Their Second Mistake

Ah, pediatrics and the Stooges.  Hopefully that's the first and last time those two concepts are in a sentence together.  Unfortunately, the Stooges thought it was cinematic gold... and back to the mine they go!

ACT ONE

Well, you gotta hand it to the Stooges.  Much like today's schoolteachers buying supplies with their own money, Shemp is cutting bibs out of the curtains.  "Lemme put the bibby on!" says Shemp, twice.  He's putting a bib on an actual baby... isn't he?  We hear baby noises, don't we?  What gives?  We get a shot of Moe looking angry in the wrong kind of clothes to be angry in, lol.  And then... the illusion gets shattered.  We get a long shot, and each of the Stooges has a baby, quote unquote.  Thinking it's a tackle football game, they "hike" their babies to each other: Larry throws his baby to Moe, and Shemp throws his baby at Larry.  I guess that means that Moe throws his baby at Shemp.  I had to re-watch it to make sure I got it right.
Shemp nearly misses it, but to be fair, it was a bad throw by Moe.  Shemp leans forward and catches the baby.  "Be careful, will ya?" says Shemp.  But, Movie Hooligan, you ask, what's Larry all of a sudden?  Chopped liver?  Yes, but he does get his own scene, finally.  He burps his baby, and it sounds like an adult when it belches.  Or maybe babies sound like adults when they belch, I actually don't know yet.  Go figure, right?  A blogger who's not a father, what a shock.  This blog is my baby, damn it, and no one's guessed my password yet.
Anyway, back to the action.  Now Shemp gives his "baby" a bottle, stands up and starts walking forward.  And then... yup, the nightmare is laid at our feet, as Shemp trips on the rug and pitches forward, not only dropping the baby, but landing on top of it.  We hear the cry of a baby.  Jesus.  But just as Sandra Bullock hit a baby carriage full of cans in Speed, the Stooges are actually just using dolls.  We find out the source in a few seconds... I hate to Monday night quarterback here, but they softened the blow of this scene when they hiked their babies earlier.  Gilding the lily again.  Go figure; the Stooges for once are trying to cause less emotional damage to the national psyche than they already have.  Just to drive the point home, Moe says to Shemp, "It's a good thing you didn't bust this doll or I'd'a busted your skull!"  Moe heaps physical abuse upon Shemp, at least until Larry valiantly steps in to stop Moe.  At this point, Moe hits Larry on the head with the doll's head.  What an intriguing noise that makes, wood on ivory!
Suddenly... there's a knock on the door.  Time once again for three part harmony.  If only some so-and-so with a lot of time on their hands could compile all these clips, hint hint...  It's the landlady!  The landlady is played by a woman named Margie Liszt... no relation to the famous composer.  But who knows?  Having the same name probably didn't hurt either.  Now, according to the IMDb, one of my favourite web sites of all time, she did four Stooge shorts altogether.  The one I know her best from is the iconic Income Tax Sappy.  She seems to be to the Stooges what Katherine Helmond is to Terry Gilliam, for those of you SAT Test fans out there.  I only point this out because this Stooge short doesn't have the usual gang of idiots: Emil Sitka, Vernon Dent, Kenneth MacMillan, what have you.  It's unsettling!  Anyway, as it turns out, the Stooges borrowed the landlady's daughter's dolls so that they could practice being babysitters.  Good thing the landlady didn't see them practice!
Moe shows her the teeny tiny book they're using to practice, and Shemp seals the deal by suggesting she recommend the Stooges to her friends.  You know, to babysit.  Sheesh.  She agrees, but on the condition that she collect the money.  "Don't worry, we'll give you every cent!" says Moe.  The landlady, Mrs. Crump, goes out the door.  Thinking that they're safe, the Stooges all stick out their tongues at the door and say "Nyaah!!!"  Mrs. Crump comes back in and says, and I quote, "Nyaah yourselves!  Nyaah!"  Or maybe it's bleah, I don't know.  Then she barks twice and closes the door.  Well, she's a good sport, anyway.  Larry and Shemp try to bark back in vain, but they don't sound as much like a dog as Mrs. Crump did when she barked.  Moe gets his Stooges back in line, and fade to black.  Oh, it's just too sad to contemplate.

Fade-in... this seems to be where Act Two should start, but we're not even three minutes into this damn thing!  Anyway, having bagged their first sitting job, they go to a moderately fancy front door.  Moe ends up knocking on Shemp's head instead of the front door (you know how it is), and a pretty lady answers the door.  This is apparently her first and last Stooge short.  Her name is Lynn Davis, and some of her other titles include I Led 3 Lives, The I Don't Care Girl and Strip Tease College Girls.  Oh my!  Sounds almost as tawdry as that Mamie Van Doren vehicle, Sex Kittens go to College.  Apparently, she was also a singer that sang on the 1980s films The Woman in Red and Little Shop of Horrors... somehow, I think that's a mistake, like Brad Garrett in Eight Men Out.  It's not the Everybody Loves Raymond Brad Garrett!
Anyway, the Stooges go into the house proper.  Shemp heads right for the knick-knack cabinet, but Moe holds him back.  Plenty of time for that when the parents go out for the night.  This was before all these damn video cameras were all over the place!  This Lynn Davis is kind of a wooden performer, but she seems to get this part right.  She says "Now, boys, I... GASP!"  She doesn't actually say the word "gasp," like Bugs Bunny in Falling Hare, but she makes the noise.  And why?  Well, her baby seems to have a gun in its mouth... in fact, yes, it does!  Now we're talking.  Finally!  A couple as bad with children as the Stooges!  Even the Stooges know that what they've just seen is not a good thing, and the four of them immediately run over to the crib.  The woman takes the gun away and casually points it at the Stooges... oh, my mere brief description just can't do it justice.  And, of course, it doesn't help that I can't directly link to the damn scene!  Sorry, folks, but I'm still sore about that.  As it turns out, this woman is a single mother, and she's concerned that a "certain party" is going to kidnap her kid.  Probably the father, right?  Well, she's concerned, but she's dressed to kill and she kinda looks like Britney Spears.  A girl like that has to have some fun sometime, am I right?  And so, she goes out, and the Stooges are left alone with the kid.
It's probably once again time for Act Two, but it's not even the five minute mark yet!  Moe quickly takes the opportunity to lay down some marching orders: Moe will take care of the kid, Larry is ordered to "rustle up some toys," and Shemp's on kitchen patrol.  Now, NRA members, pay attention to this next sequence.  It might come up in your future.  Moe points the gun at Shemp, and Shemp says "HEY!  Look out with that pistol."  See, this is why they're comedians and not cowboys.  COMEDIANS DON'T USE GUNS!!!  Okay, back to the action.  Moe reassures Shemp that the gun's not loaded, and gives him a good shove to the side.  You know, so Shemp can test the gun.  Shemp starts trying out each chamber of the gun and... yup, he manages to find one bullet in it.  Jesus.  Moe gets a comedy injury out of the deal: he gets a perfect line taken out of his hair... hmm!  Must've been the last day of filming or something.  It still looks pretty good!

ACT TWO

Okay, I can't take it anymore.  Time for Act Two.  Moe tries to kick Shemp, but falls on his ass instead.  Looks like it was really him, too, poor guy.  Still doing his own stunts at 53.  And then... the baby starts crying.  And, just as in real life, a crying baby brings everything to a halt.  Moe summons his Stooges.  Why, Shemp even returns!  That's the power of the Stooge summons.  Moe says "See if you can quiet that kid.  He's driving me nuts!"  Let's just skip that part for now... actually, no.  I don't know why, but on behalf of parents everywhere, let me just say what you're thinking.  Less than ten seconds of a baby crying drives you nuts?  Tell me he just didn't say that.  Okay, back to the action.  First up: Larry tries to calm down the baby with the old "kitchy kitchy coo" trick.  He ends up getting bitten.  Baby: 1, Stooges: 0.
Over to Moe and Shemp.  Fortunately, Moe's brought the book with him.  He orders Shemp to read it, but Shemp says "Aw, you know I can't read good!"  Oh, the things comedians could get away with back in the day.  Nowadays they gotta be all smart 'n sh.. stuff.  And so, Moe reads the book.  The book suggests that an adult standing on their head will de-sour and sweeten a crying baby.  Brought to you by Geritol.  Shemp is elected and says... I was contemplating skipping this detail, but I might as well note it, as it is a Stooge detail.  Shemp says "EUREKA!" and Moe responds "You don't smell so good either!" and hits Shemp with an apple.  Actually, Moe presses an apple to Shemp's forehead, then smashes it, scattering bits of apple all over the Lloyd's nice, once-clean floor.  Congratulations, Lloyd family.  You're now a member of the extended, ever-growing worldwide Stooge family.
And so, Shemp goes into action.  Not bad for a guy his age!  I gotta stop obsessing about age so much.  Shemp runs over to the wall and stands on his head.  And... it works!  The baby starts laughing.  Of course, that's the audio.  The visual looks like the baby's suddenly possessed by a lesser imp or demon.  Pediatricians, help me out here: does that look like any laughing baby you've ever seen?  I mean, seriously?  Maybe it's Mickey Rooney with heavy pancake makeup pretending to be an infant, who knows.  Speaking of audio, I think they had to dub in his lines after he stands on his head.  You know, like how Britney Spears has to lip sync her songs on stage.  Hard to dance and sing at full blast at the same time, you know!  It's a necessary evil.  Anyway, back to upside-down Shemp.  He's able to stand on his head okay, but he has trouble sticking the landing, so to speak, and his fellow Stooges have to help him down.  It's a two-man job getting Shemp off of his head, it is.  And then, as the Stooges often do, they visit other comedian's homes and steal jokes from their desks.  In this case, the Stooges pay homage to the silverware gag at the end of Animal Crackers.  So tacky.  So tacky.  But, to be fair to the Stooges, they do a paraphrased version of it, which Jiminy Glick would probably appreciate... actually, I take that back.  It might be longer.  Moe orders Shemp to pick up all the dropped silverware.  Moe then doubles down and kicks Shemp in the ass, but Moe loses this time.  Shemp's got a plate in his ass from the war... oh, wait, it's just the Lloyd's.  "I fooled him that time!" says Shemp.  Shemp and Larry start laughing like it's happy hour.  Shemp turns around and does the block.  "I fooled him AGAIN!!" says Shemp.  Shemp and Larry are still enjoying that laugh.  Moe eventually gets that eye-poke in on Shemp, at which point Larry sobers up right quick.  "You couldn't fool ME that way!" says Larry.  See, Larry felt his part was a little thin in this one.  Moe fools Larry, then sends him away to watch the kid.  Moe orders Shemp to put the silverware in the drawer of a cabinet behind them.  Repeat babysitting business, here they come!
Larry watches the kid by giving him a bottle of sody pop.  "And I just happen to have a nipple with me!" says Larry.  Now before you call the Creepy Police... they are everywhere these days in the Internet Age, you know... remember, it's a plastic babysitting nipple!  It's only slightly creepy.  The kid starts going to town on the bottle of soda.  "Hey, take it easy!  You'll drown yourself!" says Larry.  He's a fine babysitter, he is.  Eventually, however, the kid's eyes start burning from the soda.  Ah, sweet indoctrination into the sody pop lifestyle.  There's nothing like it on this planet or any other.  The kid goes so far as to wipe his eyes with his blanket.  Now, screenwriters take note: Larry turns around and talks to the Stooges.  While Larry's head is turned, the kid pretends he's playing baseball with the soda bottle.  The kid winds up, and... POW!  Whoa, dude.  As you know, I don't often feel sorry for Lawrence, but that was pretty harsh.  Cut back to the kid, who makes Linda Blair look tame in comparison... okay, maybe not that much.
So!  The kid's full, but what about the Stooges?  They're hungry, too!  It is time to feast on what figgy pudding the Lloyds possess, and the Stooges won't go until they get some.  Shemp goes to the kitchen to wreak some more havoc.  Moe and Larry stand by the bowl of fruit that provided the bounty for Shemp's head earlier in the proceedings.  Larry helps himself to a leopard banana.  Moe grabs a nut and says "Oh, nuts!"  Larry says "HEY!"  Moe points to the nut in his hand, and Larry calms down.  And of course, because it's a raucous comedy, Moe eats the shell and Larry eats the banana's sour, sour peel.  Yeesh.  Let's see what chef Shempa Deen's up to in the 1950's style kitchen... oh, this is going to be good.  See, normally the funny stuff happens when they're not looking, when it comes to the Stooges.  But what happens when illiteracy is thrown into the mix?  Bet they won't even have that in the Dumb and Dumber sequel.
It gets better.  Even illiterate Shemp knows that powdered soap by itself is no good.  Over to the spice rack he goes.  He's quite the chef indeed!  Shemp grabs several different types of spices and dumps copious amounts of them into the mix.  For some reason, he avoids the rather large containers of "kitchen salt" and "kitchen cleanser."  Probably for the best.  I dare say he's killing some time here!  He gets frustrated with the "moose-stard" and throws the whole box into the pot.  My favorite's probably the "gloves."  "Oh, little gloves!" says Shemp as he dumps the whole box into the pot.  Coming in a close second, if only for sentimental reasons: Shemp confuses baking powder with powdered bacon.  Oh, Shemp... always skirting the laws of kashrut.  For shame. 
Back to the other two idiots.  The baby's crying again, and they require Shemp's head-standing-on abilities.  Someday I gotta find out that Nickelodeon cartoon where the "guy" uses an eight ball, and ends up rapidly climbing the corporate ladder in Hudsuckerian fashion.  Alas, Yahoo's not that good.  I need more specifics.  Klasky-Csupo?  Bulging, veiny eyes?  Nope, still not enough.
And so, Shemp stands on his head again, and the kid laughs (audio) demonically (video).  And once again, Shemp's got some swag.  Lol.  This time he's got an alarm clock in his jacket.  This is probably the highlight of the whole damn film.  "What does the clock say?" asks Moe.  Can you guess the answer?  You can?  Ah, but which film had it all previous-like?  Oh, for crimin' out loud, I'll never find it!
Anyway, Larry's been in this one too much.  Moe sends him away to check on Shemp's unholy concoction that they think is soup.  "That's an order!" says Moe.  Time for the ol' slap salute, of course.  And then... back to Shemp, whose sticky fingers are about to get him in a little more trouble.  He finds a bottle in the Lloyd's liquor cabinet.  "You know, there's a thousand reasons why I shouldn't drink," he tells Moe.  Maybe that's the problem right there.  Who's got the mental capacity to keep track of a thousand of anything?  Anyway, no sooner does Shemp have a mouthful of the stuff in him, when Moe gives Shemp a good pound in the stomach and ends up with his own share of the pilfered liquor on him.  Perhaps that description doesn't do the scene justice, I'll be the first to concede that.  Moe ends up breaking the whole bottle over Shemp's head just for good measure.  I'm sure Mrs. Lloyd will understand.  Boy!  A lot of broken bottles on heads in this one.  The Stooges must've just acquired the means to do so.
And so, Larry brings in three steaming bowls of... whatever.  We get a brief shot of the kid looking on.  It's almost as bad as him laughing!  Sheesh.  And so, the boys sit down to have some damn soup.  First up: Larry with four spoonfuls of the stuff and a big smile on his face.  But then... the smile drops, the spoonfuls stop, and he looks quizzically over at Moe.  Next up: Moe.  As Larry stops, we hear Moe slurping off camera.  Soon, Moe's on camera and he gets in two more spoonfuls... then stops.  "BAH!" he grumbles.  Or maybe it's more like "WAH!"  Good noise either way.  "Tastes like a dead horse," says Moe.  Well, it takes one to know one... something like that.  Living through The Great Depression will never go away for some.  Over to Shemp, who's a little more refined in his soup consumption.  He holds up the bowl to his mouth, much like Emily Post might, except for the pinkies.  Shemp gets in three slurp-fuls of soup, then he stops.  Too bad he couldn't take a cue from the other two.  Shemp says "You know, if I hadn't of made this myself, I'd swear there's a little soap in it!"  Well, it takes one to know one... something like that.
And then... it's the Lawrence Welk show.  Cue the human bubble machines!  Some of the shots are head-on shots of the boys spitting out bubbles.  Some shots are side shots, and they've obviously hidden a spigot with their head, much like Mr. Creosote in The Meaning of Life.  Maybe vomiting is the meaning of life!  A little complexity to life; it can't all be about eating and excreting all the time, must it?  I hate to say it, but some of Larry's moans are downright pornographic.  The Stooges were never terribly family-friendly, and this one may be the best, most frightening example of that.
The kid proper wants to get into the act, too!  You know how kids are: always wanting to do all the fun adult things like smoke and drink and make love.  And you know, maybe they have a point.  Wait til you get old, kids!  You'll still want to do all those things, but you just might pine for your lost youth.  Take Mickey Rourke, for example... anyway, the kid reaches for a couple of bubbles, but eventually he climbs out of the crib.  Larry, after so eagerly consuming as much soup as he did, ends up on the floor, poor guy.  All he wants to do is try and rest his poor, aching stomach.  The kid goes over, sits on Larry's extruded belly, and starts hitting him.  Bubbles pour out of Lawrence's mouth when the kid does this.  Nothing more interesting to a kid than cause and effect.  But wait!  Bubbles haven't come out of anyone's ears yet!...

ACT THREE

Cross-fade to next scene.  Scene: 3'o clock... a.m.?  Did I misspell o'clock?  Will no one call me out on it?  Good Lourdes.  I've tended my own blog much too long.  Anyway, Mrs. Lloyd comes home to every parent's worst nightmare: the front door's wide open.  The three Stooges have overcome their food poisoning and are now fast asleep... with Shemp in the baby's crib.  "Gentlemen!  GENTLEMEN!!!" says Mrs. Lloyd.  This woman is not an actress.  The Stooges wake up.  After explaining to the Stooges that the front door was wide open and that the kid might be missing, they decide to double check.  Shemp tells Mrs. Lloyd that the kid was sleeping in the crib with him.  We'll just skip that part for now.  "Maybe he's between the spring and the mattress!" says Shemp.  Of the crib, that is.  Shemp looks to find that there's no kid between the spring and the mattress.  "HE'S GONE!" declares Shemp.  Now, most parents in this situation wouldn't let things get this out of hand, but obviously Mrs. Lloyd is a rare, rare exception.  Definitely in that 99.7 percentile, probably more.  Besides, she already knows that this is the work of her husband.  She tells the Stooges where her husband lives: the Folger Apartments.  The Stooges swear that they'll get the kid back.  Hearing that would make anybody cry, and so too does Mrs. Lloyd.  When suddenly, Shemp gets an idea...
Next scene: the Folger Apartments proper.  Boy, the Stooges sure spend a lot of screen time in one hallway after another.  To make matters worse, Larry reminds us all that Mrs. Lloyd forgot to give them the apartment number.  Oh well.  I have a feeling they'll find it soon enough.  Meantime, Moe directs Shemp to look under one of the doors.  Moe and Larry leave Shemp to his own comedy defences, so to speak.
As it turns out... boy, did Shemp pick the wrong door to look under.  As you might have noticed, the door's a little higher up off the ground than your average front door.  Shemp squats down and looks under the door.  There's a sweeping sound, and Shemp gets a faceful ... face full?  A face full of white powder... no, not the illegal kind.  Besides, they wouldn't just blow it around like that, would they?  Interesting thing about this clip: the edit happens in mid-blast.  You'd think he'd squat down, look under the door, THEN have the edit, THEN spray the powder.  Not so!  The Stooge's crew were nothing but Jack Brown professionals, and they could handle a shot as complex as this one... and possibly even more complex!  Anyway, Shemp ends up with a big mouthful of the powder.  Ain't that always the way?  Okay, so looking under the door didn't work... how about through the keyhole?  Shemp takes a look and... well, I hate to use the phrase tour de force to describe a Stooge film... oh, wait, it's no longer the Bush Administration, so French phrases are okay, for one.  But Shemp gets an old-fashioned key stuck in his eye.  It's a key about a foot and a half long, and Shemp stretches it out.  The key then dislodges itself from his eye and hooks onto Shemp's nostril, pulling him back towards the door.  Shemp's screaming the whole time, by the way.  Shemp hits his head against the doorknob... but there's no comedy sound effect!  Needles to say, Shemp has met his match... and it's just a door!!!  Shemp calls for Moe and Larry and starts crying, and rightfully so.  Shemp says "There's something fishy going on in there!"  That's putting it mildly!  Moe decides to investigate, and orders Larry to boost him up to the transom.  Moe looks and gets hit in the face with something, possibly a loaf of artisan bread.  All the Stooges fall down.  And it's really them, too!  150 years of stunt man experience between them.
In his rage, Moe assumes that Shemp is in collusion with the suspicious apartment.  "So!  You framed me, eh?" says Moe.  Shemp covers his head and turns away from Moe.  Moe, never one to shy away from stabbing someone in the back, kicks Shemp in the ass.  Shemp spits out a bunch of bubbles.  "You gonna start that again?" says Moe.  See how they did that?  The callback, that's what that is right there.  At this point, Lawrence comes to Shemp's defense, sort of.  "Pick on somebody your size!" Larry taunts Moe.  Moe ignores Larry's challenge and turns away from Larry.  Larry turns away as well.  Moe seems to know this, and he gives Larry a good shove in the posterior.  Larry breaks down the door he's in front of and... wow!  That was quick!
And so, after little effort, the Stooges have located "Junior."  Suddenly... in comes Mr. Lloyd.  George Lloyd is played by a dude named Myron Healey.  As with Lynn Davis, he doesn't seem to be much in the acting department, but I'm perfectly willing to give credit where it's due.  He did after all appear in over 300 titles, and this was his first and last Stooge short, which is assuredly for the best.
But back to the action.  Mr. Lloyd insists that the Stooges can't take his son, let alone enter his apartment in such a fashion as they did.  The Stooges insist that they have the right to take Junior.  As often happens in these Stooge films, we are at an impasse.  Will nothing break this stalemate?  As it happens... something will!  If you're watching this on YouTube like me, you probably didn't notice that Junior is playing with a hammer.  Obviously, these people need to get this kid a more proper flavor of children's toys.  But Junior's been practicing, and he seems to be a born Stooge.  Junior raises his hammer and begins his hammering.  What does he hammer?  Shoes, of course!  And apparently he's quite strong, too.  No small irony that the first one to get hammered, so to speak, is Junior's father.  Moe wags his finger towards the dad's face, and he gets hammered next.  Then Larry, then Shemp.  Soon, all four of the adults in the room are hopping on their feet, crying in pain.  Makes the kid seem mature by comparison, dontcha think?  Alas, no one to do a Russian jig this time.
His fatherly instincts overcoming the extreme dorsal pain, Mr. Lloyd picks up Junior and sits his delinquent ass on the chair.  Lloyd hobbles his way over to the table at Stage Left.  Moe and Larry go over to Lloyd and reassert themselves.  They're taking that kid, see?  They then congratulate each other.  "I guess you sure told him!" says Larry to Moe.  That's Larry all over for you: never taking credit for his own bravery.  After all, he told Lloyd off first!  But the main thing to remember, screenwriters, is that the Stooges don't have time to react to what's coming.  Lloyd picks up two pieces of paper off of the table and holds them, one in each hand, and he says "Boys?"  The two Stooges turn and say "Yes?"  And then... FPLAF!  Right in the face.  I take full responsibility for the onomatopoeia on that one.  It's my own design.  Whaddaya think?  It was either that or "pflaf."  Reminds me: I gotta buy more rice pilaf next time I go to the store.
Back to Shemp.  Shemp has recovered from his foot injury, only to have his sense of injustice toyed with.  He goes over on behalf of Moe and Larry and their new maskies.  Looks like the big finale's going to happen here at the Folger Apartments, on account of the time.  Shemp slaps Lloyd on the arm to get his attention, and then it's fisticuffs time.  Time for Shemp to kill some time doing his boxing bit.  Mr. Lloyd looks a bit skeptical at first, but he puts up his dukes just in case.  When suddenly... the kid starts crying.  God bless him, Shemp puts the fight on hold to stand on his head.  It works again!  And the kid looks like he's actually laughing this time!  Whew.  Maybe he's not devil spawn after all.  And on top of that, Shemp is able to un-headstand himself for once!  Good thing Moe and Larry didn't see that.
Back over to the dad, who's just so happy that the little brat's not crying.  Shemp resumes the fight, and Lloyd grabs Shemp by his lapel.  Boy!  Taking Shemp in a fight is far too easy.  Shemp starts flailing his arms around and... yup, he ends up knocking himself in the jaw.  At this point, before things get even worse for Shemp, in comes Mrs. Lloyd.  She sees the kid and says "Baby!" in a very loving, maternal fashion.  She turns to look at George and says "George!" as if she's completely surprised.  And why wouldn't she be?  She's only come to George's apartment; why would she see him?  Oh, and I almost forgot... apparently, these two were separated, and the mother was worried that the kid would get kidnapped.  But that's all forgotten now.  The young couple embrace, and the hubbie says "What fools we've been!"  Why, I bet the Stooges feel a tad foolish, too, but I'll leave that for intellects superior than mine own to hammer that one out.

EPILOGUE

I forgot to mention that this was a childhood favourite of mine, especially the part where Moe peels the flypaper off his face, says "Flypaper!", then gets it slapped back onto his face by a careless Lawrence.  But what about Shemp in the midst of all this emotional upheaval?  Well, Mrs. Lloyd goes over to Shemp and thanks him personally, as apparently he was the catalyst that brought this dysfunctional family back together, leaving them primed and  ready to housesit a haunted mountain lodge some fateful winter from now.  Mrs. Lloyd cries tears of joy, which brings the waterworks out of Shemp.  The kid looks on with concern and... no, he's not.  They wouldn't.  They did!  The kid stands on his head... or maybe it's a dismount played in reverse, that's more like it.  Incidentally, as long as I'm highlighting the cast, let's not forget about the kid.  The kid is named David Windsor and, like so many of his generation, they did one film and left the biz permanent like.  Would this not be the time to come out of hiding and tell stories about those fateful days spent on Baby Sitters Jitters?  Alas, there's no money in it, at least not from me.  Never mind.  The point is, like Billy Barty's name, standing on your head is a sure-fire laugh getter.  Mrs. Lloyd's laughing, but it seems genuine this time.  As for Shemp, he gets stuck in mid eep-eep, and has to hit his chest.  I'll say... three stars.


Great double bill with: Daffy Duck in "The Up-Standing Sitter" and Season 1, Episode 49 of "Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog," and I probably don't need to tell you the name of that one!!

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Bluto Likes It Hot

What is it with Popeye, anyway?!  He never stays with one business for very long.  One week, it's an orchestra, the next a diving company.  And now this: health claskes for wimmin folk!  I'll never understands it, I tells ya

ACT ONE

We hold on the storefront so the slow people might be able to get the message.  You know, just because Popeye is thin and scrawny doesn't mean he's capable of leading an exercise class.  He probably won't even tell them about the spinach!  At least, not until about the five minute mark.  But this is a movie, and Popeye gets all the customers he can handle.  In this case, four.  It's free as long as you can fit through the door.
When suddenly... we pan to next door.  Gotta hand it to the Fleischers; it's a diagonal pan, not your cheap horizontal job like Hanna Barbera always does.  And of course, next door to Popeye is Bluto with his cabaret business.  The sign on the glass window says "ladies invited."  Now, I don't know much about cabarets, but I figure it's all Bluto can do to make it lady-friendly.  Bluto stands out front nervously chomping a cigar, looking enviously over at Popeye's business.
And, of course, here comes Olive Oyl, the olive branch that always ignites passions between Bluto and Popeye.  Bluto persuades Olive as nicely as he can that it's in her best interest to go out with him.  "Gettin' healthy is the bunk," he says.  Hmm!  Kinda doesn't sound like Gus Wickie, but according to the IMDb, it apparently is.  He hasn't found his stride as Bluto yet.  Olive slips past the bowing Bluto and he looks around, mumbling to himself.  That's the Bluto we know and love!
Bluto looks in the window of Popeye's Gymnasium, and there's a cross-fade to the gym floor proper.  Popeye's leading his four ladies in a simple workout.  He waits impatiently for Olive, who's late.  "Sorry, professor!" she says.  Aww.  And so, the workout begins, and the music is, of course, Popeye's theme song.  He doesn't sing the lyrics, though, but he does blow his pipe for every fourth beat, and I mean every fourth beat.  Popeye has been introduced.

ACT TWO

Suddenly, the Roman and Greek gods of ideas metaphorically smite Bluto in the head with their equivalent of lightning bolts.  "Ah HAH!" he says, and goes into the locker room of Popeye's Gymnasium... what's that guy up to?  He's not... yes he is.  Good Lourdes.  At 1:50, he's apparently dressed in women's fashion, right down to the high heel shoes, lol.  And he's busy preparing the finishing touch: a shave.  Damn, he's good.  He grabs the worst razor possible, even worse than a Stooge razor and, as quickly as he lathered up his face with shaving cream, he shaves his trademark iconic beard off.  Alas, it wasn't a game-changing beard, just a regular old iconic beard.
Actually, that was the second-to-last touch.  The finishing touch is a Raggedy Ann head of hair, and Bluto could pass for a member of the East German women's swim team.
The giant she-Bluto struts out to the gym floor proper, and his wooing of Popeye begins.  Bluto says "I'd like to JOIN!"  The word 'join' is his only attempt at sounding feminine, but never mind.  Bluto then flexes his left arm.  Popeye seems skeptical.  He hasn't been in New York for long, but he's seen his share of the transvestikes, even in the Navy.  "You seem pretty strong," he tells Bluto.  Bluto giggles, and says "I'm even stronger than you!"  That tears it.  Popeye doesn't officially suspend class, but class is suspended for his latest pissing match with she-Bluto.
First feat of strength: pull-ups.  Bluto does a couple of one-handed... scratch that; one-fingered pull-ups with his left arm.  I guess Bluto's a lefty!  I never knew that.  "Beat that!" he says.  And Popeye does... I guess.  But say what you will; at least Bluto left the pipes in good shape.  Popeye leaves them all wreckety-wrecked.
Next up: some gymnastics!  Bluto is much more limber than I ever thought.  There's another set of pipes, but these are hanging from the gym's high ceiling.  Bluto starts doing... according to Wikipedia, there's no fancy name for it.  Bluto grabs onto the bar and starts swinging around.  The full 360 degrees no less!  And the icing on that particular cake is that Popeye gets kicked in the chin in the process.  The second kick sends Popeye flying.  Bluto dismounts and the four ladies applaud him.  Popeye's in a heap against the wall, covered in small dumbbells.  His pipe twirls and trills.  He picks himself up off the ground and says... I mean, sez "Too bad she's a lady!"  Time for Popeye to take she-Bluto to school, gymnastics-wise.  He does the same move, but hangs onto the bar with his chin instead of his hands.  Popeye's just a freak of nature, let's face it.  When Popeye dismounts, he defies gravity.  Foul play!
Third feat: the rope climb to the ceiling.  Oh puh-leeze.  Popeye wins that one in less than a New York minute.  The girls applaud again, but no one knows who for.
Bluto thinks about his next move, and comes up with a dilly.  The medicine ball!  Of course!  Who invents these things, anyway?  Between the medicine ball and golf, I'll never understand certain things in this life. 
And so, Bluto wails away on Popeye with the medicine ball.  Why didn't Bluto think of this ruse before?  Popeye can't strike back against a lady!  This is why Bluto will always have the first advantage over Popeye in these struggles.  Bluto lives by only one rule: the supremacy of Bluto.  Anyway, trouncing Popeye with a medicine ball wasn't enough.  Popeye ends up near one of those weight-lifting things anchored to the wall, and Bluto punches Popeye six times while lifting weights.  Oh, delicious irony.  Then, Bluto rips the weights and ropes out of the wall, and they land on Popeye's head.  Not so ironic, but still painful. 
Has Bluto found the perfect ruse?  It would seem so.  However, there's a million ways to screw something up, and...

ACT THREE

... there's one thing Bluto didn't count upon: that hook hanging from the ceiling.  It grabs his wig and he doesn't notice.  Bluto's wig floats down next to the passed-out Popeye.  The fully conscious ladies, however, they put two and two together.  Olive shrieks "IT'S A MAN!"  No bonus points for cleverness?  Apparently not.  Now in panic mode, Bluto runs over to Olive's side.  Olive holds her nose on high, points towards the exit, and says "GO!" to Bluto.  He does, but he tries to take Olive with him.  He almost makes it, too, but Olive's feet get caught in two hoops dangling from the ceiling by ropes.  Now, sure, anyone could just pull Olive's feet out of said hoops and head for the exit, but a) that would make the film more expensive, having to have all those outdoor drawings.  Take the outdoor scenes in For Better or Worser, for example.  Why, they had to do a whole 3-D background just for that!  They could've just had the matrimony agency next door to the Justice of the Peace.  Wotta time saver!
Oh, right.  And b) it's the principle of the thing.  Bluto's a strong guy, and he's going to make Olive set her own feet loose by hook or by crook.  Or maybe c) Bluto's just hard-headed.  Dumb guys get that way in full Flight Mode.  Well!  Bluto's luck just went from bad to worse, because now Popeye's regained consciousness!  Popeye's got the wig conveniently in front of him, so he quickly puts two and two together.  "She's a HE!" he says.  Just like the Stooges in If a Body Meets a Body... and others, I'm sure.  Popeye rolls a dumbbell over to the first aid kit and knocks it open.  Good thing that mattress is doubling as a ramp leading up to it!  Now, I don't thik I need to tell you what one item is in Popeye's first aid kit.
Unable to extricate himself from the tangle of ropes he's in, the spinach rolls over to Popeye in much the same manner as he just rolled the dumbbell over to the spinach.  With the spinach engulfed, Popeye is ready to kick some ass... just as soon as he floats down to the floor.  Boy!  He must've huffed a bunch of helium down at Coney Island or something.
And so, the gym-themed ass-kicking begins.  Oh, I just can't bear to watch for some reason.  But I will point out that Bluto takes a bunch of bowling pins off the wall and throws them at Popeye, much like he threw a bunch of horseshoes at Popeye in Shoein' Hosses, and much like he threw the xylophone bars in The Spinach Overture.  The guy never learns.

EPILOGUE

For Popeye's final act of whoop-ass, he punches Bluto up into the air near the basketball hoop.  "Get up, you woman impoikulator!" he says.  Popeye scores two points, of course.  I'm rather surprised that Bluto went through the hoop at all.  It must be larger than it looks, or maybe Bluto is sweating pure grease at this point.  And so, after all that needless excitement, Popeye gets back to the drudgery of leading his class.  The ladies sing "The way to be wealthy is always be healthy..."  Of course, most of today's billionaires would say that good health sure is important, but the real way to be wealthy is to either inherit it, or go into computers.  But you gotta hand it to Bluto for upping his game.  Lord help us all when he starts tampering with the spinach supply...

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Jonee Ansa

Cinematographer/director Jonee Ansa has two credits to his or her name: 1990's Harmony and 2002's Baby of the Family.  What do they have lined up for 2014?  Who knows?  Raising a family's hard enough.

Keep cool out there!

Too many headlines.  Sandra Bullock must've had them put it in the paper for her.  Something about how her movie beats the "macho movie."  I guess they're referring to White House Down.  But don't kid yourselves; her latest, The Heat, is kinda macho too!  I mean, Melissa McCarthy's holding a rocket launcher, right?  Oh, right.  I forgot.  Gender roles are reversed now.  Gerard Butler wears princess outfits now.

Aliens v. Jarheads, 1986

What the hell's going on here?  Another movie?  Well, at least it wasn't based on a comic book or video game at the time, even though it fits well into the zeitgeist of today, so I apologize for that.  But out of respect to James Cameron, who I fondly think of as Evil Jim Henson, I'm going to say SPOILER ALERT, because I want to dissect this plot.  Maybe not to the degree that Cracked Magazine did, but still.
For example... the movie begins where the iconic 1979 Alien left off.  Sigourney Weaver is recovered, but only by accident, apparently.  Like James Cameron's crew exploring the Titanic at the beginning of Titanic, a salvage crew comes across Weaver's... I mean, Ripley's ship, believe it or not.  One guy announces "Well, there goes our salvage!" when they discover live people aboard.  Weaver returns to face the wrath of the ... whatever corporation in charge of her expedition.  She tries to explain what happened, but they don't care.  She then tries to get back to a half-ass normal life, but they pull her back in.  Even though she screwed up, and seems to be suffering from PTSD from her experiences... it's still all she knows how to do.  So time to go back out there, and see if she can face the aliens again, who seem to have expanded to a similar colony in space.  She does have a relapse or two, but she's overall able to get back on that horse.
Now, is it just me, or do they spend a lot of time loading up their gear and driving out to the colony in that awesome tank-SUV hybrid?  Probably just me.  Someday I'll watch the director's cut, though, I promise.  Also, I find it hard to believe that Cameron planned things out this way, but I couldn't help but take a little perverse pleasure in seeing the tougher-than-nails army types get quickly decimated by the aliens.  That's the jealousy talking, of course.  To be fair, the aliens picked the perfect spot for their base camp: next to the explosive reactor.  The jarheads was framed, damn it!  They weren't allowed to shoot first and ask questions later.  Maybe they would've stood a chance otherwise.
And then, of course, there's the girl.  Cameron, enjoying blockbuster-related success with 1984's The Terminator, couldn't help but take a page from the Book of Spielberg like so many before and after him.  My viewing companion wanted to know what happened to her... Carrie Henn, that is.  Did the biz chew her up and spit her out?  Or is she working steadily even now... oh, dude, did she get screwed over.  She keeps in touch with Sigourney by letter?  That's even worse!  Now, her character insisted on being called Newt.  Kinda makes me wonder what Newt Gingrich thinks of this movie.  He probably thinks it's a work of genius, or maybe he insists that people boycott it.  Newt is a guy's name, damn it!  A guy's name.
And of course, with all movies like this, it's also interesting to see the stars way back when.  Lance Henriksen and his European haircut, Bill Paxton still enjoying his young dork phase, and the tougher-than-most-men Jenette Goldstein, playing Pvt. Vasquez.  I remember her from Terminator 2 and Lethal Weapon 2, where she gets blown up before diving into her pool.  And Paul Reiser... hard to believe he's a comedian now, isn't it?  He can always fall back on drama if he has to.
I'm going to skip over the ending, but I'll just say that the arcing electricity was a tad too much.  I don't remember a movie hero ever having to go through that much.  Why, all that might even slow a Terminator down a little bit!  But I was intrigued by this one part where Ripley faces off with the egg-laying alien queen.  Two drone aliens are about to attach Ripley, but Ripley fires off her flame thrower.  The alien queen motions to the drones to let Ripley pass... and they back off!  There was a similar moment in Deep Blue Sea... but we'll just leave it at that.  And so, the alien queen grants Ripley passage... but Ripley, the PTSD still fresh in her mind, decides to torch the place anyway.  Frankly, that was just rude.  But never mind.  Nice to see this again after so many years, and in sparkling HD, no less!  The starry backgrounds with the model spaceships looked great; bet those were kinda pricey.  A fine action flick, and I will say that to brush it off as a "rollercoaster ride" as most critics have is a little unfair.

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

The Genie Mile

Hopefully this next one, Three Arabian Nuts, will cleanse the jaded palette... pallet?

ACT ONE

Well, this is a little disorienting!  Usually the Stooges end up in a warehouse in either the second or third acts, running away from bad guys like idiots.  Not this time!  This time, they are humble warehouse employees at the Superior Warehouse and Storage Co.  Well, with the Stooges working there, there's nothing superior about it.  A missed opportunity in the Comedy Name Dept. as far as I'm concerned.
Anyway, Moe gives us a moment for the P.C. Police to jump all over.  When suddenly... up shuffles Shemp carrying a box on his shoulder.  "Well, this is the last one," he says.  Oh... somethin's goin' down!  I can feel it... BOOM!  Sorry, SPOILER ALERT.
And now, for another rare Stooge moment.  Shemp covered his head with his arms in anticipation of all the falling junk.  And perhaps in anticipation of getting hit on the head by Moe... in fact, more than just perhaps... he leaves his arms in place.  "I'm sorry, Moe," says Shemp.  Moe's a little late in reacting, incidentally, so Shemp said his line too fast.  The main point is, Moe wasn't born yesterday, and he comes up with a foolproof plan to move Shemp's arms: he tickles Shemp in his sides!  Similar to Alien Nation, if only slightly.  Moe then has clearance to bonk Shemp on top of the head with his handy clipboard.  Shemp picks up all the lamps that broke out of the box, but he's in a bit of a daze, lol.
When suddenly... see, kids, this is why it's so important to always check and double-check your manifests.  Moe double-checks his and discovers that there's two crates of china missing!  China as in dishware, not the country.  Moe has trouble stepping past Shemp to get to Larry, but he eventually makes it, and makes the job of the sound effects men that much harder.  No overtime at Cannery Row or working for Glenn Gould, you know!  Next scene: boy, some people know how to live.  Larry's making himself some coffee, and helping himself to some fresh china to drink it out of.  Things are different now in the days of Pier 1, Trader Joe's and Cost-Plus World Market, but back then, FDR's watchful eye was closing... mostly because he died in 1945, but still.  Standards were slipping.  You know, I never thought of the Stooges as muckrakers, but Upton Sinclair, eat your heart out!  For once, however, Moe is the conscience of the Stooges, and he quickly prepares to pounce on Larry and his mischievous misappropriations of someone's valuable imports.  Moe tries the ol' trick from 1984 where the fuzz has finally caught Winston and Julia, and they say everything that the naughty two say.  Larry, however, is holding a steaming hot pot of dry ice... I mean, scaldingly hot coffee, and he ends up pouring about all of it on Moe when he suddenly turns around... sigh.  I miss my ability to link with greater precision!  Moe dumps some coffee on Larry's right hand, and he smites Lawrence upon the head twice with the still smoldering coffee pot.  Dayamn, but it looks like Larry got hurt on that one!
When suddenly... the Stooges' antics have apparently grown tiresome to the screenwriters.  Time to bring a new character in to the fold.  In walks John Bradley into the offices of Superior Warehouse and Storage Co., played by the diminutive star of the silent era Vernon Dent.  He wants to know about his shipment from the Orient.  Moe tries to reassure him that everything's in order, but Dent... I mean Bradley... is probably going to grow impatient anyway.  The Stooges tend to get that response from people, and rather easily at that!
Case in point: Moe has Bradley sit down on a still-hot hot plate.  Dent gets grill marks on his ass.  Dent's mood changes about as fast as the temperature of his ass.  Moe tells him "All your junk is here!"  Dent waits a beat and says "Don't call it junk!"  So weird!  I was just thinking that that was an odd choice of word!  There's a loud crashing noise from the main warehouse, and Dent gets concerned.  Dent's holding one of his "priceless" plates.  Moe has him sit back down in the chair with the red-hot hot plate, and it's rinse and repeat, and Dent ends up throwing his "priceless" plate high up into the air.  We'll just leave it at that for now.
And so, the Stooges' marching orders are to get all of Bradley's imported crap over to his house tout de suite.  Moe takes us into the next scene by dropping vases on the heads of Larry and Shemp.  It takes a couple seconds, but the two eventually pass out.  Boy!  The callouses that must've been on their heads from all the years of physical abuse!
Next scene: there's a good crate-related gag that I hate to spoil.  Needles to say, only Shemp notices it, and there's a delay before the giant crash that comes as kind of a shock, especially to Shemp.  Anyway, that's the establishing episode.  We stay on Shemp amid all the chaos, and we get the next plot development.  It reminds me of the concurrence in Death Becomes Her, when Ernest and Helen plot to kill Madeline just as Madeline drinks the potion of eternal life... no good?  Okay, another Zemeckis example.  How about Back to the Future?  The FIRST one, and I'll just say that you'll probably know if you make a time machine that works, because your future self will probably visit you just before you finish it.  Okay, back to the Stooge film, where Shemp is about to discover the magic lamp... and we discover he's got some competition hiding behind a stack of crates.  At 4:17, however, Shemp breaks the Fourth Wall.. and he says FUNNY, not what it sounds like if the volume's down a bit lower!

ACT TWO

And so... as the story goes, handed down from generation to generation, for each subsequent generation to re-interpret anew, Shemp becomes smitten with the "pretty little syrup pitcher."  The two "baddies" looking on are long-time Stooge foil Dick Curtis (almost dead) and Philip Van Zandt, yet to be reincarnated as George Costanza's father.  Shemp rubs the dirty, eye-catching lamp and... POOF!  A large black man appears.  Shemp eeps and starts to run off... but he is a professional, and he knows he shouldn't run far.  They'd have to re-block the shot or something!  "I am your slave," says the large black man... hoh boy, here we go.  And yet, the Klan doesn't like this one for some reason.  I think they sense a trap a mile off.  Anyway, as the YouTube's Nagneto says, "OMG, you can tell the guy playing the genie hated his lines. =P."  Interesting theory, but I tend to be an optimist.  I'm just assuming the guy's a bad actor.  Apparently, he's still alive and able to defend himself, so I won't badmouth him any further.  Anyway, the Genie's delivery aside, the plot marches on.  Shemp mishears the genie and says "The genius of the lamp?"  C'mon, you jaded hipsters!  Laugh a little!  As we come to find out, Shemp is one to squander a wish very easily, as he wishes for a brand new suit.  Safe to assume it's low on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, somewhere between Physiology and Safety.  Obviously they need something in there about being a flashy douchebag... which Shemp takes to like a duck.  "Look at that chain!" he exclaims!  He runs to show the others.  One of the bad guys tries to grab him, but fails thankfully.  Or unthankfully depending on your perspective.
Shemp runs into Larry.  After his double take, Larry wonders what crate Shemp got that suit out of.  Shemp explains about the lamp and goes off to find Moe.  Larry snatches the lamp from Shemp's grasp at the last possible second.  Larry's incredulous at first and starts to casually throw the lamp away.  This is why he'll always be firmly in second place behind Moe.  As with most of us, it's not terribly often that one finds out there's a magic lamp in their midst.  Time for another 80s movie parallel: Ferris Bueller's Day Off when he first gets his alpha-male hands on the Ferrari, asking the audience "Would you take it home right away?  Neither would I."  Same thing with the lamp.  And so, Larry rubs one out... I mean, rubs the lamp.  Same flash of white, same muted explosion sound.  Larry's reaction to seeing the genie is a little different than Shemp.  Larry throws the lamp far away behind himself and it lands with a great clang sound on Moe's head.  Slightly better than the sound of Larry getting hit on the head with a typewriter carriage... WHICH I CAN'T LINK TO ANYMORE!!  DAMN YOU, ANTI-FLASH FORCES!!!!!  Moe yells at Larry, makes a complain noise like Curly, picks up the lamp and... no, he just puts it in the box rather than rubbing it.  Interesting metaphysical dilemma.  Also, something that's encountered in the study of computer operating systems: what does happen when the genie's out of the lamp, and someone else rubs the lamp at that moment?  Does the genie disappear and re-appear for the new rub-ee?  I think he'd have to.  The original story certainly didn't plan for this.  Someone didn't rub the lamp only to have the message appear that says "PLEASE WAIT, WISH IN PROGRESS..."  Sorry to shout.
Back to Larry, who's on the ground in a virtual heap.  The genie picks him up and says the same boilerplate stuff.  Obviously this is a magnanimous genie, and picking Larry up off the floor doesn't count as the wish.  Larry calls the genie "genie" rather than "genius."  We'll set aside the confidentiality agreements of Larry's wish; obviously, the genie's not a lawyer.  Larry says "Did you give that other guy a new suit?"  "Yes, master," says the genie.  "Well, PUT 'EM BACK THE WAY HE WAS!" says Larry, real sarcastic-like.  There's a joke there someplace, I just don't know where.  Cut to Shemp who's running down a hall of crates alone and... poof!  Easy come, easy go, literally.  Back to his normal clothes.  And so, just like the warehouse that was once a temporary stopping place for supermodels on Seinfeld, the party moves on.  The party always stays ahead of the curve that way, never content to stand still, lest it grow some moss or grey hairs.
And so, Shemp tries to show Moe the new suit, but it's gone!  Moe starts pulling Shemp across the room by his... I can't remember, I have to see it again.  Okay, apparently by his lower lip.  Suddenly, Larry opens the door, hitting Moe in the back with it.  Larry sees Shemp sans suit and exclaims "IT WOIKED!"  Shemp claims privileges on the lamp.  Moe still has no idea what's going on and, well, he goes Moe on the other Stooge's asses.  Larry and Shemp hit each other's heads, as gently guided by Moe... but Larry doesn't seem too happy about it.  Shemp almost ends up kissing Moe at 6:50, but Moe's not in the mood.
Next scene: the two bad guys are unsuccessfully looking for the lamp.  Van Zandt's in a crate, pawing through the stuffing.  Curtis hears the Stooges coming, so he slams the crate shut on Van Zandt's head.  There's some of Van Zandt's clothing sticking out of the crate, which Moe promptly rips.  They move the Van Zandt crate... but it's not shut!  Moe orders it nailed shut.  Oh, this is going to be good.  Curtis almost takes Moe's head off with a giant, giant curved sword... almost.
Next scene: ah, domestic tranquility... but the angry, turbulent waters of Capitalism are constantly lapping at the security gates, and probably finding their way under the suburbs, threatening to suck the whole house and backyard into a proverbial sinkhole of debt and distraction.  International shipper John Bradley tells Moe that he'll "make it worth their while" if they stick around and help him unpack.  Far too generous of the rotund job creator, considering the damage the Stooges have already done to his shipment.  Moe's carrying one small crate, while Shemp and Larry are carrying around the crate with Van Zandt inside, of course.  Moe gets hit in the head with it, and he drops his small crate on the foot of Vernon Dent.. I mean, Bradley.  Abort!  Abort!  Unfortunately for poor Dent, the Stooges carry on.  Shemp and Lawrence set down their crate, and Van Zandt gasps, now completely upside down, and standing on his neck.  Larry helps Shemp straighten out his back; even though it's make believe, I still can't help but cringe at my age.  Meanwhile, Moe successfully placates Dent and goes out into the hall, thereby smashing into the Van Zandt crate and knocking it over.  We get a shot of Van Zandt inside the crate, much worse for the wear.  Bet he's sorry he ever started doing these damn shorts!  Moe grabs a hook off of a table in the hall and jams it into the giant crate.  Van Zandt gets poked right in the middle of his daily duties, and has to cry quietly to himself.
Now, screenwriters take note: time for another plot device.  Because Shemp dares question Moe's authority, Shemp is relegated to helping Dent... I mean, Mr. Bradley, while Larry has to get more crap off of the truck.  Shemp goes into the room to help Bradley, and we see Moe dragging the big crate away with the help of the hook, lol.  Bradley's looking at the genie's lamp.  Shemp gets excited, but Dent is incredulous and says "I bought it for 50 cents at a bazaar!"  He then gives Shemp the lamp and walks out of the room.  Time for the genie to appear again?  Oh, I think so.  "Hot ziggety!" says Shemp as he rubs the lamp and... POOF!
The genie has been upgraded... actually, downgraded from "The Genius" to "Amos."  Hoh boy... Shemp takes a little time to think about his next wish.  Still thinking in rather narrow terms, at least spatially, Shemp wishes for a million dollars to be placed on Bradley's desk... see what I mean?  Well, it's a low budget picture, and it's not like Jumper, where it's a vacation around the world.  Now, here's something that could be fodder for debate: Shemp placed the lamp on top of the fireplace, and unknowingly knocked it into the burning fire as the terms of his wish are being hammered out.  "A million?  How do you want it?" says the genie.  Shemp says "I wish you wouldn't bother me with details."  POOF!  So here's the question: does the genie disappear because the lamp is in danger of being destroyed?  Or does he disappear because he takes Shemp's sentence too literally?  ...okay, maybe that's not worth debating.  Anyway, after the poof, Shemp looks around for the money.  This was back when a million dollars was actually worth something, and might have been in larger denominations, like a thousand dollar bill.  Why, the stack of bills might fit in one of the desk drawers!  The one place Shemp doesn't think to look. 
Meanwhile, back to Moe, who's now trying to open the Van Zandt crate.  Concurrently, Dick Curtis is about to crawl through the window to get at Moe.  Moe asks Shemp for a crowbar.  Shemp says he's busy... did you catch that?  Insurrection.  Insurrection in our midst.  Moe does a rare double take in the room by himself... he doesn't know Dick Curtis is behind him, anywho.  Moe calls it "mutiny" instead of insurrection and heads to the other room to kick some ass.  Literally!  He kicks Shemp in the ass while Shemp is under the desk.  Then he drags Shemp out from under the desk.  Shemp explains again about the "genius of the lamp."  Moe slaps Shemp and sends him out to help Lawrence.  He's been absent for a while!
Anyway, all this talk of geniuses and magic lamps is starting to get to Moe.  Moe says, "Magic lamps.  Geniuses.  Everyone's going bats around..."

ACT THREE

Close enough.  Moe's eye catches a fancy-looking thing on Bradley's desk.  Could it be the magic lamp?  Moe rubs it, but there's no tell-tale explosion.  However, Moe is at a unique disadvantage, since he doesn't know the ritual of the actual magic lamp.  Concurrently, Van Zandt has been freed from the crate and is now creeping up on Moe as we speak.  Moe looks around, and Van Zandt decides to confront Moe directly, and he comes into the room from behind the curtain.  Van Zandt's arms are folded, much like Moe's arms often are when he's about to confront one of his errant Stooges.  Moe gets an eyeful of Van Zandt, does a rather nasal double take, then asks him "Are you the genius of the lamp?"  Time for some cosplay!  Van Zandt says "Make a wish, and I will grant it!"
Note the difference in Van Zandt's approach as the genie.  Van Zandt tells Moe to take his time to think about what he wants.  Van Zandt invites Moe to sit at the desk and lay his head down on it... see where he's going?  Out comes the giant curved sword.  "Hurry up!  I'm getting a crink in my neck!" says Moe.  Priceless, priceless.  Van Zandt does hurry up, but once again Moe ducks out of danger's way at the last microsecond.  "Nyaah!" he cries as he leaps up out of the chair and lets Van Zandt have it with the crowbar.  Wow!  Where did that come from?  It's as though it magically appeared or something!  Moe heads for the curtain, but Dick Curtis is there.  Moe lets Curtis have it with the crowbar as well.  No wonder he died a few years later!  "Ah, ah, ah" says Moe, then runs away some more.  Moe runs down the hall, calling for help.  He yells out "Shemp!  Moe!"  Lol.  Meanwhile, Van Zandt is having trouble running around the house with that giant sabre.  He gets it caught on the doorway.
Next scene: the next hallway, where Moe picks a door close to the camera.  One door down, Shemp comes out into the hall, only to find Van Zandt with his giant sword bearing down on him.  Shemp screams and goes back inside, slamming the door on Van Zandt.  Van Zandt nurses his hurt nose, and opens the door and goes in after Shemp.  Back to the long shot.  Van Zandt closes the door behind him, there's a massive edit, giving the crew time to tweak the lights, and Bradley comes out of one of the rooms holding an expensive-looking vase... oh, this is going to be good.  He goes into the room that Moe is in.  Moe doesn't know what's happening or who's coming into the room, but he does have his crowbar and is more than willing to use it.  And... WHAM!  Right on the head.  Bradley, having been struck on the head, knows exactly what to do: he throws the vase in his hands as far away from him as he can, and then he passes out from the concussion.  Moe tries to nurse the extremely forgiving Bradley back to full consciousness.  Good luck with that!  With the Stooges around, Bradley might never want to wake up!
Back to Shemp and Van Zandt, doing the "running around a table" bit with the smallest possible table there could be.  Lol.  Van Zandt decides to use a bit of his brain and he takes a swipe at Shemp with the scimitar.  The flowers don't stand a chance, and they lose their heads instead of Shemp.  Next scene: Shemp and his beating heart, positively trying as hard as it can to leap out of his chest.  I wonder if Jim Henson helped out with that effect!  They play with the Fourth Wall some more: Van Zandt sets the sword down on the table, and Shemp affectionately hands it back to him.  The fighting promptly continues.
Back to Curtis, still in the curtain room where Moe flogged him on the noggin.  He comes to and tries to shake it all off.  Next scene: Larry brings in another crate.  Lol.  Oh, he always misses all the fun.  The crate has "USE NO HOOKS" written on it.  You'll never guess if the Stooges pay attention to it.  Larry walks into the room with Curtis in it and walks up to Curtis, standing in the doorway with the curtains.  Larry slowly looks up, sees Curtis' face, and promptly freaks out.  You'll never guess what happens to the crate he's carrying... yup!  That's the first to go.  Crash goes another crate.  At this point, there isn't a crate they haven't damaged.  Larry runs out of the room, and Curtis runs afoul of the chair on his way out of the room.  You know, this culture shock thing can be taken too far.  I think even the most isolated peoples on this earth in the 1950s might've heard of a god damn chair!!!
Back to Shemp and Van Zandt, still running around the small table.  They haven't gone so far as to move it yet; oh, I hope that's coming, lol.  When suddenly... the phone rings.  Oldest trick in the book.  And you thought cell phones were bad!  That gives me an idea... ah, it's probably already been done.  Shemp answers the phone, and says "It's for you!"  Van Zandt takes the phone, saying "Oh, thank you!"  Sounds like his voice was sped up there.  Shemp picks up Van Zandt's sword a second time, but he's not so eager to hand it back over now.  Now he's mad.  Now it's time to fight.  Shemp raises the sword on high... but he raises it too high too fast, and the blade part goes flying out of the handle.  Van Zandt probably bought it at a bazaar for fifty cents.  Unaware of what just happened, and all juiced up with adrenalin, Shemp prepares to sword fight with Van Zandt with an empty sword handle.  "Come out fighting!" he taunts Van Zandt.  He looks at the empty sword handle and says "NEVER MIND!"  Gotta love Shemp.
Next scene: Larry's in the hallway, running his bald ass off.  He goes to the nearest door he can.  At the same time, Shemp's heading for the door.  He pushes a big leather chair out of the way and opens the door and...... yup, Larry and Shemp get scared and close the door.  Larry's now back in the hall, pulling on the door and Shemp's trying to get out into the hall.  He verbally appeals to Larry, and then Van Zandt grabs a sword off the wall and tries to stab Shemp.  Shemp runs away a little before the last second.  Larry opens the door and whispers to Shemp... even though Larry can clearly see a Shemp-shaped object running away from him.  Sure, Shemp just exited Stage Right out of the camera's range... but this isn't a cartoon, is it?  Shemp can't just appear anywhere he wants when he disappears out of the camera's range, can he?  Of course not!  Don't be foolish.  Don't be foolish like Larry's about to be.  Larry whispers to Shemp and takes Shemp's hand... at least, he thinks it's Shemp's hand.  But Larry better turn around quick, or he's going to be turned into a pillar of salted Larry chops by the sword of Van Zandt!  (quick aside: I thought there was another story about a dude that's not Lot escorting his wife out from Hell, but he turns around to look and she turns into salt... DAMN YOU, WORTHLESS INTERNET!  Plus, they don't have the number of hits anymore.  DAMN YOU, WORTHLESS YAHOO!!!)
Next scene: Larry runs down the hall holding Van Zandt's hand.  Van Zandt is holding his sword aloft.  Next scene: Larry runs down another hall towards the camera.  He finally realizes it's not Shemp following him.  Van Zandt pretends he's starting a game of pinball: he pulls back his sword and lunges at Larry.  Larry manages to get out of the way at the last minute, and Van Zandt plunges the sword into the wall.  On the other side of the wall?  Dick Curtis, who gets stabbed with the usual boi-oi-oing noise.  Van Zandt is now struggling to liberate his sword.  Acting quickly, Larry reaches for an extra-large mace held by an empty knight's suit of armour.  And bang, bang, Larry Fine's giant Styrofoam mace comes down on Van Zandt's head.  Shemp approaches.  Larry almost bang bangs Shemp's head with the giant mace, but for once two Stooges don't hurt each other.  Must've been in Shemp's contract.
"Nice work, kid," Shemp tells Larry.  Well, Shemp was seven years older than Larry, so it fits.  Indeed, Larry acted like a true movie hero, hurting the enemy just enough so that they're still alive to fight another day, hoping that the enemy will step on his own land mine.  White gloved heroes!  However, Shemp is thirsty to spill some blood.  Larry goes along with that as well, saying "There may be more of these buzzards around here!"  So much for being true movie heroes.  Shemp then takes a page out of the Bush Administration's playbook, saying "I'll get a club too.  Smack everybody that's wearin' a turban!"  They then split up.  They can cause more damage that way.  As he passes by the camera, Shemp says "Pardon me" to... someone.  I don't know who.  Gotta love Shemp.
Next scene: ...yup, you guessed it.  Genius.  Jack Brown Genius.  Real Genius.  Young Einstein.  What I'm referring to is Moe nursing Vernon Dent back to health, and Dent's got a towel over his head.  "You're doing swell!  I'll call the cops," says Moe.  This may be a first.  Dent, however, has his pride, and wants to call the cops himself.  You know, so he can quietly ask for the Stooges to be arrested as well.  As far as I can recall, Dent is unaware of the presence of Curtis and Van Zandt.  Next scene:... boy, that was quick!  Larry approacheth with his giant mace.  Vernon sticks his head out into the hall avec towel and... Bang Bang, Lawrence Fine's Styrofoam mace came down upon Vernon Dent's head.  Beaming with pride, Larry tells Moe "I got another one!"  Fuming, Moe asks Larry "What did ya hit him with?"  Overflowing with pride and stupidity, Larry hands Moe the mace, and Bang Bang, Lawrence Fine's Styrofoam mace came down upon his own head.  "That was Mr. Bradley!" barks Moe.
Gotta wrap this up quickly now... I know, far too late for that.  Next scene: Shemp runs back into Bradley's home office.  He goes to the fireplace and gets the poker for shifting burning logs around.  He looks and sees the lamp smoldering in the fireplace.  He picks it up with the poker and places it on the desk.  "I'll take that!" yells Curtis, and runs over to grab the lamp.  Curtis throws the lamp high into the air, and Van Zandt comes into the room at that precise moment and grabs the hot, hot lamp.  What follows is an old-fashioned game of hot potato.  The lamp eventually ends up back in Shemp's hands, but don't worry, because suddenly, almost magically, if you like, Shemp is now standing next to a table with a big bowl of water on it!  The opposite of The Wizard of Oz, apparently.  I mean, c'mon.  There just happens to be a bucket of water there for Dorothy to throw on the Wicked Witch of the West?  Puh-leeze.  Shemp quickly dunks the lamp into the bowl of water and starts rubbing it, saying "Genius!  Get us out of this!!"  Which raises another interesting philosophical...

EPILOGUE

Never mind all that junk.  As it happens, the genie doesn't in fact have to be present to grant wishes.  There's another giant explosion, and Vernon Dent... I mean, up-and-up businessman, international importer John Bradley looks around.  The genie has tied up the bad guys, lavished gifts upon the good guys (by that, I mean the Stooges), and apparently cured Bradley's numerous massive head injuries.  I wonder if he thinks that lamp's valuable now!
Oh, there's a little more.  Each of the Stooges is being paid attention to by a beautiful woman... well, semi-beautiful, anyway.  They're just needed for one scene, anyhow.  Larry says "You're just my type... a woman!"  And so, the first computer nerd is born.  Shemp says "Hey, Amos!  You got that stuff I ordered?"  "Coming, Master!" says the genie.  I'll leave others to debate the genie's line delivery on that one.  Sheesh... The genie comes in with a wheelbarrow full of glittering goodies.  Reminds me of that game show on The Simpsons called "Me Wantee."  I know I'm not the only one who remembers.
And so, the Stooges exit Stage Right with the girls and their wheelbarrow full of goodies.  Do they share the wealth with Mr. Bradley?... of course not!  That would require a more involved ending.  No time for that!  Frustrated, Mr. Bradley grabs the nearest blunt object he can find and proceeds to hit himself in the head repeatedly until he passes out.  In this case, a hammer.  Disclaimer: do not hit yourself in the head with a hammer.  Unless, of course, you let a magic lamp slip through your fingers in such a cinematic fashion as this.

Good double bill with: Rabbit's Kin, of course!  ... oh, YouTube, you let me down again.

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Bands of New York

As you may know, Wikipedia is an incomplete work.  Huge, but still incomplete.  Their entry for the Fleischer Popeye cartoons in general, and The Spinach Overture in particular, has raised some doubts.  There is apparently uncertainty as to who voiced Popeye in this one.  The IMDb, on the other hand, seems more certain, citing Jack Mercer as the voice.  And I concur with the IMDb.  It sounds like Mercer.  Mercer seemed to be better at scat singing than Costello, anyhow, and Mercer made better spinach chewing noises, definitely.  Worthy of Homer.  Anyway, on to the cartoon, which is just kinda average...

ACT ONE

Oh!  Before we get to Act One, though... listen to the piccolo's slight variation on the opening theme!  Well, they've put some extra effort into the music, anywho.  After the credits proper, we open on a rehearsal hall deep in the darkest heart of somewhere in the five boroughs.  And as you can see, everyone's moving away.  On account of all that racquet.  We get but a taste of the racket, as we hear the band warming up.  God, that's annoying.  We zoom in on the building, and it's a slow cross-fade to Popeye's Ensemble Orchestra.  Olive's on harp, and Wimpy on percussion.  Wimpy's the original multitasker, using his cymbal to cook hamburger patties at the same time.  There's also a floutist, and a trombone player with huge buck teeth.  Hmm!  Reminds me of a guy when I was in band in high school.  He played the trombone and had big buck teeth.  Dayamn, but those Fleischers were prescient.
And so, Popeye calls his band to attention, and they begin to play.  I only know this from the DVD commentary, of course.  They play Franz von Suppé's Poet and Peasant Overture.  Must be in the public domain.  Now, at this point, the egotist that Popeye is, he throws in a musical reference to himself, with a tap dance and a blow on his ol' corn cob pipe.  This is why he'll never get to Carnegie Hall.  Time for a close-up of Wimpy, whose hamburger patty is finally cooked enough.  And then it's time for Olive's harp solo.  This is the part with "I've Been Working on the Railroad," tee hee hee.  Subtle!  I missed it the first go-round.  At this point, Popeye conducts the clarinetist with his pipe... wait a minute!  They don't have a clarinet!!!  Oh well.

ACT TWO

The sound of sarcastic laughter from the other room.  Popeye's pipe twirls.  Yes, Adam Sandler's screenwriters couldn't have structured this setup better.  Bluto's Orchestra laughs from the other room.  Popeye looks over, and the "camera" pans over to the other room.  Daniel Goldmark mentioned a name of someone that Bluto was supposed to be a caricature of, or a play on, if you like.  I'm too tired to look that up again.  In fact... g'night!
Okay, I'm back.  Hmm!  My links don't seem to work like they used to.  I'm unable to jump right to the part I reference.  They should strip the person of the millions they were given for that feature.  All right, so we'll proceed without the links.  So, Bluto apparently has nothing better to do than push around the little guys.  He's clearly at the top of the musical food chain.  Apparently he spends all his time in the Navy practicing the violin.  He marches himself over to Popeye's half of the rehearsal hall, takes a bow, then says "Let ME show you how!"  He then shoves Popeye in the face, and Popeye goes flying Stage Left into the wall.
Bluto begins to conduct Popeye's orchestra.  Arguably he doesn't have as much to work with on this half of the room.  There's less people, and they probably don't play as well as the Nazis... I mean, the professional musicians next door.  And then... Bluto's solo.  It's as if the heavenly choir of angels (Serafim, Cherubim, the whole nine yards) has come down to earth to give us proof of the existence of an afterlife.  It's the best day of your life stretched out to an eternity.  All is right with the universe, and all is right with you... and coming from Bluto, no less!  That just can't be right.  Plus, he flirts with Olive while playing his little violin there... oh, right, CAN'T LINK IT ANYMORE!!!  As usual, that's the part Popeye has trouble with.  The flirting part.
Anyway, Bluto finishes, and now it's Popeye's turn.  "With all due respect to the great mousetrap," Popeye mumbles as he takes the conductor's stand anew.  And then... well, needles to say, Popeye can't play the violin as well as Bluto just did.  And that's me being kind.  He downright sucks.  He makes Jack Benny sound good by comparison.  And on top of that, he breaks all the violin strings!  Popeye also kinda looks like Joe Camel as he plays, but I'll leave that for the more superior intellects among us to debate.  I do like how Popeye starts doing a yoga-type move while playing the violin... garurasana, I believe it is, if I may reference that without paying a fee.
Anyway, Popeye's orchestra starts laughing at him!  The nerve.  The lack of loyalty.  Rather than be outraged, Popeye starts blushing.  He's blown it and he knows it; there's just no two ways about it.
On to the next embarrassment.  Bluto kicks ass at the piano solo, then does a bizarre spin out of the piano chair.  Only in a cartoon could a guy like Bluto do that kind of move.  Now it's Popeye's turn at the piano, and despite Popeye's dramatic lead-in... well, it's hard to say what's worse, Popeye's violin playing or his piano playing.  Probably his piano playing, if only because he thinks he did well when he's finished.  He soon finds out otherwise as his orchestra laughs anew.  Dejected, Popeye's head sinks low, and Bluto invites Popeye's orchestra to "join a good band."  They go, of course.  But remember!  You'll probably be the first ones fired when the band company has to do layoffs!

ACT THREE

And so, Popeye sits at the piano alone.  Utterly alone.  Olive Oyl has abandoned him once again... I've lost track of how many times it's been now.  With this level of depression, most musicians or composers reach into the chandelier for that hidden bottle of booze.  Not Popeye, though, say what you will.  However, he does have a can of spinach hidden inside the piano.  He takes a bite.  And lo and behold, he can suddenly play the piano with his left hand!  Another mouthful of spinach, and his right hand takes over!  A third bite and he's able to bridge the gap between left hand and right hand, something I still struggle with as a dabbler in piano; I hesitate to call myself an amateur, as it implies some competence.  Anyway, Popeye is suddenly a terrific jazz pianist, even though he hasn't paid enough dues to play Carnegie Hall yet.  I'd like to link to the Fleischer's other cartoon The Kids in the Shoe, whose raucous third act kicks off with some hot piano licks, BUT APPARENTLY IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT ANYMORE!!!!!  Sorry to shout.
And so, Popeye finishes up his study in the Orchestra Chamber of Solitude.  Time to venture out into the larger world to strut his stuff.  As Bluto did earlier, Popeye twirls out of the piano chair and into Bluto's half of the orchestra pits.  He gives Bluto a good punch and sends him into the wall, sans hairdo.  Popeye claims Bluto's hairdo as his own and begins to conduct the hell out of the new hybrid orchestra.  It's all terribly epic.
Meanwhile, Bluto comes to and starts trying to fight back, and in the most childish way possible, of course.  First up: Bluto hurls a tuba at Popeye.  The tuba falls on top of Popeye, but Popeye ain't out of it yet, folks!  He conducts the orchestra with the tuba still on him by moving back and forth.  Then he takes a big breath (you can hear him do it) and plays the tuba.  The tuba unfurls and flies back at Bluto.  Popeye goes back to conducting.  He conducts with his big toe, for God's sake!  Back to Bluto, who's got a new hat made out of a smooshed-up tuba.  Lol.  Next up: the xylophone.  This reminds me of the finale of Shoein' Hosses.  I don't know why.  Bluto tries throwing the individual xylophone pieces at Popeye, but after Popeye's able to reassemble the xylophone, Bluto pushes the whole xylophone at Popeye.  Pathetic.  For his own third act, Bluto approaches with a trombone.  He tries swinging it at Popeye like a baseball bat, but to no avail.  Popeye's able to pull his head into his chest like a turtle, and lift his legs up to dodge Bluto's obvious attempts to hit Popeye.  Maybe Bluto should have tried to aim for Popeye's chest.  Oh well.  Popeye takes the trombone and uses it to make Bluto his bitch... so to speak.  Literally, I mean.  Popeye stoops to Bluto's level briefly and gets wrapped up in two Fist Tornados with Bluto, but the fight's basically over.

EPILOGUE

One last big punch sends Bluto into the orchestra proper.  The orchestra was resting on a multi-level platform, but Bluto's bulk causes the orchestra to slowly deflate like one of the Stooges' cakes.  Popeye wraps up the song with his own theme song, and he loses Bluto's hair at the last second.
...okay, I'll give this one three and a half stars, even though there's no 3D background.

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

For a better analysis of The Spinach Overture, listen to the DVD commentary by historian Daniel Goldmark.

Auteur Watch - ...Maya Angelou?

That's right.  Everybody, and I mean everybody wants to direct.  Angelou directed something called Down in the Delta in 1998.  It was kind of a redo of Passion Fish for Alfre Woodard, playing basically the same character in both.

Brad Pitt's "Ishtar"

So long, Firefox.  It's been good to know you, but your malfunctioning ways are driving me up the wall.  Maybe Safari will prove a little more stable.  Apple keeps their computer nerds in line a little better, if memory serves.  Anyway, that's right.  All the critics say meh, the box office says meh... but surely there's some moviegoers out there creating some flop sweat for poor ol' beleaguered Brad Pitt!  "The movie cost so much, and the plot's so tame... jeez Louise, we gotta help him out here!" they say to themselves.  Maybe this was that prank that George Clooney said he's been working on.  And on top of that, Angelina Jolie's working on Cleopatra.  I guess now they're the Elizabeth Taylor and... whoever she was married to at the time of Hollywood.  I think Eddie Fisher.  Old-fashioned flop sweat!  That's what Hollywood's built upon.  Take Men in Black 3, for example.  I've heard the damn thing cost up to $375 million.  Now that's flop sweat!
Anyway, World War Z is here, it's clear, and it comes in second place.  Well, it's usually tough to compete with Pixar's latest... anything.  In this case, it's a prequel to Monsters Inc. called Monsters University from the nerds at Pixar University.  Oh, it exists!  And before you know it, they'll be the ones buying up Disney.  It'll either mean more or less work for Miley Cyrus; hard to say.  But they always need MoCap actors to put on the green suits.  Maybe she can do some of that!

Straw Stooges

Welp, 127 down, 63 to go!  I must be getting bored if I'm counting them now.  But maybe this next one, A Snitch in Time, will cheer me up.  According to Wikipedia, this is one of the most violent Shemp shorts.  Better get a pot of coffee for this one then....

ACT ONE

...you know what?  Now that I've thought about it a little bit... I just watched the whole thing.  I remember a long time ago when ... okay, maybe it was about 13 years ago or so (actually 16!), but Martin Short hosted a special about the Stooges.  He cited as one of their "classic" bits as this one time when Moe fell face first onto a spinning table saw blade.  As much as I hate to disagree with Martin Short on anything, I still do on that point.  It's in this film, and I personally think it's a disastrous mistake for the Stooges to be doing their usual shtick in a wood shop environment like this.  But I will say that the trio of bad guys matches the generally ugly mood of this film.  This is the kind of thing that threatens to give the Stooge brand of silver screen violence a bad name.  I know they had to stretch and try different things, but this was a bad, bad mistake.  Zero stars.

BOMB

-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Next Popeye: Adventures of Popeye

Well, apparently this is one of those compilation pictures where they take previous Popeye shorts and splice 'em together.  Maybe it'll make for a quicker review!

ACT ONE

Scene: we see a live-action old-timey book sale!  But we can't see any titles... phooey.  There's something about oxen by Atherton... I guess we'll never know.  The main attraction, of course, is a picture book, prominently displayed, titled "Adventures of POPEYE," featuring our main man on the cover, b'atch!  Money changes hands, and the book is handed over to our tiny customer.  Awww, isn't he cute... it is a he, isn't it?  Well, boys' fashion was a tad different in those days.
Next scene: our young hero passes by a boy who's much older and much bigger.  "Aw, ya sissy!" he says... Holy Dubbing, Ben Burtt!  Well, we may never know who the live actors were, or the actors dubbing their voices... and perhaps that's for the best.  Anyway, the ancient struggle rages on, but with new players.  And so, this eleven year old boy manages to beat up our hero, the five year old kid.  I'm guessing on the ages, of course, but geez louise!  Talk about your unfair fights.  The Popeye book lands perfectly amidst the potato baskets so that it can still be seen for what it is.
Cross-fade to the bitter aftermath.  Bluto... I mean, the bully, runs away, laughing, and Popeye... I mean, the small kid what bought the Popeye cartoon... is crying.  Suddenly, Popeye comes to life, twirls his pipe, and stares daggers at the bully.  Time for the long, slow period of consolation.

ACT TWO

Now, normally I shudder at the thought of Popeye as a babysitter, but he'll just have to do in a pinch.  He consoles our crying lad the only way he knows how: clips of his previous exploits.  First up, it's clips from I Eats My Spinach.  And as you can tell, they changed the audio!!!!  Those bastids!  I prefer the Eats My Spinach audio, because the steer sounds like Bluto when it emerges from its holding pen.  Bluto is cut out of the Eats My Spinach clips, as Popeye focuses on beating up the large, unruly animals for the time being.  He turns the bull into an organic meat shop, then jumps back out of the comic book.
On to the next exploit.  "Don't cry now!  Just a minute," mumbles Popeye as he takes off his meat shop apron and puts on his trademark hat.  Next clip: from the very first Popeye short, Betty Boop Presents Popeye the Sailor.  Something like that.  Once again, the audio is given a makeover, and the fun parts are cut out for time: the part where the train cars all split up then get back together again, and where Bluto's neck and head turn into the Test Your Strength game.  I don't feel up to doing an absolute scene-by-scene comparison, but the main thing to remember is Popeye eats his spinach, which looks more like a pile of dry grass clippings to me, and Bluto and the train get their asses kicked.  And why the train?  Because it's funny, of course!
Popeye blows the next page open, and it's time for Wild Elephinks.  We cut right to the part after the monkeys sound the general jungle alarm, and all the aminals surround Popeye and Olive.  The sound is arguably a little better this time; the animals sound more like animals and not so much like a band imitating animal noises... okay, not by much, but still.  I prefer the way the lion says "I'm KING!" from the original Wild Elephinks myself.  Here, it sounds like someone yelling into a coffee can.
Other changes: Popeye's pipe makes a whistling noise when he blows smoke at the snake, and they cut out the part where the elephant remembers the punch that Popeye delivered to its trunk before it charges.  And alas, no rousing rendition of "Hold That Tiger" as Popeye turns everything into fur coats.  Oh well.
For his last adventure... we've only got time for one more, I think, it's time for the big watery finale of Axe Me Another.  Popeye licks his thumb, turns the page with his ass (so why did he lick his thumb again?... oh, skip it), and in he goes, stepping right onto the log before he starts sinking into the very, very deep waters of the river.  And once again, I much prefer the original music of Axe Me Another.  To save time, Bluto only gets his head hit by the two logs one time instead of two.  Bluto once again carries a log to beat Popeye with, but Popeye once again turns it into a high chair, and Bluto ends up crying in it.  No musical flourish when Bluto lands in the chair and the tray snaps into place!  For shame.  But they do keep the part where Popeye sings the theme song as he and Olive stuff Bluto's face with spinach.  Boy!  It's a good thing spinach doesn't work on Bluto!  At least, I don't know of an instance where it did.

ACT THREE

And so, with the show over, Popeye closes his book, jumps back onto the front cover, and repeats the advice for the kid.  He says, you'll be strong to the finich, too, young man!
And then... the moment of revenge has arrived.  The young tiny kid gets a hold of a big can of spinach that could be right out of the supermarket in Repo Man.  The kid's arm muscle turns into the Rock of Gibraltar!  Oh, don't they always.  Never Vasquez Rock or Ayers Rock.  Always with the Gibraltar.

EPILOGUE

As in all of these Popeye cartoons, revenge is served piping hot.  We only get five seconds of revenge?  For shame!  The tiny kid beats up the bigger kid for five seconds, and delivers a punch that sends the big kid sailing up through an attic window in a nearby house.  Never say never, indeed!  The small kid then sings the Popeye ending theme song, with Popeye taking over in the second half... I hope.  Reminds me of the ending of the 1980 Robert Altman movie, just before the end credits start.  I should give this four stars for being an easy review, but really, it's more like three stars.  Three it is, then.

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan