In retrospect, I should've gone with "Barnz Burner" but we'll get to that soon enough. Yes, after his last couple projects... I never thought I'd say this, but Adam Sandler needed a hit! There was his producing of a movie whose name I dare not even speak (but I will provide the link to), there was I Hate You, Dad... I mean, That's My Boy which sank like a stone.. of course, I overestimate the precariousness of his situation. Columbia owns Sandler lock, stock and barrel and they're still quite happy over the long term, but the short term's been a little bit of a headache lately. Which is why the Number One-ing of Hotel Transylvania is all the sweeter, and it just shows to go you that the American moviegoing population will still buy the same old Sandler cast in their new Pixar outfits. They're all here: Buscemi, Jacqueline Titone, David Spade, Jon Lovitz, Kevin James... all the O'Doyles and horny old grandmothers you can handle in a Pixar-like PG setting.
The other debuts this week include Looper, the hot new time travel sci-fi adventure that's got the critics buzzing, there's David Eng's 2005 movie Perfect Pitch... I mean, Susana Matos' 2012 short film Perfect Pitch... I mean, Nick Hornby's novel Fever Pitch... I mean, Daniel John Harris' 2011 short film Pitcher Perfect... okay, I think I finally got the right one. The 2002 documentary about the gauntlet that TV shows have to run, The Perfect Pitch. I mean, if Judd Apatow can't call some of the shots at this point, what hope is there for the rest of us? Am I right? Oh, and something called Savršeni korak made its debut as well. Anna Kendrick's finally the star of something!
And just in time to poke fun at Obama's choice of music, it's Daniel Barnz's anti-union screed Won't Back Down. That's right, that Daniel Barnz. Oh, he's big! Olsen-twins big! Then again, you don't often hear Spielberg complain about greedy, greedy unions.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Angry war birds
ACT ONE
Well, I give 'em credit: they use different opening music, of a more Civil War flavor if you will! The film itself opens with the same flavor, of course, deep in the heart of Culver City. Moe's line is heavily dubbed in: "I could do this forever and ever!" We see each Stooge individually wooing their own Southern belles. They must be well off in this one, otherwise it wouldn't work. Curly's on a teeter totter with his gal, and he ends up lightly falling off. Larry gets kissed and we hear that Cuckoo on a Choo Choo sound... just the fizzling part. Then, it's settled. They're all getting married, but Curly can't get a soul to shake his damn hand! And when he insists, Moe and Larry tag team him!! Not a good omen.
More bad news. The handsome young bringer of bad news informs the six of them that the Civil War has just started. War always seems to interrupt love and marriage, especially on the silver screen. The only question is: which side of the war is the state the Stooges are in? It's half and half! The Stooges vow to join up anyway. Moe speculates Rumsfeld-style about how long the war will last: "Oh, about a week. It takes time to win a war, you know!" Perfect. I predict they'll lose the war in about 16 minutes. Larry gets a few lines, while Curly gets to back up into a horse! Hardest working Stooge in the biz.
Next scene: the same front of the same house, where Moe and Larry emerge from Stage Left in ... are they Confederate uniforms? I wish they'd make that clear. Larry gets to do the ol' "there's no other place around the place" routine that everyone's just sick of, and gets poked in the eyes for it. Curly arrives from Stage Right in an opposite uniform. The seeds of comedy have been planted, and we'll spend the rest of the film harvesting their golden fruits. First fruit: an entire regimen of ... the type of soldiers that Moe and Larry are come a'marchin' up. Moe and Larry declare that Curly's their prisoner... and, of course, they have told Curly to keep his mouth shut and play along. "Where will we put him?" asks John Tyrrell. "The smokehouse, I reckon!" says Moe.
At this point, the commanding officer starts issuing marching orders. He barks "Left face!" and for once, someone other than a Stooge gets hit by a rifle! ...okay, maybe it happened before. I haven't been keeping that close a track of it, I confess... whew! Got my cursor back! Maybe this will work better in Internet Explorer; there's always a first.
Next scene: the smokehouse, where Moe is reminded verbally again to lock up Curly. Moe and Larry search for the key. Curly gives the key to Moe. There's a metaphor for the South there someplace. Just then, we see a bunch of Union soldiers chasing a bunch of Confederate soldiers! Back to Curly, who's getting let out of the smokehouse by Moe and Larry. Soon enough, it's Curly's turn to lock up Moe and Larry. Moe gives Curly the key. There's a metaphor there someplace... Anyway, I may be the only one who's confused, but the confusion is finally cleared up by Larry at about 4:51, saying that he and Moe need to get Confederate uniforms, like Curly's got. So there you have it. The Stooges are basically decent people, not content with keeping up the little game of arbitrage they've got going in the midst of this bloody battle.
ACT TWO
Though the Stooges' hearts belong to Dixie, they're not above stealing the shirt off their fellow Southerner's back. The trio comes across two Confederate soldiers at the face washin' trough. They're both the Stooges' size, but how to get their uniforms? As is sometimes the Case, Curly gets the divine spark of inspiration. We see a shot of some busy-ass ants on the ground. Curly scoops up some ant-laden dirt and dumps it down the soldiers' pants. It does the trick, and soon the soldiers are running around, letting out unsettlingly high-pitched squeals as they do battle with the ants in their pants. Curly sits by with arms folded as the two throw their pants away, completely unaware in their pain and suffering that Curly's even there. And so, Moe and Larry have Confederate pants... the two soldiers seem to still have their jackets, but never mind.
Meanwhile... the smokehouse is empty! The Confederate regimen make this discovery, and begin to search the surrounding area. Next scene: the inside of a barn, where Moe and Larry are putting their pants on. Approaching voices are heard, so Curly springs into action. He's already holding a pitchfork, so he starts ladling giant helpings of hay over Moe and Larry. Now, either the hay's really heavy, or they get what's going on and play along... nah, that can't be it. Curly piles on a couple more helpings of hay at about 12 fps, then starts pretending to churn butter. The coast clears, and Moe and Larry reemerge from the hay. Larry threatens either the Fourth Wall or the Suspension of Disbelief by saying "This war'll be over by the time we change our clothes!" Curly loses his cap in the hay, finds it, then puts it on with a big bunch of hay in it, then clears away the hay. He can stretch the material as thin as anybody, my friends. Meanwhile, Moe confuses his coat with pants... didn't Letterman do that sketch several times? We see Larry struggling with a small coat, then it's back to the action. The Confederate regimen retreats from the firing Union regimen. Fade to black.
Next scene: a non-sequitur, where the Stooges enter a fancy mansion. They each grab a golf ball out of a bowl and take a bite. Maybe it's lemon meringue, who knows. They walk into a room and sadly see well after the rest of us that they've wandered into a Union den. They spit their collective mouthfuls of food out, and the Union men surround the Stooges. They surrender all too quickly, but Moe provides the caveat "We surrender, but only to General Grovelbump." "Who's General Grovelbump?" asks Theodore Lorch. Don't tell me........................ yup, it's time for the ol' "walks like this" routine. Aware of the moldiness of this bit, Moe says "General Grovelbump don't walk... he RUNS!!!" Exit Stage Right, with the Union men in hot pursuit. The Stooges go through a door. Lorch opens the door and knocks three Union men out in the process. This is how the Keystone Kops got started, apparently. Small price to pay to be a Yankee, I suppose. Lorch gets to ad-lib a little bit before the cross-fade.
Next scene: the Stooges apparently stayed in the house and changed costumes again. Their costume? Three ... um... let's say Negroes. Another small price to pay for being a Yankee, the Yankee soldiers confess that they're out-soldiered. They haven't even noticed the Stooges yet! The Stooges make a huddle: if they can alert their fellow Confederates of the Yankee's precarious position, they can end the war and, more importantly, get married! ...what did Moe say? Never mind. It's agreed: the boys will attempt to steal the Union map. They perform a rousing rendition of "Way down South in New York City" for the Union soldiers. Let's all sing along, shall we?
Oh, way down South in New York City
The cotton grows on the trees so pretty
On the trees? On the trees!
In the South?
South Brooklyn... (lol)
Oh, South of the Bronx where I was born
The songs are rotten and the jokes are corn
Look away! Get away!
Get away, Trish, we're hungry..
...I think that's what they say. Time to stretch out this pic... I mean, time to dance! At least, until Curly's face paint starts coming off. The boys run off again, and Theodore Lorch knocks out three Union soldiers with one door again. Oh, those Yankees never learn.
Next scene: another part of the house. The Stooges hide beside a door. Lorch comes through the door, and Larry hits him with his banjo. A mighty Ka-Bong rings out... I mean, rings out. Curly removes his two cabbages and makes room for the two Union maps.
Next scene: the barn again, where Moe and Larry have Union uniforms, and Curly's stuck with his Confederate uniform again. This all seems very familiar. We hear voices. Moe covers Curly with hay this time. Three Union soldiers go into the barn to find Moe and Larry churning butter and singing. There's a brief frame blow up at about 3:30. Two Union soldiers start sifting through the hay with their bayonets; one of whom is the Stooge regular who usually plays thugs and heavies. His specialty is turning and looking. Moe says "We're just making butter!" Lol. They find Curly and ruin their bayonets in the process. The punishment is not just the smokehouse this time: it's getting shot as well! Too much excitement. I better do the rest later.
ACT THREE
Running out of time; better warp this up. Well, the boys are hard at work emptying the powder out of the other soldiers' bullets. Then, there's a mixup with the guns, Larry ends up firing a shot at the wrong time. Curly ends up disguised as a scarecrow, and he falls off a wagon. Moe and Larry look at him with stupid expressions on their faces at about 9:23. The three are triumphant and end up going back home via sled, with Larry cracking the whip on the other two!
EPILOGUE
They have a 3-way marriage, and all is well. In unison, the three couples hug, the boys end up pouring their cold drinks down their wives' back, the wives' throw their drinks into the Stooges' faces, then the wives end up strangling their husbands. When you get right down to it, folks... aren't all marriages just like that?
***
Good double bill with: Mooching through Georgia, if you can find it... well, shut my mouth! Whoomp, there it is! YouTube's got everything.
Trouble with the Chair....
Am I the only one who remembers? It may have been a mere two weeks ago or so... but the box office chugs on. And despite advertising the holy begeezus out of it, Clint Eastwood's movie only comes in third! Wow. I hope they got the Koch brothers to put up the money for the TV ads or something. No, people want that gritty crime drama stuff instead, and Jake Gyllenhaal's just the guy to give it to them. His End of Watch comes in #1 by a sizeable margin now. On Sunday the #1 and #2 movies were neck and neck at $13 million apiece. Worth the wait for the more specific numbers. Of course, for those of us who've seen one too many David Ayer movies, it might not seem all that fresh and new. Just saying.
Meanwhile, being Jennifer Lawrence is a really good idea right now. Hunger Games, X-Men... but this is where it all pays off: starring in your very own B-movie in between the giant A-list projects. I'd try to just let Elisabeth Shue talk your ear off, though, J. Law. She could be your grandmother, for God's sake! She was big in the 80s, and that was a long, long time ago. Trust your own instincts, girly girl.
And of course, there's Dredd 3D and Paul Thomas Anderson's The Master. Man! Five debuts this week! I hope I never see more than that in a given week!
Meanwhile, being Jennifer Lawrence is a really good idea right now. Hunger Games, X-Men... but this is where it all pays off: starring in your very own B-movie in between the giant A-list projects. I'd try to just let Elisabeth Shue talk your ear off, though, J. Law. She could be your grandmother, for God's sake! She was big in the 80s, and that was a long, long time ago. Trust your own instincts, girly girl.
And of course, there's Dredd 3D and Paul Thomas Anderson's The Master. Man! Five debuts this week! I hope I never see more than that in a given week!
The Fall of the House of Boulle
Or, phasing out, rather. I didn't see his name in the credits of this so-titled "Planet of the Apes" film. Anyway, I must be going around the bend now, because this film seemed to hit me somewhere deep. I tried to write it off as a mere puff piece, but I couldn't! The Chimp-pocalypse is upon us and it's practically unstoppable... even if it is just confined to the Golden Gate Bridge, and points overlooking said bridge from the lush forest a few miles away. I even found myself rooting for the evil "habitat" assistant that you just knew was going to get his just desserts... I'm assuming it was Dodge Landon. Normally, sure, he should get what's coming to him, but this is war! Monkey war. There are no atheists in foxholes, and sometimes you gotta stand with your species. Even the dicks.
That being said, this expensive film does raise some issues. Most pressing of all, why was it in extreme letterbox format on my expensive new HDTV? I'm no longer pining for the old days of watching letterbox DVDs on my old analog TVs anymore. Fill the screen, damn it! Same thing happened with Superman II. It's letterboxed, and got huge black space on the left and right. No. I want the HDTV screen totally filled up. Which might not have been a good idea with Rise of the Planet of the Apes, because the film seems to be shot on digital video of a much grainier variety than usual. Surprising, given that it's the work of Academy Award winner Andrew Lesnie of Lord of the Rings fame. Yeah, that guy! What gives? I know the future of cinema's upon us, and it really will be possible someday to make a whole movie like this on one laptop, but c'mon! Oh, right... guess I forfeit my right to complain.
I should probably delve into the labyrinthine plot. Handsome Renaissance man James Franco, who has done everything from portraying James Dean to the stoner in Pineapple Express, plays the bland protagonist that we relate to here, except that he's a super-brainy scientist who's about to create a drug that stops Alzheimer's disease. Apparently it purges the aluminum from the patient's body or something. Something goes wrong and all the chimps in his experiment have to be destroyed... but one is saved, a newborn named Caesar. And much like the dictator he's named after, Caesar's destined for great things... unlike, say, the monkey in Monkey Shines.
And, continuing the recent trend in movie protagonists, the protagonist can no longer walk away from career and salary to prove a point. Franco stays on at the international drug company where he's employed, despite them totally bitch-slapping him back into place when he gets too Hippocratic on their asses. Meanwhile, his dad (John Lithgow) is living with him and Caesar the chimpanzee. Boy, the Right Wing must be confounded by this movie with this clearly non-traditional family. Franco gets revenge on his corporate masters by sneaking some of the Alzheimer's drug out of the company labs and using it on his ailing father. Father gains clarity once again, and rises like Charly to use his newly sharpened mental faculties to their fullest capacity all the time, mostly on piano. Spoiler alert: alas, it does not last, and Franco tries to relay the bad news to his boss. The boss is only interested in profits, however, and is satisfied if the drug works over the short term. We need a stronger FDA.
While this subplot with the dad is going on, we see Caesar the chimp age over about ten years. Caesar's adolescence arrives with a mighty cinematic climb to the tallest tree in the California redwoods close to the Golden Gate bridge. As this climb occurs, we get a title card at the bottom of the screen for an unusually long time, saying ... I think it said "Caesar: five years old." The sequence also appears to be totally fake, generated by an HP laptop or something. How far we've come in this CGI revolution of ours. Needless to say, if you buy the premise of Caesar doubling as the son Franco never had, well... the filmmakers treat it as serious as a heart attack.
As for me, in addition to the evil chimp caretaker who gets his just desserts, there's also Franco's neighbor with a short fuse who runs afoul of damn, dirty Caesar a couple times. I dare not spoil his ultimate part in this plot, but I can understand his frustration, given the pay cuts in his profession in recent years. The beast is definitely getting starved, and as America slowly becomes a banana republic like its neighbours to the South, we're all too ripe for a primate takeover led by a charismatic chimp. Hell, cougars are taking over abandoned houses in Detroit, right?
***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
That being said, this expensive film does raise some issues. Most pressing of all, why was it in extreme letterbox format on my expensive new HDTV? I'm no longer pining for the old days of watching letterbox DVDs on my old analog TVs anymore. Fill the screen, damn it! Same thing happened with Superman II. It's letterboxed, and got huge black space on the left and right. No. I want the HDTV screen totally filled up. Which might not have been a good idea with Rise of the Planet of the Apes, because the film seems to be shot on digital video of a much grainier variety than usual. Surprising, given that it's the work of Academy Award winner Andrew Lesnie of Lord of the Rings fame. Yeah, that guy! What gives? I know the future of cinema's upon us, and it really will be possible someday to make a whole movie like this on one laptop, but c'mon! Oh, right... guess I forfeit my right to complain.
I should probably delve into the labyrinthine plot. Handsome Renaissance man James Franco, who has done everything from portraying James Dean to the stoner in Pineapple Express, plays the bland protagonist that we relate to here, except that he's a super-brainy scientist who's about to create a drug that stops Alzheimer's disease. Apparently it purges the aluminum from the patient's body or something. Something goes wrong and all the chimps in his experiment have to be destroyed... but one is saved, a newborn named Caesar. And much like the dictator he's named after, Caesar's destined for great things... unlike, say, the monkey in Monkey Shines.
And, continuing the recent trend in movie protagonists, the protagonist can no longer walk away from career and salary to prove a point. Franco stays on at the international drug company where he's employed, despite them totally bitch-slapping him back into place when he gets too Hippocratic on their asses. Meanwhile, his dad (John Lithgow) is living with him and Caesar the chimpanzee. Boy, the Right Wing must be confounded by this movie with this clearly non-traditional family. Franco gets revenge on his corporate masters by sneaking some of the Alzheimer's drug out of the company labs and using it on his ailing father. Father gains clarity once again, and rises like Charly to use his newly sharpened mental faculties to their fullest capacity all the time, mostly on piano. Spoiler alert: alas, it does not last, and Franco tries to relay the bad news to his boss. The boss is only interested in profits, however, and is satisfied if the drug works over the short term. We need a stronger FDA.
While this subplot with the dad is going on, we see Caesar the chimp age over about ten years. Caesar's adolescence arrives with a mighty cinematic climb to the tallest tree in the California redwoods close to the Golden Gate bridge. As this climb occurs, we get a title card at the bottom of the screen for an unusually long time, saying ... I think it said "Caesar: five years old." The sequence also appears to be totally fake, generated by an HP laptop or something. How far we've come in this CGI revolution of ours. Needless to say, if you buy the premise of Caesar doubling as the son Franco never had, well... the filmmakers treat it as serious as a heart attack.
As for me, in addition to the evil chimp caretaker who gets his just desserts, there's also Franco's neighbor with a short fuse who runs afoul of damn, dirty Caesar a couple times. I dare not spoil his ultimate part in this plot, but I can understand his frustration, given the pay cuts in his profession in recent years. The beast is definitely getting starved, and as America slowly becomes a banana republic like its neighbours to the South, we're all too ripe for a primate takeover led by a charismatic chimp. Hell, cougars are taking over abandoned houses in Detroit, right?
***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
Friday, September 21, 2012
You must be THIS manly to watch this movie
William Friedkin once said that the MPAA ratings system is all wrong. Yes, apparently he thinks there should be a rating system to alert less discriminating families that might blame Hollywood for warping their childrens' minds, and maybe he's on to something with his suggestion for giving movies a "D" for dumb. Warrior works hard to avoid earning its 'D', but alas, it seems to merit one. However, for some reason my fragile world was profoundly shaken by an article titled "The Eternal Adolescence of Pop Culture." Just the title, mind you; I didn't actually read the article. Friedkin's system could easily add "A" for adolescent (e.g., every Adam Sandler pic) and "T" for testosterone (e.g., Stallone and Warrior).
At the intersection of Rocky I and The Company Men lives writer/director Gavin O'Connor's Warrior, which replaces boxing with mixed martial arts, and the grassroots beginnings of Rocky with our current Bain-fueled downsizing of America... well, arguably that doesn't change so much. Spoiler alert: I'm going to gleefully trash the movie, so save yourselves now. The Village Voice and The Onion leave me no choice: somebody's got to do it. Let's leave aside for now the director's cameo as the billionaire ex-hedge fund manager who funds the big MMA contest called "Sparta."
This epic drama starts off earnestly enough with Nick Nolte as "Paddy" Conlon, a notorious trainer of fighters back in his heyday, who sacrificed his family life for professional clout. Enter his two unforgiving sons: one Tommy Riordan/Conlon (Tom Hardy of Dark Knight Rises fame), a childless pill-popping Iraq war deserter who's a hell of a fighter, and one Brendan Conlon (Joel Edgerton), a married with kids high school physics teacher who was a hell of a fighter once upon a time, but who is driven to taking up the pastime once again for economic reasons. Usually the hero in the movie gives the prize money to charity, but the recession has finally come to Hollywood, at least to a few films.
The two Conlon boys reconnect with Dad but choose not to forgive him for the sins of the past. Nolte sees his grandkids from afar and is reminded by Brendan to contact either via phone or mail. As for Tommy, well, it seems that all could have been forgiven if Dad would just have a damn drink. Dad's 1000 days sober, so he chooses not to. This leads to fresh enmity, but Tommy still needs a trainer for the big fight, and Dad's the best, so he'll do it Dad's way, but Dad's still not forgiven. At least, not for now.
Now, you might be thinking to yourself, as I did... is this where this mess is headed? The two brothers are going to end up in the ring together? I hate to ruin it for you, but making a movie is still an expensive venture these days, despite digital video, and really, wouldn't it be just as bad if they didn't end up in the ring together? My viewing companion couldn't take it, and they fast-forwarded through the big final fight scene. As for me, I'm even more stand-offish. I still take to heart what that one Simpsons episode did to the mixed martial arts phenomenon, showing it as the result of our increasingly separate culture: streets empty, every guy at home glued to the set, watching two beefy guys pound each other with more freedom than boxers until the tendons in their legs get broken. I don't care for the sport that much. My viewing companion was a little more discerning and pointed out that the guys that Brendan were taking on were younger, stronger, faster... but you know how it is. They're not the protagonist, so they must lose, and rather redundantly, IMHO. Always with that arm move. And you know why Brandon's coach uses Beethoven to train his men? Because it's classy, and the sport by itself could use a little.
Some of the drama rings true, and Nolte was nominated for his gruff performance. For a second, I thought maybe it was Josh Hartnett with prosthetics. It was just that good! Nolte hits his high note when he finally takes to the bottle again. At least the filmmakers didn't go down the route of having Nolte appear at ringside when in fact he died of a heart attack a few minutes before backstage.
**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Speaking of birds............
ACT ONE
We start with the boys in work mode. Well, they are getting older and they're getting tired of starting things off running from the cops. For fans of good audio work, notice the voluptuous sounding footsteps as they walk in on the paper on the floor. They're getting ready to wallpaper a room, but they always manage to find time and reasons for their patented physical abuse. Moe's foot seems to get pre-hurt by the load Curly drops near it at about 0:41. Fortunately, the "boss" comes in, a Mr. Beedle, and the Stooges calm down a bit. Curly takes a liking to that tasty wallpaper paste, adding salt and pepper to it. Lol. Mr. Beedle seems concerned, asking Moe if they're sure that they're experienced paperhands. Moe says yes in so many words, and Beedle goes on his merry way, out into the hall. He is immediately set upon by the gaunt Nikko, saying "The Master wishes to see you." No, not the new Paul Thomas Anderson one, but similar.
Enter Vernon Dent, the mad Professor Panzer who seems to have gotten detoured on his way from Germany to Argentina. He has a habit of asking people what size hat they wear. You'll find out why. He most definitely freaks out Fred MacMurray... I mean, Mr. Beedle at about 1:37. Panzer quickly runs Beedle through Holland... I mean, gets Beedle out of the room when Igor the Ape makes a grab for him, saying "Sorry you're leaving, Mr. Beedle..." Pretty slick! Nikko asks for the audience's sake what Panzer plans to do with this guy in a gorilla suit... I mean, gorilla. Panzer is going to be famous for the first human brain transplant into a gorilla. Sheesh! If you want to be famous, why not run for President like Romney? And yet, the field of interspecies brain transplants to this day languishes on the sidelines. Go figure. But no matter what Vernon Dent plays, be it a judge with a short fuse, a Texan who finds out he's going to be a Stooge in-law, or a mad European professor as in the instant case, he always manages to work in a "E...." wherever he can. For example, he asks Nikko what size hat he wears, saying "E... what size hat do you wear, Nikko?" at about 2:30. It's subtle, but hardcore Stooge fans depend upon it.
Back to the Stooges unleashing wave after wave of physical abuse upon each other. I wonder why they never made a film where they're just sitting in chairs, reading a newspaper? Larry ruins a perfectly good ladder on Moe's neck, while Curly runs afoul of an especially curled up bit of wallpaper. Final score: Wallpaper 3, Curly 0. It gets worse. Moe trips over a plank and orders Larry to "stand it up out of the way." Larry stands the plank up but it falls back down. The plank must've hypnotized Larry because Larry hears the thudding of wood, but doesn't think to look behind himself to check it out. Moe tells Larry to stand the damn plank up! Plank: 1, Larry: 0. The same thing happens. Again note the voluptuous footsteps of Larry. Plank: 2, Larry: 0. Moe stands the plank up himself. Now, the only thing that saved Larry was that he was well out of the plank's way when it fell. Moe stands the plank up but stays within striking distance. The plank, however, doesn't fall this time! Remember that anecdote that Hitchcock told about the ticking time bomb under the table? Same dynamic here... or maybe it's more of a Wile E. Coyote situation. Well, Moe's about to put the hurt on Larry, but the plank comes to Larry's aid before things get too out of Moe's hand. Moe is subdued by the plank. Larry runs over to Curly, saying "Hey! We better get busy, he's plenty sore."
And get busy they do, which brings us to the sequence that my family and I use to this day, usually Larry's line, believe it or not. Curly and Larry hastily take a piece of wet wallpaper and press it to the wall... with Moe under it. They get to the bulge in the paper with Moe and are confused. Curly says "Hey, that piece is lumpy!" Larry goes in for a closer look, exclaiming "Say! This wallpaper's got eyes!" And they say imprinting is just for ducks. I beg to differ, scientific community. They eventually figure out that it's Moe, and Moe gets some swift revenge, hitting the other two chuckleheads several times with the paste brush.
ACT TWO
Cross-fade to a returning Mr. Beedle, who has trouble opening the door of the room. Lol. He eventually opens the door to reveal his nightmare. Alas, he's all too awake. This scene is unusual because the Stooges don't usually take pride in doing a crappy job on something, as they do here. We feel Mr. Beedle's pain as he pulls pieces of crooked wallpaper from the wall that shouldn't be that easy to pull. Ideally, wallpaper doesn't instill in you the idea to tug at it, unless you're very young like Bart Simpson. Two ladders and a window are covered with wallpaper! LOL. Moe is in an unshakable state of bliss, and does all but ask to get paid. Mr. Beedle fires the Stooges and threatens to tear them limb from limb. Fortunately for the Stooges, Mr. Beedle is walking on invisible ice, and he slide-walks out of the room through the other door that the Stooges gladly hold open for him.
Time to run! What Stooge film would be complete without the Stooges running from someone? Into the laboratory they go. Moe calls Curly a "bird brain," and... yup. Enter Vernon Dent who takes an immediate shine to Curly's bald head. Is Curly the small-brained Chosen One that Vernon's been lazily looking for? Sure is!!!
Vernon gets to work applying various head tests, forgoing his usual test for hat size. A stethoscope applied to Curly's cranium has surprisingly catchy results, as does the xylophone / hammer test. Vernon is still quite pleased, saying that Curly's "just what I want." Larry asks the crucial question: "What do we get?" Curly sees through Vernon's legal-ese answer of being surrounded by luxury "as long as they live." I found Moe's resulting exchange confusing as a youth, as he addresses Curly, then the professor in rapid succession.
Next scene: the mad professor shows the Stooges to their 'quarters', then locks them in. As the boys look for a way out, they hear a mighty snarl from the next room, and huddle close together out of fear. Moe tries to figure out how they got into this mess in the first place. Well, it all started in 1934 or so... more immediately, Curly says "The man liked my looks! N'yuk, n'yuk, n'yuk"... so vain. Moe's reaction walks a fine line between disgust and happiness. Then, the professor's wording is revisited... at which point, Moe panics, and the boys start with the running again. Stage Left to the window, only to find it barred. Stage Right to the door. Larry tries a key, but Moe prefers the brute force method. He tries twice to knock it down, but finds it's too strong for his meager efforts. They walk away from the door, and the camera dollies back. I'm telling you: this is rare! Suddenly... it's time to switch to Pt. 2 on YouTube... I mean, suddenly... the door they were just trying to open opens! Larry's too busy bemoaning his sorry state of affairs. "I don't like it, if you ask me!" exclaims Larry in his frustration. "Well, nobody asked ya!" barks Moe. Moe takes charge of the conversation as the gorilla appears... I mean, Igor, the Beast of the Jungle. Is this creature not deserving of his own 50's black and white B-movie? A series, even?
As Igor approaches the Stooges, the conversation conveniently drifts towards the subject of fear. Curly has a nice line: "It's silly to be scared!... boy, am I silly!" And then, another one of these mistaken identity situations that the Stooges so often find themselves in. Just the thing to stretch out the time of this pic. Moe eventually reaches for what he thinks is Curly, but instead grabs a big handful of gorilla fur. Moe says "Hey, Curly.... have you got a fur coat on?" Well, it's better than the old "pink tie" routine. You know: "Were you wearing a pink tie? No? Well, here's your ear back." Effing hilarious. Anyway, the Stooges eventually see the gorilla and, much like Leo, dives under the bed for cover. Igor the gorilla starts going nuts at that point, jumping up and down on the bed. It's an inspired performance, needless to say, even though it doubles as another time stretcher. Igor's foot gets caught, and the Stooges dive out from under the bed. Professor Panzer comes to the rescue, unlocking the door. Now, some of you might be thinking: aren't the Stooges going to give the Professor the what-for for locking them in that room? And you'd be right. But, this is a Stooge short, and the two guiding principles of Stooge shorts overrule all logic: time and budget. In this case, it's still about halfway through the pic, and we're going to stick with the devil we've met.
Next scene: The lab again. Damn. I so wanted to use the phrase "Meanwhile, back at the lab..." Curly stands behind the screen of an "X-Ray Fluoroscope." Time for some animation courtesy of the great Tex Avery, I've read someplace. Moe stupidly grins at his own cleverness at about 3:06 or so. There's a cuckoo clock in Curly's head. The cuckoo's working, but for some reason, Vernon has to put a stop to it. He hits Curly on the head nice and hard with another mallet, but only the cuckoo's affected. Must've been a rather precise concussion.
At this point, the Professor lays out the situation for the boys. Larry finally gets some decent lines during this part. When the Stooges finally put two and two together, realizing that it's Curly's brain the Professor wants... TIME TO RUN! A mighty chase ensues. For me, perhaps the most interesting part of it is at about 3:50 when Moe and Vernon run head on into each other. Moe starts to run right smack into Vernon again, but turns around just in the nick of time. Vernon barely flinches as he regains momentum... okay, maybe not. Meanwhile, Larry runs around the X-Ray by himself. Lol. X-Ray: 1, Larry: 0. Curly trips up the professor with a bottle. As the professor flies into the air, we hear a strange twanging sound. We've heard this in an earlier Stooge short, but other than that it's rare. Vernon lands ass first on an open pair of dentures, crying "Ouch!" twice. This has to be one of his best performances. Moe looks at Vernon and says "Ha ha ha, you faw down!" Vernon tries backing Moe against a wall, but is outmaneuvered. Vernon hits the wall and dislodges a strange looking breakaway beaker which hits him on the head. What a Stooge.
Next scene: the boys finally leave the lab, run back down the hall, into the room with Igor. Moseph and Lawrence are on door duty, while Curly's away from the door. Igor's behind Moe and Larry, and Curly points and screams "EEEEEEEEE!" Seriously! Just like that! To cut to the chase... I know, I'm sorry. I thought I liked this one; I guess I'm just not so eager to dissect it all that much. Curly ends up alone with the gorilla. The gorilla takes a shine to Curly. Curly picks up on this and says "I bet you do that to all the boys, especially if you're going to get their brain!"
ACT THREE
Moe and Larry hide in a nook just off the main hallway. The professor comes to, and runs down the hall the other way. This leads to one of the great exchanges between Moe and Larry from 4:57 on. Everyone's favorite part, of course, is the second move Moe describes: the "infilterate" and the noise it makes. Moe gets too carried away, and Larry has to rein him in. Meanwhile, Curly and Igor are bonding some more. They barely stay one step ahead of the Professor thanks to Igor's spidey sense... or something. Curly and Igor meet up again with Moe and Larry. Moe tries to get Curly to get rid of Igor, but Curly says "No! He's my pal!" Is this not one for the ages?
Apparently the Stooges just don't know when they're locked in a room or not. The professor tells Nikko... remember him? He's back! "They're locked in the laboratory, the fools," the professor tells Nikko. "I'll use the secret entrance. Get the gun!" As the professor prepares to wreak havoc on the Stooges, Curly and Igor are wreaking a little havoc of their own. They're trying to find a good smelling ingredient in the lab, but can't find a one. They treat test tubes and other miscellaneous containers like salt, throwing them as hard as they can over their shoulder. Igor throws one, and Curly says "Hey! You're smart!" Moe tries to calm them down in his usual violent manner, but Igor intervenes on Curly's behalf. Igor grabs Curly's hand and puts it to Moe's face. Curly obliges by hitting Moe as hard as he can. Moe tries striking back, but Igor won't have any of it. This could change the Stooge dynamic as we know it!
Back to the professor who has his gun, and heads for the "secret entrance" to the lab. Now, as your average hardcore Stooge fan knows, the part from about 7:03 to 7:56 was cut out of some versions of this film. Fortunately, YouTube's got the missing footage. It's Igor partaking of some grain alcohol. If you have young children viewing this part, you might want to explain to them what grain alcohol is, then tell them to wait when they're older to try it. It might work. Curly tries to explain to Igor that it's wrong, but he drinks from the same bottle just the same, with much the same reaction of the gorilla. So like people. Steam shoots from Curly's ears and we hear chirping birds. When I watched this as a kid, my viewing companions and I wondered what that chirping noise was as Vernon enters the lab. And now we know! What's childhood without a little mystery?
And so... the big stand-off. If only the Stooges had their own machine guns to protect themselves... sorry, sorry. Alas, the Stooges must rely on their lack of wits rather than be the only pistol-packing non-cowboy comedy trio in cinema history. I still can't figure out what Curly says at 8:12 or so. Must be a New Deal thing. Anyway, Vernon aims and fires his first hundred bullets. The Stooges crouch down, and bottles on shelves break. Vernon stops firing, and moves in for a better shot. Igor rises up and grabs the machine gun. Reminds me! I meant to review Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Oh, I'll never get to that one. Vernon tries to get Igor to not fire the gun, but Igor can't help himself. Igor starts firing that gun, and lemme tell you, hell hath no fury like a gorilla with a machine gun. Vernon suffers some decidedly uncomic bullet wounds in his lower back, while the Stooges get comic bullets in their collective asses / lower back region. More bottles break.
EPILOGUE
The Stooges find an opportunity to escape, and escape the lab, while Igor keeps firing the machine gun. We see the Stooges run down the hall. Curly doubles back to get Igor, tired and shagged out from a long day of firing the ol' machine gun. Curly and Igor eventually wander down the hall, hand in hand, into Stooge short history.
****
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
Auteur Watch - Antonia Bird
Yes, Antonia Bird hacked her way through British TV in the 80s to get to feature films in the 90s. After Priest, it was time to conquer the American market with 1995's Mad Love starring pre-Batman Forever Drew Barrymore and Chris O'Donnell. After that came and went, Bird's agent decided that her titles were too wordy, so it was back to the one word titles, and so came 1997's Face and 1999's Ravenous.
As for most of us, the 2000s were about plunging ourselves back into our work as we tried to ignore the Supreme Court-appointed President of the majority of that decade, and Bird sank into a return-to-TV-directing depression for most of that time. With titles like Care and Rehab, is this not a cry for help? But the 2010s are looking up with what seems to be another stab at the silver screen proper called Cross My Mind. Sounds like a story fraught with the promise of tasteful sex scenes. Let's hope that the digital video isn't too streaky during the more crucial scenes. A toast to Antonia Bird!
Underworld vs. Resident Evil: Which Kicks More Ass?
I tell you darling, looking at the Variety Top 100 is too depressing. So many obscure titles, interspersed with the non-obscure ones, such as The Hunger Games in 50th place with $400 million in the bank. Better to narrow our focus to just ten. Speaking of which, the struggle of dominance between the Underworld franchise and the Resident Evil franchise continues unabated. So far, Resident Evil's winning 5-4, if you don't count 2011's Underworld: Endless War which you shouldn't. I mean, Laura Harris seems like a nice girl, but she's hardly a replacement for the Selena we all know and love. On the other hand, Underworld's not based on a video game. It just seems an awful lot like one. I think that should count for something. One thing's for sure: both franchises should enjoy this time while it lasts, as they will both soon be battling middle age and graying hair. Or is it just me? Thought so.
The only other new film this week is the latest re-release of Finding Nemo. What does that say about our cinematic tastes? Have we learned NOTHING in the past ten years? What we seem to have learned is that today's cinema isn't as good as last decade's fare. This, despite the fact that they hadn't perfected chrome reflection effects by the time Pixar finished Finding Nemo. The slow creep towards replacing flesh and blood actors continues unabated, but we're only human and we yearn for the familiar clunkiness of the recent past.
The only other new film this week is the latest re-release of Finding Nemo. What does that say about our cinematic tastes? Have we learned NOTHING in the past ten years? What we seem to have learned is that today's cinema isn't as good as last decade's fare. This, despite the fact that they hadn't perfected chrome reflection effects by the time Pixar finished Finding Nemo. The slow creep towards replacing flesh and blood actors continues unabated, but we're only human and we yearn for the familiar clunkiness of the recent past.
Keanu's Crime
Time to spit out a blurb about this one. Where to begin? Henry's Crime might be the kind of thing Keanu would've made between Matrix sequels. Or maybe it's too indie for that, who knows. But like John Cusack, Keanu's approaching 50 and he can't play the Bill and Ted parts forever. Still, something about the plight of the Henry in this movie that makes me lose faith in humanity. Are our lives really that empty?
Take Henry's sad case study, for example. He's married to a pleasant enough girl: devoted, a good cook, and she wants a baby. Or is that ... but she wants a baby? Trapped in the non-exciting, anti-Speed life of a toll booth attendant, his only excitement comes in the form of Fisher Stevens, apparently his old high school bully. Spoiler alert: Keanu gets arrested for driving a car that morphs into a getaway car. He doesn't rat out his friends, and he gladly serves jail time for his part in the crime. Think Let's Go to Prison as a comedy. If you can get past this conceit, well... you're in for more of this movie, let's put it that way.
While in prison, Keanu bonds with cellmate James Caan. After Keanu's released, he goes to visit Caan, and provides a twist on the scene in Thief where Willie Nelson tells Caan to get him out of prison. Keanu tells Caan that he has to get out of prison, despite Caan's time honored ritual of freaking out his parole board.
At some point, Keanu reveals his life decision to Caan: since he was charged with robbing the bank, it's time to actually rob it. A crew is formed in a novel way, hopefully.
Now, for the best conceit of all... the bank is next door to a theater. There's an old tunnel between the theater and the bank. (Tyler Perry's The Ladykillers, anyone?) They need an inside man to act in the big Chekhov play being put on in the theater. Why not Keanu? Why not, some of you haters out there might be asking. Oh, don't you lie to me! I know you're out there in the dark, hating on my man Keanu here. Some of you call him the worst actor of his generation, or of any generation, for that matter. But he was forged in the fires of Lebanon, my friends. That's gotta be worth something! And he burned his way to the national stage with the help of such films as Bill and Ted, Point Break, and others, I'm sure. Is this not his chance to prove to the world that he can act on a stage?
As much as I hate to critique the play within the movie... I guess he nails it? While he sidesteps the problem of a Russian accent by not doing one, he seems to hit the proper accents... at least, as well as he can. And as one of my viewing companions pointed out, he improves his love life going from Judy Greer to Vera Farmiga, does he not? As in Up in the Air, Vera once again proves she's one of the boys, and a damn decent stage actress within the movie to boot. I enjoyed Fisher Stevens' just desserts probably a little more than I should have. I probably had some other brilliant points to make, but ultimately, this was about 1.75 hours of my life I will cherish forever. Oh yeah, and ... spoiler alert... there's yet another CGI car crash here where a car appears out of nowhere, knocking somebody well out of frame. Scary Movie 3 had a couple, Kick-Ass had one, Ghost Town starts with one, there's that Stephen King thing with Pierce Brosnan where his wife gets hit by a bus, that's a dramatic example... ooh! Scary Movie 4 had at least one! I don't know, I didn't see the whole thing. I gotta go. Bedtime.
p.s. If you can find that Spy Magazine article about the curse of movies with Henry in the title... well, I don't have extra funds for a contest lying around. Needles to say, this movie might well be added to that list.
**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
Take Henry's sad case study, for example. He's married to a pleasant enough girl: devoted, a good cook, and she wants a baby. Or is that ... but she wants a baby? Trapped in the non-exciting, anti-Speed life of a toll booth attendant, his only excitement comes in the form of Fisher Stevens, apparently his old high school bully. Spoiler alert: Keanu gets arrested for driving a car that morphs into a getaway car. He doesn't rat out his friends, and he gladly serves jail time for his part in the crime. Think Let's Go to Prison as a comedy. If you can get past this conceit, well... you're in for more of this movie, let's put it that way.
While in prison, Keanu bonds with cellmate James Caan. After Keanu's released, he goes to visit Caan, and provides a twist on the scene in Thief where Willie Nelson tells Caan to get him out of prison. Keanu tells Caan that he has to get out of prison, despite Caan's time honored ritual of freaking out his parole board.
At some point, Keanu reveals his life decision to Caan: since he was charged with robbing the bank, it's time to actually rob it. A crew is formed in a novel way, hopefully.
Now, for the best conceit of all... the bank is next door to a theater. There's an old tunnel between the theater and the bank. (Tyler Perry's The Ladykillers, anyone?) They need an inside man to act in the big Chekhov play being put on in the theater. Why not Keanu? Why not, some of you haters out there might be asking. Oh, don't you lie to me! I know you're out there in the dark, hating on my man Keanu here. Some of you call him the worst actor of his generation, or of any generation, for that matter. But he was forged in the fires of Lebanon, my friends. That's gotta be worth something! And he burned his way to the national stage with the help of such films as Bill and Ted, Point Break, and others, I'm sure. Is this not his chance to prove to the world that he can act on a stage?
As much as I hate to critique the play within the movie... I guess he nails it? While he sidesteps the problem of a Russian accent by not doing one, he seems to hit the proper accents... at least, as well as he can. And as one of my viewing companions pointed out, he improves his love life going from Judy Greer to Vera Farmiga, does he not? As in Up in the Air, Vera once again proves she's one of the boys, and a damn decent stage actress within the movie to boot. I enjoyed Fisher Stevens' just desserts probably a little more than I should have. I probably had some other brilliant points to make, but ultimately, this was about 1.75 hours of my life I will cherish forever. Oh yeah, and ... spoiler alert... there's yet another CGI car crash here where a car appears out of nowhere, knocking somebody well out of frame. Scary Movie 3 had a couple, Kick-Ass had one, Ghost Town starts with one, there's that Stephen King thing with Pierce Brosnan where his wife gets hit by a bus, that's a dramatic example... ooh! Scary Movie 4 had at least one! I don't know, I didn't see the whole thing. I gotta go. Bedtime.
p.s. If you can find that Spy Magazine article about the curse of movies with Henry in the title... well, I don't have extra funds for a contest lying around. Needles to say, this movie might well be added to that list.
**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
The Loneliness of the Long Distance Wrestler
Giamatti brings his skills to this indie sports pic called Win Win. Like most industrious Americans these days, he works two part time jobs: one as the town lawyer in a small New Jersey town, the other as a high school wrestling coach. But money troubles are starting to weigh him down, and a chance to supplement his income comes in the form of caring for elderly friend of Sylvester Stallone, and Rodney Dangerfield's long suffering chauffeur in Back to School, Burt Young. The circumstances are a tad conflict-of-interest-y to say the least, but they're safely buried in court documents. But then... the need for the truth to be revealed arrives in the form of Kyle, the greatest high school wrestler of all time. Giamatti has two best friends: Vig played by Hank Kingsley... I mean, Jeffrey Tambor, and Peter Pan as football jock Terry Delfino played by Tony Danza... I mean, Bobby Cannavale. Kyle can't live with his mom because she's a drug addict. She's played by Melanie Lynskey, the other star of Heavenly Creatures, as the sweetest drug addict mother who seems to show no signs of an addiction problem other than poor taste in wardrobe and a slight temper. Giamatti has his cake and eats it for a while. The team becomes something with Kyle at the helm, and money problems are staved off for now. But eventually the whole house of cards comes crashing down. Sorry, spoiler alert. Fortunately for us, no story thread is left unresolved. Croquet is eventually played, and Giamatti quits both jobs to pursue his fallback job mentioned in the movie. You'll have to find out that part for yourself. (What's the opposite of spoiler alert?)
***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
Saturday, September 08, 2012
Beer Barrel Polka or Masochism Tango?
ACT ONE
Where was I? Oh yes. Beer Barrel Polecats. The Three Polecats... I mean, Stooges, pine for the lost Prohibition of yester-decade. They step out of a bar / floor show and, in a clever bit of screenwriting, Larry sets the scene by saying "This is the 16th place we've been in!" Apparently, they're unable to get drunk. But then... after much waiting, Curly gets an idea. Instinctively, Moe says "Shaddup, I don't want to hear it." Then he says "What is it?"
Next scene: the boys are making their own beer. Pardon us. The camera pulls back as it focuses on their instruction manual. Good focus pulling! My complements to the cameraman. Now... how to make the making of beer funny? Spoiler alert: here's the strategy they employ. Moe reads the instructions and mispronounces the words. Sounds like he's been having a few already! Larry takes it upon himself to correct Moe, which Moe's not too happy about, but not angry enough to beat Larry for it. Curly's in charge of the hot water. Will you stop thinking ahead already? Curly goes over to the tap and starts gathering the hot water. He has trouble folding his arms from 1:37 onward. See? Every stroke has a silver lining. Back to Moe and Larry who dump giant cans of chocolate-syrup-grade malt into a giant... cylinder? How much did all THAT stuff cost? Wonder what other Columbia pic they stole it from?
To reiterate, putting Curly in charge of the hot... well, hot anything, really... you might as well put a pyromaniac in charge of the Fire Department. Especially if it's privatized! You'll have plenty of business in no time! Anyway, Curly takes it upon himself to pour the hot water. Needles to say, he misses his target by about a mile, and all the hot water goes right down Moe's back. There's something gratuitous about the shot of the water pouring out of Moe's pants legs at about 2:01. In case you're worried about Moe's safety, relax. They were on a shoestring budget and couldn't afford that much hot water. Curly apologizes, but it does nothing to calm down Moe. Moe lets fly with a punch, but Curly ducks out of the way, and Moe hits Larry right in the middle of his forehead. DOWN GOES LARRY! Seriously, these films seem to be taking a toll on Larry.
Meanwhile, Moe puts Curly on mop duty. Moe throws the mop to Curly and, much like in Boobs in Arms, and to a lesser extent, Dizzy Pilots, Curly starts moving the mop like a rifle. Curly does an about face, and the camera gets slowed down to about 12 fps, meaning the action goes twice as fast. Must've been a real mop, not a prop mop, so Moe slowly gets hit with the mop. Moe goes in for an eye poke but the mop stops his fingers. He then goes in for the ol' single-single which always gets the job done. Of course, when Stan Laurel pokes Ollie in the eye in The Music Box, for example, he relies on sleight of nose for the illusion that his finger goes into Ollie's eye... I hope. But the scene's not over yet, folks. Larry's recovering from his punch to the forehead, only to get stabbed in the stomach with Curly's mop handle. Curly and Larry have a Mexican standoff now. Curly befuddles Larry by barking right in his face. Larry gives Curly a nice meaty shove in the face, but he's standing on the mop like an idiot and he falls right on his ass. Cross-fade to next scene... really? That was weird!
Next scene: the violence has calmed down, and the boys are now working together on this bold brew experiment. Moe and Curly are on pour duty, while Larry's on stir duty. Curly dumps a can of water into the cylindrical beer cauldron and throws it away Stage Left. Lol. Now for the next ingredient: three cakes of yeast. Just then, the phone rings. It's a subtle comic dance here, but for some reason I think of the big finale of 1996's Multiplicity... is that sexist of me? Probably. For some reason, the problem of baboons crossing the rope bridge comes to mind, but that's only because that's all I remember of that damn Tanenbaum book. Where were we? So Moe puts in three cakes of yeast, then he seems to start eating the wrapping they came in. Sounds crunchy! Larry comes over and says that the phone call's for Moe, so Moe goes over to the phone. Larry throws in his two cents... I mean, three yeast cakes. This also serves to stretch out the running time of the pic, incidentally. Curly, unaware of the whole point of homemade microbrews, throws in his three yeast cakes, STILL WRAPPED, then wads up the paper bag they were in and throws that into the brew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF. The boys go to get the beer bottles. Cross-fade to the foreboding cauldron which starts bubbling over. The boys return just in time to witness this mayhem, gently put down the bottles, and go over to try and quell this tempest in a teapot. They try bailing it out like their boat from ... what was that one? Booby Dupes! That's it!
Cross-fade to more bailing out. Lol. And then... Curly's got ANOTHER IDEA! He gets a big burlap sack and Moe starts ladling foam into it. Moe suddenly realizes the futility of this and bonks Curly on the head... which gives Curly another idea. Meanwhile, Larry gets a suitcase from the other room. Moe must be tired of hitting heads because surely that's a little worse. And then... Curly saves the day by wheeling in a bathtub. Finally! Someone's ripping off the Stooges for a change. After all, you can get 50 bathtubs for $3000! Curly's beaming with pride and calls the bathtub his "brain child." Larry then says the best line he'll probably have in this one: "At last you got a brain, child." Larry pours the full suitcase into the tub, and the rest follows.
ACT TWO
For once, the Stooges eschew the standard time limits on the Three Act structure, as the drama of homemade beer has some more plot twists left. Screenwriters take note: the way they work the over-yeasting back into the plot is nothing short of lucid genius. At about 6:02 they... well, you really gotta see it for yourself. Alpha-Larry starts laying into Curly, but he's no match for Curly's stomach. Larry gets knocked Stage Right right out of camera view and... yup, much like Moe in Dizzy Pilots, Larry's body ends up in the entire brew. Well, his legs are still dangling over the side, but Moe pulls Larry up by his armstraps and gets his shoes into the mix where they sorely belong. Look fast, but you can see that Moe winces from the splash before laying into Curly at about 6:13.
Next scene: a few weeks later, and Curly's pounding the last bottle cap into place. The Stooges were meant for feature length, my friends! The apartment's positively filled with full bottles of beer, about as full as Ollie's house in Helpmates was full of empty bottles. Then we see a rather ominous stack of beer bottles next to an open flame. Back to the Stooges, basking in their entrepreneurial glory. A brief massive frame blow-up of Lawrence at about 6:44 before he trots out the moldy old "burnt toast and a rotten egg" line. See, they're already planning a celebratory lunch. But before they count their chickens for lunch, there's a resounding BOOM! from Stage Right. Back over to the bottles stacked up and pointed metaphorically at the Stooges, as they start shooting beer at the boys. Guess they didn't add enough BHT or tocopherols to make their microbrew more suitable for long-term storage. You know how it is. Completely helpless in the face of nature's alchemy, the boys get slaughtered with onslaught after onslaught of delicious, foamy beer. Cross-fade to next scene, where they're in jail? That was quick.
Time for some slapdash screenwriting plastering. The threesome is in the same jail cell because Curly tried selling a bottle of beer to a damn dirty Pinkerton. Even in post-Prohibition the Coors and whatnots put their foot down on the little guy trying to make a few measly bucks. Hmm! Curly seems to have a huge spare tire under his coat... why, it's a Donkey Kong-esque beer barrel hanging from his suspenders! Cool! The jail time will pass by like (snaps fingers) that. Just then, a cop takes the Stooges from their cell. Curly says his barrel is a "goiter." Fortunately, with his big coat, it looks a lot less barrel-like.
Next scene: the jail photo room, where the boys are going to get yet another official jail photo taken of them. The photographer moves the hot light closer to Curly's barrel/stomach. Curly says "Gee, it's hot in here. I hope the beer don't spoil!" That's planning, innit? Sure enough... a great rumbling rises from Curly's stomach. "Be still, my heart," says Curly. Lol. The rumbling continues. The photographer gets ready to snap the picture, but sure enough, the beer explodes before the bright light flashes. Their picture's going to look like Niagara Falls.
There's more. The cop says "I'LL HANG YOU FOR THIS!" For wacky aggravated assault with some barrel beer? Hardly seems like the punishment fits the crime, but it'll have to, as it's time to segue into In the Sweet Pie and Pie, where Larry says "They can't hang us!" Ooh! Good segue!
An unintentional bonus: Curly smuggled in some saws, and when asked how, he says "I saved bottle tops!"
ACT THREE
Now it's So Long, Mr. Chumps. Note the Stooges new prison IDs. Off to the rock pile. Why, they don't even get time to play Iron Ball Bowling! Those butchers at the editing deck... Time to revisit their old mission of finding Prisoner #41144. Any help, Pittacus Lore? Oh, I guess their numbers don't go that high.
I probably didn't notice it before, but I'll mention it here. At about 5:33, you can barely see the edit, but they swap out the paint sandwich for something less toxic... I hope. Less toxic, but worse than Depression Era lunchmeat. I would also like to point out 7:00 where a dude gets repeatedly hit with a paint brush, making the same thwacking noise. Other than that, I'm just too disgusted with this Stooge lunchmeat. They even make the mistake of not ending the film with the fake rock/real rock 4th-wall busting gag! It's back to the original conceit.
EPILOGUE
Slightly similar to the ending of Laurel and Hardy's Pardon Us... okay, maybe not that similar at all. And arguably, Laurel and Hardy did it better, but I might as well give the Stooges their due. The Stooges get out of prison after many, many years (spoiler alert: 40), and you can tell, because they're acting all old and have long, grey beards. At least Moe's is neatly trimmed... sheesh. Warden Vernon Dent tells them goodbye personally, and he sounds like ... like... damn my feeble memory.. Walter Brennan! That's it! Time clearly hasn't been kind to him either. He tells the Stooges "Hurry back!" Lol.
As with anyone who gets out of prison, it's time to think about how to celebrate your new found freedom. Curly starts, and expresses his wish for a nice tall bottle of beer... wrong choice. Maybe he should've said "mug" or "pint" instead. Either way, the damage is done. Moe slowly pokes Curly in the eyes, and Larry slowly swings his clenched fist around to hit Curly in the stomach. Moe and Lawrence return Curly to the jail the same way they came out. Must be one of those funny jails. Moe and Larry wander off Stage Right, and Moe tells Larry where they can find a couple "beautiful blondes." They wish.
***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
Auteur Watch - Michael Mann
Why not that guy, then? The man Russell Crowe described as a "force of nature," and I probably don't need to tell you that that's high praise. I hate to think what that makes Ridley Scott, on the other hand. If I had to guess, however, I'm sure Mann's favorite decade must've been the 80s, like most of us. People weren't afraid to try new things during that time, like The Keep. Sounds like a bit of a Raiders of the Lost Ark sequel, except the Ark's in a castle... something like that. And a guy could make a whole movie soundtrack with just one Roland synthesizer. In the 50s, all you needed was a flute and some bongos. Of course, the 90s saw Mann's growth into a full blown auteur with Last of the Mohicans, Heat and The Insider. The 2000s weren't as groundbreaking, but Mann did try to cut costs with HD videotape instead of film with decidedly mixed results. There's not as much blurring these days, but it's still a prevalent menace.
The 2010s must be a pain in the ass with the shutting down of production on Luck, an HBO series. At one point he had multiple irons in the fire on his IMDb page, but they've all been cleared away for clarity's sake. Maybe the IMDb professional site has more, but I'm too cheap to find out. Besides, it's close to retiring time, and time to usher in the next generation of Manns. First up: Ami Canaan Mann, an aspiring director in her own right. And she's not going to screw the pooch like David Lynch's daughter did! No way, no how!
The 2010s must be a pain in the ass with the shutting down of production on Luck, an HBO series. At one point he had multiple irons in the fire on his IMDb page, but they've all been cleared away for clarity's sake. Maybe the IMDb professional site has more, but I'm too cheap to find out. Besides, it's close to retiring time, and time to usher in the next generation of Manns. First up: Ami Canaan Mann, an aspiring director in her own right. And she's not going to screw the pooch like David Lynch's daughter did! No way, no how!
Wednesday, September 05, 2012
Still phony after all these years
ACT ONE
All is not well at Radio KGBY. A blind man can see that. That the Stooges work there as repairmen is mere icing on this cake of doom. We hear Larry and Curly grunting away as they work. If I'm not mistaken, the audio gets repeated once... sigh. It starts at 0:23, and repeats at 0:28. Whoever did the editing timed it just right! Good work. We get a close-up of just Moe scolding the other two... dang! He's lookin' older. Moe lifts Larry up by his hair, and Larry and Curly switch positions. Now, either Moe's the brain of the three, or Larry and Curly have nothing better to do... probably a little of both. Moe gets a wrench dropped on his foot and starts hopping around. Before Larry and Curly get a chance to do some dancing of their own, Moe slips on a piece of pipe, flies through the air, and lands back-of-the-head first into a radiator. Meanwhile, actress / classically trained singer Christine McIntyre starts singing Strauss's Frühlingsstimmen (Voices of Spring). Thanks for the assist, IMDb. I knew you'd know it! Moe thinks he's dead and says "Hey boys! I must be dead! I hear an angel singing!" He should be so lucky. The song helps stretch out the running time of the pic. Moe pretends to play the flute, Larry the piano. Curly says "My! N'yuk n'yuk n'yuk. Ain't she pretty!" Moe says "Boy, you can say that again." Curly does. Moe slaps Curly, but protests to remind people of the joke.
The song ends, and the boys applaud. Hopefully the glass separating them from the recording studio was sound-proof enough. The boys revel in the joy of song and/or McIntyre (mostly McIntyre, probably) til the boss, Fred Kelsey, shows up. I'm reminded of the boss in the Looney Tunes cartoon Tick Tock Tuckered. I do like the part where Kelsey says "Not one eeny itty bitty good... YOU JUGHEADS!!!" Meanwhile, for McIntyre, the performance ends and the nasty business side of showbiz begins. Stooge heavy Lynton Brent is a heavy of a different stripe here: an agent! Yecch! And then... the plot thickens. McIntyre explains that she's singing under an alias: Alice Andrews. Kinda like Soderbergh's cameraman alias Peter Andrews, huh? See, McIntyre's father doesn't want her to be a radio singer. Incidentally, her family name is Van Doren. They'll just have to wait for television to drag that name through the mud. In her roundabout way that gives the appearance of bootstrapping American exceptionalism, McIntyre wants to get a job singing for Mrs. Bixby, a character yet to be portrayed by the terrific Symona Boniface, the Margaret Dumont of the Stooges, but more Sephardic.
Meanwhile, back to the Stooges. Their feelings for Christine McIntyre long forgotten in the drudgeries of their work on the radio station's pipes... easy... they spot a chick walking down the hall. Having no steak at home, Larry and Curly turn to get a good look at this bit of hamburger, hitting Moe about the face with steel pipe in the process. The girl doesn't quicken her pace, nor slow it down, nor stop to help Moe in his latest time of distress. No, the Stooges will have to handle this by themselves, the only way they know how. Moe hits Larry and Curly with a wrench. Unfortunately, the real world steps in to intervene in the form of their boss Kelsey. Can I confess that I like the way Larry says "Hey, what's the idea?" There's something sweet about how he mangles the word 'idea.' Must be an East Coast thing.
Now how can I call myself a Stooge fan and not know what that gesture's called? At 3:32, Curly uses the back-and-forth hand gesture and, in what must be the first time, he gets a sound assist to go along with it, so the hand gesture sounds like one of those party favor thingies that spins one way, making a racket while it does. To end the gesture, Curly displays the back of his head to Moe in what is apparently supposed to be an offensive manner, but Moe's too furious to be stunned by it and offers the wrench to the back of Curly's head instead. Kelsey intervenes, and Larry and Curly pick their steel pipes up off the ground as quickly as possible. They end up hitting Kelsey on the head, and decide to hit the road instead. Hmm! Do the pipes sound the same the second time they hit the floor? 3:21, 3:45, you decide. As for me, I should probably get to bed.
A little bit more. Occasionally, the boys get a big enough of a head start when they're running away from one of their many pursuers, but not this time. Kelsey follows the boys right into the nearest recording studio where they sabotage the recording session of angry Italian Gino Corrado. You might remember him from An Ache in Every Stake like I do. It'll give me an excuse to watch Casablanca and Citizen Kane again to look for him as a waiter. As for this film, the Stooges raise about as much hell as they can in a small space. Curly dives under the piano, Larry behind it, while Moe bravely tries to hide behind Corrado as Kelsey pursues him with the giant oversized wrench. Kelsey slugs Corrado with the wrench, and Corrado falls on the couch. Curly meets his match in Heinie Conklin as Heinie barks back at Curly underneath the piano. Kelsey proves he's as bad as the Stooges as he gets his head under the piano lid. He kicks Curly lightly in the face under the piano, so Curly grabs Kelsey's leg and takes a bite out of it. It looks like Kelsey seriously hurts his head at about 4:22. I seriously hope that that's not the case. Moe laughs, steps back, looks at Gino Corrado, points to Kelsey and says "Boy, right on the head!" Corrado obliges and hits Moe on the head with his violin. There's a nice twang sound at about 4:30. Corrado now grabs a sword and goes after Moe. Moe grabs a standing microphone... sigh. Is there NOTHING that doesn't beat the sword these days? Maybe a tub of pudding. Damn, I must be hungry. Corrado takes a mighty swing, misses, then takes a mighty fall. He must've earned his stuntperson union card on this one. The Stooges quickly file out of the room, run down the hall, and go into the nearest door. Corrado's not as observant as Kelsey and he runs down the hall past the door the Stooges just went into.
ACT TWO
It's a little early for the Second Act, but things are about to settle down now, or simmer down now if you're a hardcore SNL fan. The Stooges look around this new room they've stumbled into. Moe commandeers another standing mic, while Curly and Larry head over to the sound effects table. Percussion equipment abound. Larry heads right for the coconuts and makes a galloping horse sound. Moe says "Quiet, numbskulls! I'm broadcasting!" And he does. He starts off as a smarmy ad pitchman, then segues into a corny soap opera. Larry starts playing an album, the one that McIntyre just cut. It's Curly's turn now, as he heads over to another microphone and starts lip-syncing to the album. Curly grabs a hat, and Moe grabs a towel to wrap around Curly's legs. The muse strikes Larry as well. Meanwhile, Symona Boniface FINALLY shows up at about 6:15 at the reception desk. Back to the Stooges, where Curly's really dolled up now! Good Lord. Moe's found a flute, but can't remember where he's supposed to come in. A wonderful mini-comedy of errors within the larger comedy. Symona enters the studio and gets an eyeful of this travesty, and is swept off her feet nevertheless. There must be an old rule about the fake being better than the real deal, even though this is surely the exception to the rule.
Screenwriters pay attention to this part here. As you might notice, the album has suddenly grown by a few extra piano notes at about the seven minute mark. Bad editing on the part of the filmmakers perhaps, but screenwriters and filmmakers have had a long running feud in Hollywood about how to handle audio playback in films. Since it's such a pain in the ass to get the original audio from all angles, conversations are often re-recorded. I'll give you the latest greatest example off the top of my head. In the original Robocop (1987)... SPOILER ALERT... Ronny Cox does the "talking killer" thing to Robocop, and Robocop records it. Bear in mind, Robocop at the time was in the throes of Directive 4 and wasn't looking directly at Cox. When Robocop plays it back at the end of the movie, however, we see Cox head on, and he reads the line quite differently. That's probably artistic license on the part of the director or something.
Anyway, Larry mimes playing the piano quite badly. The song ends and Symona runs over to lavish Curly with heaps of praise. Curly makes a strange noise at about 7:19... at least, I hope that wasn't him. I better start referring to Symona as her character Mrs. Bixby just on general principles. Mrs. Bixby has brought contracts to be signed! Moe protests by saying "Now, JUST A MINUTE, lady!" This should send up red flags for Mrs. Bixby just in general, but she continues as if nothing happened, and she makes the mistake of mentioning money. Some of you may part company with the Stooges at this point, but they're old school, and there's no deception they won't prolong if money's involved. Frankly, I'm getting to that point myself. And, as with most record contracts, Mrs. Bixby's holding a musical party that evening and wants Curly to sing at it. Moe demurs, so Mrs. Bixby offers $500. What's that old saw about a fool and his or her money? But the boys are up to the challenge. Moe hangs onto the record, and takes Curly shopping. "You've gotta look nice at the party!"
Act 2.5 - Scene: Mrs. Bixby's house, wehre Moebert and Lawrence show up in tux and tails, with comedy gloves on their hands. Curly makes a grand entrance in what I'm assuming is a Spanish dress. That must be why everyone loves this Stooge short, the same reason Tootsie and Some Like It Hot are so beloved. Trans-America, not as much. I reiterate: why butler Ted Lorch never played Lincoln is beyond me. Must be the raspy graveyard voice. The boys make their way into the foyer where Mrs. Bixby's guests are socializing. The boys are introduced, and awkward mingling begins. We see that Christine McIntyre and her dad are at the party, and Christine starts to wonder where she's seen those three before. Enter Gino Corrado. The Stooges remember all too well where they've seen him before, and make a hasty exit Stage Right. Corrado approaches Mrs. Bixby and profusely apologizes for being late. His glasses are broken and he won't be able to play the fiddle, so he'll sing instead. A double threat! Meanwhile, the Stooges plant their album in the record player next to the piano. How convenient! McIntyre follows the Stooges' movements until they sit down and try to sabotage Corrado's performance. Pardon My Scotch ring a bell? Pardon the Stooges as they hurl cherries, as this is another one of those time-stretchers. Moe's reasoning for this caloric assault on Corrado: Corrado's muscling in on their "territory." Corrado's territory is a bit more solid than the Stooges' quicksand, of course, but it's a Stooge short, ultimately, so it's time to play by Marquis de Knuckleheads rules. The cherries make a nice popping noise as they go into Corrado's mouth. Curly laughs too heartily at all this.
With Corrado choking, the Stooges exit and go back to the record's hideout. Curly tells Moe to be careful with the record. Careful now! Don't break it!...
ACT THREE
With the record in tiny pieces, and no glue to be found, it's time for a backup plan. Larry quickly leaps into action, and finds a whole cache of records. He hands one to Moe: "Sextet from Lucy"... something like that. Moe puts it on the record player, and Larry goes over to the drunk piano player, asking if he knows Sextet from Lucy. The drunk piano player answers "Know it? I wrote it!" Worthy of Sondheim. I must confess that as a child I didn't understand that part. But that's what's so great about the Stooges. They're for kids of all ages!
Moe bumps into Corrado, and Corrado gets a closer look at Moe. You know, because of his busted glasses. Moe brushes him off, saying "Oh! Short eyeballs, eh?" The ruse holds. The Stooges stand in front of the piano and begin lip syncing to the Sextet record. I just noticed Stooge regular Bess Flowers in the audience enjoying the performance! Her hair's different.
The performance is going swimmingly. Now, some of you out there might find this next thing to be a case of bad writing, and you're right. Even the Stooges are only as good as their writing at times. So, Corrado can't see without his glasses, but he's able to spot the record player. Just in time too, as Moe gets into his big solo at about 4:57. Curly is rightfully creeped out. And so, Corrado pulls the plug on the record player, providing perhaps the biggest cringe-worthy moment in any Stooge film, as the boys painfully try to continue the song in the absence of the record as backup. (insert your own Milli Vanilli reference here) Is it just me, or does the record itself start to sound kinda crappy just before it's stopped? At about 5:16, to be precise.
Corrado enjoys his success in the other room, while Moe looks down Curly's throat. A fancy water spritzer is employed on Curly, much like was used by Ollie in Our Wife but not as wickedly. Curly wants to leave, but Moe is against the idea. I guess they didn't get their $500 yet or something. They see Corrado, and Corrado gives the boys the ol' slit throat gesture at 5:58 with a nice tearing sound as accompaniment. As head of the Stooge corporation, Moe makes an executive decision. It's time to get out of there. But before they make their escape, McIntyre intervenes to remind them about who gets hurt when such a grand deception is put on. At the same time, McIntyre needs them to stay and continue the deception. Curly helpfully points out that "My voice... I mean, your voice is broken!" McIntyre takes this opportunity to show off. Mrs. Bixby runs over and rather passive-aggressively demands that the show must go on. Well, she is footing the bill, after all.
The Stooges and McIntyre get into place, and "Voices of Spring" lives on a second time. Corrado looks over at the plug on the floor and wonders what's going on. Moe finally gets his chance to play the flute at 7:42. Somewhere in the world right now, Ian Anderson is shaking his head. McIntyre similarly winces, or is she going to laugh? Screenwriters take note yet again: McIntyre makes a sweeping gesture with her hand as she hits the high note, and hits Corrado on the side of the head in the process. Corrado gets his revenge perfectly. He fires a banana into Curly's mouth and exposes McIntyre to the guests just before the song finishes.
EPILOGUE
The assembled guests are just about to tar and feather the Stooges, but McIntyre intervenes on their behalf... sort of. McIntyre explains to her dad something about wanting to be worthy of getting the singing job and not dragging the Van Doren name through the mud. Apparently the East Coast opera circuit's not sexy enough. But McIntyre wins her father's approval, and the Stooges run from the room, getting records thrown at them by everyone present. There's probably a metaphor here about how the rich use the middle class, but frankly the Stooges get what they deserve.
***
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
To the Man Cave!
Sometimes a film can be reduced down to one scene. For Apocalypse Now, it's the big helicopter / napalm sequence. For Kick-Ass, it's the big final showdown where Nicolas Cage gets all burnt up, and the big bad guy's hideout gets all shot up. And so far, with the first The Expendables movie, it's the scene where Jason Statham gets some revenge for his token girlfriend against her token a--hole boyfriend for giving her a token bruise in the face. Surely, domestic violence isn't part of the token package? Well, in this movie, it is. But I'll hand it to co-writer/producer/director Sly, who at some point seemed to realize that it's time for the younger generation to do some of the heavy lifting too. Statham's already got quite a few film franchises under his belt, and he's a welcome addition to this one. Something about the aging 80s-90s action flesh is just kinda sad. Schwarzenegger seems to have one scene in the movie, and they seem to have gotten it in one take.
Actually, I'm partial to the big chase sequence where Sly and Jet Li get all shot up to hell in the fancy-schmancy black truck. I remember seeing a "reality show" about the guys who worked on this truck for the movie. Some of the non-action sequences reminded me of a reality show!
While in most respects it appeals to teenage boys, the soundtrack seems to reflect Stallone's own adolescence. (Mississippi Queen and others, what have you.. apparently he doesn't care for Sweet Home Alabama, which is fine by me) Cinematographer Jeffrey Kimball of True Romance and other similar Tony Scott pics fame (NOT Birders: The Central Park Effect Jeffrey Kimball) is on hand to lend his testosterone-laced expertise. I will complement the CGI explosions of the big finale, even though some of them are CGI. And while I'm not the biggest Mickey Rourke fan in the world, as much as I hate to admit it, he sells his dramatic scene about as well as he can. In fact, I'm starting to question The Wrestler now...
There was something else I wanted to say... frankly I've said too much already. But... SPOILER ALERT. According to the web, the definition of the word "expendable" is basically that something is considered to be not worth maintaining or keeping. With that in mind, be sure to look for The Expendables 3 probably around Summer 2014.
**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
Actually, I'm partial to the big chase sequence where Sly and Jet Li get all shot up to hell in the fancy-schmancy black truck. I remember seeing a "reality show" about the guys who worked on this truck for the movie. Some of the non-action sequences reminded me of a reality show!
While in most respects it appeals to teenage boys, the soundtrack seems to reflect Stallone's own adolescence. (Mississippi Queen and others, what have you.. apparently he doesn't care for Sweet Home Alabama, which is fine by me) Cinematographer Jeffrey Kimball of True Romance and other similar Tony Scott pics fame (NOT Birders: The Central Park Effect Jeffrey Kimball) is on hand to lend his testosterone-laced expertise. I will complement the CGI explosions of the big finale, even though some of them are CGI. And while I'm not the biggest Mickey Rourke fan in the world, as much as I hate to admit it, he sells his dramatic scene about as well as he can. In fact, I'm starting to question The Wrestler now...
There was something else I wanted to say... frankly I've said too much already. But... SPOILER ALERT. According to the web, the definition of the word "expendable" is basically that something is considered to be not worth maintaining or keeping. With that in mind, be sure to look for The Expendables 3 probably around Summer 2014.
**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
Tinkle, tinkle, little Spy... please don't shoot me in the eye
Welp, if Pauline Kael can get away with writing short, Maltin-sized blurbs, so can I, damn it. Not as well, of course. In my blatant attempts to whitewash everything, even I have to admit that John le Carré isn't a one-note author. Okay, maybe two notes, but worth listening to. And very able to recruit actors. Every Brit except Tom Hollander seems to be in this damn movie! And, of course, I always likes me some Gary Oldman. Spoiler alert: I couldn't put my finger on his performance, but the spell was broken and it hit me: he seems to be channeling Jeremy Irons in this one. His way of saying n'yaah n'yaah, I guess. I hate to spoil the plot, but I will just by saying that le Carré and those in the know found out much earlier than the rest of us: the Cold War was a bunch of B.S. More specifically, as in The Good Shepherd, corruptive forces were hard at work leveling the playing field of secrets, some economical, some ideological, but we're not yet at the point of seeing them as heroes. The alpha leaker gets a quick death before getting the torture treatment, and a dude who gets shot, as Monty Python sometimes says, is "not quite dead." My viewing companion is second guessing it all now, but seemed to enjoy the calm pace of this cinematic outing, and I enjoyed the HD and lack of obvious HD blurring as well. Too bad it didn't win any Oscar gold. Got some BAFTAs, though!
***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
***1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan
Monday, September 03, 2012
Short Reviews - August 2012
Battle for Britain - JACKAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trouble With the Curve - First the empty chair, now this!
Dredd 3D - As long as Stallone's not in it...
Atlantis 7 - But what about Atlantis 1 thru 6?!! Silly question, I know.
The Master - Philip Seymour Hoffman returns to the Paul Thomas Anderson fold
Psycho Beach Party - Amy Adams was in THAT?!!
Oogieloves - A flop? But they've got Nicki Minaj on the soundtrack! How is this possible?
Fools Rush In - I saw the trailer for it! Does that count? And a clip on The Tonight Show or some damn thing...
Where Angels Fear to Tread - Never saw it
Seven Psychopaths - a leaping? I guess they couldn't make this movie without Woody Harrelson. I'll grant you that.
Lawless - Seriously though, when's this Model T Ford going to turn into a robot?
Compliance - Have you ever seen a Dreama Walker? Well, I have!
Qwerty - I don't get the reference... what, they finally made a movie about that pig bird freak thing that jumps up and down on colored cubes?
Hard to Kill - Hard to watch
RoboCop (2013) - I have HAD IT with these m-f-'in remakes!!!
A Clockwork Orange - Real horrorshow!
Auteur Watch - John Sayles
Sunday, September 02, 2012
Not feeling the Oogielove
Every once in a while, the real story behind this week's Top 10 at the box office isn't revealed within the top 10 itself. For that, you have to go to Variety.com to get their Top 100, or however many they cover. For example, the new Oogieloves movie that's supposedly this huge bomb came in at #35! Could be much worse! Could be You've Been Trumped, coming in at #100. Ain't it always the way? I mean, You've Been Trumped sounds like the kind of film that kids SHOULD be watching. A little glimpse of truth about Donald Trump, not flanked by agreeable sycophants for a change.
Anyway, we've got two debuts this week: one of these non-scary new age horror films called The Possession, and a film about Obama's America called Lawless. Or rather, what the Right Wing wish Obama's America was like. Why does he have to enforce so many laws? If anything, he should enforce a little less for a change!
Anyway, we've got two debuts this week: one of these non-scary new age horror films called The Possession, and a film about Obama's America called Lawless. Or rather, what the Right Wing wish Obama's America was like. Why does he have to enforce so many laws? If anything, he should enforce a little less for a change!
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