high quality meds... iqafrkltevfskrrdyblm

Egad... more tech malfunctions. On my end, not Blogger's of course. Why I haven't even begun to use my new Blogger / Google hybrid account yet! Now, would the new hybrid name be either Blogg-oogle or Google-logger? Sigh; always a new question on the horizon. Anyyway, let's get this one last mother out before the new box office totals come in in about 30 minutes. The way I see it, the big story is night at the museum vs. The Good shepherd: a pairing even e.e. cummings didn't see cumming. I mean, think about it: a 90-minute movie the whole family can enjoy, or an almost 3 hour movie that almost no one is going to enjoy, so you have to dump your kids off at the former for two showings. What's gonna win out at the box office? Hmm! That's a mystery even the current White House couldn't solve! But enough about the Iraq war, let's just dive right into the list as it still stands now.

At #10 it's ... let me call up the other window here. It's Happy Feet's last stand! Boy I bet Spielberg had a hand in this one now.
At #9 it's The Holiday, a take on Christmas that only Conde Nast could love. Yawn. Moving on...
Debuting at #8 it's McG's prestige pic, We are Marshall. And the box office says, we are not interested. But go figure, I'm gonna call it, Strathairn'll get the Oscar on this one. Eat that, Sayles and Clooney!
#7 brings us Dreamgirls. Everyone's talking about it, except Solange.
At #6 it's Eragon. This bird's got wings, I tells ya! Guess it needed a stronger web campaign.
Charlotte's Web hangs on at #5. Not pig enough.
And finally, at #4 it's The Good Shepherd. Why, even the CIA couldn't catapult this epic to #1, no matter what strings they pulled. I didn't realize Francis Ford had a hand in this til I saw it a couple weeks ago. I think he'll push for Oscar nods on this a little harder than Marie Antoinette this year. No offense.
At #3 it's Rocky Balboa and clearly this film is dividing a nation between all those people who don't care, and all those in the media declaring Rocky the last American hero, which obviously means Gen X is in serious, serious trouble.
Pursuit of Happy-ness, don't care. And I think I care about as much as Will does.
And finally at #1 it's NATM, as all the web kids out there are calling it. There's my argument, down with net neutrality. It was a fine experiment, but I'm sorry, the web should only be for the elites so they can maintain their dominance over society by being able to check stocks on CNN.com in one window and keeping an eye on their siblings on You-Tube in another.
Sorry if I seem a little negative this week, but as usual I'm in a rush what with all these new year preparations, and a little heartbroken that my portable storage devices let me down again. Been having bad luck with the 3 1/2 inch diskettes lately! You know how it is. But I'll be back in form with the next installment of ... Box Office Breakdown!

Kill Mel, Vol. 2

My mind is being blown too often these days. Wayne Newton, a transgender? Uploading whole human brains into computers? I can't even get my MyBook to work how I want it to. And now, a whole new version of Blogger to learn? Of course, the hot blogs get to go first. Oh, the title alone of my blog precludes me from ever being a Blog of Note, like Remember the Milk, Scobb's non-Blog or mySQL DBA. As with most all things, it's probably for the best.
Anyway, gotta wrap this mother out, or up. I'm tired. The bad kind of tired that seems to be a byproduct of the... well, after learning about The Singularity, I guess the Internet age is pretty primeval or primal, but that's where I'm at nonetheless. Anyway, sometimes after a hard day of work my body seems to have just enough strength to hit the bed before falling asleep, but usually I'm in a de-facto insomnia state where I feel like doing naught but lay in bed and fall asleep, but to little to no avail. So, might as well blog and get something done. Where were we? Oh yeah, the Top 5 this week, seeing as how in a couple hours a whole new top 10 starts, with some serious heavy hitters coming to the fold. So let's look at these lighter hitters we got now.
Clocking in at a lofty #5 it's The Holiday. I heard the radio ad for this movie, this Nancy Meyers movie. What, Charley Shyer's just chopped liver now? Well, after The Affair of the Necklace and Alfie, yeah, I would say so. After hearing Jack Black's dialogue, I guess I couldn't help but recall the Simpsons' homage to Cuckoo's Nest, where Barney visits Homer in the hospital, and after hearing Homer say "No! Beer bring pain!", Barney says "I hate to see him like this" and he proceeds to smother Homer with a pillow.
I'm just sayin'. :) Incidentally, it's a small Box Office world after all: because, you see, Nancy's also the director of What Women Want, starring Mel Gibson, whose Apocalypto ALSO took in 8.01 million this week! This battle kettle's boiling over, baby.

And checking in at the #4 pigeonhole, well, what more can we say about Happy Feet that already hasn't been said? Grab a pebble and wail, baby, this holiday turkey's got legs!

And finally, we get to some new entries this week. It's ... ta da! Another damn remake! Charlotte's Web. Why, Iwao Takamoto must be spinning in his grave with the other Hanna-Barbera guy that passed away recently. Rooby Dooby Doo!!!

Fangmeier! That's all I gotta say about the #2 entry this week, Aragorn. It's another Everybody Wants to Direct sob story about a guy, working his way up through the ILM chain of command, flirting dangerously with Digital Domain for a bintel brief, then back to ILM full-bore until finally he cashes in all his chips on a LOTR knock-off like this. Still, it all might work out. Maybe he can team up with Feige!

And finally... I am reminded of what Triumph the Insult Comic Dog once yelled at Will Smith passing by on the way to some awards show: "Where's DJ Jazzy Jeff? Doesn't he get to poop on movie screens once a year, too?" Evidently, not. But Biz Markie did have that cameo in Men in Black 2! But I digress. I guess that still doesn't help out the former, huh?
Where was I? Oh yeah, it's the follow up to that golf movie, the Ballad of... something. Jack Rose? Ah yes, The Legend of Bagger Vance, that's it. See, once I get that Singularity computer chip in my brain, and they have T-1 lines in the sky, we can eliminate all this needless rambling mambling pambling. The point being, his 2006 project, The Pursuit of Happy-Ness, kicked some major ass this week at the box office. Plot-wise, it seems to be some kind of Black Dilbert thing going on, something like that. It's a hopeful story, of course, but it seems to validate the corporate infrastructure a little too much for my taste. You know, the whole CEO thing, three days of vacation a year, Armani suits and Ferrari cars, living in the top floor of the building all your life, studying the public statements of Steve Case and trying to emulate them; he was awfully good, wasn't he? Whatever became of AOL's urbanization plan anyway? Even TimeWarner himself couldn't handle that one, I guess.

And with all that in mind, it is time to tuck this week's Box Office report into bed and kiss it goodnight. And good night to all of you, suckers! Hah hah hah.......

Kill Mel, Vol. 1

Gotta keep this short for many reasons, mainly because it's my bedtime. Actually, I guess that's the only reason, but also to mix things up a little bit. Also because I wanted to assemble an image with Will Smith on a dragon, but it's taking a bit longer than I expected. And furthermore I've gotten a request from one of my peeps! Well, indirectly, actually, but here it is. You know, the Looney Tunes people were like the Simpsons, putting a lot of subliminal or inside jokes in their cartoons. The Simpsons don't animate the name "Groening" a whole lot, unlike the Looney Tunes; their Groening equivalent. Here, for example, is a reference to Michael Maltese, and the obscure reference is to Filboid Studge. Google it yourself, you lazy bums!
Anyway, let's quickly gloss over 10 to 6 here, as it's too depressing to dwell on, frankly. At #10 it's Unaccompanied Minors about to wander into the video store desert to be lost on an obscure shelf for 40 years. At #9 it's The Nativity Scene, and they're employing a unique ad strategy here. Billy Graham is doing commercials saying "If you don't go to see The Nativity Scene, you're all GOING TO HELL, you cheapskate ingrates!"
Rounding out the Top 8 it's Casino Royale. C'mon, all you poker fans! Poker's still hot, isn't it?
Rounding out the lucky Seven it's Blood Diamond. Nah, can't think of a joke here. Sorry, Ngila!
And finally at #6 it's someone's beloved Mel Gibson and the Jolly Folly Factory! You know, there was an early TV spot featuring Mr. Mel himself, talking briefly about the movie. Say like a 30-minute HBO special squished into 15 seconds. Why not, after all Republicans are good at sound bytes, right? So anyway, Mr. Mel says "It's basically a picture about a guy trying to save his family." Same thing that Spielberg said about War of the Worlds, except the Mayans don't try to terraform anybody. While the poor performance of Apocalypto Now is surely not the Christmas present that Gibson was hoping for, me myself, I'm still hoping Santa brings me what I'm wishing for: the new Lego Apocalypto set, and Jesus willing, I'll be drawing and quartering my very own Lego Rudy Youngblood and Lego Bird Yellow Head under the Christmas tree next week! That is, unless you all want the terrorists to win.
Okay! That's about all the damage I can do in this half of the week. Stay tuned for part two sometime this week. Now my bedtime's really long gone. Oh well. I can catch up tomorrow... oh wait, no I can't. Sigh. :(

Auteur Watch: Ralph Bakshi / Cable 4Ever: Fritz the Cat for Kids (or, yeah! More like Not-So-Cool World! Tee hee hee...)

You know, every so often there's what I'll call a Movie Nirvana feeling that sets in, like when you watch Goodfellas over and over and over again often enough, so often in fact that, eventually, you start to hate the movie and think of the Henry Hill character as as hollow of a shell as, say, Jimmy Fallon in Gangs of New York. Something like that. Or maybe it's that I realize I could've spent that time multi-tasking somehow, like clipping coupons, I don't know. Then, there's another phenomenon that I'll call Movie Erosion, where there's a movie they show on cable over and over that you know in your heart and gut is a bad movie, but eventually you see enough of it, and you start to think to yourself, "You know, this isn't all that bad!" That's how it happens. At least, I'm sure that's what Dan Aykroyd's hoping for Nothing but Trouble. He's given up hope on Neighbors, at least. And My Stepmother is an Alien.

This phenomenon just might work on some for the movie Cool World. Not quite for me, although some of the animated backgrounds are nice. Bakshi does anime, that kind of thing. It's still just a fourth-rate Roger Rabbit that only a trade journal could love. It's like if you have a really creepy uncle who says "Aw, that Roger Rabbit is nothin'. Come on down to the basement and I'll show you my collection of vintage post-Nuclear War comic books. It's just as good." It's like if Kevin Smith made Roger Rabbit, only less Catholic. The film is really completely obsessed with sex, even more so than Bakshi's adaptation of Lord of the Rings. It's as if in Roger Rabbit, Jessica Rabbit got it on with Eddie Valiant, that kind of thing. Coonskin or Heavy Traffic for kids, in other words. I'm surprised it's rated PG-13; it should be at least upgraded to R. They've given it a TV-14 for cable, whatever that means. It's also a sickly nod to the Looney Tunes camp: the film ends with a nod to the "That's All, Folks" ending. I'll bet Arthur Davis got a smile out of it; this film is something he might've come up with if given the chance. The film is populated with unfamiliar faces, which might've been an asset in another film, but not here. I did kinda like that paranoid phone, though.

Another problem: there was very little budgeting for shading on the animated characters. In Roger Rabbit, when there was a scene in the dark, the cartoon characters were dark, too. Here they're almost always bright. Also, some of the animation is rather blatantly recycled, something not done in Roger Rabbit. Or probably the Looney Tunes movie, for that matter.

I'm too weary to do a comprehensive analysis of what percentage of the movie is strictly practical shots around Las Vegas, and which are on the Bakshi motion-capture stages of old. There's a couple New Generation voice-over geniuses in the cast, Charlie Adler and Maurice LaMarche who will undoubtedly defend Bakshi to the end, so I can't beat up on him too much here. As for the three live action leads, Gabriel Byrne looks like he's in hell, Brad Pitt looked like he was just happy to be his own handsome-ass self, and Kim Basinger turns in a nice performance in what can only be described as a fun exercise for an actress; I'll bet Byrne was kicking himself a little bit for falling for Ellen Barkin first, but 'nuff said; that's too personal a dig even for me. John A. Alonzo, ASC is burning in hell for this one. Well, this and Deuces Wild.

But because of Basinger's gratitude in her Oscar speech from 1998, Bakshi is finally on the mend with the upcoming feature, The Last Days of Coney Island, and even though the plot sounds a little generic (the main live-action characters in Cool World are named, what else? Only Frank and Jack, only the most common first names in bad movies), he's sure to have an Ace or two up his sleeve in the script department, just like Cool World's Magic Spike, that Movie Enigma that holds the world together, or rather, keeps it from falling apart, although I must confess I would've rather seen that happen in this movie. Might've been more interesting. And I'm sure Bakshi's finally learned the Biggest Showbiz / Film-making No-No of them all: It's impolite to pass the audience through the alimentary canal of a giant cartoon gorilla.

* 1/2
So sayeth the Movie Review Hooligan

The Miracle on the (Box Office) Highway

Have you noticed that no one ever says they want to go to Detroit? They always say they HAVE to go to Detroit. Is it just me, or did I overhear that correctly?

Well, the worst nightmare came true, didn't it? The Vestiges of Secularia on the hillside are continually being eroded away by the fire hoses held and sprayed by the Kingdom of Religi-slovakia. Some call this vindication for Mel Gibson, and I agree. He directs a #1 movie, and he didn't even have to star in it! For me, Lethal Weapon 5 will be the real test. Which is why we'll look at the cumulative totals first.
Coming in at the cumulative #1 it's Happy Feet which actually came in at #3 this week. Having banked a grand total of 138 million, Mad Max director George Miller surely has happy feet of his own, but I don't think they're running yet to Mad Max 4, still MIA from the IMDb where it once stood proud and tall, and pre-budgeted at 105 million Kangarouros, or whatever Australia's currency is now.
Next it's Casino Royale at #2, which came in at #4 this week. Okay, so it technically was never #1, and they had the dignity to not run the ads saying "It's the #1 Live-action Action flick this week!" If they wanted to, that's another story. It's still the most profitable movie Mr. Craig's been in yet, so suck it up.
#3 is the Santa Clause 3, which came in at #10. ...nope. No catty quips come to mind. I'm all out. ...wait! Thought of one. I don't think it'll pass Don Rickles' test; the next time he runs across Martin Short he can still say "One hit! That's all you need! One hit!"
#4: Déjà Vu at #7 this week. No catty quips here either. But I did get the accents over the vowels right, finally!
#5: deck the halls at #9. Still haven't seen it, but I'll never forget the sight of that sled flying over the interstate, lookin' all blurry as though they were Panning and Scanning on it. They weren't, because the rest of the screen stayed in place. Very strange. Well, that's digital video film for you!
#6: the nativity story at #8. Might've made more money if it was a direct-to-DVD release.
#7: someone's beloved Apocalypto, because it wouldn't have sold if it was called Mel Gibson's Touchy Feely Warm Fuzzies movie. Okay, Mr. Gibson, you're on the wagon again, but for me the real test of salesmanship will be Those who Trespass. If THAT's number one, then we've truly entered the Seventh Day Adventists Armageddon, people. Something about the next elected pope, and Ahnold Schwarzenegger turning California into a giant German embassy. Incidentally, what does that say about your religion if it depends on the outcome of another religion?
#8: the Holiday. Sorry, Pick of Destiny. Let the big horses drink from the trough first.
#9: Blood Diamond at #5. What a poor performance. How do you think this makes all the New York City DVD bootleggers feel? Back to anonymity with ye until ye hitch yer wagons to a more shooting of a star than this.
#10: Unaccompanied Minors at #6. Well, don't listen to the angry critics. It's time to bombard the airwaves with the Oscar ads. You know, John Williams conducting the Boston Pops in the background, the words 'For your consideration' in the corner, the name of the film in the lower-right, something dignified! The Oscar speeches. Strike while the iron's hot, my friends.

Well, that's about all the damage I can do right now! But the story's far from over. Why, Apocalypto's cumulative totals is rounded up to 15 million dollars! That's GREAT NEWS!

It's a nuculear kinda Box Office!

As some of you may have noticed, the Box Office totals tend to get re-adjusted a couple days after they're released. Why this is, I don't know. The battles are very contentious, I guess. So this week let's see how the totals changed over the course of the week, as a new way of looking at the old figures.

At #10 it's Van Wilder 2. It started out having 2.29 million at the box office, but later on ended up having 2.31 million. It gained a whole 0.02 million over the course of a week! Guess all the die-hard fans had class during the week. Or maybe they felt they needed to see the first movie, otherwise they might not understand all the obscure references to the first movie. And to think this was going to be a direct-to-video release! For shame! Right, D-Day?
Hanging tough at #9 it's STF as all the die-hard blogger fans abbreviate it. Its total was adjusted down from 3.4 million to a more precise 3.36 million. It lost my yearly salary! Oh, snap!!
At numero ocho, it's Turistas. (Sorry, that's all the Spanish I know.) At the start of the box office week it had 3.54 mill in the bag, but ended up having 3.58 mill later on. Man, that's some bad hostage negotiatin'.
At Lucky #7 we still got Borat to contend with. Adjusted down to $4.75 mil from $4.83 mil on Sunday, the movie has now made more than Kazakhstan and Tajikistan combined! Didn't see that one coming either, didja?
Santa Claus(e) 3 at #6 just seems like the biggest adjustment, but at this point in my analysis it's probably not. Dropping from 5.01 to 4.89 million it just might get a Christmas boost, just like they were hoping with The Polar Express.

Ah, finally, the Top 5. It feels good to be home again. Sorry, DeVito, your drunken tirade against President Numbnuts didn't help, he's still in office. And to punish you, we're dropping you down from 6.68 million to 6.65 million this week. But hey, it beats doing DVD audio commentary for The Van, am I right?
At #4 it's yet another chip in the Secular Stronghold on the Box Office for the past, oh, let's say 50 years or so. Yes, it's The Nativity Story, and it made a sterling 8.03 million on that glorious Sunday, but as the money-counters took off the rose-colored glasses and subtracted the proverbial 30 pieces of silver, it came to 7.85 million total. Not so heaven-sent, I guess. Incidentally, for all you math dweebs out there, that would mean that each of the 30 pieces of silver are worth $6,000 apiece. That's a lot of silver! And for once, I didn't mis-type it as sliver the first time out, before the spell-checker... actually, that's the kind of thing my not-so-smart spell checker wouldn't catch. It's not a Context Checker as well like the big guns have.
At #3 it's Deja Vu. Didn't I just say that? Starting off with 11 million, it was actually 10.9. Hmm! Kinda like how car dealers say this new luxury sedan is a steal at $49,999.99. I mean, c'mon! Just say it's 50 thousand, because it is. Well, with 8.2% tax it would be $54,099.98 - and that right there is a bonafide Second Shout Out to my fellow effete anti-social anti-people ZPG math nerd loners out there. Not to mention the luxury tax. I thought the Repubes took care of that!
Double sadly, it turns out that Casino Royale's Box Office take stayed the same throughout the week, solidly at 15.1 million, solidly at #2, still right there behind that prissy little bitch called Happy Feet, which was adjusted upward by a full half a million! That's the most yet. And that's probably how things are going to stay for a while, at least until Night at the Museum gets released. That thing's gonna clean up big!
At least Ben Stiller hopes so, I'm sure. Which brings us to the close of another blogging day. ...oh what the hell. I'm too tired to do the hyperlinks this week, but I'm also waiting for the Daily Show to come on so I can tape it. Got 35 more minutes or so. It takes about that long to do, anyway.

You Racist Cracker!

Which brings us to yet another contentious Box Office contest! We might as well celebrate the winners this time, as it is once again Happy Feet. Boy, they must've really pushed this on Fox News Kids Network or something. Having already crossed the 100 million dollar mark in its second week, is this not yet another vindication for March of the Penguins? The upcoming Farce of the Penguins hopes to put that genie back in that bottle. We shall see.
Meanwhile, CR is at #2 still, but it's almost made as much as Happy Feet. Kinda reminds me of the creative ad campaign behind Minority Report. The PG-13 audience must be hooked with different things, like Playstation 3, Motorola phones or the new Sony Unisex TV. Still can't figure that one out.
At #3 it's Déjà Vu, but for me the real stars aren't director Tony Scott or Denzel Washington, teaming up for the third time. No the real star here is the Elliot/Rossio juggernaut. Is it me or shouldn't they be busy proofreading PTC3 for typographical errors? Shame on you for pouring your hearts and souls into a small independent film in between giant Hollywood blockbusters. Shame!
At #4 it's Deck the Halls, and finally the trilogy is complete. Christmas with the Kranks, Surviving Christmas, and this. There's gotta be a way to package all three onto one Blu-Ray disc. Get on it, Wal-Mart!
Rounding off the top 5, it's Borat, or B:CLOAFMBGNOK as all those crazy bloggers abbreviate it these days. It's raked in a total of 109 million so far, or the Gross National Product of Kazakhstan! (drumroll) Didn't see that coming, didja huh? But it's garnered a more coveted honor than even that... and promptly lost it. It was in the IMDb top 250 for a while there. Guess it wasn't meant to last. Why, even Clerks fell in and out of favor with the Top 250 now and again, right? Clerks 2, not so much.
Alas, how things change from major to minor. Babel, Saw and The Queen have all departed from the bottom 5 of the list, but there are those who still cling on to the proverbial drapes with the cat claws of life only to slow their inevitable descent. At #6 it's (the) Santa Clause 3, and maybe it's just me but with 67 million in the box office bank I think it's doing pretty good! I'm sure there are some Hollywood execs who would disagree with that Market Research-less assessment, so prove me wrong, Hollywood! Hire me as a consultant.
Stranger than Fiction clocks in at Lucky Number Slevin this week. It's made less than Being John Malkovich and generating considerably less buzz, but hey. You knew this was an independent job when you took it, Ferrell, therefore it'll make independent money. More than that Ed Harris thing, right?
As for the rest of the Top 10, it's much too depressing to contemplate. The animated Grease is at #8, and Bobby debuts at #9. The audiences are too smart these days, and frankly, a little ungrateful! Guess they found out it's an Emilio Estevez joint. Oliver-Stone lite, if you will. How is Demi Moore supposed to land the part of the love interest in Austin Powers 4 now? HOW???
And finally, checking in at the Hotel #10, after 4 years of post-production it's Aronofsky's Junior effort, The Fountain. If this doesn't bust up his marriage, nothing will. You will be mine, Rachel Weisz... Oh yes. You will be mine. Damn voodoo doll! I'm not doing it right. Talk to y'all later. (:)

Íîâîãîäíÿÿ åëêà äëÿ ñàìûõ ìàëåíüêèõ

This just in: O.J. Simpson appointed Chairman on Domestic Violence by the White House.
Also, I've been told there's a correlation between the number of lobbyists and the number of earmarks over the years. Back in 1994, there was 1400 Republican lobbyists lobbying Congress, and there were 1400 earmarks. Today, there are 14000 lobbyists and 14000 earmarks! Must be Clinton's fault somehow.

Which brings us to this week's box office! I know Happy Feet's #1, but you gotta give it up for my man Daniel Craig. Lemme tell you something: Casino Royale's already doing so well, Mr. Craig's edging out Edward Norton for the lead in the hot new bio-pic, The Dana Carvey Story. I think Dana prefers Mr. Craig for the lead, anyway, but it's good old-fashioned competition the likes of which we haven't seen in a while.

But let's start at the bottom, eh what what? Just to keep it interesting for my large loyal fan base, right? ...... Anyway, The Queen's holding strong at #10. Not a bad performance in the American market. I mean, it's no Teaching Mrs. Tingle, but you can't have everything, right?! On the bright side, it's doing so well in England that Helen Mirren was voted by The Guardian to be the People's Queen. It's a British thing, but I don't think Taylor's too happy about it.

Coming in at #9 it's The Departed, still making its inevitable slide down the charts, but not before passing the 100 million mark; how cool is that? Finally! After all these years, Marty has a hit, and he'll finally get to make the kinds of films HE wants to make. ... As for L. DiCap, well, there's just no time to rest as Zwick's next Christmas release is due, and this time there's no LOTR installment to reckon with, sigh of relief. Bad news for Ngila; or was that Without a Paddle? I forget which. :)

At #8 it's Saw 3. You know, it won't be long before our culture is so de-sensitized to on-screen violence, that pretty soon there'll be a 'Saw' sitcom on TV, and a 'Saw' talk-show. All coming up tonight on the Saw Network, but first, it's National Geographic Bumfights.

Babel comes in at #7, and it's the latest project tangentially connected to the Soderbergh Rat Pack, which Cate Blanchett is now a part of thanks to The Good German; as long as she doesn't re-gift the Kate Hepburn accent work like in Zissou. But I digress; back to the triumph at hand. As the ads all say, it's a triumph for Inarritu ... better than his segment of 11"09'01? I think not. But, that's just me. ...What's the matter with you people? Don't you know we're at war? Do I need to remind you that 3000 people died on 7/11?

At #6, it's Flushed Away. Oh, what's Nicky gonna do now that DreamWorks is defunct? Back to the Chevron commercials, I suppose. Or is that for one of his chump understudies? How did Ricky Gervais get out of this one, that's what I wanna know?

Filling out the top 5, having made 10,000 more dollars than Flushed Away, it's Stranger than Fiction, the latest entry in the Mindf*** Movie Continuum, along with Being John Malkovich and John Tucker Must Die. Oh, why can't Marc Forster make the kinds of movies he used to make?

At #4 it's Santa Claus(e) 3 and finally! Marty has a hit, so Don Rickles will have to tell him something else next time he sees him. Also, looks like it's out of the Bottom 100 which is kinda nice. Just kinda. Is Cat in the Hat still there? ...it's not! I credit Paris Hilton with that one; and of course, as she'd say, "That's hot!" But you know what's not hot? Manos, the Hands of Fate. Still, it's so bad, it's worthy of being in the bottom 100, which in and of itself is pretty hot. The same can't be said for From Justin to Kelly, though.

At #3 it's Borat. And on my shoulder, it's... a mosquito bite? No whey!

But the top two slots of the Top 10 couldn't be more contentious. Someone demand a recount! It's the new Casino Royale. Why, even George Orwell couldn't of imagined this, even though in the world of Oceania they would re-film movies and things, and generally work round the clock to make Big Brother look impervious and strong and consistent, and responsible for all the good in the world, what little of it there was in 1984. Anyway, the Campbell / Meheux Industrial Complex pulls it off once again. (Except of course for Vertical Limit; Meheux is afraid of heights. And for that matter, so am I after that movie. And badly CGI'd condors. :) )

And yeah yeah, Happy Feet at #1. We know. I thought maybe Spielberg was behind this. Or Caroline Thompson. But no! It's the brainchild of Mad Max director George Miller. Well, I hope he realizes that while this is doing well, it shouldn't embolden him too much in regards to Mad Max 4, unless he casts Russell Crowe in the lead.

Gotta run. (:

The Seinfeld Curse strikes again!

And this time, it's not just taking down a new sitcom. No, it's turned slightly inward this time, or rather, more than slightly inward. Yes, we've all heard by now about Kramer's Comedy Club Meltdown. All the news stations are covering it, celebrities condemning it. What do I think? It was pretty bad. I didn't see the whole thing, but I know Kramer's not really a stand-up comedian (see Trial & Error) and as far as I can tell he's kind of a private guy in the Celebrity Cosmos. I'm shocked! I thought for sure his IMDb entry would have added this to his mini-bio by now! He went to Evergreen State College? Go Geoducks! Surely his Wikipedia entry ... oh yeah. Bill Bennett called, wants to exchange notes.
One of my co-workers today posed the question: "Will Seinfeld ever be the same?" Another of my co-workers piped up: "Yeah. It's a one-time thing: he was being heckled and he was just trying to get the guy to shut up." Alas, things are a little tougher on the rest of the Seinfeld cast these days. Or perhaps it's the way comedy in general is fated to go now that the Democrats are in power again, perchance to embolden the PC police once again. As Holden Caulfield says in "The Catcher in the Rye", you'll never be able to clean up all the "F*** You"s that people write on the walls. So too with the n-word. The stuff forever in the back drawers of the comedian's tool chest. Reminds me of a Chris Rock commentary on Weekend Update once, where he openly searched for the white people's n-word equivalent. I forget what he came up with, and can't find it online at the moment, but I think he and I would agree that 'cracker' just doesn't cut it. But we'll save that for another time. The point being, Finally! Michael Richards is back from obscurity, although probably not what he intended, but hey, he's still not as crazy as Mel Gibson, or the Borat frat boys. Borat frat boys? There's an anagram there someplace.

Just Mooved

Has it been so long? Dang! Not good. I think they're going to shut me down soon. Don't even have a photo this time! I'm here at Kinko's FedEx TacoBell because I recently moved, and my DSL service hasn't caught up with me yet. It may be my fault. And what can I say, Borat? Your hard work paid off big time. Maybe that Bruno movie will get greenlit yet.

Okay, they're giving me dirty looks now. Better order another taco. Bye 4 now! :)

Does hanging from the rafters make me look fat?

Which brings us to this week's Box Office Retort! At #10 it's The Marine. Don't worry, it's doing okay. It's doing better than we're doing in Iraq, anyway. In fact, it's made more money than the XFL! There's already a sequel in the works, something along the lines of Chuck Norris and his obsession with Panama in the 80s, but Dubya is very leary of any coverage, positive or otherwise, of Iraq. No surprise is good surprise to this guy, our Commander in Cheap.
And at #9, from the director of Darkness Falls comes the latest entry in the Texas Chainsaw franchise. I hope Tobe Hooper's getting some royalties out of this! Or is it just Jack Nicholson and Batman?
#8 brings us Marie Antoinette, the latest Sofia Coppola experience, although it sounds a bit like Moulin Rouge! meets ... I forget what it meets. Well, how about Deadfall, just to keep it in the family. Advance word has it that M.A. is as good as Francis' entry in New York Stories! Ouch!!!!!
Man of the Year hangs in there at #7. It's harder for a film to make an impact these days. It's hanging around longer than All the King's Men, anyway. Double ouch!!!!
At #6 it's The Grudge 2. Could be doing better, but not bad. Sam Raimi's promised to contribute any left-over profits to Dubya's campaign. He needs all he can get these days!
At the bottom of the top 5, it's Flicka. For the sake of all those people too tired or confused to say "Two tickets for 'My Friend Flicka', please!" Anyone seeing this movie, please, PLEASE do not get interested in Maria Bello's other work!!!
At #4, with the second highest total of the bunch (how sad is that?), it's Open Season! With graphics not as good as Over the Hedge, but with more staying power than Ashton's other entry this month, The Guardian (how much sadder is that?).
Debuting at #3 is Flags of our Fathers. It's come down to this, a movie about a photograph. Who needs a script at all? Like David Spade would say, I liked it the first time when it was called Saving Private Ryan!! I'm going to wait for the movie about that sailor kissing that one chick, or maybe a movie about that Betty Grable poster. Or the big-eyed National Geographic Afgahni chick. Yeah! Get on that, Rupert!
At #2, this Bud's for you, Marty! It's The Departed hanging in there, and I think it's made more than even Cape Fear! So you know what that means! Marty must really hate this movie. Time to stick it to all those ingrates who picketed TLTOC, or worse yet, DIDN'T picket Kundun!!
And finally, the big story this week, and it's The Prestige! How do account for this film's success? Personally, I think it's all the pervs out there who know they don't have a shot at my beloved S. Jo, but are planning in vain nonetheless. Watch out, babe! They're gonna gitcha someday. Anyway, The Prestige is the only other movie worth watching about magic. H. Jack was on Leno last night and explained the 3 steps of a magic trick, one of which is called the Prestige. I already forget the other two; the Explaining of the Trick, and the Trick itself, something like that. All I know is, I've got a beef with you, Mr. Nolan. Oh sure, you're on Cloud Nine after Batman 5, or whatever number it is. The point being... two points actually, 1) You're part of a franchise now, like Back to the Future or Matrix or Meatballs even. These days everyone involved goes off and does their own thing in-between sequels. They DON'T WORK TOGETHER AGAIN!!! Don't let yourselves get burned out! And 2) Their in-between-sequel projects AREN'T SUCCESSFUL! Take one or two of Keanu's projects in-between Matrix movies, for example. I rest my case. I know you're going to take my advice to heart. :)
Well, that's about all the damage I can do for now. See you all again next week? Anyone? (choking back tears...)

It's gonna be a good summah!

Or fall, rather, for Scorsese 'n company. I know Grudge 2 is the #1 story this week, but I couldn't get to last week soon enough. Also, I couldn't find a still with a red #2 on that chick's eyeball.
Anyway, it's been a long time coming between #1s. I believe it was either Cape Fear or Bringing Down the Dead that was the last time Mr. Scorsese had nabbed himself the elusive bonafide #1 spot in the Top 10. But he's got it again big time with The Departed! And how. Even though it's #2 this week, but it's still the winner for me. It's done so well, in fact, that Leo and Marty are already in talks for a Four-Peat. I don't know, Leo! Aren't you tired of Marty's Old-Man Stink?
Coming in at #3 it's Man of the Year with 12.3 million dollars, which covers the catering budget of the film so far. There's tweeters and twitters from people complaining that they were expecting a Robin Williams concert film. It's like when I saw Network recently and thought it was going to be all "I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore" moments. Although, time will tell if they're both in the same league. Personally, I think Barry's atoning for Wag the Dog with this one.
Open Season at #4, yawn. Someday soon a Pixar or Pixar-esque film will be in the Top 10 every week of the year! You heard it here first.
At #5, it's the horror entry of the week: another Texas Chainsaw sequel, or prequel, or whatever. I can't keep up. Michael Bay's going to use the proceeds to finish up Transformers.
At #6 it's The Marine, a joint venture between the Army and the WWE. I had no idea! They wanted Heath Ledger for the lead, but somehow he wasn't muscular enough. Oh well, their loss.
#7: The Guardian, Ashton's other entry. I haven't seen anything like it since Guess Who took on A Lot Like Love! Oh, was it worth selling your soul, Andrew Davis?
At #8 it's Employee of the Month, from the producers of Wedding Crashers. They must be disappointed in the overall total of this one. Not quite as high as Wedding Crashers, unfortunately. But it's doing better than Clerks 2, which advertised that it was the funniest movie since Wedding Crashers! Incidentally, speaking of sequels, Van Wilder 2? What, is it going straight to video?
#9 brings us One Night with the King, which I thought was either about Elvis or Burger King, but was way off on both counts. It's about the Biblical Esther, the Queen of Persia. They must've been running ads on Pat Robertson's network or something. I think I'd rather see The Work and the Glory! Sorry, Tiny...
Anyway, last but not least is #10 with Jackass number 2. It's made slightly more than the first one, if nothing else. Johnny Knox did pretty well in between the two, but the rest were trying to re-live the glory of the show the whole time, and so the sequel was made, but moron that later. I gotta get some sleep!!!!!

A Brief Shout-out to Genesis

Well, maybe I can take a couple moments in-between apartments to post of a fresh charging of Nostalgia Neurons, synapses, muons, axons, what have you. Is there any greater feeling in the world, when you get right down to it? I think not. For a single guy, anyway. Anyway, I've not kept up on the latest in pop music too well, but there was a time in the past when Genesis ruled MTV in the 80s. And I know Phil Collins has taken a beating in the public eye if only by falling out of it, but once upon a time he was surely one of the top 10 masters or so of pop music. The occasional straying from the formula is like nails on a blackboard, like "I wish it would rain down". Same thing with Harrison Ford. The way I see it, it's a unique musicological application of Newton's Third Law: for every action there is an equal or opposite reaction, as in, you might end up like Paul McCartney too if you had to go on the road and play "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" hundreds of times. Anyway, to keep it brief, I happened upon a DVD compilation of Genesis videos, and my favourites would have to be "Land of Confusion" (fig. 1), "I Can't Dance"... guess that's it. Oh yeah, "Invisible Touch" brought back some memories. Oh, I just hate having to see Mike Rutherford work so hard!
Also, check out "No Reply At All" and see Phil mess up the lip-synching, heh heh... :)

p.s. Dang! I completely forgot! Since politics in pop music is typically few and far in between, I must single out "Land of Confusion" (I heard a vocal from "Land of Confusion" on Air America Radio incorporated into a contemporary song [3/28/07 - and that song was Sly and the Family Stone's "War". Some people have way too much time on their hands... not just me for a change! :) ] ) and especially "Jesus He Knows Me", which is unfortunately even more timely than ever. Pat Robertson's diversified his portfolio so he apparently doesn't have to ask his viewing public directly for cash infusions. Boo beer, Hooray Slave Labor! (African diamond mines or otherwise)

And I thought open season was over...

Oh, Colbert will have a field day with this one. Gotta keep this short as I have a plane to catch. I'm off to Montana for a week of work! Who knew? Maybe I'll be able to post from there; I won't hold my breath but I won't take off my winter parka either. Toodles! :)

Box Office Yee-Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw!

Man! Where does the time go? I'm even behind on my Box Office reports, but you already knew that. :) But I'm going to rectify that right now, but quickly because I got to get to bed once again. But first of all let me give a shout out to the people of Miller Beer and their Man Law ad-campaign, which let me say right off the bat is, in my mind, the front runner for the 2006 Clio for Best Series. However, it's not all silver lining. They truncated Undercover Brother's Comedic Dissertation about hiding a beer inside "the crack of a turkey"! For shame, Miller Beer. George Gallo will hear about this!!

So let's examine the box office tally of Sept. 15-22, because the week before that was pretty anemic so we'll just skip it entirely. Not one film cracked the 10 million barrier that week! How weak. Anyway, at #10 it's Crank with Jason Statham. It made 2.68 million worth off of people who thought they were going to see the Crank Yankers movie. It's DOA on crack, or Crank, basically; think I'll wait for Italian Job 2 or The One 2.

At #9 it's Hollywoodland, the little independent movie about Hollywood that could, and it will, to the tune of 2.72 mill this week for a total of 10.5 overall! Man, the Weinsteins are having a bad year so far. Could this be the Oscar buzz that Diane Lane thought Under the Tuscan Sun was going to be?

Coming in at #8 it's LMS as the kids are dubbing it. Hanging on with extra fingernails and sliding down the curtain extra slow, it's this season's little "independent" movie that could. Eat that, Trust the Man!

#7 brings us The Illusionist. Haven't seen it yet, but I'm guessing Jessica Biel is about as good in it as Christina Ricci was in Sleepy Hollow. :)

Invincible lives up to its name at #6, although I'm sure the producers were hoping it'd be posting The Perfect Storm-esque numbers by now. Hell, even Four Brothers numbers would suffice.

Ah yes, the big news here, folks. #5 brings us the latest Zach Braff Top 10-worthy entry, The Last Kiss, but trust me, this isn't the last we'll see of ol' Zach, because he's finally broken the Fletch Won curse! Having languished under development with Kevin Smith and Jason Lee at the helm for years and years, coming on a decade now it seems like, the Scrubs director, ol' whats his name has finally broken the curse and given new life to the prequel of that now 22-year old movie. Part of the deal was that the duo get to make another prequel, Baby Fletch. There isn't a full fledged script yet, but they do have a killer scene: Baby Fletch leaps out of the womb like Alan Cumming onto a stage and, whereas 99% of babies merely cry and flail about, Baby Fletch utters his first joke: "Can I borrow your towel for a sec, Doc? My car just hit an amniocentesis..." The studio is currently trying to fight off Bob Clark who feels strongly about the project.

Speaking of prequels, at #4 it's Renny Harlin, still in his Exorcist prequel funk with The Covenant. Geez, what next? The Sermon on the Mount? The Book of Talents? The Book of Talents 2: Heavenly Dividends? Help me out here, Churchy...

At #3 it's Everyone's Hero, and I still feel the same about it: pretty mundane for a Pixar-ish non-direct-to-video theatrical release. You need a bigger idea like talking cars or a Simpsons-esque family of superheroes. Leave Babe Ruth alone already! I'm in that camp of baseball nuts that says it's just lucky he could hit home runs; I think he'd have trouble sprinting to first on a single. All due respect to Christopher Reeve...

#2 brings us De Palma's latest, The Black Dahlia, or as he calls it, Femme Fatale 2. But he's of course thinking L.A. Confidential 2 for the Oscars. Josh Hartnett was thinking Sin City 1 1/2. S. Jo was just glad to get away from Woody for a while. Fingers crossed: please let there be a split-screen moment! ..oh yeah, and Hilary Swank was all, what am I? Molded whitefish?

Sorry, dePalma, you've been in #1 territory before, but clearly you've been bested by Phil Joanou's triumphant return to the forefront of the DGA with The Rock's latest, Gridiron Gang. Actually, this may be a first for Mr. Joanou. Now, if only he directed Doom, that might've done something!

Okay, gotta wrap this up now, but tune in again soon, and until next time, always remember: you ARE somebody!

Short Reviews - September

Welp, if THIS doesn't get me into trouble, nothing will. Damn the critics, the naysayers who demand fact from their fiction - oh, it's going on the air, baby. (QT in charge of the airwaves?) Besides, we gotta get people interested in TV movies somehow, right? As for me, I'll wait for the special edition DVD with commentary. They should've released them on the same day. Me myself, I've lately fallen back in love with Ghostbusters, but there are other movies out there, aren't there? Let's pound out some quickie reviews...

Suckers - Which is what you are if you see this.

Accepted - AKA Mac Commercial Guy: The Motion Picture. I'm getting tired of asking the one guy about his weiner! Boy, some of my local newspaper brethren skewered this thing right: poor unfortunate middle-class white kids can't study enough to get into regular college, so they have to make one up. Incidentally, the Simpsons already beat them to the SAME funny college acronym punch. But the real sad story behind the scenes here is the saga of Steve Pink. After all that hard work working alongside John Cusack to climb the ladder up to Film Director. The Devil's bargain is of course that it be to direct a film like this. Ouch! What would D.V. DeVincentis say?

The Grave - Boy! Talk about ANWaR drilling!...

Applebee Duo vs. Snickers Guy - Which of the TV Commercial Troubadors will win?

Malcolm X - The best film Malcolm X never saw.

Lavagirl - I don't know. Looks pretty slick, but I think it needs another pass through Renderman.

Silverado - Jeff Goldblum as Travis Bickle.

Into the Night (aka Michelle Pfeiffer Naked: The Motion Picture) - Jeff Goldblum as Chevy Chase.

CrossOver - The phrase "killer app" is used all too often in the software world; if not, it'll be their legacy. Anyway, sometimes to separate yourself from the pack of basketball movies )Love and Basketball), you need a killer app, and a slam dunk while jumping over two motorcycles is definitely a killer app.

Santa Clause 3 - Martin Short as Jack Frost? The role of a lifetime?

Until the End of the World - I know recording dreams is the next frontier and a cool-sounding idea and all that... but I dunno.  I mean, what if my dad were to watch a DVD of one of my dreams?  Something new to critique!  "That's a terrible dream and here are twenty-five reasons why.  First of all, it's in black and white.  Who dreams in black and white?  And second, you seem to have abandonment issues.  Third, why are you always running away in your dreams?  And I mean, ALWAYS?  I'm sure it's not just the one dream that I've seen of course... by the way, I apologize for prying.  And why are you recording these things anyway?  What a waste!  Don't damage the machine!  Don't damage the machine like that!"

Foodfight: The Motion Picture. This is a movie called Foodfight, and it has a 65 million dollar budget. Try and understand, this is why the rest of the world hates America.

Andrew McCarthy religious movie "Heaven Must Wait" (Diggity's treasure, whatever...) - Watch this movie and Andrew McCarthy will make you believe in Jesus. Watch him in Mulholland Drive and you're going straight to Hell. Oh yeah, which reminds me...

Fresh Horses - Ben Stiller, baby! He has it, Sex Majik, Sex Majik... Everybody!.... No one remembers? Okay, skip it,

Hostage - One of the critics said of One Hour Photo - Okay, Robin. We get it. As I watched the opening scene of this, a hostage negotiator (Bruce Willis) is negotiating the release of a mother and her kid being held hostage by the husband. (spoiler alert) The husband shoots himself, the wife ends up dead, and Willis gets to the kid just before he dies. I couldn't help but think to myself: it was bleak, but could it be bleaker? Well, could it? Also, they of course use the old tried and true rule of BDAGIF, except this time it's a black woman cop. Again, her death could've been a little more gruesome. That's all of it I saw...

Happy Feet - Happy Feet. Kermit had 'em. Steve Martin had 'em. And now, Happy Feet has 'em. How Farce of the Penguins wishes it looked.

I hate to say it, but time to play casting director: Christian Hayden as John Mark Karr? Kinduva double bill with Shattered Glass... Just a thought. ;)

This Film Is Not Yet Rated - I don't know. I can't really get excited about this issue. But I would agree there's something wrong with the MPAA if all it takes is the extra-agressive advocate like Neil LaBute or Kevin Smith to circumvent the disastrous NC-17. At least Showgirls took its lumps, or Henry and June. Nothing lately.

The Marine - Happy Propaganda! That'll get those recruitment goals up. Makes Firestorm look like a classic.

School For Scoundrels - I dunno; doesn't look so sweet.

And finally, the pretty boy movie of the moment: Path to 9/11, or the best episode of CSI: Blame the Clinton Administration I've ever seen. Finally! The Right is ponying up some serious money for Propaganda. In your face, Celsius 411 or whatever... If nothing else, these boys have an excellent future in titles and segue shots. Am I right, techie casting agents? Well, while we're waiting for the Daily Show / Colbert Report Comedy Nexus to return and tear this thing a new one nice and proper like, let's face it folks. This is all-out war. War between Management (The Media Conglomerates) and Labor (Everyone else), and the former members of the Clinton Administration who are still alive to defend themselves, still alive to bring about a nice fat Libel suit. To appease the Gods they should show The Reagans; you know, just to balance things out. Meanwhile all our children are standing by on the sidelines thinking, "What a bunch of dorks." Hell, I'm thinking that too.

Screaming Uruk-hai Zonkers! It's the Motherf@¢#!&* Box Office Report

Dang! How quickly the time goes, and for that matter the money too. But I'm going to make it a point to get to it a little earlier this week... I'm not sure why. :)
Incidentally, speaking of things numberical, for those of you who be mathematically inclined, all the square numbers are debuts! 1 squared, 2 squared (4) and 3 squared (9). The rest? Same old crap. Let's dive in.
At 10 it's Barnyard, dropping from #6 last week, which means next week it'll be at #14, and ready to take its place alongside Antz and A Bug's Life. Is it just me, or does Andie MacDowell look a little bit animated in her own right, if ya know what I mean?
Debuting at #9 it's Idlewild. Not unique enough for this overcrowded movie meat market, apparently. Who wouldn't want to see the Blaxploitation version of Moulin Rouge!? Damn, it's hard for a musical pimp.
At #8 Step Up steps down from #4, almost double the position. Sure, it may seem like it's headed for obscurity, but just you wait until Step Up 2: The Step-Up-pening hits the Direct-to-Video market. Heads are gonna roll!
Dropping the biggest drop is Snakes on a Plane, crash-landing to #7 from the top slot last week. Oh, it's so lonely out there in the media; guess none of the anchors or pundits could get a story out of "Well, they sure expected it to do better than #7 the second week." Any attention is good attention these days... or is that publicity, I don't know which. Me myself, I'm still waiting for Formula 52!
#6: It's the little movie that could, Accepted. Sliding only one slot down this week, there were 6.34 million dollars worth of asses in seats who did indeed want to ask that one nerd in the hot dog costume about his weiner. March on to greatness, Accepted. March on. The MTV movie awards are a lock. For if not MTV, then surely the Blockbuster awards will shine down upon you.
Sliding two slots down to #5 this week it's World Trade Center: The Motion Picture. Also available in IMAX! Well, it should've been, anyway. It would've if Jean-Jacques Annaud made it! ...nuff said.
At #4 this week it's Beerfest. From the filmmaking fraternity that brought you Super Troopers, it's a new comedy even less conceptual than Club Dread. Or more conceptual? I thought it was less. Anyway, these days it's not a question of which bodily fluids are going into the beer, but rather how many gallons.
At #3 it's LMS, a rare case when a movie moves UP the charts, usually independent films that gain a little steam, and more theaters as the campaign marches on. For Mr. Carell, it's all just small potatoes until that Get Smart remake hits the silver screen, and hard. All part of Mel Brooks' second coming. Fingers crossed: Spaceballs prequel!
At #2 it's Will Ferrell's 2006 project: Ricky Bobby. Yawn. You know what this means, don't you? For Will Ferrell, 2007 will mean at least three bombs, and then 2008 it's the next McKay / Ferrell collaboration: their 40-year old virgin varietal.
And finally, at the top of the mountain this week, it's good ol' Marky Mark, Charlie Brown and his 2006 project: Invincible. And thank God! Another DP joins the already-swollen ranks of the DGA. Whoop-de-freakin'-doo. Look out, Peter Hyams: this Core bastard's on your ass! Originally intended for Dennis Quaid and to be directed by John Lee Hancock, they both dropped out due to scheduling conflicts, and besides! They're both tired of being too successful. Enter Marky Mark, and Mr. Core said "This is my big chance to be a bonafide A-List moovee director! Foreal!" And so, financial history was made this week, all those many painful re-writes and re-shoots later, and it was all worth it. If they had to do it all over again, they sure would. And you'd better too, for isn't that the only way to be?
Man, these take up too much time! And that's just the reading...

Peda Ling into China's future

Which means it's time for the Box Office Roundup, pardner!At #10 it's Pulse. Memo to Wes Craven: better hold off on your next pic for a while. Releasing it now will make Cursed look like a hit. Sorry, but girl you know it's true! People are tired of scary movies right now. Why, even Scary Movie 4 isn't doing so well on video! And believe me, I know, because I read about it in every issue of Variety for Non-Hollywood Insiders. The horror stocks are down, down, down, and everyone's saying "Ah, I won't go to see Pulse. I'm waiting for Saw 3. Yessir, that's going to be my Woodstock."

You know that we are living in a material world, and the Duff sisters are Material Girls. Still not doing as well as Lohan's 2006 bomb, but what do they care? They're off to a super-great college, right? We can wait!
p.s. You know, I hate to pit sister against sister, but I think Haylie's stock is rising. Oh sure, what's her face is good and all that... what is it? Jerry Maguire, that's it! It's a TV classic, but was Hilary in as sweet a movie as Napoleon Dynamite, I ask you? I think not. (IMHO :) )

At #8 it's Pirates 2. Well, the last accolade is finally... its! That's probably not grammatically correct, but the main thing is it made it to the 400 million dollar mark. Too bad; it still hasn't made a profit. Now it's time to sit back and wait for the Oscars to roll in... OTOH maybe there'll be an Oscar freeze like with LORT2: Two Towers, where the Academy decides they're going to sit on their thumbs until the last chapter is released.

Little Miss Sunshine, aka Untitled Yellow VW Bus Comedy, is charming the pants off the moviegoing public, at least the more spendthrifty ones. There's not so many of them, as it's only at #7 on the top 10 currently. Apparently the JonBenet resurrection has something to do with it, but they know better than to capitalize on that. At #6, Barnyard (the original party animals... Am I the only one who remembers?) is defying all odds as it nears the 50 million dollar mark. Oedekerk will rule again! Check out the special edition DVD where he role reverses that scene from Enter the Fist, replacing the cow he fights in that one with the Barnyard cow. Off-off Broadway cinematic magique extraordinairé!

Now to the prestige of the Top 5. Accepted debuts at #10. Eat it, Oedekerk! Oh yeah, you know the connection; if not, look it up. I can't believe it! On my beloved Daily Show tonight Lewis Black returns from a rather long hiatus to do Back in Black and Stewart didn't even say to go see him in this turkey! For shame, sir. For shame. Not to out-do the Daily Show superclan, but with that author fella, Frederick Lane, I would've opened with "Great cover, by the way."
Now I remember! Step Up is the SECOND movie this year sponsored by MySpace. Look out, MySpace, You Tube's on your ass!
At #3 is WTC, and basically it's Oliver Stone's Match Point, in which he abandons all previous auteur motifs and braves the wilds of a foreign land. For Woody, it's London, and for Stone it's New York. C'mon, Oliver! Where's the conspiracy theories? Where's the cameo as a college professor with a secret stash of weed? You're just getting soft and irrelevant, old man! Give back your Oscars now! Or at least give them to John Sayles.
At #2 it's Ricky Bobby, and I don't remember seeing an ad lately. They're getting risky! How else is it supposed t'clear the 200 million dollar mark? Oh, I forgot, he only counts to one (hundred million? :) )
And well, what can you say about Snakes on a Plane? With all this talk about how it didn't make as much as anticipated, I think the mainstream media's just jealous, because they're old, outdated, and have grown complacent, much like Oliver Stone earlier in the list. Face it, folks, you just can't sell a movie like you used to! It's the Internet's turn to take over. Oh, sure, they could've made it a PG movie so all the kids could come along, too, but no. They didn't sell out. And the people love it all the more.
But I think the real story here is behind the hype and the scenes, and it has to do with another shift in the new membership of the DGA. Seems they've taken from all other crafts lately: photographers, editors, choreography, and now the new trend is stuntmen. With this and the triumphant return of Steve Boyum to the director's chair, depending on how you look at it, the Stunt Men have taken control of the director's driver's seat amongst the National Image-makers. For surely, as we march further into this new century, is Hollywood not a raging battleground between the stunt men and the CGI animators trying in vain to replace them? Will either side back down? Will the stunt men eventually retire to behind a Mac and do shading work for Pixar? Will Snakes on a Plane director David Ellis not squander his new Auteur credentials and carefully choose his next project? I hope so, but I'm not holding my breath. :)

Hey, great blog, check out my Lower Your Monthly Mortgage Payments Blog

Which can only mean one thing: the Box Office report! It's a big week... well, not really. Kinda depressing week, actually. Nothing debuting very prominently, and things disappearing very quickly. The descent descending from 5 to 8, John Tucker gone. Dupree gone. Monster House going. And to my close friend's chagrin, My Super Ex-Girlfriend long long gone. Vaporized like the ... Little Miss Sunshine, I don't know. The TV spots have better special effects than the movie itself.
Meanwhile, I haven't been able to get to the theater in a while, but on my TV it's been a weekend of Mighty Acorn movies that makes me ask myself, where's the red hot poker for my eye? Or a guy to shoot me in the kneecaps with an automatic weapon. At least no one's cutting off my ears and noses... sorry, no movie link to one that tasteless, Rummy... But moron that later.
Let's start at the top this time. As they say in the ads, the streaking continues. Help me Tom Cruise, it's Talladega Nights at #1 again. And the official Oscar campaign has begun in earnest, by running the ads where Will Ferrell... I mean, Ricky Bobby, talks trash to Ali G about some movie, I assume a racing picture, either Cannonball Run 2 or that thing with James Garner, that won the Oscar for Best Picture ever made. I don't suppose the Red States have taken to Ali G yet, but it's worth a shot, which I've heard they've almost taken at Borat one time. The Borat movie's probably just going to play on the coast.

Meanwhile, if I were a Hollywood insider I'd know more about the unique ad campaign behind the surprise success of Step Up, but I'm not so I don't. Hey! That's catchy! Anyway, the point is that every once in a generation a movie like this comes along to tickle the date bone of the nation's teenagers, and for me that movie was Bring It On. Nuff said.

WTC movie: #3- so much for the Wednesday release tactic. Hey, at least they're not running the ads Oliver Stone originally wanted to run: "Either you watch this movie, or you're with the terrorists." Same thing happened to The Guys. Just a total marketing disaster.

#4 is Barnyard... the original party animals! They decided to drop the ... split infinitive, what the hell. Well, I'll give a shout out to Steve Oedekerk, graduate of the Jim Carrey school of comedy. I think I'll just wait for the all-thumbs version of Barnyard, thank you very much. Incidentally, when are you going to turn Smart Alex into a feature length picture?

Pulse debuts at #5. Boy! Who knew dead people were such cheapskates? They must've all gone to see Pirates 2 a second time. You're so close to 400 million! Hang in there, buddy!

Sliding coolly down the list is Miami Vice at #7. It's finally recouped its trailer budget, but it's all good. Superstar directors can't destroy their careers like they used to. Who wouldn't want to be in a film directed by Michael Mann and his Men?

Well, gotta wrap this up so let's end it with #9, the debut of Zoom. Sigh; guess no one wants to Zoom-a-Zoom-a-Zoom anymore. Probably for the best. But hey! It's doing better than Shaggy Dog, that's for sure. C'mon, people! Tim's branching out here! Don't just wait for his sequels: Santa Clause, Toy Story. And on that note, g'night! And get ready for a whole torrent of puffy old white men on TV screaming about all the terrorists they've caught, and the activist judges slowing them down. Next Geraldo. :)

Boo creepy homeless Director Guy; Hooray Beer! or Wednesday Release? Who do you think you are, Spider Man 3?

Which brings us to this week's horse race at the box office. What the heck, I'm feeling frisky so let's start with #1, and of course it's the one who spent the most on advertising. It's Anchorman 2! Seriously, though, the full title is of course Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Brought to you by the Hollywood wing of the Southern Poverty Law Center, and the Red State Outreach program. On my beloved Daily Show tonight they had Dale Earnhardt Jr. And of course this film was the elephant in the room that they judiciously didn't mention. What can you say? The man just loves to drive. Meanwhile, Will Ferrell just may very well be the new Adam Sandler, but I don't know. Is Will capable of making a film that's as great as, say, Big Daddy? As the ranks of the new wave of mega-successful Alpha-male SNL alums swells, we'll just have to wait and see. But there is one goal that yet eludes them, and Will refers to it in the latest round of commercials, not so subliminally - and Bill Murray almost did it. Oscars. They want Oscars. Not just about the money anymore.
Debuting at #2, with a paltry 8th highest cumulative total overall, it's Barnyard: The Original Party Animals. What? Are all the movie titles like this now? The colon is making a major comeback in movie titles these days. Anyways, clearly the Pixar Renaissance is in decline. Only #2? The thrill is gone, people!
And at #3 it's ... ANOTHER COLON!!! Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest. Or.. oops, guess the number 2 is only implied, it's not actually in the title. And it's almost broken the 400 million dollar barrier. My God! This is Lord of the Rings 3 territory! Incidentally, how does Everard Proudfoot get top billing on that? Most expensive looking 94 million dollar movie ever made, my friends!
Miami Vice slides to #4 with only 10.2 million, making it 5th overall box-office wise. The prestige ads are running now: as good as anything Michael Mann's done, that kind of thing. And now, to add insult to injury, William Friedkin's going to remake To Live and Die in L.A. Or turn it into a TV show, whatever salts the wound the most.
Ironically, The Descent debuts squarely in the middle of the Top 10, which will at least put it on the local news, but hopefully its descent down to obscurity won't be so quick.
JTMD, baby! A fixed point in the list, as it's #6 on the list and #6 cumulative-wise, but I still want a copy of that poster, dammit!
Number 7 and 8, blah blah blah, see #2.
At #9, hanging on by fingernails and broken noses it's the only rhyming title in the bunch, You Me and Dupree. Yessir, still hanging in there, and by a crazy numerical fluke it's got the 2nd biggest cumulative total right there somewhere far behind Pirates 2. You did it, baby! All of you.
And finally at #10, it's Robin Williams' latest dramatic masterpiece, The Night Listener, a film with one of the craziest backstories ever, something even James Frey couldn't have imagined. I don't know what more Robin needs to achieve as an actor these days; he already made us laugh in R.V. this year (now available on DVD, PSP and BluRay... Damn! And I thought just owning it on DVD was enough these days. Goodbye, bank account.) Another Oscar? Is that it? Apparently, Best Supporting Actor just doesn't have a good ring to it. Much too wordy. Well, we'll see who gets Best Actor first, him or Kevin Kline. Just to rub it in, Robin's going to do his own version of Life as a House. Well, me myself, I don't know what the advertising budget was for The Final Cut, but that one just may be Robin's most immaculate, comedy-free dramatic performance yet (and starring with Jesus, no less!), but without all the notoriety of Insomnia or that other one... One Hour Photo, that's right. C'mon, Romanek! Let's get cracking on that sophomore feature. Well, if all our lives are indeed recorded, let's fast forward to Robin's next HBO Comedy special. C'mon, Robin! Tear Dubya a new one! Someone's got to.
And that's it for this week's box office report. Hey, I got to it a little quicker than last week, right? :)