Short Reviews - September

Welp, if THIS doesn't get me into trouble, nothing will. Damn the critics, the naysayers who demand fact from their fiction - oh, it's going on the air, baby. (QT in charge of the airwaves?) Besides, we gotta get people interested in TV movies somehow, right? As for me, I'll wait for the special edition DVD with commentary. They should've released them on the same day. Me myself, I've lately fallen back in love with Ghostbusters, but there are other movies out there, aren't there? Let's pound out some quickie reviews...

Suckers - Which is what you are if you see this.

Accepted - AKA Mac Commercial Guy: The Motion Picture. I'm getting tired of asking the one guy about his weiner! Boy, some of my local newspaper brethren skewered this thing right: poor unfortunate middle-class white kids can't study enough to get into regular college, so they have to make one up. Incidentally, the Simpsons already beat them to the SAME funny college acronym punch. But the real sad story behind the scenes here is the saga of Steve Pink. After all that hard work working alongside John Cusack to climb the ladder up to Film Director. The Devil's bargain is of course that it be to direct a film like this. Ouch! What would D.V. DeVincentis say?

The Grave - Boy! Talk about ANWaR drilling!...

Applebee Duo vs. Snickers Guy - Which of the TV Commercial Troubadors will win?

Malcolm X - The best film Malcolm X never saw.

Lavagirl - I don't know. Looks pretty slick, but I think it needs another pass through Renderman.

Silverado - Jeff Goldblum as Travis Bickle.

Into the Night (aka Michelle Pfeiffer Naked: The Motion Picture) - Jeff Goldblum as Chevy Chase.

CrossOver - The phrase "killer app" is used all too often in the software world; if not, it'll be their legacy. Anyway, sometimes to separate yourself from the pack of basketball movies )Love and Basketball), you need a killer app, and a slam dunk while jumping over two motorcycles is definitely a killer app.

Santa Clause 3 - Martin Short as Jack Frost? The role of a lifetime?

Until the End of the World - I know recording dreams is the next frontier and a cool-sounding idea and all that... but I dunno.  I mean, what if my dad were to watch a DVD of one of my dreams?  Something new to critique!  "That's a terrible dream and here are twenty-five reasons why.  First of all, it's in black and white.  Who dreams in black and white?  And second, you seem to have abandonment issues.  Third, why are you always running away in your dreams?  And I mean, ALWAYS?  I'm sure it's not just the one dream that I've seen of course... by the way, I apologize for prying.  And why are you recording these things anyway?  What a waste!  Don't damage the machine!  Don't damage the machine like that!"

Foodfight: The Motion Picture. This is a movie called Foodfight, and it has a 65 million dollar budget. Try and understand, this is why the rest of the world hates America.

Andrew McCarthy religious movie "Heaven Must Wait" (Diggity's treasure, whatever...) - Watch this movie and Andrew McCarthy will make you believe in Jesus. Watch him in Mulholland Drive and you're going straight to Hell. Oh yeah, which reminds me...

Fresh Horses - Ben Stiller, baby! He has it, Sex Majik, Sex Majik... Everybody!.... No one remembers? Okay, skip it,

Hostage - One of the critics said of One Hour Photo - Okay, Robin. We get it. As I watched the opening scene of this, a hostage negotiator (Bruce Willis) is negotiating the release of a mother and her kid being held hostage by the husband. (spoiler alert) The husband shoots himself, the wife ends up dead, and Willis gets to the kid just before he dies. I couldn't help but think to myself: it was bleak, but could it be bleaker? Well, could it? Also, they of course use the old tried and true rule of BDAGIF, except this time it's a black woman cop. Again, her death could've been a little more gruesome. That's all of it I saw...

Happy Feet - Happy Feet. Kermit had 'em. Steve Martin had 'em. And now, Happy Feet has 'em. How Farce of the Penguins wishes it looked.

I hate to say it, but time to play casting director: Christian Hayden as John Mark Karr? Kinduva double bill with Shattered Glass... Just a thought. ;)

This Film Is Not Yet Rated - I don't know. I can't really get excited about this issue. But I would agree there's something wrong with the MPAA if all it takes is the extra-agressive advocate like Neil LaBute or Kevin Smith to circumvent the disastrous NC-17. At least Showgirls took its lumps, or Henry and June. Nothing lately.

The Marine - Happy Propaganda! That'll get those recruitment goals up. Makes Firestorm look like a classic.

School For Scoundrels - I dunno; doesn't look so sweet.

And finally, the pretty boy movie of the moment: Path to 9/11, or the best episode of CSI: Blame the Clinton Administration I've ever seen. Finally! The Right is ponying up some serious money for Propaganda. In your face, Celsius 411 or whatever... If nothing else, these boys have an excellent future in titles and segue shots. Am I right, techie casting agents? Well, while we're waiting for the Daily Show / Colbert Report Comedy Nexus to return and tear this thing a new one nice and proper like, let's face it folks. This is all-out war. War between Management (The Media Conglomerates) and Labor (Everyone else), and the former members of the Clinton Administration who are still alive to defend themselves, still alive to bring about a nice fat Libel suit. To appease the Gods they should show The Reagans; you know, just to balance things out. Meanwhile all our children are standing by on the sidelines thinking, "What a bunch of dorks." Hell, I'm thinking that too.