Short Reviews - September 2012

Oh, the Variety Top 100's too depressing.  Meanwhile, in Facebook world, no one can bear to tell Lark Voorhies that she's "like"-ing too many things.  Eyewash stations, for God's sake!!



The Master - There will be ego

Robocop 3 - Why have Robocop at all?  It takes, what, about 20 minutes before he appears?

Best of the Best 3 - Besides the white supremacist group, what exactly makes this an entry in the Best of the Best series?

Hotel Transylvania 3D - You can't fool the people all the time, Sandler!  But at least the animation looks better than Eight Crazy Nights.

Hope Springs

Hope Floats

Chrystal - We didn't make it past that first sex scene.  Biblical relations is apparently a group sport in that part of the world...

Branded - iPhone Bar Code: The Motion Picture

Dizzy Heights and Daring Hearts - Good green screen effects for the period

They're Out of the Business - Stupid filmmakers.  They take a perfectly good porno and surround it with ninety plus minutes of yap yap yap!  What were they thinking?

To the Arctic 3D - To the video shelf!

Born to be Wild 3D - Boy!  Warner Bros. is biting the big one on lots of these!

Here Comes the Boom - Say goodbye to flesh and blood

No other place around the place, I reckon.......

Our next Stooge film is The Three Troubledoers.  Here's hoping my homework load doesn't conspire against me this week as well!!

ACT ONE

...come to think of it, isn't this really what any and every Stooge film could be called?  They've had a couple of titles like that; the one that most immediately comes to mind is Idiots Deluxe, but that one of course implies that they're making an extra effort in that one.  In The Three Troubledoers, we start with the three troubledoers in question, the Stooges, walking down a path that's probably been worn down by the footsteps of many a TV Western cast that came before... okay, maybe not.  I must be thinking of the '50s.  Then you'll really start to see some Western action in places like this! 
Moe gets the action going by saying "Well, we're pulling into town, pardners.  We better spruce up!"  They start brushing themselves off, and we find that they're positively covered in dust.  Lol.  Curly lets out a particularly meaty fake sneeze at about 0:42.  The screenwriters must've planned for this, because Moe tells him to "eat his dust like a man."  Moe wonders aloud what town they're approaching.  As we find out, they're able to read this time, and we see a sign that says "Dead Man's Gulch."  The sign's lorded over by a toothless old man whose job is to update the population number on the sign.  As you may have guessed, the number drops regularly in this lawless Western town.  The boys seem hesitant to proceed, and rightly so.  Moe summons up the group courage that they lack individually.  "Are we mice or men?" asks Moe.  Larry and Curly say "MICE!" in unison.  "Don't get personal," says Moe.  They proceed.
Next scene: we abruptly leave the Stooges for now, as it's time to lay grander plot foundations.  The sheriff of Dead Man's Gulch just got shot.  That's the fifth sheriff in six months.  Can you even doubt that the Stooges have a future in law enforcement?  They, who spent most of the years of the Great Depression running from authority?  Is it no longer ironic?
After some quick exposition about the sheriff and the gang of baddies what done him in, it's back to the Stooges, who are now busy dropping their mule off at the blacksmith.  Enter a crying Christine McIntyre.  I probably shouldn't confess this, but I'm just a sucker for curls.  The Stooges quickly run to her side to console her.  She's not the femme fatale this time.  No, she's the blacksmith's daughter... or maybe she's the blacksmith.  In any case, her father's disappeared, most likely "dry gulched" by Badlands Blackie.  Don't look it up on urbandictionary.com, that's all I'm saying.  We get more description of Badlands Blackie... is it Dick Curtis?  Most likely.  Curly lifts everyone's spirits, declaring that Badlands Blackie's nothing compared to Coney Island Curly, laughing at about 1:49 or so. 
Next scene: Badlands Blackie enters the shop, and in the grand tradition of Manliness, he completely ignores the Stooges and walks right up to McIntyre, offering his rather indecent marriage proposal.  Even ignoring Curly's verbal pleasantries!  Wow.  I know I say this a lot, but this has got to be Dick Curtis' grandest performance yet.  If this were a feature length Western, he'd be hailed as one of the great Western villains... or at least, one of the goofiest.  Disney oughta sue!  The Stooges man up, and poke Blackie in the chest.  Larry asks "What's the idea of picking on a girl?"  We'll leave that alone for now.  Blackie quickly processes Moe and Larry with a horseshoe, and now it's up to Curly.  Nell winces in embarrassment.  Curly goes for his gun, but gets the whole gunbelt instead.  Blackie manages to grab the gunbelt from Curly's hands and throws it away.  It lands near the fire; ooh!  Good screenwriting!  Think also of an opening episode in The Man who would be King.  Blackie pushes Curly down (really?  Not a stuntman?), and Curly lands ass first on a horseshoe with nails in it.  We don't get a good view of it as we do of Ollie's foot in The Music Box, but there will be agony nonetheless.  A shame, too, because it's stuck near the tramp stamp area as opposed to more humorously in the cheek area proper.
Blackie looks on in contempt, and we get another glimpse of the gunbelt near the flames.  Blackie's tone changes from laid back to angry at about 3:07, insisting that Nell accept his indecent marriage proposal.  But, to stretch out the length of the film, Blackie says he'll leave and when he returns, her answer a'better be yes.  The troubledoers... I mean, the Stooges hiss in response.  This is what they're reduced to.  Kinda sad.  Blackie, however, doesn't like loud noises, and doesn't react well to the Stooges' hissing... but it's an interesting reaction nonetheless, at about 3:18.  Maybe Blackie's a heavy drinker.
Blackie goes over to heap more physical abuse upon the Stooges that they would otherwise be heaping upon themselves.  Suddenly... BOOM!  The fire lights up the bullets in Curly's belt and they start flying.  Blackie starts shooting in response.  This is all very distressing for Nell.  Moe and Larry take cover.  Blackie runs out of the blacksmith shop and falls into the horse trough.  See what I mean?  Eccentric.  Blackie runs off to find some dry clothes.
And probably escape the hailing bullets.  And now, budding young screenwriters of all ages... it's time for the Hail the Conquering Hero-esque farcical elements to rear their ugly, obvious heads.  Rosencrantz and Guildenstern here, whom we met earlier consorting with the town elder, see Blackie running off, hear the gunfire, put two and two together and have found their new sheriff, a man brave enough to send Badlands Blackie packing.  But who could it be?  Time to barge right into the crime scene and find out.  Meanwhile, like a durned fool, Curly's holding the smoking gun and n'yuk ny'uking quietly to himself.  The two serious men quickly make Curly the new sheriff.  A blow to law enforcement agencies everywhere... but is this the first one?  I think it might be.  This is what I get for not converting the Stooge plot elements into XML code.
I can't figure out who the guy with the big-ass moustache is, but he seems like the real deal.  What on earth he's doing in a Stooge film, I'll never know.  Moe and Larry are made deputies; they just don't know it yet.  One of the guys gets in a good joke, depending on your point of view: when Curly says "$100/month?  Oh boy!  I'll be able to get married!" the non-mustachio'd fella says "See?  I told you he was a brave man!"  Subtle.  I know, I know, I'm just a sexist pig.  Reminds me!  I haven't even had breakfast yet!
Curly's honeymoon period with his new job begins in proper at about 4:18, making machine gun-ish noises with his pistol.  Curly quickly proposes to Nell.  The somber Nell will marry Curly on one condition: he brings Blackie to justice and gets her father back.  It's love at first sight.  Curly gobbles like a turkey YET AGAIN in McIntyre's presence at about 4:32.  Well, she's worth it, what can be said?
Curly plays the alpha-Stooge and calls Moe and Larry over.  They come out of hiding and quickly accept their new deputy badges.  The grim Nell points out that law enforcement officials don't last long in the town of Dead Man's Gulch.  This slowly sinks in, and Larry expresses extreme concern at about 4:59, which is surely his highlight in this picture.  Moe and Larry, ever the practical ones, decide to split, but Curly stands his ground in the name of love.  Moe wins the argument with a slap and a blow to Curly's tummy, and Curly gets pulled along, leaving Nell alone as the scene fades out.  Why, she looks like an angel as the darkness consumes the frame!

ACT TWO

Next scene: as often happens, time for training.  Brando did it in One-Eyed Jacks, Robocop did it in Robocop (1987), and now Curly's doing it here.  First up: shooting practice.  Curly, a bit overdressed for the occasion, thinks he needs his glasses.  As you can currently tell from the message board, this complication leads to some laughs.  Then, they each take their positions.  Moe's got two balloons, Larry's holding up a cracker, and Curly's holding up the gun.  Curly's got his glasses and aims for the cracker.  He shoots.  One of Moe's balloons deflates.  Not bad!  Curly must've just grazed the balloon, because it slowly and humorously loses its air.  Either that, or Moe let the air out himself.  Sorry, SPOILER ALERT.  Curly n'yuk n'yuks at about 5:57.  I'll be damned if he doesn't remind me of John Lennon.  No one says a word, but Moe's reaction to the balloon says it all.  Silence is the order of the day as Curly aims for his second shot, in the general direction toward Moe's other balloon.  As you might have guessed, the cracker positively explodes in Lawrence's immobilized fingers.  He didn't squeeze the cracker; they actually sprung for some explosives!  They couldn't afford to pop a hole out of the cracker, I suppose.  Curly laughs at his second triumph, then n'yuk n'yuks again at exactly 6:09.
Time for practice of a different kind.  As the room grows larger, we see that there's a giant Blackie-sized mannequin in the room.  The Stooges go over to it.  The mannequin turns out to have ropes attached to its arms and legs.  Moe and Larry are on puppet detail, while Curly pretends it's the real Blackie.  Think Principal Skinner going to town on that dummy that was supposed to be his mother.  Or Curly going to town on the cop mannequin in A Plumbing we Will Go.  Oops!  SPOILER ALERT.  Sheriff Curly eventually reigns triumphant over the Blackie dummy, but Moe realizes that, to win this fight, they need something more: a long-range weapon.  They leave Curly alone, as they so often do.  We see Larry pouring powder into a pipe that Moe's holding.  Hmm!  Looks like they're making a ... nope, better not use the phrase.  That's how I lost my last job.
Meanwhile, yup... you guessed it.  In walks Blackie on the training session.  Inner sanctum invaded!  The nerve!!!  And he's brought one of his goons with him!  He gestures to the goon to step over to the side.  And then, Blackie puts on his mask and stands right behind Curly.  Blackie may seem awful stupid, but he picks things up fast!  And then, Curly goes to work on Blackie pretending to be the dummy.  Confused yet?  Curly pulls out one of Blackie's beard hairs, pulls off his mask, and starts turkey gobbling in fear, backing up to a big stack of hay bales.  Blackie, all-too accepting of the premise that Curly's now the sheriff, makes the mistake of telling Sheriff Curly that he's going to count to ten before shooting.  This gives ample time for Larry to save Curly's bacon, even though they keep kosher.  But before that happens, they test out Moe's super weapon.  It doesn't go so well... sorry, here's the right spot.
Next scene: the Blacksmith shop.  Man, they must've been short on free locations that week.  Blackie's made a quick recovery from his head injury, and is back to pester poor ol' Nell some more.  Nell relents, saying she'll marry Blackie tomorrow.  Blackie says "Nope, it's gotta be today.  There's too many things going on 'round here that aren't to my liking," clutching the tender spot on his skull in agony to prove the point.  Lol.  A meta-laugh.  And off the half-happy couple go.  Blackie laughs a bit like Tex Avery at about 8:10 or so.
Blackie and Nell head immediately over to the offices of the Justice of the Peace.  I didn't know they had office space for them back then!  To stretch this pic's time out to sixteen minutes, the Justice isn't in the office right now, so Blackie sends the kid what told him that to go fetch him.  The Stooges are outside, viewing all these plot develpoments in secret, but put two and two together right quick somehow.  As usual, time for good ol' reliable Victor Travers to fill the part of Justice of the Peace, just like he did in Oily to Bed, Oily to Rise.  The Stooges subdue Travers, relieve him of his wig, and Curly dons the wig and takes the judge's place.  Clever, clever!  A Trojan Stooge!
Meanwhile, another of Blackie's stooges shows up: a fella named ... Quirt?  Sounds like a bubble in a bathtub.  He's played by actor Blackie Whiteford.  I get the strange feeling that that's not his real name, but no one's bothered to find out what it is.  Maybe Ephraim Katz has done the research.  I remember Whiteford best as that pushy sheriff that tries that cactus remedy in that one episode a few episodes back.  Anyway, Curly enters at about 0:37, doing an impeccable impression of Victor Travers.  Curly thinks he has to show Nell that it's actually him and not a real Justice of the Peace, and he does at 0:47.  She shrieks in response, and frankly I don't blame her one bit.  Hopefully, she's reconsidering her vow to Curly.  Curly tries to stall, but goes through the motions nonetheless.  He says "The book... oh, yes the book" at about 0:56.  Great delivery.  Curly asks for the ring.  Curly is so impressed with it, that he puts it on his own pinky.  Blackie doesn't like this, but still doesn't suspect the veracity of the "Justice."  He grabs for the ring much like he did with Curly's gun earlier: a little drunkenly.  As the tug of war goes on for the ring on Curly's finger, Curly's wig comes loose from its shabby moorings.  One of Blackie's goons figures it out and tries to show Blackie that the Justice is a wolf in shabby clothing.  Curly still tries to pitch woo with Nell as the dude dangles the wig over Curly's head.  What a sight.  Blackie figures it out and lets out a Mitt Romney-esque laugh.  And then, at about 1:34... Don Knotts is born.  I mean, Blackie totally loses it.  Curly manages to escape, knocking down Blackie's goons in the process.  "Get 'im, boys!  Get 'im!," Blackie says over and over again, thinking the director already yelled cut. 
Next scene: the barn, where Curly's running at his new top speed.  Bad time for a pivot foot, but pivot he does ne'theless at about 1:43.  Oh, there's more action to come in the third Act, folks, believe me.  Curly again has to hide in loose hay.
Back to Blackie and Nell.  Blackie decides that they need to go to his hideout at Skullbone Pass to get married, away from all this needless excitement.  Nell's either very passive aggressive or a really good negotiator, or Blackie's just an ol' softie when it comes to dames, because he agrees with Nell's demands.  She'll meet him there at sundown.  After all, Blackie's got all the cards, and Nell's dad as a captive prisoner at that.  Blackie exits.  Meanwhile, Blackie's goons enter the barn, looking for Curly.  We get a shot of Curly's head at about 2:23.  The one goon starts sifting through the hay with a pitchfork.  Finding nothing, he quickly gives up and throws the pitchfork away.  It of course lands in the comical part of Curly's ass.  Curly can't help but make a noise.  The bad guys think it was a dog, so Curly doubles down, yapping like a dog some more.  Teachable moment here, kids: sometimes less is more.  The goons aren't a bit daft like their fearless leader, and quickly locate the yapping Curly, despite his protestations at about 2:46.  To stretch things out some more, the goons stick to the premise that Blackie wants to shoot Curly himself, so the two just tie him up instead.  In keeping with the dog theme, the goons cruelly put a giant human-sized dog collar on Curly.  Curly makes a noise I never heard him make before at about 3:02.  I'm disgusted and attracted simultaneously.  I can't explain, or believe, it.  But I better proceed with the rest of this review all the same.  The bad guys leave, and one of them says "We'll see you later, Rover!"  Curly starts barking in earnest now.  Now he's pissed, and frankly you should be too.

ACT THREE

Where were they when he needed them?  Moe and Larry enter from Stage Left.  They end up moving Stage Right after coming round the hay bales when they come.  Hoh boy... time for another time stretcher.  For you and me, getting a giant human neck-sized dog collar off somebody is probably a simple affair, but the Stooges are working on a shoestring of a budget and have to make it complicated.  First up: chisel and hammer.  Moe starts banging away at the collar, unsuccessfully of course.  First he hits Larry's hand, then he hits Curly in the head.  Curly just as instantly says "I don't think that'll woik!"  Lol.  Second up: the crowbar.  Oh no... he's not going to do like Cactus Makes Perfect, is he?  Yes, he is!  Let Curly's agony continue unabated!  ...sadly, it doesn't last as long.  Curly spies a box of dynamite and finds that to be a better option at this point.  Moe gladly abides.  So now Curly's got a lit stick of dynamite next to his head.  That's my Christmas card this year, that's all there is to it.  Just gotta think of a suitable caption now; two of them: one for my liberal friends, one for my Tea Party friends.
Fortunately for the Moral Fabric of the Universe, which I think is what they were trying to recreate in 2008's Wanted, the casual use of dynamite doesn't go condoned here.  The fuse goes out (it never does that in cartoons, does it?) and Curly throws it out the window, where it loudly explodes.  The whole barn shakes, and the Stooges try in vain to regain their balance.  How to get Curly's collar off?  Larry picks up a saw and says "Hey!  Why don'tcha SAW it off?"  Great delivery.  Curly takes the collar off so they can start sawing it... Roger Rabbit, anyone?  No time for physical abuse, though.  They've stretched time too much already, and now they've got to catch up to the plot.  But first, Moe grabs his "secret weapon," which is either the world's worst bazooka or a really lame pipe bomb.  Or maybe it's a crude version of that pipe bomb they had at the beginning of Saving Private Ryan.  There's probably a technical term for what that was.  Moe quickly lays down the exposition of the rest of the film at 4:30, and they're off to save Pournelle... I mean, poor Nell.  As with the subduing of the Justice of the Peace, we get another quick edit when the boys run into the barn with saddles, we hear the neighing and winnying of horses, and after the edit we see the Stooges on a three-seat tandem, pedaling away to Skullbone Pass.  See?  I TOLD you there'd be more action to come!
Next scene: Skullbone Pass.  You can tell from the sign.  Blackie finds the Skullbone Pass Justice of the Peace.  He works part time now, but he'll suffice.  Ride the High Country strangely comes to mind.  Blackie says "She's got 'til sundown!" then looks outside at the sun.  It's a cartoon sun, and it dips below the horizon, then back up.  Don Knotts is born again at 5:10.
Cross-wipe to next scene: the adrenaline gets flowing in earnest now as we see the Stooges pedaling away across terrain soon to be overused in a thousand TV Westerns.  Back to Blackie, who fires a shot to make an announcement.  Drinks on the house!  How he plans to pay for that, I don't know.  The small assembled group of cowboys and prostitutes rushes the bar to partake.  Enter sweet, innocent Nell.  Blackie positively beams with pride in saying "Here she is!  The future Mrs. Blackie!  Ain't she purdy?"  Back to the Stooges for a short burst, riding around a corner about to be rounded in countless future TV Westerns.  Back to the bittersweet reunion of Nell and Blackie, where Blackie has to fend off the perceived advances of the filthy rotund bartender.  Blackie sends him for the wedding cake.  Oh boy!  You know what always happens to cakes in a Stooge film!  Tis rare to have a wedding cake in a Western, Stooge or otherwise.  Blackie's goons try to warn him, but Blackie's still got matrimony with a capital M on his mind.  Back to the Stooges on their bike.  They're well overdue to fall off it... whew!  Thank goodness.  The Stooges see the cartoon sun going down, making a slide whistle sound.  Then, there's a brief awkward silence when the sun stops; God bless 'em for that.  The Stooges continue riding.
Back to the saloon wedding, where Blackie threatens the Justice of the Peace for taking too long.  Back to the Stooges riding, riding, RIDING!!!  Then, Moe runs afoul of a low-hanging tree branch at 6:26.  They had to dub in his lines later.  Back to the wedding, where the preacher asks for the ring.  Blackie doesn't have it, so he helps himself to the ring of one of the bridesmaids.  The preacher starts to take the ring for himself.  What is the deal?  Did that happen a lot way back when or something?  Blackie gets mad.  Next scene: the Stooges finally arrive in busy downtown Skullbone Pass, park their bike, and prepare for some big time ass-whooping.  Nell gets cold feet at the moment of truth, so Blackie orders his goons to fetch her pappy.  Glass breaks, and Curly yells "Stop in the name of the law!"  Something strangely comforting about that, even coming from Curly.  Bullets begin to hail.  The Stooges seem very, very outgunned.  They ready their secret weapon.  Moe says "Give 'em the woiks!"  The weapon gloriously malfunctions at about 6:59, and Moe gets hit by a spring.  Reminds me of a sound effect in Loose Loot... no time to link to it, unless by popular demand.  And then... BOOM!  At 7:05, down goes Wedding Cake.
Next scene: the powder shack, where so many cartoons have their big finale.  Knighty Knight Bugs, the one where Sylvester makes a remote control plane with machine gun, what have you.  The Stooges run behind it, and Blackie and his goons follow.  For some reason, Blackie, his goons, and the bartender quickly go inside and politely shut the door behind them.  I guess they're just idiots.  The Stooges appear around the side of it; I can't tell if there was an edit or not on the tiny YouTube screen.  There probably was.  The Stooges then run to take position and start loading the secret weapon... wasn't it loaded before?  Did all the contents fall out when Moe held it upside down?  No time for such rational questions, we gotta wrap this puppy up.  Larry puts a ... you know, when seven sticks of dynamite are all taped together.  Like they have in the cartoons.  A septet?  The sticks are lit and loaded into the secret weapon.  The bad guys emerge from the powder shack, and start shooting.  The Stooges haven't prepared for that, and Moe in desperation just throws the secret weapon as hard as he can.  When it hits the ground, it fires, seemingly away from the powder shack, but nevertheless, in the next scene we see the bad guys running back into the powder shack, followed by a slow-speed fireball.  Up in smoke goes the whole powder shack.

EPILOGUE

Nell goes to examine the wreckage.  To save time, Nell's father is in the powder shack rubble.  Nell tells father that Curly's the man she promised to marry.  As with Our Wife, the father doesn't like the idea.  It probably didn't help when Curly said "Hello poppy ol' pappy ol' kid!"  In fact, the father says "Why, I'd rather be dead!"  Curly helps out by lighting a stick of dynamite and giving it to Nell's father.  You'd think that the father would change his mind, seeing that Curly's at least trying to be helpful, but no.  The father takes a few steps, and hangs on to the stick.  Finally!  Some classy drama in these proceedings.  The ending's a little weak, but I'm still a sucker for these Stooge flicks strongly rooted in recognizable drama archetypes, such as the Western.

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - John Jeffcoat

Why not?  I just watched his 2006 Outsourced, and now it's a TV show.  This kid's going places!  Hopefully, not to India to direct!!!

Genndy Tossed-Off-sky

In retrospect, I should've gone with "Barnz Burner" but we'll get to that soon enough.  Yes, after his last couple projects... I never thought I'd say this, but Adam Sandler needed a hit!  There was his producing of a movie whose name I dare not even speak (but I will provide the link to), there was I Hate You, Dad... I mean, That's My Boy which sank like a stone..  of course, I overestimate the precariousness of his situation.  Columbia owns Sandler lock, stock and barrel and they're still quite happy over the long term, but the short term's been a little bit of a headache lately.  Which is why the Number One-ing of Hotel Transylvania is all the sweeter, and it just shows to go you that the American moviegoing population will still buy the same old Sandler cast in their new Pixar outfits.  They're all here: Buscemi, Jacqueline Titone, David Spade, Jon Lovitz, Kevin James... all the O'Doyles and horny old grandmothers you can handle in a Pixar-like PG setting.
The other debuts this week include Looper, the hot new time travel sci-fi adventure that's got the critics buzzing, there's David Eng's 2005 movie Perfect Pitch... I mean, Susana Matos' 2012 short film Perfect Pitch... I mean, Nick Hornby's novel Fever Pitch... I mean, Daniel John Harris' 2011 short film Pitcher Perfect... okay, I think I finally got the right one.  The 2002 documentary about the gauntlet that TV shows have to run, The Perfect Pitch.  I mean, if Judd Apatow can't call some of the shots at this point, what hope is there for the rest of us?  Am I right?   Oh, and something called Savršeni korak made its debut as well.  Anna Kendrick's finally the star of something!
And just in time to poke fun at Obama's choice of music, it's Daniel Barnz's anti-union screed Won't Back Down.  That's right, that Daniel Barnz.  Oh, he's big!  Olsen-twins big!  Then again, you don't often hear Spielberg complain about greedy, greedy unions.

Angry war birds

It's the best I can do, sorry.  And frankly, it's more trouble than it's worth.  The Stooges haven't revisited the Civil War lately, but apparently Columbia was doing a Civil War pic that week, so back we go!  Time for Uncivil Warriors... I mean, Uncivil War Birds.

ACT ONE

Well, I give 'em credit: they use different opening music, of a more Civil War flavor if you will!  The film itself opens with the same flavor, of course, deep in the heart of Culver City.  Moe's line is heavily dubbed in: "I could do this forever and ever!"  We see each Stooge individually wooing their own Southern belles.  They must be well off in this one, otherwise it wouldn't work.  Curly's on a teeter totter with his gal, and he ends up lightly falling off.  Larry gets kissed and we hear that Cuckoo on a Choo Choo sound... just the fizzling part.  Then, it's settled.  They're all getting married, but Curly can't get a soul to shake his damn hand!  And when he insists, Moe and Larry tag team him!!  Not a good omen.
More bad news.  The handsome young bringer of bad news informs the six of them that the Civil War has just started.  War always seems to interrupt love and marriage, especially on the silver screen.  The only question is: which side of the war is the state the Stooges are in?  It's half and half!  The Stooges vow to join up anyway.  Moe speculates Rumsfeld-style about how long the war will last: "Oh, about a week.  It takes time to win a war, you know!"  Perfect.  I predict they'll lose the war in about 16 minutes.  Larry gets a few lines, while Curly gets to back up into a horse!  Hardest working Stooge in the biz.
Next scene: the same front of the same house, where Moe and Larry emerge from Stage Left in ... are they Confederate uniforms?  I wish they'd make that clear.  Larry gets to do the ol' "there's no other place around the place" routine that everyone's just sick of, and gets poked in the eyes for it.  Curly arrives from Stage Right in an opposite uniform.  The seeds of comedy have been planted, and we'll spend the rest of the film harvesting their golden fruits.  First fruit: an entire regimen of ... the type of soldiers that Moe and Larry are come a'marchin' up.  Moe and Larry declare that Curly's their prisoner... and, of course, they have told Curly to keep his mouth shut and play along.  "Where will we put him?" asks John Tyrrell.  "The smokehouse, I reckon!" says Moe.
At this point, the commanding officer starts issuing marching orders.  He barks "Left face!" and for once, someone other than a Stooge gets hit by a rifle!  ...okay, maybe it happened before.  I haven't been keeping that close a track of it, I confess... whew!  Got my cursor back!  Maybe this will work better in Internet Explorer; there's always a first.
Next scene: the smokehouse, where Moe is reminded verbally again to lock up Curly.  Moe and Larry search for the key.  Curly gives the key to Moe.  There's a metaphor for the South there someplace.  Just then, we see a bunch of Union soldiers chasing a bunch of Confederate soldiers!  Back to Curly, who's getting let out of the smokehouse by Moe and Larry.  Soon enough, it's Curly's turn to lock up Moe and Larry.  Moe gives Curly the key.  There's a metaphor there someplace... Anyway, I may be the only one who's confused, but the confusion is finally cleared up by Larry at about 4:51, saying that he and Moe need to get Confederate uniforms, like Curly's got.  So there you have it.  The Stooges are basically decent people, not content with keeping up the little game of arbitrage they've got going in the midst of this bloody battle.

ACT TWO

Though the Stooges' hearts belong to Dixie, they're not above stealing the shirt off their fellow Southerner's back.  The trio comes across two Confederate soldiers at the face washin' trough.  They're both the Stooges' size, but how to get their uniforms?  As is sometimes the Case, Curly gets the divine spark of inspiration.  We see a shot of some busy-ass ants on the ground.  Curly scoops up some ant-laden dirt and dumps it down the soldiers' pants.  It does the trick, and soon the soldiers are running around, letting out unsettlingly high-pitched squeals as they do battle with the ants in their pants.  Curly sits by with arms folded as the two throw their pants away, completely unaware in their pain and suffering that Curly's even there.  And so, Moe and Larry have Confederate pants... the two soldiers seem to still have their jackets, but never mind.
Meanwhile... the smokehouse is empty!  The Confederate regimen make this discovery, and begin to search the surrounding area.  Next scene: the inside of a barn, where Moe and Larry are putting their pants on.  Approaching voices are heard, so Curly springs into action.  He's already holding a pitchfork, so he starts ladling giant helpings of hay over Moe and Larry.  Now, either the hay's really heavy, or they get what's going on and play along... nah, that can't be it.  Curly piles on a couple more helpings of hay at about 12 fps, then starts pretending to churn butter.  The coast clears, and Moe and Larry reemerge from the hay.  Larry threatens either the Fourth Wall or the Suspension of Disbelief by saying "This war'll be over by the time we change our clothes!"  Curly loses his cap in the hay, finds it, then puts it on with a big bunch of hay in it, then clears away the hay.  He can stretch the material as thin as anybody, my friends.  Meanwhile, Moe confuses his coat with pants... didn't Letterman do that sketch several times?  We see Larry struggling with a small coat, then it's back to the action.  The Confederate regimen retreats from the firing Union regimen.  Fade to black.
Next scene: a non-sequitur, where the Stooges enter a fancy mansion.  They each grab a golf ball out of a bowl and take a bite.  Maybe it's lemon meringue, who knows.  They walk into a room and sadly see well after the rest of us that they've wandered into a Union den.  They spit their collective mouthfuls of food out, and the Union men surround the Stooges.  They surrender all too quickly, but Moe provides the caveat "We surrender, but only to General Grovelbump."  "Who's General Grovelbump?" asks Theodore Lorch.  Don't tell me........................ yup, it's time for the ol' "walks like this" routine.  Aware of the moldiness of this bit, Moe says "General Grovelbump don't walk... he RUNS!!!"  Exit Stage Right, with the Union men in hot pursuit.  The Stooges go through a door.  Lorch opens the door and knocks three Union men out in the process.  This is how the Keystone Kops got started, apparently.  Small price to pay to be a Yankee, I suppose.  Lorch gets to ad-lib a little bit before the cross-fade.
Next scene: the Stooges apparently stayed in the house and changed costumes again.  Their costume?  Three ... um... let's say Negroes.  Another small price to pay for being a Yankee, the Yankee soldiers confess that they're out-soldiered.  They haven't even noticed the Stooges yet!  The Stooges make a huddle: if they can alert their fellow Confederates of the Yankee's precarious position, they can end the war and, more importantly, get married!  ...what did Moe say?  Never mind.  It's agreed: the boys will attempt to steal the Union map.  They perform a rousing rendition of "Way down South in New York City" for the Union soldiers.  Let's all sing along, shall we?

Oh, way down South in New York City
The cotton grows on the trees so pretty
On the trees?  On the trees!
In the South?
South Brooklyn... (lol)

Oh, South of the Bronx where I was born
The songs are rotten and the jokes are corn
Look away!  Get away!
Get away, Trish, we're hungry..

...I think that's what they say.  Time to stretch out this pic... I mean, time to dance!  At least, until Curly's face paint starts coming off.  The boys run off again, and Theodore Lorch knocks out three Union soldiers with one door again.  Oh, those Yankees never learn.
Next scene: another part of the house.  The Stooges hide beside a door.  Lorch comes through the door, and Larry hits him with his banjo.  A mighty Ka-Bong rings out... I mean, rings out.  Curly removes his two cabbages and makes room for the two Union maps.
Next scene: the barn again, where Moe and Larry have Union uniforms, and Curly's stuck with his Confederate uniform again.  This all seems very familiar.  We hear voices.  Moe covers Curly with hay this time.  Three Union soldiers go into the barn to find Moe and Larry churning butter and singing.  There's a brief frame blow up at about 3:30.  Two Union soldiers start sifting through the hay with their bayonets; one of whom is the Stooge regular who usually plays thugs and heavies.  His specialty is turning and looking.  Moe says "We're just making butter!"  Lol.  They find Curly and ruin their bayonets in the process.  The punishment is not just the smokehouse this time: it's getting shot as well!  Too much excitement.  I better do the rest later.

ACT THREE

Running out of time; better warp this up.  Well, the boys are hard at work emptying the powder out of the other soldiers' bullets.  Then, there's a mixup with the guns, Larry ends up firing a shot at the wrong time.  Curly ends up disguised as a scarecrow, and he falls off a wagon.  Moe and Larry look at him with stupid expressions on their faces at about 9:23.  The three are triumphant and end up going back home via sled, with Larry cracking the whip on the other two!

EPILOGUE

They have a 3-way marriage, and all is well.  In unison, the three couples hug, the boys end up pouring their cold drinks down their wives' back, the wives' throw their drinks into the Stooges' faces, then the wives end up strangling their husbands.  When you get right down to it, folks... aren't all marriages just like that?

***

Good double bill with: Mooching through Georgia, if you can find it... well, shut my mouth!  Whoomp, there it is!  YouTube's got everything.

Auteur Watch - ... any suggestions?

Trouble with the Chair....

Am I the only one who remembers?  It may have been a mere two weeks ago or so... but the box office chugs on.  And despite advertising the holy begeezus out of it, Clint Eastwood's movie only comes in third!  Wow.  I hope they got the Koch brothers to put up the money for the TV ads or something.  No, people want that gritty crime drama stuff instead, and Jake Gyllenhaal's just the guy to give it to them.  His End of Watch comes in #1 by a sizeable margin now.  On Sunday the #1 and #2 movies were neck and neck at $13 million apiece.  Worth the wait for the more specific numbers.  Of course, for those of us who've seen one too many David Ayer movies, it might not seem all that fresh and new.  Just saying.
Meanwhile, being Jennifer Lawrence is a really good idea right now.  Hunger Games, X-Men... but this is where it all pays off: starring in your very own B-movie in between the giant A-list projects.  I'd try to just let Elisabeth Shue talk your ear off, though, J. Law.  She could be your grandmother, for God's sake!  She was big in the 80s, and that was a long, long time ago.  Trust your own instincts, girly girl.
And of course, there's Dredd 3D and Paul Thomas Anderson's The Master.  Man!  Five debuts this week!  I hope I never see more than that in a given week!

The Fall of the House of Boulle

Or, phasing out, rather.  I didn't see his name in the credits of this so-titled "Planet of the Apes" film.  Anyway, I must be going around the bend now, because this film seemed to hit me somewhere deep.  I tried to write it off as a mere puff piece, but I couldn't!  The Chimp-pocalypse is upon us and it's practically unstoppable... even if it is just confined to the Golden Gate Bridge, and points overlooking said bridge from the lush forest a few miles away.  I even found myself rooting for the evil "habitat" assistant that you just knew was going to get his just desserts... I'm assuming it was Dodge Landon.  Normally, sure, he should get what's coming to him, but this is war!  Monkey war.  There are no atheists in foxholes, and sometimes you gotta stand with your species.  Even the dicks.
That being said, this expensive film does raise some issues.  Most pressing of all, why was it in extreme letterbox format on my expensive new HDTV?  I'm no longer pining for the old days of watching letterbox DVDs on my old analog TVs anymore.  Fill the screen, damn it!  Same thing happened with Superman II.  It's letterboxed, and got huge black space on the left and right.  No.  I want the HDTV screen totally filled up.  Which might not have been a good idea with Rise of the Planet of the Apes, because the film seems to be shot on digital video of a much grainier variety than usual.  Surprising, given that it's the work of Academy Award winner Andrew Lesnie of Lord of the Rings fame.  Yeah, that guy!  What gives?  I know the future of cinema's upon us, and it really will be possible someday to make a whole movie like this on one laptop, but c'mon!  Oh, right... guess I forfeit my right to complain.
I should probably delve into the labyrinthine plot.  Handsome Renaissance man James Franco, who has done everything from portraying James Dean to the stoner in Pineapple Express, plays the bland protagonist that we relate to here, except that he's a super-brainy scientist who's about to create a drug that stops Alzheimer's disease.  Apparently it purges the aluminum from the patient's body or something.  Something goes wrong and all the chimps in his experiment have to be destroyed... but one is saved, a newborn named Caesar.  And much like the dictator he's named after, Caesar's destined for great things... unlike, say, the monkey in Monkey Shines.
And, continuing the recent trend in movie protagonists, the protagonist can no longer walk away from career and salary to prove a point.  Franco stays on at the international drug company where he's employed, despite them totally bitch-slapping him back into place when he gets too Hippocratic on their asses.  Meanwhile, his dad (John Lithgow) is living with him and Caesar the chimpanzee.  Boy, the Right Wing must be confounded by this movie with this clearly non-traditional family.  Franco gets revenge on his corporate masters by sneaking some of the Alzheimer's drug out of the company labs and using it on his ailing father.  Father gains clarity once again, and rises like Charly to use his newly sharpened mental faculties to their fullest capacity all the time, mostly on piano.  Spoiler alert: alas, it does not last, and Franco tries to relay the bad news to his boss.  The boss is only interested in profits, however, and is satisfied if the drug works over the short term.  We need a stronger FDA.
While this subplot with the dad is going on, we see Caesar the chimp age over about ten years.  Caesar's adolescence arrives with a mighty cinematic climb to the tallest tree in the California redwoods close to the Golden Gate bridge.  As this climb occurs, we get a title card at the bottom of the screen for an unusually long time, saying ... I think it said "Caesar: five years old."  The sequence also appears to be totally fake, generated by an HP laptop or something.  How far we've come in this CGI revolution of ours.  Needless to say, if you buy the premise of Caesar doubling as the son Franco never had, well... the filmmakers treat it as serious as a heart attack.
As for me, in addition to the evil chimp caretaker who gets his just desserts, there's also Franco's neighbor with a short fuse who runs afoul of damn, dirty Caesar a couple times.  I dare not spoil his ultimate part in this plot, but I can understand his frustration, given the pay cuts in his profession in recent years.  The beast is definitely getting starved, and as America slowly becomes a banana republic like its neighbours to the South, we're all too ripe for a primate takeover led by a charismatic chimp.  Hell, cougars are taking over abandoned houses in Detroit, right?

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

You must be THIS manly to watch this movie

In this picture: Warrior actor Joel Edgerton (left) and... who else?  Ahmet Zappa (right)

William Friedkin once said that the MPAA ratings system is all wrong.  Yes, apparently he thinks there should be a rating system to alert less discriminating families that might blame Hollywood for warping their childrens' minds, and maybe he's on to something with his suggestion for giving movies a "D" for dumb.  Warrior works hard to avoid earning its 'D', but alas, it seems to merit one.  However, for some reason my fragile world was profoundly shaken by an article titled "The Eternal Adolescence of Pop Culture."  Just the title, mind you; I didn't actually read the article.  Friedkin's system could easily add "A" for adolescent (e.g., every Adam Sandler pic) and "T" for testosterone (e.g., Stallone and Warrior).
At the intersection of Rocky I and The Company Men lives writer/director Gavin O'Connor's Warrior, which replaces boxing with mixed martial arts, and the grassroots beginnings of Rocky with our current Bain-fueled downsizing of America... well, arguably that doesn't change so much.  Spoiler alert: I'm going to gleefully trash the movie, so save yourselves now.  The Village Voice and The Onion leave me no choice: somebody's got to do it.  Let's leave aside for now the director's cameo as the billionaire ex-hedge fund manager who funds the big MMA contest called "Sparta." 
This epic drama starts off earnestly enough with Nick Nolte as "Paddy" Conlon, a notorious trainer of fighters back in his heyday, who sacrificed his family life for professional clout.  Enter his two unforgiving sons: one Tommy Riordan/Conlon (Tom Hardy of Dark Knight Rises fame), a childless pill-popping Iraq war deserter who's a hell of a fighter, and one Brendan Conlon (Joel Edgerton), a married with kids high school physics teacher who was a hell of a fighter once upon a time, but who is driven to taking up the pastime once again for economic reasons.  Usually the hero in the movie gives the prize money to charity, but the recession has finally come to Hollywood, at least to a few films.
The two Conlon boys reconnect with Dad but choose not to forgive him for the sins of the past.  Nolte sees his grandkids from afar and is reminded by Brendan to contact either via phone or mail.  As for Tommy, well, it seems that all could have been forgiven if Dad would just have a damn drink.  Dad's 1000 days sober, so he chooses not to.  This leads to fresh enmity, but Tommy still needs a trainer for the big fight, and Dad's the best, so he'll do it Dad's way, but Dad's still not forgiven.  At least, not for now.
Now, you might be thinking to yourself, as I did... is this where this mess is headed?  The two brothers are going to end up in the ring together?  I hate to ruin it for you, but making a movie is still an expensive venture these days, despite digital video, and really, wouldn't it be just as bad if they didn't end up in the ring together?  My viewing companion couldn't take it, and they fast-forwarded through the big final fight scene.  As for me, I'm even more stand-offish.  I still take to heart what that one Simpsons episode did to the mixed martial arts phenomenon, showing it as the result of our increasingly separate culture: streets empty, every guy at home glued to the set, watching two beefy guys pound each other with more freedom than boxers until the tendons in their legs get broken.  I don't care for the sport that much.  My viewing companion was a little more discerning and pointed out that the guys that Brendan were taking on were younger, stronger, faster... but you know how it is.  They're not the protagonist, so they must lose, and rather redundantly, IMHO.  Always with that arm move.  And you know why Brandon's coach uses Beethoven to train his men?  Because it's classy, and the sport by itself could use a little.
Some of the drama rings true, and Nolte was nominated for his gruff performance.  For a second, I thought maybe it was Josh Hartnett with prosthetics.  It was just that good!  Nolte hits his high note when he finally takes to the bottle again.  At least the filmmakers didn't go down the route of having Nolte appear at ringside when in fact he died of a heart attack a few minutes before backstage.

**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Speaking of birds............

Time for our next Stooge short, the classic A Bird in the Head.  Again, I should probably recuse myself, as this was the second Stooge short I ever saw on the old VHS format.  But what about the feelings of those who put those tapes together?  They must've thought that this one was special, too?  The psychological warfare, the chemical warfare in the lab, the inspired performance by Vernon Dent.  Let's not waste another minute.

ACT ONE

We start with the boys in work mode.  Well, they are getting older and they're getting tired of starting things off running from the cops.  For fans of good audio work, notice the voluptuous sounding footsteps as they walk in on the paper on the floor.  They're getting ready to wallpaper a room, but they always manage to find time and reasons for their patented physical abuse.  Moe's foot seems to get pre-hurt by the load Curly drops near it at about 0:41.  Fortunately, the "boss" comes in, a Mr. Beedle, and the Stooges calm down a bit.  Curly takes a liking to that tasty wallpaper paste, adding salt and pepper to it.  Lol.  Mr. Beedle seems concerned, asking Moe if they're sure that they're experienced paperhands.  Moe says yes in so many words, and Beedle goes on his merry way, out into the hall.  He is immediately set upon by the gaunt Nikko, saying "The Master wishes to see you."  No, not the new Paul Thomas Anderson one, but similar.
Enter Vernon Dent, the mad Professor Panzer who seems to have gotten detoured on his way from Germany to Argentina.  He has a habit of asking people what size hat they wear.  You'll find out why.  He most definitely freaks out Fred MacMurray... I mean, Mr. Beedle at about 1:37.  Panzer quickly runs Beedle through Holland... I mean, gets Beedle out of the room when Igor the Ape makes a grab for him, saying "Sorry you're leaving, Mr. Beedle..."  Pretty slick!  Nikko asks for the audience's sake what Panzer plans to do with this guy in a gorilla suit... I mean, gorilla.  Panzer is going to be famous for the first human brain transplant into a gorilla.  Sheesh!  If you want to be famous, why not run for President like Romney?  And yet, the field of interspecies brain transplants to this day languishes on the sidelines.  Go figure.  But no matter what Vernon Dent plays, be it a judge with a short fuse, a Texan who finds out he's going to be a Stooge in-law, or a mad European professor as in the instant case, he always manages to work in a "E...." wherever he can.  For example, he asks Nikko what size hat he wears, saying "E... what size hat do you wear, Nikko?" at about 2:30.  It's subtle, but hardcore Stooge fans depend upon it.
Back to the Stooges unleashing wave after wave of physical abuse upon each other.  I wonder why they never made a film where they're just sitting in chairs, reading a newspaper?  Larry ruins a perfectly good ladder on Moe's neck, while Curly runs afoul of an especially curled up bit of wallpaper.  Final score: Wallpaper 3, Curly 0.  It gets worse.  Moe trips over a plank and orders Larry to "stand it up out of the way."  Larry stands the plank up but it falls back down.  The plank must've hypnotized Larry because Larry hears the thudding of wood, but doesn't think to look behind himself to check it out.  Moe tells Larry to stand the damn plank up!  Plank: 1, Larry: 0.  The same thing happens.  Again note the voluptuous footsteps of Larry.  Plank: 2, Larry: 0.  Moe stands the plank up himself.  Now, the only thing that saved Larry was that he was well out of the plank's way when it fell.  Moe stands the plank up but stays within striking distance.  The plank, however, doesn't fall this time!  Remember that anecdote that Hitchcock told about the ticking time bomb under the table?  Same dynamic here... or maybe it's more of a Wile E. Coyote situation.  Well, Moe's about to put the hurt on Larry, but the plank comes to Larry's aid before things get too out of Moe's hand.  Moe is subdued by the plank.  Larry runs over to Curly, saying "Hey!  We better get busy, he's plenty sore."
And get busy they do, which brings us to the sequence that my family and I use to this day, usually Larry's line, believe it or not.  Curly and Larry hastily take a piece of wet wallpaper and press it to the wall... with Moe under it.  They get to the bulge in the paper with Moe and are confused.  Curly says "Hey, that piece is lumpy!"  Larry goes in for a closer look, exclaiming "Say!  This wallpaper's got eyes!"  And they say imprinting is just for ducks.  I beg to differ, scientific community.  They eventually figure out that it's Moe, and Moe gets some swift revenge, hitting the other two chuckleheads several times with the paste brush.

ACT TWO

Cross-fade to a returning Mr. Beedle, who has trouble opening the door of the room.  Lol.  He eventually opens the door to reveal his nightmare.  Alas, he's all too awake.  This scene is unusual because the Stooges don't usually take pride in doing a crappy job on something, as they do here.  We feel Mr. Beedle's pain as he pulls pieces of crooked wallpaper from the wall that shouldn't be that easy to pull.  Ideally, wallpaper doesn't instill in you the idea to tug at it, unless you're very young like Bart Simpson.  Two ladders and a window are covered with wallpaper!  LOL.  Moe is in an unshakable state of bliss, and does all but ask to get paid.  Mr. Beedle fires the Stooges and threatens to tear them limb from limb.  Fortunately for the Stooges, Mr. Beedle is walking on invisible ice, and he slide-walks out of the room through the other door that the Stooges gladly hold open for him.
Time to run!  What Stooge film would be complete without the Stooges running from someone?  Into the laboratory they go.  Moe calls Curly a "bird brain," and... yup.  Enter Vernon Dent who takes an immediate shine to Curly's bald head.  Is Curly the small-brained Chosen One that Vernon's been lazily looking for?  Sure is!!!
Vernon gets to work applying various head tests, forgoing his usual test for hat size.  A stethoscope applied to Curly's cranium has surprisingly catchy results, as does the xylophone / hammer test.  Vernon is still quite pleased, saying that Curly's "just what I want."  Larry asks the crucial question: "What do we get?"  Curly sees through Vernon's legal-ese answer of being surrounded by luxury "as long as they live."  I found Moe's resulting exchange confusing as a youth, as he addresses Curly, then the professor in rapid succession.
Next scene: the mad professor shows the Stooges to their 'quarters', then locks them in.  As the boys look for a way out, they hear a mighty snarl from the next room, and huddle close together out of fear.  Moe tries to figure out how they got into this mess in the first place.  Well, it all started in 1934 or so... more immediately, Curly says "The man liked my looks!  N'yuk, n'yuk, n'yuk"... so vain.  Moe's reaction walks a fine line between disgust and happiness.  Then, the professor's wording is revisited... at which point, Moe panics, and the boys start with the running again.  Stage Left to the window, only to find it barred.  Stage Right to the door.  Larry tries a key, but Moe prefers the brute force method.  He tries twice to knock it down, but finds it's too strong for his meager efforts.  They walk away from the door, and the camera dollies back.  I'm telling you: this is rare!  Suddenly... it's time to switch to Pt. 2 on YouTube... I mean, suddenly... the door they were just trying to open opens!  Larry's too busy bemoaning his sorry state of affairs.  "I don't like it, if you ask me!" exclaims Larry in his frustration.  "Well, nobody asked ya!" barks Moe.  Moe takes charge of the conversation as the gorilla appears... I mean, Igor, the Beast of the Jungle.  Is this creature not deserving of his own 50's black and white B-movie?  A series, even?
As Igor approaches the Stooges, the conversation conveniently drifts towards the subject of fear.  Curly has a nice line: "It's silly to be scared!... boy, am I silly!"  And then, another one of these mistaken identity situations that the Stooges so often find themselves in.  Just the thing to stretch out the time of this pic.  Moe eventually reaches for what he thinks is Curly, but instead grabs a big handful of gorilla fur.  Moe says "Hey, Curly.... have you got a fur coat on?"  Well, it's better than the old "pink tie" routine.  You know: "Were you wearing a pink tie?  No?  Well, here's your ear back."  Effing hilarious.  Anyway, the Stooges eventually see the gorilla and, much like Leo, dives under the bed for cover.  Igor the gorilla starts going nuts at that point, jumping up and down on the bed.  It's an inspired performance, needless to say, even though it doubles as another time stretcher.  Igor's foot gets caught, and the Stooges dive out from under the bed.  Professor Panzer comes to the rescue, unlocking the door.  Now, some of you might be thinking: aren't the Stooges going to give the Professor the what-for for locking them in that room?  And you'd be right.  But, this is a Stooge short, and the two guiding principles of Stooge shorts overrule all logic: time and budget.  In this case, it's still about halfway through the pic, and we're going to stick with the devil we've met.
Next scene: The lab again.  Damn.  I so wanted to use the phrase "Meanwhile, back at the lab..."  Curly stands behind the screen of an "X-Ray Fluoroscope."  Time for some animation courtesy of the great Tex Avery, I've read someplace.  Moe stupidly grins at his own cleverness at about 3:06 or so.  There's a cuckoo clock in Curly's head.  The cuckoo's working, but for some reason, Vernon has to put a stop to it.  He hits Curly on the head nice and hard with another mallet, but only the cuckoo's affected.  Must've been a rather precise concussion. 
At this point, the Professor lays out the situation for the boys.  Larry finally gets some decent lines during this part.  When the Stooges finally put two and two together, realizing that it's Curly's brain the Professor wants... TIME TO RUN!  A mighty chase ensues.  For me, perhaps the most interesting part of it is at about 3:50 when Moe and Vernon run head on into each other.  Moe starts to run right smack into Vernon again, but turns around just in the nick of time.  Vernon barely flinches as he regains momentum... okay, maybe not.  Meanwhile, Larry runs around the X-Ray by himself.  Lol.  X-Ray: 1, Larry: 0.  Curly trips up the professor with a bottle.  As the professor flies into the air, we hear a strange twanging sound.  We've heard this in an earlier Stooge short, but other than that it's rare.  Vernon lands ass first on an open pair of dentures, crying "Ouch!" twice.  This has to be one of his best performances.  Moe looks at Vernon and says "Ha ha ha, you faw down!"  Vernon tries backing Moe against a wall, but is outmaneuvered.  Vernon hits the wall and dislodges a strange looking breakaway beaker which hits him on the head.  What a Stooge.
Next scene: the boys finally leave the lab, run back down the hall, into the room with Igor.  Moseph and Lawrence are on door duty, while Curly's away from the door.  Igor's behind Moe and Larry, and Curly points and screams "EEEEEEEEE!"  Seriously!  Just like that!  To cut to the chase... I know, I'm sorry.  I thought I liked this one; I guess I'm just not so eager to dissect it all that much.  Curly ends up alone with the gorilla.  The gorilla takes a shine to Curly.  Curly picks up on this and says "I bet you do that to all the boys, especially if you're going to get their brain!"

ACT THREE

Moe and Larry hide in a nook just off the main hallway.  The professor comes to, and runs down the hall the other way.  This leads to one of the great exchanges between Moe and Larry from 4:57 on.  Everyone's favorite part, of course, is the second move Moe describes: the "infilterate" and the noise it makes.  Moe gets too carried away, and Larry has to rein him in.  Meanwhile, Curly and Igor are bonding some more.  They barely stay one step ahead of the Professor thanks to Igor's spidey sense... or something.  Curly and Igor meet up again with Moe and Larry.  Moe tries to get Curly to get rid of Igor, but Curly says "No!  He's my pal!"  Is this not one for the ages?
Apparently the Stooges just don't know when they're locked in a room or not.  The professor tells Nikko... remember him?  He's back!  "They're locked in the laboratory, the fools," the professor tells Nikko.  "I'll use the secret entrance.  Get the gun!"  As the professor prepares to wreak havoc on the Stooges, Curly and Igor are wreaking a little havoc of their own.  They're trying to find a good smelling ingredient in the lab, but can't find a one.  They treat test tubes and other miscellaneous containers like salt, throwing them as hard as they can over their shoulder.  Igor throws one, and Curly says "Hey!  You're smart!"  Moe tries to calm them down in his usual violent manner, but Igor intervenes on Curly's behalf.  Igor grabs Curly's hand and puts it to Moe's face.  Curly obliges by hitting Moe as hard as he can.  Moe tries striking back, but Igor won't have any of it.  This could change the Stooge dynamic as we know it!
Back to the professor who has his gun, and heads for the "secret entrance" to the lab.  Now, as your average hardcore Stooge fan knows, the part from about 7:03 to 7:56 was cut out of some versions of this film.  Fortunately, YouTube's got the missing footage.  It's Igor partaking of some grain alcohol.  If you have young children viewing this part, you might want to explain to them what grain alcohol is, then tell them to wait when they're older to try it.  It might work.  Curly tries to explain to Igor that it's wrong, but he drinks from the same bottle just the same, with much the same reaction of the gorilla.  So like people.  Steam shoots from Curly's ears and we hear chirping birds.  When I watched this as a kid, my viewing companions and I wondered what that chirping noise was as Vernon enters the lab.  And now we know!  What's childhood without a little mystery?
And so... the big stand-off.  If only the Stooges had their own machine guns to protect themselves... sorry, sorry.  Alas, the Stooges must rely on their lack of wits rather than be the only pistol-packing non-cowboy comedy trio in cinema history.  I still can't figure out what Curly says at 8:12 or so.  Must be a New Deal thing.  Anyway, Vernon aims and fires his first hundred bullets.  The Stooges crouch down, and bottles on shelves break.  Vernon stops firing, and moves in for a better shot.  Igor rises up and grabs the machine gun.  Reminds me!  I meant to review Rise of the Planet of the Apes.  Oh, I'll never get to that one.  Vernon tries to get Igor to not fire the gun, but Igor can't help himself.  Igor starts firing that gun, and lemme tell you, hell hath no fury like a gorilla with a machine gun.  Vernon suffers some decidedly uncomic bullet wounds in his lower back, while the Stooges get comic bullets in their collective asses / lower back region.  More bottles break. 

EPILOGUE

The Stooges find an opportunity to escape, and escape the lab, while Igor keeps firing the machine gun.  We see the Stooges run down the hall.  Curly doubles back to get Igor, tired and shagged out from a long day of firing the ol' machine gun.  Curly and Igor eventually wander down the hall, hand in hand, into Stooge short history.

****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Antonia Bird

You go, girl!  I hate to cut to the chase with my Decade Theory, but clearly being involved with Miramax in the 90s is the highlight of any director's career.  If you remember doing a film for Miramax in the 90s, then you weren't really there!  Especially the controversial Priest.  Not as controversial as The Pope Must Die(t), but still up there.  Go figure.  What is it with Catholics and controversy lately?  After all they've done to protect the rest of us from all the wrong religious fanatics.
Yes, Antonia Bird hacked her way through British TV in the 80s to get to feature films in the 90s.  After Priest, it was time to conquer the American market with 1995's Mad Love starring pre-Batman Forever Drew Barrymore and Chris O'Donnell.  After that came and went, Bird's agent decided that her titles were too wordy, so it was back to the one word titles, and so came 1997's Face and 1999's Ravenous. 
As for most of us, the 2000s were about plunging ourselves back into our work as we tried to ignore the Supreme Court-appointed President of the majority of that decade, and Bird sank into a return-to-TV-directing depression for most of that time.  With titles like Care and Rehab, is this not a cry for help?  But the 2010s are looking up with what seems to be another stab at the silver screen proper called Cross My Mind.  Sounds like a story fraught with the promise of tasteful sex scenes.  Let's hope that the digital video isn't too streaky during the more crucial scenes.  A toast to Antonia Bird!

Underworld vs. Resident Evil: Which Kicks More Ass?

I tell you darling, looking at the Variety Top 100 is too depressing.  So many obscure titles, interspersed with the non-obscure ones, such as The Hunger Games in 50th place with $400 million in the bank.  Better to narrow our focus to just ten.  Speaking of which, the struggle of dominance between the Underworld franchise and the Resident Evil franchise continues unabated.  So far, Resident Evil's winning 5-4, if you don't count 2011's Underworld: Endless War which you shouldn't.  I mean, Laura Harris seems like a nice girl, but she's hardly a replacement for the Selena we all know and love.  On the other hand, Underworld's not based on a video game.  It just seems an awful lot like one.  I think that should count for something.  One thing's for sure: both franchises should enjoy this time while it lasts, as they will both soon be battling middle age and graying hair.  Or is it just me?  Thought so.
The only other new film this week is the latest re-release of Finding Nemo.  What does that say about our cinematic tastes?  Have we learned NOTHING in the past ten years?  What we seem to have learned is that today's cinema isn't as good as last decade's fare.  This, despite the fact that they hadn't perfected chrome reflection effects by the time Pixar finished Finding Nemo.  The slow creep towards replacing flesh and blood actors continues unabated, but we're only human and we yearn for the familiar clunkiness of the recent past.

Keanu's Crime

Time to spit out a blurb about this one.  Where to begin?  Henry's Crime might be the kind of thing Keanu would've made between Matrix sequels.  Or maybe it's too indie for that, who knows.  But like John Cusack, Keanu's approaching 50 and he can't play the Bill and Ted parts forever.  Still, something about the plight of the Henry in this movie that makes me lose faith in humanity.  Are our lives really that empty?
Take Henry's sad case study, for example.  He's married to a pleasant enough girl: devoted, a good cook, and she wants a baby.  Or is that ... but she wants a baby?  Trapped in the non-exciting, anti-Speed life of a toll booth attendant, his only excitement comes in the form of Fisher Stevens, apparently his old high school bully.  Spoiler alert: Keanu gets arrested for driving a car that morphs into a getaway car.  He doesn't rat out his friends, and he gladly serves jail time for his part in the crime.  Think Let's Go to Prison as a comedy.  If you can get past this conceit, well... you're in for more of this movie, let's put it that way.
While in prison, Keanu bonds with cellmate James Caan.  After Keanu's released, he goes to visit Caan, and provides a twist on the scene in Thief where Willie Nelson tells Caan to get him out of prison.  Keanu tells Caan that he has to get out of prison, despite Caan's time honored ritual of freaking out his parole board.
At some point, Keanu reveals his life decision to Caan: since he was charged with robbing the bank, it's time to actually rob it.  A crew is formed in a novel way, hopefully. 
Now, for the best conceit of all... the bank is next door to a theater.  There's an old tunnel between the theater and the bank.  (Tyler Perry's The Ladykillers, anyone?)  They need an inside man to act in the big Chekhov play being put on in the theater.  Why not Keanu?  Why not, some of you haters out there might be asking.  Oh, don't you lie to me!  I know you're out there in the dark, hating on my man Keanu here.  Some of you call him the worst actor of his generation, or of any generation, for that matter.  But he was forged in the fires of Lebanon, my friends.  That's gotta be worth something!  And he burned his way to the national stage with the help of such films as Bill and Ted, Point Break, and others, I'm sure.  Is this not his chance to prove to the world that he can act on a stage?
As much as I hate to critique the play within the movie... I guess he nails it?  While he sidesteps the problem of a Russian accent by not doing one, he seems to hit the proper accents... at least, as well as he can.  And as one of my viewing companions pointed out, he improves his love life going from Judy Greer to Vera Farmiga, does he not?  As in Up in the Air, Vera once again proves she's one of the boys, and a damn decent stage actress within the movie to boot.  I enjoyed Fisher Stevens' just desserts probably a little more than I should have.  I probably had some other brilliant points to make, but ultimately, this was about 1.75 hours of my life I will cherish forever.  Oh yeah, and ... spoiler alert... there's yet another CGI car crash here where a car appears out of nowhere, knocking somebody well out of frame.  Scary Movie 3 had a couple, Kick-Ass had one, Ghost Town starts with one, there's that Stephen King thing with Pierce Brosnan where his wife gets hit by a bus, that's a dramatic example... ooh!  Scary Movie 4 had at least one!  I don't know, I didn't see the whole thing.  I gotta go.  Bedtime.

p.s. If you can find that Spy Magazine article about the curse of movies with Henry in the title... well, I don't have extra funds for a contest lying around.  Needles to say, this movie might well be added to that list.

**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

The Loneliness of the Long Distance Wrestler

Giamatti brings his skills to this indie sports pic called Win Win.  Like most industrious Americans these days, he works two part time jobs: one as the town lawyer in a small New Jersey town, the other as a high school wrestling coach.  But money troubles are starting to weigh him down, and a chance to supplement his income comes in the form of caring for elderly friend of Sylvester Stallone, and Rodney Dangerfield's long suffering chauffeur in Back to School, Burt Young.  The circumstances are a tad conflict-of-interest-y to say the least, but they're safely buried in court documents.  But then... the need for the truth to be revealed arrives in the form of Kyle, the greatest high school wrestler of all time.  Giamatti has two best friends: Vig played by Hank Kingsley... I mean, Jeffrey Tambor, and Peter Pan as football jock Terry Delfino played by Tony Danza... I mean, Bobby Cannavale.  Kyle can't live with his mom because she's a drug addict.  She's played by Melanie Lynskey, the other star of Heavenly Creatures, as the sweetest drug addict mother who seems to show no signs of an addiction problem other than poor taste in wardrobe and a slight temper.  Giamatti has his cake and eats it for a while.  The team becomes something with Kyle at the helm, and money problems are staved off for now.  But eventually the whole house of cards comes crashing down.  Sorry, spoiler alert.  Fortunately for us, no story thread is left unresolved.  Croquet is eventually played, and Giamatti quits both jobs to pursue his fallback job mentioned in the movie.  You'll have to find out that part for yourself. (What's the opposite of spoiler alert?)

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Beer Barrel Polka or Masochism Tango?

This seems very familiar... yes, unfortunately it's time to delve into our next Stooge flick, called Beer Barrel Polecats.  Like most great cartoons, great Stooge shorts take a popular expression or phrase, tweak it slightly, and name their films thusly.  Walt Disney, on the other hand, took the phrase "Mickey Mouse" and made it his bitch.  Aren't we all the better for it?  I did like that one where Mickey and Donald are in that runaway camper.  I'd review it, but Disney would demand royalties.

ACT ONE

Where was I?  Oh yes.  Beer Barrel Polecats.  The Three Polecats... I mean, Stooges, pine for the lost Prohibition of yester-decade.  They step out of a bar / floor show and, in a clever bit of screenwriting, Larry sets the scene by saying "This is the 16th place we've been in!"  Apparently, they're unable to get drunk.  But then... after much waiting, Curly gets an idea.  Instinctively, Moe says "Shaddup, I don't want to hear it."  Then he says "What is it?"
Next scene: the boys are making their own beer.  Pardon us.  The camera pulls back as it focuses on their instruction manual.  Good focus pulling!  My complements to the cameraman.  Now... how to make the making of beer funny?  Spoiler alert: here's the strategy they employ.  Moe reads the instructions and mispronounces the words.  Sounds like he's been having a few already!  Larry takes it upon himself to correct Moe, which Moe's not too happy about, but not angry enough to beat Larry for it.  Curly's in charge of the hot water.  Will you stop thinking ahead already?  Curly goes over to the tap and starts gathering the hot water.  He has trouble folding his arms from 1:37 onward.  See?  Every stroke has a silver lining.  Back to Moe and Larry who dump giant cans of chocolate-syrup-grade malt into a giant... cylinder?  How much did all THAT stuff cost?  Wonder what other Columbia pic they stole it from?
To reiterate, putting Curly in charge of the hot... well, hot anything, really... you might as well put a pyromaniac in charge of the Fire Department.  Especially if it's privatized!  You'll have plenty of business in no time!  Anyway, Curly takes it upon himself to pour the hot water.  Needles to say, he misses his target by about a mile, and all the hot water goes right down Moe's back.  There's something gratuitous about the shot of the water pouring out of Moe's pants legs at about 2:01.  In case you're worried about Moe's safety, relax.  They were on a shoestring budget and couldn't afford that much hot water.  Curly apologizes, but it does nothing to calm down Moe.  Moe lets fly with a punch, but Curly ducks out of the way, and Moe hits Larry right in the middle of his forehead.  DOWN GOES LARRY!  Seriously, these films seem to be taking a toll on Larry.
Meanwhile, Moe puts Curly on mop duty.  Moe throws the mop to Curly and, much like in Boobs in Arms, and to a lesser extent, Dizzy Pilots, Curly starts moving the mop like a rifle.  Curly does an about face, and the camera gets slowed down to about 12 fps, meaning the action goes twice as fast.  Must've been a real mop, not a prop mop, so Moe slowly gets hit with the mop.  Moe goes in for an eye poke but the mop stops his fingers.  He then goes in for the ol' single-single which always gets the job done.  Of course, when Stan Laurel pokes Ollie in the eye in The Music Box, for example, he relies on sleight of nose for the illusion that his finger goes into Ollie's eye... I hope.  But the scene's not over yet, folks.  Larry's recovering from his punch to the forehead, only to get stabbed in the stomach with Curly's mop handle.  Curly and Larry have a Mexican standoff now.  Curly befuddles Larry by barking right in his face.  Larry gives Curly a nice meaty shove in the face, but he's standing on the mop like an idiot and he falls right on his ass.  Cross-fade to next scene... really?  That was weird!
Next scene: the violence has calmed down, and the boys are now working together on this bold brew experiment.  Moe and Curly are on pour duty, while Larry's on stir duty.  Curly dumps a can of water into the cylindrical beer cauldron and throws it away Stage Left.  Lol.  Now for the next ingredient: three cakes of yeast.  Just then, the phone rings.  It's a subtle comic dance here, but for some reason I think of the big finale of 1996's Multiplicity... is that sexist of me?  Probably.  For some reason, the problem of baboons crossing the rope bridge comes to mind, but that's only because that's all I remember of that damn Tanenbaum book.  Where were we?  So Moe puts in three cakes of yeast, then he seems to start eating the wrapping they came in.  Sounds crunchy!  Larry comes over and says that the phone call's for Moe, so Moe goes over to the phone.  Larry throws in his two cents... I mean, three yeast cakes.  This also serves to stretch out the running time of the pic, incidentally.  Curly, unaware of the whole point of homemade microbrews, throws in his three yeast cakes, STILL WRAPPED, then wads up the paper bag they were in and throws that into the brew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WTF.  The boys go to get the beer bottles.  Cross-fade to the foreboding cauldron which starts bubbling over.  The boys return just in time to witness this mayhem, gently put down the bottles, and go over to try and quell this tempest in a teapot.  They try bailing it out like their boat from ... what was that one?  Booby Dupes!  That's it!
Cross-fade to more bailing out.  Lol.  And then... Curly's got ANOTHER IDEA!  He gets a big burlap sack and Moe starts ladling foam into it.  Moe suddenly realizes the futility of this and bonks Curly on the head... which gives Curly another idea.  Meanwhile, Larry gets a suitcase from the other room.  Moe must be tired of hitting heads because surely that's a little worse.  And then... Curly saves the day by wheeling in a bathtub.  Finally!  Someone's ripping off the Stooges for a change.  After all, you can get 50 bathtubs for $3000!  Curly's beaming with pride and calls the bathtub his "brain child."  Larry then says the best line he'll probably have in this one: "At last you got a brain, child."  Larry pours the full suitcase into the tub, and the rest follows.

ACT TWO

For once, the Stooges eschew the standard time limits on the Three Act structure, as the drama of homemade beer has some more plot twists left.  Screenwriters take note: the way they work the over-yeasting back into the plot is nothing short of lucid genius.  At about 6:02 they... well, you really gotta see it for yourself.  Alpha-Larry starts laying into Curly, but he's no match for Curly's stomach.  Larry gets knocked Stage Right right out of camera view and... yup, much like Moe in Dizzy Pilots, Larry's body ends up in the entire brew.  Well, his legs are still dangling over the side, but Moe pulls Larry up by his armstraps and gets his shoes into the mix where they sorely belong.  Look fast, but you can see that Moe winces from the splash before laying into Curly at about 6:13.
Next scene: a few weeks later, and Curly's pounding the last bottle cap into place.  The Stooges were meant for feature length, my friends!  The apartment's positively filled with full bottles of beer, about as full as Ollie's house in Helpmates was full of empty bottles.  Then we see a rather ominous stack of beer bottles next to an open flame.  Back to the Stooges, basking in their entrepreneurial glory.  A brief massive frame blow-up of Lawrence at about 6:44 before he trots out the moldy old "burnt toast and a rotten egg" line.  See, they're already planning a celebratory lunch.  But before they count their chickens for lunch, there's a resounding BOOM! from Stage Right.  Back over to the bottles stacked up and pointed metaphorically at the Stooges, as they start shooting beer at the boys.  Guess they didn't add enough BHT or tocopherols to make their microbrew more suitable for long-term storage.  You know how it is.  Completely helpless in the face of nature's alchemy, the boys get slaughtered with onslaught after onslaught of delicious, foamy beer.  Cross-fade to next scene, where they're in jail?  That was quick.
Time for some slapdash screenwriting plastering.  The threesome is in the same jail cell because Curly tried selling a bottle of beer to a damn dirty Pinkerton.  Even in post-Prohibition the Coors and whatnots put their foot down on the little guy trying to make a few measly bucks.  Hmm!  Curly seems to have a huge spare tire under his coat... why, it's a Donkey Kong-esque beer barrel hanging from his suspenders!  Cool!  The jail time will pass by like (snaps fingers) that.  Just then, a cop takes the Stooges from their cell.  Curly says his barrel is a "goiter."  Fortunately, with his big coat, it looks a lot less barrel-like. 
Next scene: the jail photo room, where the boys are going to get yet another official jail photo taken of them.  The photographer moves the hot light closer to Curly's barrel/stomach.  Curly says "Gee, it's hot in here.  I hope the beer don't spoil!"  That's planning, innit?  Sure enough... a great rumbling rises from Curly's stomach.  "Be still, my heart," says Curly.  Lol.  The rumbling continues.  The photographer gets ready to snap the picture, but sure enough, the beer explodes before the bright light flashes.  Their picture's going to look like Niagara Falls. 
There's more.  The cop says "I'LL HANG YOU FOR THIS!"  For wacky aggravated assault with some barrel beer?  Hardly seems like the punishment fits the crime, but it'll have to, as it's time to segue into In the Sweet Pie and Pie, where Larry says "They can't hang us!"  Ooh!  Good segue!
An unintentional bonus: Curly smuggled in some saws, and when asked how, he says "I saved bottle tops!"

ACT THREE

Now it's So Long, Mr. Chumps.  Note the Stooges new prison IDs.  Off to the rock pile.  Why, they don't even get time to play Iron Ball Bowling!  Those butchers at the editing deck...  Time to revisit their old mission of finding Prisoner #41144.  Any help, Pittacus Lore?  Oh, I guess their numbers don't go that high.
I probably didn't notice it before, but I'll mention it here.  At about 5:33, you can barely see the edit, but they swap out the paint sandwich for something less toxic... I hope.  Less toxic, but worse than Depression Era lunchmeat.  I would also like to point out 7:00 where a dude gets repeatedly hit with a paint brush, making the same thwacking noise.  Other than that, I'm just too disgusted with this Stooge lunchmeat.  They even make the mistake of not ending the film with the fake rock/real rock 4th-wall busting gag!  It's back to the original conceit.

EPILOGUE

Slightly similar to the ending of Laurel and Hardy's Pardon Us... okay, maybe not that similar at all.  And arguably, Laurel and Hardy did it better, but I might as well give the Stooges their due.  The Stooges get out of prison after many, many years (spoiler alert: 40), and you can tell, because they're acting all old and have long, grey beards.  At least Moe's is neatly trimmed... sheesh.  Warden Vernon Dent tells them goodbye personally, and he sounds like ... like... damn my feeble memory..  Walter Brennan!  That's it!  Time clearly hasn't been kind to him either.  He tells the Stooges "Hurry back!"  Lol.
As with anyone who gets out of prison, it's time to think about how to celebrate your new found freedom.  Curly starts, and expresses his wish for a nice tall bottle of beer... wrong choice.  Maybe he should've said "mug" or "pint" instead.  Either way, the damage is done.  Moe slowly pokes Curly in the eyes, and Larry slowly swings his clenched fist around to hit Curly in the stomach.  Moe and Lawrence return Curly to the jail the same way they came out.  Must be one of those funny jails.  Moe and Larry wander off Stage Right, and Moe tells Larry where they can find a couple "beautiful blondes."  They wish.

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan