(Hollywood) Auteur Watch: Shankman v. Levy - Who kicks more ass?

I always get these two mixed up, so perhaps it's time to untangle their surprisingly similar resumés. Both Adam Shankman and Shawn Levy are children of the late 60s which no doubt influenced their worldviews. Both started out as actors and both have recently come into their own as directors with monster box office hits, Shankman with Bedtime Stories, and Levy with Night at the Museum and the upcoming Night at the Museum 2: Eclectic Boogaloo. But things weren't always easy for Shankman and Levy. Both had to crawl their way through a thousand auditions during the 80s and 90s, but all that hard work paid off and we are all the richer for their acting legacy. If you had to pick one role, and given the attention spans of people today you HAVE to pick just one, it would have to be Rockula, where Shankman played 'Driver'. For Levy, it has to be Terry in The Kiss. You know, that one where the woman gets run over by the car, and it turns out both her legs were cut off, but it looks like they weren't. Classic.  The kind of thing you'll never forget... until you see it again on a TV show later on.  But alas, the realm of actors were about to lose two of their prodigal sons, as the craft of directing was more alluring to them. For it is truly the more talented actors who actually make that leap across the chasm. Every actor always has it in the back of their minds, that nagging thought that says "Hey! I can direct these crappy movies better than the lame-o's who DO get to direct 'um..." But it's not the old days, and these boys aren't afraid to do the occasional TV job. Nay, the cineplex market place is a little crowded these days. And so, with their student films under their arms, Levy with Just in Time and Address Unknown, and Shankman with Cosmo's Tale, they jumped right in to the Hollywood Shark Tank. Levy hit the TV scene with a vengeance, directing the most loved episodes of such classic shows as "Animorphs", "The Secret World of Alex Mack" and "The Journey of Allen Strange."  Shankman bided his time and landed the directing job of a lifetime: The Wedding Planner, in which he had the Herculean task of directing Matthew McConaughey in a movie where he's not leaning up against the girl in the poster. WTF?! Finally at long last these two's paths would cross... the paths of these two would cross at St. Martin's point. Levy would get there first with Cheaper by the Dozen, but Shankman would be tapped for the sequel! And of course, Shankman would do Steve's Bulworth... So really, they both came to the aid of Steve at about the same time. Hard to say who he prefers. Needless to say, they've both had a taste of the big time, and unlike Antoine Fuqua, they knew what they had to do to stay on top of their game. Shankman stayed on top with such hits as The Pacifier and Hairspray 2007, and Levy would tap the talents of the Pacifier screenwriters for his PG-rated gold mine, Night at the Museum. What an incestuous family tree! I could go on and on like this, and really, couldn't we all, but I gotta get to my NordicTrack which eagerly awaits me, so to wrap this mother up, who does kick more ass? Well, they're both pretty evenly matched. They both act and direct, but Levy writes as well. On the other hand, Shankman's a choreographer, so he always has that to fall back upon. Plus, he's on top right now with Bedtime Stories, so clearly, the Shank kicks more ass. At least, until 2009, when Night at the Museum 2: Havana Nights comes out, and that's when the Shawn will kick more ass. So until then, enjoy 2009, Shank! From the Movie Hooligan.

(Editor's note: This blog post has been digitally remastered, and slightly edited... I know.  I can't believe it either.  But you know, hey, sometimes you re-read these things and think to yourself... or rather, I think to myself, Jeebus!  Where the f... heck did THAT come from?  This was done only because of its continued topical relevance, and not because it's the target of hackers trying to exploit the "us.imdb.com" weakness.  Incidentally, IMDb, you might do well to spend some of your profits on getting that back, by the way!  Just have it re-direct to good ol' "www.imdb.com."  You know, for old times' sake!)

The last Box Office of 2008 ... HEY! Stop strangling that kid!!!

I was about to say 'Poor Jen' again, but man! The dark side finally emerges. And the timing couldn't of been worse, with Marley & Me at #1 with the biggest take at the Christmas box office. Who knew? Shades of 1990 all over again? But at least Home Alone was a Christmas movie. What's Marley's Christmas message? Become a lame columnist by using the lemons your untrained dog turns into lemonade?
Speaking of which, Adam Sandler's Winter 2008 pic, Bedtime Stories, kicks 2nd place ass at #2 with about 9 million short of #1. I TOLD you you shoulda had Copy Guy in the movie with you! People just love him, and he makes you look better. Now if Adsy were doin' Marley & Me, there would be an obligatory cameo from Cesar Millan, begging for Adam's dog training secrets on the phone. Alas, it's not meant to be because Marley & Me's a TRUE story, not a bedtime story. Oh well. Nobody's perfect. We can't all be paid to daydream.
Meanwhile at #3 it's Chad Schmidt's Benjy Button. Well, Jen has won the box office battle, but I still think Brad's winning the war. Poor Jen. And as if all that's not enough backstory to this week's Box Office Slugfest, Tom Cruise's 2008 entry bobs up out of the water at #4. And I think we all know what that means! Time for Cruise to appear in Magnolia 2: Mackey's Back!
Rounding out the top 5 is yesterday's news, Yes Man. Face it, Emily: in the Hollywood SATs, you are to Meg Tilly what Zooey is to Jennifer.
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So we got FOUR newbies in the top 5. That's some kinda record! But fear not, for we have two newbies in the lower half of this week's top 10: Doubt & The Spirit. Oh, that's my only prediction for this week that turned out right: The Spirit at 4 or lower! And I totally missed the boat on the dog movie! ...Okay, that does it. I usually let these phony links lie, but I have to address this. I don't know who your agent is, Jim Belushi... Maybe you're your own agent at this point, but you never... NEVER do the direct to video sequel! Look at the Addams Family direct-to-video sequel. Did Anjelica Huston come back for that? HELL NO! ...on the other hand, Carel Struycken came back to reprise his role. Okay, never mind. I was wrong.
Over 'n out.

Auteur Watch - Howard Franklin

Now, I know that AntiTrust has gotten a bad rap lately, but I gotta say that having seen it on my kick-ass HD TV, I was entertained! I mean, let's look at the virtues, okay? Great cinematography, courtesy of Groundhog Day lensman John Bailey... that's good, right? Oh! I know who they were showing this for. See, my theory is that these cable companies, they pick films because perhaps they're influenced by the DGA to promote the films of the hot up and comers like Catherine Hardwicke, director of Twilight, and production designer here. Just a theory. Good name, too, like Max Power. That always helps. And Tim Robbins really nails it as a Bill Gates type. Remember, nerds! You gotta deliver for the big guy!
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As for the film's place in the video store pantheon, not to give any plot points away, but it was perfect preparation for Phillippe's later work in Breach, and a fine follow-up to Arlington Road for Robbins. One scene of Phillippe's that I thought was a little strange was his reaction to seeing videotape of one of his geek friends getting the sh... getting beat with a baseball bat. But, really, isn't that how you would want your friends to react?
The plot was a little on the goofy side, and it's probably for the best that scripter Franklin didn't direct it himself. Get back on that horse, Howard! I tried not to outguess the plot too much, and the love triangle had a nice twist to it. I will concede that when the arch bad guy hugs the one girl at the end, well... THAT was pretty Hollywood. Hollywood just doesn't understand computer geeks at all, even the evil ones. Except for Swordfish, right? Right, Maxim? Incidentally, if you had a chick spectrum with Angelina Jolie on one end and Cate Blanchett on the other, where would you put Claire Forlani?
What else? Guess that's about it. Believe me, there are worse ways one could spend two hours. Sometimes you tolerate a film's flaws, and the flaws here I could tolerate. And as for all you baby Bills out there, what can I say? It's all for loops and if thens to me. As for you future Steve Jobses, be kind to your Wozniaks, if only for yourself.

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-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Auteur Watch - Jiří Menzel

Well, I'll give you a little taste of how ignorant I am. Take Jirí Menzel, for example. Now, if you're like I used to be, you might ask yourself, "Who?" Or maybe you're a step up and stumbled accidentally on some buzz about a film called I Served the King of England (ISKE) So you take a look at his resumé and it's almost identical to James Ivory, except for the acting credits. But where's the Ismail Merchant Yang to his Yin? Or his Jhabvala to make a trinity? ...I'll let one of you figure those out on your own. Yep, they're out there! All kinds of people in the global film community toiling away in anonymity until they break through the surface like Woody Allen with Match Point. But where's Jiri's Scarlett Johansson to... ah, skip it. There I go again. ...hmm! Just watched the trailer. Here we go again with Hitler and WWII. Looks like the kind of film Miramax used to make. I hear Rob Schneider just bought the remake rights. Kewl!

Gimme Seven Pounds, gimme Seven Pounds Mister, and you'll never see me at the movies again...

Once again the Multiplex's colon gets flushed, and a buncha newbies enter the scene! Even the headlines are flyin' about it: "Will Smith's Streak Ends," some wise-ass informs us. Of course, the aforementioned Seven Pounds, it's not quite as blatant Oscar-bait as Jamie Foxx's upcoming The Soloist, but still. And besides! Will already had his big Fourth of July hit for the year. Can't a brother get some respect for two films in one year? One megahit, one indie drama... financed by Sony?
But this week's nothing compared to the slug-fest coming Christmas weekend. Looks like a lot of peoples' streaks are gonna end: Tom Cruise, Adam Sandler, Brad Pitt... Of course, their streaks haven't been as good lately as the Fresh Prince's. They could all use a little Box Office Flomax. Sorry, had to go for it. But let's survey this week's damage quickly before we get stricken with Second-Hand Suck.
In a squeaker, Jim Carrey earns back Yes Man's ad budget at #1 with 18.4 million or so (final results pending). The Brits top our charts again with Seven Pounds at #2, and the French close behind with Despereaux at #3. Tres magnifique! (Did I get the accents right?)
Meanwhile, the remnants of meals past lingers on, as DESS leads the chunk at #4, with our old pals Four Xmases, Twilight and Bolt trailing close behind. But what's this? Beating out Wolverine and Bond is the indie scene! It's Danny Boyle's Slumdog Millionaire! A darling of critics and the indie audiences, it sells out and joins the élite of the Top 10, just like Little Miss Sunshine and many others I'm forgetting. But, c'mon, Danny! First Millions, now Slumdog Millionaire... what next? The Warren Buffett Story? Puh-leeze! Keep your daemons hidden, will ya? Besides, the way the world ecomony's going, a billion's not going to be enough.
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Guess that's about it for this week. Besides, gotta save up for next week. That's when the real fun begins! Here's how I hope it turns out: Benji Button at #1, Hitler second, Sandler third, and the Spirit fourth, if that. Why only third for Sandler? Because Rob Schneider's not in this one! Oh, this must be the prestige pic, the second makeup Oscar, huh? Copy Guy's not good enough for this one, huh, Adsy? I gotta go...

Auteur Watch - Olivier Megaton

Now normally I would reserve this spot for the likes of the hot young director of the #1 movie this week, but somehow the far more interesting story is that of the abovementioned, whose Transporter 3 has been hanging in there by fingernails lo these far too many weeks. Behold the power of Statham. Which reminds me, we just got Snatch on DVD. Of course, that was pre-Karate Statham, so it's like a whole different bird. All together!!
So what gives, anyway? Much like the Species series or the Alien series before it, each Transporter movie in the series has a different director! ...what other series of note? What the heck, the Jaws series; half sci-fi. But it's the writers that tie the respective movies in each series together. In the instant case, it's Robert Mark Kamen, writer of such hits as The Karate Kid 3 and Lethal Weapon 3... okay, so the Oscars have apparently left him to languish by the wayside. As it turns out, that Ph.D. is paying off, because this guy's the American emissary of ... TA-DA!!! Luc Besson! The Stephen J. Cannell of France. Okay, that was below the belt. But how does one classify ol' Luc? Part Tarantino, part Spielberg, all filmmaker. Of course, even Spielberg doesn't have as many puppet directors as Besson for all the B-List projects he's producing. And Luc's entering into Zemeckis Mo-Cap territory with all these Arthur and the Invisibles trilogy crap. Who do you think you are? The Wachowskis? He must have a secret brother director. Besides Kamen.
But Olivier, he's got a plan to distinguish himself from the likes of Leterrier and Nahon and Krawczyk and Pires and Corey Yuen and Bonvoisin and the countless others, I can only assume. Well, ol' Olivier's got a plan all right. I still can't figure out what it is, but I think it has something to do with working with other people named Olivier. Like Angie co-writer Olivier Bocquet! Or Exit editor Olivier Mauffroy! C'mon now. There's gotta be one more here... Or how about La Sirène Rouge sound syncer Olivier Chatron? Or how about special effects makeup artist Pierre Olivier Persin? ...yeah, but it's close enough. I guess his plan is to borrow the cars of these people, find their checkbooks in the glove, and write a few checks. What the hell. Beats going back to graffiti, eh? I gotta get some sleep...

If the shoe fits...

Oh, man! Look at the President and his cat-like reflexes! This is the kind of thing he should be doing for a living, calling out insults from a dunk tank. Instead, there he is in Iraq for one last brief, spontaneous un-planned surprise visit. You know, they say having shoes thrown at you is a great insult in Iraq. And yes, I had the same reaction to that news as you: they're obviously far, far too civilized. If only we had illegally invaded a country where the ultimate insult is having fresh human feces thrown at you. Now, so far no one believes me, but I still firmly believe that if I were Dubya right now, just having had shoes thrown at me for the whole world to see, I'd HAVE to go back to Iraq to get it right. I mean, Iraq's his whole legacy! How is it going to look in the grand scheme of things on TV, with the liberal media constantly showing those same shoes getting thrown at me? That would just be bugging the hell out of me, as much as a splinter under a fingernail. I thought Iraq and I were friends!
Oh, but enough about him. About 30 days left and he'll physically be gone, even though the trail of destruction he's left behind will linger for years and years. Fortunately, the weekly business of tallying the Top 10 movies at the box office continues unabated! And as expected, the #1 this week is the big Keanu Reeves sci-fi special effects spectacle, Matrix 4. Also known as the remake of the 1951 sci-fi classic, The Day the Earth Stood Still. I'm waiting for them to remake the more campy 50s sci-fi classics like Them! or Attack of the 50 Ft. Woman. Get on it, Carpenter! Meantime, we'll just have to make do.

As for the rest of the second bests, well, it's really just the usual lot of stereotypical Christmas and/or Holiday movies. There's the stereotypical Christmas comedy, the stereotypical vampire-based chick flick, the stereotypical Pixar wannabe, albeit a little better than they usually are, the stereotypical James Michener - Louis L'Amour Out of Africa but with a different country sprawling epic, the stereotypical Bond pic... oh, wait, it's an actual Bond pic... Dinner time! Sorry, gotta go.

Auteur Watch - John Patrick Shanley

Now, who's that handsome lookin' bastid? Is it Bill Pullman? Ed Begley's more handsome, less eco-conscious brother? Perhaps it's Kevin Kline getting ready to portray another President or British journalist? Well, you'd be dead wrong, my friend! Because it's JPS: John Patrick Shanley, Master of the Carpe Diem Arts, and like Bob Shaye he's rising once every seventeen years to direct a movie! This time it's Doubt, based on HIS play which he got the Pulitzer for! Eat that, Mamet! And yet, how does it get fast-tracked and Art languishes on the stage? Where's the justice? Personally, I would've done another movie before I went right to the big Pulitzer-prize winning play. You could learn a thing or two from Tyler, Johnny! Gotta make 'em wait a little bit. Gotta parcel that sh... stuff out. And I gotta go!

Is this the same week?

I mean, seriously? Let's see, Four Christmases STILL at #1. Twilight STILL at #2. Bolt at #3 for THREE weeks in a row! I think they're running that ad. "Go see Bolt! The #3 movie for three weeks in a row." Kewl.

Oop. So much for that theory. Australia castles with Quantum of Solace and they switch. So it's a little different. Maddy 2 STILL at sixth, and Tranny 3 STILL at seventh as they say at Variety. Meanwhile, Role Models slips two places to #10, but it's still the strongest showing for a David Wain movie. He must be the Trey Parker of Stella. That's a good thing, right?

Okay, it's not all the same. Just mostly the same. We got two newbies: Punisher 2, and Dreamgirls 2. Or is it Grace of my Heart 2? Five Heartbeats 2? Soul Men 2? Telling Lies in America 2?? 2 many choices, I say! I gotta go. Biz-ee week 4 me. Speaking of which, I think I finally figured out why the word Numbers is now Numb3rs, and Thir13en Ghosts is misspelled. It's these bloody password requirements! Gotta be at least one number and one punctuation mark. The computer nerds triumph again! In a completely petty, arbitrary way! Hooray!

Auteur Watch - Michael Hoffman

Oh, who to profile next? Too many to choose from, and I have no requests, so why not Michael Hoffman? He's an old hand at this by now, even though his career's pretty much skated along under the radar. But even so, he falls under the spell of my Decade theory. The 80s may be his favourite, starting off a young whippersnapper, acting alongside the likes of Hugh Grant. There's other directors like him that had to struggle along with the independent, Merchant-Ivory-esque fare in the 80s but they came into their own in the 90s. For me, it was Soapdish that did it. Fun movie. Also, the proving ground where he would collaborate with Robert Downey Jr. for Restoration, and Kevin Kline with a couple others. So surely the 90s is his favorite decade career-wise, if only because Clooney still fondly recalls One Fine Day.
The 2000s, not so much. Oh sure, it's the era when indie film festival buzz has some sashay, but what good is it if no one sees the damn movie, like Game 6? But this decade may not yet be a total wash, for Hoffman's poised! Poised, I say, to make a triumphant return to the box office AND the Oscars with... The Last Samurai. I mean, The Last Station Agent. No, wrong again. I mean, The Last Emperor? Mohican? The Last Boy Scout? The Last Action Hero? The Last of the Red Hot Livers? Red-Hot Dragons? The Last American Virgin? Man, I can't seem to type it out, but I'll get it. The main thing is, it's in good company. As long as that loser from the movie Wanted doesn't act like a total primadonna, thinking he can direct it himself.

Short Reviews - Nov. '08

Slow month. Helluva Thanksgiving dinner, though!
I wonder if those Classmates.com people ever regret releasing their likenesses to this enterprise. Okay, enough stalling, let's dive into it.

The Tale of Despereaux - Might be good! Wonder what the kids think? It's for them, really. Me, that mouse kinda creeps me out. I mean, I got past the ears, but then we get into the nostrils and the human-like eyes. So unreal. Don't mice have red beady eyes? I'm a-feared that Despereaux may be a human-animal hybrid.

Arthur et les Minimoys sequels... one, two, oh, they're comin', folks! Avec une vengeance, ah? Who does he think he is, Harry Potter?

Lethal Weapon 5 - This is a joke, right?

Ghostbusters 3 - A remake of the first Ghostbusters. This is a joke, right?

X Files #The Field where I cried... I mean, Died - No, I was the one doin' the cryin'... Oh, I get it. It's like that episode of MASH where Alan Alda does all that crying. Any way we can give this episode a belated Emmy AND Oscar? As for Kristen Cloke, you think something like her performance would've sent her into the stratosphere. At least Glen & James remember'dja!

Everybody Wins - A lot like The Field Where I Cried, as near as I can tell...

Drop Dead Fred - Still goin'!

Freddy's Dead - Not dead enough.

Fred Claus - No sequel yet?

The Jerk - Classic

The Jerk Theory - Classic theory.

Platoon - Classic

Platoon Leader - Classic title, anyway.

Behind Enemy Lines - One film that the National Film Preservation Foundation is gonna let go...

"Twenty Good Years" - 13 bad episodes...

The Getaway (1972) - Kinda slow. Oh, I just can't believe Peckinpah directed that. He sold out, man!

Tropic Thunder - We couldn't finish it somehow. Don't know why. The fake commercials were good and all. Guess that was the best part.

Bad Medicine - Wow! Only one GERMAN review? Get on that, Onion A.V. Club! It can't be all scheisse!

Lower Learning - Dream coming true, Corddry?

Mikey - Far as I know, it's the only movie featuring the rugged Black Angus Restaurant guy. ...Man! Can't find everything on the web!...

Benjy Button - Where's the ad campaign, guys? Or did you already blow all your money like Howard Dean?

Well, guess I better get to bed. The cat's sneezing in front of my door.

Gimme 4 Xmases, gimme 4 Xmases, Mister, and you'll see me forever more!

I KNEW those numbers were too good to be true! Why, I don't think I've ever seen the top 7 movies rake in so much money. Maybe the economy's not doing so bad after all. Well, we got one, two, three, count 'em four newbies on the charts, so guess we'd better get started!
At #1 it's the latest Vince Vaughn vehicle. It doesn't really matter what it's about, does it? Man, we just watched the Larry Sanders episode with him. Oh, he was so young and thin! And he's come a long way from the blurry, independent pictures that Hank Kingsley so derided. It's kinduva scary job, but Vince is up for it. "No! No 'up', for whatever 'it' that there may be 'is'-ing..." Sound familiar?
Back at #2 where it belongs, thanks to the recount, it's Bolt. Of course, #1 is always better, but they can always run the ads that say #1 Comedy in America... #1 Animated Comedy in America, that is. #1 Animated Comedy without Vince Vaughn. Oscar, please?
At #3, Twilight. Oh, never mind the critics, girls! It's the new Titanic, but without all that boring cliché obligatory period piece crap. Although dresses back then were much nicer, don'tcha think?
At #4, Quantum of Solace. Okay, maybe it's not the best Bond ever, but it's gotta be one of the priciest. Why, some internet genius did the complex math, crunched the numbers, and figured out that this latest Bond outing cost almost as much as all the Roger Moore Bond movies combined! That is, if you don't count all that little stuff like wig adhesive and denture polish.
And finally, at #5. Oh, way down there, Baz. Way down. Well, this isn't 1996 with Romeo + Juliet, nor is it 2001 with Moulin Rouge! I haven't actually seen that one, so I won't bash it like all the ingrates who've actually seen it have. Face it! Sometimes you gotta be the hero. You paved the way for Chicago to win Best Picture 2002! Single-picturedly, or something.
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What was I talking about? Oh yeah, 6 to 10. Ugh. Always a bad area to debut in. Especially T3: The Transporter-bot. I mean, Luc Besson's Transporter 3. Well, at least we haven't seen rampant Taxi sequels yet. But that's coming, I'm sure. Am I the only one who likes Jimmy Fallon? Hey, maybe he can do a movie about that stoner character he does, you know, the guy with dreadlocks and his fat friend Gobi? Too much like Wayne's World? Or too little? So many questions, so few answers. Besides the fact that it hasn't happened yet.
What else? Well, we got the prestige pic Milk. Oh, doesn't Sean Penn have enough accolades? Or Gus Van? Well, maybe this is Gus's big year. It wasn't with Elephant, lamentably. Or Gerry, or... well, we could go on and on, but we do wish him well. It'll either be this, or W. maybe that gets Oscar'd to death. Either way, Brolin wins. That's the main thing. And that's about all I got energy for right now! 'night.

Auteur Watch - Peter Chelsom

Oh, it's a sad, sad story, indeed. The saddest part is the ending, so we had better start from scratch.
It all began for us lazy Americans with a li'l film called Hear My Song. Any film student can tell you, it's the debut of Mr. Chelsom, despite Treacle and all. No, every director secretly wants a film like Hear My Song that makes everybody happy. The critics are happy, the distributors are happy, the people are happy. Even the ticket buyers are happy! Because anyone could be. I never saw it myself, but I did see his sophomore effort, Funny Bones. Kind of a Local Hero as a stand-up comic kind of thing. Not as autobiographical as the first, but that's okay. It was all tied in to this whole Jerry Lewis cinematic resurgence, the likes of which was seen just a decade before, but just hasn't been seen since.
It was at that point that Chelsea took the advice his manager gave him from the start: "Drop the screenwriting, stick to directing." Soon after came The Mighty, one of the five films that was to end Sharon Stone's career... at least, for a while. So, it looks like the 90s will have to be Chelsom's favorite decade, because then came Town & Country, and Serendipity, two films that have never been recommended to me. On the other hand, I don't have that many friends, so maybe it's just bad statistics. This would surely be the most expensive phase of Mr. Chelsom's career, with T&C STILL clocking in at 90 million dollars, and Serendipity, well, after 9/11, I guess we just weren't ready to believe in instantly falling in love. Maybe if they remake it.
Then we got Shall We Dance? What is it? Chick flick? Dance flick? Who knew? Part of the Japanese remake Renaissance. That still doesn't explain much. But even that's nothing compared to what's on the horizon for us as well as for Peter Chelsom... A Hannah Montana movie? First of all, didn't we suffer enough already this year? Second, how? How in the h... eck did you land that job? What, was Kenny Ortega too busy? What, was Walt Becker pouting in the corner after someone mentioned Van Wilder? I don't have the time to dwell further on this, but I tell you what. I'll be a generous guy and give you the benefit of the doubt, Pete. But the second you do a film with Larry the Cable Guy, boom! Out of the Auteur club you go.

Oh, Girls of Trūe, will you marry me?

Because of the new Bond movie, I had to read about the Bond Girls and their proud tradition, despite what Garth Brooks thinks. Then again, how about those Trūe Girls, huh? Do they live up to Maxim's high standards of quality or what? Or are they just under the radar enough that you might actually think you're going to meet someone like them by logging into that website? Suck on that, eHarmony and match! Oh, well. See, that's what I get for using Yahoo! mail. Oh, but I've said too much already. Let's dig into this week's Box Office.
Might as well start at #1. Man, I thought for sure Bolt might pull out a first place finish. Nope, only Pixar can pull that off. Everything old is older again. No, the tweens and teens carried the day with Twilight, the latest spin on vampires. I mean, what if your boyfriend is a vampire? He's not Jewish, is he? But he does have that stand-offish Eastern Bloc vibe about him. ...oh, never mind. He's British. And apparently he's done what even Harry Potter himself hasn't done yet: be in ANOTHER box office blockbuster! Surely this opening justifies a Twilight 2? But we'll get into that next week, I'm sure.
Meanwhile, for now, Bond 22: Qo'S hangs tough at #2, but will probably slip to 3 after the recount, trading places with Bolt. That's the kind of thing Disney would want to pull... or maybe Travolta will suddenly feel the urge to buy a half million dollars worth of tickets? That would do it!
At #4, the Disney/Pixar vs. Dreamworks/PDI gangsta rap battle rages on with Madagascar 2: I like to Move It Move It, this week's top cume with 137 million IN DA HOUSE BANK. I wonder if the studio was considering a direct to video release like with Toy Story 2? Hmmm! And rounding out the top 5, far surpassing even the filmmaker's expectations, it's Role Models. Sorry, Wain, but the Baxter still thinks you're a dick and he's not working with you anymore. No matter how much more money this turkey makes. You know what you did.
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And now, my favourite part of the box office, numeros 6 thru 10. Statistically speaking, Changeling at #6 is still going very strong. Must be a limited release. As long as it hangs in there longer than Zack and Miri, right, Clint? I think it's still doing better than Taking Lives or Beyond Borders, anywho. Probably better than A Mighty Heart, but who's keeping track, right??
At 7, HSM3. Oh, more Disney disappointment. Feel sorry for them, folks. And go to energy.gov/tink and clap your hands. ...oh wait, it's a re-direct. Better just click the words instead.
#8, Z&M - see #6. At #9 it's this week's third and final newbie, The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas. The police actually are using this as a sting operation to try and catch wanted pedophiles. Good luck, troops!
And finally at #10, last but certainly not least, The Secret Life of Bees. Also showing a strong statistical performance. Six weeks on the top 10! Not bad at all. I have a feeling we'll hear from those crazy filmmakers again soon, and I don't mean a postcard. Still, Paul Bettany misses his Russell Crowe. They've made two big-ass movies together; third, please? Try and write a meaty enough role for Russ in the sequel, huh?

Auteur Watch - Creep Creepersin

Hmm! Must be from the Eastern Bloc. But that's what happens when you brave the wilds of the IMDb. You follow the zillions of hyperlinks long enough, and you don't know where the f... don't know just where you'll end up. Why, you're like Butch Cassidy and his partner when they get lost in those woods at night. You know, the ethereal, existential part of the chase just after they leave the, um, hotel! Yeah, that's it.
Anyway, back to the bidness @ hand dot com. Creep's 2008 project is O.C. Babes and the Slasher of Zombietown, obviously. I'm not even going into his 2009 project; I assume that's a working title. Yes, The O.C.'s gone, but not forgotten. That one kid's "The Mentalist" now, right?
I thought MySpace was not for businesses! Oh well. I must be thinking of the good ol' days (about 6 months ago). Anyway, here's Creep's personal webpage, also at MySpace. Make sure you bookmark it, everybody. I already did. Don't take this the wrong way, Creep C., but you might want to get in touch with Dave "The Rock" Nelson. After all, he was on The Daily Show once! And look who they've had on since! Two ex-Presidents and Bill O'Reilly! Decent company, dontcha think?

useful links:
O.C. Babes and the Slasher of Zombietown MySpace page
Rocky Nelson's IMDb entry

Dharma v. Dolls: Which Kicks more Ass?

So! You're asking yourself, but Movie Hooligan! Have you gone mad? Why, those two can't even be compared: a documentary on the least talented member of the New York Dolls, and a documentary on the creator of Gumby. Oh, but aren't they? As Wittgenstein taught us, two things eventually look alike if you wrap them in enough plastic wrap. More currently, as this outgoing administration has taught us, you pour enough acid on a body and you're eventually down to the bare bones! Besides, they were both featured prominently on the IFC channel... I mean, let's face it. There's only so far you can go with indie road pics about lesbians going on multiple-state kissing sprees. They're both about the Hollywood elite, both have backstories shrouded in mystery and they both feature blatant clips of Buster Poindexter... no, wait, that was Frank Zappa in the Gumby one. But I will say this up front: ultimately Gumby's had more of an impact on my life than the New York Dolls, and I've been in the presence of some hardcore music lovers who make the High Fidelity folks look like ank ramateurs, so I'm goin' with the Gumby on this one, to save all you docu-partisans out there just a little heartbreak. But for the rest of you, let's get down to the buts and nolts of this. Let's take a good hard look at both.
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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE FABULOUS STAINS
Up first, New York Doll, about the tragic career arc of New York Dolls' bassist, ... Gene Frenkle? Arthur "Killer" Kane, that's it. Some have called it an expanded episode of VH1, some have called it Mormonist propaganda, but I found myself nestled comfortably between the two points. And I'm as anti-Christian as the next secularist, but at least the Mormons do something useful, like the genealogy library, to which a long-haired hippie like Kane eventually gets a job. It is the standard rags-to-riches-back to rags rock story, but don't you rock freaks find each same predictable story beautiful in its own unique way? With Mick Jagger-ish David Johanson at the helm, the New York Dolls apparently filled a unique niche in the rock 'n roll family tree that they show ever so briefly (Hey! Let's see more of that!), which leads to the inception of such great bands as The Clash, and to some not-so-great ones later on like Ratt and Poison. I tell ya, Kane's makeup on the one album cover looks positively amateurish compared to the Vogue quality high-fashion transvestitism in that Poison album cover that has never been perfected upon; did they do a second album? Those were chicks, right?
For those who think it's a pro-Mormon screed, try this one on for size... wait, bad example. Besides, Kane doesn't seem too thrilled about the whole Mormon thing, anyway. Maybe that's because the BIG (kick-ass) REUNION CONCERT'S coming up! Shyeah! I also kinda liked the pre-show prayer Kane gives. (Also rare: a prayer to God that an audience has fun. And that they get rocked? Nah, too far.)
Yeah, but it's not all built-up hopes. The MTV wave that swept up so many people left Kane behind, and Kane hits rock bottom when he sees Buster Poindexter on TV. Apparently it was as the cabbie in Scrooged. When Kane saw him in Car 54, Where Are You? that cheered him right up. Oh, snap! The ending of the doc left kind of a bad taste in my mouth, but then that's the kind of thing that keeps me from being a true rock n roller. Better to go out like that than being top Realtor at your firm like SOME people I saw on VH1.
And finally, I once again must defend my embattled Tull. One critic in the doc rallies against "25-minute drum solos" as one of the things the Dolls were rebelling against in the art rock scene of the time. You think that's bad? Tull's got a 10-minute thing where the keyboardist plays Debussy on a piano! ("By Kind Permission Of") Oh, that's much, much worse.

***
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WILL VINTON'S LEAST FAVORITE FILM
Next, Gumby Dharma, where we look at a life similarly fraught with tragedy, the life of Gumby creator Art Clokey. Orphaned as a teenager when his mother remarries, Art gets adopted by a kindly pastor who takes him around the world and gives him a movie camera to play with. As he told his mom when they later reconciled, it worked out pretty great for him.
So there's that, and his daughter commits suicide after her friend gets hit by lightning, and a couple other tragedies that beset Clokey's life. From out of this pain Gumby is born. Clokey shows his short film Gumbasia (Fantasia + Gumby) to someone at MGM Studios, who subsequently gets him the Gumby TV deal. But he wanted to work with Ava Gardner! Important lesson, kids. If you want to work with Ava Gardner, get a shovel.
And so Gumby creator Art Clokey toils on through the 50s and 60s, and we find out that even something like this has personal origins, Goo and Prickly being modeled on people in Clokey's life. Then, still a child at heart, and drunk off Gumby's success, he goes and joins some of the flower people, but repents quite harshly, saying those were the "worst times of [his] life". So many unanswered questions: when does Gumby's eyes go from clay and BBs to the more modern style? As for the questions that got answered, we find out why Gumby's head is shaped the way it is. All you Davey and Goliath fans will want to skip that part, and probably the rest of this as well. I have new found respect for Clokey: he fought the church and lived to tell the tale! We also learn of a film he made called Mandala, a film born from his new found spirituality. It's an unreleased film, and it's not on the IMDb. For shame!

Oh, I can't remember anything else about it, so I'm not doing this doc justice. Unfortunately, I think the world is going to ultimately leave Gumby behind. 1995's Gumby movie lost out to the CGI revolution, but he'll always live on in our hearts in figurine form. That's because Gumby's a clay man of the people, not part of the elitist VeggieTales marketing juggernaut, for example.

p.s. Oh yeah! Checking out the IMDb entry, he DID do the opening credits for How to Stuff a Wild Bikini! Man, it looked pretty great in HD. That's why this doc only gets 3 and a half; they didn't cover that part.

***1/2

-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

Indiana Jones' European Vacation

Yeah, I like this one. And to think I originally boycotted it because of the Holy Grail subject matter! I've made up for it since, seeing it once at a revival. Some say it's the best one of the series. I don't know if I'm there yet, and I'll get into that later. But I think it's proof after all that Spielberg is the best action director of all time. Or maybe a close second to Buster Keaton, but that's hardly fair either. Someone save me some trouble and compile their own list, will ya? Okay, I'll give you a head start: Richard Donner second, James Cameron third.

We all sat down and saw the whole thing recently. Kind of a purging after the fourth one... That's all I'll say about it. As for me, it's been a while since I actually sat down and watched the whole thing. Usually I skip to my favorite parts: the action scenes, of course. Well, I felt like I paid my dues with all that stuff in between; what do you call it... plot, character development. All the chaff that launches films to greatness. You can't escape orbit without it! I just love that one part where the two Nazi motorcyclists are overcome by the one motorcycle. And the tank chase, obviously... that's all I can think of at the moment.

Perhaps it's a lesson long learned by Hollywood (and now that I think about it, it is), but the real key to sequels is you need to bring new characters into the fold. The good news is we get Sean Connery, Indy's dad. Although... I must confess I thought, is Bond phoning it in? How would David Hasselhoff have handled this role? And just like we saw the Alltel rivals as young nerds, we also see how Indy was an action star as a teenager, and his big Origin scene where he gets the trademark hat. Which further led to the Young Indiana Jones TV series... To me, that's the bad news. Maybe I'm wrong; I never saw any of those, nor have had them recommended to me for that matter. I'm sure they're fine, and Powder did a bang-up job, of course.

The reason I put this in second compared to Raiders is Indy's a little tougher here, especially when dealing with Dr. Schneider. The humor of Raiders is a little mellower, less blatantly self-referential. "What are you sitting around for when we're so close to the end!", says Dad near the end of the movie. To be fair, Harrison Ford doesn't often get to show off his flair for accents, as he did in Blade Runner. At one point here he does a pre-Groundskeeper Willie Scottish accent. Pretty good! Also, everyone's more certain about the power of the Grail than they were about the Ark. "The search for the Grail is the search for the divine in all of us." So what's the Ark? Chopped liver?

And of course, one can't help but admire Indy's catch phrase "Ah! Venice." In terms of Movie as Travelogue, this is of course magnifique as the French would say. We get Venice, Spain, Germany, Monument Valley, George Lucas's backyard, and as all you trivia buffs know it culminates at Petra, Jordan. A great film for film trivia buffs, but I don't have the curiosity to go too far beyond the special rat farms just for the film. Not all things free-range are good after all.

Academy Award winner Sir John Williams and his fleet of brass once again provide a fun soundtrack. I think they have a little more fun on this one than the first, to be sure, with quick references to the Ark of the Covenant theme, and a snippet of the French National Anthem after Dad mentions Charlemagne in passing. And to think he went on to Home Alone right after this! Not enough time on his hands.

Okay, here's the part where I defend Alison Doody, as every other review seems to trash her. But she can't help it! She's an ex-Bond girl. She was in A View to a Kill, after all. She's been dealt an unlucky hand career-wise; she wasn't even invited to that Bond Girls are Forever thing, for Chr... God's sake! Here she has to walk that fine line between loyalty to the Nazis, and being madly in love with Indy. ...yeah, you're right. She's terrible. Kinda cute, though! But really, she and Julian Glover go hand in hand. Perhaps he makes a dull villain because he also represents what we all aspire to be: rich socialites whose only achievement left is finding the Fountain of Youth and drinking from it for the rest of our days. Eternal damnation? Why not? The dude's just in it for the grail. Even he seems kinda shocked at his ballsiness when he actually fires the gun.

To be glib and over-reaching, when Spielberg reflects on his life, surely the 80s was his favourite decade? I mean, even though the critics didn't yet take him seriously. It was also the decade of Rube Goldberg, and the fascination with booby traps is a central preoccupation of the Indy series. The Goonies also had quite a few over-elaborate devices in it. I guess Hook was the last gasp of such whimsy for Spielberg. Still, I won't trash them too much, but why do I keep thinking of laserdiscs with the first Grail-protecting 'device'? And when was it supposed to have been built? And even in 1938 what kind of technology would know to start it up when an intruder approaches?

Too many questions, but that's the basic framework of doubt right there. Frankly, it's just rude to question the logic of the booby traps. Despite the nitpicking, Spielberg always gives you a full emotional plate. Close Encounters, A.I., you can't help but feel like you've been through the full wringer: there's comedy, drama, smart stuff, obvious stuff, and usually nothing less than a big Earth-shattering finale. So whether you think this one's the best, or Raiders, or Temple of Doom, God forbid, there's no denying it's all high quality stuff. And I got my copy! Of course, now I gotta get it on Blu-Ray. (hint hint?)

***1/2
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

OO7 La La!!

You did it, Craiggers! You won't have Happy Feet to kick you around any more! Yes, Bond crushed the cute cuddly CGI-nimals by almost a 2 to 1 margin. But to better savor the flavor of this victory, we gotta start at #10 and work our way to the top.
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And at #10 it's The Haunting of Molly Hartley, raking in only 1.65 million dollars. Oh, I've just never seen #10 this anemic. Actually, yes I have. Worse! Like at 0.89 million, but I'm too rushed for time to check my spotty records. But it's almost gone, folks, consigned to a lifetime on the video shelves next to Darkness Falls and ... others, I'm sure. Phew! I bet Naomi Watts is glad she turned both of those down!
At #9 it's the Disney musical Saw V. I just love the part where Mickey has a cameo as the gruff principal, but a softie beneath that cancer-ridden exterior.
#8 gives us the vivacious gift of bees! The Secret Life of Bees, to bee exact! Hah! Those comedy dividends keep coming in. And according to my extensive data, it's the only movie in recent memory to stick around for 5 weeks in the Top 10! Just behind Beverly Hills Chihuahua and 7-weeker Eagle Eye, but that slipped to #11, so screw that one!!
Meanwhile at #7 it's Bernie Mac's last movie, Soul Men. Go and see his last, you cheap bastards! Oh wait, that's next year. Meanwhile further, at #6, it's the movie that we WISH were Kevin Smith's last, Zack and Miri dot dot dot. C'mon, Kev! Quit while you're ahead! Go out on top! Someone else will do Fletch Won and The Green Lantern... and Clerks 3. Yeah, that's right, Jeff Anderson's got a treatment, the turncoat. Time for the next generation to shine.
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Slipping slightly to #5 it's Changeling. Guess Warner Bros. didn't have confidence in this one. Why not put it in 14,000 theaters? But ya better look out, because the Oscar race is heating up. Another contender for Best Picture is on the horizon, and it's Defiance, Clint, my friend! Could this be Edward Zwick's big year, statuette wise? Good luck for two brothers in one year? Don't hold your breath...
Meanwhile at #4 it's the latest in that disgusting horror series: High School Musical 3. Bring your whole family to see the state-of-the-art in creative eviscerations! After all, you can't spell eviscerate without creative, and you got an 'e' and an 's' left to add and... ah, skip it.
#3 gives us Role Models. Yeah, that McLovin' guy, is he the new Matthew Laborteaux or what? Anyone? Whiz Kids? It took me so long to remember that! And of course who can forget Madagascar 2 at #2. Bet they thought for sure it would beat Bond out this time. Sadly, no. Also, Wall~E's gonna kick their ass at Oscar time. Double sadly no. Or as they say at 1984, Double-plus-un-good!
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Can you believe it? Only one newbie this week! It's a tight market, but everything shifted down out of respect. Oh right, I forgot. Twilight is next week. Boy, is that bad boy gonna clean up. That's because vampires are sexy. Ever heard of a sexy zombie? All dead bones and rotting flesh covered with maggots and dirt? No thanks, girlfriend! No, the most unsightly thing you get with vampires are extra-large bags under their eyes. Not to mention the whole incinerated by the sun thing, but at least it goes quick. Better to go like that than be an unattractive zombie forever. Right, horror movie buffs? Oh but I digress. Bond is back, baby! And more importantly, the title's full of 'O's so they can do that sideways 007 thing we're all sick of in the commercials. What exactly is a Quantum of Solace? Does Bond try to shut down an even bigger particle accelerator? And how does Paul Haggis detract from the script on this one? Damn, he's busy! Damn Canadians and their superior health care. William Shatner and Tom Green will assuredly outlive us all. I'm just too angry to continue, folks.

Auteur Watch - George Clooney

Man, have I been slacking off! Gotta try to make up for that. But how?
Anyway, I think we all took a deep breath when we heard the news. You didn't hear? A damn dirty earthquake tried to kill him! On the set of his current movie, Men Who Stare At Goats. Damn Soderbergh! Actually, he doesn't seem to be producing this one, but some of the Soderbergh crew is in on this one. Louise Frogley on costume design. Guess George is palling around with Grant Heslov instead. Really? Faisil? Yeah, I know. It was indeed 14 years ago. Damn, I feel old. Grant apparently turned down an offer from Milos Forman to be his new Vincent Schiavelli.
Meanwhile, Clooney's not straying too far from the Coen brothers Sphere of Influence. The Coens are currently filming A Serious Man, which at first might seem like Clooney's got nothing to do with. Until you look a little deeper. For instance, Adam Arkin is in the movie, the Jewish George Clooney. Also, Richard Kind is in the movie, who has strangely close ties with George Clooney. Even he can't figure that one out.
But even earthquakes can't stop this man. He's got a Wes Anderson project coming up. Careful, Georgie! Once you get into Wes's orbit, there's no escape. He's like a Black Hole, sucking people in and never letting them go. Just ask Bill Murray! What else? A remake of The Birds! Just what the world needs! Apparently Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig were originally going to do it, but they bowed out, so the producers got Clooney and Naomi Watts instead. Close enough. Now is it just me, or is the new James Bond a little too busy for his own good? At least when Roger Moore was Bond, he didn't go running off doing all sorts of non-Bond projects while in Broccoli's gainful employment! Except for ffolkes, of course, but that was a passion project, as they say.
...okay, scratch that theory. I didn't know he was Clouseau at one point! That role's almost as re-populated as Bond at this point. I gotta go bed time...

From the director of Gas Planet...

Yup! We all gotta start somewhere. And once again it's the 80s and all the nation's kids are dragging their unwitting parents to the theater to watch as Spielberg wows them again. His latest, Madagascar 2, opens with a big Pow. I was going to say bang, but that's so cliché. ...okay, I'm just getting word from my source that he's technically not with DreamWorks anymore, but he's still got Eagle Eye at #10! That's something!
At #2, surprise surprise, it's Role Models. That surprised me, anyway. The timing was pretty good, seeing as how this seems to be the latest apple on a very long branch of the Movie Tree, following the likes of Drillbit Taylor, School for Scoundrels, Mr. Woodcock, and anything else that had Billy Bob Thornton in it lately. David Wain, you got lucky, I'll give you that. Second season of Stella, please?
Showing similar monetary loss, we drop from about 33% down to 50% with High School Musical 3 at #3... how ironic? Oh, it's time to feel some empathy for the embattled Disney corporation. One day you're on top of the world, the next day it's a day like today. HSM3 losing money, BHC just plain gone out of sight. Is there nothing on the horizon to alleviate the pain?
Meanwhile, Changeling STAYS at #4! Cool!
And rounding out the top 5 is good ol' Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Charlie Brown. How to abbreviate that? ZMMP? Or ZAMMAP? Ooh! I like that one. Would make a good Batman onomatopoeic... you know. Cesar Romero gets punched, and the screen says ZAMMAP! If you're really hip, you of course gotta spell it ZaMMaP, or ZaMmaP. The fact that the debate's being had at all speaks volumes.
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Ugh. The rest. A brief shout-out to Soul Men sadly debuting at #6. It's the third newbie this week. Brought to you by the writing team that brought you such hits as Big Trouble, Intolerable Cruelty and ... Destiny Turns on the Radio! Oh, that's it. That's the most unforgivable one of them all. Moving on.
And the rest are just plain ol' horror movies. Eagle Eye at #10, Saw V at #7... Saw 6 on the way, folks! Boy, they're the horror movie equivalent of the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror. But so much better. AND they come out BEFORE Halloween! Boy, what's THAT all about? Doesn't the Simpsons have any clout? Can't they just show the damn thing on Halloween day?
But I digress. We got horror movies 7 to 10 this week, Eagle Eye, Saw V, The Haunting of Molly Hartley, and the scariest of them all, The Secret Life of Bees. Oh, but Movie Hooligan, you ask! How is a movie about bees a horror movie? Well, isn't it? You notice it's not doing that well in the South, right? That's the South's worst nightmare right there! And Alaska. A cute, defenseless white girl moving into a house of black lesbians practicing and promulgating alternative lifestyles? Oh I tell ya, it's another blow to the National Innocence. But thank God we have people like Grover Norquist on hand ready and waiting to drown the Baby of Government in the Bathtub of ... History? Is that the proper metaphor? It is a metaphor, right? Man, I still can't wrap my head around that one. Guess I just don't have a sense of humour, dontcha think?

Anything happening in the news?

Hah! I love that joke. Well, while I and the whole world celebrates the restoring of honor and dignity to government, the weekly Box Office goes right straight to hell. It's not like we didn't see this coming! Oh why oh why did no one go to see Fireproof? I mean, sure it made money, but did anyone really watch it? I mean, REALLY sit there and... what was I talking about? Hmm. Probably wasn't important.
So let's survey the damage here. There must have been some forces of decency at work to prevent Zack and Miri from reaching #1, but really, Disney has their own pact with the devil. Yes, High School Musical 3 triumphs yet again, at #1 for the second week in a row. Just like Beverly Hills Chihuahua did, and it's still at #6! And it's currently only at #89 on the IMDb's ever-fluctuating Bottom 100 list. Keep reaching for that rainbow, BHC! Fat Slags is bound to slip up sometime.
Disney's former minion Harvey Weinstein propels Zack and Miri make a Porno to #2. People are ready to love again! And eager to seek a manual or two on the act. Because if there's one thing this world is currently lacking, it's people.
Meanwhile Saw V is at #3, which is kind of like porno, but with violence instead! Much more palatable. As someone pointed out, Zack and Miri was boycotted in Utah, but not Saw V. Well, I'm sure even Utah will like Kevin Smith's next project, Red State.
At a disappointing debut at #4, it's current front runner for Best Picture of 2008, Changeling, and it's for all the heavy breathers in overcoats who get their kicks from child abduction stories. Sorry, guys, it's got a Martin Guerre twist that will surely ruin it for you. As for #5, surely it's not riding ZnM's porno-themed bandwagon? The Haunting of Molly Hartley? Well, I do get kind of a creepy Midwest vibe from it, and there's no big secular movie star to speak of. But if you look at the plot description, notice that the plot revolves around Molly's 18th birthday! They ARE hitching their wagons to that porn star! Oh, you're no longer jailbait now, honey!
--
Something like that. What's happening to me? I must still be giddy about the election. Yeah, that must be it. I'm sure not giddy about 6 thru 10, that's for sure! Oh well, Eddie, at least you had the Hulk this year. Don't let another bomb slow you down, buddy! Still, let's try to get that Oscar within the next ten years, huh? I gots t'go.

Short Reviews - Oct. '08

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. – A Florida teenager has been sentenced to 18 months in juvenile detention for coaxing his senile grandmother into holding a gun and threatening to shoot "all the pigs" in a homemade "gangster rap" video.

Eighteen-year-old Michael Alfinez pleaded guilty Tuesday to elder abuse charges. His family has said the case was a misunderstanding.

The 85-year-old grandmother can be seen in the video holding a handgun, wearing a black mask and threatening to shoot "all the pigs."

Alfinez was arrested in April after authorities seized the tape during a routine traffic stop. Alfinez and others also could be seen in the video shooting a pistol around town.

Alfinez also pleaded guilty to charges of firing out of a moving vehicle and into a building.

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All right, let's break open this crab and wail...

You Don't Mess with the Zohan - Well, Sandsy, we made it half way through. We just had to stop; it was too wonderful.

Death Defying Acts - Oh, Catherine Zeta, you were so big once.

Four Christmases - Ah, thank God. Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau reliving their Groundlings days all over again, and on film where it always belonged. Oh, Jennifer Aniston was crazy to dump you, Vince!

Elizabeth: The Golden Age - I liked it. Good chick flick. A chick flick in a big cold castle.

Drunken Jackasses: The Movie - if Maxim magazine doesn't think this is the greatest movie of all time, well, damnit! I'm just going to move to Canada, that's all there is to it.

Saw V - The last one? No! Say it isn't so! You at least gotta get as many as Pinhead!

How to Alienate People & whatever... - Simon Pegg v. Ricky Gervais...

Pride and Glory - New Ed Norton pic ... oh wait, shoulda saved that for the 'Four Word Movie reviews..."

The Express - More PG sports pics

The Haunting of Molly Hartley - Oh, Nina Siemaszko, did you really need the money?

"Kath & Kim" - My God! Was that Molly Shannon?

Vacation (1) - With Anthony Michael Hall as Rusty and Dana Barron as Audrey

European Vacation - With Jason Lively as Rusty and Dana Hill as Audrey

Christmas Vacation - With Johnny Galecki as Rusty and Juliette Lewis as Audrey

Vegas Vacation - With Ethan Embry as Rusty and Marisol Nichols as Audrey

The Lazarus Project - Oh, Piper Perabo... Did you really need the money?

The Judas Project - Oh, Richard Edlund... Did you really need the money? Nah, couldn't have been for the money. How much money did you get for that, seriously?

Dawg - Denis Leary, you owe me an apology.

Tru Loved - AKA High School Musical 3.5

"Prison Break" - Apparently, the show has jumped the shark. I blame producer Brett Ratner for that. Who wouldn't?

Role Models - McLovin's return, right?

"The Ex List" - Is that Andy Samberg?
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This just in: Alfinez gets 3 picture deal at Lions Gate.

Auteur Watch - Tim Burton

Well, who better to celebrate on Halloween than Mr. Halloween himself, Tim Burton? His favorite decade? Gotta be the go-go 80s, but I'm sure even he wishes Michael Keaton would stop calling. Yeah, Beetle Juice and Pee Wee's Big Adventure, so many people to disavow knowing later on, but ol' Tim was lean and hungry and learning Disney's secrets so he could make a fortune in their shadows, thematically and literally.
And I guess I better leave Lisa Marie out of this as well. Anyway, the main thing is this rumor floating around about ol' Timmy boy directing Pirates 4. And since MTV's not going to clear this one up for us like they did with the whole Pink Floyd / Wizard of Oz thing, let me just deal with it by saying this: Tim! Don't do it! Three was enough! Unless you really, REALLY wanna go for it and put some kind of macabre R-rated spin on it, just keep going about your regular schedule. He's already got a full plate, folks! The feature-length version of Frankenweenie, Alice in Wonderland (that one's filming as we speak, so to speak), Dark Shadows ... Ooh! I didn't even get to the best part. My segues have been suffering lately. But those last two are also with Johnny Depp, as Pirates 4 would be. Which begs the question: I mean, it's a great collaboration between star and director, but is it up there with the great collaborations? Like James Stewart and Frank Capra? Or James Stewart and Henry Koster? I know, let's get a little more recent. Okay, ya little smartass. Soderbergh and Clooney, six if you don't count The Limey. Richard Donner and Mel Gibson? Six, soon to be seven. Woody Allen and Tony Roberts have worked together six times. Scorsese and DeNiro? Eight, soon to be nine. But really, they all pale in comparison to the greatest actor-director collaboration ever: Charles Bronson and J. Lee Thompson. Look at that resumé! Gather the whole family around, buy the 9 DVD pack from Costco, fire up some damn microwave popcorn, and enjoy! I gotta go....

Bernanke!

Oh, doesn't he remind you of Bernanke? Am I the only one? All right.
Seriously, though, how about this credit crunch, huh? At least we're taking the rest of the world with us, or as much of it as we can. The way things are going, the NASDAQ's going to be higher than the Dow! Am I right, Krugman? But you wouldn't know it looking at Hollywood. Oh, Disney's having its best quarter ever! Not even with the high-end stuff! They're eating up the cheap crap now, too! Cool. Very cool.
Starting with Tyler Perry's High School Musical 3. Actually, Tyler had nothing to do with it, but I'll bet he wishes he did! Well, sorry, Ty, but they call it Flavor of the Month for a reason.
So that for the kiddies, and Saw V for the teens. Coming in at only #2, the Saw franchise keeps right on chugging along. Oh, if only Dr. Giggles was coming out now, right, Manny? So now that there's been five Saw movies, does that qualify it for the big Versus sweepstakes? Can it take on the winner of Freddy v. Jason? Or Halloween v. Hellraiser? Help me out here, horror nerds.
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Well, for those of you who are statistics fans, and I know there are a lot of you out there, at this point there's the type of drop-off in the numbers we usually see when Spielberg's got a movie coming out. This worries me because the pattern's asserting itself with wimpy numbers! Falling from 30.5 to 7.6! This will not stand! Oh, but reality is a harsh mistress, and stand the data shall, as we go to this week's #3, Max Payne at ... 7.6 million dollars. How's Marky Mark supposed to eat? Speaking of which, #4 goes to the dogs as Beverly Hills Chihuahua slowly makes its way to the video shelves. Rounding out the top 5 is this week's THIRD and final newbie, Pride and Glory. Only three? Another sign of the times. Well, it's good that Norton's getting more work than ever now, but please. Copland 3? Departed 2? What is this? Devil's Own 1 1/2? State of Grace 5? Gimme a sign, fellas!
-+-*-+-
As for the rest, well, they're pretty much the same as last week, just in free fall. They've pretty much kept the same order, except Quarantine's pulling ahead of Body of Lies. Two weeks ago, Quarantine was at #2, with Body of Lies at #3. Then last week, BoL was at #6, but Q pulled ahead to #7! And now BoL is ninth, with Q coming in 10th. Good hustle, kid! Bees, Dubya and Eagle, however, are holding steady in their respective places, as all of these things are slowly getting purged from the theaters. As Moe once told Homer, "Homer, my customers are soberin' up! And they ain't gonna stick around for the ambiance!" ...Hah! Found the link. And it's time to go. Let me know if I forgot anything...

WDYWFU Cinema: Indiana Jones and the Quest for a Suitable Ending

Well, Spielberg, I know you tried.
But after X number of drafts with more screenwriters than the legendary Flintstones movie, there was STILL too much to live up to. Kinda like what happened to Terminator 3. Indeed, how do you push the boundaries any more? The only way, really, is to spend decades making a film, shooting actors over a period of years so we can see how they age over the course of the film. And you'll have to take it a step further, running RenderMan and Massive on Cray supercomputers for months and months. Something like that. If nothing else, there's more to re-watch here than Lethal Weapon 4.
In the meantime, not that I didn't enjoy myself, but I'm afraid I have to join that category of critics who say ... what do they say? The series ends with a whimper? That's it. Apparently, even Temple of Doom's standing has risen! Oh, that's not good. For me, it's the plot holes. Even though there's the old jokes and all ("What are you, like, 80?" Priceless!), Indy at 62 can STILL trade punches with the baddest bad-ass. And the atomic refrigerator, I'm sorry, I think that's where you first lost me. Or maybe the warehouse. I think Indy was a little slow dodging all those bullets. Thank goodness the Russkies are lousy shots.
Also, the film doesn't go far enough in conflating McCarthyism with our current civil rights dilemma. Or too far, one or the other. Let's face it, the powers that be just get lazy, and find that spreading fear is the easiest way to maintain control over the populace. I did like the magnet effects, though! Those were good! And John Hurt was funny. One of my viewing companions complained that the script was too complicated. Okay, maybe not Batman Begins complicated, but still complicated. I guess I agree, but that's what the plot holes are for: to air out an otherwise complicated script. But I think I got the gist of it the first go-round myself.
So, as the film's second most staunch defender, I hereby declare I'm going to lay low for a while. But for those of you who question the monkeys, let me just say that a) it just brings the series on home, and b) it's funny! Shia and the monkey have the same hairdo! Duh! Yes, with the CGI revolution leaving us all behind, the best you can say about the final Indiana Jones is that it stays true to itself, its old bookish dorky self. Lots of puzzle-solving, lots of aiding and abetting the enemy in search of the treasure... I dunno! He helps the Russkies find the crate, interprets the Akator map for them, I'm just saying. And I must say I kinda felt sorry for Cate Blanchett, I don't know why. Not fatale enough of a femme, I guess. She does what she can, though. Has she made it onto any Maxim top 100 lists? If not, good.
Okay, I think I've trashed the movie all I care to. Just remember, kids. No matter what happens, marriage is the ultimate adventure. ...right?

***
-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

All right, let's get it over with...

You know, "it doesn't go far enough" is a criticism you hear all too often these days. Especially when it comes to movies about the Iraq war, or the current administration. Because let's face it, movies more and more are being affected by politics. Some of you might have noticed it in the go-go 90s with movies like Dave, Murder at 1600, or Absolute Power having to do with the president's mistress. Don't you miss those days?
Nowadays, if a movie doesn't get the President impeached, it's no good. For example, in Revenge of the Sith, when Mace Windu says that the one dude controls the Senate and the courts. Nothin'! And critics said that Charlie Wilson's War wasn't enough of a biting satire. In the Valley of Elah doesn't go far enough into the valley. Rendition didn't torture enough. Lions for Lambs, well, I guess that one went too far.
And so here we are, and we got W. Man, this President can't even have a #1 hit. Critics have called it a TV-movie quality production, which I think is unfair. Still, I couldn't help but think of The Final Cut, where crowds protest that people's recorded lives can be so sanitized, that the worst war criminal's life can be edited to make him or her look like a saint. That's what I think we got here, folks. Bush family lite. They don't seem so bad in this movie, but trust me, they're not good people. Even for a rich family they're pretty scrummy.
Ollie's assembled a fine cast, nevertheless. Thandie Newton was a hoot. Toby Jones did better as a strangely underweight Karl Rove than I thought: he may be Turd Blossom, but he has one Johnny Casper moment, where he tells Dubya "That's right, Dubya. You're the big shot around here, and I'm just some shnook who likes to get slapped around." Something like that. And of course James Cromwell as the elder Bush. Guess they couldn't get Dana Carvey. Oh well. Dare I say, Oscar nominations? Probably not as many as Network, but whaddayagonna do.
And the man, Josh Brolin, holds his own and holds the film together as George W. Bush. A man forever doomed to live the life of the family's black sheep. Oh, why couldn't you be more like Neil? I guess that's about all one can say... at least, I can say. The film seemed a little long, especially after Cheney's big scene in the middle of the film: Dubya may not be a smart man, but even he knows it's a bad idea for Cheney to say what's on his mind. Kinda kills the mood in the room. After that point, we get the idea. Dubya screws up, father intervenes. Gets kinda monotonous after a while.
I guess the critics are right when they say it's Dubya's greatest hits, just slightly out of context. I've seen that clip so many times of what's been called the 16 words that changed everything. Brolin shoulda studied that one extra close: "...Saddam sought significant quantities of uranium... from Africa." So many quotes left to include, like the dictatorship one, or the one where Dubya says "Some call you the elites, I call you my base." Or when he's sitting there reading My Pet Goat on 9/11. Or when he said "The unexamined life is really not worth living". No wait, that was Socrates. But all the high-end reviews of W. are going to have this line in it, trust me!
Yes, compared to JFK and Nixon, Stone rounds out his Presidential Trilogy with a bit of a whimper, but I guess it fits the subject matter well enough. I guess it was just bad timing: why go to the theaters to pay to see something people are trying to ignore for free? But I'm sure Oliver Stone will work again. Coming up next: he will complete the Presidential Quartet with LBJ starring Steven Seagal. Also, he's going to beat the Farrellys to the punch with his own Three Stooges pic. The cast? Al Pacino as Moe, Charles Barkley as Curly, and perhaps most controversial, Steven Wright as Larry. Fingers crossed for Bill Maher as Shemp!... I gotta go.

p.s. oh yeah, forgot the star rating. I'll say,
***1/2

-so sayeth the Movie Hooligan

p.p.s. Good article on John McCain, but it probably won't change your mind.