Short Reviews - December 2012

I KNEW I was forgetting something!  Happy New Year everyone, if you're in to that sort of thing...


Witless Protection - Charles Robert Carner was the screenwriter of Gymkata.  Who's director now, bitch?

Amos & Andrew - E. Max Frye was the screenwriter of Something Wild.  Who's director now, bitch?

Killing Them Softly - With economic metaphors

Black Rock - Who's the director now, Duplasses?

Body Heat - Lawrence Kasdan worked on the screenplay of The Empire Strikes Back and Raiders of the Lost Ark.  Who's director now, bitch?

A Place in the Sun - George Stevens was cameraman for such greats as Laurel and Hardy.  Who's director now, bitch?

Gambit - Apparently this is not being released in the United States.  The globe has stopped shrinking!

Green Lantern - Edited by Stuart Baird.  Who's NOT director now, bitch?

Geek Charming - Directed by choreographer Jeffrey Hornaday.  Who's taken a 20 year break from directing but is ONCE AGAIN director now, bitch?

Dirty Dancing (2013) - DAMN YOU, ORTEGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Nobody puts the original Dirty Dancing in a corner.

The Cheap Detective - The movie's fun and all, but Louise Fletcher's no replacement for Ingrid Bergman, I'm sorry.

Oblivion - Liked it the first time... when it was called PROMETHEUS!!!

Frame of Mind - Yeah, this is the kind of thing that would be produced and directed by a guy who's been in soap operas

This is the End - For something, but the Apatow Stock Players will surely live to work again?

Django Unchained - Spike Lee slammed the film, but I think someone's jealous!!!...

Miracle at St. Anna - Critics slammed this Spike Lee film... and hard.

Millennium (1989?) - Hot and heavy with Kris Kristofferson and Cheryl Ladd... not everyone's cup of tea.

Purple Hearts - Oh, that's not the only thing that's purple... eeeyoooooohhhhh!!!

In the Good Old Summertime - Too big of a role for Buster Keaton.  He's old enough to be Judy Garland's GRANDFATHER, for God's sake!!!!!

Meet Me in St. Louis - Now THAT'S how you celebrate Halloween!

Bugsy Malone - Remember, kids... what we do in life echoes in eternity.  I mean, you're gonna be remembered for the things that you say and do.

From Hong Kong with Love - But.. but.... Moneypenny's in it!!!

Heights - ... of hypocrisy?  A little bit!

Cheyenne - Close enough to Christy Turlington for me!!

Behind Enemy Lines - No, not that one, the 1988 one with the T-1000

Eye of the Eagle - Holy crap!  TWO Johnny Ransom movies?

Johnny Guitar - Whew... back on familiar turf

Eye of the Eagle 2 - That tears it... NOBODY makes an Eye of the Eagle without Johnny Ransom!

Django - With Franco Nero as Django

Django Unchained - With Franco Nero as... a mere Bar Patron?  For shame.

The Knucklehead Jungle, or Duke York as 'Machete Kills Again'

How many cafés must they run into the ground?

ACT ONE

Opening shot:  Don't laugh.  It ate up the whole film's budget!  We get a nice shot of the inside of a police car, and a rapid dolly back to show the whole car.  Surely this was taken from some other Columbia pic?  Then again, they seem to wait long enough for the audio coming over the speaker: an APB about three criminals on the loose.  I still have my doubts, which are reaffirmed in the next few shots: stock footage of police cars on the prowl.  Stock footage, and more stock footage!  And then... back to the car marked "P.D." from before.  The driver gets out and goes Stage Right, so to speak.  Next scene: he walks past an extra-large trash can.  The trash can moves.  The guy turns and looks........... holy cow!  It's Cy Schindell, the Guy who Turns and Looks!  He does his thing at 1:11.  Fortunately for us, the Stooges aren't very good at hiding... or are they?  I wonder how long it really took to get them out of that giant can, then untangle them from the tripartite human pretzel they became.  Larry lets out a nice low-pitched scream when his foot gets bitten.
Next scene: the police station.  The boys spy a pigeon resting on a stool... get it?  And so, the Zuckers and Abrahams were born.  Vernon Dent plays the very very bad cop this time, even tougher than the detective from Six Pants.  The Stooges pulling an (armored?) car robbery?  They couldn't pull a muscle!  I know, I know, but contortions aside, they're the prime suspects.  There's three of 'em, after all!  Will this change the Stooges' street cred as we know it?  Dent orders Larry to sit down.  He confuses an ordinary chair with an electric chair.  Street Cred restored.  Dent tells them it's a lie detector.  All three of the Stooges strongly object.  Street cred back in jeopardy?  Larry goes first.  For me, it's hard to top the time Moe Syzslak took the lie detector test, but the Stooges at least get credit for pioneering lie detector jokes technology.  Fate thrusts Shemp into the hot seat... rather, Moe stepping on Shemp's foot.  Shemp fails to pass Moe's question about taking a quarter out of his shoe.  Lol.  A lot of money back then!  Dent ends up failing the lie detector test, and breaks the machine!  The lie detector makes a noise that usually only happens in WB cartoons.  Is Cannery Row stealing WB's sound effects?  Probably.  The machine's now broken, and Shemp isn't helping it recover, either... hmm!  The technician's fooling with knobs as the pen moves.  Is HE just moving the pen?  Cannery Row.  Very interesting, but also shtupid.  The Stooges run out of the police station.  You know, as anyone would, and can.  Fade to black.
Fade in on the sign of the Elite Café (pronounced "e-light," according to Shemp).  This is rare in a Stooge short: there's so much story to get to, they don't even cross-fade from the sign to the next scene!  As it turns out, they don't actually work there, but the owner and proprietor, the lovely Christine McIntyre, said they do.  She'll live to regret that.  As she explains to the Stooges, she's in kind of a jam herself, as she can't make a go of the restaurant business.  Case in point: she says "Most of my customers sign their checks instead of paying!"  Those were the days.  To keep this from turning into a straight drama, the Stooges go over these checks, and discover that... it's all their checks!!!  And even though Moe's as guilty as the other two, he doles out slaps to others instead of slapping himself in the face.  Surely the Farrellys did that in their little movie: a self-slapping Stooge?  Oh, and going over the checks helps to stretch out the time a little bit.  Just a little bit.  Moe sends Miss Harmon off to the store, and the Stooges begin the long, slow process of getting that café shut down for good.

ACT TWO

First customer: it's the guy who was the Stooges staff sergeant once... Blystone, I believe his name is.  Stanley Blystone, I presume!  He asks for the short ribs, but Larry insists the guy try chicken soup.  Blystone grabs Larry by the scruff and reiterates, with great emphasis, "SHORT RIBS!"  Guess I'm killing time, too!  I only mention it because Larry responds with a choked-up "Short ribs!"  I dig that sort of thing.  I guess I'm just a Sadist that way.  Reminds me of that "Sweet roll" bit on The Electric Company.  What a bitch!  Anyway, Larry places an order for chicken soup, customer be damned.  Larry sticks his tongue out at Blystone.  Soon after, Larry gets hit in the head with a breakaway dish.  Back to Shemp, who wastes time showing us how NOT to make chicken soup.  A chicken is not a tea bag!!!!!!!!!  The boiling hot soup ends up on... where else?  Moe's back!  The Stooges are still stuck in the Depression Era when it comes to running a café.  Moe seeks revenge for his scalded back.  Meanwhile, Shemp's on to fried eggs.  He uses scissors to cut the eggs open.  I just thought I'd mention that.  Shemp also steals Curly's gas-powered oven routine, the doity rat.
Well, Shemp must be doing something right, because the eggs are perfectly formed when they end up on Moe's face!  And on top of that, the yokes pop right on out, almost as if on cue!  Does Moe appreciate the effort and craftsmanship that went into the eggs?  Of course not!  What does he know from cooking?  Meanwhile, Larry's in the main dining area working on the big menu sign.  As you can see, short ribs is at the top, and crossed out.  LOL!  But Larry's hard work is about to get interrupted by those two Howard boys a-fightin'.  Moe's out of ammo at this point, having damn near beaned Shemp with a cup in the kitchen.  Moe grabs a rag and throws it at Shemp.  Shemp ducks, but someone does get hit with it... why, it's Officer Vernon Dent!  Reminds me of that one crash in the movie '10'... oh, surely YouTube doesn't have that?  I better check, just in case..........
....ah, skip it.  Back to the Stooges.  They're trying to placate an angry Dent with some café food, but the menu's apparently limited to what the Stooges have made so far: chicken soup.  Not good.  Moe saves the day by bringing over a "cup of hot Java."  Vernon has calmed down and gets the plot rolling again.  He shows the boys a picture of another suspect.  Moe says "Hey!  That's one of the guys that was in on the car robbery!"  Shemp concurs, saying "Yeah!  I'd know him anywhere."  We'll have to leave that aside for now, as Dent sure does.  All he says is "I thought this was a Lefty Loomis job."  Ironic now that it's Loomis Fargo Armored Trucks.  Maybe that's what they were parodying.  We close the scene with the old switcheroo gag.  See, Larry's painting the sign, and using a coffee cup to hold the paint and............. Fade to black.
Fade in on an alarm clock in the kitchen.  It's lunchtime, and Shemp wants to go out to eat.  Moe's having none of that, of course.  Meanwhile, a new plot wrinkle: McIntyre comes into the kitchen holding a letter, and she's positively beaming!  It seems to be good news.  She says that someone wants to buy her estate for $1,000.  She can finally pay off her bills!  She leaves the kitchen so the Stooges can talk smack about her behind her back.  Moe asks "Do you think she's getting gypped?"  Oh, I'm just glad Andrea Dworkin didn't see that part.  The point is, this deal sounds a little fishy.  They're going to investigate... but not on an empty stomach.  Speaking of fishy, Moe helps himself to a fresh clam.  Traif!  Traif!!!!
Moe goes to join his two Apostles at their proverbial Last Supper.  Moe must be the Christ figure because he gets to sit in the middle of the table.  Anyway, he's about to get crucified by a particularly grabby clam.  And so, not only is it time to kill more time, but it's time to kill time Dutiful but Dumb style!  Why, Moe even makes noises and slaps his face like Curly!  How are they going to solve the mystery of the mystery house buyer if they can't even get to the bottom of the Case of the Disappearing Crackers?  ...Never mind, he figured it out.  Good Lord!  More channeling of Curly.  That was a good one.  Eventually, the clam ends up on Moe's nose.  Does Moe show gratitude when Lawrence and Sheffield remove it?  Of course not!  Just the ol' double wham to the gut, then to the forehead.  Fade to black.

ACT THREE

It's a little premature, but it has the heft of a serious Act Break.  Fade in on the McIntyre estate spoken of before... I'm sorry, Harmon.  Anyway, the bad guys are reading the newspaper.  Only in a Stooge film will the Stooges make the front page.  The gaunt Frank Lackteen, Dent's assistant from A Bird in the Head, plays an even badder guy here as one of Loomis' gang.  Time to get rid of those Stooge boys.  Loomis poses the same existential dilemma that Moe posed in Six Pants: "They're not going to just walk right up to us, are they?"
Next scene: the Stooges walk up to the door, with poor McIntyre in tow.  Lackteen and... I should probably point him out by name at some point.  Diminutive leading man and new perennial Stooge heavy Kenneth MacDonald is Lefty Loomis, the leader of this tiny gang.  They hear the Stooges plain as day, and prepare for an ambush.  McIntyre's got a key, but it won't open the front door, so a mini-quest to open the front door begins.  See also: Laurel and Hardy in Night Owls.  Meanwhile, there's a teeny peephole in the wall facing the front porch where a window might normally be.  Lackteen's got a rifle, looks through the hole and says "It's them!"  MacDonald gently orders "Let 'em have it."  Lackteen sticks the rifle through the hole.  It ends up near Shemp's head.  He turns around and reacts in shock at first.  Then he says "Oh!  A piece of pipe!"  He tries to pull it all the way out of the peephole, but Lackteen pulls back, and a tug of war begins.  Shemp loses and cries to Moe about it like the big baby he is.  What a sore loser.  Moe goes over to heap verbal and physical abuse upon Shemp.  While this happens, McIntyre is standing near the front door, and a sinister hand grabs her and pulls her inside.  Moe and Shemp are still going at it, of course.  Moe says "You had a... hallucination!"  He has a little trouble delivering the line, but it's good enough for the director.  Shemp responds, "No!  I had a hunk of pipe!"  Moe slaps Shemp on the forehead, then grabs him by the hair and drags him over to the front door.  That's one great thing about Shemp: you can grab him by the hair.  Curly, not so much.  They finally notice that Gladys (McIntyre) is gone.  Meanwhile, Larry emerges from inside the house with a crowbar, asking Shemp and Moe "Hey fellas!  You think this will open it?"  Larry sets himself up all too well for a beating.
Next scene: inside the proverbial lion's den that is the McIntyre house... estate, rather.  The crooks have to come up with a new plan to kill McIntyre and her three Stooges.  They don't want to get blood all over the inside of the house, I guess.  Still, they're going to use brute force, and his name is Angel. 
Introduction of Angel: apparently the idea of showing the shadow of someone first is credited to Michael Curtiz.  I learned that from Joe Dante and the commentary on Gremlin Stew... I mean, Gremlins 2.  We get that here!  Well, even Stooge short directors like to do things differently.  I kinda like how MacDonald tells Angel, "Strangers in the house!"  Maybe it's just me.  Angel's got a giant machete and goes to use it on the intruders.  This'll eat up some time, as Angel suffers near miss upon near miss, setback upon setback, in achieving his implied goal.
First up: McIntyre... I mean, Gladys... it's not enough that she's tied up and gagged.  Now Angel's gotta machete her, too!  Fortunately, the voice of Moe spares her for a while.  Not often that that happens.  Shemp gets scared by a body with a sheet over it.  This leads to a good gag.  Shemp tries to speak to Moe in code: "Washington is gone!!!"  Alas, Moe doesn't turn around to look, so Shemp gets dragged into the next scene, hair first. 
Next scene: Angel meets up with the Stooges, but has to wait for the perfect moment to use the machete.  Shemp gets to do yet another variation on the old "What're you growling at?" routine.  Angel has to be careful with the machete; that's a real one!  Shemp runs into a room and starts to barricade it, which will inevitably lead to him un-barricading it for Moe and Larry, and letting in Angel after Moe and Larry get scared and run off.
Next scene: the violence / comedy ante is upped... albeit slightly.  Shemp ducks behind a covered cabinet with a mannequin head on it.  This mannequin head serves as Shemp's proxy head.  Angel hits the mannequin head with his machete, and Shemp briefly confuses it with his own head.  What a maroon.  Well, to be fair, anybody'd cast about in a moment of stress.  Shemp manages to find another way out of that room.
Meanwhile, just Moe and Larry emerge into the hallway.  It works better with three Stooges, dontcha think?  They see Shemp, they all get scared, and part ways again.  Moe and Larry end up in the Angel room themselves, locking the door behind them without seeing Angel, of course.  Realizing it was Shemp in the hall, they try to leave, but Angel grabs them with his giant hands.  "Let go of my shoulder!  I want to get Shemp!" Moe tells Larry.  Moe and Larry eventually leave Angel holding their coats.
Next scene: the hallway, where Moe and Larry run out one door and back through the Angel room, with Angel close behind.  Next scene after that: a new set.  Thank God!  That must've been a busy weekend of shooting!  Moe and Larry run through a doorway fraught with dramatic tension like two Girly Men.  Angel follows, but stops at the threshold.  The camera pans up, Citizen Kane style, and we see Shemp holding a giant barrel.  He drops it on Angel and... WHAM!  Angel has been neutralized, for the purposes of this film.
Next scene: Moe and Lawrence find themselves back in the same hallway, but this time they run afoul of Loomis and Lackteen.  Another chase ensues, with Loomis and Lackteen firing guns now!  They either missed, or hit the Stooges in their soft buttocks, the only area of the body where someone can get safely shot and suffer a comedy wound.  Back to Shemp's trap, where one of the bad guys gets the patented barrel treatment.  I can't tell if it's Loomis or Lackteen from the grainy YouTube video, but it looks like stuntmen have taken their places.  The third bad guy eventually gets the barrel treatment, and we see a shot of McIntyre looking scared.  Some part SHE's got in this picture!!!!!... damn.  YouTube doesn't have everything after all.  Better upload something myself.
Even though the bad guys are trapped in their barrels, one has managed to find a hole in the barrel and is shooting out of it.  Meanwhile, we see Moe and Larry.  They run into each other in the hallway and fall down.  All the running they've been doing, they must be plum tuckered out!  Back to the Barrel Boys who, like proverbial lemmings, follow each other into either a dumbwaiter shaft, or one of those doors on the second floor that leads directly to outside, like Buster's house in One Week, because with a mighty crash, the non-Stooge threesome ends up on the ground outside, in a giant pile of broken barrel pieces.  McIntyre smiles with the joy of triumph.  A trio of cops quickly takes care of the three crooks.

EPILOGUE

Moe and Larry, trapped in an endless loop, much like Keanu Reeves at the beginning of Matrix 3, end up in Shemp's barrel spot.  Shemp's got one more barrel in him, and he lets Moe and Larry have it, but instantly regrets it.  No reprisal for Shemp this time apparently, partly because time has run out, partly because... well, mainly because time has run out.  Poor, poor direction.  Moe slaps the nearest thing to him, and that's a flour-covered Larry. 
So, the question is, is this one of the great ones?  The answer: nah.

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

I Eats My Spinach? Doesn't this describe EVERY Popeye cartoon?

For some reason, I'm itching to get this week's Popeye cartoon and Stooge cartoon... live-action short, I mean, out of the way.  You know, to beat the big New Year's rush, when all the bloggers outline their action plans for the new year and junk like that.  As for me, my station in life's left the train long ago, so let's get back to it.  Time for I Eats My Spinach.  One of the nice things about these early Fleischer cartoons is they weren't afraid to have titles with grammatical and spelling errors.  Why, today such a thing would be impossikible!

ACT ONE

This seems to be the theme music they have on the Popeye DVD!  Kewl!  You too should know that, ya damn internet-based moochers!  Speaking of moochers, we see Popeye marching right along singing his usual, and it looks like much the same animation used in the very first Popeye short.  Oh well.  As you can tell from the sign, he's on "Foist" Avenue.  He walks right through the middle of a fight between two palookas he often sings about but doesn't bother them.  They stop for a second to look at Popeye, then get right back to fighting.  We get the other verse of the song once again!  After all, he's one tough gazookus what hates all palookas... you remember.  He walks through a robber holding a gun on a cop!  So much for that Good Samaritan law.  For the big finale, he walks through a big metal stamper machine pounding a log into the ground.  Even though he's not all doped up on spinach, the machine loses the conflict.
Next scene: a building with sixteen windows and ledges.  Popeye calls out "Yoo hoo!  YOO HOO!!!", presumably to Olive.  I'm laughing already.  There's a giant rock on the ground that doesn't look like it's part of the painted background.  What's Popeye going to do with that?  What else?  He pitches it up to a window on the top floor, shattering the glass.  Despite the damage to her flat, Olive calls out lovingly to Popeye.  Popeye spends several seconds blushing, while his heart gets an anchor through it.  Does this kind of thing still happen in today's animated cartoons?  Olive slides down the building's rainpipe, right into the big rain barrel.  Just like Laurel and Hardy.  Popeye takes Olive's soaked hand and invites her to the rodeo.

ACT TWO

We're a little shy of 2:18, but what the hell.  Scene: the rodeo gate, where an anthropomorphic pig is taking tickets.  What is it with the Fleischers and ticket takers?  A sign says "See the Great Bluto perform."  Yes, but what's going to happen when he sees Olive?  Olive pays for a ticket, then passes it to Popeye.  Naughty, naughty!  This was before stamps or hole punches, apparently.
Next scene: ah, comfort cinema.  Harkening back to the good old days of animated cartoons when audiences were filled with animals in people clothes watching the spectacle.  Popeye makes room on a bench by any means necessary.  Next scene: everyone's favourite glutton J. Wellington Wimpy.  With the help of some magical paint, he's able to effortlessly paint some words on a giant blank sheet of paper with a brush tied to his foot, while he tends to a giant pile of hamburgers before him.  Good Lord.  "First event: Fancy Horsemanship," his painted words inform us.  And off goes Cowboy Bluto riding a white steed.  With a crack of his whip, the horse morphs into three smaller horses!  Holy cow!  Another whip crack, and they morph back.  Needles to say, Olive is impressed (the only one in the crowd who is, incidentally).  And Bluto is impressed with Olive's impressedness... something like that.  Bluto dismounts his horse via horse tail staircase, and thanks Olive from the ground level.  Popeye realizes it's time to protect his turf, so he gets on the horse and... well, I hate to spoil all of it so I won't, but there's a visual gag that even Michael Barrier's impressed with.  Eventually, the horse ends up riding Popeye!  Those Fleischer boys are certifiable!!!!!
The whole crowd, including fickle Olive, goes wild with excitement!  They tend to do that over flashes in the pan, especially if they come from the audience so directly.
Time for the next event.  Wimpy sounds like Homer on a stack of donuts!  Next event: steer wrestling.  Just below Wimpy are two doors marked "Steer" and "Bull."  The steer comes out first, but doesn't look so tough.  Bluto twists the steer's head round and round.  Eventually, the steer's head unwinds, and Bluto gets hit by the steer's horns.  At first I thought he was doing this on purpose, but apparently not as stars and planets fly round Bluto's head and he sits there in a daze.  The steer, sounding much like Bluto, says "Oh yeah?"  Now it's Popeye's turn.  Popeye scores the first points against the steer, but the steer uses its hind legs on Popeye's abdomen like a giant pair of scissors; eventually, literally.  Gee, I don't think Popeye can take it!  But Popeye regains his composure and goes to town on the steer.  Music starts playing, and that's when we know the steer's basically finished.  The steer puts up the white flag and the crowd goes nuts again.

ACT THREE

Now it's the bull's turn.  Now we're talking!  That's more like the Elmer's glue logo for ya.  The bull emerges from under the door.  Frankly, I don't know how to interpret that.  Does this mean the bull's tougher?  More elastic?  He sure looks meaner than the steer, you gotta give him that.  Bluto lassos the bull and starts to tie it up, but the bull turns the tables on Bluto.  After a lighter version of the Fistfight Tornado, the bull emerges having tied Bluto up!  Boy, this crowd is very against Bluto for some reason.  Smart crowd.  Popeye laughs, then takes out a small cape, presumably red.  The bull's thanking the audience for the applause, then notices the cape and takes off after Popeye.  Now, I hate to criticize the Fleischers' animation, but check this part out!  The bull doesn't have enough room to do its figure eights here!  For shame, Fleischers, for shame.  Meanwhile, Bluto gets loose from his ropes, then lassos Olive and drags her into the arena.  She starts kicking Bluto about the neck and face, but that only makes Bluto more persistent, of course.  Meanwhile, Popeye's still dicking around with the bull.  The bull's got the cape now, and Popeye's trying to hit it.
Olive gets loose from Bluto's lasso and takes off running.  Olive calls out for help, and Popeye gives chase.  Soon, the action has left the rodeo and spilled over into the surrounding countryside!  I've never seen anything like it!  Only in a Fleischer cartoon could this happen.  Some more play-by-play for you: the bull hits Popeye, Popeye gives Bluto a good kick, and Bluto tries to mash Olive into the ground with his giant hand, but she breaks free and keeps running.  Will we ever get to the spinach?
A giant Fist Tornado breaks out with Bluto, Popeye AND Olive in it!!!  Good Lord.  Now we're talking.  Here come the reinforcements!

EPILOGUE

Bluto is quickly taken care of, his presumed corpse landing in the hollow of a nearby tree.  But there's still that bull out there, and it's coming on much like the train from the first short.  But Popeye's all too ready for it, and with one punch he turns that bull into a whole meat market.  Kosher, of course, because he's Popeye the Sailor Man.  Still, I can't help but feel a little cheated.  A rodeo with only two events?

****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Rod Lurie

The director of such acclaimed features as The Contender and... others is apparently going to have a very exciting 2013.  He'd do more if he didn't spend so much damn time on Facebook!  Get busy, man!

FICKMAN!!!!!!!

Billy Crystal dominates the Box Office this week, at least as much as he can without putting in a better effort.  It ain't the early '90s anymore, buddy!  Where's City Slickers 3 already?  Debuting in Parental Guidance at #4 and helping pave the way for the Monsters Inc. sequel with the original Monsters Inc., he's got two damn movies on the charts!  Hobbit maintains #1, Django Unchained gets the rest of the fanboy crowd, and the latest incarnation of Les Misérables comes in at #3.  Rise of the Guardians drops to #10, and Life of Pi is gone baby gone.  Did I already mention that it spent four weeks at #5?  Eerie.  Wonder if there's a sequence in the number with four fives in a row... Chudnovsky?

Too much cowbell! or James Bond and the Temple of Doom

Now that MGM's been broken up into pieces and bought up by Columbia and Warner Brothers, is it not the Ozymandias of the seven big studios?  And what's to become of its glorious film collection?  1985 was a banner year to be sure for MGM, unleashing Gymkata and the last Roger Moore Bond film A View to a Kill.  When I was growing up, my dad told me about the awesome stunts that opened the majority of the Bond films.  I didn't get to see the rest, which is probably ultimately for the best.  But I do seem to recall that we got to watch parts of A View to a Kill in one of our middle school or high school classes.  I didn't take good notes during that time, which is a real shame.  Nostalgia about that period in a person's life is gold.  Gold, Jerry!
And so, with all that said, so far I haven't been able to torture myself with a complete re-screening of A View to a Kill, but I've seen most of it and reintegrated it into my adult conscience.  When I see films like this now, I think about the locations.  In trying to keep up with Lucas and Spielberg, the Bond films worked harder than ever to keep up with the bar those two were raising.  We do some serious globe hopping here, but a lot of time is spent at this very very expensive looking French chateau, apparently called Chantilly.  Reminds me of Barry Lyndon, for some reason.  Must be the hats.  Roger Moore hanging out with Patrick Macnee, this is surely also about the generation gap as much as it is about former KGB agents wanting to play in the big American capitalist game.
If I were Christopher Walken, I would probably decline Bond-centric interviews and comic-cons.  He seems to be free from the stench side of the Bond franchise, anyhow.  But View is worth it to see him at work.  His cowbell moment in this movie is surely when he's preparing to sell his plan to drown Silicon Valley.  But he looks like he's having fun with Grace Jones as well.
Now I know a lot of you out there think Sean Connery's the best Bond, with Daniel Craig or Pierce Brosnan a close second.  But Roger Moore brings a certain panache to the role, and of course has all the right Bond priorities.  Take his big skiing scene at the beginning.  Once he enters the submarine disguised as a dirty glacier, he pulls out of his coat a tin of caviar, a bottle of vodka, and the mission: a next-gen microchip.  He then proceeds to get it on with his young, attractive shipmate.  In fact, he gets it on with four lucky girls in total in this film!  Man whore to the max!  Not to mention the double entendres: "I got off eventually," etc.  My favourite has to be when he turns on the fire engine's siren and he pulls over a guy with a truck full of explosives.  "Where's the fire?" he asks.  Bond says "On your rear end!"  Well, can't argue with results.
Of course, with a film like this, it's the little details as well.  This was perhaps the film that launched Dolph Lundgren to superstardom in Rocky IV, and launched the creepy guy from Murder One on a long and illustrious career.  He still had some hair back then!  Also, Alison Doody who would end up being in Indiana Jones 3.  And, of course, the big homage to The Blues Brothers where the fire engine jumps the raising bridge.  Screw believability; Cletus the Bridge Operator knows what the audience wants: we want to see some cop cars all smashed up!  After the last cop car falls, NOW it's time to lower the bridge!
And of course, it's a sport to trash Tanya Roberts' performance, but I say she didn't have much to work with.  She goes home from her rough day at the State Geologists' office to her palatial California mansion.  I believed her back story!  She used to be rich, but lost most of her money fighting greevil (greedy, evil) Walken in court over... whatever.  She may not be the greatest actress in the world, but she is kinda purdy, and purdy enough for Bond, apparently.  Frankly, Moore's the worse actor.  Take the scene where he hastily tries to convince Roberts that he's not James Stock from The Financial Times, but rather James Bond, Secret Agent.  "You've got to trust me," he says.  Shyeah, right.  And this is a Bond fan talking! 
No, I think what people are referring to when they trash Tanya Roberts' performance is when Zorin picks her up in his airship.  Bond tries to warn her.  "Look out behind you!" he says, but to no avail.  Somehow, she let down all of humanity when that happened.  I try to focus on the positive: listen to her performance in the last shot of the movie, when she's getting it on with Moore in the shower.  If that's not acting, nothing is!
I forget what else.  For some reason, a lot of anti-Bond wrath is aimed at Die Another Day.  Partly because of Madonna, which I have no problem with.  But you gotta like the gadgets!  An invisible car, for God's sake!  Sure, there's some LCD glow to it, but c'mon!  But I will allow that even Bond would have trouble outrunning the sun, but maybe I'll just have to watch it again... I won't hold my breath.  Anyway, if there's a Bond film unintentionally campier than AVATAR... I mean, AVTAK, I frankly don't wanna know about it.  No wonder the Cold War was a tie.

**
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Popeye's next target: ... Mexico?

While I'm not qualified to speak with authority on stereotypes in the movies, let me just take this brief opportunity to lash out against the "colorized" Fleischer cartoons.  Of course, this was in the old days of the beginning of the art form, before computers did everything, and before filmmakers used the techniques to make their films look like old films.  Needless to say, the Fleischer cartoons were a big casualty of the process.  All the life and hard work drained out of the films for the sake of making everything look like a smeary color pastel painting.  Furthermore, they've shortened and truncated the films in addition to colorizing them!  A lot less to color, apparently.  Take, for example, our next Popeye cartoon "Blow me Down!"  Both versions are currently on YouTube, thankfully.  The black and white version clocks in at 6 minutes 19 seconds, while the color pastel version is a sleek 5 minutes 22 seconds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Speeding up the main theme song helps that out.  I'm so disgusted and short on time, I'm not even going to compare the two back to back.  Phooey.

ACT ONE

We find Popeye all on his own this time, singing the usual theme song, hitting the wrong note with his pipe.  It's a closeup, so we pull back to get a better look at his "ship:" it's a tiny whale with a sail's mast in its blowhole!  Good Lord.  These aren't for kids, I tells ya.  But the whale happily turns into a set of stairs so Popeye can step up to the pier with ease.  Next scene: Popeye walks down a street and... hoh boy, here we go.  First it's Indians, now this.  I guess the Fleischers wanted to get the ethnic humour out of their system or something.  With each window Popeye passes, another angry Mexican sticks his head out.  Trust me, Popeye's the last person in the world to be jealous of.  The music speeds up at 1:08, and the stakes are raised as well.  A sniper takes a shot at Popeye's head, but the bullet merely bounces off and hits the sniper right back, who falls to his almost certain death, or at least a long stay in a Mexican hospital.  Of course, these days you'd probably be better off in a Mexican hospital than an American one.
Popeye stops at the "Alla Kinda Flowers" flower shop and says "I wants a bouquet of flowers for my sweet petootie!"  I probably didn't spell that right.  More angry Mexicans.  Popeye comes out of the store with one flower.  He walks by this one dude... I'll stop calling them Mexicans now.  Who's the real racist, right?  Anyway, we get a close-up of this one dude, smiling and cackling at Popeye.  What else to do?  Popeye sez "Oh YEAH?" and punches the dude right in the teeth, leaving him with a mouth full of loose teeth, munching away like a cow with a cud.  See, in Popeye's world, with great power comes great responsibility... to use that power as often as possible, against the slightest hint of a bad guy.

ACT TWO

Dame?  Orphan?   This time, just a dame.  Scene: a run-down but busy saloon, where Flamenco dancer Olive Oyl entertains the diminutive crowd.  Popeye gets hit by the door on the way in, but lets that infraction slide.  He joins in with the rhythmic bobbing and swaying of the crowd, as often happens with crowds in Fleischer cartoons.  She sees Popeye and runs over to his side right away.  Rather, she does giant ballet leaps to his side.  So many terms to learn, so little time or interest.  Good teachable moment here: don't do giant leaps in a saloon, because your foot just might end up in a spittoon, as happens with Olive.  Popeye laughs like a jerk, and hands Olive his one-flower bouquet.  Olive thanks Popeye and gets back to work.  This time, both of her feet end up in spittoons, and the Two Spittoon Dance begins.  Wait a second... time killers in Popeye cartoons?  What is this, a Stooge film?  Popeye laughs anew, and it's notable because we return to Olive, and Popeye's laughs sound like they're coming from far away, as if Costello's standing far away from the mike.  I love that kind of thing.  Mel Blanc did it a lot; take, for example, the ending of ... phooey.  That they don't have.  They have Daffy Duck as Stupor Duck, but not the whole thing.  How about Bugs Bunny in Hold the Lion, Please?  This sort of demonstrates what I'm talking about.  Anyway, back to the Two Spittoon Dance.  A bassoon is added to the second chorus.
The dance finishes, everyone applauds and... finally!  Some excitement!  Bluto rushes in, causing a bigger stir than even Yosemite Sam.  With his two pistols blazing, he fills the saloon with white smoke.  When the smoke clears... why, you'll never guess what happens.  That's right!  Everyone's gone... except Popeye, that is.  Bluto asks "Huh?  Who's that guy?" and takes a seat next to Popeye.  Time for another game of "I'll do anything that you do."  Popeye wins, of course, but personally, Bluto wins the shooting contest for me, ironically by being the more delicate one.

ACT THREE

Play time's over.  Bluto takes the first punch, turning Popeye's head over and over again.  Nobody does the Twisker on Popeye... nobody!  Popeye goes for distance with his punch, and Bluto flies across the room.  Bluto apparently already knows he's licked, so it's time for his reinforcements.  To make things simpler, he's standing next to the door they're going to come through.  Bluto opens the door, and in comes the Rogue's Gallery of ... of provincial tough guys.  As often happens in Fleischer cartoons, they make the most of a single loop of animation.  The bad guys wiggle up and down, and make rhythmic grunting noises to boot!  That's one of those things that other animation companies would be hard pressed to rip off, so they didn't.
In these early ones, Popeye gave the bad guys much more warning.  He sounds a note with his pipe, says "You guys'll get hurt traveling alone!" (Get on that, The Onion!) and sounds another note.  Spinach is eaten without much of the usual fanfare (No theme music!  No imagery emanating from the new-fangled muscles!) and it's time to go to work.  Multiple groups of the same bad guys come pouring in through the door, but Popeye's got it covered.  Bodies fly out every window, and a mounted moose head gets to have a little fun.
While all this is going on, Bluto goes up to Olive Oyl's dressing room.  As Bluto stands in front of the door, four objects hit the door and Olive says "Come in!"  Soon, Olive is screaming "Popeye!  HELP!"  Popeye comes to the rescue, breaking through Olive's door, but in a way that causes the fragmented door to reassemble.  And yet, James Cameron gets all the credit for morphing technology.
As it turns out, Olive doesn't need as much help as she thinks.  We find her beating Bluto over the head with a club to a tune similar to the Anvil song from "The Barber of Seville." ... that's probably not what it's really called.  Bluto appears to be out of it, but one eyeful of Popeye and he's awake with rage.  A cycle of violence repeats itself: Bluto punches Popeye, Popeye flies back, Olive hits Bluto with the club, and Popeye steps in front of Bluto to repeat the cycle.  Popeye punched, Bluto clubbed.  Popeye punched, Bluto clubbed.  It gets faster and faster.  Lol.  Bluto eventually has had enough, so Popeye punches him out the window.
The fight's far from over, and Bluto's still an equal match to a spinached-up Popeye.  They finally fall to the ground.  Popeye hits Bluto so hard in the stomach, Bluto clutches his back in pain, saying "Oh!  My back!"  Popeye gets his pipe punched out of his mouth, but he grabs it up again.  2nd Lol.  And then, time for another Fist Tornado.  No Popeye cartoon would be complete without it.  Well, it was in the percussion section's contract.  This time, Popeye takes some time to light his pipe, before diving back in with all his energy into the Fist Tornado.  Boy, some people know how to live.
All right, enough fooling around.  Popeye summons all his muscle troops, and it's the punch heard round the world.  Literally!  Heard AND seen!  Why, I almost feel sorry for Bluto.

EPILOGUE

Well, the ending's nice and all, but I'm sorry.  This one's not up there in my Popeye Pantheon.  Fortunately, Wild Elephinks isn't too far off.  I'll just have to wait for it.

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

All I have's this empty cup, All Gummed Up

The witches of yesteryear and their Cauldrons of Creativity, in which are brewed the means for men and women to beat back the inevitability of the laws of nature have given way to the modern pharmacist.  And according to the plot description, it's Ponce de Leon's Fountain of Youth that gets concocted in All Gummed Up, rather than the cheap, temporary thrill of thumbing their nose at Prohibition in Pardon my Scotch.

ACT ONE

As in Sing a Song of Six Pants, the curtain is lifted on another busy day for the now entrepreneurial Stooges.  Their days of starting these shorts off with a bang, running from the Irish policeman that's chasing them, they've gone legit, thereby becoming a more insidious threat to the society at large.  But the customers aren't exactly taking it lying down.  For example, Larry tries demonstrating a new fountain pen for a customer.  Larry gets a face full of ink, but the customer's pissed off that the pen didn't work as advertised!  Moe goes to all the trouble of sticking his finger in a light socket to test out a light bulb, but the customer's more horrified than impressed, and can't get out of there fast enough.  Yet they can't help but keep one eye on Moe to see what deviltry he'll cook up next, or maybe he'll experience a delayed shock... nope, nothing.  Shemp demonstrates a fishing rod to a young sports enthusiast, but can't escape his Stooge-ish ways.  He throws the line indiscriminately, and ends up hooking a woman's garment.  Someone screams, but I don't think it was a woman.  Maybe it's that nut Monte Collins.  Mr. Noisy... I mean, Shemp laughs and says "Ain't that lady bow-legged?"  The guy says "That's no lady!  That's my mother in law!"  There's a joke in there someplace.  The guy walks out, and gets tackled by the guy coming in... why, look!  It's the guy who turns and looks again!  But, something's different.  Oh, right.  He's got glasses, so it's a little hard to tell that it's him.  He's got a prescription written on his shirt; well, it was two years after the end of WWII and America was still low on paper.  The shirt prescription's an easy one to fill, but they still gotta fill out the damn paperwork.  They rip off the guy's shirt on general principles, but he's free to go after that.  He leaps over the main storyline on his way out: Emil Sitka as Mr. Flint, the landlord.
Flint's got some bad news, but delivers it gleefully: the Stooges have to vacate at the end of the month.  First the tailoring equipment, now this.  To rub it in a little, he says the market that's going to move in will pay three times the rent that the Stooges currently pay.  Why, nothing short of the Fountain of Youth will soften the heart of that ol' skin flint Flint!  Shemp tries the pal-ly approach and gives Flint a good hearty slap on the back.  And OVER GOES FLINT!  "Oh, my lumbago!" he cries.  They bend him back up, then bend him over a second time.  This seems to be an improvised moment.  After Flint's bent over again, the Stooges attempt to remove a patch from his back.  Must be a lumbago thing.  Moe can't get a good grip on it with his mere fingernails, so Shemp uses a pair of pliers.  With a mighty rip, the patch comes off, and Sitka... I mean, Flint, lets out a mighty yell.  Daniel Stern in Home Alone 1 mighty!  The word "MUSTARD" is etched on Flint's back where the patch once was.  Larry returns with a fresh patch and puts it on.  There's a sizzling sound, and Flint complains that the patch is burning him.  Shemp pulls that one off too, and it's time for a second scream.  It's a different scream; I studied them both very closely.  This second patch leaves the word "HORSERADISH" on his back.  Definitely not to be taken internally.
Flint vows revenge against the Stooges, saying "You did that on purpose!"  I can hardly blame him, frankly.  Just then, an old woman comes in, wanting to talk to Flint.  It's apparently another one of his tenants.  Maybe Flint's just in a bad mood, but he says he's tired of looking at an old hag like her.  Ageism among the aged!  Same thing happened to Megan Fox after Transformers 2.  Ain't it always the way?  Flint eventually gets what's coming to him, though: a self-administered pie in the face.  Flint exits.  The Stooges enjoy a good laugh, but the old woman brings them down again.  She has nowhere to stay, so they give her a spare room in the back that they have.

ACT TWO

Well, the chips are about as down as they can get in a Stooge film.  Will nothing improve their station in life?  Time for some inspiration and what Bog sends.  Shemp is the vehicle through which this divine inspiration will come, even if he's unable to put it into words just yet, other than his trademark "eep-eep-eep!"  Shemp's got an idea in the back of his head.  Time for... yup, but this time, hitting the idea out will work.  Moe and Larry double up on the fists, and so does the sound effects.  Bingo!  It worked.  (Kids: just a reminder... it doesn't really work.)  But rather than saying he's got a terrific headache, he's got a terrific idea.  He outlines the idea of finding a vitamin that will make old people young again.  Fortunately for him, it apparently never occured to the other two Stooges.  Moe grabs Shemp and Larry by their respective noses anyway, and leads them to the research laboratory.
Time to kill some time mixing ingredients, one of which is michigos!!  Frankly, this whole film is a little michigos.  Moe punishes Larry for telling a terrible "mortar" joke.  Larry uncharacteristically tells Moe to "put that pestle down, man!"
And now, time for some Fourth Wall humor.  In typical linked list fashion... sorry, it's the programming talking... anyway, Larry hits Moe with a big damp handful of cotton, and Moe hits Shemp with it.  Shemp, having no one to hit, throws the cotton off screen Stage Left.  After a few seconds, it gets thrown right back at him!  So far, this has got to be the highlight of the movie; a sad state of affairs at that.  After Shemp peels the cotton off his face, it goes into the mixture.  Makes sense.  After all, the Fountain of Youth is a lot like loading a cannon!  Larry brings over a big boot, or the "mixer."  Nothing eats through boots in the Stooge-iverse!  Moe does the ceremonial shaking of the boot.  He gets a little too eager and hits Shemp in the chin, then hits Larry to balance out the karma.  The mixture starts booming.  They set the boot down, and the boot is still standing!  The mixture's popping and fizzing now, sounding like a conga tune.  Time is wasted by the Stooges as they do the Conga.  Moe eventually breaks it up by saying "Break it up!"  They open the boot, and a fire starts to burn!  They try to put out the fire, but all they have is a few mouthfuls of water.  They start using other stuff, but they have trouble trying to keep from beating each other up to put out this small fire.  The fire eventually dies down, and brave Shemp volunteers to take a look.  Not deterred by the loud fizzling noise, he gets hit in the face with what looks like the wad of cotton.  He says "Double crosser!," there's more fizzling, then he gets hit in the face with a black blob.  Man, I sure could go for some chocolate pudding right about now.  Just kidding, Mom and Dad.  Is it just me, or is the camera at a funny angle here?  Must just be me.  And once again, I ask myself... why Sean Hayes instead of Rob Schneider for Larry?  Anyway, Moe picks up the boot and wrestles with it some more.  Shemp has wandered off camera and is busy looking for a towel in virtual darkness.  Fortunately for us, there's a towel sitting under a box of "Jumbo Mexican Jumping Beans."  Why, I'm surprised they could even find a box to hold in the jumbo variety!  Down comes the box, and Lord help us all, the beans they begin to jump!  I should've known that Mexican jumping beans were the secret to youth.  That, combined with the "radioactive beach" theory, and the Stooges are the real Masters of the Universe.  Of course, Shemp's too busy toweling off his purdy little face to notice, of course.  Of course!  One more for good measure, of course.  The beans on the counter have died down considerably, but there's some in this black pot that are pretty lively.  Moe pours the mixture into the pot, and it doesn't kill the beans!  The beans leap out of the pot, and Larry gets excited about that.  A good scientist would be writing all this down, but the Stooges are the complete opposite of that.  However, they do know that they need a guinea pig to try their concoction.  Moe grabs a big spoonful of the black stuff and slyly asks, "Who's gonna try it?"  Geez, but Larry's got a weird-ass expression on his face.  Looks like it's up to Shemp.  Larry grabs a fork just to make sure of that, stabbing Shemp in the ass with it.  Shemp opens his mouth wide to scream, and IN GOES THE BLACK GOOP!  Is Shemp going to die?  No, but he does end up jumping up and down a lot.  He doesn't look youthful yet, though.  Moe and Larry try to hold him down, but the three of them end up jumping.
Back to work whipping up a new batch of the stuff.  Lawrence gets to add his favourite ingredient, "Ana-cana-panacin."  Moebert gives the proceedings some much needed pomp and circumstance.  It's dirty work, but someone's gotta do it.  Reminds me... damn YouTube!  Home of video pirates.  The formula is definitely going to work this time, because Shemp's a little more adamant about not trying it this time.  What, they couldn't find a young version of Shemp?  They call Mrs. Flint from the other room.  Yes, apparently she's Emil Sitka's wife.  Good thing I read the plot description.  The Stooges tell her to open her mouth and close her eyes for a big surprise... we'll have to set that aside for now.  She obliges and tries the Black Goop 2.0.  She doesn't seem to like it.  Then she makes noises like Shemp, then like Curly!  Good Lord!  It's a Stooge-ifying formula!  RUN FOR YOUR NOW OBSOLETE LIVES!
Cross-fade to the new Mrs. Flint.  Personally, I wouldn't have handled it with a cross-fade, but that's just me.  Well, she's still got grandma clothes, but it's the Christine McIntyre we all know and love.  Thank God!  Moe tries to control Shemp's hormones.  McIntyre looks at herself in the mirror and triumphs in her new-found youth.  She starts tearing off her grandma clothes.  Moe can't control his own hormones at this point!  Dancing ensues.  Larry gets the first dance, and ends up kicking Shemp in the ass.  Moe cuts in right away.  Very short dances.  Shemp cuts in... sort of.
Next scene: Mr. Flint enters the store.  Finding no one, he raps on the counter with his cane.  He gets one eyeful of McIntyre and sees that it's his ex, far from an old bag anymore.  Moe proudly announces "We've discovered the Fountain of Youth!  We can make old people young again!"  Did anyone else feel a Twilight Zone episode coming on at this point?  Probably just me.  Needless to say, the benefits start pouring in, with Mr. Flint saying "MAKE ME YOUNG! (x2)  I'll give you the store for nothin'!"  Flint signs over the deed to Moe, and they get to work.  They apparently didn't save any of the last batch, so they put a funnel into Flint's mouth and start pouring in the ingredients, using his mouth as a mortar.  I should find this funny, but I guess I'm not in the mood or something.  Time to stretch out time... again.  It ends with a plunger over Sitka's face.  He makes a noise like Shemp, and there's a big splash noise.  Let the digestion begin.  Sitka asks "Is that the treatment?"  Moe says "No, that's just the preliminary!"  I shoulda seen that coming.  He brings over a ... it looks like a very long bug spary thing, and it has the words "Fountain of Youth" on it.  They give Sitka a mouthful of the stuff and he steps out of camera range Stage Right.  He makes much the same convulsions that McIntyre did when she got her dosage, but... the result's different for Sitka.  He ends up too young, but he's still got the grey hair and beard.  He swears revenge, even if it takes him another 60 years, pulls a gun on the Stooges and fires.  Does this mean the Stooges still keep the store?

ACT THREE

In comes a new customer who stands in front of the counter, staring off into space.  Moe tries to stare in the same direction, trying to figure out what the guy's looking at.  Moe asks the guy what he would like.  The guy says 'bubble gum.'  Moe goes to get some, then notices the guy blowing a bubble.  Something fishy's going on... industrial espionage off the port bow!  Moe reaches for a nondescript white box with the words "Bubble Gum" on it.  Lol.  Reminds me of Repo Man a li'l bit.  Five cents for a piece of gum... hmm!  Similar to today's prices.  Of course, you probably got more gum for your nickel back then.  I can get a box of Glee gum for 99¢, so that's eight cents per tiny piece.  Anyway, Moe keeps staring at the guy as he puts the box back, on top of the boxes of marshmallows.  Ah, the potential energy of comedy.
Meanwhile, McIntyre is still hanging around these losers!  She emerges from the other room with a cake with one giant candle on it.  She says she's celebrating her "rebirth."  Sci-fi writers, take note.  Nice small touch.  However, the cake's not done yet.  McIntyre says "It's got to be decorated with marshmallows!"  Thank God, no dangling plot threads.  Shemp goes to get the marshmallows, saying "Oh!  Here's a box already open!"  McIntyre runs to take care of her pot roast, so the boys are totally free to ruin the cake.  Larry starts by trying to sample the frosting.  Moe notices this, so Larry offers it to him as a proverbial olive branch.  Guess what happens.  Shemp arrives with the gum, asking "Do marshmallows have pits?"  Moe says "No, they're empty like your skull!  Drape that cake!"  Drape the cake?  Must be a '50s expression.  Pardon me, as I need a hit off of 'Gimme that cake!'  Ah, that's the stuff.  Oh, right, I almost forgot... is it going to turn out that bubble gum makes the Stooges' youth formula wear off?  Just wonderin'.  We'll find out soon enough.
Next scene: the foursome is ready to enjoy some damn cake.  I'm assuming it's more edible than the Stooges' Southern Comforter cake.  Time to stretch some more time, with the help of bubble gum cake.  Moe notices first that something's not quite right with the cake.  "Pretty good!" he says as he tries in vain to hide his visible discomfort.  Pretty good?  Better than anything the Stooges tried to cook!  To be fair, he places the blame on the "marshmallows."  Meanwhile, over to Larry who's got chewing problems of his own: as it turns out, he's got a lit candle in his mouth!  This could only happen to one of the original Stooges.  Like Curly before him, he eats it nevertheless, the old goat.
Eventually, the boys start blowing gum bubbles.  Shemp gets to do the first one.  McIntyre looks on in horror as Stooge after Stooge coughs up bubbles, then she gets to do one of her own.  Shemp pops one of his.

EPILOGUE

For the big finale, Shemp has bubbles coming out of his ears.  And that's it.  That's the big finish.  I was on the fence before, but no more.  This one deserves its place of obscurity in between the wall and the filing cabinet.

**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Christopher McQuarrie

Why not?  Bryan Singer must've recommended him after he and Cruise worked on Valkyrie together.

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

We got one day of snow in my neck of the woods, but then the rain came and washed it all away!  The only remnant left is a big dirty snowball in the neighbour's driveway, alas.  Perhaps it's all for the best.  I hope we don't get the ice we had last year!  Good Lourdes.
Anywho, the first entry of the new Hobbit series is probably going to kick some Orc keister again at the box office.  At least, I'm sure Peter Jackson's hoping so!  But there's that Jack Reacher movie that Rolling Stone has been raving about in the TV ads for it.  Less than 3 hours, more ass-kicking... perfect Christmas fare.

Whoops! Popeye and Indians

Hoh boy, here we go... Let me just say up front that I don't typically watch this one.  It's not in my top 10 or 25... or really, any given number of Popeye cartoons.  Alas, even the Fleischers weren't above depicting Native Americans in a bad light, but at least they're half-ass human!  So let's boldly go where few critics dare to tread, off the beaten path of iconic Popeye cartoons to ones of Infamy.  Time for the second Fleischer Popeye cartoon, I Yam what I Yam.

ACT ONE

As with the first hundred or so of these, the First Act is all but engulfed by Popeye singing his theme song, albeit on a rowboat in the middle of the ocean.  An egoist of the highest order, Popeye knows what's important in this life: Popeye.  The Fleischers are consummate showmen, however, and they know that new characters help to keep things fresh.  Wikipedia rightly points out: this is the first appearance of Wimpy, who makes do without his trademark skillet and eats the fish of the ocean.  As for the rest of us, we're still stuck with the opening theme "Strike up the Band..."  WTF?  But we do get the sliding doors, the mark of quality Popeye cartoons.
Popeye gets gently tapped on the head by three lightning bolts.  The third one gets a beating from Popeye, and tries swimming in the ocean like a whiny little bitch.  The clouds get scared, knowing they're next, and the rain soon stops.  The boat springs leaks just before they hit the shore, but Olive keeps rowing while Wimpy studies the menu.  What restaurant the menu is for, we may never know.  The much superior Wild Elephinks starts out similarly. 
Popeye starts walking in a straight line until a line of trees gets in his way.  And so, like Paul Bunyan before him, and Bill Brasky after, Popeye quickly turns those trees into a self-constructing log cabin, complete with stone fireplace and a fire already in it!  The trio heads inside.  That is, until Wimpy says to Popeye, "Come on in for a duck dinner... YOU bring the duck!"  Well, blow us all down.  What a Richard.  See also: Sindbad the Sailor for Wimpy chasing ducks.

ACT TWO

Popeye angrily marches off Stage Left to follow Wimpy's orders, apparently.  Damn landlubbers always giving orders.  Meanwhile, back to the outside of the cabin, where we see a group of Indians jumping closer and closer.  Now, I don't have Sherman Alexie here to set me straight, but of all the slights to Native Americans in the cartoons, this one is almost downright reverential, at least in terms of the forgotten art of camouflage.  On the other hand, maybe it's just weird.  One dude turns into a house!  Back to Popeye, who gets accosted by an Indian.  The Indian walks alongside Popeye, saying "HELLO!" over and over.  Frankly, Popeye comes off badly here.  A second Indian bonks Popeye on the head with a stone mallet.  Popeye says "Here goes my Twisker Punch!" and by Gum, he twisker punches the Indian in the nose.  The Indian falls flat on his nose, but doesn't spin around!  A wasted opportunity, but it saved the animators some heartbreak.
Now we're talking!  This is what we typically see in these things.  Three Indians are firing arrows at a duck-filled pond.  The arrows don't hit anything, because they're not aimed at anything.  Typical dumb cartoon Indians.  And even when they do finally hit a duck, the duck magically turns the arrows into a turkey tail!  PATHETIC!!!  Popeye bends three arrows on the ground, then marches right into that duck pond at 17.  The ducks dive beneath the surface, and Popeye goes in after them.  He emerges at 21 with an armful of all the ducks, and by God, he's rich!  The Indians grab the curved arrows off the ground, and end up hitting themselves in the ass.  PATHETIC!!!!!  
Meanwhile, back to the cabin.  The jumping, morphing Indians are almost at the door now.  And then, they pound on the doors.  The cabin has two doors, no less!  Olive holds them both closed with her feet.  She's a damsel in distress much like the girl in The Dover Boys of Pimento University.  Meanwhile, Wimpy's busy stuffing his face with God knows what, completely oblivious to the outside world.  At least, until the Indians try to get in via the trap door under Wimpy's chair.  Good luck with that; Wimpy's almost as heavy as Homer Simpson!  

ACT THREE

Almost done.  The Indians under Wimpy's chair finally knock him out the window.  And even though Wimpy has his eyes closed, he knows something's not right, because his bowl of porridge isn't in front of him.  Wimpy's standing next to a cactus, so he pulls it back, and unleashes all the cactus' prickers on the Indians inside.  They fill the cactus up with arrows, and Wimpy takes off running.  Back to Popeye, who's marching along with an army of ducks behind him!  He's become the Pied Piper of ducks, who happily inhale his pipe smoke.  This must be fun to watch when you're on the weed; supposedly legal in my state now.  If those ducks are smart, they'll flee when they see Wimpy... ah!  There we go.  Back to Olive, who must have had some spinach or something.  The Indians have breached the doors and are now inside the cabin, but Olive's knocking them all out.  Oh, I get it... you see, cartoon Indians are so weak and pathetic, even scrawny but white Olive Oyl could beat them up!  Something like that.  Back to Popeye, who's galloping through a hail of arrows.  Reminds me of that video game called Drol... anyone?  Sorry.  Far too obscure.  The Indians shoot five arrows at a time amidst snappy jazz music.  Back to Popeye who says "You oughta stop that, on account'a somebody'll get hoit!"  Too much.  Popeye makes it to the cabin, the roof of which is bulging from the tumult within.  Popeye gets shot in the ass with arrows by two Indians on opposite sides of the cabin.  They eventually hit each other, of course.  And then, another fight hurricane ensues, just like the last pic.  Popeye turns those Indians into giant coins.  Good grief.
And now, the big final fight sequence.  A whole arc of Indians is firing arrows at him.  He walks right up to one end of the arc, and decides to go for the spinach.  He starts absorbing arrows, but not to the extent of that one cartoon strip I saw.  Gotta find it and scan it for you sometime.  So, Popeye eats the spinach, then the can for good measure.  (Where's the spinach theme?!!)  And then, wham!  One punch to one Indian on the end of the line, and they all fall like dominoes.

EPILOGUE

Olive runs to Popeye's side, their victory over the Aboriginals complete... or is it?  From behind the giant rock emerges a Bluto-sized Indian warrior.  Kinda sounds like Bluto, too!  But Popeye's still got the Super Spinach strength, and one punch turns the giant Indian into MAHATMA GANDHI!  Again, probably better to see this one under the influence.  The warrior's clothing flies up into the air and lands on Popeye, with the words "Big Cheese" on the headband.  I guess it's an honor worth having after all; a lesser cartoon wouldn't even consider that a possibility, or they'd just say "Eww!  Icky Indian clothes!  Get 'em off!!"  
And so, after all that... I can take or leave this one.

**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

The Tailors of Pandemonium

Two in a row, no less!  This and Brideless Groom are prominently featured on every two-bit nonofficial Stooge DVD, along with Disorder in the Court and Malice in the Palace (coming later).  Each DVD pretends they've got the exclusive stuff, of course.  Well, let's dive in, ne'theless.

ACT ONE

As you can see from the sign in the picture, the Stooges were ahead of their time with the rampant misspellings in their window.  Must've been the work of crazy Beatniks.  The font is very early 50s, and the Web is now home to billions and billions of spelling and grammar mistakes, as well as publishing house errata who still have some pride in their work, just not enough to get it right the first printing.  The camera follows Moe as he moves the curtain behind the above sign, rendering it practically unreadable.  He moves to the other window which says "Cleaning, Pressing, Altercations."  Foreshadowing if there ever was an example!  And then, the film's budget is wasted as the camera dollies INTO the establishment, keeping an eye on Moe who youthfully rolls over the counter and prepares for another long day of face slapping and eye poking.  So much paperwork to fill out for that kind of work; so little time.
Close-up of Larry, who's tackling... oh, they're tailors, by the way... Larry's trying to get rid of a particularly persistent spot of white on an article of clothing.  I hate to spoil the gag, but the director spoils it for us, as we see that it's a shaft of light emanating from the holy curtain.  Larry takes a break, taking a swig of soft drink, then grabs the bottle of spot remover right next to it and gets back to work, rubbing vigorously.  He appeals to Shemp for help, but Shemp's too busy with a visual gag of his own.  This one's easy enough to predict, and it gave birth to the chief visual gag of The Goodies.  The first hit goes to Shemp for his impropriety.
And so, the fuse of the plot is lit: if the Stooges don't pay the bill for their equipment, it'll get repossessed!  But how?  How on earth is a trio of dunces like the Stooges going to come up with... how much?  $321.86.  The capper: the letter says they've got 24 hours to come up with the money!  The letter came late, so they've got just 16 minutes to come up with the dough!  But how?  HOWWW.......
Shemp is strangely unworried about all this.  He says "What we need is a little music to cheer us up!" and he ruins his visual gag at about 2:02.  He goes over to turn on the radio.  Instead of music, however, it's time for an emergency news flash.  Moe goes over to Shemp to really let him have it, but Moe hesitates and listens intently to the news flash.  We hear about notorious safecracker Terry "Slippery Fingers" Hargin, who has robbed his eighteenth safe in nine days!  Nice work if you can get it.  There's a big cash reward for his capture, no less!  God bless the criminals and the reward money on their heads.  Then, there's an ad for "No-Burp-aline," the only gasoline with bicarbonate of soda... for all those burping cars out there.  Well, it was funny at the time.  Shemp puts two and two together, and suggests to Moe that they should capture Hargin themselves!  Moe takes Shemp's idea and rubs its face in the ground.  Dude!  So mean.  An eye poke would be preferable to sarcasm in my book!... never mind.  Geez!  That one looked like it actually went into the eyes!  Uncool.  You're supposed to poke a guy in the forehead just above his eyes, Moseph!
Back to Larry, who finally figures out the riddle of the spot.  He takes a big drink of cleaning fluid, spitting it on Moe's back as he walks by.  Moe gives Larry a nice big slap to the face, then goes over to make some lunch.  Moe can't think when he's hungry, so it's time for another Stooge meal.  They seem to do that a lot.  Family values, I guess.  He drops some ready-to-go pancake batter onto the clothing steamer, and we're well on our way to another disastrous meal.  Time to kill some time!
Moe closes the steamer onto the pancakes, and we hear what sounds like a WWII battle: guns firing and... well, just guns firing.  Cross-fade to the finished product!  Moe slides the spatula under the griddle cakes with glee, and proceeds to chop them up into ... pancake strips?  With his dirty scissors?  Good Lourdes.  Meanwhile, Shemp enjoys the funny papers.  Talk about Mr. Noisy!  Shemp doesn't get to eat, as he's got a curled-up pair of pants to iron out.  Time to kill some more time with that side adventure!  See also: Curly's struggle with curly wallpaper in A Bird in the Head.  Final score: pants 6, Shemp 0.  And now for the instant replay from the highlight reel...  Shemp ends up hitting Moe in the face with a broom rather than finishing up the pants.

ACT TWO

Cross-fade to tranquility restored, and Shemp and Larry are working side by side, with Shemp doing some hand-stitching with the ol' fashioned needle and thread.  What could possibly go wrong?  Oh, just Larry getting stabbed in the ass, and then in the belly, that's all!  And then, a fugitive runs into the shop, followed close behind by overweight Detective Vernon Dent.  That's right, Terry Hargin walks right into their shop so the Stooges can catch him... but Terry's too clever for that, and he won't get caught on the first bounce.  Maybe the second or third, but not the first.  The Stooges are too busy hitting each other to notice that Hargin has taken his place amongst the store mannequins in the corner, AND had enough time to quickly apply a phony moustache!  Dent enters the store but, failing to introduce himself properly, the Stooges think he's an ordinary customer.  He ends up having Hargin's coat thrust upon him, with the slacks second.  Ironic indeed, that the Stooges would go for the clothes on the newest addition to their mannequin collection.  Dent's badge is eventually seen, and the scenario laid out.  
Cross-fade to next scene: Hargin made his escape in a big black trenchcoat, and damn little else.  He left the combination to a safe in his suit pocket, and he sends his hot young girlfriend back to the Stooges' place to try and get it.  As one of those old adages should go, with a new suit comes new problems.
In a rare bit of carefulness, Moe checks the pockets of the pants he's about to press, and he finds the bit of paper with the safe combination on it.  He spends three seconds unfolding it.  The combination is... spoiler alert ... First line: "L-R-L-R-L-R-L", second line "1-1-2-3-2-2-1."  I know, I know, but Hargin's meticulous and likes to cover his tracks.  Hell, with a combination like that, I could probably crack open that safe.  Reminds me: I better check Yahoo! for the latest and greatest password tips.  Of course, my site's hacker proof due to lack of interest.
Things go from bad to worse for Hargin.  Moe looks inside the mystery coat to find the monogram "TH."  Even criminals gotta put their initials out there sometimes.  Another problem with working with a gang of thieves: they keep stealing your clothes.  What else is a guy gonna do?  Shemp and Larry try to figure out what "TH" stands for, and epicly fail.  Read Mhebner23's comments for all the gory details.  But I will point out that Moe's getting soft in his eyebagged old age, missing a very golden opportunity to hit Shemp in the forehead with his fist.  To save time, Moe checks the back of the monogram, where Hargin's full name is hiding.  This caper's so easy, a Stooge could solve it.  Shemp gets his finger bitten for trying to stifle a perfectly good 'dummy' rejoinder.  Phew!  FINALLY!  I was starting to think I was watching an episode of Dragnet or something!  It's been a while since there's been an act of random wanton violence.
Cross-fade to next scene, where the busy work of tailors marches on.  Moe's slicing some garlic with a razor blade... no, wait, that was GoodFellas.  Moe's whittling something down with a razor blade, a bit of soap maybe.  The point is, the razor blade falls into a broom.  A fresh customer comes in to get his suit.  Moe notices that the coat's got shmutz all over it, and orders Shemp to ... wait for it... brush him off.  Shemp slowly grabs the broom with the blade in it, making sure we get a nice big eyeful of the gag to follow.  Great direction, Weiss!  The boys make small talk while Shemp devastates the back of the guy's coat.  Shemp asks "Who made that hat?"  The guy answers "My mother!"  Shemp says, "I thought so." ...damn.  So far, no YouTube poster finds that to be a postworthy exchange.  Well, time will give it its due, I think.  The dude walks away, double take, and we see the damaged coat for ourselves.  Looks like the curtain a car drives through at the car wash!  Very evenly spaced strips on the back of the guy's coat.  I'll leave the real experts to explain Shemp's comeback.
In comes the dame, and the Stooges fawn over her, of course.  She wants a dress dyed in henna.  No, not henna color at all, but rather the brown reddish type.  Odd, because Shemp never ate a brown radish before... this may go on for years!  Anyway, out comes the part about looking for a coat and some slacks... she points to Hargin's clothes, saying "That's EXACTLY what I want!"  With stars in their eyes, the Stooges all too eagerly oblige.  And then, the untidy business of coin.  A job like this calls for a human calculator.  In the absence of Edgar Cayce, Shemp will have to do.  Shemp gets to work.  As it turns out, Moe's been paying attention, and he swaps out the safe combination with a different piece of paper at the last minute!  Sneaky little devil.  Speaking of the Devil at work in the world, the Stooges say the cost is $42.50, but the dame pays $450 for the suit, pulling out a stack of bills from another pocket.  She's barely out the door when Moe says "Aren't we the saps.  We had a fortune in our hands and let it slide through!"  Yeah, no one was going to miss that.  To kill some time before the big final showdown, they decide to search all the clothes more thoroughly for more hidden swag.  This doesn't give tailors a black eye at all!  Shemp manages to find a bill Moe's holding.  Lol.  A Day at the Races, anyone?  Moe makes Shemp look like a V8.

ACT THREE

The dude with the ripped coat comes back to thank the Stooges, adding that his wife really likes the coat.  He says "She wants you to make a pair of pants that match."  The three faint and fall backwards, because really, how else to react to that?
Cross-fade to the lion's den, where it's about to hit the fan.  Hey, it's the guy who turns around and looks!  I love that guy.  Hargin gets his clothes back, but the safe combination's been replaced with a Pip Boys receipt.  "They even took my bankroll, the dirty crooks," says Hargin.  Off they go.
Horizontal wipe to next scene: the Stooges are hard at work, when three beefy guys pretending to be old men just waltz right in behind the counter!  Shemp sees the telltale "TH" on the dude's coat, and probably oversteps his bounds by pulling on Hargin's fake beard.  Again, we look to Loose Loot for similarities.  Hargin asks Shemp about the scrap of paper.  Shemp describes it very thoroughly, then says "I never sore it..."  That's probably the highlight of the whole film right there. 
And so, LET THE BIG FIGHT/CHASE BEGIN!  The other two run off, and we're stuck with Shemp, who quickly dons the fake beard, fooling Hargin enough so that he loosens his grip.  Hargin realizes he's been played; he turns around, kicks Shemp in the ass, then pulls the fake beard off Shemp!  Karma is restored.  Hargin literally bounces Shemp off the screen, Stage Right.  Larry kicks his guy in the gut, while Moe gets tickled to death by the guy who turns and looks.  Moe uses the old 360 fist on the guy, and sticks his head in the pancake maker.  Good thing the Stooges aren't cannibals; otherwise, they'd be preparing some steamed skull for dinner.  Remember!  Twenty minutes per pound.  Larry finishes hogtying his guy, and goes over to help out Moe with his head-steaming duties.
Meanwhile, Hargin's got Shemp in a tight spot.  Hargin uses his vampire strength to lift Shemp up onto a circular clothesrack.  This turns into a variation of the Stooges' tried and true two-men-in-a-coat fight routine.  Shemp gets hit, spins around the clothesrack (12 fps, sped-up audio), and ends up hitting Hargin right back.  After the second iteration, Hargin's jaw is getting a lot more elastic!  Back to Schindell, who's getting steamed on both ends now.  He gets his head removed from the steamer, and he releases a cloud of smoke from his mouth.  As if all that torture wasn't enough, Moe gives him a light paddling on the head, which makes a very thunderous sound.  DOWN GOES SCHINDELL!  ...I mean, the guy who turns and looks.  "Success!" say Moe and Larry to each other.
Hargin didn't learn from his mistake, and gives Shemp a third slap.  Hargin gets hit by Shemp's foot this time, and faints.  Moe and Larry help a screaming Shemp down from his lofty perch, and they celebrate anew with the downfall of Hargin.  Officer Dent comes in to clean up the mess.

EPILOGUE

Moe asks about the reward money.  Dent smugly replies, "Oh, I get the reward!... but here are some tickets to the Policeman's Ball."  Dent goes to use their phone to call the paddywagon to pick up all the bad guys.
It's unclear who's crying at this point, but there are definitely tears shed, perhaps by Shemp.  Fortunately, Hargin's the gift that keeps on giving, as Shemp stands next to a knocked-out Hargin and finds another wad of bills on Hargin's person.  Like clockwork, Moe helps Shemp hide it from Dent, as Dent returns to take Hargin away.  With Dent gone, it's now time to count the dirty spoils of justice.  Will the Stooges pay their creditors on time?  Will their tailoring equipment get repossessed?  So many unanswered questions, but who cares.  Time to move on to the next one, All Gummed Up.

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan