New Rule: Must Attack Historians

Ecch. Still reeling from that little bit of the opening sequence of South Park. They seem to be relying more and more heavily on the spewing of various bodily fluids. That's a lot of cutting and pasting for animation, but back to the matters at hand.

Bill Maher's back, baby! Well, he's been back for about five weeks now. He appeared on Larry King, and more recently on Keith Olbermann, where he once again invoked the sorriest of moments from this presidency, when Dubya sat in that classroom and continued to read My Pet Goat when he learned that the second trade tower fell. Remember that! He went ahead with the photo-op after the first Trade Tower was hit. I think Michael Moore's hypothesis is the answer to the question, What was going through the President's mind when he heard this? He must've been thinking, uh-oh, our Saudi friends are pissed off. Just for that, Bandar gets a slap on the wrist. But on to more recent events. I like to post Maher's 'talking points', because a) he doesn't seem to mind (haven't got my RSS feed up & running yet) and b) it's right on the money. Jokes alone can't hurt this president, we need action, and we need impeachment proceedings. When Clinton was president there was nothing too small for the Republicans to scrutinize, and now there's nothing too big for the Republicans to ignore. I forget who said that, but it could've been Voltaire. Anyway, here's Maher's latest New Rule. I should probably point out that it's from HBO, and there are some profanities in it, so children shouldn't read it, even though the real profanities are in the White House right now...

And finally, New Rule: Traitors don't get to question my patriotism. What could be less patriotic than constantly screwing things up for America? You know, it's literally hard to keep up with the sheer volume of scandals in the Bush Administration, which is why I like to download the latest scandals right onto my iPod. That way I can catch up on this week's Giant Fuck-Up on my drive in to work. In fact, Bush has so many scandals, he could open a chain of Bush Scandal and Fuck-Up theme restaurants. Ooh, should I get the Harriet Miers Meatloaf or the Katrina Krab-cakes?

You know, not to generalize, but the 29& of people who still support President Bush are the ones who love to pronounce themselves more patriotic than the rest of us, but just saying you're patriotic is like saying you have a big cock. If you have to say it, chances are it's not true. (to John Legend: I don't have to tell you...) And indeed, the party that flatters itself that they protect America better is the party that has exhausted the military, left the ports wide open, and purposefully outed a CIA agent, Valerie Plame. That's not treason anymore, outing a spy? Did I mention it was one of OUR spies? And how despicable that Bush's lackies attempted to diminish this crime by belittling her service, like she was just some chick who hung around the CIA. "An intern, really. Groupie, if you want to be mean about it."

No. Big lie. Valerie Plame was the CIA's operational officer in charge of counter-proliferation. Which means, she tracked loose nukes. So when Bush said, as he once did, that his absolute number one priority was preventing terrorists from getting loose nukes ... okay, that's what she worked on. That's what she devoted her life to, staying undercover for twenty years, maintaining two identities every god damn day. This is extraordinary service to your country. Valerie Plame was the kind of real life secret agent George Bush dreams of being when he's not too busy pretending to be a cowboy or a fighter pilot.

CIA agents are troops. This was a military assassination of one of our own, done through the press, ordered by Karl Rove. He said of Valerie Plame, "She's fair game". And then Cheney shot him. George Bush likes to claim that he doesn't question his critics' patriotism, just their judgment. Well, let me be the first of your critics, Mr. President, to question your judgment and your patriotism. Because let's not forget why they did it to her, because Valerie Plame was married to this guy Joe Wilson, who the Bush people hated because he busted them on one of their bullshit reasons for invading Iraq. He was sent to the African country of Niger to see if Niger were selling nucear fuel to Iraq. They weren't, it was bullshit, and he said so. In fact, his report was called, "Niger, please!"

Valerie Plame's husband told the truth about their lies, so they were willing to jeopardize an entire network of spies to ruin her life. Wow! Even the mob doesn't go after your family. Mark Twain said, "Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserve it.", and I say Valerie Plame is a patriot, because she spent her life servnig her country. 'Scooter' Libby is not because he spent his life serving Dick Cheney. Valerie Plame kept her secrets; the Bush administration leaked like the plumbing at Walter Reed. (uneasy reaction from the crowd for some reason... Too soon?) In the year 2008 I really think Hillary Clinton should run for President on a platform of restoring honor and integrity to the Oval Office.

It was one of our spies. That should be a bigger laugh if it wasn't so sad. This country doesn't deserve Mrs. Plame's service. And she is pretty good-looking, I have to admit that.
What else? Like father, like son: one of the big sound-bytes from the Bush-Dukakis days was the two of them saying "I don't question his patriotism, but I do question his judgment." But I for one don't want to go back to the days of Willie Horton tearing down the Berlin wall. Many do pine for the days of the Evil Empire, though. Guess we were just lucky that the Cold War pretty much managed itself, unlike today's... G.S.A.E.? (Global Struggle Against Extremism?) Somebody check the folder on Rummie's desk at the Pentagon. What are we calling it these days?

On the other end of the spectrum, compare that with Dennis Miller's recent appearance on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Jon, seriously, meet ME at camera 3. I know you guys go back and all, but seriously, Miller's just really pathetic now. Sure, he keeps himself fit and all, and I guess he's saved some money, but people like to beat up on Robin Williams too, and Miller's got this pre-digested stuff in the can ready to spew like the riff on Marathon Man: if you hang around long enough, the record starts to skip. Great movie, by the way. And sure, it's easy to pick on the elder statesmen of the Democrats like Robert Byrd and all; in fact, my good friend whose opinion I trust went much further than that, asking if Dennis Miller is in sixth grade. Next thing he'll be saying Senator Byrd has poopy-pants. Meanwhile, Strom Thurmond has just been elected the Mayor of his section of his graveyard, although a recount has been demanded. Maybe Dennis can take over on 'the 1/2 hour News Hour' on Fox News when his latest radio show gets cancelled. Or just stay at the guest house in Kennebunkport at the Bush compound and save us all a lot of trouble.

Peace out :)

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Folks, the penis enlargement emails are encroaching once again in my email. Not content to merely stay in my Bulk Mail folder, which can only mean it's time for another week's worth of Box Office duke-em-outs! Does size really matter, ladies? Isn't an arms race as such fundamentally dangerous? Shouldn't we as a nation be more obsessed with the proverbial motion of the ocean? Maybe someday we'll turn the tide, if only for the sake of the melting polar ice caps, but there I go mexing my mitaphors again, I'm afraid.

Meanwhile a cabal of mathematicians at Palo Alto finally solved the Lie group E8 math puzzle. Kinda makes me wish I visited the Lie group E8 websites before this was done. It'll be hard to find a site now that's not trying to cash in on the craze. But anyway, back to the bizness at hand of the Box Office Business. This week featured a good many new fresh contenders in the ol' Movie Meat Grinder, but the turtles have it! Hurrah for PG movies, they'll make a comeback yet. But let us turn back the clock and start from #10. I was going to go with the cumulative totals, but it works out pretty much the same anyway. Ah, screw it.
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But even before we get to that, let's pay a brief tribute to all those films from last week that are no longer on the box office list.

Music and Lyrics

Norbit

Zodiac

Ghost Rider

Bridge to Terabithia

I Think I Love My Wife

Man! What a regular Box Office Colonic!

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This week, at #10 it's one of last week's survivors, Dead Silence, the latest variation on the ol' Alien theme: in space, no one can hear you scream. Of course, these days, at a movie like Dead Silence, you might just hear the audience laugh at moments the filmmakers probably didn't intend to be unintentionally funny. Audiences are just growing numb to the horror and the romance genres in genral, don'tcha think?

Pride comes in at #9. Oh, I saw an online ad for this! That's all I ever saw for it. Guess I wasn't watching the right channels or something. Even Bernie Mac wants to forget this one. He'd almost rather do a Guess Who sequel at this point, but there's always Ocean's 13 to look forward to, right? And I kinda hope the other guy doesn't turn into another Cuba Gooding Jr. That would be bad, right, Spike?

Ah, and far too soon we arrive at Reign Over Me, at #8? Only #8? This is an outrage! Click made more money its third week! The way they were talking about it in the ads you'd'a thought it'd done a lot better than this. But after all it is an Oscar contender of sorts, so it has to make Oscar money, right? For those who don't know, Oscar money is a lot less than Blockbuster money. Generally the Oscar films don't crack the top 5, and barely make it to between 6 and 10. Except for the occasional anomaly like Lord of the Rings. But back to Reign, the alchemical blend of Sandler and Binder. Me myself, I blame Spielberg for putting Binder in Minority Report. It gave wings to his otherwise flailing career. I mean, for God's sake! He couldn't even sustain a sitcom on HBO! As for the film itself, the premise is that Adam Sandler lost his whole family on 9/11. Not to be too cynical, but what the hell, everyone else is at this point on the big 9/11: did anyone really lose their whole family in 9/11? Were there day care centers for the whole family in those business-oriented Trade Towers? Not only that, but evidently Sandler's character got insurance money for his 9/11 loss, which may very well make him the only 9/11 victim that has gotten insurance company money yet.

Coming at lucky number seven, it's The Last Mimzy, and out of resepct to Michael Phillips, some of the ads were calling it the best film since, you guessed it! CE3K, of course! I think they also lumped E.T. in there, too. The film itself seems a bit more like Zathura, but I don't think we want to go there at all.

And the would be hits just keep on coming. You know, rarely in this bizness do we see the rising of a whole new studio. Traffic gave us USA Films, The Peacemaker introduced us to DreamWorks, I think... anyone remember Savoy? Those running buffalo? Just me? How about Mandalay with the tiger vanity logo? The only film I remember associating with MAndalay was that Dennis Rodman / Van-Damme flic. (Man! Belloq falling on even harder times than usual.) Anyway, we have a new studio now: Fox Atomic, and they bring us The Hills have Eyes 2. And not a moment too soon, I'm afraid. Obviously it's a paean to the Iraq war, or a tribute, I can't tell which. And the bad guys are probably supposed to be the Iraqis, but only those Iraqis who still aren't standing up so that we can sit down in this ever increasingly more dangerous game of Bloody Musical Chairs that is the... what are we calling it this month? The Global Struggle against the Camel Jockeys? Let's face it, folks. With so many threats looming, Saudi Arabia threatening to deflate the dollar, and China and Wal-Mart threatening to make permanent the bottom line, the only thing that can save America is some good old fashioned World War II-era stereotyping. It probably wouldn't play as well in the European Union, but what else can we do to mobilize our own troops? The point being, the rest of the world hates us already, right? Even more so than during Monica-gate?
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And now the better half. Clinging to it at #5 is Premonition. Someone has to post the inevitable review: "Not as bad as you've been led to believe."

Wild Hogs at #4. Still speechless. Although I can imagine where it'll go in the Disney collection: between "The Wild" and ... Xanadu? "Old Yeller"? Guess I don't really care.

And finally! Seems like we've had to wait forever for this one. It's Shooter at #3. One of the TV spots had some subliminal messages in it, but I guess I'm not interested enough to decipher them. Maybe next week if this is still in the top 10. Doesn't Marky Mark look so damn cool in those shades, though?

At #2, it's 300, and it's closing in on the 200 million mark. Almost two thirds of the way there! They had an unfunny bit on SNL last night about the filming of the movie. It used to be, a long time ago, that SNL bits had more dimension than just one, back when Robert Smigel was on the writing staff, and Jon Lovitz fought valiantly against the writers' snobbishness, bringing balance to that force.

And finally, at #1, someone's latest triumph of marketing, it's TMNT, and not in some quasi wussy Muppet form. It's all CGI, baby, and all the better for it. Well, one way they prepped our appetites was by showing some recent TV incarnation of the turtles on TV, on Fox if I remember correctly. Anyway, kudos. And finally! The new Weinstein Company has a hit. Suck on that, Clerks 2. As for the Turtles themselves, they've been in the biz going on about 20 years now. It's been a long road and they're still crawling along it. All I know is that Turtles' co-creator Kevin Eastman is married to Julie Strain, that's all I know for sure about the man. Lucky bastid.

And that's about all the damage I can do this week as far as the Box Office is concerned. And now, back to the taxes, if I don't fall asleep first.

Late night aneurysm

Three o'clock in the morning, it came without warning. Ah, I love cable. In what other medium can you go from Cape Fear to For Your Eyes Only? I mean, seriously? What lunatic is going to make such off-handed selections in a video store or off of Netflix? Anyway, time every once in a while to get up on my high horse, as someone has to on occasion. Me myself, I fear I'm far too susceptible to the opinions of the culture at large, and I just want to say this before I begin to live the rest of my life with the meme rattling around in my head of Gore / power bill. For those of you who've read this blog with any regularity you may have noticed that I am a Democrat, and I lean to the left politically. First of all, I don't even care about the details of this whole Al Gore and his Tennessee power bill thing. There's right wing think tanks all over it anyway. I first heard about it on Air America Radio when they let one of these rightie blowhards get their talking points out about it, and quite expertly at that. Even I thought the guy should get a promotion from the great sales job. There was this other wacko who called in to Air America claiming to be running for president. He said many things like, he loves everybody... well, almost everybody, and he recycles and he doesn't heat his house.

Doesn't heat his house? He went on to explain. Well, he lives in California, which is certainly not Minne-so-cold, am I right? He doesn't have to heat his house, and on that rare occasion when it does get cold in California, he just puts on a jacket! And then it came out... not like that Al Gore. Ah hah!!!!! AH HAHHH!!!! Trapped in his own web. Someone is, I don't know who.

I guess, for me, I need something a little stronger than the following joke: who knew? Someone in Tennessee has electricity. So, here's my question: how about Dick Cheney? How about this deferment-getting draft-dodger getting the Navy to pay HIS power bill? I want a Republican to tell me how this is any different. I want a Republican to tell me that it's totally different because Cheney can't be exposed as a hypocrite, because Cheney has nothing to be hypocritical about. Everyone already knows he's pure evil. Cheney's not trying to be environmentally conscious, because there's a good chance he would be accused by his fellow righties of jamming environmentalism down their throats, which these days is obviously the greater crime, if not the greatest crime of them all. Besides, all the working class Righties who aren't in Cheney's inner circle know better than to speak of the man, or make eye contact with him when in his presence. Also, I'd like to know how many solar panels Cheney has on his house. Or does he just have the diesel generators running 24 hours a day? Just throwing it out there. Oh yeah, didn't I hear something about Cheney's other non-Lesbian daughter working for Halliburton? Well, that's just old fashioned bootstrapping by another unfortunate Republican just trying to make themselves a little more fortunate, right? I mean, it's not Whitewater we're talking about, right?

Wait in line for toilet paper? No thanks.

Sunday, March 18th, 2007

Well, we got past the Ides of March with nary a scratch, but now we must contend with the Ides of April! Far worse, I would offer. Why, I barely cracked the tax booklet yet and we've already got another box office slug-em-out fest to contend with. But enough about 300's sophomore slump. Let's start all the way at the bottom and work our way back to #1, babe, but this time we'll revive that happiness that died.

Dang! Even the creators of Music and Lyrics didn't expect it to last this long, and unlike Hugh's character in About a Boy, he's got no royalties safety net to fall back upon, and in the end, isn't the lack of a safety net what makes things that much more interesting?

Coming in at #9 it's Norbit, which doesn't defy the ancient Movie Title Rule like Music and Lyrics does at #10. Because from now on, when someone says "Norbit", you and I can say "Oh, God! That?" And everybody will know what we're talking about; I mean, everybody here will know exactly what we're talking about; takin' 'bout Norbit stuck on the soles of our shoes.

Sorry, another lyric reference. At #8 it's Zodiac, and there's already Oscar buzz a mere 11 months away. Too bad it's making Oscar-nominated money, too. I think they'd rather have a hit. Speaking of which, Ghost Rider is still riding high at #7, and with 100 million plus in the bank, it has about as good a chance as taking the Republican nomination for 2008 presidential candidate as anyone else. We know better than to try to get Cheney to run, even though it's normally tradition for the VP to run for P. Too bad 41 didn't do like Cheney's going to!

At #6 it's Bridge to Terabithia which is building a bridge to a Bridge to Terabithia sequel. But who will work on Prince Caspian in the meantime?

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Finally! The top 5, and rounding it out is I Think I Love My Wife. Is it (a) just another tale of Monogamy Blues, (b) the latest bomb from Chris Rock, or (c) is this indeed a new day in America? The ultimate triumph of FUBU cinema? A day when black men are allowed to play the same crappy roles that white men traditionally have played? Are We Done Yet? Well, there's another setback along the way, but otherwise I remain hopeful and say the answer to this query is indeed (c).
Moving on to #4 it's Dead Silence, from the lunkheads responsible for the Saw trilogy. Soon to be Saw Quartet, go figure! Things move way too fast for me these days. Anyway, this one is about a puppeteer not too dissimilar from the Saw clown, or whatever it is. Needless to say, if this film doesn't turn a profit, can you even doubt the next one's going to be about a movie producer rising from the grave exacting revenge on a disinterested movie-going public?

At #3 it's everyone's precious Premonition. The only movie in recent memory where they used a Flash ad online to make someone's face out of shrubbery and tree limbs. Well, unless you count Hannibal's face made out of pigeons, but wasn't that long enough ago? Does this mean she doesn't have to make cameo appearances on the G.Lo show anymore?

At #2 brings us Wild Hogs. I'm still speechless.

And finally at #1 it's someone's beloved 300. They're showing that picture of that one ripped dude screaming everywhere. I swear it's Clive Owen! Or at least, they wish they were. I guess that's all to say about it. Apparently it's based on the battle of Thermopylae, only way, WAY less boring. And with that, it's time to close the book on the Box Office this week. We have all tended this garden far too long; I was going to say just me, but frankly we could all use a break. We need to save up our strength for March 23rd, a big day for sequels: Hills have Eyes 2 and the sequel to The Family Man, amongst others. This list is going to look very different indeed! :)

The MRH Review: FAUN'S Labyrinth!

What more to say about Pan's Labyrinth, indeed? Well, I seen it, that much I know. Since he was at the Oscars, Guillermo Del Toro kinda reminds me of the Mexican Bob Zemeckis. There may be someone more qualified in that regard, I don't know, probably Robert Rodriguez, but Del Toro appeals more to adults in my limited experience. The film's still pretty darn high in the IMDb Top 250, which sometimes can be better than any ol' Oscar (3 Oscars: cinematography, makeup, art direction), but we still have to wait for Hellboy 2, don't we?

Anyway, I know it's a good movie and all, but as fantasy it just seems a little threadbare. Personally I need my film fantasies to be more like Terry Gilliam's stuff, or Lord of the Rings. It was different and original, as far as I know, I'll give 'em that. Although I must say that some of the recoil of the bodies getting shot at close range didn't seem realistic; as an action director Guillermo should've paid better attention to that, seeing as how it's a faerie tale for adults and all.

For those who are unfamiliar with the plot, it's about a darling little girl who retreats into her fantasy world at a remote cottage turned temporary army base in post-Franco Spain in World War II. And even though it is a period piece I can't help but draw comparisons to Dubya's White House anyway, as embodied by the cruel stepfather Capitán Vidal. While not an immediate parody of Dubya himself, Vidal seems to me to be an amalgam of Cheney and Rumsfeld, and all the other covert ass-kickers of this administration. The only difference being that Vidal gets his in the end, but before he does he has to do some rather gruesome self-stitchery, which was painful but still didn't look as painful as in Jean de Florette.

The fantasy sequences are few and far in-between, which perhaps makes it one of the best jobs of credibly blending fantasy and reality in recent cinema. Or maybe it's just a sign of the times, I don't know. (notice how both worlds ultimately demand unquestioning loyalty?) And while the online critics will bicker over it, the little girl sure was cute, which makes the ending all the more shocking. Still not dying to see it? Shame on you, then. It's currently out only on Region 3 DVD, so it just may be time to spring for a region-free DVD player.

***1/2

-so sayeth the Movie Review Hooligan

Wild Hogs Can't Be Broken

Oh man! It's well past time to jump back into the game. There's been too much abuse going on for far too long. So let's get into it. It's a real Battle of the Demographics this week. Drop the kids off at Zodiac, while the parents go to 300, something like that. And I'm already behind! They usually update the top 10 at about 2pm on Sunday; at least, that's been my limited experience. Well, let's get right into it this time! We'll be on top of it now.

And I'm glad in a way, because we get a chance to tear Amazing Grace a new one. Clocking in at #10, it's the ancient story behind that great, great Really Old Standard. I guess the religious Right haven't laid claim to it completely yet, because man! Look at those numbers! Only 2.53 million this week, and only 11.4 million total! I guess spendthriftiness must be one of the virtues in the Book of Virtues. C'mon, people! You can't get into heaven without watching Amazing Grace. "Dr." Dobson can't always buy your movie tickets for you!

I know, I'm being far too light on Michael Apted. Maybe the people in Port Angeles, WA were right.... Oh, snap!!!!

At #9 this week it's Breach, just one of four one-word titles this week, that is, if we can count 300 as a one-word title. No? Just the first two trimesters? Okay, skip it.

At #8 it's Music and Lyrics. For the American Idol crowd, it's sort of about how you get the songs you sing. Sort of.

At #7 it's The Number 23. From the director of Batman & Robin. How often do you get to say that? Or how about, from the director of D.C. Cab. Who will get to the Oscar finish line first, Joel or Jim? Maybe The Crowded Room will decide. Or has it been kicking around Hollywood long enough yet? What's it been, about 15 years?

Just shy of the Top 5 it's Norbit, and it's doing so well that they're running the next round of TV spots, showing that there are other people in the film too! A Wayans brother and, Undercover Brother himself! Who knew? Makes me feel sorry for Thandie Newton, sort of.

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And now, the top 5. David Fincher's back, baby! This time, with a real-life Seven, called Zodiac. Now, I'm no Christian or anything, but even I get tired of glorifying serial killers this way. Still, I don't know what's worse, serial killers or the 70s. But you get a little of both here. Don't worry, though: barring any new unforeseen strikes, we'll get Benjamin Button out there yet. Babel 2, they're calling it: Brad, you better work with Angelina again! And soon!

At #4 it's Ghost Rider, the only one to break 100 million this week. This is good news for Nicolas Cage, maybe he can finally get some work now!

At #3 it's (the?) Bridge to Terabithia, and once again, I don't know where the Lion's share of the ad campaign was, Nickelodeon, Noggin, wherever, but the numbers don't lie. Look at those numbers! Able to hold its own against 300, for one. All I know is, this is some kind of vindication for Gabor Csupo. He will no longer be known just for his attachment to the Simpsons and the Rugrats. Onward and upward to the Oscars for Mr. Csupo. Eat it, Al Adamson! Ironically enough, he used to date a girl named Terabithia, but we'll save that for later.

Number 2 brings us Wild Hogs. What can I say? I'm speechless. Some casting agent must've decided that its four stars have made enough bombs on their own, so why not pool their resources and make one big bomb together. Guess they screwed that one up too, huh?

Ah, how the new computer brings new problems. I've just lost the imdB's hyperlinks! Cool! Guess I need to subscribe to it or something. Anyway, at #1 it's 300. Oh, that Frank Miller is hot hot hot! This is a little something he tossed off in between Sin City sequels. Just goes to show that the attrition of Return of the King is still box office gold. But where to go from here? Why not just have one mega-super warrior slaughter a million soldiers? Too implausible? Guess we'll just have to wait for 600 to find out. Oh well.

Just got 'em back, the hyperlinks. Wonder what the hell happened...

And that's all the time I have today. Tune in next week for the next installment of Box Office Hee-Haw. I got about 4 hours before my guests arrive. Can I clean up my pigsty by then? Doubt it. :)

Last-Minute Oscar Pic(k)s

All right, let's get this over with. We've got about 3 hours before the damn thing starts. What new features are they going to have this year to speed up the process? A live blog where the winners get to say everything they wanted to? Some kind of assembly line? Let's face it, folks: America's at the bottom of the list of countries that have the most fun. I say, if it takes 5 hours, let it take 5 hours! We gotta compete with Otro Rollo sometime!

So, what do we have left? Well, before I saw The Departed I was predicting a Scorsese sweep, and I don't think I heard any critic badmouth the movie. And then, I saw it on DVD. Sigh. Well, my close confidant was really down on it, more so than me, lumping it in with other Scorsese disasterpieces like New York, New York and Gangs of New York. Those are the big two. I'm a little more positive, and I say at least Gangs of New York had some production value and got out of that ballroom once in a while. Costco has also responded to a changing marketplace; the latest Scorsese 4-DVD collection features GoodFellas, The Aviator, The Departed and Mean Streets. Well, 3 out of 4 ain't bad. The previous one had New York, New York in it; I can't remember what else.

Time once again for the heading: What makes a bad movie bad? My confidant called The Departed a GoodFellas remake, but with the Joker from Batman, which I find an apt description. You know, reliving the glory days of Witches of Eastwick as the ultra-cool ladies man, 3 ladies at a time. And why not? With a re-locale to the mean streets of Boston this time. A little more parking on the streets out there, I guess. And somehow it's more profane than even GoodFellas was. The difference is that GoodFellas' language was less misogynistic. (not as much domestic violence in The Departed.)

At times the movie seemed like its own trailer, as plot developments were being crammed down our throats. And yes, that's a bad thing. If you had to pick from the Internet or cellphones, to decide which technological development is more likely to destroy movies, after watching The Departed I'd say cellphones. Remember Cellular? At least they didn't spend all kind of time sitting quietly in front of a laptop like in Assassins. What was that all about?

(spoiler alert) Also, I guess I was the only one who remembered this, but the ending reminded me of The World According to Garp, which ends with everyone getting shot. Original at the time, but what price originality, I say? So in summation, there is no Dances with Wolves this time to take away from Scorsese's Oscar gold, nor was he backed by one or more Weinsteins this go-round, so he's a shoe-in for an Oscar this time. But who knows, maybe the Academy will still shy away from rewarding extreme movie violence and give it to Babel instead. Better make The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt the best thing you've ever made, Marty.

** 1/2 stars; so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

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Now, on to the rest of these damn Oscars. Best picture; I'd like to say Babel, as Jon Kilik once worked with the Coens and he'll finally get some gold, but I'm going to say The Queen, because isn't it time to reward some class?

Best actor, well, Peter O'Toole got that one award at the Oscars a while back and he got to make a speech, so I'm going to give it to Forest Whitaker, but really, the Academy'll be voting for Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Best Lead Actress; well, Taylor, I'll go along with everyone else and say Helen Mirren. Still, is there a slight chance Cruz could pull out a last-minute victory? If so, it's only because the Academy loved her so much in Woman on Top.

Best Supporting Actress: Scandal, indeed! How could Blanchett get nominated for Notes on a Scandal and not Babel? Or The Good German? Well, like Clooney once said, either way she'd lose. I'm going with Abigail Breslin, because I'm not ready to never hear the end of another accolade for American Idol. Look out, Anna Paquin and Keisha Castle Hughes, you've all been bested!

Best Direction; I'll go with another longshot and say Paul Greengrass for United 93. Why not. Wouldn't that be funny if I turned out to be right? :)

Best Cinematography; despite my prediction of a Pan sweep, I'm going against the grain here. It's a contentious field by men with their best work behind them. I'm sure Vilmos is tired of being known for CE3K. I'm going to say the two magic pics will split the vote, and Children of Men will get it, but only because the Academy really wanted to vote for 12 Monkeys.

Art Direction: Lots of set decorators nominated this year! I never noticed or cared about that before. Well, I was going to say Dreamgirls so that Coen co-conspirator Nancy Haigh could get some Oscar gold, but looks like it's going to that former Coen co-conspirator Rick Heinrichs, who's left them far behind and enjoyed greater success with Tim Burton and the pirates. Godspeed, Heinrichs, ya Kraut!

Best Costume: Normally, I'd say the winner's Colleen Atwood but she's surprisingly absent this year. There are, however, five very costume-oriented nominees this year. I was going to predict Dreamgirls, but The Devil wears Prada was number 1 with 27 million dollars. Gotta go with Prada, because Prada does work in mysterious ways.

Editing: Well, Schoonmaker's already got Oscar gold in the bag, so she's out. Gonna have to go with Stephen Mirrione, because Babel is the best Traffic-esque film he's won for since, well, Traffic! Need more be said? I submit that more need not!

Best original song: Melissa Etheridge, snowball in hell's chance. That leaves 3 from Dreamgirls and one from Cars. Now, normally I'd pick a Dreamgirls song due to that whole... what do you call that theory? You throw enough glue against the wall, and some of it is bound to stick. What do you call that theory? Also, Randy Newman already won for Monsters, Inc., but Cars did make more money than Dreamgirls so I'm going with Cars. I mean, seeing as how he put such a great effort into his last Oscar speech, who wouldn't want to hear him get another one? Of course, everyone will really be voting for Randy's song, Political Science, which he performed most recently on The Colbert Report. Lotta Colbert-heads out there in the voting Academy.

Best original score: Well, no John Williams or Danny Elfman this year, that's all I need to know. And I don't think we need another Newman to hog all the awards, thank you very much. Gonna go with Philip Glass for Notes on a Scandal, even though it's really a vote for The Thin Blue Line.

Best short documentary: I'm predicting what always wins: the documentary with a colon in the title, and this year it's Two Hands: The Leon Fleisher Story.

Best foreign language film of the year: It's Pan's Labyrinth, and they're just lucky that Babel wasn't in this category! :)

And then of course, there's the nerd oscars. I couldn't believe it, an award actually goes to a camera this time (Arriflex; look on eBay, you'll find one...) and not just George Lucas's latest software bundle. A clear victory for the neo-Luddites. Host Maggie Gyllenhaal? I thought they usually went with Esquire's Woman of the Year, which would've been Scarlett Johansson. Maybe Esquire should stop robbing the cradle for a while.

While they can't give an oscar to Al Gore, twelve hippie types won for ... "For their contributions to the environmentally responsible industry conversion from silver-based to cyan dye analog soundtracks. " Okay, but, some are going to say it's the Beginning of the End! Not me, of course.

And finally, another Lucas protegé Richard Edlund gets the Army's Medal of Commendation ... wait, that's an Oscar? Hmm! Never heard of that. He's getting it this year because The Judas Project is making a comeback in popularity, and last month it finally broke even! It's all profits from now on, baby. It was all worth it.

Man, these Oscars have worn me out. But sometimes you gotta do these things, and if you're in the biz of reviewing movies there's almost nothing more important than your opinion on who's gonna win. And so there you have it. I think the second most important thing is knowing what movie you'd take with you to a deserted island, because that's still the cartoonists' scenario, isn't it? Picture it: you're trapped on a deserted island with only five feet of sand around you and the one palm tree to lean up against. Now, assuming it's not the back of some large submerged turtle, what one movie would you want to have with you that you would watch til the end of time, which would only be a couple years given the current rate of ice cap meltage; again, assuming it's not a ginat turtle that could float with the rising tide. I've given this a lot of thought, and the movie I would of course want is Cast Away. Duh! I'm outta here, you bastards. :)

hello pvoogttkdedllcrmkaen

And now, another MRH exclusive: it's time for the Maxim Magazine review of Dr. Strangelove:

Yeah, it's a classic and all, but here's my two points: 1) I don't like black and white movies, and 2) I'm still trying to figure out this one plot point. At the beginning of the film, George C. Scott has a choice: leave and go start World War 3, or stay and have hot sex with his hotter secretary, and he chooses World War 3? Is he gay? If that's the way it's going to be, maybe humanity deserves to die in a thermonuclear holocaust.

Okay, on to the box office tallies. I guess Ghost Rider's no surprise; I just wonder what percentage of that 52 million total was spent on advertising... 50 percent? 60? Meanwhile, Bridge to Terabithia is yet another one of those complete surprises coming out of some left field I'm obviously not in touch with.. What is it? Nickelodeon? You Tube? My Space? Someday I shall find out!

Meantime, Norbit still spins strong, this time at #3, and unlike Stomp the Yard it's managed to stay out of the IMDb's Bottom 100, which is more than I can say for... Pluto Nash? Does Murphy have a film in the bottom 100? Well, if Best Defense doesn't qualify, nothing will!

Number 4 brings us Music and Lyrics, and so romance lives on another day. Which brings us to Daddy's Little Girls... uh, excuse me! Shouldn't that be Tyler Perry's Daddy's Little Girls? Must've been a Wednesday release. Don't despair, Tyler, you'll get to #1 again. You may just have to settle for another Madea project to do it, but we can't pick our fate, now, can we?

Meanwhile, Breach debuts at #6. Oh sure, they thought the one-word title movies would reign forever. There will be quite a spate of them throughout the year, but with titles like Ghost Rider and Terabithia, you can't help but think maybe you should've had another word in the title. Oh well. C'est la vie. Maybe we'll remember you for next year's oscars, maybe not...

Hannibal still falling at #7. Does this still mean we'll see Anthony Hopkins at some point in Hannibal 5? Why not? I just found out Shrek 4 is in the works.. Stranger things have happened.

Because I said so's magic must be wearing off, because now it's at #8. I don't think they said for it to do THAT!

Night at the Museum is having that proverbial cigarette in bed at #9 with almost 250 million in the bag. Fockers 3, Madagascar 2, here we come!

And finally, horror is just barely not dead at the box office this week with The Messengers at #10. Apparently, the tag line of the film is as follows: "There is evidence to suggest that children are highly susceptible to paranormal phenomena. They see what adults cannot. They believe what adults deny. And they are trying to warn us. " Uh, ever heard of The Sixth Sense? Duh! Of course, Haley Joel didn't really have much to warn us about, but I swear he spent that whole movie with his feet in a bucket of ice water. I swear it. But he's a true Southern gentlemen, because he's not one to Soak and Tell.

Well, that's it for the box office totals this week. If you need more information, check out the latest issue of Daily Variety, where you can read the Top 50 of the week! Oh sure, it's interesting and educational and all, at least at first, but once you get to about #25 on the list, well, it gets downright depressing by that point. Almost as depressing as, say, the saga of Zyzzyx Road.

Charlie Murphy! ()

Here's a tribute to the real star of this week's Box Office, Charlie Q. Murphy, one of the co-screenwriters of this week's #1 hit, Norbit, and who plays Taxi Driver in Night at the Museum, the #1 cumulative total on this week's box office, hands down. Happy-ness came close to 200 million, but didn't make it. Probably could've used some of that Charlie Murphy magic!

Anyway, I'm back, baby! Got a new computer and everything, but it'll still take a long time to enter in all those hyperlinks. Still gotta roll pizza dough by hand. Also, I don't know if I like wireless keyboards and mouse, but oh well. I've lucked out so far by not having dueling remote controls with my flamboyant neighbors yet.

Oh but enough about me. Let's get into it. At #10 it's The Queen, which they're calling the Best Reviewed Movie of the year, whatever that means. All I know is the Oscar gap broke up Alec and Kim. I hate to see that happen to Helen Mirren and Taylor Hackford.

Dangerously close to 100 million, a first for Bill Condon, it's Dreamgirls at #9. It's sure to win something at this year's Academy Awards, probably one for Song. Nuff said.

And one that probably will win for everything BUT song, it's Pan's Labyrinth at #8. I saw it; not bad. A little more like Hellboy than I'm sure the critics would care to admit. What I want to know is, who's the genius that could've gone with Faun's Labyrinth, but changed the name to Pan's Labyrinth for us American rubes? And are they getting windfall profits from that piece of marketing genius? Preferably in the form of T-Shirt royalties? Just wondering.

Smokin' Aces at #7. Yawn. Does this mean a re-configuration on the show Entourage? I thnk so!!!

Epic Movie at #6. Must be the re-fall of Taj. But I tell you what, at least that Harold and Kumar sequel got green-lit which is more than I can say for Dude, Where's my car 2.

-----

And now, we're closer to the Godly light as we enter the more exclusive hall of the Top 5, rounded out by that unstoppable mammoth, Night at the Museum, which should be gone in time for that Reno 911 movie. No double dipping, guys! Don't be greedy.

The Messengers at #4, or as it's known in the biz, Sam Raimi Tax Write-Off.

Because I Said So is kicking ass and taking names at #3. Why? Because they said so. Boo-yah! And it's also a major victory for that nerdy villain from Brewster's Millions who almost ruined that movie...

Hannibal Rising at #2, but unfortunately it probably won't rise any higher than #2. I just hope there's no corny ending like in Red Dragon where they tie the two movies together..

And finally, proving he's still the king of the Box Office, it's Norbit, the movie that was shot into orbit by a vigorous ad campaign and easily dominated this week, raking in 20 million more than that bastard Hannibal. Who to chalk it up to a greater victory for: Sandler-esque cinema, or the new wave of FUBU cross-dressers, like Big Momma and Tyler Perry, who by the way, his Daddy's Little Girls is coming out soon, and is sure to make hay of Norbit, so watch that hotfoot, Norbit! Me myself, I always kinda liked when Tracy Morgan would do Star Jones on SNL or what's her name, Estelle Parsons? Reminded me of Terry Jones in drag somehow, as in he was one of the best I'd ever seen. Well, second to Dame Edna, but I digress. Congrats, Norbit!

...Della Reese! That's who I was thinking of. Sorry, forgot to take my gingko biloba today. See, if you forget to take it, your memory won't be bolstered, and you'll be totally buggered; kinduva Catch 31. Well, that's about all the damage I can do this week. Stay tuned for more updates, and remember, it's STILL just a flashlight!

Ever have one of those days?

Well, if I don't get to this now I never will. Just made the big Google change-over; that is, they finally made it easy enough. I didn't get that confirmation e-mail last time. But anyway! No word on Colbert yet, either. sigh...

The box office. Not quite Valentine's Day yet, but Mandy Moore's already making an impact. She's kinda cute, but she got a little catty on that one mag cover she's doing this month. Why do you gotta go after Nicole Richie like that?

But at #10 this week, The Queen's still got it. She can do it all, except bring Di and Dodi back. Happyness is at #9, damn close to 200 million domestic. Guess it'll have to do it overseas. C'mon, corporations! Shell up.

Pan's Lab at #8. Only 21 mill total, but hey. Even The Shining didn't do so well when it first come out, but look at it now! It's a classic, and more importantly, they spoofed it on The Simpsons.

Meanwhile, Dreamgirls edges closer and closer to 100 million, which improves Eddie Murphy's Oscar chances. However, two weeks ago we reported that Bill Condon was interested in working again with Murphy on C-I-L-L My Landlord: The Motion Picture, but unfortunately Eddie backed out. He reportedly backed out when Condon showed him some 2nd unit work already done of prison sequences, which apparently made American History X look like Pippi Longstocking. Oh well. C'est la guerre. Onward to Shrek 3!

Stomp the Yard keeps on a'stompin' at #6, followed by Smokin' Aces at 5. Viva Poker!

Night at the Museum crosses the 225 million dollar mark at #4. Damn, this movie is like, it's own mint!

Epic Movie hangs in there at #3, and finally!!! We get to Because I Said So, which once again proves I haven't got my fingers on the Box Office pulse, but I do know that Norbit's going through the roof. I don't know where they advertized, but they did it! Big #2! Diane Keaton's STILL Back, baby! With this, and The Family Stone, she's proven F. Scott Fitzgerald's famous assertion wrong, that there are no 2nd acts in American lives.

I just realizehile Norton AINg! - I mean, I just realized: I HATE doing this while McAfee's running! I gotta go...

Hey, Colbert! Check & Mate!

The cover of the most latest Newsweek has Paris Hilton looking slightly different, with her arm around Britney Spears. While I was trying to figure out who's the more degraded of the two I noticed some of the words on the cover, and their main point was of what they call 'The Girls Gone Wild Effect'. Oh, sure, it's a sign of the internet's lowering our cultural bar, but I still say it's better than the CSI Effect some have talked about, which means making a smarter, more thorough criminal element, which I think is what we don't want.
And speaking of astronaut diapers, I am forced to bring the hammer down on Mr. Colbert once again. First it was for fathering Mary Cheney's baby, but I guess it all worked out because they've made a Letterman-esque marriage arrangement. And besides, like Harry Whittington, it doesn't really affect anyone's lives. But now he's really gone too far. By not recusing himself from attacking Cartoon Network and Aqua Teen Hunger Force, he's crossed too many moral and ethical boundaries to count, not to mention biting the large corporate hand at whose pleasure he serves. Does Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law ring a bell? Guilty by association! Just ask Keith Crofford, a low-level producer of both shows. Guilty further by the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon Law.
Well, there you have it, Colbert lovers. I don't know how much more proof you need. This is your beloved crusader against Big Hollywood. Nothing but a rank-and-file voice over artist! Are you not outraged? And I haven't even gotten into Ace and Gary yet. Now, I'm from the old, old school that says that acting is a form of witchcraft, but there are plenty out there who are suspicious of an actor man who 'pretends' to be a gay character. The South, mostly, but there are some of us in the North as well. So how about it, Stephen? If that's your real name... Isn't it time to face the judge and jury at long last? Care to explain yourself on at least one of my points? The clock is ticking, and the ball is in your court... :(

Time for more Oscar picks, but first ...

The Oscar clock keeps ticking away as my deliberations continue, but every once in a while there's regular news to take a look at, and seeing as how it's an issue that needs urgent addressing I'm going to take it off the back burner here and now. As you all know, there has been much buzz about my old column run years ago under the heading of "Who's Your Daddy?" and at that time I may have been the first blog to speculate about the father of Melissa Etheridge's child as either David Crosby or Pee-Wee Herman. I was at least in the top 3; it was a 3-way tie between Daily Kos and that fat Drudge bastid. Well, here I go making web history again: this time I will be the first blog to speculate as to the father of Mary Cheney's future child, and my inside-the-beltway sources tell me the now famous right-wing demagogue Stephen Colbert is indeed the father. Now, it begs the million dollar question: did she actually purchase Stephen Colbert's Formula 401, or was it a promotional gift? The only way we can find out is to appeal to the source himself, and a man of Colbert's caliber has not one, but two big websites devoted to himself: colbertnation.com, and the Comedy Central official site. Hard to say which site the man pays more attention to, so we're just going to have to make some noise at both of them. The time to act is now, people! And Mr. Colbert, if you're reading this, isn't it time you came clean with the American people on this? At long last, sir, have you the balls? Are you going to do the right thing and marry Ms. Cheney? That baby's not going to raise itself by its teeny, teeny bootstraps, sir!
All right, moving on. We've got a lot of Oscars to predict, so it's time for Round two of my predictions. (page Down for Round One...) I predict that Sherry Lansing WILL be present to receive this year's Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award, because this year she's shown as much courage as Dr. Christian ever did. Ennio Morricone will also be present to receive his honorary award. The Academy will try and try in vain to convince the world that it's for the score to S.N.A.K., but really, we all know it's for the recent digital remastering of The Good, The Bad and the Ugly, thanks again to a robust web-based ballot box stuffing.
For the short films, I'll pick 'em the way the Academy voters do: they go with the most Oscar-sounding title. For Live Action, it's Binta and the Great Idea. Animated, it's down to The Little Matchgirl and No Time for Nuts. It's been a contentious battle, but I think the current wave of anti-Chaplin sentiment in Hollywood will eventually be overlooked and The Little Matchgirl will win out, so that's who gets the statuette.
Sound mixing and editing, the same cabal of PTC2 nerds will plunder this category.
Best Supporting Actor? Well, it's a tough field this year and there are five very deserving nominees, but I'm going with the underdog because everybody loves an underdog story, and there is no bigger underdog than that shrimpy dude from Breaking Away! Why, I can see all the other bicyclists passing him now as it plays on the DVD player in my mind. The gold goes to Jackie Earle Haley.
Adapted screenplay: I don't think the Oscars are ready for a comedy to win, and especially not Borat since it would mean five statuettes, and of course more films like Borat, and even I don't think I'm ready for that. Same goes for Children with Men. In calling it, I'd better lay my cards on the table: here's hoping for that Departed sweep. The Departed takes the gold.
And last but not least tonight, Original Screenplay. Well, off the top I know who I DON'T want to win. Sorry to shout, but I feel strongly about this. Paul Haggis, hasn't he been accoladed to death yet? And that's just for L.A. Law and Due South. I love that show. I remember the time Leslie Nielsen was on there, being his own funny-ass self. Anyway, I also don't want Little Miss Sunshine to win. I don't know why. I think it's just too perfect and it'll set a bad precedent like Borat. I don't want The Queen to win, because we all know Helen Mirren's going to win for acting anyway. Can't have it both ways. That leaves Babel and Pan's Labyrinth in a Battle-Royale of the Buzz. Incidentally, why wasn't Battle Royale nominated for anything? A glaring omission on the Oscar's part, I think, especially given the popularity of poker, and swing music's second comeback since 1998. Oh well. Anyway, I'm also predicting a Labyrinth sweep. Two sweeps in one year! How lucky can one guy get? Labyrinth takes all its noms, including this one. Eat it, Brothers Grimm!
Okay, I gotta go but stay tuned for more Oscar pics. Boy, you should see my computer monitor! All the letters and underlines are slipping. Guess my computer forgot to take its meds. Peace out. :)

Ladies and Gentlemen, your next screensaver

This image seem familiar? If so, you're clearly an '80s music nut! Okay, time for Pop Music SATs: Just as Songs from the Big Chair is considered Tears for Fears' first album, so is the status of The Raw & The Cooked from the Fine Young Cannibals (get it?). Albeit they did have that Tears for Fears 3-album set ever so briefly; I didn't have the presence of mind at the time to buy it. Besides, I'm tired of buying stuff all the time. The whole Costco culture, snap it up right now as it comes out. Can't afford to keep up, and yet, can't afford not to keep up.
But I digress. It's time to review another album because I do albums too, for what that's worth. Now I know it's not cool these days to admit to liking any songs, but I must say that The Raw and The Cooked is much more than just the original delivery device of FYC's hit that they'll eternally be remembered for: She Drives Me Crazy. There's something about the ultra-simplistic lyrics, sorta reminiscent of George Harrison's lyrics in his later solo work, and all those pseudo-dance beats; there is an ANSI-standard club dance beat that most songs adhere to these days, and track 8, Don't Let It Get You Down comes closest to it. About a third of the album is a love letter to 50s music, and is featured in the soundtrack to Barry Levinson's film Tin Men, a soundtrack that is way too cluttered with pop hits. I saw part of it when it originally came out on home video - this was when Levinson's camera style was first taking off; how to describe it? Neo-home movies style? Something like that. Finally! 2nd Unit work was getting the attention it deserved. A lot of down time in between the major plot points.
What to say about it, really? There's something about Roland Gift's vocals that remind me of Eric Roberts, but in a good way. Hard to say what songs I like best, but this album is now the one I must play constantly on my computer for the next couple months. I think I like "It's OK (It's Alright)" probably the best. "Don't Let it Get You Down" and "She Drives Me Crazy" are of course a slap in the face to Prince's "Kiss". I mentioned before that the lyrics are ultra-simplistic. Not necessarily a bad thing. Perhaps efficient is a better way to describe them; Ernest Hemingway would appreciate them. There's the part in 'Don't Let it Get You Down' that goes "There's a club / I can't get in ... it's my skin / they don't like." I feel for ya, brutha. I used to identify with "I'm not the man I used to be" when I was in high school! What's that all about? Gotta like "I'm not satisfied"; it's probably the best example of that Eric Roberts vibe I mentioned earlier. "Tell me what" is their most straightforward 50s homage. Good backup vocals. "Don't look back" is my least favourite of the tracks; interesting music video, though. I think they filmed it the same day they did the "She drives me crazy" video, but with the whole out-of-focus motif. "As Hard as it is" is the other 50s homage, but no one ever sang like that back then, I tell you what. And finally, "Ever fallen in love" could easily be converted by Eiffel 65 and made into the latest rave at the rave, I swear it.
Well, guess that's about all I can say about that. I gotta go, got an album to listen to some more. :)

Ever have one of those days?

Which brings us to the weekly Box Office Report. Not much new to report yet. We've still got Ghost Rider and Hannibal 4 coming up. Meantime, Epic Movie rocked and awed the top spot this week, as partially expected. It's clearly vindication for Date Movie, as well as Spy Hard. Every other genre they haven't yet tackled, watch your ass!

Smokin' Aces at #2, followed closely by Night at the Museum and Stomp the Yard. But at #5 this week, it's the debut of Catch and Release, and it's the real breakthrough of triple threat Susannah Grant. Great name, too. This is finally her chance to tell the greatest story ever told: her autobiography! With Jennifer Garner as her, although I personally would've gone with Hilary Swank myself. Or maybe Jessica Simpson. I'm still waiting for the movie that pits Kevin Smith and Quentin Tarantino together in the same scene as dueling movie nerds.

Padding out the 6 to 10 slots, we have Dreamgirls, Happy-ness, Labyrinth, and the Queen. The Hitcher is just barely clinging to the side of the bowl at #10, but don't worry and fret about it, because the President, producer of the original, is going to declare a national Go See The New Hitcher Day, and he's going to try to make it coincide with some important announcement by Nancy Pelosi.

Apologies to my loyal fan base in advance, yes it's not my usual thorough breakdown I save til Friday, but I was planning on starting my vacation early this week. Keep your fingers crossed for me! :)

p.s. The director of the original Hitcher also did this Jesse Stone thing, uniting the original cast of Raiders of the Lost Ark, Tom Selleck as Indy and Sean Young as Marion. Take that, Spiel-y!

An MRH WORLD Exclusive!!!!!!

And it seems there's nobody left for tennis, and I'm a one-blog man. Which brings me to today's emergency blog entry (EBE? Is that worth anything, National ANSI Acronym Guild? (NAAG, or NAANSIAG) ) You know, the term "pseudo-documentary" is thrown around all too often these days, most often in association with Michael Moore. The same could very well be said (by me) about Howard Stern: Shut Up and Listen. In general, after starting strong it comes off as a bit of a paean to Howard... what does that word mean, anyway? ... okay, got the dictionary here. 1. in ancient Greece, a hymn of thanksgiving to the gods, esp. to Apollo ... Close enough. Howard reminds me a bit of David Lee Roth who, in his music videos, surrounded himself with a gallery of Grotesques designed to make him look good on the one hand, and plenty of babes on the other, typically of the L.A. beach varietal. It's an ancient bi-fecta that probably shows up in nature.
Also, at one point in the doc the interviewers are talking to a dude on a mo-ped who sums up Howard's radio show perfectly for me, saying it's a "boring, endless conversation that goes nowhere." We see the guy drive off, then a guy behind the documentarians says "You want to talk about Howard? I love Howard!" and the relieved documentarians say "Oh, thank God." To be a good documentary, and more importantly, not be a pseudo-doc, it's important to maintain a certain ... stand-off-ishness, to show no bias, especially on screen.
But, most importantly, here's the world exclusive, not necessarily the documentarian's fault. This video still is from the doc, and looky look, kids! It's none other than South Park's front man Trey Parker! Here he's doing a character, of course, one of the effeminate adults on the South Park show. Kinduva brunette Marilyn Monroe kind of a vibe who overly uses the word 'poignant' to describe poor ol' put-upon Howard Stern. Unfortunately, Mr. Parker was constrained to using irony to describe his true feelings for Mr. Stern: if you look online somewhere there is a quote of condemnation from the South Park camp, calling Mr. Stern's humor vulgar and offensive; in short, just like South Park. Hmmm... lost the link to it. Okay, found it. I should've searched ' "trey parker" howard stern ' instead of ' howard stern "south park" '. Lesson learned. Also, I guess Kevin Smith was friends with Howard, at least until Howard pointed out to Kevin that Jersey Girl was a critical and commercial failure. Good for you, Howard. But don't you understand? He made Clerks 2 just for you! Love, don't hate.

Oh, but I got off track again, didn't I? As elusive as consciousness itself is, we can all at least agree on the fact that Howard Stern, as the pseudo-doc itself says, has made "millions of friends, millions of enemies, and (most importantly - my editorializing :) ) millions of dollars." I just wonder if his $100 million move to satellite radio lost him some fans. After all, even Prince went into a kind of semi-exile after word of his 7-album, 100 million dollar contract got out. And I must give a brief shout-out to documentarian James Riffel. Keep up the good work, sir! And watch your ass, Ken Burns, because in the great Decathlon in which all filmmakers of every stripe are running today, this guy's liable to sneak up behind you with the Olympic torch and singe it for you, and get Digital Domain to put it all on film.

p.s. Michael Moore hates America? If I were him, I'd sue! I'd never agree to that! Say it isn't so, Ian...

Short Road to the Oscars

Folks, award season is once again upon us, and in particular the Oscars are just closing in as we speak. They're scheduled for February 25th which will give everyone plenty of time to finish their taxes. The only real question left to resolve is, of course, will I correctly predict any winners? Hey, it's my blog, give me a little room for ego here, huh? Besides, that's what I plan to do, barring any unforeseen circumstances... which reminds me, I gotta get my laundry. Hold on...
Alright, took care of that. Well, I can't resist a corny segué so let's dive right into my Oscar laundry list. Well, first of all I know what's going to win for Best Animated Feature, and that would be Cars, and I'm not just basing it off of DVD sales, unlike the Academy. No, it's my man John Lasseter because how could he be happy with just his one Special Achievement Oscar for Toy Story? Feels like a whole century ago! We're already up to TS3. Time for some fresh acknowledgement. It'll be the perfect opportunity to plug Pixar as a workplace, and a chance to throw in a seemingly random plug for what he will undoubtedly call the "underrated" Goodbye Lover. Suck on that, Monster House!

For Visual Effects, the field seems kinda thin. Just Poseidon and Superman Returns, a coupla remakes, basically. But Pirates 2, man! It's the only one of these I saw in the theater, and I must say it's the only one that had the hearts and minds of the people, baby! And some very creative pirates, I must add. Some of the craziest damn things I've seen in a long while. Gotta give it to P2.

For Best Makeup, it'll probably go to Pan's Labyrinth. In fact, Pan's Labyrinth will probably sweep all the awards it's nominated for, but I'm giving it to Click anyway. Lemme tell ya something, if Click wins, it'll probably piss off the most people. So many heads held in hands, shaking in disbelief. I'd buy that for a dollar!

Man, this is tough! Requires a great deal of deliberation, more than I'm prepared to do right now, now that it's my bedtime. Well past, as usual. But I do it all for you, my loyal reader! I'll do one more. Best Documentary Feature? Let me do it this way: "Deliver Us From Evil" - no. "Iraq in Fragments" - should win, but probably won't. "An Inconvenient Truth" - should win, but has about as good a chance as Brokeback Mountain. So it's down to "Jesus Camp" and "My Country, My Country". While My Country x 2 has a great Oscar-sounding title, Jesus Camp generated a little more buzz, especially with the Daily Show crowd... my crowd. I'm assuming the latter will triumph, and for just that reason. Goin' with J.C.

So much farther to go, but you gotta take these kinds of things slow, right? Right. And so good night, and happy blogging. I'm just so glad that the internet's open 24 hrs. a day, just like New York City.

Stompin' at the Boneyard (box offi... too late!)

See that dude to my left? That's my man there. That's Spike Lee, man! Mars Blackmon, if you must. It's Spike in his greatest cinematic triumph ever, in the single greatest scene ever, and he's kickin' it older than old school, doin' the ol' Lindy hop with Malcolm X. Greatest film ever made, man. Actually, in my book it comes a close second to She Hate Me, but close enough.

Which brings us in a roundabout sorta way to the Box Office this week. (Yessir, those English 101 classes paid off big time with the segue stuff!) At #1 it's Stomp the Yard, which once again proves I don't have my finger on the nation's pulse. Who pushed it harder, MTV or myspace.com? Whoever did was obviously advertising to a large group of ingrates. Bottom 100 already? Really? Worse than From Justin to Kelly? Or Santa with Muscles? I say we give it some time. Time to settle. You know in the old days of the IMDb bottom 100 it used to be that Eegah! and Manos were squarely near the bottom, with Troll 2 in tow. Now anybody can just sorta wedge their way into it, like Material Girls or even Paris Hilton. Just remember, folks! Ghosts can't do it.

Number two brings us NATM which is Ben Stiller's latest 200 million blockbuster. Sadly, or not sadly enough, Mickey Rooney hasn't used it as an excuse to hit the talk show circuit. Maybe he could fill in for Uncle whozit on Jimmy Kimmel's show.

In third place is Bill Condon's least gratuitious pic yet, Dreamgirls. Word is that Eddie Murphy had such a good time on the set, combined with the fact that it's doing better than Pluto Nash, Condon is in talks to do Murphy's next pic: a feature length version of his SNL sketch "C-I-L-L my landlord..." I better subscribe to Variety on that one.

Following in fourth is The Hitcher, and I think the less said about that, the better. For shame, Boromir. For shame. ...I'm surprised! I thought for sure it would be in the Bottom 100 by now, too! Go figure.

In fifth this week, Happyness is oh so very close to the 200 mill mark. Maybe the theater owners will have pity and keep it in there for a couple more months til it makes it. Audiences are so fickle. This over Ali?

In sixth this week is Freedom Writers. Guess they should've called it Box Office Winner Writers. Then again, it is a bit of a mouthful at the ticket counter. Oh well. Can't win 'em all. Better go back to keeping the dream alive online, taking comfort in the bloggers who went to see it, and the fraction of those who liked it.

Pan's Labyrinth at #7, already at #100 in the IMDb Top 250. I say the latter's better for the long haul. And it's STILL not playing around here!!!

Children of Men is at #8 and it's also in the top 250. Next thing you know Del Toro will be directing an installment of Harry Potter.

The Queen is at #9, but who cares, Helen Mirren already cleaned up at the Golden Globes. Taylor's getting jealous, honey! He's gonna wanna direct you at some point, perhaps in a sequel to Against All Odds, I don't know. Which brings us to what rounds out the Top 10. Luc Besson's back, baby! And this time, he's toning down the Tarantino-esque violence for the grade school crowd. Being a Pixar into and of himself, he brings us Arthur and the Invisibles. Saw the trailer for it at Costco. Mia Farrow looks a little bit like she's in hell. The critics are ragging on it, to be sure. For example, Ebert's replacement this week criticized the film because of its blatant depiction of a Dubya-esque dictator. Hey, I'm liking this already! Yes, it's lamentable that we're going through such a period in cinema. Not since Nixon has a succession of presidents made such an imprint on the silver screen. Have we already forgotten The Day after Tomorrow? Fraid so. To be fair, they did cut out the subplot where the Dubya-esque dictator has an affair with a Karen Hughes-style mistress. Although I think they may have been coerced into making the cuts. Something about losing a passport, I don't know. Nevertheless, good work, Luc. You're back int he American Top 10 where you belong. Just as long as you don't make an American sequel to Taxi. I beg you, please!!!

Well that's it for me this week. And remember: thank god for the left nipple!

Short Reviews - January 2007

One thing about Stephen Colbert - after surviving a brush with the President, and a Democratic majority, even braving the Hellfires of Guitarmageddon, he sure is unflappable. And quite bounce-back-able. Hey, why should he have all the fun reinventing English? Freem?! I submit 'iconoclasticity' for his approval. Maybe just iconoclast-y. Anywho, I had to venture into O'Reilly territory. Man, is it like a whole other country. The Factor TV show somehow seems like he's doing his radio show, especially when he goes to commercial. Plus he has way more gimmicky structure to his show than The Colbert Report does. "Most Ridiculous Item of the Day"... I love it. See, people don't realize it takes an awful lot of energy to argue as fast as O'Reilly does. Must be some combination of gingko biloba, spirulina, and giant yogurt enemas that keeps the bastid going. Sadly, he may never figure out why he's not popular with liberals. Kinda reminds me of me in middle school. But like most Repube-licanuses who consistently lose debates in public arenas, who cares anyway? They've got money to go home to!

And onward to the reviews...

Arthur and the Invisibles - The latest directorial effort from Luc Besson, apparently based on a kid's book he wrote. I wonder if he's happy with the adaptation?

Black Christmas - I guess I can appreciate the idea of the movie a little better than the movie itself. Is it out yet?

We Are Marshall - Aah yes! McG's oscar pic. Even he gets tired of the non-oscar pablem.

Fearless on DVD - Why do they insist on calling it Jet Li's last martial arts epic?

Narnia 4-disc edition - 4 Discs! Unheard of. Even more than the 10-disc edition of the Matrix trilogy: that's 3.3333 discs per movie. Outdone! And well done...

Courteney Cox's "Dirt" on FX - This time, they may have gone too far! Now I can't even remember why...

The Hitcher (2007) - a remake of a film that George W. Bush had a hand in producing! They girl'd up this remake, though - this time a guy gets drawn and quartered by two monster trucks! Wicked pissah...

What the fu-----(---(--+-=-k do I know? I'm sending all my money to Ramtha! Now, time for a little arbitrage...

Primeval - not primeval enough...

Shooter - Just change the president's schedule!!! He goes on vacation a lot these days, right?

Breach - you've done it again, Billy Ray!

The Kingdom - If it's not good enough for Michael Mann to direct, I don't want to see it.

Code Name: The Cleaner - Martin Lawrence is using up his every last favor in the biz to make sure this bombs. He's also got a Cedric the Entertainer voodoo doll just for good measure.

Freedom Writers - Blatant Oscar Bait... so why are they releasing it January 5th? It can't be considered until next year!

"Scrubs" - Way too cute. But maybe it'll resurrect Tara Reid's soiled reputation... that's a good thing, right?

Little Miss Sunshine - I approach it with trepidation. It's got everything a hot movie needs these days - good buzz, a decent cast, a clear color / design motif (yellow), and on top of it all a co-worker of mine can claim about 4 degrees of separation from one of the co-directors. You just can't buy that kind of publicity!

Epic Movie - If ZAZ isn't involved, I don't wanna know about it...

Stomp the Yard - My Gaydar just went off... And I've seem 'em all: You Got Served, Honey, even Only the Strong didn't set it off.

No Country for Old Men - Seriously, the only movie I'm waiting for. Oh sure I might go to the theaters a couple times this year, but this is all I'm waiting for. And I hope it's not like Pan's Labyrinth and playing at the selectest of the select cities. This is Seattle we're talking about, for Christ's sake! I await any updates... so far, my best shot is going to Australia on or after June 7, 2007 to see this puppy. Real bonzer, mate!

Well, that and The Simpsons Movie. The only two I'm waiting for this year.

Letters from Iwo Jima - It's not fair. It's just not fair.

Breaking and Entering - I know how this casting deal was brokered! This is from when Sean Penn called Jude Law "one of our finest actors"! Right?

Army of One / Joshua Tree - Beat the army by 13 years... I don't know what coven of hippie liberals made you change your name to Joshua Tree, but you'll always be Army of One to me.

Hannibal Rising - That gives Conan O'Brien an idea! Something like... Baby Hannibal... and Robert Smigel will do Fetal Hannibal, of course...

Venice / Venice - You mean you're going to go to all the trouble to seek out this movie, and you're going to skip over the special director's introduction? You philistines! As narcissistic as Jaglom is, even he had to be a little starstruck with Duchovny...

Babyfever - This is truly the most terrifying horror pic I've ever seen: Eric Roberts saying he wants to have a baby!

Sitting Ducks - I can't believe it! Jaglom and plot actually together for once in the same movie!

Johnny Guitar - The IMDb doesn't have it yet, but Johnny Guitar shoots a gun the way Sundance did at the beginning of his movie. Kewl! On the down side, Joan Crawford always has that same look on her face...

Norbit - Charlie Murphy gets a second screenplay chance...

Soup to Nuts - I don't know if I'd call it Rube Goldberg's Masterpiece, more like his Manifesto One can't help but think, yeah, that sounds like something he'd come up with...

Isn't that enough for you people?! :)