaping. More Charley Chase ingenuity: they saw on the iron bars while the guard is loudly slurping soup. The boys keep working. Cue the next earthquake. This one's a little more impressive, except that you can see where the wall's going to break. It's kinda like in the old Warner Brothers cartoons where you can tell the difference between the cartoon's background and an object in the foreground that's about to be used for something. The only example that comes to mind at the moment is a cat tail used by Daffy Duck in "Daffy Duck and Egghead." Anyway, the boys keep working on the bars despite this hole in the wall. Their new-fangled loyalty to Rita is so strong that, even though she's standing at the hole telling them to come on, they keep sawing at the bars. The things a guy will do to impress a dame.
They end up back in General Casino's office to steal a map. And then... ANOTHER EARTHQUAKE!! The map falls behind a couch. More plot devices. This is too good to spoil. Rita tells the boys to "Harry! Harry! Harry, boys!"

EARTHQUAKE THREE (or four)

The boys make their escape on a comedy horse, and find themselves in the middle of a bunch of tents. As it happens... the hotel owner they ran out on just happens to be the leader of the resistance! Fortunately, Rita saves their bacon yet again. Boy, she sure seems sweet on Curly for some reason! Maybe she's got a thing for fat guys. But I'm afraid their romance is doomed to fail, as she's freaked out by the strange Stooge customs of random acts of violence. And her valiant attempt to save the boys' lives are sneakily undermined at every turn. And who's this Elaine that Curly mentions? Must be this one on his IMDb page. Cue the Act Three earthquake, and the boys end up driving off in a big truck full of explosives. Curly's still got that parrot with him. The boys' slow wit fails them spectacularly here, but they ever so slowly realize they're driving a truck full of explosives. The first two exploding grenades doesn't quite set off the alarm bells, but the lit dynamite stick eventually does. Credit where credit's due: Curly lights a cigar, and Moe tells Curly not to throw the match into the street as it might start a fire. Smokey the Bear, eat your heart out. The boys drive past their horse with the comedy back, the dynamite eventually goes off, and the boys land on the horse's back. I hope they were stunt dummies. I tend to think at this point that the boys died and try to ride to Heaven on the back of a comedy horse, but they of course don't quite make it. Fortunately, the horse has one of Curly's earthquake shock absorber pillows on, in case you were wondering why the horse's ass looked a little strange. Kinda hard to tell on YouTube.

****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Great Scotts! No pity for the fool?

Sorry, guess I should've said SPOILER ALERT. Maybe I nodded off for a couple seconds, but I'm pretty sure the new B.A. Baracus did NOT say "I pity the fool." Probably out of reverence for the role that Mr. T made his own. But he's older now and doesn't fill out his frame quite like he did when he was young, and they didn't even bring Mr. Tureaud back in a time-travel-style subplot to warn the young Baracus about the dangers ahead... Tureaud; isn't that French! Traitor! Go back to the Eiffel Tower, this is America! And take your ketchup fortune with you! Oh, wait, wrong Administration...
But perhaps it's an apt comment after all, because this A-Team movie does take place against an Iraqi backdrop. It's an expensive looking $110 million movie version of this 80s TV show that managed to last five seasons. I didn't get to see the end credits to see if they used that old Cannell vanity logo with the man sitting at a typewriter furiously typing and ripping the page from it, making the page his bitch. But I did notice that it was a Scott Free production! Both Ridley and Tony were on duty, so for those expecting a straightforward Expendables-style mangasm will probably be disappointed. This film features Tony Scott stylistics, with a Ridley Scott script: better-than-average, or at least, featuring some length of bells and whistles. And of course, director Joe Carnahan gives himself a nice cameo where he gets to play a cool guy. The days of directors sitting in the back seats of cabs are long gone. Too much at stake. No, the closest you'll get these days is You Can Count On Me. But I digress.
The plot is sufficiently labyrinthine, but I think I got it the first go-round. Plots have to be that way these days, they just have to. Somehow, they tried to jam too many movie references together for my taste. Part Munich, part The Hurt Locker, I'm assuming part Body of Lies, part of the ending of Lethal Weapon 2, there's too many ingredients in the soup. You know, they say that the Coen brothers write parts for specific actors. That sort of dynamic seemed to be at work here in the plot with the presence of District 9 actor Sharlto Copley. Unfortunately, the result is not as prestigious. The fact that his American cowboy accent slipped so much didn't exactly help me, either. No disrespect, though. He was pretty great in District 9 and probably the best thing here. Although Brian Bloom was pretty good, too, as the Blackwater-style bad guy. Still, I can't help but wonder what Ray Liotta would've done with the role. More spoilers: Why they had to give such a juicy role to Gerald McRaney, I'll never know. I guess he was ready for it, but I fear that, unlike Hal Holbrook, there's not going to be an Oscar nomination any time soon.
As for Jessica Biel, well, she's a sweetie pie. She almost pulled off the role for me, but perhaps it wasn't worth pulling off anyway. Debra Messing seemed to play a similar thankless role in the McHale's Navy movie, but she's too old for this sort of thing now, isn't she? It's on to the mother roles now! Sorry, I guess that was a little mean, so I'll balance it out by trashing Liam Neeson. Actually, Liam was pretty good in this role. Well, he's doing this kind of role now. Taken, Unknown to a lesser extent... Still, you're pushing 60, dude! How can you kick as much ass as the rest of the A-Team? Kicking ass is a young man's game, my friend. He even says at one point that he's still as fast as he ever was. Somehow, I think that was his contribution to the script. He even gets to wear his hair brunette at one point. Boy, all those right-wingers who complain that Social Security's failing because people are living longer... maybe they've got a good point after all! Let's just move to a Logan's Run system, just for the sake of keeping people's dignity... Of course, Logan did try to fight the system, didn't he? I guess that doesn't matter... not to mention the fact that none of these guys ages a whole lot after 10 years. Why didn't they make it five? Kind of a wink to fans of the original show. Pretend that this starts off where the original series ended.
Why do I feel a need to spend an extra paragraph on the black dude? I just do. He did okay here! Let's hope he can keep doing movies, and may he never have to go against Emelianenko, for God's sake. But like most of these token black guy roles, he's the heart of the film. He does call people "fool" a lot, but he provides a rare action movie philosophical moment. When he's in prison, he doesn't convert to Islam, but he does find a kindred spirit in the teachings of Gandhi, and when he gets out, he tells the rest of the A-Team that he can't kill any more. And thus, a cloud hangs over the proceedings, so much so that Hannibal Smith finds ANOTHER Gandhi quote, a more pro-violence quote... I forget what it is, but I'm sure we'll all be repeating it soon enough. Then Einstein, Martin Luther King, David Hume, and all the other great philosophical 'icons' will fall, and we'll all just do whatever the hell we want, and not have to justify anything ever again using philosophical arguments. ESPECIALLY not Ayn Rand... Hmm! Maybe it won't be so bad after all!

***

-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - David and Rafe Newhouse

Nope! Still out of the biz.

It never gets old

Greetings, my ten followers! That can be taken a couple different ways, of course: the never gets old part. One could say that the formula of the underdog triumphing in the ring never gets old. One could also say that a robot never gets old... but they do tend to get a little rusty. In any event, the box office market has spoken: Karate Kid trumps Primary Colors today. Perhaps any day, but today particularly. And PG-13 trumps R today as well. Which makes me want to focus in a bit on Shawn Levy, director of Real Steel, because every once in a while a director like Jay Roach comes along with that magic touch, the ability to get #1 hits on a fairly consistent basis. 2003's Just Married was a #1 hit; for one week, anyway. 2006's Pink Panther remake was a #1 hit. Night at the Museum 1 and 2 were SO #1 hits... and on and on. When's this guy going to take a break to start his own studio? Not that successful yet, I guess. A film director's job is starting to look less and less glamorous to me as the years drag on. Especially for TV, even though they're working on that quality gap between movies and TV. It may already be equal for all I know; Joe Dante seems to think so.

Still with plenty of bricks 72 years on...

Finally! Another one I'm sorta familiar with. But time does march on, and when Dick Curtis tells the gang that their musical number was awful, I'm more inclined to agree with him these days.

ACT ONE

Scene: Maxey's Place in the New West. Curly's got a fancy bicycle, a precursor to those damn tiny scooters that seemed to be everywhere about ten years ago... damn, has it been that long? Anyway, Moe and Larry and three chicks are singing "Red River Valley." Ah, comedians. They always work with the prettiest chicks of average talent, don't they? Curly arrives late, and has an appropriate reaction to his boss. Curly gets kicked in the ass and proceeds to join the rest on stage. Curly drastically changes the dynamic when the sextet sings "She'll Be Coming Round the Mountain," and Moe gives Curly such a slap, it literally makes Curly's hat spin off of his head! That's worth the price of admission right there, folks. (Curly 2:44)
Meanwhile, back to work. Curly dispenses beers like nobody's business... and they'll be out of business if Larry keeps spilling 'em! And then... the plot pudding thickens before bubbling. The bad guy from the last film shows up here as Dick Curtis' henchman. He pays for a drink with a $20 gold piece by mistake. From there, the Stooges get the idea that they can pan for gold and make a lot of money.
Now, here's a part not for modern audiences. Curly dreams of the future, and says the following: "Oh boy! I can see it now: Me coming home from a hard day's work, I whistle for the dog, and my wife comes out..." To lessen the impact of that offence, Curly elaborates: "Me, with my own wife and children! Dozens of 'em!" (children, that is.) Moe holds up two fingers and asks, "How many is that?" Well, let's face it, folks: when you've made an institutional investment in comedy as the Stooges did, ad-libbing's just that much easier. By the time this scene ends, however, they've clearly come to the end of their ad-libbing, and Moe seems genuinely upset!

ACT TWO
We see the bad guys burying a bunch of money they just robbed from a bank. The arch bad guy... Maxey? But he's a dude! Anyway, "Maxey" bites into something way too hard and loses a gold filling. The other guy, a plot genius, says, "We ain't got time to look for it now..." Is there any doubt that this gold filling will get found later on? Seems like Larry David's been studying Stooge films for plot-development inspiration! No wonder he's got a part in the upcoming Three Stooges movie. Lucky for him he doesn't have to wait for the Farrellys to make a movie for future employment. Meanwhile, the Stooges are heading right for the spot where the illicit loot was recently buried. They do the ol' six legs routine, but don't quite pull it off this time. (It's Curly and a horse in the water, not the three of them...) For some reason, certain lines stick in the craw of memory forever. One of them is when Curly says that the eggs are "nice and fresh in the sun." Larry must've complained that he's more than just his haircut, so he's got an interfilm recurring gag involving the simple act of chopping wood for a fire. Every time Larry chops wood, one piece flies very, very high up into the air. This time it falls and hits him on the head. I don't think that part happens every time, but I could be wrong... and I probably am about that. Curly ends up falling over the burro, taking all the provisions with him. I'm pretty sure it was a stunt double, however, and I'm pretty sure that the stunt double tried yelling like Curly as he went over.

Act 2.5: Some pretty ambitious plotting ahead. Seems a shame to waste the cut of beef that they do. As it turns out, their burro is named Yorick, so here's how they set up the Hamlet reference. Larry bends his ax on a rock, picks up the rock and throws it over his shoulder. The rock hits Curly and thinks Moe threw it. Curly throws the very light rock at Moe's head. Moe doesn't have a rock handy, so he throws a lit stick of dynamite instead. Makes sense somehow. This lit stick of dynamite lands in front of Yorick the burro. Moe realizes the consequences of what he's done and gets whipped into a frenzy. Curly catches second-hand frenzy. The two of them search for a bucket of water, and they don't see that the dog has moved the dynamite to a safer location. They arrive to douse the dynamite, find it missing, and think the burro swallowed it. Eventually, there's an explosion, and the three knuckleheads are pelted with a fairly large amount of stuff. The cut of beef lands in front of them, and they of course think it's Yorick. Moe gets to utter the line, of course.

ACT THREE
The act break's a little uncertain here. This seems to be more like a two-act thing, or maybe I didn't take enough drama classes in college. I guess Act Three begins in earnest when Curly discovers gold... arguably, it's not as legendary as some, but more watchable, at least. JMHO. The gold fever hits the boys hard. Curly and Moe start digging the movie dirt so fast and furious, it freaks out their dog. In one bravura, uncut sequence, Larry brings a bunch of tools and drops them on Moe's feet. The scene continues. Moe gets hit in the ass with one of the picks, and Moe hits Curly on the head with his pick. They had to edit there to switch Moe's pick with a comedy pick. As any Stooge fan will tell you, Curly's head is made of tool-ravaging corundum. But does he not still feel pain? Moe uses an actual pick this time and drives it into the ground. When it gets pulled out, it's got a big wad of bills stuck to it! They eventually uncover all the buried loot and proceed to go back to town to start their new life. I know, I know, but it's part of the Stooge persona to never look a gift horse in the mouth. But it works against them later on when they go back to the very crooks who buried the dough in the first place. The shooting begins.
Curly really f... screws up this time. Moe sits Curly in a chair in front of the door so the bad guys won't get in. Moe says, "Put your weight on that." It doesn't work. Curly's got the bag of money. Maxey says, "GIMME THAT!" Curly throws it at him and makes his way out the window after Moe and Larry.
Anyway, I better cut it short now. There's a big car chase, and the bad guys end up driving into the sheriff's office. Moe tells the sheriff, Vernon Dent, that the bad guys stole the Stooges' dough. Vernon Dent looks at the dough and tells them that it was stolen from the First National Bank. Moe looks rightly disappointed and says "And all the time I thought we had a bonanza." Curly says, "Yes, we have no bonanza!" and starts n'yuk-n'yuk-ing. He turns and looks at Larry, and Larry makes like he's going to slap Curly. Now, I've heard a story that this is where the film was SUPPOSED to end. Fortunately, cooler or hotter heads prevailed. Moe finds himself a nice-looking brick and hits Curly over the head with it. Hopefully it was a prop brick, but it had a lot of prop dust on it! The scene goes on a little longer after that, apparently all ad-libbed, as only the Stooges could, of course. This one's probably not a 4-star Stooge short, but I've seen it so many times already that I can't help but be impartial.

****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Darin and Glen Morgan

Moving swiftly on to the next set of auteurs, it's time to look at Glen and Darin Morgan. Glen Morgan's the kind of guy who has an admirable Hollywood career. Not exemplary, like Spielberg, Scorsese, Zemeckis, Troy Duffy, what have you. Just admirable. He gets work and he does it. Maybe not quite the kind of guy who works on The Incredible Hulk, wears a gold chain and tells people "I gotta eat, don't I?" Just seemingly stuck in the Hollywood middle class of the DGA. He's formed a Coen brothers-style bond with James Wong, apparently, but they're probably not going to share the Oscar for best direction any time soon. Glen's worked on many TV shows, and cut his teeth on The X-Files for a while, as did a lot of other people. Now, Darin, on the other hand... when one saw "Written by Darin Morgan" in the credits of an X-Files episode, hold on to your hats! Carnival freaks, psychics, Charles Nelson Reilly... definitely a cut above in quality. Arguably, this new-found prestige clearly went to his head with the episode of Millennium called "Somehow, Satan Got Behind Me." But he appears to have paid a long-enough penance and is now back in the good graces of Steady Employment In Showbiz. Unfortunately, Darin's no longer appearing on the radar of Good TV writing, but really, with this whole damn internet craze, who can these days? It's all about personality now! The Situation! Tina Fey! Larry David! Lawrence O'Donnell! Rage... taking over... I better just go on to the next Stooge film.

Short Reviews - September 2011

Better get this over with now. Having it out of order will seem fresh and new! Right?


Fire Down Below - Best movie ever about irritable bowel syndrome... second best ever

The Ladykillers - Am I the only one who thinks John Boehner resembles Garth Pancake?

Thank You for Smoking - Did Garth Pancake just go right from the Ladykillers set to this one? I think he did

Airplane II: The Sequel - Welp, it's still maintained a certain sense of dignity ... by not being available for free on Hulu... or is that actually worse?

Men in Black III - How did I get from Airplane 2 to M3B? Two words: Rip Torn.

The Debt - Aw, can't a girl pretend to be young? Incidentally, good double bill with Hanna

The Gospel According to Vic - The cinema's never been quite the same since the word "According" has been banned from the marquee

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly - What does it say about our culture that the bad and the ugly get two separate categories? Well, I guess I should be thankful, actually... When they remake it, it'll be either "The Good and The Fugly" or "The Good and The Bugly."

The Hottie and The Nottie - Sounds about right, but what about the hottie and the naughty?

Eddie - No Homer?

Homer and Eddie - Whew! Thank the heavens...

The Driver - No character names, just the role they play

Two-Lane Blacktop - No character names, just the role they play

Drive - Ryan Gosling's the new Transporter!

Up the Creek - Deservedly obscure "sequel" to Animal House

Evolution - This movie doesn't exist

Freddy Got Fingered - Tom Green reportedly wanted to make the grossest, most obnoxious movie ever made. This cinematic goal wasn't hard to achieve, as Tom Green himself is arguably the grossest, most obnoxious thing in it.

Atlas Shrugged - Charlize Theron mingled with deceased actresses in Dior ad, but appearing in Atlas Shrugged, written by a deceased novelist, might've been much worse!

Real Steel - The Transformer Kid

"Up All Night" - Arnett's and Poehler's marriage is in trouble...

The Human Centipede Part Two - Ladies and gentlemen, behold the new Saw series!

Hook - Glenn Close is going to play a 19th Century cross-dressing waiter in an upcoming film. Will this win her an Oscar, some are asking? Well, her role in Hook certainly helped her prepare... for both, frankly.

City of Joy - Nobody puts Bethel in a corner.

Creature - It still made more money than Zzyzyx Road!

Anonymous - From the director who brought you Universal Soldier, The Patriot, Independence Day... now he's blowing up Shakespeare!

Lincoln - Now that Liam Neeson's not playing the iconic 16th president, I've got a great role idea for him, should he choose to come back out of retirement... Liam Neeson IS Fidel Castro!!!!

"Whitney" - Seems familiar... "Flying Blind" with Tea Leoni...

The Ides of March - Clooney's The Ghost Writer?

Another Bull$#!t Night in Suck City - That's how they'll have to put it on the marquee, anyway... Why can't they just call it something not as harsh, like Another Lame Night in Lametown?

"Revenge" - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1837642/fullcredits#cast
Careful, Madeleine... you're gonna get typecast!

Radioland Murders - Good double bill w/Hudsucker?

Cujo - Good, but still not as scary as the Beethoven movies

"Persons of Interest" - Is that Arye Gross and the Jesus guy, James Caviezel?... damn! One of two. The Arye Gross guy is... Michael Emerson... FINCH!!!!!!

Big Trouble - We will never forget... that the original release date of this movie was moved up because of September 11th.

"2 Broke Girls" - Must be another reality show, the opposite of The Simple Life

Real Steel 2 - They're going to make a sequel already? How's that? What if Real Steel 1 totally bombs?

John Dies at the End - Great title! ...is that Woody Harrelson as a zombie? Is that Paul Giamatti? The stars go slumming; must've been a fun shoot...

50/50 vision...

Please! A little respect. I mean, JoGoLev plays a CANCER victim, for God's sake! There's four debuts this week, and NONE of them cracked the top three! Just as long as The Help's gone... whew! Thank goodness. Now it's Dolphin Tale... get it? Actually, dolphins have a dorsal fin... Oh, it's an exciting time for animal-centered family friendly fare. Except for Mr. Popper's Penguins; that didn't make as much. Audiences couldn't get past Mr. Popper, apparently. Moneyball's hanging in there as well. The debuts are: 50/50, Courageous, Dream House, James Bond's tenth film THIS YEAR, and What's Your Number? I'm very behind the times, I'm sure, but it seems to me that twenty ex's is a lot for anybody. I hope that's at least two standard deviations above the mean.

Like a duck on Moe's back

Pushing the big deadline again! Just like a Stooge, for God's sake. In the instant case, A Ducking They Did Go, we find the Stooges down on their luck again, all too ready to be on the run from the cops, even though their dogs are barking. The perfect opportunity presents itself: a bunch of watermelons await stealing on the back of a truck. The boys make like it's all a big football game. Moe grabs a papier maché melon and passes it to Larry, who hikes it to Curly. Even the truck driver, whose melon is being stolen, gets caught up in the spirit of the football moment. Curly fails to catch the melon, but a cop's head manages to catch it! Ain't that always the way? The chase begins and, as usually happens, the boys run into an employment opportunity that will typically consume the rest of the pic. In this case, as salesmen for something called the "Canvas Back Duck Club." Like canvas off a duck's back... that's gotta be a pun of some sort; probably more of its day.

ACT ONE
The boys proceed to impress the two heads of the Canvas Back Duck Club. The big time waster comes early as Curly finally solves the mystery of the name "Canvas Back." Fortunately, Moe puts a quick stop to all that by saying his two magic words: "See that?" The two heads of the Canvas Back Duck Club put a stop to the Stooges' primitive behaviour and tell the Stooges to appeal to the primitive in office jockeys everywhere with a membership in the Canvas Back Duck Club. The Stooges get ten percent of fifty dollars! A lot of money back then. The two heads show their hand early... is this whole thing just a giant scam? During the Great Depression, no less? Well, even the Stooges should be suspicious of any business that would hire them as salesmen. Unless, of course, it gives them an opportunity to break a whole hell of a lot of bottles standing on a table... which one was that? The Bright-O one... Maybe it's this one. I dunno... that guy wasn't too happy about Curly giving him an egg hand! (3:23 here...)

ACT TWO
It seems to start here as the boys leave the office in full salesman regalia. As usual, Vernon Dent runs afoul of the Stooges. Later on, he don't want a coat. He could use a good wardrobe here! He decides it's best to just get on the elevator without using the opportunity to vow that if he ever sees them again... well, you'll get used to the routine eventually. The Stooges pad out the scene in the hallway for as long as they can and head outside to begin their typical sales approach, behaving like a swarm of angry wasps. They try selling to the watermelon-headed cop, and the chase begins anew. The cop shoots into the air, hits a lamp light, causing it to fall on his head. You don't usually see that move these days in real life. The boys go from the frying pan to the fire, and find temporary safety in the police station. Well, we're not talking about a butterfly giving its grub to a bunch of ants here, and the cops aren't wise to the Stooges yet. And even though Moe's got a hunting gun with him, alarms aren't raised. They stumble into the office of the Chief of Police, played by the ever-reliable Bud Jamison. Authority figure, thug, any and all bad accents, the guy does it all. The Stooges give the sales pitch of a lifetime, and the Chief buys it!
The Stooges sell all the memberships and head back to the head office. The Stooges have a hard time getting their commission; they probably should've helped themselves to it in advance, but frankly, that's not fitting behavior for a Stooge. They would apparently have similar royalty troubles with Columbia to no end.

ACT 2.5?
The Stooges find themselves at some fancy club, singing that song they always sing: "You'll never know just what tears are 'til you made me cry the way..." ...something like that. An old timer swings by and tells the club goers that 1) the club ain't been used in years and 2) there ain't been no ducks in years. Dramatic tension mounted! The Stooges will go and find ducks by hook or by crook. Why, the Police would expect no less! Moe and Larry get by as best they can, but their supply of fake ducks runs out. And then, Curly saves the day... well, Moe's and Larry's day, anyway. Guess this is Act Three after all. Curly's ducks head out to be slaughtered. The shooting begins in earnest; the earlier deception apparently forgiven. The Stooges get caught up in this new frenzy and end up destroying their boat in the process. And then... Curly runs afoul of a comedy duck. Don't worry, you'll see this routine many times later on. Later on, Moe will try killing a comedy duck with an oar.

EPILOGUE
Karma is re-aligned in the end. As it turns out, Curly's ducks were the earlier yokel's prize ducks. The Stooges run away with asses full of buckshot, which would be enough in a normal film. For a Stooge-caliber film, what better ending than to re-enact the ending of A Pain in the Pullman, where the boys land on three bulls and bronco their way towards the sunset? Frankly, all the Pixar/Lucas magic in the world couldn't improve the gag; just make it better looking.

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan