Auteur Watch - Alan Rudolph

I'm sorry, but I've got to put my foot down. If you've got a foot, you've just got to put it down, and down here is where mine is going to be put. I'm sure Alan Rudolph is a nice guy and all, but he's got to go. Seriously, he's got to be drummed out of the DGA right along with Eric Schaeffer and Matthew Meshekoff.
AND the guy who directed 1981's Tattoo. What's his name? Bob Brooks... okay, looks like he already took care of that. Never mind.
But back to Mr. Rudolph. He's at least got one film so far that he'll be remembered for, and that, of course, is Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle. And I'm starting to wonder about that one! No, it's still good. But THAT'S IT! Like with most normal people, Kevin Smith's got Clerks 1, Spike Lee's got Do The Right Thing, and M. Night Shyamalan's got The Sixth Sense. Some directors just end up with one film that way.
The son of director Oscar Rudolph, Alan was born in the industry's backyard on December 18th, 1943. Fortunately, Alan wouldn't be consigned to the TV directing ghetto like dear old dad. Yes, no matter how you slice it and dice it, Alan's a director only a film critic could love.
Oh yeah! Almost forgot. So, what's Mr. Rudolph's favorite career decade? Perhaps it's the go-go 60s, when he was just starting out, assistant directing for the likes of Buzz Kulik and Alex March? Or perhaps the go-go 70s, when he assistant directed for Robert Altman? Oh, a screenwriter can surely become king with a little luck and nepotism beneath his wings!
Perhaps the 80s. Alan weathered the ravages of the Me Decade with some under-the-radar writer-director numbers. But it was the 90s that would bring upon him much unwelcome attention. First with 1991's Mortal Thoughts starring Die Hard star Bruce Willis and Mrs. Bruce Willis, Demi Moore. And second with the Mrs. Parker thingie. Finally! Some damn recognition! Or perhaps it was the 2000s, when he took that recognition and cashed it in to make The Secret Lives of Dentists. See, I have a problem with this movie. Apparently, Denis Leary calls someone a lousy dentist, and they don't call him a lousy comedian right back. A movie's gotta have a certain amount of credibility in my book.
But he's got something on the front burner. Something called Blind Spot. That'll probably be in the 2010s, which will probably be his favorite decade of all. I'm so depressed...

Close enough...

Oh, this is just too good to start at #1. Time to break down this week's box office starting with #10: The Final Destination is now on its way to the video stores. Knocking Whiteout to #11 or lower, it's had quite a run indeed. Surely this isn't the last installment? Maybe whoever wins the Alien v. Predator court case can move on to The Big Dance and face off with Final Destination there.
Moving briskly on to #9, it's Sorority Row, a horror franchise in the making... or did it make enough to justify a sequel? If it were up to me, sure, but cooler heads shall always prevail in these matters, I'm afraid. Meanwhile, All About Steve is about to go down in flames. That may be the end of the story for that would-be franchise. Besides, I'm still waiting for Hope Floats 2, if only on video with Amanda Bynes and Drake Bell in the leads. Forest won't come back to direct, but Sandra will executive produce and return as a grandmother, telling Amanda to not make the mistakes she once made. You've seen it all before, folks.
Inglorious Basturds rounds out the Top 7, and 9 rounds out the Top 6. I have to call it 9 (Nine) in Excel, otherwise it skews my data.
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Awright, enough of that crap. On to the winners! At #5 is the highly promoted Jennifer's Body. Welp, looks like Megan Fox won't get to ask for 20 million for Transformers 3. No, Bay would just as quickly replace her with Demi Moore. What? Demi could still pull it off! I'll save my other quips for next week, if this turkey's still around. Things like Needy? A girl named Needy. Perfect. If a MAN wrote this screenplay, he'd be crucified for that character name.
And speaking of bad movie names, #4's Love Happens has a hoot: Jennifer Aniston plays Eloise! Aaron Eckhart does NOT play Abelard. For shame. I consider it a lost opportunity. Hopefully, he does, too.
Numbers 3 and 2, no surprise there, but #1! I shoulda known, but I coulda sworn the non-kid demographic would come through for me this week. Notta chance. No, it's the kid friendly Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs at #1. Which means that Bill Hader might finally get to kiss his day job at SNL goodbye, but who knows? Those jobs are worth having these days. Except for Darrell Hammond. Where's his superfluous roles in Adam Sandler bombs? Where's his cameos in Judd Apatow / Ben Stiller productions? I gotta get cracking on that Neo-Rat Pack thing of mine. I better go...

Auteur Watch - Robert Rodriguez

So what's THIS boy wonder up to lately? Well, after bombing so ruthlessly with his 2009 offering, Shorts, he's on to bigger and better things. He's hard at work on the Sin City trilogy, and look! Another Jetsons reboot! Well, every twenty years or so, Hollywood is doomed to try again, I suppose.
But leave us apply the Decade Theory lest I forget. Some directors weave their spell so well sometimes that I forget to. But it'll be short, anyway, since there are only an action-packed two. There's the go-go 90s when he first rocked the low-budget film world with his $7,000 movie. Some might credit the guy's publicist, I say the public was eager to believe. To believe in the little guy, like Slacker and its near-anagram, Clerks, and El Mariachi. In the wake of big bloated Hollywood productions crashing on the rocks like Last Action Hero and Jurassic Park, often on the same release date! No, people were ready to cleanse their jaded pallets... and palates... with lower-carb fare like Brothers McMullen and anything by Jon Jost... Okay, not THAT independent. But still. Or maybe it's the mid-90s, when Quentin Tarantino took him by the hand and led him to cable greatness with Desperado and From Dusk Till Dawn, and probably some others.
Or is the 2000s his favourite decade? Perhaps the first half when he first hit upon box office gold with the kid-friendly Spy Kids franchise and its McDonald's tie-ins? Or the second half when he traded in his old wife for Rose McGowan on the set of Grindhouse? Probably that part, yeah. I think so, too. But while she's off doing Red Sonja, and BEING Red Sonja, ol' Bobby's got his work cut out for him. So raise a glass to Robert Rodriguez, everybody! Cheers. Grindhouse forever. And may the trilogies never die.

Indeed...

Why, it seems like only yesterday that Madea Goes to Jail was in theaters... oh, wait, it was February 22nd. And now, almost seven months later, we get the next installment in the ongoing Madea series, and it's called I Can Do Bad All By Myself. From what I can tell, the film version is a sheer bastardization of the stage play. Van Morrison's song cut out. The young black man out of prison replaced by a Mexican. Everybody's STILL outsourcing these days. Apparently a decent living wage isn't a moral issue yet. But lemme just say this to all you haters out there: Madea sure can deliver a good malapropism when pressed to. Mixing toupee with toothpaste? Does NOTHING warm the hearts of you big city slicker types?
All right, enough about that. Coming in at #2, a film that dares go where Pixar can't afford to yet: PG-13 territory. And at a fraction of the budget! It's called 9. And it's another one of these feature adaptations of a great student film. Oh, they never turn out right, I tells ya. I like the ads for this because they say: from producers Tim Burton and Tim Beck-Mumbles-a-lot... hmmm. That sounds half-right. Better look it up... Timur Bekmambetov, that's it. And no, he's not Borat's wacky sidekick. I guess you could call him the Russian Guillermo Del Toro... something like that.
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And sticking with just the debuts this week, we've got two more to go! Four debuts in a week even though summer's supposed to be winding down here! What gives, eh? The horror has it with two fresh horrific entries, Sorority Row and Whiteout. Whiteout is basically a reboot of The Thing (from Another World), meets Ice Station Zebra. Meets The Day After Tomorrow? Oh, we could go on forever. As for Sorority Row, well... poor Carrie Fisher. It's come down to this. I hope you got as much of that $16 million budget as you could. I just hope you didn't catch any of that crew gossip like Meryl did in Postcards. I better go.

Auteur Watch - Paul Quinn

I shoulda known. Shows you what I know! Apparently the Quinn family's this huge dynasty. Not quite as big or as flamboyant as the Baldwins, but up there. Aidan's The Mighty, and let's say, Paul here is The Large, for lack of a better descriptor. Okay, so his career's a little slower than Aidan's, but that's out of respect and deference! He barely qualifies for my Decade Theory, but I'd have to say his favorite is probably the go-go 90s, which makes the 60s look like the 50s, as we all remember. Yes, he tried the acting thing, piggybacking into Avalon somehow, and a couple others as well, but you know what? Directing, that's his thing. And what more appropriate film than a thinly-veiled autobiographical effort? Called This is My Father. I think it's about his eccentric uncle who's a hitman for the IRA, but everyone calles him Father... I'm going to leave 'calles' misspelled as it is. Sometimes you just gotta honor these typos, as you realize your facilities are breaking down. Declan Quinn!! I shoulda figured that. Why, he's almost as big a cinematography star as Aidan is an acting star, dare I say. Oh, Paul's way way left in the lurch. He's the Daniel Baldwin of the family. But at least he had sense enough to direct just one episode of Scrubs. Lemme guess: when you get right down to it, everyone's a little different? Whether you're the a$$hole janitor or a perky-eyed love interest, or the Ray Romano-esque leading man?
Of course, like all Hollywood phonies, perhaps Paul Quinn's favorite decade will be the 2010s. Oh, he's got irons in that fire, especially with Good Ol' Boy on the horizon. And with Declan at his side, it's Look Out, Coens! Hold all the lenses you want, Good Ol' Boy's comin' to get you.

Have a very merry Un-Labor Day, heh heh...

Boy! I was starting to worry about the IMDb there for a minute! But it looks like I can rely on their Top 10 once again and not have to switch over to the street walkers over at Variety. Oh, I gotta keep things short and terse this month... so far. Well, I and a lot of people can hardly believe it. Even David Ellis can't believe it! Yes, in a squeaker, Final Destination beats out Quentny's Intolereable Basturds for the second week in a row, in a final tally as contentious as The Specialist vs. Pulp Fiction. Oh, and there are three debuts this week. All About Steve debuts at #3, but don't worry. Sandra's having a fine year, and so is 'Sack' Lodge. Why, I almost feel sorry for the guy, having to hold that same expression on his face all the time. Looks like All About Steve is Management in reverse, with Sandra Bullock playing the Steve Zahn role. I'll probably never get to see it, though, because look! We're already on to the next debut which is...
Gamer, close behind at #4. Oh, great. Another movie about video games. It would've been a bigger debut if it was based on a more specific game. And finally, Mike Judge's latest effort, Extract, debuts at #9, making it a prime candidate for my year-end wrap-up of the one-week wonders. Well, Beavis, that's how these cult films get started, you know. They often can't be cult films right out of the gate! It takes time! And money! And suffering! And more time! Maybe Absolut can foot some of the bill for the cult-ification of this one, heh heh. I mean, huh huh. I gotta go.

When "World's" Collide

Oh, I almost totally forgot that I saw this. Might as well get a damn review out of it. And while I'm happy for Jimmy Kimmel... at least, I THINK I am, this will surely put his Kingmaker status to the test. I guess the film wasn't good enough to be funded by his Jackhole Industries, but he did have director and frequent Kimmel collaborator Bobcat Goldthwait, and frequent Jimmy Kimmel Live guest and the film's star Robin Williams, on his show not too long ago. It did manage to generate some headlines which may translate into some extra box office. We shall see.
For me, these days, a film's ultimate sin is amateurishness. And while Goldthwait and company are far from amateurs in the world of professional comedy, in terms of putting a film together, World's Greatest Dad smacked ever so slightly of film school. Mostly in the cinematography and the script. I said it before and I'll say it again: Donnie Darko director Richard Kelly was one of the film's producers; couldn't he get Poster to do this? And Robin: after all the times they worked together, couldn't he get Donald McAlpine to do a little pro-bono work? I dunno; maybe the sets were too small.
Or maybe it's the Curse of Seattle. Seattle gets all the lame movies: Life or Something Like It, Assassins, Disclosure to name a few. Even Cameron Crowe gave up on Seattle! But I know someday he will come back to complete the trilogy. Even if it's just a documentary about Starbucks or the EMP, he will come back.
But maybe World's Greatest Dad will change all that. I mean, they musta went all over! Downtown, West Seattle... I recognized our dorky park signs with the bright color stripes: red, green... perhaps you remember them!
And I use the word 'dorky' half-ass deliberately, because the script seems mired in the world of South Park and ... well, pretty much South Park. I had another example before. In case you don't know my world view, that's bad. South Park may have had some moments, but to me it's pretty much amateur night. Oh! South Park and Kevin Smith, and all other proponents of the school of comedy that says if you don't find our stuff funny, you have no sense of humor. Their problem is they can't distinguish between comedy and just plain obscenities. No, that all-too-useful website urbandictionary.com is going to put a dent in the potty-mouth humor market. Mark my words: schoolyard bullies HATE this website because it levels the playing field for them. They had to learn their obscenities the old-fashioned way.
...Where was I? Oh yeah. I know this is getting a lot of critical praise right now, and if you notice it's not for the cinematography. But some have philosophically asked themselves: how did this work of genius pull it off? How does it take an act of tragedy (auto-erotic asphyxiation gone awry) and turn it into dark comedy gold? For me, it seems to do it by dealing as thoroughly as possible in stereotypes. The school that Robin Williams teaches at is populated by stereotypical students, teachers and administrators. This seems to have a soothing effect on the tragedy that the film's based upon. Some of the characters here are good, like Toby Huss, but he plays a publishing agent who shows up at the end. Alexie Gilmore does what she can here as the love interest. I hate to say this is a role of a lifetime for her, but this should propel her to bigger and better things.
Another script device is the recycling of elements. I hate to give anything away here, but one critic did complain that Goldthwait tends to overuse the musical montage. If it's done well, I don't have a problem. Williams' big scene uses a song called 'Don't Be Afraid, You're Already Dead' by a group named Akron/Family. It was effective. But to nitpick, notice how Williams moves so his face isn't in the dark towards the end of the scene. I believe they call that 'bad blocking.' But the other one that some may criticize is the dual use of the Queen/Bowie song, Under Pressure. It is used by a student in Williams' class that they try to pass off as an original work, and used in the final scene when Williams tells the truth, in a moment that reminded me of all the times Lisa Simpson tells the truth on 'The Simpsons' and restores the family's personal status quo. If only the script relied on The Simpsons for more inspiration: they work blue, too!
And then of course, there's Bruce Hornsby. He does about as well here as he would have in a similar Adam Sandler comedy.
I think that's about all I had on this, but I will end on a note of praise by talking about the plot. It is a classic comedy setup: Robin Williams is a teacher at the same school as his ultimate nightmare of a son. Now, how does that reflect upon each other? Of course, people forget: Robin's son Kyle did have that one moment of insight about Robin's love interest: Claire, the art teacher. Kyle called her 'a little pretentious,' something like that. Perhaps Kyle will serve as a warning to all parents out there who give unsupervised internet access to their children... perhaps.

**1/2

-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Reflections on Viewings Past: The House that Couldn't Slow Down

I mean, c'mon! Is that the best title they could come up with? The Tenth Man? Okay, so it's the name of the Graham Greene novel... or so I hear. Lemme check my local library...'s website; ah, the modern age. Yep, it's called that, all right. And for those of you out there who get annoyed when they use the title in the film, oh, it's a humdinger when they use it! Sorry, you're going to have to suffer through it as I did.
I can't remember what channel it was on: one of those special HD channels that only the blessed now get. For a small fee. They called it a world premiere. Okay, so it was a TV movie originally, and the music pretty much confirms that... check it out when Hannibal goes back to his house, and has to move fallen branches from the driveway. Am I right or what? But the point was, how often does a TV movie boast this caliber of cast? Exactly. Anthony Hopkins does his usual exemplary work. Well, what they should tell you in acting class is to go for the Oscar every time, just like De Niro did when starting out with Roger Corman. Who knew? Kristin Scott Thomas, well, she looked quite young but obviously working on Under the Cherry Moon aged her terribly. And needless to say, when Derek Jacobi appears, he gives the film some much-needed oomph. I hope that doesn't give too much away.

Cinematography: by Alan Hume, best known for all the James Bond films he did, and many of the infamous Carry On series. Oh, and A Fish Called Wanda. Why, he must've been pulling his hair out on this one! Where's the comedy? Where's the action?

Okay, I'll divulge a little of the plot, as any good film critic does. Place: Nazi-occupied France. Time: 1941... hmm! Just like Inglourious Basturds, only not as blatantly cinephilic, probably. The Germans do random sweeps of city streets to keep those damn French under control. And in one of their sweeps, Boom! They grab Hopkins and off to their hoose gow they go. There's thirty prisoners, and the Germans are ordered to execute three... or ten percent of their prisoners. I think that's how they phrased it. And so, the men draw lots from someone's shredded-up letter. And wouldn't ya know it? Hopkins gets one of the three death straws! So far, he's two for two. But he's a rich man and he's finally able to put it to some damn use. And he finds a guy with a bad cough to take his place for him: the Germans don't care which three prisoners, they just need any three. And so, using his extensive lawyering skills he draws up a will and testament for himself and for the sick dude taking his place. And since the sick dude won't be able to enjoy Hopkins' wealth, he bequeaths it all to his mother and sister. And so, the big day comes and, just like in Paths of Glory, the three prisoners get shot.
Three years later, Hopkins gets out of prison, with one beard and zero money. And eventually he realizes, there's only one place to go: back home. But there's one problem: the sick dude's mother and sister are there. And Hopkins quickly intuits that the sister has become SUPER ANGRY WOMAN! Her super power? Rage. Rage at that craven coward who traded his wealth for her brother's life, and if that double-dealing bastard ever comes back to his own house... well, it spirals out of control from there. He passes himself off as someone other than himself and ends up staying. Will she find out his true identity? Will they be able to go to the big dance without fear of identification? But really, when you get right down to it, aren't all relationships like theirs? That's a bit of a stretch, I know, but I still gotta ask.
Seriously, though, I will say, and this is my big chance to use all those months spent taking all those Comp. Lit. classes... oh, wait, I didn't take any Comp. Lit. classes. Damn! Anyway, for a bad SAT-esque analogy, what William Styron is to Sophie's Choice, Graham Greene is to The Tenth Man. Why is it Sophie's choice? Wasn't it the Germans' choice to be evil? But then again, what do I know? I'm just a snot-nosed kid with graying hair... bad combination. So young, so wide-eyed, so naive about how things work in the real world. I'm telling you, though, you gotta like it when Jacobi shows up.

And that's about it, my friends. So, what star rating? Well, the way I usually do it, I say that three stars means it was worth at least one viewing. There wasn't much visually striking that would be worth going back for; well, maybe that jail cell at the beginning. Three and a half means there was a couple scenes worth seeing again, and four means it's a classic that I'm going to keep forever and ever amen, which doesn't explain why I've got Indiana Jones 4, but that's another story. For this one? Three stars. Next please!

***
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Short Reviews - Aug. '09

Too many movies coming out!

'night, Mother - Good double bill with Extremities.

Hawmps! - Blows.

The Brown Bunny - Oh, Chloe Sevigny, my little tunicate...

Savannah Smiles - Am I the only one who remembers this movie?

The Relic (1997) - Am I the only one who remembers that this was #1 its opening weekend?

Gunshy (1998) and Gun Shy (2000) - I can't tell these two apart!!!!

Taps - Nice to see I wasn't the only one who hates the scourge of Seattle condominiums.

The Marc Pease Experience - Oh, pease. Yeah, this'll be box office gold.

"The Bonnie Hunt Show" - Oh, Don Lake. Somehow this seems like a step down for you. But, work is work. If Claire okays it, then why not.

Blow - The GoodFellas of drug importing

Donnie Brasco - The GoodFellas of FBI infiltration.

Empire (2002) - The GoodFellas of drug dealing

Innocent Blood - The GoodFellas of vampires

Boogie Nights - The GoodFellas of porno

A Bronx Tale - The GoodFellas of bus drivers

Mobsters - GoodFellas Jr.

Dances with Wolves - The GoodFellas of Native Americans

The Departed - The GoodFellas of ... Boston? Of 2006?

Cinderfella - Ooh, I heard that's good... I sorta couldn't watch it myself.

Clear Cut - Graham Greene's favorite film. When are the Saw guys gonna remake this turkey?

Pawn Stars - There's a pun there somewhere, but I still can't see it...

Homecoming - For God's sake, people! Mischa Barton went to THERAPY over this movie! And just ahead of the release date, too! ...too late. It's already bombed.

(National Lampoon's) The Legend of Awesomest Maximus - I do like Will Sasso, but I just hope this is an okay vehicle for him. As for National Lampoon, well, this is hardly the late 70s/early 80s anymore. Maybe YOU'RE the one getting lampooned here... or is that harpooned? One of the two.

The Beast - Erick Avari's first and last serious role... I used that one already, didn't I? Thought so. He and Sayed Badreya should do a buddy pic together... probably used that one already, too. Damn! Can I still claim that great minds think alike?

Curb Your Enthusiasm - Okay, LD, but technically you've got to do 100 more episodes to totally eclipse Seinfeld!

Farewell to the King - You know, you often hear about 'token black' characters, but what about token Brits? Forced to play second fiddle to the American alpha dog?

How to Murder Your Wife - SEE?! They're EVERYWHERE! They're VERY everywhere...

Over the Top - Lincoln Hawk? Great, great name. Over the top, indeed!

Lars and the Real Girl - Well, I guess there's only one thing to say: if only more women were like Bianca...

Young People F***ing - You know... Two thoughts, of course. On the one hand, I see what they're trying to do; this could be the description of most 80s teen comedies, arguably. On the other hand, it's a not-so fine line between porno titles and theatrical release titles. Why, I remember a time when that one scene with Jean Simmons in Spartacus sent people in droves to confession booths. How gone that era is. Incidentally, I only stumbled upon this one in my vainglorious attempt to find films with two-word titles, the SECOND word being people. Harder than I thought. Speaking of which...

Cold Souls - I just might end up giving this one the cold soul-der... nothing? Folks, the point is...

The Hurt Locker - The best American movie of the summer? I'd have to see it to believe it, personally. I mean, Point Break and Strange Days were okay, but...

The Onion Movie - Ironically, The Onion panned it... or maybe NOT so ironically, in this post-hip era we live in

Naked Gun 4 - Just found out about this... okay, look. I think things have gone far enough, but that's how it is. Why, in even The Police can resolve their differences and get back together. I mean, let's face it! Leslie Nielsen has many, MANY cinematic sins to atone for ... some even in the midst of the Naked Gun craze in the first place! But it looks like it's going to beat Lethal Weapon 5 by a New York Mile... for what that's worth.

Deadbeat (1976) - One I doubt Chris Mulkey wants to be remembered for... and DON'T ask me who he is!

High School Musical 4: A Hornaday Keeps The Box Office Away - Who do they think they are? Harry Potter? Is this going to turn into the 7 Up series?

The Genesis Code - Okay, guys, this is getting out of hand. What next, are you going to hand out promotional rolls of toilet paper for the big Hollywood premiere of ... Deuteronomy? heh heh...

The Bear That Wasn't - Oh, it's good, but it's no I Lost My Bear... I mean, Munro.

Extract - This better not suck, Beavis!

Fantastic Mr. Fox - Ocean's 14? Somehow I thought the animation would be a little more Pixar-esque...

Mind The Gap - Eric Schaeffer's Jersey Girl (2004) ?

The Simpsons: The Complete Twelfth Season - Still loving it... but I must confess, that montage of Jeff Albertson was maybe a little too much. Ended perfectly, of course. One thing I got stuck in my head right now: the portable credit card reader that says "Deadbeat!" over and over again... oh, crud.

All About Steve - Oh, there's NO WAY this is going to be as big a hit as The Proposal. And it's probably not going to win as many Oscars as All About Eve. But the big question of course is: where did Bradley Cooper hook up with Renée Zellweger? ...oh, of course. Case 39. Strike Three for Jeniston! Owwch. And incidentally, why is Sandy so untouchable? Surely, Brad's hotter than Jesse James? Oh why oh why is there never enough of these hot young starlets to go around... The other question no one is asking: when is Bradley Cooper going to play the lead in the Lindsey Buckingham story?

Sorority Row - At first I couldn't tell if it was a comedy or a horror movie, and then I saw Carrie Fisher and I couldn't help but think, oh, Princess Leia. How could you let yourself go like that? Maybe it's time to rethink Kathleen Turner...

Play the Game - Now Andy Griffith's the Sexy Beast!

Auteur Watch - Folco Quilici

I still gotta keep it short this week, so I'm just going to go ahead and guess that the 1990s were his favourite decade. I mean, finally! Some rest! Only one made in that decade, which is good, because only one survived... I know, but I had to go for it all the same.

Folco's official website

Staying Power

Okay, so it's the final destination of the earth, so to speak. I didn't have time to look up my DVD of Defending Your Life. ¶ Anyway, the horror has it! But for some reason people are craving cheap thrills, as opposed to quasi-indie, quasi-historically-based thrills. I gotta hand it to him: Snakes on a Plane director Ellis has got something! He's doing better than Steve Boyum, anyway, at least on the big screen. Ellis returns to a franchise that has obviously been good to him before, and if the box office is right, surely this won't be the final Final Destination? How can Saw keep going? So many questions.
I gotta keep things short this week, so let's just do the debuts. The other two this week are the new, revamped Halloween 2... get a room, guys! Don't get me started. Well, at least Margot Kidder's getting work once again. I guess that means she's insurable now. The other debut is the heavily advertised Taking Woodstock. A close friend of mine swears that that Demetri Martin is juiced in... you know, a distant relative of Coppola or something. Apparently not. Between Conan O'Brien and The Daily Show, he's come so far on sheer raw charisma, and by being a fave of the Onion set. And his awesome palindrome power. Well, personally, I'm just a jaded old timer, but I still don't see it. This close friend of mine also compared Demetri to Pauly Shore, which to me is a little unfair. At least Pauly Shore had a sense of fun about him. I don't get that kind of vibe from Demetri. More of a "Why am I not more famous yet?" vibe, but without the Orny Adams exterior of desperation.

Auteur Watch - Albert Pyun

You know, there's a reason some directors are maligned the way they are. Rowdy Herrington comes to mind. Oh sure, his 1992 Gladiator has become a cable mainstay, but clearly, Ridley Scott's 2000 Best Picture winner Gladiator is the alpha Gladiator... at least it was until 300 showed up on the scene. Anyway, the point being, Mr. Pyun shows no signs of repentance... but redemption may be in the cards. We'll get to that later.
So let's get right to it! Which decade do you suppose is Pyun's favourite? Is it the go-go 80s, when he first tricked people into thinking he's a director? It was the era of Cannon... I actually remember the ad for this one! If I remember correctly, a car's driving by this chick and they smack her in the ass. I believe with some sort of ass-smacking stick, as though it was a game of mailbox baseball. Ah, the good ol' days. He got Kathy Ireland's film career going back then! Or rather, I suppose it's that he simultaneously started AND ended her career. Probably for the best.
Or perhaps it was the fecund 90s? He was able to hide under the rubric of independent filmmaker for a while... until about the time of Mean Guns, that is. Not to mention Omega Doom which features quite possibly the best malfunctioning cyborg ever committed to film... oh, that's how it was SUPPOSED to act? Forget it. Save your rental credits... HE did Brain Smasher? Oh, surely there's a co-director... nope, just Dice. Wow. Who knew?
I mean, my God! He's got 27 credits logged in for the 90s! And Spielberg, like a fool, took four years off to start his own studio! Get a clue, Steve!
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And now comes the 2000s, or the new aughts as I prefer to think of it. He's slowing down a bit now, but still picking the A projects out of the D bin. Bulletface? Love it! Probably not as good as Pinhead, but you can't have it all, am I right? And what A-list Hollywood director other than Andrew Davis wouldn't want to work with Steven Seagal? I bet Jamie Pressly won't return Pyun's calls anymore... I betcha.
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If I had to guess, I'd say the 80s are Mr. Pyun's favourite decade. This was when a film was a film. Say what you will about Cannon, they never skimped on the Panavision cameras and the big gaudy 70mm-esque film stock. As they probably said, film is king. No, the 80s was quite a time to get started in film, indeed. Now, any Albert Pyun with a cellphone and about 5000 dollars of computer equipment can be the next big YouTube sensation. But Mr. Pyun's got an ace up his sleeve! That's right... something called Tales of an Ancient Empire. Tell me more... They say it follows his directorial debut, 1982's The Sword and The Sorcerer. And while it's a little late to ride Lord of the Rings' coattails, and the film does feature the best lineup of 1994, as The Onion might quip, it's got one thing going for it: it's cheap. If someone's willing to put this turkey into 14,000 theaters some weekend, well, stranger things have happened! Like The Final Destination franchise. I gotta go. I just gotta.

Box Office High Jinks, 8/23/09, part 2

I KNEW there was something fishy about that Limbaugh logo with the phony crazy 8s! ¶ Anyway, back to #6. It's Robert Rodriguez's latest kid-friendly fare, Shorts. Well, honestly, all his stuff is kinda directed at kids, especially the R-rated stuff. You know how kids are, longing to do all the adult stuff. What I want to know is, what gives, Quents? I thought you two were friends! Couldn't you push your release date ahead a coupla months or something? Help a beaner out, man! Otherwise, it's all old stuff. G-Force, Harry Potter, Ugly Truth, yada yada. But in a stunning reversal, The Goods is now at #10 instead of 11 or lower, meaning it pushed something out of the way... what was it? Post Grad! That's right. The demographic not often heard from in these Animal House-esque 'comedies.' Oh, this is going to throw all my data off. So, instead of Post Grad being a one-weeker, now it's a nothing! And The Goods no longer has the distinction of being a one-weeker, either! And Ponyo's got critically-acclaimed creators, so it might be back next week. Things are getting too complicated amongst the underachievers.

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Oh my God! Rush was right! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Speaking of dying, Angela Lansbury and Joan Cusack were hot Yahoo! search terms this weekend, so I think a lot of people thought the same thing: oh my God! They died? Miss Universe was another one just now. See, that's more like it. Plus, Miss Universe will never die. There will always be a new one... unless Obama's evil Stalinist HEALTH CARE PLAN PASSES!!!! OMG...
C'mon, man. Pull yourself together. Yes, it's time to focus on the only news worth reading about: how did that weekly horse race come out that involves the movies? Well, it should come as little to no surprise that ol' Quenty's still got it... sort of. Yes, his latest, Inglorious Bastids is on top at #1 with an unquestionably high amount of money. Not like Pulp Fiction beat out by Sly Stallone's latest... hoh, boy. So many bad memories. Meanwhile, his Grindhouse co-creator, is positively eating it with his latest, Shorts. Waah. It's got that Taco Bell font, so I can't help but wonder if there was a tie-in? Sorry, I haven't been able to make it down there in a while.
--
Anyway, as I only so often do, I think this box office needs to be broken down in two parts. We'll do the top half first. Yes, I.B.'s saturation bombing ad campaign, combined with the occasional target market blitz, and it ruled the day. The only blitz I know of is when Eli Roth stopped by those basterds over at Rotten Tomatoes and gave them his favorite Top 5 movies you'd never want to watch with your family. Something like that. Even more obscure titles than Quentin looked at when he was a hot-shot young video store freak. It's all good, and it's all one long constant rosy learning experience... crucifixion. My literary reference of the day.
Whew! I thought I'd never get to #2, and it's District 9. But more interesting than that, both D9 and IB are in an Achilles-worthy foot race to #1 of that most glorious of institutions, The IMDb Top 250. Of course, I still don't see how The Shawshank Redemption is better than The Godfather, but I've always been pretty naive that way. As any Stephen King fan would tell me, WHO'S SOLD MORE BOOKS? STEPHEN KING OR MARIO PUZO? THE ANSWER IS STEPHEN KING. NOT MARIO PUZO, STEPHEN KING. END OF STORY. On the other hand, Mario did have a hand in the screenplay for the 1978 Superman movie! Does this count for nothing?
At #3 is the latest tirade against Michael Bay-style cinematics, G.I. Joe... or rather, proponent of. I always get those two mixed up. Maybe Bay produced this one, too! And at #4, it's The Time Traveler's Wife, which gets the worst of both worlds. Panned by critics and audiences alike, don't the fools understand? It's a Chick Sci-Fi Flick! Why, I'll bet there's some gals out there who'd find it VERY romantic if their husband travelled through time to when they were six!... Not me, though. I'm a dude. We prefer such inter-dimensional conjugal visits around age 14 or so.
And finally, rounding out our Top 5, it's Nora Ephron's latest, Julie & Julia. And Nora does it again! Not quite like Sleepless in Seattle, but DEFINITELY not like Lucky Numbers, that's for sure. Of course, ALL directors like ALL their films, but some tend not to watch them ever again. That's why I feel sorry for Spielberg: who's going to entertain HIM? Eric Schaeffer? I seriously doubt that.

I loved "I Love You, Man"... or did I?

You know, I wanted to be able to say that I really loved I Love You, Man. I really did. It came critically acclaimed, it did fairly well at the box office... not that that usually matters, of course. Then again, the people and movies I tend to like tend not to perform well there, but I'm getting off target again. This does beg the question, though: how do you cross that line between enjoying a movie on your own and enjoying a movie in the comfort of friends and family? For example, I went with the entirety of my family unit to see Rushmore over ten years ago, and after the seemingly third or fourth mention of 'hand jobs' I felt like grabbing one of the filmmakers by the throat, slapping them around a bit and saying, Hey, man! My mom's in the audience. WTF, dude? But that's just me. I'm just overly sensitive that way. Of course, these days, I Love You Man seems pretty tame by comparison. One wishes it were a little hipper, a little edgier. Oh well. Can't have everything!
But this does give me an opportunity to complain some more about the rise of Hollywood's new Nepotism Class. No, it appears that the days of a Spielberg or a Lucas sneaking in to the studio and completely changing the nature of the biz are long gone. Now you've got to be the child of a wealthy showbiz family just to get an entry-level job! Director John Hamburg, for example, is the son of New York radio talk show host Joan Hamburg. Rashida Jones, who plays Zooey in the film, is the daughter of Quincy Jones and Peggy Lipton. And I'm pretty sure that cinematographer Lawrence Sher is related to uber-producer Stacey Sher. Not to mention blatant Resemblatism: is not Jamie Pressly the new Michelle Pfeiffer?
But our family unit did agree that the idea was a novel one: what do you do when you have so few friends, and you need someone to be the Best Man at your wedding? Someone other than your younger, aggressively gay brother, of course? Oh, but there I go again; I guess Andy Samberg is as good a role model as any. Enter Jason Segel into the picture. Yeah, this kid's got legs. Contrast his performance here with his lead role in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and I think you'll find a good length of range. For some reason I thought of Zero Mostel... at least, a Zero in relaxed mode. I stand by that verdict, but I don't know if I want to re-watch the movie to confirm that. Segel's more relaxed here, and seems to be playing a character much older, and a little wiser, than himself. I understand where he's coming from, but dude, sometimes you just gotta man up and bag the dog crap. Spare yourself the aggravation! Try to make it one of your Man Rules: "Try not to aggravate people by leaving your dog's crap behind." Maybe ease into it with attitude.
Which brings me to Paul Rudd and his character. My close friend whose opinion I trust has a rule: a movie or a book's gotta hook me within the first 15 minutes... or the first chapter. I'm not sure what the page limit is on books. And somehow, I couldn't find myself relating to these people at all. Crazy rich white people. Can't do it. Maybe someday, fingers crossed, but not now. Getting married and starting a land development deal. As alien a world to me as the Mars of Total Recall, but at least that had some kitsch value. For me, Rudd seemed to be channeling Ben Stiller in the role he should've taken if he was available. Much like the lead in Hamburg's previous effort, Along Came Polly, a movie about which another friend of mine said that he knew was a bad movie, but damn! That P.S. Hoffman steals every scene he's in! High-enough praise for a comedy in my book. So, Hamburg covers both coasts with these two movies... is it time to venture into Alexander Payne's backyard, thereby covering the whole USA? Think about it!
So what DID I like about I Love You, Man? Oh, I don't know. It certainly was chock full of wall-to-wall little laughs, like the constant use of cutting-edge slang, and Klaven's botching of it. And like Along Came Polly, good comedy names. The kind Jerry Lewis might relish saying. Reuben FEFFER! Peter KLAVEN! Yes, the script is indeed full of a thousand tiny quotable moments, but it's the superstructure that needed some meat on the old bones somehow. And personally, I don't care how naive you are, but if you're a guy about to get married, and you ask your bride to be WHY you're getting married anyway, you deserve what you get. Some might say his bride's reaction was too tepid, or maybe they deserve each other. I mean, let's face it: Zooey's not exactly the alpha female in her group, right? Incidentally, was I the only one, or did the girlfriend group remind you of the girlfriend group in There's Something About Mary? Yeah, I thought it was just me. Well, what can I say? I don't get out that much.
As part of full disclosure, every once in a while a vote is called to abort the viewing of a motion picture or a TV show, and move on to something better or more familiar to us. Perhaps a similar Simpsons episode, or a Daily Show or Colbert Report we may have missed. I think a vote was called three times during the viewing of I Love You, Man. Of course, by the third we were about two thirds of the way through the damn movie, so we decided to keep marching to the end. For what that's worth. Over 'n out.

**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Alex(ander) Payne

Awright! Time for Tyler Perry's House of Alexander Payne! You know, sometimes directors, or writer/directors especially, stake out certain geographical areas of the country. The Coens have Minnesota, sort of. The Farrellys have Rhode Island. John Hughes had Chicago. M. Night Shyamalan has Philadelphia. Barry Levinson has Baltimore. Scorsese and Woody Allen have New York. I know I'm leaving some out, but you get the idea.
Anyway, so what does that leave? Middle America. That's where Alexander Payne comes in. Born in Omaha, Nebraska in 1961, he tries to leave phoney-baloney L.A. behind as often as he can and bring a little dirty movie money to his cash-strapped state, and filming the stories of Nebraska. Like his Nebraska trilogy: Citizen Ruth, Election and About Schmidt.
But, like Cameron Crowe's love affair with Seattle, all good things have to eventually come to an end. And like Jerry Maguire, Payne scored a critical and a modest financial success with Sideways. Yes, combining his love of wine with his experience working on the late-night cable fare, a series called Inside Out, Payne & company were showered with Oscar noms left and right for this Seinfeld-esque bawdy romp through wine country... somewhere in California. But just like Gods and Monsters, the statuette ended up going to directorial management, as opposed to rewarding the labour of the actors and... producers and directors involved.
--
So, how about it? What is Payne's favorite decade of his career? Was it the 80s, where the fall of disco gave way to the rise of MTV, hair metal, and Sally Cruikshank-esque stylistics in all forms of art? Or was it the 90s, with its ... whatever the hell the 90s was about? The rise of Michael Kuhn and independent cinema? The uneasy blending of hippie culture and multinational business conglomerates? Or maybe the 2000s, when every film makes some kind of veiled reference to the Iraq War? If I had to guess, I'd say the 2000s, when all that hard work paid off with the screenwriting Oscar for Sideways. Even though Payne doesn't seem like that kind of guy, so obsessed with the now. He'd probably say the 90s, when the critical acclaim first started rolling in, and he could lay claim to 'discovering' Reese Witherspoon.
--
So, what does the future hold for Mr. Payne? Well, with an arrondissement of Paris, je t'aime under his belt, these are clearly the emeritus years, when film students will flock to his side, asking about the old days. And he's heading back into TV territory with something called Hung... oh, right. HBO. I guess they wouldn't have something like that on NBC... yet. Maybe Will Arnett's working on such a thing. Plus, there's that successful producing career, no doubt funded by the success of Sideways. And, like P.T. Anderson, he ventured into Adam Sandler territory with that whole Chuck and Larry thing... how soon they forget. Even after that delightful comedy, America STILL hates gay marriage. Oh, but he's far from out of the silver screen game. He's got something coming up called... Fork in the Road. Er, I hate to play second baseman driving in the back seat like an albatross, but... Jim Kouf's already got A Fork in the Road coming up.
And I'm pretty sure he's got the right of way. Oh, with National Treasure 2 on the resumé? Definitely. Not that you're not a treasure as well, Payne... Payne's also got his biopic coming up. David Strathairn is going to play Alexander Payne. And I gotta go...

Summer's winding down...

...but the heat wave's coming back! For some reason the news didn't seem to have much about massive numbers of heat-wave related deaths. See? The new administration's not all bad. Yeah, I know, I'm just trying to get lots of angry mobbers to flock to my site. Nope! This ain't where it's at... but I know a hot trend when I see one, and this Usain Bolt's got legs! Plus, that Michael Johnson guy's kinda plateau'd. I'm going to call it here and now: Stephen Colbert's going to claim Usain Bolt for the USA. I mean, it's right there in his name! USAin!
¶ Anyway, on to less pressing news. I gotta keep it short as my workload's picking up again. Or I'll keep it long but not do a second draft... Oh, it's an exciting new crop to be sure. Four debuts this week, and I've already got a new entry to add to my year-end round-up of one-weekers! A Perfect Getaway! No, I highly doubt it's coming back, as it didn't opt for the indie release strategy like (500) Days of Summer did. No, Twohy just had to hedge his bets and assume dumping it into 3000 theaters immediately would be the smart play. But don't worry. He bounces back better than even Michael Cimino. Having a high profile movie like A Perfect Getaway totally bomb at the box office is not going to slow down Mr. Twohy, no sir. Not this time, anyway.
But let's get back to this week's crop. At #1, kinduva shock to me, it's District 9. I think I played that video game once. And look! Why, it's rising through the IMDb Top 250 ranks faster than Memento! Must be the cast and crew voting for it. Hmmm. GI Joe holds the green zone strong at #2. And The Time Traveler's Wife finds an audience in third place. Well, you gotta hand it to that Jennifer Garner! She puts da butts in da seats.... it's not her? Oh, right. Rachel McAdams. Damn Canucks. Her interview on The Daily Show was kinda awkward. Guess she's not used to the whole talk show racquet.
At #4, it's Julie & Julia. Oh, I tell you, it's falling faster than one of those cakes that The Three Stooges make. Remember? They fill it up with gas like it's a tire and... ah, skip it. Now all the critics are just nitpicking this like crazy, like ants at a picnic. Oh, the Julia Child part of the movie was good, now if they could just cut out that whole Julie Powell part. Oh, Amy Adams is as capable an actress as any and her characters are USUALLY likable but... Where's the loyalty, guys? Where's the sense of civic pride? Can you curb your jealousy for just three seconds? Sure, this Julie Powell's annoying and grating and narcissistic... and she's as American as a ten pound helping of apple pie. I know, Colbert and Maher have used that one. Or they'll say, it's as American as a piece of apple pie inside a gallon drum of vanilla ice cream, on top of a pizza hamburger... YGTI. No, it fits right in to a long tradition of movie quests inspired by someone else, like Donnie Brasco clinging to the mob or the pupil in Apt Pupil or that kid in A Bronx Tale that ended up going to prison... Mentoring! In the computer age. Or maybe it's just that Julie Powell's nothing less than the female Hemingway: "...To catch a fish, to kill a bull, to chop up a big mountain of onions, to drop a chicken on the floor and pout about it, kicking the floor with your heels, to make love to a man... in short, to LIVE." Thank God for the Simpsons! If you take out the websites that don't reference that episode where Martin Prince does a Hemingway impression, you only get four sites that use that line.
And rounding out the top 5, those little rat bastards of the G-Force. Where's that trap?
---
As for the rest, oh, I just get so depressed. Contemplating the lower half of the list. Well, we got two debuts: the much advertised The Goods. It's the curse of Dave Chappelle: the director is Neal Brennan, Dave's old whitey writing partner. Apparently they're never going to work again, like, for ever and ever. Guys! If Eddie Murphy and John Landis can patch things up... well, maybe that's a little unfair to Landis. Meanwhile, Paramount Vantage is going to have to shut down for a while... a LONG while. I think they broke the bank on this one. As for Harry Potter... only five weeks on the top 10 so far? And ALREADY at #7? Oh... so depressing. The only thing close to that for me would have to be Saturday Night Live, as in, something I tried to watch as a kid growing up, going to school. I was just getting out of high school when The Simpsons started up. I can't imagine what it would be like to watch The Simpsons in the fourth grade, then watch it through high school. And maybe that's for the best. Same with Harry Potter. But there will be whole legions of kids out there who've grown up with the series, both physically and mentally. Why, they're already saying the first two were strictly for the young-uns. Well, shyeah! And they made the most money, too! Plus, kids have very small attention spans these days... what was I saying? Oh, right. Something called Ponyo debuts at #9. I think I smell a Best Animated Feature Oscar winner! Well, if Disney can't make a non-Pixar winner, they'll buy one, damn it. Over 'n out.

Oh, great... Just what we need: another review of 300

Have you ever thought to yourself, you know, I liked The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, but somehow the big battle sequences just weren't manly enough? Well, has Hollywood got just the movie just for you! That's right, it's 300! And besides, LOTR:ROTK was SO three years ago. (Assume you're reading this the week of 300's release... I'm not too late, am I?) And I would frankly be derelict in my duty if I didn't point out that it's based on the battle of Thermopylae (480 B.C.). If you're able to figure out the 'loosely' part, you're probably not going to enjoy this movie. Fair warning.

And that's pretty much the thick of the plot. Some backstory, basic character development, yada yada. Besides, you know how the real story can ruin things like this!

Now, you're probably going to read a lot of other reviews of this movie, and they're going to talk about EXTREME faithfulness to graphic novels, and emphasis on legend over history or character development, or even great dialogue, and all manner of nitpicky junk like that. Well, I don't know about any of that kind of stuff, but I do know this: for myself, it's more about the ending of an era: the VCR era. Some of you out there may be old enough to remember such an era. Say you're watching something like O Brother Where Art Thou on an old VCR tape and you get to that part where the cow gets hit by the old timey police car? Now, how many of you out there saw that in the theater and thought to yourself, oh, that's the scene I'm jumping to when this comes out on video? Yeah, me too. Or how about that one scene with Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Why, you've never heard tell of the video store legends of the old videotapes snapping apart at that very scene? Then you simply haven't lived, my friend. You just can't BUY that kind of publicity! At least not anymore, not in the digital era. Ever heard of a YouTube video wearing down from overplay? Of course not. Don't be silly.

And yet, I didn't like Be Kind Rewind. What can I say? I'm a mass of contradictions that way.

Oh, but it's not just us in the dark, plopped down in front of TVs. No, Hollywood wants to get right to the good parts and speed things up as well. Take, for example, the practice of cutting out every 30th frame just to add a few more commercials. There's also the speeding up of dolly shots that are just too damn long. That's usually done in cable commercials just to jam in more movies to their montages. And a whooshing sound is thrown in... and usually the same one, too! Why, I remember as though it were yesterday when they did that to Hannibal's big first reveal in Silence of the Lambs: I was just too enthralled to be furious about it. But anyway, now that we're knee-deep in the DVD era, where rewinding a DVD just pales in comparison to rewinding a VCR tape, we get the post-Matrix era stylistics that people like Zack Snyder will now be trafficking in forever and ever, amen. Watch this with Watchmen and you'll see: slow-motion bits of glass flying as windows are punched out, slow-motion drops of blood with each new goring and slicing. A quote on the DVD cover says it's as groundbreaking as the Matrix, yet somehow the camera doesn't move as sweepingly here. And of course, the Onion's got the best quip about how the scenes look like they were filmed on a green-screen sound stage about 5 feet by 5 feet. And it's true! Somehow, LOTR made the canvas seem bigger. Partly because SOME OF THEM WERE. 300 was produced in part by a studio called Virtual Studios. Take my advice, guys: get outside once in a while! Don't stay inside the Virtual Studio all the time! Even Zemeckis can still get a sense of depth! Learn from him or something!

Why, I haven't even gotten to the plot yet! Maybe I'm just not manly enough, or maybe I've just kind of outgrown all this rah-rah Army Corps stuff, which 300 trafficks in in spades! It doesn't last forever, youngsters. And while 300 is as un-immune to the current Presidential politics of the moment as the next movie, it at least tries to make things fair and balanced in the other direction. Either you're a manly Spartan soldier, ready to march off to war to die for your beloved Sparta, or you're an evil, corrupt, moribund, LIBERAL member of some ugly, old council saying no, probably just for the sake of saying no. And there's NO MIDDLE GROUND, of course. Of course, they didn't have middle ground back then. Unless you're part of that other army that tried to help out the Spartans... I can't remember already. Were they Athenians? The thing is, America may be Sparta, but Iraq was no Persia, and Saddam was no Xerxes. Guess I better stop there and let the healing begin. Actually, it seems like most other critics didn't think it worth it to point any of that out, so maybe I'm just crazy after all! ...no, wait. The Guardian bears me out: "...the idea of America having the Spartans' underdog status is not plausible." Thank you! ...I guess they're the only ones, and arguably they're just doing it to stick it to the Iranians. Yes, the USA back then apparently had a plan for seven wars total, but we're lazy and could only handle that whole Iraq thing. And to a much lesser extent, Afghanistan. See? Empire's tough! Really tough. Must be one of those jobs Americans don't wanna do. But now that Obama's in office, well, soldiers' lives have become valuable once again.

And speaking of The Return of the King, the Persian army's got battle elephants, too, but for those who thought the elephants were treated far too humanely in LOTR should find this very satisfying indeed. And then a battle rhino. No sense of wonder, Spartans? I know, I know. There I go again. And of course, they've got larger-than-life humans, and some with crab claws for hands! Well, things were bigger back then. Take dinosaurs, for example... ah, skip it. Point is, for me 300 can't claim more variety than Return of the King, but they sure seem to try!

As for the actors. Well, Faramir makes a fine narrator and an okay part of the cast. And I THOUGHT that dude that looks like Lance Henriksen was in this! You may remember him best as Elaine's controlling psychiatrist on Seinfeld. Zack must like that guy or something. What's up with that beard, dude? Get that guy a tall Lincoln hat! And Gerard Butler does a fine job as King Leonidas... but I confess to my shame that I couldn't help but wonder what Tom Green would've done with the part. And he could've bulked up for it, you know! Oh yeah! He's a skateboarder! I mean, you GOTTA be in shape to do that! The Guardian notes that there's an homage to Gladiator, with a similar walk in a field of wheat. I caught that as well, but just as quickly forgot. And he does have a few moments of well-done levity: first, when he takes his 300 "bodyguards" out for a stroll, and second, when he's eating that apple. As for Lena Headey, ... oy. What HAPPENED to you, girlfriend? You were so good in Ripley's Game! I fear you're going to become the next Catherine Hicks. I also remembered her as the kinda bland love interest / Amazonian warrior in The Brothers Grimm. I know, Heaven forfend. But HERE! As Queen Gorgo, well, I couldn't help but think of that line that Maureen Dowd said about women today getting in touch with their "inner slut." Yeah, that's right. Well, maybe it's just me, but some of the scenes here would fit right in on Cinemax. Or so I'm told. Especially Headey's and Butler's big love scene before heading off to war. Somehow it didn't seem to be terribly historical lovemaking to me, but I guess some things never change. And in a complete non-sequitur, I coulda sworn that was Richard Brake as Quasimodo, but I guess not. No, bigger fish for him to fry, it seems. Oh yeah, and Headey gets to stab a guy here. Cool.

And the music: somehow hard rock seemed inappropriate to me, but I could sorta dig it. Yeah, I could get used to watching the slaughter of ancient soldiers while the Metallica is cranked up, what the hell. However, the usual orchestral fanfare ultimately ends the day, but I think the end credits get back to a'rockin'. My advice: don't watch the end credits on your video iPod. Too small.

This is another picture produced by this fascinating new studio called Legendary Pictures, which also produced the new Superman movie and The Dark Knight. Somehow, 300 is not legendary like THOSE pictures. More like Beerfest and Observe and Report legendary.

**
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Haven't I suffered enough? Mr. Accident

Let's face it. Sometimes movies are like Big Macs: you don't have to see the whole thing to know what you're going to get. If it's an Adam Sandler movie, can you even doubt that a bully's going to beat up on Sandler's character? Or Nick Swardson? Or that Rob Schneider's going to show up at some point? If it's a Zack Snyder picture, can you even doubt that the film will slow down so we can enjoy the stabbings all the more? If it's a Stanley Kubrick pic, can you even doubt there will be dramatic xylophone music? You get the idea.
Or sometimes, you'll just barely miss the opening credits. Why, I can't tell you how many times I came in on the same 15-minutes-into-the-movie mark with Big Trouble (2002). (technically, 2001 - the release date was pushed back because of... you guessed it! 9/11.) Or the time I and my viewing companions came in late on Them Thar Hills and we didn't realize that the... well, I don't want to give it away. The same goes with 2000's Mr. Accident: a Yahoo Serious joint. Arguably, it does sound like a Roberto Benigni vehicle. Actually, it sounds like the working title, but that's just me. I'm a jaded sophisticate that way. Why, that's not even his name! It's Crumpkin! Good comedy name. Like Marty McFly or Lincoln Hawk.
Now, of course, the jaded sophisticates over at The Onion compare this to a Farrelly Brothers vehicle. Oh, please. Maybe a '90s Farrelly vehicle, but now they've got Oscar pretensions: a little too heavy on the sob stuff, not enough of the gross-out stuff anymore. No, this is more like an Adam Sandler vehicle: not quite for the adults, but not quite something you'd want to have babysit your kids, either. A lot of sexual innuendos, a dash of decolletage, and of course there's the matter of the fat bottomed cop. SPOILERS! Normally, you wouldn't think to ask yourself in a film like this if you were eventually going to see that ass naked... or am I just that out of touch with modern cinema? No, of course not. Don't be silly.
Where was I? Oh yeah. The hipsters over at the Onion also said that Yahoo Serious (neé Greg Pead) is a Johnny Rotten look-alike, but I will come to Serious' defense here: Yahoo's more like Rotten's more handsome twin brother. With a 10% Rastafari haircut... Damn! TV time early. I gotta go, but let me just briefly add that the cascading garbage sequence is damn near a classic. Sometimes, a film has a gentleness of spirit that you're willing to cut it some slack. As for the bad guy, well, ya blew it, Yahoo! This was the perfect chance for you to play TWO parts: Yin and Yang. And dare I say his anxiety over turning 40 is YOUR anxiety, Mr. Serious? I mean, Mr. Accident? Boo-yah! Nailed it. I gotta go...

**1/2
-so sayeth The Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Kenny Ortega

Ah, NOW we're talking. Here's a perfect example of how Hollywood does occasionally reward a few people who keep their heads down to the grindstone, keep their damn mouths shut and just do the damn work. And while Kenny Ortega surely longs for the days of Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers and Busby Berkeley, he's nevertheless forced to embrace the new age while carrying on the traditions of old, inserting homages wherever and whenever he can. Why, to all the young people he's working with now, he might as well BE Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers! Both on some days. ¶ Born in the industry's backyard, he started off as a choreographer on such cinematic historical milestones as Xanadu, One from the Heart, and Shag (1989). But somehow, making dancers' lives miserable just wasn't enough, and directing seemed to be the next best step up for him. But he quickly learned to leave his R-rated ways behind and stick with the TV work he was getting. Doing TV work is pretty cool, incidentally: it's like watching dailies, except the whole world can watch 'em too!

But while he toiled in the TV directing sulfur mines, fate was about to intervene, and apparently an opportunity presented itself. And it was a big one, too: why, what self-respecting member of the DGA WOULDN'T want to take on an old fashioned movie musical? ...darn! The IMDb doesn't have any juicy gossip about all the directors that passed on Newsies before Ortega took it. Looks like just studio talking points. Well, it says Mike Finnell was one of the producers, so all I can assume is that Joe Dante must've dropped out. No, they lucked out with Ortega: not only does he direct, but he of course doubles here as ... yep! You guessed it! Choreographer! Boo-yah. He knows how the game is played. That's what killed Hornaday's career: he thought he'd never have to go back to the day job. But our man in Amsterdam knew better than that. And with the smashing success of Newsies under his dance belt, Kenny Ortega knew this was his big chance to write his own ticket. Would he take that Swing Kids gig after all? No, of course not. What are you, crazy? Not wanting to be typecast just yet, Ortega would expand his directorial horzions, if only a little, and go on to do some blatant holiday higgledy-piggledy called Hocus Pocus. And when even THAT didn't fool enough people into the theaters, it was back to TV work for him full time, and double time even. But I will say that Hocus Pocus still has, for my money, one of the best scenes of fingers getting severed by a manhole cover that gets run over by a car, like, maybe ever! Well, that and Old Yeller, of course.

And so, it's back to the TV work full time. Hard to say how those dynamics work in TV director hell. I mean, when you do a hit show, does it help or hurt your career? I mean, he didn't end up on E.R., but he did the next best thing: Chicago Hope. That's good, right? Ally McBeal? Oh, even better! Ortega was going strong in 2000 at the nifty age of 50. Most people are thinking about retirement by then, and their subsequent emeritus years, but ol' Kenny's just getting warmed up. And always ready with a Jack Lemmon-style birthday bash at his house, right? Who knows. And then, something called The XIX Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony came along. Sounds nice. Sounds like one of those Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat knock-offs. And suddenly, he was a veritable TV kingmaker, sticking with the Golden Girls... I mean, Gilmore Girls. And I'm sure a rabid fan of that show will tell you that Mr. Ortega directed some of the series' better episodes: back when the show was hip and fresh, and the cast and crew were lean and hungry and yearning for success, and the storylines weren't getting too weird. Yes, like the Simpsons, I'll concede that point.

From there, the gods at Disney must've been crazy, or maybe they saw something the rest of us didn't, and Ortega's slate was wiped clean once again. All this working with the young people was about to pay off some nice quarterly dividends, and he'd get to KEEP working with young people. Not young people like Larry Clark works with, mind you. Young people like The Cheetah Girls, and the cast of the high school musical High School Musical, eventually culminating in the spectacular box office performance of the theatrical release of High School Musical 3... I remember that! I remember it as though it were yesteryear. Oh, thank God I do these weekly box office reports! But he wasn't about to let success go to his head. No, he found the time in his newly packed schedule to do some pro bono work, in the form of the Michael Jackson Memorial which aired on July 7th of this year, thereby bringing closure to the non-stop news coverage of a grieving nation, and ushering in the non-stop news coverage of MJ conspiracy theories: is he dead? Is he alive? Where's the body? Was it ... MURDER?!!! ... I don't get it! Where's George Schlatter? I thought for sure he'd have a hand in this! ..I mean, the TV memorial, of course.

On the other hand, maybe it wasn't pro bono work at all! Why, look! Look what's apparently getting a theatrical release later this year. This Is It. ...that's the title of it, incidentally. Yes, now it seems like some kind of an awful ruse. The dead are still dead, man! What gives? No one's going to the re-release of The Wiz. What makes you think THIS is going to sell?

But then again, what do I know. It's just the jealousy talking, Ortega. Incidentally, in other exciting Ortega news, he's at last getting his revenge for being excluded from the original Footloose and inscribing his name forever into the book of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon with the 2010 Footloose reboot. Then again, does it still count if Bacon's not in the remake? Maybe Kev could play the crusty old dean this time. He is at that age, after all, even though he still looks quite boyish. Plus, he got screwed by Bernie Madoff so he could use the work. Anyway, we'll all be waiting patiently for that Footloose remake. Ironically, Kenny Loggins wants no part of it this time. Maybe HE could play the crusty old dean!