Bloody Pirates!

All right, let's tear into this lobster. Usually I wait til Friday but I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. So let's get into it!

And at #1, it's PTC3 as expected. Bloody pirates! Plenty of advertising and tie-ins to go round on this one; coupled with the fact that this might be the last installment... or is it? Still, they didn't follow my advice. Clocking in at nearly 3 hours, the only way it's going to turn a profit is if it's in around 5000 theaters. What they should've done is made it 18 minutes long. That way it would've been number 1 with 1 billion 400 million dollars! Now that's what I looting the Box Office treasury!

At #2 it's Shrek the Third. What, Donkey's babies aren't cute enough? Farting 'n spewing fire at the most inappropriate times? This season pirates trump all, me matie. Still, good showing.

#3 brings us Spider Man 3, which I suppose it's appropriate. Still, it's leading the pack at 308 million dollars. They can't take that away from it, can they?

Speaking of insects, Bug is at #4 with 4.02 million. Sorry, Friedkin, this is the big drop-off. It's the best thing you've done since Nightcrawlers, but it's just bad timing. It was either that, or a poker movie. And you beat #5 by on 10,000 dollars. PATHETIC! *

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Like they say on Air America, it's time for no snark. Waitress is back at #5, and it's a tribute to its director, Adrienne Shelley, who unfortunately was killed in November 2006. Guess she's not in the same caliber as Anna Nicole Smith or others caught up in the Perpetual Tabloid / Media Conglomerate Celebrity Shit-Storm.

http://www.adrienneshellyfoundation.org/ -Give til it hurts.

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As for 6 to 10 it's all pretty much repeats. Did I already give a shout out to Garry Marshall? If not, keep the faith, brutha. Guess you just better do that sequel to Runaway Bride. That'll get you back to #1! Andyway, 6 to 9 is pretty much BTDT across the board. ...until we get to #10! And it's Wild Hogs! The comeback movie! I'm still speechless!! If I were doing this in a cumulative Top 10, Wild Hogs would be #3 just ahead of Pirates at #4. A Red Letter day for Disney all around, no denying it. All those people who would've had to crane their necks at Pirates went to their fallback Disney movie, which was Wild Hogs. Wow. And Walt Becker, this Red Letter day means that your auto-biopic about the train wreck in a coal mine is getting Green-Lit, with George Clooney in the lead. Eat sod, Soderbergh!

On the other hand, don't get cocky, Disney. Don't let this go to your (cryonically frozen) head. No one's lining up to see Mickey headlining in Fantasia 2010. Peace out. -->

The Movie Hooligan Box Office Retort - More fun than the IMDb Top 10 list, but not by much...

* (see the part about provenance for younger directors, something like that...)

Short Reviews - May 2007

Bruce Almighty 2 - A classic.

Die Hard 4 - Classic.

Pirates 3 - A classic.

Shrek 3 - Classic.

Spider Man 3 - Classic.

Rush Hour 3 - I'm not holding my breath.


The Ex - Wait, didn't this bomb already? Well, we got to find some way to make fun of the wheelchair bound somehow. Basically, the best episode of Scrubs you never saw, when Tommy Lee came into the hospital in a wheelchair and started making moves on Zach Braff's girlfriend. It's funny, right?

Besides, there can only be one Ex. Be mine, Yancy! I'll keep the home fires burning for ya, Witchblade.

Jindabyne - Short Cuts 2.

Red State - Ah, yes, the horror genre... something even Kevin Smith can't screw up... right?

Death at a Funeral - Looks cute! The kind Frank Oz doesn't usually do, or so I once thought...

Chapter 27 - Like a good friend of mine says, we should just ignore this guy to death.

Away from Her - aka Fiona's So Mean to Aubrey. Or Billy Liar 2; I will never give up my Julie Christie!!!

Waitress - 1) Matlock's back and 2) this will do for food what American Beauty did for rose petals.

Georgia Rule - Well, Jane Fonda sure knows how to sell a movie....

Knocked Up - Sorry, guys, even the director of the 40 year old virgin needs something like that Steve Carrell magic...

Hot Rod - an Snl digital short motion picture

Bug - from the director of The Exorcist: already I like it! But why didn't they use that ad campaign for Blue Chips?

Gracie - Goodbye, an inconvenient truth!


belle de jour - a classic

la dolce vita - a classic

irma la douce - not so classic


And finally, No Country For Old Men - What makes Pittsburgh so god damn special? What about Seattle? We like film too! We've got our own international film festival, for God's sake! I'd go there to see Paris, je t'aime but I'm busy that day, and besides I was a little underwhelmed by it on DVD. But I digress. In promulgating my theory on film directors and the significance of decades, the Coens are a special case. It was about this time 10 years ago when they made a comeback of sorts with a film that changed the film landscape, or at least made the fade to white a popular visual schema with Fargo, after failing and falling with The Big Hudsucker... I mean, you know, that one they always show on HBO Family for some reason. Anyway, so Hudsucker was 1994, and The Ladykillers was 2004; are they not making a similar climb-back from a rocky critical precipice? Was I the only one who liked The Ladykillers? I just may be! Well, no one's denying that Irma P. Hall was great in it; I'm just saying I got burned by Nothing To Lose, and bad.

Anyway, here's hoping NCFOM takes the Golden Bear in Berlin... no, wait.

Simpsons update

While there's two more months to wait for the big screen version of the Simpsons, and an even longer wait for an animated Jerry Seinfeld, I must say that I've been pleasantly surprised lately by my favourite TV show. As one of my co-workers once quipped, the Halloween episode is usually the best one of the year. And that's generally true, I conceded. But this season has been above average, like they're getting back to the fundamentals of some of the earlier seasons. Season 4 was a pretty hilarious season, for example: lots of stuff catching on fire and exploding randomly. There's brighter minds out there than mine who have this all figured out, like at Harper's Bazaar or, well, in the Simpsons' own writing room more likely, but I hope they do another TV first and have new episodes all the way up to the movie's release date. SNL's already over for the year! Can you believe that?

I probably shouldn't point any of this out, but a lot of jabs at the Iraq War this year, and they still have no caricature of Dubya yet! They got a Clinton caricature much sooner, even a Bush 41. Some memorable lines too: Kent Brockman asks a guy in a burning house, "Sir, how does it feel knowing that no one's coming to save you?" and the guy says "Not as bad as knowing that somewhere gays are marrying each other. That's the real emergency, Kent!" Also, more jabs at Fox News. The Simpsons poses the following brain-teaser: why is it that Fox has crappy programs like strippers running an airline, while Fox News acts as the Thought Police of the Right? Holy doublethink, Batman! And the ancient rivalry between Kent Brockman and Arnie Pye continues. Also, even though the Simpsons movie is in 2-D, it does look like it relied a bit on computer animation, as has the show recently, in a couple of bravura 3-d sequences, one in an electrified corn maze, another where Marge is running through a dog park. Sigh. The days of painted cels is over; now people will buy external hard drives at animation auctions.

Must be the Season of the Threes, yeah

Oh, it's on, baby! The first shot is fired off the port bow in this, the Season of the Threes: the Attack of the part-three sequels. First, Spider Man 3, now it's Shrek 3, then it'll be Pirates 3, then Ocean's 3. There was another one in there somewhere, if I remember correctly. Oh yeah. Rush Hour 3. Whole Lotta 3s going on this summer! Not even counting 300! Then of course, there's Hostel 2 and Die Hard 4 and the Fantastic Eight. But will there be enough money left in America by the time the Simpsons movie hits? I'm thinkin' THEY hope so! Heh heh... Bourne Identity 3 comes out after that.

Now I know Shrek is #1 this week, with a big green-eared green bullet, there's no debating that, but I really wanted to use this one still from Home Alone so I'm forced to count down the top 10 in terms of cumulative totals! Which means Spider Man 3 is #1 with 282 million in the b'z'ank! Although I haven't heard any B.O. trivia about it this week, like the one about the movie that made 300 million in the shortest number of days, that kind of crap. Also it's only at #2 this week because it made a paltry 29 million, so now you know how all those other movies felt the last two weeks, Spider Man. You've just had it too good for two long weeks. Guess it's just time to build more theaters to help beat the box office records of tomorrow. Think of the children!

At #2 cumulative this week, Shrek 3 is #1 with 122 million, which I think is slightly more than Shrek 2 opened at. Oh, but we've talked enough Box Office turkey. Let's talk legacy now, specifically that of the man behind the Shrek, Mike Myers, the voice of Shrek. With Shrek the Third under his belt, that makes 3 shreks and 3 austin powers. So why has Mike Myers become so reclusive? Why I hardly see him at all anymore on the talk show circuit. I hope my faint pleas reach him anyhow, and if they do I only ask one thing: isn't it time for Wayne's world 3? How would that look on your video cabinet at home to have three trilogies under your belt? Eat it, Harrison Ford!

On the other had, they're already planning a Shrek 4. Now how many actors can boast a quadrilogy? Let's see, Sigourney Weaver, Mel Gibson and Danny Glover, very soon Harrison Ford, hmmm... Still, it's a narrower field.

At the cumulative #3 this week, in another stunning last-minute reversal, Blades of Glory edges upward to #10, thereby pushing Waitress down to #11 or lower! It's a virtual kneecapping of this tough but brittle indie movie; i.e., it must not be a DreamWorks picture. Oh well. Actually, I heard Riley Weston's behind the hit. But I'm sure Keri Russell with her classical good-looks will no doubt bounce back, and with a bit part in Scrubs to boot. Yes, she'll always make a beautiful dollar in this bizness. I mean, she's no Sarah Michelle Gellar or Eva Mendes, but she's got a fan base. No question.

At cumulative #4 this week it's Disturbia. Another sequel. Well, not a sequel so much as a remake. An unofficial remake. But I like to think of it as either Holes 2 or Battle of Shaker Heights 2. One or the other.

At cumulative #5 this week, it's Fracture. Nope, still can't get excited about that. Although it does give one pause. I mean, how many actors has Anthony Hopkins only worked once with? All of them? Except Emma Thompson, of course. Didn't he retire, like, twice already? Or was that Liam Neeson, I forget. After Lincoln, though, this will be his third and last retirement. Let's hope he gets the Oscar that go round.
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Cumulative #6 gives us Hot Fuzz. I have yet to concoct my review, but ultimately, I don't know. Maybe I'm just burned out on movies in general. I was also disappointed that the brain freeze sequence from the commercials was cut short. I thought the movies were about letting these kinds of scenes play out! Guess not.

#7 cumulative: Another sequel. 28 weeks later! Yawn. I used up all my 28 weeks later jokes last week. But it's comforting to know there's still a viable market to the dramatic side of Shaun of the Dead.

At #8 it's the Invisible. Whew! That was close. I almost left this one out entirely.

#9's Georgia Rule is not so much a sequel as it is a movie mocktail. Sort of a Monster's Ball meets White Oleander. And of course tapping into that whole feminine movie genre of How to make an American Quilt and Steel Magnolias and Fried Green tomatoes and Immediate Family. Need I go on? Those are the only ones I know. Throw in Catch and Release, why not. But it does have some originality: Lindsay Lohan playing a bitch! What a stretch.

And finally, at #10 cumulative, but landing at lucky #7 this week otherwise, it's the latest Redneck FUBU entry, Delta Farce. Or as I like to think of it, Delta Force 3 made for TV. My question is this: how good could it be if Jeff Foxworthy isn't in it? Or Ron White, for that matter? They're not in it, yet DJ Qualls is! This puts The New Guy in a whole new light. The Mason-Dixon line redrawn. In related news, I was disappointed to see Jeff Gordon in those ads for California which also feature Schwarzenegger, Teri Hatcher, and Clint Eastwood.
Looks like you've left Sweet Home Alabama behind for good, Mr. Gordon. Wait... he's a NATIVE CALIFORNIAN? Dang! He fooled me good. Or maybe I was just indifferent.


Well, that puts an end to another exciting week at the big dog and pony show known as Hollywood. Boy! I don't think I can take much more excitement. :)

Another Spectacle

Man! Long week. Sometimes it feels refreshing to put the blog down. And now I need a drink of water. ...done. Also refreshing. More importantly, I heard that my boys are kickin' some major derriere at Cannes with their latest, No Country for Old Men. Give 'em hell, J & E! Of course, they've limited you to just one award per film this time, damn French! No wonder the Oscars are no big deal to them.

But let's dive right into this latest box office pie. Coen co-conspirator Sam Raimi is doing a little ass-whoopin' stateside with the latest installment of the multi-billion dollar Spider Man franchise, called Spider Man 3. Oh sure, the critics will pooh-pooh it, but look at those numbers! It's only Monday. Besides, it's probably not as hated as X-Men 3. Now, I know they've been talking about some major personnel changes for the fourth installment of Spider Man, but I must strongly, nay, vehemently oppose these proposed changes. After all, look what it did to the Home Alone franchise! Big big mistake.

And once again, thanks to Spider Man, we make a giant drop from a #1 of 58 million to a #2 of ... 9.81 million? Pathetic! But you know what? Their agent will be the first to say they should work in this town again because hey! It was the best they could do up against Spider Man. This time it's another sequel: the sequel to 28 Days Later called 28 Weeks Later. So does this mean that the third installment will be called 28 Months Later? Just a thought! Also, someday all movies in the top 10 will be sequels. Just another thought.

At #3 it's Georgia Rule. While technically not a sequel, it's a sequel in spirit to Monster-in-Law because of that GMILF on the prowl, Jane Fonda. I mean, did you see her with Stephen Colbert last week? Talk about a steambath!

At #4 it's Disturbia. Sorry, kid, you're no longer the new kid on the block. Just for that, Shia, they're Gumping you out of the Transformers movie.

Rounding out the Top 5, it's Delta Farce. Win one for the Red States! Careful, guys, you might give Chuck Norris some misguided ideas. Anyway, at least it's already made more money than Health Inspector.

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And now, let's look through the bent back tulips to see how the second half lives. At #6 it's Fracture, or The Human Stain 2. But thank God director Gregory Hoblit is back to the one-word movie titles where he belongs!

At #7 it's The Invisible, but it's not gone yet! Speaking of which, at #8 it's your last chance to Meet the Robinsons. Apparently, also in IMAX. I should get down to my local IMAX theater one of these days!

Next, it's Hot Fuzz at #10. Well, maybe it's doing better in Britain, who knows. I did my part, guys! I guess I'll have to watch it again: was that really Cate Blanchett? Or Bill Nighy sans face-tentacles? Apparently, they just set the record for movie references. Or how about Peter Jackson as Santa? Of course, he can't do that kind of thing anymore. He's rail thin now!

Well, that's all for now, kids. Oh why oh why does a new box officecome only once a week.

Peter Parker picks another peck of pesky box-office peccadillos

And the opening shot is fired off the port bow! Zowee. I haven't seen numbers like this since Jurassic Park 2 opened! Or since Oscar, for that matter; numbers 2 thru 10 look like Oscar's opening weekend, anywho. Yes, it's the latest new box office record, people. Quite the disparity when the #1 movie makes 5 times as much money as the other nine put together. Must be a recession on. But it was inherited, of course. You have to use that word with the word 'recession' from now on, it's a permanent federal law.

But back to the triumph at hand! Yes, Spider Man 3 got out there first this season. Oh sure, critics will nitpick, but so far the franchise has managed to stay on an even keel somehow; basically, they've kept Joel Schumacher from girling up the proceedings, heh heh. It's soon going to be a very crowded field, though: don't Shrek 3 and Pirates 3 get a turn at the trough too?

So anyway, congratulations to Spider Man 3. But seriously: Bryce Dallas Howard? Was B.D. Howard the most qualified person for the job?

As for the rest of you slugs, I seriously feel like I can take a break this week. I mean, Disturbia's hung in there and all, but only 5.84 million in second place? Pathetic! Fracture at #3 with 3.7 million? Pathetic! The Invisible? Pathetic! Next? Pathetic!!!! I will, however, give a shout out to my man Curtis Hanson who's been having a rough decade since the high of 8 Mile. It's all part of my latest theory about directors, that the most successful film directors ultimately have their favourite decade of their careers. For Curtis Hanson, it'd have to be the 90s: with the back to back successes of Hand that Rocks the Cradle, and The River Wild, culminating in the Oscar-nominated orgy that was L.A. Confidential. I mean, who wouldn't want a decade like that?

Let's do a couple other directors, like J. Lee Thompson: Drunken British Ex-Patriate of Action. He's had so many, really: the Dressing Gown 50s, the Guns of Navarone 60s, the Ape-y 70s, but for me, IMHO I'd have to say it was the go-go 80s, when he did about a zillion pics with Charles Bronson, yet was able to work in an Indiana Jones knock-off in betwixt all that. Good times.

As for Sam Raimi, well, I think the 2000s are far and away his favorite decade, even though all this Spider-Man jazz must be getting redundant. I'm just hoping he manages to work a trailer in for No Country for Old Men. I'm not able to get to France this year for the Cannes film festival. Maybe get me a bootleg copy, huh?

Ever had one of these kinds of days?

Well, friends, Spider man 3 is about to swoop down and dominate the box office for a couple months but before that happens, Disturbia takes the cake an unprecedented 3rd week in a row! You know, some who prefer Sunni, but this is a full blown Shia pandemic, my friends!

Meanwhile, another kid who's doomed to a lifetime of snubbery from the Onion, the kid from War of the Worlds, Chatwin, makes a mark at #2 with the Sixth Sense clone, the invisible, but with a twist ending that you won't see coming. But in this era of twist endings, isn't that a little predictable?

Speaking of twist endings, Next only debuts at #3, but Cris Johnson probably saw that coming. Somehow the word on the street was that this was no Ghost Rider. G.R. was a man of the people, the Next guy not so much. There's no fooling the people, my friends. OJ's guilty, and there were no WMDs. The people know.

Fracture at #4, but so what. Now, Blades of Glory, now there's a story. Still over 100 million total in the bank, making it the most profitable film at the box office this week, and while it's not as good as they hoped, (Talladega numbers, in other words) it's still doing way way better than Bewitched.

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Hot Fuzz at #6. Still not good, but at least it edged #7, Meet the Robinsons, out of the way for another week. Maybe it'll snowball like Little Miss Sunshine did not so long ago, and maybe SM3 will help it out: for all those people who weren't able to wedge their fat butts into the jam-poacked Spider Man theater, maybe Hot Fuzz'll be their backup.

At #8, Vacancy, and that's the problem. Too many vacant seats in those theaters. C'mon, people! When have Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale steered you wrong before?

At #9, it's The Condemned, and I guess I, like most Americans, are just going to wait for the Reality TV version of this Reality Film show.

And finally, at #10 it's Are we done yet? And yes we are. See you next week! (Oh, snap!)

Vanishing Point: What Makes a Hero?

Sometimes the best you can say about a movie is that it's like a mini travelogue of someplace, in this case parts of the Nevada desert. Reminds me of a road trip I took not so long ago to an opal mine just outside Nevada. For miles, no other cars from one end of the horizon to the other. And I couldn't help but notice all these desert squirrels out there, waiting for their chance to cross the road, and always deciding to go as I'm about to run them over. There's gotta be some kind of Darwinian law at work there. Maybe a Newtonian maxim. Maybe an Oprah essay about co-dependence, I don't know.

There's also some nice shots of clouds here: some thunderheads, some raining, some with rays of sunlight peeking through - there's a specific scientific term for that but I can't remember what it is. All in all, good cloud variety, and not a whole lot of need for continuity since the action keeps moving. As for the plot of Vanishing Point, there's about as much plot here as, say, Grand Theft Auto. A little more plausibility than the original Gone in 60 Seconds, but it seems to me that if you're transporting cars, stolen or not, you at least want to make sure they get as little wear and tear as possible, but the film's about a little more character development than that. That, and a modern day Lady Godiva on a motorcycle. Why not, I say.

There are flashbacks showing the big transforming events in the life of this transporting car man, played by Barry Newman. Okay, so he's not a big name. He's no Paul Newman, anyhow, but he does okay here and he's also one of those guys who looks totally different as a young man. Kinda like William Hickey, only not so extreme. Barry stuck with me after I saw him in The Limey, and to a lesser extent, Bowfinger; smaller role in that one. But both with Terence Stamp! Who worked that out?

What else to say about this? Cleavon Little in a pre-Blazing Saddles role, where he seems to channel Ray Charles as the blind DJ "Super Soul" of KOW Radio. Also our hero picks up a coupla gay hitchhikers who end up trying to pull a stick-up, but since they're blatant caricatures what happens to them is okay. Some might say they were let off too easy; not me, though, because that's what a Movie Hero does, treats his adversaries with respect. Indeed, all the adversaries our hero comes across, he doubles back to make sure they're okay (they all get out of their wrecked cars and scratch their heads; time to get moving again!) There's also some blatant folk-hero-ification at play here, you know, for the Oscar crowd, (someone adds an "ALSKI" banner to the KOW radio sign... Mission Accomplished!) but if it didn't pay off with the car man's final act, well... I guess it didn't pay off. But it's certainly the opposite of the happy endings of Gone in 60 Seconds or Grand Theft Auto.

Some say Vanishing Point is one of the greatest car chase movies ever made, and the only reason I saw it was it being referenced in a review of Grindhouse (Yes! I shamefully admit it...) For me, though, I guess a car chase movie needs a little more plot. For me, The Blues Brothers is still the best car chase movie; for cars of a similar time period, Mad Mad World's got some pretty decent stunts: car, plane or otherwise. Give it a second look if you've got about 3 hours to kill.

**1/2

so sayeth the Movie Review Hooligan

More Sunday quarterbacking

Oh dear, almost missed another deadline. There's just too much to do, you see. For instance, right now I'm reading about Al Gore and his tearing Canada a new one over their CO2 emissions. The Canadian environmental minister, John Baird, fired back at Gore, calling him a hoser and a knob. Boy! They really are getting more conservative over there in Canada, but at least the guy didn't call Gore a hypocrite over the whole fake house heating thing. I really hope I'm the only one left fighting in that ancient World War I trench.

Anyway, this isn't the place you come to for real news! Let's get onto the only news in the galaxy that matters: the weekly box office totals! And at #10 it's Wild Hogs, and it's coming dangerously close to finally being broken. Oh, Gabrielle Amway, will you be mine? Sigh; guess not.

Anywho, let's hear it for director Walt Becker. Maybe you'll finally make it out of that Second Tier of Hollywood directors into the First Tier, Hollywood Auteur, and you'll no longer be simply known as Harold's unsuccessful kid! Oh, snap!

At #9 it's Perfect Stranger, still performing not so perfectly at the box office. But don't worry, that won't slow Bruce Willis down. Everyone's still waiting for Die Hard 4; I think I'll wait for it on cable, maybe.
You know, there's an old saying in Hollywood that even the most country-fried hermit probably knows by now in this day and age. Something about satire closing on Saturday night. Welp, IMHO it's about time to say the same of romantic comedies or dramas or whatever the hell they are these days, like the instant case, In the Land of Women, clocking in at #8 with a paltry $4.71 million, or as Bill Gates calls it, walking-around money. Oops! Just found out that Larry Kasdan's other kid, Jon, is responsible. Sorry, guys, I'm sure it'll be regarded as a classic soon. And I must say that film school paid off big time. Why, note how one of the characters is named Buñuel! Very clever.
Unfortunately, we're far from done yet, as is Ice Cube's sequel Are We Done Yet? It's almost at the 40 million dollar mark. That's a lot of bling!

Meanwhile at #6 it's Hot Fuzz, or as I prefer to think of't, Shaun of the Dead part 2. Only #6? I'm disappointed in my fellow countrymen. Surely a big budget ad campaign will get you off your asses and into theaters! WTF is it gonna take? Guess we just better wait for the American remake of it.

Finally made it to the other half, starting with Meet the Robinsons at #5, or as I prefer to think of it, Untitled Breakdancing T-Rex Project. Hey, blockbusters these days have been made of less. Take the Rapping Granny of The Wedding Singer.

At #4 it's Vacancy, and it's managed to distinguish itself sort of from the wild pack of horror pics in the pipeline. Trust me, I went to the movies recenty, and there's an ass-bag full of 'em on the way. It's the masks, isn't it?

Finally, BOG crossed the 100 million mark, but they're too proud to run ads boasting of that fact. Well, maybe just in Variety, but definitely not on TV. It's not about the money, right, guys?

At #2 it's Fracture, or as Sir Anthony Hopkins thinks of it, Human Stain part 2. Seriously, though, shouldn't there be a law against doing so many movies? I mean, how long can you coast on your most celebrated role: Instinct's Ethan Powell?

And finally, it's still the hot kid on the block, Disturbia. I already used my good joke last week, so perhaps it's time to consider the actual plot of the movie: Rear Window meets House Arrest. After all, what better way to add a little spice to your marriage and or relationship than with a little house arrest? Is this not our national occupation now? Finding new ways to add spice to your relationships? Even Maxim Magazine would have to agree with that assessment, or maybe one of its many hotter sister magazines. We've got to rebuild our image somehow in the national community. So, watch your ass, Spain, because America is for lovers!

p.s. Dang! They really are gonna make me wait til 2 pm for the new list. Guess my deadline wasn't as urgent as I originally thought.

Oh, Spalding!

Getting back into Spalding Gray. Ah, what a rush of neurons, again. He left us too soon. Soderbergh's right, Gray is the ultimate raconteur of the one man show setting. Like Henry Miller before him, there's no secret too dark for him to lay bare for all of us to see, and in such an entertaining way too. He's like Woody Allen but with a different set of literary references. But while we await Soderbergh's upcoming documentary about the man ... hmm! They just eliminated it. And it was there a second ago, I swear. Oh well, Clooney and Soda-pants are way too busy for their own good, anyway. Besides, 62 Skidoo is in the works, don't bogart the Clooney, dude! Anyway, I made the mistake of scrolling down in Spalding's IMDb entry to the 70s. For shame, Mr. Spalding! The Horny Vampire? Starring as Dr. Cock-luv in Nazi Sex Experiments? Fortunately for us, and probably me as well, I can't find half this stuff. I did however stumble across the one scene of humor in Maraschino Cherry for which Spald delivers the punchline. That's all of that movie I need to see. Irregardless, I think Spalding Gray's reputation is safe. Carry on without us, sir. But better watch out, Ron Jeremy's catching up to you!

I have no response to that!

Which brings us to another last minute box office report, and maybe I can catch it this time before it changes over. Maybe not; I already forget how soon it changed over last time. But leave us pay tribute to those films that have since passed into Box Office oblivion since last week...

Firehouse Dog, TMNT, Shooter

And now that we've brushed off the crumbs of failure from this meal, let's get on to the living! Hello!

Oh but before we get to that, time for another Maxim Magazine exclusive. It's their review of Burke & Wills.

Maxim Magazine presents our review of Burke & Wills. So let me get this straight... the more manly of the two would rather travel across Australia right into the hands of certain death, than stay in bed with Greta Scacchi? And they teach about these guys in public school? Is the whole country P.T.Gay? If we knew how, we'd get the U.N. to make Australia even farther away. As close to an American antipode as possible. Look it up.

Okay, got through that. And now! Without further ado at #10 this week it is Grindhouse. I wonder if that means it's too late for me to get my Rapist #1 doll.

And we're dangerously close to losing our most profitable film on the box office, 300, which has only so far made it 2/3rds of the way to 300 million dollars. Maybe 300 part 2 will be luckier, who knows.

At #8 it's the latest Christploitation entry, The Reaping. Sorry, Swank, not swank enough. Guess you caught the trend on the tail end of the scythe. Somewhere Chad is smiling... oh, snap!

Wild Hogs hangs tough at #7. Still speechless, but Disney's cryogenically frzoen head must be smiling.

Pathfinder - why, I've never seen a swashbuckler perform so poorly! I bet I know what Maxim Magazine thinks of that. #6 with only 5 million? Boy, they just don't rape and pillage the countryside like they used to, I tell ya.

And at the halfway point, it's Are We There Yet, pt. 2 with 32.8 million in the bank, baby! It's all about the Benjamins, grrrrl you know it's true. Could part 3 be in the wings? I'll leave it at that.

At #4 it's Perfect Stranger. James Foley's back, but I think he's coasting on brother Jerry's day job, am I right guys?

Meet the Robinsons at #3. It's not fair! Pixar can't make the B-list Pixar productions in between the A-List productions, can they? That must mean that Big Idea's been bumped down to C-List productions. That's probably for the best. 1-2-3 penguins, my ass.

Blades of Glory at #2. There's gotta be a way Ferrell can crank these out faster. Just gotta! One a week, please.

And finally at #1 it's Disturbia. Good title, and the world is in the throes of Shia LaBeouf Fever. Well, that and the avian flu. ...dang! Wanted to try and capture this really annoying Flash ad that's been popping up for the last 5 minutes every time I use the IMDb. Oh well, probably for the best. Something about a Rock Paper Scissors dojo. What'll they think of next? And how much time will they give us to enjoy it?

Anyway, back to the biz at hand. This is your moment, Mr. LaBeouf. Shaker Heights wasn't it. Holes was, sort of. And I, Robot, I guess. But now, you're the star, baby! No more supporting I, Robot-esque roles where you're playing neo-nerd support to the big star. You're the star now. Deal with it. Now you get to have a second-tier Best Friend prop you up with the film's plot points, and ask you what you're going to do. How about Trevor Morgan? And trust me, he won't pull any of that Sixth Sense crap. You get to push him round, baby, because you've got Indiana Jones 4 sewn up, and as we speak they're frantically adding Disturbicons to the Transformers movie all for you, Shia, this week's #1 Box Office STAR IN THE WORLD!!!!

Good night, and good luck.

South Park: Genius or not?

Well, I didn't see the one Bill Maher referred to about black people this season, but I just saw the one they did about the homeless, their homage to Night of the Living Dead, but with homeless people instead of zombies. Clever. I guess it's better than Bumfights, anyway. Now I know that South Park is a great show, and it's cost effective, and that anyone who hates it is either Jewish or have no sense of humor (I'm a little of both myself), but there's still something lacking in their take on homeless people. Given the current national dialogue on satire, with the recent comments by Don Imus, and that satire is normally used to poke fun at the powerful, instead of the other way around, which seems to be South Park's bread and butter, shouldn't South Park be asked to apologize for something? Or get dropped by Comedy Central and stick to strictly web-based Flash animations? Maybe, except that they're so beholden to their usual comedic formulas that they're probably not deserving of such scrutiny. I mean, everyone already knows that on the show the kids are smart, and the adults are stupid, and all of course find themselves constricted by the specter of Political Correctness, so are they really bringing anything new to the table about the homeless? No. Any proceeds going to benefit the homeless? We'll just skip that, as the answer is most likely no. It's their homage to the campaign against Upton Sinclair but without the politics, although it should be pointed out that the episode occurred on Dubya's watch, and not Clinton's when the show was fresh and new and killing Kenny in each episode. And if you don't like it, then you suck ass. Also makes me think of Tracy Flick's mom in Election when she defines the relationship between the strong and the weak as being that the weak prey on the strong. As a blanket generality that may be true, but weak or strong we're all still stuck on this planet together, so how strong can the strong be if they all can't be by themselves on Planet Strong? Oh dear, I fear I've spent too much time on this already. I'm getting to the point in my life where I look for advocacy where I can. At least the South Park guys are trying, but still it would've been nice to see something like, say, a pharmaceutical company asking for a corporate bailout because they've got a whole warehouse of flu vaccines that aren't moving. Or perhaps a television affiliate trying to scrounge up the syndication fees to show Seinfeld reruns. Or maybe a low-level mobster ripping off some fund-raising college students. But you know how it is. It's hard enough for these guys already doing what they do. They arrive first thing in the morning before anyone else and leave the last at night, so who's got time to think of such things? And if you don't like that, or find this blog entry a little less than you'd'a hoped, then you probably suck ass.

Short reviews: April 2007

The Work and the Glory: American Zion - I'm sorry. "Roots" for Mormons? Can't get into it. Besides, there's nothing about Magic Underpants here. On the other hand, there's some dynamic filmmaking here. There's this one dude who doesn't get to marry his childhood sweetheart, so he catches this other plain chick on the rebound. And even the fugliest reader of Maxim Magazine will tell you that to go from Alyssa Milano to Cynthia Nixon is ... something bad, I don't know what. Probably gay. Probably a buzz-kill.

Dead Silence - from the writers and directors of Saw - makes Kevin Williamson look like a Renaissance Man. Really, isn't it piggybacking on the puppeteer background story of Being John Malkovich?

The hills have eyes 2 - Ah, it's gone already. Never mind.

Meet the Robinsons - Nice try, but it's still not Pixar.

TMNT (new Pixar-esque Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...) - looks like it needs another pass through Renderman... Just a thought.

Half-Way Home on Comedy Central - It's a comedy show, right?

Blades of Glory - How many movies can Will Ferrell crank out? Watch your ass, Adam McKay!

Reign over Me - Puh-leeeeeeeze!!!!!!!!

The 1/2 Hour News Hour - Apparently, it's supposed to be a comedy show, but the anchors on the show act more like news people than the actual Fox News anchors.

Are we done yet?
Perfect Stranger - sequel to The Rich Man's Wife?

Disturbia - WTF?

Color Me Kubrick - For a second there I thought Malkovich was reprising Lenny...

The Namesake - No. Sorry. Can't accept Kal Penn in a serious role. Not Taj. Not Kumar. No. No, I said!

Vacancy - Too bad. For a second I hought it was a sendup of the genre. Maybe it's about time for one.

Grindhouse - I think the constant ad campaign is making me start to turn on the movie. Kurt Russell seems to be channeling Q.T.

The Reaping - The Sunday School-ing of America continues unabated.

Hot Fuzz - Looks fun, although the Shaun of the Dead folks may be slightly repeating themselves...

Are We Done Yet? Yes we are...

Road Blogs?

Blog from the Road? Nah, I'm not that into it yet. Probably should be, though, but I don't blog for a living. Come to think of it, there's a lot of things I want to do, but they all seem to slip away once I get home from the sulfur mines. How does that happen? Anyway, I'll be gone for a few days, ... not that anyone will notice. (sniff) Though there are some big movies on the horizon. There's that Pathfinder thingie coming out, and did I detect that Eomer dude? I did! Of course, I'll always remember him best as Caesar on Xena: Warrior Princess. And of course Comcast has this strange relationship with Spider Man 3. Just remember, Spider Man, Comcast needs you more than you need Comcast! I know all about these predatory relationships. But then again, even the man himself says you gotta serve somebody. So what hope is there for the rest of us?

What else was there? Nope, can't remember. I gotta get going anyway, I'm already behind schedule. But before I go I'm gonna give only the briefest of Shout-Outs to all those lovely ladies out there, specifically Sarah Michelle Gellar, Calista Flockhart and of course Courtney Love. 'sup, ladies? 'sup, sluts?

Ever have one of ... THESE kinds of days?

Me neither. But it's fun to pretend, and isn't that what movies are all about? And finding new metaphors for the Iraq war?

Man, am I falling behind in the news! Apparently, Don Imus is in hot water over some bad comments he made about the Rutgers women's basketball team. Guess he forgot he wasn't in a sports bar, but that happens to people his age. Maybe it's time for him to call it quits. On the other hand, maybe Bill Bennett should call it quits, too. Maybe there should be earning limits on all these fat guys, like if you make enough to have your own radio station in your own home in Florida, it's time to retire. I know it's a Communist position and all, but how much does Oxycontin really cost?

On the other side of the spectrum, the Police reunion wasn't just for the Grammies! There' s some worldwide concert thing happening, and Genesis is reuniting as well. I think it's the Phil Collins Genesis, but still, it's the 80s all over again, folks. And it's all because of global warming. See? Global warming's not all bad.

Oh but enough of the real news. We've still got to climb the rest of this Box Office mountain. And we left off at #4, Grindhouse. I'll bet there are a lot of Hollywood types that are happy this didn't make #1. Oh well, at 11.6 million, that's about half the advertising budget. A promising start. And as long as they leave it in theaters for the rest of the year it just may turn a profit! heh heh heh...

At #3 it's Are We Done Yet? I made an observation about the earlier film, I Think I Love My Wife, but seeing as how Don Imus is in the hot seat right now I think that's best left alone. I'm not the world's biggest Ice Cube fan, personally, but I did kinda like Triple-X part 2. And hey, if this one doesn't hurt his Street Cred, it's okay by me.

At #2 it's Meet the Robinsons. Nothing to report yet on this one, none of my co-workers have seen it yet. But maybe I'll head to the IMAX theatre to see it... nah. If I didn't do it for Harry Potter, why should I do it for this?

And finally, at #1, it's ol' Will Ferrell again with Blades of Glory. I'm just not ready for an 80s flashback yet. I mean, how good can an era be if Austin Powers hasn't visited it yet? Incidentally, when is Austin Powers 4 coming out? Guess Demi Moore still needs time to get into shape for it. She's supposed to play the love interest, you know. Still, good for Mustafa. I mean, Will Ferrell. Now, for Will's next cinematic feat I think he should try to have two big movies come out at once, like having a Ricky Bobby sequel open against an Anchorman sequel. Why not? How hard would it be to put something like that together? Just take about 3 years off to do it, so it'll be like when Sgt. Pepper came out after the Beates' long hiatus. It'll generate interest by getting everyone to say "Where's Will Ferrell? He's finally lost it, hasn't he?" And then, cha-pow! You're back, baby. And who knows? If you make one of the movies an Oscar movie, it could be your big Oscar Gold year. Eat THAT, Righteous Brothers!

Just throwing it out there. And so we wrap up another box office report. Now if I could just put all that energy into my taxes, I might get them done in time. Right, IRS?

New Game Show: How Naked is Too Naked?

Well, did I call it or did I call it? The free market has spoken, and it wants family entertainment, please! And something under 3 hours, if you can. We don't have as much free time as we used to. My prediction was a little rosier than I thought, though, as Grindhouse settled at #4 this week, instead of #2. Well, King Kong got off to a shakier start too, and now look where it is! ...oh, I thought it was in the top 250. Oh well. Still got LOTR up there, that's something. And Grindhouse is already at #108! Good job, guys. Sometimes that's better than the money.

And more importantly, they have the latest cover of Rolling Stone. Take that, Christina Aguilera! Man, how many times did she have to do the cover naked? I just wonder what Gloria Steinem makes of all this? Or Camille Paglia? or how about Susan Faludi? Maybe her wikipedia entry's a little more enlightening. The point being, Hustler's been doing covers like this til the cows come home, and what thanks do they get? Oh yeah, right...

So where were we? Well, The Lookout is still at #11 or higher, meaning lower box office. Somewhere French Stewart is stroking a voodoo doll... But at #10 it's Air Bud 6! Seriously, though, it's Firehouse Dog. Even they didn't expect it to break into the top 10. It was directed by Todd Holland. In case you're confused, Todd Phillips did Road Trip, Tom Holland did Fright Night, and Tom Noonan directed Wang Dang. hope that helps. Did I mention that their butts are touching?

At #9 the turtles hang strong, but they're about to, uh, crash. Dang! Forgotten my surf lingo already, which is some of what TMNT is all about. What's the opposite of cowabunga?

Shooter's at #8. Yawn. Might as well give a shout out to Fuqua. He's almost as busy as Robert Rodriguez! One pic a year. You go, bruthafriend.

Wild Hogs at #7, but it's #2 cumulative-wise, right behind 300. 300 is at #6, and it's got 50 million more than Wild Hogs. Hmmm... there's a math problem in there someplace, but I'm too tired to see it. In fact, I really should be getting to bed, but the Daily Show's got a new set! I gotta get used to this now. How long will that take?

And finally for now, Hilary Swank's still got it, with The Reaping at #5. Science can't explain it. ......... and faith can't control it. (whew) Well, science might eventually explain it! Give it some time, people. And like Esquire magazine sez, she's single again, guys! But remember: she's got two more Oscars than you. And like Esquire also sez, both those Oscars DON'T LIKE YOU. And further remember, Mendeleev was a Fag!

AC/DC: Heavy Metal's John Williams

Well, what can one say about Stephen King's solo directorial effort, Maximum Overdrive, that hasn't already been said? Well, he himself refers to his writing as the writing equivalent of a Big Mac and fries. Unfortunately, the film feels like even less than that. Call it, King's melding of Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and "Duel." Well, Convoy maybe. Perhaps King's little jab at the truck period of Hal Needham. But more importantly, King got that directing bug out of his system. And even more importantly, there's the contribution of AC/DC to the soundtrack.

Yessir, 1986 was a pretty good year for AC/DC. Even though their website may not want to admit it. Their videos were just starting to take off on MTV, and 'You Shook Me All Night Long' was finally getting the recognition it deserved after premiering on their 1980 album, 'Back in Black'. Six years of singing like Sammy Hagar had taken its toll on Brian Johnson, however, as is evidenced in the song 'Who made Who' that opens the movie. They do, however, really do act as composers on the movie, coming up with incidental music to underscore the action: their tribute to Jaws is why they are the heavy metal John Williams.

They also worked on Last Action Hero, but we'll get to that later. And of course, note the black VW van at the beginning with the AC/DC logo on it, and the fake stoner who says "Far out!"

The action in Close Encounters eventually centers on Devil's Tower, but even though Maximum Overdrive is about a worldwide revolt of machines and mechanical devices, it is perfectly content to stay focused in Wilmington, North Carolina. Not that King has any particular connection with the place, but probably because producer Dino de Laurentiis had a studio there. Cat's Eye was mostly shot there, too, but we'll get into that later. And I guess that's the fundamental problem with the movie: we want a bigger glimpse of the outside world and the chaos that's supposedly taking place, because of a rogue comet, as the movie says. This'll give the nerds a chance to chortle. On the other hand, if you dig how the bank at the beginning filters the interstellar Luddite-ism, this is definitely the movie for you.

An interesting cast is assembled here, and there's definitely room for meditation on the universal concept of hero. Is this not the central preoccupation of all feature films? What is a hero? What makes a hero? Definitely not a machine, that's all too certain here. Unfortunately, not all heroes are destined to have fruitful careers. For instance, one would hardly call Lisa Simpson here a hero; more like shrill, right? And yet, just as Weird Al takes credit for 'discovering' Kramer... well, maybe not as loudly anymore. Check her out in The Legend of Billie Jean, too. She also has a pretty big role in As Good As It Gets; too bad she didn't get a Supporting Actress nod for that. Seems like everyone else got one; they were handing out Oscars for that like candy! Holter Graham seems to have survived the normal ravages of child stardom pretty well, even doing two movies with John Waters a couple years later! And I was pleasantly surprised by Chris Murney. For a second I confused him with Chris Mulkey, but I remember Murney best as one of the wise-ass detectives from Barton Fink.

Where was I? Oh yeah. The point being, okay, so it's not a great movie, but as life goes on I find that people, including myself, often have affection for the movies they have seen, even the bad ones. And every once in a while something comes up, like my new found appreciation for AC/DC, that makes me think "Hey, what about that one movie where... didn't they do the whole soundtrack?" That whole thing. Ultimately, it wasn't worth the look back, but I'm still a sucker for just about anything in letterboxed Panavision.

**1/2

so sayeth the Movie Review Hooligan

Glory Overload, or Katgcolw Katgcolw says Hi

I probably shouldn't say it, but I got a thing for Taco Bell. It comes in a distant second behind Subway in terms of healthy fast food. Let me see if I can blog, eat and not spill anything on the keyboard at the same time. Meanwhile, they've announced at Blogger that I can now incorporate YouTube into my blog! Sounds like a good idea, but it'd probably be a step down, even for YouTube. In addition, it sounds like a slippery slope, appealing even further to the inherent laziness of mouse potatoes. What next, will my computer automatically do my taxes for me? Actually, that's not a bad idea.

I still have to get to my taxes, but I personally believe the remaining Box Office analysis is far more important. So let's dive right in and pick up where we left off. Looks like the numbers haven't changed at all since Sunday. The ballot counts are final and binding. Rounding off the Top 4 it's Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles. Clearly, they're not as hot as they once were. Why, the Muppet turtles made more than that! Spawning two sequels, no less. OTOH, did they have Sarah Michelle Gellar? I don't think so, guhl-friend. Seriously, she must've been working on "A Woman Named Jackie" or "Swan's Crossing" at the time of principal photography on TMNT. Or maybe wrapping up on High Stakes. Clearly, she already had her busy hands full.

At #3, it's still only 60% of the way there, people! Let's not let it fall through the cracks. I'm talkin' 'bout 300 here. Oh well, whatever happens, it's still just another day in the life of Frank Miller. He's still got Sin City 2 to worry about. Speaknig of which, isn't Grindhouse gonna step on 300's toes just a little bit? I know you're all together on Sin City, but still, not cool, Quentin and Rodriquez! You're On Notice.

At #2 it's Meet the (Non-Swiss Family) Robinsons! And with about half of a Pixar flick's opening take. Remember Cars, anybody? That made, like, 200 million on opening weekend. And not a moment too soon, because John Lasseter almost didn't make his mortgage payment that week. But back to MTR. They say it'sbased on a popular series of kids' books, but c'mon. You and I know the author of that book played too much of The Sims at some point in his/her/their life/lives/career (s). Frankly, adaptations in general just aren't what they used to be.

And finally, the glory that is Will Ferrell, as he reigns triumphant over the box office all over again! Need we mention the title of the movie? Who cares? It's Will frickin' Ferrell, right? Dude, are you gay? What more do you need?!

But the movie is Blades of Glory, and it wasn't a Ferrell / McKay co-production, but should've been. As it is, they're busy doing the whole going-against-the-typecast phase of their conjoined careers with Step Brothers. But back to the triumph at hand. Nancy Kerrigan? Seriously? Where has she been? Not that she's not grateful or anything, but she said this movie was the 2nd "most dumbest thing" she's ever done. So boring, so dull, something like that. ...I'm sorry, that's "So corny. So dumb." That's what it was. Not that she's not grateful, mind you. And Mr. Ferrell's already hard at work on his next movie about an intrepid reporter who defies the giant media conglomerates by winding his way into Bosnia and uncovers a ring of... just kidding, it's a basketball movie. Probably a comedy, right? Those basketball dramas don't do squat. Maybe he'll try a come-drama-dy this time around. You know, just a slight stretch for an Oscar instead of a blatant reach. DQ something different, ya know?

Where was I? Oh yeah. In summation, Will Ferrell is here to stay. He's got a piss jar and the restraining order against Chris Kattan has just been renewed until the year 2073. 2005 was a bit rough for Will; none of his four films that year opened at #1, but he's back now and inside all our faces, baby! Now, I know you're all excited about Grindhouse coming out this week; I just heard that ABC is starting a new cable channel that will just show trailers for Grindhouse 24 hours a day. Call your cable company and order it today for the low, low price of just $79.95! How can you lose? I'd even say Grindhouse will be #1 this weekend, but I did the math and I think it's coming in a distant second, and here's why. Oh, my dang blasted new computer's got the hiccups now that Norton Internet Security's running. Anyway, anyone besides me remember the contentious Box Office of November 2003? I know someone who does! Russell Crowe, who had that Master & Baiter movie coming out (sorry, I should've said spoiler alert, or Tasteless joke alert, one of those. You know, from director Peter Weir. Sorry, had to do the follow-up. Anyway, so M&C was all set to be the #1 movie its opening weekend, but guess what? #2!! Why? Because a 2 1/2 hour long non-Will Ferrell movie was going up against a 90-minute Will Ferrell movie. Elf, to be in fact. And so, the small English boats defeat the Spanish armadas yet again as history is set to repeat itself. The ghosts of Stallones past are on the warpath, QT 'n RR; girlfriends, you know it's true.

Welp, that's just about all the Box Office damage I can do this week. Whew! I'm beat. But who knows, I might get my second wind yet. Summer is upon us in a single day, how cool is that? Anyone recall the story about the guy who threw ten puns against the wall?...

Summer of LaBeouf

Girlfriend, you know it's true! Between Disturbia and the Transformers movie, I mean at least one of 'em has to be a hit!

Anyway, I'm up too late again, so we'll keep this short. It's been a while since I broke up the box office Rapport into two so let's do that this time! As expected, the movie with the biggest ad campaign reigns triumphant, but Grindhouse is next week. This week it's the latest Will Ferrell juggernaut, Blades of Glory, but we'll get to that later. Don't feel ashamed, McKay. You're still special, although Ferrell will now need a bigger cut of Step Brothers, that's a given.

But let's start with #10 this go round, and it's The Last Mimzy, the latest directorial effort from New Line Cinema bigwig Robert Shaye. Welp, looks like you're going to have to wait another 17 years to pretend you're a director again, you cicada.

Moving quickly on to #9 it's Reign Over Me.

Moving even more quickly on to #8 it's The Hills have Eyes 2. Another horror movie I'll never see, but it's a sign of the times when Jessica Biel doesn't have to appear in crap like this.

Man, what a bunch of dregs! And they just keep on coming with Premonition at #7. No new quips about this one. It's a sign of respect to Bullock that the theater owners let it play this long. Usually they do that in the summertime!

Speaking of which, it's Shooter at #6. Wow! A cameo in Die Hard 3? Another reason to hate that movie. I gotta check that out.

Five Alive brings us Wild Hogs, the little movie that could. Yessir, this little movie will be a touchstone for many careers for years to come. Some just starting in the biz, and some a coupla old hands at this li'l game called Entertaining America. We just might see Big Momma's House 3 yet! If only on pay per view.

Well, that's a good point to break off on I think, as we'll focus on only those proud Box Office winners in the next segment. TTFN

1999: A Great Year for Movies >> I am Jack's Manifesto

Well, what further can be said about Fight Club? As of this writing there are 8 films in the IMDb top 250 from 1999. The Green Mile? Okay, it's not all good news, but still. What a year. Something about the impending Millennial hysteria, perhaps. As cinema history is written, I think Fight Club will be the one director David Fincher's best remembered for. Well, that and the video for Express Yourself. There are some slight touches of Seven in here, specifically with the police procedurals behind the explosion of the Narrator's apartment, and the gruesomeness of the burned-out car in the warehouse. And yet, it only got nominated for a Sound Effects Editing Oscar. That year The Matrix sweeped all the technical awards it was nominated for. Oh well.

LATEST SIGHTING: I was up late last night waiting for Fletch and Fletch 2 to come on Spike TV, as my cable grid said they would. I don't know exactly why, it seemed like something I wanted to tape at the time, the whole 80s flashback thing. But instead, Fight Club came on! I was disappointed. But only briefly. Kind of interesting, how little gets bleeped out these days, even on Spike TV.

As a technical achievement the film is first-rate, and in terms of sheer editing I don't think it's been topped yet, at least in terms of a film based on a novel. Another example of an adaptation with rather fast-paced editing is The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz, which fits the subject matter. Films have gotten much flashier since, of course, especially the comic book ones. But Fight Club is far from a single-serving film; you'll need to see it a couple times to get everything, or most of everything. Mr. Fincher is inordinately fond of wedging the camera into small spaces. There are at least three Pixar-esque sequences, where the camera comes out of a garbage can, the camera spins around a stove's burner, and the camera pulls back on a refrigerator while having an extreme close-up of the floor. And for me, the opening credit sequence is now on my short list of great Opening Credit sequences (in progress! :) ). In the film's obsession with breaking the fourth wall in as many ways as possible, there is even a nod to film projectionists, and the reel change-over marks (cigarette burns). You'll sometimes see them at the end of Warner Bros. cartoons, or on films that haven't gotten a full digital upgrade. One time on TV they showed Mystery Train and the video transfer of it still had the cigarette burns. For shame, JVC! (Incidentally, if you do edit a couple frames of film into another film, the sound wouldn't be in sync because the sound plays a couple seconds ahead of the picture being shown at the time. A minor point, really. But how does a film like Fight Club have time for minor points?)

As for the actual story content, ultimately for me it gets too ridiculous to take too seriously. Of the other critics, I like Roger Ebert's take on the proceedings: that the film replaces sex with fist fights. Fortunately for us it's just an evolutionary step in our evolving as a species that we feel pain, and that pain is bad. Otherwise Fight Clubs probably would take off as they do here in the film. Even less likely is the evolution of Fight Club into Project Mayhem; at least, among the people I know. The first act of the film, though, does smack of a good adaptation, as the Narrator falls into group therapy meta-addiction much like something that would happen on a good Simpsons episode in its first act. Sprinkled throughout the movie are little bite-sized jewels of knowledge and/or philosophy, some involving soap, as seems to be the trend in movies these days. It's a bit like David Mamet, particularly Glengarry Glen Ross, and Tyler Durden is a little like Ricky Roma's sales approach. I don't think Mamet could've adapted this one as well, but that's just me. Maybe he could've. He's graduated to bigger things now, anyhow.

It's a good cast assembled here, too. Whatever happened to all these people? Brad Pitt seems to spend quite a few speeches rallying against the very fame machine that helped him out; wonder if he improvised all that. Helena Bonham Carter finally sheds her Merchant / Ivory career behind here, and provides the tender love story of the film. One of my favorite Ed Norton lines is "...No matter what happens, got that sofa problem worked out." (That scene: a nod to My Dinner with André, dontcha think?) For me, though, Meat Loaf is the secret heart of the film. Maybe because he's just trying to get by like everyone else, and just full of selfless affection and not spewing so much dogma. He is indeed the warm center of the universe that everyone crowds around! There's too many quotable lines here to end a film review on, but seeing it again I was struck by the following detail: the idea of the film is first bourne when Edward Norton asks Brad Pitt if he can stay with him, after his apartment is blown up. Rather, Brad forces the question on Ed, but I digress. Brad agrees, then immediately asks Ed to hit him. Is being roommates really that painful of a prospect?

***1/2

so sayeth the Movie Review Hooligan