Sunday, October 28, 2007

Mighty Acorns / When Cult Movies Attack: The XYZ Murders / Relentless --> Crimewave

SPOILERS

It's all part of my feeble attempt to go over the Coen film library before No Country for Old Men comes out for us poor American schlubs to finally see. The French probably got DVDs of it already, huh? So I'm going over all their films. Got 'em all on DVD, so I plan on re-watching 'em all... except for their twentieth of Paris, Je T'Aime; that was a little too je ne sais quoi for my taste.

Well, what can be said about 1985's Crimewave that hasn't already been said? The Maltin guide dismisses this as a mere exercise in style, and it's a statement I may have agreed with in the past. The two cartoonish crooks are kinda irritating at first, but it all goes back to that old Reverse Law of Diminishing Movie Returns: generally, the more you see a movie, the more your misconceptions of it get worn down, the more you feel like the film's editor and so on, until the more it becomes the best damn movie you've ever seen in your entire life. It's not quite at that point yet for me, but it's not without reward. There's a couple nice setpieces in it. For instance, some of those crashes on the freeway were pretty cool! Even if they were done at 3 in the morning on a Sunday. Why does everything explode twice? I still can't wrap my head around that. Also, Tango & Cash is still a cut-rate White Trash version of Lethal Weapon 2, even though I've seen it a couple times since its original 1989 release but I'll do that one later.

The film (Crimewave) was disowned by director Sam Raimi, and for the most part it fits comfortably into the Troma / Cannon vibe of most of the inexpensive, independent American films made in the 1980s. If only Gilbert Gottfried were still hosting USA Up All Night they'd maybe show it on TV. Stylistically, it's almost a touchstone of Coen visual tricks, especially their early work. There are many parallels to be found here, for instance with the use of names (Hudsucker, Odegard), but I don't have the kind of time necessary to catalogue all that crap anymore. Besides, the Coens apparently are already inundated with ravenous, bookish fans who've done more homework than even I. Personally, I thought a little bit of Crimewave when I watched The Man Who Wasn't There. Was I the only one?



The film may have been butchered by the unconfident producers but they managed to stay true to the Three Stooges theme of the picture, specifically in terms of sound effects. They got to use a lot of the Stooges' original sound effects, and some of the Warner Brothers cartoons ones, too! Emil Sitka has a small role, for Christ sake! This also seemed to be a boon in terms of dubbing lines in post, like the Fleischer cartoons where the actors were allowed to improvise lines. You sometimes get the feeling here that all opportunities for asides were used. There's a big sequence where Louise Lasser fights with Paul Smith, (that's not really his voice, is it?) who I remember most fondly as Bluto in the big screen version of Popeye, with his role as Mo in The In-Laws (1979) a close second. There is creativity in the way he handles the flying dishware, which probably influenced The War of the Roses to an extent, for one. He gets three bowling balls dropped on his head, and ends up destroying the carpet in a positively Spielbergian sequence. If this were made today, the black dude would probably get treated a lot differently, but I digress. And furthermore, it wasn't exactly a picnic for the producers. Why, Ed Pressman never acted again! (But then again, who did in Street Fighter? Oh, snap!)



Speaking of Van Damme, there's a rule in movie fight sequences which I'll claim as my own: the Rule of Constant Punches (name pending). Let's say that each fight scene in a movie has a certain number of punches thrown (z), x is the number of bad guys in one fight, and y is the number of punches it takes to subdue a bad guy. The formula is x*y=z. So, the fewer bad guys there are, the more punches it takes to knock them out. This rule seems to apply mostly to Jean Claude Van Damme, even though he's got some badass moves. A great example of this rule in action is Nowhere to Run: he's fighting five guys in one scene and can't seem to kick them hard enough! Crimewave pushes this rule to an incredulous extreme: since there are only two bad guys, they take several punches and rather uncomical baseball bat hits to finally get rid of them. And that's not what even gets rid of them!

Apparently, Bruce Campbell was supposed to play the main guy, Vic Ajax, but ultimately he seemed more suited to the Heel part he eventually got. And in Hudsucker, wasn't he perfect as the womanizing reporter? Besides, doesn't it feel good to help out others sometimes? Even if their careers don't end up as well? Even if it is against your will, Bubba Ho-Tep? Guess they couldn't get William Atherton to play the romantic lead, but that part was wrong for him too. It is worth noting that Vic's philosophy on life and love which he slowly pieces together over the course of the film echoes the innocence of Norville Barnes, that man was not meant to live alone. Not that it necessarily excludes gay marriage, but that's for other films to explore.

What else? This is nothing to be ashamed of, boys. Ultimately, I can't imagine how this picture could've been salvaged without major reshoots to make it a little less cartoonish, but never mind. The only crime here is there's no digitally remastered print on DVD! With commentary from someone. Probably not the producers, they'd spend too much time talking about what they had to change. Also, it's the only acting the Coens have done together on screen. Worth it just for that. I think Raimi stamps the box with the Uruguay stamp, but I have no way to confirm that. Frances McDormand has a small part as a nun. Don't let it go to your head, guys. Three stars from me. :)

***
-so sayeth the Movie Review Hooligan (MRH)

Friday, October 26, 2007

Box Office Confidential: I was a Teenage Vampire President.

Close enough. Yes, it's time once again for the vampires to swoop down and help themselves to their rightful piece of the box office pie. And it's a big one this time! The #1 piece! 16 million pints of money in vials around Billy Bob's neck. In this latest incarnation it's called 30 Days of Night, and apparently Josh Hartnett's along for the ride! We've come a long way from the days of Wicker Park. Normally he'd be on the marquee, but the vampires are the star this time. Especially Danny Huston, with those black eyes and all. Pretty neat stuff. And once again, behind the bloodthirsty magic is that Spielberg in his own right, Sam Raimi. Oh is he able to pick those winning horses like The Grudge et al. All those B-List things while he gets to direct the A-List things. I'm still waiting for my Crimewave New Ajax Edition DVD, buddy!


At #2 it's Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married?, and it is still cleaning up, baby. It's going to be a good day at the next stockholders' meeting of the Tyler Perry Company. It's at this point where the Auteur has to decide when to take a vacation. Oh sure, you're booked till 2009, but c'mon now, even Spielberg took some time off once or twice! Of course, he started his own studio while on vacation, but I digress. In glancing over the Madea video collection, one title caught my eye: Madea Goes to Jail. You know who else went to jail? Ernest! Something to think about. Fortunately you've got a head start on the whole multiple character thing.

With the stench of the WWE far behind him, the Rock is still cooking with The Game Plan, or as it's known on the IMDb, The Rock's 2007 project. Would another Scorpion King entry be too untimely at this point? Anyway, Gridiron Gang 2 has the most money of the ten this week, with 69.2 million in the bank. Saw 4 is gonna make that its opening weekend! At this level of success, The Rock's gotta be thinking, Hell! I can direct one of these turds my own damn self. Go Fickman yourself, Rocky! Incidentally, title's too long, Fickman. Tell me something I don't know about J.Lo Hew. I mean, she's Liz, for Christ sake!

At #4 it's Michael Clayton. Now I happen to think that 2005 was a great year for Sir George Clooney with GN&GL and Syriana on the docket. But 2007's shaping up pretty good, too. Ocean's 13 did well, right? And this thing's doing gangbusters for a non-Ocean project. Plus we got Leatherheads coming up, but lamentably we have to wait til '08. So it's a great school year for Clooney, let's put it that way.

Rouning out the top 5 it's The Comebacks, the latest ZAZesque / Mad Magazine - esque movie to open poorly. Not your fault, Koechner. You da man! But you know how it is. Now you gotta become a director and a producer. Evolve or die. Can't play these goofy guys forever, right? Hey, if you can dodge a wrench...
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And now, the rest that don't deserve my attention. Hey, these entries take longer than you think, folks. Damn! How long have I been working on this? About two hours!!! At #6 it's Gone Baby Gone. Mixing the blues with kidnapping? The thrill is gone, baby. Well, that's how it works, folks. Casey Affleck of the new Rat Pack is the Out Front Contender for Best Actor Oscar 2007, and yet both of his films are tanking. And BAD! I'm still just wondering which Affleck parent he looks more like. Probably the mom.

At #7 it's We Own the Night. And a handful of pink slips, fool!

At #8 it's Blockbuster Entertainment's Best New Film of 2007, 1993's Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas. Must be a kick in IMAX, but that animation's a little too slick for me somehow. I know it's a classic and all, but give me a Simpsons Halloween any day of the week. Even the one about dolphins.

At #9 it's Rendition. Boy, Fox News must have told people to boycott this liberal garbage, and please watch more Bill O'Reilly, he's gotta be #1 again at some point, right? Makes me want to watch Larry King instead. Well, sort of.

And finally we get to #10, The Farrelly's new dress on the old gal, The Heartbreak Kid. Looks like the distributors aren't going to give you a Get Out of Jail Free card on this one, boys! More bodily fluids in the Stooges movie! Peace out.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Brought to you by Galeainip Alteiem MacDunelmor

Seriously! Google 'im. The H.L. Mencken of his day.
Well, it's that time of year once again for Madea to take over the Box Office and DOMINATE! Absolutely dominate. Well, not last year and not with Daddy's Little Girls. Let us never speak of it again. Let us instead focus on the brightly illuminated present, and the almost instantaneous arrival of The Tyler Perry Company's latest production called Why Did I Get Married? It beat what The Rock had cooking this week by almost 2 to 1. So when is the establishment gonna give this brutha some respect and let him make that $100 million Madea movie? He's got it in him somewhere, I'm sure!

Meanwhile, Spawn's thinking to himself: how did I get roped into this? From the commercials, he doesn't look happy to be there! In fact, Pointy Williams is going to make his own movie about his experiences working on Why Did I Get Married? It's going to be called How Did I Get Roped Into This? T(yler P)erry's gonna sue. Meanwhile, Chris Rock's shaking his head...


In other news, just yesterday there was a three-way tie for 2nd place! But there was a recount demanded, and now we have new numbers. The Game Plan slips to #2, and two newbies The Departed 2 and Intolerable Cruelty 2 come in at 3 and 4, while There's Something About Mary part 2 sinks like a stone to fifth place. Oh! An actual sequel at #6! It's Elizabeth: The Golden Age. ...and now, IMDb is acting up on me. The web page is turning into Jell-O but without tables, something like that, so every line gets its own line, see what I'm saying? So what was formerly on five pages takes up 20 pages.


And so we come to the 7-10 split: The Kingdom, Across the Universe, Resident Evil 3 and, finally, The Seeker. Which reminds me: speaking of video game adaptations, which Final Fantasy are we up to now? Twenty? And yet, only one 100 million dollar movie adaptation. So unfair.

Well, that's about all the damage I can do this week in this regard. Please let me know if I forgot anything. Over 'n out!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Auteur Watch: Farrelly Bros.

How could this have happened? After all the money pumped into advertising, the resurrecting of ELO's 'Don't Bring Me Down' just for the TV spots? Everything old is new again? The gross-out comedy of the year beaten by a FOOTBALL comedy? An old one, too! I mean, what is this world coming to? My own theory is there's another shift in demographics in America, perhaps the kind in the 80s who went to see all of Spielberg's PG-rated blockbusters, only this time it feels like not all of the magic is there anymore. Not that Fickman's not a good director or anything. Hmm! Maybe we should profile him next here at Auteur Watch. After all, good things happen to directors whose films are #1 at the box office twice in a row! Even twice non-consecutive weeks in a row, but that's kind of a rarity these days.

Yes, sadly at #2 it's the Farrelly's The Heartbreak Kid. Looks like America's just not willing to laugh anymore. Well, they can still call it the #1 R-rated comedy in America, or run the ads that taunt "If you're easily offended, don't see this movie." Still, it's #2 only by about 2 million dollars, just enough to overturn a Presidential veto. Perhaps a recount is in order, but who cares as long as The Three Stooges is still green-lit, right? Better find a way to put more bodily fluids into this other new adaptation, otherwise no one's going to see it at all.


As for the rest, there seems to be two new entries this week: The Seeker, or as it's more formally known, The Seeker: The Dark is Rising. Seriously, I couldn't find it on the IMDb without the full title before, but being on the top 10 makes it much easier to ind. It's the best film in the world since, oh, Stardust or Eragon.

The other newbie is Feel the Noise. Sadly, it's not that Quiet Riot biopic that... no one's waiting for. Or that celluloid contest entry from, say, Bring in 'Da Noise Bring in 'Da Funk, that a few more people might be waiting for. Or even Stomp for that matter. Sad to think that those groups still have to go to day jobs after the cultural impact they once made. So, 3:10 to Yuma has the most overall this week with 48.7 million. It's going to be a long Thanksgiving, dontcha think?

Monday, October 08, 2007

More Damn Clios

Clio-es? Anyway, it's time to examine more of that great short film festival in between the TV shows. Not that I've given it so much thought. Even though they don't get much air time, I still think those new Fruit of the Loom commercials are noteworthy. The latest one seems to be filmed backwards. How often are the old fashioned methods used in commercials these days? Then of course there's the axe wielding maniac with the six-pac of Bud Light that I and my close confidant like. ...can't think of any others right now. Oh yeah. I think the 'No Stank You' commercials are some of the best anti-smoking ads out there. Now they're taking on chewing tobacco! Keep up the good work, guys. Think about it, teenagers. I know smoking's cool and all, but you don't like going over to the house of your smoker friends, right? I mean, what's the point of wearing expensive perfume there? Cigarette smoke is the only perfume you'll ever need!

But my hands down winner for the Most Annoying Commercial Lately (MACL) is the Domino's Oreo dessert pizza commercial. I guess Rob Schneider was too busy, because somehow I picture the Alpha Dog in this one to be right up Deuce Bigalow's alley, so to speak. There's also the second version of the commercial where the Alpha Dog there says "Right on, Kevin. Right on." Someday there'll be a Blu-Ray Disc of commercials. Maybe the "Now That's what I call Music" people will tap into that market of people who want the inside scoop on all those annoying commercials that stick to the brain like proverbial bits of glass, but are tired of watching the tiny grainy version of it on YouTube. Are they long enough for a director commentary? For some, maybe. But mine is not the only craw that this commercial got stuck in: I think it was Bill Maher who talked about the billionaire who owns the Domino's Pizza franchise; apparently they're a Right-wing wingnut. See? Believing in Jesus really does work! Finally a practical religioun. My only question is, before I develop Type-O(reo) diabetes: How good can that dessert pizza be if half of it ends up on your face?

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Okay, Plan B... Plan B

Okay, this is it. 10:14am. I've got less than an hour to get this done. We'll see what comes first: my deadline, or the proverbial Changing of the Data. As it is, there aren't many new debuts here. At #1 it's the latest that the Rock's got cooking, and it would be Conan and the Football Player, indeed! Oh, that O'Brien has such good rapport with certain guests. Jim Carrey, for example; well, at least when the cameras are rolling. So what does the Rock have cooking this time? Orphan? Dame? It's an orphan, and this time he's not the coach in this new football scenario.* Guess he's finally shaken off the last remaining fragments of the WWE, just as Ice Cube finally shed all his street cred with XXX2: The Next Level... I mean, the Are We There Yet SERIES! I'm still waiting for the trilogy. I want someone to give me the 3-DVD pak for Xmas, dammit! Along with the anniversary version of the Friday trilogy.

At #2 it's The Kingdom. I don't know, I think Michael Mann's dumbing himself down slightly with this and the new Miami Vice movie. I mean, I'm sure it's still urbane and sophisticated and all that, but Colin Farrell's no Don Johnson. I never thought I'd hear myself type that! That's what I'm talking about! Anyway, I further contend that this is a slippery slope to more movies about Saudi Arabia, and the next thing you know they pull the plug on the American dollar along with China, and our economy's REALLY in the crapper. Death to solar power!


As for 3 to 10, it's just too depressing to contemplate. Speaking of which, 3:10 to Yuma has the largest take this week at 44 million total. See what I mean? No more Bourne 3. No more Superbad. Oh, tell me Rogen's got a Christmas movie coming out! (research) ...nah, guess we gotta wait til 2008. Pineapple Express? Sounds like a riff on The Polar Express, with a dash of Midnight Express thrown in; kinduva Defiant Ones, but with user and dealer chained together this time, both fighting against the real enemy. Just a thought!


Anywho, I want to give one last shout out to #10 this week, the not-abstract-enough Across The Universe, another tribute to the Beatles that has to do it without the benefit of their original music. Now I'm no expert on the biz, but I think it may be time for director Julie Taymor to take that sure-fire box office project next, and I know just the one. It's an obscure Joe Eszterhas script about Britney Spears. I know it's been floating around Hollywood a long time, but it's time to stand up and act like a director, dammit! Your career's on the line. Hire big! Get Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber, maybe Stephen Sondheim to musical-ify it. Maybe get Bill Condon to dust off the script a bit, get some of that Chicago magic. Ooh! You should of course expand the story to include the side-sagas of Christine Aguilera and Jessica Simpson. You could get Aguilera to play Jessica Simpson, and vice versa. You know, a new spin on the new cliché.


Okay, here's another idea...


* Hmm! Something vaguely sexual in that sentence, dontcha think?

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Short Reviews - September 2007

Walk Like a Man - Well, my job is done!

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves - Well, I finally figured out where the theme music for the Morgan Creek vanity logo comes from!
The Seeker - The other Golden Compass. But why is the hero wearing Freddy Krueger's sweater? Ooh ooh, does Ian McShane still get to swear up a storm? Or is it like Hot Rod? Did anyone else see Hot Rod?

The Darjeeling Limited - The magic is gone. The magic is so gone...

The NEW FARRELLY Heartbreak Kid - Welp, I guess Ben Stiller will sell the concept better than Charles Grodin did. Who knows? Anyway, it's a little more interesting than the more recent trend of the groom's best friend always pointing out "This is the last woman you'll ever sleep with for the rest of your life. Hope you know what you're getting into!..."

David Spade in the world's dirtiest film - Ah! All my dreams come true, thanks to Axe body spray... Or have they? I don't see it on the IMDb yet!

Rendition - Jarhead 2? The one explosion looked a little fake... The only real question is: when will the Right wing start attacking it?


And now, on to Roger Deakins ASC BSC...



In the Valley of Elah - I'm afraid this is going to get confused with No Country for Old Men, primarily because of Tommy Lee Jones and Josh Brolin. Guess we're just lucky Chigurh wasn't in both! Rog himself hasn't been this confused since 1994, what with Shawshank and Hudsucker... Hmm. There's a movie SAT question there someplace...

No Country For Old Men - NOW can the Coens have a #1 hit?

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Gone Baby Gone - Gotta like the title, anyway. We've come a long way from Missing. It's from the same writer of Mystic River, and is also about a missing girl. Yeah, I wanna go through THAT again!

I Am A Sex Addict - Every once in a while you get introduced to a new filmmaker that you've never heard of before, never had recommended to you before, or never even stumbled upon accidentally while perusing the giant IMDb family tree, swinging from branch to branch and studying the people and movies you respect the most, like Caveh Zahedi. Oh, he's good, but he makes Henry Jaglom look accomplished in comparison. Guess his whole life was building up to this one, though. That's gotta count for something, right?

Flock of Dodos - Nice to see the other side pushing back a little. The crucial scene for me was when the one councilman was using the Mt. Rushmore argument like a blunt instrument. Designer, human designer, designer, human designer... I've never seen such back and forth! Science doesn't work that way, all you right wingers. Unlike the existence of God, science relies on reproducible results, etc. Not hyperbole.


The Jane Austen Book Club - I'll see it for you, Bello, but you gotta look at me that way too!

Weirdsville - It had better live up to its title, that's all I gotta say, you hosers!

We Own the Night - Like Shooter, but Marky Mark'll get the Oscar for this one. Meanwhile, across town, Donnie's planning on seeing Saw 4!


Speaking of which, Saw 4... Well, it's about time for me to wrap up this blog entry, and I hope the makers of the whole Saw series do the same...