I liked it the first time... when it was in A.I. Was I the only one who saw that? I guess so. Sigh.
Well, Ted might not be #1 this weekend, but it'll be the #1 debut. It's not for the kids. Well, it is, but it isn't. Just remember, parents! They all talk like that on the playground. The cool ones, anyway. The ones you'll be calling boss in 25 years.
(Sunday morning)... dayamn!!! Looks like the relentless ad campaign works. Fuzzy Door Productions must be all smiles and champagne bottles popping as Ted opens at #1. Good for Marky Mark... in a way. Bad for his street cred, because he's not playing a Max Payne type... except for that ONE scene, right, guys? Street cred intact. Meanwhile, a feud is starting between Soderbergh and Richard Linklater, as Soderbergh's answer to Bernie comes out... okay, I'm sorry, that's a bit of a stretch. I guess it's just Soderbergh pining for his long lost six-pack abs or something; he doesn't have time to stop and smell the receipts.
Meanwhile, in Madea Land, Madea's got such stature in the culture that she/he's practically a branch of government, so it makes perfect sense that Madea's getting into the witness protection racket, but... Eugene Levy? Seriously? What price stardom. What price marquee idoldom. The Man 2, unfortunately, only opens at #4; on the other hand, it made $26 million dollars. That's still $26 million more than I made this year! God bless Madea!
And finally, director and friend of J. J. Abrams Alex Kurtzman goes for Oscar gold with People Like Us, thereby refuting all his life's work up until now. It's all well and good, but with all due respect, Olivia Wilde and Chris Pine aren't exactly Meryl Streep and Robert De Niro, respectively.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
Short Reviews - June 2012
In looking for a theme this month, I finally hit upon it with the release of the latest Wes Anderson pic.
Bottle Rocket - Luke Wilson, James Caan, Owen Wilson, Lumi Cavazos in.
Rushmore - Luke Wilson, James Caan, Owen Wilson, Lumi Cavazos out, Bill Murray, Jason Schwartzman and Olivia Williams in.
The Royal Tenenbaums - Jason Schwartzman, Olivia Williams out. Gene Hackman, Anjelica Huston, Danny Glover, Gwyneth Paltrow, Ben Stiller in. Bill Murray stays.
The Life Aquatic with Jacques Cousteau... Steve Zissou - Bill Murray, Owen Wilson, Anjelica Huston stays. Cate Blanchett, Jeff Goldblum and Willem Dafoe in, Danny Glover out... Jason Schwartzman cameo?
The Darjeeling Limited - Bill Murray and Anjelica Huston stay. Cate Blanchett out, Adrien Brody in.
Fantastic Mr. Fox - Clooney and Streep stop by. Bill Murray stays. Anjelica Huston out.
Moonrise Kingdom - Edward Norton, Tilda Swinton, Frances McDormand and Bruce Willis in. Bill Murray stays. Clooney and Streep out.
For Greater Glory - I'm happy for Andy Garcia and all, but this film smacks a little of The Work and The Glory... not good, incidentally.
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World - I liked it the first time when it was called Last Night (1998)... wait, I take that back. I didn't see that one either.
Last Night (2010) - Keira Knightley's doing too many movies.
Until the End of the World - Now we're talking!
The Savages - Does PSH ever disappoint?
Savages - Oliver Stone's "Homegrown"... guess he's taking another career U-turn, so to speak!
Ted - Good double bill with Paul
Hit and Run - If this bombs, I fear Kristen and Dax are gonna split up
Madea's Witness Protection - Oh, Eugene Levy...
Iron Sky - My Gart in Himel! Gingrich was RIGHT!!!
Katy Perry: Part of Me - A 3D documentary, maybe? Let me get back to...
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World - Ah... that's better.
"Anger Management" with Charlie Sheen - ...wait a second! This isn't like the Adam Sandler movie at all!... Maybe that's an improvement, actually...
Statistics 102
Well, they can't all be memorable, can they? When you have a limited budget, the trick is to make the subject matter interesting, or have interesting characters. Something. Anything. With 1958's The Fearmakers, it's got a secret weapon: a young actor by the name of Mel Torme.... I'm sorry, that's Tormé. You know, the guy who eventually appeared on Night Court! This film was his training ground. This film is so low buget, they couldn't afford the accént aigu over the "e". The IMDb's no help, either! His character is Barney BARNES... isn't it? He plays a decidedly unromantic nerd type here, almost too well. I better listen to some of his music now to get the image out of my head!
On to the plot. War hero and think tank maven Alan Eaton is suffering from PTSD after serving in... Korea, I guess. He's one of the lucky ones, as he just gets the occasional day-stopping migraine, usually at a crucial plot point. Eaton comes home to find that his think tank has been bought out by an alpha-male wanna be named McCarthy... I mean, McGinnis. Personally, he just wants to be associated with the prestige of the Eaton name. He doesn't know about all that crap about statistics or unbiased, unloaded survey questions... but he does know about that master card file, which he keeps in a locked cabinet in his office. How to get that key? How?
I'm probably not doing the film justice, but in retrospect it does seem kinda lame. Sure, there's probably a political lesson here somewhere, probably something about power corrupting absolutely, or a warning about alpha males who find a weakness in the system and exploit it for personal gain. Maybe there's some grain of universality here that calls for a remake / reboot. Maybe Adam Sandler will remake this movie someday. He'll play Eaton, and Russell Brand can play McGinnis, now changed to "O'Doyle." O'Doyle uses Eaton's cash reserves to buy hookers and booze and tells Eaton to "eat it." See? It writes itself! Unfortunately, Mel Tormé can't do a cameo as a rude old man in an adult diaper, but I'm sure Sandler can get someone else just as good. Alan Arkin, perhaps! Why not? He got to Susan Sarandon before Tyler Perry did! Seriously, though, I do sorta wish now that I had seen this film before embarking on my latest academic adventure. This is a pretty good introduction to the world of survey questions, and how to properly word them, if nothing else.
***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
On to the plot. War hero and think tank maven Alan Eaton is suffering from PTSD after serving in... Korea, I guess. He's one of the lucky ones, as he just gets the occasional day-stopping migraine, usually at a crucial plot point. Eaton comes home to find that his think tank has been bought out by an alpha-male wanna be named McCarthy... I mean, McGinnis. Personally, he just wants to be associated with the prestige of the Eaton name. He doesn't know about all that crap about statistics or unbiased, unloaded survey questions... but he does know about that master card file, which he keeps in a locked cabinet in his office. How to get that key? How?
I'm probably not doing the film justice, but in retrospect it does seem kinda lame. Sure, there's probably a political lesson here somewhere, probably something about power corrupting absolutely, or a warning about alpha males who find a weakness in the system and exploit it for personal gain. Maybe there's some grain of universality here that calls for a remake / reboot. Maybe Adam Sandler will remake this movie someday. He'll play Eaton, and Russell Brand can play McGinnis, now changed to "O'Doyle." O'Doyle uses Eaton's cash reserves to buy hookers and booze and tells Eaton to "eat it." See? It writes itself! Unfortunately, Mel Tormé can't do a cameo as a rude old man in an adult diaper, but I'm sure Sandler can get someone else just as good. Alan Arkin, perhaps! Why not? He got to Susan Sarandon before Tyler Perry did! Seriously, though, I do sorta wish now that I had seen this film before embarking on my latest academic adventure. This is a pretty good introduction to the world of survey questions, and how to properly word them, if nothing else.
***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
Monday, June 25, 2012
The Two Bogeys
Okay, to be fair, there's probably more than two, but no doubt about it, Humphrey Bogart was an actor's actor. I mean, look at that! #7 in the IMDb! Fred Astaire's #1... okay, maybe it's just alphabetical, the way they've set up their database. Is it ODBC? SQL? Sorry about the nerd-speak, but as you can tell, it's unemployed nerd nerd-speak. But if you had to break up Bogey into two broad categories... and believe me, in the internet age, everything has to be broken into two broad categories... there's the Casablanca Bogey (hero) and there's the Treasure of the Sierra Madre Bogey (bad guy). In 1945's Conflict, it's the latter.
So here's the setup. Bogey seems to have it all: a big house, a great career, and lots of friends. Probably rich, too. We see him getting ready to go to a fancy schmancy party. But then, we peel back a few of the layers, and we see that he's unhappy. His wife's unhappy, too, but she seems to be part of the problem, to put it mildly. Bogey lays all his cards on the table: he's attracted to his wife's younger sister, even though she's sporting quite a lot of baby fat, especially in her facial region. Well, youth trumps that, sometimes. Bogey's wife lays her cards on the table: she's not getting a divorce, and she's not going anywhere. Off to Sydney Greenstreet's party they go.
That's the first problem with the movie right there. Sydney Greenstreet's the good guy. Bogey can do both good and bad guys, but Greenstreet's got to be the bad guy who wants that falcon for himself or the last ticket out of Casablanca for himself. Just got to. But even though the movie's kind of weak, I'd just hate to spoil the plot for you. Why should I suffer alone? Needless to say, Bogey gets his wish, and gets to make a pass at the younger sister. Unfortunately for Bogey, he finds that that bowl of milk's curdled... okay, bad metaphor. To put it bluntly, it's not right to make a pass at your wife's younger sister. Didn't he see that Seinfeld episode? Or that Simpsons episode? Okay, Mr. Burns can get away with it... but that's it! It's WRONG to make a pass at your wife's younger sister, particularly while the wife is missing. Bogey's character was smart about the wrong things. Besides, it'd be worse if the younger sister was into it... right? He didn't see that Seinfeld episode either! Two or three of them, if I remember correctly...
So, to summarize, the movie's kinda lame, and not just because it doesn't exactly live up to its title. Perhaps The Creepy Older Gentleman would've been more apt, but that would give away crucial plot points. Or maybe Careful What You Wish For. But because it's a '40s era noir pic, and because Greenstreet is a man of science... in this case, brain science... he delivers some crucial scientific principles about his discipline. I forget what they are at the moment, but they have something to do with a man who thinks he's planned the perfect crime. Also, there are shades of Joe vs. The Volcano as Bogey keeps seeing the same ominous teepee shape everywhere after he's committed his little crime. Spoiler alert: Greenstreet's there at the end of the movie when Bogey returns to the scene of the crime just to make sure the body's still there, and Greenstreet's there when they're walking Bogey away in handcuffs. Some might say that this is the end of a beautiful friendship; I say it's the beginning of a beautiful prison correspondence!
***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
So here's the setup. Bogey seems to have it all: a big house, a great career, and lots of friends. Probably rich, too. We see him getting ready to go to a fancy schmancy party. But then, we peel back a few of the layers, and we see that he's unhappy. His wife's unhappy, too, but she seems to be part of the problem, to put it mildly. Bogey lays all his cards on the table: he's attracted to his wife's younger sister, even though she's sporting quite a lot of baby fat, especially in her facial region. Well, youth trumps that, sometimes. Bogey's wife lays her cards on the table: she's not getting a divorce, and she's not going anywhere. Off to Sydney Greenstreet's party they go.
That's the first problem with the movie right there. Sydney Greenstreet's the good guy. Bogey can do both good and bad guys, but Greenstreet's got to be the bad guy who wants that falcon for himself or the last ticket out of Casablanca for himself. Just got to. But even though the movie's kind of weak, I'd just hate to spoil the plot for you. Why should I suffer alone? Needless to say, Bogey gets his wish, and gets to make a pass at the younger sister. Unfortunately for Bogey, he finds that that bowl of milk's curdled... okay, bad metaphor. To put it bluntly, it's not right to make a pass at your wife's younger sister. Didn't he see that Seinfeld episode? Or that Simpsons episode? Okay, Mr. Burns can get away with it... but that's it! It's WRONG to make a pass at your wife's younger sister, particularly while the wife is missing. Bogey's character was smart about the wrong things. Besides, it'd be worse if the younger sister was into it... right? He didn't see that Seinfeld episode either! Two or three of them, if I remember correctly...
So, to summarize, the movie's kinda lame, and not just because it doesn't exactly live up to its title. Perhaps The Creepy Older Gentleman would've been more apt, but that would give away crucial plot points. Or maybe Careful What You Wish For. But because it's a '40s era noir pic, and because Greenstreet is a man of science... in this case, brain science... he delivers some crucial scientific principles about his discipline. I forget what they are at the moment, but they have something to do with a man who thinks he's planned the perfect crime. Also, there are shades of Joe vs. The Volcano as Bogey keeps seeing the same ominous teepee shape everywhere after he's committed his little crime. Spoiler alert: Greenstreet's there at the end of the movie when Bogey returns to the scene of the crime just to make sure the body's still there, and Greenstreet's there when they're walking Bogey away in handcuffs. Some might say that this is the end of a beautiful friendship; I say it's the beginning of a beautiful prison correspondence!
***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
Sunday, June 24, 2012
A Canticle for Noomi Rapace
Well, I got to see Prometheus! Pretty cool. I don't usually get a day out to the movie theatre these days... and at the exorbitant entrance fee, I probably should've kept the 3D glasses. Good Lourdes! Well, out of respect to the movie, I'll try to avoid any touchy plot secrets the filmmakers wanted to try and keep. There's one secret they can't keep, however: it's a darn fine film. And, it seems to be doing rather well at the box office for an R-rated sci-fi! Don't fear the R rating, all you uptight moral types. It just means people get to act like people on that ol' silver screen.
Now, I've heard that Ridley Scott didn't set out to make an Alien 1 prequel. Shyeah, right. I believe you! Actually, he was referring just to the film's title sequence. Arguably, he's right, as the title sequence in Alien takes place in space. During the title sequence for Prometheus, we see a DNA strand coming apart, and cells multiplying. Ick! Personally, I think that, with all the expensive special effects involved in films these days, who's got time to care what the critics think?
That being said, I couldn't help but remember some complaints about the philosophical discussions in the film that I read before going in. When I saw Walter Hill's name in the credits, God bless him, I couldn't help but think that they're right. I mean, after The Warriors and his other action-oriented pictures, who's got time for deep philosophy? Spoiler alert: an epic battle between religion and Darwin rages in the movie. Just before the expedition heads off to space, Darwin is declared dead because of the possibility of meeting an alien species. To be fair, Darwin didn't get the chance to dissect any alien corpses. In his time, of course, the giant turtles of the Galapagos Islands must've seemed pretty weird. And I guess Darwin's still too controversial a figure to star in a movie these days called Charles Darwin: Zombie Killer. Besides, does that mean Darwin's a zombie himself? Or just a killer of the already zombi-fied? So many questions.
I also had some problems with the science of the movie itself. Okay, not that many. Spoiler alert: there seems to be two separate alien races that the movie deals with. Isn't that enough for you people? So spoiled. The scientists in the movie run DNA tests... let me just put it this way. I had a little problem with the results of these DNA tests. I mean, O.J. clearly... sorry, wrong test. Let me further put it this way: at least the 2001 movie Evolution had an answer ready when it came to the DNA question, in addition to having David Duchovny showing his ass. Somehow, the Prometheus DNA didn't satisfy me.
At this point, I should probably get to the alien "abortion" scene. Sorry, Spoiler Alert. I'm with the Right Wing on this one! How dare they. There's a scene where one of the characters gets infected. Actually, two characters get infected with an alien. This species of alien kills human men, but has more devious plans in mind for human women. The alien invades Dr. Shaw's fetus and develops much faster than nine months, if you get my drift. Dr. Shaw tricks the auto-doc into performing an emergency Caesarian. Health of the mother, my ass. Right, McCain? I forced myself to look at the scar that the machine makes. After looking at Ray Liotta's exposed brain in Ridley Scott's Hannibal, I figured that this couldn't be too much worse. And as much as I hate to say it, CGI effects have a bit of a ways to go to make a convincing Caesarian scar. Either that, or they should've sprung for the extra couple of million to make it look just a tad more convincing, but that's just me. I'm picky about my grody special effects at times. Anyway, while the mainstream Crazy Right Wing chooses to stay silent about this, I'm going to take a stand and say that there's no excuse for aborting your alien fetus. If it's God's will that an alien invades a human mother's fetus, then so be it, even if it means the mother gets eaten alive by a giant alien squid. Sorry... Spoiler Alert. If it means I'll have to debate someone from the Galactic branch of Planned Parenthood, so be it as well.
What else? Well, I hate to spoil any more of the film than I have to, but I just want to commend the croissant-shaped spaceship design. It's great for crash landings! You don't know how many more times it can fall down and smash you! You'd think twice would be enough. I just realized I didn't talk about the actors a whole lot. I should mention Charlize Theron, but hasn't she done enough movies this year already? I don't want to beat up on this too much. I mean, give Ridley some credit. The dude's almost 75, for God's sake! According to the IMDb. Let's see if anyone posts saying "HE'S NOT 75!!!" Overall, a fine outing all around. Even though it's probably three and a half stars, I'll give it four anyway. As long as Ridley doesn't try to say that Untitled Blade Runner Project isn't related to Blade Runner...
****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
Now, I've heard that Ridley Scott didn't set out to make an Alien 1 prequel. Shyeah, right. I believe you! Actually, he was referring just to the film's title sequence. Arguably, he's right, as the title sequence in Alien takes place in space. During the title sequence for Prometheus, we see a DNA strand coming apart, and cells multiplying. Ick! Personally, I think that, with all the expensive special effects involved in films these days, who's got time to care what the critics think?
That being said, I couldn't help but remember some complaints about the philosophical discussions in the film that I read before going in. When I saw Walter Hill's name in the credits, God bless him, I couldn't help but think that they're right. I mean, after The Warriors and his other action-oriented pictures, who's got time for deep philosophy? Spoiler alert: an epic battle between religion and Darwin rages in the movie. Just before the expedition heads off to space, Darwin is declared dead because of the possibility of meeting an alien species. To be fair, Darwin didn't get the chance to dissect any alien corpses. In his time, of course, the giant turtles of the Galapagos Islands must've seemed pretty weird. And I guess Darwin's still too controversial a figure to star in a movie these days called Charles Darwin: Zombie Killer. Besides, does that mean Darwin's a zombie himself? Or just a killer of the already zombi-fied? So many questions.
I also had some problems with the science of the movie itself. Okay, not that many. Spoiler alert: there seems to be two separate alien races that the movie deals with. Isn't that enough for you people? So spoiled. The scientists in the movie run DNA tests... let me just put it this way. I had a little problem with the results of these DNA tests. I mean, O.J. clearly... sorry, wrong test. Let me further put it this way: at least the 2001 movie Evolution had an answer ready when it came to the DNA question, in addition to having David Duchovny showing his ass. Somehow, the Prometheus DNA didn't satisfy me.
At this point, I should probably get to the alien "abortion" scene. Sorry, Spoiler Alert. I'm with the Right Wing on this one! How dare they. There's a scene where one of the characters gets infected. Actually, two characters get infected with an alien. This species of alien kills human men, but has more devious plans in mind for human women. The alien invades Dr. Shaw's fetus and develops much faster than nine months, if you get my drift. Dr. Shaw tricks the auto-doc into performing an emergency Caesarian. Health of the mother, my ass. Right, McCain? I forced myself to look at the scar that the machine makes. After looking at Ray Liotta's exposed brain in Ridley Scott's Hannibal, I figured that this couldn't be too much worse. And as much as I hate to say it, CGI effects have a bit of a ways to go to make a convincing Caesarian scar. Either that, or they should've sprung for the extra couple of million to make it look just a tad more convincing, but that's just me. I'm picky about my grody special effects at times. Anyway, while the mainstream Crazy Right Wing chooses to stay silent about this, I'm going to take a stand and say that there's no excuse for aborting your alien fetus. If it's God's will that an alien invades a human mother's fetus, then so be it, even if it means the mother gets eaten alive by a giant alien squid. Sorry... Spoiler Alert. If it means I'll have to debate someone from the Galactic branch of Planned Parenthood, so be it as well.
What else? Well, I hate to spoil any more of the film than I have to, but I just want to commend the croissant-shaped spaceship design. It's great for crash landings! You don't know how many more times it can fall down and smash you! You'd think twice would be enough. I just realized I didn't talk about the actors a whole lot. I should mention Charlize Theron, but hasn't she done enough movies this year already? I don't want to beat up on this too much. I mean, give Ridley some credit. The dude's almost 75, for God's sake! According to the IMDb. Let's see if anyone posts saying "HE'S NOT 75!!!" Overall, a fine outing all around. Even though it's probably three and a half stars, I'll give it four anyway. As long as Ridley doesn't try to say that Untitled Blade Runner Project isn't related to Blade Runner...
****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
February 4, 1944 (Ten Films Remain)
ACT ONE
Fuller Bull, the Managing Editor of the Daily News (played by Vernon Dent) is having a bad day. He sends for his reporters, and in hobbles a bunch of guys in casts and crutches! What gives? Well, there's this big fancy wedding, see... think weekend party at Bill Gates' house; the good one. Yup! Surrounded by ex-Secret Service and former Pinkertons, no newspaper man's going to get near that place. Unfortunately, the Daily News' chief competitor, the Daily Star Press, has the headline in big lettering: "Mother and Two Sons Charged in Fatal Shooting"... sorry, wrong one. It's "Prince Shaam of Ubeedarn Engaged to Margaret Dumont... I mean, Widowed Socialite." Well, I'll be damned! See, they use the name Ubeedarn so as not to offend anyone... or at least, limit the offensiveness to, I don't know... the ENTIRE MIDDLE EAST!! Why not... Vernon Dent says twice "They got the story!" Some might even venture a guess that it's the same clip of audio! I'll leave that to the real experts. Anyway, Vernon's having such a bad day that he fires all four of his crippled reporters and hires three Stooges! He thinks they're working for the Star Press, but it's one of those visual things like the Mad Magazine foldout, or like is in that video for Yolanda Be Cool, specifically at 1:34 and all that follows from it... sorry, SPOILER ALERT. Moe gets in a delightful pun at Larry's expense, while Curly does his best Jimmy Durante all over a new cigar. Spoiler alert: the cigar ends up getting mashed into Moe's face. Can you believe that? Curly takes out a new cigar, removes its band and puts it to his ear and pretends he's listening to a radio. Moe hits Curly in his bald head and Curly's temporarily stunned as we hear the sound of birds. Gotta keep up with the Tex Averys of the world. Curly tangoes Moe off the screen, Stage Left.
Next scene: Fuller Bull's office, where the Stooges enter and the pretty secretary leaves. Curly begins to follow the secretary until Moe whistles for him to return. Curly does so, using his pivot foot to turn around. The pleasantries begin. Vernon asks the boys "How would you boys like to do a little work for me?" Seeing as how he just fired four used reporters, you'd think the Stooges might be a little skeptical. The ambiguity continues as Moe says "We do the best work in town!" Larry adds "And it's guaranteed!" Curly goes into his sales pitch while Moe just gets angrier and angrier... Larry the Enabler doesn't mind Curly's shenanigans! And then, that horrible moment occurs when the Stooges realize they're in over their collective heads with one good brain in it. Curly tries to get in one last punchline but gets slugged in his waistline by Moe at about 3:17. This one he's not too happy about. Moe has to step on his foot as well just before he tells Vernon the truth. Vernon sweetens the deal: "Get me a picture of Prince Shaam and I'll give you each a $100 bonus." At this point, Larry has to explain to Curly the difference between "bonus" and "bogus." Curly goes into a reel-stretching dance, which immediately gets cut short when Curly sees Moe's face.
The handshake contract is signed, and Vernon even throws in a free camera. Curly starts to leave the wrong way, turns around and destroys Cigar #2 with Moe's face. Moe gets very pissed off at about 4:07. The boys go into the hallway, and NOW... now it's time for Curly to do the dignified walk back after going the wrong way down the hall!
ACT TWO
It's a little early for the act break, but the next scene is the Van Bustle residence, where Bud Jamison is trying to get... wait for it... a cook and two butlers. Stooge fans take note: this may be the only time when there's two occupations split up among three job openings in a Stooge film. Moe takes charge of Bud's phone call, and all seems to be going well... Bud has to suffer through two awful puns, to which he replies "Such levity. You remind me of the Three Stooges." Eugene Ionesco couldn't have written that better; of course, it'd have to be in reference to himself. BTW, ignore the parrot in the background. IGNORE IT!!!! Also, try not to spend too much time on the fact that the Stooges got past all the armed guards. A YouTube poster asked this very question. I suppose the correct response is: are you a Stooge fan or not? What do they do in every film? Sneaking into one building or out of another. That's one thing they're good at: sabo-fuge! Subter-tage! You get the idea... Curly gets poked in the eyes, making a xylophone sound at 5:29. And finally, for once we get to see Larry screw up the menu! He gets a can of peas from the cupboard, and a box of dog biscuits... You see, there was this... ah skip it. I gotta go anyway.
Back. You know, we never do figure out what Moe's got in that little paper bag!
Next scene: the killing floor that is the swanky party. Things seem to be normal enough... until Curly and Larry emerge with the inedibles. Curly runs afoul of a pretty blonde and hits his head at about 6:19, making a sound I've never heard before or since. She's taken, of course, and Curly hightails it out of there when the blond's man steps up to protect his turf. Curly heads over to the two main guests... it's PRINCE SHAAM!! Curly shoots a look at the camera to remind people of the importance of this plot point. And by the Prince's side is Ms. Van Bustle, played by Symona Boniface, the slightly Sephardic Margaret Dumont of the Stooges. We get a nice close-up of the canopies... I mean, the hors d'oeuvres. Even though they're made of peas and bog biscuits, they look nice! They got olives and everything. Does Van Bustle appreciate this? Of course not! Curly strikes back, barking them out of the frame. Then, like Homer Simpson, Curly forgets what he was doing and gets hungry, so why not partake of some of the food he's holding on his tray? While he's unable to make the connection that someday he might want to be responsible for some edible food for a change, he does manage to throw away his whole tray of Stooge canapés... I'm going to assume that's the correct spelling... God bless you, Wikipedia! May you never have to go dark again. Like all good Stooges, they never look where they throw something, and the canapés land on the Justice of the Peace from Oily to Bed, Oily to Rise... among others. Curly is as shocked as anybody, and retreats to safety next to Larry. At this point, Curly uses his regular noir voice (7:21), ordering Larry to try and get a picture of the prince. As if Curly didn't make a spectacle of himself enough, he starts "peddling" the lemonade as though he's a newspaper boy on a streetcorner. "HERE Y'ARE FOLKS, GITCHA ICE COLD LEMONADE!" Screenwriters take note: concurrence. As Curly belts out his sales pitch to the balcony, he picks up a glass with a small hole in it, through which trickles down a steady stream of lemonade. The glass is aimed right at a woman's back, and she screams in horror. Curly eventually figures out that the glass has sprung a leak. It takes him a couple tries, but decides to turn the lemons of a broken glass of lemonade into... ah, skip it. He drinks the glass of lemonade, while a dude to his left looks on; first in horror, then in heterosexual gaiety. I think it was the guy taking a "bath" shower in A Plumbing We Will Go! IMDb... Activate. Looks like I gotta modify the database myself. Later. Curly drinks the rest of the glass of lemonade the regular way... I was a bit confused by this at first, mostly because there weren't the usual drinking noises. Those come later. Emboldened by his triumph, Curly doubles down on the loud sales pitch. The onlooker's amusement turns to horror as Curly grabs ice cubes with HIS BARE HANDS and drops them in the other glasses of lemonade. I guess the Stooges weren't involved in making that, as it turned out the way it should. Bud Jamison steps in and tells Curly "Go get the ice tongs!!!" at 8:23. Is that weird of me to like that line reading? I thought so. Curly continues to make a spectacle of himself, and he moonwalks out of the room. Thank God they filmed it at 12 fps; otherwise this picture's going to go over budget!
Meanwhile, Chef Moe is on the phone with Fuller Bull. He tries to watch the boys through the kitchen's swinging door. Curly goes through the door just as Moe's got his nose in the space between the door and the wall, and snap goes the cartilage! Moe's nose is trapped and Curly starts laughing, or n'yuk-n'yuking. Moe eventually gets his nose out and tries nursing it back to normal. Curly gets the only pair of ice tongs he can find... the kind for industrial-strength blocks of ice, and ends up hitting Moe with them on the way out. Moe uses them on Curly's head at about 0:43-0:46. Curly half-sounds like a gobbling turkey as a result. Eventually, Curly gets back to the task of filling the lemonade glasses with ice cubes. Mrs. Van Bustle ... I don't get it. I thought she was widowed; doesn't that make her Ms.? Anyway, Van Bustle looks in horror as Curly's using the embarrasingly giant ice tongs for his labours. "I think it's silly, too, but orders is orders!" Government regulations. Is there anything they can't slow down? Curly hangs up his ice tongs and continues "Lemonade? Ten cents apiece or three for a quarter." Van Bustle says "WHAAAT?" Curly quickly responds to market demand: "I'm sorry. Have all you want. It don't cost anything." Vintage society Curly. Curly forgets Bud Jamison's orders from before and helps himself to a second glass of lemonade. He drinks it all in one take, and FINALLY! We get the drinking sounds. And even better than that, Curly hits his stomach, and we get an awful splashing sound. Curly waits for the entire sound to subside, and Prince Shaam and Van Bustle react in as dignified a manner as they can muster, and simply walk away.
Back to Moe. Boy! Larry really doesn't get the screen time this time! Back to the kitchen, where the epic struggle between man and turkey is about to get ugly. The turkey's got most of its neck left, and gets Moe good with about three spits of salmonella-laced water. Moe subdues the unruly turkey for now.
Next scene: Larry! Finally! Here he's sneaking up on Van Bustle and Prince Shaam with the camera. I like the part at 2:08 where Prince Shaam speaks because he sounds just like Bluto. I guess I should point out that Larry overhears that the Prince and Van Bustle are going to elope the following week. Then, the slapstick interferes. The piano lid falls down on Larry. Van Bustle says "I'm sorry, Prince. These stupid people!!" Ouch. Larry gets the last laugh, though, as he inadvertently rips Van Bustle's dress. Actually, she gets the last laugh, because she picks up her dress, and knocks over Larry because he's still standing on it. Bud Jamison orders Larry and Curly back into the kitchen. Curly gives Bud the ... you know, the back-and-forth hand thing. Some Stooge fan I am! I don't know what that's called! That happens from 2:54 to 2:58. Technically, not a time stretcher in the usual sense. Curly and Larry take off running. Never a good sign for those in a running Stooge's path. In this case, Moe, who's holding a big stack of dishes and... yup, much like Stan in Our Wife Moe gets knocked over. The genius of Our Wife, of course, is that some mysterious force closes the door too fast on Stan.
Moe would normally be much more upset about the dishes he dropped. Not so this time for two reasons. First of all, they're not even his dishes. Second, Larry saves the day and calms things down with the tasty bit of gossip he overheard... oh, right, he heard it firsthand, so technically it's not gossip. Larry also adds "But I didn't get a picture!" Curly mans up and grabs that camera and heads right back out there to get a picture... he hopes. Sending the chief bomb thrower for a stealth mission's always a good idea. Meanwhile, the struggle between man and cooked turkey's about to heat up, so to speak. Moe runs over to rescue the turkey from the oven. Larry also runs over, waiting for his chance to take Moe's place, but is stopped short by... screenwriters, take note. Sure, you admire your Sorkins, your Chayefskys, your Eszterhasses, what have you... but THIS is writing. Larry notices gum on his shoe! He bends over to ... to scrape the gum off, I guess. Anyway, Moe grabs the turkey from the oven and places it on the absolute closest thing to him: Larry's back. Larry turns and gets the turkey onto the table where it belongs. The pain of Larry's burnt skin takes a back seat to Larry's hunger when he spots the turkey. He reaches for the turkey with his bare hands, but Moe thankfully intervenes. Even low society types have some manners. Moe gives Larry a mighty slap, sending Larry to the kitchen wall, where he pushes over the parrot cage. And unlike a canary in the coal mine, this bird's going to spread its comedy wings!
ACT THREE
Cross-fade from the parrot climbing into the cooked turkey to the big fancy dinner scene. So far so good, until... Moe trips, and sticks a whole plate of mashed potatoes onto a guy's face! Lol. Fortunately for us, it's the same guy who just finished wiping the peas and dog biscuits off his face. Moe's line at 4:08 seems to be dubbed in! Good for them. Meanwhile, Curly sets the turkey down on the table. We can hear Symona Boniface say "Humiliating." Curly says "Hey! I just gave you the boid!" Beautiful double entendre. With that, Curly sets about trying to carve the bird. First, the sharpness of the knife must be tested. Sadly, Curly doesn't have a hair long enough to do so, so what does he do? What anyone else would in the same situation, of course, and pluck one from Van Bustle's head, of course! Well, it's her fault for having her head turned away from Curly in the first place. This happens at about 4:33, and Symona once again proves herself to be the Stooges' equal. She's not really a high society type at all, is she?
And so... the epic struggle between man and turkey on the table continues, as only it could in a Stooge film. Curly goes in to stab the turkey TWICE! Both times it slides off the plate, and both times Van Bustle lightly screams in shock. Moe intervenes and orders Curly to carve that damn... darn turkey. Curly gives it a good stab, and the parrot inside shrieks. Most of the people at the table are paying attention. Then, the turkey stands up and starts walking across the table. Now, EVERYONE at the table's paying attention. We get individual reaction shots from Van Bustle, then the Prince, then Curly, then Bud Jamison who walks in, then Curly again, who's now gobbling like a turkey himself. The turkey makes its way to the end of the table, then falls right off. Not as spectacular as the turkey mishap in, say, Jodie Foster's 1995 film Home for the Holidays, but close.
Prince Shaam is outraged and leaves. He says "This is an outrage! I am leaving!" Bud Jamison knocks the Stooges' heads together and storms out himself. Van Bustle gives the Stooges the ol' triple slap. Curly's about to strike back, but she barks first, and they run off. Didn't I tell you? She's practically the fourth Stooge! The boys retreat to the kitchen. Larry wants to get while the getting's good, but Sergeant Moe quickly reminds him of the mission... and the money. Curly takes charge in his own small way, telling Moe not to shoot the picture until you see "the bags under his eyes." Get it? See, there's this expression... ah, skip it.
And then... the awful truth! Prince Shaam is an actual sham, and Bud Jamison's his partner in crime! Diabolical. We see the two of them trying to open a safe by flashlight. Cut to the Stooges walking down the hall... followed by the parrot-turkey hybrid! This is clearly the part that stretches the film out to 16 minutes. As usual, we'll have to forget about how the Stooges know where to go, but they stumble across the "Prince" and Bud Jamison. Moe snaps a picture of them. We get a nice long shot of Moe doing so. The light of the room goes on. Man, that's a tiny safe! Of course, a giant fist fight breaks out. Moe takes on the Prince. The Prince hits Moe and we hear a weird wood block sound. Twice. Bud takes on Larry and Curly, one Stooge under each armpit. Curly knocks Bud into a chair with his stomach. Bud gets up and rips off a chair leg, and I'll be damned if he doesn't look just like Lou Dobbs from 7:02 to 7:04. The audio is sped up during most of this part. How did they do that? I wonder if Pinnacle Studio can make it normal again. Bud easily takes out Larry, then Curly with his chair leg. He goes over to take care of Moe and... cue the two-men-in-the-same-coat fist fight waltz. Oh, it's all too terrible to contemplate. I'll cut right to the end of the chase, where Moe wins, then looks in horror/anger over at the other two who seem to be sleeping on the floor.
EPILOGUE
Back to Fuller Bull's office. The Stooges walk in with their heads held low! They sadly inform the boss that the Prince is not actually a prince, he was arrested for safecracking, and that there's no wedding. Ever the savvy newsman, he tells the Stooges that it's the biggest news to "hit this town." Which is good, because he'll probably have to write it himself. Vernon hands Curly the check, and Curly gets rather excited about it, helping himself to a cigar. Well, the Depression was hard, even on the Stooges. So hard that they had to reuse the footage of Curly reacting to the destruction of his second cigar when his third cigar gets ruined. Just then, Ms. Van Bustle comes into Fuller Bull's office! She grabs Curly, lifts him high up off the ground and smothers him with kisses. Curly tries returning the favor but ends up kissing Moe instead. Van Bustle exits stage left as quickly as possible to avoid the carnage. Moe and Curly start going at each other with slaps to the face. They reach a stalemate. Moe takes out his frustration on Larry. Larry tries complaining to Fuller Bull about it, but alas, Moe and Curly get into it anew. Even Larry's shocked by it!
Well, it's not one of their Western pics, or one of their haunted house pics. What's the proper genre? I guess it's another one of their "cooking for high society" flicks. The real star this time is that walking, talking cooked turkey. I have a feeling we haven't heard the last of it..................................
****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
Auteur Watch - Bob and Harvey Weinstein
Jane's Dragon: The Motion Picture
Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter... sheesh. Well, one web reviewer had the guts to say that it's an affront to history. I say it's just the kind of thing to get the right people out to the theatre this weekend. You know, just to see how ridiculous it is. Meanwhile, the collaboration between Tim Burton and Timur Bekmembatov, the Russian Tim Burton, continues unabated. How did that happen, anyway? Timur must have motel pictures or something. That's the only think I can thing of... oh, right! Brave. Shoulda figured that. Of course, Pixar's treading on dangerous ground here with a PG movie. Bottomless Scots? Scots at all, for Pete's sake! Get back to the kid-friendlier fare: Toy Story 4, Bug's Life 2, that kinda crap. Meanwhile, the best little Marigold whorehouse drops off the list, while Moonrise Kingdom slips below #10. It wasn't Coppola's fault, nor Ed Norton's. I have a feeling it'll be back next week, along with that new Steve Carell downer... he's living up to his Bob Bummer character after all!
Monday, June 18, 2012
Behold the corrupting power of television...
Well, give TV credit where credit's due... at least it's trying to evolve. I hate to think what's going to become of TV after 3D takes over. But apparently it's cheaper to give old movies an HD face lift than it is to actually put them out on DVD or Blu-Ray. Take Wrong is Right and The Gong Show Movie, for example. Both movies from the 80s, both about television run amok, but most importantly to me, both recently seen on various HD channels. Both probably not worth getting on disc! And yet, here we are. Even the worst Peter Hyams movie gets new life breathed into it through HD. But is it even fair to compare Wrong is Right and The Gong Show Movie to each other? Probably not, but I'll do it anyway...
DR. STRANGELOVE + NETWORK = ... JUST PLAIN WRONG
That seems to be the hybrid that they were going for. A little Dr. Strangelove, a little Network... they got the pacing of a thriller down, with some satire for the kids. Somehow, not satirical enough. Jennifer Jason Leigh does what she can, though, as does veteran cinematographer Fred Koenekamp, whose other credits include Patton, Papillon, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, Stewardess School... hmm! A slippery slope, if you will! Actually, I think I have a bad DVD copy of this somewhere, taped off a tape from that video store I used to go to. I know, shame on me. I'll have to dig it out and watch it someday, as the HD viewing of Wrong is Right was aborted in our household. The vote was taken, and the movie lost. Sorry, "writer"-director Richard Brooks, guess you're stuck with In Cold Blood and those Tennessee Williams plays you did.
**
CHUCK BARRIS' RINGMASTER
It's tough being a celebrity, especially a groundbreaker like Chuck Barris. According to Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, he was a cultural lightning rod when The Gong Show was in its heyday and, much like Kinsey, got blamed for the downfall of society. If only we knew. Now he seems downright quaint these days, along with Donahue.
But in addition to being a covert CIA operative, Barris once aspired to make films as well. Apparently, all these guys do. Jerry Springer had 1998's Ringmaster, even though another writer and director is inexplicably credited. Same as with Howard Stern's Private Parts. But no. Chuck had to have it all. Director, co-writer, star. Who does he think he is? Bob Fosse? And how the hell did Robert Downey Sr. get roped into that? It's those kinds of questions that are more interesting to me. And so, The Gong Show Movie was born. And as The Onion would probably observe, it provided the inspiration for David Lee Roth's Just a Gigolo / Ain't Got Nobody music video... hmm! Maybe I'll look that up on YouTube now!... see? This is how it begins. God bless the internet age. For some reason, I'm proud of myself that I spotted Taylor Negron. Ultimately, I took it upon myself to delete Gong Show from the TiVo. I gave it the gong, if you will. Well, if you saw the suffering I saw, you'd scold me for not doing it sooner.
*1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
DR. STRANGELOVE + NETWORK = ... JUST PLAIN WRONG
That seems to be the hybrid that they were going for. A little Dr. Strangelove, a little Network... they got the pacing of a thriller down, with some satire for the kids. Somehow, not satirical enough. Jennifer Jason Leigh does what she can, though, as does veteran cinematographer Fred Koenekamp, whose other credits include Patton, Papillon, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, Stewardess School... hmm! A slippery slope, if you will! Actually, I think I have a bad DVD copy of this somewhere, taped off a tape from that video store I used to go to. I know, shame on me. I'll have to dig it out and watch it someday, as the HD viewing of Wrong is Right was aborted in our household. The vote was taken, and the movie lost. Sorry, "writer"-director Richard Brooks, guess you're stuck with In Cold Blood and those Tennessee Williams plays you did.
**
CHUCK BARRIS' RINGMASTER
It's tough being a celebrity, especially a groundbreaker like Chuck Barris. According to Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, he was a cultural lightning rod when The Gong Show was in its heyday and, much like Kinsey, got blamed for the downfall of society. If only we knew. Now he seems downright quaint these days, along with Donahue.
But in addition to being a covert CIA operative, Barris once aspired to make films as well. Apparently, all these guys do. Jerry Springer had 1998's Ringmaster, even though another writer and director is inexplicably credited. Same as with Howard Stern's Private Parts. But no. Chuck had to have it all. Director, co-writer, star. Who does he think he is? Bob Fosse? And how the hell did Robert Downey Sr. get roped into that? It's those kinds of questions that are more interesting to me. And so, The Gong Show Movie was born. And as The Onion would probably observe, it provided the inspiration for David Lee Roth's Just a Gigolo / Ain't Got Nobody music video... hmm! Maybe I'll look that up on YouTube now!... see? This is how it begins. God bless the internet age. For some reason, I'm proud of myself that I spotted Taylor Negron. Ultimately, I took it upon myself to delete Gong Show from the TiVo. I gave it the gong, if you will. Well, if you saw the suffering I saw, you'd scold me for not doing it sooner.
*1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Integrated Thumb Wars
ACT ONE
As you can infer from the comedy names on the door, it's not the Stooges' office. Spoiler alert: they're only there to clean, as Curly's bastardized Latin semi-informs us. Larry gives us some vintage pre-Charlie Brown wishy-washiness... he might say maybe. Puh-leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze. Curly enthusiastically wheezes on the part of the floor he's scrubbing. Moe senses Larry's up to some corner-cutting shenanigans. Putting the dust and falderal under the chair cushions! The very idea... Moe scolds Larry just the right amount. See, you gotta be smart! Moe unzips the carpet and dumps his dustpan in there! Genius. Meanwhile, Curly runs afoul of a sneezing marble bust, then destroys his feather duster courtesy of a comedy fan. Reminds me what I was dreaming about this morning: on the Colbert Report they had the story of power tools that don't cut off fingers. See, part of the American dream is that when you invent something like that, you patent the hell out of it and make a billion dollars, and you buy yourself a fancy home on a hillside with an elevator that goes down the hill to the guest house. Right, Tom DeLay? Apparently, it's not happening for the guy. What are doctors going to do if they can't treat severed limbs? Bad for business. But I digress. Turns out it's Moe sneezing, but Curly's freshly de-feathered feather duster gives Moe something to really sneeze about. To compound the insult, Curly further injures Moe by pulling the proverbial mop out from under him that he's standing upon. Aspiring film directors take note: the mop-based pratfall is gratuitous, and it detracts from Curly's Indian noise. Moe makes his own noise in response, which Curly makes after Moe hits him in the head. Curly goes over to the electricity machine that Moe was just at, and throws part of it away. The part lands in Moe's pants, and is attached to the main machine with a wire. Apparently, this is the "taser" portion of the machine, and Moe starts dancing around in electroshock-induced agony. Time for... the other Stooges to start dancing in solidarity! Curly tears up the dance floor with Moe. Larry gets caught up in the spirit of things in his part of the office, then falls down like a jackass. Moe eventually unplugs the wire from the metal plate in his pants. Curly's still dancing away like there's no Great Depression or World War II to concern himself with. Moe shows Curly the wire. Note how Curly follows the wire at 3:08. I only mention it because usually the Stooges just turn their head when they're following something, but Curly turns his whole body this time. This is a blatant plot device, but Curly is now positioned perfectly so that Moe can kick him in the ass. Moe kicks Curly in the ass, and Curly runs across the room. We hear a crash off-screen. We then see Curly's head in the fishbowl that Larry was standing next to before he fell down dancing. It's urgent because Curly's breathing is obstructed by the level of the water. Curly's blowing bubbles and scaring the fish, for God's sake! The ASPCA must've been on the set that day, for Curly's head is merely removed from the fish bowl, giving us that giant sucking sound Perot would warn us about some 50 years later. The Stooges have now set up the perfect time-stretcher that should take us right into Act Two.
For starters, there's the matter of excess water that Curly may have ingested, turning him into a human seltzer bottle. Moe gets spritzed with goldfish-bowl water about eight times. The fifth time, he gets spritzed without even hitting Curly first! Where's the justice? So that ordeal eats up about twenty seconds. Note the bad sound effect at about 3:29. It's a split second of a spaceship / ray gun sound effect. I demand my money back... alas, like Moleman wanting his four minutes back that he was locked in the Kwik-E-Mart, I probably won't get satisfaction... oh, right. I didn't pay YouTube for watching this Stooge short. Never mind! Anyway, Curly stops spitting water and holds his stomach in pain. Great. First the long toothache of the soul, now this. Suddenly, Curly's stomach pain turns to stomach laughter. Curly says "Something's tickling me to death!" Larry gives the plot a mighty Sisyphean push forward, suggesting they put Curly in front of the "flower-scopey" X-ray machine. Moe turns the machine on and we see that Curly had inadvertently swallowed a couple of goldfish while his head was trapped in the fishbowl. Moe devises a plan to catch the fish that involves Curly swallowing some string and some bait. Curly is highly skeptical and visibly resists the idea, verbally as well, but ultimately defers to Moe's rank. The whole thing's kinda gross, even by Stooge standards, so I'll just skip to the botched joke at the end. Curly asks Moe "Have you got a fishing license?" Moe says no, and Curly says "Then gimme back my fish!" Moe says "Here's one" and slaps Curly in the face. I guess, like Monty Python, the Stooges were never ones to take the traditional comedians' punchline imperative too seriously.
ACT TWO
Suddenly sirens! For once, the Stooges are legit, as they assume the cops aren't after them. We see a group of crooks running from the cops. Did I say group? I meant a group of three... that's right. The Stooges meet their anti-matter, at long last. Plot Device: activate! A cop fires, and hits one of the bad guys in the arm. Nothing mortal, but they still need a doctor. Say! Here's a doctor! Hart-Burns and Belcher. The bad guys enter. They see the boys, triumphant after the successful live-fish-ectomy. Moe asks the patient "So! How do you feel?" Curly says "Just fine, doc!" The perfect time for the criminals to state their case: the Stooges have to remove the slug from their comrade, or they'll be forced to put a fresh slug in the Stooges! Simple. Direct. Mametian. Curly helpfully observes "Looks like a case of life and death. Go ahead, Doc," subtly or not-so-subtly putting the pressure on Moe. There's a nice awkward pause between the time that Moe says "Meet my two assistants!" and the time the chief crook says "SNAP IT UP!"
The patient is placed onto the back of a dump truck... I mean, placed on a hospital bed. The patient asks for anesthesia. The other crook clarifies: "He wants to be knocked out!" THAT the Stooges understand. The Stooges seem to turn into a super-secret order of the Free Masons right before our eyes. Unsettling. A medical mallet is used on the patient's head. The other two crooks miss this "medical procedure" and ask what the "doctors" gave the patient. Curly answers with some Free Mason code words... I mean, Pig Latin. The crooks accept it as the Emes truth. The two crooks wait outside, renewing their promise to kill the Stooges if they don't fix their friend. Moe finally gives it to Curly for "ratting" him out as a doctor, adding "Now I gotta go through with it!" Curly steps on a pedal, and the bad guy slides out the window, as though he were gravel in the back of a dump truck, landing relatively safely into the back of a police car below. There's a delightful setup for this happening, and I hate to spoil it. Meanwhile, back at the lab... the Stooges discover that the bad guy's missing! The crook outside asks "What's going on in there?" There's no time to waste. The bad guys re-enter the doctor's office. They see, along with the rest of us, a Curly-shaped body on the operating table, covered in a sheet. Moe says "Don't worry. When we get through with him, he'll be a different man!" Ah, jokes. Moe starts cutting the sheet with his "hema-glober," narrowly missing Curly and his hemoglobin. Reminds me of Boobs in Arms with the bayonet and all. Time to stretch out the film some more with THIS gag. Notice how the light bounces off the knife. There must be a giant movie light under the sheet with Curly. Curly laughs when tickled by Moe's hand. You think the jig would be up, but no. Just for that, I'm skipping ahead. The crooks leave the room. Moe steps on the pedal and Curly starts heading outside through the window. Apparently, his heft is preventing him from sliding right out. He gobbles like a turkey at about 1:34. The Stooges leave the room, and the crooks come back in. The crooks lift the sheet to find a skeleton. I only mention it because the spring noise is the same as in A Bird in the Head when Professor Vernon Dent slips on a bottle, flies up in the air, and lands ass first on a set of dentures... oops! Spoiler Alert. I forgot to mention: crook #1 says "Let's get Joe and beat it!" and crook #2 says "Yeah, and let's make it snappy, too." Holy Redundancy, Batman! This guy's not planning on staying in Stooge films for long if he's going to pad his parts out like that. The crooks exeunt the room, and the Stooges emerge from the closet. Genuis. They go to the window and hear Officer Kelsey say "Remember! There's three of them! Shoot 'em on sight." Having forgotten that they already captured one of the bad guys in their ruined police car... ah, skip it. Professor Moe gets the Mistaken Identity ball rolling. The cops hear Moe talking, then shoot at the Stooges in the window. The Stooges run out into the hallway, causing a three Stooge pile-up. You know, some of the best Stooge routines happen in hallways. Lawrence and Moe zig right, while Curly zigs left. Moe whistles for Curly, but Curly's got a trick up his sleeve! No time for the dignified walk back in the right direction. There's some delightful rupturing of eardrums, then it's time to hide for the Stooges once again.
ACT THREE
Enter Dudley Dickerson. Officer Kelsey subcontracts police work out to him when they see him in the hallway. "If you see three guys, grab 'em! They're killers!" Yeah, piece of cake. Dudley immediately goes into another room for safety's sake. That it's the room that the Stooges went into is merely a delightful bonus. The room turns out to be some sort of mini-museum of the strange and/or Egyptian... in other words, a haunted house. Dudley's no dummy, however. Here's another cultural artifact from a different era: Dudley opens a tiny wall safe with his master key and takes out a gun. A mini gun safe in the wall! I want one of those, even though I'm philosophically opposed to guns. We immediately see, however, the reasonableness of giving an easily scared man a firearm, as Dudley backs into a mannequin's hand, gets scared, yells, and runs away... forgive me. I see now at 3:17 that the room is clearly labeled "Mannikins and Wax Models." I'd apologize for the oversight, but I think I'll be vindicated in the long run, as clearly the evidence shows that the room is more than that boring description.
Where was I? Oh, right, Dudley gets scared and runs off, but at least he's armed now. Dudley goes to open a door, but has trouble with the doorknob. Turns out, the Stooges are on the other side of the door, and it's time for everybody's favourite game show... Doorknob Pinball! First up: Dudley, who pulls on the doorknob, stretching it out about a foot and a half. The doorknob goes back into place. Doorknob: 1, people: 0. Next up: Curly, who pulls on his end of the doorknob. The doorknob stretches out, making the sound of a dying elephant at 3:48. The doorknob's a little rattled, but it goes wobbling back into place. Doorknob: 2, People: 0. Dudley lets out a mighty scream and pulls on his end of the doorknob. The doorknob stretches out about a foot and snaps back, hitting Curly in the face on the other side. Curly barks at the doorknob, and the doorknob goes in for another hit just for good measure. I think it's no contest. DOWN GOES PEOPLE! Tune in next time for another exciting episode of Doorknob Pinball. Curly makes the right move and just walks away.
The plot thickens, as does the goop that Curly falls in. It's not as hot as the boiling rubber that Moe fell into in Dizzy Pilots, but it's similar to the substance from Laurel and Hardy's The Live Ghost. Man, I haven't seen that one in years. Will I be disappointed the next time I watch it? Probably...
Meanwhile, Moe and Larry run up to the giant box that Curly was just in front of. You think they'd run into Curly, seeing as how Curly should be just a couple feet away... ah, skip it. As Stooges often do, Moe and Larry try to go inside the aforementioned giant box. Turns out it's got a giant puppet of... I'm going to say a '30s era radio star. I'm sure Wikipedia knows exactly who it's supposed to be... they don't! I'm going to say Clifton Webb even though it's probably a bit before his time. Anyway, Curly ventures out into the world, his plaster quickly hardening as we speak. Curly tries to hide from anyone who might see him and recognize him in his deplorable condition. Mostly Larry and Moe. Curly holds still in front of a bunch of boxes, while Moe and Larry back into each other, ass first. Note the bad edit at about 5:10. Sloppy, sloppy filmmaking. Moe's and Larry's asses hit each other, making a horn noise. Larry screams in horror. Frankly, who wouldn't? I would if I found out my ass was made of a giant bulb horn! Moe and Larry start to bicker over who scared who. A level-headed Curly intervenes. Moe starts to scold Curly, then gets scared by the plaster-covered enigma before him. Larry follows suit. Curly seems to take a little pride in his small triumph, but quickly stiffens back into character with the approach of another stranger. Enter Dudley Dickerson once again. Dudley doesn't see Curly at first, and Curly starts following Dudley. Dudley finally gets wise and turns around, gets an eye full of Curly, and makes a strange noise at 5:40. I hope that wasn't him. Now, I agree completely with "" who posted that "DUDLEY IS THE MAN!!", but I respectfully disagree with the time they cite. Personally, I would pick 5:42, when he says to Curly "You sho is ugly!!"
As with the shampooing of a head, it's rinse and repeat time. Dudley makes another inhuman double-take noise at about 5:53. Curly says "Now you follow me!" That puts Dudley over the edge. Now that he realizes that what he thought was a mere mannequin is something more, he screams and runs off... although, his heart doesn't seem to be totally into it.
Now for a real test. Curly stiffens once again with the approach of fresh strangers. This time, it's the two crooks, looking for a place to hide their loot. "Hey! How about hiding it inside this dummy?" the beta crook says, pointing to Curly. "Okay. Take his head off." Curly's head doesn't detach so easily, however. Time to cut it off. The bad guy gets a rusty saw. Curly says "Hey, you can't do that!" The bad guy asks "Why not?" Curly starts to explain... but the bad guys eventually run off. Those bad guys aren't so bad after all, as they have a little belief in the mystery of life. They run right into the arms of the cops, but they don't need no Johnnie Cochran. "You got us all wrong!" helpfully says one of the crooks, but the police take 'em away all the same. Ah, sweet sweet movie justice.
Back to Moe and Larry who we've left alone for far too long. Time for them to do what is perhaps my favorite Moe and Larry exchange. Scene: room with a stack of boxes in it. Moe's approaching from Stage Left, and Larry from Stage Right. Larry's armed with a giant metal pipe, and hits the first head he sees: Moe's. Moe's head makes a mighty ringing sound, and down he goes. Larry runs around the boxes and runs into Moe. Larry helpfully says "Hey, Moe! Where were you? I just knocked a guy cold RIGHT HERE! I was on that side, he was on this side. Just as he bent over,...
EPILOGUE
And now, one last part to stretch out the running time of this damn Stooge short. It's a little hard to describe, but I'll try anyway. Plaster Curly sits down on a box. Dudley's hiding behind this same box. Curly places his hands in a very strange way, but never mind. Dudley reaches up and ends up clasping Curly's right hand. An epic thumb war begins between the black hand and the white hand. Did you know that this whole scene is still banned in most of the South? Curly gets a little bit freaked out at 7:38, but makes a full recovery soon after. What a silly notion! How could he suddenly have grown a third black hand? Preposterous. The thumb war continues. Curly shrugs it off, but gets scared again at 7:54, and touches the black hand just to make sure it's real. Cut to Dudley who's positively pissing his pants at this point. Sorry, but that's simply the best way to describe it. Frankly, this whole scene doesn't bode well for race relations, and the way Curly ends the stalemate doesn't exactly help, either, rejecting the whole scenario by falling over backwards. Separate but equal, I'm afraid. Dudley gets scared again and runs off, this time for good. Moe tries to stop him from breaking down the door, but Dudley runs right through two of them. There's a metaphor there someplace, something about the indignity of the black man having to break down the doors, while the white man more easily walks through the hole that's left. The Stooges normally open a door to go through it, no matter the size of the hole in it, but apparently the doors are locked this time, and it's not the door to their house, so through the gaping holes in the door they go. Curly waddles through both doors. Good direction! Fade out. End sequence.
Whew! I'm beat. And it's already time for the next one. I guess this is just an average Stooge short, but it does have that part where Moe says to Larry "Now you're right there!" Four stars it is.
****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
Auteur Watch - Keenen Ivory Wayans
Wayans' World! Wayans' World! Party time! Excellent! ...that's out on the web someplace. Yes, from humble 80s beginnings with Robert Townsend's Hollywood Shuffle, Keenen Ivory has undoubtedly built a film empire that either reaffirms the stereotypes that that film was trying to attack, but probably has made something entirely different, something that even that film couldn't predict. Wayans seems to have gone farther than Townsend, anyhow, and he's taken a lot of family and friends to the top with him. Keenen likes being the funny guy in such projects as In Living Color and I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, but he also likes being the cool guy, as with such projects as A Low Down Dirty Shame and Most Wanted. MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!!
We saw a little bit of 1988's gang-sploitation flick, Colors, with Damon Wayans playing a doped-up badass. Clearly playing against type, but black people were scarier back then, even the funny ones. You know how uptight America still is. Hard to say which decade is Keenen's favorite. Probably the go-go 80s, when he was starting out, young, lean and tall, and hungry. Rubbing elbows with Arsenio and Eddie Murphy. The 90s cooled down a bit. The 2000s was a time for building up a cinema résumé, and instead of rubbing elbows with Eddie Murphy and Arsenio, it was time to rub elbows with the Weinsteins and Miramax. Some have almost died trying to get to those elbows. What do the 2010s have in store for the Wayans? Well, In Living Color's getting a reboot, but I'm sure they know better than to try to take SNL down. SNL's dug in their heels, and they've got more political allies than ever. No, about all you can ask for these days is comments on your IMDb page like the following: "He's 54 but he looks 40." Viva Hollywood! A toast to anyone and everyone named Wayans!
We saw a little bit of 1988's gang-sploitation flick, Colors, with Damon Wayans playing a doped-up badass. Clearly playing against type, but black people were scarier back then, even the funny ones. You know how uptight America still is. Hard to say which decade is Keenen's favorite. Probably the go-go 80s, when he was starting out, young, lean and tall, and hungry. Rubbing elbows with Arsenio and Eddie Murphy. The 90s cooled down a bit. The 2000s was a time for building up a cinema résumé, and instead of rubbing elbows with Eddie Murphy and Arsenio, it was time to rub elbows with the Weinsteins and Miramax. Some have almost died trying to get to those elbows. What do the 2010s have in store for the Wayans? Well, In Living Color's getting a reboot, but I'm sure they know better than to try to take SNL down. SNL's dug in their heels, and they've got more political allies than ever. No, about all you can ask for these days is comments on your IMDb page like the following: "He's 54 but he looks 40." Viva Hollywood! A toast to anyone and everyone named Wayans!
Critics hate him...
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Superheroes of history: The Cuber Missile Crisis
That being said... for me, the plot hung together as best it could, but I'm just a cold-hearted cynic and still believe the textbook version of events during the Cuban missile crisis. Also, I'm certainly no scholar of the X-Men back story... I never did see that second one. But as with the gap between Revenge of the Sith and Star Wars (A New Hope), somehow the pieces don't fit together. Spoiler alert: we get to witness the mortal wound that forces Charles Xavier into that wheelchair. More spoilers: it thankfully comes at the end of the movie, and it's all the more compounded by who caused it. Also, I thought Raven's choice of loyalties seemed a little forced... but I guess those were the only two major sticking points in terms of plot. Oh, and the naming of everything happens here too. Magneto, Professor X, X-Men... most of them get handed down, but what the hell. Just go with it.
Which leaves the cast. All in all, everyone does a fine job. Still, I couldn't help but think that Jennifer Lawrence is the new Renée Zellweger, not the new Rebecca Romijn. Lucas Till's the new Matt Damon. See, I don't know my X-Men, because I thought he was Cyclops. I don't know what Havok does. Havok has a better sense of geometry than Cyclops, obviously. There's also a nice cameo by a certain Wolverine, who gets to deliver the film's one f-word. Gotta like that. Oliver Platt does a subconscious Tom Hanks impression... damn! So much more reading to do. The point being, only eye candy allowed in front of the camera. No uggs. Ugg. Although, the casting department did a pretty good job in getting people that looked like they came from the early 60s, I must say. So: great casting, great production design, great camerawork. Music? So-so.
The door is left open for a sequel, which is getting worked on as we speak. Director Matthew Vaughn is opting to direct the sequel, leaving the Kick-Ass sequel in other directors' hands. Probably the right choice. He's come too far by now, and he's gotta bring it to Guy Ritchie. Bring it on!!!
***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
Sunday, June 10, 2012
And a phony at the express!
ACT ONE
The Old West town of Peaceful Gulch is under siege from gunfire. The mayor, or someone very mayor-ish, is crouching behind a desk with an assistant. The mine payroll is safe, for now... but who will get rid of these guys riding up and down Main Street firing their guns? The Stooges, you ask? They're wanted for vagrancy, as their Wanted poster shows. Their reward is very low, so it makes more sense to re-label them as Marshalls that are coming to clean up the town. The bald dude gets a face full of ink just for good measure. The bald dude is Victor Travers... and apparently he's playing a newspaper editor here. Boy, did I misread that. Vic's finest role, of course, is as "Man who gets a face full of Mashed Potatoes" in 1944's Crash Goes the Hash.
Meanwhile, the Stooges are hiding behind a very thin tree from a REAL sheriff. The boys emerge at the right time, then run away. The problem's not with them running away, however. The problem is where they stop. This time: next to a wagon run by Abdul, peddling Abdul's Cactus Remedy. One of those things that cures all ailments and polishes wood furniture. At $1 per bottle, you'd be a fool NOT to buy it! Curly craves a bottle, and forecasts's mankind's future health problems. He says "Hey Moe! Buy me a bottle. I can't sleep!" Moe replies "You sleep 12 hours every night!" Curly retorts "Yeah, but I'm wide awake all day!" This whole sequence sounds dubbed in. The real movie they were filming on the set at the same time must've been awful loud. Moe starts hitting Curly. Curly protests, adjusts his hat and says "Okay, NOW!" Moe switches up his thrashing procedure just for good measure. Stooge Rule #1: you're not allowed to choose your punishment.
Suddenly, the plot rears its ugly head... "Abdul" gets an urgent telegram. So urgent that he's forced to ask the Stooges to take over the business. He may regret that decision yet. No sooner than about nine or ten seconds after "Abdul" leaves, the Stooges destroy the stock on hand. A dozen or so bottles of Cactus Remedy crash gloriously to the ground. Ah, gravity... man's oldest, most silent nemesis. Moe orders the other two to mix some more while he does some "shpiel-ing." Curly helpfully replies "I think you've spielled enough already!" After Moe gets rid of Curly, Moe starts his sales pitch. That nosy-ass sheriff wants a bottle of cactus remedy pretty badly! Why, he almost deserves what's going to happen to him. Anyway, time for alchemists Lawrence and Curlington to go to work, preparing a fresh batch. Pardon their Scotch again!! The mixing begins proper... hang on a sec... The mixing begins proper. Curly points out that alchemy's more of an art than anything. You mix a little of this and a little of that. Larry picks up a giant jug of hydrogen peroxide, smaller than the Costco size, and says "Say! We've got plenty of this." Curly says "Then I'll try that!" Eat it, S.J. Perelman. Learn from THAT, Damon Runyon... They do it again. Third time's a spanking, as the old wives tale goes. Curly pours in black stuff, and the mixture turns black. Curly pours in another clear liquid that doesn't seem to want to leave the bottle, turning the mixture clear again! Cool. Mr. Science? How dey do dat? Curly keeps going. Notice Curly's face change at about 3:38. This is some powerful chemistry! Larry, giddy with excitement, hands Curly another bottle and says "Here's another one." Nuggets! It seems to be more than mere baking soda, as the concoction starts spilling over onto the table, setting the table on fire. Back to Moe, who's still charming the crowd with his sales pitch. The sheriff is having none of it and demands his bottle... or else. Moe stands right next to the closed curtain and says "Lumbago!" Curly says "Lumbago!" right back and hands Moe a bottle through the closed curtain, socking Moe in the jaw in the process. Moe socks back, hurting Curly tremendously. The sheriff uncorks the bottle. The cork ends up in Moe's eye, of course. Where else? Moe pre-reacts to this as the sheriff goes to uncork the bottle. For Moe's sake, we cut to the cork already in his eye. The sheriff takes a mighty, confident swig, and we hear the usual Stooge short drinking sounds starting at 4:38. The sheriff licks his lips a couple times. I only mention it because it sure looks weird. Must be the mustache. Then, the cactus "remedy" starts kicking in. The sheriff looks like Gene Kelly a little bit! Surely the stuff's working! But then... nope. His mustache starts twirling. Never good. Unless he's going to be in an old-timey boxing match... what is that annoying ad with the theme music from Eyes Wide Shut? Heineken? The sheriff carefully falls down, as directed by the stuntpersons shop steward. Moe makes his getaway already. The sheriff proclaims "I've been poisoned!" And so, the Consumer Protection Agency was born. God bless the Stooges, who are already at the reins of the horses we can't see, planning their getaway. The sheriff yells "Come back here!" but the Stooges are already gone. The sheriff throws the bottle in disgust. We hear a loud explosion, and we see the Stooges covered in singed clothing, standing on the wagon wheel's axle, riding off into the afternoon sun. Perfect time for an Act break.
ACT TWO
The phony newspaper article is in place. The Stooges have been deputized to stop the arch bad guy, Red something-or-other. Gaylord quits? Crop failure? Crikey! Bad news is a constant, no matter what times we're living in, modern or not. Bud Jamison plays the arch bad guy this time. Somehow, I just can't accept him in that role. Kindly but dimwitted Irish policeman, sure. Anyway, there's three cowboys reading the newspaper article. The Stooges show up, and the three cowboys run inside the saloon, alerting "Red" Bud Jamison. Jamison says "Wild Bill Hiccup!" Hiccup. Wyatt Burp. General Jack D. Ripper... Comedy names are a constant, no matter what era it is. Time for a time stretcher. Moe tells Curly that Curly's face scares people; they need to clean up to look presentable. Each Stooge brushes the other's back with their hands, then they turn around. Moe turns around a third time, but too early, getting a face full of Curly's hand. Time to go inside. There's no buffet for the Stooges to run to inside this saloon, but they'll run and push people aside for free drinks! Under the delusion that the Stooges are bad-ass marshalls, Bud offers the boys a drink. Curly and Bud grab strange pewter-plated mugs, but the director's going to make us wait for them to get shattered. First, Curly raises his mug, which has Bud's mug above it. Bud gets a face full of brewski. Curly helpfully says "Hey! You're supposed to drink that, not rub it in!" Curly then n'yuk-n'yuks as slowly and as long as possible to stretch out the running time of the pic. Enter the dame. Curly is mesmerized. You might want to have your children leave the room during 6:32-6:36, just in case. They start dancing. Ever the gentleman, Curly tells the dame "You dance like you got your legs on backwards!" Soon after, Curly accidentally pours the rest of his drink down the dame's back. She doesn't get upset enough about this. They don't quite go into bee-down-the-person's-back dance routine or the ice-cube-down-person's-back dance routine, but Curly does end up back-kicking Bud in the ass, doing his version of the moonwalk. Meanwhile, Moe and Larry try cutting in on the dance floor, and end up dancing with each other. So gay. Back to Curly, who picks a fight with a wooden column. And then, our hearts are broken as we find out the dame's true intentions. She leads the dance over to the bad guys, ready and waiting to do Curly Bill Hiccup in, but Curly's got a few tricks up his sleeve... or, in his hand, rather. Still holding his pewter beer stein in his hand, he swivels around, knocking the bad guys out with it.
The plot tension is ratcheted up. The bartender finds the Stooges' "Wanted for Vagrancy" poster. Bud vows to "stop his (Curly's) Hiccup." But Curly finds Bud, inadvertently giving Bud another face full of beer foam. Curly gives Bud the ... you know, the hand-following routine at about 8:12, more slowly than usual, seeing as how they're all drunk, and with a little extra tacked on for good measure. Bud one-ups Curly, showing him the barrel of his gun, Stooge style... yes, I had to look that up. Bud tops it off by shooting Larry's beer stein. Larry dives behind the bar's counter... all part of the plot, folks. The screenwriters are just that top-notch. "Turkey in the Straw" stops playing on the piano at this point.
By the ancient rules of combat, Bud officially challenges Curly to a shooting match. Curly takes out his slingshot, which Moe takes from him after getting hit in the face with it. Moe gets a little pissed off, and looks for a gun for Curly to use, helping himself to one of Bud's guns. Larry sets up bottles on the bar, and helpfully "psst"s at Moe and Curly. Curly shoots, and Larry breaks one of the bottles. Curly does three more, then gets too cocky. Curly tries a fancy shot, pulls the trigger, but the gun doesn't fire. Larry hits the last bottle anyway... idiot. Moe helpfully says "Huh! He scared it to death!" Bud's not buying it, and points a gun at Moe's face. Curly accidentally shoots a light fixture, and hits Bud on the head with it. Fade out.
Fade in to next scene: Payroll guards! The boys are outside a bank, during a "bright full moon," armed to the teeth. Curly's got one of those bandito-style bullet belts as suspenders. Time to stretch out the run time of the pic again. Curly and Larry do a right-face motion while holding shotguns. Moe gets hit with two ... shotgun barrels! Two pairs of shotgun barrels. Then they see that Bud Jamison is inside the bank. Thinking nothing of it, and with Bud no longer sore at the Stooges, they let Bud go on his merry way... back inside the bank. Moe gets hit a couple more times with shotgun barrels, and the boys end up in front of the mom and pop store, where Moe gets hit a couple more times. Are they trying to say that the Army is kinda stupid? During WWII, no less. Treason. Just then... a giant explosion! How far from the bank were they? Curly sees a smoldering crater in the wall of the bank, and declares "Termites! And big ones, too!" The official bank entrance is still intact, and the Stooges try to get in through that door. Meanwhile, five burglars with bags of coins leave through the smoldering crater. There's a modern-day parallel there someplace. Instead of Curly's head used to open a door, Moe's head gets used, with a little push from the butt of Curly's rifle. The boss runs up and screams for help, and runs into the bank. Guess who the Stooges bring out?...
Next scene: the boys are hot on Bud's trail... is that Curly howling? Good Lord. Maybe it's Sheb Woolly. We'll hear this howl a few more times, so get used to it. Eventually, we see that the bloodhound is Curly. He does have a nose like a bloodhound... and the rest of his face don't look so good either. Moe gives Curly a treat, and almost loses a finger in the process. Time for Moe to get hit by a branch... at the end of 2:27.
ACT THREE
Might as well make the switch here. Moe gets satisfaction for his second branch hit, while the boys run afoul of a skunk. Damn! Curly almost takes a piss on a tree. Damn Hays code. Curly gobbles like a turkey at 3:28... and I probably better go. Society just can't handle my sense of dedication to you people.... and I'M BACK!!! I suppose I would be remiss if I didn't complement the sound editing at 3:12... I mean, damn! Curly's an actual dog now! Moe says "He's got the trail of the skunk!" The actual skunk runs into a skunk-sized tunnel. That's a well-trained Hollywood skunk they got there! Well, the Stooges always worked with the best. Curly goes to the tunnel entrance and starts digging, showering a mighty reign of dirt upon Lawrence and Moseph. At the age of 17, by God, Curly goes into that tunnel, and at 21 he emerges triumphant, having vanquished his foe, and wearing a skunk-skin Daniel Boone cap to boot. And by God, he was rich. Does Moe appreciate it? Of course not. Curly protects himself from an imminent eye-poke with a lift from the tail on his skunk-skin cap!!
Larry gets a chance to shine for once, saying "Hey! Hey fellas, look! A cabin!" The end of the film's approaching, so it must be the bad guys' hideout. Somehow it looks like their stunt doubles running up to the cabin. Nobody home, so in they go, the nosey noses. Moe orders "Search the joint... SPREAD OUT!!!" Curly manages to always find something inedible to eat, forcing us to watch his confusion as he chews so dedicatedly. In the instant case: moth balls, or "peppah-mintys." Let the mastication begin! Curly enjoys it, and goes for a giant second helping. Curly steps on a board and hits Moe in the chin. Moe makes a noise of pain, while Curly makes the same noise he made when first tasting the moth balls. Very unsettling. Another rare Larry moment, as he discovers the money hidden under the same floorboard. Economy of gesture, economy of plot. Always a good thing. Moe grabs several large bags of coins. Meanwhile, the bad guys approacheth. Larry's holding the bags, and the three knuckleheads hurry and look for places to hide. The dough is hidden in the fireplace in the center of the room. Larry suffers collateral chin damage as the money is deposited in said stove. Curly, not having read any Daniel Goleman books in his life, can't help himself and tries to make a withdrawal from the stove. Moe pushes Curly away, and hard. So hard, in fact, that Curly lands ass-first in a bear trap. Great. Just when things were sailing smoothly. Well, Curly sailed pretty smoothly into that bear trap, I'll give you that.
So, Curly now has a giant toothache in his ass. Moe rips off the trap... but gets an idea. Inspiration comes from the darnedest of places... cool! I spelled 'darnedest' correctly! No red squiggly line under it. Squiggly, too! Anyway, the point is, the boys get the rest of the traps to use on the approaching bad guys! The bad guys must be laboring under the laws of Zeno's Paradox, because they should have been there by now, and at least have heard Curly's loud cries from horrific ass pain. The boys set the traps, and the bad guys see the lifted floorboard. The bad guys go out the back and see the Stooges. Curly offers himself from afar to the bad guys like some sort of sick worm wanting to be eaten by a fish. The ruse WORKS! All four bad guys feel Curly's pain. Unfortunately, Moe runs out of good ideas at this point, ordering Curly to go back inside and get "the dough." Curly starts to do this, when... Bud Jamison and a friend! They're at the front door that Curly just locked. The break down the door, but don't find Curly! Just an empty floor where the money should be. Bud throws his cigar butt into the stove. We see Curly sitting there. Very unusual to see a Stooge just sitting still. A roaring fire starts. Curly nyaah-nyaahs. Bud doesn't hear it, and thinks to check the stove. The bullets on Curly's belts start firing. The stove turns into sort of a Roman candle from hell, flailing around in its place in the center of the room. Oh, it's the fourth of July, I tells ya. Bud gets an ass-full of bullets and crawls away. I hate to think what happens to Curly's back.
EPILOGUE
Best Stooge Western ever! At least, until the next one...
***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
Saturday, June 09, 2012
Probably Prometheus
Another interesting trend's going on here. In addition to the kids and the fanboys, retirees are keeping their entry afloat! Did you know that The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel has been holding steady at either #6 or #8 for the last five weeks? It's been #6 two weeks in a row now! Something's going on here... too early to call Oscar buzz? Nah, it's gotta be an historical figure. What's Peter Morgan written this year? Or what's Michael Sheen starred in this year?
Thursday, June 07, 2012
With titles by The Saturday Evening Post
Someone else could speak to the historical importance of 1973's The Sting better than I, but I'm more interested in the film as a phenomenon. People speak of a trend in the Oscars where someone gets an award for the thing they do just after what they should have won for. Jeremy Irons in Reversal of Fortune is the one most oft cited. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid won four Oscars, but The Sting really cleaned up with seven. Meanwhile, director George Roy Hill did Slaughterhouse Five in between the two. You know, just to mix it up. A small project in between the big ones. Then he'd throw it all away afterwards on The Great Waldo Pepper, but gain some of it back with Slap Shot, and on and on and back and forth it goes. Also, The Sting fits nicely in the Generation Gap Nostalgia department, telling a story that happened about thirty years ago from its release date; thirty-seven in this case.
One of my viewing companions kept seeing visual references that would later influence Miller's Crossing. Well, that and Harlem Nights. Same with Brian De Palma's The Untouchables. There's a literal connection, of course: the casting of Billy Bob Thornton-ish character actor Brad Sullivan, a George Roy Hill favorite.
I hate to spoil the plot... it's just that good. Or at least, tries to be. It's one that fellow Minnesota natives the Coens surely love, as it involves pass-fakes that only the characters in the movie know. So it's this and 1979's The In-Laws that led to major advancements in screenwriting plot development (technology). Nowadays it's anything goes, and everything goes (in). One-too-many endings, flashbacks, flash-forwards, how the characters looked in the '70s... it's all starting to blur together. At one point, this same viewing companion asked me if they did a matte shot with computers. Ummm.......
What else? Oh, there's a slow speed homage to the big chase in The French Connection! That was sly. Paul Newman and Charles Durning would later appear in The Hudsucker Proxy, but they wouldn't do a scene together. Marvin Hamlisch won three Oscars in 1973 and was free from the shackles of Woody Allen forever after that. The Simpsons would do an homage to The Entertainer later on in the episode called... I think it's called New York City vs. Homer Simpson... something like that. Get better HD, TCM!!!!!!
****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
One of my viewing companions kept seeing visual references that would later influence Miller's Crossing. Well, that and Harlem Nights. Same with Brian De Palma's The Untouchables. There's a literal connection, of course: the casting of Billy Bob Thornton-ish character actor Brad Sullivan, a George Roy Hill favorite.
I hate to spoil the plot... it's just that good. Or at least, tries to be. It's one that fellow Minnesota natives the Coens surely love, as it involves pass-fakes that only the characters in the movie know. So it's this and 1979's The In-Laws that led to major advancements in screenwriting plot development (technology). Nowadays it's anything goes, and everything goes (in). One-too-many endings, flashbacks, flash-forwards, how the characters looked in the '70s... it's all starting to blur together. At one point, this same viewing companion asked me if they did a matte shot with computers. Ummm.......
What else? Oh, there's a slow speed homage to the big chase in The French Connection! That was sly. Paul Newman and Charles Durning would later appear in The Hudsucker Proxy, but they wouldn't do a scene together. Marvin Hamlisch won three Oscars in 1973 and was free from the shackles of Woody Allen forever after that. The Simpsons would do an homage to The Entertainer later on in the episode called... I think it's called New York City vs. Homer Simpson... something like that. Get better HD, TCM!!!!!!
****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
Sunday, June 03, 2012
Hick Fight
No, the thing that stands out pretty well is the cast, so let's get into that. Kevin Costner's star has fallen a bit since the 90s, but he takes a risk here playing the titular head of the Hatfields, because his character's not terribly sympathetic. Nor the Hatfields in general, for that matter. Bill Paxton does solid work as the titular head of the McCoy clan, but I must confess that I couldn't help but wonder what Tom Wilkinson would've done with the role. Going in credits order, we come next to Matt Barr, the eye candy of the piece, and the story's proverbial Romeo. There's a couple Juliets. The first is Roseanna McCoy played by Lindsay Pulsipher, who simply pulsates in the tragic role. I dare say that she's the new Karen Sillas, but there's no photo of her, so never mind. The next is Jena Malone, who's clearly the new Mary-Louise Parker. She also does a fine job. I've liked her since Contact! And Tom Berenger was damn near unrecognizable when I first saw him. He's clearly left his Substitute days behind, and relishes playing the bad guy here. Okay, bad-guy-ish. Still, I couldn't help but wonder what Oliver Reed would've done with the role. Same as with the attorney Perry Cline. Somewhere between Oliver Reed and Jon Lovitz with him. He did okay as the attorney; frankly, I'm still on the fence. Powers Boothe was also pretty good as the judge of the Hatfield family. Mare Winningham does superb as the McCoy matriarch. There's her moment when she's had enough of the feud and walks into the Hatfield firing squad holding up two pistols. And of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention alpha-male Andrew Howard as 'Bad Frank' Phillips, the Pinkerton turned hired outlaw. He rides high for a while but follows a strangely similar arc as Robert Ford, whose celebrity days end in bloodshed. Howard was excellent in the role... still, I couldn't help but wonder what James Russo would've done with it. Last but not least, there's Andy Gathergood as Skunkhair Tom Wallace, and I couldn't help but wonder what Adrien Brody would've...
In conclusion, I question the veracity of the plot of Hatfield & McCoy, but ultimately I think Johnse had the right idea when he decided to go to Oregon and leave all that bad karma behind.
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-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
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