Friday, October 26, 2007

Box Office Confidential: I was a Teenage Vampire President.

Close enough. Yes, it's time once again for the vampires to swoop down and help themselves to their rightful piece of the box office pie. And it's a big one this time! The #1 piece! 16 million pints of money in vials around Billy Bob's neck. In this latest incarnation it's called 30 Days of Night, and apparently Josh Hartnett's along for the ride! We've come a long way from the days of Wicker Park. Normally he'd be on the marquee, but the vampires are the star this time. Especially Danny Huston, with those black eyes and all. Pretty neat stuff. And once again, behind the bloodthirsty magic is that Spielberg in his own right, Sam Raimi. Oh is he able to pick those winning horses like The Grudge et al. All those B-List things while he gets to direct the A-List things. I'm still waiting for my Crimewave New Ajax Edition DVD, buddy!

At #2 it's Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married?, and it is still cleaning up, baby. It's going to be a good day at the next stockholders' meeting of the Tyler Perry Company. It's at this point where the Auteur has to decide when to take a vacation. Oh sure, you're booked till 2009, but c'mon now, even Spielberg took some time off once or twice! Of course, he started his own studio while on vacation, but I digress. In glancing over the Madea video collection, one title caught my eye: Madea Goes to Jail. You know who else went to jail? Ernest! Something to think about. Fortunately you've got a head start on the whole multiple character thing.

With the stench of the WWE far behind him, the Rock is still cooking with The Game Plan, or as it's known on the IMDb, The Rock's 2007 project. Would another Scorpion King entry be too untimely at this point? Anyway, Gridiron Gang 2 has the most money of the ten this week, with 69.2 million in the bank. Saw 4 is gonna make that its opening weekend! At this level of success, The Rock's gotta be thinking, Hell! I can direct one of these turds my own damn self. Go Fickman yourself, Rocky! Incidentally, title's too long, Fickman. Tell me something I don't know about J.Lo Hew. I mean, she's Liz, for Christ sake!

At #4 it's Michael Clayton. Now I happen to think that 2005 was a great year for Sir George Clooney with GN&GL and Syriana on the docket. But 2007's shaping up pretty good, too. Ocean's 13 did well, right? And this thing's doing gangbusters for a non-Ocean project. Plus we got Leatherheads coming up, but lamentably we have to wait til '08. So it's a great school year for Clooney, let's put it that way.

Rouning out the top 5 it's The Comebacks, the latest ZAZesque / Mad Magazine - esque movie to open poorly. Not your fault, Koechner. You da man! But you know how it is. Now you gotta become a director and a producer. Evolve or die. Can't play these goofy guys forever, right? Hey, if you can dodge a wrench...
And now, the rest that don't deserve my attention. Hey, these entries take longer than you think, folks. Damn! How long have I been working on this? About two hours!!! At #6 it's Gone Baby Gone. Mixing the blues with kidnapping? The thrill is gone, baby. Well, that's how it works, folks. Casey Affleck of the new Rat Pack is the Out Front Contender for Best Actor Oscar 2007, and yet both of his films are tanking. And BAD! I'm still just wondering which Affleck parent he looks more like. Probably the mom.

At #7 it's We Own the Night. And a handful of pink slips, fool!

At #8 it's Blockbuster Entertainment's Best New Film of 2007, 1993's Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas. Must be a kick in IMAX, but that animation's a little too slick for me somehow. I know it's a classic and all, but give me a Simpsons Halloween any day of the week. Even the one about dolphins.

At #9 it's Rendition. Boy, Fox News must have told people to boycott this liberal garbage, and please watch more Bill O'Reilly, he's gotta be #1 again at some point, right? Makes me want to watch Larry King instead. Well, sort of.

And finally we get to #10, The Farrelly's new dress on the old gal, The Heartbreak Kid. Looks like the distributors aren't going to give you a Get Out of Jail Free card on this one, boys! More bodily fluids in the Stooges movie! Peace out.

No comments: