The Oscars, part 1

It's not exactly germaine to the impending awards show, but I'll try to emulate those Segue kings on TV out there. Although, I should warn you that I am planning on getting up on my high horse, or is that my heavy horse? As I was cataloguing some of my old VCR tapes, I came across a great exposé on VH-1 somewhere in between the Top 100 Greatest Make-Outs and the Top 100 Old Rock 'n Roll Octogenarians. It was about the Top 40 worst Heavy Metal Moments (of all time). Which just goes to show there's payola even on these things: Motley Crue was all over the list, and not just the Lee'Derson sex tape. I didn't have the whole show so I don't know if that Great White fire made it on the list; besides, in general, they were trying to keep things light, even though we all know that metalheads can be deadly serious, and typically are at all times when out in public view. Anyway, at number six was the bungled vote on Best Heavy Metal album. This was a new category at the time, 1987 if I remember correctly, and apparently the publicists didn't do a good job of swooping down on the ignorant electorate to point out who should have won, which, according to most on the show, was Metallica. They didn't have the clip on this special, but Metallica got their revenge next year when they won, and even said in their acceptance speech that they were just lucky that Jethro Tull didn't have an album that year. I'm a Tull-head myself, and yes, they're not heavy metal, but then again, what is? Is Metallica still? I don't know; they're getting on in years. Isn't heavy metal for the youth and not your dad? My own theory is that perhaps the people who voted for Tull thought it was finally a chance to vote for those guys who gave us Aqualung. Some say that's how it was with Jeremy Irons, for example - the Oscar electorate were really voting for Dead Ringers, as opposed to what he next won for: Reversal of Fortune. Sorry, Dersh, you're in Turow country, not Grisham country. But really, the larger issue is, and perhaps a better example: do you withdraw your name if you don't belong in the category? Does Marisa Tomei complain about her award? I really think she should have won for Oscar myself, but I'm in the minority on that one... there's a pun there someplace. Should Woody Allen give back his Annie Hall award for not showing up? Or did he eventually pick it up, I can't remember. Anyway, this is exactly the type of rambling that is so contrary to the Heavy Metal ethic that I'll stop.

Okay, I better hurry and wrap this up before my hard drive clicks to a stop again. Also, my Microsoft Internet browser has a new feature: when I close the window, the computer freezes for about exactly 20 seconds before things get back to normal. An untraceable Trojan horse perhaps? Or is my computer just moving too damn fast these days, so the private sector has to intervene to slow me down?

Anyway, let's start at the bottom of the list. Best Animated Feature: I'm predicting a Spirited Away-style scenario and go with Hauru no ugoku shiro, or doesn't the Academy care about the burgeoning foreign markets? For shame, Academy! For shame. Best Foreign Language film, I'm thinking the Academy wants to try to welcome Palestine into the fold and vote for Paradise Now, and stick it to the Weinsteins by not voting for Tsotsi at the same time. Two Israeli tanks with one stone! Oh, I had to go for it, sorry. Best Documentary: without Michael Moore leading the pack, we fall back on the old standard prediction rules: the best title always wins the Best Documentary, so that means the gold goes to Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room, and to A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin.

over n' out

Place Comment Here

In other news: Harry "Accidents Will Happen" Whittington's medical condition has been downgraded from James Cromwell to Harry Dean Stanton. That'll do, Har; that'll do.
Oh, there are big things on the horizon as usual, I just can't remember what they are. Well, of course there's MI3, which will be to P.S. Hoffman what Stealth was to Jamie Foxx; a nice chance to unwind after all that Oscar buzz! Eat it, SAT's. Uh-oh: J. J. Abrams? Guess what's his face, Joe Carnahan, didn't stick it out, who was formerly attached to direct. Guess he's gone the Darren Aronofsky Career Route, attached to a hundred projects that'll go nowhere. Oh, these hot young auteurs, how they all fade the same. Now, J.J. Abrams, he's the real deal Holyfield! He could be the next Tony Scott, one of those guys who's not afraid to make a couple bucks, am I right?
Well, the Starz free weekend (FreeKend?) is long gone, but at least I got my copy of The Terminator. Will history smile kindly on The Terminator? Maybe the sequels, if not James Cameron. Between Encore! and HBO, at least someone still loves ya, James. True Lies, baby!! At least you didn't have to come out in public and defend your Governor buddy, am I right? Spending the last couple years doing strictly documentary work, subliminally undoing his fiction work... I mean, Aliens? Abyss? What's the deal? Get it together, man! ... It looks as if he's sticking his toes back into the murky theatrical water with Battle Angel, which is a story about... guess what? A cyborg! What a stretch! And yet, after all his work with cyborgs, Albert Pyun toils in obscurity.
One last thing: P.B. Hall still getting work. Having to work without P.T. Anderson, how does he cope? He's got this new show, The Loop, which seemed PTA'ish, but sadly he's not involved. I'll tell you one thing, though: he'll never have quite a part as he did in mag-no-li-a, am I right people? You know the part I mean, all you fuddruckers out there...

Looking much better, Mr. Whittington!

We have obtained this exclusive photo from one of the staff at the Christi Spohn Hospital in Corpus Christi, Texas, and ...
Seriously, though, hasn't Mr. Cheney been through enough, people? He apologized! Isn't he immediately forgiven and shouldn't we all just immediately stop talking about this? Especially you, Mr. Whittington! Always with the yap-yap. Calling every third cousin on your cell going "Well, you thought YOU had a bad day..." In any event, as my good friend told me, it's a metaphor of how the Bush Administration handles things: they f--- it up, then lie about it. They and all their talking head buddies in a kind of celestial choir. There's really only one way out of this: Al Gore needs to get drunk, shoot somebody, so they can all say "Hang him! Hang him!!!"
Well, as for me, I'll be taking a break from the rat race for a couple days, but before I go, Failure to Launch? A Grandma's Boy clone already? Seriously, though, just to show you how beloved McConaughey is, the script was based on this one time he was at a premiere and he brought his mom, so it's like the story behind the script to In & Out, but without the gay. Or who knows, maybe McConaughey has a gay pal in the movie to accentuate his manliness. Or maybe it's a Brokeback Mountain kind of thing, but so far it's one of a kind. This one seems more like How to lose a guy in 10 days 2 - similar poster, too!
Okay, gotta go.

Stop! Or my Veep will Shoot

Well, soon enough the Daily Show / Colbert Report are gonna tear Cheney a new one... they better, anyway! I'm counting on it. "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were Dan Quayle!" Something like that.
Anyway, might as well take a look at the box office totals. Kinda sad when the top cumulative total (in the top 10) has only 66.6 million in the bag. OTOH it's Brokeback Mountain, and that's very respectable. Doing better than Hulk, anyway, heh heh... Well, the Panther's made its mark, an anemic #1. Oh well, c'est la guerre. Co-screenwriter Len Blum's resumé is kinda interesting, though. Following in close second place is this season's horror flick, FD3. I can't wait for the Valentine's Day ads, (see Saw 2's DVD release; and of course, coming soon: Saw 3) then go to see it on Valentine's Day and gawk at all the Goths in the audience.
Coming in at #3 is Curious George. What's happening to Will Ferrell? He's in his second year of NOT having a #1 hit. Not that it matters to me, I'm not in charge of such things. Besides, we'll always have our Paris: A Night at the Roxbury. At #4 is Firewall. Oh, Harrison, you're in the same boat as Will. Well, as long as IJ4 hits the jackpot, and how could it not? Maybe I'm too superstitious, but they should at least let Slocombe be a photography consultant on this one, even if it's only an honorary title.
When a Stranger Calls rounds out the top 5. Just found out it's a remake! Not as sexy a remake as, say, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, or as well known for that matter. If you're gonna have unknowns in a remake, it helps if the original film is well known. OTOH, they did have a strong ad campaign. Darkness Falls-strong!
As for 6 to 10, I'll keep it short. Sequels: BMH2 (already in the bottom 100! Cool!) U2, and the fairy tales Nanny McPhee and Hoodwinked, and ... nah, too easy.

Filliam H. Muffman

Why, a couple days ago you couldn't even find a hit on Yahoo! in regards to Filliam H. Muffman. Today there are twenty. The movement is growing! ...why, I haven't checked Lycos in years! Still no hits there, and no, I didn't mean "william h. huffman." Get with it, Lycos!
In a recent news blurb that I missed, Clooney doesn't expect to win any Oscars. That's the oldest trick in the book, folks! Hell, he's got three nominations, and he's not Martin Scorsese over here getting snubbed year in year out. OTOH, Brokeback Mountain did get eight nominations, almost as many as Titanic. The point being, the Oscars in general are leaning far, far to the left, embracing the truth and what not. I mean, where's the Lifetime Achievement Awards for Charlton Heston or Lionel Chetwynd? Or those guys who made Celsius 41.11?
For me, it always comes down to reading the vibe of the Oscar electorate. Last year the vibe was clearly with Clint Eastwood and his Million Dollar Baby. However, even the Vibe knew that awarding him for acting was going a little too far. The year before that, Lord of the Rings. I can't believe it! It slipped to #4 on the IMDb poll. Damn you, Shawshank! But it's not all a bed of roses, people. Take Bugsy, for example. Ten Oscar noms, won only two. The flesh eater guy had more Oscar appeal, who knew; or was it just because it made more money.
So the jury's still out on who Oscar likes this year. I guess Ebert is the old reliable barometer as far as these things go. Me myself, I just wonder how Spielberg really feels about being in the same category with that pipsqueak Clooney. But in the end, ceremonies like the Oscars just seem to slow these two prolific SOBs down. Who's got time to get all gussied up and go to some awards show? I've got four movies to direct!

Without Nail and I

Ah, good ol' Mary Stuart Masterson. Was she not the proverbial Tomboy of the '80s? This is a still from At Close Range, and on reflection it kinda doesn't do her justice. I get kind of a Brigitte Nielsen vibe from it now.
Anyway, big things are happening on Comedy Central. Harrison Ford on The Daily Show last night!! He really must be desperate with this whole Firewall thingie. Apparently he's the Top Dog in Hollywood, but still smarting after the anemic returns on Hollywood Homicide. Anybody got a copy of Water to Wine? Firewall was directed by Richard Loncraine (what? Was Peter Howitt unavailable?), and aspiring film directors take note! Where there's life there's hope. You hang around long enough after directing Sting in Brimstone & Treacle, you'll get that Band of Brothers gig.
Oh yeah! Freedomland is on the march. The trailers are nice but as it turns out, Joe Roth directed, so it's probably nothing special. I've been burned too many times, I'm sorry.
Besides, the big story this week is The Pink Panther. All of Hollywood is waiting with baited breath for this to be a #1 hit, but it runs a little deeper than that. Is Blake Edwards still timely? How long can he coast on just getting character credit in the WGA? How far can the Middle Age envelope be pushed by the likes of Steve Martin? Is not the role of Inspector Clouseau a young man's game? And can Beyonce do it all, or does even she have trouble selling a line like "I didn't kill him!"? Move over, Queen Latifah, you just been bitch-slapped by Beyoncé, girlfriend! And is Shawn Levy the new Frank Oz?
In the meantime, everyone's doing their part. Cartoon Network's Boomerang has a scattershot showing of many of those old Pink Panther cartoons, for those of you who haven't bought the 5 disc DVD collection. Shame on you if you haven't, by the way. And shame on them for not putting any of the other members of that extended family on there: the Inspector, Roland and Rattfink, Hoot Kloot, what have you.
Lastly, but not leastly, since the whole (media) world is still reeling from this whole James Frey thing. Kissing a Fool? I just hope the David Schwimmer character isn't modeled after Frey himself, but upon reflection it seems like it. I just hate the thought of Frey even attempting to do a stand-up comedy routine. Anyway, I think there's only one solution to the whole Million Little Pieces debacle waiting to be bourne into existence: we call it Adaptation 2 and get the two Kaufmans to try adapting it, but I think it's a scenario that would be too depressing, even for two people as narcissistic as the Kaufmans.

Back from being AWOL

Oh, big things a happenin' in the world of movies! Big things. Big things, big movies. Why, Curtis Hanson's latest is already on DVD! One of these days they'll have a simultaneous release on DVD and in theaters. Might be a good gimmick, they should've did it with Matrix 3, why not?
Just finished reading No Country for Old Men. Kinda feels good to read again; I get the feeling that Cormac McCarthy is a Coen brothers fan. I don't know; guess these days it's not so violent, but man, is it violent! Maybe if Spielberg made it they could avoid the NC-17 rating. Or Paul Verhoeven even.
Anyway, gotta keep this short. But today's picture is in honor of the release of the new 5-disc collection of Pink Panther cartoons. I guess they're all there, haven't double checked my sources yet. Sadly, the other Depatie Freleng productions, Misterjaw, Ant and Aardvark, Tijuana Toads to name a few, remain elusive, or at least not on DVD. Hopefully soon, but I guess they don't wield the star power that the Pink Panther alone does.
Okay, time to go. Bedtime.