The Oscars, part 1

It's not exactly germaine to the impending awards show, but I'll try to emulate those Segue kings on TV out there. Although, I should warn you that I am planning on getting up on my high horse, or is that my heavy horse? As I was cataloguing some of my old VCR tapes, I came across a great exposé on VH-1 somewhere in between the Top 100 Greatest Make-Outs and the Top 100 Old Rock 'n Roll Octogenarians. It was about the Top 40 worst Heavy Metal Moments (of all time). Which just goes to show there's payola even on these things: Motley Crue was all over the list, and not just the Lee'Derson sex tape. I didn't have the whole show so I don't know if that Great White fire made it on the list; besides, in general, they were trying to keep things light, even though we all know that metalheads can be deadly serious, and typically are at all times when out in public view. Anyway, at number six was the bungled vote on Best Heavy Metal album. This was a new category at the time, 1987 if I remember correctly, and apparently the publicists didn't do a good job of swooping down on the ignorant electorate to point out who should have won, which, according to most on the show, was Metallica. They didn't have the clip on this special, but Metallica got their revenge next year when they won, and even said in their acceptance speech that they were just lucky that Jethro Tull didn't have an album that year. I'm a Tull-head myself, and yes, they're not heavy metal, but then again, what is? Is Metallica still? I don't know; they're getting on in years. Isn't heavy metal for the youth and not your dad? My own theory is that perhaps the people who voted for Tull thought it was finally a chance to vote for those guys who gave us Aqualung. Some say that's how it was with Jeremy Irons, for example - the Oscar electorate were really voting for Dead Ringers, as opposed to what he next won for: Reversal of Fortune. Sorry, Dersh, you're in Turow country, not Grisham country. But really, the larger issue is, and perhaps a better example: do you withdraw your name if you don't belong in the category? Does Marisa Tomei complain about her award? I really think she should have won for Oscar myself, but I'm in the minority on that one... there's a pun there someplace. Should Woody Allen give back his Annie Hall award for not showing up? Or did he eventually pick it up, I can't remember. Anyway, this is exactly the type of rambling that is so contrary to the Heavy Metal ethic that I'll stop.

Okay, I better hurry and wrap this up before my hard drive clicks to a stop again. Also, my Microsoft Internet browser has a new feature: when I close the window, the computer freezes for about exactly 20 seconds before things get back to normal. An untraceable Trojan horse perhaps? Or is my computer just moving too damn fast these days, so the private sector has to intervene to slow me down?

Anyway, let's start at the bottom of the list. Best Animated Feature: I'm predicting a Spirited Away-style scenario and go with Hauru no ugoku shiro, or doesn't the Academy care about the burgeoning foreign markets? For shame, Academy! For shame. Best Foreign Language film, I'm thinking the Academy wants to try to welcome Palestine into the fold and vote for Paradise Now, and stick it to the Weinsteins by not voting for Tsotsi at the same time. Two Israeli tanks with one stone! Oh, I had to go for it, sorry. Best Documentary: without Michael Moore leading the pack, we fall back on the old standard prediction rules: the best title always wins the Best Documentary, so that means the gold goes to Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room, and to A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin.

over n' out