Okay, Plan B... Plan B

Okay, this is it. 10:14am. I've got less than an hour to get this done. We'll see what comes first: my deadline, or the proverbial Changing of the Data. As it is, there aren't many new debuts here. At #1 it's the latest that the Rock's got cooking, and it would be Conan and the Football Player, indeed! Oh, that O'Brien has such good rapport with certain guests. Jim Carrey, for example; well, at least when the cameras are rolling. So what does the Rock have cooking this time? Orphan? Dame? It's an orphan, and this time he's not the coach in this new football scenario.* Guess he's finally shaken off the last remaining fragments of the WWE, just as Ice Cube finally shed all his street cred with XXX2: The Next Level... I mean, the Are We There Yet SERIES! I'm still waiting for the trilogy. I want someone to give me the 3-DVD pak for Xmas, dammit! Along with the anniversary version of the Friday trilogy.

At #2 it's The Kingdom. I don't know, I think Michael Mann's dumbing himself down slightly with this and the new Miami Vice movie. I mean, I'm sure it's still urbane and sophisticated and all that, but Colin Farrell's no Don Johnson. I never thought I'd hear myself type that! That's what I'm talking about! Anyway, I further contend that this is a slippery slope to more movies about Saudi Arabia, and the next thing you know they pull the plug on the American dollar along with China, and our economy's REALLY in the crapper. Death to solar power!

As for 3 to 10, it's just too depressing to contemplate. Speaking of which, 3:10 to Yuma has the largest take this week at 44 million total. See what I mean? No more Bourne 3. No more Superbad. Oh, tell me Rogen's got a Christmas movie coming out! (research) ...nah, guess we gotta wait til 2008. Pineapple Express? Sounds like a riff on The Polar Express, with a dash of Midnight Express thrown in; kinduva Defiant Ones, but with user and dealer chained together this time, both fighting against the real enemy. Just a thought!

Anywho, I want to give one last shout out to #10 this week, the not-abstract-enough Across The Universe, another tribute to the Beatles that has to do it without the benefit of their original music. Now I'm no expert on the biz, but I think it may be time for director Julie Taymor to take that sure-fire box office project next, and I know just the one. It's an obscure Joe Eszterhas script about Britney Spears. I know it's been floating around Hollywood a long time, but it's time to stand up and act like a director, dammit! Your career's on the line. Hire big! Get Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber, maybe Stephen Sondheim to musical-ify it. Maybe get Bill Condon to dust off the script a bit, get some of that Chicago magic. Ooh! You should of course expand the story to include the side-sagas of Christine Aguilera and Jessica Simpson. You could get Aguilera to play Jessica Simpson, and vice versa. You know, a new spin on the new cliché.

Okay, here's another idea...

* Hmm! Something vaguely sexual in that sentence, dontcha think?

Short Reviews - September 2007

Walk Like a Man - Well, my job is done!

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves - Well, I finally figured out where the theme music for the Morgan Creek vanity logo comes from!

Fred Claus - Didn't they make that already?

The Seeker - The other Golden Compass. But why is the hero wearing Freddy Krueger's sweater? Ooh ooh, does Ian McShane still get to swear up a storm? Or is it like Hot Rod? Did anyone else see Hot Rod?

The Darjeeling Limited - The magic is gone. The magic is so gone...

The NEW FARRELLY Heartbreak Kid - Welp, I guess Ben Stiller will sell the concept better than Charles Grodin did. Who knows? Anyway, it's a little more interesting than the more recent trend of the groom's best friend always pointing out "This is the last woman you'll ever sleep with for the rest of your life. Hope you know what you're getting into!..."

David Spade in the world's dirtiest film - Ah! All my dreams come true, thanks to Axe body spray... Or have they? I don't see it on the IMDb yet!

Rendition - Jarhead 2? The one explosion looked a little fake... The only real question is: when will the Right wing start attacking it?

And now, on to Roger Deakins ASC BSC...

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford - Too long. Movie and title! Next...

In the Valley of Elah - I'm afraid this is going to get confused with No Country for Old Men, primarily because of Tommy Lee Jones and Josh Brolin. Guess we're just lucky Chigurh wasn't in both! Rog himself hasn't been this confused since 1994, what with Shawshank and Hudsucker... Hmm. There's a movie SAT question there someplace...

No Country For Old Men - NOW can the Coens have a #1 hit?

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Gone Baby Gone - Gotta like the title, anyway. We've come a long way from Missing. It's from the same writer of Mystic River, and is also about a missing girl. Yeah, I wanna go through THAT again!

I Am A Sex Addict - Every once in a while you get introduced to a new filmmaker that you've never heard of before, never had recommended to you before, or never even stumbled upon accidentally while perusing the giant IMDb family tree, swinging from branch to branch and studying the people and movies you respect the most, like Caveh Zahedi. Oh, he's good, but he makes Henry Jaglom look accomplished in comparison. Guess his whole life was building up to this one, though. That's gotta count for something, right?

Flock of Dodos - Nice to see the other side pushing back a little. The crucial scene for me was when the one councilman was using the Mt. Rushmore argument like a blunt instrument. Designer, human designer, designer, human designer... I've never seen such back and forth! Science doesn't work that way, all you right wingers. Unlike the existence of God, science relies on reproducible results, etc. Not hyperbole.

Across the Universe - WTF?!

The Jane Austen Book Club - I'll see it for you, Bello, but you gotta look at me that way too!

Weirdsville - It had better live up to its title, that's all I gotta say, you hosers!

We Own the Night - Like Shooter, but Marky Mark'll get the Oscar for this one. Meanwhile, across town, Donnie's planning on seeing Saw 4!

Speaking of which, Saw 4... Well, it's about time for me to wrap up this blog entry, and I hope the makers of the whole Saw series do the same...

Holy Turducken!

Well, once again, just when you thought you heard of everything, something like turducken comes along and just totally blows your mind all over again, and the world seems new and you have to re-learn how to ride a bicycle. Or is that after you contract Mad Cow disease? Speaking of which, the latest epic featuring thousands of CGI monsters duking it out on hi-res battlefields is indeed Resident Evil 3, and it is indeed at #1. I don't know how, there's just no more predictability in these box office races anymore. Except for maybe the week that Indiana Jones 4 opens. I'd call Vegas on that one. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Really? Oh well. If you build it, they will come... I guess. Sounds like a Temple of Doom sequel, just as the third one was a Raiders sequel, but moron that later. Back to the matter at hand. Time for a shout out to RE3 director Russell Mulcahy, no stranger to sequels himself. And not exactly a spring chicken, nor the hottest Cal-Arts grad with a two minute CGI short he's about to turn into the latest Pixar epic. Best known for the feature-length music video Highlander 1, he's got quite a few things in the pipeline! Including what looks to be his cinematic autobiography. So congratulations to you, Russell Mulcahy, our Australian Auteur of the week.

At #2, what is surely being advertised as the #1 romantic comedy in America, it's Good Luck Chuck. Not only does that rhyme, but it has double meaning too! Some split infinitive thing. Spoiler Alert! It's about a guy who turns out to be a magic marriage catalyst for women. And yet, it's not a high concept pic like Indecent Proposal, and they're not marketing it to women with a question like "Would you date this man if you knew that the next man you date would be your true love?" That's how I would've done it, but they must be doing something right! #2! Not 2 shabby!!!! Hah. Now I know everyone's beating up on Dane Cook, saying they're tired of the fratboy suburbia humour, but I won't add to all that. Just report it.

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Now normally I say #6 to #10 are the dregs, but I think we're in the dregs already. #3 brings us The Brave One. And yet, why am I reminded of The Lonely Lady?

At #4 it's 9:11 to Rudy. I'm sorry, I mean 3:10 to Yuma. That's what I get for watching too much news. Rounding out the top 5, it's David Cronenberg's latest art house masterpiece, Eastern Promises. Teaming up once again with Aragorn; why, I haven't seen anything like it since Peter Weller teamed up to do Naked Lunch. And to think, he could be doing RoboCop 6 right about now!

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As for the rest, Superbad still lags about halfway behind Bourne 3 in terms of total box office take. But both have staked out a claim on the IMDb Top 250; how cool is that? Watch out, Fight Club and The Matrix, and all you oldies from 1999 who will soon fall if this keeps up. But just as 2007 was up til now The Year of the Rogen, with the arrival of Michael Clayton this could very well be The Year of the Gilroy instead. But I think the year's big enough; perhaps there's room for both after all.

Mr. Woodcock hasn't gotten in the top 250 yet, nor made that much money, but... there's gotta be an upside. Anyway, speaking of Michael Clayton, there's another character worthy of their own title, and that's Sydney White. What it's a riff on, I'll let you find that out for yourself, as it's way too priceless to spoil. But what to be done with Amanda Bynes? Where does she fit in the galaxy of young starlets? Not old enough to be Julia Stiles, not Lohan enough to be Lindsay. Not knee deep in her second career like Anna Paquin. Or is she? ...nope, made a study of it, looks like she's working pretty steady despite losing The Amanda Show. I think I'll wait til my girlfriend wants to introduce me to the films of Amanda Bynes, personally.

Which brings us to D-War, or Dragon War, or whatever the hell it is. It's the #1 movie this week about dragons attaking downtown Hokkaido... something like that. Personally, I think the commercials they're running this week set a dangerous precedent. All it says is "Now Playing." No cast or crew names in the commercial at all! I don't think they even showed a Studio logo! Look, all I'm saying is if this becomes a catchy trend, the affected unions might have to take action. And speaking of action, I think it's past my bedtime. So many movies to TiVo, so little time. :)

Sequels, Remakes & Dragons - Oh My!

Boy! Seems like westerns are taking over lately. The Brave One (1957), 3:10 to Yuma, and Mr. Woodcock... well, sounds like someone in the Old West who ran a furniture shop, kinda? You know, and every wood cutter from Portland, Maine to Neah Bay, WA comes down and tries to beat ol' Mr. Woodcock at underwater basket weaving. Something like that. It practically writes itself, people! I still can't help but think Billy Bob's phoning it in on this one. That and the new Bad News Bears. What would Epperson say? Or Brent Briscoe?
Meanwhile, Superbad's still kicking ass, even if it is only at #4. It's got the third biggest total behind Rush Hour 3 at #9 and Bourne 3 at #7. It's a third if you think of it as The 40 Year Old Virgin, part 3, and Knocked Up as 40 year old Virgin part Two. Or maybe the latest incarnation of Animal House or... Road Trip? One of the two.
So far the only original thing on this Box Office is D-War at #5, unless you think of it as the latest Godzilla rehash. If there was only some way to stack it next to Robot Jox at the video store...
At #6 it's Halloween, still about a month short of the holiday it's based upon. I don't think it'll make it all the way til then. Oh well, at least it'll clear the path for Saw IV. Now that's got the hearts and minds: figuratively AND literally!
Bourne 3 - see earlier quip... Balls of Fury's hanging pretty tough at #8. It earned every penny of that almost 30 million box office take. Still, better keep the Reno! 911 day job, guys.
Mr. Bean 2 is at #10, almost having made as much as Balls of Fury, for one! Guess it'll drop off completely by next week, though. Does this mean the Mr. Bean animated movie is coming to America next?

Welp, better get going. Blogging while you're on the phone is hard! (:

More Movie Loaf

Boy! Turning out to be a big news week. OJ's back in the news: he apparently committed a robbery in Las Vegas. His excuse this time? He thought he was in Ocean's Thirteen. But at least he's stopped killing people. He may still be doomed to walk the earth like a pariah for the rest of his life, right into the SAG Retirement Home; makes Lillo Brancato wonder, man! Why can't I have a dream team?

Anyway, this one guy Robert Draper has been flogging his new book about President Bush called "Dead Certain". Hmm! Who does this guy look like? The big revelation is that Dubya is going to stretch out the Iraq War so the next President can take it over. Yeah, well, Dubya couldn't take over the fight against bin Laden in 2000, could he? And you know why? Watch this again. It's the Clinton Universal Corollary; now if you found out that Clinton was going to stretch out something, let alone a war, until the next election, what would've happened to him?

Oh but enough of my prostheticizing. Prosletyzing? This thing doesn't have a Spell Check yet. Anyway, guess that's it for the news. Oh yeah, Britney Spears is already turning into Anna Nicole Smith, at least in all the wrong places, right? She is awful, I wholeheartedly agree, but overweight? By how many pounds? Aren't our Beauty Standards for Women in this country stringent enough already?

Anyway, now to the real news, #6 to #10 of this week's Top 10 at the box office. The dregs. Yecch. At #6 it's the unfortunately named "Balls of Fury". But, on the other hand, what the hell else are they gonna call it? "The Happy Funny Ping Pong Movie"? Well, maybe it's called that in China. Where it's already out on DVD. Oh yeah, that's some more news I read, that China's going to go lighter on criminals now, especially the white collar ones. From now on, they'll run 'em over with tanks when ABOSLUTELY no one's watching or getting it on camera. But I digress. I'm going to wait til Balls of Fury comes out on DVD, and I'll call up my local video store and ask for it, and the guy on the phone will ask "Is that an adult film?"

At #7 it's RusHour 3, as all the cool people are spelling it these days. It's made the 2nd most money just behind Bourne 3, about 100 million behind, but close enough. It's just a weak box office all around this week. And sorry, Brett, you're still gonna have to earn that respect you seek the hard way, like Spielberg did.

#8 brings us Mr. Bean 2, which takes us quickly right away to #9, The Nanny Diaries. Did I already mention it's the latest from the American Splendor team? Not quite enjoying the same critical heralding with this one, or even the same amount of buzz. Look out, S. Jo, you're hanging around Woody too much! He's going to make a move on you at some point...

And finally at #10 it's Stardust, or Michelle Pfeiffer Enjoying Her Naked Ass in the Mirror: The Motion Picture, or Into the Night 2 for all you guys. Which finally brings me to my saddest bit of non-movie news yet: Stuff Magazine is going out of print! Is that the proper term for a magazine that's folding, so to speak, not going to be published anymore? That's exactly how monumental, how infamous a bit of news this is! A sad day indeed for guys everywhere who couldn't afford the steep price of Maxim, FHM, or Details magazines, or any of those other, much snootier publications. A very sad day. Somewhere in hell Jerry Falwell must be smiling. Oh well, guess that Tower of Babel will just have to be built up elsewhere with better buttresses. God speed to you, Stuff Magazine. We'll always have the public library. Here's looking at you, kid.

Auteur Watch: Rob Zombie

Damn! They got to the numbers early today. Usually I have to wait til 2pm or so. Well, that's what I get for procrastinating, dontcha think? :) Anyway, as you all know, Labor Day weekend belonged to Halloween, directed by Rob Zombie, and I just wonder if he was thinking to himself about the American movie-going public: You frigging ingrates! (he censors himself better now...) I give you two gifts of originality, House of 1000 Corpses, and The Devil's Rejects, and what do you make #1 at the box office? A remake! A bloody remake! I just wonder if he was thinking that. Coming up next from Rob Zombie: A NEW Nightmare on Elm Street.

So that was at #2 this week. At #1 it's 3:10 to Yuma. Maybe I should do an Auteur Watch episode on James Mangold! He's back and bettah than evah, my friends; check out that tidbit about Girard Swan! He finally got the Mel Gibson Stink off... As for the rest of the cast, well, I guess we're overdue for another 2nd coming of Russell Crowe. This year will be a much better good year than last year was. Let's hope this time he gets an Oscar he can live with. As for the new Batman, how many damn movies can that bastard make in between sequels? Even more than the whole cast of the Matrix combined. And yet, he STILL won't return Mr. Bean's phone calls! (#8 this week...)

At #3 it's Superbad. I've got nothing left to say in praise of this one, so let me give another shout out to its director Greg Mottola. Don't forget, buddy: you're still just a hired gun. Okay, so you've gone from Soderbergh to Apatow. If I had online polls, I'd ask: is that a Step Up, Step Down, or a Lateral Move? If you're from Hollywood, you'd have to answer: Lateral Move, of course.

At #4 it's Balls of Fury. Yawn. So much for that Wednesday bump they were hoping for. Well, at least it's making more money than the Reno 911 movie did! Besides, how good can BOF be if Cedric "the OTHER entertainer" Yarbrough isn't in it?

At #5 it's The Bourne Ultimatum. More importantly, it's made 210 million, the most of any movie in the top 10 this week. And even more importantly, it's still in the IMDb top 250. I haven't seen it yet, but I hear they leave the door open for a fourth installment. Well, sooner that than Pirates 4, anyway. (Spoiler alert: my inside Hollywood source says that the tentative Pirates 4 script is as follows: the pirates find a time portal, and find themselves in modern day Manhattan, where they hold the employees of F.A.O. Schwarz hostage for several days. And of course, Johnny Depp spends about half the movie pulling the string on a talking Captain Jack Sparrow doll.) Where was I? Oh yeah, let me give a brief shout out to Tony Gilroy, yet another bastard I'm going to have to profile in my ongoing series Auteur Watch. Watch out, Michael Clayton!

Okay, I've got to bail out early for this week's b.o. report. Still trying to clean up from my big Labor Day party. And incidentally, if I hear another comedian point out the irony that we celebrate Labor Day by not working, I really will puke. Seriously, projectile vomit and everything, just like Bobcat talked about in that one Larry Sanders episode. Unlike your jobs, jokesters, WORK SUCKS!!!!!

A week of lulls, or Gone-Zo

I am reminded this week of that casserole on Malcolm in the Middle, made of all the left-overs the family didn't finish over the course of the week, and
for the first time ever LAST WEEK'S casserole ends up in the casserole! Oh sure there are some new entries this week, but you wouldn't know it from
looking at the top 3. Besides, the hot story this week is High School Musical 2 anyway. A lot of nostalgia for high school out there amongst the
giants who are happy that they're not going to school today. Zac Efron doing double duty in that and Hairspray; I love it! And could Ashley Tisdale be
the new Haylie Duff? Everyone else but Haylie'd like to think so! She's got an interesting smile; kind of a Rod Stewart vibe, with some Paris Hilton
thrown in to the mix, but with some wits about her. Yes, kind of a smug self-satisfaction but still not afraid to be a sex object and make some money
for the man. What do I gotta do to get with you, honey?
Anyway, let's tiptoe through the Box Office tulips in terms of cumulative total again

1 Superbad (2007) $18M $68.6M 52 The Bourne Ultimatum (2007) $12.4M $185M 13 Rush Hour 3 (2007) $12.2M $109M 34 Mr. Bean's Holiday (2007) $10.1M $10.1M 85 War (2007) $10M $10M 96 The Nanny Diaries (2007) $7.81M $7.81M 107 The Simpsons Movie (2007) $4.4M $173M 28 Stardust (2007) $3.95M $26.5M 69 Hairspray (2007) $3.45M $107M 410 The Invasion (2007) $3.14M $11.5M 7

The Simpsons Movie - If I read one more review comparing this to the South Park movie I'm going to puke. Seriously.
Mr. Bean's Holiday. Well, it's been 10 years so I guess we were overdue. I do like the idea of a G movie, though. Expect Johnny English 2 in 2013!
War. Yawn. The One part 2. Or Transporter 3, either one. I already had this one's number a long time ago. Still, makes all those ads for Jet Li's
Fearless seem a little anti-climactic. That was Li's last epic, so now he can only make crappy movies like this one? Is that how it works?
At seventh on our countdown to infamy, Nicole Kidman the Remake Queen is at it again. I mean, the Stepford Wives, Bewitched, and now this. Up next: I
-Spy 2, to help Owen Wilson get out of his funk.
And finally, diaries are incredibly hot-ular... popular? Hot? Spawning their own genre? You've got Bridget Jones, the Motorcycle Diaries, the Princess
Diaries, the Basketball diaries, Diary of a Mad Black Woman, and now the Nanny Diaries. From the powerhouse filmmaking team that brought you American
Splendor, and they managed to re-snag Giamatti for a role. Fancy that! What smashing good luck! And like Zwigoff when he made that bold leap from
Crumb to feature films, the filmmakers here employ the services of one delectable S. Jo. Why, that's almost like getting Ashley Tisdale. I guess
Brittany Murphy got tired of making pictures like this.
And finally, I pronounce you Craig & Larry has finally fallen out of the top 10. And it couldn't have come at a worse time....

Did someone say McLovin? or 2007: The Year of the Rogen

I was going to use the typical Animal House framegrab, but then I thought, yeah, that conniving little Sandlot bastard is more like it. Look, Ma! The surge worked! The saturation ad campaign paid off, retro-Columbia logo and all. Superbad rakes in 33 million big ones to make it at #1. Not bad for an R comedy, like Wedding Crashers (now playing on HBO: a Dobkin joint...) And! On top of that, all these #1 movies lately seem to surge up the IMDb top 250. Why is that? I think the crews of these movies get payola to cast some votes.

Not Rush Hour 3, though, at #2. They're old school. Give 'em hell, Roman! Best role since Robert Blake in Money Train.

Bourne 3 at #3 is there to stay, on the other hand. #65! Give em hell, Greengrass.

Well, it took a month but The Simpsons Movie finally slid off the top 250! It's almost at the 200 million mark, though. Sequel time? I still say it's time for the Simpsons Halloween Movie! C'mon, guys, what with all the other crappy horror movies out there, a good one might make a difference.

Rounding out the top 5 it's the latest incarnation of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Hey, Nicole, with this and The Golden Compass, I think the new Bond's making a move on you! Watch your ass, Urban! Real bonzer!

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As for the rest, Stardust, Hairspary, Underdog, Potter, the only one I have time to talk about is Chuck & Larry. Lemme just give a shout out to director Dennis Dugan. I can't believe I haven't already! This is the third Sandler film he's helmed. And with this, and the one couple in Big Daddy, my gay-dar went up. Oh yeah, and the whole Norman... Is That You? thing. And by that I mean one of the first films made from a video transfer. Guess he's not actually gay, though. He's made some pretty fabulous movies, I must admit. His next is another Sandler pic called Zohan. I assume, it's going to have Lindsay Lohan playing an alien from outer space, or from the Eastern Bloc, one or the other.

Okay, time to go. That rat bastard Stephen Hayes was benevolent enough on the Daily Show this week, but on Bill Maher's latest return to HBO? I don't think so. One of the tenets of the Bush Administration seems to be: debate everything forever. The Vietnam War was now fought all wrong. There's a connection between Iraq and 9/11. Darwin was wrong. Bush now says he admits there's no connection between 9/11 and Iraq. Some say that there's a new biography about Dick Cheney, but you know what? I don't believe it really exists. More debate on this later. :)

Yumpin' Yiminy!

Ladies and gentlemen, guest reviewer Jiminy Glick.

(Transcript) Ho, ho, it's wonderful! I'm Jiminy Glick and I'm... in Gitmo, or someplace! Just in this bare room with white walls and computer equipment everywhere, a proverbial Nerditorium from the Book of Dorks chapter 5:12, it says here. Oh, wonderful! Bruce Vilanch will be seeing a big payday for that one. All I know is I didn't work hard my whole life to be a famous celebrity and end up in a room like this. So let's see! Movies, movies, movies. I haven't really seen anything lately that I really liked. I stopped going to movies because Doris Day hasn't made a movie in years. What happened to her anyway? But I did hear of The Good German. Oooh, wonderful title. The Good German! Sort of a Casablanca remake but with the F-word. Oh it's just two hours of F-this, F-that, F, F, F, F, F! I'm just still confused by that title! The Good German, as if there were ever any bad Germans! It must be another Mel Brooks picture. Oh, it's just time for Mel to beat up the Nazis again. Get over it, already!

Speaking of getting over it already, the wonderful Jim Carrey is back again with The Number 23. Well, persistence must be his middle name. Someone should've taken him aside and said "It's okay. You'll get an honorary Oscar in about 40 years." Or, Tom Shadyac will just give you one of his. But God bless him, he keeps trying! I just still can't believe how Blockbuster poo'd the screwch on this one. Seriously! I mean, I saw this wonderful poster that said "The Number 23 coming to video on 7/24." Am I the only one to see the irony there? Hello?!

And speaking of Jim Carrey, I noticed his ex is keeping busy. The wonderful Renee Schwarzenegger is in Harry Potter... Stacy! What the dickens is wrong with these notes? Forgive me, it's called Miss Potter, and it's just now finally Muggle free and ready for the public library market. Oh, it's wonderful. It's like you go to the public library to check out a movie, and you have to tell your kids "Oh, Harry Potter's checked out. But they've got Miss Potter! That's just as good!" Yes, for a change a couple breaks up BEFORE one of them gets the Oscar, and now Carrey did the brave thing. He went on eHarmony and found out that Jenny McCarthy is out of rehab, available, and as it turns out is actually his exact opposite. Oh, it's a match made in Heaven, or as it's known in the biz, James Dobson's backyard. So in summation, another classic movie.

And speaking of another classic movie, there's Captivity, which I'm told is Calista Flockhart's greatest role ever, but why can't she be more like the girl next door? I know the director well, Sir Roland Joffe, and it's kind of brave and new how things change, or go in a circle, one of the two. Why it seems like only yesterday, about 25 years ago, when he did The Killing Fields. And now we have Captivity, and he's obviously come around to see that a little torture can be a good thing! Makes you think. Do I smell another Oscar?

You know, sometimes I reflect on how certain people don't get recognized for the geniuses they are. In this case, however, it's how people who live in the shadow of famous people. I mean, Summer Phoenix has played two title characters, Esther Kahn and Susie Gold. She has TWO movies named after her! What more do people want? Oh, people would just rather see Casey Affleck in Drowning Mona. I don't think so!

Well, it's been wonderful. Oh, I love technology. Technology and computers. They may not make you live longer, but after hanging ten on the web all night and you see the sun coming up the next morning, you begin to wonder if it's such a good idea, and hopefully you won't have to meet any of these web kook-pots when you do get to Heaven. You'll at the very least have more eyestrain than you did! That's a good thing, right? Oh wait! I almost forgot. Now normally I don't watch documentaries, I just think they're really all made up, and probably ghost written by some blacklisted screen writer like the wonderful Dalton Trumbo or Elia Kazan. Just pay the money and get taken off the list like a good Capitalist! What is the big deal? But I did see this movie called Jiminy Glick in La La Wood! Oh, I just love it when the movie's about me! Well, I saw it on video. My wonderful wife Dixie gave it to me as a Christmas present. And we all sat down and watched it, me and Dixie and our four strapping boys, Morgan, Mason, Matthew and Modine. I mean, I fell asleep about halfway through it, but what I remember seeing I loved. It was wonderful. I didn't like the guy who played me, though. I would've done it differently, and tried to be more professional, but you know, these actor guilds are very powerful and secretive. The director must've been weak-willed and let people just walk off with Kliegl lights and sell them on eBay, and forget to turn them off and just singe their hands! Oh hoh, what fun. I cracked myself up on that one! But you know what? I think I'll watch this Jiminy movie again at some point, maybe let it sit for a couple months and then see it again fresh. I just wonder what David Lynch was doing there? They must've left the bar open, or maybe he was friends with the director, who knows. Anyway, this is Jiminy Glick signing off, to all our ships at sea, and to all our fighting contractors out there. Let's really try to get Saddam this time! America hates a wimp. Over and out! ....okay is that it? Dixie! I need you, Dixie! Let's go to Spago's and get some spaghetti. Ha ha hah!!!

You sunk my Scrabble-ship!

All right, time to tear into another Box Office lobster. Gotta do it now or I'll never get it done, but where's the lemon juice and melted butter? But wait, before we get into that, let's take an ever so bittersweet look back at the films that totally dropped off the list from last week...

Transformers... Transformers! That's it, Shia's out of Indiana Jones 4... Is TF still even playing? Haven't seen it yet. Of course, who's got 2 1/2 hours to spare these days...

Hot Rod... Say hello to Finesse for me, Samberg. There's only room for one Adam in the top 10.

Bratz: The movie... You know what, guys, totally talk to the hand.

Who's Your Caddy? You're my caddy now, b'atch!

I Know who Killed Me, I'm going to miss you most of all. Now technically this dropped off the list the week before last, but I still can't believe how badly it did. Guess your fan base isn't ready for the drama yet, Lohan. Better just stick with a safe bet this next go round like Love Bug 2 or Mean Girls 2 or whatever the hell your people think will be a surefire hit. Why not just make a Paris Hilton-esque internet video while you're at it? That'll sell, right? Just ask Screech!

Okay, enough of the stench of the miserable past, and on to the glorious present, starting with Daddy Day Camp at #10, aka Daddy Day Care 2. But the real story here is child actor turned director Fred Savage! That's right, the Wonder Years kid. Hmm, I just may have to profile him in Auteur Watch, but since he's done so much TV work it'll have to be Hollywood Auteur Watch. Beware, Fred, don't hang out at the table that Rod Dainel's sitting at when the DGA convenes... wherever they convene. Somewhere far away from the makeup trailers, I suppose.

No Reservations at #9. I'd go to see it, but I'm on a diet.

Number 8 brings us Harry Potter 5. I've heard it's the best one yet. Probably because that little bastard Dobby didn't get to ruin it. Now, it's made about 100 million more than Adam Sandler's movie, but it's still one position behind it in the top 10! How cruel is that?
#7 gives us Chuck and Larry. What about that one dude that looks like Tom DeLay? Wait, that was really him? Wow!
#6 is Underdog, directed by Fredrik DuChau, an underdog in his own right. How sad when an animator, computer or non, gets left behind in this neo-gilded age of hollywood. Oh, why can't I be the next Don Bluth or David Silverman or Brett Leonard... no, wait... scratch that last one. And of course, a brief shout-out to Adam Rifkin, still getting work despite the fact it's not the late 90s and he's no longer the king of DreamWorks screenwriters.

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And now the better half. At #5 it's Hairspray, still making more money than the 1988 original. I hope John Waters got a piece of this, or did he get more screwed than Emo Philips and Greg Glienna?

At #4 it's the better half of Michelle Pfeiffer's comeback, making only a tenth of Hairspray's current haul, and it's Stardust. Oh, Ian McKellen only narrates it? How good can it be then? I'll tell you how good. Michelle Pfeiffer admiring her naked ass in a mirror good! Like Into the Night, but with heart. Li'l bit, right, De Niro?

At #3 it's The Simpsons Movie, currently a distant second behind Harry Potter in terms of cumulative box-office take with that giant money rake. And now there seems to be a concerted effort to keep this out of the IMDb Top 250. How does that work? I don't know, but the software geniuses at IMDb should make it so that when you click that link, it'll take you right to that point in the list where the movie is. Instead, I gotta do a text search with my hands like some kind of chump! Yep, there it is, right between Bonnie and Clyde and Before Sunset, but I guess it won't even be there for long. Damn you, Before Sunset! Wait for the threequel: Just After Mid-Day, or maybe they'll go to Alaska and call it Six-Month Sunset, you know.... never mind.

At #2 it's Bourne part 3, yeah yeah yeah. But at #1 it's another third! Rush Hour the Third! Maybe now Brett Ratner will get a little respect! ...maybe not. Sorry, Brett, you gotta take a page from the book of Spielberg if you want respect. It's time to take that book you've had optioned and been waiting to do and adapt it into Oscar bait, blatant or not. And as for you, Chris Tucker, maybe it's time to become a director your own damn self! Me myself, I wouldn't want to wait around six years for work while my best director friend ruins the Hannibal franchise and probably the X-Men franchise. I just can't keep track on all these superhero movies.

Well, that's it for this week's Report. Back to diagnosing my latest computer problem. There's some kind of file, I'll call it a 'balloon file', because my hard drive memory keeps slowly shrinking, at varying speeds, about 1MB every 5 minutes or so. I got it all back once, but not so lucky this time. Hmm. Guess certain DVDs don't want to be copied. I hope someone made a pretty penny off that one. Damn you, China!

My Big Fat Box Office Report

Damn! Coulda sworn the Simpsons'd do it again, but you do not mess with the Damon. There's a new way of looking at the world: he makes 27 dollars for every dollar spent on him, something like that. Meanwhile, Affleck's waiting for the next season of Project Greenlight... so he can try to be an ENTRANT! Ouch! Oh, snap...

But let's go back to the beginning. At #10 it's Bratz: the Motion picture. And I think like the Thunderbirds movie, it was a disappointment for all those people expecting a unique flavour of creepy animation. Me, I was disappointed because of the lack of Ben Kingsley. Oh well, he's still a sexy beast.

At #9 it's Hot Rod. Oh well, Samberg. Guess it's back to the day job. Guess people thought why go to the theater to see the film version of all those Playstation commercials with all those cool videotape effects! Or go on YouTube and see some real jackasses instead.

Transformers is almost at 300 million. Too bad, it almost made a profit. And No Reservations at #7 is almost the Under the Tuscan Sun of the season. But if I remember correctly UTTS opened at #1, didn't it?

Hairspray is at #6, and it's almost at 100 million. Does this mean Travolta keeps the jet?

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Harry Potter 5 is at #5. Sorry, folks, I gotta speed through this. The AmBien's almost kicking in.

Chuck and Larry at #4. But what about Moe and Shemp?

And now to the Big 3. Underdog rounds out the top 3, and I think, with the new Alvin & the Chipmunks movie, Jason Lee has become the new Brendan Fraser, an honorary human Toon. How can Kevin Smith work with you now?

And at #2, it's my beloved Simpsons movie, even though it's dropped to #183 in the IMDb Top 250. I saw it once but I want to at least see it one more time, if only to smuggle in some digital devices to help cherish the experience. Don't worry, Rupert, nothing that can compete with the eventual DVD with commentary.

And finally it's Bourne 3, and it kicked ass! 70 million dollars worth. Which once again shows to go that I don't know where the eyes are. Was it the MTV ad campaign? No! It was the MasterCard online ad campaign! That did it. Finding out the secret government program that led to your becoming a superspy: priceless. Still, Damon's gotten to do TWO three-quels in one year. Somehow, that ain't fair. But watch out, because Rush Hour 3's poised to be #1 next week.

Okay, that's about all the damage I can do this week. Shame on me for procrastinating. Maybe we can get some reviews done here soon! Maybe not... :)

On your mark, get set ... D'Oh!

Well, TV's greatest under-achiever has finally done it... of course, with a little help from Fox and News Corp. Between the Simpsons and Star Wars, Fox must be torn! Why do all the big moneymakers lean to the left like this? Anyway, The Simpsons Movie arrives at #1 outdoing someone's expectations that it would only do 50 million. It's already up to 74 million! It's probably not going to break any of those other obscure records, like fastest film to 100 million, but you never know! Meanwhile, its place in the IMDb Top 250 is far from assured. As of now it's at 90, but it got as high as 45! Eat it, Brad Bird! We'll see how this all plays out over the coming weeks. I don't think there's a big film coming out this next weekend, so it looks like Homer's going to have to dominate for at least another week.

As for the rest, it pretty much boils down the way it did last week. Chuck & Larry, Harry Potter, and Hairspray all did about 60% of what they did last week. But that usually happens when the #1 film kicks so much ass!

But the feel-good story of the year has to be No Reservations, worming its way to #5 in between the older giants. But for director Scott Hicks, it's probably not going to turn out to be the gentle walk through the Oscar garden that 1996's Shine was.

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As for 6 thru 10, it's Transformers, Ratatouille, and Die Hard. And bringing up the rear is two newbies! At #9 it's I Know Who Killed Me. Now, I know what you're thinking, this is another fun-filled romp like I Know What You Did Last Summer. But that was ten years ago, and J. Love Hew isn't gimping for Oscar gold like Lindsay Lohan apparently is. (Ah! Cast credits listed alphabetically... she IS going for the Oscar gold! That's the oldest trick in the book.) But more importantly, Julia Ormond is back. This is her second American coming, but I still get the feeling like she's got more to lose this time than any of us.

And finally at #10 it's Who's Your Caddy? I didn't memorize the trailer very well. Is Carson Daly in this movie? As we speak, this is already worse than Troll 2! That was fast. Even faster than The Simpsons Movie gets to be the #1 best movie! See? Somehow it's all connected. I Heart Huckabees was right after all. And I think I better go.

I'm just wild about Chuck & Larry, and Chuck & Larry's wild about...

You get the idea. Well, I had quite an education this weekend, full of flicks and full of laughs. Now, I don't know much about sports, including baseball, but I seem to have a special place in my brain for the likes of, say, Todd Marinovich and the like. So after getting quite an earful of A-Rod's less-than-sportsmanlike antics, I couldn't help but think that once Dubya becomes Baseball Commish in Summer 2009, I get the feeling that A-Gon's gonig to fall by the wayside, and hard. There's only room for one Beaner in Dubya's entourage, friends. Now, Baseball Commissioner is just a ceremonial position, but I and my friend couldn't help but agree that Dubya'll fuck that up too!

Which brings us to this week's Box Office. Now while (I now pronounce you) Chuck & Larry doesn't boast as many sports cameos as, say, Anger Management, or as many Oscar-winning co-stars, it is this weeks #1 hit, surprising many in the biz as it made Harry Potter its b'atch! Just barely, though. Some are demanding a recount, according to the news. Hah! The news. What a laugh. In the meantime, Sandler, it's time to run those special TV spots: #1 movie in America. Pretty cool! Don't have to use the "#1 Comedy in America" spots this week. Maybe next week when The Simpsons Movie arrives to stomp some ass. (Already in the Top 250! I love it!!!!)

Harry Potter at #2... No. I'm just too offended to comment any further, except to say what's been in the back of my head since #3: What if they gave a new Harry Potter movie and nobody came?

Meantime, Hairspray brings up the rear in #3 with a resounding 27 and a half million Samolians! Zowee! Booger-naut! These are July 4-esque figures!... or are they? I can't remember the last time the top 3 movies shared the top 100 million so equitably, and shame on me for that. See, this isn't such an easy job, don't'cha think? Hey, you keep this up, Hairspray, and Travolta can get a second plane!

Meanwhile, Transformers is at #4, but it's almost caught up with Pirates 3! I saw Jerry Bruckheimer on some movie channel, and I swear he's been hanging around Spielberg too much, 'cuz he's starting to act like ol' Spiel-y! Either that, or Spielberg is channeling Don Simpson; probably not, though.

Rounding out the top 5... You know, the news is so info-tainted, they don't think the people can handle, say, Variety's Top 50! The Hollywood-Insider-ification of all of America is sorely lacking. We'll get a man on Mars before that! Meantime, enjoy these days because someday Pixar will be such an industry they'll have a film come out every 5 weeks, setting the record for a studio having a film in the top 10 all year. Until that day comes, at #5 it's Pixar's latest, Ratatouille, and the only bad thing about this is that it's going to make Patton Oswalt's ego inflate endlessly. Oh well, I always figured he'd go mainstream sooner than, say, Jim Norton, or any of the rest of the Boston comedy crowd.

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As for the rest, well, to be perfectly honest, I am reminded of my favourite star map book of my youth: Donald Menzel's Field Guide to the Stars and Planets, and I believe it was Star Map 88 that said the area around the Southern Pole Star was "devoid of stars". Which brings me to #6 to #10. Not much to comment on. Die Hard 4's probably not going to make it to 200 million, but it's at least making more than Hostage. Oh, snap! L2W, yawn. 1408, yawn. BA2, aka Evan Almighty, is almost at 100 million, but it's made about 9,000,000,000 EU in Vatican City alone! (about $300,000 american dollars) Hurrah, globalization! And The 40 year old Virgin part 2 is almost at 150 million! Guess that means we can expect the completion of the Judd Apatow trilogy in 2009; after that, Judd, better getcha self a brand new bag: look what happened to Hot Fuzz! :)

You've received a B.O. card from Harry Potter!

I should've known. The cutting edge of spam. ...Ah, good! It's still relevant Yahoo! news. The town of Brattleboro, VT is planning on stomping out its ancient traditions of public nudity like a cigarette butt. That's Brattleboro, VT, or as Norm likes to call it, Nazi Germany. The timing couldn't be more unfortunate, seeing as how the town of Springfield, VT has been selected as the official home of the world premiere of the Simpsons movie, featuring a buff Bart Simpson skateboarding downtown. And they say it's only going to make 112 million. Hah! I'll bet they're working on a sequel already: the Simpsons are evicted, move into Otto's school bus, and drive across the country entering in karaoke contests, til they finally get to the World Karaoke Championships in Branson, Missouri. Guest voices will include Wayne Newton... and that's it for the sequel. Wayne insisted that it be in the contract that he's the only guest voice. Hey, Grendel gets what Weldon wants.

Which brings us to this week's big weiner, Harry Potter 5! And while Mr. Equus himself only gets half of Tom Cruise's WOW paycheck, a paltry 50 million, the other stars are up to big things too. Rupert Grint's doing his version of Little Miss Sunshine, and who isn't drooling over Emma Watson, am I right? Next stop, the cover of FHM Magazine! As for J.K. herself, well, the next book will be about a successful novelist, but with a twist: in this novel their initials are K.J.!

Transformers slips to #2, but is still doing quite well. It's almost recouped its catering costs! And more importantly, the latest cover of Psychology Today asks the all-too timely question: "Are you an Autobot or a Decepticon?" And normally I wouldn't say it, but Shia's character name is freaking me out as it's dangerously close to my own name! That, and Colin Farrell from Minority Report. Sorry, but I don't see these things too often.

Boy, I tell ya, the web is a dangerous place. If you don't keep your head, you end up going off on wild tangents like reading about Posh Spice and that new Geico Cavemen TV show. Which is why I'm glad to get back to #3, Ratatouille, the biggest inter-species buddy movie since Clint worked with that orangutan. Only at #52 in the Top 250? Brad must be disappointed.

Die Hard 4 is at ... what else? #4! And, as if you needed further evidence of the re-Christ-ification of America, the tagline of the movie apparently includes the phrase "John 6:27", in honor of its release date. A little less God-y than, say, John 3:16. Incidentally, the text of John 6:27 is "Do not labor for the food which perishes, but for the food which endures to everlasting life, which the Son of Man will give you, because God the Father has set His seal on Him.” " Which was also the rules that the caterers had to follow. Bruce gets a little picky sometimes, but that's how it is when you're a big star. There's gotta be rules!

And rounding out the top 5 as they like to say on the news, it's License to Wed. Maybe I haven't been watching closely enough, but Mandy's been keeping a low profile. She's obviously got a bad agent. If I were her agent, I'd tell her! You gotta go extra-curricular to publicize a movie like this. Publicity stunts! That's what sells pictures. Just ask Don Swayze!

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And now to the dregs. #6 brings us 1408, still going strong for a month. Why the staying power? Well, I attribute it to the geniuses behind the scenes. There's genius on the screen, of course, with Cusack and Jackson finally together on screen after so many movies they were almost in together, but the screenwriting! That's where the magic happened on this one. Those Golden Globe-winning wordsmiths of note, Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski, who went from problem children to rejuvenating the biopic as we now know it (biopics of problem children, if you will) , have stumbled a little in these 2000s here, but they've learned from the mistakes of the past and have been born anew amidst the adversity and the slings and arrows, metaphorical and physical. You know, Lowell and Babaloo, you could take a page from these guys!

At #7 it's Evan Almighty. You know, it's the rare sequel without the Roman numeral. But let's face it, America. Hollywood is looking to the rest of the world for the real money. This is the #1 movie in Antarctica right now. India has embraced E.A. like gangbusters. In fact, it's been re-cut for India so it's more like the end credits. China is gearing up big time, filling our dollar stores with plastic arks and plastic animal playsets. You get the idea. And that's why talks are already underway for the third chapter in this story: God Almighty, about Morgan Freeman climbing Mount Olympus, on his way to the big Karaoke championship. This is for the coveted Mr. Karaoke Universe title, and I think I know who will be the Mrs.!

Well, the honeymoon's just about over for Knocked Up. It's done better than anyone hoped, of course. Still, it's not Wedding Crashers numbers. But it did cost a little less to make. Hmm! Too many variables to juggle. Better re-install Microsoft Excel here. Scuse me a second...

Sicko is still boffo at #9. Of course, it's not on 10,000 screens this time; otherwise it'd probably be doing better. But the main thing is that Congress is now re-thinking its doing nothing on health care. Meantime, I've got my new DGS Health Plan, which stands for: Don't Get Sick!

And finally, O13 rounds out the top 10. Seems like only yesterday it was out. What's it been, six weeks? Hard to say if its success justifies a fourth installment, but of course that's not a factor these days. Hey! Maybe they can somehow combine Pirates 4 and Ocean's 14: make Johnny Depp the 14th member of the Ocean gang. After all, AvP2 is coming out soon. Who doesn't like the latest fresh bandwagon, even the jaded Hollywood jetset?

Well, that's about all the damage I can do this week. Tune in next week! Peace out...

Auteur Watch: Coen Bros.

This just in! Official website! See the trailer, spoil the movie.
So, what're my boys up to? That modern day Powell / Pressburger? The other Ivory Merchants? With just a dash of Jhabvala thrown in for good measure? Currently as us U.S. chumps eagerly await the arrival of No Country for Old Men ... I'm not the only one, am I? Anyway, they're starting their next decade of films with Burn After Reading, starting in August after a short break so they can catch up on their summer blockbusters. Dang! Buscemi's not in Transformers. That's loyalty for ya. But he is in Chuck & Buck ... I mean, Chuck & Larry, aka Sandler's 2007 project. They could probably work that in before principal photography starts! Speaking of which, I can't think of any bigger news than the split of Deakins from Mike Zoss. ...WTF! The Domain Name Nazis have snapped up mikezoss.com! Those bastids. Well, there is good money in it after all, innit? Anyway, Deakins is chillin' for a while, but Emmanuel Lubezki's stepping in in the meantime. Not too shabby, but I would've gone for John Toll myself. At least he's got Oscars already. Oh, snap! Besides, why didn't you use Lubezki on NCFOM when he would've been appropriate? Or is that an appropriate observation? Anyhow, Deakins is working on In The Valley of Elah. That's one of those titles that just SOUNDS like an Oscar winner! Maybe that'll be the one, Rog. 5 Oscar noms! You won't be the Susan Lucci of the ASC forever! Or the BSC, for that matter.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. There was a thing on IFC of the big Cannes press conference, and I've got a beef with that foreign press, and I think Ethan does as well if I'm not mistaken! One of the reporters said to my boys that NCFOM is their best film in a decade. Eth diplomatically answered by saying "That's great, but we don't look at it in those terms." Sorry, guys, they thought they were talking to Dubya and saying he was the best American president in a decade. Well, somebody's gotta take him on, and it ain't gonna be Time Warner UPI, that's for sure. Nevertheless, let's take it film by film. Anyone heard of Lebowskifest.com? This is no fake thing that Steven Seagal might prop up by himself for Under Siege 2, my friends! It's not often a film gets its own Burning Man-esque following. Hmm! Think I better go to one of those within my lifetime. And of course, perhaps the foreign press don't know who made O Brother, Where Art Thou? They must've thought it was Preston Sturges. Guess they weren't crazy about The Man Who Wasn't There, either. Too American, right? Guess I better just skip Intolerable Cruelty and The Ladykillers, except to say that if anyone else made those movies, they would be applauded for filmmaking competence. Incidentally, what does that say? Special Cannes Jury Prize for Irma P. Hall? In your face, Foreign Press! I know, they were really giving it to her for her work in A Rugrats Kwanzaa Special. All right, that's probably more than enough of my raving. Even I grow weary of it! Or maybe it's that I've got 5 hrs. to get to work. The fantasy life'll just have to wait for the time being. 'Night! (J&E, call me!)

Do the Robo-Boogie! (Zero, zero, one one...)

And yes, as expected, the ad campaign paid off. And the word on the street is, this is the best Michael Bay film since the R-rated version of Pearl Harbor! It is Transformers, and it kicked ass with 153 million dollars. See, Die Hard? THAT's how you do a Wednesday release!

Now, in case all the expensive Transformers effects don't lure you to the cinema, how about Megan Fox? Oh, they're pulling out all the stops now! Thank god for Maxim magazine, a William Morris publication. Casting just got a whole lot easier! You know, Spielberg, you could learn a thing or two from Mr. Bay!

After that, it's pretty much the same as last week, except for the entry of License to Wed at #4, and the disappearance of Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Oh, why aren't the Christians happy? We got a serious discussion of the sanctity of marriage at #4, and the story of Noah at #5. What more do you want? A Left Behind TV movie? A Left Behind Channel?? Does the top 10 have to be all VeggieTales? Oh, right, they're still pissed off that Mel Gibson's snuff film didn't sweep the Oscars. Savor the small victories, guys. You got Warner Faith, right?

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Well, that's about it for the Box Office News. Besides, there are bigger fish to fry in the world at large. In Gossip news, Larry David was overheard at Canter's screaming about how Laurie's not getting half of the Seinfeld money. Or the Curb Your Enthusiasm money. Now, I'm no divorce attorney, but don't part on such a sour note! Compromise! Let her have the Sour Grapes money.

And of course the big news that's already blown over is the commuting of Scooter Libby's jail time. That night, after he got the good news, Scooter had a dream that he was at George Clooney's old timey-casino in Vegas hanging out with Haldeman and Ehrlichman. They both agreed that Scooter was a lightweight. Or was that Chuck Colson? Yeah, must've been Colson. Oh well, guess we're not all fortunate to find religion, eh, Chucky?

Despite all of this, our fearless leader, George W. Bush, enjoys a 26% approval rating. Some friends and I were speculating: who is this 26 percent, and what will it take to change their mind? The usual suspects cropped up: trailer parks, lobotomies, three-star generals and higher, Georgia GEDs, but it just hit me now, as it usually does once the conversation happened a couple days ago. It's the genius of Karl Rove! He's taken cemetery lists from all across the country, and rigged it so that all the dead people in America support Dubya! That explains the 26 percent! The Silent Majority strikes again. Good work, Rovey, have another eggy on me, ya ol' chubbychaser, you!

All right, that's about it for this week's B.O. report / Hollywood Insider report. Keep it real and keep it lit... something like that.

I dunno... I kinda liked it

Well, if this doesn't blow my credibility as a film critic, nothing will. Universally trashed by critics, I was ne'theless curious to see it, even more so than Gigli. Or maybe it was a temporary lapse in judgment. Or maybe it was temporary insanity. Incidentally, what is it about boat movies that are so expensive? Titanic, Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3, Speed 2, Hot Pursuit, the list goes on and on. Oh yeah, may contain spoilers, although I think I've ruined it plenty already.


Now I'm far from any Bible expert, and I was thankfully allowed to enjoy many of my Sundays as a youth instead of going to Sunday School, but this is really just a re-telling of the story of Noah, right down to the modern "My God! I'm the new Noah!" that we'd all of course expect. At least John Denver seemed more than sufficiently self-righteous in his spreading of God's message. Besides the Evan window dressing, and a slightly different ending, it's really the Noah story. At least the filmmakers did some homework: Evan, like Noah, has three kids. And apparently the story of Noah is Genesis 6:14. For even more obscure biblical references, try the Coens' The Ladykillers.


It seems to me that it's not so much the film that's getting smashed by the critics here, but the recent triumph of Christian values in American culture in general that's getting smashed, and should be, but God bless 'em, they seem to want it more. Like any one of them will tell you, missionaires can wait forever! Of course, I wouldn't hold my breath for too long: remember all the critics that called that first VeggieTales movie 'neat'? And look how that did!


The Christian critics are strangely silent on any of the issues that Evan Almighty presents, or represents. Maybe it's because they know this isn't the movie they're waiting for. Maybe they're waiting for all us secular critics to rip each other's throats out, and then they can all come out of the woodwork and get some nice discounts on recently distressed properties. Or maybe they're uncomfortable with the thought that a black man might be God, I don't know. Remember! When you get to Heaven, the first thing out of your mouth will be "Oh! Sorry about slavery!" I'm probably the wrong person to review this movie, anyway, since I'm not really a big voice in the secular movement. But as an example of good ol' fashioned American, blockbuster filmmaking, I must say I was entertained. I even liked the animals. It's not a four-star movie, but it's far from the worst movie in the world. I was prepared for the worst, but I found it an enjoyable 90 minutes, what can I say? I give credit to writers Steve Koren and Mark O'Keefe, whose other recent effort, Click, had a little more under the surface than Adam Sandler's usual layer of gross-out gags. Which is also one of the reasons I was relieved that Evan was rated PG. I made it through High Anxiety, I can handle bird poop...

Seriously, though, say what you will, just as there is scientific research behind junk food, there seems to be scientific research behind making blockbusters better. One critic complained that there was too much plot in this movie. I thought there was just the right amount, and I was able to follow it. The social circles I run in, they're not picky movie-goers. If they can dump their kids off to this, their only complaint is that it isn't longer. Another critic complained there wasn't enough character development. I'm going to let all you Christians in on a secret: that's us secular folks' code word for sex scenes. Which reminds me, doesn't Lauren Graham seem a little young to be playing a wife married for 20 years? Is it just me, or am I just pining for her work in Bad Santa? Now, maybe I'm headed for a mid-life crisis here, (I got a smile out of what ARK really stands for) but some of the critics complain that the laughs in this comedy are in the single digits, and that divided into 175 million is ... you get the idea. I guess that's true, but I don't usually bust my gut laughing at these things anyway. And I'm not a huge, disappointed Steve Carell fan either. I don't watch The Office religiously, but I did like him on The Daily Show, and Jon Stewart and Ed Helms have some nice parts in here. Note to Steve: No Nancy Walls? Is there trouble on the homefront?

Oh yeah, the camerawork. It wasn't too fancy, which I thought was one of the problems with Hot Fuzz, but that's another review.

As for the story of Noah itself, it really must be taken with a pillar of salt. It goes completely against Darwin and the body scientific: if you only save two of every animal in the world, that's a very small gene pool to rebuild from. One thing's for sure: they still can't quite get CGI birds right. Although Harry Potter's owl looks pretty good. Harry Potter's got a wing budget. Incidentally, the story of the making of Evan Almighty is probably an interesting story, too, which is slightly hinted at in the end credits.

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so sayeth the Movie Review Hooligan

Boo-hoo Boffo Box Office all the way, baby!

Oh dear, skipped another week again! Well, can't I have a life of my own here? Besides, this is a week that REALLY counts. Last week the way was cleared for Evan Almighty, but now some fresh new titans have come to clean up some more. But let's start at the bottom of the heap and slowly finger our way through this non-alphabetized list of summer blockbusters.

Way at the bottom of the heap at #10 is the latest weepy chick-flick Evening. Can't get into it. Although I did notice that there was this girl, and damned if she wasn't the reincarnation of Meryl Streep, and after doing a little digging, come to find out ... Surprise, surprise! It IS the reincarnation of Meryl Streep! And her name is... Robin Tunney? No wait, that's not right. It's ... Mamie Gummer? Really? I dunno. Doesn't sound very showbiz, but she did change it from Bessie Lou Koslovsky. Seriously, though, Meryl, that's some strong-willed DNA you got there! Not that there's any pressure on young Mamie to succeed, but if you don't win the Oscar for this, you're out of the family!

Well, this probably won't be on the list next week, so let me give a brief shout out to the latest and greatest cameraman-turned-director Lajos Koltai. Congrats, Lajos, you've graduated from being an obscure cameraman to being an obscure director. Eat it, Andrzej! And move down a chair.

Sorry about being so grouchy. I'm still steamed over Home for the Holidays. Which brings us to #9 and it's Sicko. Sorry, Mike, it's not 2004 and you're not opening just ahead of Spider-Man 2. Still it's doing better than Bowling for Columbine, right? Michael Moore may be doomed to a lifetime of reviews including the words "polemic" and "manipulative", but what have YOU done about the nation's broken health care system lately? Huh?!!

At #8 it's ... okay, I'll use the full title: Pirates of the Caribbean 3: The Obligatory Three-quel. Hey, wait a minute! I thought I enjoyed it. What gives? Oh yeah, just remembered. I just saw a trailer for the next VeggieTales movie, something about them being pirates. Oh yeah, it's called The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything. I get it, they're supposed to be liberals, right? It'll make money because it only cost $20,000 to make, believe it or not! Sounds neat, guys. Don't call us, we'll call you.

Speaking of 3quels, at #7 it's Ocean's 13. Well, it crossed the 100 million dollar mark. That's all they really need, right? Right? Hey, where's the budget info?

At #6 it's The 40 Year Old Virgin, part 2. And it's doing even better than Ocean's 13! And Clooney's been crusading so hard for the old school ways, with the suit and a tie, and that big fancy-shmancy Warner Bros.-sponsored casino of his. That'll show you for not letting me in!!! Bastards!

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And now the cream of the crop. #5 brings us Fantastic Four 2, which, if I know my movie math correctly, that makes it the Fantastic Eight? Seriously though, aren't there four new characters as compared with the last one?

At #4 it's Room 237. No, I mean 1408. And it's not the Overlook Hotel, it's the Dolphin Hotel. Man, what is wrong with this thing? Better move on, and quickly.

At #3 it's Evan Almighty, universally trashed by critics, so why's it doing so well? Such confusing, conflicted times we live in. And apparently, the CGI in the photo I posted is already better than anything in the movie! Well, I hope all the filmmakers enjoy spending their 15.1 million pieces of silver. Boy, inflation's really gone up in the past 2000 years, dontcha think?

At #2 it's Die Hard 4: Live Free or Die Hard. Great title. Makes me want to see the fifth one for the title alone. Well, sorry guys, but the ol' Wednesday release trick didn't work for you. Did you let Kevin Smith write his own dialogue? Big mistake. Really big mistake.

And finally, the little movie that could, at #1 it's Pixar 8.0 aka Ratatouille. And even more impressively it's stormtrooping its way through the ranks of the IMDb Top 250! Eat it, Senator Lasseter! Five kids? Damn! This'll re-think computer nerds for somebody. Anyway, congratulations, Brad Bird. Another one-time Spielberg protegé does well. You know what this means? It's time to dust-off the greatest unproduced script in your script cabinet: your own life story with Philip Seymour Hoffman in the lead! But would it be too much to ask if you let him bark like a dog this time? Peace out. :)

Clio - Summer 2007

Happy 4th, everybody! Oh man, I'm up way too late again. But before I go to bed, it's time to ruminate some more about that great short film festival in the sky: the commercials on TV. That Dello Joio bastard was right! I can't find his official website right now, so I'll save that for later.

Anywho, I don't know who nominates commercials for the Clio Awards, but I'd merely like to offer my suggestions for the nominees. Oh, so many great commercials. I'm reminded now of the latest Heineken ad where this dude brings this mini-Heineken keg and a sub sandwich to a party, and this other dude takes credit for the keg! Ah, it's high school all over again. Have we learned nothing from all those years of Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm? Or maybe it's time for an American Expulsion? What else? There was a freaky one I saw just a little while ago for Airwick Ultra featuring a mommy giraffe and her two baby boars. Maybe the South is coming out of the Dark Ages yet if they let this one pass. There was also another creepy animated Red Bull commercial, but with dogs. Apparently Red Bull is not just for humans anymore. God bless Capitalism! And I'm growing weary of the dropped call commercials for Cingular/At&t. Maybe it's just the NSA fucking with people. Have you ever considered that? Like those Enron guys saying "Burn baby burn!" Our surveillance people have a sense of humor too!

But really, my two favorite, Clio-worthy entries of late are: #2 - that dude who does the ad for the new Ford F-Series Super Duty, featured in the picture here. Oh sure, he's a far cry from the 'he's lying' guy of the 80s, but I fell in love with the way he tries to lower his voice and sound like David Puddy. (Incidentally, when's he gonna host SNL? I hope he never goes crazy like Kramer or Mel Gibson, he seems like a righteous dude and I dig his work. He was The Tick!) Oh you don't have to play coy with me, Ford F-Series Super Duty guy! I know you're fakin' it with that old voice trick!

But at #1 it's the latest Celebrex ad that places the blame squarely on you. And me. That's right, these pharmaceutical companies have hearts too, and they are broken, my friends. The profits must be plateauing, and how depressing a prospect is that? Where's the exponential profits of the go-go Microsoft 90s? What about all those Social Security-grubbing old people hopping the buses to Canada for the cheap generic meds? Where's the grandmotherly love they lavish so readily on their own families? Doesn't Dow and Glaxo-Smith Kline Beecham Proctolo get a hug too? But really, the best thing about the commercial is that the whole world is made up of disclaimers. Each line a disclaimer line. The bicycle made of pharma text. The dog, the grass, the house! I love it. Pregnant women shouldn't handle broken pieces of their tablets, that kind of thing. Is this commercial not the triumph of someone's lack of imagination?

Well, those are my nominees for now. But the year is long and far from over. Maybe we'll see the next Quizno's Singing Roadkill come along and take our collective breath away before Big Pharma does. 'night!