Friday, August 04, 2006

They Premiere it up in Telluride, I mean it's Here to Stay...,

Which can only mean one thing, it's time to examine with a magnifying glass this delicate butterfly known as the Week's Box Office Tally before we pin it by its wings to the particle board behind the glass case. Unfortunately, I'm on the run again and gotta keep things short, say, one quip per movie.
Well! As an illustration of how contentious this battle to be in the top 10 is, in a stunning reversal, Clerks 2 was bumped down to #11 (or lower) by My Super Ex-Girlfriend. I've got no comments on MSEG except to say that apparently people aren't ready to accept Uma Thurman in a non-Kill Bill role yet. Here's hoping the TV show version of it doesn't fall through. You go, girl!
Anyway, back to Clerks 2. Even Jesus himself couldn't keep it on the Top 10. So when is Kevin Smith going to go on a drunken rampage, calling his fanbase a bunch of damn cheapskates? ...or was that Crazy Mel Gibson? And does this really have any bearing at all on my life? Anyway, you may have seen in the TV spots for Clerks 2, Jay of Jay and Silent Bob fame says to the new super-downsized Ethan Suplee (on loan from the cast of My Name is Earl), "You know, Jesus was a Jew!" This is of course a fact that many Christians have to come to terms with, which manifests itself in a veritable rainbow of religious behavior. Me, myself, I'm part of an extra-hardcore Christian sect that believes that, after God resurrected Jesus, God sent Jesus to a special DNA-changing facility. They had those back then, you know, and Jesus had any and all traces of his Jewishness removed, and this was done so that the likes of James Dobson wouldn't be offended. I mean, even God wouldn't like James Dobson when he's mad!
As for the rest of the box office, numbers 9 to 4 are really just a sad reminder of what an anemic summer it's shaping up to be. Dupree beats Little Man? See what I mean? At least Prada got past 100 million, and no one knows how. I'm keeping my fingers crossed: Princess Diaries 3! I think I said that already, but does it not bear repeating?
10 years into the Pixar revolution, and watch out, Barnyard! Look at the CGI entries here: Monster House and Ant Bully. Don't count your stock options before they hatch, guys!

One of the major film critics said that John Tucker of John Tucker must die is a budding psychopath. Why? Just because he's dating the three hottest girls in high school? Is he not living Utah's dream? You should see how he's doing at the other high schools in the district! But I don't mean to give away the sequel so soon. The fact is, as a nation are we not looking for our own John Tucker to love, to hate, the fulcrum on which all our emotions must be hung, that John Tucker who will lead us out of the moral quandries we find ourselves in? He is old enough to serve in Iraq if my intuition doesn't lead me astray. But even the Green Zone isn't safe anymore. I didn't see it on TV. Damn liberal media!

As for the New and Improved Miami Vice, my close friend and I agree, I think they were expecting better numbers. Should've had Tom Cruise as the white one. Either that, or actually use the Colin Farrell sex tape in the movie. Or have Don Johnson in a cameo role where he rolls his eyes and says "Ah, been there, done that. Come back to me, Melanie!" As for PTC2, what can you say? Careers are secure at this point. Verbinski even more secure than Chris Columbus, I would imagine! Think about your legacy, Gore! Don't do Weather Man 2, for God's sake! As for me, I want to see an old timey box office battle like True Lies and Forrest Gump back in '94, each taking respective turns at #1 in a constant battle for dominance! Fight the gradual slide! C'mon!
Well, that's about all the damage I can do. Time for another break. Gonna miss me? :)

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