Premature 4th of July box office...

Might as well take care of this now. It's much harder for me to eat and play video games at the same time. Might as well keep this B.O. report short 'n sweet. We got three debuts this week. We got Nick Cassevetes' latest tearjerker called My Sister's Keeper. Oh, Cameron Diaz. We're about the same age now! Everyone's not quite turning 40, but close enough. Just don't do like Edie Adams and get lots of elective surgery... I'm assuming that's what happened to her. And she died last year! Well, heaven's a little brighter. Boy, what a rough week of celebrity deaths. And in honor of the latest celebrity... well, quasi-celebrity-spokesceleb death, Billy Mays, I'M GOING TO DO THE REST OF THE BLOG IN ALL-CAPS. IT REALLY WORKS! BOYCOTT THE SLAP CHOP! BOYCOTT THE SLAP CHOP! BOYCOTT THE SLAP CHOP!
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE... Man, that's exhausting. I don't know how Mays could do it. The second debut this week is Away We Go. And ironically enough, it's debuting at #10. Why, they spent a mint to promote the damn thing! And it had those cool animated letters and everything. They look homemade even though they're probably CGI. And the one shot of the car on the hill? What more do you people want? Just think of it as one of those commercials where the long suffering wife puts up with her idiot husband... only padded out to 90 minutes. Personally, I blame Spielberg for this one. Why, it seems like only 10 years ago when he was helping out director Sam Mendes with his DreamWorks debut hit American Beauty. But it was a different time. The edifice of the suburban family was primed and ready to fall, a ripe target for satire indeed. And now, ten years later, we got a couple looking for a city to move to. How's THAT premise supposed to catch fire? No, once upon a time DreamWorks was the champion of the little guy and the medium-budget picture.
Flash forward to today, and DreamWorks isn't even a studio anymore! Right? And yet they crank out big budget behemoths like Michael Bay's last two pictures: The Island and Transformers 1. What about the little guy? Where's HE supposed to go for a green light? No, the little guy's just gonna have to wait, because it's big budget blockbuster politics all over again, and a Spielberg production once again comes along and clubs the competition like a whole litter of baby seals. Or is it a pride? Somebody look that up for me, and post it here, huh? Anyway, it seems that Michael Bay has drained the Transformers of all its Spielbergian E.T. / Close Encounters / Amazing Stories influences and gone back to what he does best: films with military vehicles, military personnel, Maxim-sponsored women, and explosions, explosions, explosions. Say what you will about the guy, he's not going to put anything in his movie that's not cool! Not a chance! Even the nerds aren't REAL nerds. They're movie nerds. A true computer hacker nerd is not going to be dragged in front of the Secretary of Defense and say to his fellow hacker nerds, "I feel so under-dressed!" That dude's gonna get hacked! Of course, that was from the first one. It's a different world now. I don't know how the realm of the Transformers has been expanded this go-round... except maybe for robots that call Megan Fox a "bitch"? Did I hear that right from the clip I saw online? ..you mean, Megan Fox isn't one of the Transformers? Oh, shame on me! You know, say what you will, all you jealous critics out there, but I'm gonna just put this out there for all to consider: I think Megan Fox is the front runner for the Best Actress Oscar. You watch. She'll get the SAG Award and the Golden Globe first, of course. I mean, she's gotta pretend to be in love with Shia LaBeouf! Who wouldn't deserve the Oscar for that? I hate to badmouth Shia. He's an okay actor and all, but I mean, c'mon! He's no Zac Efron here. For a Michael Bay movie, does not each gender have to put their best and brightest forward? I guess the rule is: when it's a guy movie, the girl has to be the best. When it's a chick flick, the dude has to be Zac Efron quality. The only example I can pull off the skin of my teeth at this moment is Tyler Perry's How Stella Got Her Groove Back. Of course, that's a bad example, because let's face it: Angela Bassett and Taye Diggs STILL put whitey to shame. How about She's All That? See, the rules have evolved since the 90s and the dawn of the internet revolution. The rule now is: the guy can look like a hunk of shredded beef, and the girl has to be endorsed by Maxim magazine. If not #1 on their hot 100 list, at least in their Top 5 or 10. Playboy bunnies aren't cutting it these days. Sorry, but it's true. They aren't exactly synonymous with action pictures. All that running and jumping and other assorted physical exertion. Outrunning explosions, no. These are the things they must be protected from.
The other meme floating around out there concerning Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen is that it's the biggest motion picture out there... something like that. And being a serious hardcore budget fetishist over here, I'm all, um, Spider Man 3 cost like, a zillion dollars more? Okay, just 58 million more, but still more! Of course, Tr2 is a little more headache-inducing than SM3, but for different reasons. Mostly the choppy editing. Mostly that no scene in a Michael Bay pic is allowed to last longer than 1.5 seconds. Was anyone else reminded of Armageddon, incidentally? What with all those... I can only assume they were Transformers, entering the atmosphere all burning up and sh... stuff? Now he's ripping himself off! Go figure.
Okay, that's about all I got on this batch. Oh yeah, other big budget movies. Titanic was 200 million dollars. And that's 1997 dollars! The Lord of the Rings trilogy: 300 million dollars! Indiana Jones 4? 185 million! So not worth it. Makes Howard the Duck look like a wise investment. On the other end of the spectrum, who can forget Zyzzyx Road and its 30 dollar take at the box office? Oh, snap! No wonder Sizemore ended up in prison! Who wouldn't over that?

Auteur Watch - Jennifer Chambers Lynch

From the director of Boxing Helena comes... you know what? I think I'll stop right there.

Proposal does Decently...

My god! Has it been about sixteen years? Oh, that reference not only dates me, it's so old it CARBON dates me.
Well, David Carradine passed away recently... that's what I get for not taking care of this at the beginning of the week. There's been a veritable spree of celebrity deaths this week, but no one tops the King, who died because of all the lawsuits in the world. But the one I'm going to focus in on is Carradine. You might remember him as Bill of the Kill Bill franchise, or as Kane from Kung Fu in a close second, but I remember him most fondly as ... let me scan his IMDb resumé for the most obscure thing I can find... as Man Playing Dice in 1987's Heartbeat, that's right. Now, there's been a lot of ugly, scurrilous rumours about how he died, but just like Steve Guttenberg coming to Phil Hartman's defense at the moment when he least needed it, I don't want to hear anything more in the mainstream press about the dubious circumstances surrounding his departure from the planet. But I will say it might have had something to do with this picture of him in this year's Crank: High Voltage. I mean, check out the (false?) teeth and beard! WTF, dude? Even Quentin wouldn't do that to the screen legend.

Anyway, on to more pressing matters. Am I giving too much away by telling you it's my birthday this week? Did you get me a nice present? I hope not, because frankly, I can't think of anything nicer than Sondra Bullock's latest comedy, The Proposal, debuting at #1 this week. And frankly, she probably couldn't, either! She would never admit it publicly, of course, but she NEEDED this badly. I mean, producing the George Lopez show is nice and all, but that's just a day job. She's not going to do that forever... it's cancelled? Oops! Awkward... Anyway, it's the story of ... ah, who cares. All I know is, it's my life on the screen all over again. Girls are always asking me to pose as their boyfriend for one crazy reason or another. What I want to know is, for a 45-year old Sandra Bullock, isn't this technically a cougar attack? Or do we still give her a pass on that, due to the many ugly connotations of that phrse? And how is Van Wilder gonna get out of this one? Will he ever have a normal love life ever again?

Ambling quickly on to #2 is what comes after the proposal... and after the subsequent bachelor party. It's still The Hangover, still making Pixar's Up its bitch. I know these kinds of movies come along once in a lifetime, but if it makes 300 million domestic, sequel please? Just remember, Ed and Zach, Bradley Cooper's the boss here, being the most handsome of the three of you. He's still waiting on that Wedding Crashers sequel, and you'll wait on him, because that's how it works. It's all part of the grand hierarchy of show business. This just in: Ed Helms' tooth just signed a three picture deal with Fox Searchlight.

Up drops to #3. Guess you shoulda brought more balloons, fella! Seriously, though, Pixar, why so coy with the budget information? All the others gave it up! You couldn't have cost more than Wall-E, could you?

At #4, Year One makes 20 million dollars. A little less than Nacho Libre, but still too much for my taste. I still don't know why, but I still hope it bombs. So far it's right on track. Not as badly as Imagine That, but hey. Can't always get what you wish for. And rounding out the top 5, it's Pelham 123. It's John Travolta reliving his Broken Arrow-Face Off days, and Denzel... reprising Inside Man? As Donald Rumsfeld might say, you tell me!
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As for the rest, no debuts, so who cares. For those interested, Star Trek stays at #7, same as last week. Thank the new Spock for such constancy. As for Will Ferrell and Eddie Murphy, they'll work again, of course. But The Daily Show is still the hot new movie springboard in town, as you can see from The Hangover's success. Or maybe just Comedy Central in general. Who knew. For an all-comedy channel there's not a lot of laughs.

Well, that's about it for this week's box office. I assume Transformers 2 is already breaking box-office records, but we'll get into that soon enough. Over 'n out.

Will Smith: Super Guy

I've decided to save the sarcasm for the review proper, for even though he is still in the icy grip of the likes of Michael Mann, Akiva Goldsman and James Lassiter (not Pixar's John Lasseter) and an ever growing cadre of big-time Hollywood producers, Will Smith is still Mr. Fourth of July, as far as I'm concerned. Seriously, though, Will, the list is getting too long. Every film nowadays has, like, 50 producers and 100 executive producers. Jonathan Mostow? Didn't he screw up Terminator 3? How does he get to keep working?
Anyway, on to the movie review proper. I'm tempted to call Hancock here a prequel to The Soloist, but only because Jason Bateman reminded me a little too much of Robert Downey Jr., but at least Bateman's got some baby fat left. Oh, and because the plots involve a white dude helping out a black dude. If you want to save yourself some time and heartache, you can end it with this: as an IMDb reviewer put it, "a good idea... poorly executed!" I couldn't have said it better myself, but I'm at least tempted to give Smith & Co. the benefit of the doubt. And I think I see what the screenwriters were trying to do here, but let's face it: these days, how many times can you wipe the superhero slate clean? In 2008 alone we had the Hulk reboot, the biggest Batman ever, Iron Man, and ... something else, I'm sure.
As you might know, I like to dig deeper and look at the hidden or not-so-hidden connections to everything. One of the scripters is the venerable Vince Gilligan, perhaps best known for his work on The X Files, but for me, this would make a great double bill with Wilder Napalm. It and Hancock are both layered stories about extraordinary people coming to terms with the powers they've been given.
But I've neglected to mention the plot. Hancock (Will Smith) starts out the movie as a superhero on the skids. Good starting point. Try to block out the bad Superman from Superman 3... you already did? Good! Anyway, he saves Jason Bateman's life, and Bateman wants to pay it forward (1) out of the goodness of his heart, and (2) he does happen to work in public relations, something Hancock could use at that point. The scenes of Hancock saving the day, yet causing colossal damage in the process, were pretty hilarious. (Think the fallout in Ghost Busters 2, but all in the same movie)
It's starting to look like a Michael Bay-esque boys night out at the movies. And frankly, I was assuming that was all director Peter Berg was capable of. But Michael Mann has mentored him well, and at some point you might notice a not-so-subtle shift in the tone of the movie. I'll try not to give it away, even though the commercials for Starz! already did, but I would like to point out that we find that the husband and wife relationship of Jason Bateman and Charlize Theron is not so dissimilar to Larry Craig's situation: Bateman's kid is from a previous marriage. So, what is Hancock? Is he like Superman, or like Highlander? A little bit of both, as you might expect. The flying sequences were a little reminiscent of The Forgotten for me. I got the feeling in The Forgotten that they were done on the cheap, as they couldn't afford Vista Glide technology to make it look cooler. There's also an arch bad guy we meet in a scene semi-reminiscent of the big botched heist scene from Mann's Heat, but I think we can all agree that it's a bit of an afterthought, considering what he's up against.
I threw in the part about a Michael Bay-esque boys' night out because the film tries to have it both ways. We've got the funny destruction stuff in the first half, but then we get the maternal nurturing stuff in the second. Single people aren't getting the respect they deserve from our nation's blockbusters lately, I'm afraid, but alas, I'm not smart enough yet to address that full on. We're treated to Hancock's mortality, and a similar inverse relationship like at the end of the first Spider Man, where two people have to stay away from each other... oh, but I'm giving too much away now. The door's open for a sequel, but I'm not optimistic about it at this point. The box office might've been, but the franchise might buckle under the weight of Hancock's physics and loopholes thereof. I should probably give it less than three stars, but what the hell. I'm feeling generous.
...changed my mind. Three stars for the first half. And the kid in the movie. His name is Jae Head, but I still think he's one of the Culkins. And how did the Reno 911 guy get in on this? Isn't he ruining enough things on his own as it is?

**1/2
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Richard Loncraine

Well, I had to choose between Louis Leterrier, Richard Linklater and James Lemmo next, but I thought I'd be a true maverick and go with Richard Loncraine instead, another L guy. Oh, poor Linklater: he looks like a cross between Will Forte and Alfred Molina. But I digress.
Now, I probably won't be able to do Mr. Loncraine the proper justice here. According to his IMDb bio, he's quite accomplished and acclaimed. He did win a Primetime Emmy for My House in Umbria. On the other hand, he was replaced by Wolfgang Peterson on Enemy Mine. Which I guess would explain why ol' Wolfie was able to go from The NeverEnding Story to that one so quickly. On the other hand, he didn't direct for many years after that, and when he did, it was Shattered. I believe they refer to it as The Curse of Enemy Mine. It hurt everyone's career but Dennis Quaid. Go figure. But, I digress a second time. Third time's a spanking, if I remember correctly.
Okay, back on track. So! Loncraine's acclaimed AND accomplished. But, do actors like working with / for him? That I can't speak to, so I'll go directly to my Decade Theory. What decade of his long, illustrious career is his favorite? Was it the obscure 70s where he dabbled in quasi-experimental film? When everyone was fawning over Julia, he was doing The Haunting of Julia, but you might know and love it as Full Circle. No, not the 70s. So, surely it's the go-go 80s. 1982 was a banner year in particular, with his two quite opposite films, The Missionary and Brimstone and Treacle. These days, who's to say which is now the comedy. But you gotta love the opening credit sequence of B&T... that's the only part I saw.
Or maybe it's the go-go '90s when the world had to clean up the flaming wreckage of the Me Decade, and embrace a new found spirit of love and understanding, and the PC police were on the rise. And Loncraine's re-envisioning of Richard III... well, it at least put Ian McKellen above the fray of just your average run-of-the-mill great actors, and into the stratosphere. I hate to say it, but from The Shadow to Last Action Hero, every time I see McKellen in one of these now old movies, he sounds just like Gandalf. Not necessarily a bad thing, mind you. Apt Pupil, well, I haven't seen it. Would it kill them to show it on the MGM HD channel? Actually, it might. Okay, skip that.
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No, if Loncraine's smart, and I think he is, he'll say that the 2000s are his favorite decade. Look at all that work! All that successful work! An episode of Band of Brothers. Working with Harrison Ford. With Paul Bettany on two separate occasions. Oh, it's like Sting is young again and NOT starring in things like... well, things like Brimstone and Treacle. I coulda sworn Richard Curtis had something to do with Wimbledon. Guess not. Just seems like it, as it is Curtis-esque. Oh, The Vicar of Dibley. This is the kind of thing Monty Python would make fun of, back in the day.
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So, in summation, Loncraine's on top of the world right now, flying high in his favorite decade. And what's next? Oh, not much. Just a release for 2009 called My One and Only. Gonna be playing stateside August 21, limited release. Good way to drum up business! Play hard to get with a limited release. And it stars... Renee Zellweger?!! Abort! Abort!

Open Letter to America: Why do you hate Pixar?

Let me just start by saying, I don't know why, but suddenly, now I want Year One to bomb. I don't know why. Maybe it's Jack Black. Maybe it's Juno's boyfriend, I don't know. I just really want it to bomb for some reason. No offense, Ramis. It's just the jealousy talking.
All right. On to the fun stuff. Well, I gotta pay my respects now with the proper hangover-themed jpeg image, because The Hangover hangs in there at #1, baby. But, there are some heavy hitters on the horizon waiting to take your place. Other big comedies like The Proposal are coming soon, and believe me, you'll need a hangover to enjoy that one. Now, I hate to critique other critics, but the chick from the Rotten Tomatoes show on the Current channel, I think she said it best about The Hangover. In reviewing the three male leads in the picture, she saved Bradley Cooper for last, noting "Finally! Something for the ladies." May these cold, brutal, cutting comments not haunt you the rest of your days, Ed Helms and John Belushi... I mean, Andy Milonakis. No, that's not right, either. What is that guy's name, and what's he been in before? ...Zach Galifianakis. Damn, that's a mouthful. I suggest doing like Gisele Bündchen: drop the last name. And if you go out with Leonardo di Caprio, HANG ON TO HIM, for God's sake! Giz, what were you thinking?
Okay, on to the rest of the losers. Up at #2? LOSER! Pelham 123 debuting at #3? LOSER! That's Helgeland's fault, I know it. Worse, it didn't even crack the IMDb Top 250 yet like these other two.
Moving on, Night at the Museum 2? LOSER! Land of the Lost? Oh... It's too heartbreaking already. Quizno's will go bankrupt over this one. See, part of the problem was they were showing repeats of the old TV show, and people saw how crappy they were and, being naive and gullible, figured the movie would be the same way. Unfortunately, they're not turning out in droves to be pleasantly surprised...
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And now, the second half. Eddie Murphy's latest debuts at #6. At this point, it doesn't really matter what it's called. At this point, he's got two careers: his Shrek career, and his non-Shrek career. But Eddie's not going to work for Tyler Perry. No, he's too proud for that. Beverly Hills Cop 4, on the other hand... Now, Murphy's last two vehicles, Norbit and Meet Dave were directed by the same man: Brian Robbins. Here's my question: why not complete the trilogy? You did, like, twenty pictures with John Landis! What's the big deal? Didn't Norbit make a ton of money? ..oh, right, Meet Dave kinda counteracted that. Meet Dave made Pluto Nash look like a runaway hit, frankly. Time to move on. And, of course, a brief shout-out to scripters Ed Solomon and Chris Matheson who clearly have taken a long break from each other since the glory of their Bill and Ted days. Ganz/Mandel they're not. Elliot/Rossio they're not. To be fair, I think they're doing better than the Wibberleys. Or, at least, their souls are a little more intact.
As for the rest, well, you see it's all sequels and reboots: Star Trek reboot, Terminator 4, Da Vinci 2, and finally, Drag Me to Hell. Gotta love that poster. And they use that neo-classical Planes, Trains & Automobiles yuppified font! That's a personal favorite of mine... Well, I gotta give my family something they can ask me about. They'll ask me, "I didn't know you liked the font of Planes, Trains & Automobiles!" Oh, the shame of it all. I better go.

Auteur Watch - Neil LaBute

Why, Nick! Why the sad face? Things are looking up for this guy, so he should HARDLY wear a face like that. Good Lord. His favorite decade? Surely this one we're in right now. The 2000s. Never look back. Oh sure, it got off to a shaky start. He came out of the 90s strong with... basically, the same movie twice: In the Company of Men, and Your Friends & Neighbors. Oh, don't try to change my mind. Why, it's like Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction all over again, although some would argue that YF&N is no Pulp Fiction. The main thing is that Aaron Eckhart was his muse, the Penelope Cruz to his Almodovar, if you will. That kinda crap. Oh, but he was hardly done torturing Eckhart. He gave him a new haircut in Nurse Betty, so to speak, followed by the merciless obscurity of Posession. Then, have the audacity to leave him completely out of The Shape of Things! WTF, dude? But this auteur finally saw the light, and joined the big time boys with The Wicker Man starring Nic Cage. Well, remakes are still hot, and some directors can't help but ask themselves, damn it, why can't I too?
So LaBute was in the big time now. And how to follow this success? With another, of course. Duh! Specifically, a success called Lakeview Terrace. Some called it reverse racist pablem, Ebert gave it 4 stars, and the moviegoing public gave it a #1 spot to the tune of about 22 million dollars. It's a win-win-win, baby. So! How to follow up that fluke? Well, Neil knows the way: another remake. This one's called Death at a Funeral. Man! Frank Oz needs to get a better distribution deal! I mean, remaking a film that's only three years old? Why? Just to say you did it? Here's hoping it does better than Chloe in the Afternoon, Chris Rock! I better go...

Another stunning reversal...

...but I'm going with the "Pixar" image anyway. Yes, God love 'em, The Hangover wins the big recount! It is now the #1 movie this week instead of Up. Well, 90% of 68 million is still better than... whatever percentage Disney gets of that 44 million that Up made this week. I'm assuming it's less. But in terms of legacy, Up is higher up than The Hangover on the IMDb Top 250, although I'm assuming both will drop. Shawshank will not be easily threatened by every wannabe that comes along.
But what I REALLY wanted to discuss this week: Will Ferrell. And even though Land of the Lost bites the big one at #3, one can't help but notice that Mr. Ferrell is entering that all-important phase in a funnyman's career: polishing that public image. Oh, he's more than just the goofy SNL funnyman to be sure, in case you didn't already know, with his Dog Show bits and pretending to be a cat when inventing new cat toys. And it's more than just making surprise visits to his alma mater and entertaining the bigshots of tomorrow. Now it's going to all the big ribbon cuttings and visiting the big, sexy government agencies like NASA, and really solidifying the old public image. He's probably not going to end up going as far as Angelina Jolie and become a special envoy to the U.N. and save children or some crap like that. But he's going to come close. Damn close, while still walking that tightrope between being the goofy comedian and being the absolute envy of all those talentless WASPy white men out there who look to him for guidance in their daily professional and personal lives. He's got to solidify his position in the world as a world citizen, because the box office totals aren't going to do it on their own, obviously. Personally, I blame Silberling for this. I mean, 10 Items or Less, my ass!
Moving quickly on to #4, it's... let me check the window here... NatM:BotS for short with Benjamin Stiller the First. It's over the 100 million barrier for sure... but not by enough, damn it! At #5, Star Trek. Over the 200 million barrier for sure... but not by enough, damn it! What is with you, thrifty American moviegoing public? Get it together, man!
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As for 6 thru 10, or 'The Dregs' as I lovingly think of them, a bunch of bloody sequels, metaphorical or real. Here's what I mean: #6 is Terminator 4, which I think is the first time a McG film's crossed the 100 million barrier domestically. Certainly since We Are Marshall. Yeeggggh! At #7, Evil Dead 4, basically. I know, I know, it is better than that. Gotta dig that poster. Just pullin' your chain, Raimi. Now get back to Spider Man 4. At #8, Da Vinci Code 2, at #10, Dance Flick 1 or Wayans Bros. Comedy 7! Something like that. And finally, a breakthrough debut! My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 at #9. Or 3 if you count Connie & Carla as MBFGW2. No, the title's not just referring to Vardalos' career rise and fall post Greek Wedding. She's getting back to rom-com basics with this. Incidentally, wonder whatever happened to that FOX reality spinoff show, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss? Oh, no one can ride the gravy train forever.
Except Spielberg, of course.

Auteur Watch - Alex Kendrick

Do you realize I'm still using only 1% of the allotted space that my blog allows? Man! So much more blogging to do. Anyway, seeing as how I'm trying to wrap it up so I can get into my damn bed, I couldn't think of a more appropriate auteur to profile than Alex Kendrick. With his brother Stephen by his side, they're kind of a religious Coen brothers. I profiled Alex last year because his latest F picture, Fireproof, managed to crack the top 10. See that, Pat Robertson? All you need is a little star power and a budget, and the moviegoing public will indeed respond. Look at Angels and Demons! ...well, better look quick before it disappears entirely. Lamentably, there's nothing new on the horizon for the Kendricks. Perhaps they've gone quietly back to the day jobs, or maybe they got into a big diva fest with Lions Gate, jealous of the deal Tyler Perry's got with them. Sorry, guys, but Tyler's got at least 5 years seniority on you. Incidentally, Ty, you can't be huggin' on the Fresh Prince's bride like that! WTF, man?
...where was I? Ah, who cares.

Up, up and away...

Damn! That's what I get for procrastinating. Down to the wire again. It'll be about 10 hours before the next box office totals are posted, and I think I'm about ready for sleep, so I apologize in advance, but I gotta keep it short. As expected, the latest Pixar juggernaut, Up, is king of the box office. Leaving all others in its dust, this seemingly simple fable of an old man who sails his house away by attaching thousands of regular balloons to it, is surrounded by complex marketing strategies. As we speak, they're running the ads showing plane-flying bulldogs parachuting. Reminds me of Valiant. Oops! Must not... mention... other... Pixar-esque films.
The other debut this week is Sam Raimi's latest, Drag Me to Hell. For some reason, I thought this was doomed to obscurity and a small release. Quite the opposite! While it's no Up, it's got legs of its own, proving that there is STILL a market for PG-13 movies. Why, there's not an R in the bunch this week! Something troubling about that. Also would like to point out Obsessed's anemic take at #10, with only 657,000 in the bank this week. On the plus side, the theaters get a higher percentage of that, but let's try to keep the #10 film above at least 1 million, okay, guys? (... I don't know who that's for, exactly...)

Short Reviews - May 2009

Ah, the final week of school. Is there any better time of year? I wanted to be able to hammer out the latest box office breakdown and episode of Auteur Watch first, but homework duty calls. Not to mention the hyperlinks. Always with the hyperlinks. I thought computers were supposed to make our lives easier. Meanwhile, dog activist Kim Sill recently appeared on the Dog Whisperer... Hmm! Why does she look familiar? In other news, when is Michael Chiklis going to star in the Joe the Plumber story? Just wondering. Okay, on to the reviews...

Mega Shark vs. Octopus - I have had it with these m#@$% Mega Sharks!

Up - If you don't like this film, you're not a human being.

BASEketball - If you don't laugh at this movie... you have a normal, healthy sense of humor.

Management - Ah, the Battle of the Sexes rages on. The women put up their best and brightest: Jennifer Aniston. Smart, funny, erudite, and looking fabulous. And the men put up their best and brightest: Steve Zahn. Handsome face, bad haircut, frumpy clothing, 75 IQ, and tells Aniston at one point that she's got a great butt. Can you even doubt that these two deserve each other? Are they not evenly matched?

The Last Templar - Oh, Mira Sorvino! You've joined the Jesus Freaks, too?

Basic Instinct 2 - If there was one film Charlotte Rampling could take off her resumé, well, ...

State of Play - Not only are the newspapers going bankrupt, but movies about newspapers on the verge of bankruptcy are going bankrupt too! And of course, see the original series...

Rules of Engagement - I have had it with these motherf** Vietnam War movies!

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past - We know, we know. It's always the girlfriends' fault.

Making Sandwiches - Bud Hoagie? Great name!

Once Around - Now Dreyfuss is the Bob!

Batman Forever - Now Tommy's the Chigurh!

Year One - I'm sorry. There's only one definitive Stone Age comedy, and that's National Lampoon's The Stoned Age. Which I've never seen, but you would think it would be good. ...right?

Cassandra's Dream - I'm starting to wonder. Between this, and Crimes and Misdemeanors, and Match Point... Woody, is there something you're trying to tell us? Did you once shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die?

Management - ...just saw the profile of this on the Rotten Tomatoes TV show. This is surely the When Harry Met Sally of this era. On the other hand, you may think Zahn is this close to getting his ass kicked by telling Jennifer Aniston that she's got a great butt. But it works! He gets to touch it! He must be doing SOMETHING right! I'm as much a part of the feminist movement as the next guy, but clearly the feminists have given up on the mainstream media sphere. It's been downhill for many years now, and surely this shouldn't even qualify as a 'gut check' checkpoint, but it's just too good to pass up. And right after Marley and Me and everything. What would Marley say?

The Spirit - A PG-13 version of The Spirit at Wal-Mart? Oh, no. This is wrong. So very wrong. On many, many levels. I think Frank Miller's street cred's gonna take a hit over this one... (robocop 3)

The Devil's Tomb - What? Cuba Gooding Jr., you want to be taken seriously NOW? I don't think so. Not after the likes of light, fluffy family fare like Rat Race, Snow Dogs and Instinct.

The Girl Gets Moe - Tony Danza, you want to be taken seriously NOW?!!!

Rudo Y Corsi - Just replace the soccer with filmmaking, and you've got the Cuaron brothers' life story. Face it, Carlos, you're just late to the game!

"The Insider" - Is Ashley Tisdale hosting "The Insider" now?

Angels & Demons - Well, Tom Hanks is not quite in Kirk Cameron territory yet. Maybe when he completes the Robert Langdon trilogy in 2012. Can you even doubt that it's going to happen?

Land of the Lost - Daddy, can we watch Eastbound & Down next? We need more Danny McBride!

Payback with Mel Gibson - When will people learn that torture doesn't work? Mel gets two of his toes smashed with a hammer here, and HE didn't provide the information his questioners wanted!

Little Man - Some of Tony Cox's best work.

Dance Flick - Oh, the Wayans dynasty just can't win. It was time for a dance flick send-up, but they're just not the Zuckers...

Harry in your Pocket - Something like that... Hooray for Seattle! A so-so movie town.

They Shoot Horses, Don't They? - Redford must've been busy. Get the brunette Redford instead. Hey, don't ask me why Turner Classic Movies is having a Sarrazin-a-thon...

Another Woman - Gena Rowlands makes a bad Woody Allen. Which may be a good thing. Maybe Woody should've gotten a child a long time ago. Care about someone else for a change.

Management - Gotta keep it simple. For the sake of all the Mikes out there. This is indeed the Marley and Me of relationship movies. And not just because Aniston's in this as well. Long live your Mike!

"Nurse Jackie" - Another new Showtime original series... wait a second! Carmela Soprano has another new hit series? I'm sorry. This is unacceptable to me.

And finally...

Mary Mother of Christ (2010) - Indeed...

Auteur Watch - Jon(athan) Kasdan

Gotta keep it short this week, what with the homework and all. Sigh. To be doing this on a part-time non-salaried basis. Anyway, I was originally going to profile Lawrence Kasdan, as he comes next in our Alphabetical Auteur Parade, but that would require a long detailed history. So I figured maybe Jake Kasdan would take less time, but look at that resumé! He's practically an old hand at this racket himself. (My God! They look alike!!)
Which brings us to Jon Kasdan. Nice short resumé, but clearly, also born with the talent gene. Writer, actor, director. He's like three people all in one body. He had a bit part in Barry Sonnenfeld's Big Trouble. I still don't understand the connection between the Sonnenfelds and the Kasdans. Barry never shot any of Larry's films. They did both use Owen Roizman at one point. Maybe that's it: they have a nice non-working relationship. Still doesn't explain why a water tower with the name "Kasdan Metalworks" explodes in Wild Wild West, though. Now, what kind of a tribute is that?
But back to the man of the profile. Regarding film actors, I always look at their list of credits, and I can't help but wonder which film they'd prefer not to have on it. As an actor, I wonder what Jon would prefer to scrub from his resume: Slackers or Dreamcatcher. If I were him, I'd remove Dreamcatcher. Oh, snap! I'll have to watch I Love You to Death again. Man, he was just a sprout back then!
I'm looking at that resume of his, and I get worried: no projects in development. At least Jake's got something. Jon's got nothing! But he'll always have In the Land of Women. Nice to know that the son of a famous writer/director can still get a decent cast for his freshman feature debut... if it was 1993! Am I right, Onion and Village Voice? Good grief. But getting Meg Ryan to be in your movie is still a triumph... oh, right.

"Well, you gotta spend money to make money, Lou."

You know, sitting here as I am, broken-hearted, had to... I mean, it's midnight, I've got the window open on this hot summer-esque eve, semi-communing with nature, until it takes a nightmarous turn when I hear the primordial struggle played out on the front yard. Sounded like a raccoon trying to eat a baby rabbit. Anyway, I couldn't help but think, man! This week's box office has probably got a billion dollars worth of budget in it! Night at the Museum 2, Star Trek, and X-Men all cost 150 million apiece, Terminator 4 cost 200 million, and Lord knows how much Angels & Demons cost. (See how I did that?) I'm sure Monsters v. Aliens was no low-budge indie affair. These PDI/Pixar things typically aren't. Doogal, on the other hand, was literally done on an Altair 8800.

On the cheaper side, Obsessed and 17 Again cost 20 million apiece, and Dance Flick clocks in at 25 million. God bless the frugal! Meanwhile, Milan Trenc and Greg Glienna are at the bar, drinking together. Oh yeah, I used to be in the movies. It's a tough racket. This is the highest of high stakes poker, my friend.
So, for all that money spent, let's say about 800 million dollars, they only raked in 211.85 million this week at the box office. Unfortunately, there's only so much of it to go around. Thank God it only goes to the top 1% or so. Wouldn't want to have a strong middle class in this country! People that might actually go to SEE these damn things. From a statistical point of view, more movies are sharing the lion's share than ever before. I try to remember to keep an eye on where the 10 million dollar cutoff is... This week, the top 5 made at least 10 million! ...I don't know how rare that is. Sigh. Back to the old drawing board.

Auteur Watch - Jon Jost

Now THAT'S what I call an Auteur! The kind of guy you're probably not going to be taught about at USC film school. No, no, better things await you, my pets. Or all you Cal-Arts grad with your 3 minute Pixar wannabe under your arm, or on a WD External Hard Drive. It'll take you about seven to ten years to get that PDI/Pixar feature you so desperately crave. Hopefully you won't have to settle for anything less, or for something like Hoodwinked 2.
But I digress as usual. Frankly, I don't know much about Jon Jost, and after reading what little about him I could scrounge up, sounds like he'd rather be left alone anyway. Man, that dude's worse off than Matthew Meshekoff! ...okay, you got me. Not that bad. Still, he would've been better off marrying Catherine Breillat from the sound of his personal life.
But as with most of you, Jon first appeared on my radar with All the Vermeers in New York which, if nothing else, taught me that living with an opera star is not all that it's cracked up to be. It's not Aida all the time, in other words. More like AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDA!!!! Holding your ears because of the annoying exercises they have to do to stay limber. But this film is a sneaky disguise. Apparently he's more of a country boy, filming the bulk of his films in Oregon, Montana, Utah, places like that. The video store I used to go to religiously has most of his back catalog, but on VHS. Sigh. Gotta drag out the DVD burner from deep storage.
As for what his favorite decade might be, well, a complex guy like that is probably not going to favor the 90s, or the decade he finally had his mainstream breakthrough in. No, it's probably the go-go 70s (bell bottom afro wigs, disco music, cocaine flowing like wine, yeah yeah yeah...) when he was just starting out, living in a cabin in Montana for two years with no running water or electricity. And no, his neighbor WASN'T the Unabomber... or was it? Could this be his piêce de rësistancé? My Dinner with Uni? Hell, he's already ripped off Five Easy Pieces with his sequel, 6 Easy Pieces. Why stop there? But he'd better hurry. In 2013 he's going to be SEVENTY! Oh, so depressing. And I thought everyone was turning forty: Jeniston, Yasmine... Carson Daly? No, not Carson Daly. He'll be around forever. How cool is that? ...Don't answer that!

Jon Jost on IMDb
Jon Jost on Wikipedia
...and really, what more do you need?

Photo Not Available

I'm not juiced in like the real movie critics, and am not up to my ears in free studio swag, but I did find this photo on the intranets, which in retrospect is more in line with the philosophy of the first one (Da Vinci Code), but I'm slightly comforted by the fact that the die is now cast, and it's too late to do anything about it.
Now, if my crackerjack research is correct, Angels & Demons: The Da Vinci Code Part 2 is the only debut this week! Well, a director's gotta be a little proud of that, anyway. All those other films gasping for air, trying to claw their way out of that hungry hole in the ground from Return of the Jedi, but in the final analysis, there's one film to rule them all... if only by 5 million dollars. Star Trek in close second. I think the Supreme Court's gonna stay clear of this recount, though.
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Other films that were at #1 are hanging on as best they can: Wolverine at #3, Obsessed at #5, 17 Again at #6, and Monsters vs. Aliens at #7, which is almost across our $200 million barrier. And it's probably making a killing in the rest of the world. It's in its eighth week on the Top 10. Still haven't seen it, though. Looks WAY better than Space Chimps. No offense, Putty.
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As for the rest, ugh. GGP never did reach #1, but I guess the ads could say it was the #1 romantic comedy. But it may be unfair to the rom-com genre: I noticed that Roger Ebert in his review wondered aloud that women in this day and age would view this guy as a carrier of STDs. Man! Talk about a buzzkill. I thought that's what rom-coms were all about! Just wait until ... The Proposal comes out. No, not that one, the other one ... The Ugly Truth, that's it.
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Oh, Next Day Air's almost gone, but surely cult status awaits. Earth's almost gone, as well as that documentary about it. Goodbye, baby ducks! Which leaves The Soloist. It's a little early in the year for blatant Oscar bait, but I think this is surpassing everyone's expectations. Four weeks in the Top 10! Nothing to sneeze at.

Love me Two Titles, Babe!

The Doors? Anyone? Never mind. The point being, even you, Van Sant, you can't have two title cards in one movie. Stay with the small one, it's more prestigious, and it's a slap in the face to all those watching it on older, smaller TVs, in letterbox, making it even smaller. Look at me; I must be dodging the issue here. Well, does it make me a bad person if I didn't absolutely love the movie? Yes it does. I just happen to think it's one of those four star movies that belong in the pantheon of those other four star movies that you saw once in school when you were a kid, but now that you're all growed up, haven't sat down and re-watched it with adult eyes and appreciated it anew. To Kill A Mockingbird comes to mind, as does Lawrence of Arabia, Gone With the Wind, Judgment at Nuremberg, what have you. Of course, film geeks in the future might lump this in with all those Westerns where white actors play Indians with makeup on. They'll say, you know, James Franco and Sean Penn weren't really gay. Guess Van Sant wanted a big name star. He couldn't get it made with, say, Mario Cantone in the lead, or Trent Dawson from As The World Turns. YGTI.
But at least the film bucks the usual trend of 70s movies. Remember, the 70s wasn't all good for everyone. It wasn't all disco and big afro hair and bell bottom trousers. We still had some serious progress to be made. As bad as today looks, at least we have Federal anti-discrimination legislation. The film probably should've pointed that out at the end, in addition to the usual What Happened to Everyone.
As for the acting, it's top drawer as you'd expect. Sean Penn IS Harvey Milk. However, the DVD doesn't have an extra feature with a clip of the actual final Milk audio tape. Must be on the Blu-Ray, but I'm sure it's exact. Franco does okay, but I don't think he'll be able to hang out with Danny McBride anymore. And Josh Brolin, I couldn't help but be reminded of his work in American Gangster, and not just because he's working again with DP Harris Savides. His Dan White is just a regular Joe like most ex-cops turned politicians, trying to cope in a changing world that he's a little too stiff to understand. The uncool Dan Whites of the world, longing to fit in with the cool Harvey Milks. And for once, a film gives voice to that tiny minority who can legislate their own pay raises, because, let's face it. The power's okay, but it's at a lower level on the Totem pole and it still don't pay the bills! Here's hoping that 2007 wasn't to Josh Brolin what 2001 was to Josh Hartnett. No, I have a feeling Brolin's work will be a little steadier than that. Oh, and a shout out to the new Ellen Page, and her name is Alison Pill. Good name. And she's far from a pill in this movie, lemme tell ya. Look out, Anna Paquin, 'cuz she's got your number, too!
And I'm sure I would be remiss as a renowned film scholar if I didn't say that this was the film that Gus Van Sant has been leading up to his whole career, whether he knew it or not. The gay Mississippi Burning, if you will, or close enough to it. Although I bet he had to tone down all the dudes makin' out. I didn't see the deleted scenes, but there was probably more plot stuff there anyway. I'll confess it's not what I usually see, although it is on some of the soaps now, to be fair. I mean, I like making out as much as the next guy, but sometimes in life you gotta run for office instead. And you gotta give people hope, and give people like Anita Bryant hell.

****
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Slumdog Superhero?

Let me just say this about the re-booted Hulk: he's sure got nice teeth!
And let me just say this about Hulk director Louis Leterrier: he knows his stuff! I thought he was just another Luc Besson hired hack, but no. I was thinking of Chris Nahon. I don't know if this is the kind of thing I'd see a second time, but there was something about the plot structure that made it interesting. One probably would be loathe to call this an actor's movie, especially Edward Norton. But he does well as the put-upon Bruce Banner, and after a while it started to bug me that this guy doesn't enjoy his life more. Plenty of lesser beings out there who wouldn't mind being the Hulk, and get more than a big kick out of it. Come to think of it, Tim Roth for me probably had the best part, and he was in danger of tearing the plot down by pointing out that he was put in harm's way not knowing what he was up against. William Hurt plays Gen. Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross. The fact that the movie didn't make this name more apparent, well, I consider it a lost opportunity. He's quite interesting in the part, let's put it that way. When he first appears, you won't recognize him, frankly! How'd they do that? Is it just the hair? And I'm saying this as a fan, but Arwen somehow just didn't work. She seemed fine in the trailers and in the clips they played on the review shows, but somehow she brings the movie to a halt whenever... well, to be fair, whenever she thought she could tame that beast known as the Hulk. Why, the very Battle of the Sexes is right there on the screen, is it not, ladies? The put-upon Beauty, and her giant dumb Beast. Oh, she just can't take him anywhere!
Another thing I was disappointed about. Everyone made it a point to call this a reboot. Oh, it's a reboot. It's the Hulk done right. The way the Hulk should be done. None of that fruity James Schamus Oedipal Complex crap. And yet, where does this start off? Where THAT one left off! South America! Not exactly the clean break I was led to believe this was. Anyway, so the action starts off in Brazil, and let me just say. I'll be the first to admit I'm prejudiced, but I'm glad I don't live in that neighborhood. Nary a plant in sight. A whole mountain of nothing but houses! Somehow, it just can't be good. So Bruce Banner's there in Brazil, working at the local bottling plant. And of course, there's bullies. Always with the bullies. The group of bullies who would take the hot chick away from him. It's a little bit like Spider Man: working class hero, picked on by the bullies, caught in an incestuous, insidiously close love triangle. The hero must temper his superpower for fear of hurting his close circle of friends. Good plotting. And again, a better reviewer than me would know why this is, probably those bastards over at the World Socialist Web Site, but there's something about the simplicity of the plot that worked for me, and for my close friend whose opinion I trust who always complains that today's action movies are too convoluted, and not clearcut enough. This one's pretty clearcut, not too convoluted... and plot holes galore. I'll leave those for you to drive through. Seems to me, though, that the General gets away with a lot of Army actions on native soil that would get HIM thrown in Gitmo, but that's just nitpicking.
Two funny parts worth mentioning. One: I guess this won't be too much of a giveaway, as you saw it in the commercials. Ed Norton is dropped from the helicopter to battle the Abomination. In mid-flight he doesn't turn into the Hulk like he thought he would, and he says "Oh, shi..." The other part: in the big final battle, at one point the Hulk is calm, kind of shrugs, then gets mad again. And of course, when the Hulk finally speaks... well, that's a fanboy moment if there ever was one. That, and Stan Lee's big cameo, as always. I liked him better in Spider Man 2, I think. Oh, snap! And of course, I'm always a sucker for a film that's got that old-timey 1970s Panavision look to it, which this does. Good on ya, Menzies Jr.! Bet that added about 30 million to the budget, ma'am!

***1/2
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Peter Jackson

I know we're not supposed to say it, but I miss the old, fat Peter Jackson. Or rather, the young fat one. He's a little bit older now, probably a little bit wiser. Now that he's finally got that King Kong itch out of his system, time to get back to the career proper. Directorially, The Lovely Bones is still all he's got on the ol' roster. I'm just sayin' four years is a long time to be out of the game, even for a guy like you, buddy. You shoulda had this out by Christmas 2007 at least. But I guess all the computers in the world can't make these movies any faster, just better looking. And with trusty companions Fran Walsh and Philippa Boyens by his side, there's nothing he won't be able to achieve. He took my advice and finally gave Stephen Sinclair the heave ho for good. I told you he was holding you back, man!
And statistically speaking the LOTR trilogy is working out about like I thought. They're all of course still in the IMDb Top 250, with Return of the King at #14 (Mad Magazine: The Rehash of the Thing), Fellowship at #20 (Fellowship of the Blecch?), and The Two Towers at #33. (Mad Magazine: The 2 1/2+ Hours) Shawshank back at #1? Oh, puh-leeze. How many phony aliases can Darabont concoct? There's nothing better than The Dark Knight! Anyway, so Jackson took that four year break to make The Lovely Bones. What, did he start his own DreamWorks or something? Close enough: he's producing Spielberg's latest franchise in the making: Tintin. Looks like Spielberg's finally had it with ILM and Skywalker Ranch and everything. Apparently even HE wasn't crazy about that last Indiana Jones movie, but I didn't think it was THIS severe! Not severe enough to switch effects houses and everything! So Jackson's got a full plate producer-wise... producerially speaking? That doesn't sound right. Anyway, I still believe in you, Jackson. Come back to the director's chair soon. No matter what the naysayers say. Still, even though you have the chance now to make Bad Taste the way it was supposed to be made, with a $100 million budget and all... I'd try to move on to the next thing. But that's just my opinion (IMHO?). You're the Jack Brown Genius, not me, and your Silver will be remembered for years to come.

I ... CAN'T ... Believe It!

Actually, I can. Star Trek at #1, who knew. And next week it'll be Angels & Demons, and the week after that... Angels & Demons again, but Night at the Museum 2 will be in close second. Mark my words. Still, something about them swapping out Jonathan Frakes for J. J. Abrams troubles me. This J.J., he's like a Michael Bay clone somehow. And the new cast seems to be pulled from a GQ photo shoot or something. But Nimoy was asked to come back. And of course Tyler Perry shows us all how it's done... or so I've heard. Haven't actually seen it yet, but no need! There's a SEQUEL in the works already! Hope it's as good as the first one!
Okay, so Star Trek's #1 this week and it's already at #62 in the IMDb Top 250. So, how about it, Trekkies? Is it good enough? That's what I want to know. I want to hear from the disgruntled Trekkies whose input was ignored at the various Coms and gatherings and what-not. Actually, scratch that. I get bugged enough with email requests as it is. You're free to leave me alone. But clearly, the economy's headed to a downturn. Look what was #1 last week! Wolverine with 85 million in the bank. Star Trek this week with only 75! Oh, how could Obama let this happen? But Wolverine does okay in second place with 26.4 mill. Pretty soon it just might overtake Monsters v. Aliens! It could happen, one's gotta hope. At #3, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past does what it can to muscle its way back up to the top, but fails miserably. I guess it's clearly beaten Obsessed at #4, but my man McC must be depressed about this nevertheless. He was much more beloved in the 90s, and no one cared if he smoked the ol' wacky tobacky. Now it's all the people want to see!
--As for the rest, don't care. Same ol' stuff. All that stuff I'm destined to walk by on the video shelves. But I will give a Shout Out to the other debut this week. There were but two: Star Trek and Benny Boom's film Next Day Air. Mos, you're gonna have to take a page from Ice Cube's book and do that PG-rated family copy your agent tried to show to you. Mike Epps, keep up the good work. Benny Boom! Stage name or not, what the heck are you going to direct next? If only this were the 80s, you'd be perfect for the next Rambo pic! Or maybe something with Arnold Schwarzenegger. He always used to be around cool explosions. Ah, nostalgia.

Auteur Watch - James Ivory

Guess this means Merchant is his Ebony! Oh, no he di'int! Sadly, Merchant threw off this mortal coil four years ago, so when Ivory eventually makes his way to the pearly gates, Ismail will be waiting for him, going "You bastard! It wasn't true love!" See, because as we all know, if a married couple is really in love, the second one will die exactly three days after the first one goes... Well, that's what I read on the web, anyway.
Yeah, he's been around forever but the first James Ivory film I ever saw was A Room With A View. And apparently, Daniel-Day Lewis has been trying to avoid being typecast in his role in that film ever since: the bookish nerd. When is he going to own up and play the role he was born to play? Bono! Scorsese could direct.
But I digress once again, and I certainly wouldn't be worth my weight in salt as a film aficionado if I didn't already know that Ivory has traditionally had two major collaborators: producer Ismail Merchant and screenwriter Ruth Prawer Jhabvala. They have 10 Oscar nominations between them, and Ruth won two! Craazy. One for Room with a View, and the other for Howards End, which I never saw. Heard it was good, though... actually, I heard it was a little far-fetched, but that must've been its heart. Little known fact: Jhabvala has written exclusively for Ivory's films! ...Madame Sousatzka? That bitch! I gotta go..................