Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Screaming Uruk-hai Zonkers! It's the Motherf@¢#!&* Box Office Report

Dang! How quickly the time goes, and for that matter the money too. But I'm going to make it a point to get to it a little earlier this week... I'm not sure why. :)
Incidentally, speaking of things numberical, for those of you who be mathematically inclined, all the square numbers are debuts! 1 squared, 2 squared (4) and 3 squared (9). The rest? Same old crap. Let's dive in.
At 10 it's Barnyard, dropping from #6 last week, which means next week it'll be at #14, and ready to take its place alongside Antz and A Bug's Life. Is it just me, or does Andie MacDowell look a little bit animated in her own right, if ya know what I mean?
Debuting at #9 it's Idlewild. Not unique enough for this overcrowded movie meat market, apparently. Who wouldn't want to see the Blaxploitation version of Moulin Rouge!? Damn, it's hard for a musical pimp.
At #8 Step Up steps down from #4, almost double the position. Sure, it may seem like it's headed for obscurity, but just you wait until Step Up 2: The Step-Up-pening hits the Direct-to-Video market. Heads are gonna roll!
Dropping the biggest drop is Snakes on a Plane, crash-landing to #7 from the top slot last week. Oh, it's so lonely out there in the media; guess none of the anchors or pundits could get a story out of "Well, they sure expected it to do better than #7 the second week." Any attention is good attention these days... or is that publicity, I don't know which. Me myself, I'm still waiting for Formula 52!
#6: It's the little movie that could, Accepted. Sliding only one slot down this week, there were 6.34 million dollars worth of asses in seats who did indeed want to ask that one nerd in the hot dog costume about his weiner. March on to greatness, Accepted. March on. The MTV movie awards are a lock. For if not MTV, then surely the Blockbuster awards will shine down upon you.
Sliding two slots down to #5 this week it's World Trade Center: The Motion Picture. Also available in IMAX! Well, it should've been, anyway. It would've if Jean-Jacques Annaud made it! ...nuff said.
At #4 this week it's Beerfest. From the filmmaking fraternity that brought you Super Troopers, it's a new comedy even less conceptual than Club Dread. Or more conceptual? I thought it was less. Anyway, these days it's not a question of which bodily fluids are going into the beer, but rather how many gallons.
At #3 it's LMS, a rare case when a movie moves UP the charts, usually independent films that gain a little steam, and more theaters as the campaign marches on. For Mr. Carell, it's all just small potatoes until that Get Smart remake hits the silver screen, and hard. All part of Mel Brooks' second coming. Fingers crossed: Spaceballs prequel!
At #2 it's Will Ferrell's 2006 project: Ricky Bobby. Yawn. You know what this means, don't you? For Will Ferrell, 2007 will mean at least three bombs, and then 2008 it's the next McKay / Ferrell collaboration: their 40-year old virgin varietal.
And finally, at the top of the mountain this week, it's good ol' Marky Mark, Charlie Brown and his 2006 project: Invincible. And thank God! Another DP joins the already-swollen ranks of the DGA. Whoop-de-freakin'-doo. Look out, Peter Hyams: this Core bastard's on your ass! Originally intended for Dennis Quaid and to be directed by John Lee Hancock, they both dropped out due to scheduling conflicts, and besides! They're both tired of being too successful. Enter Marky Mark, and Mr. Core said "This is my big chance to be a bonafide A-List moovee director! Foreal!" And so, financial history was made this week, all those many painful re-writes and re-shoots later, and it was all worth it. If they had to do it all over again, they sure would. And you'd better too, for isn't that the only way to be?
Man, these take up too much time! And that's just the reading...

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