You've received a B.O. card from Harry Potter!

I should've known. The cutting edge of spam. ...Ah, good! It's still relevant Yahoo! news. The town of Brattleboro, VT is planning on stomping out its ancient traditions of public nudity like a cigarette butt. That's Brattleboro, VT, or as Norm likes to call it, Nazi Germany. The timing couldn't be more unfortunate, seeing as how the town of Springfield, VT has been selected as the official home of the world premiere of the Simpsons movie, featuring a buff Bart Simpson skateboarding downtown. And they say it's only going to make 112 million. Hah! I'll bet they're working on a sequel already: the Simpsons are evicted, move into Otto's school bus, and drive across the country entering in karaoke contests, til they finally get to the World Karaoke Championships in Branson, Missouri. Guest voices will include Wayne Newton... and that's it for the sequel. Wayne insisted that it be in the contract that he's the only guest voice. Hey, Grendel gets what Weldon wants.

Which brings us to this week's big weiner, Harry Potter 5! And while Mr. Equus himself only gets half of Tom Cruise's WOW paycheck, a paltry 50 million, the other stars are up to big things too. Rupert Grint's doing his version of Little Miss Sunshine, and who isn't drooling over Emma Watson, am I right? Next stop, the cover of FHM Magazine! As for J.K. herself, well, the next book will be about a successful novelist, but with a twist: in this novel their initials are K.J.!

Transformers slips to #2, but is still doing quite well. It's almost recouped its catering costs! And more importantly, the latest cover of Psychology Today asks the all-too timely question: "Are you an Autobot or a Decepticon?" And normally I wouldn't say it, but Shia's character name is freaking me out as it's dangerously close to my own name! That, and Colin Farrell from Minority Report. Sorry, but I don't see these things too often.

Boy, I tell ya, the web is a dangerous place. If you don't keep your head, you end up going off on wild tangents like reading about Posh Spice and that new Geico Cavemen TV show. Which is why I'm glad to get back to #3, Ratatouille, the biggest inter-species buddy movie since Clint worked with that orangutan. Only at #52 in the Top 250? Brad must be disappointed.

Die Hard 4 is at ... what else? #4! And, as if you needed further evidence of the re-Christ-ification of America, the tagline of the movie apparently includes the phrase "John 6:27", in honor of its release date. A little less God-y than, say, John 3:16. Incidentally, the text of John 6:27 is "Do not labor for the food which perishes, but for the food which endures to everlasting life, which the Son of Man will give you, because God the Father has set His seal on Him.” " Which was also the rules that the caterers had to follow. Bruce gets a little picky sometimes, but that's how it is when you're a big star. There's gotta be rules!

And rounding out the top 5 as they like to say on the news, it's License to Wed. Maybe I haven't been watching closely enough, but Mandy's been keeping a low profile. She's obviously got a bad agent. If I were her agent, I'd tell her! You gotta go extra-curricular to publicize a movie like this. Publicity stunts! That's what sells pictures. Just ask Don Swayze!

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And now to the dregs. #6 brings us 1408, still going strong for a month. Why the staying power? Well, I attribute it to the geniuses behind the scenes. There's genius on the screen, of course, with Cusack and Jackson finally together on screen after so many movies they were almost in together, but the screenwriting! That's where the magic happened on this one. Those Golden Globe-winning wordsmiths of note, Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski, who went from problem children to rejuvenating the biopic as we now know it (biopics of problem children, if you will) , have stumbled a little in these 2000s here, but they've learned from the mistakes of the past and have been born anew amidst the adversity and the slings and arrows, metaphorical and physical. You know, Lowell and Babaloo, you could take a page from these guys!

At #7 it's Evan Almighty. You know, it's the rare sequel without the Roman numeral. But let's face it, America. Hollywood is looking to the rest of the world for the real money. This is the #1 movie in Antarctica right now. India has embraced E.A. like gangbusters. In fact, it's been re-cut for India so it's more like the end credits. China is gearing up big time, filling our dollar stores with plastic arks and plastic animal playsets. You get the idea. And that's why talks are already underway for the third chapter in this story: God Almighty, about Morgan Freeman climbing Mount Olympus, on his way to the big Karaoke championship. This is for the coveted Mr. Karaoke Universe title, and I think I know who will be the Mrs.!

Well, the honeymoon's just about over for Knocked Up. It's done better than anyone hoped, of course. Still, it's not Wedding Crashers numbers. But it did cost a little less to make. Hmm! Too many variables to juggle. Better re-install Microsoft Excel here. Scuse me a second...

Sicko is still boffo at #9. Of course, it's not on 10,000 screens this time; otherwise it'd probably be doing better. But the main thing is that Congress is now re-thinking its doing nothing on health care. Meantime, I've got my new DGS Health Plan, which stands for: Don't Get Sick!

And finally, O13 rounds out the top 10. Seems like only yesterday it was out. What's it been, six weeks? Hard to say if its success justifies a fourth installment, but of course that's not a factor these days. Hey! Maybe they can somehow combine Pirates 4 and Ocean's 14: make Johnny Depp the 14th member of the Ocean gang. After all, AvP2 is coming out soon. Who doesn't like the latest fresh bandwagon, even the jaded Hollywood jetset?

Well, that's about all the damage I can do this week. Tune in next week! Peace out...

Auteur Watch: Coen Bros.

This just in! Official website! See the trailer, spoil the movie.
So, what're my boys up to? That modern day Powell / Pressburger? The other Ivory Merchants? With just a dash of Jhabvala thrown in for good measure? Currently as us U.S. chumps eagerly await the arrival of No Country for Old Men ... I'm not the only one, am I? Anyway, they're starting their next decade of films with Burn After Reading, starting in August after a short break so they can catch up on their summer blockbusters. Dang! Buscemi's not in Transformers. That's loyalty for ya. But he is in Chuck & Buck ... I mean, Chuck & Larry, aka Sandler's 2007 project. They could probably work that in before principal photography starts! Speaking of which, I can't think of any bigger news than the split of Deakins from Mike Zoss. ...WTF! The Domain Name Nazis have snapped up mikezoss.com! Those bastids. Well, there is good money in it after all, innit? Anyway, Deakins is chillin' for a while, but Emmanuel Lubezki's stepping in in the meantime. Not too shabby, but I would've gone for John Toll myself. At least he's got Oscars already. Oh, snap! Besides, why didn't you use Lubezki on NCFOM when he would've been appropriate? Or is that an appropriate observation? Anyhow, Deakins is working on In The Valley of Elah. That's one of those titles that just SOUNDS like an Oscar winner! Maybe that'll be the one, Rog. 5 Oscar noms! You won't be the Susan Lucci of the ASC forever! Or the BSC, for that matter.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. There was a thing on IFC of the big Cannes press conference, and I've got a beef with that foreign press, and I think Ethan does as well if I'm not mistaken! One of the reporters said to my boys that NCFOM is their best film in a decade. Eth diplomatically answered by saying "That's great, but we don't look at it in those terms." Sorry, guys, they thought they were talking to Dubya and saying he was the best American president in a decade. Well, somebody's gotta take him on, and it ain't gonna be Time Warner UPI, that's for sure. Nevertheless, let's take it film by film. Anyone heard of Lebowskifest.com? This is no fake thing that Steven Seagal might prop up by himself for Under Siege 2, my friends! It's not often a film gets its own Burning Man-esque following. Hmm! Think I better go to one of those within my lifetime. And of course, perhaps the foreign press don't know who made O Brother, Where Art Thou? They must've thought it was Preston Sturges. Guess they weren't crazy about The Man Who Wasn't There, either. Too American, right? Guess I better just skip Intolerable Cruelty and The Ladykillers, except to say that if anyone else made those movies, they would be applauded for filmmaking competence. Incidentally, what does that say? Special Cannes Jury Prize for Irma P. Hall? In your face, Foreign Press! I know, they were really giving it to her for her work in A Rugrats Kwanzaa Special. All right, that's probably more than enough of my raving. Even I grow weary of it! Or maybe it's that I've got 5 hrs. to get to work. The fantasy life'll just have to wait for the time being. 'Night! (J&E, call me!)

Do the Robo-Boogie! (Zero, zero, one one...)

And yes, as expected, the ad campaign paid off. And the word on the street is, this is the best Michael Bay film since the R-rated version of Pearl Harbor! It is Transformers, and it kicked ass with 153 million dollars. See, Die Hard? THAT's how you do a Wednesday release!

Now, in case all the expensive Transformers effects don't lure you to the cinema, how about Megan Fox? Oh, they're pulling out all the stops now! Thank god for Maxim magazine, a William Morris publication. Casting just got a whole lot easier! You know, Spielberg, you could learn a thing or two from Mr. Bay!

After that, it's pretty much the same as last week, except for the entry of License to Wed at #4, and the disappearance of Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Oh, why aren't the Christians happy? We got a serious discussion of the sanctity of marriage at #4, and the story of Noah at #5. What more do you want? A Left Behind TV movie? A Left Behind Channel?? Does the top 10 have to be all VeggieTales? Oh, right, they're still pissed off that Mel Gibson's snuff film didn't sweep the Oscars. Savor the small victories, guys. You got Warner Faith, right?

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Well, that's about it for the Box Office News. Besides, there are bigger fish to fry in the world at large. In Gossip news, Larry David was overheard at Canter's screaming about how Laurie's not getting half of the Seinfeld money. Or the Curb Your Enthusiasm money. Now, I'm no divorce attorney, but don't part on such a sour note! Compromise! Let her have the Sour Grapes money.

And of course the big news that's already blown over is the commuting of Scooter Libby's jail time. That night, after he got the good news, Scooter had a dream that he was at George Clooney's old timey-casino in Vegas hanging out with Haldeman and Ehrlichman. They both agreed that Scooter was a lightweight. Or was that Chuck Colson? Yeah, must've been Colson. Oh well, guess we're not all fortunate to find religion, eh, Chucky?

Despite all of this, our fearless leader, George W. Bush, enjoys a 26% approval rating. Some friends and I were speculating: who is this 26 percent, and what will it take to change their mind? The usual suspects cropped up: trailer parks, lobotomies, three-star generals and higher, Georgia GEDs, but it just hit me now, as it usually does once the conversation happened a couple days ago. It's the genius of Karl Rove! He's taken cemetery lists from all across the country, and rigged it so that all the dead people in America support Dubya! That explains the 26 percent! The Silent Majority strikes again. Good work, Rovey, have another eggy on me, ya ol' chubbychaser, you!

All right, that's about it for this week's B.O. report / Hollywood Insider report. Keep it real and keep it lit... something like that.

I dunno... I kinda liked it

Well, if this doesn't blow my credibility as a film critic, nothing will. Universally trashed by critics, I was ne'theless curious to see it, even more so than Gigli. Or maybe it was a temporary lapse in judgment. Or maybe it was temporary insanity. Incidentally, what is it about boat movies that are so expensive? Titanic, Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3, Speed 2, Hot Pursuit, the list goes on and on. Oh yeah, may contain spoilers, although I think I've ruined it plenty already.


Now I'm far from any Bible expert, and I was thankfully allowed to enjoy many of my Sundays as a youth instead of going to Sunday School, but this is really just a re-telling of the story of Noah, right down to the modern "My God! I'm the new Noah!" that we'd all of course expect. At least John Denver seemed more than sufficiently self-righteous in his spreading of God's message. Besides the Evan window dressing, and a slightly different ending, it's really the Noah story. At least the filmmakers did some homework: Evan, like Noah, has three kids. And apparently the story of Noah is Genesis 6:14. For even more obscure biblical references, try the Coens' The Ladykillers.


It seems to me that it's not so much the film that's getting smashed by the critics here, but the recent triumph of Christian values in American culture in general that's getting smashed, and should be, but God bless 'em, they seem to want it more. Like any one of them will tell you, missionaires can wait forever! Of course, I wouldn't hold my breath for too long: remember all the critics that called that first VeggieTales movie 'neat'? And look how that did!


The Christian critics are strangely silent on any of the issues that Evan Almighty presents, or represents. Maybe it's because they know this isn't the movie they're waiting for. Maybe they're waiting for all us secular critics to rip each other's throats out, and then they can all come out of the woodwork and get some nice discounts on recently distressed properties. Or maybe they're uncomfortable with the thought that a black man might be God, I don't know. Remember! When you get to Heaven, the first thing out of your mouth will be "Oh! Sorry about slavery!" I'm probably the wrong person to review this movie, anyway, since I'm not really a big voice in the secular movement. But as an example of good ol' fashioned American, blockbuster filmmaking, I must say I was entertained. I even liked the animals. It's not a four-star movie, but it's far from the worst movie in the world. I was prepared for the worst, but I found it an enjoyable 90 minutes, what can I say? I give credit to writers Steve Koren and Mark O'Keefe, whose other recent effort, Click, had a little more under the surface than Adam Sandler's usual layer of gross-out gags. Which is also one of the reasons I was relieved that Evan was rated PG. I made it through High Anxiety, I can handle bird poop...

Seriously, though, say what you will, just as there is scientific research behind junk food, there seems to be scientific research behind making blockbusters better. One critic complained that there was too much plot in this movie. I thought there was just the right amount, and I was able to follow it. The social circles I run in, they're not picky movie-goers. If they can dump their kids off to this, their only complaint is that it isn't longer. Another critic complained there wasn't enough character development. I'm going to let all you Christians in on a secret: that's us secular folks' code word for sex scenes. Which reminds me, doesn't Lauren Graham seem a little young to be playing a wife married for 20 years? Is it just me, or am I just pining for her work in Bad Santa? Now, maybe I'm headed for a mid-life crisis here, (I got a smile out of what ARK really stands for) but some of the critics complain that the laughs in this comedy are in the single digits, and that divided into 175 million is ... you get the idea. I guess that's true, but I don't usually bust my gut laughing at these things anyway. And I'm not a huge, disappointed Steve Carell fan either. I don't watch The Office religiously, but I did like him on The Daily Show, and Jon Stewart and Ed Helms have some nice parts in here. Note to Steve: No Nancy Walls? Is there trouble on the homefront?

Oh yeah, the camerawork. It wasn't too fancy, which I thought was one of the problems with Hot Fuzz, but that's another review.

As for the story of Noah itself, it really must be taken with a pillar of salt. It goes completely against Darwin and the body scientific: if you only save two of every animal in the world, that's a very small gene pool to rebuild from. One thing's for sure: they still can't quite get CGI birds right. Although Harry Potter's owl looks pretty good. Harry Potter's got a wing budget. Incidentally, the story of the making of Evan Almighty is probably an interesting story, too, which is slightly hinted at in the end credits.

***


so sayeth the Movie Review Hooligan

Boo-hoo Boffo Box Office all the way, baby!

Oh dear, skipped another week again! Well, can't I have a life of my own here? Besides, this is a week that REALLY counts. Last week the way was cleared for Evan Almighty, but now some fresh new titans have come to clean up some more. But let's start at the bottom of the heap and slowly finger our way through this non-alphabetized list of summer blockbusters.

Way at the bottom of the heap at #10 is the latest weepy chick-flick Evening. Can't get into it. Although I did notice that there was this girl, and damned if she wasn't the reincarnation of Meryl Streep, and after doing a little digging, come to find out ... Surprise, surprise! It IS the reincarnation of Meryl Streep! And her name is... Robin Tunney? No wait, that's not right. It's ... Mamie Gummer? Really? I dunno. Doesn't sound very showbiz, but she did change it from Bessie Lou Koslovsky. Seriously, though, Meryl, that's some strong-willed DNA you got there! Not that there's any pressure on young Mamie to succeed, but if you don't win the Oscar for this, you're out of the family!

Well, this probably won't be on the list next week, so let me give a brief shout out to the latest and greatest cameraman-turned-director Lajos Koltai. Congrats, Lajos, you've graduated from being an obscure cameraman to being an obscure director. Eat it, Andrzej! And move down a chair.

Sorry about being so grouchy. I'm still steamed over Home for the Holidays. Which brings us to #9 and it's Sicko. Sorry, Mike, it's not 2004 and you're not opening just ahead of Spider-Man 2. Still it's doing better than Bowling for Columbine, right? Michael Moore may be doomed to a lifetime of reviews including the words "polemic" and "manipulative", but what have YOU done about the nation's broken health care system lately? Huh?!!

At #8 it's ... okay, I'll use the full title: Pirates of the Caribbean 3: The Obligatory Three-quel. Hey, wait a minute! I thought I enjoyed it. What gives? Oh yeah, just remembered. I just saw a trailer for the next VeggieTales movie, something about them being pirates. Oh yeah, it's called The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything. I get it, they're supposed to be liberals, right? It'll make money because it only cost $20,000 to make, believe it or not! Sounds neat, guys. Don't call us, we'll call you.

Speaking of 3quels, at #7 it's Ocean's 13. Well, it crossed the 100 million dollar mark. That's all they really need, right? Right? Hey, where's the budget info?

At #6 it's The 40 Year Old Virgin, part 2. And it's doing even better than Ocean's 13! And Clooney's been crusading so hard for the old school ways, with the suit and a tie, and that big fancy-shmancy Warner Bros.-sponsored casino of his. That'll show you for not letting me in!!! Bastards!

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And now the cream of the crop. #5 brings us Fantastic Four 2, which, if I know my movie math correctly, that makes it the Fantastic Eight? Seriously though, aren't there four new characters as compared with the last one?

At #4 it's Room 237. No, I mean 1408. And it's not the Overlook Hotel, it's the Dolphin Hotel. Man, what is wrong with this thing? Better move on, and quickly.

At #3 it's Evan Almighty, universally trashed by critics, so why's it doing so well? Such confusing, conflicted times we live in. And apparently, the CGI in the photo I posted is already better than anything in the movie! Well, I hope all the filmmakers enjoy spending their 15.1 million pieces of silver. Boy, inflation's really gone up in the past 2000 years, dontcha think?

At #2 it's Die Hard 4: Live Free or Die Hard. Great title. Makes me want to see the fifth one for the title alone. Well, sorry guys, but the ol' Wednesday release trick didn't work for you. Did you let Kevin Smith write his own dialogue? Big mistake. Really big mistake.

And finally, the little movie that could, at #1 it's Pixar 8.0 aka Ratatouille. And even more impressively it's stormtrooping its way through the ranks of the IMDb Top 250! Eat it, Senator Lasseter! Five kids? Damn! This'll re-think computer nerds for somebody. Anyway, congratulations, Brad Bird. Another one-time Spielberg protegé does well. You know what this means? It's time to dust-off the greatest unproduced script in your script cabinet: your own life story with Philip Seymour Hoffman in the lead! But would it be too much to ask if you let him bark like a dog this time? Peace out. :)

Clio - Summer 2007

Happy 4th, everybody! Oh man, I'm up way too late again. But before I go to bed, it's time to ruminate some more about that great short film festival in the sky: the commercials on TV. That Dello Joio bastard was right! I can't find his official website right now, so I'll save that for later.

Anywho, I don't know who nominates commercials for the Clio Awards, but I'd merely like to offer my suggestions for the nominees. Oh, so many great commercials. I'm reminded now of the latest Heineken ad where this dude brings this mini-Heineken keg and a sub sandwich to a party, and this other dude takes credit for the keg! Ah, it's high school all over again. Have we learned nothing from all those years of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm? Or maybe it's time for an American Expulsion? What else? There was a freaky one I saw just a little while ago for Airwick Ultra featuring a mommy giraffe and her two baby boars. Maybe the South is coming out of the Dark Ages yet if they let this one pass. There was also another creepy animated Red Bull commercial, but with dogs. Apparently Red Bull is not just for humans anymore. God bless Capitalism! And I'm growing weary of the dropped call commercials for Cingular/At&t. Maybe it's just the NSA fucking with people. Have you ever considered that? Like those Enron guys saying "Burn baby burn!" Our surveillance people have a sense of humor too!

But really, my two favorite, Clio-worthy entries of late are: #2 - that dude who does the ad for the new Ford F-Series Super Duty, featured in the picture here. Oh sure, he's a far cry from the 'he's lying' guy of the 80s, but I fell in love with the way he tries to lower his voice and sound like David Puddy. (Incidentally, when's he gonna host SNL? I hope he never goes crazy like Kramer or Mel Gibson, he seems like a righteous dude and I dig his work. He was The Tick!) Oh you don't have to play coy with me, Ford F-Series Super Duty guy! I know you're fakin' it with that old voice trick!

But at #1 it's the latest Celebrex ad that places the blame squarely on you. And me. That's right, these pharmaceutical companies have hearts too, and they are broken, my friends. The profits must be plateauing, and how depressing a prospect is that? Where's the exponential profits of the go-go Microsoft 90s? What about all those Social Security-grubbing old people hopping the buses to Canada for the cheap generic meds? Where's the grandmotherly love they lavish so readily on their own families? Doesn't Dow and Glaxo-Smith Kline Beecham Proctolo get a hug too? But really, the best thing about the commercial is that the whole world is made up of disclaimers. Each line a disclaimer line. The bicycle made of pharma text. The dog, the grass, the house! I love it. Pregnant women shouldn't handle broken pieces of their tablets, that kind of thing. Is this commercial not the triumph of someone's lack of imagination?

Well, those are my nominees for now. But the year is long and far from over. Maybe we'll see the next Quizno's Singing Roadkill come along and take our collective breath away before Big Pharma does. 'night!

Auteur Watch (Hollywood) - Ken Kwapis

So what do you get for the guy who's directed everything? Everything from Sesame Street to Malcolm in the Middle to Larry Sanders? I mean, seriously? A fruit basket? About 5 weeks paid vacation a year? This dude's a dynamo! While never having a really truly breakout cinematic hit, his proudest achievement is probably Beautician and the Beast, even though he had to brave working with Timothy Dalton. Or maybe he's proud of the Panavision cameras of He Said, She Said. But it's all above reproach, really. Especially Vibes, the blatant 80s MTV cash-in attempt that most directors have on their resumé in one way or another.

Give up? I suppose the answer to the question off the top is: yet another stab at box office glory. Sof ar the aughts have provided Mr. Kwapis with all the TV work he can handle and then some. OTOH, he's no Joel Zwick. But he's been able to squeeze in the occasional theatrical release. And so comes License to Wed, the latest entry in Robin Williams' Comeback Tour. So far it ain't the late 80s all over again, when Robin and Levinson were riding high and turning everything to gold, and I mean EVERYTHING, but he's not lean and hungry like he was back then, is he? And this time, it's the hearts and minds of the Christian Right we're trying to win back, and not just the Viet Cong. And I tell you what, if this breaks 100 mill, Mr. Kwapis, it's Travel(l)ing Pants 2 time! And I don't mean direct-to-video, either! Or if you like, you can just produce and Brian Levant'll have to direct! Like a true Hollywood auteur. Heh heh...

p.s.: Not that you'll do it, but with all this new cache you'll have, I happen to have a script that would be perfect for you. It's like All of Me, but it's about a girl who channels the spirit of Ed Sullivan, and I think America Ferrara would be perfect for it... call me!

Short reviews: June 2007

V

About a month ago I stumbled across the coolest Internets thing since Virtual Sliced Bread! It was a Four-Word movie review! I mean, really, what more do you need than that? And no, I'm not being sarcastic. Maybe a little jealous, but I know a good thing when I see one, so I'm jumping on the bandwagon this month with my own feeble stab at cashing in on the hot new trend. And so,...



Ratatouille - Someone order bubonic plague?

Kansas City - Stockholm Syndrome, my ass!

Pink Panther 2 - Say it ain't so! (or 'Is it cost effective?' ... Damn! I knew I couldn't do it...)

American Buffalo - Coulda been better, Teach.

Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend - Eat it, Jurassic Park!

Lonely Hearts - Gandolfini getting type-casted?

Above the Law - Steven Seagal kicks ass!

Mr. Brooks - White Men Behaving Badly

Harry Potter 5 - Potter's mid-life crisis.

Hard to Kill - Seagal's hard to kill.

Superman 5 - Superman's a little pouty.

The Tiger and the Snow - Roberto Benigni's NEXT holocaust.

Silver Surfer - Totally not Terminator 2.

Marked for Death - Seagal kicks Jamaican ass!

'Rescue Me' - Don't hate the uniform.

Out for Justice - Seagal kicks Goombah ass!

Talk Radio - That Durn Liberal Media!

Under Siege - Seagal kicks Oscar ass!

Evan Almighty - Even snakehandlers like it!

On Deady Ground - Seagal kicks Greenpeace ass!

Kung Pow 2 - Four years too late...

Under Siege 2 (aka Steven Seagal 7) - Seagal kicks SEQUEL ass!

Superbad - Long time gone, Mottola!

Bob Roberts - That durn liberal media!

Eraserhead - David Lynch's pediatrics nightmare.

Executive Decision - Seagal gets ass kicked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"The Flight of the Conchords" - They Might Be Giants?

Ticker - Seagal. Pyun. Somehow inevitable.

Evening - Holy chick flick, Batman!

Network - That Durn Liberal Media!

Cabin Boy - Colleen? Assignment in Hell!

Knocked Up - Heigl trumps Alba, finally!

speaking of which...

Zyzzyx Road - Coolest box office ever!


Magic - This better make money...

Dreamscape - Norm's best movie role.

"The Flight of the Conchords" - HBO finds next Borat.

Thank You for Smoking - That Durn Liberal Media!

License to Wed - Kwapis: Ship still out...



Next month: 3 word movie reviews

close enough

And it's official! Die Hard 4 is rated PG-13. Oh, bitter dis-appointment. I haven't felt this let down since Alien v. Predator got the same rating! You'd think between the two of 'em it'd get an NC-17 for violence alone! Guess Verhoeven wasn't directing.

Okay, let's sneak up slowly on this week's Box Office, to make the new arrival's glory that much more glorified. At #10 it's Spider Man 3, and I hate to say it, but what the hell ... PATHETIC! Must be on video in China already... WITH commentary! How sad is that. Of course, the commentary is in Chinese, and the audience that night all chip in their two cents, but at least you didn't have to wait and pay the Costco premium price.

At #9 it's Mr. Brooks. Tig Productions, don't give up your day job!

Hostel 2 clocks in at #8. Well, it's still doing way better than The Condemned. Can't Quentin be friends with both?

At #7 it's Nancy Drew. Oh dear, does this mean that Emma Roberts is doomed to a lifetime of Hollywood outcast-ery just like ol' pappy Weirdo? Or does it mean that the recession's finally hitting the Nickelodeon crowd? Well, Emma, you just might be okay if the Maxim crowd embraces you. It's what saved Rose's career! Personally, I'd blame the director. He's still trying to get back into the Hollywood auteur crowd.

At #6 it's Shrek 3, and it's managed to maintain its lead over Pirates at 297 million, yet still lags 30 million behind Spider Man 3. PATHETIC!!!!!

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And now the bigger half of the pie, starting off with Surf's Up at #5. Yawn, dude.

At #4 it's Pirates 3, and the big news of the week is that Depp's made a big pile of money his own self from this, about 92 million according to Forbes magazine! Man, no pirate loyalty! Still, it should take care of those pesky alimony problems for a while. And yet, he's not looking forward to Pirates 4. Can you believe that?

At #3 it's Knocked Up, still hanging in there. You know why? Well, part of its success is the simplicity of its poster: Seth Rogen's mug. Quite simply, the best movie poster since Paternity.

At #2, it's Ocean's 13. And sure, Bernie Mac's ready to retire from stand-up, but he'd rather do Ocean's 14 than another Inspector Gadget sequel. Supposedly.

And finally, as expected, Silver Surfer kicks a little asteroid this week with the biggest take. And who knows, maybe another surfing movie will come along to get caught up in this hot new surfing trend at the box office. Much bigger than the poker movies these days. And the big news is that a Simpsons alum worked on this turkey, thereby de-turkey-fying it a little bit. I haven't seen anything like it since the baby Bills were leaving the big Microsoft nest in the late 90s, and everywhere they went they would spread economic goodwill. But that was a pre-9/11 world, and America is now a petroleum-based economy, not a software-based economy. And speaking of Presidential politics influencing the cinema, why does every movie have to be based on an environmental disaster? Can't there be a superhero movie about an oil man that fights an impending environmental threat that's making gardens too bountiful and makes trees grow too fast? C'mon, Big Idea! You can do it!

Well, better get going. I gotta re-arrange the dirty dishes stacking up again. This is Stinky, over and out.

Bad trip, man. Bad trip.

I dunno. Li'l Bush was good and all, but where's Li'L Rovey? Maybe Season 2, huh? Just another day for JMM, but good job directing, Mr. Cary. You'll be making Groening money before you know it. Meanwhile, Dennis Miller's still trying to revive his career. If Comedy Central can't help do it, no one can. Maybe Spike TV. If Spike'll do it for Pee Wee, they'll do it for anybody!

All right, on to #5. It's Shrek 3, and so far it's slightly ahead of Pirates 3 in total money amassed. You'd think it'd have an advantage being half as long as Pirates 3... Hmm. Must be something wrong.

#4 brings us Surf's Up, this year's Happy Feet. What is it about CGI penguins? I must say that lately I've been coming out of my trailer funk, and this one looked pretty good, although I think the computer animators took some short cuts and used actual footage of killer waves, instead of going the full Nemo.

Knocked Up is still knocking on wood at #3. Guess it's a little more mainstream than 40 Days and 40 Nights. I tell you what, Seth Rogen, if this is still in the top 10 by the time Superbad comes out, you get to meet Spielberg! How's them apples?

PTC3 @ #2. Need more be said? Is Keith coming back for #4?

And finally, O13 takes the cake at #1. Oh sure, they had a big campaign, but they also had an ace up their sleeve: a guest shot by Oprah? Money in the bank, my friends! And for those of you in Oprah's Movie Club that haven't gone to see it yet, shame and double shame on you. Me myself, I haven't seen it yet - did they leave the door open for a fourth installment? I doubt they'll bring back Ellen, though. Just a hunch. Now, you know I hate to do this, but I've gotta call another critic out on this, because they were pickin' on my man Cheadle, saying that he only took this job to pay the rent. Now, why you gotta be bashin' Basher Tarr like dat? Fact is, they're ALL payin' the rent with this one. Clooney, for example, if it weren't for the Ocean's series, wouldn't have a #1 pic for the last 5 years or so. And the 'Yes I Am' beer guy ain't goin' back to the day job, no how. Check and mate. I gotta go ...

Title Here, vol. 1

And another week is slipping by again. Not good! But there's so much news in the headlines it's hard to keep up. The Senate is trying to revive their immigration bill, and I just found out that Cindy Margolis finally FINALLY posed in Playboy! Hurrah, America. Can Britney Spears and Christine Aguilera be far behind? Also, Martin Scorsese and Ellen DeGeneres have done an American Express commercial together. And we're a mere 2 1/2 hours away from the premiere of Li'l Bush. Red States, I wouldn't watch if I were you, it'd just be aggravating. A Simpsons alumnus is responsible for this.

Meanwhile, are we ready for a Mormon president? Is America ready for 10 First Ladies? Which brings us to this week's Top 10. At #10 it's Disturbia, still disturbing innocent theater-goers to the tune of ... $524K? PATHETIC!!! Besides, ads for Transformers are already running. Bet that costs way more than 524K already. Only the finest for Michael Bay.

At #9 it's Waitress. And yet, Keri Russell's still not returning Julia Stiles' calls. Even though they've already done, like, five movies together! OMG! Well, it seems like it, anyway.

At #8 it's Spider Man 3. Oh, Spidey! How far we've fallen. I didn't think you'd get to #8 for at least a couple more weeks! Better stave off Part 4 til 2010. Just a thought. Sam, put Jake on speed-dial just in case.

#7 brings us Mr. Brooks. Oh, I guess it really is every comedian's dream to do that big dramatical role and all. And Dane Cook was pretty good, too.

At #6 it's Hostel 2. Bad timing, I think. Eli, you didn't wait long enough for the stench of Grindhouse to clear. Why didn't you wait til Halloween to go up against Saw 4?

All right, that's all I can handle right now. Hope I didn't leave you high and dry. Stay tuned to this blog for more quips.

Hello!! What's that?!

Much really need not be said about Galaxy Quest. It's solid family entertainment - fun for the kids, and hip enough for the adults aware of the strife amongst the original Star Trek cast. Director Dean Parisot manages to capture the style of Peter Hyams, only entertaining. Not a lot of fancy swooping VistaGlide 2.0 camera moves like they'd have today. It's one of those films doomed to be stamped with a 3-star rating by the major critics because it's neither a David Lean film nor blatant Oscar bait, but I'll give you a four! My only complaint is the following slight nitpick: they have a clip of the 'Galaxy Quest' show from the early 80s, and the special effects are way too fancy for an 80s show.

****

so sayeth the Movie Review Hooligan

p.s.: Where they were then: Justin Long (Die Hard 4, Mac commecial guy - he's the Mac!), Rainn Wilson (Office guy; looks like SNL's Bill Hader)

Depp-ity Do

I just recalled one of those weird-ass dreams one has in the afternoon in the searing spring heat, where I was keeping my trackball mouse next to my bed and I knocked it over and cracked the trackball. One of those 'It Figures!' moments. But I'm awake and it's not broken so I can't help but feel slightly ahead on the deal. Which brings us to another bitter, contentious Box Office dispute this week. So let's start off at the bottom of the barrel, where the disparity between the rich and the poor couldn't be more clear. It's Disturbia at #10 with an anemic 1.13 million at the box office. PATHETIC! But who knows, maybe it'll stick around long enough for Transformers to blow it out of the water, or keep it afloat at #10. I'm in the middle of a Shia sandwich! I see that Carrie-Anne Moss is in this. Hey, Carrie-Anne, what's your game now can anybody play? Let me guess, is there a scene where you close your eyes and look distraught? You can teach that one to your acting class. Rowwrrr! Speaking of which, I love the IMDb's new feature of having photos of the film's premiere, and there's a photo of Kiely Williams of The Cheetah Girls. She gives it five paws! And she never gives a movie five paws.
28 Weeks Later is clinging at #9 a mere 4 weeks later from its USAian premiere. There's some bad grammer in there somewhere, but hey! Not bad for the web, right? And just to show there's no hard feelings, Danny Boyle's the exec prod on this one! Although, guess it hasn't made enough so he can quit the day job. Oh well, c'est la guerre. She is a fierce mistress, whether it's a fake pandemic or a real quagmire.
Speaking of horror films, Bug is at #8. I'm too rushed this week, can't make the segues any cattier. I don't get it! This is an Ashley Judd picture, isn't it? Where's the feminist pride? Where's the revenge on that sneaky ex-hubby? Where's the Big Unifying Theory on the fact that all men are pigs, yet they seek fresh cows? Hell, where's Morgan Freeman?! Too many unanswered questions. That's why it's tanking.
At #7 it's Gracie. Nice try, Davis Guggenheim. There's some of us who remember the liberal genies you let out of the bottle with the Academy-Award winning PowerPoint presentation, An Inconvenient Truth. I don't care if you make a thousand Gracies, the Cato Institute is gonna be on your ass like a redneck on pork rinds. Boo-yah! You just got served, or punk'd, one of the tween. I just don't care anymore.

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Finally we get to a film that made more than 2 million this weekend! It's Waitress at #6, and I assume director Adrienne Shelley gave herself a meatier role than she had in, say, Factotum. Seriously, it was a small role. No lines or anything! WTF?!
Speaking of bugs run amok, at #5 it's Spider Man 3, having only spun 7.58 million worth of silk around that box office public. If I were Sony I'd be getting a little nervous. I know the Spider Man franchise took a walk on the wild side this go-round, 50s Bill Haley style and all, but still. Hey, at least it's not a total write-off like Superman 5, right?
At #4 it's Mr. Brooks which made exactly 10 million dollars. Go ahead! Check Variety. Not one penny over 10 million. Scary. Much like the film itself, I'm told. I guess it made more than Employee of the Month made total, right? Something like that. Both have a long way to go to catch up to Wedding Crashers, anyhow. Uphill all the way, boys.
At #3 it's Shrek 3. Doing pretty well, but it's probably got the most tie-in promotions of any other film out now, even more than Knocked Up at #2. Looks like we can expect another film from Mr. Apatow in 2008! Looks like you survived Celtic Pride after all; Colin, not so much.
At #1 it's Pirates 3. What's with all these three-parters? It's like some kind of curse on the Smurfs or something! Why, we're already up to Saw 4 this Halloween! IMHO - I'm going to go out on a limb here. So far I've only seen two of the Threequels this spring movie season and I can say unequivocally that Pirates 3 was the most entertaining of all. They've managed to do the best job of staying on that even blockbuster keel. And it's probably got the funniest peanut you'll ever see in a blockbuster. How many films can claim that, seriously?

Garry Shandling: GQ's Man of the Decade

Okay, maybe not, but he should be. Aren't these types of magazines getting tired of honoring George Clooney? Besides, he's going to start doing another Coen brothers movie, so he'll be too weird for the Tiger Beat crowd. But Garry Shandling, he's Da Man! We're dipping back into all those old Larry Sanders shows lately. One kinda takes for granted how good they were. I sure hate to think that Johnny Carson was as awkward backstage as Larry was, if that's the show's implication. And apparently they made all of HBO's other shows possible: Curb Your Enthusiasm comes in a close second on the Awkward-o-meter compared to Sanders. Need I mention that the show provided Rip Torn and Jeffrey Tambor with the roles of their lifetimes? I think not. And yes, I am aware of Dodgeball and Another Midnight Run, thank you very much. (TYVM?)

My close friend and I have been talking about Garry Shandling, and we've come to the concensus that Shandling's kind of a weird dude! What's that boxing thing all about? But he's one of these guys that's just naturally funny. There's not many of them. I guess Steve Martin sort of still is. Colbert seems naturally funny; Jon Stewart seems like he needs a script. You know, that kind of thing. I'd go on, but I still want to work in this business. The point of this post being that, Shandling's slowly coming back into the public eye. He was on The Daily Show to flog the latest installment of the Larry Sanders DVD, and he was on Bill Maher's show recently and held his own with Hurlyburly co-star Sean Penn. He said in one of his stand-up specials that he's middle-of-the-road politically. Not a bad place to be; if only more people on the right did that. That, and the boxing thing (it's how he works out, with a boxing trainer...) , I've been getting the vibe that, with all the talk that all these magazines throw about of the Man of the Year, Man of the Decade, the GQs and Details and Maxims and the Vanity Fairs of the world, you need look no further than Garry Shandling! He is your man of the whatever, year, decade, moment. AARP could have him as the It-Guy, if nothing else, but he probably wouldn't like that. :)

Bloody Pirates!

All right, let's tear into this lobster. Usually I wait til Friday but I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. So let's get into it!

And at #1, it's PTC3 as expected. Bloody pirates! Plenty of advertising and tie-ins to go round on this one; coupled with the fact that this might be the last installment... or is it? Still, they didn't follow my advice. Clocking in at nearly 3 hours, the only way it's going to turn a profit is if it's in around 5000 theaters. What they should've done is made it 18 minutes long. That way it would've been number 1 with 1 billion 400 million dollars! Now that's what I looting the Box Office treasury!

At #2 it's Shrek the Third. What, Donkey's babies aren't cute enough? Farting 'n spewing fire at the most inappropriate times? This season pirates trump all, me matie. Still, good showing.

#3 brings us Spider Man 3, which I suppose it's appropriate. Still, it's leading the pack at 308 million dollars. They can't take that away from it, can they?

Speaking of insects, Bug is at #4 with 4.02 million. Sorry, Friedkin, this is the big drop-off. It's the best thing you've done since Nightcrawlers, but it's just bad timing. It was either that, or a poker movie. And you beat #5 by on 10,000 dollars. PATHETIC! *

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Like they say on Air America, it's time for no snark. Waitress is back at #5, and it's a tribute to its director, Adrienne Shelley, who unfortunately was killed in November 2006. Guess she's not in the same caliber as Anna Nicole Smith or others caught up in the Perpetual Tabloid / Media Conglomerate Celebrity Shit-Storm.

http://www.adrienneshellyfoundation.org/ -Give til it hurts.

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As for 6 to 10 it's all pretty much repeats. Did I already give a shout out to Garry Marshall? If not, keep the faith, brutha. Guess you just better do that sequel to Runaway Bride. That'll get you back to #1! Andyway, 6 to 9 is pretty much BTDT across the board. ...until we get to #10! And it's Wild Hogs! The comeback movie! I'm still speechless!! If I were doing this in a cumulative Top 10, Wild Hogs would be #3 just ahead of Pirates at #4. A Red Letter day for Disney all around, no denying it. All those people who would've had to crane their necks at Pirates went to their fallback Disney movie, which was Wild Hogs. Wow. And Walt Becker, this Red Letter day means that your auto-biopic about the train wreck in a coal mine is getting Green-Lit, with George Clooney in the lead. Eat sod, Soderbergh!

On the other hand, don't get cocky, Disney. Don't let this go to your (cryonically frozen) head. No one's lining up to see Mickey headlining in Fantasia 2010. Peace out. -->

The Movie Hooligan Box Office Retort - More fun than the IMDb Top 10 list, but not by much...

* (see the part about provenance for younger directors, something like that...)

Short Reviews - May 2007

Bruce Almighty 2 - A classic.

Die Hard 4 - Classic.

Pirates 3 - A classic.

Shrek 3 - Classic.

Spider Man 3 - Classic.

Rush Hour 3 - I'm not holding my breath.


The Ex - Wait, didn't this bomb already? Well, we got to find some way to make fun of the wheelchair bound somehow. Basically, the best episode of Scrubs you never saw, when Tommy Lee came into the hospital in a wheelchair and started making moves on Zach Braff's girlfriend. It's funny, right?

Besides, there can only be one Ex. Be mine, Yancy! I'll keep the home fires burning for ya, Witchblade.

Jindabyne - Short Cuts 2.

Red State - Ah, yes, the horror genre... something even Kevin Smith can't screw up... right?

Death at a Funeral - Looks cute! The kind Frank Oz doesn't usually do, or so I once thought...

Chapter 27 - Like a good friend of mine says, we should just ignore this guy to death.

Away from Her - aka Fiona's So Mean to Aubrey. Or Billy Liar 2; I will never give up my Julie Christie!!!

Waitress - 1) Matlock's back and 2) this will do for food what American Beauty did for rose petals.

Georgia Rule - Well, Jane Fonda sure knows how to sell a movie....

Knocked Up - Sorry, guys, even the director of the 40 year old virgin needs something like that Steve Carrell magic...

Hot Rod - an Snl digital short motion picture

Bug - from the director of The Exorcist: already I like it! But why didn't they use that ad campaign for Blue Chips?

Gracie - Goodbye, an inconvenient truth!


belle de jour - a classic

la dolce vita - a classic

irma la douce - not so classic


And finally, No Country For Old Men - What makes Pittsburgh so god damn special? What about Seattle? We like film too! We've got our own international film festival, for God's sake! I'd go there to see Paris, je t'aime but I'm busy that day, and besides I was a little underwhelmed by it on DVD. But I digress. In promulgating my theory on film directors and the significance of decades, the Coens are a special case. It was about this time 10 years ago when they made a comeback of sorts with a film that changed the film landscape, or at least made the fade to white a popular visual schema with Fargo, after failing and falling with The Big Hudsucker... I mean, you know, that one they always show on HBO Family for some reason. Anyway, so Hudsucker was 1994, and The Ladykillers was 2004; are they not making a similar climb-back from a rocky critical precipice? Was I the only one who liked The Ladykillers? I just may be! Well, no one's denying that Irma P. Hall was great in it; I'm just saying I got burned by Nothing To Lose, and bad.

Anyway, here's hoping NCFOM takes the Golden Bear in Berlin... no, wait.

Simpsons update

While there's two more months to wait for the big screen version of the Simpsons, and an even longer wait for an animated Jerry Seinfeld, I must say that I've been pleasantly surprised lately by my favourite TV show. As one of my co-workers once quipped, the Halloween episode is usually the best one of the year. And that's generally true, I conceded. But this season has been above average, like they're getting back to the fundamentals of some of the earlier seasons. Season 4 was a pretty hilarious season, for example: lots of stuff catching on fire and exploding randomly. There's brighter minds out there than mine who have this all figured out, like at Harper's Bazaar or, well, in the Simpsons' own writing room more likely, but I hope they do another TV first and have new episodes all the way up to the movie's release date. SNL's already over for the year! Can you believe that?

I probably shouldn't point any of this out, but a lot of jabs at the Iraq War this year, and they still have no caricature of Dubya yet! They got a Clinton caricature much sooner, even a Bush 41. Some memorable lines too: Kent Brockman asks a guy in a burning house, "Sir, how does it feel knowing that no one's coming to save you?" and the guy says "Not as bad as knowing that somewhere gays are marrying each other. That's the real emergency, Kent!" Also, more jabs at Fox News. The Simpsons poses the following brain-teaser: why is it that Fox has crappy programs like strippers running an airline, while Fox News acts as the Thought Police of the Right? Holy doublethink, Batman! And the ancient rivalry between Kent Brockman and Arnie Pye continues. Also, even though the Simpsons movie is in 2-D, it does look like it relied a bit on computer animation, as has the show recently, in a couple of bravura 3-d sequences, one in an electrified corn maze, another where Marge is running through a dog park. Sigh. The days of painted cels is over; now people will buy external hard drives at animation auctions.

Must be the Season of the Threes, yeah

Oh, it's on, baby! The first shot is fired off the port bow in this, the Season of the Threes: the Attack of the part-three sequels. First, Spider Man 3, now it's Shrek 3, then it'll be Pirates 3, then Ocean's 3. There was another one in there somewhere, if I remember correctly. Oh yeah. Rush Hour 3. Whole Lotta 3s going on this summer! Not even counting 300! Then of course, there's Hostel 2 and Die Hard 4 and the Fantastic Eight. But will there be enough money left in America by the time the Simpsons movie hits? I'm thinkin' THEY hope so! Heh heh... Bourne Identity 3 comes out after that.

Now I know Shrek is #1 this week, with a big green-eared green bullet, there's no debating that, but I really wanted to use this one still from Home Alone so I'm forced to count down the top 10 in terms of cumulative totals! Which means Spider Man 3 is #1 with 282 million in the b'z'ank! Although I haven't heard any B.O. trivia about it this week, like the one about the movie that made 300 million in the shortest number of days, that kind of crap. Also it's only at #2 this week because it made a paltry 29 million, so now you know how all those other movies felt the last two weeks, Spider Man. You've just had it too good for two long weeks. Guess it's just time to build more theaters to help beat the box office records of tomorrow. Think of the children!

At #2 cumulative this week, Shrek 3 is #1 with 122 million, which I think is slightly more than Shrek 2 opened at. Oh, but we've talked enough Box Office turkey. Let's talk legacy now, specifically that of the man behind the Shrek, Mike Myers, the voice of Shrek. With Shrek the Third under his belt, that makes 3 shreks and 3 austin powers. So why has Mike Myers become so reclusive? Why I hardly see him at all anymore on the talk show circuit. I hope my faint pleas reach him anyhow, and if they do I only ask one thing: isn't it time for Wayne's world 3? How would that look on your video cabinet at home to have three trilogies under your belt? Eat it, Harrison Ford!

On the other had, they're already planning a Shrek 4. Now how many actors can boast a quadrilogy? Let's see, Sigourney Weaver, Mel Gibson and Danny Glover, very soon Harrison Ford, hmmm... Still, it's a narrower field.

At the cumulative #3 this week, in another stunning last-minute reversal, Blades of Glory edges upward to #10, thereby pushing Waitress down to #11 or lower! It's a virtual kneecapping of this tough but brittle indie movie; i.e., it must not be a DreamWorks picture. Oh well. Actually, I heard Riley Weston's behind the hit. But I'm sure Keri Russell with her classical good-looks will no doubt bounce back, and with a bit part in Scrubs to boot. Yes, she'll always make a beautiful dollar in this bizness. I mean, she's no Sarah Michelle Gellar or Eva Mendes, but she's got a fan base. No question.

At cumulative #4 this week it's Disturbia. Another sequel. Well, not a sequel so much as a remake. An unofficial remake. But I like to think of it as either Holes 2 or Battle of Shaker Heights 2. One or the other.

At cumulative #5 this week, it's Fracture. Nope, still can't get excited about that. Although it does give one pause. I mean, how many actors has Anthony Hopkins only worked once with? All of them? Except Emma Thompson, of course. Didn't he retire, like, twice already? Or was that Liam Neeson, I forget. After Lincoln, though, this will be his third and last retirement. Let's hope he gets the Oscar that go round.
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Cumulative #6 gives us Hot Fuzz. I have yet to concoct my review, but ultimately, I don't know. Maybe I'm just burned out on movies in general. I was also disappointed that the brain freeze sequence from the commercials was cut short. I thought the movies were about letting these kinds of scenes play out! Guess not.

#7 cumulative: Another sequel. 28 weeks later! Yawn. I used up all my 28 weeks later jokes last week. But it's comforting to know there's still a viable market to the dramatic side of Shaun of the Dead.

At #8 it's the Invisible. Whew! That was close. I almost left this one out entirely.

#9's Georgia Rule is not so much a sequel as it is a movie mocktail. Sort of a Monster's Ball meets White Oleander. And of course tapping into that whole feminine movie genre of How to make an American Quilt and Steel Magnolias and Fried Green tomatoes and Immediate Family. Need I go on? Those are the only ones I know. Throw in Catch and Release, why not. But it does have some originality: Lindsay Lohan playing a bitch! What a stretch.

And finally, at #10 cumulative, but landing at lucky #7 this week otherwise, it's the latest Redneck FUBU entry, Delta Farce. Or as I like to think of it, Delta Force 3 made for TV. My question is this: how good could it be if Jeff Foxworthy isn't in it? Or Ron White, for that matter? They're not in it, yet DJ Qualls is! This puts The New Guy in a whole new light. The Mason-Dixon line redrawn. In related news, I was disappointed to see Jeff Gordon in those ads for California which also feature Schwarzenegger, Teri Hatcher, and Clint Eastwood.
Looks like you've left Sweet Home Alabama behind for good, Mr. Gordon. Wait... he's a NATIVE CALIFORNIAN? Dang! He fooled me good. Or maybe I was just indifferent.


Well, that puts an end to another exciting week at the big dog and pony show known as Hollywood. Boy! I don't think I can take much more excitement. :)

Another Spectacle

Man! Long week. Sometimes it feels refreshing to put the blog down. And now I need a drink of water. ...done. Also refreshing. More importantly, I heard that my boys are kickin' some major derriere at Cannes with their latest, No Country for Old Men. Give 'em hell, J & E! Of course, they've limited you to just one award per film this time, damn French! No wonder the Oscars are no big deal to them.

But let's dive right into this latest box office pie. Coen co-conspirator Sam Raimi is doing a little ass-whoopin' stateside with the latest installment of the multi-billion dollar Spider Man franchise, called Spider Man 3. Oh sure, the critics will pooh-pooh it, but look at those numbers! It's only Monday. Besides, it's probably not as hated as X-Men 3. Now, I know they've been talking about some major personnel changes for the fourth installment of Spider Man, but I must strongly, nay, vehemently oppose these proposed changes. After all, look what it did to the Home Alone franchise! Big big mistake.

And once again, thanks to Spider Man, we make a giant drop from a #1 of 58 million to a #2 of ... 9.81 million? Pathetic! But you know what? Their agent will be the first to say they should work in this town again because hey! It was the best they could do up against Spider Man. This time it's another sequel: the sequel to 28 Days Later called 28 Weeks Later. So does this mean that the third installment will be called 28 Months Later? Just a thought! Also, someday all movies in the top 10 will be sequels. Just another thought.

At #3 it's Georgia Rule. While technically not a sequel, it's a sequel in spirit to Monster-in-Law because of that GMILF on the prowl, Jane Fonda. I mean, did you see her with Stephen Colbert last week? Talk about a steambath!

At #4 it's Disturbia. Sorry, kid, you're no longer the new kid on the block. Just for that, Shia, they're Gumping you out of the Transformers movie.

Rounding out the Top 5, it's Delta Farce. Win one for the Red States! Careful, guys, you might give Chuck Norris some misguided ideas. Anyway, at least it's already made more money than Health Inspector.

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And now, let's look through the bent back tulips to see how the second half lives. At #6 it's Fracture, or The Human Stain 2. But thank God director Gregory Hoblit is back to the one-word movie titles where he belongs!

At #7 it's The Invisible, but it's not gone yet! Speaking of which, at #8 it's your last chance to Meet the Robinsons. Apparently, also in IMAX. I should get down to my local IMAX theater one of these days!

Next, it's Hot Fuzz at #10. Well, maybe it's doing better in Britain, who knows. I did my part, guys! I guess I'll have to watch it again: was that really Cate Blanchett? Or Bill Nighy sans face-tentacles? Apparently, they just set the record for movie references. Or how about Peter Jackson as Santa? Of course, he can't do that kind of thing anymore. He's rail thin now!

Well, that's all for now, kids. Oh why oh why does a new box officecome only once a week.

Peter Parker picks another peck of pesky box-office peccadillos

And the opening shot is fired off the port bow! Zowee. I haven't seen numbers like this since Jurassic Park 2 opened! Or since Oscar, for that matter; numbers 2 thru 10 look like Oscar's opening weekend, anywho. Yes, it's the latest new box office record, people. Quite the disparity when the #1 movie makes 5 times as much money as the other nine put together. Must be a recession on. But it was inherited, of course. You have to use that word with the word 'recession' from now on, it's a permanent federal law.

But back to the triumph at hand! Yes, Spider Man 3 got out there first this season. Oh sure, critics will nitpick, but so far the franchise has managed to stay on an even keel somehow; basically, they've kept Joel Schumacher from girling up the proceedings, heh heh. It's soon going to be a very crowded field, though: don't Shrek 3 and Pirates 3 get a turn at the trough too?

So anyway, congratulations to Spider Man 3. But seriously: Bryce Dallas Howard? Was B.D. Howard the most qualified person for the job?

As for the rest of you slugs, I seriously feel like I can take a break this week. I mean, Disturbia's hung in there and all, but only 5.84 million in second place? Pathetic! Fracture at #3 with 3.7 million? Pathetic! The Invisible? Pathetic! Next? Pathetic!!!! I will, however, give a shout out to my man Curtis Hanson who's been having a rough decade since the high of 8 Mile. It's all part of my latest theory about directors, that the most successful film directors ultimately have their favourite decade of their careers. For Curtis Hanson, it'd have to be the 90s: with the back to back successes of Hand that Rocks the Cradle, and The River Wild, culminating in the Oscar-nominated orgy that was L.A. Confidential. I mean, who wouldn't want a decade like that?

Let's do a couple other directors, like J. Lee Thompson: Drunken British Ex-Patriate of Action. He's had so many, really: the Dressing Gown 50s, the Guns of Navarone 60s, the Ape-y 70s, but for me, IMHO I'd have to say it was the go-go 80s, when he did about a zillion pics with Charles Bronson, yet was able to work in an Indiana Jones knock-off in betwixt all that. Good times.

As for Sam Raimi, well, I think the 2000s are far and away his favorite decade, even though all this Spider-Man jazz must be getting redundant. I'm just hoping he manages to work a trailer in for No Country for Old Men. I'm not able to get to France this year for the Cannes film festival. Maybe get me a bootleg copy, huh?

Ever had one of these kinds of days?

Well, friends, Spider man 3 is about to swoop down and dominate the box office for a couple months but before that happens, Disturbia takes the cake an unprecedented 3rd week in a row! You know, some who prefer Sunni, but this is a full blown Shia pandemic, my friends!

Meanwhile, another kid who's doomed to a lifetime of snubbery from the Onion, the kid from War of the Worlds, Chatwin, makes a mark at #2 with the Sixth Sense clone, the invisible, but with a twist ending that you won't see coming. But in this era of twist endings, isn't that a little predictable?

Speaking of twist endings, Next only debuts at #3, but Cris Johnson probably saw that coming. Somehow the word on the street was that this was no Ghost Rider. G.R. was a man of the people, the Next guy not so much. There's no fooling the people, my friends. OJ's guilty, and there were no WMDs. The people know.

Fracture at #4, but so what. Now, Blades of Glory, now there's a story. Still over 100 million total in the bank, making it the most profitable film at the box office this week, and while it's not as good as they hoped, (Talladega numbers, in other words) it's still doing way way better than Bewitched.

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Hot Fuzz at #6. Still not good, but at least it edged #7, Meet the Robinsons, out of the way for another week. Maybe it'll snowball like Little Miss Sunshine did not so long ago, and maybe SM3 will help it out: for all those people who weren't able to wedge their fat butts into the jam-poacked Spider Man theater, maybe Hot Fuzz'll be their backup.

At #8, Vacancy, and that's the problem. Too many vacant seats in those theaters. C'mon, people! When have Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale steered you wrong before?

At #9, it's The Condemned, and I guess I, like most Americans, are just going to wait for the Reality TV version of this Reality Film show.

And finally, at #10 it's Are we done yet? And yes we are. See you next week! (Oh, snap!)

Vanishing Point: What Makes a Hero?

Sometimes the best you can say about a movie is that it's like a mini travelogue of someplace, in this case parts of the Nevada desert. Reminds me of a road trip I took not so long ago to an opal mine just outside Nevada. For miles, no other cars from one end of the horizon to the other. And I couldn't help but notice all these desert squirrels out there, waiting for their chance to cross the road, and always deciding to go as I'm about to run them over. There's gotta be some kind of Darwinian law at work there. Maybe a Newtonian maxim. Maybe an Oprah essay about co-dependence, I don't know.

There's also some nice shots of clouds here: some thunderheads, some raining, some with rays of sunlight peeking through - there's a specific scientific term for that but I can't remember what it is. All in all, good cloud variety, and not a whole lot of need for continuity since the action keeps moving. As for the plot of Vanishing Point, there's about as much plot here as, say, Grand Theft Auto. A little more plausibility than the original Gone in 60 Seconds, but it seems to me that if you're transporting cars, stolen or not, you at least want to make sure they get as little wear and tear as possible, but the film's about a little more character development than that. That, and a modern day Lady Godiva on a motorcycle. Why not, I say.

There are flashbacks showing the big transforming events in the life of this transporting car man, played by Barry Newman. Okay, so he's not a big name. He's no Paul Newman, anyhow, but he does okay here and he's also one of those guys who looks totally different as a young man. Kinda like William Hickey, only not so extreme. Barry stuck with me after I saw him in The Limey, and to a lesser extent, Bowfinger; smaller role in that one. But both with Terence Stamp! Who worked that out?

What else to say about this? Cleavon Little in a pre-Blazing Saddles role, where he seems to channel Ray Charles as the blind DJ "Super Soul" of KOW Radio. Also our hero picks up a coupla gay hitchhikers who end up trying to pull a stick-up, but since they're blatant caricatures what happens to them is okay. Some might say they were let off too easy; not me, though, because that's what a Movie Hero does, treats his adversaries with respect. Indeed, all the adversaries our hero comes across, he doubles back to make sure they're okay (they all get out of their wrecked cars and scratch their heads; time to get moving again!) There's also some blatant folk-hero-ification at play here, you know, for the Oscar crowd, (someone adds an "ALSKI" banner to the KOW radio sign... Mission Accomplished!) but if it didn't pay off with the car man's final act, well... I guess it didn't pay off. But it's certainly the opposite of the happy endings of Gone in 60 Seconds or Grand Theft Auto.

Some say Vanishing Point is one of the greatest car chase movies ever made, and the only reason I saw it was it being referenced in a review of Grindhouse (Yes! I shamefully admit it...) For me, though, I guess a car chase movie needs a little more plot. For me, The Blues Brothers is still the best car chase movie; for cars of a similar time period, Mad Mad World's got some pretty decent stunts: car, plane or otherwise. Give it a second look if you've got about 3 hours to kill.

**1/2

so sayeth the Movie Review Hooligan