Vanishing Point: What Makes a Hero?

Sometimes the best you can say about a movie is that it's like a mini travelogue of someplace, in this case parts of the Nevada desert. Reminds me of a road trip I took not so long ago to an opal mine just outside Nevada. For miles, no other cars from one end of the horizon to the other. And I couldn't help but notice all these desert squirrels out there, waiting for their chance to cross the road, and always deciding to go as I'm about to run them over. There's gotta be some kind of Darwinian law at work there. Maybe a Newtonian maxim. Maybe an Oprah essay about co-dependence, I don't know.

There's also some nice shots of clouds here: some thunderheads, some raining, some with rays of sunlight peeking through - there's a specific scientific term for that but I can't remember what it is. All in all, good cloud variety, and not a whole lot of need for continuity since the action keeps moving. As for the plot of Vanishing Point, there's about as much plot here as, say, Grand Theft Auto. A little more plausibility than the original Gone in 60 Seconds, but it seems to me that if you're transporting cars, stolen or not, you at least want to make sure they get as little wear and tear as possible, but the film's about a little more character development than that. That, and a modern day Lady Godiva on a motorcycle. Why not, I say.

There are flashbacks showing the big transforming events in the life of this transporting car man, played by Barry Newman. Okay, so he's not a big name. He's no Paul Newman, anyhow, but he does okay here and he's also one of those guys who looks totally different as a young man. Kinda like William Hickey, only not so extreme. Barry stuck with me after I saw him in The Limey, and to a lesser extent, Bowfinger; smaller role in that one. But both with Terence Stamp! Who worked that out?

What else to say about this? Cleavon Little in a pre-Blazing Saddles role, where he seems to channel Ray Charles as the blind DJ "Super Soul" of KOW Radio. Also our hero picks up a coupla gay hitchhikers who end up trying to pull a stick-up, but since they're blatant caricatures what happens to them is okay. Some might say they were let off too easy; not me, though, because that's what a Movie Hero does, treats his adversaries with respect. Indeed, all the adversaries our hero comes across, he doubles back to make sure they're okay (they all get out of their wrecked cars and scratch their heads; time to get moving again!) There's also some blatant folk-hero-ification at play here, you know, for the Oscar crowd, (someone adds an "ALSKI" banner to the KOW radio sign... Mission Accomplished!) but if it didn't pay off with the car man's final act, well... I guess it didn't pay off. But it's certainly the opposite of the happy endings of Gone in 60 Seconds or Grand Theft Auto.

Some say Vanishing Point is one of the greatest car chase movies ever made, and the only reason I saw it was it being referenced in a review of Grindhouse (Yes! I shamefully admit it...) For me, though, I guess a car chase movie needs a little more plot. For me, The Blues Brothers is still the best car chase movie; for cars of a similar time period, Mad Mad World's got some pretty decent stunts: car, plane or otherwise. Give it a second look if you've got about 3 hours to kill.

**1/2

so sayeth the Movie Review Hooligan

More Sunday quarterbacking

Oh dear, almost missed another deadline. There's just too much to do, you see. For instance, right now I'm reading about Al Gore and his tearing Canada a new one over their CO2 emissions. The Canadian environmental minister, John Baird, fired back at Gore, calling him a hoser and a knob. Boy! They really are getting more conservative over there in Canada, but at least the guy didn't call Gore a hypocrite over the whole fake house heating thing. I really hope I'm the only one left fighting in that ancient World War I trench.

Anyway, this isn't the place you come to for real news! Let's get onto the only news in the galaxy that matters: the weekly box office totals! And at #10 it's Wild Hogs, and it's coming dangerously close to finally being broken. Oh, Gabrielle Amway, will you be mine? Sigh; guess not.

Anywho, let's hear it for director Walt Becker. Maybe you'll finally make it out of that Second Tier of Hollywood directors into the First Tier, Hollywood Auteur, and you'll no longer be simply known as Harold's unsuccessful kid! Oh, snap!

At #9 it's Perfect Stranger, still performing not so perfectly at the box office. But don't worry, that won't slow Bruce Willis down. Everyone's still waiting for Die Hard 4; I think I'll wait for it on cable, maybe.
You know, there's an old saying in Hollywood that even the most country-fried hermit probably knows by now in this day and age. Something about satire closing on Saturday night. Welp, IMHO it's about time to say the same of romantic comedies or dramas or whatever the hell they are these days, like the instant case, In the Land of Women, clocking in at #8 with a paltry $4.71 million, or as Bill Gates calls it, walking-around money. Oops! Just found out that Larry Kasdan's other kid, Jon, is responsible. Sorry, guys, I'm sure it'll be regarded as a classic soon. And I must say that film school paid off big time. Why, note how one of the characters is named Buñuel! Very clever.
Unfortunately, we're far from done yet, as is Ice Cube's sequel Are We Done Yet? It's almost at the 40 million dollar mark. That's a lot of bling!

Meanwhile at #6 it's Hot Fuzz, or as I prefer to think of't, Shaun of the Dead part 2. Only #6? I'm disappointed in my fellow countrymen. Surely a big budget ad campaign will get you off your asses and into theaters! WTF is it gonna take? Guess we just better wait for the American remake of it.

Finally made it to the other half, starting with Meet the Robinsons at #5, or as I prefer to think of it, Untitled Breakdancing T-Rex Project. Hey, blockbusters these days have been made of less. Take the Rapping Granny of The Wedding Singer.

At #4 it's Vacancy, and it's managed to distinguish itself sort of from the wild pack of horror pics in the pipeline. Trust me, I went to the movies recenty, and there's an ass-bag full of 'em on the way. It's the masks, isn't it?

Finally, BOG crossed the 100 million mark, but they're too proud to run ads boasting of that fact. Well, maybe just in Variety, but definitely not on TV. It's not about the money, right, guys?

At #2 it's Fracture, or as Sir Anthony Hopkins thinks of it, Human Stain part 2. Seriously, though, shouldn't there be a law against doing so many movies? I mean, how long can you coast on your most celebrated role: Instinct's Ethan Powell?

And finally, it's still the hot kid on the block, Disturbia. I already used my good joke last week, so perhaps it's time to consider the actual plot of the movie: Rear Window meets House Arrest. After all, what better way to add a little spice to your marriage and or relationship than with a little house arrest? Is this not our national occupation now? Finding new ways to add spice to your relationships? Even Maxim Magazine would have to agree with that assessment, or maybe one of its many hotter sister magazines. We've got to rebuild our image somehow in the national community. So, watch your ass, Spain, because America is for lovers!

p.s. Dang! They really are gonna make me wait til 2 pm for the new list. Guess my deadline wasn't as urgent as I originally thought.

Oh, Spalding!

Getting back into Spalding Gray. Ah, what a rush of neurons, again. He left us too soon. Soderbergh's right, Gray is the ultimate raconteur of the one man show setting. Like Henry Miller before him, there's no secret too dark for him to lay bare for all of us to see, and in such an entertaining way too. He's like Woody Allen but with a different set of literary references. But while we await Soderbergh's upcoming documentary about the man ... hmm! They just eliminated it. And it was there a second ago, I swear. Oh well, Clooney and Soda-pants are way too busy for their own good, anyway. Besides, 62 Skidoo is in the works, don't bogart the Clooney, dude! Anyway, I made the mistake of scrolling down in Spalding's IMDb entry to the 70s. For shame, Mr. Spalding! The Horny Vampire? Starring as Dr. Cock-luv in Nazi Sex Experiments? Fortunately for us, and probably me as well, I can't find half this stuff. I did however stumble across the one scene of humor in Maraschino Cherry for which Spald delivers the punchline. That's all of that movie I need to see. Irregardless, I think Spalding Gray's reputation is safe. Carry on without us, sir. But better watch out, Ron Jeremy's catching up to you!

I have no response to that!

Which brings us to another last minute box office report, and maybe I can catch it this time before it changes over. Maybe not; I already forget how soon it changed over last time. But leave us pay tribute to those films that have since passed into Box Office oblivion since last week...

Firehouse Dog, TMNT, Shooter

And now that we've brushed off the crumbs of failure from this meal, let's get on to the living! Hello!

Oh but before we get to that, time for another Maxim Magazine exclusive. It's their review of Burke & Wills.

Maxim Magazine presents our review of Burke & Wills. So let me get this straight... the more manly of the two would rather travel across Australia right into the hands of certain death, than stay in bed with Greta Scacchi? And they teach about these guys in public school? Is the whole country P.T.Gay? If we knew how, we'd get the U.N. to make Australia even farther away. As close to an American antipode as possible. Look it up.

Okay, got through that. And now! Without further ado at #10 this week it is Grindhouse. I wonder if that means it's too late for me to get my Rapist #1 doll.

And we're dangerously close to losing our most profitable film on the box office, 300, which has only so far made it 2/3rds of the way to 300 million dollars. Maybe 300 part 2 will be luckier, who knows.

At #8 it's the latest Christploitation entry, The Reaping. Sorry, Swank, not swank enough. Guess you caught the trend on the tail end of the scythe. Somewhere Chad is smiling... oh, snap!

Wild Hogs hangs tough at #7. Still speechless, but Disney's cryogenically frzoen head must be smiling.

Pathfinder - why, I've never seen a swashbuckler perform so poorly! I bet I know what Maxim Magazine thinks of that. #6 with only 5 million? Boy, they just don't rape and pillage the countryside like they used to, I tell ya.

And at the halfway point, it's Are We There Yet, pt. 2 with 32.8 million in the bank, baby! It's all about the Benjamins, grrrrl you know it's true. Could part 3 be in the wings? I'll leave it at that.

At #4 it's Perfect Stranger. James Foley's back, but I think he's coasting on brother Jerry's day job, am I right guys?

Meet the Robinsons at #3. It's not fair! Pixar can't make the B-list Pixar productions in between the A-List productions, can they? That must mean that Big Idea's been bumped down to C-List productions. That's probably for the best. 1-2-3 penguins, my ass.

Blades of Glory at #2. There's gotta be a way Ferrell can crank these out faster. Just gotta! One a week, please.

And finally at #1 it's Disturbia. Good title, and the world is in the throes of Shia LaBeouf Fever. Well, that and the avian flu. ...dang! Wanted to try and capture this really annoying Flash ad that's been popping up for the last 5 minutes every time I use the IMDb. Oh well, probably for the best. Something about a Rock Paper Scissors dojo. What'll they think of next? And how much time will they give us to enjoy it?

Anyway, back to the biz at hand. This is your moment, Mr. LaBeouf. Shaker Heights wasn't it. Holes was, sort of. And I, Robot, I guess. But now, you're the star, baby! No more supporting I, Robot-esque roles where you're playing neo-nerd support to the big star. You're the star now. Deal with it. Now you get to have a second-tier Best Friend prop you up with the film's plot points, and ask you what you're going to do. How about Trevor Morgan? And trust me, he won't pull any of that Sixth Sense crap. You get to push him round, baby, because you've got Indiana Jones 4 sewn up, and as we speak they're frantically adding Disturbicons to the Transformers movie all for you, Shia, this week's #1 Box Office STAR IN THE WORLD!!!!

Good night, and good luck.

South Park: Genius or not?

Well, I didn't see the one Bill Maher referred to about black people this season, but I just saw the one they did about the homeless, their homage to Night of the Living Dead, but with homeless people instead of zombies. Clever. I guess it's better than Bumfights, anyway. Now I know that South Park is a great show, and it's cost effective, and that anyone who hates it is either Jewish or have no sense of humor (I'm a little of both myself), but there's still something lacking in their take on homeless people. Given the current national dialogue on satire, with the recent comments by Don Imus, and that satire is normally used to poke fun at the powerful, instead of the other way around, which seems to be South Park's bread and butter, shouldn't South Park be asked to apologize for something? Or get dropped by Comedy Central and stick to strictly web-based Flash animations? Maybe, except that they're so beholden to their usual comedic formulas that they're probably not deserving of such scrutiny. I mean, everyone already knows that on the show the kids are smart, and the adults are stupid, and all of course find themselves constricted by the specter of Political Correctness, so are they really bringing anything new to the table about the homeless? No. Any proceeds going to benefit the homeless? We'll just skip that, as the answer is most likely no. It's their homage to the campaign against Upton Sinclair but without the politics, although it should be pointed out that the episode occurred on Dubya's watch, and not Clinton's when the show was fresh and new and killing Kenny in each episode. And if you don't like it, then you suck ass. Also makes me think of Tracy Flick's mom in Election when she defines the relationship between the strong and the weak as being that the weak prey on the strong. As a blanket generality that may be true, but weak or strong we're all still stuck on this planet together, so how strong can the strong be if they all can't be by themselves on Planet Strong? Oh dear, I fear I've spent too much time on this already. I'm getting to the point in my life where I look for advocacy where I can. At least the South Park guys are trying, but still it would've been nice to see something like, say, a pharmaceutical company asking for a corporate bailout because they've got a whole warehouse of flu vaccines that aren't moving. Or perhaps a television affiliate trying to scrounge up the syndication fees to show Seinfeld reruns. Or maybe a low-level mobster ripping off some fund-raising college students. But you know how it is. It's hard enough for these guys already doing what they do. They arrive first thing in the morning before anyone else and leave the last at night, so who's got time to think of such things? And if you don't like that, or find this blog entry a little less than you'd'a hoped, then you probably suck ass.

Short reviews: April 2007

The Work and the Glory: American Zion - I'm sorry. "Roots" for Mormons? Can't get into it. Besides, there's nothing about Magic Underpants here. On the other hand, there's some dynamic filmmaking here. There's this one dude who doesn't get to marry his childhood sweetheart, so he catches this other plain chick on the rebound. And even the fugliest reader of Maxim Magazine will tell you that to go from Alyssa Milano to Cynthia Nixon is ... something bad, I don't know what. Probably gay. Probably a buzz-kill.

Dead Silence - from the writers and directors of Saw - makes Kevin Williamson look like a Renaissance Man. Really, isn't it piggybacking on the puppeteer background story of Being John Malkovich?

The hills have eyes 2 - Ah, it's gone already. Never mind.

Meet the Robinsons - Nice try, but it's still not Pixar.

TMNT (new Pixar-esque Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...) - looks like it needs another pass through Renderman... Just a thought.

Half-Way Home on Comedy Central - It's a comedy show, right?

Blades of Glory - How many movies can Will Ferrell crank out? Watch your ass, Adam McKay!

Reign over Me - Puh-leeeeeeeze!!!!!!!!

The 1/2 Hour News Hour - Apparently, it's supposed to be a comedy show, but the anchors on the show act more like news people than the actual Fox News anchors.

Are we done yet?
Perfect Stranger - sequel to The Rich Man's Wife?

Disturbia - WTF?

Color Me Kubrick - For a second there I thought Malkovich was reprising Lenny...

The Namesake - No. Sorry. Can't accept Kal Penn in a serious role. Not Taj. Not Kumar. No. No, I said!

Vacancy - Too bad. For a second I hought it was a sendup of the genre. Maybe it's about time for one.

Grindhouse - I think the constant ad campaign is making me start to turn on the movie. Kurt Russell seems to be channeling Q.T.

The Reaping - The Sunday School-ing of America continues unabated.

Hot Fuzz - Looks fun, although the Shaun of the Dead folks may be slightly repeating themselves...

Are We Done Yet? Yes we are...

Road Blogs?

Blog from the Road? Nah, I'm not that into it yet. Probably should be, though, but I don't blog for a living. Come to think of it, there's a lot of things I want to do, but they all seem to slip away once I get home from the sulfur mines. How does that happen? Anyway, I'll be gone for a few days, ... not that anyone will notice. (sniff) Though there are some big movies on the horizon. There's that Pathfinder thingie coming out, and did I detect that Eomer dude? I did! Of course, I'll always remember him best as Caesar on Xena: Warrior Princess. And of course Comcast has this strange relationship with Spider Man 3. Just remember, Spider Man, Comcast needs you more than you need Comcast! I know all about these predatory relationships. But then again, even the man himself says you gotta serve somebody. So what hope is there for the rest of us?

What else was there? Nope, can't remember. I gotta get going anyway, I'm already behind schedule. But before I go I'm gonna give only the briefest of Shout-Outs to all those lovely ladies out there, specifically Sarah Michelle Gellar, Calista Flockhart and of course Courtney Love. 'sup, ladies? 'sup, sluts?

Ever have one of ... THESE kinds of days?

Me neither. But it's fun to pretend, and isn't that what movies are all about? And finding new metaphors for the Iraq war?

Man, am I falling behind in the news! Apparently, Don Imus is in hot water over some bad comments he made about the Rutgers women's basketball team. Guess he forgot he wasn't in a sports bar, but that happens to people his age. Maybe it's time for him to call it quits. On the other hand, maybe Bill Bennett should call it quits, too. Maybe there should be earning limits on all these fat guys, like if you make enough to have your own radio station in your own home in Florida, it's time to retire. I know it's a Communist position and all, but how much does Oxycontin really cost?

On the other side of the spectrum, the Police reunion wasn't just for the Grammies! There' s some worldwide concert thing happening, and Genesis is reuniting as well. I think it's the Phil Collins Genesis, but still, it's the 80s all over again, folks. And it's all because of global warming. See? Global warming's not all bad.

Oh but enough of the real news. We've still got to climb the rest of this Box Office mountain. And we left off at #4, Grindhouse. I'll bet there are a lot of Hollywood types that are happy this didn't make #1. Oh well, at 11.6 million, that's about half the advertising budget. A promising start. And as long as they leave it in theaters for the rest of the year it just may turn a profit! heh heh heh...

At #3 it's Are We Done Yet? I made an observation about the earlier film, I Think I Love My Wife, but seeing as how Don Imus is in the hot seat right now I think that's best left alone. I'm not the world's biggest Ice Cube fan, personally, but I did kinda like Triple-X part 2. And hey, if this one doesn't hurt his Street Cred, it's okay by me.

At #2 it's Meet the Robinsons. Nothing to report yet on this one, none of my co-workers have seen it yet. But maybe I'll head to the IMAX theatre to see it... nah. If I didn't do it for Harry Potter, why should I do it for this?

And finally, at #1, it's ol' Will Ferrell again with Blades of Glory. I'm just not ready for an 80s flashback yet. I mean, how good can an era be if Austin Powers hasn't visited it yet? Incidentally, when is Austin Powers 4 coming out? Guess Demi Moore still needs time to get into shape for it. She's supposed to play the love interest, you know. Still, good for Mustafa. I mean, Will Ferrell. Now, for Will's next cinematic feat I think he should try to have two big movies come out at once, like having a Ricky Bobby sequel open against an Anchorman sequel. Why not? How hard would it be to put something like that together? Just take about 3 years off to do it, so it'll be like when Sgt. Pepper came out after the Beates' long hiatus. It'll generate interest by getting everyone to say "Where's Will Ferrell? He's finally lost it, hasn't he?" And then, cha-pow! You're back, baby. And who knows? If you make one of the movies an Oscar movie, it could be your big Oscar Gold year. Eat THAT, Righteous Brothers!

Just throwing it out there. And so we wrap up another box office report. Now if I could just put all that energy into my taxes, I might get them done in time. Right, IRS?

New Game Show: How Naked is Too Naked?

Well, did I call it or did I call it? The free market has spoken, and it wants family entertainment, please! And something under 3 hours, if you can. We don't have as much free time as we used to. My prediction was a little rosier than I thought, though, as Grindhouse settled at #4 this week, instead of #2. Well, King Kong got off to a shakier start too, and now look where it is! ...oh, I thought it was in the top 250. Oh well. Still got LOTR up there, that's something. And Grindhouse is already at #108! Good job, guys. Sometimes that's better than the money.

And more importantly, they have the latest cover of Rolling Stone. Take that, Christina Aguilera! Man, how many times did she have to do the cover naked? I just wonder what Gloria Steinem makes of all this? Or Camille Paglia? or how about Susan Faludi? Maybe her wikipedia entry's a little more enlightening. The point being, Hustler's been doing covers like this til the cows come home, and what thanks do they get? Oh yeah, right...

So where were we? Well, The Lookout is still at #11 or higher, meaning lower box office. Somewhere French Stewart is stroking a voodoo doll... But at #10 it's Air Bud 6! Seriously, though, it's Firehouse Dog. Even they didn't expect it to break into the top 10. It was directed by Todd Holland. In case you're confused, Todd Phillips did Road Trip, Tom Holland did Fright Night, and Tom Noonan directed Wang Dang. hope that helps. Did I mention that their butts are touching?

At #9 the turtles hang strong, but they're about to, uh, crash. Dang! Forgotten my surf lingo already, which is some of what TMNT is all about. What's the opposite of cowabunga?

Shooter's at #8. Yawn. Might as well give a shout out to Fuqua. He's almost as busy as Robert Rodriguez! One pic a year. You go, bruthafriend.

Wild Hogs at #7, but it's #2 cumulative-wise, right behind 300. 300 is at #6, and it's got 50 million more than Wild Hogs. Hmmm... there's a math problem in there someplace, but I'm too tired to see it. In fact, I really should be getting to bed, but the Daily Show's got a new set! I gotta get used to this now. How long will that take?

And finally for now, Hilary Swank's still got it, with The Reaping at #5. Science can't explain it. ......... and faith can't control it. (whew) Well, science might eventually explain it! Give it some time, people. And like Esquire magazine sez, she's single again, guys! But remember: she's got two more Oscars than you. And like Esquire also sez, both those Oscars DON'T LIKE YOU. And further remember, Mendeleev was a Fag!

AC/DC: Heavy Metal's John Williams

Well, what can one say about Stephen King's solo directorial effort, Maximum Overdrive, that hasn't already been said? Well, he himself refers to his writing as the writing equivalent of a Big Mac and fries. Unfortunately, the film feels like even less than that. Call it, King's melding of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and "Duel." Well, Convoy maybe. Perhaps King's little jab at the truck period of Hal Needham. But more importantly, King got that directing bug out of his system. And even more importantly, there's the contribution of AC/DC to the soundtrack.

Yessir, 1986 was a pretty good year for AC/DC. Even though their website may not want to admit it. Their videos were just starting to take off on MTV, and 'You Shook Me All Night Long' was finally getting the recognition it deserved after premiering on their 1980 album, 'Back in Black'. Six years of singing like Sammy Hagar had taken its toll on Brian Johnson, however, as is evidenced in the song 'Who made Who' that opens the movie. They do, however, really do act as composers on the movie, coming up with incidental music to underscore the action: their tribute to Jaws is why they are the heavy metal John Williams.

They also worked on Last Action Hero, but we'll get to that later. And of course, note the black VW van at the beginning with the AC/DC logo on it, and the fake stoner who says "Far out!"

The action in Close Encounters eventually centers on Devil's Tower, but even though Maximum Overdrive is about a worldwide revolt of machines and mechanical devices, it is perfectly content to stay focused in Wilmington, North Carolina. Not that King has any particular connection with the place, but probably because producer Dino de Laurentiis had a studio there. Cat's Eye was mostly shot there, too, but we'll get into that later. And I guess that's the fundamental problem with the movie: we want a bigger glimpse of the outside world and the chaos that's supposedly taking place, because of a rogue comet, as the movie says. This'll give the nerds a chance to chortle. On the other hand, if you dig how the bank at the beginning filters the interstellar Luddite-ism, this is definitely the movie for you.

An interesting cast is assembled here, and there's definitely room for meditation on the universal concept of hero. Is this not the central preoccupation of all feature films? What is a hero? What makes a hero? Definitely not a machine, that's all too certain here. Unfortunately, not all heroes are destined to have fruitful careers. For instance, one would hardly call Lisa Simpson here a hero; more like shrill, right? And yet, just as Weird Al takes credit for 'discovering' Kramer... well, maybe not as loudly anymore. Check her out in The Legend of Billie Jean, too. She also has a pretty big role in As Good As It Gets; too bad she didn't get a Supporting Actress nod for that. Seems like everyone else got one; they were handing out Oscars for that like candy! Holter Graham seems to have survived the normal ravages of child stardom pretty well, even doing two movies with John Waters a couple years later! And I was pleasantly surprised by Chris Murney. For a second I confused him with Chris Mulkey, but I remember Murney best as one of the wise-ass detectives from Barton Fink.

Where was I? Oh yeah. The point being, okay, so it's not a great movie, but as life goes on I find that people, including myself, often have affection for the movies they have seen, even the bad ones. And every once in a while something comes up, like my new found appreciation for AC/DC, that makes me think "Hey, what about that one movie where... didn't they do the whole soundtrack?" That whole thing. Ultimately, it wasn't worth the look back, but I'm still a sucker for just about anything in letterboxed Panavision.

**1/2

so sayeth the Movie Review Hooligan

Glory Overload, or Katgcolw Katgcolw says Hi

I probably shouldn't say it, but I got a thing for Taco Bell. It comes in a distant second behind Subway in terms of healthy fast food. Let me see if I can blog, eat and not spill anything on the keyboard at the same time. Meanwhile, they've announced at Blogger that I can now incorporate YouTube into my blog! Sounds like a good idea, but it'd probably be a step down, even for YouTube. In addition, it sounds like a slippery slope, appealing even further to the inherent laziness of mouse potatoes. What next, will my computer automatically do my taxes for me? Actually, that's not a bad idea.

I still have to get to my taxes, but I personally believe the remaining Box Office analysis is far more important. So let's dive right in and pick up where we left off. Looks like the numbers haven't changed at all since Sunday. The ballot counts are final and binding. Rounding off the Top 4 it's Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles. Clearly, they're not as hot as they once were. Why, the Muppet turtles made more than that! Spawning two sequels, no less. OTOH, did they have Sarah Michelle Gellar? I don't think so, guhl-friend. Seriously, she must've been working on "A Woman Named Jackie" or "Swan's Crossing" at the time of principal photography on TMNT. Or maybe wrapping up on High Stakes. Clearly, she already had her busy hands full.

At #3, it's still only 60% of the way there, people! Let's not let it fall through the cracks. I'm talkin' 'bout 300 here. Oh well, whatever happens, it's still just another day in the life of Frank Miller. He's still got Sin City 2 to worry about. Speaknig of which, isn't Grindhouse gonna step on 300's toes just a little bit? I know you're all together on Sin City, but still, not cool, Quentin and Rodriquez! You're On Notice.

At #2 it's Meet the (Non-Swiss Family) Robinsons! And with about half of a Pixar flick's opening take. Remember Cars, anybody? That made, like, 200 million on opening weekend. And not a moment too soon, because John Lasseter almost didn't make his mortgage payment that week. But back to MTR. They say it'sbased on a popular series of kids' books, but c'mon. You and I know the author of that book played too much of The Sims at some point in his/her/their life/lives/career (s). Frankly, adaptations in general just aren't what they used to be.

And finally, the glory that is Will Ferrell, as he reigns triumphant over the box office all over again! Need we mention the title of the movie? Who cares? It's Will frickin' Ferrell, right? Dude, are you gay? What more do you need?!

But the movie is Blades of Glory, and it wasn't a Ferrell / McKay co-production, but should've been. As it is, they're busy doing the whole going-against-the-typecast phase of their conjoined careers with Step Brothers. But back to the triumph at hand. Nancy Kerrigan? Seriously? Where has she been? Not that she's not grateful or anything, but she said this movie was the 2nd "most dumbest thing" she's ever done. So boring, so dull, something like that. ...I'm sorry, that's "So corny. So dumb." That's what it was. Not that she's not grateful, mind you. And Mr. Ferrell's already hard at work on his next movie about an intrepid reporter who defies the giant media conglomerates by winding his way into Bosnia and uncovers a ring of... just kidding, it's a basketball movie. Probably a comedy, right? Those basketball dramas don't do squat. Maybe he'll try a come-drama-dy this time around. You know, just a slight stretch for an Oscar instead of a blatant reach. DQ something different, ya know?

Where was I? Oh yeah. In summation, Will Ferrell is here to stay. He's got a piss jar and the restraining order against Chris Kattan has just been renewed until the year 2073. 2005 was a bit rough for Will; none of his four films that year opened at #1, but he's back now and inside all our faces, baby! Now, I know you're all excited about Grindhouse coming out this week; I just heard that ABC is starting a new cable channel that will just show trailers for Grindhouse 24 hours a day. Call your cable company and order it today for the low, low price of just $79.95! How can you lose? I'd even say Grindhouse will be #1 this weekend, but I did the math and I think it's coming in a distant second, and here's why. Oh, my dang blasted new computer's got the hiccups now that Norton Internet Security's running. Anyway, anyone besides me remember the contentious Box Office of November 2003? I know someone who does! Russell Crowe, who had that Master & Baiter movie coming out (sorry, I should've said spoiler alert, or Tasteless joke alert, one of those. You know, from director Peter Weir. Sorry, had to do the follow-up. Anyway, so M&C was all set to be the #1 movie its opening weekend, but guess what? #2!! Why? Because a 2 1/2 hour long non-Will Ferrell movie was going up against a 90-minute Will Ferrell movie. Elf, to be in fact. And so, the small English boats defeat the Spanish armadas yet again as history is set to repeat itself. The ghosts of Stallones past are on the warpath, QT 'n RR; girlfriends, you know it's true.

Welp, that's just about all the Box Office damage I can do this week. Whew! I'm beat. But who knows, I might get my second wind yet. Summer is upon us in a single day, how cool is that? Anyone recall the story about the guy who threw ten puns against the wall?...

Summer of LaBeouf

Girlfriend, you know it's true! Between Disturbia and the Transformers movie, I mean at least one of 'em has to be a hit!

Anyway, I'm up too late again, so we'll keep this short. It's been a while since I broke up the box office Rapport into two so let's do that this time! As expected, the movie with the biggest ad campaign reigns triumphant, but Grindhouse is next week. This week it's the latest Will Ferrell juggernaut, Blades of Glory, but we'll get to that later. Don't feel ashamed, McKay. You're still special, although Ferrell will now need a bigger cut of Step Brothers, that's a given.

But let's start with #10 this go round, and it's The Last Mimzy, the latest directorial effort from New Line Cinema bigwig Robert Shaye. Welp, looks like you're going to have to wait another 17 years to pretend you're a director again, you cicada.

Moving quickly on to #9 it's Reign Over Me.

Moving even more quickly on to #8 it's The Hills have Eyes 2. Another horror movie I'll never see, but it's a sign of the times when Jessica Biel doesn't have to appear in crap like this.

Man, what a bunch of dregs! And they just keep on coming with Premonition at #7. No new quips about this one. It's a sign of respect to Bullock that the theater owners let it play this long. Usually they do that in the summertime!

Speaking of which, it's Shooter at #6. Wow! A cameo in Die Hard 3? Another reason to hate that movie. I gotta check that out.

Five Alive brings us Wild Hogs, the little movie that could. Yessir, this little movie will be a touchstone for many careers for years to come. Some just starting in the biz, and some a coupla old hands at this li'l game called Entertaining America. We just might see Big Momma's House 3 yet! If only on pay per view.

Well, that's a good point to break off on I think, as we'll focus on only those proud Box Office winners in the next segment. TTFN

1999: A Great Year for Movies >> I am Jack's Manifesto

Well, what further can be said about Fight Club? As of this writing there are 8 films in the IMDb top 250 from 1999. The Green Mile? Okay, it's not all good news, but still. What a year. Something about the impending Millennial hysteria, perhaps. As cinema history is written, I think Fight Club will be the one director David Fincher's best remembered for. Well, that and the video for Express Yourself. There are some slight touches of Seven in here, specifically with the police procedurals behind the explosion of the Narrator's apartment, and the gruesomeness of the burned-out car in the warehouse. And yet, it only got nominated for a Sound Effects Editing Oscar. That year The Matrix sweeped all the technical awards it was nominated for. Oh well.

LATEST SIGHTING: I was up late last night waiting for Fletch and Fletch 2 to come on Spike TV, as my cable grid said they would. I don't know exactly why, it seemed like something I wanted to tape at the time, the whole 80s flashback thing. But instead, Fight Club came on! I was disappointed. But only briefly. Kind of interesting, how little gets bleeped out these days, even on Spike TV.

As a technical achievement the film is first-rate, and in terms of sheer editing I don't think it's been topped yet, at least in terms of a film based on a novel. Another example of an adaptation with rather fast-paced editing is The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz, which fits the subject matter. Films have gotten much flashier since, of course, especially the comic book ones. But Fight Club is far from a single-serving film; you'll need to see it a couple times to get everything, or most of everything. Mr. Fincher is inordinately fond of wedging the camera into small spaces. There are at least three Pixar-esque sequences, where the camera comes out of a garbage can, the camera spins around a stove's burner, and the camera pulls back on a refrigerator while having an extreme close-up of the floor. And for me, the opening credit sequence is now on my short list of great Opening Credit sequences (in progress! :) ). In the film's obsession with breaking the fourth wall in as many ways as possible, there is even a nod to film projectionists, and the reel change-over marks (cigarette burns). You'll sometimes see them at the end of Warner Bros. cartoons, or on films that haven't gotten a full digital upgrade. One time on TV they showed Mystery Train and the video transfer of it still had the cigarette burns. For shame, JVC! (Incidentally, if you do edit a couple frames of film into another film, the sound wouldn't be in sync because the sound plays a couple seconds ahead of the picture being shown at the time. A minor point, really. But how does a film like Fight Club have time for minor points?)

As for the actual story content, ultimately for me it gets too ridiculous to take too seriously. Of the other critics, I like Roger Ebert's take on the proceedings: that the film replaces sex with fist fights. Fortunately for us it's just an evolutionary step in our evolving as a species that we feel pain, and that pain is bad. Otherwise Fight Clubs probably would take off as they do here in the film. Even less likely is the evolution of Fight Club into Project Mayhem; at least, among the people I know. The first act of the film, though, does smack of a good adaptation, as the Narrator falls into group therapy meta-addiction much like something that would happen on a good Simpsons episode in its first act. Sprinkled throughout the movie are little bite-sized jewels of knowledge and/or philosophy, some involving soap, as seems to be the trend in movies these days. It's a bit like David Mamet, particularly Glengarry Glen Ross, and Tyler Durden is a little like Ricky Roma's sales approach. I don't think Mamet could've adapted this one as well, but that's just me. Maybe he could've. He's graduated to bigger things now, anyhow.

It's a good cast assembled here, too. Whatever happened to all these people? Brad Pitt seems to spend quite a few speeches rallying against the very fame machine that helped him out; wonder if he improvised all that. Helena Bonham Carter finally sheds her Merchant / Ivory career behind here, and provides the tender love story of the film. One of my favorite Ed Norton lines is "...No matter what happens, got that sofa problem worked out." (That scene: a nod to My Dinner with André, dontcha think?) For me, though, Meat Loaf is the secret heart of the film. Maybe because he's just trying to get by like everyone else, and just full of selfless affection and not spewing so much dogma. He is indeed the warm center of the universe that everyone crowds around! There's too many quotable lines here to end a film review on, but seeing it again I was struck by the following detail: the idea of the film is first bourne when Edward Norton asks Brad Pitt if he can stay with him, after his apartment is blown up. Rather, Brad forces the question on Ed, but I digress. Brad agrees, then immediately asks Ed to hit him. Is being roommates really that painful of a prospect?

***1/2

so sayeth the Movie Review Hooligan

New Rule: Must Attack Historians

Ecch. Still reeling from that little bit of the opening sequence of South Park. They seem to be relying more and more heavily on the spewing of various bodily fluids. That's a lot of cutting and pasting for animation, but back to the matters at hand.

Bill Maher's back, baby! Well, he's been back for about five weeks now. He appeared on Larry King, and more recently on Keith Olbermann, where he once again invoked the sorriest of moments from this presidency, when Dubya sat in that classroom and continued to read My Pet Goat when he learned that the second trade tower fell. Remember that! He went ahead with the photo-op after the first Trade Tower was hit. I think Michael Moore's hypothesis is the answer to the question, What was going through the President's mind when he heard this? He must've been thinking, uh-oh, our Saudi friends are pissed off. Just for that, Bandar gets a slap on the wrist. But on to more recent events. I like to post Maher's 'talking points', because a) he doesn't seem to mind (haven't got my RSS feed up & running yet) and b) it's right on the money. Jokes alone can't hurt this president, we need action, and we need impeachment proceedings. When Clinton was president there was nothing too small for the Republicans to scrutinize, and now there's nothing too big for the Republicans to ignore. I forget who said that, but it could've been Voltaire. Anyway, here's Maher's latest New Rule. I should probably point out that it's from HBO, and there are some profanities in it, so children shouldn't read it, even though the real profanities are in the White House right now...

And finally, New Rule: Traitors don't get to question my patriotism. What could be less patriotic than constantly screwing things up for America? You know, it's literally hard to keep up with the sheer volume of scandals in the Bush Administration, which is why I like to download the latest scandals right onto my iPod. That way I can catch up on this week's Giant Fuck-Up on my drive in to work. In fact, Bush has so many scandals, he could open a chain of Bush Scandal and Fuck-Up theme restaurants. Ooh, should I get the Harriet Miers Meatloaf or the Katrina Krab-cakes?

You know, not to generalize, but the 29& of people who still support President Bush are the ones who love to pronounce themselves more patriotic than the rest of us, but just saying you're patriotic is like saying you have a big cock. If you have to say it, chances are it's not true. (to John Legend: I don't have to tell you...) And indeed, the party that flatters itself that they protect America better is the party that has exhausted the military, left the ports wide open, and purposefully outed a CIA agent, Valerie Plame. That's not treason anymore, outing a spy? Did I mention it was one of OUR spies? And how despicable that Bush's lackies attempted to diminish this crime by belittling her service, like she was just some chick who hung around the CIA. "An intern, really. Groupie, if you want to be mean about it."

No. Big lie. Valerie Plame was the CIA's operational officer in charge of counter-proliferation. Which means, she tracked loose nukes. So when Bush said, as he once did, that his absolute number one priority was preventing terrorists from getting loose nukes ... okay, that's what she worked on. That's what she devoted her life to, staying undercover for twenty years, maintaining two identities every god damn day. This is extraordinary service to your country. Valerie Plame was the kind of real life secret agent George Bush dreams of being when he's not too busy pretending to be a cowboy or a fighter pilot.

CIA agents are troops. This was a military assassination of one of our own, done through the press, ordered by Karl Rove. He said of Valerie Plame, "She's fair game". And then Cheney shot him. George Bush likes to claim that he doesn't question his critics' patriotism, just their judgment. Well, let me be the first of your critics, Mr. President, to question your judgment and your patriotism. Because let's not forget why they did it to her, because Valerie Plame was married to this guy Joe Wilson, who the Bush people hated because he busted them on one of their bullshit reasons for invading Iraq. He was sent to the African country of Niger to see if Niger were selling nucear fuel to Iraq. They weren't, it was bullshit, and he said so. In fact, his report was called, "Niger, please!"

Valerie Plame's husband told the truth about their lies, so they were willing to jeopardize an entire network of spies to ruin her life. Wow! Even the mob doesn't go after your family. Mark Twain said, "Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserve it.", and I say Valerie Plame is a patriot, because she spent her life servnig her country. 'Scooter' Libby is not because he spent his life serving Dick Cheney. Valerie Plame kept her secrets; the Bush administration leaked like the plumbing at Walter Reed. (uneasy reaction from the crowd for some reason... Too soon?) In the year 2008 I really think Hillary Clinton should run for President on a platform of restoring honor and integrity to the Oval Office.

It was one of our spies. That should be a bigger laugh if it wasn't so sad. This country doesn't deserve Mrs. Plame's service. And she is pretty good-looking, I have to admit that.
What else? Like father, like son: one of the big sound-bytes from the Bush-Dukakis days was the two of them saying "I don't question his patriotism, but I do question his judgment." But I for one don't want to go back to the days of Willie Horton tearing down the Berlin wall. Many do pine for the days of the Evil Empire, though. Guess we were just lucky that the Cold War pretty much managed itself, unlike today's... G.S.A.E.? (Global Struggle Against Extremism?) Somebody check the folder on Rummie's desk at the Pentagon. What are we calling it these days?

On the other end of the spectrum, compare that with Dennis Miller's recent appearance on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Jon, seriously, meet ME at camera 3. I know you guys go back and all, but seriously, Miller's just really pathetic now. Sure, he keeps himself fit and all, and I guess he's saved some money, but people like to beat up on Robin Williams too, and Miller's got this pre-digested stuff in the can ready to spew like the riff on Marathon Man: if you hang around long enough, the record starts to skip. Great movie, by the way. And sure, it's easy to pick on the elder statesmen of the Democrats like Robert Byrd and all; in fact, my good friend whose opinion I trust went much further than that, asking if Dennis Miller is in sixth grade. Next thing he'll be saying Senator Byrd has poopy-pants. Meanwhile, Strom Thurmond has just been elected the Mayor of his section of his graveyard, although a recount has been demanded. Maybe Dennis can take over on 'the 1/2 hour News Hour' on Fox News when his latest radio show gets cancelled. Or just stay at the guest house in Kennebunkport at the Bush compound and save us all a lot of trouble.

Peace out :)

Hi aawydqtpemwcfyfeqive, Do you want more inchees? 3 + to the size; Get you Complimentry give today

Folks, the penis enlargement emails are encroaching once again in my email. Not content to merely stay in my Bulk Mail folder, which can only mean it's time for another week's worth of Box Office duke-em-outs! Does size really matter, ladies? Isn't an arms race as such fundamentally dangerous? Shouldn't we as a nation be more obsessed with the proverbial motion of the ocean? Maybe someday we'll turn the tide, if only for the sake of the melting polar ice caps, but there I go mexing my mitaphors again, I'm afraid.

Meanwhile a cabal of mathematicians at Palo Alto finally solved the Lie group E8 math puzzle. Kinda makes me wish I visited the Lie group E8 websites before this was done. It'll be hard to find a site now that's not trying to cash in on the craze. But anyway, back to the bizness at hand of the Box Office Business. This week featured a good many new fresh contenders in the ol' Movie Meat Grinder, but the turtles have it! Hurrah for PG movies, they'll make a comeback yet. But let us turn back the clock and start from #10. I was going to go with the cumulative totals, but it works out pretty much the same anyway. Ah, screw it.
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But even before we get to that, let's pay a brief tribute to all those films from last week that are no longer on the box office list.

Music and Lyrics

Norbit

Zodiac

Ghost Rider

Bridge to Terabithia

I Think I Love My Wife

Man! What a regular Box Office Colonic!

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This week, at #10 it's one of last week's survivors, Dead Silence, the latest variation on the ol' Alien theme: in space, no one can hear you scream. Of course, these days, at a movie like Dead Silence, you might just hear the audience laugh at moments the filmmakers probably didn't intend to be unintentionally funny. Audiences are just growing numb to the horror and the romance genres in genral, don'tcha think?

Pride comes in at #9. Oh, I saw an online ad for this! That's all I ever saw for it. Guess I wasn't watching the right channels or something. Even Bernie Mac wants to forget this one. He'd almost rather do a Guess Who sequel at this point, but there's always Ocean's 13 to look forward to, right? And I kinda hope the other guy doesn't turn into another Cuba Gooding Jr. That would be bad, right, Spike?

Ah, and far too soon we arrive at Reign Over Me, at #8? Only #8? This is an outrage! Click made more money its third week! The way they were talking about it in the ads you'd'a thought it'd done a lot better than this. But after all it is an Oscar contender of sorts, so it has to make Oscar money, right? For those who don't know, Oscar money is a lot less than Blockbuster money. Generally the Oscar films don't crack the top 5, and barely make it to between 6 and 10. Except for the occasional anomaly like Lord of the Rings. But back to Reign, the alchemical blend of Sandler and Binder. Me myself, I blame Spielberg for putting Binder in Minority Report. It gave wings to his otherwise flailing career. I mean, for God's sake! He couldn't even sustain a sitcom on HBO! As for the film itself, the premise is that Adam Sandler lost his whole family on 9/11. Not to be too cynical, but what the hell, everyone else is at this point on the big 9/11: did anyone really lose their whole family in 9/11? Were there day care centers for the whole family in those business-oriented Trade Towers? Not only that, but evidently Sandler's character got insurance money for his 9/11 loss, which may very well make him the only 9/11 victim that has gotten insurance company money yet.

Coming at lucky number seven, it's The Last Mimzy, and out of resepct to Michael Phillips, some of the ads were calling it the best film since, you guessed it! CE3K, of course! I think they also lumped E.T. in there, too. The film itself seems a bit more like Zathura, but I don't think we want to go there at all.

And the would be hits just keep on coming. You know, rarely in this bizness do we see the rising of a whole new studio. Traffic gave us USA Films, The Peacemaker introduced us to DreamWorks, I think... anyone remember Savoy? Those running buffalo? Just me? How about Mandalay with the tiger vanity logo? The only film I remember associating with MAndalay was that Dennis Rodman / Van-Damme flic. (Man! Belloq falling on even harder times than usual.) Anyway, we have a new studio now: Fox Atomic, and they bring us The Hills have Eyes 2. And not a moment too soon, I'm afraid. Obviously it's a paean to the Iraq war, or a tribute, I can't tell which. And the bad guys are probably supposed to be the Iraqis, but only those Iraqis who still aren't standing up so that we can sit down in this ever increasingly more dangerous game of Bloody Musical Chairs that is the... what are we calling it this month? The Global Struggle against the Camel Jockeys? Let's face it, folks. With so many threats looming, Saudi Arabia threatening to deflate the dollar, and China and Wal-Mart threatening to make permanent the bottom line, the only thing that can save America is some good old fashioned World War II-era stereotyping. It probably wouldn't play as well in the European Union, but what else can we do to mobilize our own troops? The point being, the rest of the world hates us already, right? Even more so than during Monica-gate?
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And now the better half. Clinging to it at #5 is Premonition. Someone has to post the inevitable review: "Not as bad as you've been led to believe."

Wild Hogs at #4. Still speechless. Although I can imagine where it'll go in the Disney collection: between "The Wild" and ... Xanadu? "Old Yeller"? Guess I don't really care.

And finally! Seems like we've had to wait forever for this one. It's Shooter at #3. One of the TV spots had some subliminal messages in it, but I guess I'm not interested enough to decipher them. Maybe next week if this is still in the top 10. Doesn't Marky Mark look so damn cool in those shades, though?

At #2, it's 300, and it's closing in on the 200 million mark. Almost two thirds of the way there! They had an unfunny bit on SNL last night about the filming of the movie. It used to be, a long time ago, that SNL bits had more dimension than just one, back when Robert Smigel was on the writing staff, and Jon Lovitz fought valiantly against the writers' snobbishness, bringing balance to that force.

And finally, at #1, someone's latest triumph of marketing, it's TMNT, and not in some quasi wussy Muppet form. It's all CGI, baby, and all the better for it. Well, one way they prepped our appetites was by showing some recent TV incarnation of the turtles on TV, on Fox if I remember correctly. Anyway, kudos. And finally! The new Weinstein Company has a hit. Suck on that, Clerks 2. As for the Turtles themselves, they've been in the biz going on about 20 years now. It's been a long road and they're still crawling along it. All I know is that Turtles' co-creator Kevin Eastman is married to Julie Strain, that's all I know for sure about the man. Lucky bastid.

And that's about all the damage I can do this week as far as the Box Office is concerned. And now, back to the taxes, if I don't fall asleep first.

Late night aneurysm

Three o'clock in the morning, it came without warning. Ah, I love cable. In what other medium can you go from Cape Fear to For Your Eyes Only? I mean, seriously? What lunatic is going to make such off-handed selections in a video store or off of Netflix? Anyway, time every once in a while to get up on my high horse, as someone has to on occasion. Me myself, I fear I'm far too susceptible to the opinions of the culture at large, and I just want to say this before I begin to live the rest of my life with the meme rattling around in my head of Gore / power bill. For those of you who've read this blog with any regularity you may have noticed that I am a Democrat, and I lean to the left politically. First of all, I don't even care about the details of this whole Al Gore and his Tennessee power bill thing. There's right wing think tanks all over it anyway. I first heard about it on Air America Radio when they let one of these rightie blowhards get their talking points out about it, and quite expertly at that. Even I thought the guy should get a promotion from the great sales job. There was this other wacko who called in to Air America claiming to be running for president. He said many things like, he loves everybody... well, almost everybody, and he recycles and he doesn't heat his house.

Doesn't heat his house? He went on to explain. Well, he lives in California, which is certainly not Minne-so-cold, am I right? He doesn't have to heat his house, and on that rare occasion when it does get cold in California, he just puts on a jacket! And then it came out... not like that Al Gore. Ah hah!!!!! AH HAHHH!!!! Trapped in his own web. Someone is, I don't know who.

I guess, for me, I need something a little stronger than the following joke: who knew? Someone in Tennessee has electricity. So, here's my question: how about Dick Cheney? How about this deferment-getting draft-dodger getting the Navy to pay HIS power bill? I want a Republican to tell me how this is any different. I want a Republican to tell me that it's totally different because Cheney can't be exposed as a hypocrite, because Cheney has nothing to be hypocritical about. Everyone already knows he's pure evil. Cheney's not trying to be environmentally conscious, because there's a good chance he would be accused by his fellow righties of jamming environmentalism down their throats, which these days is obviously the greater crime, if not the greatest crime of them all. Besides, all the working class Righties who aren't in Cheney's inner circle know better than to speak of the man, or make eye contact with him when in his presence. Also, I'd like to know how many solar panels Cheney has on his house. Or does he just have the diesel generators running 24 hours a day? Just throwing it out there. Oh yeah, didn't I hear something about Cheney's other non-Lesbian daughter working for Halliburton? Well, that's just old fashioned bootstrapping by another unfortunate Republican just trying to make themselves a little more fortunate, right? I mean, it's not Whitewater we're talking about, right?

Wait in line for toilet paper? No thanks.

Sunday, March 18th, 2007

Well, we got past the Ides of March with nary a scratch, but now we must contend with the Ides of April! Far worse, I would offer. Why, I barely cracked the tax booklet yet and we've already got another box office slug-em-out fest to contend with. But enough about 300's sophomore slump. Let's start all the way at the bottom and work our way back to #1, babe, but this time we'll revive that happiness that died.

Dang! Even the creators of Music and Lyrics didn't expect it to last this long, and unlike Hugh's character in About a Boy, he's got no royalties safety net to fall back upon, and in the end, isn't the lack of a safety net what makes things that much more interesting?

Coming in at #9 it's Norbit, which doesn't defy the ancient Movie Title Rule like Music and Lyrics does at #10. Because from now on, when someone says "Norbit", you and I can say "Oh, God! That?" And everybody will know what we're talking about; I mean, everybody here will know exactly what we're talking about; takin' 'bout Norbit stuck on the soles of our shoes.

Sorry, another lyric reference. At #8 it's Zodiac, and there's already Oscar buzz a mere 11 months away. Too bad it's making Oscar-nominated money, too. I think they'd rather have a hit. Speaking of which, Ghost Rider is still riding high at #7, and with 100 million plus in the bank, it has about as good a chance as taking the Republican nomination for 2008 presidential candidate as anyone else. We know better than to try to get Cheney to run, even though it's normally tradition for the VP to run for P. Too bad 41 didn't do like Cheney's going to!

At #6 it's Bridge to Terabithia which is building a bridge to a Bridge to Terabithia sequel. But who will work on Prince Caspian in the meantime?

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Finally! The top 5, and rounding it out is I Think I Love My Wife. Is it (a) just another tale of Monogamy Blues, (b) the latest bomb from Chris Rock, or (c) is this indeed a new day in America? The ultimate triumph of FUBU cinema? A day when black men are allowed to play the same crappy roles that white men traditionally have played? Are We Done Yet? Well, there's another setback along the way, but otherwise I remain hopeful and say the answer to this query is indeed (c).
Moving on to #4 it's Dead Silence, from the lunkheads responsible for the Saw trilogy. Soon to be Saw Quartet, go figure! Things move way too fast for me these days. Anyway, this one is about a puppeteer not too dissimilar from the Saw clown, or whatever it is. Needless to say, if this film doesn't turn a profit, can you even doubt the next one's going to be about a movie producer rising from the grave exacting revenge on a disinterested movie-going public?

At #3 it's everyone's precious Premonition. The only movie in recent memory where they used a Flash ad online to make someone's face out of shrubbery and tree limbs. Well, unless you count Hannibal's face made out of pigeons, but wasn't that long enough ago? Does this mean she doesn't have to make cameo appearances on the G.Lo show anymore?

At #2 brings us Wild Hogs. I'm still speechless.

And finally at #1 it's someone's beloved 300. They're showing that picture of that one ripped dude screaming everywhere. I swear it's Clive Owen! Or at least, they wish they were. I guess that's all to say about it. Apparently it's based on the battle of Thermopylae, only way, WAY less boring. And with that, it's time to close the book on the Box Office this week. We have all tended this garden far too long; I was going to say just me, but frankly we could all use a break. We need to save up our strength for March 23rd, a big day for sequels: Hills have Eyes 2 and the sequel to The Family Man, amongst others. This list is going to look very different indeed! :)

The MRH Review: FAUN'S Labyrinth!

What more to say about Pan's Labyrinth, indeed? Well, I seen it, that much I know. Since he was at the Oscars, Guillermo Del Toro kinda reminds me of the Mexican Bob Zemeckis. There may be someone more qualified in that regard, I don't know, probably Robert Rodriguez, but Del Toro appeals more to adults in my limited experience. The film's still pretty darn high in the IMDb Top 250, which sometimes can be better than any ol' Oscar (3 Oscars: cinematography, makeup, art direction), but we still have to wait for Hellboy 2, don't we?

Anyway, I know it's a good movie and all, but as fantasy it just seems a little threadbare. Personally I need my film fantasies to be more like Terry Gilliam's stuff, or Lord of the Rings. It was different and original, as far as I know, I'll give 'em that. Although I must say that some of the recoil of the bodies getting shot at close range didn't seem realistic; as an action director Guillermo should've paid better attention to that, seeing as how it's a faerie tale for adults and all.

For those who are unfamiliar with the plot, it's about a darling little girl who retreats into her fantasy world at a remote cottage turned temporary army base in post-Franco Spain in World War II. And even though it is a period piece I can't help but draw comparisons to Dubya's White House anyway, as embodied by the cruel stepfather Capitán Vidal. While not an immediate parody of Dubya himself, Vidal seems to me to be an amalgam of Cheney and Rumsfeld, and all the other covert ass-kickers of this administration. The only difference being that Vidal gets his in the end, but before he does he has to do some rather gruesome self-stitchery, which was painful but still didn't look as painful as in Jean de Florette.

The fantasy sequences are few and far in-between, which perhaps makes it one of the best jobs of credibly blending fantasy and reality in recent cinema. Or maybe it's just a sign of the times, I don't know. (notice how both worlds ultimately demand unquestioning loyalty?) And while the online critics will bicker over it, the little girl sure was cute, which makes the ending all the more shocking. Still not dying to see it? Shame on you, then. It's currently out only on Region 3 DVD, so it just may be time to spring for a region-free DVD player.

***1/2

-so sayeth the Movie Review Hooligan

Wild Hogs Can't Be Broken

Oh man! It's well past time to jump back into the game. There's been too much abuse going on for far too long. So let's get into it. It's a real Battle of the Demographics this week. Drop the kids off at Zodiac, while the parents go to 300, something like that. And I'm already behind! They usually update the top 10 at about 2pm on Sunday; at least, that's been my limited experience. Well, let's get right into it this time! We'll be on top of it now.

And I'm glad in a way, because we get a chance to tear Amazing Grace a new one. Clocking in at #10, it's the ancient story behind that great, great Really Old Standard. I guess the religious Right haven't laid claim to it completely yet, because man! Look at those numbers! Only 2.53 million this week, and only 11.4 million total! I guess spendthriftiness must be one of the virtues in the Book of Virtues. C'mon, people! You can't get into heaven without watching Amazing Grace. "Dr." Dobson can't always buy your movie tickets for you!

I know, I'm being far too light on Michael Apted. Maybe the people in Port Angeles, WA were right.... Oh, snap!!!!

At #9 this week it's Breach, just one of four one-word titles this week, that is, if we can count 300 as a one-word title. No? Just the first two trimesters? Okay, skip it.

At #8 it's Music and Lyrics. For the American Idol crowd, it's sort of about how you get the songs you sing. Sort of.

At #7 it's The Number 23. From the director of Batman & Robin. How often do you get to say that? Or how about, from the director of D.C. Cab. Who will get to the Oscar finish line first, Joel or Jim? Maybe The Crowded Room will decide. Or has it been kicking around Hollywood long enough yet? What's it been, about 15 years?

Just shy of the Top 5 it's Norbit, and it's doing so well that they're running the next round of TV spots, showing that there are other people in the film too! A Wayans brother and, Undercover Brother himself! Who knew? Makes me feel sorry for Thandie Newton, sort of.

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And now, the top 5. David Fincher's back, baby! This time, with a real-life Seven, called Zodiac. Now, I'm no Christian or anything, but even I get tired of glorifying serial killers this way. Still, I don't know what's worse, serial killers or the 70s. But you get a little of both here. Don't worry, though: barring any new unforeseen strikes, we'll get Benjamin Button out there yet. Babel 2, they're calling it: Brad, you better work with Angelina again! And soon!

At #4 it's Ghost Rider, the only one to break 100 million this week. This is good news for Nicolas Cage, maybe he can finally get some work now!

At #3 it's (the?) Bridge to Terabithia, and once again, I don't know where the Lion's share of the ad campaign was, Nickelodeon, Noggin, wherever, but the numbers don't lie. Look at those numbers! Able to hold its own against 300, for one. All I know is, this is some kind of vindication for Gabor Csupo. He will no longer be known just for his attachment to the Simpsons and the Rugrats. Onward and upward to the Oscars for Mr. Csupo. Eat it, Al Adamson! Ironically enough, he used to date a girl named Terabithia, but we'll save that for later.

Number 2 brings us Wild Hogs. What can I say? I'm speechless. Some casting agent must've decided that its four stars have made enough bombs on their own, so why not pool their resources and make one big bomb together. Guess they screwed that one up too, huh?

Ah, how the new computer brings new problems. I've just lost the imdB's hyperlinks! Cool! Guess I need to subscribe to it or something. Anyway, at #1 it's 300. Oh, that Frank Miller is hot hot hot! This is a little something he tossed off in between Sin City sequels. Just goes to show that the attrition of Return of the King is still box office gold. But where to go from here? Why not just have one mega-super warrior slaughter a million soldiers? Too implausible? Guess we'll just have to wait for 600 to find out. Oh well.

Just got 'em back, the hyperlinks. Wonder what the hell happened...

And that's all the time I have today. Tune in next week for the next installment of Box Office Hee-Haw. I got about 4 hours before my guests arrive. Can I clean up my pigsty by then? Doubt it. :)