Movie Review: The Maiden Heist

Whatever The Onion says about it, that's what I say.

Good double bill with: what else? The Cooler!

**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

N'yuks and bolts

Once again, we stumble across a Stooge short that needs no introduction. Without a doubt, A Plumbing We Will Go is one of the (Stooge) greats, and deserves its place amongst the top 10 or 20 Stooge shorts ever made... then again, there is that whole Dudley Dickerson subplot, which I find to be unnecessary. Oh, so you're saying you prefer NO black people to a bug-eyed black person? No, I'm not saying that. Not too many dignified black roles in these Stooge shorts... then again, not too many dignified roles of ANY ethnic stripe in a Stooge film exist. Sure, the rich types start out dignified, but live to see their stations quickly eroded, usually right out from under their feet. Still, there's the whole plumbing sub-plot.  Let's focus on that, shall we?

ACT ONE

It seems to have been a while, but once again the Stooges find themselves in the loving arms of the wrong side of the law where they squarely belong. Of course, as an amateur lawyer, even I have to object to the prosecution's argument. "Evasive attitude?" Where is that in the Constitution, exactly? If we started locking people up for "evasive" attitudes, there'd be no one left in the world! Then again... well, for brevity's sake, let's leave aside the fact that the three of them are on the witness stand together as one unit, with Curly and Larry sitting in Moe's lap. Kinda gay? Or very, very gay? Personally, I think Brett Ratner should apologize to GLAAD not for his comments, but for Rush Hours 2 and 3 at the very least. Probably Red Dragon, too. Anyway, back to the trial. The Stooges are on trial for looting a chicken coop that belonged to a woman with a good comedy name. The judge throws the case out, leaving aside the fact that Curly's hat is apparently full of chicken down. Curly lets out a ripe n'yuk n'yuk, then a nyaah-nyaah as he attempts to pluck all the feathers out of the air. Gossip, indeed. Bud Jamison gives Curly a good, swift kick in the ass, and they're off to get locked up a second time. Bud immediately spys the boys trying to fish a fish out of a display bowl in front of a pet store called "The Doggy Pet Shop." Moe gives Curly the ol' Oliver Hardy treatment. You know how Oliver Hardy's always slapping Stan Laurel's hand for one offence or another? Anyway, Curly runs afoul of a mannequin dressed as a cop, and he goes to town on it. Let the slippery slope begin! Guess what happens next... no, go ahead! Guess! That's right, Bud Jamison steps in front of the mannequin, but he manages to hit Curly first. Let the chase begin. Meanwhile, that dirty ol' bastard Monte Collins is performing a magic show that the Stooges get tangled up in. The cop sees them in a magic box and storms the stage. The Stooges eventually get away in a plumber's truck. Trucks were easier to steal back then, apparently. And car accidents were more common. The cop grabs on to ... you know, a thing with wheels on it that gets towed behind the truck? Larry tells Curly to cut it loose, and Bud Jamison ends up in a vat of watered-down plaster, or something. As good a place for an act break as any.

ACT TWO

The boys stop in front of a house. Larry and Curly fall out of the back of the truck. "Why don't ya call your stops?" asks Curly. A butler comes out and admonishes the Stooges for being late. (He thinks they're plumbers, you see... well, he's about to go to the School of Hard N'Yuks!) The way I figure it, it's time to apply my "Jerk Mandate" rule. Because the butler acted like a jerk, it's okay if the boys trash the house. Another good example of the "Jerk Mandate:" the demise of Abigail Craven in the first Addams Family movie. Because she acted like a jerk to Fester, she clearly deserves what happens to her... I forget what happened to her. Anyway, back to the Stooges. They see Police Officer Bud Jamison riding after them on a bicycle, grab a bunch of plumbing equipment, and storm the house. They perhaps should've taken one turn in the road while making their escape.
The butler informs them that there's a leak in the basement. Betraying their extreme ignorance, Larry asks "Where's the basement?" Curly compounds the ignorance, and exclaims "Upstairs!" Oscar for Larry, anyone? Nah, his Oscar moment comes a little later on. They eventually end up DOWNSTAIRS in the basement. Moe takes a rather nasty tumble in the excitement but gets right back up again. (Moe 5:08) Professor Moe, at 5:17, for once, has questions of his own: "What do you know about plumbing?" So much to learn. Larry's Oscar moment happens at 5:24 when he says "How can you fix it while it's leaking?" Curly and Moe get sidetracked in a competition to see who can nod their head the most, after which Curly is off to wreak his own havoc. Moe and Larry proceed to destroy the basement, but they do it in small steps. Another Oscar moment for Larry at 6:46. (Larry 6:46) Curly has a moment where he f... messes with the censors at the Hays Commission as he interrupts the shower of some snooty dude. Maybe he's the token Brit, who knows. After the guy wrapped in a towel leaves, Curly proceeds to destroy the upstairs bathroom. They seem to have dubbed in Curly's voice at 7:42. God stops the water once to get a laugh, but after that, Lord here comes the flood. Curly is powerless to stop the water coming from the knob, and the hole's a little bigger than one finger, and the water's more powerful than Curly's hat.
Back to Moe and Larry. Larry suddenly gets inspired to wander off and cause his own damage. But before he goes, he manages to hurt Moe in the process. Moe gets hit twice, then Larry, in a fit of panic, gets hit twice, but I think Moe got the worse end of the deal. Maybe Larry's Oscar moment is at 8:38, who knows. I'm obviously not the one to make the final decision about something this important. (Larry 8:38) Meanwhile, Curly continues on his plumber's journey. It pays off later on, trust me.
And now... enter Dudley Dickerson, the token bug-eyed black dude. He earns his stuntman credentials on this one, as he ends up falling on his ass about twenty times too many for my taste. Oh, I just hope I didn't laugh too much at it when I was a kid. If so, I can never run for president.

ACT THREE

I don't know where to break between acts two and three, but perhaps Curly's final plumbing job is a good place to start. Curly managed to get ahead of the water for a few seconds, but alas, his labyrinthine piping could only slow down the water so much. Curly's Oscar moment surely happens at 0:27. (Curly 0:27) Followed immediately by Larry's Oscar moment, when he puts that snooty butler in his place: first in words, and then, with a FACE FULL OF DIRT!! Heh heh heh... actually, it looked more like a square piece of foam... hopefully, it was. Meanwhile, Curly finds his way back to Moe... the hard way. Curly ruins Moe's plumbing work, and Curly has another Oscar moment at 1:28 by screaming "I resent that!" Good line reading. One for the books. They dub his voice again at 1:39, I'm afraid. Curly goes to get another piece of pipe, like he said, and then proceeds to destroy the house's electrical system. Fortunately, he's dried out quickly, after being soaked to the bone, so he'll stave off electrical shock for a while. More capering with Dudley Dickerson. Needles to say, the science of comedy is stretched to its limits in this one, but how can you not be won over by the genial nature of this film? It just wants to entertain! Something like that. Oh yeah, and Larry emerges from the ground like some kind of bald-headed mole. I think they used that clip again in a Shemp film. Most expensive shot of the whole movie right there.

Maybe this is where Act Three begins, even though there's not much left. The Stooges take an early swipe at television, a medium they would eventually conquer. But for now, it provides a good laugh. This is where the comedy dividends pay off with the initial investments made. Oh, the indignities that Bess Flowers has to suffer. It only gets worse, especially after Curly emerges from the basement. Curly patches up the hole he made in the upstairs bathroom with a throw rug. And, of course, as often happens in films like this, we find out that everything's connected. Guess who's house they trashed? Well, I just hate to spoil it, but needles to say, the Stooges never give up hope. The three of them are all in the basement now. Larry tunneled his way back, apparently. Moe tells Curly to "go up and collect for the job." Is he serious? Apparently, deadly serious. When the owner of the house ends up in the basement the same way Curly did a few scenes ago, Moe is rightly enraged. Why, look at the damage they caused by falling into the basement! The magic act also makes a return appearance, and the hole that Larry dug comes in handy, but it also suffers from a plot device: I thought he dug only one hole! Also, the special effect of the final shot: I wonder how it played on the big screen back in the day? Probably not as well as it should have, but sometimes you have to take those visual risks for the sake of the big picture.

And so, is A Plumbing We Will Go better than the sum of its parts? Arguably, not all of the parts, but you gotta admire the effort of the good parts. I understand James Cameron used this film as inspiration for Titanic!... okay, maybe not.

****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Josh and Jonas Pate

Apparently they're twins, which makes sense from the picture... sort of. They've still got their whole professional lives ahead of them, but there's probably enough to apply my handy decade theory. If pressed, the brothers would probably say that the 90s were their favourite decade. Just starting out, lean and hungry, rubbing elbows with the greats, and getting the best cast of 1992 together for their debut feature, The Grave. I'm sure Maxim magazine would say that it's Gabrielle Anwar's greatest role of all time, and they'd wonder aloud why she can't get more roles like that. Then came 1997's Deceiver. What is it about having Ellen Burstyn in your movie? Or Faye Dunaway? It's just not the 70s anymore, guys. But it'd be the last time a decade was so clearly defined by the tacky, tacky clothes.
And so, the Pates survived their cinematic adolescence, trying in vain to be the next Coen brothers, deciding against it, and going full bore into TV production in the 2000s and beyond. But they're not going to make the same mistakes that, say, Rod Daniel made. No, their superhero/supernatural projects will be a cut above the average dreck. And judging from their respective resumés, it appears that Jonas is the alpha brother. Harder working, more stuff on the plate. Why, Josh doesn't even get credit on Shrink! For shame. Hate to see that. I dunno; maybe I'm naive, but what I saw of Shrink I liked. I know the Onion didn't care for it, but frankly, they're just too damn picky. If Tina Fey's not in it, it doesn't get an A. Another complaint was that the germophobe guy in Shrink wasn't consistent. The germophobe guy would wash his hands all the time, sure, and yet he slept with a germ-friendly prostitute, if I remember correctly. Well, that's the thing about love. When the little head does the thinking, all bets and rules are off. The most primordial biological impulses will not be denied. Ever. Case in point: The Grave!
As always, the 2010s are looking to be the bestest decade ever, because in the midst of all the dreck they're producing for TV, I smell a pet project! Something called Way Down South. Way Down South, resting in my arms, I've been waiting all night long just to talk to you. Way down South, do you have to leave so soon... sorry, got sidetracked again. These blank.gifs are rearing their ugly heads again. The Pates were born in North Carolina, which I guess is technically part of the South. Same reason Brad Pitt's character in Inglorious Basturds was from Quentin Tarantino's home town or state. There's just something about that damn South. Must be a yin yang thing. Us snooty Yankees are either the yin or the yang to the South's deliberately unsnooty yang or yin. Emmy Rossum, gotta like her! Fuhgettaboutit...

Hey, get a room, guys!

Oh, right... I shoulda figured that the latest installment of Twilight would make the box office its bitch. Typical. Well, it's for the kids. The kids are all right, when it comes to the movies. I guess George Clooney's just not the draw he once was, as with the Ocean's Eleven movies. No one wants to see him in About Schmidt, except maybe me, but I can't get to the theatre these days. Gotta work on that. The other debut this week is Happy Feet 2, another sequel. Lotta sequels on the chart this week! Harold & Kumar 3, Puss in Boots (Shrek 4.5?), Jack and Jill... I think of it as a sequel. I think of it as Billy Madison XII... something like that. Close enough.

Rock, Paper, ... Avalanche?

Time for this week's Stooge film: Rockin' Thru the Rockies. It's a rather nondescript one, if I do say so myself. Not in my regular Stooge short regimen, or pantheon. The problem could be the presence of too many Stooge staples: the swinging branch, the running to dinner, the running afoul of a wild beast during sleep... let's take an in-depth look, shall we?

ACT ONE

You do have to give them credit. At least the setting seems unique. It's a period piece, such as they are. The Stooges were on a tight budget as it was, but fortunately the props they work with are pretty ancient as it is. The Stooges play guides taking a troupe of three lovely ladies and their battle ax manager across the country to an engagement in San Francisco. It's apparently the post-Civil War period and they've got a covered wagon, so it's basically the blind leading the blind. Now, like any seasoned film star, the Stooges believe in a good segué as much as the next guy. Here's the segué we get to introduce the Stooges: the battle ax says "Where are those three SUN BAKED HAMS?" Cue the swinging branch gag! The third one always does the trick. To further set the setting, Moe says "Quiet! You want the Indians to hear us?" As always, Curly provides the counter-intuitive genius: "Yeah! I'm sick and tired of looking for Indians! Let them look for us for a change!" Ever the parrot, Larry repeats this line, which Moe finds to be the bigger insult, apparently. Thank God the battle ax rings the dinner triangle. She's strong enough to knock their three heads together, and she does, further threatening to shoot them if they don't get them to San Francisco in time. Tough crowd! Moe does the lousiest job of sweet-talking ever, and spares their miserable lives for 13 more minutes, long enough to indulge their love of food. To the corn beef we go! Right after Curly almost kisses Moe on the mouth.
The boys... well, Curly, runs afoul of a stubborn can of corn beef. Curly tries opening the can with an axe... gee, I wonder what's going to happen. Moe and Larry go double-team on Curly's ass: Moe with a fist to the stomach, which causes Curly to bow forward, and Larry with a fist to the head, which causes Curly to stand up straight again. Oh, dude! So harsh. You may never see this move again! But circumstances were dire, and you'd think Curly would get the message. No such luck, and he ends up causing further damage. Long story short, Curly ends up shooting Moe in the foot and scaring the horses. After the ruckus dies down, one of the goils says to Curly, "Well, if there ARE any Indians they certainly know where to find us!" Curly doesn't quite espouse his logic on that particular topic, but he does make another desperate attempt at an actual joke. Larry gets a big line at this point: "Indians, Indians. Hah hah! Why, there isn't any of 'em for miles around!" I understand that this part was submitted to the Oscar committee. Alas, they didn't think Larry was Oscar-worthy that year; Jimmy Stewart in The Philadelphia Story would just have to do. Politics. But this might as well be the unsubtle transition between Acts One and Two. Judgment call on my part, I know.

ACT TWO
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We meet the Indians. Since they're movie Indians, we don't have to feel as bad... something like that. Well, they are comedy Indians, of the "Escrow" tribe... get it? New Stooge character actor Dick Curtis will just have to do as the chief Indian. He says "How," of course. Curly says "How do you do," giving us a glimpse into future post-stroke Curly line readings. The eviction notice is given: the Stooges and company have two sundowns to get going. Far too lenient. The Indians leave, but the seeds of future plot developments are planted: one of the Indians fancies the white chicks. Dick Curtis makes an interesting grunting noise , and says "You keep-um mind on business. Make-um whoopee later... not bad!" They're only human!
The "Indians" leave and the boys return to the business at hand: going from the frying pan to the fire. Curly ends up firing the rifle again, and the horses get so scared, they loose themselves from their connection to the wagon and run off. Curly ends up killing three ducks. Everyone else exclaims "Look at the horses!" Curly, the lone voice of insanity, says "Look at the ducks!" Moe and Larry say "Never mind the ducks." Frankly, it's sloppy direction. They should've had Curly say it three times, and on the third time, have EVERYONE say in unison "NEVER MIND THE DUCKS!!!" Hopefully, the Farrellys won't make the same mistake with their crappy reboot.
The battle ax tells the boys that the only thing keeping her from shooting them is that she's out of bullets. Curly helpfully says "Oh, I've got plenty of bullets! I'll be glad to lend you some!" Curly eventually comes to his senses and takes his bullets back.
Using a blatant plot device, the Stooges manage to build half-decent shelter for the night using scenery from the girls' show. Curly also manages to ruin two guitars, using them as "snow shoes." We don't see him actually wrecking the guitars, though. I guess technically the Act Two break should've been when night fell and the boys were asleep. As we find out, Curly also barks in his sleep! What would Freud say about that?
Anyway, how to get a wild animal into the plot? Genius, that's how. Curly is given a bear hyde as a blanket, but he needs a mattress as well, so he goes out into the snowy night to get one out of the wagon. He leaves the door to the temporary shelter open. Cue the REAL bear. Long story short, this leads to a variation on ANOTHER classic Stooge theme where the boys think their fellow Stooges can make animal noises. Curly reaches for the real bear, thinking it's the bear hyde. The bear growls like the MGM lion. Curly yells "Hey! Quit snoring so loud!" Long, long story short: Curly scares off the bear by barking. Brother bear scared off by evil, insane white man, in other words. Finally! I'm putting my Native American college courses to work. Curly's stunt double leaps in between Moe's stunt double and Larry's stunt double and promptly goes to bed. Fade to black.
Now, this should probably be the act break between Acts Two and Three here, but I'm going to wait until the ice fishing gag for that.
The next morning. Moe and Larry find that Curly has hogged all the blankets sometime in the middle of the night. Retribution is swift and in the stomach. Curly notices the ceiling is pregnant with many snow babies. Moe tells Curly to brace it up with a pole, but what good would it be if we didn't have the Stooges covered in snow? I'm assuming it's fake snow made out of asbestos. Well, it was lighter and looked better on film. Also, real snow might be too heavy. Curly makes a good Woo-Woo noise here. (Curly 1:31) Whew! Haven't gotten a blank.gif message yet. Curly bad-libs again, saying "I'm sorry, Moe! A lizard! I mean, a blizzard!" Long story short, the Stooges rudely wake up the girls, and shock them with the threat of changing clothes. Such gutter behaviour, indeed. Darwin must be spinning in his grave. The Stooge love affair must be at an end, or at least at its first seven year itch. Case in point: Curly beans Moe with the non-blade end of an axe, and when he comes to, he ends up telling Curly "I hate you!" Sounds like the proper Act break to me.

ACT THREE

Here's another good screenwriting tip... maybe not. Still, the Stooges found it necessary to justify a close-up shot. Larry's pumping water into a bucket, but because it's cold, pumps ice cubes instead. Moe sees this in the wide shot, and looks rightfully shocked and disgusted. We then get a close-up of the pump coughing up a whole bunch of ice cubes. Oh, but it doesn't end there, my friends. Moe tells Larry, "Look! Gold!" And of course, like an idiot, Larry bends over and looks for gold, and Moe proceeds to dump all the ice cubes into Larry's pants. The battle ax is not amused by any of this, of course, and orders the boys to get breakfast for everyone. The Stooges love food more than gold and proceed to break into the canned corned beef once again... gone! All the food's gone! Larry says, "Bears! They've eaten it up! Nothing left!" Maybe that was the Oscar part, I don't know. In his delirium, Curly gets the idea to rig a sail to the wagon, in the hopes that it will act like a boat on land. The battle ax, weary from battle, agrees to try it. I almost hate to hear that level of resignation. Moe starts barking orders and generally gets caught up in the moment. For once, Curly brings HIM back to earth! (Curly 4:09) I dare say the whole film's worth it for just that moment. Sorry, but I don't know how to make a hyperlink to a YouTube video go to the spot I want it to. Work on that, Google nerds!
Next scene: the sail's built, and people keep saying "Well, all right!" Finally, we get that unison we should've had earlier. Now, some might mistake Moe's line at this point for love of country, but I think of it more as just the latest in a lifetime of Curly rebuttals. Here's the scenario: Curly says "Hey! Maybe we'll be like Columbus and discover a new country!" Moe says, "This country's good enough for us." Well, you gotta feel national pride some of the time. Larry keeps the madness going by saying he'd like to "discover" something to eat. Time for the big fishing scene. Now, you probably know what's going to happen, but there's at least one surprise on the way. Oh yeah, and at 4:50, Moe says "A blue... who's talkin' to you?" Gotta like that. But the surprise is at 5:34 here. The not-so-surprising part, well... let me put it this way: Curly ends up saying "Hey! This fish looks like Moe." You'll see a play on this theme later on in "A Bird in the Head," and it's done a little better there, in my humble opinion. Or maybe I'm just saying that because that's the second Stooge short I ever saw.
Now, since they squandered so much time already, there's 90 seconds left in this picture. You can do the math on this one: is that enough time to squeeze in a kidnapping subplot? I didn't think so either. But the Indians were decent enough to leave a note... in English no less! Apparently they refer to the battle ax as "Hatchet Face." They kidnapped the three girls, and apparently didn't do a very good job of it, because we hear screams as soon as the note's read. All in all, it's handled far too efficiently, but there's just enough time for Moe to suffer another massive head injury as the wind picks up, and carries the besailed wagon away to God knows where.

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Charles and James Parrott

Am I the only one who cares about these two? Maybe, except for those Sons of the Desert types. They might know who these two are. They worked with Hal Roach a lot, probably with Laurel and Hardy a lot. I tell ya, those non-Laurel and Hardy assignments were just the pits. Absolute pits. Working with animals, and sub-par Laurel and Hardy humans. Long time between prestige gigs. Oh, but that's, like, old! At least three generations ago! Get with the living, dude! I can't, I just can't. That's why I'm a film fan! That's all the life I can handle!

Tarred, feathered, and singed by the box office

Slight pun on the director of Immortals. But for me that's not the real story of the box office this week. The latest manly Lord of the Rings clone isn't news. That's what people don't like about Lord of the Rings: both chicks and dudes can find characters to relate to when watching it. That's no good. 300, Thor, Watchmen, Immortals... all for the dudes. As it probably should be. And probably how the new Superman movie will be. No, the real story this week is guys in drag. There was a Yahoo! list last week called "Drag Gone Bad" which probably should've just been called "Movies with guys in drag in them." See, because the "Drag Gone Bad" list included Norbit and Some Like It Hot: two movies that could only be together on a general list like this. I personally don't consider Some Like It Hot to be Billy Wilder's best work, but it's probably up there for most, if only because of Marilyn Monroe. If the list wasn't just for films, they'd include these Miller Beer commercials with these guys dressed up as ladies to take advantage of Ladies Night at their local bar. And how about Sorority Boys? Why didn't THAT make the list? I guess it wasn't bad enough to make the list, or funny enough. One of the two. Anyway, in the picture I have there, there's J. Edgar under the Adam Sandler pic... ANYONE ELSE SEE THE IRONY OF THAT? Or is J. Edgar Hoover's personal public file now been purged of any and all eccentricity? Simpsons time, gotta go......................

.....oh, that was not a good Simpsons. Marge, Bart and Lisa blogging... I guess it was inevitable. They're changing Homer too much. He can make stuff now! There's stuff he doesn't eat now! Then again, I think it's the principle of it. Homer will eat anything, but it has to be his idea. Anyway, I think I covered all the debuts: Immorals, J. Edgar and Jack and Jill. Let me just say that Clint Eastwood got DiCaprio away from Scorsese somehow. Would Scorsese have made a better J. Edgar biopic? Hard to say. The Onion wasn't crazy about it, but Ebert was. Oh, those two are always disagreeing. I gotta go. Tax time!... no, wait, health care recertification time. I just don't know what's worse.

As Nazty as they wanna be

You know, there's a whole other version of Wikipedia out there for right-wingers. I'm not going to give the name of it, but I did browse it a little bit. It certainly lived up to its name, if nothing else. I browsed about three different topics, and then the following question came up: "Should the United States have entered World War II?" They've expanded since then to include World War I, and probably the Civil War, for all I know. Now, I already know I'm not smart enough to debate, or even ponder, such deep, philosophical questions, but from a movie standpoint I can answer that easily: How about Raiders of the Lost Ark? And the third one? Schindler's List? Saving Private Ryan? Hope and Glory? Those are my reasons we needed to enter World War II.
Of course, this was before Obama was elected president when I saw that web page. I'm sure the argument now is that, well, Hawaii's not really a state anymore. The continental U.S. wasn't attacked, Pearl Harbor was! Besides, if Germany did win the war, Fatherland would be a biography and not just perverse historical fiction TRYING to be a legitimate biography!
And, of course, all the great comedians of the time had this terrible anti-German bias, making fun of Hitler and what not. Jack Benny with his To Be or Not to Be, Chaplin with The Great Dictator, and the Stooges with this week's entry, You Nazty Spy! (Damn... I've fallen behind just a smidge)

ACT ONE

Even the Stooges knew that Hitler had help. A Hitler cannot exist in a vacuum, and the Catholic church and some industrialists were champions of the chancellor's cause. And so, we begin with some bored job creators sitting around (in the fictional country of Moronica) deciding to oust the king and replace him with a dictator. The Stooges are "paperhangers" doing some work in the house of the industrialists. There's no time for them to destroy the place, as the gears of the plot turn quickly in this one. A lot to cram into 16 minutes this time. Moe (Moe Hailstone here) transforms himself into Hitler before our very eyes, also with the help of a prop moustache and messed-up hair. It's not long before Moe's giving a speech before a crowd, with Curly decked out as Mussolini, I'm assuming, and Larry as... Goebbels? I forget his comedy name already.

ACT TWO

Sorry, folks, but I gotta keep this one short. But I promise I'll spend more time on I'll Never Heil Again. All seems to be going well for Hailstone until his secretary turns out to be a double agent. I'm functionally culturally illiterate and don't know who her historical counterpart is, but she has a magic eight ball and uses it to tell Moe Hailstone's fortune. Moe grabs the ball and hits Curly on the head with it. The ball breaks into three large chunks, and turns out to have an incriminating note inside it. The secretary's plot is foiled and she makes her escape. Wacky comedy stormtroopers are called in, and they march off, kicking each other in the ass. The guy on the end always has it easy.

ACT THREE

There's a big meeting of delegates. The new secretary, a ballerina, comes dancing in. Moe and Curly start dancing. Curly laughs in his regular voice at one point, and says "I'll bet you tell that to all the boys." Oh, and of course, we dwell on the comedy map shown in the picture for a little while, a Stooge comedy motif to be seen later on as well. Why, the Simpsons even had one once! Can't remember when. And so the delegates come in. The three dictators say "Peace! Peace! We want peace!" The delegates are wise to the Orwellian nature of this statement... or maybe they're just jealous worm-eaters taking a break to do some self-loathing out in the open for a change. The boys give 'em the works. Curly gets out the golf clubs and hits them on the head. Finding this not sporting enough, he gets golf balls out, puts them on the rug and hits them at the delegates. Some of the delegates get hit, but Larry gets a golf ball in his mouth. After the four delegates are defeated, the knuckleheads' fortunes go from bad to worse. The townsfolk of Moronica (about 99% of them, if you will...) riot and start to storm the Hailstone headquarters. The three decide to release the lions. And so, down they go to release the lions. They should've gotten someone else to do it, because, well... I hate to spoil it for you, but there ends up being some very full lions in dictators' clothing emerging from the corner they went behind. Something like that. Too bad this kind of thing doesn't happen in real life to real-life dictators.

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Charles and Vlas Parlapanides

Somebody get those boys a Chocofreta! Sorry, folks, gotta keep it short this week, which won't be hard in the case of the Parlapanideses. Charley's clearly got the leg up of the two brothers: he's younger, he knows Demetri Martin, and hell! Look @ that smile! Sky's the limit, but alas, they're not astronauts. Charley cut his teeth under Scott Rudin on The Royal Tenenbaums, among other things, but clearly the 2010's will be their most awesome decade ever. They've got Immortals under their belt! How does it feel to be one of the beautiful people? There's no turning back now. Careful, though... better keep fetching coffee for the rest of the demigods if you don't want to get banished again!

Puss does the booting

That's where I've seen that face before! Sorry, had to go for it. Well, Tower Heist's probably #1... it's a couple hours yet before the polls open... I mean, before the box office tallies come out. Maybe I should try to get some sleep. Wait, wait, gotta do my Farmville chores first...
(next day) Shoulda known! Guess if you're a professional critic, you must be baffled! The realistic drama about the Iranian family trying to get by in rural Kansas should have been #1 this weekend! It's going to win several Oscars, right? No, if you're a professional critic these days, you know the dumb Adam Sandler pic's going to clean up on a certain weekend, or the latest Pixar-ish film. Don't kid yourselves: the technicians behind these movies are putting everything they got into making a smart, technically accomplished film you've never seen before. If it's a remake, there'll be a twist on it. Or in the case of the new Footloose, no twist at all! A complete, faithful remake with a fresh young cast! THAT'S the twist! Same old, moldy screenwriter, but still! No, Tower Heist will just have to settle with #2. Poor wealthy Brett Ratner. That's the price of Hollywood success: the more money you make, the more you're hated. Just ask Michael Bay! You gotta strike back however you can. The other debut this week is Harold & Kumar 3D. How they get smoke to be three dimensional I'll never know. Someone's going to get a technical Oscar for it, I'm sure. Must be computerized then.
Well, that's all the debuts, so my job is done. Johnny English 2 looks like it'll be joining the short list of one-week films. I'll explain at the end of the year...

Short Reviews - October 2011

You often hear about the great unproduced scripts floating around Hollywood. Bill O'Reilly's "Those who Trespass" is SO the opposite... Meanwhile, here's something you'll never see in the short list on Yahoo!: "Peter's Friends remake" or "Peter's Friends sequel." People these days would be like "What is that? A porno?" Maybe it was! Who knows? I never got around to seeing it...


"In Living Color" - Not to be outdone by the return of "Beavis and Butthead", In Living Color's coming back to TV... How many more have to die?

The Three Stooges - Featuring "Snooki," a bunch of homeless guys that the Farrellys stepped past on the first day of principal photography and the cast of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. Larry David has a part in the film. He once asked Martin Scorsese if he knew what he was doing. Sure, it was just on his HBO show. Still, I can't help but wonder: if he says that to Scorsese, what's he going to say to those Farrelly boys?

Get Him to The Greek - KRUGMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cinderella Liberty - PONICSAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We Bought a Zoo - NOT based on Terry Thompson

Anonymous - From the director of 2012, The Day After Tomorrow and Stargate... Similar thematically to Stargate, actually! Remember? James Spader had some new-fangled theory that rocked the Egyptology world. Emmerich should take on the seven plagues next with help from the Naked Archaeologist... oh, right, James Cameron already did. Maybe Cameron will give his blessing.

The Rum Diary - Looks pretty good! But how did Johnny Depp steal Michael Rispoli away from Edward Norton?

J. Edgar - The best Scorsese picture ever made... by Clint Eastwood?!!

Gray Matters - Creepy premise, isn't it? A brother and sister that people assume are a married couple? Just saying... Maybe it's more common than I think, I don't know...

Suspect - You're next, Clarence Thomas!

For Love or Money - Barry Sonnenfeld, call your mother...

Harve Karbo - FINALLY! Some Coen news! Sounds like it's based on that Joe Carmody story from Ethan's Gates of Eden, but what the hell...

Solitary Man - What? No Kathleen Turner? Used to be that a Douglas-Turner-DeVito movie would get some damn PRESS COVERAGE!!! Speaking of which...

The War of the Roses - DTD Overdrive

Johnny English Reborn - With Gillian Anderson in the role that John Malkovich played in the first one: the American actor whom the rest of us ask "What the hell are they doing in THAT?" In Gillian's case, she needs the work.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey - My God! Christopher Lee's approaching 90! Better call Michael Gambon...

Drive - "I threw the hot dog toward Tiger Woods because I was inspired by the movie 'Drive,'" 31-year-old Brandon Kelly told The Press Democrat. "As soon as the movie ended, I thought to myself, 'I have to do something courageous and epic. I have to throw a hot dog on the green in front of Tiger.'" Meanwhile, Sarah Deming of Keego Harbor, Michigan, has just filed a lawsuit against FilmDistrict and the Michigan theater chain Emagine for “promot[ing] the film Drive as very similar to Fast and Furious, or similar, series of movies.” Good luck to both of you nutbags! We're dangerously close to entering Helter Skelter territory...

The Best Man(1964) - Lemme guess... Cliff Robertson's Nixon and Henry Fonda's Kennedy... Lee Tracy as Eisenhower... (http://www.epinions.com/review/Best_Man_Franklin_J_Schaffner/content_79235354244) I'm sorry, Fonda as Adlai Stevenson. That's what I get for not doing my homework.

Die Hard 5 - Sheesh. As long as Kevin Smith's not in it.

"Person of Interest" - With Kevin Chapman as Peter MacNicol

Inside Llewyn Davis - Whoever cloned Steven Soderbergh must've done the same with the Coens

Carl(a) - Seems familiar...

Connie and Carla - Close enough

Victor/Victoria - Finally! Found the month's theme...

Glen or Glenda - Now we've gone too far... Holy crap! I think we watched this because of Ed Wood! You talk about subliminigable!...

The Work and The Glory - Gov. Rick Perry would do well to watch the trilogy and get right with God. Does he want to lose Utah? All of Utah?

Trespass (2011) - First of all, there's only one Trespass (1992). The two Ices, the two Bills. Period. Second, since it's a Joel Schumacher film, I guess that means that the phone conversations will have two clear voices. Usually the person on the other end of the phone sounds a little crackly. Schumacher provides audio equity with his phone calls. Third, doesn't Nicolas Cage kinda look like Gary Cole from Office Space?

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows - Sorry, Bobby, but it's going to take more than your plea to salvage the train wreck that is Mel Gibson. For one, he's still worth more than you, right?

Air America - Mel's petitioning to have the title changed to "Fox News Airline"

Suburban Commando - Well, there you have it. Hulk Hogan doesn't support Obama anymore. Dare we bother to find out why?... oh, Hulk wants to be President himself. Sounds about right. I'm voting for Ventura if he runs. He's actually got some governing experience, and Hannity doesn't like him. Reasons enough.

The Fighter - Mark Wahlberg and David O. Russell are finally calling it quits. My question: why now? Why 11 years after George Clooney?

Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust - Greatest title ever... I guess Gary Busey has standards after all.

Immortals - It figures that Mickey Rourke would want to be a part of this... now if we can just get him another face transplant (Johnny Handsome?)

Sledgehammer O'Possum in Out and About - I hate to dredge it from obscurity, but I did see it on Cartoon Newtork lo those many years ago, but it's still perhaps the most obnoxious, annoying cartoon I've ever seen on TV. And I've been to Sick and Twisted festivals! I watched it again with the sound off, and it still held true to its awful, awful ideals.

A Little Bit of Soul - With Geoffrey Rush as Godfrey Usher

Desperado - With Steve Buscemi as Buscemi

The Book of Mormon (2014) - Never say never, right? And they thought they were done after Team America: World Police... for shame, South Park boys!

Jack and Jill - Ah yes... Adam Sandler finally dips his toes into the Eddie Murphy "Nutty Professor" waters, playing two roles on-screen at the same time. Seems like he did that in Zohan somehow, or maybe he just spent most of the film on a MoCap stage. I'm assuming cinematographer Dean Cundey, cameraman on such classic movies as the Back to the Future trilogy, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? and Jurassic Park, got sufficiently drunk on the set.

Rocky Balboa - Oh, Wikipedia... sweet, naive Wikipedia... the sixth and final film in the Rocky franchise? You really believe that, don't you?

And They're Off - Best movie of 1986...

Rapturepalooza - Craig Robinson as the Anti-Christ? All this time I thought it was Anthony Anderson!

Three Sappy People by Dawn's Early Light..........

If I recall correctly, the first Stooges videotape we got back in the day featured Dizzy Pilots, A Bird in the Head, and this one: Three Sappy People. And in it, the Stooges may be up against the greatest challenge they've ever faced: they're up against someone as loony as they are! The sad saga of Lorna Gray / Adrian Booth's career is an interesting one if you've got the time to read it. Not me, I gotta keep moving. How she failed to get a cameo in Crimewave I'll never know. Do your research, Raimi! Incidentally, it's apparently not too late... Here, she's the engine that drives this one forward. Let's have a look-see, shall we?

ACT ONE

Here's the scene, folks: we start with a glimpse into the life of privilege, where this so-called "Great Depression" hasn't inflicted Sherry Rumsford hard enough. She's late to her own party but makes a grand entrance... in her car! We'll leave behind the logistics of that for now and focus on the dilemma of her poor, upper-middle-class husband who's at his wit's end. It's a good thing he loves her, otherwise... And yet, there's a kernel of universal truth there someplace. Boy, I guess it doesn't matter if you're rich or poor: this life's going to be hard for you either way if you're socially inept! A friend suggests these three psychiatrists... The Stooges must've lost the coin flip this time, because they play three guys that get mistaken for the psychiatrists, in lieu of the elegant simplicity of playing the psychiatrists themselves. Scene: the office of Dr. Z. Ziller, Dr. X. Zeller, and Dr. Y. Zoller. I guess they're German. Technical note: as the camera dollies back towards the center of the office, the camera's rolling at 12 frames per second, and the painter and phone operator are working a little more feverishly than normal. Fate sweeps them out of the office. The phone operator exits through one door, the painter through another. Things were more uptight back then. As the painter leaves, the Stooges enter at precisely the same moment. Just go with it. Larry's big moment: he says "Looks like there's nobody here!" Curly easily steals his thunder, though. The man is a comedic genius with a ladder. Apparently they couldn't get a balsa wood prop ladder because Moe ever so gently gets hit in the head with the ladder in a separate shot. The phone operator comes back in and asks "Say! What war is this?" More timely than ever. When it's the Three Stooges, it's obviously World War Three! Duh! Finally, their profession is revealed: they're from the phone company, and they're here to help. The ten scariest words in the English language, especially in this context. The boys, having already begun the hard work of destroying half of the psychiatrists' office, change focus and get down to the hard work of destroying the other half of the office. Moe and Curly engage in a brutal game of tug of war. Curly loses. There's a mid-scene edit so they can carefully set up Curly with paint cans on his hands and a board on his head; Larry, of course, doesn't pull off the illusion as well as Moe.
Fate intervenes again. The Stooges are presented with an economic incentive to pose as the three psychiatrists. I still probably didn't get it right, but apparently in this film Curly's about to be a father, but he could use a little cash, of course... I'm not over-using the word 'apparently,' am I? Boy, I'd hate to see THAT word cloud! Still, the significance of this scene is not to be underestimated: for once, Curly's called to task by his fellow Stooges for "acting slug-nutty all day." Usually their erratic behaviour is a given, is it not?

ACT TWO
There's no fade to black to separate acts one from two, but we gotta trudge on all the same. We're at the Rumsford home, where Sherry's about to leave. Fortunately, or unfortunately, the Stooges arrive on a three-seater tandem. Sherry finds the threesome hilarious, and decides to stay and entertain her party guests after all. The chauffeur looks on in abject horror; hence the picture! Once again, the Stooges show their liberal bias: Sherry invites the boys in by saying "Last one in is a Republican!" The Stooges immediately crash into butler Bud Jamison, who almost as immediately crash-lands into the lap of a party guest. The Stooges only make matters worse with the most obvious jokes. The long-suffering husband says "Now, let me tell you a little bit about Sherry..." ...yup! Can't go wrong with names with two meanings. All this talk about alcohol sends the boys scurrying over to the punch table. What is it with the Stooges and food? Larry gets another chance to strut his acting chops by pointing out that the punch is weak. Ever the experimental chemists, the boys dump more liquor into the punch bowl until it's steaming, as though from dry ice. Man, is my typing getting atrocious of late! I thought I was going to get better at typing as I get older... Oh, right, Moe adds Worcestershire, and Larry adds Tabasco to the mix. More acting for Larry. The husband comes over and says "Gentlemen, would you be good enough to look my wife over, now?" Easy...
Next comes the recurring gag that holds practically the rest of the film hostage: that old reflex test where you tap just below a person's kneecap. The Stooges of course can't even handle that. Fortunately, Curly doesn't totally lose it on Sherry's knee. Curly ends up kicking Moe in the face... or close enough to it. Curly also runs afoul of a comedy statue, quite similar to Harpo in Animal Crackers. How much did THAT cost?

ACT THREE
As often happens when the Stooges visit the job creators, dinner gets served. They're first in the race to the dinner table, of course, but we start Act Three with a level playing field. You know, so everyone has an equal chance. Moe reigns in Larry by his curly hair. Curly's seated next to a classy dame, the Countess played by Ann Doran. She's a cut above the usual Stooge actor. She played James Dean's mom in Rebel Without a Cause! God bless the IMDb. Of course, she looks like she's going to laugh when Curly touches her cheek with an electric razor. Such sloppy work. The Countess is working her face over with a ... you know, one of those makeup pads. Geez, am I devolving or what? Is there any doubt that it's going to get eaten? The Countess has moved on to lipstick, so she doesn't suspect anything, except that Curly's still a nut. Thank God the tamales arrive. Curly's confused by his, while Moe and Larry look downright horrified. Technical note: I should probably point out that the same background audio loop is used, as we hear the same chuckle over and over and over and over and over.... but back to the tamales, the food that leads to the big food fight that all these high-class banquets seem to end with. What is it about the upper-class people during the Great Depression wasting food? Such decadence. These tamales seem to be filled with black ink. Larry squirts Curly in the eye, and Curly throws his tamale at Moe, despite Larry's protestations. I only point this out because the tamale gives Moe the appearance of a Devil's beard which he's unable to shake. The food fight quickly turns to cream puffs, given the lack of pies. Ann Doran gets used as a shield by Curly, which leads to her great line: "The King shall hear of this!" Curly, of course, does his move where he winds up to throw a cream puff, gets hit in the face, winds up again, gets hit again... that's his shtick! That's his shtick that he does! Several times in different films. Poor Bud Jamison gets some cream puff residue on the back of his neck, and raises his shoulders in response. The Stooges receive some pay, and the long-suffering husband finally gets some payback. Assault by chocolate cake, if you will. Am I the only one who thought of Joe Pesci's demise in GoodFellas? Similar setup, anyway. Should serve as a nice prolegomena to any future rich eccentrics.

EPILOGUE

Earlier in the film, Curly said he suffered from T.S. As do we all, Curly... as do we all...

***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Penny and Garry Marshall

I cannot believe I forgot this powerhouse sibling pair! I have to temporarily suspend the alphabetical order of things... oh, it's just that important. Sorry, Parlapanides, but you're just a'gonna hafta wait'a. Well, I guess Garry's doing all the powering these days, frankly. He's made a movie called "Valentine's Day". Up next? "New Year's Day" or "New Year's Eve." If he's really bold, he'll do "Pesach" or "The Bestest Yom Kippur Ever."
As with the Scotts, Ridley and Tony, one's got the brains and sensitivity, and one's got the box office savvy. Penny caught on for a while during the 90s when the Cold War ended and we were ready to get in touch with our feelings. Garry had a couple tricks up his sleeve, though! Cheeky bastard. If I had to guess, I'd say the 80s were Penny's favorite decade. Well, she's kinda mid-decades. If I had to guess, I'd say 1985-1995 were her favourite years. After The Preacher's Wife, it was a slow decline into... shudder! Directing TV. According to Jim? Puh-leeeeeze. Jim's not a good director's actor. 1999's Made Men? That's Jim's kind of thing.
As for Garry, well, it appears that, after Pretty Woman, he was pretty much free to bomb as he pleased. Tis a long way between blockbusters after all. But God bless him, Hector Elizondo won't do a film without Garry... motel pictures, huh? A toast to the practically guaranteed success of New Year's Eve. Take a chance on the trilogy, Gar. Make a romantic Boxing Day blockbuster with Don McKellar in the lead. Take a chance!

Shrek 4.5?

Where's Keith Braithwaite when I need him? Why, even Albert Pyun doesn't stop by anymore... even when I flash the Pyun Signal in the sky.......... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... time to eat my cans of frosting some more. Well, this should come as little to no surprise. Of course, it's no Cars 2, but few can be. Larry the Cable Guy might stick out like a sore paw in this one. Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas team up for at least the third time for Puss in Boots. The other debuts this week include In Time, The Rum Diary and... Anonymous? That's this week, right? Oh dear. According to Variety, it's in limited release stateside. Still, I can't help but think that the Bard is smiling down on the film's failure. But let's get back to the other films. No one's raving about The Rum Diary, but I look on the bright side: Ebert gave it more stars than 1998's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Then again, FLLV had a #1 opening weekend. Always a trade-off. Meanwhile, more Coen news keeps pouring in. Apparently Justin Timberlake has signed on to Inside Llewyn Davis, the Coens' next flic. Never underestimate the casting power of the director of photography: longtime Coen collaborator Roger Deakins was the camera guy on In Time. My other favourite example is Thomas Rosales Jr. who had semi-prominent roles in Heat and L.A. Confidential, both filmed by... the same Italian dude. Our guest has returned; I better go...

The Friends of Benny Affleck

I wasn't sure if I should go with that headline (an awful pun based on 'The Friends of Eddie Coyle') or with "Ben Affleck's 'Heat'", but both surely apply, and there are homages to both in Affleck's Boston-based crime caper "The Town." The only thing he forgot is repeated trips to the confession booth, or to a wake, or wherever one goes to get wine and communion wafers. The religion of the characters is left out of it for time's sake.
Welp, seeing as how I am such a movie geek to the point of remembering the freakin' TRAILERS for these things, I might as well make it part of my critique, because the trailer did sell the film pretty well for me. On the other hand, I did have a problem with the whole love story angle... if I remember correctly, they pointed out in the trailer that this was a thriller with a twist: the robber falls in love with the sexy young girl who works at the bank. Victor Garber, not so much. Loved him in Titanic, though! I had problems with that plot device in the trailer, and I had more problems with it in the movie. Aren't I a genius? Love me, cherish me. But Ben does what he can with it. It does become a problem later on, and the plot gets complicated as a result.
But let's get back to the meat and potatoes of the film. We got ourselves a fine heist film here with all the modern conveniences that a modern take on the cops 'n robbers genre needs. Jon Hamm plays the proverbial Al Pacino "Heat" role here as the FBI guy hot on the bad guys' trail. Ben Affleck is the proverbial De Niro "Heat" arch-criminal but with a thick Boston brogue. The meeting of Ben and Hamm clearly isn't as epic, iconic, game-changing, what-have-you, as the Heat counterpart, but not many can be. Besides, with Righteous Kill, De Niro and Pacino are an ocean cruise away from being the new post Buddy Buddy Lemmon/Matthau comedy team! Let's face it! And let's hope that it comes to fruition.
So the robbery that opens films like these pretty much goes off without a hitch, but they decide to take bank employee Rebecca Hall along with them during the getaway. Apparently this wasn't Affleck's idea, but he takes a shine to her all the same. Well, Woody Allen did as well, so can you blame a guy? They drop her off and leave her blindfolded and barefoot, much like what was done in Coyle under similar circumstances. She provides the moral dilemma of the movie: is she just another witness to eliminate? Or do she and Affleck live happily ever after?
The courtship begins, right after Ben has a quickie with future Ellen Barkin-in-training, Blake Lively. Usually the woman wants the man to spend the night, but anything REALLY goes these days, as Cole Porter will attest from his heavenly post as he looks down on the modern world in constant, perpetual disbelief. But you see, Krista and Claire represent two 'paths' that Doug MacRay can take with his life. Krista is the same-old-same-old blue collar life, and Claire is the upgrade to the nice part of town. "Dig Dug" clearly has a lot of brushing up to do if he wants to fit in with Claire. Their first meeting was a bit underwhelming as a psychological gotcha game; Claire should've been a little more suspicious, frankly. The communal garden becomes Dougie and Claire's "home base," so to speak. We'll go back there a couple more times.
But now, it's back to the guy stuff. Next robbery, please! This one gets a little messy, but they manage to escape, Ronin-style. Sorry, Spoiler Alert. More plot developments, then the one final score. Enter that venerable character actor, Pete Postlethwaite. Who does he remind me of... James Finlayson, ever so slightly? Guess we'll have to wait for that biopic a little longer. Oh well. SPOILER ALERT: Something for all bad guys everywhere to remember: if you want to get killed, tell someone about how you killed their parents. You just might get your own self killed soon after. Another biopic casting suggestion: Titus Welliver as the lead in the Anthony Bourdain biopic, directed by Steven Soderbergh.
The plotting in Heat was a little more fluid, not so by-the-numbers as you might notice. The Town, sadly, suffers a bit as the end approaches. And I'm being kind: there are plot holes you could drive an armored car through... but I did appreciate the bit where the cops start shooting at the wrong armored car. How do you signal to the cops in an armored car that you're not the bad guy? The dude in this instance does what he can, probably getting very hurt in the process. The crooks that we're rooting for here aren't as prepared as the crooks in Heat, and very much less prepared as the ones in Bandits in their big final escape. Still, the main ones manage to escape: Coughlin and MacRay. Philosophical discussion time: are they not two sides of the same coin? I'll leave that for others to hash out, except to say, yes. Yes they are. And one side of the coin has to die, or at least get re-smelted. More spoilers: Dougie escapes, but manages to leave enough money behind for Claire to donate ice to the local rink in Dougie's mom's name. There's even a nice plaque and everything. On behalf of my cranky friend who watched the movie with me: wouldn't that get Claire into even more trouble than she was already in with the FBI? Wouldn't they ask where the money came from for her to make such a charitable donation? Wouldn't that happen? Or did Dougie set that up before he left? So many questions. And yet, I was entertained nonetheless. Probably won't watch it again, but who's got time to rewatch everything anyway, right? Unless someone wants to get it for me on Blu-Ray, hint hint..... sigh. That never works!


***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

The state of the American blockbuster: Thar be the cast of "Blow"!

Tis a rare occasion indeed for me when I get to travel to a friend's house to watch a movie. But every once in a while the stars align just right, and that very thing did just happen, as this friend of mine happened to buy the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. An expensive 2-pack, no less! They got the Blu-Ray AND the DVD. Can you believe they're already predicting the obsolescence of the DVD? Apparently the internet's going to conquer our TVs or something, and provide streaming movies to our TVs wherever and whenever, blah blah blah. Personally, I think they might as well try to get DVD commentaries coming into our cable boxes. That's the state of the American cinema at this point: why watch the sick and twisted Death Wish II when you can listen to the even sicker and more twisted minds behind the making of it?
Unfortunately, this friend of mine didn't have a 3D television yet, so I didn't fully appreciate the various gratuitous 3D moments that are apparently going to become commonplace. Personally, I'm not as against them as Roger Ebert is. Most of the great movies have some kind of 3D gimmick in them already. Anyone remember that Buster Keaton film where he's sitting on the front of a train that emerges from the horizon and stops just short of hitting the camera? That would probably be his vanity logo if he were alive and filming today... or maybe the thing where the front of the house falls on top of him. Yeah, probably that one.
This film cost 250 million dollars. Let that sink in for a while. I guess that's small potatoes these days, actually. Quantum of Solace cost around 225 million. Spider Man 3 also sported a 250 million price tag. Lord knows what the next Batman film's going to cost. I'm thinking probably 210: they should stick with the 30 million step increases just to be safe; of course, they're feverishly changing Catwoman's costume digitally, so there's another 20 million or so. But Pirates of the Caribbean 4 cost 250 million, 55 of which went to Johnny Depp. I'm assuming he didn't have points; otherwise, he would've gotten screwed. Disney's the real pirate, am I right? Whatever Geoffrey Rush got, it obviously didn't go towards makeup. He's looking a bit pale these days. Well, some people are a rougher 60 than others, but he's still got that true pirate spirit, and a hearty laugh to boot.
Unfortunately, there isn't a digital marvel here quite like the squid-faced Davy Jones. But make no mistake about it, we're not short on alpha male pirates here, and Ian McShane as Blackbeard will do rather nicely. Unfortunately, he's not allowed to run free at the mouth like his Deadwood character. This is PG-13, for God's sake! Speaking of which, his ... I'm sorry, the demise of one of the characters seemed to push the PG-13 rating pretty good. The 250 million is nothing if not up on the screen, I give 'em that.
As for the plot, well, I think it was sufficiently complicated enough. That's the way plots are these days: they try to insure repeat viewings through complicated plots, but I think I got the gist of it the first go-round. They wisely trimmed the Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom characters from the fat, and broadened the pic's scope a bit. Pintel and Ragetti are gone too; I guess they wanted too much money. I haven't read the novel that this installment's based on. I just hope it's not like the Twilight series at all. I'm probably giving it away, but I'll make the comparison nonetheless: probably the most direct comparison I can make is that this smacks ever so slightly of Indiana Jones 3. This time, however, there's two chalices instead of one... and the retrieval of a mermaid tear to boot. The mermaids this time seem to have arrived more or less out of the FHM/Maxim/Michael Bay casting vortex, with a vampire twist, if I may be so bold. The mermaids are rather bereft of cleavage, which is where Penelope Cruz comes in. Gotta love that hat. Why, is that a tattoo? I don't know much about tattoo etiquette, but a breast tattoo probably shouldn't be much larger than hers. I'm old fashioned that way, what can I say. Barry Sonnenfeld adopted a similar strategy with Wild Wild West and beyond: production values. Well, what do you expect from the director of such hits as Chicago, Memoirs of a Geisha and Nine?... that WAS Judi Dench! Lucky girl... I missed it, but Keith Richards returns as Jack Sparrow's dad, and he's got a classic line: "Does this face look like it's been to the Fountain of Youth?" I guess not, but does he still goes to Switzerland to get his blood changed?
Well, I guess I hate to admit it, but I was entertained. What can I say? The way movies are made today, there seems to be a lot of science poured into their making. Computer graphics, probably computer-enhanced screenwriting. Do they use word clouds to double check everything? Something's going on, I swear. Of course, I couldn't help but think that computer-enhanced screenwriting was at work in Terminator 3 when Ah-nold appears nude in the world once again, but ends up going into a Chippendale's themed strip club. Maybe it's focus group-based screenwriting, who knows. But no matter how fancy things get (in the Pirates movies), there always seems to be a moment when Jack ends up at one solitary island. It happened in the first one, and he was out of rum. No time to stop and smell the rum in this one. Also, he doesn't get decked in the face, only to turn and stick his big mug right in the camera's lens. See? 3D before it was 3D. Why, one might go so far as to say that the entrance to the fountain of youth was a teeny bit of an homage to Depp's big death scene in A Nightmare on Elm Street, both more or less involving fluids defying gravity. They even manage to work in an homage to ships in a bottle. Even better than that, because of Penelope Cruz, they throw in a quick nod to the tempestuous nature of Spanish/Mexican women: they apparently love and hate you in equal measure. So much feminine mystique summed up in one 10 second exchange... A toast to the new science of movies; may they never have to reveal it to us.

***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

"Hey, don't look now, but I think we're about to be killed!"

FINALLY! One I don't have to watch... but what the hell, I don't have a whole lot on my plate right now

ACT ONE

We start off with the bad guys this time, a gang of three crooks who don't even use a gun. They're slick slicksters who talk old widows into handing over the deeds to their houses. If I remember correctly, Nixon used to do something similar before he became president. But the high and low tend to cross paths in California, and the three white collar criminals drive past our three blue-collar heroes. Larry jumps out of the way into Moe's arms; Moe promptly throws Larry onto the ground. Well, not too promptly, but you get the idea. The first recurring acorn is planted in the brain when Curly says he craves roast chicken and dumplings. Over the course of the next 16 minutes or so, it will become a mighty oak. A mighty oak indeed. Moe slaps Curly, telling him it was for not dreaming enough for the both of them. A smart sentiment. Doesn't bode well for Larry. Yes, Curly is indeed in full bloom here, chewing up the scenery like nobody's business. But before Moe can really tear into Curly, Larry spots the farm across the street. The boys enter. Curly finds an egg. Some capering ensues. The farmer comes in. Seeing as how this was the Great Depression and all, and the farmer apparently had no Mexicans working for him, the farmer offers to feed the boys after they saw up some wood... hoh boy. Here we go.
Curly ends up getting the back of his head sawed by this giant saw. Cheese and crackers. Ah, I remember the good old days when we would rewind the VCR tape and watch that part a couple of times, wondering how the hell they did that. Even now I can't help but squeam at it. Incidentally, when Curly wrecks a tool like that, there are no follow-ups... until now. Moe and Larry have to keep using this saw, but can't because of the teeth ravaged by Curly's corundum head! Moe loses it and starts chasing Curly round the wood. Moe gets hit in the stomach with the saw... it's too hard to explain. Curly gets hit with the saw next. Now, finer movie critics than I also cut their teeth on this movie, and noticed differences in Curly's line readings. In Movie Maniacs and the instant case, Curly ends up saying "My mother knows my name." I think the general consensus is that his line reading in Movie Maniacs was better than it is in Oily to Bed, Oily to Rise. But I can see the wisdom in both approaches: it's hard to keep things fresh.
It's not quite Act Two yet... The farmer comes back in, sees the mess the boys made, and gives them an easier task to do: loading a wagon. It's either that or jail, and the boys are still eager to impress. Of course, even a task as simple as loading a wagon can get totally f... messed up by the Stooges. This is the stark contrast between Laurel & Hardy and the Three Stooges. The modern world's conveniences never fail to foul up L&H's plans. The Stooges seem a little more deliberate in comparison. Anyway, the final score: Curly - 0, Faulty Wagon Bottom - 4. Curly ends up in close to genuine tears. So painful to watch.

ACT TWOhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif... these blank.gifs are breeding like rabbits!

We see the deednappers at work, but their luck's about to change... or, at least, cross paths with the Stooges. Worse than any voodoo. One of the bad guys steps in mud, almost as bad as the mud that Principal Ed Rooney runs afoul of at the Bueller residence... geez! I must be stuck in 1985. God, I hate that song. Anyway, the muddy foot guy uses the wrong sign to wipe off his foot with, and off he goes to join his buddies. Meanwhile, the Stooges are on foot. How they ended up with the irate farmer is wisely left alone. We'll see him again as an army sergeant that the boys REALLY run afoul of. Good comedic foil. The boys are so tired from walking that Curly can't even bark like a dog at his usual full throttle. And then... let the wishing begin! Fear itself is the only thing after all! The Stooges become proverbial Cinderellas when they stumble across the "free auto." Once again, finer eyes detected that the boys run towards the car early. (Curly 7:13) Sloppy, sloppy editing, but that's Cannery Row for ya!
Is it just me, or would Barry Sonnenfeld make a good Curly? Well, maybe 10 years ago. Alas, Awesomest Maximus will just have to do. He works cheap. Curly's wish streak continues, as the boys stumble upon a house with a nice old lady cooking up a batch of roast chicken, dumplings, and hot apple pie. An early example of dubbing: Curly whispers to Moe, "Gee, I wish she had some roast chicken and dumplings!" Is Hollywood always this magical? Moe does an impression of Shemp at about 9:44. Again, maybe it's just me, but it's indeed rare to see Moe not angry, and not on the verge of a spate of violence. The boys eat their fill, then offer to do some work for this nice lady. Curly's next wish: to meet three beautiful girls. The wish comes true when the nice lady's three daughters come home from a bathing beauty contest. The boys immediately stop what they're doing and introduce themselves. The nice old lady wisely gets them back on track. Back they go to fix the pump. Their penchant for chaos serves all well as they discover a very giving oil reserve on the nice old lady's land. Welp, that's one thing to be said about solar panels! You can't just dig 'em up. The oil well's erupting from the ground, and the boys, ever the idea men, get the idea to stop the gusher with Curly's ass. It works for a while, but Curly eventually isn't enough to hold back the oil stream, and he ends up in the air. At about 4:17, Curly sounds a bit like John Candy when he says "Get me down," I dare say! Maybe I'm up too late. Moe and Larry eventually lasso Curly, and yank him down off the oil stream, and he falls, breaks his neck, and dies instantly. No, not really, but still... damn, you know SOMEBODY got hurt doing all this stuff! The nice old lady... let's call her the widow Jenkins at this point, what the hell. The boys tell the widow Jenkins that she's rich. The widow Jenkins informs the boys that she just handed over her deed. Now who's acting like a Stooge? Anyway, the Stooges change out of their oil-soaked clothes into some dry clothes. They storm off looking like three widow Jenkinses, and act even more butch than usual to compensate for their new duds. They drive around in search of the crooks and fortunately happen upon them rather quickly.

ACT THREE

I just realized! I didn't break for Act 3 yet. Might as well do it here. Anyway, they find the bad guys, defeat the bad guys, sit back and let the car drive itself like three idiots, regain control of the car, and defeat the widow Jenkins' picket fence with the bad guys' car. Curly's last wish for a Justice of the Peace comes true. I didn't recognize him because he didn't have a face full of mashed potatoes. Curly makes a Dionne quintuplets reference, kisses Moe on the face, and it ends. And so ends an unusually action-packed Stooge film. One of the actual classics. Again, maybe I'm just biased because it's a childhood favourite. You could warp your kids with worse these days.

****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Oxide and Danny Pang

How about some real chemical brothers? It's right there in the name, for Gawd's zake! And on top of that, like the Hughes, they're twins. This phenom seems to be more common than not. But at least these twins were born on the same day... same year, anyway. Somewhere on the web it says that Marc and Lori Singer are twins, but check this out... Marc "Beastmaster" Singer, born 1948. Lori Singer, born 1957. Sigh. She's almost at the grandmother stage of her career, for Gawd's zake! I was going to say that you never see Marc Singer and Kevin Bacon together, but these days it's more like Marc Singer and Ellen Degeneres. Could somebody else play the Kevin Bacon game for me? Why don't they have that on IMDb yet? Start with Eagle Eye. That'll save you a lot of heartache trying to connect the dots. But let's try and get back to the Pangs here. For Gawd's sake. They began their cinematic odyssey in 1999 in earnest with a li'l independent feature called Who Is Running? From this plot description, it seems we can tell where their whole career's basically headed, into quasi-Ringu territory. Sorry, but I must confess I'm not a Pang brother expert. Next came Bangkok Dangerous, which they would of course later remake with Nic Cage. Well, they must be making money, because they keep working. Their output is pretty impressive, you must admit! Almost as prolific as Tyler Perry! Well, Tyler's probably the gold standard now: two movies a year. He's the gold standard now. The Pangs tried to keep up during the 2000s. And despite what you might think, Bangkok Haunted's not a sequel to Bangkok Dangerous. Also, they skipped The Eye 3-9 and jumped right to The Eye 10. They did so well in fact that in 2003 they went British Hollywood with The Tesseract starring Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Soon after they went Hollywood with 2007's The Messengers starring Dylan McDermott. On the other hand, they didn't write one. It's a film about the ghosts that haunt Penelope Ann Miller's career. Then came their Bangkok Dangerous reboot with Nicolas Cage. I remember it well because it opened at #1 in its first week, then dropped to #8 its second week, and then completely out of the top 10 the third week... is that a good thing? Well, it doesn't seem to have slowed them down a whole lot. Their latest is Sleepwalker... which is where I have to draw the line. There's only one Sleepwalker, and that's 1992's Sleepwalkers, based on a Richard Bachman story... or Stephen King, one of those two. Check out this photo: this should tell you all you need to know... about something.

Hey! Remember 1988?

What a year. The Talking Heads began their long slide into breaking up after the over-produced "Little Creatures" and "Naked." John Hughes was growing up, so to speak, moving into family territory with "She's Having a Baby." Bruce Hornsby and his soft-rock minions taking MTV away from the children. "Rain Man" sweeping the Oscars. Me, I was just starting high school and trying to keep my head above water. The point being, 1988 is when "Paranormal Activity 3" takes place. I hope they got the production design right! They must be doing something right, as each film in the trilogy's been raking in the dough. Bet the Saw films wish they could do that well. Less is more, guys. Someday, all hit movies will be filmed on cellphones from a web diary point of view. Won't our eyes be thanking us in advance for that?
Meanwhile, the Brits are taking a sacking at the box office. The other two debuts this week clearly aren't faring as well. The Three Musketeers at #4? Did Dick Lester direct this one as well? Are they not trying hard enough? On the other end of the spectrum, there's Johnny English 2: The Sequel No One Wanted. Lemme tell you something: if even Richard Curtis didn't want anything to do with it, you're in trouble. Someone's in trouble. Probably all of us. But he's working for Spielberg! Everything is below his level now. He'll choose his projects a lot more carefully for now on... if he's smart. Just saying. Better run.

The Pink Panther cartoons shine on!

Boy, just when you think YouTube's got everything... I just happened to be watching Scorsese's latest documentary about George Harrison the old fashioned way, TiVo'd off of HBO. George was at some happening, and on a screen in the background they were showing Pink Posies! Awesome. Or maybe it was one of the remakes that spliced old footage into new cartoons with not so much new footage... apparently just Pinkologist. Nah, that can't be right, because that was the late 70s when George was a bit of a train wreck in his Gallagher-esque outfit and his raspy voice. Nah, must've been just after 1967 when A Serious Man came out... I mean, when Pink Posies came out.
...oh, right. The cartoon itself. Well, it's kinda standard stuff, but as timeless as ever. There's a couple of these Pink Panther cartoons that aren't so good... this one where he spends six minutes on out-of-control rollerskates comes to mind, but here we've got a good old fashioned freaking out of The Man. It's a flower-based arms race between the yellow establishment and the pink grassroots. Who will win? I hate to spoil it for you, but I will say that the dude getting shot with the Insta-Grow flower seeds was a little extreme... but that's how things are these days. A normal person has to wince at cartoon violence. Any deviation from the normal reactions and you can't run for President.

****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan