Somewhere, Todd Solondz is not smiling...

Why not? Let's do a review for once. It's been a while, and I've got a few half hours to spare, so better put it to good use before I forget how. I can feel it happening. We've got quite a backlog on the ol' docket, so why not purge a couple here. I've got quite a few with that ol' angry busybody, Christian Bale. Okay, so he's not exactly turning the other cheek, especially in that American Psycho... wow! What a performance. Another American job lost to a foreigner. Anyway, I've got The Dark Knight, Harsh Times, and this yet to get to. Man! To boost his public image, I think it's time for Bale to do a nice innocuous comedy once again. Something with a nice title like The Happiest Man in the World or It Feels So Great To Be Alive. You know what I'm sayin?
Anyway, back to the movie at hand. I mention Todd Solondz because apparently his Palindromes had a similar conceit. But I guess that's just too damn bad, because he didn't get something practical that he could've really used: the blessing of someone like, say, Steven Soderbergh. Sorry, Spike and David, but you know it's true. Yes, in case you have no sense of metaphor, I'm Not There is about the life of Bob Dylan, and his many public and private incarnations. Part Beatle, part Rolling Stone, part Marjoe Gortner, many MANY parts Woody Guthrie, part Traveling Wilbury, they're all pretty much here except for the Traveling Wilbury part. A living legend this ranging and diverse surely can't be portrayed by just one actor. Literally! And so it goes... there's just the six of 'em, I think. The man could write one hell of a lyric, I do give him that.
So at least one film in a long while bucks the ever-stronger superhero trend. But can it start the feature-length music video trend? Who knows. Now, my viewing companions openly complained about the film's long running time. And at two and a quarter hours, it is indeed Forrest Gump length and feels it. But I think I understand the filmmaking artistes of today. See, this is something the average viewer doesn't understand. All the hot hours, slaving over a hot Avid, cutting and pasting... does anybody besides Michael Kahn do it the old fashioned way any more? Some complained that the Richard Gere segment was superfluous... well, IS it? Is this what it's come to? Would we just snip years off a man's life, just because we found them distasteful or incongruous? Besides, how else is Bruce Greenwood supposed to not come off like a total prick? Actually, I guess Garrett was worse. And the reporter has his conversion on the Road to Damascus, so to speak. But I confess I did like that smirk he gave when revealing Bob's real name, heh heh. Yeah, Bruce Greenwood's all right. I liked him ever since Thick as Thieves and Thirteen Days. I know Double Jeopardy wasn't your fault, buddy; incidentally, that is a very informative movie. Be sure to watch it the next time you've got to get your car off a ferry in a big hurry. ¶ Incidentally, that part with the young black kid riding on the train... does O Brother Where Art Thou? ring a bell? Hel-looo? ...was I the only one? Okay, skip it.
I don't know what else to say. Cate Blanchett was good, of course. I guess she was Oscar good, I don't know. I'm certainly no expert on these things. Maybe people thought she did her own singing. I sure did! I just hope her blood feud with Tilda Swinton comes to a close at some point. Ultimately, it's not my cup of tea, but I'm not sorry I saw I'm Not There. It makes a fine addition to Bob Dylan's legacy. Now, that Victoria's Secret ad ... WTF, dude? As for director Todd Haynes, well, I'm assuming at this point he can write his own ticket. I know it's tempting, but Todd, PLEASE try not to do a feature-length version of Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story... unless you can bring it in under budget, of course.

***

-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Desmond Nakano

Oh, I hoped beyond hope that this one might be easy. Not quite. Well, we might as well get the Decade Theory part of it over with. Clearly, looking at Mr. Nakano's resumé, it is the 80s that must be his favourite decade. Okay, so he wasn't directing then, but he had his screenplay career ahead of him. He was hip, he was now, he was translating the beat of the street onto the silver screen of the campy 80s. Breakdancing! A pre-Die Hard Die Hard clone! And an Indie Title fave: Last Exit to Brooklyn. Well, you know how it is. The Accused is critically acclaimed, too, but I ain't goin' back to watch it!
But it was exactly these kind of '80s credentials that led to his big break... when Comet Quentin streaked through Hollywood and gave it to him. That would be 1995's White Man's Burden. Yes, before M. Night Shyamalan came to town and started doing feature-length Twilight Zone episodes in his own right, we had White Man's Burden: the only film before or since, for some reason, that dared to ask the question in its own inimitable fashion: what if it was the white people who were treated like blacks? Travolta was riding high and feeling invincible. Why, the cleft in his chin seemed bigger back then. And he took on the role of Louis Pinnock. The role that would win him the Academy Award once and for all... or am I thinking of Mad City? I already lost track. And so did Nakano's career, for that matter. Why, work would be harder to come by for him than for even Whit Stillman. But 2007 would be the Year of the... Nakano, and he'd get back to his American roots with ... American Pastime. Yes, with Tony Kayden acting as his screenplay parole officer, he would fall back on that old surefire title trick of having the word American in the title. Yes, just like American Pie, American Beauty, American Splendor, Proud American, American Movie, American Graffiti, More American Graffiti, American Quiet, American Psycho, American Pop, American Perfekt and American Me before him, he would add his own chapter to the American story, and get back on that treadmill known as the Directorial Fast-Track... okay, maybe in 2010, who knows. The economy's a little tight right now.

The Stoning of Sonia S.

Awright! I'm up to 2% of my 1 gigabyte image limit. About time! So, Sonia Sotomayor's big test begins, but I'm sure she can handle those snot-nosed PUNKS on the Legislative Committee. 'Specially that Jeff Sessions... what is this, HuffPo? What's happening to me? It's B.O. time, baby! And what a stinker at #1! Anybody who's anybody is going to give our man in Amsterdam Brüno a good rating! The Onion gives him a qualified B-... something like that. And even though the IMDb's only given it 5 votes, it's already got a 9.4 out of 10! Why, that'd be like a 94% over at Rotten Tomatoes! And Red Mountain, well, the only thing he ever hated was the 2002 reboot of Rollerball... which I think he reversed opinion on after seeing things the producers' collective way. I may be wrong about that. But Alistair Graham's done it again. Another foreigner takes the greatest prize of all: #1 at the American box office. It's all downhill from here, frankly. Will he do it for a second week like Borat? Not without SNL's help he's not. And they're on hiatus! It's not too late to do the Daily Show / Colbert Report complex. They're back this week, and if you get Colbert to tell his people to make it #1 for a second week... well, if THEY can't pull it off, no one can. Not even Tyler Perry.
I must be missing a snarky comment or two... nope, can't think of anything. And I guess the Ali G movie's already been made. Unless you want to make... the American version? No? Think about it. I gotta keep it short this week, so I'll save my snarky comments for the other debut this week: I Love You, Alice B. Toking on a Brownie. No, that's not it. I love you, J.R.R. Tolkien and the Silmarillion... Damn it! My typing's been falling to pieces exponentially. Gotta write things on paper again, like in the olden days. No, it's the latest from 1492 Pictures' own Chris Columbus. And it's called, I Love You, Beth Cooper! (applause) Fox Atomic? Oh, please. How many subdivisions can Fox really nurture? Besides, I thought they did horror pics. Well, in a way... oh, no he di'int!
And with that in mind, let me turn my wrath NOT to the Home Alone director's latest, but rather... to all those HATERS out there who be raggin' on this movie! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, Ebert and The Onion and the Two Bens, and all the other hipsters just jumping on the We Hate You, Beth Cooper bandwagon. Oh, the movie's too this. Oh, the movie's too that. The characters are too stereotypical. The actions are too... dumb. That may be true. But you just don't understand! This is about Chris Columbus reclaiming his lost childhood! While you and I were covering up the barf in our sandboxes, Chris was at his typewriter. Furiously typing out what would later become Gremlins! And Goonies! All those Great movies starting with 'G'. It's about a simpler time when bullies were bullies, and nerds were nerds, and never the twain shall meet. It's about Stephen King-level clarity. You know who's bad and who's good, and you can still get a good story out of it. Anyone remember Stand by Me? Well, what's that all of a sudden? Chopped liver? Can't all you jaded sophisticates out there suspend your disbelief for just one second? Didn't you ever pine for the girl in high school? Didn't you ever lust in your heart for something you just couldn't have? Or even, for something that even if you ever did get a hold of it, you still wouldn't know what to do with? Was not your high school experience as awkward and full of bumps as this? Was not everyone's? At the very least, DOES THIS FILM NOT TELL A STORY?
On the other hand, where does this fit in Columbus' legacy, as he put it in the The Directors special about him? Does this fall somewhere between Rent and Christmas at the Kranks... wait a second. He had something, ANYTHING AT ALL to do with CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS? As they so often say over at Mad Magazine, YEEEEECCCCCHHHHHHH!!!!!! I owe you an apology, Ebert, the Onion and the two Bens. You were all right. And correct, too.

Auteur Watch - George Miller(s)

When you get right down to it, it seems like there's a George Miller in every profession, really. There's one in politics. There was one in stand-up comedy. In the world of big time movie directors, though, there's two big ones. There's a third small one which we'll just skip completely. There's the first one who won an Oscar for a film about penguins, and there's the other one with titles under his belt such as The Man from Snowy River, Zeus and Roxanne, and Les Patterson Saves the World. And the Snowy River George Miller's worked twice as hard as the penguin George Miller lo these many years, and done television, too! For God's sake! So how unfair is that? One George Miller's been working his ass off longer and harder than just about anyone in this biz, and yet, some young punk kid ALSO named George Miller, he has one film called Mad Max, and suddenly HE'S the one to remember? What, doesn't the DGA have any cojones like the SAG? Couldn't they force one to change their name, or at least adopt a pretentious initial? Life's just unfair.
But that's how it works in the big leagues, folks. Sometimes it's better to be a little picky and choosy with your projects. For example, the Snowy River George Miller, he did a film with Steve Guttenberg. Bad career move. Seems to be the final straw that broke the silver screen's back. So, Snowy River George Miller: what's his favorite career decade? Is it the more innocent 1970s, when he was just starting out, lean and hungry, doing TV exclusively? Or was it the 80s when his star was on the rise, and in addition to all the TV work, there was some theatrical releases as well? Maybe it's the 90s, where the American theatrical releases were at their peak, and things looked like they would go on forever until... well, until the theatrical stuff started losing traction, and then it was back to TV exclusively. Why, he couldn't even sell Robinson Crusoe, for God's sake! How hard is that?
Ironically enough, both George Millers took a break in the 2000s to reflect on their career, and where to go from their respective stopping points. Now, the Mad Max George Miller... what could be his favorite decade? Surely it's the 70s. He was lean and hungry, and working with Mel Gibson before he went crazy. Work was slow, but hey. Some people start slow but end up taking the whole planet by storm. Or maybe it was the decadent 80s? They were surely decadent for him. It took him a while to escape the allure of Mad Max sequels, but the Spielbergian lessons clearly rubbed off by the more kid-friendly third installment. After the success of Witches of Eastwick, things began to slow down, and he took it easy during the 90s. He turned to producing, producing the megahit Babe. Confident from the success, he took it upon himself to do the sequel. Not received as well, unfortunately! Mainly because they switched voices. Rule number one: never switch pig voices in midstream. Dexter's Laboratory did a fine job, give her the bigger paycheck, you shmuck! Alas, it was too late, and he would never direct again...
...until 2006, that is! The surprise Oscar winner for best animated feature, Happy Feet! Beating out those bastards over at Pixar, the story of animated penguins couldn't have come at a better time. Apparently, he even directed the HBO special about it, he was feeling so good! He caught the Penguin wave just in time; Surf's Up just crashed and burned, dude.
--
So, what are the respective George Millers up to right now? Well, the lame one's doing something called Fiji. Hmm. Must be a James Michener thing. I'm too cheap to subscribe to IMDbPro, but trust me: it'll probably suck. And it'll probably be hard to find, too. As for the alpha one, it's sequels, sequels, sequels! Mad Max 4 is back on track... maybe they find a discarded jumbo jet this time and Rockatansky uses it as a decoy. Wouldn't that be something? Being chased down a lone backroad through the outback by a ragtag bunch of gas hooligans driving souped-up junk heaps? Now that's what I call hybrids! They blow out the tires of this jumbo jet with little tiny crossbows, find the tank's full of sand, drive off in disgust... He's also got Happy Feet 2 where the Dubya-esque penguin gets impeached. Miller's also entering Wolfgang Peterson-territory with Homer's The Odyssey with Brad Pitt. And who knows? Maybe Matt Damon and George Clooney will have show-stopping cameos as Scylla and Charibdes? I gotta go...

The mouths have it...

This is how bad my typing/spelling has gotten since I've been web exclusive for so long... could it be 'mouthes'? According to Google/Yahoo, 'mouthes' gets 284,000 hits. 'Mouths' gets 45 million, 500 thousand... so numberically, it must be right. Anyway, this is what I get for procrastinating, so let's get this week's Box Office report over with.
Well, no surprise to me: Transformers 2 wins the second recount. The first recount had it just barely beat out for first place by Ice Age 3, one of this week's debuts. Now, Michael Bay might let this slide if it was one of his crappy horror movie productions like Texas Chainsaw Massacre 20 or Friday the 13th part 12... but not one of his babies. Not Transformers 2. He didn't spend two years of his life on this turkey to have it just barely beat out by Ice Age 3 the second week of release. No, sir. Not on his watch.
Meanwhile, the other debut this week, Michael Mann's latest direct-to-digital-video theatrical release, Public Enemies, debuts at #3. And so far, it looks like it's trying to avoid the soundtrack selections of O Brother Where Are Thou... for once.
Not much else to report. Proposal's almost at 100 million, Hangover over 200 million. Looks like My Sister's Keeper's going on life support. And I gotta go, too. But before I do, check out all the chiseled hunks of beef at its premiere! Looks like Jason Patric and Chris Kattan are charter members of the Chin of the Month Club! Too much...

Short Reviews - June 2009

Man! I got nothin' this month! Shame on me.

Whatever Works - Tamest episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm ever.

The Hangover - They should've called it "Ed Helms's Missing Tooth: The Motion Picture."

Up - If you don't like this movie, you're not human.

Eddie Murphy in 'Imagine That' - First of all, there's only ONE Imagine That with Hank Azaria.. all TWO episodes of it! Second, this better not be directed by Brian Robbins...
nope, but... oh, Ed Solomon. Is work really that sparse these days?

Bubble Boy and Donnie Darko - Two movies from 2001, both with Jake Gyllenhaal. Both cult classics. What else can me say? He's got the magic touch!

Away We Go - My God! Mendes pumps out a new film prematurely! He didn't wait three years after Revolutionary Road, in other words. It just can't be good.

Land of the Lost - This is just Jurassic Park with Will Ferrell in it, right?

Donnie Darko - Let me just say this about Donnie Darko, and this is addressed to those of you negative types out there who can't say anything nice about a movie. Sure, it's like a Twilight Zone on acid, sure the cinematography's damn moody and stand-offish, and sure, we're all not ready for an 80s flashback just yet, but this is how I know Richard Kelly is a damn DIRECTOR. And, an actor's director to boot. Did you see the look on Maggie Gyllenhaal's face at the end? I don't know what the director did, but that's how I know he's a damn DIRECTOR.

Southland Tales - Still haven't seen it yet.

Purple Violets - Who knew? Edward Burns has finally slipped into almost complete obscurity. Maybe Redford finally got tired of losing money on Burns' films. Maybe he could hook up with Jean Doumanian instead.

G-Force - The Caddyshack gopher's kids finally get a picture...

Punchline - From the writer of The Omen comes a movie about stand-up comedy... makes perfect sense.

The Clearing - Sequel to Spy Game, with Redford reprising his role, and with Willem Dafoe as William H. Macy.

Ice Age 3: Dinosaurs - Dinosaurs? I thought they lived before the Ice Age... oh, skip it. Why question it. The series will be much better now, that's the main thing.

Alex & Emma - So, is Rob Reiner's name in this supposed to be a German anagram of "wishcrafter"?

Mad Dog Time - Oh, Rob Reiner. Didja really need to do this cameo?

Cheri - Oh, Michelle Pfeiffer. Don't tease me like that!

The Hurt Locker - From the director of Point Break and Strange Days comes a serious war movie. I miss Bodhi.

My Sister's Keeper - Another film from Nick Cassavetes, but somehow I feel like Donald Petrie could've handled this one.

Auteur Watch - Les Mayfield

You know, there are many paths to becoming a great film director. You could start out as a great editor like Stuart Baird. Or you could start out as a great cinematographer like Andrezj Bartkowiak. Or start out as a great choreographer like Jeffrey Hornaday. Or a great hairdresser like Paul Abascal. There's many, many more examples, I'm sure. The only other one I can think of right now is Bo Welch, who started out as a great production designer. Those are the big ones that get studied in film school. But for those of you whom fate has not yet smiled down upon, you might want to hedge your bets and be a jack-of-all-trades. That's sort of what Les Mayfield did, our auteur of the week. But not no more! Why, just look at that handsome guy, all confident and smiling. He's thinking to himself, "Sorry, guys! I'd love to stay and answer your questions, but I've got a premiere to get to!"

I've seen the name before, but after watching 1984's Making Of documentary about the film 2010, I'll be damned if I can't get it out of my head! The director of a Making Of documentary about a real film? Well, you gotta start somewhere. And frankly, that's the kind of wise-ass comment a non-believing naysayer would make, but we'll change your mind. Okay, so it's not quite directing actors in a potentially Oscar-worthy performance, but you do get to ask actors questions... or maybe that's someone else's job, too. But Les Mayfield is a uniquely talented man and, with a little bit of luck, he was able to spin those credentials into his first directing gig, 1992's Encino Man. With his producing partner George Zaloom, another name from the aforementioned 2010 documentary, they crafted the script that would launch Brendan Fraser and Pauly Shore into the stratosphere. But unfortunately or fortunately for Les, Pauly's not one of these one-director-only primadonnas. If you read the credits carefully on that Costco 5-DVD Pauly Shore Fun Pack you bought your kids for their birthday, you'll notice that Pauly's five biggest films each had different directors. And so, Les had to move on to riskier projects, but the gambit paid off. In 1994 he ended up under the wing of mega-titan John Hughes and he became the new Chris Columbus with 1994's remake of Miracle on 34th Street. And while it didn't make enough to warrant a sequel, he did team up with Hughes for 1997's Flubber. But alas, if there's one thing Mayfield knows about this business, he knows when it's time to move on. And move on from the downward trending John Hughes he did to the upward trending Martin Lawrence for 1999's Blue Streak. A bittersweet end to that apocalyptic decade known as the 90s, which surely is his favorite decade of his directorial career, when he was just starting out (as a director), lean and hungry and eager for work.

And then, on to the decadent 2000s. Not quite as busy, and he was able to be a little pickier and choosier with his projects, such as 2001's American Outlaws. I haven't seen it, but I imagine it has hilarious outtakes at the end, just like 2007's Code Name: The Cleaner. You see, Les knows how to play the game, and he's not afraid to destroy that delicate illusion a film can leave behind after it's over. Sometimes you just gotta bring the viewing public back down to earth with hilarious outtakes during the ending credits. You know, for legal reasons. But every once in a while an opportunity comes along where you can help a guy out. In 2005, he tried to resurrect Eugene Levy's leading man status with The Man. Sure, Levy's gotten plenty of juicy supporting roles over the years, such as the long suffering dad of the American Pie series, but once upon a time in 1986 he was bitten by the leading man bug with that year's Armed and Dangerous. I think it's fallout from the success of Splash. And once you've had that chance to be the next Tom Hanks, you can't help but wonder for the rest of your life afterwards... could it ever happen again? Sometimes you just gotta roll the dice, for cryin' out loud.

Now, for those of you who aren't devotees of the IMDb, there's a new feature where they try to lure you into the pay version of the site by showing you what they call "In Development Credits," where you get the inside scoop on all that stuff that only Variety seems to know about. So what does the future hold for Les Mayfield? Well, they don't say. But that's the kind of guy Les is. He's playing it cool. He's thinkin' legacy, he's thinkin' Lifetime Achievement Oscar, but he's playing it cool. He doesn't need to put what he's up to out there for everyone to see, like Steven Spielberg or (one of the 300 producers of Code Name: The Cleaner) Brett Ratner, no. He could be up to just about anything, like a remake of Matewan, or maybe a documentary about the upcoming Tintin films. You know, just getting back to his roots. Not because he has to, but because he WANTS to. Perhaps find the next Les Mayfield out there, mentor him or her, and try to help him or her not to make the same mistakes along the way, which as we all know completes the circle of success in Hollywood, as in life. Keep on keepin' on, Les Mayfield. We'll be keepin' an eye out for ya, big guy.

Premature 4th of July box office...

Might as well take care of this now. It's much harder for me to eat and play video games at the same time. Might as well keep this B.O. report short 'n sweet. We got three debuts this week. We got Nick Cassevetes' latest tearjerker called My Sister's Keeper. Oh, Cameron Diaz. We're about the same age now! Everyone's not quite turning 40, but close enough. Just don't do like Edie Adams and get lots of elective surgery... I'm assuming that's what happened to her. And she died last year! Well, heaven's a little brighter. Boy, what a rough week of celebrity deaths. And in honor of the latest celebrity... well, quasi-celebrity-spokesceleb death, Billy Mays, I'M GOING TO DO THE REST OF THE BLOG IN ALL-CAPS. IT REALLY WORKS! BOYCOTT THE SLAP CHOP! BOYCOTT THE SLAP CHOP! BOYCOTT THE SLAP CHOP!
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE... Man, that's exhausting. I don't know how Mays could do it. The second debut this week is Away We Go. And ironically enough, it's debuting at #10. Why, they spent a mint to promote the damn thing! And it had those cool animated letters and everything. They look homemade even though they're probably CGI. And the one shot of the car on the hill? What more do you people want? Just think of it as one of those commercials where the long suffering wife puts up with her idiot husband... only padded out to 90 minutes. Personally, I blame Spielberg for this one. Why, it seems like only 10 years ago when he was helping out director Sam Mendes with his DreamWorks debut hit American Beauty. But it was a different time. The edifice of the suburban family was primed and ready to fall, a ripe target for satire indeed. And now, ten years later, we got a couple looking for a city to move to. How's THAT premise supposed to catch fire? No, once upon a time DreamWorks was the champion of the little guy and the medium-budget picture.
Flash forward to today, and DreamWorks isn't even a studio anymore! Right? And yet they crank out big budget behemoths like Michael Bay's last two pictures: The Island and Transformers 1. What about the little guy? Where's HE supposed to go for a green light? No, the little guy's just gonna have to wait, because it's big budget blockbuster politics all over again, and a Spielberg production once again comes along and clubs the competition like a whole litter of baby seals. Or is it a pride? Somebody look that up for me, and post it here, huh? Anyway, it seems that Michael Bay has drained the Transformers of all its Spielbergian E.T. / Close Encounters / Amazing Stories influences and gone back to what he does best: films with military vehicles, military personnel, Maxim-sponsored women, and explosions, explosions, explosions. Say what you will about the guy, he's not going to put anything in his movie that's not cool! Not a chance! Even the nerds aren't REAL nerds. They're movie nerds. A true computer hacker nerd is not going to be dragged in front of the Secretary of Defense and say to his fellow hacker nerds, "I feel so under-dressed!" That dude's gonna get hacked! Of course, that was from the first one. It's a different world now. I don't know how the realm of the Transformers has been expanded this go-round... except maybe for robots that call Megan Fox a "bitch"? Did I hear that right from the clip I saw online? ..you mean, Megan Fox isn't one of the Transformers? Oh, shame on me! You know, say what you will, all you jealous critics out there, but I'm gonna just put this out there for all to consider: I think Megan Fox is the front runner for the Best Actress Oscar. You watch. She'll get the SAG Award and the Golden Globe first, of course. I mean, she's gotta pretend to be in love with Shia LaBeouf! Who wouldn't deserve the Oscar for that? I hate to badmouth Shia. He's an okay actor and all, but I mean, c'mon! He's no Zac Efron here. For a Michael Bay movie, does not each gender have to put their best and brightest forward? I guess the rule is: when it's a guy movie, the girl has to be the best. When it's a chick flick, the dude has to be Zac Efron quality. The only example I can pull off the skin of my teeth at this moment is Tyler Perry's How Stella Got Her Groove Back. Of course, that's a bad example, because let's face it: Angela Bassett and Taye Diggs STILL put whitey to shame. How about She's All That? See, the rules have evolved since the 90s and the dawn of the internet revolution. The rule now is: the guy can look like a hunk of shredded beef, and the girl has to be endorsed by Maxim magazine. If not #1 on their hot 100 list, at least in their Top 5 or 10. Playboy bunnies aren't cutting it these days. Sorry, but it's true. They aren't exactly synonymous with action pictures. All that running and jumping and other assorted physical exertion. Outrunning explosions, no. These are the things they must be protected from.
The other meme floating around out there concerning Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen is that it's the biggest motion picture out there... something like that. And being a serious hardcore budget fetishist over here, I'm all, um, Spider Man 3 cost like, a zillion dollars more? Okay, just 58 million more, but still more! Of course, Tr2 is a little more headache-inducing than SM3, but for different reasons. Mostly the choppy editing. Mostly that no scene in a Michael Bay pic is allowed to last longer than 1.5 seconds. Was anyone else reminded of Armageddon, incidentally? What with all those... I can only assume they were Transformers, entering the atmosphere all burning up and sh... stuff? Now he's ripping himself off! Go figure.
Okay, that's about all I got on this batch. Oh yeah, other big budget movies. Titanic was 200 million dollars. And that's 1997 dollars! The Lord of the Rings trilogy: 300 million dollars! Indiana Jones 4? 185 million! So not worth it. Makes Howard the Duck look like a wise investment. On the other end of the spectrum, who can forget Zyzzyx Road and its 30 dollar take at the box office? Oh, snap! No wonder Sizemore ended up in prison! Who wouldn't over that?

Auteur Watch - Jennifer Chambers Lynch

From the director of Boxing Helena comes... you know what? I think I'll stop right there.

Proposal does Decently...

My god! Has it been about sixteen years? Oh, that reference not only dates me, it's so old it CARBON dates me.
Well, David Carradine passed away recently... that's what I get for not taking care of this at the beginning of the week. There's been a veritable spree of celebrity deaths this week, but no one tops the King, who died because of all the lawsuits in the world. But the one I'm going to focus in on is Carradine. You might remember him as Bill of the Kill Bill franchise, or as Kane from Kung Fu in a close second, but I remember him most fondly as ... let me scan his IMDb resumé for the most obscure thing I can find... as Man Playing Dice in 1987's Heartbeat, that's right. Now, there's been a lot of ugly, scurrilous rumours about how he died, but just like Steve Guttenberg coming to Phil Hartman's defense at the moment when he least needed it, I don't want to hear anything more in the mainstream press about the dubious circumstances surrounding his departure from the planet. But I will say it might have had something to do with this picture of him in this year's Crank: High Voltage. I mean, check out the (false?) teeth and beard! WTF, dude? Even Quentin wouldn't do that to the screen legend.

Anyway, on to more pressing matters. Am I giving too much away by telling you it's my birthday this week? Did you get me a nice present? I hope not, because frankly, I can't think of anything nicer than Sondra Bullock's latest comedy, The Proposal, debuting at #1 this week. And frankly, she probably couldn't, either! She would never admit it publicly, of course, but she NEEDED this badly. I mean, producing the George Lopez show is nice and all, but that's just a day job. She's not going to do that forever... it's cancelled? Oops! Awkward... Anyway, it's the story of ... ah, who cares. All I know is, it's my life on the screen all over again. Girls are always asking me to pose as their boyfriend for one crazy reason or another. What I want to know is, for a 45-year old Sandra Bullock, isn't this technically a cougar attack? Or do we still give her a pass on that, due to the many ugly connotations of that phrse? And how is Van Wilder gonna get out of this one? Will he ever have a normal love life ever again?

Ambling quickly on to #2 is what comes after the proposal... and after the subsequent bachelor party. It's still The Hangover, still making Pixar's Up its bitch. I know these kinds of movies come along once in a lifetime, but if it makes 300 million domestic, sequel please? Just remember, Ed and Zach, Bradley Cooper's the boss here, being the most handsome of the three of you. He's still waiting on that Wedding Crashers sequel, and you'll wait on him, because that's how it works. It's all part of the grand hierarchy of show business. This just in: Ed Helms' tooth just signed a three picture deal with Fox Searchlight.

Up drops to #3. Guess you shoulda brought more balloons, fella! Seriously, though, Pixar, why so coy with the budget information? All the others gave it up! You couldn't have cost more than Wall-E, could you?

At #4, Year One makes 20 million dollars. A little less than Nacho Libre, but still too much for my taste. I still don't know why, but I still hope it bombs. So far it's right on track. Not as badly as Imagine That, but hey. Can't always get what you wish for. And rounding out the top 5, it's Pelham 123. It's John Travolta reliving his Broken Arrow-Face Off days, and Denzel... reprising Inside Man? As Donald Rumsfeld might say, you tell me!
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As for the rest, no debuts, so who cares. For those interested, Star Trek stays at #7, same as last week. Thank the new Spock for such constancy. As for Will Ferrell and Eddie Murphy, they'll work again, of course. But The Daily Show is still the hot new movie springboard in town, as you can see from The Hangover's success. Or maybe just Comedy Central in general. Who knew. For an all-comedy channel there's not a lot of laughs.

Well, that's about it for this week's box office. I assume Transformers 2 is already breaking box-office records, but we'll get into that soon enough. Over 'n out.